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Black screen, text appears.
Text Narration: Linkara recently began a journey to restore his magic gun to life. He is in good health and good spirits as he travels.
Gilligan Cut to Linkara on his journey, who is not exactly in high spirits.
Linkara: I am so lost!
Cut back to narration.
Text Narration: Because of this perilous journey, he made sure to record and edit his 200th episode in advance.
Text fades out, Linkara fades in, his chin on his clasped hands.
Linkara: Well... We made it, people. Two hundred episodes. So...what can I possibly review for such an occasion?
A quick beat as Linkara thinks upon it, then smiles looking back towards the camera.
Linkara: Okay, what the hell. Let's review One More Day.
Credits play. Footage from the previous 199 episodes showing him holding up the comic he's going to review play in a rapid fire manner as the full version of the theme song plays. The final shot of the intro is Linkara holding the "prized jewel" of his collection, a term we're using VERY loosely, with a smile that has to say "yeah, I'm finally reviewing this piece of shit and I'm not afraid to do it either".
Title card. Fade to Linkara.
Linkara: If there's a single story that has hung over this show since the first episode, it's One More Day.
Footage from various episodes play, pointing out various spots in the episodes that make Linkara's derision of this story very apparent.
Linkara: Yeah, I think I may have brought it up once or twice.
The cover of the trade and footage of the Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review appears.
Linkara (VO): The more nitpicky among you may also recall that I stated that my only problem with the book was the ending, and the rest of it was fine. Others will say that it's completely unnecessary, since I've technically already reviewed the comic in my Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review episode, wherein I spoke for five minutes about the thing that angered me so about this story.
Linkara: Well, first of all, that's not really a review, that's me ranting about a plot point. Secondly, I decided to take another look at it...and, you know what? There's a hell of a lot more that's wrong with this crap than just the ending.
Zoom out of One More Day Part Four of Four cover.
Linkara (VO): And I'm sure there is one other complaint that people would have with me doing this; that would be, "Come on, Linkara. It's been five years since One More Day. Are you still not over this?"
Linkara: Nope! ...Not at all! However, even if I WAS 'over it', there's one underlying problem. It's still a BAD story! It was a bad story in 2007, and it's a bad story now!
Cover of Cry for Justice.
Linkara (VO): Cry for Justice sucked in 2009 and it still sucks now!
Cover of Youngblood #1.
Linkara (VO): Youngblood sucked in 1992, and it still sucks now!
Linkara: And guess what, this is Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn! Let's dig into Spider-Man: One More Day, and break down why this thing sucks!
The covers for the original comics appear.
Linkara (VO): I'm reading from a trade, so no analysis of the covers. However, the covers are where you will find my few compliments to this book. The first three parts feature kind of a retro style to them with exaggerated, melodramatic captions. The fourth book avoids that but has great symbolism on the broken picture of him and Mary Jane, kind of echoing that broken photo from the cover of Identity Crisis. It's just a good image to use for this.
Cut back to Linkara.
Linkara: Now before we get into the book itself, there's a lot of backstory to cover here, so I think it's necess-
The screen turns to static, cutting off Linkara's review before it has actually began. When the static vanishes, Bennet the Sage turns up, donning his Devil outfit.
Devil!Bennet: Hello, Linkara...it is I. The Devil!
Cut back to Linkara, who's less than impressed.
Linkara: Oh. Hi, Bennet.
Cut back to Devil Sage.
Devil!Bennet: Not Bennet...the Devil! I've come to you with an offer to-
Linkara: To exchange my soul, or my show, or my non-existent marriage to erase One More Day, right?
Devil!Bennet: Well...yeah, I-
Linkara: Not interested. Goodbye.
Bennet drops the act, and his hood, frustrated with Linkara.
Bennet the Sage: Ugh, come on, man. I went and put on the outfit, can you play out the bit?
Linkara: The bit is dead, Bennet! Not to mention the deal doesn't take place for another three issues! You can make the offer again when it actually comes up in the comic!
Bennet lightens up quickly.
Bennet the Sage: Oh, okay, see you then!
The review finally gets back on track as pages of the infamous Civil War are shown.
Linkara (VO): So, anyway, backstory... In 2006, Marvel released its standard big crossover event, Civil War. The premise is that after an incident involving superheroes results in the deaths of six hundred people, including sixty children, the American Government rushes out a Superhero Registration Act that forces all superheroes to reveal their identities to the government, and officially fall under federal mandate. Iron Man led the charge in the Pro-Registration camp while Captain America led a faction of heroes who opposed it. Civil War has a lot of problems, not the least of which being that Marvel refused to actually say what the Superhuman Registration Act stated, leading to different books intepreting it differently. Now, Marvel's excuse was that the act was just 'so long and complicated that there was no way to release it in full, and could be interpreted in different ways', but I call bullcrap on that! It's lazy writing, plain and simple. The other big problem with the book was the ending. Despite the fact that the Pro-Registration side was villified throughout not only throughout the main book, but also the tie-ins, the book ended with the Pro-Registration side winning, and a follow-up interview stated that they were supposed to be the right side all along! I haven't decided yet if I'm ever gonna do a full review of Civil War, mostly because it's a very polarizing, pollitically charged book, but needless to say, it's not very good. Now where does Spidey fit into all of this? Well, to make a long story short, Aunt May had discovered Peter's identity as Spider-Man, and after an incident where their home had been destroyed, Tony Stark invited Peter, Mary Jane, and Aunt May to live in Avengers Tower. (Spidey was also a member of the Avengers at the time.)
Over the next line, a caption reads: "To be accurate, Aunt May convinced Peter it would be the right thing to do, since she wanted the world to see him how she saw him."
Linkara (VO): Tony convinced Peter that the Pro-Registration side was the right thing to do, and that with the resources of the Government, he'd be able to protect him, Mary Jane and May from any villains who would seek revenge against them. As such, he publically unmasks to the entire world. However, for reasons I can't quite recall, he eventually turns on the Pro-Registration side, and runs away with MJ and May. While staying at a motel, a sniper hired by the Kingpin attempts to assassinate Peter, but instead shoots and injures Aunt May.
Linkara: And that's where we're at: Peter is a well-known fugitive, Aunt May is clinging to life for the gajillionth time, and during this time, Peter put his black costume back on again, and then took it off - because Spider-Man 3 had just happened! ...yeah, the movies still screw around with stuff like this all the time.
The first page of the feature is shown.
Linkara (VO): We begin with Amazing Spider-Man #544, where a red bird is flying around in the night sky.
Narrative: Tune your ear to the frequency of despair, and cross-reference by the longitude and latitude of a heart in agony. Listen. Listen.
Cut to Linkara looking outraged. He facepalms.
Linkara: ...FIRST.... SENTENCE!!!
Linkara (VO): THAT IS ONE OF THE DUMBEST, MOST OVERWRITTEN, NONSENSICAL SENTENCES EVER PUT INTO A MAINSTREAM STORY! This is "'Punk' is nothing but death, crime and the rage of a beast" level of WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?! "Tune your EAR to the frequency of despair"???! What the Sam flippin' Hill is THAT supposed to mean!?!? "Cross-reference by the longitude and latitude of a heart in agony"!? So - we- we're tryin' to track something on a map now!? What! Is this still connected to the frequency of despair??? W-what does an audio frequency have to do with map coordinates of "a heart in agony"!?
Linkara: And finally, most important of all, this comic tells us to "tune our ears" and "listen, listen". Kind of confusing instructions considering this is a COMIC BOOK, which we READ with our EYES!!
Linkara (VO): The rest of the page shows the bird approaching a hospital and Peter narrating about what happened with Aunt May, rightfully pointing out that he should've skipped town.
Peter Parker: I'd give anything, do anything, to bring her back from the edge. To have just one more day with her.
Linkara: And that's a lie, because in another comic, you spend time with her in mental projection form, where she tells you to let her go, and you ignore her instructions! Consistency: you suck at it!
Narrative: Worlds turn on such thoughts.
Linkara: No, they don't.
Narrative: Because the Universe hears them.
Linkara: I refer you to my last remark.
Linkara (VO): In the hospital, Aunt May lies in bed with life support equipment attached to her. Joe Quesada himself did the artwork for One More Day, and I admit there are some shots that really do work. This one, despite some wonky perspective and proportions, is one of them. What doesn't work is the writing, wherein Peter whines yet again that this is all his fault! We'll get into that a bit later. In the meantime, the doctor goes up to them and explains that, unfortunately, because she doesn't have any health insurance, they're gonna have to move her to the charity care ward. Peter is indigned about it, but the doctor points out that they're just barely picking up brain function, though chances are she's pretty much dead anyway.
Doctor: If you had some kind of health insurance, that would be one thing. A bottomless checkbook would be even better.
Westley (clip from The Princess Bride): I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Linkara (VO): Peter decides to go see a man with "a bottomless checkbook". The doctor chases after him as he starts to leave.
Doctor: Just a minute --
Peter Parker: What?
Doctor: I just... wanted to say I know what you're feeling and --
Peter Parker: You have no idea what I'm feeling.
Linkara: "No one has EVER lost a loved one before ME!" (chuckles) You know... I seriously consider reading all of Peter Parker's lines in the Superboy Prime voice. It really does come across as that selfish and whiny.
Linkara (VO): The doctor explains that Spider-Man once saved his uncle's life, and that he promised he'd repay the favour one day. He shows Peter the newspaper of his unmasking, revealing he knows who he really is, it- wait, where the hell did that paper come from? Was he just carrying that around with him everywhere...? Anyway, he says he can't do anything to actually get her any big procedure, but he can stall putting Aunt May off into a charity ward or anything until he comes back. Peter swings through the city narrating that he doesn't give a damn about not having the costume on, since everyone knows what he looks like anyway.
Linkara: Strange that nobody else in the hospital recognised him then! Or did the moustachioed Dr. Kelso back in the hospital cover his face as he was going in with May?
Linkara (VO): I also noticed the red Mephisto bird right there... I can't help but wonder if Marvel ever considered doing a "What If" story where Peter swings right into the bird and accidentally smashes it against some glass. Anyway, he arrives at Stark Tower and makes a big scene, breaking into Stark's office through the air vents. Naturally, Tony Stark is a genius and it already way ahead of him, armouring up and smacks right into Peter, knocking him out a window! Instead of trying to talk to Tony, he just webs up his engines, forcing the two of them to crash. Iron Man points out the fact that that little stunt could've gotten them both killed.
Peter Parker: Wanted to make sure... you didn't fly off... before I was done with you.
Linkara: "And then I'd break my own spine so I couldn't leave either!... wait."
Linkara (VO): Iron Man tries to arrest Peter, but to make a long story short, Peter webs up Iron Man into a giant coccoon. He then rips off Tony's mask so the two can talk.
Peter Parker: Aunt May is dying! ... She's dying and it's your fault! I trusted you! I let you get close to me... you were like a father to me!
Linkara: uh... not... really, no... he wasn't.
Linkara: Allow me to share a revelation I've had. For all of his bluster about "with great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns from his mistakes, never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else. Now some would say that's the core concept of the character, the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because something more important was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of finding a way to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses for it and be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man. Now that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over. During a story line called "The Other" when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition (this was also written by JMS by the way), he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a super-villain. He's never thought about the repurcussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt. In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy," a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now! Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not, the character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school, never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review One More Day. The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him: the unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly 25 years old at the time of this story - maybe closer to 30 - And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a 16-year-old would and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult. I've made several jokes in the last 200 episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming super-villains because of his life as Spider-Man - and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker actually cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a long time ago. But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers - and Marvel Editorial - seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's "drama" in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world. And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real-life challenges of the world! That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: his ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, had kids, has relatives that die and they have to move on. The reader changed... but Peter Parker has not. You know, recently, there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not of course, they're just releasing a whole bunch of new number ones, but you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life... then why the hell isn't he still there?
Linkara (VO): Anyway, he keeps ranting this is all Tony's fault and that he needs to go help Aunt May, since she was an innocent in all this. Wait, weren't you ranting earlier that this was all your fault.? Linkara (VO): Anyway, he keeps ranting this is all Tony's fault and that he needs to go help Aunt May, since she was an innocent in all this. Wait, weren't you ranting earlier that this was all your fault, Peter?
Linkara: Allow me to share a revelation I've just had. For all of his bluster about "with great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns fromook his mistakes, never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else. Now some would say that's the core concept of the character, the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because something more important was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of finding a way to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses for it and be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man. Now that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over. During a story line called "The Other" when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition (this was also written by JMS by the way), he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a super-villain. He's never thought about the repurcussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt. In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy," a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now. Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not, the character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school, never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review One More Day. The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him: the unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly 25 years old at the time of this story, maybe closer to 30. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a 16-year-old would and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult. I've made several jokes in the last 200 episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming super-villains because of his life as Spider-Man and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker actually cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a long time ago. But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers and Marvel editorial seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's drama in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world. And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real-life challenges of the world. That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: His ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, has kids, have relatives that die and they have to move on. The reader changed but Peter Parker has not. You know there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not of course. They're just releasing a whole bunch of new number ones, but you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?
Linkara: You're seriously doing this, aren't you!
Linkara (VO): ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Seriously, look at this again: "You know why guys like me get into games like that? Because there's something missing." And then we have, "Because things didn't plan out like they were supposed to. So we go someplace else." This frickin' comic just said that the reason people play video games and enjoy escapist fiction… is because they're losers who want something more with their lives! I don't know if it was Joe Quesada or JMS who wrote this, but considering JMS's body of work concerning speculative fiction, AND the fact that issues 3 and 4 for One More Day were heavily rewritten, I think it's fair to assume that JOE QUESASDA wrote this. In which case, I have something to say!
Linkara: YOU INSULTING… PATRONIZING… DICKHEAD! HOW DARE YOU! How DARE you insult video game creators and players! How DARE you criticize people for enjoying escapist fiction WHEN FRICKIN' SUPERHERO COMICS ARE ESCAPIST FICTION!
Linkara (VO): If JMS wrote those bits, then those remarks can go to him. Either way, this scene is another reason why I decided to finally talk about this story! Forget about the deal with the devil, I am shocked that nobody ever talks about this!!! That's what the thing is saying!! You buy our crap because you're a loser, so keep buying our crap, loser!