Care Bears Nutcracker

Note: This guide is unfinished.

''We start off today's episode with the Nostalgia Critic looking catatonic. Standing in the room with him are Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray.''

Tamara: Oh, my God. What is wrong with him?

Malcolm: Christmas withdrawal. Happens every year.

Tamara: Is he gonna snap out of it?

Malcolm: (holding up a cup) Maybe with a Christmas Bloody Mary. Come on, buddy. It's perfect for any Christmas hangover. It's blended fruitcake with just a hint of eggnog. (He takes a sip, and then immediately regrets that decision after finding out how bad it tastes.)

Tamara: Okay, well maybe if we take him to the theater and show him some traditional Christmas movies.

Malcolm: Good idea. (The two of them put NC in front of the computer showing the AMC website.) Think we'll find a film about Christmas showing?

Tamara: Malcolm, no movies about Christmas come around this time of year.

Malcolm: But you said Christmas movies.

Tamara: Oh, well I mean a movie that comes out around Christmas, not about Christmas. Like we can take him to one of these true story movies. A bunch of those come out this time of year. (The movies shown are Big Eyes, Mr. Turner, The Imitation Game, Unbroken and Wild.)

Malcolm: Or how about one of these fantasy films? There's always a few of those playing, too. (The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, Into the Woods and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.)

Tamara: Yeah, one of those actually ties into the category of "people making musicals who shouldn't be making musicals" musicals. (Into The Woods and Annie.)

Malcolm: As well as the expensive kids films nobody attempted to make good. (Annie, Snow Queen 2, Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast and Night at the Museum again.)

Tamara: Yeah.

Malcolm: We always do have the Oscar bait white guilt films.

Tamara: Now what is that one? (This one is for Selma.)

Malcolm: Oh, this year it's Selma, but before it was The Blind Side, 20 Years A Slave*, Django (Unchained).

(*He means 12 Years A Slave*)

Tamara: No kidding.

Malcolm: Yeah I love those movies cause the Critic always takes me out to dinner afterwards.

Tamara: Oh, good job.

Suddenly NC raises his hand and points at a movie, moaning at it, making them notice.

Malcolm: What? (NC moans again, the two now seeing today's movie) Oh, that's just the kids screening of the Care Bears Nutcracker. You don't want to see that. (NC moans again) Dude, they're only playing it because it was cheap to get. (NC moans louder)

Tamara: Critic, are you seriously saying that you want to sit through a bunch of whiny brats so that you can watch something slightly Christmas related?

Cut to a grumpy NC in a movie theater as balloons float in the air and children are screaming and laughing loudly.

NC: (seething with hatred) So worth it.

We then come to the opening, before cutting to a normal NC at his desk.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Alright, I've had my post-Christmas fix; it's time to move on to more serious stuff. (beat) Let's talk about Care Bears.

The title screen for "The Care Bears Nutcracker" is shown before various clips of it are shown.

NC (v/o): After reviewing what I suppose is the Care Bears movie trilogy, a lot of people were complaining that there was one more film for me to look over: The Care Bears Nutcracker. In actuality, this was a one-hour episode of the TV series. That's why it opens up with the theme song and characters who don't appear in the special at all. This is actually kinda funny 'cause I can wonder what the poor people who never saw the show were thinking when they popped this DVD in.

The "Care Bears" theme song, performed by John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful), begins.

Singer: Who's that coming, from somewhere...

NC (v/o): Wait... Why is there a little girl version of (shows on top-left corner a picture of...) Doc Brown next to one of Gimli's hairballs? (A picture of Gimli is shown on top-right corner.) Wait... Why did some of the Care Bears start wearing seriously dated clothes? (No Heart, one of the show's villains, is seen.) Who the fuck is that guy? Did the wizard from Fantasia (shows on top-left corner a picture of Yen Sid) become a Klansman recently? (A picture of a Ku Klux Klan member is shown on top-right corner.) Nevertheless, in the spirit of post-Christmas depression I suppose I can give in and still review this fuck-horse. Let's finish off the Care Bears saga before we get to the stuff that gets... (A clip of one of the Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-Lot episodes, "Grizzle-ized," is shown.) somehow weirder.

Grizzle Bear: The Grizzle-ator!

NC: Time for a game of disappearing brain cells. This is The Care Bears Nutcracker.

NC (v/o): We open with a school production of--what else?--The Nutcracker, as apparently not all the other performers are on board.

Chris: You said it was gonna have a lot of fights and battles and...

Holly: But there are a lot of fights and battles in the show!

NC: Some versions even have a Holocaust if you're desperate enough! (DVD cover of The Nutcracker in 3D is shown at top-left corner.)

Holly: You can't just change the story, Chris!

Miss Walker: Actually, Holly, Tchaikovsky's ballet is only one of the many different ways the original story has been re-told.

NC: Again, Holocaust. (Picture from The Nutcracker in 3D with the Nazi-dressed rats is shown at top-left corner) Look it up; you'll be pleasantly disappointed.

Holly: Can you tell us your favorite version of the Nutcracker story? (kids cheering as they gather around with Miss Walker)

NC (v/o, as Miss Walker): Well, we go on in 10 minutes but--eh, we're gonna suck anyway.

Miss Walker: My favorite version of the story was told to me by some friends of mine: the Care Bears.

Holly: The Care Bears are your friends?

Miss Walker: That's right, Holly.

NC (v/o): Yes, the Care Bears are kind of a socially-accepted department of authority now as everyone seems to know exactly who they are. (We cut to a scene in Care-a-Lot) But nevertheless, that doesn't explain how it's possible to snow in Care-a-Lot even though they're above the clouds.

One of the Nutcracker pieces, "Dance of the Reed Flutes," is heard while Care Bear babies Hugs and Tugs run up a cloudy hill to grab a star.

NC (v/o): (singing along with the music) We're gonna use this music in our show / 'Cause it's public domain cleared by the studio / We'll steal it as we please / Slashing composer fees / Although musically but visually, it really blows.

Braveheart Lion: Well, Hugs and Tugs, have you found your own special ornament?

Baby Hugs: No, Braveheart!

Baby Tugs: All the other Care Bears have special ornaments of their own, and so should we!

Clip from The Big Lebowski is shown.

Brandt: This is our concern, Dude.

Back to the movie.

Funshine Bear: Can somebody help me? I've just spotted a little girl down on Earth through the star telescope. Her name is Anna and she's really sad!

Braveheart Lion: What? But it's Christmas! Everybody should be happy!

NC (v/o): You know, don't the Care Bears have anything other than first world problems?

NC as Care Bear 1: Oh, no; a little girl is sad! We should go help her right away!

NC as Care Bear 2: Uh--yeah, what about some of these ruthless dictators that have been slaughtering the innocent? Couldn't we, maybe, ship their emotions so they don't want to do that anymore?

NC as Care Bear 1: No, no; we mostly just deal with the white ones.

NC as Care Bear 2: Oh... any particular reason?

NC as Care Bear 1: We're based off of greeting cards; who else are we gonna appeal to?

Funshine Bear: Grumpy! You're just the person I need.

Grumpy Bear: Why always me?

NC (v/o): So Funshine Bear takes Grumpy Bear to go with... which I'm only now realizing how strange it is that he's a part of all this. Why is there a Care Bear named Grumpy? Isn't it like going to a psychiatrist named Lunatic? (high-pitched evil laughter is heard as a picture of a crazy-haired psychiatrist is shown)

Another Nutcracker piece, "Trepak (Russian Dance)," is heard as Funshine and Grumpy Bear are catching snowflakes with their tongues (only Grumpy Bear is failing to do so).

NC (v/o): (again, singing along with the music) We're still gonna rip off these damn songs / We don't give a shit if you think it's wrong / You'll associate this tune with Care Bears now / We know it's a pretty lame-ass way to connect any of this to the damn ballet / But it shuts your kids up, so calm the fuck down.

''As "Trepak" nears its close, Funshine and Grumpy Bear crash their "cloud car" into a chimney and fall down it. As a result, their car disappears.''

NC (v/o): So after committing vehicle-icide--I'm assuming it was alive; it did have a face--they fall down the chimney of the girl they're supposed to help.

Funshine Bear: Thanks, Grumpy! (climbs through the window before a soot-covered Grumpy Bear closes it) Why are you all black?

Grumpy Bear: Because I like to be all black!

NC: Well, you and most white suburban teenagers.

NC (v/o): So they go into the room of our sad girl named Anna. And--is it me or do the Care Bears have the habit of helping the exact same looking type of girl every single time? There really is some prejudice bullshit going on here!

NC as Care Bear 2: Ma'am! We have another sad little girl on the corner of --

NC as Care Bear 1: Does she have blonde hair and blue eyes?

NC as Care Bear 2: (beat) I... don't know what that has to do with anything --

NC as Care Bear 1: Answer the question!

NC as Care Bear 2: Well, no; she's a brunette with green eyes.

NC as Care Bear 1: Not interested.

NC as Care Bear 2: But -- she's threatening others with a machete!

NC as Care Bear 1: AWAY WITH YOU! (looks at cell phone) One day, my Führer, we will build the master race.

Cut to an image of Adolf Hitler (with a Care Bear's head) on that cell phone, with audio of one of his German speeches in the background.

NC (v/o): But as luck would freakin' have it, Anna's house is the exact same random location of a portal to another world.

NC: It happens... Usual with the Care Bears in the house!

NC (v/o): So they come across a Nutcracker who should clearly be called the Voicecracker due to his puberty pipes...

Nutcracker: I can't remember my name./I've even lost my arm!/Thanks for straightening me out!

NC (v/o): (as Nutcracker) If only I was built with testicles so they would drop! (normal) ...as he's soon followed by some rodent baddies, led by the Rat King. (still shot of the Rat King from the 1987 animated series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown) If only... (back to the movie) Now, the only thing this guy would be the king of is being the villain of a fast food commercial.

Rat King: They're getting away! STOP THEM!

NC: (little confused) Look out; it's the Rat King! He ruins happy meals!

Cut to a scene where Anna and Nutcracker accidentally push her brother Peter, Funshine Bear, and Grumpy Bear into a coat rack and they bounce backward with it.

Rat King: A-HA!

The coat rack, with Peter, Funshine Bear, and Grumpy Bear inside, is seen bouncing forward.

NC (v/o, as Rat King): RUN! A COAT! ...Wait, what?

Peter: Nutcracker!?

NC (v/o): So her brother, named Peter, gets involved as the Care Bears try to use peaceful talks to calm down the Rat--NAH, just kidding; they beat the shit out of him.

Funshine Bear: Those flowers won't hold them for long!

NC (v/o): Only here and in my pot-induced dreams will that ever make sense. But the Nutcracker suddenly gets back part of his memory.

Nutcracker: They work for the evil vizier who's trying to control all of Toyland!

Peter: Yippee!

NC: (beat) Yay, slavery?

NC (v/o): So after escaping the stairs (stares), they go back to being another scene on the stairs (stares). Just an expensive location you wanna get your money's worth?

Rat King: Lemme through!

Funshine fires flowers and a rainbow from his chest, hitting the rat soldiers and knocking them back.

NC: (deep voice) Rainbows! Ya see me, motherfucker?

Grumpy creates a storm cloud, which zaps the Rat King in the back.

NC (v/o, as Rat King): Hey, how'd I get to the top of the stairs all of a sudden? Should've paid your background artists more!

Funshine and Grumpy: CARE BEAR STARE!!!

Funshine and Grumpy both blast the rats and their king with Care bear stares, sending them back through the doorway from whence they came.

NC (v/o): Okay, so the Care Bear Stare has a lot more power than I gave it credit for. Apparently, it can also open up doorways to other dimensions and send bad guys back through it.

(Cut to a scene from Ghostbusters, where the group is on the roof of the building.)

Egon: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.

Peter: How?

NC (v/o, as Egon): The Care Bear Stare.

Peter: (slaps Ray) I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!

(back to the movie)

NC (v/o): So it's explained that the Rat King works for the evil vizier who has taken over Toyland, and thus, the Care Bears need backup in order to save it.