The Marine

(Before we get to the opening, we're treated to a warning)

WARNING: The following episode contains scenes of flashing images. Viewer discretion is advised.)

(We do the opening, then come to Film Brain in his room)

Film Brain: Hello and welcome to the fourth series Bad Movie Beatdown, and we start off with Wrestlemonthia! A whole month of films starring wrestlers, and first up is The Marine.

(Clips of No Holds Barred)

FB (vo): I don't know what Hollywood's obsession is with hiring wrestlers to act in films is. (Clips of Mr. Nanny) Maybe they figure because they're charismatic in the ring that transfers over to the screen, but we've seen enough times already that just cause they're an in-ring success doesn't mean it will bring in the green, or be any good for that matter. (Posters of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and Sci-Fighters are shown) Look at the sad, sad movie careers of Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper if you want evidence of that.

FB: Hell, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is probably the most successful and his choice of roles is frankly...(pulls out the dvd for The Tooth Fairy) shaky at best.

FB (vo): Recently the WWE has ventured into producing films of their own. The Marine was intended as their first feature and was going to star (picture of) Stone Cold Steve Austin in the title role. (Poster for) See No Evil actually ended up being released before this one. (Clips of John Cena in the WWE are shown) However, Austin and the WWE had a bit of a falling out, so rising star John Cena was hired to take his place. Ah yes, John Cena. The man who's booked to look invincible, and that's why the crowd started to turn on him. He has mike skills, but his wrestling, well, five moves of doom and all that.

FB: And you'll be glad to know those traits have transferred to this film, so here's Cena at his most ludicrous.

FB (vo): So the film starts in an Al Qaeda compound in Iraq where some marines have been captured and are going to be executed. But not if John Triton, played by Cena, gets there first. He's told to wait for his team to arrive, but screw that noise. He's going in guns blazing to shoot the a-holes!

FB: America! America! America! USA! USA! USA!

FB (vo): I mean hot damn, look at this guy go! He's just dominating over the terrorists who outnumber him 9 to 1. It's true it's shot so incomprehensibly I can't tell what the hell is happening, but he's making Rambo look like a pussy.

FB: All we needed was John Cena and we would've found Osama in days.

(Clip from WWE Extreme Rules 2011)

John Cena: We have caught and compromised to a permanent end, Osama Bin Laden.

(back to the movie)

FB (vo): He and the other marines then run out onto the battlefield, raise a kickass back to freedom in the most jingoistic thing I've ever seen.

FB: I should also mention I'm keeping count of the number of explosions in this film because, well it's a bit like the Fourth of July if you know what I mean. (Explosion Count: 8)

FB (vo): We move to a Marine base in Germany and you'd think John would have gotten a Medal of Honor for what he did, but it seems like everyone's not pleased with what happened.

Colonel: Bottom line is you disobeyed a direct order. You're being discharged. (He hands Triton his discharge papers) Walk away with dignity.

John Triton: Colonel...I'm a marine.

FB: Not anymore, Sonny Jim! Actually, now that I think about it, we should probably change the title to The Ex-Marine.

FB (vo): But hey, things aren't all that bad. Because when John goes back home to the States, his supermodel hot wife Kate, played by Kelly Carlson of Nip/Tuck fame, jumps on him and shoves her tongue down his throat. He then takes her into the bedroom for an extended bit of bonking. Well they've probably been building up for awhile, they've got to let out some steam a little bit. Although in the hours of lovemaking all the way from the bed to the kitchen, they never got past taking off their underwear.

Kate Triton: John, the hardest thing about you leaving was not knowing. Not knowing where you were, not knowing if you're coming home, not knowing if I'm gonna get that phone call saying that you wouldn't be.

FB: Well that's very true, but you rode out the hardest part. Figuratively and literally.

Kate: Are you sure about starting this job tomorrow?

John: Ohh.

Kate: I just think there's so many other things you could be doing. I just want you to be happy, John.

John: Come on. (he pulls her off the counter into his arms)

Kate: Where are we going?

John: To make me happy.

FB: He gets a job almost the moment he's out of the Corps AND he has enough stamina to bonk his wife again! Lucky bastard.