How to Be a Pirate: Hooks

Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer.

Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” [fade out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo] coming from Dead Skull’s Pub!

''We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera.''

Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] But only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard.

And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. [raises his glass and looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, lads? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me.

Today, [leans out of shot to set his beer on the counter] we’re gonna be looking at… [he holds up his left hand, which has a hook on it; thus, the caption on the bottom of the screen says:] HOOKS.

Now, there’s a big controversy about hooks. Ya see, a lot of pirates claim that ya have to have ya hand cut off in order to have a hook.

But I disagree and would like at start a NEW movement!

A movement I like at call: [the screen goes black as the following caption appears:] Hooks Aren’t Just For People Without Hands.

Or the abbreviated version: [HAJFPWH appears at bottom-screen; Bill pauses when realizing he can’t really pronounce it] …well, you can all say that.

[scratching his gotee with his hook] I have to admit the movement hasn’t had many members.

Basically, it’s just me and Ariel the Mute.

I always find that she can’t say “no” to anything. [looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Ariel the Mute? [we hear nothing from Ariel, obviously] Aargh, your finger says more than your words ever could!

[looks back at us] Incidentally, there’s also some controversy about what kind of hook you should get.

[looks up, thinking while his right index finger touches the hook’s tip] Some use forks, others use spoons…

I know this one fellow who used to use a spatula.

[looks off-screen left] We used ta call him… [looks back at us] crazy.

[looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Mr. Harrison?

Mr. Harrison: If Jesus was alive, he’d punch you in the balls.

Bill: You are Lucifer’s rectum!

[looks back at us] Not a skinny fellow, either.

Man’s so large, he thought Fat Albert was a malted milk ball.

Personally, myself, I like to go for the most treacherous of all steels: plastic.

Apparently, I got in some trouble with some things I shouldn’t have done with a real hook.

For example, don’t shake hands like a hook.

Unless ya want the hook face to really catch on.

Also, don’t go turning pages with a hook!

It’ll ruin many a copy of Harry Potter.

Picking your nose isn’t probably a good idea unless ya want a hook for a nose.

And finally, never circumcise with a hook. Ya lose many Jewish pirates that way.

[looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Mr. Goldman? [Bill ducks as he hear a gunshot blast and see a ricocheting bullet off the wall; he bends back up] Ya couldn’t hit the blind side of a fashion mall!

[looks back at us] I mean it. He’s blind as a bat.

Even his audio books are in Braille.

Course it could be because he had something in his eye, and I tried to scratch it out for him.

That reminds me: never go up to someone who has something in their eye and try to scratch it out for them!

They don’t make hooks for eyes.

Still, there are some good things that can be put to use with ya hook hand.

[he demonstrates…] Picking ya teeth is very handy.

Fishing is a no-brainer.

Cutting umbilical cords just… again, no circumcision.

And, of course, dentistry. These are handy little devices for dentistry.

I would, however, recommend that ya be a dentist.

Again, found that out the hard way.

I don’t want to say specifically, but let’s just say Toothless Joe can’t pronounce my name anymore.

[looks overhead-left] Isn’t that right, Toothless Joe?

Toothless Joe: Puuu- pu- puu.. [he obviously can’t talk right]

Bill: [looks back at us] I’m sure he was saying something positive.

Man’s so ugly, prostitutes got to pay money not to sleep with them.

Speaking of which, never use one of these on a prostitute!

She will take away some body parts.

Too specifically.

And again, hooks don’t replace those very well.

[looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Sleazy Liz?

Sleazy Liz: The only thing that’d sleep with you is a corpse!

Bill: GO LOOK IN THA MIRROR AND TURN YA SELF TO STONE!

[looks back at us] Overweight cow.

Woman’s so large, her cup size is a salad bowl.

So, bottom line is, just like marketers say: if ya want to bring some people in, ya gotta have a good hook.

And preferably no innocent blood stained on it.

[looks off-screen left] Isn’t that right, Hairy Larry?

Hairy Larry: Haven’t you been sacrificed as a virgin yet?

Bill: Haven’t you climbed back into your mother, the ape?

[looks back at us] Not much of a thinker, either.

Man’s so stupid, he though peg leg was contagious.

Aargh, they act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Bloodbeard Joe.

Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! ''[when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and forth, addressing the crowd]''

Bill: What do ya say, lads? Shall I tell ya the stories about the greatest pirate who ever lived? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe is so menacing that the sun puts on Bloodbeard Joeblock! [the patrons are pleased]

Bloodbeard Joe is so focused that he once beat Sauron, the Eye of Evil, in a staring contest. [they laugh]

They say that, recently, a life-sized replica of Bloodbeard Joe‘s penis was made. [pauses] And they called it Mount Everest! [Hooray!]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe once walked up to the Pearly Gates, kicked them down, walked up at God’s house, looked Him in the eye and said, “You’re in my seat!” ''[Hooray! Bill laughs]''

Bloodbeard Joe has a chainsaw for a nose. [Hooray!] Nuclear warheads for teeth. [Hooray!] And a bazooka for a spleen! [they shout]

Patron: And what does he have for buttocks?

Bill: [quickly] I don’t know.

Bloodbeard Joe’s ship is so mighty that he once challenged the moon to a race around the earth… and the moon is still trying to catch up! [they shout]

They say that the Pirates of the Caribbean movie[s] were originally going to be about Bloodbeard Joe... but the camera kept exploding from his awesomeness! [Wooooow.] Aaargh, awesome, awesome, yes.

Bloodbeard Joe is so intelligent that he watched the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey and said, … “TOO OBVIOUS!” [they laugh]

So everybody, raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”]

Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us with his hook] See ya soon. [takes another drink as the announcer speaks:]

Announcer: This was [we dissolve to the title card] “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh.

''The title fades, and the first credit screen airs. The music fades but restarts as Bill appears again:''

Bill: Aargh! Have you heard stories about Bloodbeard Joe? I bet ya have.

Just send it [BloodBeard@ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com appears on the bottom of the screen] to this address right here, and it just might make it into the next episode.

But send them quick because… I want them quick! [shrugs and takes another drink]

Second credit screen and CA stinger.

THE END