Labyrinth (NC)

(We start off the episode with Tamara Chambers in pajamas holding a teddy bear in the middle of a temper tantrum)

Tamara: I don't like anything! Mom and dad suck!

(Mom and dad happen to be Tamara (in old lady makeup) with a cigarette and a bottle of hooch, and Doug Walker holding a tobacco pipe)

Mom: Well, there's no doubt about it.

Dad: Our daughter is a twat.

(Suddenly Malcolm Ray appears)

Malcolm: Tired of not being able to keep your child under control?

(We cut back to Tamara having a tantrum)

Dad: This is what the morning after pill is for, you know?

Malcolm: Well fear not, for we have the perfect solution. (He holds up a DVD case titled "80s Movies") Try 80s movies.

(Posters of Labyrinth, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Return To Oz, The Witches and The Secret of NIMH go by)

Malcolm (vo): The 80s were a time when all kids media wanted to do was scare the shit out of you, and now you can bring their horrendous horrors to your home.

Dad: Hey honey, wanna see cute little mousies in The Secret of NIMH?

(Tamara laughs while Dad puts the movie in.)

Voice: My husband's dead, and my child is dying. Everything's trying to kill me and I'm drowning to death! Aaah!

(Tamara's grin drops into a look of horror)

Malcolm: Think your kid's upset? Wait until she sees a decapitated woman chasing a little girl in Return To Oz.

(Tamara is still in shock as screams are heard)

Voice: Dorothy Gaaaale!

(Pictures of monsters from 80s kids movies appear)

Malcolm (vo): From Little Monsters to The Witches to Something Wicked This Way Comes, 80s films tried to scare life lessons into your child's nightmares to the point where they can't remember what those life lessons are.

(Tamara is clutching her teddy bear's head tightly)

Atreyu: Artax! Nooooo!!

Mom: But can't we get in trouble for showing our kids that?

Malcolm: No problem. Most 80s films have a PG rating, but that was back when it actually stood for something.

(Posters of The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, Frozen, Inside Out and Kung Fu Panda are shown)

Malcolm (vo): Nowadays, it stands for "Practically G."

Malcolm: So you can plead naive innocence to your cruelty.

(Mom and Dad toast their bottle and pipe against each other)

(Tamara is still in wide-eyed horror)

Judge Doom: When I killed your brother, I talked...JUST...LIKE...THIIIIIISSSS!!!

(Tamara is now rocking in the corner)

Tamara: Death. Endless despair. Sadness. 80s, no!

Mom: Will she ever socialize again?

Malcolm: Well if she does, just show her Watership Down.

Parents: Thanks, 80s Movies.

(Mom puts her cigarette into Malcolm's breast pocket)

Dad: What made me a stronger human being will scar my kids for life.

Malcolm: It burns.

(A graphic appears to sum it up)

Malcolm (vo): 80s Movies: Making Modern Media Look Like Pussies for Generations. (A Family Picture.)

(We finally come to the Nostalgia Critic 2016 opening)