The Worst Films of 2014 (Brian, Sarah and Dave)

Introduction
Brian: All right, how do we look here?

Dave: I...you two look fantastic. I feel so little between you guys, 'cause I'm sitting in the hole. Like, I am as tall as both of you; what the fuck is happening?

Brian: Well, she's sitting up really straight.

Sarah: I have good posture, what do you want from me?

Dave: [leaning forward] I'm just gonna be like this the whole time. Hi.

Brian: That's a good angle.

Sarah: Join us, won't you, as we count down our ten worst movies of the year.

Dave: Is that the cold open? Are we going with it?

Brian: We're going for it.

Dave: Yeah, ten worst movies of the year. It's almost February, it's about fucking time we did this.

Brian: I look at it like this, 'cause I know we had kind of, like, a delay of game doing ours. I just figure, ours is closer to awards season.

Dave: Ah.

Sarah: Ah, yeah, yeah.

Brian: So there's that. It's also closer to the Super Bowl, so I don't know if that counts for anything either.

Sarah: Should we, like, give a silly name, then, to the dubious awards we're about to bestow? Like the Badsies or the Don't-Wanna-Goes?

Brian and Dave laugh

Dave: I like the Don't-Wanna-Goes.

Brian: And the I-Don't-Wannas.

Dave: That's my reaction almost every week. "Hey, buddy, would you mind?"

"Aww..."

Sarah: I don't wanna go.

Brian: I just figure this'll make a good halftime show for anyone who doesn't wanna watch the actual halftime show.

Dave: Or the Puppy Bowl.

Brian: You know, those people are fascists if you don't wanna watch the Puppy Bowl and the Kitten Halftime Show.

Sarah: The Kitten Halftime Show and the Puppy Bowl both have the problem where the first five minutes, it's the best thing ever, and then you're, like, "fucking puppies again?"

Brian: No, but then at the very end, there's like, glitter bomb.

Sarah: Yeah, and the Kitten Halftime Show, but the thing is, the kittens, nine times out of ten, don't give a shit about the glitter bomb.

Brian: Especially the one that, like, eats the glitter.

Dave: Always.

Sarah: He's the winner.

Brian: So I promise, we actually did watch movies this year.

#10
Sarah: #10.

Brian: #10.

Sarah; So who wants to go first?

Dave: You.

Sarah: Okay. So, for #10, I've got Winter's Tale. And honestly, I didn't really see that many bad movies this year.

Dave: We sure did.

Sarah: Some of the middling bits...

Brian: I can't imagine how that feels.

Dave: Yeah, what's that like, Sarah.

Sarah: You should probably feel sorry for me.

Dave: This is your first year doing this horrible list.

Brian: Yeah, yeah.

Sarah: [holding up book] I'm pretty excited; I wrote them all down in my book.

Dave: Welcome to the club.

Brian: Yeah, technically, this was supposed to be my year to see good movies.

Dave: Same here!

Brian: I had a list that I had to whittle down to ten.

Dave: Same here. After last year, we were promised good movies this year. I think he lied to us.

Brian: Three of the movies on my list that I had to look through were from January.

Sarah: Most of the movies on my list, I had to rewatch the video so I could remember what my opinion was.

Dave: But anyway.

Sarah: #10., Winter's Tale. And the reason it's so long down, even though it's objectively one of the worst movies this year, because I enjoyed it so much that I actually made other people watch it.

Dave: Twice. Twice. Made me watch it twice.

Sarah: It got pretty high on Jake's list, and he didn't even see it in theaters, he saw it at my Christmas party, when I sat everyone down and said, "time to watch The Winter's Tale!"

Brian: I didn't know we could include movies we didn't see in theaters.

Dave: Oh, yeah, there's a few on mine.

Brian: Well, that objectively changes my whole list. I'm not gonna change it though. I'm not gonna go to the trouble.

Sarah: So #10., A Winter's Tale. I don't know how in-depth you're supposed to go on these things.

Dave: As much as you want to.

Sarah: Well, you've heard my opinions on Winter's Tale. It's batshit insane, but I've been quoting it all year. So that's the reason it's not higher up, because I'd watch it again in a heartbeat.

Dave: There's nothing like walking out of the bathroom in the morning and just hearing Sarah scream, "HORSE!"

Sarah: Horse! Found the goddamn horse...while he was in the bathroom apparently.

Brian: I can see that being a little jarring at 7:00 AM, like, goddammit, I just woke up. Can't he find the horse tomorrow? I'm trying to sleep.

Dave: My #10 was Dracula Untold. Of the bad movies I've seen this year, I mean, it was pretty horrendous, but it was not the most horrendous, by any means. It was just a really bad Dracula movie. It would've been a really cool, like, action movie if it wasn't Dracula.

Brian: Yeah, that was one, I think, there's a really fun video game in there somewhere.

Dave: Yeah! That would be, like, an amazing video game for the N...a great 8-bit video game. Like, weird Castlevania-type fucking game. But it was not a fun movie to sit through. It had elements that I thought were really fun, like the dude from Game of Thrones being the fucking Nosferatu was fucking great.

Brian: Charles Dance.

Sarah: Okay. Kinda looks like Nosferatu anyway.

Dave: But the rest of it is just so fucking batshit weird and out there, and the idea that they're trying to build a universe on top of that, of great, beloved, wonderful things, on top of that...that's why it got #10 on my list.

Brian: Yeah, that one was another misfire, like The Wolfman a couple years ago. It had all of the makings of being a success, and it just wasn't.

Dave: Well, The Wolfman a couple years ago.

Brian: I'm still unconvinced that Benicio Del Toro isn't a wolfman.

Dave: No, he was great in, like, there was some weird stuff about that. Overall, I thought that was a good-looking movie in a much...if that had been, like, "we're gonna make this and we're gonna build a universe on top of the movie," I would've been much more game for it.

Sarah: Well, if I had gotten a #11, it would've been I, Frankenstein. 'Cause again, it had the problem of being not as insane as I expect it to be, while still being pretty dumb.

Dave: It was dumb, but it was fun, that's why it didn't make my list.

Sarah: I made notes next to the ones I wrote my opinions on, and this one I have, "unapologetically dumb; Sarah had fun; written by a five-year-old; not remotely good."

Brian: My #10 was actually the first movie I saw last year. Legend of Hercules.

Dave: Oh, yeah, with King Ed Glaser

Brian: With King Ed Glaser. That is the one redeeming quality that that movie had, was goddamn King Ed Glaser.

Sarah: I have not heard of this.

Brian: The main villain of the movie, Scott Atkins...

Dave: With a beard.

Brian: With a beard, looks surprisingly like Ed.

Sarah: Oh, okay.

Brian: So, that movie starts with him, like, killing the former king and, you know, usurping the throne and all that. So yeah, for the rest of the... I don't even remember what his character's name even was; I just know that that is how I remember that character. That's how Ed is in Lettie's phone. If he calls, it comes up King Ed Glaser.

Sarah: When he calls me, it comes up as Doctor Kamaze

Dave: Ed never calls me.

Sarah: Aw...

Brian: That got sad. But it's...of the...it's dumb that I'm saying this. Of the two big-budget Hercules movies this year, this one...it just felt really tame, and then when things would happen, it was just so goddamn stupid. Like, it was basically Gladiator for most of the movie. It was just a ripoff of Gladiator if it was shot like 300 or...what was that other one? Immortals?

Dave: Yeah, that one was all shiny.

Brian: And then, like, towards the end, this, like, weird shit started happening, like he's got, like, a sword and he gets hit by lightning, but he contains the lightning, and then suddenly, he's got, like, this giant lightning sword that's 30 feet long, so it more so looks like a big electric whip.

Sarah: And Neil deGrasse Tyson gets on Twitter and explains why that totally couldn't happen.

Brian: Buzzkill. Smartest man currently alive.

Dave: He's my fucking hero right now. Watch Cosmos.

Brian: Yeah, watch Cosmos, not any of the three movies we just listed.

Dave: Anything we're gonna talk about. Well, maybe some things.

Brian: Well, yeah. But Legend of Hercules. If you're gonna watch either of them, watch the one with Dwayne Johnson in it.

Dave: The Rock.

Brian: He's a professional.

Sarah: Oh, 'cause the end of the preview for that one always gave me giggle-fits.

Brian: No, it's actually a fairly decent movie that's actually...like, it had some decent layering to it. It's like, oh, turns out he's not this man of legend, it just happens he's got a team of people who work with him to help him pull off these big cons on all of these people.

Sarah: Oh, okay.

Brian: Like, the hydra's not a big mythological serpent with multiple heads. No, it was like a group of bandits who wore weird snake masks. But to keep up the myth, they purported that it was a big beastie. You know, it was like all these different things until weird shit starts happening, and then he's, like, "oh, shit, we do need to be able to do all this stuff we make up bullshit about."

Sarah: Kinda like A Bug's Life?

Brian: [long pause] Sure. But, you know, of the two Hercules movies, that one was way fucking better. It was a much more enjoyable sit. It wasn't that great of a movie, but it was fun. The other one, it felt...it felt like you were doing the Labors of Hercules yourself.

Sarah and Brian share a laugh while Dave pets him on the head

Dave: Oh, you're so pretty.

Brian: Good thing.

#9
Brian: #9.

Sarah: #9, I've got Before I Go to Sleep.

Brian: The fuck was that?

Dave: What the fuck was that one?

Brian: I honestly have no recollection of that movie.

Sarah: A problem that we're gonna be in this video, and that's that a lot of you guys' stuff will be, like, "oh, yeah, I remember we went and saw that one."

Brian: Remember, we saw that one together?

Dave: Yeah.

Sarah: Before I Go to Sleep, remember that one? When Nicole Kidman had amnesia?

Dave: Oh, that one! I remember you told me about that one. Okay.

Sarah: The first note I have is, "barely remember it," because, well, Brad sent me a list of the "bad" movies I'd seen this year, and I'm, like, "I don't recognize half of the stuff on this list," and I cited Before I Go to Sleep because the name of it is just so not a very good description of the movie. But it's basically the one where Nicole Kidman got bonked across the head by the guy she was having an affair with so many years ago, so it's basically if 50 First Dates was like a mystery-thriller. And Colin Firth beat the unholy shit out of her halfway through it.

Brian: I like to think that 50 First Dates is a mystery-thriller...

Sarah: Exactly!

Brian: What's going on with Sean Astin's love of, like, mesh half-shirts?

Dave: Oh, I forgot about that.

Brian: Remember? He's, like, the overly butch, potentially gay brother, but he's always wearing mesh half-shirts and, like, Zubaz pants.

Sarah: But it's basically like at the end of 50 First Dates, when she wakes up on the boat all pregnant, and she's basically fine with it after it's explained, like, via video montage; whereas, you know, any normal woman would wake up screaming 'cause, why the fuck am I pregnant? It's basically like that, where she keeps waking up and trying to piece her life back together via, like, a hidden camera she's got in a drawer. But it made it on the list because...

Dave: It's good she remembers that camera.

Sarah: It's got that Memento factor where, even if it's a relatively good movie, I'm still not gonna like it 'cause that's like a phobia of mine, of losing your memory like that.

Brian: Other people just taking the piss?

Sarah: Yeah, exactly. People are fucking with her throughout the entire movie, and you try to figure out who's fucking with her the most; turns out it's Colin Firth.

Brian: That was, like...one of your favorite scenes in Memento was, like, Carrie-Anne Moss, like, threatens him.

Sarah: Where he, like, punches her and forgets that he punches her, she's, like, "somebody punched me!"

Brian: Yeah, it's, like, takes all the pens and is, like, "I'm gonna walk outside and come back in, and I'll be your best fucking friend, 'cause you won't know it 'cause you're a goddamn retard."

"Oh, what happened?"

"He beat me."

Sarah: Yeah, it's like that, 'cause in the middle of the movie, you find out that Colin Firth is actually the guy that punched her in the brain, and she forgot about stuff, and has just been pretending to be her husband. And so, he's, like, keeping her in the house, putting himself in all of her pictures, and Photoshopped a wedding photo. And she finally figures out that, like, what had happened with her and Mark, and so she, like, explains it to him and shows him the camera, and he's, like, "oh," and then starts punching her in the head. It's fucking awful.

Brian: Wow.

Sarah: I've got, "barely remember it; better than Trespass; good acting; gave me a stomachache; well-made."

Brian: Well done.

Sarah: Thank you.

Dave: So, for my #9, I'm doing that thing where people actually get annoyed about this shit, but I'm putting two movies in the same slot.

Sarah: How dare you?

Dave: Yeah, because they're on the list for the exact same fucking reason. Those two movies are Let's Be Cops and Knights of Badassdom. And they're on the list because they were...they could've been so much, much more, but they were completely... Decent casts, decent concepts, some good funny bits, both of them, but overall, just complete wastes of everything that they had going for them. And I know you liked Let's Be Cops a little more than I did.

Brian: Yeah, I got around to watching it here a couple weeks ago. I didn't... it's not a great movie.

Dave: No, and it's not a bad movie. The other reason both those movies are on my list is because I really wanted to like them. Like, I was earnestly looking forward to both of them, and they were both...not even...didn't live up to a tenth of my expectations. Which...neither of them are terrible movies. And objectively, are they two of the ten worst movies...or eleven worst movies of the year? No. But they let me down, so they're on my list.

Brian: I can get that.

Dave: Yeah, just had all the right elements, but didn't hit the right notes.

Brian: No, I can get that 'cause I have, I think, one or two on my list that kind of fall into a similar category on there. Like, not that it was the worst movie of the year, but just like, it was a fucking letdown.

Dave: Yeah, and Let's Be Cops, even from the trailers, I knew, like, these are the funniest bits in the movie, but I was hoping there was gonna be more to tie them together. And in retrospect, I probably do like that movie a little more than the initial review was, now that I think about things. And Knights of Badassdom had some great parts in it, and a lot of good, funny actors doing good, funny things, but it was...the pacing was so fucking off. And there's weird elements of it...if you're gonna watch a movie about LARPing and shit, watch Role Models. It's funnier.

Brian: My #9 was Devil's Due.

Dave laughs

Sarah: Which one was that?

Brian: It was the found-footage version of Rosemary's Baby.

Sarah: Okay. Did you guys see that together?

Dave: Nope. I just remember that.

Brian: It's beyond fucking stupid. But it's one of those movies where...okay, it's found-footage, but it seriously stretches the fucking concept. And the entire thing hinges on the fact that hopefully, no one who's filming ever gets around to watching their own fucking videos. Because they have video proof of all of this happening, they just never fucking watch it. Like, it's...this couple gets married and they go to, like, Haiti for their honeymoon, and end up getting abducted by, like, this Satanic cult, and, like, the devil impregnates this dude's wife. And then the devil worshipers put them back in their hotel room, and they just think it was, like, a weird night of drinking. And it's, like, she starts acting more and more erratic 'cause, like, the baby's growing, it's doing weird shit. But it's the sort of thing where, like, half the time they're filming, there's no reason they should be filming. Like, he'll come into the room with his camera running and set it down, and then they'll just have a conversation about, like, "how was your day"-type bullshit.

Sarah: Capture that for posterity.

Brian: Yeah, 'cause, like, the tenuous setup they go for is that he's recording on their wedding day, and then he's recording their honeymoon, and then as soon as they get back from their honeymoon, that's when they find out that she's pregnant. And then he's decides to start filming everything to have, like, "here's, like, your parents before you were born" video.

Dave: Look how much happier we were.

Brian: And it gets so fucking weird, and it's really, really bad, and it's one of those movies where, by the end of it, despite the fucking mountains of video evidence showing all of this, the husband ends up getting, like, arrested for his wife's murder because, by the end of it, the devil, like, gets bored and she dies. And then that's when the cops show up. It was, like, "oh, the house is mostly blown apart, which is weird, and all these Satanic symbols carved everywhere, which is also weird, but she's dead and you're alive, so you must have killed her." So the dude gets arrested.

It's a dumb movie, it's a terrible premise. It sequel-baits itself, which, hopefully, there's not another one. As far as found-footage movies go, it really fucking pushes the premise. I get the whole recording thing, but every five minutes when they realize that the previous reason they gave you is running out, they'll come up with a new reason. You know, "oh, it's the wedding. Oh, it's the honeymoon. Oh, we're recording this for the baby. Now there's weird stuff happening, well, I'm gonna keep recording just in case something weird happens to you while I'm at work. Oh, now I know there's weird stuff happening, so I'm gonna keep recording to see what I can find out. Oh, now there's people, like, attacking our house; I'll put in a security system that records everything." It's like you're running out of reasons why you have a camera in your hand for over nine months.

Sarah: Look, I just bought this GoPro; I wanna get some use out of it.

Brian: It's not even a GoPro, it's like...he's just carrying around a standard, pretty decent camcorder. But yeah, that's the thing, too. Most found-footage movies take place over a couple days. No, this one takes place over a full-term pregnancy. Nine months.

#8
Sarah: #8.

Brian: #8.

Sarah: Sex Tape. Were you at Sex Tape with me?

Brian: I was. It was on my list, but I didn't pick it.

Dave: If that had been a found-footage movie.

Brian: [looking at the list on his phone] Oh, wait, no, I did pick it.

Sarah: Yeah!

Brian: It's actually my #8!

Dave: Go for it, fellas!

Brian and Sarah high-five

Sarah: Okay, so for Sex Tape, I have written, "not as bad as expected, rich white people problems."

Brian: "Comma, hey look, everybody! Apple products!"

Sarah: Oh, no, our Apple products are too good, and that has caused problems of their own.

Brian: Seriously, that was a fucking commercial.

Sarah: Uh-huh. It was basically like, oh, no...

Brian: There's product placement, but...

Sarah: iPads are so inexpensive and easy to use that when I buy a new one, I just give my old ones away to my friends and family, and have them interconnected, so I can give them music easily and conveniently.

Brian: It's, like, wow, what a great idea! What's that, you can do remote things on your iPhone to your iPad?

Sarah: It's so easy, I just did it accidentally.

Brian: Man, like, you should totally show us how and demonstrate it a few times over the course of this movie.

Sarah: It's lower down on my list than it would've been, but I think, at the time, I was just so grateful that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, 'cause it could've been a lot more embarrassing than it was. But, like, in retrospect, it had some pretty fucking embarrassing parts, like when he fell off the balcony because he thought his child was gonna play the sex tape on a monitor in front of the entire school in an auditorium. That was awful.

Brian: Like, his nemesis in the whole movie is...

Sarah: ...an eight-year-old boy. The son of one of his friends, no less. Wasn't that friend in on it, too? Like, he knew that there was a sex tape? I bet at that point, you could say, "hey, your kid has caught on to the sex tape thing and is trying to blackmail me. You should probably have words with him."

It was just a really stupid movie, it was not remotely enjoyable. #8., Sex Tape.

Brian: Yeah.

Dave: [sitting back] Yeah, that was bad, wasn't it, guys?