Maximum Overdrive

The transcript is incomplete.

(An opening similar to that of Halloween plays. We follow the POV of a killer inside NC's house as he puts on a mask and confronts him.)

NC: What? What the hell are you doing in my house? Get outta here! Get- No, no, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! (NC screams as the killer begins repeatedly stabbing him.) Why are you looking at your hand while stabbing me? (More screams as the killer drops the knife.)

JonTron: (Laughs to himself) That's for reviewing Foodfight.

(The Nostalgia-Ween title knocks him to the ground. Cut to NC in the kitchen.)

NC: Aah. Nothing like bringing in the holidays than by justifying the gym membership in January I'll never use. Aah. A pumpkin hot dog on a pumpkin bun with pumpkin ketchup. Hee hee hee hee! (stops) Though...would it be prudent to possibly dip it in some pumpkin whipped cream? Has such a feat ever been done before?

(A flash of Pencilhead, a figure played by Malcolm who looks like Pinhead, the demon from Hellraiser, appears in front of the Critic as suspenseful music is played and thunder is heard.)

NC: (To himself) What the hell was that?

(The Critic's phone starts going off. The ringtone is Pennywise's laugh.)

NC: Oh shit! I'm late for the Stephen King review!

(Pencilhead appears again, and NC is annoyed.)

NC: (Annoyed) Could I get any heavier foreshadowing? I mean, look at this. The four is left right in the shadows. If we do this to all our props, they're gonna fade. (He sits down in the command chair while patting the four.) We'll just put you in a sketch later. (Kisses four) (softly) You're my favorite prop. (normal) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Well, it's the month of Halloween, and you all know what that means: It's time to celebrate the great writer by focusing on his worst work. It's Stephen King Time!

(The sound of children cheering is heard and a kids' show style theme plays as a black-and-white cutout of Stephen King in front of a colorful, cheerful background appears. The words "STEPHEN KING TIME!" appear on the screen.)

NC (v/o): There's no doubt that Stephen King is spectacular when he's good, but for some strange reason, he's even more spectacular when he's bad. At least, when it comes to his film adaptations. For years, I've been mocking his TV miniseries, but the time has come to finally journey to the next level of laughable Hell: his motion pictures.

NC: And what better way to start off than the film he had 100% control of: Maximum Overdrive!

(The film's title comes up.)

NC (v/o): This is the only Stephen King story that Stephen King himself directed. Hell, he glorifies the fact that he directed it. Just look at the trailer!

Stephen King (from trailer): I finally decided if you want something done right, you oughtta do it yourself. I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.

NC (v/o): That's right! There's no arguing someone interpreted it wrong. No claiming that filmmakers just don't understand Stephen King. No saying that Stephen King's work should be transferred to the cinematic world. or that Stephen King himself wouldn't like it. This time around, there's no excuse. This is the only time we'll ever see Stephen King on Stephen King. That is, until Tumblr was born.

(We then see a picture of Stephen King glomping Stephen King? Wow. weird.)

NC: So sit back, my Hallo-weenies, and let's see Stephen King "done right".

Stephen King (from trailer): I'm gonna scare the Hell outta you!

NC: This is Maximum Overdrive!

NC (v/o): Of course, it's only fitting that an author starts off this visual medium with a butt-ton of reading. Let's see... comet... tail... eight days... Does it give me a reason why the Earth is emitting a broccoli fart at the same time? And, fittingly again, King starts off his adaptation by doing what most Stephen King adaptations do: saying "FUCK YOU" to the audience! Wow, he just cuts to the chase, doesn't he? Even King himself gets his customary cameo out of the way.

ATM Man (Stephen King): Honey! (lifts glasses) This machine just called me an asshole!

NC (as ATM Man): Obviously, it watched Under the Dome!

NC (v/o): As the credits roll, we see all sorts of chaos go on as tons of machines come to life and cause gigantic destruction after gigantic destruction. The only thing that could possible be more awesome than that? The greatest credit ever put on any film anywhere.

(Music by AC/DC)

NC: My god, I have no idea what they have to do with Stephen King, but I am 100% behind that credit! It almost makes up for this one! (Emilio Estevez's credit comes up) Though, if somewhere in this movie, AC/DC decides to coach a hockey team, I wouldn't be against it.

NC (v/o): We then see a gas station where, by far, the strangest fucking toy truck you've ever seen in your life pulls in.

Truck Driver: Heh. You like that, huh?

NC (as Mechanic): Well, if the point of your toy company was to scare the apple juice piss out of your clientele, then yeah, I'd say you got a winner! Though, to be fair, it is scarier than anything in the Sam Raimi movies.

NC (v/o): While filling up on his... nine dollars for fifteen gallons of gas? Fuck you, 1987! One of the truck stop attendants, played by Emilio Estevez, talks to his boss, played by Pat Hingle.

William "Billy" Robinson (Emilio Estevez): Now you want me to work nine hours a day...and only clock in for eight?

Bubba Hendershot (Pat Hingle): You know what that star means, don’t you? On parole, boy! Either your ass belongs to me or belongs to the state of North Carolina.

NC (v/o): Really? A gold star means you're on parole? What do convicted pedophiles get? A Dora the Explorer sticker?

Bubba: Thank you, Bubba. (laughs) Oh, shit! (laughs some more)

NC (as Bubba): I just realized I'm in a Stephen King film, so I can act however I want, and it'll fly! (hysterical laughter)

NC (v/o): But within the truck stop, a young Debra Wilson in drag notices the machines are acting up.

(The arcade game Star Castle is displaying a series of uncanny shapes and colors on its screen, drawing the video game patron towards it.)

NC (v/o): Ah, the 80's. When wearing a Twinkie in your hat would raise no questions whatsoever. Apart from "Why the fuck do you have a Twinkie in your hat?"

(The patron puts his hand on the video game, and gets shocked to death.)

NC (v/o): Sure enough, other machines start acting up, too. An electric knife cuts someone, vending machines spill all over the place, and yes, there is even death by soda.

(The vending machine starts spitting out soda cans at the coach and the players. The coach has been hit in the skull hard, and his temple is bleeding severely.)

NC (as Coach): At least I'm leaving behind a hilarious obituary.

Deke Keller (Holter Graham): Oh, shit! (He puts on a baseball mask to shield his face from the flying cans.)

NC (v/o): A little boy tries to get away from Stephen King's second killer cola machine he's ever written. Seriously, was it something the first time had to be repeated? As we see another boy get run over by a steamroller.

(The steamroller runs over the boy.)

NC (v/o): Now there is a controversial cut here where it said in the original, the boy's head actually explodes, but it was too much for an R rating.

NC: In honor of our sick obsession with violence, we should probably question more -- fuck it. I'm gonna show you the one frame that made it into the film.

(Footage of the steamroller running over the boy plays as a green arrow points to head guts coming out.)

NC: Woo-hoo-hoo! I think i can see his eyeballs shoot through his brain! (He lifts a book entitled "Emma" to his face before shoving it back down again.) Let me have this.

NC (v/o): We then see a hitchhiker (Brett Brooks) played by the dollar store version of Molly Ringwald (Laura Harrington) pull into the truck stop as the radio says everyone should get off the road. Why? Judging by this couple, it's because Haley Joel Osment is inbreeding. That's the only way you can explain why he somehow became two people.

Connie (Yeardley Smith): Curtis? Is he dead?

NC (v/o): That's Yeardley Smith, by the way. The voice of Lisa Simpson. And if you think her character on that show can be annoying, take a listen to some of this.

(A montage of Connie's "annoying" lines in the film follows.)

NC: You know, suddenly the idea of slitting my throat with her spiky hair doesn't sound that bad.

Stephen King (from trailer): I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.

NC (v/o): They end up driving towards the truck stop where our heroes are at, who are checking to see if the trucks themselves have apparently come alive. Be careful! That jack-in-the-box they forgot to crop out might ruin the scare. Up, no. It would've been ruined even without it.

Brett: So, anybody in there?

Billy: Nope, not now.

NC (v/o): So, the truck has to adjust its rear view mirror in order to see them? Umm... I wouldn't mind so much the idea that trucks have eyes that are somehow in the driver's seat area, but... do you have to do it on the only truck in the goddamn movie that literally has eyes? Isn't that kind of throwing the truck anatomy off a bit?

NC (v/o): But the little boy version of Kim Griest rides around the neighborhood, realizing that technology has officially come alive and is killing people. Even a toy car somehow apparently killed a dog. Ew, explain that one.

Camp Loman (Christopher Murney): Let me tell you right now...

NC (v/o): (cough) Wow, that ended abruptly. It's almost like Stephen King looked this scene over and said...

NC (as Stephen King): O-kay, an ice cream truck and a lawnmower are the villains in this scene and... eh, this is stupid.

Camp Loman: Let me tell you right now, boy and girl...

NC (v/o): But I guess that can't be as silly as Christine and friends starting to run over people at the truck stop.

(Duncan Keller is run over by one of the trucks.)

NC (v/o): You know, it's one thing if machines just, out of the blue, came to life, but how the hell is something as random as a comet supposed to give a soul to modern-day appliances?

NC: It's like if I dipped that pumpkin hot dog in that pumpkin whipped cream, something bad would happen! ...Which is suddenly right next to me...Which is probably cold right now, so I'll eat it another day. (Looks over again, as a gloved hand pushes the hot dog closer.) Or, maybe I'll eat it later today. (The glove starts patting the table.) After the review? (The glove motions for him to continue.) While talking about the cinematic version of Stephen King playing with his Hot Wheels! (The gloves applaud.)

NC: (Grabs the hot dog and begins dipping it.) Hey, thanks, disembodied hand to which your origin I know not! (A sudden explosion blows him out of his seat.) What the hell?

(Pencilhead appears in a flash of light.)

Pencilhead: You have summoned us, Critic! Behold, we are the Trope-raisers.

NC: By God, I've heard of you! You come from a world where aggravating pain and Stephen King clichés are one and the same!

Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books, as you will learn to love them, Critic.

NC: But I don't wanna love his tropes! I wanna make fun of them!

Pencilhead: But you must! Behold Stephen King trope #127: the religious nut!

Camp Loman: The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want!

Camp Loman: This beautiful truth way bible can be yours for just $9.95!

NC: Oh geez, and I'll bet he runs into all the redneck characters, right?

Pencilhead: How did you know about trope #2647?

NC: Because that's all his characters! You're either a country bumpkin or a bloodsucking Christian!

Pencilhead: Well surely you don't know trope #36498...

NC: The religious nut dies?

Pencilhead: Yes, that's the one.

(The toy truck backs into Camp Loman, knocking him into a ditch.)

NC: Well of course he does! It happens in all his movies!

Pencilhead: But are you aware of trope #385?

NC: The obvious symbolism of hypocritical faith?

Pencilhead: Maybe.

NC: Yes.

Pencilhead: Yes.

(The toy truck runs over Camp's bible.)

NC (v/o): So, like I said before, the religious nut is run over by the toy truck, which, despite being an over-the-top drawing of a clown, it still somehow gets a more subtle performance than Tim Curry.

NC (Tim Curry voice): You'll float! You'll all float!

NC (v/o): Everyone tries to figure out what to do -- while, I think, this guy went into a coma on screen -- as the trucks actually start to circle the gas station.

NC (v/o): Nothing more frightening than delivery trucks playing "Ring Around the Pussies".

NC (as trucks): Here we go 'round the idiot stop. It's loaded with fops, whose IQ's have dropped. I think you'll need some peppermint Schnapps, to get through this damn movie.

NC (v/o): Meanwhile, our newly-deads aren't having much luck, as they're being chased by other evil Herbies.

NC (v/o): (chuckle) A drunk Frodo dabbles in vehicular manslaughter.

Connie: Why is this happening?

NC (v/o): ZUUL, MOTHATRUCKA, ZUUL!

Curtis (John Short): Hang on!

NC (as Curtis): Yeah, hang on while I veer comfortably to the right. That'll lose 'em.

NC (v/o): Huh. I guess that comment made them extra sensitive to blow up over grassy hills.

Curtis: you know, we should call the police from that truck stop up there.

NC: Well, it is a truck stop, and we need to stop trucks.

(An off-screen audience boos.)

NC: You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!

NC (v/o): Unfortunately, the sinister six-wheelers aren't letting up, so our heroes go out to help Squint and Squintier get inside.

NC (v/o): Even the rest of the people seem to be pretty relaxed while these trucks do nothing but keep circling the wagon. Are these things even supposed to be scary? Is turning the sky green somehow supposed to make them more threatening? It's like watching Gozer's less talented sister!

NC (Gozer voice): Oh, Gozer the Gozerian's drunken sibling, ain't going anywhere until she gets a bottle of Wild Turkey. Wild Turkey, bitches! I need it! My sister's dead, killed by some 80's comedians! I... I... Oh, God, I need some Ibuprofen!

Wanda June (Ellen McElduff): We... made... them. We... made... them.

Camp Loman: You pull me out of this ditch, or by Jesus I'll kill you!

NC (v/o): Do all dying Christians sound like the bad guy from Howard the Duck?

Camp Loman: By Jesus, I'll kill you!

Dark Overlord: If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!

(A harp chord plays as the scene cuts to a photoshopped aerial view with a bunch of trucks arranged to spell out the word "FUEL".)

NC (Green Goblin voice): WE'LL MEET AGAIN, SPIDER-MAN!