The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014

Introduction
Todd plays Pitbull ft. Kesha's "Timber" on the piano.

'THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2014 A year-end retrospective'

Todd: In 2013...I'll admit, I got really negative. I was just so burnt out by how bad the year was for music that lot of people told me I started getting kinda hard to watch. There's only so much bile and anger people can take before it gets to you. I get it. So for 2014, I decided to make an effort to, you know, be more positive, have more fun, try not to be so bitter and depressing and crabby. For the most part, I think I succeeded.


 * Clip from review for "Turn Down for What"
 * Todd: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT! [Hits the piano with his groin, which he regrets immediately]

Todd: Yeah, see, we have fun, don't we? No, no, I did enjoy reviewing music this year more than I did the year before, and I'm glad and I think it was...more positive to watch, and I want some goddamn credit for that because 2014 was even worse!


 * Montage of clips of MAGIC! - "Rude", Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass", Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz - "Talk Dirty", DJ Snake and Lil Jon - "Turn Down for What", Sia - "Chandelier", Sam Smith - "Stay With Me", Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda", and Taylor Swift - "Blank Space"

Todd (VO): This was actually the worst year in...well, pretty much everything, but especially pop music, that I think I can even remember. Not only was the bad stuff bad, but the good stuff wasn't as good. We'll deal with the good song shortage in the other list, but holy God, this year blew. I hated it. I hated this year from beginning to end. Yeah...

Todd: ...I know I'm really late this year. It's just...I had a lot of bad stuff to deal with, so let's just over with. Ladies and gentlemen...


 * Clip of Ariana Grande ft. Zedd - "Break Free", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
 * Ariana: This is the part when I say I don't want ya

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014!


 * Ariana: ...I break free
 * 'Cause I can't resist it no more

#10
Todd (VO): #10.


 * Clip from The Voice
 * Chris Jamison: [finishing] I still get jealous


 * Carson Daly: Adam, what did you think?
 * Adam Levine: Dude, listen. Yeah, you're cute, all right?

Todd (VO): No, no, stop, I don't care what you have to say to that guy. Maybe he's...

Todd: ...the worst singer alive, I don't know. But at least he doesn't sound like a cyborg robot goose.


 * Clip of "Maps"

Todd (VO): Maroon 5 may not be the worst thing in music, but they are the most pointless.

Todd: All of Maroon 5's songs in the past four years remind me of...like, [pictures of...] a table or a towel rod, a blender, just some kind of functional product there...

Todd (VO): ...to serve a basic need; in this case, to fill time on the radio. [Clip from American Psycho] If Patrick Bateman existed in 2014, Maroon 5 would be exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road, soulless garbage he'd listen to. So I guess it's sort of fitting that...

Todd: ...Maroon 5 has finally released a song that may as well be from Patrick Bateman's point of view.

#10. Maroon 5 - "Animals"
 * Adam: Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
 * Hunt you down, eat you alive
 * Just like animals

Todd (VO): It's nice to know that even when making a song about killing and devouring someone, Maroon 5 remain as bland and lifeless as ever. From what I can tell, Maroon 5 are making the effort to start sounding like an actual band again, which is nice, but it still doesn't make them any less dull.

Todd: But it's nice to know that even the dullest band can, on occasion, be goddamn hilarious.


 * Adam: Hunt you down eat you alive

Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals

Todd: "Animals-mals"?


 * Clip from All That
 * Repairman (Kel Mitchell): I'm Repairman-man-man-man!

Todd: Or...

Todd (VO): ...let us not neglect the video, which casts Adam goddamn Levine as, no joke, sexy Leatherface.


 * Adam: I love your lies, I'll eat 'em up

Todd (VO): So, if I understand the idea behind "Animals-mals" correctly, Adam Levine is this monster or murderer or stalker or someone who's gonna hunt you down and kill you in a sexy way.

Todd: I, personally, find that more creepy than anything, but [clip from the first...] as five mega-successful Twilight movies have proved, there is a [picture of women with sign reading, "Twilight Moms"] large demographic who does find that kind of thing hot.

Todd: And various entertainment news outlets keep trying to tell me that [cover of People Magazine giving the "Sexiest Man Alive" title to...] Adam Levine is someone people find attractive too. If you say so, I guess.

Todd (VO): Look, I am not qualified to explain what, if anything, makes Adam Levine attractive, but I'm pretty sure it's not his dangerous, bad-boy appeal.

Todd: Yeah, you'd better watch out, little girl. Better watch yourself because I'm preying on you tonight!

Todd (VO): Adam Levine is a preening, pretty-boy douchebag. He's not a Phantom of the Opera type. He's not gonna hunt you down and kill you, he's the douchey asshole who gets killed.


 * Clips from American Horror Story: Asylum
 * Leo Morrison (Adam Levine): Help me.
 * [Bloody Face stabs him repeatedly as his wife watches in horror]

Todd (VO): See? There you go.

Todd: That's just perfect casting.

Todd (VO): I could watch that over and over again. Sure makes more sense than having him be


 * Adam: AH-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!
 * Baby I'm...

Todd: Oh my God.

Todd (VO): Did that just happen? That was amazing. Wow. Wow. God bless you, Maroon 5. Most of the songs on this list just piss me off, but "Animals-mals" is the funniest piece of hilari-garbage of the year.

Todd: Hunt you down, eat you alive!


 * Adam: Yeah, yeah, yeah

Interlude

#9
Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: Now, I'm gonna assume that since you're watching my show, you are a connoisseur of modern pop music-based Internet comedy videos, so you may have seen this little gem floating around YouTube.


 * Video of the 1988 National Aerobic Championship Opening with "Shake It Off" dubbed over
 * Taylor: I stay out too late
 * Got nothing in my brain
 * That's what people say
 * Mm-mmm

Todd (VO): Yeah, that's pretty funny, right?

Todd: And it's also the video that put Taylor Swift on this list.

#9. Taylor Swift - "Shake It Off"
 * Taylor: 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
 * And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
 * Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
 * I shake it off, I shake it off

Todd (VO): See, I didn't actually want to put "Shake It Off" on the list because, you know what, at least it's upbeat. I had a lot of problems with ''[clips of, respectively by MAGIC! and Meghan Trainor...]'' "Rude" and "All About That Bass", but they're not on this list because...

Todd: ...at least they're happy. Whereas the rest of 2014 felt like this...


 * Clip of Tove Lo - "Habits (Stay High)"

Todd (VO): ...dull, low, humming drone from artists like Tove Lo, Jeremih...gotta be brutally honest here, Lorde. [Clip of "Blank Space"] Or even Taylor's own much-better followup, "Blank Space".

So, you know, this happy self-affirmation, that should be enough to keep it off the list, right?

Todd: But no.


 * Clip of aerobic video

Todd (VO): This video is right. "Shake It Off" does sound like the soundtrack to a jazzercise video. Well, I don't feel like jazzercising, and it's like Taylor Swift's right there in my ear, telling me to jump and kick and work those abs and goddammit all, shut up! Stop!

I mean, how better to describe all the obnoxious, forced cheer of this song. I could make a Top 10 list out of the worst moments in this song, from "hey, hey, hey" to "this sick beat" to "hella good hair"...

Todd: ...to "my ex...man" to... "My ex-man"?! No one says that! No one should ever say that!

Todd (VO): You know what actually would top that list of worst moments?


 * Taylor: I go on too many dates [chuckles]

Todd: There. That little forced laugh.

Todd (VO): Tee-hee-hee, oh, those silly people who think I go on too many dates. I find that...

Todd: ...so silly and insignificant that I get a carefree laugh about it in this song I wrote about it and recorded and released to the public. I totally don't care, guys.

Todd (VO): And as I've said repeatedly, Taylor Swift has conquered the world, so there's no getting away from her. "Shake It Off" is still in the Top 10 right now.

Todd: If you want a vision of the future, imagine a human face being stamped on...

Todd (VO): ...by this...sick...beat...

Todd: ...forever.


 * Taylor: Shake it off

Interlude

#8
Todd (VO): #8.


 * Clip of Mike Will Made It ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J - "23"
 * Miley: I'm in the club
 * High on purp with some shades on

Todd (VO): It's fair to say that Miley Cyrus has...

Todd: ...evolved over the course of her career.


 * Clip of "Party in the USA"

Todd (VO): I don't know what the future holds for her, but even if she stopped making music today, she leaves an impressively diverse legacy of music through multiple genres over the course of almost a decade. [Clip of "Jolene"] And we can debate the most significant parts of that legacy all we want, but I don't think she's gotten enough credit for the fact that, just about six years ago, she pretty much decided the future...

Todd: ...of an entire genre of music.


 * Clip from Hannah Montana: The Movie
 * Miley: If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna add a little hip hop to this hoedown.

Todd (VO): Thanks, Miley. I blame the...

Todd: ...godawful mess that is the current state of country music entirely on you.

#8. Florida Georgia Line ft. Luke Bryan - "This Is How We Roll"
 * FL GA Line: This is how we roll

Todd (VO): Yeah, country music has been going downhill for years now, but it feels like in 2014, the quality level just plummeted at light-speed.

Todd: There were many worse artists


 * Clip of live performance dubbed oveer with Jerrod Niemann - "Donkey"
 * Jerrod: Gonna ride that donkey, donkey
 * Down to the honky tonky
 * It's gonna get funky, funky
 * [Brays]

Todd: But...

Todd (VO): Florida Georgia Line was the only one popular enough in the mainstream to hold that mantle for country music's painful decline. Now, most people would disagree that bro-country is Miley's fault, seeing as it's so overwhelmingly male.

Todd: I mean, it's got the word "bro" right in the title.

Todd (VO): But the part of bro-country that clumsily co-opts hip hop slang? Yeah, that's always reminded me more of the spoiled rich girls of pop like Miley or Kesha.

Todd: I mean, listen to this.


 * FL GA Line: We light it up with our hands up
 * This is how we roll
 * This is how we do

Todd: De-do-de-do


 * Clip of Katy Perry - "This Is How We Do"
 * Katy: This is how we do
 * This is how we do

Todd (VO): And yes, most people will tell you bro-country is bad because it's so samey and repetitive and it's always about drunken meatheads hitting on girls in as doofy a way as possible, and that's certainly true.

Todd: But can we talk about just how blatantly embarrassed bro-country is at having to even be country music?


 * Tyler: Yeah, baby, this is how we roll
 * We rollin' into town
 * With nothing else to do, we take another lap around
 * Yeah, holler at your boy

Todd (VO): I used to be bothered by how conservative and shut off from modern trends Nashville was back in the day, but this new stuff isn't a fusion of different genres, it's just plain country music wishing it was something else.


 * Tyler: The mixtape's got a little Hank, little Drake

Todd (VO): Uh, that's nice that you listen to Drake, guys.

Todd: Drake isn't listening back.

Todd (VO): So keep writing your fan mail to him, he's not gonna invite you onto one of his singles. You can get Nelly because Nelly hasn't had a hit in years, but the actual superstars you want to rub elbows with? Hell, no. Not happening. Not whn you guys rap like this.


 * Tyler: How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat, oh

Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw
 * [Todd just groans]
 * This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though


 * Clip of Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby"
 * Vanilla Ice: Yo, man, let's get outta here
 * Word to your mother

Todd (VO): While this was the most popular, if you really started listening to country radio, it's just getting even worse. I mean, look at it...[clips of...] making straight-up R&B songs, [...Jerrod Niemann - "Drink to That All Night" featuring...] collaborating with Pitbull, [...and "Donkey"] this atrocity. Stupid trends like hair metal and boy bands, they look stupid in hindsight, but this shit is lame right now. It's bad country, and it's bad rap. Florida, Georgia, thank you for demonstrating how you roll.

Todd: It sucks. Now please roll it back.

Interlude

#7
Todd (VO): #7.

Todd: So...I'm pretty active on Twitter, [Twitter logo: follow me at @ShadowTodd!] mostly so I can see what people are talking about most of the time, but Twitter has its own weird quirks because it skews so young, and one of the most puzzling things about it was this year-long series [Twitter search of #5sos] of trending hashtags I saw. [circled: #5sosAwkwardTurtle, #5sosMoonFace, #5sosDolphinBodies] What is this? 5 s o s? 5sos? 5 so's? What does that mean? What does it stand for? [Song begins in background] I made it through most of the year without finding out what that's supposed to be. And once I did, boy, oh boy, did I wish I hadn't.

#7. 5 Seconds of Summer - "She Looks So Perfect"
 * 5 Seconds of Summer: Hey, hey

Todd (VO): Funny thing: as far as the boy bands go, I actually don't think 5 Seconds of Summer are that bad. I really don't. If I had to pick between one pack of pretty-boys that play instruments, I'll take a new 5 Seconds of Summer song over Maroon 5 any day of the week. Even this song in particular; it's got more going for it than a lot of songs. Listen to that stomping, glam-rock, "whoa whoa" right there. As far as Fall Out Boy wannabes go, this is not actually that bad, right? So why is it on here?

Todd: Why did 5 Seconds of Summer make it on the list? Why, oh why?


 * Luke Hemmings: But don't move, honey
 * 5 Seconds of Summer: You look so perfect standing there
 * In my American Apparel underwear

Todd: [record scratch] I'm sorry, I believe I just heard a lyric so bad, it made my digital Internet video make a record-scratch noise somehow. Can I hear that again?


 * 5 Seconds of Summer: You look so perfect standing there
 * In my American Apparel underwear
 * And I know now

Todd (VO): I don't know if American Apparel paid 5 Seconds of Summer to write an ad for them, but writing an ad is definitely what they just did. There is no other way to read that line. There is no straight guy in the world...

Todd: ...no, no. No guy in the world, no human being in the world...who would

Todd (VO): ...who would look at their lover and feel the need to point out...

Todd: ...the brand of their own undies.

Todd (VO): No one would even use the word "underwear." [Picture of kids' underwear] Underwear is what you buy for little kids. It's not a sexy word. That one line earned the song a spot on the list. It's potentially the worst lyric I've ever covered on this show, not that the rest of the chorus makes it any better.


 * 5 Seconds of Summer: And I know now, that I'm so down

Todd: "I'm so down." Another thing people don't say when they're in love.


 * 5 Seconds of Summer: Your lipstick stain is a work of art
 * I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart

Todd (VO): Okay, those lines are something someone might say, if, you know, they're a kid with no talent at writing lyrics. But at least it's a more amateur level of horror-bad than the soulless advertisement-bad of the rest of the song. Combined, it makes the worst chorus I've ever heard. It's the worst attempt at a pop-punk love song I've ever heard since...

Todd: ...geez, Simple Plan.


 * Clip of Simple Plan - "Addicted"
 * Pierre Bouvier: I'm addic-
 * I'm addicted to you

Todd: Boy, oh boy, didn't everyone want a new Simple Plan. [Finger gag in mouth]


 * 5 Seconds of Summer: And I know now, that I'm so down

Interlude

#6
Todd (VO): #6.


 * Video for Chris Brown ft. Usher and Rick Ross - "New Flame"
 * Chris: There can be one only you, girl

Todd (VO): Oh, Chris Brown. I...can't really work up the hate-on for this kid I used to be able to.

Todd: The passion's gone. I mean, what did he do controversial this year? Anything? No. He did nothing except [clip of Chris in court] assault a random person and spend five months in jail. By Chris Brown standards, that's nothing.

Todd (VO): But the upside is, now that time has dulled my outrage about what a terrible person he is, now we can focus on what a terrible artist he is. As a pop star, he's still completely lacking in charisma, and vocally, he's still well below par. He released a song that had a guest verse from Usher this year, and holy God, was sharing a stage with Usher a mistake. Chris Brown was so outclassed, it was... [pictures of "Mona Lisa"...] it was hanging a Da Vinci next to that Jesus monkey portrait that old lady painted.

Todd: Chris Brown's skills are so lacking, it reminds me of...something. But I don't know what it is.

#6. Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown - "Show Me"
 * Chris: Baby...

Todd (VO): Technically, this is not a song by Chris Brown, but from the rapper on the track—a guy named Kid Ink, which sounds like the name [picture of...] of a line of glitter pens. But he's such a non-presence that really, Chris Brown kind of dominates it. "Dominated by Chris Brown" is, of course, an unfortunate way to have to describe anything.

The song really doesn't belong to Chris either. "Show Me" is really a showcase for one of 2014's breakout talentless—[picture of...] DJ Mustard. Yeah, it's a silly name. I assume he calls himself that because his music is about as enjoyable as a faceful [picture of old soldier in a gas mask] of mustard gas. If you heard a terrible R&B song this year, it was probably him.


 * Clips of Trey Songz - "Na Na"
 * Trey: Oh na na, look what you...

Todd (VO): That's him.


 * ...and Jeremih ft. YG - "Don't Tell 'Em"
 * Jeremih: Don't tell 'em
 * Don't tell 'em

Todd (VO): That's also him.

And worst of all, this song is him. His thing is dark, minimalist beats that are completely and totally no fun at all, but still somehow get unfixably lodged in your head.

Todd: But the worst part of "Show Me" isn't the beat, it's the chorus.


 * Chris: Baby let me put your panties to the side
 * I'mma make you feel alright

Todd (VO): Oh Chris, I love it when you talk dirty. No, that's not the bad part. Here you go.


 * Chris: Mami you remind me of something
 * But I don't know what it is
 * Cause you remind me of something
 * Girl, you gotta show me

Todd: What the hell kind of pickup line was that?!


 * Clip of R. Kelly - "You Remind Me of Something"
 * R. Kelly: You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it

Todd (VO): Like, when R. Kelly did this, it was sleazy, but at least there was a punchline.


 * Chris: You remind me of something
 * You gotta show me

Todd (VO): Did they just forget to write the other half of it? Is your...is the girl supposed to find that charming?

Todd: Hey, uh...I lost my phone number. [Pause, with crickets chirping] Let's have sex.

Todd (VO): What does she remind you of? Your grandma? Filing taxes? A trip to the dentist?

Todd: What?


 * Chris: You remind me of something
 * You gotta show me

Todd (VO): Fortunately, you don't have to show me anything because I already know what this reminds me of.

Todd: Shit. Next!


 * Chris: You gotta show me

TO BE CONTINUED...

#5
Interlude

Todd (VO): #5.


 * Clip of Iggy Azalea performing "Beg for It" at the American Music Awards
 * MØ: I know you like the way I turn it on
 * I'm out here with my friends
 * Iggy: I'mma make you beg
 * I'mma make you beg for it

Todd: To stop.


 * Clip of "Fancy"
 * Iggy: First things first, I'm the realest

Todd (VO): Iggy Azalea's white-girl-pretending-to-be-black-male shtick was one of the most [Screenshots of The Daily Beast article: "The Cultural Crimes of Iggy Azalea" and Salon article: "Iggy Azalea's post-racial mess: America's oldest race tale, remixed"] controversial things in music this year. I think it's kind of a complex issue, but...

Todd: ...fortunately, the argument is made much less complicated by the fact that Iggy Azalea just plain sucks.


 * Clip of T.I. ft. Iggy Azalea - "No Mediocre"

Todd (VO): Is this offensive? Disrespectful? Cultural appropriation? I don't know.

Todd: Who cares? It sucks.

Todd (VO): Why even argue about it? It's nails on a chalkboard either way.

Todd: In a better year, I would have room for multiple Iggy Azalea songs, but because 2014 was so bad, I've only got space for the one. Enjoy.

#5. Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora - "Black Widow"
 * Rita: I'm gonna love ya until ya hate me

Todd: Well, I do hate you, so you can stop now.

Rita: I'm gonna love ya I'm gonna love ya

I'm gonna love ya

I'm gonna love ya

Like a black widow baby