44

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 44 (12/11/09)

(That Guy looks up from his book, wearing a Santa hat)

That Guy: Oh! Saluton! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

(Music plays as title card comes up)

That Guy: Continuing this edition of "Ask That Guy With The Glasses," I'm answering all questions related to December holidays. So, let us start with our first ques---

Bennett the Sage: (walks in) Holy shit! This is a nice house, man.

That Guy: (looks confused) ...Why, Sage! I thought I killed you.

Sage: Eh, I got better.

That Guy: ...How did you get in here?

Sage: Broke in! By the way, you need a new window.

That Guy: (nods, then pauses) ...Well, um, seeing how you're here, would you like to answer some of the questions?

Sage: I think I got a few answers.

That Guy: Now, I have to warn you. Some of the answers on here can be a little...shocking and risque. Are you sure you're up to it?

Sage: ... (nods) I think I can handle it.

That Guy: Alright then! Let's start with our first question.

Narrator: Why is it that on Christmas we put trees in the living room? Aren't trees for outside?

(Cut to That Guy with Sage standing slightly behind him)

That Guy: (nods) Yes they are. And you know what else is good for outside? Illegal immigrants. Now, I know what you're thinking: "You're a horrible person." ...Yes. And I know what else you're thinking: "What does that have to do with Christmas trees?" Well, while you keep the trees outside, you could always use the illegal immigrants to trim them and keep them nice. Unlike them. Because they're filthy, godless mud people, and that's all they'll ever be. (looks at Sage) So, are you handling this okay?

Sage: (nods) Yeah, I'm pretty good.

That Guy: That... That didn't disturb you at all?

Sage: (shakes head) No.

That Guy: ...Well then, why don't you answer the next question?

Sage: I'll give it a shot.

That Guy: (looks slightly annoyed) Okay.

Narrator: Who would win in a fight, Santa Clause or Saint Nicholas?

Sage: You see, Santa Clause and Saint Nicholas are the same person. Now, I know what you're thinking: "How could they be the same person?" Multiple personality disorder. You see, Santa Clause is the jolly old elf that we all love and gives presents to all the little children. Saint Nicholas, on the other hand, is a complete asshole. Saint Nicholas loves to put glass in orphans' food. (That Guy looks at him, a bit disturbed) Oh yes. And every Halloween, when children come up to his door to trick-or-treat, he punches them in the face. (That Guy looks at him again) ...And sodomizes them. (Sage looks at him) It's like this. (Makes small hole with his fingers) It's like a bratwurst through a Cheerio. You don't wanna know what he does to the reindeer.

That Guy: (interjects) Let's move on to the next question! (Sage shrugs)

Narrator: Was Jesus Christ circumcised?

That Guy: Well, the answer to that is very obv--

Sage: (interrupts) No, he didn't have a penis.

That Guy: He didn't?

Sage: No! Of course not. Would God have a penis? He wouldn't have a vagina either. You know what he has? Something called a brenno. It's a type of genitalia that is neither penis nor vagina. (leans in) And if you ever get your penis inside of it, you can neither go to Heaven nor Hell. (That Guy looks into the camera, slightly scared.)

Narrator: If my mom had sex with a snowman, would the half human, half snowman baby melt in her womb before it could be born?

Sage: Actually, it would melt, but not for heat reasons. No, it melts for the wrath of God. You see, this half snowman baby hybrid is an abomination unto our Lord and it must be smitten. (That Guy's jaw drops) Now, I know what you're thinking: "Smitten? Isn't that an anagram of mittens?" Yes it is! (He grins creepily at That Guy) But back to abominations! Isn't that just like life? You can't talk for 10 minutes without talking about abominations. (That Guy nods nervously) Right? I said RIGHT!

That Guy: (meekly nods) Yes!

(Sage is now out in front and That Guy is cowering in the corner.)

Sage: Where was I again?

That Guy: Abomination...

Sage: (looks at him) Thank you. You've been good. Yes. (He pats That Guy's shoulder and cheek, then looks at the camera) ...Lost my train of thought.

Narrator: I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause under the mistletoe last night. How should I punish that filthy, cheating whore?

Sage: Well, you punished her already. By being born. But if you want another more...delicious method, I know several you can choose from. You can...hang her by wrists over a bottle of bleach, then force feed her gallons upon gallons of water until she has to piss. Now, the thing about hanging her over a bottle of bleach is that bleach has chlorine in it. And her piss has... What was it, arsenic? Or was it... (snaps finger) It wasn't arsenic, it was, uh...ammonia! There we go. Now, when the ammonia mixes with the chlorine, it produces a special kind of gas, known in World War 1 as mustard gas. So, while she's debating with herself whether or not she should let herself go and have a very, very painful death, her bladder will swell. And with the hours spent in this unbearable torture, she will know the nadir of your pain! PAIN!!! (Stares at camera; That Guy looking at him, a bit frightened.)

Narrator: Do you hear what I hear? Do you see what I see? Do you know what I know?

(Sage is now holding That Guy's pipe while That Guy rocks back and forth in the corner.)

Sage: Back in medieval times, they would place a cage of rats over the victim's stomach, then place a hot rock on top of the cage. In order for the rats to escape, they must burrow through the victim's stomach and out the anus. (shrugs) I'm sorry. This really doesn't answer your question, but, uh, that last question got me to thinking... (Puts pipe in mouth, then turns to That Guy) What the fuck are you lookin' at?! (That Guy shrieks and runs off.)

Narrator: How can Santa deliver his gifts to me when I don't have a chimney?

Sage: (Looks at That Guy, who's back in the corner) Do you wanna answer this question? (That Guy silently shakes head) You sure? (That Guy nods) Alright then. He harnesses the power of aborted babies.

That Guy: Oh GOD!

Sage: He apparently is already doing your mom, so what do you have to worry about a chimney? Let me tell you something. Once Santa Clause has his candy cane in your mother's stocking, the frosting has never been sweeter.

That Guy: Sweet Jesus...

Narrator: I'm afraid to ask this one...

Sage: ASK IT!

Narrator: Okay, okay! Why do Jewish people get eight presents on Hanukkah (shown as Chanukah)?

Sage: Because those filthy Jew bastards are ruining the economy. You see, the Jews planned 9/11. When 9/11 happened, they plundered the vault under the World Trade Center. And they grabbed all the gold in the vault with their little Jew hands. Just like in "Die Hard"! My favorite Christmas movie. (That Guy sneaks up behind him, intending to shoot him. Sage groin punches him, causing him to collapse. Sage keeps smiling) There is no escape.

Narrator: How do-- Oh god. (sighs) How do snowmen have sex?

That Guy: (Goes in front of screen, waving hands) You don't want to see this? (Sage pushes him off-screen) Click on something else!

Sage: Well, let me explain. (sets down pipe) You see, when a snowman loves a snow woman, or snow whore very, very much, he lays on top of her. Now, making the logical connection here, if a snowman has a carrot for a nose... That's right. A rutabaga! So what does the woman have for genitalia, you may ask? A piece of split-open coal. Because all women are black inside.

That Guy: (off-screen) Call 911!

Narrator: (scared) Wh-What happens if you eat yellow snow?

Sage: Now, I cannot tell you how many times I've been asked this question, and I'm here to set the record straight. It's just an old wives' tale that a fairy will come visit you and pay you in blow jobs. That doesn't happen. Believe me. What DOES happen is you feel sick inside, because you just ate piss. And then Saint Nicholas comes! On you! Let me demonstrate on That Guy! (walks off-camera)

That Guy: What? No! (He screams for a bit before going on-camera with Sage holding onto him...suggestively) There's not such thing as a stupid question until you ask it! (Screams some more as he's pulled away) Oh God, put that away! (Sage laughs) Eww...

The End.

(Credit card also notes: "Seriously though, Sage is SICK!")