A Simple Wish

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Oh, Mara Wilson.

NC (vo): Your place is welcomed among the child actors that kept picking shitty movies. Yeah, you were cute. You could act OK. (Baby talk) You had that pwecious little wisp that makes me want to grind my TEETH to shards.

Susan (from Miracle on 34th Street remake): ...unless I get arrest which is very unlikely. It's Christmas Eve and I'm going to bed uncharacteristically early.

(NC's teeth shatter)

NC (vo): And just in the middle of being the cute little button that America never wanted sewed on comes this charming little disaster simply known as A Simple Wish.

(Clips from the movie are shown)

NC (vo): Oh yeah! This is a nightmare of ADORABLE proportions! It's clunky. It's stupid. It's as awkwardly enchanting as magic show performed by Janet Reno. It's just one frickin' mess.

NC: I've heard of worse reasons to rip on child star actress, but I'm gonna do it anyway. This is A Simple Wish.

NC (vo): So you know this movie's in trouble when you see that one of the main sponsers is The Bubble Factory. You ever wonder if it's actually a legimate bubble factory? If so, you got to wonder how that meeting went.

NC (as a chairman in a meeting): All right, people. We already know that the Build-A-Bear Workshop has had great success financing Terminator 2 (Showing the poster of the movie with the BAB logo on the bottom), so I say we go into financing movies. Let's see, we got this, uh, Mara Wilson fairytale or a movie about the sinking of the Titanic. Boy, that's a downer. Let's go with the Mara Wilson fairytale!

NC (vo): Fucking Bubbles!

NC (chairman): AND WHO IS THAT GUY!?!

NC (vo): So we start "once upon a time three months ago"...- You know, do you really need the phrase "a time" when you have "the time" -...where we see the Fairy Godmother exams while the credits roll.

(Murray, played by Martin Short, is seen sharpening his pencil)

NC (vo): Hey, look, it's that guy who we know is funny but for some reason is constantly not funny.

(Murray sneezes on everyone)

NC (vo): Yes, Martin Short, for whatever reason, always decides to leave his talent at home whenever he goes on screen. I don't know if he needs better direction or a better agent, but needless to say, these scenes do seem to have a, how do I put this, uh, jenese-Drop Dead Fred to them.

(Murray starts goofing around causing the "Trying Too Hard Alert" alarm to go off. He then salutes the examiner before tripping over something)

NC (as Murray): I was on SCTV, really!

NC (vo): Cut to three months later ... so, present day. Could've saved three letters there ... where we see a horse-and-buggy ride driver named Oliver, off to pick up his kids.

(A cat suddenly spooks the horse)

NC (vo): Oh, wait, we have to have this painful slapstick moment. Oh, ah, I'll bet this leads to nothing. It doesn't. Stupid movie.

Another driver: Looking stressed, today.

Oliver: Just another day.

(Cut to Mara Wilson's character, Anabel, with her brother)

NC (vo): There's our walking JCPenney commercial. Yes, Mara Wilson plays a character named Anabel, and this tablescraps of the 90s is her brother named Charlie.

Charlie: Let's just face it. Dad's never gonna come. He left us here to rot.

NC: Oh, please. I've seen more badass 90s kids from Kazaam. Oh wait, he was in Kazaam. Allow me to judge this movie particularly harshly and unfairly for that.

NC (vo): They're excited because their father has an audition for a Broadway musical, which appears unlikely seeing as he looks and sounds like a sodomized recording of Dom Deluise.

(Cut to a few of Oliver's lines)

NC (as Oliver): I got to be half the cast in a Don Bluth movie in an hour.

NC (vo): But who knows, maybe he has some talent. (Oliver starts singing) Or a good dub-over artist. Really? That's him singing, huh! Yeah right, that's Cary Elwes singing in Quest for Camelot. Even Milli Vanilli would call bullshit on this one.

(Oliver finishes)

NC: And for my next audition, I'll sing Charlotte Church and Josh Grobin both at the same time. (Holds his mouth open as a duet between the two plays over him)

NC (vo): So he doesn't get the main role since it's already been promised to a big Broadway star, which leads to the Fairy Godmother Retreat via no segueway at all.

Hortence: Hard to believe another year has gone by.

Another Fairy: Why do we have to check our wands? Really, I feel naked without mine.

Hortence: Well, it's like in the Old West. All the cowboys have to check their guns before moseying into town especially in Dodge City. And that's why nobody got plugged.

NC (vo): Yes, it's like going to an NRA meeting and checking their rifles.

NC: I'm sure everybody's going to follow that and nothing bad will happen at all.

NC (vo): But one fairy godmother forgets to make it to the retreat. Guess which one that is.

Anabel: You don't look a whole lot like the one in Cinderella.

Murray: Oh, you... You mean the whole guy thing. Can I ask you something? What difference does it really make where the magic comes from?

NC: Indeed, as a middle class white American male, we HAVE been oppresed for too long.