The Simpsons Ride

(The episode begins with a memoriam:

"This episode is dedicated to Sam Simon (One of the co-developers of "The Simpsons," along with James L. Brooks and Matt Groening), 1955-2015."

We then cut to black and a quote:

'"Is it Ice Cream?"

-An old Springfield proverb-'

We then cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios Hollywood entrance sign.)

Jerk: To all who come to this reasonably content place, welcome, I'm Some Jerk With A Camera! (We cut to the entrance archway for the park with the "Some Jerk With A Camera" Logo in the same style as "The Simpsons.") Universal hates it self! No, really, Universal hates itself.

Jerk (v/o): Oh sure, they try to act confident. After all, they are 1 of only 2 Hollywood studios with the guts to get into the theme park business (Besides Disney) permanently (Paramount's Kings Island), domestically (WB Movie World in Australia and 20th Century Fox World in Malaysia), consenually (Disney-MGM Studios). But, beneath that veneer of confidence, Universal knows it is but a shell of itself; a fraud, a phony, a charlatan that can't handle the theme park business alone.

(Cut to Jerk, riding the Starway escalator to the Lower lot)

Jerk: Depression is a terrible disease like any other and if corporations were people, it stands to reason that they would develop the ailments of regular 'people' people. I mean, it's got all the symptoms; weight gain (We then cut to the under construction "Wizarding World of Harry Potter"), mood swings (We cut to split screen clips of "We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story!" and "Schindler's List" with "We're Back" given the caption "November 1993" and "Schindler's List" with "December 1993"), denial (Cut to a commercial for the park with a walk-around a character of Marylin Monroe), and abusive behavior towards loved ones (Cut to a poster for the film adaptation of "50 Shades Of Grey"). Not to mention, the only moves they've ever made about theme parks are disaster movies, where everything goes horribly wrong and hundreds of tourists get horribly killed!

(Examples shown are "Rollercoaster," "Jaws 3D," and "Jurassic World." We then cut to the "Universal" Logo.)

Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Universal: "Can you Identify this corpse?"

(We then cut to a clip from "The Simpsons," the family is taking a road trip.)

Bart and Lisa Simpson: Are we there yet?

Homer Simpson: No.

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: No.

(Cut back to Jerk.)

Jerk: How did this theme park develop such intense self-loathng? Well, I dare say, standing in the shadow of a rodent would make anyone feel small.

Jerk (v/o): Disneyland is the happiest place on our planet, Universal is that planet (The logo is the Earth), bit somehow, it's only the entertainment capital of a city it's not even technically in. (the marketing headline is, "The entertainment capital of LA," it's in Universal City, CA. which is still part of Los Angeles County.) Disney has always been "Little Mouse Perfect," hasn't it? It hooks the masses in their youth and follows them to their graves with parks that rely almost entirely on properties Disney owns or buys out eventually ("Star Wars"). Disney is the beautiful, pure, and perfect princess Molly Ringwald, while Universal...

(Cut to a clip from "The Breakfast Club.")

Universal/Allison Reynolds: I'm a nymphomaniac.

Jerk (v/o): ...gets in bed with any intellectual property that will have it (examples are "Men In Black," "Beetlejuice," "Harry Potter," "Terminator," "Transformers," and "Shrek"), including ones Disney buys out (Marvel). And lately, it's gotten so depressed, that it's decided to just stay in and play video games (Universal is going to do rides and attractions based off of Nintendo properties). And it slaps it's own logo on a park with all that stuff, as if to day, "Yeah, but they're really All Universal movies. They all take place on planet Earth, right? And that's us, so they're ours.

(Cut to another clip from "The Breakfast Club.")

Universal/Allison Reynolds: I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar.

(Cut back to the Simpsons on their road trip.)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: No.

(While Homer is changing a tire.)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: No!

(While driving at night)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: (After being woken by Marge Simpson) Huh? No!

Jerk: And, that's the root of this park's depression, it knows that objectively it doesn't really have a reason to exist. I mean, think about it, it's not that strong of a brand name. Kids don't watch the Universal Channel, The Nostalgia Critic doesn't do Universcember, and whenever Universal, somehow, does stumble upon a its own successful franchise that kids are rally into (He walks by a poster of a Minion from "Dispicable Me"), it has this annoying habit of SQUEEZING EVERY LAST DROP OF LIFE OUT OF THAT FRANCHISE, LIKE LENNY (from "Of Mice and Men") STROKING A PUPPY TOO HARD!!! (Cut to Jerk outside of the ride, Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem.) Oh, it's coming, someday when the 2010s are but a nostalgic memory and the kids of today pause for a moment from staring into the depressing abyss of adulthood, to finally remember those wacky "Despicable Me" movies they used to go see, (Points behind him) this will still be standing, confusing the hell out of their kids. Oh, you don't believe me? Tell you what, right now, go to "Universal Studios Florida" and ask all the kids playing at "Fievel's Playland" (a playground based off of "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West"), who the fuck Fievel is (A caption pops up, saying "Do not actually do that unless you enjoy prison"). But, I'm sure those of you who read this link before clicking on it are asking, "what does any of this have to do with 'The Simpsons?'"

(Cut back to the road trip.)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: NO!

(Cut to the family parked outside a rest stop. Bart and Lisa are outside a bathroom)

Bart and Lisa: (To Homer, in the bath room) Are we there yet?

Homer (v/o): (From in the bathroom) NO!

(Cut to them back in the car, stuck in traffic by the "Hollywood" sign.)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: NOOO!