Justice League of America (1997) Review (With Linkara)

(We start with Nash in his room)

Nash: What? Green Lantern bombed? How do you do that?! How do you screw up a concept as simple as Green Lantern? It's like screwing up digesting jello! Damn it, DC! No, no, it's all right. Justice League movie is coming, and there is no way you can ruin a concept as simple as the Justice League.

(Linkara now comes into the feed, sitting on his couch)

Linkara: You wanna bet?

Nash: (he looks around, then back to the camera) Did I leave my camera on?

Linkara: Ee-yep.

Nash: Um...how long?

Linkara: Don't worry sir, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again, sir!

Nash: Funny.

Linkara: Oh, you want me to tell them what you were really doing? Hey everybody, when no one's around, Nash likes to dress up as--!

Nash: (interrupting) Okay, okay. Did you have a reason for lurking, or were you going for your electronic creeper merit badge?

Linkara: What, you mean you really don't know?

Nash: Know what?

Linkara: About the original Justice League movie.

Nash: You're saying words, but all I hear is crazy.

Linkara: Seriously? Hey, I thought you'd know, having been in high school in the 90s and all. You know, 20 years ago. (Nash is silent) Way back. (Nash still silent) Before the internet. (still silent) Last century. (the two look at each other a bit) You're old.

Nash: I get it!

Linkara: Hey, I'm just surprised that you haven't heard of it before. It was all over the place.

Nash: Like where, for example?

Linkara: Oh, you know, comic conventions, and um...comic conventions! And um...

Nash: Comic conventions?

Linkara: See? Everywhere!

Nash: Okay, so you're telling me that a production studio made an actual Justice League of America movie and it never aired? Is it that bad?

Linkara: You wanna find out? (creepy smile on his face)

Nash: No. No I don't.

Linkara: Are you suuure?

Nash: Yes, I'm very sure. (Linkara stares at him for several seconds with that creepy smile before Nash gives in) Okay okay, fine! Stop looking at me like that!

Linkara: I knew you'd come around. Or die of a coronary at both reactions.

(The movie starts up)

Linkara (vo): We open up on--(the word "Justice" zooms in)

Linkara: Oh god! (diving out of the way)

(Then "League" zoomes in, making Nash and Linkara duck to avoid it, then once more when "of America" zooms in)

Linkara: (getting up) And somehow that's still better 3D than the Last Airbender.

(We get a shot of our city, New Metro, USA)

Nash (vo): Okay, so after that, (now a shot of the Eno Meteorological Institute) we head to the completely nondescript New Metro City, in the Eno Meteorological Institute, where we meet Dr. Eno himself, played by Miguel Ferrer. You might know him from every TV villain role ever.

(Dropping some files accidentally is one of our main characters, Tori Olavsdottir)

Linkara (vo): And this is Tori Olafsdotter. She'll be our clutzy geek girl for the film.

Tori: You know sir, I-I'm not even sure I should come. You're much better at that sort of thing. Me, on the other hand...

Eno: An attractive, intelligent researcher who's gonna knock 'em dead.

Tori: Well, I-I think that's your department. You know, the knock-em-dead part, not the attractive. Well, no, I'm not saying, ah, you're not attractive, heh. (next scene is of her walking away, smacking her head) Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Nash (vo): What a coincidence, I thought the same thing.

(Barry Allen is shown sitting in an interview room. Under his name it says "Unemployed" for his job, then "Flash" as his secret identity)

Barry: Now, I'm a nice guy, I think, you know. I like to go, uh, eat sushi sometimes, I like to go to the park, have a little picnic and stuff. I don't know...

Nash: (holding a hand out) Wait wait wait. What was that? Did we flip over to Jersey Shore? (he smacks the remote, then points it at the camera)

Linkara: Nope, that's just the framing device for the movie.

Nash: (still holding the remote) ...What?

Linkara: Yeah, the entire movie is intersperesed with these bits where the Justice League sit and talk to an interviewer off-camera.

Nash: (putting the remote away) But don't they have secret identities?

Linkara: Oh yeah.

Nash: Then who are they talking to?

Linkara: We never find out.

Nash: Could you just go ahead and give me that coronary?

Linkara (vo): We see the Flash--yes, this really is the Flash--getting evicted from his apartment after losing his job.

Landlord: Tell it to somebody who cares. (throwing out Barry's clothes, as well as a vcr)

Nash (vo, as Barry) Not cool, man! (normal voice) Back at the Eno Institute, a storm is brewing. Literally.

(Tori is looking at a storm front passing on the computer)

Tori: Dr. Eno should see this.

Eno: See what?

Tori: Oh, uh, wind speeds topping 210, we're right off the Saffir-Simpson scale.

Eno: Hurricane in New Metro.

Tori: Hm. First one on record.

Linkara (vo, dull surprise) Oh, we could all die. Who will save us?

(Our villain for the story, the Weatherman, is broadcasting a video)

Weatherman: Good afternoon New Metro, this is the Weatherman with today's forecast. In case you hadn't noticed, it's windy out. It's very windy. Those gusts are up to 200 miles per hour, and I'm afraid it's the beginning of a severe weather trend.

Nash (vo): And their response to Osama bin Fremen? Friendly camraderie.

Tori: You mean, uh, like "outside" out?

Eno: Can't spend your life in front of a computer, Tori.

Linkara (vo): Of course not. World of Warcraft won't be invented for another decade! (we go to our next scene as Guy Gardner sings opera to his girlfriend) Meanwhile, Green Lantern Guy Gardner is--oh you are kidding me!

Nash: That...was Guy Gardner?

Linkara: (ashamed) I, uh, I'm afraid so.

Nash: But...but (pictures of the actual Guy Gardner are shown) Guy Gardner is loud, and angry, and obnoxious, and ginger! This is the guy who really got kicked out of the Green Lantern Corps, stole Sinestro's yellow ring in order to keep his-- (before he can go on, the Continuity Alarm buzzes in) Did I set off the Continuity Alarm?

Linkara: You did, in fact, set it off, yes. (he reaches over to turn the alarm off)

Nash: I don't know whether I'm proud or sad.

Linkara: I think the fact you can't decide is answer enough. (Nash was about to say something, but then remains silent)

Sheila: Oh, Guy.

Guy: Sheila, I'm gonna be here more often for you in the future, I promise. (Guy's watch begins beeping) Starting real soon. (he gets up to leave)

Sheila: Guy, don't wal--!

(Guy turns back and waves his fingers back at her)

Nash (vo) Do-do-douche!

(The next character, B.B. Da Costa, aka Fire, is shown in the interview room)

Linkara (vo): The character introduction trainwreck continues as we're presented with Fire, a superhero and also aspiring actress.

(B.B. comes into the room dressed in a banana suit, followed by a clip of the "I Have No Spoon" cartoon)