Lost in Adaptation: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Part 2

Intro
(continued from Part 1)

(a dragon lands behind Terrence and roars, causing him to hastily turn around and then back again)

Terrence: Oh, bugger.

(text appears reading "And now the conclusion:")

(shows Terrence with a sullen-looking Jon Snow atop Castle Black)

Terrence: Okay, Jon, I *know* it's cold as fuck; but could you *please* stop pouting for five bloody seconds? It's driving me *right* up the wall!

(cuts to Terrence with Calluna)

Terrence: Okay, hold still. (points his wand at her) Obliviate. (a spell flies at Calluna from the wand's tip, leaving her clutching her head) So, Calluna, what's your opinion on the 1977 made-for-TV Spider-Man movie?

Calluna: (confused) Wait...what?

Terrence: You're welcome.

(cuts to Terrence with Daenerys Targaryen in her throne room)

Terrence: Daenerys, I really do appreciate you saving me from that dragon, but Terrence just isn't ready to be tied down to *any* sort of relationship; I'm sure you understand.

(cuts to Terrence in an upscale study holding a glass of whiskey)

Terrence: For a relaxing time, make it (holds the glass closer to the camera) a Ravenclaw time.

(he takes a sip from the glass)

Japanese Director (Off-screen): CUTTO, CUTTO, CUTTO, CUTTO!!!

(cuts back to Terrence with Jon Snow)

Terrence: Now that your sister's fed her husband to the dogs, do you think she might be interest in- (Jon looks over at him) I was just asking!

(cuts to Terrence with Reginald in a bar)

Terrence: Hang on, hang on, so Diggory's alive...

Reginald: Yes.

Terrence: ...but...he's evil now.

Reginald: Yes.

Terrence: And there's a lady Dark Lord?

Reginald: Eh, ah, no, it's his daughter.

Terrence: Ohhhhh. Uhhhh, so everyone's essentially an idiot or an asshole?

Reginald: (shrugs his shoulders) Essentially.

Terrence: Huh! Well, that...sounds like poorly written fanfiction as much as anything else.

(Reginald sighs exasperatedly)

Terrence: Wehh. Hey, *you're* okay, Reginald; I don't know *why* The Dom never gives you any screen time.

(cuts to Eddard Stark about to be beheaded)

Terrence (Off-screen): Petrificus Totalus!

(the executioner freezes before he can chop off Eddard's head, and a drunken Terrence Apparates beside Eddard with a bottle of Glenlivet in hand)

Terrence: Come on, Eddard! We're going back to the North; and we're gonna start our *own* kingdom, and it's gonna have blackjack...and *hookers*!

(cuts to Terrence Apparating beside Donald Trump during a campaign speech)

Donald Trump: Obama...he is the *founder*...of ISIS.

Terrence: Silencio!

(Trump's voice goes mute)

Terrence: Ahhhhh. Merlin's beard, that is *so* much better; I am *never* undoing that.

(cuts back to Terrence with Jon Snow)

Terrence: Okay, full disclosure: I may have *already* slept with your Aunt Daenerys. Oooh, sorry, spoiler warning; you're probably *not* that up-to-date with Internet theories, are you?

(cuts to Terrence in front of Hogwarts)

Terrence: Well, all in all, that was a pretty average week! (looking toward the camera) Ah, hello *again*, Muggles! Where were we?

What They Left Out Altogether
Terrence: I'm willing to bet this is the section the book readers amongst us have been waiting for, as it really *is* where the film falls down. Apparently, the possibility of splitting the story across two films was strongly *considered* by the studio; and to be honest, this would have been the *one time* that I was in favor of that. There's just *nowhere* near enough time in a single film to do justice to the fourth book, and that *really* shows -- they cut the good, they cut the bad, they cut the essential to the plot; this adaptation cut its own *legs* out from underneath it, and then was *surprised* when it fell flat on its face!

Terrence (V.O.): Oookay, starting with the opening scene, here's all the information from the book the *film* neglected to mention. The large house you can see here on the hill is known as the Riddle house -- "Riddle", as we learned in The Chamber of Secrets, is the Dark Lord's real surname. Years ago, Mr. and Mrs. Riddle and their son Tom had been found dead, *confusingly* without a single mark on them. The police had *tried* to pin the crime on Frank here, an elderly, reclusive war veteran who'd worked as the family's gardener for years; *but* they couldn't find any real evidence, so the case went unsolved -- for *his* part, Frank claimed that he saw a pale young teenager enter the house that day, making the conclusion of what *really* happened fairly obvious. Frank had still been tenaciously tending the grounds of the abandoned house for *years* until the events of the fourth book led to his death.

Next up on the left-out list is Harry's time with the Dursleys. The film starts with him already at the Burrow, so you don't see the Dursleys having to deal with the harsh reality of the potential medical consequences of Dudley's morbid obesity; *or* the Weasleys coming to pick Harry up for the World Cup using floo powder; or them getting stuck in the Dursleys' boarded-up chimney; *or* them blasting their way out, destroying half the living room in the process; or Fred and George "accidentally" dropping a magical sweet near Dudley that made his tongue grow to about a foot in length; *or* Arthur Weasley nearly getting into a scrap with Vernon as a result; OR Mrs. Weasley putting the smackdown on the twins when she found out.

I was most disappointed that the World Cup was set up so well, but then was literally *over* before it started; so you don't get to see the match where Krum gets the Snitch, but Ireland still win because their *Chasers* had scored so many goals -- this gives you a very interesting look into Krum's character, as it shows he'd rather lose on *his* terms than keep playing a match he doesn't think he can win. A whole bunch of *real* leprechauns were supposed to turn up as the Irish mascots, flying around and showering everyone with magical gold that disappeared after a few hours.

Making it easier to find an appropriate actress may have been the reason they changed it so Fleur *wasn't* distantly related to a magical race of being known as the Veela -- well, either changed or simply neglected to mention. Veela appear, most of the time, to be exceptionally beautiful women who can enchant all the men around them to instantly become hopelessly infatuated with them -- this latent power of Fleur's was the original reason that Ron blurted out an invitation to the ball and so *thoroughly* humiliated himself. Coincidentally, Veela were the Bulgarians' mascots in the Quidditch World Cup -- they got into trouble for charming the referee and then got *so* pissed off at the Irish leprechauns' showboating, they turned into half-bird women and started firing fireballs at them mid-match, making it *rather* difficult for the players to keep flying around.

Okay, here's the missing Barty Crouch backstory I alluded to in the last episode; it's quite heavily tied into his son's original not-stupid backstory, too -- get comfy, Muggles, 'cause it's *quite* a large fucking part of the book they cut out here. Barty Crouch was an up-and-coming member of the Ministry of Magic, famous for openly and *fearlessly* opposing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at the height of his original power. He pushed for harsher methods to be employed to fight the Death Eaters, including using the Unforgivable Curses against them -- it was controversial, but apparently popular enough to earn him a lot of support; and he was all set to become Minister for Magic, uuuuntil his son was found out to be a Death Eater. As I mentioned, Junior in the book professed his innocence all the way through the trial; after he supposedly died in Azkaban after just a year there, public opinion turned against Crouch and stopped him from getting the top job.

The reality of the matter was that, just after a year in Azkaban, Junior's mother -- finding out that she was dying -- managed to talk Crouch into aiding her and busting him out; using Polyjuice Potion, she switched places with him during a visit there -- so it was *she* who died in his cell shortly later. Crouch then kept his son locked up in his house for years under the Imperius Curse until Voldemort and Wormtail found out about him and came to rescue him *right* after the Quidditch World Cup. With the tables turned, Junior and Voldemort forced Crouch to go about his daily normal life like nothing was happening, while they prepared for their Triwizard plan.

After a while, Barty started to throw off the curse just enough to start looking and acting really weird; so they had him start working from home and getting others, like his personal assistant Percy Weasley or Cornelius Fudge, to fill in for him as Triwizard judge. In the time between the second and third task, due to a cock-up by Wormtail, he manages to escape and, driven half-mad by the effort of fighting the curse, slowly makes his way to Hogwarts to come clean to Dumbledore. On the edge of the Forbidden Forest, he happened to come across Harry, who was being interrogated by Krum about his relationship with Hermione. Harry runs to get Dumbledore; but, unfortunately, Junior gets to his father first, stunning Krum and murdering Crouch, disposing of the body *before* they got back.

With all this lacking, it occurs that Junior has no real reason to kill his father in the film -- yes, he hated him for sending him to Azkaban; but he was supposed to be so devoted to the Dark Lord's plan, he never would have risked giving himself away for a personal vendetta. It's also left entirely unexplained in the film how he escaped from Azkaban, as his mother and her *sacrifice* were not included. Most of everything I mentioned here is just plot dumped in the final chapter; but once you learn it, *so* many events of the book *suddenly* make sense, so it all feels nicely tied together at the end.

Ludo Bagman: former professional quidditch player, Ministry official, gambling addict, Triwizard Tournament organizer and judge, aaaand non-existent in the film. Bagman admittedly did not have any direct impact on the main plot, but he's still an interesting and relatively important side character. His backstory involves being implicated for associating with Death Eaters, but being cleared of all charges; and offering to help Harry in the tournament because -- it's revealed -- he was betting heavily on him to win. At the end, it's also revealed that he made a bet with Fred and George at the World Cup, then refused to pay up or give them their *money* back when he lost -- apparently, he goes on the run from goblin debt collectors at the end of the book.

Dobby, the house-elf from the second movie, is also supposed to make multiple appearances in this story -- it turns out he got a job at Hogwarts because Dumbledore was the only wizard willing to pay a house-elf for their work. In the book, *he* was the one who gave Harry the gillyweed needed to breathe underwater -- the film using Neville for this instead is *actually* quite funny, as Crouch, Jr. admits that that was his original plan; *but* Harry never asked Neville for advice, so he had to drop the hint to Dobby instead. Eh, Dobby's absence here is particularly unfortunate, as this was the book where he really redeemed himself for the dick moves he pulled in Chamber of Secrets and became genuinely likable as a character -- I'm given to understand his death was a bit of a tearjerker in the last film (text appears reading "*2nd to last"); imagine how much worse it *would* have been if you had actually gotten to *know* him a little better.

Speaking *of* house-elves, it appears poor Winky also vanished from existence as this story made its way to film form. Winky was a particularly loyal house-elf who had been in the service of the Crouch family her whole life and was in on the plan to spring Junior out of Azkaban and keep him prisoner at home. She became Junior's full-time minder and was the one who talked his father into letting him go to the Quidditch World Cup to get some fresh air for the first time in years. Eh, she took him to the stands underneath an invisibility cloak; but, unfortunately, that was the moment that he managed to shake off his father's control just enough to steal Harry's wand during the match.

Afterwards, when the Death Eaters who had disavowed You-Know-Who started running amok, Junior became so enraged at their impertinence, he sent up the Dark Mark to terrify them. Winky had been attempting to drag him away from the campsite at the time and happened to be not far away from where Harry, Ron, and Hermione had taken cover. When the Ministry wizards Apparated in and started blasting Stunning Spells every which way, she and Junior were caught in the crossfire -- *she* got discovered; but *Barty*, still being invisible, did not. Being the only one who knew the actual score and enraged by her failure to keep his son under control, Crouch ended up giving her clothes and setting her free -- a terrible, shameful event for any elf not Dobby. *She* ended up getting a job at Hogwarts as well, but spent most of her time there drinking herself into a stupor to try to forget her woes.

Okay, soooo, (sighs) Hermione -- the overzealous razor blades that cut away the development of the rest of the supporting cast went slightly easier on her, but by *no* means was she left unscathed. She got her Viktor-Ron love triangle and the damning article about her *allegedly* playing with Harry's affections; *but* they cut out some very important events from the book that define her character, leaving her relatively dull in comparison. Interestingly, this is one of the few films that didn't contribute heavily to the Legolas effect; in fact, depending on your opinion on certain types of activism, you could say that she was made significantly *less* awesome in this -- a though that leads me nicely to the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, a.k.a. S.P.E.W., a.k.a. "SPEW", a.k.a. the most significant and telling signs of Hermione's true nature that the film decided it just didn't need to bother with.

After witnessing Winky's mistreatment at the hands of her wizard master, the realization of the injustice of the house-elves' current "unpaid, no rights" situation had a very profound effect on Hermione. Because she was entirely Muggle-born, she was uninfluenced by the commonly accepted wizard norms; so she saw the enslavement of these creatures as a *travesty* that needed to be remedied forthwith. She formed what she presumably *thought* was going to be a world-changing movement -- the before-mentioned Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare -- and made little badges with "S.P.E.W." on them, which Ron annoyingly read phonetically as "SPEW". Despite all the Pure-blood wizards being borderline disgusted by the idea; Harry, the Muggle-borns and Half-bloods being apathetic at best; and, worst of all, the house-elves themselves being horrified and *offended* by the whole thing, Hermione never gave up on the idea of elf rights. Possibly a factor in this was her familiarity with Muggle history and the unavoidable parallels with other forms of unpaid labor -- the obvious difference, of course, being that the vast majority of house-elves seem to be genuinely happy and content with this arrangement, whereas the unfortunate souls in the real world were clearly not. Hermione dismissed this as the indoctrination effect of no one questioning the status quo in centuries; *but* regardless of the *source* of their happiness, their happiness did seem to remain.

As the reader, whether you saw S.P.E.W. as a genuine quest to right a tragically ignored wrong, or an example of an overzealous social justice warrior subconsciously trying to invent trouble and impose her ideals on a minority that she is not a part of and did not ask her for help in order to satisfy her latent hero complex, *is* entirely subjective. Regardless, "SPEW" is one of the first things that was entirely *Hermione's* and not an extension of Harry and his destiny; she, as a character, is done a great disservice by its absence.

You may recall that I mentioned there were some more *subtle* hints to the Barty, Jr./Mad-Eye plot twist in the book. One of the best ones was right before the gang left for school -- Arthur Weasley had to rush off to smooth over an incident at Moody's house, where he claimed he'd been attacked and put a spell on the dustbins to throw garbage on the intruders; *and* some Muggle police got caught in the crossfire. Everyone assumed it was just Moody being his usual, uber-paranoid self; but, obviously, at the end, it turned out there really *was* an attack -- the one that ended with him in a magical trunk and an imposter in his place.

Another such hint comes when Harry is looking at the Marauder's Map and sees Barty Crouch on it snooping around Snape's office, as the map was enchanted to show people's *true* names regardless of Polyjuice Potion; Harry, not knowing at this point that there were *two* people of this name, assumed that Crouch, *Sr.* was investigating Snape. In a lucky turn of events for Junior, right after this, he got his hands on the map and, realizing how close he had come to being discovered, asked Harry if he could borrow it -- as he had just *saved* Harry from being caught by Snape out of his dormitory at night, he felt obliged to agree.

If you've *just* watched the film, you might have been led to believe that Harry's fourth year at Hogwarts was almost *entirely* devoted to the events of the Triwizard Tournament; this is because they cut out the first couple of months of school *before* the foreign students turned up, *and* all but one of the lessons after that. Two other noteworthy overlooks were the Triwizard winnings and the Weasley twins' Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes -- good Lord, I took on more 'w's than I intended to there. It transpires that Fred and George's ultimate dream was to open a magical joke shop -- much to the distress of their mother, who wanted them to work for the Ministry, like their father and brother. They were originally hoping to finance the shop with their gambling winnings; but, as I mentioned, Ludo Bagman welched on them and stole all their money. This was solved with the 1,000 galleon reward that Harry got for winning the tournament -- Harry was so traumatized by the death of Cedric, he really didn't want the money around as a constant reminder of it; *but* no one else was willing to take it, so he donated it to the twins' cause. The one proviso he included was that the twins had to buy Ron some decent dress robes.

You do see a little of Hagrid and Madame Maxime's interactions from the book; but they left out the most interesting part, when they fall out -- during the Yule Ball, Hagrid mentions how nice it is to finally meet another half-giant; and she *freaks out*, denying she is any such thing. Worst of all, Rita Skeeter was listening in on the conversation and publishes a story about Hagrid's heritage -- apparently, giants are known for being a bit nasty in the Harry Potter universe. *Fortunately*, it all blows over in the end; and Hagrid and Madame Maxime make up.

I suppose I should be happy that Rita Skeeter is in this at all; but Merlin's beard, they left out all the best stuff about her! In the book, after she prints the character assassination piece about Hermione, Miss Granger swears revenge on her; and bugger me if she doesn't go and get it! Hermione eventually figures out that Skeeter has been eavesdropping on private conversations through the application of her hidden power -- i.e. she was an unregistered Animagus, like the four Marauders; she could turn into a tiny little beetle and hang around, waiting for someone to let something incriminating slip. Miss Granger manages to trap her in a jar while she's in beetle form and blackmails her into giving up journalism for a year -- it's a very...satisfying part of the end of the book.

The film apparently decided to leave out the ultimate fate of Barty Crouch, Jr. -- in this case, it might have been because they thought it was just a tad too dark; but let's face it, that means we're choosing between incompetence and cop-out. Dumbledore *says* they're going to turn him over to Azkaban's Dementors in the film; but if you haven't read the book, you wouldn't know that as soon as one of them turned up, it immediately performed the dreaded Dementor's Kiss on him, sucking his soul out through his mouth and leaving him an empty husk -- worse than dead.

Tenth Doctor: I don't wanna go!

Terrence (V.O.): No, I, I don't blame you at all, no.

After Harry gets forced into the tournament, Sirius decides he needs to be closer to his godson and flies Buckbeak all the way back to Britain; he sets up camp in a mountain cave just outside of Hogsmeade and stays in regular contact with both Harry and Dumbledore. After Harry comes back from his ordeal, Sirius is brought to the castle in dog form to watch over him for a bit.

Professor Trelawney and her clearly bullshit lessons continue in this book, although she fails to make any more real prophecies or...do anything particularly interesting. There were meant to be quite a few Death Eaters on trial in the Pensieve flashback, including Bellatrix Lestrange -- good Lord, these films will *never* miss an opportunity to not set up an important future character, will they?

Poor Bertha Jorkins, the infinitely *unlucky*, was *also* apparently considered not film-worthy -- a mid-level Ministry employee who had the great misfortune to once have accidentally discovered Crouch's dirty little secret. Crouch, Sr. cast such a powerful Memory Erasing Spell on her that she was left permanently brain-damaged and absentminded for life. Her *very* bad luck continued into later life, when she was captured and the Dark Lord tortured her to *death* for information about Harry Potter; Barty Crouch, Jr.; and the Triwizard Tournament -- all in all, it's a bit of a sad story, really. I *suppose* I should be making a big deal about the fact that without her, You-Know-Who couldn't possibly have known about the -- until announced -- very secret tournament and concocted his rather silly plan; but Lord help me, I've just got to pick my battles at this point.

Ah, here's an interesting one! Method actor Barty, Jr. was so committed to the role of Mad-Eye, he decides it's important for his students to *experience* what one of the Unforgivable Curses was like -- how, and in fact *if*, he got around this being highly illegal is not explained in the book. He uses the Imperius Curse on the class one by one. *Surprisingly*, Harry shows a phenomenally high resistance to it; with Barty, Jr.'s help, he learns how to shrug off the curse completely -- which is quite funny because later in the book, the Dark Lord tries to control Harry with it, but *can't* because of his most loyal servant's training.

Last but not least, WHERE WERE THE BLAST-ENDED MOTHERFUCKING SKR-R-REWTS, the hor-r-rific and dangerous creatures that Hagrid insists the class look after during their lessons? I just wanted to see Rupert Grint getting a little bit attacked by a giant armored scorpion monster with a leech's head that could blast fire out of its ass; is that *really* too much to ask for?!

Terrence's Final Thoughts
Terrence: Do I *even* need to say it? The "Left Out" section needed its own *episode* all to *itself* -- this certainly wasn't "in name only"; but gosh, it *felt* like it in some places. And I'm sorry, I don't think the fact that the book was much longer excuses everything -- some things had to be cut and *should* have been cut, but you can't just keep *hacking*...and *hacking* away at a plot until it fits easily into two hours 'cause then you just end up with a nonsensical mess! I am *aware* that this is probably hitting me harder than usual because this is one of my favorite books; but quite frankly, if this is how an Englishman is going to treat Harry Potter, I'm ready to swallow my national pride and go *crawling* back to the American! *Terrence* out, y'all; this wizard needs a drink.