War of the Commercials

(There are no opening titles; it simply dissolves from the Channel Awesome logo to a closeup of the donut on the NC's "I [Donut] Donuts" t-shirt. He then sits himself down on the couch)

NC: Just go! (pushes a button on his remote)

(And, once again as in the past, we are treated to that same old opening sequence, those "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages...

(The title "Just Go!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 64
(TV static transition to: Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 64 commercial)

Note: It's been confirmed that the announcer heard in this commercial is in fact the late and great Don LaFontaine, who died of pneumothorax on September 1, 2008 at the age of 68.

(Mario, Pikachu, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong are seen skipping along through a field together, while "Happy Together" by the Turtles plays in the background)

NC (vo): Yeah, this one launches the nostalgic feels. It's the first commercial for Super Smash Bros. on Nintendo 64. Now it's a common place idea to see your favorite lovable characters beat the shit out of each other, but back then, seeing these cuddly cuteballs skip was pretty shocking when it was followed by this...

(Mario kicks Yoshi in the leg, knocking him to the ground. Then Donkey Kong retaliates by punching Mario in the head)

NC: Good Lord!

NC (vo): Suddenly, it's Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator, looking over an enchanted bloodbath!

(As the Nintendo characters engage in an all-out brawl, Phoenix's character from Gladiator, Commodus, watches and sticks his tongue out)

Don LaFontaine (vo): Something's gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo.

NC (vo): What I like is, before you realize it's all going this direction, it just looks like Mario snapped at Yoshi! (the scene of Mario kicking Yoshi is played again) What the hell did he do?! Did he have a flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him?

(As dramatic music plays, a clip of Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island plays, with a crying Baby Mario, out of reach of Yoshi, is spirited away by Kamek's toadies)

NC (vo): (as Mario, as he kicks Yoshi) Never forgive, asshole! (as DK, as he punches Mario) You're a dickhead, Mario! (as Mario) Who cares?!

(NC then imitates all of the characters at once as they fight, but it's too inaudible to make it out, except for Pikachu's "Pika! Pika!", as DK throws him through the air by his tail)

NC: Ten points to whoever threw Pikachu twice, by the way.

(In the commercial, Pikachu is seen airborne a second time; Yoshi then swings a sledgehammer at the camera; it smashes the image, leaving a spurt of blood)

NC (vo): Why are they even skipping if they were just gonna fight? Is it like (a shot of the following appears in the corner...) A Clockwork Orange, where Mario knew he was gonna jack them up?

NC (vo; as Mario, in the manner of Alex from A Clockwork Orange): I was calm on the outside, but thinking all the time. So now it was Georgie the General, saying what to do, and what not to do. Well, I viddied what to do.

(To music from A Clockwork Orange, Mario's kick that starts the whole fight is shown again)

NC: Could you just get revenge by dropping him by...

(A clip of Super Mario World, showing Yoshi, Mario having been knocked off, running off a cliff)

NC (vo): ...dropping him off another cliff?

NC: We know the species are like socks to you.

(Cut back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Ultra-violent as hell, but pretty funny, too, this commercial hits hard in the laughs.

Don LaFontaine (vo): Only on Nintendo 64.

(The commercial ends with Yoshi hitting DK on the head with the aforementioned hammer, knocking the big gorilla to the ground with the N in "Nintendo 64" spinning around his head like circling stars; cut to the tagline for the N64: "Get N or Get Out")

Alex DeLarge: (audio) I was cured, all right.

Ring Pop
(TV static transition to: Ring Pop commercial)

(A boy is shown wearing boxing gloves)

Boy 1: ​Where's the ring?

Girl 1: Here's the ring. Ring Pop!

NC (vo): Hey, kids, want to eat your bling? Seek help, and then seek a Ring Pop.

(Cut to another commercial, showing a boy and girl)

Boy 2: Will you wear my ring? (hands over a purple box with Ring Pop inside it)

Girl 2: (happy) Ring Pop!

Singers: It's a lollipop without a stick, / A ring of flavor you can lick!

NC (vo): It's a catchy jingle and a typical setup, but it is one of those few commercials that have me constantly asking the question: what happened after?

NC: I know, I know, these are just playful scenarios to set up jokes, but, what if they didn't cut away? How would the rest of these scenes play out?

Boy 2: Will you wear my ring?

Girl 2: (happy) Ring Pop!

NC: (as Girl 2, holding a red box containing Ring Pop, laughs) Seriously, where's the ring, though? (as Boy 2) Well, I, uh, uh... (as Girl 2) You kept a box behind your back saying "Will you wear my ring?". You do not screw with a girl when it comes to this! (as Boy 2) W-well, I got some Tootsie Rolls, if you're interested in any of those. (as Girl 2, puts Ring Pop on) Oh, look, I can turn it around and wear on the inside. (as Boy 2) What does it have to do with-

(NC, as Girl 2, slaps the interlocutor with Ring Pop)

NC: (as Boy 2, offscreen) OH!

Boy 1: ​Where's the ring?

Girl 1: Here's the ring. Ring Pop!

NC: (as Boy 1, wearing boxing gloves with American flag pattern on them) Okay, what the hell? You told me there was a ring, I thought I was fighting the school bully, I was pissing myself with fear, and it was all just a pun for edible jewelry?

Girl 1: Ring Pop!

NC: (as Boy 1, angrily puts the gloves off) Yeah, here's your pop. (punches the camera)

Singers: You wear a ring on magic finger, Ring Pop!

(Cut to other commercial, which shows two little girls playing fashionistas)

Girl 3: I love the way the ring looks.

Girl 4: (the one wearing Ring Pop) I love the way the ring tastes. (puts Ring Pop in her mouth)

Girl 3: Ring Pop! (giggles)

NC: (as Girl 4, watching at Ring Pop excitedly) My life is a toddler and tiara is scarring, but at least I have Ring Pop! (as Girl 4's mother, offscreen) Julie? Are you getting candy on your walkway clothes? (as Girl 4, shivering with fear) No, Mom! (as Girl 4's mother, offscreen) You better not chubby thighs.

(NC, as Girl 4, starts crying and puts Ring Pop in his mouth)

NC (vo): Nevertheless, it's a cute commercial for a cute product.

Girl 5: Then I can get out the stick and get her ring! (?)

Singers: Ring Pop!

(A slapping sound is heard)

NC (vo; as Boy 2): OH!

Got Milk?
(TV static transition to: Got Milk? commercial)

(A man is shown at restaurant eating pancakes, and the bartender puts the glass of water)

Man: (with mouth full) Can I have some milk, please?

Bartender: (pointing at the woman nearby) She got the last one.

NC (vo): Believe it or not, there was a time when the funniest commercials you could watch were milk commercials. Yeah, in the early 90s, milk sales were down, so the California Milk Processor Board hired renowned advertising agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners to make milk, well... kinda cool.

NC: But how do you do that? It's milk. I mean, this was their advertising campaign before.

Human

NC: Clearly didn't have that big in effect.

NC (vo): But with the catchphrase of only two words, Got Milk?, suddenly, milk was hilarious.

Zellers (with Batman)
(TV static transition to: Zellers commercial)

Batcave Announcer: Attention! Attention! Family things, high toy prices are joked!

NC: Oh, no!

NC (vo): This was an ad for a department store called Zellers, and while it's cool to get Batman and Robin in there, the way they are represented is kind of odd.

Batcave Announcer:  Attention! Attention! Family things, high toy prices are joked!

NC: Okay, I don't know why the Batcave has an announcer, but he does not sound very excited to be Zed announcer!

NC (vo): I would be exstatic if Batman picked me for that job you un enthusiastict dick!

Batman: Rock a punch line, Joker!

(The Joker runs away laughing)

NC: Woah, I know the Joker is supposed to be excitable, but...

NC (vo): ...hummingbirds made out of Jello don't move like that!

Batman:  Rock a punch line, Joker!

NC (vo as Joker): Too late, Batman, I'm all cartilage!

Batman: Listen folks, only at Zellers are you protected by?

NC: And what's up with Batman's voice?

NC (vo): It sounds more like his grandpa, a 1920s radio.

Batman:  Rock a punch line, Joker!

NC (as Batman): He's pulling a 22 skadoo!

Batman:  Only at Zellers are you protected by?

Robin: The law of Toyland! Nobody keeps Zellers prices on toys, nobody!

NC: Yeah, that's great, is this crime really Batman or Joker worthy?

NC (vo): I feel like this was at the lower end of anarchy and chaos.

Robin (vo): Hot Wheels are just a $1.77 each.

(The scene when the Joker is running away is shown again)

NC: Next, I'll tell them that Walmart's price are suitable are best, SUITABLE!!

NC (vo): Their weird-ass Ren & Stimpy animation close out what was already a surreal bat experience.

Batman (vo): You're protected at Zellers, Because... the lowest price is the law.

(The Joker breaks his back after running away from the spotlight)

NC (vo as Joker):  OOOH, my imaginary spine I don't have!

NC (vo): Odd to say the least, but still contains a lot of energy for a few yucks.

Robin: Holy one-liner, Batman!

NC (as Robin): What? It's Zellers, Robin ain't bringing his a-material to this!

Purr-tenders
(TV static transition to: Purr-tenders commercial)

Female Announcer: Meet the Purr-tenders.

NC (vo): Here's a cute idea.

NC: I think, honestly it's kinda weird.

Eliminator TS-7
(TV static transition to: Eliminator TS-7 commercial)

Warburtons (with the Muppets)
(TV static transition to: Warburtons commercial)

Woman: Mr. Warburton, there's a Mr. the Frog here to see you?

Kermit: Mr. Warburton...

NC (vo): Okay, I know the Muppets have had their ups and downs in the past, but what the hell are they doing here?

RSPCA PSA
(TV static transition to: RSPCA PSA commercial)

(A dog is shown sitting in an empty room as a somber version of "How Much is That Doggie in the Window" is heard)

NC (vo): Okay, here's something more chipper: a delightful little doggy.

(The camera slowly moves closer to the dog as NC begins to be moved at its cuteness and speaking baby-talk)

NC: Aw! Aren't you the cutest little thing?

NC (vo): Oh, my God! You're the most adorable little guy. Oh, yes, you are!

NC: (chuckles) You're...so adorable, they're just kind of keeping the...

NC (vo): ...camera on you, aren't they? Yeah, just, uh...

NC: Not really saying anything, not hearing any announcers...guess they're just banking on your cuteness. Okay. I can go with that. (continues speaking baby-talk at the dog) You're the cutest little guy! You're the most adorable little thing in the world! Oh, yes, you are! Oh, yes, you...

(As the camera moves close to the dog, suddenly, a human hand holding a gun appears and aims the gun at the dog. This immediately shocks NC to no end, as he moves backwards on the couch in total shock)

NC: Oh, Christ! Oh, shit! Holy...whoa! Whoa! What the hell?! What the hell?! What?! What?! What?! Wha-ha...?!

Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.

(The RSPCA logo is shown, ending the PSA. NC sits back down normally on the couch, stunned beyond all belief)

NC: What in fluffy shit was that?!

NC (vo): Is this a terrorist hostage video for PetSmart?

NC: (stammers) What was this even for?!

(The logo is shown again)

NC (vo): RSPCA?

NC: Let me look that up. (brings out his phone and looks up the RSPCA website, reading what it's about) "An animal welfare charity in Britain..." (suddenly gets angry) OH, OF COURSE!! When you're doing crumpets...

(The Muppets' Warburtons commercial is shown briefly)

NC (vo): ...you're all Muppets and dancing!

NC: But when you're doing PSAs...

(The PSA's shot of the gun pointing at the dog's head is shown again)

NC (vo): ...YOU'RE KILLING DOGS!

NC: NEW CANADA!!

NC (vo): Just listen to the wording they use in this.

Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.

NC (vo): Are they trying to get across the message that if you give them the money, they'll be able to stop cruelty to animals? Was that what they were trying to get across?

(Cut to a clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990), showing April O'Neil and Casey Jones arguing)

April (Judith Hoag): Well, you failed miserably!

NC: Yeah! It doesn't come across that way at all! They literally say "Give us a pound, or we'll pull the trigger!"

NC (vo): I would think this is a gritty reboot of Cats &amp; Dogs directed by Christopher Nolan!

NC: They don't even say what RSPCA stands for! Well, in my mind, it stands for...

(The RSPCA logo is shown with NC's caption added to it)

NC (vo): ...Really Shitty Puppy Crucifying Assholes!

NC: This got such a negative backlash that they cut down the PSA...

(Footage of the edited PSA is shown, showing the dog in an empty room while adding captions for how many pounds the dog costs)

NC (vo): ...and had a kid sing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window" while answering how much a dog really does cost. (Cut back to the original PSA, showing the gun aiming at the dog's head) Yeah. Don't forget to include the funeral, you sick shits!

NC: In fact, that ironically contradicts the last one they did!

NC (vo): Where this one [the edited PSA] says "Don't spend the cash if you can't afford it", the other one [the real PSA] says, "Give us the cash or you'll see Benji's brains!"

NC: Okay, I'm done with this one. It's horrible, it doesn't get the point across, it's just disturbing. Please show me a different one to watch.

Pound Puppies
(TV static transition to: Pound Puppies commercial)

Boy: Those lonely Pound Puppies really need a...

NC: Oh, don't show me that! (groans)

Kid Singers: Pound Puppy I'm so glad to find you, / put that lonely puppy pound behind you.

NC: Okay, come on, come on, maybe I won't think of the PSA.

NC (vo): Pound Puppies, pound, " give us a pound, or we'll pull the trigger"...

NC: I'm sorry, you're cute, but I need time!

(NC changes channel)

Mickey Mouse Talking Phone
(TV static transition to: Mickey Mouse Talking Phone commercial)

Announcer: It's the Mickey Mouse Talking Phone.

NC (vo): Ah, the Mickey Mouse phone. I think a lot of kids had this.

Girl: (on phone) Mickey, come over for a party! (sounds like "potty")

NC (vo): Kid, you are way too young to be into Mickey Mouse watching you potty.

NC: (perplexed) Also, you sound relatively disinterested in it.

Girl: Mickey, come over for a party!

(Another Mickey Mouse Talking Phone commercial is shown, showing another girl dialing the phone)

NC (vo): To be fair, it's better than this obviously confused kid.

Girl: Wrong number. (hangs up phone)

NC: Who says that to a character phone?

NC (vo): That's like playing Mario Bros. and saying...

NC: (playing the game with a disinterested look on his face) This has nothing to do with plumbing. (drops controller and shrugs)

(Still another commercial is shown, this one showing a boy calling a character)

Background singer: I can have a talk with Mickey Mouse / From anywhere inside my house...

Mickey Mouse: (on phone, distorted) Hi! This is Mickey Mouse! (the boy giggles)

NC: (nodding) That was Mickey Mouse, huh?

NC (vo): Sounds more like a drunken old lady shouting obscenities.

Mickey Mouse: (on phone, distorted) Hi! This is Mickey Mouse! (the boy giggles)

NC (vo): Don't laugh at her, it only makes her drink more!

(In the commercial, a little girl is seen dialing up Snow White)

Background singer: Call her up, on the line...

Snow White: (on phone, distorted) Hello. (girl covers her mouth in surprise) I'm Snow White.

NC (vo): (as Snow White) Okay, I sound nothing like Snow White, but I'm...

NC: (shakes head) ...a woman. That should fool you at this age.

Girl: I love you, Snow White!

Background singer: When I'm with all my favorite friends / Donald Duck's on the other end...

Donald Duck: (on phone, heavily distorted) This is Donald Duck!

NC: That was one of the Martians from Mars Attacks.

(Donald's voice on the phone in the commercial is shown again, accompanied by a shot of the Martians in Mars Attacks speaking, in a similar way that Donald does)

NC: (holds up three fingers) Three out of three wrong! That's pretty impressive.

NC (vo): Let's be honest, this product would be a lot more fun if they brought in even more interesting Disney characters. I think there's a good variety you can choose from.

(A boy and a girl, played by Malcolm and Tamara (the latter holding a Sonic doll), are seen listening in a phone)

High-pitched voice on phone (Doug): Hello, this is Bambi! My mother and I are–

(Suddenly, a gunshot is heard; Bambi screams at this, as Malcolm and Tamara look shocked and upset; Malcolm pushes a button on the phone)

Deep, menacing voice on phone (also Doug): Hello, this is Judge Frollo. My sexual lust for gypsy girls half my age burns like Hell's fire–

(A nervous-looking Malcolm and Tamara push another button on the phone)

Black-sounding voice on phone (Malcolm): Hello! We're the cast from Song of the South!

(Malcolm and Tamara look disgusted and the former slams the phone down; cut back to the actual commercial)

NC (vo): Still a neat idea for a toy, just not advertised very well.

Announcer: Talks in six different Disney pals on the Mickey Mouse Talking Phone. Batteries not included. From Hasbro Preschool.

(Cut back to Malcolm and Tamara talking on the phone)

Excited-sounding voice on phone (also Malcolm): Hello! We are the crows from Dumbo!

(Malcolm angrily slams the phone down again, then smashes the phone with a sledgehammer, startling Tamara, who looks on in worry)

Tiger Electronics
(TV static transition to: Tiger Electronics commercial)

Balzac
(TV static transition to: Balzac commercial)

Ball Buster
(TV static transition to: Ball Buster commercial)

Super Soaker Oozinator
(TV static transition to: Super Soaker Oozinator commercial)

Pole Position for Atari
(TV static transition to: Pole Position for Atari commercial)