Scooby-Doo

NC (looking irritated): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't ha- what the fuck am I doing? No really, what the fuck am I doing?! I'll tell ya what I'm doing: Scooby-Doo the douche-horse movie!

Opening to the Scooby-Doo movie

NC: Yeah, fuck it! Here's what I think of the movie: it fucking sucks, the end!

End credits start to roll, but stop almost immediately after

NC: No, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time... is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well that's pretty sad," well yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well that's a pretty sad existence," well yeah, it is a pretty sad existence (picks up Scooby-Doo DVD) JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT SCOOBY FUCKING DOO! (throws down DVD) I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club- okay I've gone to a couple strip clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like (makes a suggestive gesture)... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well I'll tell ya who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer...

Clips from the film

NC (voiceover): ...because I was too lazy to find any clips that were actually visually interesting for you, and I of couse talk over it.

NC: I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am aware, I am, nothing's going to make it any different. (sigh) It's not like I could just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him.