5 O'Clock

(Todd plays "5 O'Clock" on his piano. Text appears reading: T-PAIN ft. WIZ KHALIFA - 5 O'CLOCK A pop song review)

Todd: Okay, um...okay. So I try to be my own original guy, but...well, let's face it. I do issue some pretty cliche complaints fairly often. I laugh at [clip of Lady Gaga - "Alejandro"] Lady Gaga's ridiculous outfits, [Justin Bieber - "Baby"] I think Justin Bieber sucks, [Young Money - "BedRock"] I hate that weird hashtag rap thing everyone was doing a year ago.

Gudda Gudda: And I got her...grocery bag

Todd: Yeech. But one thing you'll notice I haven't complained much about is the scourge of pop radio known as [demonstrating, drawing it out] Auto-Tune. And the reason you haven't heard me complain about it is that I don't mind it all that much.

Clip of The Gregory Brothers ft. Antoine Dodson - "Bed Intruder Song"

Todd (VO): As far as I'm concerned, it's just a feature of modern production, and complaining about it is as useful as complaining about multi-track vocals or stereophonic sound. It's a tool to be used well [Clip of Kanye West - "Heartless"] or used badly, just like anything else. And when used properly, it can actually be really effective.

Todd: ''[Auto-Tuned] And besides, Auto-Tuning yourself and talking like a robot is actually a lot of fun. Hey, why don't I do a whole review with my voice Auto-Tuned?'' Actually, let's not. That would get old really fast. And speaking of getting old really fast, let's talk about T-Pain.

Video for T-Pain - "Can't Believe It" T-Pain: Let's talk about you and me

Todd (VO): T-Pain and Auto-Tune are forever gonna be interchangeable. Not just because T-Pain only ever sings with Auto-Tune, but also because no one has ever used it more successfully.

Video for "Buy U a Drink" T-Pain: I'm T-Pain

Todd (VO): In fact, I daresay that T-Pain has done more than almost anyone to justify Auto-Tune as a legitimate stylistic choice.

Todd: Idiots like Jason Derulo and Katy Perry use Auto-Tune to lazily hide their horrendous inability to hit a note.

Todd (VO): T-Pain, meanwhile, does it because, like Ke$ha, he's a ridiculous parody of everything that is modern pop music.

Clip of "Can't Believe It" T-Pain: Put you in a mansion, somewhere in Wis-cansin

Todd (VO): And also like Ke$ha, it's difficult to tell how much he's in on the joke.

Todd: I think there was a point where he meant all the clubbing and hos without irony, but [Clips on "Thug Story" ft. Taylor Swift...]the goofy joke duets with Taylor Swift and ["I'm on the Boat" with...] The Lonely Island have pretty well erased that. But that's good. T-Pain is at his best when he's silly and fun. Unfortunately, he's frequently not, which is what T-Pain such a frustrating performer because the line between T-Pain being awesome and T-Pain being annoying is a thin one indeed.

Video for "Bartender"

Todd (VO): My personal favorite T-Pain song is "Bartender", where he's like, "dude, I think the bartender's into me."

T-Pain: I think she thinks I'm cool

Todd (VO): Yeah, like a frat boy who's just had his first legal drink.

Todd: Yeah, that's the T-Pain I like. But unfortunately often times, he's too stupid to be fun and too slimy to be forgivable.

Video for "I'm Sprung"

Todd (VO): Most of the world seems to have forgotten his first single, "I'm Sprung", and...and with good reason, as it's quite possibly the worst R&B song of the decade.

T-Pain: But I'm feelin kinda lonely On top of that I'm kinda horny

Todd: Yeah, thanks for that, T-Pain.

Video of "Reverse Cowgirl"

Todd (VO): Now here's another thing you might not know if you don't pay close attention to the charts. Despite being synonymous with the current sound of pop music, he hasn't had a hit in, like, three years. It may just be that he's a victim of overexposure—he's been on literally almost [list of songs featuring T-Pain] 200 of other people's songs since his peak in '08, [Video for "Hey Baby (Drop It on the Floor)"] but only one real hit, and not a particularly impressive one at that.

T-Pain: See what you got in store

Todd: Maybe the reason people got tired on T-Pain is, beyond the Auto-Tune, there's just not a lot to the guy. Like...

Video for "I'm 'n Luv (Wit a Stripper) 2 (Tha Remix)"

Todd (VO): He's like a lot of R&B singers. He's just got a very limited scope of things he sings about. T-Pain likes clubs, T-Pain likes sex, T-Pain likes...

Todd: ...actually, I...I think that might be it.

Todd (VO): You know, maybe the guy just doesn't have anything left to offer, which is why I'm not thrilled that he's managed to pull out yet another hit.

Todd: I mean, I...haven't heard it yet, but let me guess. Does it mention clubs? [Check for "yes"] Does it mention sex? [Check for "yes"] Surprise, surprise...ah whatever. It is what it is. And so, everybody, with his new song about clubs and sex, T-Pain.

Video for "5 O'Clock" Lily Allen: It's 5 o'clock in the morning Conversation got boring You said you're goin to bed soon So I snuck off to your bedroom

Todd: What? What?

Todd (VO): Is that Lily Allen? What the hell is this doing in a T-Pain song?

Lily: and I was hoping... [drops off] T-Pain: It's 5 o'clock in the morning

Todd: Okay, back up! Um...okay. Lily Allen.

Video for "The Fear"

Todd (VO): Okay, in case you don't know, Lily Allen is a pretty big deal in the UK, but she never really gained much of a foothold in America, so I'm guessing...

Todd: ...most of you are probably not familiar with her unless you're one of those Pitchfork-reading snobs who constantly name-drops Europop singers and how they're [mockingly] so much better than our American crap. [Album cover of Robyn - Body Talk] By the way, that last album by Swedish pop star Robyn was actually really good and she's way better than any of that Ke$ha crap and you should totally listen to it. Anyway, I do know a little about Lily Allen, and I think she's actually a quite intelligent, witty, charming young woman. Either that or she's horrifically smug and insufferable, depending on what mood I'm in. Here she is...

Video for "Not Fair"

Todd (VO): ...humiliating an otherwise perfect boyfriend for being bad in bed.

Lily: When we go up to bed you're just no good, it's such a shame!

Todd (VO): Yeah, and here she is...

Video for "Smile"

Todd (VO): ...laughing at your pain.

Lily: ...when I see you cry, Yeah it makes me smile

Todd (VO): And...we'll just let this one stand out on its own.

Video for "Fuck You (Very Much)" Lily: Fuck you Fuck you very, very much

Todd: But the song that got sampled here, I'm told, is called...

Video for...

Todd (VO): "Who'd Have Known", and it is actually one of her less abrasive singles. It's...it's actually a really nice song about friendship turning into love. It's actually quite sweet.

Lily: I no longer feel alone

Todd: And...what is T-Pain...

T-Pain: ...kinda horny

Todd: What is T-Pain doing with this?

T-Pain: Cause you've been waiting on me since I said that I was hittin' the club Something coming up on me And I know you be getting so horny

Todd (VO): Okay, I am...gathering that T-Pain is not using this song in its original context of the sweet anticipation of a new relationship. But...

Todd: you know, that's okay, right? Recontextualization is what makes sampling more than just stealing, like that Eminem song, "Stan".

Video for Eminem ft. Dido - "Stan" Dido: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why

Todd (VO): You remember that. That took this song...

Brief clip of Dido - "Thank You" Dido: I want to thank you

Todd: ...and then turned it into this song.

Eminem: Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me

Todd (VO): It totally worked because he changed the meaning of the sample by having it be about an obsessed fan rather than a lovestruck British girl.

Todd: And...and so it is here with T-Pain, he's... This is actually really clever in the way he changed the meaning of the original song to be about a girl waiting for T-Pain to come home from the club. Listen.

Lily: It's 5 o'clock in the morning T-Pain: Girl Lily: Conversation got boring T-Pain: Talk to me girl Lily: You said you're goin' to bed soon T-Pain: Let's go Lily: So I snuck off to your bedroom T-Pain: Come on Lily: And I thought I'd just wait there T-Pain: Wait on me Lily: Until I heard you come up the stairs

Todd: No it doesn't! No...

Todd (VO): ...it doesn't change the meaning of the song at all! It's...it's...it's still just obviously what it is. It doesn't fit. Like, I could listen to this song a hundred times in a billion different contexts, and it would never be about her waiting patiently for some sweet, sweet honey-dip love from T-Pain!

Todd: Like...T-Pain doesn't get what this original song is about or the tone of it or what's going on at all!

Todd (VO): It even doesn't work just because of basic logic.

Lily: Conversation got boring

Todd (VO): What conversation got boring? He's not there. He's at the club. Who was she talking to? I can only assume this poor, neglected woman was talking to a wall all alone while she waits for this guy until goddamn 5:00 AM!

T-Pain and Lily: It's 5 o'clock in the morning Conversation got boring

Todd (VO): No, don't sing the chorus with her, dude! That makes even less sense!

Todd: Like T-Pain hasn't...bothered to listen to this. He's just robotically defecating on a decent song.

Todd (VO): I think T-Pain must have very limited processing abilities. He just...doesn't have the ability to understand things beyond his very limited scope of experiences.

Todd: I mean, God help us if he gets his hands on any other decent songs.

Video for No Doubt - "Don't Speak" Gwen: Don't speak Todd (as T-Pain): No speakin' Gwen: I know what you're thinkin' Todd (as T-Pain): You know I'm thinkin about makin' love

Video for The Fugees - "Killing Me Softly" Lauryn Hill: Killing me softly with his song Todd (as T-Pain): I'll be killing her softly in the bedroom

This video Gayle Peevey: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas Todd (as T-Pain): By "hippopotamus" she means she wants my dick

Todd: Ugh.

T-Pain: Cause I keep checking my cell phone And these missed calls You texting me like I'm a kill y'all

Todd (VO): I mean, if the bizarre choice of sampling were the only thing that was wrong with this, that'd be one thing. But on top of everything else, it's just a very...gross...not very nice song. T-Pain sounds really stupid and like a douchebag in this. He's out clubbing, he didn't even invite his girl to come along; she wants to get laid and he's like, "yeah, I'll get to it when I get to it."

Todd: Seriously, it's just degrading for the girl and...

Todd (VO): ...it just makes it more painful that the girl is someone as intelligent and understated as Lily Allen, and the guy is such an unworthy jerk-off; and you have to think about her just sitting around bored, waiting for him patiently.

T-Pain: And she'll be waiting on me naked With one of my chains on

Todd: Okay, uh...

T-Pain: And she'll be waiting on me naked With one of my chains on

Todd (VO): As far as imagery goes, you can't really go wrong with a naked woman, I guess. But I'm not sure how sexy it is that she's wearing one of T-Pain's [picture of him wearing BIG ASS CHAIN] giant, gaudy, ugly chains.

Todd: Unless that's not the kind of chain we're talking about here. [Poster of Black Snake Moan, with Christina Ricci on a chain] Yeah, let's hope not.

Lily: Conversation got boring T-Pain: Talk to me girl

Todd (VO): You want her to talk to you, try answering her damn calls!

Todd: Look, I understand the need to party. I get it. I am not a stranger to partying 'til the break of dawn.

Todd (playing video game): Feeding the W, +9 to my karma.

Todd: But at the same time, just out of respect, when a girl booty-calls you, you don't leave her hanging 'til the freakin' sun starts rising! But...

Todd (VO): ...I guess you can't really expect more from T-Pain; he just does what he does.

T-Pain: I can hear your voice in my head like "What is he doing? Oh what is he doing?"

Todd (VO): "What is he doing?" Well, he's not volunteering at the local homeless shelter.

Todd: You're T-Pain, dude. I think she knows what you're doing—you're out partying. I mean, I'm sure you got good reasons for what's taking you so long.

T-Pain: And these females got me stalling

Todd: Come on, dude. I'm trying to work with you here.

T-Pain: You ain't got to remind me

Todd: No, I think she does.

T-Pain: We do this every night And then we always wake up singing the same song

Todd: No, I don't think you are singing the same song. And even if you are, you won't be doing it for long. I mean, I'm sure you're a nice guy, T-Pain, but there are other [picture of Bender] rich, talented robots out there. Ah, this is dumb. Fortunately, we've got an awesome guest rapper to improve this. A talented young man by the name of...ah, I can't even finish that.

Wiz Khalifa: You ain't got nothing on But the t-shirt that I...

Todd: This is Wiz Khalifa.

Clip of video for "Black and Yellow" Wiz Khalifa: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow

Todd: He did a song a while back that I reviewed.

Wiz: Too many thirsty girls up in this club for me to Leave here with one of them

Todd: He's not very good.

Wiz: right at home waiting for me iPhone plugged in the wall, just waiting for me

Todd: He contributes nothing.

Todd (VO): I'll just spare you. In case you got distracted by T-Pain having an actual personality, Wiz here dispenses with that and just tells you straight up: I blew this girl off until it was so late, she was half-asleep when I came, and I started humping her anyway.

Wiz: ...but I've been drinking all night and I feel like performing And when we finish you like "damn, babe you woke me up"

Todd just looks

Todd (VO): Please tell me she was awake before you started doing things to her, Wiz. Ugh, I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.

Todd: You know what this song reminds me the most of?

Clip of Jason Derulo - "Whatcha Say"

Todd (VO): Mostly it reminds me of Jason Derulo's "Whatcha Say", a song that sampled Imogen Heap, and which I really loathed. I mean, I kinda feel like T-Pain listened to it and was like, "huh, you took a sample from a British indie pop chick and completely missed the point? Well, I will do the same thing and miss the point even harder!"

Todd: But while I despise "Whatcha Say", "5 O'Clock" never really evokes a reaction from me other than, [picture of man scratching head] "huh?"

Todd (VO): I mean, I think I oughta be offended, but I'm not. It's just a bizarre curiosity that isn't as bad as much as it just fails to provide me with a reason why it should even exist. Like, I think the worst thing it does is force me to buy the idea that T-Pain is this completely irresistible guy that I should emulate.

Todd: If I ever tried it, I'm sure it would end differently.

Todd (as T-Pain): 5 o'clock in the morning And I'm in deep crap So sorry, baby, I can explain Please don't make me sleep upon the couch I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out.

T-Pain and Lily: It's 5 o'clock in the morning

Closing tag song: Styx - "Mr. Roboto"

''THE END "5 O'Clock" is owned by RCA Records This video is owned by me''

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