15

Ask ThatGuy Episode 15 (August 9, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, nuqneH! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: Once I saw a blind woman at the subway wearing a watch. How come she's wearing a watch if she can't see?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The reason is that she can see. She is a liar. You must report her to authorities at once. It is a federal crime to pretend that you are blind when really you’re not. I should know I have tried it many, many times. Oh sure, people treat you better. You get to wear the cool shades. And your watch dog can bite people and everybody’s like who cares, he’s a watch dog. But it simply isn’t worth it. I tell a lie, it’s incredibly worth it. Just don’t get caught. If you’re going to have a digital watch make sure it’s just braille or something. And that way no one will question you. And you can get away with murder. I know because my watch dog murdered somebody. But nobody cared, he’s a watch dog. And I was blind. Either that or you can poke your eyes out. Extraordinary!

Narrator: Is it actually possible to sweat Gatorade?

ThatGuy: Only if it is possible to piss Gatorade. I drank so much Hawaiian Punch Gatorade once that my urine turned red. For a moment I thought I was pissing blood. But I wasn’t. It was Gatorade! Because of that I pissed all sorts of different colors; blue, purple, green. I’m a little concerned recently because my urine has recently turned plaid. But I don’t think that’s anything to worry about. [makes a worried face]

Narrator: Are you gay?

ThatGuy: No. I’m German.

Narrator: What is the most effective way to kill a Furby?

ThatGuy: I would say stop feeding it and slowly starve it to death. That way you can watch in indescribable delight as your Furby’s eye slowly start to close. The best ones actually start open the whole time. That way you can see them as they slowly fade away. For you see Furbies actually do have souls. And there’s nothing more fun then knowing you have the control over that soul. And the pleasure of watching something die! So I urge you, don’t feed your Furby. Watch it waste away into nothingness. Anyone can just give life but it takes a real man to destroy it. And you will know true power. That or you can just take out its batteries, either way works.

Narrator: I think I do not exist and I think I came from my imagination. What should I do?

ThatGuy: Well this is one of those deep philosophical questions that everybody likes to ask. Are you the dreamer or a figment of someone else’s dream? I personally think it’s a stupid argument and you should be ashamed for thinking about it. I mean, what kind of idiot actually thinks they’re just the figment of someone else’s dream. What are you, retarded? I don’t say this often but you’re wrong and I am right. I mean, suppose I was the figment of someone else’s dream and the dreamer out there was a actually a good, rational with [makes a sound of disgust] a conscious. I mean, wouldn’t he had gotten rid of me a long time ago. I mean, wouldn’t he actually have the decently to get rid of such concentrated evil like me. No! No! Because there is no dreamer and evil always wins. Thus showing that there is no good in the world and evil is always rewarded. That’s the way it is and that’s the way I always… [ThatGuy vanishes in thin air]

The End