Imma Be

(Todd plays "Imma Be" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: BLACK EYED PEAS - "IMMA BE" A pop song review)

Todd: A few months back when I was still on YouTube, I released my list of my favorite pop songs on 2009.

Video dated January 17, 2010

Todd: I don't make these videos because I hate pop music. I do it because I love pop music.

Todd (VO): I did that and it was a little controversial because you're not supposed to say you like things on the Internet.

Todd: Especially not the things I said I like. Among other things, I had not one, but two Black Eyed Peas songs on that list, and I took some flak for it. You know what? They're my picks, I stand by them, I like those songs. But let me say that I get it, all right? I get it.

Video of the Black Eyed Peas performing "Let's Get Retarded" (they're not singing "Let's Get It Started" in this particular video)

Todd (VO): The Black Eyed Peas are idiots, all of them. If one's stupidity had a name, [Poster shows with names appearing when called] it would be will.i.am, Fergie,...the other two guys. [apl.de.ap is renamed Pras and Taboo is renamed Andrew Ridgeley] They're complete idiots, all of them. There are pop stars out there who are stupider, I guess...

Todd: ...but few who are this aggressive about it. I mean, even on the songs I like by them, their lyrics are beyond asinine. I mean, there's not much to say about a group who can release a song called "Let's Get Retarded" and have that have some of the strongest writing of their careers. And so as a reviewer of stupid hit songs, I'm pretty much contractually obligated to take a look at their next song, "Imma Be". And it's...well, I'll say this—this is not the worst Black Eyed Peas song I've ever heard. The band that recorded "My Humps" is not gonna dig that hole any deeper, you get me. But it's still j... Let's take a listen, let's take a listen.

Video for "Imma Be" starts

Todd (VO): We start the video with will.i.am presenting a new device for the recording studio.

will.i.am: This is what's gonna take the Peas into 3008...

Todd: Stop saying that.

will.i.am: When it's time to make a new song, I just type in the lyrics and then this thing sings it.

Todd (VO): This device apparently simulates the voices of the singers, allowing will.i.am to completely automate the recording process.

Fergie: You're saying a machine can do anything an artist ("Artist") or a group can do. Yeah, but it's not real, will...

Todd (VO): However, this new possibility is harshly received by Fergie, because God knows there's no stronger defender of organic music than Fergie Ferg.

Todd: I mean, I think we've all listened to her acoustic album.

Screen shot of Fergie's solo album with "unplugged" on it

Fergie: My hump, my hump, my hump My hump, my hump, my hump My lovely lady lumps

Back to video

Fergie: We're not robots!

will.i.am: Well, nobody said robots...

Todd (VO): Angered, Fergie storms out, crashes her motorcycle, and suffers the head injury that presumably inspired this song. Let's take a listen.

Peas: Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be

Todd: Well, we might as well start out with the very, very, very obvious.

Song plays with the Bumblebee Man from "The Simpsons", a commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios, stock footage of bees, and a video for "No Rain" by Blind Melon, with the lyrics printed saying "I'm a bee! I'm a bee! I'm a I'm a I'm a bee!"

Todd (VO): Yeah, I'm under no impression that this is some kind of clever observation on my part. It's not clever because everyone has thought the same thing.

Todd: I'm thinkin' it, you're thinkin' it, [Picture of Joe Biden with thought bubble "I'm a bee??"] Vice President Biden's thinkin' it, we're all thinkin' it because it's simply what they're saying. This is the only possible way to interpret what they're saying.

Todd (VO): They're saying that they're bees. They're telling us that they're big buzzing bees!

Todd: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Clip from "The Wicker Man"

Nicolas Cage: Oh, not the bees! Not the bees! AAAHHHHHH!!!

Todd: There's even a bee on the cover of the single, [Cover of single has a bee with a two-prong plug where the stinger should be] which I guess is because they didn't have room for a giant sign that said, [partially cut-out sign appears reading] "Yes, we did know better, but we did it anyway."

Todd (VO): We would not be having this confusion if they added some kind of predicate or, you know, anything else to that ungrammatical incomplete phrase.

Todd: But it's just those two words repeated endlessly until the end of time. And the Black Eyed Peas are not the only offenders in this regard either. ''[Two short clips of videos with repeated phrases. I don't know what they are--please help]'' Man, I don't know how we got to the point where the easiest path to a hit song is just to hit you with two or three stupid words over and over and over again until you hemorrhage. I mean, didn't we use to force songwriters to write a hook of some kind?! This isn't a song, it's a YTMND!

Sean Connery: ["You're the man now dog.com, on screen shot of himself repeating] You're the man now, dog! You're the man now, dog! You're the man now, dog!

Todd (VO): Why is it like this? Is the song broken?

Todd: You wanna know how many times they repeat the phrase "Imma be" in this song? No, seriously, guess. And we're only counting, like, full repetitions here, not, like, the half-repetitions like, "Imma-Imma-Imma be". Just "Imma be", those two words repeated how many times? 106. (106 times.) And you have to understand, this was a #1 hit song. To get that popular, you have to...the average pop station plays this, like, 18 times a day (18 plays/day). So, you know, combine all that together times the five months I've been hearing this song (106 x 18 times/day x 5 months), plus the amount of times I made myself re-listen to this song (+ relistening) to write this review, plus the amount of times I'm gonna hear this song again while I re-edit this review (+ re-editing). All that means that by the end of this, when all is said and done, I will have heard the phrase "Imma be" infinity times five times (infinity x 5), conservatively estimated.

Peas: Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be Imma be, imma be - imma imma imma be

Todd (VO): Oh, and I love that little blast of trumpets at the end of this, as if someone had said something interesting just now.

Todd: Instead it's just like "TA-DAA!!! We've wasted your time!"

Todd (VO): To be fair, there are more lyrics than just "Imma be" in this song. I mean, not good lyrics, mind you, but other lyrics.

Fergie: Imma be on the next level Imma be rockin over that bass treble

will.i.am: Imma be the upgraded new negro Imma be the average brother with soul

Todd: Good for you? I mean, look. "I Gotta Feeling", I liked for a number of reasons. I guess the main one's just the whole mood of the thing. I mean, "I Gotta Feeling" is a party everyone's invited to. Now "Imma Be", on the other hand, is not a party you're invited to, not that you'd wanna go if you were. The second that the Peas start bragging about themselves, I tune out. I just don't wanna hear it. I mean, if they were clever or charismatic about it, that'd be one thing. But...eeehhh?

Fergie: Imma imma swing it this way, (imma imma) imma imma swing it that way

Todd: Okay?

Fergie: Okay! Imma be up in them A-list flicks Doin' one-handed flips, and imma be sippin on drinks

Todd: What do you want, a medal? I mean, what am I supposed to do with the information that Fergie plans to launch a career in...filmed acrobatics? Oh, and by the way, judging from what I saw at the beginning of the video, I would not count on that acting career taking off.

Fergie: We're not robots!

Todd (VO): Are you sure?

Fergie: Imma be the flyest chick (so fly) Imma be spreadin my wings

Todd: Wait, what?! Ugh, I'm skipping that.

will.i.am: ...be in Reo rockin Tokyo Imma be brilliant with my millions Loanin out a billion, I get back a trillion

Todd: Wow. Rhyming million with billion, and then trillion. They're not even trying. So it is at this point that I'd like to announce the return of America's favorite game... [Plays fanfare] FINISH THE RHYME! Yes, yes, I have never been more ready for this. I am so pumped. Let's do this!

will.i.am: Imma be a brother, but my name ain’t Lehman Imma be a bank I be loanin' out ____

Todd: Oh, I...I don't know. I, uh...could be uh...this is tough. This is...freemen? G-men? Um...see...oh, no. No, no, no,

will.i.am: [as Todd keeps saying "No"] Imma be a brother, but my name ain’t Lehman Imma be a bank I be loanin' out semen

Todd covers his head and screams

Todd: Why did that just happen?!

Todd (VO): Did he just compare himself to a sperm bank?!

Todd: Why did he think that anyone wanted to hear that?! And does he realize that people also deposit sperm into sperm bank?! (Analogy backfire) And then, out of nowhere

will.i.am: Imma be up in the club

Todd (VO): It turns into a completely different song. Entirely...different song. And, uh, it's unexpected and it's, uh...

will.i.am: Imma be rockin like this

Todd (VO): I'll be honest, it surprisingly well-executed. I'm sure not gonna complain about it. By all means, let's get a different song in here. Anything else.

Todd: If I heard one more droning repetition of "Imma be", I was gonna shoot myself or something

Peas: Imma be, Imma be, Imma be, Imma be

Todd screams in horror, puts a gun to his head, then under his chin, in his mouth, and shoots, but nothing happens

Todd: This is not a real gun.

will.i.am: Why don't you put it on the blog? Rockin like this my job

Todd: Sure, let me get right on that. [Pulls out a keyboard and types] Dear LiveJournal: Rockin like this his job! (Happy?)

will.i.am: We can’t help that we popular And all these folks want to flock to us

NOT A RHYME

Todd: Yeah, you know what? I'll give you that one. It is not your fault that you're popular. That's society's fault.

Peas: Imma be livin that good life Imma be livin that good good

Todd (VO): You know, this part of the song is still better than the first part. It's got more energy, an actual chorus. Yeah, good thing we only gave it the last 20% of the song!

Todd: It's also basically an admission that they had two song concepts that weren't strong enough to stand on their own, so they jammed them both together.

Todd (VO): On top of that, for the video, they actually jammed another song onto it because they couldn't let this stupid, stupid robot concept go to waste. Uh, this one is called "Rock That Body". I'm not sure why it exists except to give them a chance to bust out their Destro and Sarah Palin costumes. Uh, I haven't had this song hammered into me for five months, so I don't actually know anything about it.

will.i.am: I wanna rock, I wanna rock yo body I wanna go, I wanna go for a ride

Todd (VO): You know, this is... this is not so bad. This is a...

Fergie: [autotuned] Rock ya body, come on come on

Todd (VO): Okay, we're done

Todd: I don't know what else to say about this song. It's repetitive, it's inane, and it's basically a stunning testament to the fact that the Black Eyed Peas have nothing at all to communicate with the world. I mean, is this really the message that they wanted to share with everyone when they got into music? I can't imagine. So let's just check back in with Fergie, who's apparently after her accident because she absorbed all the damage with her head.

will.i.am: What happened?

Fergie: I got the greatest idea for a video.

Todd: And a terrible idea for a song. [Snaps fingers] Thank you, good night!

Closing tag song: Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov - "Flight of the Bumblebee"

Todd: Hey, true story—Nic Cage was actually shouting "Not the Peas!" He can't take the Black Eyed Peas anymore either.

Nicolas Cage: [against "Boom Boom Pow"] Oh, not the bees! Not the bees! AAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!