Beauty and the Beast Part 3 (With Some Jerk with a Camera!) - Brows Held High

(We open with the opening for “The West Wing,” then cut to footage of Disney’s "Beauty and the Beast”)

Narrator: Previously on “The West Wing.”

Disney Belle: What’s in the west wing?

Disney Beast: IT”S FORBIDDEN!

Narrator: And now, Furries.

(Cut to Cocteau’s “Beauty and the Beast,” near the end)

Beast: My true riches are in my pavilion. And one can only enter with a golden key. (He then hands a golden key to Belle.) Here it is, Belle.

Some Jerk With A Camera (v/o): So, does every version of “Beauty and the Beast,” have Beast win Belle over by giving her stuff?

Kyle Kallgren (v/o): It’s a fairytale. The text here is also subtext, it’s a symbolic act of trust. The Beast is giving her the key to his safe and all his material wealth. Frankly, it’s still a bigger gesture of trust and respect than just showing her where the library is.

Jerk (v/o): (Sarcastically) Yeah, cause women only want money and not respect or culture or a genuine interest in their personality, blah, blah, blah!

Kyle (v/o): Ok, fair enough.

(Continuing from giving Belle the key.)

Beast: If you do not return, I will die.

Jerk (v/o): (Feels awkward) Uh, step 2?

(Cut to Jerk and Kyle at Disneyland, eating cotton candy again)

Jerk: (Serious tone) Child logic!?!

Kyle: (Nonchalantly with a mouthful of cotton candy) Child logic.

Beast: You have only to put this glove on your right hand (Beast hands Belle a fancy glove) and you will be transported wherever you wish.

Jerk (v/o): Wait, didn’t she get there by horse?

Kyle (v/o): Well, what about the horse?

Jerk (v/o):  Tell you what, I’ll refrain from making a Nintendo Power Glove joke if you tell me why she can’t just go home on the horse she rode in on!?!

Kyle (v/o): (Unsure) Um, the…the…the glove is more magical and the glove cause this to happen.

(Belle [now in a fancy dress and covered in jewelry, the Beast gave her] puts on the glove and disappears; she then reappears coming out of a wall on her family’s house. The sound of a bunch of people gaping at this is heard, but it’s not from any of the characters in the films.)

Jerk (v/o): (unimpressed) The movie just gasped at itself…because art(?)

(Cut to “Blood of a Poet”)

Kyle (v/o): Because it’s a direct reference to this scene in “Blood of a Poet.”

(The main character of the film, The Poet, goes through a mirror like it were water and the sound of people gasping is heard there too.)

Jerk (v/o): So, Cocteau just quoted himself? Man, I wasn’t kidding when I called him self-indulgent! You go, me!

Kyle (v/o): Well, what’s wrong with trying to make a cohesive body of work? It’s a motif, not a meme!

Jerk as Belle: I love the birthing wall, it’s so bad!

Kyle (v/o): (annoyed) That was a meme.

Jerk (v/o): (we barely hear him, like he’s shouting from another room.) DEAL WITH IT!

Kyle (v/o): Oh, have a heart; this is a lovely moment we’re coming up to!

(Belle goes to her Father’s side, he’s sick in bed.)

Belle: Father, that monster (Beast) is good.

(She sheds a tear that turns into a small diamond in his hand.)

Belle’s Father: My Heavens! A Diamond!

Jerk (v/o): Is she actually crying diamonds!?!

Belle’s Father: These diamonds could be the devil’s work.

Belle: Put your mind at ease, Father. They are yours to keep.

Jerk as Belle’s Father: This is all Satan’s fault!

Jerk as Belle: It’s ok, you can keep them.

Jerk as Belle’s Father: Awesome!

Kyle (v/o); Come on, that’s a lovely little gesture!

Jerk (v/o): What is she going to use the tear diamonds to buy some blood diamonds and then save up for sweat diamonds so she can form a band?

Kyle (v/o): (Silent for a few seconds,) Oh, oh, now I get it!

Jerk (v/o): It’s a joke you have to think about, I know.

Kyle (v/o): Anyway, her riches are gifts to her from The Beast, which symbolize what she’s gained emotionally from their relationship, which is why this happens.

(Belle gives her pearl necklace The Beast gave her, to her sister, Felicie. When Felicie grabs them, they turn into dirty twisted, rags. Surprised by this, she drops them and they turn back into a pearl necklace.)

Jerk (v/o): Ok, that was cool!

(Belle’s father puts the necklace back on Belle)

Belle’s Father: The Beast meant it for you alone.

Kyle (v/o): Another metaphor; because the sisters are shallow and selfish, they can only see The Beast’s grace as ugly and monstrous. The Same thing happens when she tries to use the mirror.

(Felicie, looks into the magic mirror, her reflection is that of a monkey)

Jerk: (Exited) Monkey!

Kyle: (Sarcastically) Oh, joy.

Jerk (v/o): And is that the same sister who said she wanted a monkey? Jerk: Oh my god, this movie is deep! I’m sorry I ever doubted you, “art movie man.”
 * I’ve checked the script for the French film; it is the same sister who wanted a monkey.

Kyle: Good, I finally taught you culture!

Jerk: (To himself) It wasn’t Beauty, It was monkey killed the Beast!

Kyle (v/o): (Annoyed) MOVING ON! The sisters ask Avenant and Belle’s brother (Ludovic) to use Magnifique (The family’s horse) to ride to the castle and steal The Beast’s treasure.

Jerk (v/o): Steal treasure which they know from first hand experience, they cannot use(?)

Kyle (v/o): (Unsure) Uhhhh, yeah, ok, fine. Now, the scene where Belle reunites with the Beast is intercut with the men breaking into the Beast’s vault of treasures and it’s one of my favorite scenes from the film and a beautiful spin on the original story’s and…

Jerk (v/o): (Interrupts, laughing) I’m sorry, the Beast’s face is the most hilarious death mask I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen some damn funny ones.

(The Beast’s dying face does look silly)

Jerk as Belle: Oh my Beast, I’m so sorry I left you!

Jerk as Beast: Dur!

Kyle (v/o): (Angry) MOVING ON! As The Beast lays dying and Avenant breaks into the vault, something incredible happens.

Jerk (v/o): I don’t know, I don’t think anything can beat that derp face… uh?

(As Ludovic lowers Avenant into the vault from a skylight, a statue of an archer comes to life and shoots Avenant in the back. Avenant then transforms, looking like the Beast, but still in his clothes. Frightened, Ludovic drops him to the ground. Meanwhile, Belle walks back from the Beast’s body.)

Belle: Where is the Beast?

(The Beast, stands up [or really a reverse shot of him falling] and bows, now human looking like Avenant, but still in his fancy clothes. He is now called the prince.)

Prince: He is no more. It was I, Belle.

Jerk (v/o): (Surprised) WHAAAAAAAAT!

(Cut back to Jerk and Kyle with cotton candy)

Kyle: Child Logi-

Jerk: (interrupts, angry) If you say “Child Logic,” I swear to god I will give the nearest child an un-anaesthetized lobotomy!

Jerk (v/o): (Angry) Seriously, what the shit just happened!

Prince: My parents didn’t believe in magic spirits, so the spirits took their revenge on me.

Jerk (v/o): Can the spirits come back and explain how the fuck that curse works?

Belle: But you look like someone I used to know.

Jerk: No, shit! Was the Prince Avenant the whole time? Did that arrow have magic body switching powers? Did they both die at the same time and Quantum Leap into each other? Did they both hold a fortune cookie or some bullshit and wish they could be each other’s person for the…(Gets frustrated, can’t find coherent words, so he screams) AHH!

(Cut to Jerk at Disneyland with Spazz Master and TricksterBell)

Jerk: Wait a minute, wait a minute! I’ve got to try an experiment.

(He shoots the 2 of them with toy orange and green guns. TricksterBell pops up, but has Spazz’s voice.)

Spazz/Belle: I’m ok!

(Cut back to the ’46 film)

Prince: Are you happy?

Belle: I’ll have to get used to it.

Jerk (v/o): Man, even Belle doesn’t know what the fuck just happened! He’s just rushing by without us!

Prince: Off we go.

Jerk (v/o): (Angry) Hey, you can’t just leave without an explanation, I demand answers! (Prince and Belle then fly off [really a reverse shot of them falling].) Wha- Don’t get raptured now! I refuse to get left behind with Kirk Cameron or Nicholas Cage! (They fly and kiss among the clouds) Hey, you! Get off of that cloud! I am the audience, you are the movie, I outrank you! Explain yourselves! EXPLAIN!

Kyle: Whoa, whoa, chill out, I got this.

Kyle (v/o): Cocteau had Jean Marais play the Beast and Avenant for a very good reason. Belle’s love has always been for the same man. In the original story, as Belle slept in The Beast’s castle, she dreamt of a handsome prince asking her why she could not love The Beast. Of course, she was dreaming of The Beast in his human form. Here (The ’46 film), it takes the form of the man she didn’t know she loved. The ideal surrealist story, the subconscious made real, in Disney terms: A dream is a wish your heart makes. And the way that the wish comes true comes once again from Cocteau’s interest in classical myth and a very different “Beauty and the Beast” story: Diana and Actaeon. In Ovid’s “Metamorphesis,” a man named Actaeon spy Diana, goddess of the hunt, bathing in a stream. She saw him and as punishment for trespassing, turned him into a stag. Remember how I said that the Beast was originally going to be more deer like than cat like? That was why. Combining that myth with the ending of “La Belle Et La Bette,” creates a complex metaphor for how love, the symbolic beauty, can both create beasts and save them, which is explicitly stated in the movie.

(Before the end of the film)

Prince: Love can turn a man into a beast. But love can also make an ugly man handsome.

(Cut back to Disneyland)

Kyle: And so, “La Belle” reveals both Beauty and Beast. So, those are my thoughts! Uh, Jerk, what do you think?

Jerk: (Scratching chin) Well, it’s not just that this film has a monkey, it’s that it doesn’t overuse the monkey, a potent lesson for filmmakers everywhere!

Kyle: (Angry) WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

(Music for the song “Something There” from Disney’s “Beauty and The Beast plays”

Jerk: (Gets angry too) Alright, you want my real opinion? Here’s my real opinion:

Jerk (v/o): I enjoyed some of Cocteau’s unconventional “Cocteau-ean” stylistic flourishes and individual bits of dialogue, but some things are conventional for a reason because they work! (Sings)

When Jean’s film ends

I just feel numb

He undercut the transformation, made it dumb

But Disney made

That end sublime

A worthy tribute to the tale as old as time!

(Back to speaking) I know we’re supposed to view this (The ’46 film) through the mind of a child, but is that not just an excuse for last writing? Cocteau’s Belle was well played, but not particularly well written, Cocteau’s Beast was well written but not particularly well played and the relationship between them just isn’t as believable as Disney’s (“Beauty and the Beast”). All he’s offering her is material stuff!

Kyle (v/o): He did that in the Disney film too.

Jerk (v/o):  Yeah, but here (The ’46 film) it’s all he’s offering her, aside from not eating her alive.

(Cut to Kyle and Jerk in front of statues of Disney’s Belle, Beast, and Lumiere made from Legos)

Jerk: (singing)

In Cocteau’s film

The lady Belle

Just out of pity for the Beast, in love she fell

In Disney’s film

They grew and learned

And thus, the love between La Belle and Beast was EARNED.

Kyle: You’re taking this way too literally! Cocteau’s film isn’t just beast meets girl, it’s a journey into the greater subconscious! And that‘s something you don’t see in Hollywood, where even the biggest films have all these arbitrary rules, silly as those rules are.

Jerk: You’re saying Hollywood doesn’t have enough plot holes?

Kyle: I’m saying they like to pretend they don’t exist!

Kyle (v/o): (Singing)

The blending thoughts have

The dueling fears

It’s not about the people, it’s about ideas!

The dream of life

Before you wake

It’s fiction calling itself fiction, give or take

Jerk (v/o):  (singing)

Whyyyyyy would they steal a treasure

That would turn to dog shit in their hands?

Kyle (v/o): (Singing)

Tryyyyyyy to look past mere pleasure

See, they symbolize short-sighted greed, and its demands

Jerk: (Singing)

I'm very lost

Kyle: (Singing)

I know you are

Jerk: (Singing)

The plot has holes

Kyle: (Singing)

Just try to think

Jerk: (Singing)

She's crying diamonds - is her head made out of coal?

Kyle: (Singing)

You just don't get it…

Both: (Singing)

This brilliant/stupid film is not/such a chore

Kyle: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more

Jerk: I get eight hours of that for free each time I snore

Kyle: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more...

(The music starts to die down)

Jerk (v/o): On the other hand, your version had a monkey.

Jerk: Let’s call it a draw!

(This really upsets Kyle)

Kyle (v/o) OK, SERIOUSLY, CUT THE MUSIC! THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS PISSED ME OFF FOR A LONG ASS TIME! A story isn’t a one-to-one reflection of human behavior; it’s a chemical reaction that happens when you mix one idea of humanity with another idea humanity and that’s what Cocteau’s film is! Of course it’s tough to accept the fuzzy dream logic: You’re in your home, but it’s also a Castle! You’re wearing rags one moment and in the next moment you’re wearing jewels and satin! A beast gives you jewels and treasures, but he’s also giving you trust and friendship! The man is your suitor, but he’s also a beast, because you both fear and love him, pity and respect him! It’s using metaphor for as text, not subtext! And that’s a way to tell a story that no one uses any more and the cinema is poorer for it!

Jerk (v/o): (insulted) Are we? Look, I’m all for absurd random weirdness for the sake of a joke, that’s why I love the monkey so much. But if you’re trying to actually make a point about something, why would you want to confuse people and muddy that point? Say what you will, I sincerely believe understanding what an audience would want to see is tremendously underrated as an art form in of itself. If there were a precise formula to make everyone love a film, then everyone would employ it every time. Even the directors of Disney’s “Beauty and The Beast” (Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise) are only 1 for 3 in that arena (The 2 other films they directed is “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”). It’s a matter of balancing what you want to tell the audience and what they, without even knowing it, want you to say.

Kyle: But that’s the problem! Hollywood films only say what they think you want them to say. That’s not artistry, that’s flattery!

Kyle (v/o): Everything they do is a calculated reaffirmation of the status quo to avoid offending any focus groups and that makes you feel good for 2 hours! (Angry) Fine, nothing lost, nothing gained. You leave the theater with the feeling of mild satisfaction like every other damn movie out there! Because you were speaking to a committee, not a person, real people have flaws and biases and ideas that don’t make sense, but committee? All those flaws are neatly airbrushed away!

Kyle: God dang it, when I watch a movie, I want to know that I’m talking to a human being!

Jerk: (Unsympathetic) Oh boo hoo! Another tortured artists wishing he so alone!

Jerk (v/o): Literally anyone can make a deeply personal film with enough money and resources (We see examples of films like that are: “Wish I Was Here,” “This Is 40,” and “The Room”), but I’d rather hear an artist talk to me than at me.

Kyle (v/o): Jean Cocteau is talking to you; you’re just not listening!

Jerk (v/o): I don’t speak French! What’s your reason not to listen!?!

Kyle (v/o): (Getting angrier) Yeah, why shouldn’t I listen to a multi-million dollar Pizza Hut commercial!?!

Jerk (v/o): (Getting Angrier) Why should I have to listen to a snobby amateur babble on about much it sucks to be him!?!

Kyle (v/o): (SHOUTS) PHILISTINE!

JERK (v/o): (Yells) FRAUD!

(Cut to the 2 of them face to face, inches apart, ready to fight)

Both: (shouts) WHY CAN’T YOU JUST…(they both realize what they were going to say) look past the surface.

(After realizing this, the 2 sit by the fountain they were near. Both now depressed at their actions.)

Kyle: Damn, maybe I do just like it because it’s French.

Jerk: Maybe I just like it because it’s Disney.

Kyle: There’s a reason it’s a tale as old as time, it teaches the most important lesson a child can learn: empathy, how to love the flawed.

Jerk: We’ve both been superficial, ignoring our own flaws and nitpicking the others.

Kyle: I’m sorry I’ve been a Beast.

Jerk: We’ve both been each other’s Beasts and our own Beauties.

Kyle: (Tries to be lighter) Hey, Disney’s version has heart in all the right places.

Jerk: (also lighter) And Cocteau’s film is creative in all the right ways

Kyle: (Holds out his hand) Agree to disagree?

Jerk: (Shakes his hand) Agreed. (The 2 then stand up) Well, that was fun!

Kyle: Very!

Jerk: So, um…I look forward to seeing this online and if you ever want to do another Disney sing-along, just let me know!

Kyle: Sure thing. (Confused) Um, Disney sing-alongs?

Jerk: Yeah, for…for someone who hates Disney, you’re really good at singing Disney songs!

Kyle: (Unsure) Thank you(?) (Mutters) I guess I was, yeah

Jerk: Yeah, Disney songs, 4 of them in fact, yeah!

Kyle: Um, I’m going to ride rides.

Jerk: Cool, (Waves goodbye) have fun for once in your life!

(A montage begins of Kyle through out the park, 1st heading to Disney Castle)

Kyle: (to a stranger next to him) This reminds me so much of Schloss Neushwanstein!

Stranger: Was that the bad guy from “Muppets: Most Wanted?”

(Kyle looks dumbfounded and leaves him. He then goes to a one of the stores and finds a “Beauty and the Beast” t-shirt that says: “It’s Hard To Be A Beauty When Mornings Are A Beast!” Kyle rolls his eyes at the pun. He then goes to the Sleeping Beauty carousel that plays the song, “Once Upon a Dream”)

Kyle: (To a middle aged woman, possibly a mother, next to him) You know, this is some of Tchaikovsky’s best work!

Woman: Don’t you know Lana Del Ray when you here it? ballet of “Sleeping Beauty,” it was adapted to with lyrics to the song, “Once Upon a Dream”, for the 1959 Disney film and Lana Del Ray did a cover of that song for “Maleficent.” (He leaves dumbfounded. After that, he looks at a glass stained window showing a world map of where Disney films take place. He then goes to a window where if you stand in the right place, it looks like you have mouse ears., it depressed him. He then walks in the parking lot with his head down, when a father comes up to him)
 * Tchaikovski wrote the music for the original

Father: Hey! (He punches Kyle so hard, he falls to the ground.) That’s for saying “Cock toe” (Cocteau) in front of my kids! Cock ain’t got no toes, idiot!

(Cut to black and then to Kyle knocking on Jerk’s hotel room door, Jerk opens the door, Kyle is out of breath. They both feel awkward)

Kyle: Hi.

Jerk: Hi.

Kyle: Can I step in?

Jerk: Sure, sure, yeah.

Kyle: Ok. (Takes a step into the room, under the door frame) I didn’t realize that I was singing Disney songs the whole time.

Jerk: Is that a fact?

Kyle: Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. I didn’t realize how ubiquitous it all was, you know? I realized how engrained it was. I spent the whole day at the park trying to sense of it and…I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. (Goes deeper into the room.) I mean, it’s not all bad that they stole a fairy tale! (Puts “Maleficent” and “Alice in Wonderland [2010]” on TV) I mean, they did “Sleeping Beauty” twice and “Alice and Wonderland,” twice. (We then see Jerk shocked by something on his phone) And they’re remaking “The Jungle Book” and “Cinderella” and…

Jerk: “Beauty and The Beast.”

Kyle: What?

(Jerk shows the “Variety” news post on his phone)

Jerk: They’re doing a live action “Beauty and the Beast” with Bill Condon, the director of “Twilight: Breaking Dawn!”

(Cut to a random vampire dressed similar to Dracula)

Vampire: Cardiac arrest! (He then falls down)

Kyle: (Shocked) How could they let this happen! (Runs to the window and grabs the curtains) WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN! (Cries, then back to anger) HOW COULD YOU HAVE SUCH BLIND DEVOTION TO A MOUSE!

Jerk: Well, I wouldn’t say “blind devotion,” I’d…

Kyle: The mouse infected us when we were children, brainwashed us all into zombies!

Jerk: NO! Well, yes, but…

(Music of “The Mob Song” from the Disney film plays)

Kyle: (Starting to sound crazy) We’re not safe until its ears are mounted my Facebook wall. I SAY WE KILL THE MOUSE! (Faces Jerk, who looks worried. Kyle closes the curtains making the room look dark. He starts to sing.)

We’ve been wasting all our lives

Throwing money to the wind

I’ve been spending my life savings buying all these stupid pins!

(Jerk sits on the bed scared)

I’ve been going into debt from shopping at the Disney Store!

Now it’s time to show resistance, folks - it’s TIME TO SAY NO MORE!

(Goes to a desk in the room getting knifes, toy guns, and mouse traps.)

There’s a monstrous conglomerate

It’s circling like a vulture

It won’t rest until all culture’s in its grip

They got Marvel and Star Wars and ABC and Muppets

And now even Maker Studios and Blip

Kenneth Grahame, A.A. Milne, P.L. Travers

All consumed and entombed in this house

When they’re done, call Tom Hanks

And they’ll “save Mr. Banks”

What a crock! CUT THE SCHLOCK!

Kill the mouse!

(He then stabs the mouse trap and settles on a green and orange toy rifle. We then cut to Ven Gethenian’s home, where she is laying on her couch, bored and depressed)

Ven: (Sighs) Well, my singing bit came and went. Nothing to do.

(Cut to Kyle heading back to the park with Jerk following, trying to stop him)

Kyle: (Singing)

We get stung when we’re young

And they keep us hooked until we die

It’s worse than the tobacco industry

Jerk: (Singing)

Come on Kyle! Give a smile!

Don’t you have a hashtag Disney Side?

Kyle: (Singing)

Why certainly! I spell it with a C!

(We the get example of bad things by Disney like “Song of the South,” The Indians in “Peter Pan,” and “Hannah Montana.”)

Yes the mouse is a rat, it’s a vermin

It’s the right parasite to delouse

Grab your torch, mount your hate

Time to EXTERMINATE!

(We then see a Dalek from “Doctor Who,” with Mickey mouse ears)

Make the rodent meet its fate!

(We then intercut between Jerk and Ven on the phone with each other)

Jerk: (To self) I though he was Belle and I was Gaston, (to phone) Yeah, Ven?

Ven: (Depressed) Yo.

Jerk: We have an emergency! He has gone “Oswald,” I repeat; He has gone “Oswald!”

Ven: “Oswald the Lucky Rabbit” or Lee Harvey Oswald?

Jerk: BOTH!

Ven: Can I sing?

Jerk: No

(Ven hangs up and flips the bird at the phone. Cut back to Kyle.)

Kyle: (Singing)

M-I-C, K-E-Y

Why? Because you ruin everything

And so assassination we espouse

Call Judge Doom, get some Dip

Make the rodent take a sip

And let producers back on Blip!

LET’S KILL THE MOUSE!!!

(Cut back to Ven at her home.)

Ven: Well, nothing to do, might as well surf IMDb. (The logo for IMDb is shown in lower left corner of the screen with the caption: “What you do instead of things!” Ven looks on her phone and finds a surprising news post that shocks her.) Putain de merde!

(Cut back to Disneyland where Kyle finds a place to aim at Mickey [or The Mickey character at the park])

Kyle: (Singing)

When you wish on a star

Mickey shows up in your living room

And buys your very soul like you were Faust!

It’s a trap! It’s a crime!

Mickey’s running out of time

We’re gonna clean up Anaheim

And kill the –

(We then incut between Kyle and ven)

Ven: (Interrupts) KYLE! (He stops aiming and looks at the camera) They remade “Beauty and the Beast!” (Kyle is confused by what she means) The French version! (This surprises Kyle. We then cut to the trailer for “La Belle et la Bete” [2014])

Ven (v/o): Yep, Vincent Cassel is Beast, Lea Seydoux is Belle, directed by…that guy who did the movie version of “Silent Hill” (Christophe Gans), but I won’t hold that against him, and it’s already come out in Europe. No idea if America will eve get to see it. But, there’s still that Warner Bros project with Emma Watson that Guillermo del Toro dropped out of that’s still going ahead and Disney’s doing some bullshit and whatever. But, Hey! A new version of ‘La Belle et la Bete!”
 * Emma Watson is actually playing Belle for the Disney Remake Directed by Bill Condon to be released March 17, 2017.

Ven: Isn’t that cool? A whole new generation growing up with that story!

Kyle: (Realizes and puts down the rifle, he’s now happier) This changes everything! (He leaves the frame)

Ven: (Confused) Kyle? (Sighs) You got me again!

(Kyle then finds Jerk at the park entrance)

Kyle: I was so wrong!

Jerk: The French can remake old stories just like the American can!

Kyle: Anyone can remake anything! And you know what, they should!

Jerk: It’s a tale as old as time!

Kyle: And stories gain power through their retelling!

Jerk: Disney doesn’t own "Beauty and the Beast!”

Kyle: Neither does Cocteau!

Both: Stories are owned by no one!

(The 2 laugh)

Kyle: I almost killed a fictional character.

Jerk: Almost!

(the 2 laugh again)

Kyle: With a wooden gun.

Jerk: A green gun.

Kyle: Green, yeah.

Jerk: I mean you could chroma key any color on, but its…

Kyle: Yeah. Da dida da! So, wanna end this in true Disney fashion, with a dance?

Jerk: Actually, lets end this en français!

(The 2 get ready to jump and fly like the Cocteau film. But…)

Kyle: Yeah, we can’t fly.

Jerk: Yeah, Disney ending?

Kyle: Sure. (To camera) Hey, Ven? (Ven looks up from laying on her couch, depressed) Want to sing the last song?

(This gives Ven a big smile! And so the Credits play as Ven sings in part of the screen as we also see pictures of what she sings to the Title song of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.”)

Ven: (Sings)

Vincent Cassel's film

David Pownall's play

Golan-Globus too

Tried to make it new

With Miss DeMornay

David Lister twice

Meat Loaf videos

Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Perlman comma Ron

Disney’s and Cocteau’s

(We then see Kyle waltzing with Jerk)

Jean Cocteau once said

And we say again

Film won’t be an art

‘Til they make its parts

Cheap as ink and pen!

David Bowie's song

Also Stevie Nicks

Books around the world

“Beastly” with that girl

From the “Spring Break” flick  (Vanessa Hudgens)

Films with Kevin James (Example shown is “Here Comes the Boom”)

Some Australian show

TV’s Kreuk and Ryan

Monday nights at nine (CW’s “Beauty and the Beast”)

Disney and Cocteau

Even the X-Men (Beast [Hank McCoy] and Carly)

It will never end

Disney and Cocteau!

Kyle: (Jokingly) Hey Ven, YOU SHALL NEVER SING IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!

(She Smiles)

(The End)