I Did It All For the Dookie

It starts outside the bar The Boggy Drink, where Chester A. Bum is asking for change. Inside, Lloyd (Brad Jones) is having a date with Glynis (Allison Pregler).

GLYNIS: Are you going to ask me anything or just sit and stir your drink some more?

LLOYD: Uh? Sorry, Glennis. I'm honestly a little more on my game when I drink. It seems the sugars seeped all the way to the bottom of my Manhattan so I'm trying to save some of it.

GLYNIS: Does sugar even come in a Manhattan?

LLOYD: It better, or my Secretary's been screwing them up for the past seven years!

GLYNIS:Why focus on the sugar, Lloyd? Isn't it the booze that should make you more on your game?

LLOYD: The sugar's to keep me alert the booze is just in case the date ends poorly. That way I can go directly home and pass out without thinking too hard about how I screwed up.

GLYNIS: I've got news for you the date is going poorly

LLOYD:you think if I yelled out "bartender I'll take another" that a laugh track will start playing?

GLYNIS: Why don't you try it and see? LLOYD: Bartender, I'll take another.

The laugh track plays before the pig bartender mutes a television.

LLOYD: Damn, you're right. Just sadness.

GLYNIS: That sugar kicking in yet?

LLOYD: Ok, I can think of a question. Um... what was your name again?

Title card for Lloyd

Office building, before cutting to the offices of Lloyd - Private Eye, as his secretary Chloe (Jillian Zurawski) talks.

CHLOE: Why you're so bad at dates Lloyd? you're private investigator you as people questions for a living.

LLOYD:yeah, I asked them questions about missing children, murdered relatives, cheating spouses. none of whom I want to sleep with at the end of the night.

CHLOE:huh, so somebody's already forgotten about the Russell widow.

LLOYD:that's different! it turned out that she killed her husband, so there was absolutely no grief on her part!

CHLOE: you know what your problem is? you're too much of a pushover. nothing rattles yet. you're easygoing, even-tempered. I don't think I've seen you get annoyed with anyone for more than 10 seconds.

LLOYD: This conversation is annoying me.

CHLOE: give it another second...

LLOYD:huh... did you have a nice weekend?

CHLOE: see what I mean? when that broad last night told you you weren't getting any did you put up a fight, did you make your case?

LLOYD:are you asking if I beat her?

CHLOE: what did you do when she turned you down?

LLOYD:I paid the check, I went home and slept at the foot of the bed with a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon.

CHLOE: you paid the whole check?

LLOYD: she had already left, i couldn't stiff the place. it's my favorite bar!

CHLOE: One of these, days you're gonna find someone who really pushes your buttons and you'll either have the best sex of your life or you'll end up shooting someone.

LLOYD: I'm praying for both. Send in my 1:30.

A horrible looking alien named Ziko (Sarah Lewis) enters.

ZIKO: Dookie! Dookie! Dookie!

LLOYD: what in the hell are you?

ZIKO: My name is Ziko, I come from beyond the stars.

LLOYD: welp I'm just discovered an alien [photographs Ziko]

ZIKO: I have lost my brother Dookie.

LLOYD: Is Dookie a real person or is your planet just extra close to their feces?

ZIKO: Please, I have nowhere else to turn! I've searched everywhere.


 * Ziko shouting "Dookie!" in Paris, New York - where Brad Tries: The Musical is playing, and there are ads for "Flaming Brian's Sauna Sauce" and "Revenge of The Big Box" - and a BDSM club where Catwoman hits him with her whip

ZIKO: Nowhere they helped me find Dookie.

LLOYD: you know what I believe you you scream that out so much that if your brother had been kidnapped they would have returned him just to shut you up where's the last place you saw your brother?

ZIKO: I believe it's what you people on earth call the Sahara Desert

LLOYD: Sahara, Africa?

ZIKO: Who is Africa? Do they have my Dookie? Dookie!

LLOYD: shut up shut up okay fine it's been a while since I walked where shaft in Africa walked and I'll find your brother Chloe I'm going to Africa.

Can you bring me back one of those weird foreign McDonald's burgers like a McRoyal deluxe or something?

LLOYD: I told you Chloe once the buying stops the killing stops.

not everything has tusks in it Lloyd

Cut to outside a building where text reads...

VOICEOVER: Railsback Medical Institute Oh 500 hours 20 miles outside the Sahara nothing important happening here

Lloyd and Ziko in a safari jeep.

LLOYD:What the hell building was that?

ZIKO: Perhaps the Railsback medical facility is where they're holding my Dookie

LLOYD:Didn't you hear nothing important was happening there no clue why they thought we'd care

How long til we find my Dookie?

LLOYD: It's gonna be really fast just so I can stop you from saying my Dookie. see that Chloe I an annoyed by this guy's ass for way longer than 10 seconds

Do you like me, Lloyd?

LLOYD:to be honest, Ziko, no I don't.

do you think my brother's still alive?

LLOYD: he's fine.

Vultures are circling Dookie (Sarah Lewis). An African boy, Tiki (Mathew Buck) is crying over him.

TIKI: Dookie you can't be dead r one friend it's me Tiki Kriegers got many adventures together you're going to take me to America and I was going to live with a lesbian movie stuff and you're going to show you a life story to someone looking for a quick ET rip off.

I can see Space Jesus

Noooooo! America, help us!

Suddenly, a savior, Captain Steve Railsback (Lewis Lovhaug) appears amidst an angelic choir.

RAILSBACK: I'm here to save you son

TIKI: Wow, Captain Steve Railsback!

RAILSBACK: Of the Railsback Medical Institute! yes I know we had nothing to do today so I thought it would stroll the Sahara thank God I found you we have several hydration machines we were simply gonna throw away I ...

Lloyd's jeep runs over Railsback.

LLOYD: Goddamn it, Ziko! I push the pedals, not you! I don't even know how you made me slide on sand. oh.

ZIKO: Dookie!

TIKI: Are you my new Dookie to take the place of the old Dukie?

LLOYD: No, his name is still Ziko! The dead one's name is getting really old really fast

ZIKO: you can't be dead, my brother!

TIKI: I know what can save us! America, help us!

LLOYD: Oh like that's really gonna...

"Hail to the Chief" plays as the president's seal is shown - from the Air Force One that just dropped everyone in America.

TIKI: It was very nice of the president of the United states to go as a lift back to the city when his plane made an emergency landing in the desert.

LLOYD: don't you have family?

TIKI: Who needs family when I have my new parents, Rosie O'Donnell and Academy Award winner Charlize Theron?

A limo picks him up.

LLOYD: now I'm confused I have way more questions now than when I started this case

TIKI: Bye Dookie. Bye, Ziko. Bye, Lloyd. I'll think of you from time to time when I'm with my new family in an assortment of riches

DOOKIE: you look tired, Lloyd

LLOYD: hmm, jet lag.

DOOKIE: Is that like the evacuation of bowels after traveling millions of light-years in the wrong direction?

LLOYD:no, it's being awake 14 hours on a plane with two alien brothers screaming each other's name even though they've already found each other!

ZIKO: Dookie!

LLOYD: A Manhattan without sugar this time?

Ride of the Valkyries starts playing...

ZIKO: The sleep dance! Are you ready, Dookie?

DOOKIE: I was born ready, Ziko! Let's take it.

ZIKO: A 1, a 2, and...

They dance, and then lift off... angering Lloyd beyond words.

LLOYD:you could fly this whole time?

The two colored lights that the aliens become fly around the control tower... before cutting to Lloyd in his office.

LLOYD:so then I shot both of them

CHLOE: and you weren't arrested?

LLOYD: Well, the government holed them off in a pair of secret body bags. They don't want the public knowing these to exist, let alone that someone killed them. The only reason the people on Air Force One didn't care that I shot him is because they had to spend time with them alive.

CHLOE: But you at least got the payment first, right?

Lloyd shows off purple banknotes.

LLOYD: Yes so when I visit Ziko and Dookie's planet I'll now have the right currency for an intergalactic handjob.

CHLOE:I'm proud of you, Lloyd. Turns out you can have a slight temper after all.

LLOYD: [crumbling the notes] Yeah, yeah, here's hoping my next day doesn't end with the sleep dance. Can you bring me a newspaper?

CHLOE: Sure, sure.

She walks away as Lloyd grabs a bottle of Nine Lives Bourbon.

LLOYD:Oh Chloe? Are Rosie O'Donnell and Charlize Theron an item?

CHLOE:Why? clearing a little alone time later?

LLOYD: Fifty-fifty maybe. I don't know.

He stares at the ceiling, bourbon glass in his lap.

LLOYD: Goddamn it, I need a date that I'm not gonna screw up.

Black, knocks heard, a door opens slightly to reveal Lloyd in a corridor.

LLOYD:hi I've been told that if I be more assertive that I'd either kill someone or have the best sex of my life and well I've already killed someone today can i buy another drink, Glynis?

She smiles and opens the door for him.

End Credits