Lost In Translation Bromance Version

(we open on the title card "Skyfall", then go to City De La Bandoned. Donnie-as-Bond, Tacoma-as-Silva and Rebecca-as-Severine all look very dashing in suit, suit and halter dress respectfully. We also have two pouty guards played by Donnie and Rebecca)

Silva: As you can see, Mr Bond, Mommy has been very bad. She told you you were Jet Lee when really you're just a second-rate Stephen Seagal. To prove this, I have placed a fifty year old Scotch on [Severine's] head. Take your shot Mr Bond.

Bond: Alright. [takes out the guards]

Silva: Ohh, this was stupid. (gets shot himself)

Bond: Good thing I killed him now instead of letting him be a threat later.

Severine: Yes, that would be unbelievably stupid.

Bond: I could never shoot you. Classy, sweet, pure as gold, you are my everything.

Severine: Take it Mr Bond, take everything.

Bond: Far ahead of you.

(she leans in for a kiss and he takes the scotch glass instead)

Bond: You are my everything.

Severine: Hey!

Bond: Sorry baby, but fifty years is irreplaceable. Unless you're me of course in which case you've been switched out more times than Doctor Who.

(disgusted, she hits him with both hands, cut to credits)

SWAG Leader: I have a secret report from within the Guild. Four people have come to our attention, regarding a plot that could jeopardize the Swede Actor's Guild. Donnie DuPre and his team have refused our orders to halt their production company, Demo Reel. While they are still small, and unaware of their talent, our analysis indicates that there is a danger. I recommend sending several guild agents to their location to stop them by any means possible. The cheap must flow.

(cut to Donnie heartbreakingly excited)

Donnie: So! How'd we do? (Tacoma stares at him and his smile gets fixed) Don't tell me, they didn't like this one either.

Tacoma: It's not that they hated it (Donnie turns away, looking heartbroken. Get used to that look from now on, kids) I think they're more confused. Why are we mocking a movie we're claiming to be making better?

Donnie: (trying to be hopeful) Heh, come on, who's saying that?

Tacoma: Everyone! (Donnie's about to cry) We've created some of the most hated videos online since that viral trailer of Christmas Story 2. (Donnie slams the table and stands in anger) Okay, maybe not that bad- (Donnie delicately sits back down) but I think we should start being honest about ourselves, we have a serious image problem.

Donnie: You're right, you're right, you're right, the writing's on the wall, I admit, I'm guilt- I've got it. But that is why I think our salvation lies in Tampa.

Rebecca: What's there?

Donnie: A convention!

Tacoma: A convention? Why?

Donnie: Because once a year geeks like to get together without showering-

Tacoma: Why are we going?

Donnie: (all grins) To promote ourselves! And to remake Lost In Translation.

Tacoma: So let me get this straight, you're going to remake-

Donnie: Things will change!

Rebecca: ...I'm not so sure about that...

Donnie: What are you two trying to tell me?

Tacoma: Donnie, we...

Rebecca: Donnie! We, um...

Carl: Ugh, Mein Gott In Himmel they're saying you suck!

Tacoma: You could have been more diplomatic about it!

Quinn: Okay. You blow.

Donnie: You wanna know a sad fantasy of mine? I've always dreamed that one day, somebody would do a slash fic of me.

Uncle Yo: With who?

Donnie: Not you. (getting excited) You reach this height of popularity and suddenly people are doing slash fic of you, I mean yeah I think it's weird I don't know if I'd even read it but it'd be flattering to know it's out there is there any slash fic of you?

Donnie: Hey honey, it's Donnie.

Wife: (hi Mara!) ...Donnie? Why are you calling?

Donnie: Y'know, just wanted to check up and stuff... see how things are going without me there.

Wife: ...they're fine. As usual.

Donnie: Hey, um, have you ever thought about watching anime?

Wife: You mean like Pokemon?

Donnie: No! No, like, I mean, yeah that is anime, but good anime. You know, I didn't think it existed, but there's some real good ones out there. They're actually- some are kinda smart.

Wife: Liiike... what?

Donnie: Well, okay! There's this one called, um, uh, Princess Monahican I think and it's pretty much about this wolf-girl who's fighting these humans from taking over the rainforest.

Wife: That sounds like Captain Planet.

Donnie: Yeah! I'm just realizing it as I'm saying it but you know what, it's actually done more subtle-er, it actually has a real subtle message.

Wife: Which is...?

Donnie: ...which is save the rainforest.

Wife: “Save the rainforest”.

Donnie: Yeah, okay okay, I know it doesn't sound very subtle but it's more subtle-er. I don't know, it's just, it's, something about being down here y'know, it just makes me think, like, I don't know, we should try different stuff, we should try seeing different things, like even stuff we think might be stupid.

Wife: Well, that's fine, maybe we can do that when I'm in town next.

Donnie: Okay. Well then I will just talk to you later then.

Wife: Oh-kay!

Donnie: Alright. Bye. Love y- (she hungs up)

Donnie: Yeah, that was smart.

SWAG Leader: Do you like remaking movies?

Tacoma: Well there's some debate about that actually.

SWAG minion: Do you like remaking movies?

Rebecca: Yeah!

SWAG minion: Well, not for long, ooh is that your spine starting to shiver?

Rebecca: (deadpan) Is that your car being towed? (tbc)