Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

In memory of Carrie Fisher

(After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we see the caption, "A long time ago...but not TOO long ago...but like, not super short either. We'd give you a date, but calendars don't seem to exist in this world. I don't even know if they have clocks. Have you EVER seen a clock? This galaxy is weird." Then we immediately see a planet in outer space, and we see Galen Erso, played by Chris Stuckmann, noticing something)

NC: Wait a minute. (NC appears and flicks the planet away) Where's the crawl? And the Star Wars title? And the big music?

(Chris Stuckmann is shown from his review room)

Chris Stuckmann: Well, it's a different kind of Star Wars movie.

(NC shudders when Chris appears)

Chris: You see, this isn't part of the trilogies that spanned three generations, this is more of a spin-off film. It's a story that stands on its own, but also happens to be in the same universe, hence the title, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

NC: Okay, Chris, why the hell are you talking like that?

(Chris is shown to be actually standing next to NC, looking at the camera, and his review room being an image behind him)

Chris: Like what?

NC: Like I'm somehow in front of you, even though I'm clearly to your left.

Chris: That's just the Chris Stuckmann tradition. I always address the camera with my edited thoughts. It's kind of the Chris Stuckmann way.

NC: (Pushes Chris's image away) Yeah, well, how about the Star Wars way, and we have an opening crawl?

Chris: I told you, Critic. It's not that kind of movie.

(Images of the movie are shown)

Chris (vo): Rogue One is the first of what is currently an unending series of Star Wars universe films. While the trilogies will continue to follow the stories of the characters we know and love from the first movie, these will be more background stories. Think of them as the appendix in The Lord of the Rings, a way to get more history of fictional events and characters. They're stand-alone films that give us more information on a world we can't get enough of. So the idea of cutting out the crawl is just a way to show it's one of the many side stories that's yet to come.

NC: But we had another holiday theme, a Star Wars Solstice. This is totally gonna ruin next year when we do a Star Wars Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Chris: But this is just what Star Was is now. It can't be any worse than the changes made in the past.

NC: No. This is my show, and I want a crawl! Let her roll! (The two are suddenly risen up by an opening crawl, as triumphant music plays) Now that's more like it.

(Suddenly, the crawl stops rising, causing NC and Chris to fall down to the ground. They get back up)

NC: Hey, what's the holdup?

(An angry-sounding Rob Walker is shown working furiously with Barney Walker and Jim Jaroez on a computer)

Rob: I'm sorry! We're only making letters float through space! If you can think of a better way to make letters float through space, then I'd like to see it!

(He growls in frustration and resumes working furiously. NC and Chris sit down behind the delayed opening crawl)

NC: Well, I guess we're stuck here for a bit.

Chris: Hey, look. (Picks up the number 3 and holds it in front of his face) I'm a kitty cat!

NC: Knock that off! (Slaps Chris) While we're waiting for the crawl to get fixed, I guess we should go ahead and start the review.

Chris: You got it.

(He picks up his review room image, but NC slaps it away)

NC: Stop that! (Sighs) This is Rogue One. (Nothing happens) Oh!

(He brings back the planet he flicked away earlier and puts it back in its space spot. Again, as with most reviews of movies still in theatres, the whole review is presented with reenactments, and occasional images. We go back to Galen Erso, who notices Orson Krennic (also played by Chris) and a Stormtrooper walking towards him)

Stormtrooper: Sir, why'd we park so far away?

(We see Krennic and the stormtrooper kill the mother and take Galen captive as Jyn Erso (played by Tamara) watches. Jyn is wearing Rey's clothing here)

Chris (vo): So a young brunette girl with a British accent is separated from her family, and she spends most of her life with no direction, trying to cope with that tragic day.

NC: Actually, that was Rey's character from Force Awakens.

Chris: Oh, yeah! Duh! How did I get those two mixed up? (Clears his throat)

(The scene repeats, only with Jyn wearing her normal clothes)

Chris (vo): So a young brunette girl with a British accent is separated from her family, and she spends most of her life with no direction, trying to cope with that tragic day.

NC: Not that Star Wars doesn't have a lot of repeat, but don't you think that's a little cut-and-paste?

Jyn: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess the young American guys didn't get enough attention. (Images of Luke Skywalker and Anakin Skywalker are shown)

NC: Okay.

Chris: Fair enough.

(We see Cassain Andor (played by Walter Banisiak) rescue Jyn from Stormtroopers)

NC (vo): After cheerfully accompanying the Rebel Alliance, Jyn is taken to their headquarters, where one of the rebels named Cassian reveals that her father Galen is the architect of a new weapon called the Death Star.

Cassian: The man who raised you named Saw...

Jyn: (Snickers softly) His name is Saw?

Cassian: Trust me, you'll forget all these names once the movie is over.

Jyn: Ah.

Cassian: ...has secret information from your father. We're hoping you can infiltrate him to figure out where he is.

Jyn: I don't want to, but I guess I have no choice.

NC: Now how long did it take to say all that? Less than a minute?

Chris: I guess.

NC: So, why does it take us less than a minute and the movie a DOZEN minutes to say the same thing?!

(We see Cassain talking to Jyn as a computer shows various information)

NC (vo): This movie goes beyond taking its time. It stretches out so much info for a story that we already kind of have figured out. It's like watching it in slow-mo, yet they somehow talk in normal speech.

(We see Rook the pilot (played by Doug) being held captive by Saw (played by Malcolm))

Chris (vo): Some of it doesn't even add up, like when this pilot named Rook wants to defect for the Rebellion, yet Saw doesn't trust him. So they hook him up to a lie detector squid.

(A giant squid appears and slowly approaches the scared Rook)

Saw: The squid... can sense your... feelings! Your lies! Your inner thoughts!

Rook: Okay, how does he do that?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: Where did you find him?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: Why does he want to help you out?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: What'll you do if I'm lying or not lying?

Saw: I don't know.

Rook: What do you know?

Saw: I really like tentacle hentai.

Rook: Ew, that's gross!

Saw: Lies!

Chris (vo): It also doesn't help that this movie jumps all over the place. It seems like every other minute, it cuts to a new planet or solar system.

(Cut to Cassian and Jyn)

Cassian: I'm taking you to Rebel headquarters.

(We are then shown their ship approaching the planet labeled "Rebel Headquarters". We then cut to Jyn and Cassian again)

Jyn: I'm taking you to find Saw.

(We are then shown their ship approaching the planet Terfafa. We then cut to Orson and a stormtrooper)

Stormtrooper: I'm taking you to the Death Star.

(We are then shown their TIE Fighter approaching the Death Star. We see Orson and the stormtrooper inside)

Krennic: I'm taking you out to lunch.

(The TIE Fighter is then shown approaching the planet labeled "Djfrhilsdrgy". We see Orson and the stormtrooper on that planet, looking bored)

Krennic: I completely forgot why we came here.

(The TIE Figher immediately flies back to the Death Star. Once there, Orson and the stormtrooper realize something)

Krennic: That's right, lunch!

(The TIE Fighter immediately flies back to Djfrhilsdrgy)

NC: It's like they're trying to make a simple story seem bigger by constantly trying to seem angry and busy.

Chris: Ah, the George Constanza method.

NC: Basically.

(We see Jyn and Cassian meet up with the other Rebels on their team)

Jyn: I'm kind of angry with you!

Saw: I'm kind of angry with YOU!

Jyn: I thought you were my kind of father!

Saw: I thought I kind of raised you!

Jyn: I thought we had a kind of connection!

Saw: Kind of!

Jyn: Kind of!

Saw: KIND OF!

Jyn: Yeah, I'm not gonna miss you when you die.

Saw: Speaking of which...

(Saw explodes)

Chris (vo): That blast, by the way was a test by the Death Star, done by General Krennic and Grand Moff Tarkin.

NC: Wait a minute. How's they do that if Peter Cushing is dead? Oh, no, not-

Chris: That's right! Digital talking Tarkin! Available now from Hasbro

NC: OH, GOD! It's like Jeff Bridges from Tron: Legacy mixed with Jim Carrey from A Christmas Carol!

NC: Well, to be fair, it might be because James Earl Jones's voice is sounding a little tired after doing it all these years.

Darth Vader: Oh, my God, are they still making these? Okay, where's the script? How many lines do I have? What? This it? Oh Christ I was in The Sandlot longer. Look here, General Krennic.

NC (vo): Jyn's father is kill by the empire as once again, it doesn't seem as emotionally investing as it probably should be.

Galen: Jyn, I put a weakness in the Death Star so small that they'll never notice it. In fact, its so small that every time they build a new one, it'll have the exact same weakness.

Jyn: Really, they never catch on?

Galen: They use Jolly Ranchers for badges. They're not exactly the brightest stars in the solar system. Okay, I'm dead now.

Rook: Rogue One.

Rook: Boring conversation anyway. We're gonna have company!

Krennic: If Vader is in this movie, why isn't he down there on that beach?

Stormtrooper: Um, hello. Sand?

Krennic: Oh, right. He hates sand.

Stormtrooper It's so course, rough and irritating.

Krennic: And it gets everywhere!

Stormtrooper: He has posters like all over the place. How could you miss this?

Krennic: I guess I'll have to go down there.

Stormtrooper: Don't you have, like, a million stormtroopers?

Krennic: Yeah, but I can actually hit something!

Stormtrooper: What an asshole.

Chris: However, Darth Vader comes back!

NC: By god, does he come back!

Chris (vo): Just when you thought he contributed nothing to this movie...

NC (vo): He comes aboard one of the ships and is like...

Vader: I have come to deliver the most awesome scene in the movie.

(rebel soldiers start firing at Darth Vader, with Vader blocking all lazer blasts with his light saber without any effort)

Vader: Yeah, no, this is nothing. This is literally nothing. I can do this with no hands. Watch. (Vader starts using the force to float his light saber in front of him, continuing to block lazer blasts, as he starts break dancing) Oh! Ah! Yeah! Oh! Get Down! Huh-uh! Wah! My saber is also great at making people shorter. (Vader sends his light saber at the rebel soldier played by Chris, cutting his head off) (rebel soldiers continue firing) And you! (points at the rebel soldier played by Jim) You, you, you, you! You belong on the ceiling! (Vader uses the force to send Jim flying up into the ceiling) Check it out. Check it out. I'm not even looking at you. I'm not even looking at you! (Vader continues to slam Jim up and down from the ceiling to the floor) That's how easy this is. I'm so cool!! (Vader finally drops Jim down, splattering him) Ha! Look at his punk-ass! Looks like Rebel Kool-Aid. (last two rebel soldiers continue firing, but Vader blocks with his hand) Aw, that's right, bitches! I'm stopping that with my hand. With my goddamn hand! But you know what they say? What goes in must come out. Out my ass. Alright. Here we go, everybody. (Vader turns around and lifts up his cape, firing the laser blasts he just caught with his hand out his ass, shooting the rebel soldier played by Malcolm) I am fucking amazing. (last rebel soldier played by Doug stands there, dumbfounded) Oh, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Shits getting hot in here, huh? (Doug puts down his blaster and puts up his fists) Oh, okay. Yeah, we're gonna duke it out. We're gonna duke it out! You're a tough guy, huh? Oh, I'm so scared. Darth Vader's gonna die from your pussy fists. You're gonna save the galaxy with those hands, right? Oh wait, I forgot. I can choke a bitch. (Vader force-chokes Doug to death, then picks up his light saber) Dark Side, muthafuckas! (Vader mic drops his light saber, and then leaves)

Leia: We have a new hope.

NC: You need an exorcist.

NC: Thus, the Rebels head off with the plans and the film comes to a close.

NC: Dude, that's it, we're done.

NC: Nothing more, that's the last review of the year.

NC: I don't know what else you're expecting, that's it, we're done. I'll see you in January!

NC: Wait a minute! Next month is January! You know what that means! (Beat) SEQUEL MONTH!! THE SEQUEL!! (screams)

Channel Awesome Tagline - Darth Vader: Dark Side, Motherfuckers!