Halloween

The Cinema Snob (with disgust): Ugh, I hate it when I do popular movies!

- - - (Opening credits with the "Halloween" theme song playing over footage from "Halloween") - - -

The Cinema Snob: So many times throughout the years I had to watch all of these slasher movies with sex-upped teenagers, virginal leading ladies, pot-smoking, nudity, silent mask-wearing madmen. Now thankfully I get to watch one that… (a beat) also have all of those things… But the cinematography is fantastic, so that makes it okay.

The Cinema Snob (vo): It's John Carpenter's "Halloween". A slasher film so groundbreaking and inspirational it not only inspired hundreds of other movies in the years to come, but also caused pre-existing movies to change their friggin' names (VHS-cover of "The Day after Halloween" is shown). And that movie had absolutely nothing to do with halloween!!! So does that mean I have to review this movie with the respect it deserves or am I gonna be my usual snarky self just to make myself sound smarter than you? Yes (smiling). I mean, it's halloween. What other movie did you expect me to do? That "Trick or Treat" movie starring Skippy from "Family Ties"? Uh, eh… Wait a minute. Why the hell am I NOT doing "Trick or Treat" starring Skippy from "Family Ties"?

Angry fan (imitated by Brad Jones): Dear Cinema Snob. You are clearly only choosing this movie just to get hits, and therefore that makes this an inappropriate movie for you to choose for your otherwise fantastic internet series.

The Cinema Snob: What? No, I didn't choose it for the hits. I chose it because it would be highly inappropriate for me to choose "Friday the 13th: 3D" for halloween; which I would have chosen for the hits (smiling). I don't know why I'm wasting time here. Let's get to one of the greatest horror films of all time.

- - - (Opening credits with the "Halloween" theme song playing. The title says "John Carpenter's 'The Babysitter Murders'") - - -

The Cinema Snob (confused): 'The hell? That's a silly title.

The Cinema Snob (as the opening credits are shown): Can you see the foreshadowing? She spells Lynda with a "y". Woooo, she's definitely gonna die. Forget this Michael Myers-guy; I wanna get the real story on this mysteriously expanding pumpkin with an obvious hairlip. Aaah, Haddonfield. As an Illinois-resident I know exactly where this is. It's in our California district named after a town of Kentucky. (as the film begins) The cameraman here is keeping a good eye on that pumpkin before someone steals it and makes an opening credits sequence out of it. Lights out, I know what that means; curling up around the TV to watch Joe Bob Briggs tell us all the reasons this movie is awesome. With the length of this child's arm I think that he's secretly Mr. Fantastic. And in this whole 40 seconds of time Michael Myers' sister was able to go upstairs and bang her boyfriend, who then leaves… To be fair, 1963-sex mostly involved running around the house with plastic bags over your head and somehow making that racist. I wanna see that giant child-arm again…

- - - (Soundclip from "Stretch Armstrong"-commercial is played, as Michael reaches for a clown mask) - - -

Announcer: Yes, Stretch Armstrong! Now stretching farther out than ever before!

The Cinema Snob (as Michael murders his sister): Now whatever you do, don't run too fast with that knife… Oh, God dammit! This tall guy next to me won't stop stabbing my sister. See, "Friday the 13th"? This is how you do murder and sex in the opening scene; by doing it before "Friday the 13th" came out!

Michael's dad: Michael?

The Cinema Snob (impersonating the dad): You are so grounded, mister! We're gonna stare at you for the next 30 seconds, making damn sure you know how disappointed you made us.

The Cinema Snob: You know what would make this better? If that scene were 40 minutes long and they were all rednecks.

The Cinema Snob (as a titlecard saying "October 30, 1978" is shown): This is the part of the movie where half the audience was thinking to themselves "Are there 30 days in October or 31? Which one is Halloween?". Here we see Michael's doctor, Sam Loomis on his way to pick up Michael for the annual Halloween Easter Egg Hunt. They do crazy things at the loony bin.

Dr. Loomis: Just try to understand what we're dealing with here… Don't underestimate it.

Marion: Don't you think we can refer to 'it' as 'him'?

The Cinema Snob: Not saying how I'm transferring the shark from "Jaws", I'm sticking by that statement.

Marion: What do I give him when we take him in front of the judge?

The Cinema Snob: A sacknut. He would go into diabetic shock – that's exactly what we want. But the halloween pranks start a little early at the nuthouse…

Marion: Since when did they let them wander around?

The Cinema Snob: See? This is what happens when you throw a water-fountain through the window, R. P. McMurphy dies, the Chief gets away and babysitters are murdered! And after this, Michael would be so distraught by not getting her nurse's hat that he'll kill her 20 years later.

Dr. Loomis: He's gone! He's gone from here! The evil is gone.

The Cinema Snob (as Loomis): I don't know what patient that was, but the shocks on that bastard car would go out any second.

The Cinema Snob (as a titlecard saying "Haddonfield, Halloween" is shown): Now we're at halloween. Or if Conal Cochran made the titlecard, here's what it would look like ''(the following text is shown for a split-second: "Halloween... you thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy. It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we'd be waiting... in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal, and the dead might be looking in... to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween... the festival of Samhain! The last great one took place three thousand years ago, when the hills ran red... with the blood of animals and children. It was part of our world... our craft. To us, it was a way of controlling our environment. It's not so different now... it's time again. In the end... we don't decide these things, you know... the planets do. They're in alignment, and it's time again. The world's going to change tonight, doctor, I'm glad you'll be able to watch it. And... happy Halloween")''.

The Cinema Snob: As you probably know the movie is set in Illinois but filmed in California, seeing how there's a couple of shots where palm trees are in the background or the grass flipping out because they've never seen fall leaves before. I would make a petty remark on how that goof somehow makes this movie bad, in order to make myself look hip and cool. Hehe… (a beat) But it really, really wouldn't. Wait, and there's California license plates too? I reserve my hypocritical continuity-hate for lesser movies and even then it's still kind of silly. Heh! That's sorta like criticizing the video quality of an internet-reviewer who mostly talks about porn… Just think, if this movie was made nowadays they would really drive home the air and have some sweet '1978 Top 40' playing.

- - - (Shot of Laurie Strode walking down the street, with the Paul McCartney song "With a Little Luck" playing over) - - -

The Cinema Snob: This Laurie Strode – she may seem normal now but give her some time aaaand goth-chick (a picture of Laurie Strode from the 2007 "Halloween"-remake is briefly shown).

Laurie (as she places a key under the front porch welcome-mat of the Myers House): Just watch!

- - - (As she walks back to the street, Michael Myers suddenly shows up behind the door to the sound of an eerie sound) - - -

The Cinema Snob: And that's what makes "Halloween" the ultimate 'No-trespassing'-movie of all time. But seriously, if Michael would just put up a sign that would've saved a lot of lives. Anyway, after a good night's rest, Dr. Loomis is ready to catch that crazy.

Dr. Wynn: He was your patient, Doctor. If the precautions weren't strong enough, you should've told somebody…

Dr. Loomis: I TOLD EVERYBODY!!! But nobody listened.

The Cinema Snob: He should've been listening to you. According to the credits that's Dr. Wynn – a member of the Cult of Thorn who created Michael. A creation by the way that specializes in staring at high school girls through the window. It's pretty spooky that Michael is staring at her, but Nancy has it much worse on the other side of the room.

- - - (A clip from "A Nightmare on Elm Street", where Nancy sees Tina in a body bag, is briefly shown) - - -

The Cinema Snob: And to be fair to Michael, he isn't allowed within 50 feet of the school so at least he knows the law. Too bad Tommy is having a worse day.

Bullies: He's gonna get you! He's gonna get you! He's gonna get you!

The Cinema Snob: Yeah, Old Man Winter is gonna get ya' with these outdoor locker-rooms you have!

Bully #1: Don't you know what's gonna happen at halloween?

The Cinema Snob: Yeah, a shitty "Paranormal Activity"-movie comes out.

The Cinema Snob (as one of the bullies run into Michael, who grabs him inappropriately): And why isn't Michael allowed within 50 feet of the school? Well, this image says it all. He scares children but doesn't give them candy afterwards. He just murders their fucking friends.

The Cinema Snob (as we see Michael driving his car): What they're not showing you here is that Michael has already driven over 30 children from driving with a mask on.

The Cinema Snob (as Dr. Loomis uses a pay-phone out in the middle of nowhere): Dammit, Dr. Loomis! You'd make it to Haddonfield sooner if you weren't talking on the phone every 5 miles!

Dr. Loomis: If you don't, it's your funeral.

The Cinema Snob (as a reflection of the cameraman can clearly be seen): Way to creep out the crew-members standing 5 feet from you. Wait a minute, these are the matches that nurse in the car had. Why is the nurse stealing jumpsuits? Go easy with the soundtrack, you're gonna wake up the truck driver – he's been driving for 36 hours (as the truck driver's body is shown). And now we get to meet the rest of our characters, who were nothing like those airhead dolts from 1980 slasher-movies. Oh no, no. These are pure Mensa members all the way.

Lynda: I would be totally wiped out!

Laurie: I think you have enough to do tomorrow.

Lynda: TOTALLY!

Lynda: You totally never showed.

Annie: That's not true.

Lynda: Totally.

Lynda: Totally.

Lynda: Hey, it's totally dark.

The Cinema Snob (confused): Ah… well…… I guess you gotta respect someone who finds one word and just sticks with it… But still, eh, good cinematography. Good soundtrack…

Annie: Hey Lynda! Laurie! Why didn't you wait for me?

The Cinema Snob: Because you're near 30 years old and you shouldn't be hanging out with us. Oooh, eh. Oh oh…

Annie (as Michael drives by next to them): Hey, jerk! Speed kills! (Michael immediately stops his car).

The Cinema Snob: Hehe. Michael Myers, the slasher-movie villain who's very insecure about his driving.

Laurie: You know, Annie? Someday you're gonna get us all into deep trouble.

The Cinema Snob: Yeah, one of these drivers is gonna stab us in the chest someday. (as Laurie sees Michael hiding behind bushes down the street) Or… ehm, follow us home!?

Annie: I don't see anything.

Laurie: The guy who drove by us, the one you yelled at.

Annie: Subtle, isn't he?

The Cinema Snob: In the 70's after-school stalking was a fantastic way to meet new people. And by 'people' I mean underaged ladies.

Annie: Laurie, dear… He wants to talk to you. He wants to take you out tonight.

The Cinema Snob: I know he was following us, but free dinner on a halloween night? Oooh, sign me up!

Laurie: The guys think I'm too smart.

Annie: I don't. I think you're wacko. Now you're seeing men behind bushes.

The Cinema Snob: It's almost like your brother is a serial killer. That would be a stupid twist… When the hell did the Silver Shamrock mask come into this movie?

Laurie (as she unexpectedly bumps into Annie's dad, Mr. Brackett): OOOH!!!

Mr. Brackett: Excuse me, Laurie…

Laurie: Oh, Mister Bracket…

The Cinema Snob: If only that was "Halloween H2O" that kind of thing would happen 30 more times with a music sting.

Mr. Brackett: You know, it's halloween. I guess everyone is entitled to one good scare, huh?

The Cinema Snob: Nah, did you see the horror movies that came out this halloween? (the poster for the "Carrie"-remake is shown) We couldn't even get that ONE good scare…

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie sees Michael standing in the garden): So far, Michael is getting a really bad rep. He just wants to dry off his leftover rags from the garage truck. The music makes everything sound so dire. But seriously, fantastic soundtrack (smiling).

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie walks outside the house): Oh, what jokers put siding on our garage doors!? Hoho, those damn kids… (as Laurie smokes in a car) And see, this is why the movie work so well, because even our survivor smokes weed (cut to a brief shot from "Friday the 13th", where Alice Hardy smokes) … Eh, ehm… Oh wait, it also happened in "Friday the 13th"… (confused) … Eh, yeah, well… Uhm… This movie did it first! And it takes time out to tell us another scary story.

Taylor: One night he finished dinner and he excused himself from the table and he went out to the garage. He got himself a hacksaw and then he went back in the house and he kissed his wife and his two children goodbye and then he proceeded to…

Dr. Loomis: Where are we?

Taylor: Oh, eh……

The Cinema Snob: Fuck! God damnit, Dr. Loomis! I wanted to hear the end of that! (takes off his glasses) No seriously, I always wanted to hear the end of that fucking story! (as they stumble upon a hole in the ground) And he moved the tombstones, but he didn't move the graves? Meanwhile at the corner of Narc & Copdad.

Mr. Brackett: Bye, girls.

Annie: Goodbye, dad!

Laurie: Bye.

The Cinema Snob (as Mr. Brackett): There goes the last time I'll ever see my girl alive again… (normal) Hmmm, wow! That was a sad joke (smiling). And it's always funny to see Loomis and Michael conveniently miss each other the same way that Schwarzenegger and Devito did in the first 15 minutes of "Twins". Let's get back to the real issue of the movie; BOYS!

Laurie: I'd rather go out with Ben Tramer.

Annie: Ben Tramer? I knew it! So you do think about things like that, huh Laurie?

Laurie: Shut up.

Annie: He's cute!

The Cinema Snob: Plus, Ben Tramer has a fantastic future ahead of him…

- - - (Shot from "Halloween 2" is shown, where a stranger dressed as Michael Myers gets run over a police car and collides with another car, resulting in a huge explosion) - - -

The Cinema Snob: …… at least for next 8 hours or so!?

The Cinema Snob (as Michael Myers): Hi there. I'm here to bone in your house, while your daughter watches horror films. (normal) Poor Loomis. Bet he wish he hit Ben Tramer tonight.

Dr. Loomis: Does anybody live here?

Brackett: No, not since 1963 when it happened. Every kid in Haddonfield thinks this place is haunted.

Dr. Loomis: They may be right.

The Cinema Snob (confused): … Dr. Loomis believes in GHOSTS?

Dr. Loomis: What is that?

Brackett: It's a dog…

The Cinema Snob: OH! Oh, don't mind the dead dog. They're just filming a Godfrey home movie in here. But about the place being haunted… (a window gets smashed) Wait 'til about 3:15am and you'll start seeing pigs-eyes out the window.

Dr. Loomis: I spent 8 years trying to reach him and then another 7 trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply… evil.

The Cinema Snob: Dr. Loomis – Eternal optimist (smiling). It's nice to actually get a real dramatic, psychological breakdown of our slasher movie-villain. That is unless "Silent Night Deadly Night" does it, then it'd be sleazy.

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie reads for Tommy): Kid must be bored… She's must be reading him "Goosebumps".

Tommy: I don't like that story.

Laurie: I thought "King Arthur" was your favorite?

The Cinema Snob: No! I said "Arthur 2: On the Rocks" was my favorite.

Laurie: "Tarantula Man"…

Tommy: Laurie, what's the bogeyman?

The Cinema Snob: It's a hit-song by KC and the Sunshine Band, but that's not important right now.

The Cinema Snob (as the dog barks at the camera): Again, the animals are always the first to sense a slasher film. Personally I love the image of the camera crew mooring the dog in order to get that reaction from him. The girl Annie is babysitting is hard at work readying her fantastic career in reality television (an image of grownup Kyle Richards is briefly shown). And Tommy is getting scared by Michael posing for the poster to "Psycho 2".

The Cinema Snob (as Michael spies on Annie changing clothes): After spilling some butter on her shirt, Michael's inner "Animal House" is aroused by the prospect of full frontal nudity! But no luck…

- - - (Michael destroys a hanging houseplant) - - -

The Cinema Snob (offended): Dick! (as the dog barks at Michael) This will stop him from jerking off next to a tree.

Annie: Lindsey, Lester's barking again and getting on my nerves again! (the dog whimpers) … Never mind. Guess he found a hot date.

The Cinema Snob (sarcastic): Yeah, that's the sound a dog makes when he's on a hot date… with the preppy murderer, that is.

The Cinema Snob (as Tommy and Laurie watches "The Thing from Another World" on TV): Uhm, why aren't they watching John Carpenter's "The Thing", even though it hasn't been made yet?

Laurie: Tommy. Halloween night… it's when people play tricks on each other.

The Cinema Snob: Yeah, especially when movie studios release the majority of their horror films IN JANUARY!? (referring to Tommy's custom) I miss the days when it was perfectly acceptable for kids to go around dressed as O.J. Simpson from "Capricorn One". One thing I certainly wish they would touch upon is how Michael Myers can open doors with his fucking mind!? And when Annie gets locked in the laundry room, pay attention. Michael shows up in the background only because he just murdered Waldo. (referring to Lindsey watching TV) And don't even bother asking her for help. She won't do it unless Andy Cohen tells her to.

Paul (on the phone): Hi, Lindsey. This is Paul. Is Annie there?

Lindsey: Yes, she is.

Paul: Get her for me, will you?

The Cinema Snob (as Lindsey): Annie, the director is on the phone! He wants you to show up in a corpse-cameo in "Halloween 2"! (normal) Back then it's important to note that laundry rooms came with refrigerators. It was before the invention of the dryer.

Lindsey (answering the phone): She got stuck in the window, she'll be right here.

The Cinema Snob: There marks the first time that someone thought of Kyle Richards as bitchy. (referring to subtle shot of Michael standing hidden in the background) Also, you see this? This is scary enough. Future movies don't need to make Michael Myers the size of a house!

Annie: Well, c'mon. Get your coat, we're going to pick up Paul.

Lindsey: I don't want to…

Annie: Look Lindsey, I thought we understood each other.

Lindsey: I wanna stay and watch this!

Annie: Okay…

- - - (The scene immediately cuts to the end credits) - - -

The Cinema Snob: That was fucking abrupt! I knew this movie had an open ending, but I didn't know it was THAT open!

Oh eh, oh right, I did that…

The Cinema Snob (as Michael suddenly peeks up behind a car to an eerie sound): Oh, how did they not hear that giant fart he just let out!?

Laurie (as she carves a jack-o'-lantern and addresses Annie's apparel): Oh, fancy.

The Cinema Snob (as Annie): YOU wanna talk? You were about to fuck a pumpkin! Now watch this kid for me so I can have sex, which is really quite awesome.

Laurie: The old girl scout comes through again.

The Cinema Snob: If she were a girl scout in a 80's slasher movie, … Uh, well that would be sexist! Now she's off to have sex and get promptly murdered afterwards…

- - - (Michael strangles Annie to death in the car) - - -

The Cinema Snob: … or not!? Don't worry it has already been established that halloween is the season where people are playing tricks on each other. She's fine! No need to get frightened, kid. It's probably just some raccoons wrestling around in some garbage.

- - - (Tommy sees Michael carrying around a corpse from across the street with the sound of angry raccoons added in) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Laurie gets pissed at Tommy, which is hardly fair because only hours ago she was also seeing disappearing/reappearing people.

The Cinema Snob (as Dr. Loomis hides in the bushes outside the Myers House): Hey, you're at the wrong house! There's no babysitters there!

Dr. Loomis (trying to scare kids away from the house): Hey, Lonnie! Get your ass away from there… (the kids flee, as Loomis smirks).

The Cinema Snob: Hehehehe… That's what the "Halloween"-sequels needed to be after this; just Donald Pleasence fucking with children.

The Cinema Snob (as Brackett approaches and scares Loomis): I saw what you did to those kids. It's really quite hilarious.

Dr. Loomis: I, I watched him for 15 years sitting in a room, staring at the wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall, looking at this night, inhumanly patient.

The Cinema Snob: But more so THIS part of the night, not "Halloween 2"… THIS part is much better.

Brackett: Alright, I'll stay with you here tonight. Just in the chance that you're right. And if you are right, damn you for letting him go.

The Cinema Snob: Uhm, I DIDN'T. He escaped the asylum. But whatever, I'm sure his daughter is fine. They killed off the horny girl before we could get to the sex-scene. Something a classy slasher-film does, not 'some'.

Lynda: … as we go upstairs to the first bedroom on the left, you got it?

Bob: Alright, first I'll rip your clothes off…

Lynda: Don't rip off my blouse! It's expensive, you idiot!

The Cinema Snob (trying to find the right words): Oh, uhm………… I got nothing. They really need to slow down on their drinking. Halloween in 1978 was on a tuesday. They got school the next day! Maybe this movie does foreshadow that Michael and Laurie are brother and sister; they both like watching people have sex from a distance…

- - - (As Bob and Lynda are having sex, Michael's shadow enters the room) - - -

The Cinema Snob (smiling): Mhmhm… Now that's a climax! At least no one in this movie has said…

Bob: … I'll be right back.

The Cinema Snob: No! I was gonna say "Lynda, you asshole", but you cut me off!

Bob: Lynda, you asshole!

The Cinema Snob: Uuuh, he said it…

- - - (Michael emerges from the shadows to kill Bob) - - -

The Cinema Snob: That's what you get for looking like a 40-year old man fucking a high school student. Luckily for Michael they had a 3-foot long butcher-knife in the cabinet. (as Michael tilts his head, looking at Bob's hanging corpse) I cannot figure out the physics of what I just did… It's a shame too, I really liked that guy!

Bob: Then you rip my clothes off. Then we rip Lindsey's clothes off. Yeah, I think I've got it.

The Cinema Snob: Nah, that was… weird!

- - - (As Lynda remains in bed, Michael slowly opens the door, dressed as a ghost, wearing Bob's glasses) - - -

The Cinema Snob (grinning): Hehehehehehehehe……

Lynda (exposing her naked body): See anything you like?

The Cinema Snob: Not really… Half your nipples are being cut off at the bottom of the screen.

Lynda: Alright, come one! Where's my beer?

The Cinema Snob: I'm sorry, I thought you asked for some… spirits. (as Michael chokes Lynda to death) I still can't believe the best money-shot in the movie is during a strangulation-scene. Boy, would I cry "Foul" if this happened in a Fulci-movie!

Laurie (on the phone): Alright, Annie. First I get your famous chewing, now I get your famous squealing?

The Cinema Snob: It's a thing they like to do; call each other while having sex… My god, William Shatner from "Impulse", it was YOU all along?

Matt Stone (from the 1974 movie "Impulse"): Being tough, raw, aren't you?

The Cinema Snob: I don't know why she's calling back. Michael Myers doesn't talk!

- - - (Shot of Michael posing with his knife is shown, as he being dubbed over by Michael from the "Halloween 2"-remake, screaming "DIE!!!" three times) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Hmm, that was stupid… Meanwhile Dr. Loomis has just noticed that the car has been about a hundred feet from him this entire time… On his way he can figure out how to NOT tell anyone that, because it's really quite embarrassing. Laurie goes off to check on her friends and just think; right now Dr. Challis is watching this very scene while being held hostage (said scene from "Halloween 3" is shown).

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie walks across the street with the "Halloween"-theme playing): Hey! (a beat) That's the music from "The Taming of Rebecca"! Hmm, what's with the 3-foot long butcher-knife on the floor? Weird…

Laurie: Alright, you meatheads, joke's over!

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie): I just got done watching an "All in the Family"-marathon and I'm not in the mood! (normal) This is one of the many places where the choice of music really adds to the tension of the scene. I mean, imagine this next sequence if it used music cues from "Shriek of the Mutilated".

- - - (Shot of Laurie discovering the corpses of Annie, Bob and Lynda is shown, set to the song "Popcorn") - - -

The Cinema Snob: Yes, your friends are dead, but look on the bright side; the mystery of the stolen tombstone has been solved… Good thing Michael counted on Laurie coming over, because that would have been really surprising to find when Lindsey's parents came home. And Laurie wouldn't be getting the shit scared out of her for 15 minutes…

- - - (Shot of Michael attacking Laurie, with William Shatner's beatnik version of the song "Mr. Tambourine Man" playing over) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Don't worry, you can escape. Just go for the off-colored glass; that's obviously the 'breakaway' one.

Laurie (screaming while being chased down the street): Help! Somebody help me, please!

The Cinema Snob: Ah, great. It's the girl from "Prom Night" and "Terror Train" again. When is she gonna learn not to leave the house!? After trying to wake up Carl Stowers to use his phone, she returns back to her place and finds that she lost the keys. At least that's better than the car not starting. You broke a window with the palm of your hand – You can burst through that door! Or… just get the boy to let you in. Michael is soon stabbed with one of the quilt lady's needles. At least she won't make the typical slasher-movie mistake of leaving behind the knife (she immediately drops the knife) OH, GOD DAMNIT!!! (as we see Dr. Loomis wandering outside) What's all that screaming about a few seconds ago? Nah, I'm sure it was nothing…

Tommy: But the bogeyman…

Lindsey: I'm scared.

Laurie: There's nothing to be scared of.

Tommy: Are you sure? How?

Laurie: I killed him.

The Cinema Snob: You stabbed him in the neck with a needle… Bogeyman or not, I don't think that killed him. (as Michael sneaks up on them, scaring them away): Nope, sure fucking didn't! (as Laurie hides in the closet) Scooge over, Kyle MacLachlan – There's enough room in here for two. Hey, neighbor! I can hear your fucking radio! Clearly she did not pay attention to the foreshadowing that the skull-shaped sunset with the blocking trees forecasted on the drive over. (as Laurie stabs Michael in the eye) Uh, right in the 'I'm-still-alive'-spot. (as Michael) Hospital… Hospital… Must kill more people at the hospital… (normal) Well, now she maybe won't drop the knife… (she does) oh, son of a bitch!

Laure: I want you to go out of the house, go down the street to the Mackenzie's house.

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie): I want you to tell them they're assholes for not letting me in the house earlier! (as Michael rises up in the background) This ending by the way is such a ripoff of the opening scene from "Halloween 2". And in the end Laurie Strode is saved by… (Dr. Loomis shoots Michael 6 times) … Hihi, 1970's child psychiatry.

Laurie: Was it the bogeyman?

Dr. Loomis: As a matter of fact, it was.

The Cinema Snob (as Laurie): I said "What's the bogeyman", not "Was that the bogeyman". That explains nothing! (as Michael's body disappears from the lawn) I know where he went – Michael's just run off to go direct that 90's "Dennis the Menace"-movie… Mhm, no really…

- - - (Shot of the Myers house with the sound of Myer's heavy breathing before ending credits appear) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Now THAT'S how you set up a string of… mostly disappointments… "Halloween" is obviously one of the greatest shining examples on how to do a slasher-film right – Likable characters, heroes that we wanna see live, a scary villain, solid suspense marked even better by moody cinematography and a beyond memorable and often duplicated soundtrack. As a horror-film, driven more by suspense and buildup than by kills, it holds up today just as it did in 1978. I say this while making a complete moral stand against all the other 'misogynistic-disregard-for-human-life'-slasherfilms for doing… some of the same things that this movie did too… But it isn't enough that this movie is more well-made or better written as some of those others, no no. As a cinema snob I need to get all soap-boxy about it and claim that it's okay when this movie did all of those things. Hehe… And that, my friends, is why I hate the word 'arthouse'… Wait, what?

Tommy: Nobody believes me…

Lindsey: I believe you, Tommy.

(The End)