Prince of Persia

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(sings) Arabian spoilers!

There's this boy called Dustpan.

And he used to be a common thief on the streets!

But then the king came along and said "I have nothing better to do, so make him a prince!"

I became a prince that way once!

Britain is very desperate for credible royalty.

So, Dustpan grows up to be the prince of Persia!

So, him and the other princess go to invade this town.

Called...Hashabele...

And Prince Dustpan gets into the town by putting him on a stick.

A bunch of guys push him up to the wall.

Another guy shoots arrows at the wall.

And Dustpan climbs up the arrows!

...Couldn't they just use a ladder?

Is this before high, advanced ladder technology?

Oh well, who cares? It's cool!

Where they come across Princess Habejebe...

But it turns out she's protecting this ancient dagger that can make you travel through time!

All you have to do is let out the sand in the dagger, then POOF!

(mimicking Marty McFly) Doc, what ya do?

(mimicking Doc Brown) Marty! It runs on sand!

So, the princess tells the prince "Gimme that dagger!"

"No!"

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

"I hate you!"

"I hate you too!"

"We're so not gonna get together by the end of the movie!"

"I know, 'cause I hate you so much, right?"

"Right!"

(mimics making out)

So then the prince is told to give the king this wonderful robe.

But the robe is poisoned! ...That's not even a joke! The robe is poisoned!

What a way to go! Death by robe!

Kinda like that Richard Burton movie.

Yeah, I know. (does "over your head" gesture)

So Prince Dustpan is blamed for his murder.

So he's on the run from the law!

I was on the run from the law once!

(He hears sirens and gets down)

So, the princess helps him escape.

And...a good chunk of the movie is this.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Yes."

"No we're not!"

"You're right."

"Bastard."

"Whore."

But then they come across the guy who played Doctor Octopus!

I played Doctor Octopus once!

They didn't like me 'cause I only had three arms, and, uh, (glances down) they didn't really like the third one.

So, he and his band of thieves do the most horrible thing possible.

(deep breath) Ostrich racing! ...Again, totally not joking!

There's ostrich racing in the "Prince of Persia." What did I take? I need to stop.

So the prince and the princess escape Doctor Octopus's evil ostrichs...

As they finally figure out the guy who killed the king!

Gandhi! It was Gandhi all along!

That's right! The guy who played Gandhi is a murderer!

I always knew there was something wrong with that Gandhi!

Who else would shave his head and wear a diaper all day? (Raises hand and quickly slaps it away)

So Gandhi needs help destroying the prince of Persia.

So, he comes across these emo goth assassins!

(in emo voice) "All I like is snakes and 'Twilight.'"

"Can you kill the prince of Persia for me?"

"That's so dark."

"Yeah, get a tan."

So, it turns out the dagger can only take you back like a minute in time.

So they need the Sands of Time to go even further!

Which...kind of looks like a giant, flaming Cheeto.

So the prince and the princess, Gandhi, Doctor Octopus, his one remaining ostrich, all go to this giant, flaming Cheeto...

And they have a thrilling anti-climax!

"I'm going back in time!"

"No you're not! I am!" (punches)

(Mimics going back in time, disappears in a poof then reappears)

I travelled back in time! Now I can save everybody!

"Gandhi's a bad guy. Kill him!"

(Shoots and dies)

HOORAY!

So, "Prince of Persia" is the greatest video game movie ever made!

But that's probably 'cause it's the only GOOD video game movie ever made!

I mean, look on the bright side. It could have been directed by Uwe Boll. (Thunder and lighting appears, Chester cowers) ...I mean, He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned.

I like pork.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

Well, at least help me buy a giant, flaming Cheeto! Those spicy ones are curiously hot.