Science Will F--- You!

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, it's been awhile, but I'm back. Yeah, don't hurt yourself with the excitement there. Anyway, this time out, we're taking a look at technology. The wonders, the innovations, and the absolute idiocy that occurs when it ends up in the hands of actual human beings. Let's get started.

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Technology")

Nash (vo): Okay, so once upon a time, yadda yadda yadda, humanity. (Stick Boy appears) And to be honest, humanity was looking promising. Large brains, walking upright, warm blooded, opposable thumbs. (Stick Boy looks at his hands) Pretty much the complete package. But there were issues to contend with like cold weather, (snowflakes appear over Stick Boy's head) or big goddamn animals that thought humans looked tasty, (a dragon appears to the left of Stick Boy, or his right), or diseases that would just make random bits of you fall right the fuck off. (Some bits fall off of Stick Boy) It occured to humanity right then and there something needed to be done about this bullshit, and pronto. So we created things like fire (a picture of fire), and housing (a picture of a house), and medicine (a picture of a doctor using a stethoscope on a patient). All things that led to the continued survival of the species, but for reasons no one can yet comprehend, they also felt compelled to misuse and abuse our advances up to and including (picture of...) a disposable vagina in a can, I wish to Christ I was making that up! I'm pretty sure if our ancestors saw some of this crap, they might have rethought the whole evolution package.

Nash: You see, if necessity is the mother of invention, then invention's retarded half-brother by way of the mailman is idiocy. That idiocy usually manifests itself in the form of people doing something with a piece of technology that would make the Mythbusters shit their pants. Here's a perfect example. From Louisville, Kentucky, it shows us that while we may have discovered fire ages ago, we've yet to master not setting our own shit merrily ablaze.

(The report is titled "Home damaged by fire caused by owner using blowtorch to melt ice."

Nash (vo): "Home damaged by fire caused by owner using blowtorch to melt ice." Wow, snappy headline there, buddy. Still, it sums up exactly what happened. Jackass McNutfuck decided the best way to get rid of icicles on his home was to hit them with a blowtorch.

Nash: Oh, but that's not the best part. Check out this line here. (reading quote) "He was concerned about the icicles and ice causing damage to his home." (he then cues up Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic") No, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you!? How can you not get this concept? Here, I'll simplify it for you. This, (a blowtorch) plus this, (a house) equals fucking this! (a house fire is shown with the ta-da! sound) Hey, you think that was dumb, we're just getting warmed up. You see, technology has provided us with the means to improve our health, ourselves, and our flat, flat butts. Let's move on to a story from New Jersey which proves the old adage that when you assume, you make an ass out of you, and the stuff people use to caulk their bathtubs. (and he facepalms)

(The report is titled "Black-market cosmetic surgeries hospitalize six women")

Nash (vo): From Newark, New Jersey, six women were hospitalized when they received black market buttocks enhancement injections, say that five times fast, containing industrial silicone, more commonly known as bathroom caulk.

Nash: Okay, putting aside for a moment there even exists an operation to make your ass bigger--(a quick clip of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back") Shut up. Putting that aside, if you're going to, I don't know, insert something into your flesh, maybe you should go to someone with a medical degree and not a license in snaking drains and cleaning septic tanks. Look, saving a lot of money might work on your car insurance, but not for putting things in your butt! Jesus, I live in a world where I have to say things like that out loud because if I don't, at least one of you is gonna go jam a caulk gun in your anus when this video's over! Gaah! Moving right along! The wonders of science are many and varied. Lasers, computers, robots, super fart spray! (realizes what he just said) What?

(The report is titled "Man 'Stink Bombs' Wal-Mart")

Nash (vo): Oh come the fuck on! From Port Orchard, Washington, authorities had to evacuate a Wal-Mart after a man made everyone sick with stink bombs and super fart spray?

Nash: Yes, super fart spray, for when regular strength fart spray doesn't get the goddamn point across. What the fuck!? Who does that!? Who wakes up one morning and decides to make with the white trash chemical warfare!? Oh, and the kicker? The guy involved was 51-years old. Someone old enough to be your dad had the need to play cut price chemical Ali in the fucking Wal-Mart! Yes, Wal-Mart. Always low intellect, always. Next up, the automobile. The car has got to be one of man's most important creations. But for all the wonderful things it's brought about, it's also given us a cavalcade of fuckwits using them in ways Henry Ford could have never forseen. Unless Henry Ford envisioned a man riding the hood of a car in his underwear while screaming at his girlfriend. In which case, mission accomplished! (thumbs up)

(The report is titled "Police: Man Rides On Car Hood In Underwear")

Nash (vo): From Uniontown, Pennsylvania, police discovered a 57-year old man clinging to the hood of his 28-year old girlfriend's moving car in below freezing temperatures and screaming his head off the entire time.

Nash: 57-year old man and a 28-year old woman. That's not so much a May-December romance as it is May-Cretaceous Period. Anyway, riding around on a car hood in freezing weather adorned in nothing but tightie whities. What could you possibly hope to accomplish? (An XBox 360 achievement pops up saying "Achievement unlocked. 500G - Shrinkage Deluxe. Kids are cheering as Nash gives a thumbs up)

(Back to the report as it zooms on a package of underwear)

Nash (vo): I also love how they couldn't get a picture for this story, so they just put in a shot of a package of underwear instead.

Nash: Journalism? You're soaking in it! But hold on. The automotive idiocy isn't over just yet. One of the biggest advantages of the car is that it's made life more convenient. Unfortunately, this has gotten taken way the hell too far. From Florida, and I swear this is absolutely real, a woman caused an accident by shaving her crotch while driving. That sound you just heard? Yeah, that was you dying inside just a little bit.

(The report is titled "FHP: Driver lacked razor-sharp focus")

Nash (vo): "Driver lacked razor-sharp focus." Really? Gonna go with the pun on this one, huh? Okay, fine. Megan Mariah-Barnes, who had already had her license yanked for DUI, told her ex-husband to take the wheel so she could do a little "hedge trimming" on the way to meet her boyfriend.

Nash: Uh, wait a second, I think I see a typo here. Don't worry, I'll fix it.

(The words "ex-husband" and "boyfriend" are crossed out and then replaced with "pimp" and "john" respectively)

Nash (vo): There we go.

Nash: And before all you guys start thinking about how hot this story is, let's have a look at Mrs. Barnes' mugshot. (the mugshot is shown and the woman in question doesn't look pretty. Another achievement unlocks, this one saying "5000G - Cockslayer. Kids cheer again and Nash gives a thumbs up)

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): What in the streaking blue fuck is wrong with you, lady? You ended up trashing your car and causing a serious accident with injuries so you could shave your vagina. Jesus wept, at the very least have you ever heard of pulling the fuck over?

Nash: Fuck! How did we get here as a species? How did we get from fire and the wheel to vajayjay shaving related car accidents? You know, if there is other intelligent life in the universe, I'm pretty sure shit like this is the reason they haven't decided to drop in for coffee. In fact, I can almost picture it now.

(We cut to a stage where Space Guy is getting on the mike, a crowd cheering)

SG: Hello, hello people of space. We have good space news for you all. We have conducted a great deal of space research and we made a space discovery. Today, we have found one more intelligent lifeform to join us in the grand fraternity of...space. (the crowd cheers) Yes, they are called humans and from the best we have been able to ascertain, they live on a planet called Starbucks. Now, we'd like to take a moment to give you the first images of our future brothers and sisters of the cosmos. (First clip is of a guy making copies of his butt on a photocopier, only to crack through the glass and go ow!") Um...well, I'm sure that's just one isolated incident. After all, don't we have one or two space retards among all our species? Let's, uh, let's take another look. (one guy tries to jump down an escalator, but falls on his face and goes "ow!" as well) Oh dear. We-well now hold on, hold on, hold on. Look, look, look. They're an intelligent species. Surely this can't be a normal--oh fuck me.

(as he said that, Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" plays to various clips of shenanigans, starting with a guy hitting something that makes it burst into flames. SG's eyes go wide. Next shot is of a radio controlled flying dildo. You read that right. SG double facepalms. A car crashes through glass doors and into a building being chased by two security guards. A clip of a girl firing a gun and hitting herself on the head from the recoil. A clip of an asian kid tasing himself. SG shakes his head. A clip of a car backing up on top of another one, cracking the windshield. Next clip is of a guy running onto a treadmill until he goes flying off of it)

SG: (thoroughly embarrassed) Yes, um, uh...I'm so fucking space fired, aren't I?

(Back to Nash)

Nash: I hope all you folks at SETI have really, really good 401Ks. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.

(We come to the credits with Johnathan Coulton's "The Future Soon" playing)

Final quip: Seriously, though, this shit actually happens.