Rap Critic Reviews: "Gas Pedal" by Sage the Gemini feat. IamSu

Okay, so I'm looking at the Rap Song charts for last week, trying to figure out what to review, and I gotta say, I'm kinda happy with the top 5. Holy Grail's not too bad of a song, and it's number one. And the next three slots are taken up by all three of Macklemore's singles, Same Love being number two, which is awesome. Now, what song rounds out the top five of this list? A song called "Gas Pedal", by Sage the Gemini, featuring… IamSu…? So, this guy's on a short list of people who thought it was a good idea to have their rap name be a short sentence. Isn't that right, Souljaboy Tell'em. *shows pic of Souljaboy* Well? Tell em! But for real, who is this Sage the Gemeni and why is his song so high on the charts? Can't be name recognition, because I don't know anyone who's heard of him before. In fact, I haven't even heard this song before, but hey, if it's this high, the guy must have a real explosive single on his hands. Lemme check it out real quick!

* 2 minutes later*

Well, that was terrible. Let's make fun of it!

* video intro*

Ever get the feeling rappers are taking themselves way too serious?

* beat starts*

No, yeah, this cheesy, 4 note beat was totally worthy of that ominous intro

H-h-h-holy shit!

I guarantee you nothing in this song warrants that much enthusiasm

Slow down, grab the wall Wiggle like you tryna make yo ass fall off Hella thick, I wanna smash them all, now Speed up, gas pedal Speed up, gas pedal [5x], now Speed up, gas pedal [3x]

Remember when I said nothing in this song warrants that much enthusiasm. Yeah, Apparently Sage believes that, too. Really, are we still doing this "drain the energy from your voice in order to sound cool" thing? Because there's a difference between sounding like you're really cool, calm and in charge and sounding like you're... just really bored

I mean, dude, do you even wanna be here right now? Because, I don't need my party songs sounding like a mandatory activity that you're trying to get over with as soon as possible. At least when Tech N9ne puts on his serious voice, he still lets you know that whatever he's doing, he's liken' it

* "bout to Bubble": We're smokin', and drinkin', and humpin', and likin' it"*

With this chorus, I just get this feeling like he's trying to sound all mature and unaffected by the very idea of fun, which sends me the wrong vibe, because the one person I don't want to hang out with at a party is the douche bag who wants to act like he's too good to show an emotion beyond, "Maybe if I act like I don't care about anything, I can trick girls into thinking I'm interesting". He does pick up some energy in the verses, though, but by then, the spiritless tone of the music has already taken precedent

Black money let them hoes say amen I'm just tryna make it clear boy Ray-Bans

Sunglasses don't improve your eye sight; they actually make things dimmer. I suppose he could be talking about the branch of that company that makes eyeglasses, but that's not usually what people think of when you say Ray-bans. Also, you tried to rhyme "amen" with "Ray-Bans", so, no points for you

I'm a great man

Who are you REALLY trying to convince, Sage the Gemeni? Me, or your Dungeons and Dragons rap name?

I play a hole every night DJ amen

Huh. I figured a golf pun would be in order for that play on words

I'm S-A-G-E who would like to know?

Nobody, in about 3 months

Fee-Fi fo-fum large me in yo throat *laugh*

* Ugh...*

West-side baby do what you do And you got tail, what that shit do

What's funny is that, the first line here just sounds like a set-up line, you know, like when someone thinks up a cool punchline, but they can't find a clever way to set it up in the lyric before it, so they just insert a throwaway line that rhymes with the funnier following punchline. Except here, it's like he somehow forgot what that punchline was, and just said another filler line in it's place, which is great, because now we have two lines that aren't interesting...

And you mad cause I spoon, but I don't give a fork Silverware a nigga out if he actin' a poor spork

I would give this line more credit if he didn't rhyme fork with spork, used "poor spork" as a crappy play on words for "poor sport"… and initially tried to justify his wordplay by awkwardly starting it with an out-of-place lyric where he brags about how dudes are mad that he "spoons". I mean, does "spooning" mean something else where this guy's from? Because as far as I can tell, he's bragging about guys being jealous of his cuddling abilities

Also, I gotta ask real quick: does anyone see a problem with the girls in this music video? Namely that they, uh… *shows girls stiff as statues* look, I'm not asking for you to show hardcore twerking or anything, but… for goodness sake's this is a music video for a song ABOUT girls shaking their asses! At least make it LOOK like somebody might want to dance to this! I mean, when you show all these girls in dark lighting, and posing like mannequins, I can't help but feel that it sends an even worse message. Like, these girls aren't allowed to have enough autonomy to at least LOOK as if they're having a good time. They can only be these sexy, expressionless trophies that he has in his collection. Say what you want about music video with girls in bikini's at backyard pools. At least it fits the mood! This, over all, is trying way too hard to be dark. You're a music video and song about girl's butts. Lighten up. No, seriously, I can barely make out what's happening in this video

Well, enough of that. Sage's verse is over, and now it's time for a boy named Su to spit his verse

She a trick for a dolla bill And her boyfriend a bitch call him Tyler Perry... Eugh

Wow. Even YOU sound disappointed in that line. Like, Eugh… I didn't even try to rhyme that

I'm in the black bat lookin' scary On my way to the cake no bake-ARY Oops bakeries

Oh god, I hate when rappers do that: acknowledging that they said a word that ALMOST rhymed with the line before it, but instead of erasing it and starting again, they mispronounce it and then acknowledge their laziness with a cute little "OOPS! I MEANT to say this, tee-hee," and then continue the rhyme from there. I remember Method Man used to do this sometimes

Method Man: * "Protect Ya Neck", "Sub crazy"*

Oh yeah, and… some other guy did it sometimes, too…

Lil Wayne: * "You Ain't Got Nothin'" "Barry Bonds" "Run this Town" "Mr. Carter"*

I mean "bakery", never been no fakary Lead her to the bathroom, she askin' where you takin' me Uh, tell her slow down baby I'm too turned up, it's 'bout to go down, baby

Wait, why are you telling HER to slow down, she's the one trying to figure out where YOU'RE going. As well, I love how his response to her question is basically, "Sorry, I'm too turned up, we have to have sex in this disgusting club bathroom. There ain't no other possible option!!!"

When you hit the stage the people do a 180

Are you still talking to that chick? …cause… you've given us no reason to think you're not still talking to that chick. And… it sounds like you're calling her ugly for some reason...

You niggas so fugazi got a white bitch with me call that ho slim shady

….Would… would your first name happen to be Stan? No, for real, what man refers to an attractive woman as a dude in any way, shape or form? And furthermore, why Slim Shady? Are there honestly… NO other famous white celebrities you could think of? Because, I think you're skipping a lot of details that go into people's heads when they hear someone make a comparison between two things. Because when you say that a girl reminds you of Eminem, the first thing I think is, "What, is she some crazy chick who bashes gay people and fantasizes about killing her girlfriend? I mean, really, why him? Just because he's white, and the girl you're talking about is white? Screw it, then, why stop there? Just go all out!

My chick's white, REAL white: Adolf Hitler

Okay, I think we're done here. Overall, I'd give this song a 0 out of 5. To me, it feels like these guys are just a step below being genuinely clever. Like, they flirt with the idea of making puns that work, but there's just a fundamental misunderstanding of how their wordplay is actually effecting the listener that makes their attempts awkward and unintentionally funny as soon as you so much as take a second glance at it. And furthermore, I…

* the video shows the guy getting up, and the girl with the stocking on her face, I look confused*

* He moves her arm*

…What the hell is going on in this video?

* he lifts her face up*

Why is she wearing that thing on her face?… What IS that thing on her face?

* He moves her some more*

Didn't I say something about how it seemed like these girls were nothing more than mannequins to him?… Yeah…

* She's paused, and then starts dancing

Well, I got my wish of wanting to see some dance in this video...

* She then puts her head down again*

The fu… Anyways, I'm the Rap Critic, you don't have to like my opinion, but I missed when rappers didn't hide their sexual objectification behind artistic pretentiousness