The Cat in the Hat

(We start off with the usual opening for the show, but he's in the living room instead)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it--

(Suddenly he's interrupted by Evilina (played by Rachel Tietz) putting her Princess Celestia doll in the shot)

Evilina: My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little--

(NC rips the doll out of her hand, throws it on the ground and shoots it)

NC: We're not gonna turn this video into another brony message board, now sit down! (Evilina pouts and crosses her arms) If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this week and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor. (he takes out his phone and calls someone) Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done?

(Of course it's Satan (played by Malcolm Ray) on the line)

Satan: Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal. (He holds out a binder for the Disney movie, Planes)

NC: (rubbing his forehead) *sigh* It's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression. (he looks over to see Evilina smiling at him) So what do kids normally do? They make tofu or something?

Evilina: Well you could read me a story.

NC: ...Yeah, okay. (He comes back with Your Favorite Seuss, a collection of Dr. Seuss stories) Okay, this one's a classic. (he opens up to The Cat in the Hat) "We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!"

Evilina: Wait, why does he look like a cat?

NC: ...Because he's a cat.

Evilina: No, that's not what he looks like. He's supposed to be scary, and weird, and constantly out of breath.

NC: What?

Evilina: And why is it all in rhyme?

NC: Because it's Dr. Seuss; everything he does is in rhyme.

Evilina: No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in awhile. And where's all the subplots, and in-jokes, and advertisements, and forced morals and penis innuendos?

NC: What the fuck are you talking abut?

(She holds out her finger, then leans in to take out the dvd for the movie)

Evilina: This!

(She puts the movie in the PS3, presses play, and it comes on screen. NC is disgusted with what he's seeing)

NC: This isn't Dr. Seuss; It's not even close! It's evil, corporate pandering with freaky imagery that's promoting everything wrong with humanity! This was next to Son of the Mask, wasn't it?

Evilina: Yep.

NC: Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout?

(Suddenly popping up from the screen is Orlando Belise, Jr.)

Man: I would!

NC: Oh no, it's Peter Soulless!

Evilina: Who?

NC: The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. Call me ass with a cash.

Peter: I see you're young and impressionable, too. So I have a jiggy load of crunk here for you! With modern jokes, adult jokes, and poop jokes galore. References kids won't get, who could ask for more? It's totally "boss" and with the "in crowd," is there any "pwnage" this funkiness allows?

NC: Stop it! Stop it! Stop trying to sound cool!

Peter: Is my hizzy in a nizzy?

NC: Look, you clearly have no idea how people talk and you clearly have no idea what made Dr. Seuss a great author.

Peter: Whatever do you mean?

NC: *sigh* Alright, if I can take this chance to enlighten you on how Dr. Seuss is being butchered nowadays, maybe some good can come of this. What do you say, kiddo? You ready to take a trip into some awkward humor?

Evilina: With Mike Myers? Of course!

NC: Let us journy into "Dr. Seuss's" The Cat in the Hat.