Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

(After the intro, we see NC in his couch, looking not exactly pleased)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's Christmas Eve, and that means meeting up with your friends and loved ones. (nods) And trying to stop them from killing each other. Especially when your friends and loved ones are as polar opposite as they can get!

(Cut to reveal Aunt Despair, Uncle Lies (still with a pipe and wearing an obvious wig) and Malcolm on the left side of the Christmas table. Aunt Despair is pouring some gin in her glass)

Malcolm: Uncle Lies? Aunt Despair? Can I have some water tonight?

Uncle Lies: Well, I suppose you've been good enough this year. Honey, why don't you share some of yours?

Aunt Despair: (gives Malcolm a bottle of gin) Here you go. (pats him on the head)

(On the right side, there are cheerful Chester A. Bum, Doe (Heather Reusz) and Little Girl (Tamara))

Chester: Oh, now, that's no way to treat a child!

Doe: Yeah! Why don't you raise yours like we raise ours? (hugs Little Girl)

Little Girl: Why, I'm pretty sure they did raise me before I got abandoned in the Balto review.

Aunt Despair: Mmm, no, that wasn't you.

Little Girl: Pretty sure it was.

Uncle Lies: No, we remember the children we abandon.

Chester: Do you?

NC: (rubs his hands) Well, I don't know about you, but I sure am excited for our Christmas meal.

Malcolm: Yeah, where is it? We've been waiting forever.

Uncle Lies: Now, son, don't make us abandon you like we did her.

Doe: But you just said...

NC: The meal's taking a while, because it's being specially delivered. Trust me, you only want an expert to deal with something so perfectly Christmassy!

Chester: Well, as long as it's edible, I'm good.

Doe: (nudges him slightly) Honey...

Chester: Okay, it doesn't have to be edible! (Chester, Doe and Little Girl chuckle)

Aunt Despair: That explains why your kid looks like she ate chimney.

Little Girl: (still smiling) It tasted like dying.

Doe: Well, at least we know where our kid is!

Aunt Despair: What are you even talking a- (slowly turns her head to notice Malcolm is not in his chair) Oh, now I get it.

Uncle Lies: Hey, boy! Stop eating that glue and save some for me!

Malcolm: (offscreen; drowsily) I feel colors...

Chester: Parents of the year. (crosses arms)

Doe: You won't even share!

Aunt Despair: You said something over there, pubic wig?

NC: (interrupts them by grabbing a remote) Hey! Why don't we watch a movie? (Malcolm sits back, still junked up) The perfect Christmas interaction where we don't have to have any interaction!

(He presses a button, and after a static, we're shown the title of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)

Aunt Despair (vo): Home Alone 2?

Aunt Despair: You couldn't even put on Home Alone 1? (Her cigarette falls from her mouth)

Malcolm: (drowsily) Ooh! I love this movie.

Uncle Lies: You do?

Little Girl: Me, too!

Doe: I thought most people only like the first one.

NC: (takes a reindeer-shaped cup) Exactly. They've seen it so many times, it's practically background noise. But everyone has interesting thoughts about Home Alone 2.

(The poster of the original Home Alone is shown, along with an image of Kevin)

NC (vo): You see, when the original came out in 1990, it was huge. It played at #1 for 12 weeks, and turned a relatively unknown child actor, Macaulay Culkin, into a megastar.

(Clips from Home Alone 2 are now shown)

NC (vo): So, not surprisingly, two years later, a sequel came about, giving everybody the same comedy they grew to love.

NC: And I do mean the same comedy.

NC (vo): Many people were angered at how much repeating there was, reusing the same jokes, scenarios, even teaching the same lessons that was learned in the original. Macaulay Culkin and director Chris Columbus even mock it in the first film's commentary.

(A snippet of Culkin and Columbus' commentary of the first film is heard)

Chris Columbus (vo): John Hughes said he'd write this on the weekend. I wonder how long it took for him to write the second one. (Culkin starts laughing) It's a little bit of cut and paste, and boom, you're done. Sequel, bam. (Several Photoshopped images of what Columbus describes are shown)

NC (vo): But much like Ghostbusters II, people totally forgot they hated it, because...

NC: (looks around for a bit before shrugging) Come on!

NC (vo): Well, I'm here to see if there's any validity to that "Come on!", and look at a movie that seems to divide many...

NC: ...but at least can serve as a harmless distraction. (drinks his drink)

Aunt Despair: I'm only watching this for Sharknado star, John Heard.

Chester: Give it a chance. This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life, and I don't say that often.

Doe: It's true.

NC: Let's take a gander at Home Alone 2.

(The film's opening credits roll, exactly the same as the first film's opening credits, as a split-screen of the two films reveals, also happening with the first scene)

NC (vo): We start off this rollercoaster of variety with practically the same music against the same credits with the same exterior shot followed by the same interior shot.

NC: Okay, I know you're trying to establish a style, but when you...

NC (vo): ...don't even need to move the tripods from your last shoot...

NC: ...you might wanna mix it up a bit!

(The McCallister family are shown packing up for their vacation)

NC (vo): Hopefully, everyone's character traits are repeated, too!

(Uncle Frank is shown taking a coke can from his son Fuller. The caption shows "Bed Wetter")

Uncle Frank: Hey, easy on the fluids, pal.

(Buzz is shown walking past one of his sisters. The caption shows "Bully")

Buzz: Now you can be a skag with a slightly darker shade of skin.

(We cut to a later scene of Uncle Frank scolding Kevin. The caption shows "Cheapskate")

Uncle Frank: You'd better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss. Your dad's paying good money for it.

(We cut to a later scene of Kevin in the third floor. The caption shows "Robot")

Kevin: And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone.

NC: Yeah, okay. Let's address what's arguably one of the biggest problems with the film: Macaulay Culkin's performance sucks. (Beat) But it's not really his fault.

(Footage of Kevin in the first film is shown, as well as several images describing Culkin's career)

NC (vo): He already played up the kid who has to act like an adult in the first film, and he immediately became the biggest star in the world. And that's not exaggerating. He was everywhere for a while.

NC: That kind of attention so quickly, so young, is gonna result in this kind of performance.

NC (vo): The "I don't care, I'm cool as shit now" performance.

Kevin: (various scenes) He didn't mean what he said. He was just sucking up to you. / At first, you look kind of scary, but when I think about it, it's not so bad. / ...without any of you guys, and I'd have the most fun of my whole life.

NC (vo): It would happen to you, it would happen to me.

NC: It would happen to anyone. There's really no blame, it's just the situation. (Beat) With that said, let's make fun of this like hell!

(We cut back to the introduction scenes, showing Kevin trying out his Talkboy as his mother Kate is packing)

Kate: Honey, are you packed yet?

Kevin: (speaks through the Talkboy) Yes.

(He presses the Talkboy's play button)

Talkboy: Yes.

NC: (as Kevin) I'm trying to see if I can literally phone in my performance.

Kate: Did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip? (brings out an inflatable clown) An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.

Kevin: (feeling unexcited) How exciting.

NC: I can't tell. Are you excited? It's eerily similar to all the times you actually are excited!

(Cut to the later scenes of Kevin at Duncan's Toy Chest)

Kevin: Merry Christmas, Kevin. / This is the greatest accident of my life. (Cut back to the earlier scene) How exciting. Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.

Kate: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?

(The TV cuts to an advertisement for the Plaza Hotel, which Kevin begins recording on his Talkboy)

TV: ...stay at the world-renowned Plaza Hotel.

NC: Yeah, most of this opening dialogue, you can just replace with...

(The intro scene is dubbed with NC's dialogue)

NC (vo; as Kevin): Why can't setup for second or third act pay off? (as Kate) Bad joke to make it look like we're not setting up for the second or third act payoff. (as Peter) Honey, did you set up for second or third act payoff? (as Kate) Segue to other setup for second or third act payoff to make you forget about this setup for second or third act payoff.

NC: Speaking of which...

NC (vo): Kevin has to grab his tie while his uncle sings in the shower, and decides to record it. I do hope the dollar store microphone on that thing picks up the clear-ass audio both inside and outside the room.

(As Kevin records on his Talkboy Uncle Frank singing "Cool Jerk" in the shower, Uncle Frank stops and notices Kevin inside)

Uncle Frank: Get out of here, you nosy little pervert, or I'm gonna slap you silly!

NC: Ironically, Macaulay Culkin might be the only person from Hollywood not told that yet. (Images of famous people accused of sexual misconduct (Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose and Dustin Hoffman) are shown)

(We cut to Kevin and Buzz performing as part of a choir at a Christmas pageant)

NC (vo): He performs at a Christmas pageant with his brother Buzz, who proceeds to make fun of him.

(As Kevin sings his solo, Buzz puts two Christmas candles next to Kevin's ears, causing the entire audience, except Kevin's parents, to laugh)

NC: Oh, these easily amused pageant goers! Look! The letter B!

("B" is shown in a caption. The audience laughs harder)

NC: You're so ready to watch Home Alone 3.

NC (vo): Kevin finds out what Buzz is doing and punches him. But because this is a Family Matters episode now, it has to go more over-the-top.

(Kevin punches Buzz, causing the entire choir of children to fall to the ground. One of the Christmas tree props on the stage falls down and hits the piano player, knocking her to the ground. A clip from Family Matters is shown)

Urkel: Did I do that?

NC (vo): Funny enough, this reveals that the only character in this sequel that's strangely evolved is Buzz.

NC: I know that sounds strange, seeing how bullies are always the most underdeveloped characters, but he legitimately grows as a character!

NC (vo): He's still a bully, but now he knows how to manipulate, his vocabulary is shot up, and he seems wittier and funnier.

Buzz: (various scenes) My prank was immature and ill-timed. / Merry Christmas, indeed. / What a troubled young man.

NC (vo): The only downgrade is, when he is mean, his wordage is a lot more, um...Disney Channel.

Buzz: (whispers to Kevin) Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.

NC (vo): Ooh! Trout-sniffer. That's much more intimidating than...

Buzz: (from the first film) [I wouldn't let you sleep in my room] if you were growing on my ass!

NC (vo): But, hey. If you're not a fan of how the language in this one is more cleaned-up than the last one, don't worry. There's plenty of more shit repeated from the first film!

Kevin: (to Kate, in the third floor) If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone.

Kate: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.

NC: It all depends on how lazy and rushed the writer is to get his paycheck.

(The next morning, Peter and Kate wake up with a start, having slept in again)

NC (vo): Oh, you're in luck.

Peter and Kate: WE DID IT AGAIN! (run straight to the camera and scream) AAAAAAHHH! (run out of the room)

NC: You hear that, wall we're randomly screaming at?! UGGGGHH!

(Once more, the McCullisters are rushing to their van. But this time, they didn't forgot to take Kevin and take him to the airport...only for Kevin to lost them there)

NC (vo): Speed up the film, play Williams' "Nutcracker" music again, rinse, repeat, water down. This time, Kevin makes it at least as far as the airport with his family, but they get separated, and Kevin gets on the wrong plane.

Ticket Agent: We have to close up here. They're ready to go.

Flight Attendant 1: He dropped his boarding pass.

Kevin: This plane can't leave.

Ticket Agent: Board him, but make sure he locates his family before you leave him.

NC: Well, 9\11 hasn't happened yet, so go ahead!

Aunt Despair: I have some theories on why 9\11 really happened.

Doe: Really?

Chester: Do tell.

NC: Oh, look! Another possibly debatable funny scene!

(Kevin goes inside another plane and sits next to a man)

NC (vo): Yeah, watch this over and see if you snicker at something a little odd.

Kevin: (to a man) Have you ever been to Florida?

(The man starts speaking in French, which confuses Kevin as hell and makes him turn his head to the camera slowly)

NC: Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't seem that funny.

NC (vo): Whatever. He looks at the camera because a guy in a different language won't shut up.

NC: But realistically, it's the most nonsensical awkward moment!

NC (vo): We know he's supposed to be looking at the audience, but in this situation, there is no audience. So imagine you're talking to me, and I suddenly just went...

(NC, with a blank stare, slowly turns his head to his right, and then immediately turns it back)

NC: That'd be super weird!

NC (vo): And why is this guy still talking? He knows Kevin doesn't speak French. Does he think he made a friend? A friend who slowly shades you by looking at the airplane set with more space than any plane ever built?

NC: It's actually kind of hilarious, just not at all for the intended reasons!

(Cut to the plane with the McCullister family on its board)

Kate: Oh, I just have that feeling.

Peter: We have everybody. There's nothing to worry about.

(The plane is shown landing)

Kate: Yeah, you're right. You're right. We're fine.

(The logo for American Airlines company is shown with its "slogan")

Announcer (Malcolm): American Airlines. Losing your luggage and your kids.

(Having landed, too, Kevin sees the sight of New York City in an airport window and rushes to the attendant)

NC (vo): So Kevin, of course, ends up in New York and checks to see where he is.

Kevin: What city is that over there?

Flight Attendant 2: That's New York, sir.

(Kevin widens his eyes in shock)

Kevin: (whispering) Yikes, I did it again. (continues to stare)

NC: (hand on cheek) Anyone else feel like Culkin's blank stares are trying to eat your soul?

(The clip of Kevin staring is shown to a demonic music)

NC (vo; in a deep voice): You taste like innocence. (normal) Let's do this schtick again.