Despicable Me 2

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Despicable Me 2."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(Kneeling below the camera, Chester holds up his thumbs, which have little faces on them drawn in marker to resemble the Minions. They exchange dialogue for a few seconds before Chester comes back into view and says:) SPOILERS!

There's this guy who looks like The Penguin.

Except this is an evil villain who wants to take over the world.

And he seems to be constantly interrupting the story about these Minions!

C'mon, guys! Stop hogging the spotlight! We all know it's the Minions' movie!

You may have an interesting design, but these are Simpson penises!

PEOPLE LOVE SIMPSON PENISES!

And sure, there's this story about these three girls and how the Penguin guy is supposed to look after them and-

God, who cares?! Just give me the SIMPSONS PENISES!

But then the movie is like:

"We'll give you your Simpson penises!"

HOORAY!!!

"But, in exchange, there will be very little story and very little focus on our main characters."

But that's what your advertising was doing to begin with!

"And that's why we're going to beat The Lone Ranger."

But they do give us a few more characters outside of the Simpson penises.

Like Kristen Wiig as Lucy!

Who's just Lola from The Looney Tunes Show, except now she has HUMAN boobies!

I had human boobies once!

I will never find a way to smoke estrogen again.

So Human Boobies kidnaps The Penguin.

And takes him to an underground lair where they look after supervillains.

And Professor Melting Double Chin is like:

"We're the people who stop supervillains. If someone tries to steal the moon, we try to stop it."

[as Gru] "Then why didn't you try to stop it when I did it?"

"That was back when we wanted storylines to carry through.

Now we're about funny scenes that don't really connect that well."

[as Gru] "Oh, you mean like [points to the camera] this scene with the Simpson penises?"

[we see the thumbs again as they exchange two lines; then one of them says "butt," and both laugh]

Heh-heh, it's funny 'cuz I don't know what they're saying,

Kinda like politics.

So they tell The Penguin that he has to go after this other supervillain.

Who's living in the world's coolest mall!

Oh my God, this mall is awesome! Everything looks unbelievable!

If there's a coffee shop, the store's shaped like a giant coffee.

If there's a shoe store, it's shaped like a giant shoe!

If there's a proctologist, I don't think he'd be in a mall.

He'd be in something else, though.

So they're trying to track down this villain in the mall, who apparently has this stuff that turns people into evil Grimaces.

I was an evil Grimace once!

It's what they do to you when you ask how Chicken McNuggets are made.

And The Penguin thinks it might be this guy named [exaggerated Spanish accent] El Macho.

Who is the most MACHO person who ever lived!

Even more macho than Chuck Norris- [we hear a buzzer as he looks down and sees the caption "JOKE TOO OLD"] Mr. T- ["JOKE TOO OLD"]

Steven Seagal? ["JOKE TOO OLD"]

The Rock? ["JOKE TOO OLD"]

(sheepishly) Peter Dinklage's sense of self-worth? [after a beat, he looks down; we hear a glockenspiel ding and see "OK"] Peter Dinklage's sense of self-worth!

And he has a son named [exaggerated Spanish accent] Antonio.

And he's as macho as... (sheepishly) a little Peter Dinklage's- [we hear the buzzer and see "TOO OBVIOUS"; he yells:] OH, SCREW YOU!

And one of the girls is in love with him.

No, not the smallest, cute one.

No, not the one everybody forgets.

No, not one of the Minions in drag.

The geeky one! That's it!

And The Penguin is like:

"No! I will not have you dating sexy little boys!"

[kneeling down] "Father, what did you just say?"

"I'm realizing how creepy that came out; but, nevertheless, you can't see him!"

[kneeling] "Well, it looks like this is a problem that's gonna create us a real conflict!"

"Yes, I suppose we both have to learn something."

"Unless some lame, really fat plot device comes to split us up and we get back to more Simpson penises." [holds up his thumb]

[points to just off camera-left] "Oh, look! He's with another girl!"

"Simpson penises!"

[we see the thumbs again as they exchange two lines; then one of them says "butt," and both laugh]

But it turns out the person they thought was a bad guy - then they proved wasn't a bad guy - it turns out was the bad guy.

What a twist! ....ish.

And El Macho comes across Human Boobies and is like:

[kneeling] "I must capture you and use you as bait to lure The Penguin."

"But wait! Didn't we totally establish before that I totally know all these karate moves and I'm perfectly capable to taking care of myself?"

"It's the climax. We needed something fast, and we didn't really have time to develop anything outside of [holds up this thumbs] the Simpson penises."

"I can't even try using my lipstick taser?"

"No."

"My karate moves?"

"No."

"Can someone at least knock me out from behind or something?"

"No, I'm just going to grab your arm very tightly."

"Oh, no! How did you know grabbing my arm tightly was my only weakness?"

"Oh, good, good! Didn't even think of that."

So The Penguin goes to save Human Boobies.

Defeats the evil bad guy...

And the two of them get married. Thus the girls finally have a mother to look after them.

[as a kid, kneeling] "You are the greatest mother in the world."

"Oh, that's so kind."

"Even though we only had one scene together, we barely interacted, and, when we did, it kinda looked like I was having a lesbian moment for you."

"Okay, we already had one risque kid joke in the review. Let's not push it!"

HOORAY!!!

So Despicable Me 2 was lots of fun and really funny.

Though I'll admit it could have used a needless long, violent cowboy scenario with a man who somehow is doing both white-face and red-face at the same time.

Whaddaya mean I'm the only one who thinks that?!

But, oh well, who cares? I got my [holds up his thumbs] Simpson penises!

[more "dialogue" from them; then Chester comes into shot, looking at his thumbs] Actually, I think these Minions are starting to wear off. [after a beat, he looks at us] Not... like... in the movie.

Just sayin', guys, do one more movie and then STOP.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

I'll use it to upgrade the Simpson penises! I hear the new design makes them look like yellow Vicodin!