54

Ask That Guy Episode 54 (September 9, 2010)

''[We see the wall of a bar with various bottles of alcohol. That Guy rises up from behind the bench, dressed in his familiar outfit with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]''

That Guy: Servas! ''[HELP! LANGUAGE! - ed.]'' Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): When the first people wrote the dictionary, where did they look to find spelling advice?

That Guy: (has only the pipe in his hand; he faces screen left and turns to the camera, taking the pipe out of his mouth) That's a very good question. Actually, they just made it up. / [jump cut] (chuckles) Little do you know that the people who write dictionaries are practically gods. / I mean, think about it. They can say that any word means anything they want! / They could say that a pipe means "vagina", and nobody can do anything about it! / How do I know? Because I'm one of the people who writes for dictionaries. / And right now, I think that "pipe" should mean "vagina." / In fact, I'm going to make up my own word right now: (pauses) Splorange. / Because, dammit, nothing has ever rhymed with "orange"; and now, something does. / The definition is when two animals of different species get together, / make love to each other, and create a baby of unbelievable abominationdom. / (looks up) Is that a word? (looks back) Well, it is now. / You may now resurrect Dr. Seuss so that he can write a rhyming story about oranges. / "The Orange With A Splorange": / the first children's book with open pornography. / (chuckles) What would you do without me? / Have diarrhea.

Narrator: If the yellow Autobot's name is Bumblebee, why isn't he an Insecticon instead?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) Because the Insecticons are incredibly prejudiced against yellow Transformers. / They say such horrible things about them, like, "They have squinty eyes and big teeth and all look alike." / They even have rallies where they burn tire irons in the shape of a cross. / Don't believe me? Well, you don't have to! I'm right. / Why? Because I have a pipe and jacket. / Oh, excuse me. I have a "vagina" and jacket. / And nobody can take that away from me... unless it was someone who was very strong. / Yes.

Narrator: Can you tell us a story about the most worst and painful thing you have ever done to somebody?

That Guy: I once sploranged with a monkey and ate his children. / But it's okay. They were still alive when I did it. / [TG mimics grabbing a monkey and then taking a bite like he was eating a huge hamburger; he chews for a moment and then turns to the camera and smiles]

Narrator: Did you successfully have sex with Ma-ti from the Planeteers?

That Guy: Sadly, no. He got the best of me before I could get the best of him. / I did get the best of Linka, though. / That Soviet stroganoff was just [licks his lips] mmm, delicious, / which was strange because I got a call from Linkara just a few days after; / and he said that he was very upset at what I did. / I can't imagine why. I mean, what possible connection could those two ha- [stops abruptly and thinks, looking up] Wait a minute. ''[As he thinks, we see the word "Linka" appear in red letters at the bottom of the screen. Then, the letters "ra" appear at the end of the word; when this happens, a glockenspiel dings as TG looks at the camera with a revelatory expression]'' Oh, my God! / [close-up of TG's head] Linka and Linkara are the same person! / [even closer shot] And I slept with BOTH! / (back at the normal camera position, he chuckles) That's funny.

Narrator: When the Devil sneezes, are you able to say "God bless you" or would that just piss him off?

That Guy: I don't know. Let's ask the one person who's in direct contact with the Devil: the Hummel figurine.

Hummel: ''[jump cut everytime it appears unless noted. As before, the figurine is held up from below the screen and voiced by Doug in a deeper, altered effect. The music is changed to the demonic chorale]'' My babushka has officially taken all of earth's children...

That Guy: [music switches back to normal] Yes, yes, all good; but what do you say when the Devil sneezes?

Hummel: Oh. Um... I-I guess I say, "God bless you."

That Guy: But isn't that kind of contradictory? I mean, him and God are sort of in competition.

Hummel: (pauses) Oh my God, I never thought about that! I... (now getting worried) I've been saying "God bless you" all this time, and I-I-I must look like an asshole!

That Guy: It's all right. I'm sure everything's fine.

Hummel: Do... do you think he noticed?

That Guy: I don't know. I don't even know how you appear in front of the camera, and I suddenly disappear.

Hummel: (exhales) I should've noticed. I should've noticed when the Elvis plates weren't saying, "God bless you," they were just saying, "Piss off!" I bet he liked that too! I... I thought it'd be nice to say, "God bless you;" but... Yeah! Yeah, I-I look like a dick!

That Guy: Do you need some help? I...

Hummel: No-no! I'm, I'm good, I'm ... I'm good. Yeah. [he "walks away" screen-left; no jump cut yet]

That Guy: Okay. / [now a jump cut] Okay. Well, anyway, on to the next que- ''[we suddenly hear a loud shotgun blast as TG looks suddenly off to his right. The regular music cuts off too. After a few seconds, we hear "Taps" being played on a bugle as TG slowly does a military salute and looks down to honor his recently "fallen" friend. He appears to sniffle a bit too. "Taps" then abruptly switches to our normal music again, as does TG's demeanor, which is now cheerful]'' Question.

Narrator: Who framed Roger Rabbit?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) The same person who framed O.J. Simpson. / Oh yes! Not a lot of people know that, but he actually is innocent! / A lot of people say, "It is impossible. The evidence doesn't add up;" but, in fact, he is totally and completely NOT guilty. / He did NOT steal that merchandise. It's totally wrong. / Oh. Yeah, I'm talking about the [holds up two fingers] SECOND time he was arrrested. [holds up one finger] The FIRST time? Yeah. He totally did that. / (chuckles) You'd have to be a moron not to know that. / And now, he's rotting in prison for it. / Oh, I'm sorry - because of "the merchandise" [he uses the air quotes] is why he's rotting in prison. (chuckles and then silently says "no") Needless to say, Roger Rabbit should get the chair.

Narrator: I have a fetish about you. I think you're Luke, and I'm Leia; and we have the most intense, passionate incest in the world. I think it's kinky. Your thoughts?

That Guy: (scoffs) Not kinky enough.

Narrator: Why in the UK do judges and legal people wear silly wigs in court?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) The same reason that people wore giant wigs in the Victorian era, as well: (pause) because of the hair gremlins. / Hair gremlins like to get inside your hair and create dandruff. / No amount of shampoo can possibly get that out, so it becomes very annoying. / After that, they create split ends; and, as we all know, that's no fun at all. / It's such a pain when you try to get your hair fluffy and little things like that keep happening. / And after that, they shoot people with lasers. (pause) That's just not cool. / Luckily though, those wigs keep hair gremlins from getting on their heads. / Why is it that only lawyers and judges wear them? Because they're absolutely crazy! (pause) They believe in hair gremlins! / (chuckles) That's just nuts! / [TG takes the pipe and turns it so that the bowl is placed right over his nose] I'm an elephant. [after an awkward pause, he trumpets like one with his eyes raised]

Narrator: What is the best way to play God?

That Guy: Well, if you're anything like me, you play it the same way every time. / You give somebody cancer and see if you can cure it. (pause) If you don't, you lose. / Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to lose this game; but, on the plus side, it's... No, there's no plus side. / Maybe I should stop doing that.

Narrator: I heard a guy married his Nintendo DS recently. Do you have any plans to do something similar?

That Guy: Well, I have to admit I've always had a little bit of a crush on my GPS; but... No, no, she would never accpet me. She would never WANT me. I... (fidgets in place, getting agitated; he then hits his fist against the counter) Damn it, if only I had the courage! (pauses and starts to muster up resolve) No. No. I will make this happen. Today is the day. I WILL ask her! ''[he sets down his pipe and brings up his GPS, showing the screen face to the camera. Note that he won't be holding the pipe again for a while. He looks at the GPS and asks:]'' GPS, will you be my wife?

GPS (voiced by Robin Poage): (close-up of the screen) Oh, yes! Yes, of course I will, darling!

That Guy: ''[starts to get excited. He lets out a few celebratory noises and then runs off-screen to his right. We then cut to what appears to be a small auditorium of some kind - it's actually from Aninite 2010, the Austrian festival where Doug was a featured attraction. TG rushes onto the stage in front of a large projection screen and chairs]'' She said "Yes"!! ''[we then cut to a reaction shot of the audience with TG in the foreground, back to the camera, as they wildly applaud, rising from their seats. The normal music has faded and is now replaced wiht some epic, happy-type orchestral music. We cut back to the stage where TG is mobbed by a number of concention goers who give him a big group hug. Cut to TG walking down one of the aisle of the auditorium as he celebrates with conventioneers he passes. He shakes a guy's hand; he hugs another as they both jump up and down like little girls. Cut to him actually picking up a third man from off the ground and carrying him around in a few circles. Cut to him hugging a fourth man, waving off a fifth man who wanted a hug, and giving a sixth guy one. Cut to TG giving a seventh man a hug, this time, he's kneeling and hugging the waist. Cut to where a fan - not sure the gender, sorry - gives him a light blue T-shirt. TG is happy as he puts it around his neck. After a second or two, he looks at the camera, takes off the shirt, and tosses it behind him as he hugs another person - who looks an awful lot like Skitch. Cut to a close-up of TG with his back toward the camera as he wildly raises his arms in the air in continued celebration, rejoicing as the crowd still madly applauds. We then dissolve to TG's bedroom - actually Doug's hotel room - where TG sits on his bed and worriedly looks just off-camera. The GPS is in the center of one of the pillows on the bed - the right one, screen facing up. The music fades as GPS - yes, I'm referring to it as a person; don't judge me - speaks:]''

GPS: What's happened to you? You seem so distant from before!

That Guy: (looks back at GPS) I don't want to talk about it.

GPS: Is it something I've done? Is there something that you're ashamed of?

That Guy: (looks back at GPS) Look, things change! I change! I... I feel like you're smothering me!

[cut to close-up of] GPS: What happened to the magic between us? What happened to all the joy you used [cut to previous angle] to make me feel? You're not the same man you were when you proposed! [TG starts to get angry and overdramatic as he gets up from off the bed]

That Guy: That was a [cut to a close-up of TG near the door of the room as he faces the wall] long [stops and turns around, looking at GPS] time ago!

[we cut back and forth between the two until noted] GPS: It was only three hours ago!

That Guy: I was a [hits the wall with his right fist] BOY!

GPS: You've become arrogant and completely full of yourself!

That Guy: [starts to feel disgusted] You know nothing about me. [inhales] You know NOTHING about me!! [opens the door and goes to leave; no jump cut yet]

GPS: You [now it cuts] make me sick! [and cuts again]

That Guy: GO TO HELL! ''[he spins around, leaves and closes the door. He then opens it and closes it again. He opens it again and realizes that he can't really slam the door in this environment, though he wants to; so he hammily says:]'' SLAM! / ''[cut to a close-up of GPS on the pillow as dramatic, plaintive, reflective stock music plays. We then dissolve to TG sitting in a tree swing in his backyard, looking sdour as he stares at the ground, slowly swinging back and forth. Cut to a closer angle of TG as he looks around, thinking to himself "what went wrong between the couple." Cut back to the bedroom where GPS is now placed at the bottom of the other pillow on the bed. Cut to a close-up of that same angle. We then dissolve to a scenic park with a view of a small lake. That Guy enters from screen-left and walks across the view looking contemplative. Another dissolve to a small walker's bridge where TG approaches, stops in the middle of the bridge, and looks out at the scenery around him.] [NOTE: This appears to be Bemis Woods, where Suburban Knights was later filmed.] We cut of a somewhat low-angle shot of TG looking out over the bridge. Another dissolve back to the bedroom as we slowly zoom in on GPS on the pillow; then we dissolve back to the park where TG is now laying in the grass in the sun, still in deep thought. Cut to a close-up of TG laying down and thinking. Yet another dissolved back to GPS; this time, it appears to be back in the middle of the other pillow as the camera spins around. Still another dissolve back to another park-type location where TG is walking towards the camera but still looks away at the scenery. He looks to his left as the music suddenly fades and he notices someone:]'' Oh, hi, Benzaie! ''[the camera pans over to see Benzaie in front of a wall of trees with his back to the camera. He does some mini-squats. He quickly turns his head back and waves to That Guy. The camera pans back to TG, still looking in Benzaie's direction. TG then turns his head and continues walking as the pensive music resumes. Once again, another dissolve - this time to the original park as TG walks along a trail, looking off into the distance and still thinking of what happened in the bedroom. Guess what? ANOTHER DISSOLVE! Now it's a close-up of the lake and its ripples. Finally, one last dissolve as we return to the bedroom. We see TG from the same angle when he left there; he stands at the entrance with the door open as the dramatic fades]'' Hello, GPS.

GPS: [shot of GPS at the bottom of the other pillow; we go back and forth again] Hello, darling.

That Guy: I... [he walks in and shuts the door behind him] I was thinking. We... we had a pretty good thing going before... you know, this whole marriage business.

GPS: [closer shot of the previous angle] Yeah, I... I do miss what we were before.

That Guy: I liked being friends. I like the way YOU were. I... I liked the way I were, too.

GPS: [even closer shot] Maybe friends is all we were meant to be.

That Guy: (exhales) I think you're right. Friends?

GPS: [still in very close-up] Only if we're the best.

That Guy: Very well. ''[he raises his gun in his right hand and points it at GPS who screams. A shot is fired - a brief flash - and TG throws the gun onto the bed. All the while, he has a slight smile. He then takes his pipe out of his robe pocket with his right hand, and his traditional glass rises into shot in his left hand; the traditional music also restarts:]'' This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." ''[winks, takes a drink from his glass, faces the camera, and then crouches back down out of shot. After a few seconds, the camera pans down as we see TG crouched on the floor. He looks startled that he's been found and is then pissed because now he has to leave the room in that position. He slowly turns around and heads for the door. He opens the door, obviously upset, and leaves it open as he exits, walking in a crouched manner. After a few steps, his pace accelerates as he realizes he can't control his momentum by exclaiming:]' 'SHIT! [we then hear a crash as he apparently has run into something off-screen]''

THE END