District 9

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I’ve ever seen in my life!!!

This movie is so funny! It’s like the funniest movie I’ve ever seen!

So there’s, you see, heheh… There’s these aliens, you see. And they come all the way from outer space and we’re like, “We don’t know what to do with you! We’re just gonna throw you in the slums!”

Ha! The slums! We actually through intelligent life from another planet in the slums!

And there’s this, heh… There’s this documentary filmmaker. And he’s filming everything like it’s real! (snicker)

And he’s following this guy who’s supposed to evict the aliens! He’s evicting the aliens! I ask you…

But he gets sprayed by this stuff that turns HIM into an alien!

But that’s okay, ‘cause the big, bad government wants to use him!

Like they don’t wanna reason with him or work out something. They just wanna cut him open!

P-ha!

Imagine, if this was trying to be serious, it’d be so stupid!

So, the eviction guy befriends this one other alien. And he wants to get out of the slums because (snickers) get this. There’s a human gang leader there who wants to eat the aliens to absorb their power! Hahahaha!

So, they get this giant robotic suit that just blows everybody up!

And the eviction guy is like, “We need to learn about peace and understanding.” (Makes blowing up noises.) “After I kill you all with my giant robot!” Pfft!

So the eviction guy stays behind while the one alien who helped him out goes up to the mother ship! And it turns out he could drive the mother ship because (snicker)… because (snicker)… Because he’s the only one that has the keys!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Holy smokes, was that funny! District 9 is the funniest movie of all time! I love it! Sixty stars! I---

Man behind camera: Hey!

Chester: (looks at the man) Hm?

Man behind the camera: (whispers) It’s not a comedy, you stupid bum. It’s a drama.

Chester: (looks at the camera) The man behind the camera is informing me that District 9 is in fact not a comedy but it is in fact a drama…. I am most perplexamited.

Really? This was supposed to be taken seriously?

Well… Okay! It was the greatest DRAMA I’ve ever seen in my life!

I mean, I can see what people say when they say that this is the most original film in years!

You see, they tried to portray racism without actually using race.

And no movie has ever done that before! …Except Alien Nation, X-Men, Animal Farm, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and… anything having to do with Star Trek.

Except they do it in this documentary shaky cam style! And no movie has ever done that before! …Except for Blair Witch Project, 28 Days Later, Cloverfield, and… every episode of The Office.

But it also has a lot of shock gore in it! Which… just about every scary movie done in the past ten years has done!

But it mixes comedy and drama! Which goes all the way back to the Shakespearian age…

And it ends with giant robots blowing things up! …Lord knows we haven’t seen THAT yet!

(The Bum scratches his head.)

How is this the most original film in years?!

I mean, everything is borrowed from something else! How is that new?!

This is most confusimiting.

Oh! I got it!

It’s the most original film in years because it has NOTHING original in it!

Everything is stolen or taken from something else!

That’s inspired!

Oh my God! I should be a filmmaker!

For I had an idea even more original!

It’s called Batman and the Terminator go to Jurassic Park.

Hooray!

Everyone will be calling me a cinematic maverick!

And you thought I was just some bum on the street with no original ideas.

All that’s missing is a great big tub of pretentiousness.

I wonder if Baz Luhrmann is in town!

He smells like jelly.

This is Chester A. Bum saying… Change?! You got change?! Ah, come on. Help a guy out, will ya? Come on! Change!

Come on! I need it to make my sequel! Batman and Terminator in a Steven Segal Christmas.