Party Rock Anthem

(The Mario figure from the end of the Glitter video is at the piano as a recording of Todd plays)

Todd (recording): Grr. This song...[starts skipping] makes m...so mad. [The real Todd walks in and hits the player] This song is so awful it makes...me want to hurt mys...myself and...

Frustated, Todd takes it away

Todd: [replacing Mario] Can't ever... [Puts Mario away, comes back with his chair, and sits at piano.] So much for that bright idea.

(He starts playing "Party Rock Anthem" on the piano. Text reads: LMFAO - PARTY ROCK ANTHEM A pop song review)

Todd: Say, ladies and gentlemen, do you know what I like to do after a long, hard week of talking smack about people more successful than me? I hit the club!

Video for 50 Cent - "In Da Club"

Todd (VO): Yeah, I go get my drink on, pop some bottles in the VIP lounge, mack on...

Todd: ...fly...honeys. I don't know. God...

Video for Flo Rida ft. David Guetta - "Club Can't Handle Me"

Todd (VO): You should've seen me the last time I went out to the club. I was like, "Party time!"

Todd: Yeah, the club couldn't even handle me! The club literally couldn't handle me because I did not, in fact, meet the dress codes, so I was not allowed in. This is a true story.

Video for Far*East Movement - "Like a G6"

Todd (VO): Okay, maybe clubbing just isn't my thing. But that doesn't mean I have anything against dancing or partying, but...goddamn pop music nowadays. The amount of club dance songs we've gotten in the past two years have been downright oppressive.

Todd: I feel like I have to fight for my right to not party.

Video for Adele - "Rolling in the Deep"

Todd (VO): But thankfully, I'm starting to think we might finally be moving on. Especially considering earlier this year, when artists like Adele and [Videos for "The Show Goes On" by...] Lupe Fiasco and Cee-Lo Green all unexpectedly grabbed giant hits. I could see the way out. I see movement, I see progress. And it's not about the fact that [Cee-Lo Green - "Fuck You!"] they're all critically-acclaimed artists; it's not even about whether or not I like them; it's just...it's something else! Anything else! [Owl City - "Fireflies"] And it doesn't feel like a fluke like Owl City or [Lady Antebellum - "Need You Now"] Lady Antebellum. Hell, even most of our [Bruno Mars - "The Lazy Song"] bad music seems to be moving in a different direction.

Todd: But even if I'm right, this trend is not dead yet.

Video for Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull - "On the Floor" Jennifer Lopez: Tonight we gon’ be it on the floor

Todd (VO): No, we're still getting clubbed over the head with songs about the club. Many of them.

Video for Jason Derulo - "Don't Wanna Go Home" Jason Derulo: From the window to the wall

Todd (VO): And just like any dying trend, the last people jumping on the bandwagon are usually the lamest.

Todd: So...let's talk about LMFAO.

Video for LMFAO - "I'm In Miami Bitch" LMFAO: When I step on the scene Y'all know me, 'cause I walk with a limp Like a old school pimp a real O G

Todd (VO): Yes, they're actually called LMFAO, one of those names that has to rank up there with [pictures of the bands...] Morningwood and I Wrestled a Bear Once as...

Todd: ...things that must've seemed funny at one point for, like, a minute.

Clip from The Simpsons  Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.

LMFAO: I'm in Miami, bitch!

Video for "Shots"

Todd (VO): Now, I've been aware for a while that these guys existed. They've been kinda floating underneath the Top 40 for a while, but thankfully they'd never had that big crossover hit, which is good because all their songs are skin-crawlingly repulsive garbage.

LMFAO: The ladies love us when we pour shots They need an excuse to suck our cocks

Todd (VO): The fact that they got signed at all was pretty damn hard for me to explain until I found out this little fact.

Todd: They are uncle and nephew, and get this, both descendants of [picture of...] Berry Gordy, founder of Motown. [Cover of Motown Classics Gold] Yes, that Motown. And this is not the first time Gordy's musically deficient spawn have polluted the pop charts.

Video for Rockwell - "Somebody's Watching Me"

Todd (VO): Kenneth Gordy, also known as Rockwell, had a hit in 1984 with "Somebody's Watching Me", featuring [picture of...] Michael Jackson on the chorus.

Michael Jackson: I always feel like somebody's watching me And I have no privacy

Todd: Whether you like the song or not, I think we can all agree that Rockwell himself is probably the least-talented one-hit wonder of the entire decade. He couldn't rap, he couldn't sing.

Rockwell: Tell me is it just a dream?

Todd (VO): He claimed the fact that he was the son of one of the world's most influential record executives had nothing to do with him getting a record deal or a hit song.

Todd: But I fail to see what other explanation there is besides nepotism and connections, that he had a guest spot from [Clip from "Beat It"] Motown's most famous act Michael Jackson in goddamn 1984, when Michael could've released audio of himself giving his [picture with llama and...] chimp a bath and gotten a hit song. LMFAO, I'm guessing...

Todd (VO): ...had a similar path to a record deal, because these guys are not good. Really, like, not good. I'm a little torn on whether I think these guys are trying to do this shit ironically, or that they're being sincere and they're just bad at it. But either way, it's painful.

Todd: I'm not sure how to describe these guys. Look, I'm not a fan of [clip of video for "The Time (Dirty Bit)"] the Black Eyed Peas...

will.i.am: Light a fire, make it hot...

Todd: and I'm not a fan of [clip of "Give Me Everything"] Pitbull, and I'm not a fan of Flo Rida...

Video for "In the Ayer" Flo Rida: what's pumping in my CD player, player probably all night like yayer yayer

Todd: BUT I know the real deal when I hear it, and I know when I'm listening to a wannabe. Now, even the most repulsive forms of music have a scale of quality, and on this scale, the Black Eyed Peas are like [pictures of...] Van Halen and LMFAO is like Quiet Riot. No, no, no, worse than that. Far East Movement is Quiet Riot, and LMFAO are...I don't know, Nelson, and you don't know how much it pains me to describe the Black Eyed Peas as the originators and genuine articles compared to anything, but that's the level we've gotten to. The Black Eyed Peas are the real club VIPs, and LMFAO are like the [clip from Saturday Night Live] Night at the Roxbury guys. If the Roxbury guys made music instead of just bobbing their heads and physically assaulting women, they'd sound like this.

Video for "Party Rock Anthem" LMFAO: Party rock is in the house tonight

Todd (VO): Which brings us to their big breakthrough hit, "Party Rock Anthem". And I'm trying to be fair here, this isn't the worst song I've ever heard—it's catchy enough, it sticks in the brain, I wouldn't exactly call it offensive...

Todd: ...but I'll tell you, I was sick of "Party Rock Anthem" in record time. Now I know it doesn't have any ambitions of being anything but shallow party music, but it could at least do me the favor of being...

Todd (VO): ...good shallow party music. It's commanding me to have a good time, but all it does is make me wanna stay home and watch TV. I don't know why these shitty songs like going to the club so much.

Todd: Every time I go to the club, they're playing shitty music like this!

LMFAO: Party rock is in the house tonight...

Todd (VO): Yeah, in case you missed it, they do in fact repeatedly shout "Party Rock"...

LMFAO: Party rock!

Todd (VO): in their song "Party Rock Anthem"...

LMFAO: Party rock is in the house tonight...

Todd: ...their first single from their latest album, [cover of...] Sorry for Party Rocking, not to be confused with [clip of video for...] the song of the same name, or for that matter, their first album, [cover of...] Party Rock. They have a bit of a one-track mind, is what I'm trying to say here. I get the feeling that there's not a lit of anti-war protest songs on these albums, although who know? ''[To tune of "Party Rock Anthem"] I oppose unauthorized military actions in Libya tonight'' And you know, I'm not sure "Party Rock" is even a particularly accurate term.

LMFAO: Party rock is in the house tonight...

Todd (VO): I mean, I hear the "party" in this music, not so much the "rock".

LMFAO: LMFAO: On the rise to the top, no lead in our zeppelin.

Todd: D'oh! Don't remind people of [footage of Led Zeppelin] good music in the middle of your crappy music! Okay, all that said, I wouldn't be surprised if "Party Rock Anthem" got popular partially...

Todd (VO): ...off the strength of its music video, which is actually a fairly clever little parody of 28 Days Later. See, it starts out with them going into comas from too much...

Todd: [oh shit] ...party rocking.

Todd (VO): And then they wake up, and the whole world is now completely empty. They see one guy dancing, but they don't get what's going on.

Guy: What the hell is wrong with y'all? Y'all insane?!

Todd (VO): Fortunately, they're tackled by a guy I'm pretty sure is supposed to be Louis from [cover of the game...] Left 4 Dead, who lets them in on the deal.

Guy: Ever since that song came out, everyday they been shuffling.

Todd (VO): Yep. Apparently their song has turned the world into "Thriller"-style dance zombies.

LMFAO: Everybody just have a good time And we gonna make you... We just wanna see ya! Shake that!

Todd (VO): And then John was a douchebag. And so now LMFAO have to fake being one of the manic dancing douchebags zombies lest the zombies overtake them, and they suffer the horrible fate of getting turned to...

Todd: ...dancing, brainless buffoons in ridiculous outfits! [Picture of LMFAO in...well...] Wait a minute.

Todd (VO): Matter of fact, I'm not sure. Maybe they do get overtaken by the zombies here. It's hard to tell because seriously, what exactly has changed? And they don't really resolve that plot; the video just kinda ends. They dance around some with some random dude and a chick that I think...might be Pamela Anderson, not sure. And I'm not sure if they became zombies or rule over the zombies or if the whole world ever survived the zombie apocalypse of ugly-ass clothing.

Todd: By the way, you can buy all these outfits at...[the official site of...] *sigh* partyrockclothing.com. If these guys had a more limited vocabulary, they'd be [clip of Squirtle just saying his name] a Pokemon.

Todd (VO): Eh, it's a pretty funny video. Now most zombie movies are intended as metaphors for something and...you know what? I could take the bait, go ahead and say that this means that LMFAO represents a musical apocalypse of mindless freaks that's going to destroy the world and [trails off...] But quite frankly, I don't think that reflects the truth very well.

Todd: I think the better metaphor is that this trend in music itself is like [picture of a lot of them] a zombie—completely dead, but still moving.

LMFAO: Every day I'm shufflin'

Todd: Now see, this is exactly the problem. These guys aren't just bad rappers, they're bad rappers whose inspiration is other bad rappers.

LMFAO: Every day I'm shufflin'

Todd (VO): That's lifted from "Hustlin'"

Video for Rick Ross - "Hustlin" Rick Ross: Every day I'm hustlin'

Todd (VO): ...a song by Rick Ross, who's a fat, slow, Uncle Phil-lookin' B-lister who like to pretend he's a drug kingpin despite never having sold anything but weak rhymes.

Rick Ross: I'm in the distribution, I'm like Atlantic I got them pretty things flyin' 'cross the Atlantic

Todd: Every day I'm sufferin'

Todd (VO): I guess there are other lyrics, although LMFAO are so boring, it's hard to notice them, not that you really want to.

Sky Blu: Gang of money Oprah dough Red Foo: Yo! I'm running through these hoes like Drano

Todd is silent

Red Foo: Yo! I'm running through these hoes like Drano

Todd: Ew! And I thought I was grossed out by Ke$ha's Jack Daniels toothpaste!

Todd (VO): Do these idiots realize the image they just drew was drain cleaner going through people?

Todd: Need I remind you, this is what it looks like when something goes through a hoe like Drano

Scene from Heathers  Heather Chandler: [choking with blue tongue] Corn nuts. [She falls to her death onto a glass table]

Todd: Then again, not an inaccurate metaphor if they're trying to say that they're painfully corrosive and irritating.

Red Foo: Step up fast and be the first girl to make me throw this cash

Todd (VO): But really, the problem isn't that the lyrics are bad, it's that they're so empty and thin. Just more boring-ass club lines.

Todd: I mean, yes, do they say to put your hands up, just like every other hit song in the past year?

Lauren Bennett: Put your hands up to the sound

Todd: Ah, what a surprise. Why even bother writing lyrics? Just say, "get up," and, "put your hands up," on loop.

Lauren Bennet: Put your hands up to the sound Put your hands up to the sound Get up Get up Get up Get up Get up Get up

Todd: [head in hands] I didn't mean that!

Todd (VO): These guys have so few lyrical skills that I'm not surprised that the chorus of this song doesn't have any words in it. I mean, this squealing, glitching keyboard line here—I consider that the real hook of this song.

Todd: Yes, these guys are so bad at words that their only hit has a chorus that could accurately sung by Beaker from the Muppets. [Beaker "meep"s the chorus] You get why I find this stuff so monotonous, right? It's just a sad, tired backwash of a song, and it makes me wanna...

Redfoo: Stop! Hating's bad.

Todd: No. I've got a point to make here and that's this song is...

Redfoo: Stop! Hating's bad.

Todd: L...l...listen to me, what I'm trying to tell you is that...

Redfoo: Stop! Hating's bad.

Todd: Actually, you know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop hating. I mean, this song isn't hurting anyone. I guess I can give it a try. But I'd better not turn into an idiot.

LMFAO: Party rock is in the house tonight

Todd: This song is...dancy?

LMFAO: And we gonna make you lose your mind

Todd: That's...original...

LMFAO: Have a good good time

Todd: Guess there are more important things to worry about than a silly dance song. I guess I can kinda get behind...[He starts to fade away] Ah-ah-ahh! What's happening?! What's happening?! No, no, no! I hate this song! I hate this song! I just can't...! I hate this family! I wanna kill his puppies! [Back to normal] Whew. Never trying that experiment again.

Todd (VO): No. You know what? I'm not gonna stop hating, not if it involves giving up all aesthetic standards, which is what people usually mean by that. And all the stupid clothing in the world isn't gonna make these guys sound interesting. This guy makes [picture of...] Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas look like a towering force of personality, and they don't even let that guy rap anymore. I honestly can't tell if I'm angry at this song or just angry at this trend in general.

Todd: Maybe I'll come back to this song, like, in ten years after the trend has died, and it'll sound great, I don't know. But not right now, not at this point in time. It's just time for this stuff to go away, 'cause there is no way that I'm going to listen to this music ever again. [The song starts up again] Oh, God. What's this feeling inside me? Could it be that the catchy beat is making me dance? Taking over my mind?! Forcing me to shuffle everyday for the rest of my life?! [little burp, song ends] No, that was indigestion. Oh well.

Closing tag song: Scissor Sisters - "I Don't Feel Like Dancing"

''THE END "Party Rock Anthem is owned by Interscope Thank you to Lindsay, who made this video possible by listening to this song on loop for two weeks''

Todd's back to the game