The Love Hina Christmas Special

The Love Hina Christmas Special is the 17th episode of Anime Abandon, starring Bennett the Sage. The review was originally posted to That Guy With The Glasses on December 15th, 2011, and was later released to YouTube on December 13th, 2012.

In this episode, Sage reminisces on one of his most hated franchises: Love Hina. Arguably the best-known franchise he’s covered so far, Sage lays into this travesty against Christmas as a gift to all the good little fans this past year!

Episode Transcript
The Love Hina Christmas Special is the 17th episode of Anime Abandon, starring Bennett the Sage. The review was originally posted to That Guy With The Glasses on December 15th, 2011, and was later released to YouTube on December 13th, 2012.

In this episode, Sage reminisces on one of his most hated franchises: Love Hina. Probably the best-known franchise he’s covered so far, Sage lays into this travesty against Christmas as a gift to all the good little fans this past year!

(After the Anime Abandon opening, we fade in on a scowling Sage in a Santa Claus hat. This looks like it’s going to be a flogging the likes of which we haven’t seen before.)

Sage: When I was 13, one of my uncles got me a Best Buy gift certificate for Christmas. And I used it to buy an armful of anime DVDs. Among these…(holds up the subject) was the Love Hina Movie Collection.

(We cut to pages from the Love Hina manga, panning shots done in the Ken Burns style.)

Sage (VO): Like most fans in the early 2000’s, I got caught up in the Love Hina manga. If you were spared this atrocity way back when, allow me to quickly summarize the entire 14-volume series…in a paragraph.

It’s about this pussy named Keitaro who’s a goddamn spineless wimp who has the hots for this total bitch named Naru, who is either punching the living shit out of him for inadvertently copping a feel, or for some other forced lecherous moment, or being a wishy-washy little brat who can’t get her shit together! Apparently when they were little kids, Keitaro promised Naru that they would go to Tokyo U together, and live happily ever after. He comes into ownership of a hotel-turned-girl’s dormitory, which houses a number of otaku wank material made flesh. And the entire story revolves around him not getting into Tokyo U and getting the shit beaten out of him.

At first, I did not care about any of the characters, but at the time, it was the only thing I could get my hands on that could pass for porn.

Sage: Again, (points to self) 13 and desperate. There was never any nakedness shown, there was always, like, a strand of hair blocking the bare breasts, but I was in no position to complain.

(Cut back to the Ken Burns manga pages)

Sage (VO): After about four months of collecting the manga, I eventually found myself actually reading what the characters were saying instead of just pretending I could see the girls’ nips. It took a while, but the series eventually kind of grew on me. I don’t know why. I think I was just going through your typical teenage troubles, and it just seemed like an outlet.

(Cut back to Sage, who looks again at the movie collection and growls with disgust.)

Sage: And they say hindsight is 20/20. But nevertheless, I bought the box set because I thought that the anime would be a little bit more raunchier than the manga…because I was a stupid, stupid kid. Not that a raunchier version of Love Hina doesn’t exist, mind you.

(Cut to what is assumed to be an H-game of Love Hina. Naru takes off her shirt to expose her breasts, but is blocked by Censor Kaiser.)

Naru: Oh, I never experienced this before, all this touching is getting me excited!

(Cut back to Sage, who isn’t surprised, but maybe feels a little dirty.)

Sage: Yup, that is for real. No, you can’t have a copy.

(Cut to footage of the movie)

Sage (VO): Unlike with the manga, there was no way I could delude myself into enjoying this annoying waste of space. If I was apprehensive about the characters in the manga at first, imagine how I felt when I first heard those characters’ obnoxious voices.

(Cut to a fish-eye lens shot of Keitaro, Mutsumi and Naru studying. There’s hysterical giggling outside their room. There’s so much chatter, and they talk over each other, and they all sound so similar, I can’t make out what they’re saying. Any help is appreciated.)

Sage: If you imagine blind, murderous rage, you’re on the right track! Now, luckily for me, Love Hina Again and the Spring Special were brought to America in 2003, so they missed my cutoff date, and I don’t gotta review them! (Sage happily tosses the two DVD’s off-camera) But…unluckily for me, the Christmas Special was brought over to America in December 2002. Joy to the world.

Sage (VO): We open this Yuletide log with a flashback of our hero Keitaro playing in the sand with Mutsumi and one of the most anger-inducing characters I can recall, Naru.

All three (singing): Come on, let’s go! Come on, let’s play! Let’s all go on a holiday! We can dance! We can sing! We can do most anything! Yeah!

(Cut to a murderous-looking Sage)

Sage: I don’t know what’s worse: the mindless, misogynistic violence like with the shows I’ve reviewed up until now, or the idiotic, saccharine sweet pap. I HATE CUTE!!

(Cut back to the film)

Mutsumi: You know, they say if two people who love each other go to Tokyo U together, they’ll live happily ever after!

Keitaro: Huh?

Naru: Tokyo U?

Mutsumi: Tokyo U?

Keitaro: Tokyo U?

(Cut to Sage nodding and smiling)

Sage: Tokyo U.

(His smile twists back into a sneer. Cut back to the film.)

Sage (VO): We flash forward to the present day, where it seems that the same three have dozed off while studying. And apparently all having the exact same dream.

(Inception BWAAAHHH plays, startling Sage as we cut to him. He looks around for the source.)

Sage: Really? An Inception reference? Aren’t we dating ourselves a little here? …Who am I talking to?

Sage (VO): It seems that a rumor is going around that says if you confess your love on Christmas Eve, your wish will come true, or some such shit like that. It’s a paper-thin plot device that’s used to drive what is to be laughably called our story. This was originally a TV special that aired back in 2000, so you shouldn’t expect an actual film-like narrative.

Sage: Then again, this is Love Hina. And you shouldn’t expect anything other than teeth-gnashing annoyance.

Episode transcript in progress...