Battlefield Earth

'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.'''

(Archive footage from “Drug Cartoon Special” is shown)

NC (archive): Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.

(A laugh is heard)

NC (modern day): Look at that joker. Y’know it’s hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even hansonomer. Hamsemener. Hanso- prettier. Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and I remembered it, for 100 episodes.

(“Ode to Joy” plays, with a title card – “Nostalgia Critic’s 100th episode”. Stills are then shown of NC from various reviews)

NC: Wow, 100 episodes. It’s hard to believe that I’ve done that many. And that’s not including contests, fights with the nerd and so forth. So... actually, that means I’ve done more than a hundred episodes. He he, I’m unbelievable, I am your Jesus. So, what do I have planned for this unbelievably big event? I’ll tell you what – a crummy ass clip show.

(The theme from “Rocky” plays. Title card – “A crummy ass clip show”.)

NC: This is where I sit back and do nothing while you watch a bunch of clips of me being wonderful. You acknowledge how fantastic I am, and I go in the back, and smoke a joint. It’s a cheap cop-out I know, but then again, I’ll be high. So you watch this clip from er, Captain Planet review, and I’ll see you in roughly... twenty minutes. Bye!

(Music and title card – “Captain Planet review. First aired: July 6th, 2008”.)

(Re-shot “Captain Planet” footage is shown, with Ma-Ti and NC)

Ma-Ti: Well I tell you how I feel about the whole situation, I’m fucking pissed off... I mean... hey, wait a minute. What’s he doing, he’s not doing anything! He’s just looking at a stupid clip show!

(Cut to NC, rolling a joint.)

NC: ...eh?

Ma-Ti: What the hell, we watch 100 episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us? I mean that sucks ass!

NC (from captain Planet): Yeah, the Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn’t do something like that!

NC (current): But it’s my hundredth episode!

NC (past): (mocking) But-it’s-my-hundredth-episode! Gah, what a cop-out!

Ma-Ti: What happened to you man, you used to have strong, plentiful balls!

NC (present): No no, I do! My balls are still very strong, and extremely plentiful!

NC (past): Prove it! Do something special for your hundredth episode, something that everyone’s requested but you never had the plentiful balls to do!

NC (present): But what else is there to do? I mean I’ve done Batman and Robin, I’ve done Garbage Pail Kids, those are some of the worst films out there!

Ma-Ti: (with background, dramatic music) No Critic. There is one movie that you have overlooked. A sci-fi film that is so terrible it makes my nipples tingle with fear!

NC (present): (gasp) you don’t mean-!

Ma-Ti: No, not that one.

NC (present): Oh... (thinks) (gasp)-!

Ma-Ti: No, not that one either.

NC (present): Oh... (thinks some more)... you mean-!

Ma-Ti: YES! BATTLEFIELD EARTH!

(Music and titles from the movie)