Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies

NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Teenage Mutant FUCKIN' Ninja Turtles. This is the SHIT. When we were growing up this was everywhere:

Pictures proving his points NC (voiceover): comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals, they even had a pie named after 'em. It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care. As long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy.

Back to NC NC: So when we heard they were making a live action movie out of this phenomenon, we PROUDLY pissed our pants with joy, shit ourselves with excitement, we vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up AGAIN in roaring anticipation. ...Okay, maybe only I did that, but still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell.

Footage of the movies NC (voiceover): These movies kicked ass back then, and I'm sure they're gonna kickass now.

NC sits down in his customary seat NC: Which is to say I haven't actually seen these movies in years. But that's why, as a special treat, I am gonna sit down and review the movies with you, as you're watching it with me. So, grab your vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle box of cookies and enjoy the show. Eats a cookie, then spits it out NC: ...just watch the movie.

Footage from the first movie begins NC (voiceover): Okay, New York. So far, so good. Actually I like this opening because it doesn't even look like a Ninja Turtles movie. This could be the opening to Shaft. Watch.

Shaft theme song starts playing over the footage NC: You see? First sight of April O'Neal NC: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who is that? No, no no no no no no. Listen lady, I'm sure you're a fine actress and everything, but...you're not April O'Neal. Cause honey, you see, HERE is April O'Neal.

Shots of animated April NC (voiceover): Yellow jumpsuit, nice legs...DAMN she's fine.

Back to NC NC: So come where's the real April O'Neal? Come on, cough her up. It's really her NC: Okay, alright, no no, no that's cool, no problem. At least we still get to see her in the yellow jumpsuit, right? April walks into frame wearing a yellow raincoat NC (voiceover): Oh come on, that's not a jumpsuit, that's a raincoat!

NC: There is a difference, there is a difference! Look, okay, you watching? I'll show you, look close. Jumpsuit...raincoat. Jumpsuit...raincoat. Jumpsuit, raincoat, jumpsuit, raincoat, jumpsuit, raincoat, jumpsuit, rain-THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE! All I've gotta say is, the turtles had better be a hell of a lot better. Turtles leap into frame NC: Scuse me one moment. Reaches to camera, activates "Geek out mode" NC: OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE COSTUMES, THOSE ARE INCREDIBLE! That's exactly what radioactive, ninjitsu reptiles in their late teens would look like. I mean, they're unbelievable, I mean, they're phenomenal, I mean OH MY GOD! Shuts off "Geek Out Mode" NC: I'm sorry about that, but even you have to admit those costumes are pretty incredible.

Footage of the costumes in action NC (voiceover): The guy who put these all together was Jim Henson, the Muppet guy. And do you have any idea how much those puppeteers have to squat to get their hands up those asses? It's not even worth thinking about! If this movie was done today, chances are they'd turn them all into computer-generated images. Picture of the CGI TMNT movie Ho-bullshit! They set out to rescue April from the evil Foot Clan, who wish to destroy her because she's giving evil, pajama wearing psychopaths a bad name. A Foot Soldier slaps April, April pulls out a sai NC (voiceover): Oh no you di'n't! Alright, April's gonna kick some ass! The sai gets knocked away NC (voiceover): As you probably guessed, the Turtles save April and take her back to their home in the sewers. There she meets the Turtles' mentor, a giant rat named Splinter. And I have to admit, saying this all out loud is making me realize just how friggin' weird this movie is.

Raphael: Where do they come up with this stuff?

NC (voiceover): Splinter explains the origin of where they came from. You see, years ago, Splinter was just an ordinary pet rat in Japan. After his master is murdered, Splinter somehow makes it to New York where he comes across a canister of Ooze and four baby turtles. Within a day, both the turtles and Splinter grow in size and even begin to form words.

Baby Turtle: Pizza...pizza...

NC (on camera): IT COULD HAPPEN!

NC (voiceover): Splinter decides to name them after the famous Renaissance painters. ...Because giant mutated turtles seem to scream of the Renaissance period. (on camera again) It made sense back then. (voiceover) Wondering how much acid she dropped, April decides to help them defeat the Foot and restore order to the city. And on their way, they're aided by a vigilante known as Casey Jones, who's pretty cool, despite the fact that he looks like Jason's homosexual Canadian brother. Now the leader of the Foot Clan is an evil kitchen utensil known as The Shredder. Which everyone says is a giant Darth Vader rip-off but I don't see the resemblance.

Shredder: I...am your father.

Back to NC NC: Okay okay, it's a rip-off! But you've gotta give the guy credit, he has a diabolical scheme to...actually, what was the plan again?

Shredder: Punish these...Turtles.

NC: (starts laughing) I'm sorry, uh, I don't care how menacing or powerful you are, uh, there's no way you can make "punishing turtles" sound threatening. I'm sorry, it's just not humanly possible. But!

Footage NC: You see, he's using kids and teenagers to fight these battles. If you went up to a hitman and said you wanted them to hunt down some turtles, they'd probably laugh in your face. However, if you get a bunch of kids, stone them off their asses, get dressed up in shiny metal, recruit them to be ninjas and THEN ask them to hunt some turtles?

Back to NC, dressed as a hippie, holding a joint Hippie NC: Dude, sign me up!

Footage NC (voiceover): My only problem with this plan is the costumes they're assigned. I mean I know they're supposed to be ninjas and everything, but those costumes are so tight, I don't even think they can talk. (mumbling as if wearing a ninja mask) One of the things I love about this movie is the Turtles' disguises, which is pretty much just a trench coat and a fedora hat. How can no one recognize them in that? I mean how stupid do people have to be to not recognize a big turtle in a trench coat?

Cabbie: Looked like sort of a big turtle...in a trench coat.

NC (voiceover): So the movie comes to a thrilling climax at the top of a tall building, where The Shredder challenges our heroes to a man-on-turtle brawl. And of course, being the Ninja Turtles...they get their green asses handed to 'em.

Michelangelo: At what point did we lose control here?

NC (voiceover): But all that changes when Splinter comes into the picture. It's sensei vs. sensei, giant rat vs. giant cheese grater; the battle of all battles begins! Here it goes... Shredder rushes Splinter with a spear

NC: This is gonna be good! Here it comes!

Splinter pulls out a set of nunchucks and deflects the spear, then trips Shredder over the edge of the building and into the trash below

NC: ...BULLSHIT! What kind of a battle was that? He sticks out his foot like a cartoon character, and he TRIPS? What a rip-off!

Title sequence of second film NC (voiceover): All I gotta say is, the next film had better be a whole lot better. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

NC: Now what exactly IS the Secret of the Ooze?

Footage NC (voiceover): It was made...in a laboratory. Aaaand that's about it, really no surprises on top of that, kind of a big let down. But the Turtles are back and this time they're...well...more kid-friendly, I guess. After all the parents complained about the violence and swearing in the first film--you know, everything that made it good--the second film tones down the action and the bad language. Instead of using their weapons to fight people, they use stuff like cold food, belts and yo-yos. You know, stuff you find lying around the HOUSE. Now all your kids will know how to turn household items into blunt, badass weapons. Thank you parents of America!

Splinter: Idiots

NC: And as for the bad language, I don't remember too much swearing in the first movie Footage showing instances of the Turtles saying "Damn" NC: Okay, okay, so every kid was swearing like a bastard after this movie. But granted it's a lot better than their original cut. A fight scene redubbed with profanity-laced dialogue NC: Don't let Spike Lee direct a children's movie.

Michelangelo: Can you believe this guy?

NC (voiceover): So the story centers around the return of the sinister Shredder. After doing a short rip-off of Tim Burton's Batman, he gets back to business by plotting revenge against those pop-culture spewing reptiles. He steals a canister of Ooze from that guy in Titanic, and decides to make his own mutants. Within seconds, two innocent, harmless animals are transformed into the sinister duo of Bebop and Rocksteady!

Shredder: Toka...Razar...

NC (voiceover): Yeah, like I said, Bebop and Rocksteady. Now the one scene everyone remembers is the fight scene that takes place in the whitest of all rap clubs, led by the whitest of all rappers. You guessed it...Vanilla Ice.

Turtles: Oh no!

NC (voiceover): Gee, it seems like they're pretty freaked out about all those monsters breaking into their club!

People running, then music starts up NC: But wait a minute...I think the Ice is feelin' somethin'...I think he's conjuring up a rap...A sort of...Ninja Rap if you will. ...HE IS!

NC (voiceover): Look at that. A totally spontaneous and totally unrehearsed rap scene I really made up on the fly! What. Talent.

NC: I gotta tell ya, this guy is goin' places! Like the unemployment line!

Picture of Vanilla Ice, with the words "Bumming It" stamped on it NC (voiceover): So the film climaxes as The Shredder drinks what's left of the mutated Ooze and turns into a mutant himself. Jesus Christ, look at that. That is a badass villain.

Donatello: It's a Super Shredder!

NC: Alright, this is gonna make up for the shitty climax in the last movie. Four mutant turtles vs. one giant mutant Shredder? This is gonna be good. The dock collapses on Super Shredder NC: ...WHAT THE FUCK?!

NC (voiceover): Are you telling me a regular Shredder can survive a seven story fall and a dump truck crushing him, but a Super Shredder can't survive a bunch of wood falling on him?

NC: BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT! You know I'm starting to realize that, uh, these movies aren't quite the masterpieces I remember them to be. I mean they're weird as hell, they don't make any sense, and they keep pissing me off with their anti-climaxes. But, I shouldn't give up hope. After all there is still one movie left: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. And seeing as how they've had 2 movies to experiment with and find out what works and what doesn't, I think we can safely assume that this is gonna be the best of the bunch. So sit back and let's enjoy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.

Place card saying "5 Minutes Later;" NC is down to his underclothes, rocking back and forth, crying in a bathtub NC: OH MY GOD IT'S SO TERRIBLE! IT'S SO TERRIBLE WAHAHAHA! Scenes of NC going completely nuts NC: This is the worst thing that no one should ever have to see! It's awful, it's terrible, it's...it's... It's so bad I am forced to make up a word to describe how bad it is. This movie is...is...Horribufuckus. It is the most Horribufuckus movie I have ever seen in my entire life. ...Okay, like I said, these movies aren't the masterpieces we remember them to be. But it's best not to look at them as movies, but more as...a homework assignment. Make a movie about 4 mutated turtles in their late teens who are named after Renaissance painters, led around by a giant rat, know ninjitsu, eat pizza, dress up like flashers, fight a guy who's named after a cheese grater...and make it plausible. And you know what? With the exception of the last movie, I'd probably give this project an A...minus, but still an A. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Copyright info for "Horrifuckus*"


 * misspelling is included in video