Leave Them Kids Alone

(Previously on WTFIWWY)

Nash: Monkeys!

Space Guy: Monkeys and apes are rising up against man!

(Clips from Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is shown, as well as line dancing monkeys)

Nash: Yyyeahh, this is sounding like a continuity thing. Ah, those are just bad news.

SG: Are you out of your very little goddamn mind?

Nash: Everything will go right back to normal in the next video.

SG: Well I think I'm going to go speak to the Earthlings who haven't come down with a serious case of retarded.

Nash: (holding a banana) Hey guys, how's it going? (walking offscreen to a group of monkeys) Just wanted to say hi--wait, no! W-w-what are you doing? Wait, the banana doesn't go there! The banana does not go there! Take it back, Space Guy! I take it baaaackkk!!

(We do the usual opening, but instead of Nash, we get Space Guy sitting in his chair)

SG: Greetings, Earthlings! I am from space. Now I know you're expecting that Nash fellow, but following the failed monkey rebellion, he suffered severe injuries. He's currently having an "emergency banana rectalotomy," and we're all wishing him a speedy recovery. Im the meanwhile, I shall be hosting this week's video on his behalf. (Stick Boy comes in sipping a drink and holding the newspaper. SG waves at him) Hello! (Stick Boy backs off cautiously) Hm. According to the instructions I've been left, this time we'll be looking at the things you call "children." The younglings of your planet. Heh. That's nice. Apparently we'll be discussing the stories regarding idiots, and the years and years of emotional scarring they leave on children by way of stupidity. That's, uh, that's nice. Alright, this is the part where I'm supposed to elaborate. Fade to black, start cartoon. (looking at the notes) Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to read that part out loud. Just go!

(He motions for our cartoon of the episode to start, this one titled "A Brief History Of Children," this one narrated by Nash)

Nash (vo): Humans have a lot of needs. We need food, we need shelter, we need purpose. And perhaps most prominently, we need to procreate. (Stick Boy is teaching a younger child how to play wiffleball) Eventually we hit a point where it's time to bring another life into the world, to whom we impart our knowledge to carry onward into the future. (The child swings and hits Stick Boy right in the balls) Or...something. Many cultures have had different methods of teaching the next generation. Early societies took their young on hunts to prove their worth to the tribe. Later came the concept of apprenticeship, learning a trade from one's elders. Most recently, we have organized education where...well, I'll let Matt Damon explain.

(A clip from Good Will Hunting is shown)

Will Hunting: You dropped a hundred fifty grand on a fucking education you coulda got for a dollar fifty and late charges in a public library.

Nash (vo): Progress! While this is all well and good, often you'll run into people who...really shouldn't have procreated. Mainly because they regard their kids less as people, and more as a source of amusement. (Stick Boy has strapped the kid onto a rocket that's got the fuse lit) When the best hope you have for your offspring is to go viral on Youtube, (the kid slips out of the ropes and runs off just as Stick Boy comes back with a camera) maybe you should have invested in Trojans. (Stick Boy realizes what's going on and before he can get out, the rocket goes boom, along with Stick Boy)

SG: Well, that was certainly...depressing. Alright, let's get to the business of the news and whatnot. The first story this week comes from the Empire of Great Britain, where parents are hiring a new type of entertainer for their child's birthday: an evil stalker clown. Clown? What's a clown--

(The report is titled "Evil Clown hired for stalking, threats and a pie in the face." The clown pictured is definitely not the fun kind)

SG: (quite scared) Oh dear sweet Space Jesus! (he leans back into frame) What the hell is that bizarre and hideous thing!?

SG (vo): It seems to be a clown called Dominic DeVille that spends weeks leaving children threatening texts, traps in school lockers, and stalking his prey before finally attacking them on their birthday...with a pie in the face.

SG: What the space-fuck is wrong with you people!? That...that's the way your species celebrates the anniversary of one's birth? By stalking them with a monstrosity? That's horrible! What do you do for an encore? Place the young in their hibernation cycles with dreams of these terrible things?

(A clip of the Simpsons with a young Bart huddled in fear)

Bart: Can't sleep! Clown'll eat me! Can't sleep! Clown'll eat me!

SG: You're kidding. Oh dear. Look, humanity, I'm not saying you're deranged, or have psychopathic tendecies toward your offspring, except that's exactly what I'm saying. That's certainly an awful way to start this program. Hopefully what's next will be of a more pleasant nature. Let's see. Ah, yes! This is just as awful.

(The report is titled "Waterloo parents arrested after baby chokes on marijuana")

SG: Apparently, two parents from the Kingdom of Waterloo, Iowa, were in a hurry to rid themselves of a bag of marijuana, while riding in an ambulance. The hiding place they decided on was the mouth of their 7-year old offspring, who was not informed of the plan and began to choke on it.

SG: Now, fortunately, the child was unharmed, but that seems to be the only upside to this story. Are you people absolutely out of your minds?! The only place you could think to hide contraband was in the mouth of a baby? That's what you have secondary digestion sacs for! (talking to someone offscreen) What's that? Oh, I see. (back to the camera) Well, it would appear that humans do not have digestion sacs, secondary or otherwise. Well, in that case, you're still a pair of idiots! Giving drugs to children can be dangerous! Even I know that and I'm from space! How do they teach you about such things on this planet?

(And we get a clip of the Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue)

SG: Suddenly, that story is starting to make a lot more sense. Let's move on! Hopefully there's a story in here that doesn't involve stupid parenting. Oh, good, yes! It's a story about a stupid child. That's... ever so much better.

(The report is titled "Student crashes car through Shorecrest High School")

SG (vo): From the Grand Republic of Seattle, Washington, a local student was driving his car one evening and decided to visit his school. And by "visit," I mean "drive his car right through the front goddamn doors."

SG: (stammering) W-w-what the...why would you do something like that!? Uh, lemme see. (looking over his notes) Uh, no alcohol, no drugs, no discernible reason for crashing a vehicle into the front doors of a building! What in the world could have prompted this behavior?

(And we get a clip from the Blues Brothers where they're driving through the mall)

SG: Seriously? Is your species that easily influenced? Well, that's a good thing to keep in mind for the coming invasion, I suppose--I mean invasion? What, who said invasion? (nervous) I...didn't say invasion! You, you certainly didn't hear me...say invasion, I mean look over there! (some silence) Oh, bugger it, next story!

(The report is titled "'Flashbang' demonstration gives close look at SWAT tactic")

SG (vo): From the Dark Oligarchy of Columbia, Missouri, several students were attending a law enforcement demonstration when the officers conducting the event decided to liven things up a touch by detonating a flashbang grenade under the students' chairs. Yes, because pure panic is nothing, if not lively.

SG: Surprisingly enough, my own people have a similar ritual we use on our own offspring as a rite of passage. Allow me to demonstrate. Excuse me, stick person. Could you come here a moment? (Stick Boy comes into the room) Yes, thank you. (he takes out a raygun) Dance, ha ha ha ha! (Stick Boy is running for his life as Space Guy blasts at him) Dance for daddy! Dance, ha ha ha ha! Dance, ha ha ha ha! (serious) No, we don't actually do that, that's horrible--What's wrong with you?! In what possible dimension of perception could that ever remotely seem like a smart thing to do? What could you possibly hope to teach these children by hurling explosives at them? Well, besides "duck," I suppose. Though I'm sure their parents will have a great deal to teach them about filing a lawsuit. Right. Let's move on to the last story of this week quickly. Here we are. A couple from Georgia have a unique method of showing the world how much they love their children...by marking them with jailhouse tattoos. Yes, I think I hate this show.

(The report is titled "Georgia couple faces child cruelty charges after tattooing six kids with home made device"

SG (vo): Patty Jo Marsh and Edward Jacob Bartel were accused of child cruelty after tattooing their children using a device fashioned from a guitar string. Because apparently, nothing says "I love you" like the gift of tetanus.

SG: Tattooing children? What in the world would you even tattoo on a child? (a tattoo of a Care Bear is shown) Oh! Oh, that's rather cute, actually. Wait wait--no, no! I would like to think that at some point while these parents were using a string from a guitar, and the motor of a vacuum cleaner to stab an unknown ink onto the skin of their children for at least one brief moment, one of them thought, "Hey. Perhaps this may be a bad idea?" And then, I remember this is the same planet that invented the snuggie. You know, this certainly can't be right. I don't believe I can get an accurate idea of your dealings with children based on these stories alone. I'm going to need to investigate your culture further.

(Space Guy is looking at the instructions of a Lego model set, then throws the instructions away)

(He's now holding up a cat doll, looking over it, then looking at a diaper)

(Now he's watching Sesame Street, looking at the legos, shaking them around. He looks over the cat doll again. Next shot is of him watching Grover along with The Count, Kermit, and two other muppets I don't know)

SG: It looks like my cousin Gwelkafar's wedding reception!

(He's playing with the diaper again, then he starts eating legos like they're candy. Next bit of Sesame Street involves Bert and Ernie)

SG: Oh yeah. Those two are so gay.

(The cat doll starts singing the Meow Mix song, making Space Guy throw it away)

SG: Demon! (and shoots it with the raygun)

(More Sesame Street, this time involving Elmo and a sun)

SG: Oh, what is this? Fucking Elmo! Put the Cookie Monster person back on!

(Now he's wearing the diaper on his head)

SG: You know, I, um, don't feel right.

(Now he's watching Old Yeller, especially the scene where Old Yeller gets put down. Instead of sadness, he's laughing at it, still eating legos)

SG: Okay, you people are weird. But I'm not going to let that color my entire view of you as a species. And on my mind, you love your children. You wish to raise them well and wisely. You're a goodly people. While you have your problems, you are not apparently malicious or evil, or (Pennywise the Clown from "IT" comes out, making Space Guy take his gun out) Oh god! Kill it! Kill it!

(He shoots the camera, we get a test screen, then the credits, the last song being "Kids In America" by Kim Wilde)

Final quip: i swear to GOD, if any of you start eating legos I'll sue you for copyright.

(Nash limps back to his chair after the...banana incident, having to sit gingerly)

Nash: Aaah. Oh god. It is so good to be home. (he catches a weird smell in the air) Who's been farting plastic in here?