Man of Steel

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Man of Steel."

(Cut to Zod instead, glaring at the camera)

Zod:

(loudly) I. Am. Pissed!

I am not pleased.

At all.

I heard when planet Houston was planning this Superman reboot.

And you can imagine how filled with glee I was when I heard that General Zod was going to be in it.

Well, guess who wasn't in it? General Zod!

Instead, who did they get to play his part?

Some Willem Dafoe impersonator with a Moe Howard haircut!

I found this especially surprising when I saw who the director was - Zack Snyder.

A director so obsessed with the male form that half the machinery in this movie looks like male parts!

Keeping in mind this information, how is it I was not chosen for the part?!

(Gestures to self) This is all-natural Zod!

This material is skin-tight to show off my perfection.

The actor in this movie is dressed like a tank trying to be a monk!

(Shows picture of actor) Because of this, I have decided to completely sabotage this movie.

You heard right. Sabotage.

That's why I assure you that this Superman movie will be one of the worst Superman movies you will ever see.

Not number 3 or 4 bad. I can't work miracles.

But still, this one will be pretty bad.

For example, I broke the wrist of every cinematographer on this movie.

Guaranteeing that there will be absolutely no still shots in the entire film!

Ho ho, you thought "The Hunger Games" shaky cam was bad.

(Shakes hands around) Get ready for catching Parkinson's!

On top of that, using my incredible sucking powers...

Get your mouths out of that comment box!

I managed to completely suck away all of the actors acting abilities!

Amy Adams? Bland.

Laurence Fishburne? Bland.

Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner? (pauses) ...You know, I didn't have to do that to them.

On top of that, I also managed to catch up with the film's editor.

(flexes) Using my incredible Zod muscles, which I call "Zucles" - copyrighted Zod. (Spelled on-screen as such)

I managed to beat his brains out so severely that he's got short-term memory loss!

Because of this, he completely forgot the order in which he edited this movie.

When Superman lands as a baby on Earth, he's suddenly a fisherman.

Whenever he's about to talk to Lois Lane, he'll suddenly be 12.

And, whenever there's a moment that's about to develop any character whatsoever, (smacks hands) action scene!

Tornadoes, buses falling, explosions, fake mes attacking.

It'll jump around so much you'll make more of an emotional connection to your popcorn!

On top of that, I laser eye'd thingy the original writers of this film.

Thus forcing them to instead get the creators of "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight." (pauses) Who have done nothing but tried to recreate "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight!"

I recall the same thing happening to that Home Alone writer.

Thus, the movie is totally convinced that it's trying to tell the story of Batman again.

Except I was even more devious.

Every time the writers would finish a scene that they put together, I immediately erased their memories!

Yes. You notice how that speech about what it means to be Superman seems to be the only dialogue that goes throughout the entire thing?

That's because they kept forgetting that they wrote it a million times!

There's another example of that at the very end.

Oh, by the way, spoilers. (shrugs) I'm supposed to do that.

Where Superman has fake me in a headlock and fake me is using his laser eye thingies to kill some people.

The way it's set up the people could of course duck or duck, run away... There's about 5 different ways out of it.

And Superman breaks his neck!

Another flaw in not hiring me. Nobody can break this sucker. (taps neck)

Superman screams in anger that he actually had to take another life.

In any other movie, this would obviously torture him and stay with him for the rest of his life--

Totally forgotten in the next scene!

That's right! It's like it never happened!

Because in the writer's mind, it did never happen.

(chuckles and points to self) You're a mean one, Mr. Zod!

Of course some of you might be wondering how could I erase their memories?

Well, you know that memory erasing kiss that was done in Superman 2? (pauses) ...Let's just leave it at that.

So now you know what happens when you don't hire General Zod to play General Zod.

I will ruin your movie forever and make it cinematic poison!

And I know that for many of you the movie was totally destroyed.

And some...argue those changes actually made it better for some reason.

Which is very reassuring to me. It shows you planet Houstians will be much easier to take over than I originally intended.

Next you'll be telling me you liked "The Purge."

As for me, I think I've destroyed any credibility that DC Comics used to have.

The time has come to move to Marvel and see if I can get a role playing that grape jelly thing in Avengers 2.

Until then, KNEEEELLL!

Chester:

(interrupts off-screen) Hey! Who locked the door?!

Zod:

I was never here. (goes to leave) Don't make me memory erase kiss you. (flies through ceiling)

Chester:

(comes in) Oh, it was a push instead of a pull. Well, anyway, OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever se-- (Starts fading to black) What? Where are you going? Hey, hey, come back! Come back! Where you going?

(During end title card) Hey, wait a minute! I was just getting started! And what's with all this debris on the ground? Did I fall through the ceiling again?