The Smurfs

(We start off with the usual opening for the Nostalgia Critic, then come to him entering the room with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers)

NC: I told you, I just reviewed a Fantastic Four movie. I'm not doing another one.

Tamara: But it was so bad!

NC: I don't care!

Malcolm: They couldn't even spell it right! Fant4stic.

NC: I don't care!

Tamara: It got half a percent on RottenTomatoes.

NC: How the hell do you do that?

Malcolm: It found a way.

(NC opens up the closet and discovers the Black Nerd inside wearing a Raphael mask and wielding sais)

BN: Cowabunga!

NC: Ahh!

Tamara: Black Nerd?

Malcolm: Yes?

Tamara: No, that one.

Malcolm: Oh.

NC: What are you doing in the storage closet?

BN: I'm here to do the Ninja Turtle movie review with you and Angry Video Game Nerd. Remember?

(NC flashes back to how that happened. The scene takes place with a blue filter, and with NC on the phone)

NC: I don't care if the Nerd is a bigger star, my face should be the bigger on the title card! (The doorbell rings) Come on, who's a bigger Ninja Turtle fan than me? (At the door is Black Nerd)

BN: Hey Critic. Heard you need a Ninja Turtles crossover with the Nerd.

NC: Yeah, sure, come on in. (He lets BN in) I don't care if I don't know anything about that one show. Or that one. Or that one! (He opens the closet door and leads BN in) Really, they made another one? I totally didn't know that. But nevertheless, I am the biggest fan, (He locks BN in the closet) and I deserve to be bigger on the title card. Everything about me is bigger than him! Including that! Don't ask how I know that!

(And we come back to the present)

Tamara: Wait, you've been in the storage closet that entire time?

BN: Eh, it's not so bad. I still made videos.

(The scene now takes place in night vision as he does his show in the closet)

BN: Hi, I'm Andre and I'm a black nerd. Today I'm gonna be reviewing boxes again. Yay boxes. Which do you think is better? Cardboard or plastic? They both keep you alive if you ever need to eat them. Like I do. (He bites into a cardboard box) I'm so cold.

(We come back to the present and in NC's place is Peter Griffin from Family Guy)

Peter: You think that's bad, how about the time--

(NC pushes him off screen)

NC: Enough of the cutaways!

BN: So are you finally ready to do the review?

Malcolm: Uh, we reviewed that a few months ago, didn't we?

NC: Yes, but seeing how I could be facing some serious criminal charges for this, let's go ahead and do the crossover anyway. It can be any movie you want.

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Any movie you want!

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Any movie you want!

BN: Smurfs!

NC: I'm sensing an Earth Girls Are Easy vibe from you.

BN: Smurfs!

Tamara: Fantastic 4 (2015)!

(NC knocks her out with a backhanded fist)

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Troll 2 it is. A little cliche, but I still think we get some good material out of it.

BN: (on the phone) Hello, police! Nostalgia Critic kidnapped another black guy again!

Malcolm: It's true!

(NC knocks Malcolm out and takes BN's phone)

NC: Let's do fucking Smurfs.

BN: Yay!

(As they leave, Tamara and Malcolm get up)

Malcolm: Man, (Steve) Urkel did not age well.

BN: I heard that, Theo (Huxtable)!

(Clips of the original comic and TV show for the Smurfs are shown along with footage from the movie)

BN (vo): The Belgian comic turned into an American cartoon has finally hit the big screen.

NC (vo): Well, technically the second time. (A poster for The Smurfs And The Magic Flute is shown. The arrow points to the tagline saying "It's the Smurfs ONE and ONLY full length motion picture...ever!") Fucking liars. Like most 80s cartoons, it banked more on selling merchandise than focusing on interesting stories.

BN: You take that back!

NC: NEVER!

BN: (picking up the phone) Police?

(NC smacks his hand down)

NC: It was mostly harmless.

NC (vo): So much so that I'm not entirely sure how you can get that much of a movie out of it. At least without being super creative.

BN (vo): Well, that's exactly what they did. At first. Rumor has it Paramount originally owned the rights to the movie and were looking to make it sort of a comedic epic fantasy. Think (poster of) Lord of the Rings meets (poster of) (The) Princess Bride.

NC (vo): Well that doesn't sound too--

BN (vo): Until Sony got the rights to the movie, saw (clip of) Alvin & The Chipmunks was a big hit and said, "Hey, we can do that! Just make them blue!"

NC: So wait, they're just ripping off that terrible Chipmunks movie?

BN: No!

NC: Oh thank God.

(BN pulls out a bucket labeled "Smurfs Movie," putting in all the...ingredients that went into the movie)

BN: They're ripping off the Chipmunks movie, and they're also ripping off Enchanted! And Fat Albert! And Masters of the Universe! All that's missing...is the crowning turd! (In his hand is a turd with a crown on it and covered in glitter)

NC: *gasp!* No, Black Nerd! Not Raja Gosnell! He's the cinematic equivalent of child syphilis!

(BN tosses the turd into the bucket which explodes, making them duck for cover! Out of a cloud of purple smoke, laughter is heard)

NC: You fool! What have you done!?

(Coming out of the smoke is a purple dragon)

BN: Yes, my satanic center! Let the world see you for the abomination that you are!

(The dragon blows fire at them, as well as Smurfs merchandise)

Dragon: Would you like to buy some Smurf merchandise?

NC: Evil takes many forms.

BN: This is a Smurfs movie. (whispering) I'll take two.