Mulan II

(An image of a frowny face emoji is shown)

Doug (vo): Just a head's up, everybody. The audio on this might sound a little distorted because I was actually screaming so much, I blew out the mike. I'm...sure you'll take that as a good sign. Enjoy.

(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Mulan II)

Doug (vo): Okay, so I've seen a lot of Disney sequels this year, and I've hated a lot of them, but for some reason, some strange reason, Mulan II, I hate the most. Now that's not saying it's the worst. It's not the worst animated, it's not the worst story. The third Beauty and the Beast probably has that distinction. But something about this one just rubbed me so the wrong way and got me legitimately angry, which is so strange, because the first Mulan, I didn't even get that into. I mean, I liked it, I thought it was fine, it had some good moments and stuff. But something about this one just made me appreciate it all the more when I see what it could have been, how awful it could have turned out.

Story
Doug (vo): Mulan is back home, training a bunch of kids how to be little warrior princesses, when her boyfriend drops by and proposes. She, of course, says yes, but this looks like bad news for Mushu, not voiced, thank God, by Eddie Murphy this time, but a much more unfunny Eddie Murphy impersonator, who's going to lose his job because he no longer has to look after Mulan. So it's up to him to try and split the couple apart. Yeah...doesn't that make him incredibly likeable? But come on. This is the sequel to Mulan, this girl that went in and defeated this army. Surely, some action's gotta be in here. Well, the Emperor of China sees that the Huns are about to attack. Okay, here we go. Now we're gonna get some good swordfighting. He calls in Mulan and what does he have her do? Escort these three princesses to be married. Yeah, because...a marriage will unite these two kingdoms, and thus, they can fight the Huns together.

Review
Doug (vo): Well...wait. That's it? That's really it? I mean, don't get me wrong. The movie makes it clear very early on that it isn't just about fighting and violence, it's about the center and peace and tranquility of the mind, but...really? This is the plot? Of course, they bring in the comic relief from the last film, and they're gonna fall in love with them, there's gonna be this whole thing about, "Oh, should they marry or should they not? You know, choose your heart", all that blah-blah-blah. But here's the thing: It isn't like being forced to marry just 'cause you're forced to marry 'cause of tradition. The future of China relies on this. That throws in a completely different element. But Mulan doesn't care! Oh, she just wants her girlfriends to be happy! Eeee!

(Scenes focusing on Mushu, the argument scene, and the climax are shown)

Doug (vo): But to make things worse, Mushu is constantly trying to split up the main couple throughout the entire movie, and I mean the entire movie! He suddenly becomes the most despicable, unlikeable character in the world! And what makes it even worse is, that it kind of works! The boyfriend just goes off on Mulan in this really uncomfortable animation...by God, what the hell's he even doing? Mulan, at some point, through some bullshit, realizes that it wasn't true and she's gonna fall in love with him again and marry him, but then he disappears. So she thinks now she has to marry one of these princes to unite the two kingdoms. The climax? Every dumbass romantic comedy you've ever seen, where the bride is gonna marry the person she doesn't want to marry, and the guy has to come in, confess his love, and some sort of dumb comedic ass happens. I'm just gonna warn you, I'm gonna get into spoiler territory here, but I'm sorry. This is really important to talk about. So, Mushu tries to make everything better by telling them that they don't have to marry. Well, okay. The three princesses marry the men they want, Mulan marries the boyfriend, but...what about China? They're doomed! There's no alliance! The Huns are going to attack! China is officially destroyed because of this! But...at least they're marrying for true love! Ooh!

(Several scenes focusing on the three princesses talking with each other are shown)

Doug (vo): It's never addressed what happens after this. I wouldn't make that big a deal out of it, I know, direct-to-DVD sequel, ha-ha. But THEY make a big deal out of it! They keep talking over and over why they can't get married, how thousands will die if they don't join this union, and...in the end, I guess they just let thousands die. It's...it's really awful!

(Several song sequences are shown)

Doug (vo): There's only one good song in the whole thing, and it's the first song. All the others are either hand-me-downs or repeats. Yeah, they just repeat half the songs. Girl Worth Fighting For comes back.

Final thought
Doug (vo):