Deep Hurting

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Each time I sit down to do one of these episodes, when I shuffle through the big pile of links which lead to stories of madness, mayhem, and...genitals, what I really look at what I produce for you fine, fine viewers, I'm filled with a single feeling, one lone sensation, one solitary physical experience that runs through my entire being: pain! And you know, that got me thinking. (beat) Go ahead and insert your own joke there, I know you're going to anyway. What's stopping the subjects of these shenanigans from experiencing the same? You would think the obvious result of, I don't know, trying to fix a lawnmower blade with nothing but raw determination and your own penis would be shrieking agony, but that self evident outcome seems to elude so many of our species, leading to...this show. Not following me? Well, looks like it's Elaboration Time!

(Nash throws up an Elaboration Time logo in the style of Adventure Time as we come to our cartoon, A Brief History of Owie)

Nash (vo): The biological impulse we call pain is broken down simply enough. (Stick Boy waves at the audience before an axe falls through his arm) Part of our anatomy suffers an injury. (blood starts gushing from the arm. Stick Boy looks over before screaming in pain) This in turn provokes our nervous system to send a signal to the brain that more or less amounts to, "Holy shit brain, something done broke." (and of course, we get the head exploding scene from Scanners) It alerts us to trouble and allows us to take action to remedy the problem. Not only is pain an alarm, the memory of pain is also intended as a warning. If you attempt something ill-advised, (a woman trying to do an upside down split on a pole) and it results in injury, (the woman falls down onto the floor) you'll be less likely to do it again. Yet for some damn reason, even with full knowledge of the outcome, people will do the same thing again, (another girl is on top of the pole, only to fall down) and again, (a stripper on a pole gets the split, but ends up falling down), and again. (now a guy tries to do it, but falls down) For them, pain is not so much a warning, as a challenge. (Stick Boy's eyes are going wonky as his arm continues to gush blood before falling down) Oh don't worry, he'll be fine. (one more gush of blood) Probably.

Nash: Oh don't look at me like that, he's okay! Stick Boy, you okay? (Stick Boy shoots at Nash, making him duck) Yeah, he's okay. So, given our topic this go-round, it should come as no surprise we're starting in Florida. Have your Excedrin on standby.

(The report is titled "Police stun naked man in Clermont neighborhood")

Nash (vo): When it come to actions that would lead to pain, you wouldn't think of a leisurely afternoon stroll. Then again, most of you wouldn't do it naked, and more than most of you wouldn't stalk a grade school girl from the bus stop. Except you in the back. I'm watching you. And as sure as night follows day, cops follow pervert. With a taser.

Nash: Hm, Mr. Owl, how many shocks does it take to drop a lunatic?

Mr. Owl: (from the Tootsie Pop commercials) Let's find out. One, (a clip of a guy putting a taser to his arm and dropping like a bag of rocks) two-hoo, (another guy putting a taser to his hand and going down), three! (a guy with a censor bar saying "Him is NAKED!" around his junk is shown about to stick a fork in an electrical socket. once it goes in, the scene blacks out and he screams like the dumbass he is) Three.

Nash: Thanks, Mr. Owl! Yep, the police had to light his naked ass up three fucking times with the taser before he collapsed, to which I can only marvel how that's some goddamn determined crazy. Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou!? What did you think was gonna happen? (realizes what he said) Wait, wait, do not answer that. The point is, if you toddle off down the sidewalk in nothing but your foreskin and try to make small talk with a kindergartener, and you DON'T expect someone to react with a can of fuck-your-couch, then my question to you is this: did you do ALL the drugs, or did you save any for the rest of us? While we're on the subject of shoulda-known-better, let's move to Fort Worth, Texas. Ever do something when you were a kid that you knew would cause your parents to beat you senseless, but you wanted the attention? Yeah, this guy never grew out of that.

(The report is titled "Police Chase Shirtless Man on Forklift")

Nash (vo): The majority of us would pass by a piece of construction equipment and continue on our day, but not 43-year old Timothy Raines. For him, it was four wheel, low speed freedom. So he pulled off his shirt, grabbed a beer, and led police on a merry chase down the Interstate. And we got video!

(A clip of the forklift chase is shown as the Forklift Song from Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays)

Song: Now strap in tight/Let's get set for action/To launch the ship up off the sand/He tried to kill me with a forklift/Huzzah!

Nash: And of course when the po-po stopped him, they were waiting with open arms! And fully charged stun guns! You see, when you steal a forklift, the police--(the forklift song plays)--yes, we did that joke already. Look, there are many things you can do to end up in the Youtube Hall of Shame, but I'd rank stealing a forklift--(the song plays again)--Okay! MST3K, forklift, we've played the video, played the forklift video, FORGET THE FUCKING JOKE ALREADY! *sigh* Anyway, if you've middle age and you can't find a way to pass by a forklift without--(the song plays once more, making Nash grab his hammer, stand up and bash something above him shouting "fuck you" over and over)

(We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please do not provoke the raging jackass.)

Nash: (still holding his hammer, smiling nervously) Heh. We're having a good time! (he sees he still has the hammer in his hand and puts it down) Next story. Normally when we taunt others, we're aware the reaction could be anything from a gentle rebuke, to the burning agony of attempting to pry a baseball bat from our own colon. But thanks to the distance provided by the internet, most kids don't get that talking shit can result in eating teeth. Except this one.

(The report is titled "Grown man hunts down and attacks child who kills him in Call of Duty game")

Nash (vo): From the UK, 46-year old Mark Bradford had settled in for a quiet evening of blowing people the fuck up. But his 13-year old provoked him via trash talk to the point he went to do some real world pwnage, tracking the teen down and choking him shitless. Jesus, what did the kid say?

(We get a clip of the angry German kid who's shouting at his computer in German, with gag subtitles)

Kid: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! (then the kid freaks out and starts smashing his keyboard)

Nash: *sigh* Okay, in the modern era, there's a simple rule that's generally adhered to the world over. If you are not the legal or biological owner, you do not touch a kid! For one thing, it's a fucking kid! At 13-years old, he likely has more craters and cheese than an entire stack of Pizza Hut, and more intimate relationship with his right hand than he does with any other potential mate. This is not what I'd call an honorable battle. And, for another thing, stop and think of anyone who behaved like that at 13 who amounted to much more than a master of the phrase, "would you like fries with that?" Trust me, if you want someone to kick his ass, just sit back and let life beat the shit out of him for you. But that's not to say causing pain is never justified. You could be defending yourself. You ccould be defending a loved one. Or you could be biting an old man in a Hooters' parking lot to feed on his blood. (beat) Probably not that last one.

(The report is titled "Female 'Vampire' Busted In Bloody Biting Attack")

Nash (vo): And we're back in Florida, because, where else would this happen? 22-year old Josephine Smith was arrested after she lept upon a 69-year old homeless, wheelchair bound victim and proceeded to bite him in the face. And during the attack, she was quoted as saying, I fucking shit you not...

(And we get a clip of Vampire's Kiss with Nicholas Cage's character, Peter Loew, running down the street)

Peter: I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!

Nash: I also want to point out that during her arrest, the police actually had to inquire...what had become of her pants. What the fuck is wrong with you!? Look, if you happen to think you may be somehow have been turned into a creature of the night, uh, take this little quiz.

(A picture of a family frolicking in a field, in the daytime, is shown)

Nash (vo): Number one, can you go out in sunlight?

(A lego version of a cross and a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character are shown. Could be Supernatural though)

Nash (vo): Number two, can you endure the sight of a cross? And...

(A picture of a green circle saying "The obvious escapes many")

Nash (vo): Of course, number three, (a picture of Maximus from Gladiator is shown with the caption "Where are my pants!?") do you know where the fuck your pants are!?

Nash: If you answered yes to all these questions, then it's a good fucking bet you're not a fucking vampire. (beat) And beyond that, that the best prey you could possibly acquire is a disabled senior citizen, I feel sure that "vampire" is not the ideal career for you. If you need to feed off the living, but can't quite master keeping track of your underwear, try something a little more suited to your talents. Like being a lobbyist. For our last story it's off to New York, where if there's ever been a case of man crazy...it's this.

(The report is titled "Man Who Plotted Fake Bear Attack on Ex-Girlfriend Jailed")

Nash (vo): Meet Clyde Gardner, a man with a problem: his ex-girlfriend. So the solution seemed obvious: hunt down a bear, skin it, then dress up in the carcass and use it's powerful claws to slaughter the mother of his child. And by "obvious," I mean "what the fucking fuck!?" Fortunately for all involved, since his plan hinged on looney toons physics, it was doomed from the start.

(The Chicken Dance plays)

Nash: And once again, it's time to do the math. This, (a clip of a bear is shown) plus this, (an arguing man and woman are shown) equals fucking this! (a clip from a movie is shown where a bear punches out a woman. That happened, folks)

Nash: Alright, um, number one, it's a bear. Uh, number two, it's a bear! And number three, probably most important, holy shit you fucking idiot, it's a goddamn bear!! You can't just wander out into the woods with a pic-a-nic basket and snag yourself the perfect murder weapon! At any point in the planning in this plot, did it occur to you that maybe, just maybe, the bear might be displeased at being made part of this non-fuckery!? If you thought this plan was a sensible idea, then I'm pretty sure the bear would end up being the well fed victor. Then again, if the thought of the potential agony of getting your nuts gnawed on by Not-So-Gentle Ben wasn't enough to deter you, perhaps your destiny was to discover just exactly a bear shits. (An anatomy chart of a bear is shown) The hard way. (a ding is heard as an arrow pointing to the bear's butt saying "You are here" is shown) And that's exactly my point. Pain is a powerful deterrent for a reason! It's meant to keep you from doing stupid things like--(suddenly Nash feels incredible pain)--eee-oh my god, what the hell!?

(The Peanut Butter Jelly Time song plays before cutting back to Nash in pain before being released from it)

Nash: What the hell was that? Such terrible agonies! It's like someone put my head in a--(another round of pain)--jumping monkey boobies!

(Now we get Nyan Cat flying through space)

Nash: Fucking ow!! Where's that coming from!?

(Space Guy cuts in)

SG: So, tell me honestly, on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rate that?

Nash: (quite pissed that it was SG's fault) You!

SG: No, I need a number. Or, uh, data. "You" is not a number. Or proper grammar for that matter, it should be "you are,"--(Nash interrupts)

Nash: Wait, shut up. What data?

SG: Oh, the study of the human pain response, of course. I mentioned that, right?

Nash: No! No you didn't! You in no way mentioned, inquired, or asked my consent (speaking through his teeth) for such a thing!

SG: Ah. (beat) Oh well, next test! (he presses a button, giving Nash more pain)

Nash: Aaa! Penis biscuits!

(We get a clip from Transformers 1 as Bumblebee "lubricates" Agent Simmons)

Optimus Prime: Bumblebee, stop lubricating the man.

(Nash is let go from the pain)

SG: So? Number? 1 to 10? Come on, chop chop, haven't got all day.

Nash: Why!?!?

SG: Why? Because the scale uses numbers. It's a scale, that's...sorta what they do.

Nash: No! Asshole! Why are you doing this?!

SG: Oh? Oh! Oh, well, um, my species does not have a pain response.

Nash: Wait, what!?

SG: Well, not as you understand it. Our nervous systems are comprised of various energy pulses and vibrational frequencies, they don't correspond to your...meat based feely things, uh, so I decided to see how yours worked.

Nash: You so need a hobby!

SG: You have no idea.

Nash: Look, pain isn't something you can study without a frame of reference! There's nuance and levels and subtle differences. There's everything from stubbing your toe, to "Oh shit, my dick's in a blender." You can't appreciate it by description.

SG: Hm, well that's disappointing. Unless...

Nash: Please let that sentence end in "I go the fuck away."

SG: No. Unless I take your brain data from the computer and map it onto my own. Computer, compile the information onto my brain.

Computer: Acknowledged.

SG: There we are. Ew.

Nash: What?

SG: This is what your nervous system feels like?

Nash: Yeah. Why?

SG: Oh, nothing, it's...(poking at his hand) just a bit like being made out of...soggy, angry bacon.

Nash: And now I can never eat at Denny's again.

SG: (still feeling himself) Well, might as well make the best of this. All right, come on human. Test my pain threshold.

Nash: You're sure?

SG: Of course. I'm from space!

Nash: All right! (he picks up his phone) Lemme just connect this to the feed, and...go. (he presses a button, making Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" play, giving Space Guy incredible pain)

SG: Oooh, sweet owwa! Balls! (as he feels pain, the ship begins to spark up around him) The pain! Make it stop!

Nash: Hold on, I'm trying, uh, um, (SG's still suffering while Nash tries to turn the music off) oh fuck, the app on Android crashed. Did I get a bad update? Oh motherfucker. Uh, you're maybe gonna have to give me an hour. I'm gonna google a fix for this, so... (SG's still in misery)

Computer: System overload. Initiating emergency (slowing down) shutdown. (the ship goes dark)

SG: Oh poop.

(The ship falls from space toward Earth, then we cut to the Nostalgia Critic about to do a review)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Well today I'm gonna do a little something out of the norm and review a good nostalgic movie. (picking up the dvd for Citizen Kane) It has great characters, a compelling story, (the music is still going on as SG's ship gets closer) excellent direction and is it me or does anyone else hear Katy Perry music?

(Space Guy's ship crashes into Chicago, most likely where NC's house is)

SG: It's okay! No one panic! I'm fine!

Nash: (wide-eyed) Well, that's all for this week. (Stick Boy leans in) Uh, this is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (Nash looks around nervously before Stick Boy takes out a sign saying "You are so fucking fired.")

(We come to our credits for the episode, the song being "It Hurts Too Much" by Eric Carmen)

Final quip: So, does an explosion involving Katy Perry constitute a dirty bomb?

(One last clip of Nicholas Cage going "I'm a vamipre!")