Doom

(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence are shown, then open on Devil Boner and Benny the Assassin playing a video game, yelling inaudibly as they do, cheered on by NC; they are playing DOOM)

NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Every once in a while, you just gotta relive a classic game, and for us, that game is DOOM!

(Footage of the game is shown)

NC (vo): One of the best first-person shooters ever, (the cover art is shown) DOOM premiered in 1993, following a lone space marine on Mars who has to fight off demons from Hell. It's as bare-bones bloody as it gets, and it kicks ass to revisit it again.

(Suddenly, Hyper Fangirl walks in)

HFG: And it's about to get a whole lot better! (holds up a cover reading: DOOM: The Game of the Movie)

DB: Whatcha got there, devil horn?

Benny: DOOM: The Movie: The Game? (HFG nods)

DB: Is it any good?

HFG: It has to be. The movie had The Rock and R rating and rapid gunfire.

DB: Ooh, the three sacred Rs!

Benny: Did you ever see it?

HFG: No, but a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (NC looks confused) of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend did.

Benny: And?

HFG: He didn't like it. But it's the game version; what's to screw up?

NC: Did you ever play Street Fighter: The Movie of the Game?

HFG: No, but a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend–

NC: Just put it in!

HFG: Okay. (does so)

Benny: Let's kill some Hell demons!

DB, Benny and HFG: (in unison) YEAH!

(The game starts and we see the first level of the original game, only darker, with the face of the main character of the movie, John Reaper Grim, played by Karl Urban, below, a slower version of "Demons on the Prey" and no demons. NC's excitement starts to fade away, as the game continues as the player goes through a door to only some corpses lying around and still no demons. HFG's, DB's and Benny's excitement starts to fade, too)

Benny (vo): There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of monsters.

DB: Hm, maybe there would, if they would just turn the damn lights on.

HFG: (excited again) Oh, there's one!

(An infected soldier appears with a different version of "The Imp's Song" playing to that, but when Benny shoots him, the music turns back to "Demons on the Prey" with no more enemies around. DB loses his composure)

HFG: (annoyed) Is that it?

Benny: Not very eventful.

HFG: (after a beat) Wait, there's another one!

(All three are getting excited again, but once this enemy is dead, too, it again goes back to the dull exploration)

HFG: (gets frustrated again) Hmm, back to walking.

DB: You know, you'd think the forces of Hell would have a little bit more variety in their offense.

Benny: They do.

HFG: (excited again) A scientist! Shoot her!

(We see a female scientist in front of our protagonist, starting to talk with the player, indicated by a text box stating "What would you like to know?" When Benny tries to shoot at her, indicated by a loud button press, nothing happens)

Benny (vo): I can't.

HFG: Wait, you're supposed to ask her questions?

Benny (vo): I think it's more of a mystery than a shoot 'em up.

DB: Anyone noticed DOOM: The Movie: The Game kinda sucks?

HFG: Oh, we'll ask her where all the Hell spawn is.

Scientist (Tamara): (Her answers appear in the text box) There are no Hell spawn here. Hell is a metaphor for our current predicament.

(DB, Benny and HFG throw up their arms and give a disappointed roar)

Scientist: But we do have zombies, that's kind of cool. Shoot the dead people so they don't come back to life.

DB: So you are supposed to shoot non-moving people that are already dead?!

HFG (vo): Even Jesus couldn't heal how lame this is!

Benny: Wait, there is The Rock.

(Asher "Sarge" Mahonin, played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, appears in the game, but he also only talks to the player)

Sarge (Malcolm): (His sentences also appear in the text box) I am turning into an evil demon.

DB: Ah, now we're talking.

(All of them are getting excited again, until they realize "turning into an evil demon" means getting yellow glowing eyes and nothing else)

Sarge (Malcolm): There! I'm an evil demon now!

(The three throw their heads up, give another disappointed roar and are fed up with the game)

HFG: What the hell?! This is supposed to be red-meat chewing mayhem!

DB: (to NC) Tell me the movie isn't this dull.

NC: Alright. The movie isn't this dull.

DB: (satisfied) Oh, good.

NC, Benny and HFG: It's even duller.

(DB looks shocked. The title of the 2005 movie is shown before going to its clips)

NC (vo): In a continuing pattern of video game movies sucking pixel ass, Doom should've been the easiest crowd pleaser to make. You got The Rock, gore and a premise about shooting demons from Hell on Mars. You have to try to make this uninteresting. But, oddly enough, we got an adaptation that's both not faithful enough and yet somehow too faithful. It's an intriguing disaster that deserves to be explored.

NC: (goes to sit in his chair) So, let's see why Doom is dumb. This is...

(We cut back to the game)

Sarge: Would you like to use the BFG?

DB, Benny and HFG: YES!

Sarge: You may fire it twice at a wall...and then never again.

DB: Son of a...

(All three of them pull out their guns and aim in the direction of the camera to fire at the game)

NC: ...Doom.

(Gunshots can be heard and NC turns his head in their direction. The movie starts with...a black screen that is slowly turning into a star filled universe)

NC (vo): Weirdly, it prolongs the Universal logo to give us this incredibly important information.

Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike): (narrating) Archeologists working in the Nevada desert discovered a portal to an ancient city on Mars. We're still struggling to understand why it was build.

NC: (whispering) Could it have something to do with the spice?

(We see the usual Universal logo, but this time it's rolling above Mars and not Earth)

NC: (confused) Okay, was that essential to put before the studio ID? It's like starting off Jurassic Park with...

(Cut to a raptor in front of a tropical forest background)

Raptor (Doug): Dinosaurs are a thing!

(Immediate cut to the Universal logo seen in Jurassic Park)

NC: Who am I kidding? With the route they are going, (poster of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is shown) they might do that.

(The first scene of the movie shows an architectural structure on Mars. We zoom inside the facility and see some people, most likely scientists, running away from an unknown creatures while some of them are getting caught by them)

NC (vo): We start out on Mars and...so far it seems on the right path. With scientists running from some sort of evil presence.

Female scientist: Dr. Carmack!

(Dr. Carmack, played by Robert Russell, starts to activate the closing mechanism for the security gate instead of waiting that the woman reaches him in time. The gate closes right in front of her)

Female scientist: Dr. Carmack! Dr. Carmack!

NC: (as Carmack while a security gate starts closing in front of him) Now, who regrets taking the last donut this morning?

(The female scientist puts her left arm through the almost closed gate, which gets caught and crushed by the gate. Whatever was chasing her catches up to her, starts to attack her, which leaves her arm separated inside Carmack's lab with her blood splattered on the gate. Carmack looks in horror to that, while NC looks surprised by this introduction to the movie)

NC: (shakes his body, knowing that the rest of the movie mostly sucks) How do you gonna screw this up?

NC (vo): This is like the perfect opening to a DOOM film.

Dr. Carmack: (sends a message for help) This is Dr. Carmack, Classified Research, Olduvai, ID 6627.

NC: (as Carmack) I fear I made a game where the movie Event Horizon will be a better adaptation.

(We then cut to a dark corridor with the caption "Marine Corps Special OPS RRTS Headquarters Twentynine Palms, California, USA" in the lower center before seeing GySgt Asher "Sarge" Mahonin's sitting on computer. The camera zooms in on his shirtless back)

NC (vo): We cut to Earth, where The Rock plays a space marine who's so built, even the camera seems to get lost in his packs.

Commander: (over headset) ...UAC property. Maintain quarantine at both Ark portals by any means necessary.

NC: Christ, I think the camera is fogging up...

(The scene plays again with fog added on its lower half)

NC (vo): ...from the heavy breathing the camera operator is giving.

NC: (takes out his phone) Actually, who was the camera operator on this?

(He opens the IMDb page of the movie and is shocked to see that the camera operator was Hyper Fangirl [replacing John Bailie's name]. NC, Benny and DB look at her in confusion)

HFG: You sneak on set to get footage of a celebrity that you're stalking, and they credit you. (laughs)

(We see the rest of Sarge's squad in their quarters. Two of them are playing baseball and one of them, Sgt. Gregory "Duke" Schofield, played by Razaaq Adoti, is playing a video game and nearly gets hit by an orange)

NC (vo): We see his crew of marines who are totally gonna live long lives, as they partake in the most advanced of futuristic handheld gaming...Tiger Electronics*. Gregory "Duke" Schofield (Razaaq Adoti): You're trying to get nasty now, huh? No, you- No, you dead. You dead, sucker.
 * Galaxian 2 was not made by Tiger Electronics. It was developed by Entex Industries, a famous toy and electronic game manufacturer

NC: (as Duke) Don't bother me, man. I'm playing Duck Goes Up and Down on 90's cellphone!

NC (vo): You know a movie's in trouble when it's based on a game and they can't get games right*. (Sarge has entered the quarters and is standingon the stairs)
 * Galaxian 2 is a handheld port of the arcade game Galaxian. And taking into account that most ports of arcade games are considered video games, this comment was unwarranted

Sarge: Listen up, men. (Duke turns to him) The leave is cancelled.

Duke: Oh, man.

Sarge: You got a problem with that, Duke?

Duke: Me, Sarge? Hell, no, I love my job.

NC: (as Duke) But I was just five seconds away from retirement. That's literally...

(A frame of a well-dressed man with wife and kids is edited in the quarters scene)

NC (vo): ...retirement right there, coming towards me with my future beautiful wife and kids.

NC: (still as Duke) Oh, well, I guess one more mission is gonna kill me... I mean, is gonna kill me... I mean- Why can't I say the word "isn't"?

NC (vo): He is joined by Soldier John Grimm, played by Karl Urban, who acknowledges his sister is on the Mars station that they're heading towards.

Sarge: (sitting in an elevator across John) How long has it been?

Reaper: (slightly depressed) Ten years.

Sarge: You sure she's even still up there?

NC: (waves his hand in a dismissive manner) It's not that. He's just terrified of space travel, remember?

(John's scenes are switched with dialogue from Urban's Leonard McCoy from Star Trek (2009))

Leonard McCoy: Any tiny crack in our hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. I may throw up on you.

NC: (turns to the side) Jokes on...

(The next frame shows three of Urban's other characters he has played: Judge Dredd from the 2012 remake Dredd, Éomer from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and Skurge from Thor: Ragnarok. Dredd's frame jumps a bit forward)

NC (vo): ...Judge Dredd, Éomer and Skurge, be ready.

NC: You could be needed at any time.

Reaper: I guess you have to face your demons sometimes.

(Cut to Sarge's face before a siren goes on and the room turns red in an unsubtle way)

NC: (nods unsurprised) That's Doom's idea of symbolism, huh? You know, it was gonna be followed up with...

NC (vo): I think we should be more environmentaly safe. (Cut to Sarge and the siren, but this time the room is covered in a green light) I'm just feeling so down. (Now the room turns blue) I'm afraid I might chicken out. (Now yellow) Can this thing go to ludicrous speed? (Now into the plaid design of the ludicrous speed from Spaceballs)

(The squad is ready and armed, standing in a pose mostly used for movie posters. After that we see the inside of the UAC facility)

NC (vo): They do their Expendables pose and go inside the UAC facility. UAC.

NC: That's the sound Bayou Billy makes before he dies.

(The footage from the game The Adventures of Bayou Billy is shown, showing the titular character grunting and losing a life. Back to the movie, the squad waits for the teleporter to get ready. The teleporter is a water-like ball flowing out of a hole in the ground and consuming the person who wants to teleport, spitting them out on the other side)

NC (vo): So it turns out the portal to Mars is the exact same as Galaxy Quest. A cartoon splooch consuming you and physically throwing you to another planet.

NC: Yeah, word of advice, if you...

NC (vo): ...can see (shot of...) The Great Gazoo traveling the same way...

NC: ...it's probably not gonna be taken that seriously.

(All of the marines have arrived safely in the Mars station, with just one of them throwing up)

NC (vo): And here we are: Mars. (beat) Looks exactly like the set we were just on. Like, no difference.

(A frame from the facility on Earth is edited in the upper right corner, showing that the general design of the room is similar to the Mars facility, only a little bit brighter)

NC: By God. You change the light bulbs, and suddenly, (mocking voice, waves his fingers beside his head) you travel through space. (Normal voice) Ooh, ooh, let me show you my rocketship!

(His "rocketship" is a cardboard box located in the backroom of the studio, where all the costumes and props are stored. The cardboard box has a childish rocketship painted on the side with an edding. NC sits excited in the cardboard box, pretending to be an astronaut)

NC: I'M IN SPACE!

(One marine, named Marcus "Pinky" Pinzerowsky (Dexter Fletcher), appears, shown to be handicapped and riding in some sort of a cycle)

NC (vo): But it looks like not everyone who used the portal, or Ark travel, as they call it, had a successful ride in the past.

Reaper: He went to one galaxy, his ass went to another.

Pinky: Unbelievable as it may seem, UAC does make the odd tiny mistake.

NC: (hand resting on cheek) How didn't nobody make a Uranus joke? (reaches out the hand to the camera) Your "so bad, it's good writing" card, please!

NC (vo): They quarantine the area, which apparently means creeper immunity is temporarily lowered.

(Corporal Dean Portman, played by Richard Brake, walks up to some of the female scientists)

Portman: We're under a Level 5 quarantine, so I am just gonna have to strip search you girls.

NC: (shrugs, chuckling) Rapists!

(Reaper's sister, Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike), comes up to the marines)

NC (vo): They come across Dr. Grimm who was assigned to retrieve data from her lab.

Reaper: We really don't have room for passengers.

Sam: I have orders to retrieve data from three servers.

Reaper: This is a military operation, Doctor. We're really not here to retrieve your science homework.

NC: (as Reaper, doing "the smoulder") Listen to my eyebrows. They know what they're talking about.

Sarge: Is this gonna spoil my day?

Reaper: No, sir.

Duke: (looking aside playfully) Tell me you didn't let a fine-looking piece of ass like that get away from you, Reaper.

NC: I know he's talking about her, but his eyes are on The Rock.

Duke: Tell me you didn't let a fine-looking piece of ass like that get away from you, Reaper.

Reaper: She's my sister.

Duke: No shit?

NC: (as Duke) The Rock's your sister? (scoffs) You'd think you know a woman.

(The marines search for the survivors in the facility, armed with impressive-looking guns)

NC (vo): So, I'll give credit, they get to the gun hunting pretty fast, again, making you think they're gonna just jump right into the action and gore. But it might be hard to see, as, apparently, this lab doesn't believe in any goddamn lights. And no, it's not that they're out, there are literally no lights to be found anywhere! (Multiple arrows point around the dark lab)

NC: Why do scientists in movies never want to see their science? (Dr. Nekhrovich from Mission: Impossible 2 and Dr. Jekyll from the 1931 film Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are shown)

(Cut to Reaper speaking with Sam in her lab)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, John hangs with her sister so they can pointlessly bicker like...well, whiny siblings.

(Reaper observes a skeleton under a glass)

Sam: Oh, yeah, meet Lucy. Lucy, this is my brother John, another creature from the long-lost past.

NC: (as Sam) Thanks for protecting me while I do my research, ass!

Sam: (presses a button on a keyboard to display data on a computer) This is Lucy's chromosome profile.

Reaper: My molecular genetics is a little rusty.

Sam: What's the first thing Dad taught us to look for?

NC: ...His beer?

Sam: Does it ever bother you you could've spent your life looking in a microscope instead of a sniper scope?

NC (vo): I don't even get why they hate each other. This is the backstory we're given.

(Cut to a scene from before)

Sarge: Reaper's parents led the first team of archeologists to Olduvai. They died in some accident when he was a kid. She followed in their footsteps, and he didn't.

NC: So why does that mean they attack each other every other second?

NC (vo): Their parents are dead, but they're both doing honorable work. Maybe they're in a contest of who can do the most awkward American accent.

Reaper: She's got 24 pairs of chromosomes.

Sam: We found no genetic disorders, no viruses, no cancers.

Reaper: So what, they were just naturally superior?

Sam: See, the earliest remains we found only had 23.

NC: (as Reaper, in an obvious British accent) We're bloody brilliant Americans, we ares!

Reaper: Bioengineered?

Sam: That's a long word for a marine.

NC: (as Sam) Again, thanks for the protection, dick!

(We're back to the marines, including Reaper, searching through the lab while the fast music plays)

NC (vo): Okay, the music's amped up. Now we're getting some action!

(Portman and "Goat" (Ben Daniels) hide to the sides of the destroyed metal door)

Portman: Fucking door has been ripped open.

Goat: There's something in Carmack's office.

NC: ...You think?!

NC (vo): The giant hold on the metal door draws that conclusion quite clearly, you dumbass.

(Reaper flashes a light around and discovers an injured and traumatized Dr. Carmack, who is holding a hand of the female scientist who wasn't able to get there in time)

Reaper: Don't move.

NC: (shivers) Newt has not aged well.

(Sam shows up, much to Reaper's chagrin)

Sam: Dr. Carmack, it's me, Samantha.

NC (vo; as Sam): Come on, guys, give him a hand.

(The audience boos)

NC: No regrets. (changes his usual hat to a cap that says "Pun Life" and lowers his head in shame)

NC (vo): They recognize him as the doctor, but he's clearly not well Mike Tyson-ing himself.

(Carmack rips his own ear off before we cut to "The Kid" (Al Weaver) and Dean Portman (Richard Brake) controlling another part of the complex)

Portman: A guy like Carmack/ he tears off his own ear/ It's shit like that that gets under your skin.

NC: Gotta love those marines that undermine one another.

The Kid: Do you have any? I'm just a little shook up. I need something to get my focus.

(Portman takes out some drugs)

NC (vo): Oh, and get high mid-mission.

(Portman carves a cross in his own skin, next to his arteries)

Portman: I took his name in vain.

NC (vo): Oh, and reacted taking the lord's name in vain by carving the lord's name in veins.

NC: (shows a frame from Immortan Joe from Mad Max: Fury Road) Immortan Joe had a more ballanced army!

(Cut back to the lab where Sam is taking care of Dr. Carmack with her co-worker Dr. Jenna Willits (Sara Houghten))

Sam: You're okay?

Willits: Did they find the others?

Sam: Not yet.

Willits: My husband is with them.

Sam: I'm sure Steve's fine.

NC: (confused) Who's Steve? Who're you?

(Shows a turned scientist eating some organs)

NC (vo): Maybe this is Steve. Maybe he'll finally give us some good action...

(He gets shot by the marines and flies backwards into a desk)

NC (vo): Or he is dead. Well, alright, there is something in the vents. That has to lead to some badass violence.

(The only thingin the vents is a monkey, who scares "Destroyer" (DeObia Oparei). This is followed by a clip from Dennis Hopper in Super Mario Bros.: The Movie)

Bowser (Dennis Hopper): A monkey.

(Both Destroyer and Sarge shot at the vents for a few seconds)

Sarge: (reaches Destroyer a hand) What was that?

Destroyer: A monkey.

NC: God, they even try to take something so obviously lame and try to make it sound intimidating´.

Sarge: (reaches Destroyer a hand) What was that?

Destroyer: A monkey.

NC: (as Destroyer) He took me through his... monkey rap. (The Monkey rap from Donkey Kong 64 plays in the background)

Singer: DJ. Donkey Kong.

NC (vo): Once again, something moves, they shot and rock music comes back for a couple of seconds before turning completely off.

(Reaper and his teammate shot at a creature, miss it and find a violently open vent in the floor)

Reaper: All units, all units, southest corridor, near the med lab.

NC (vo): And, once agian, that didn't go a shit, so let's get back to the scientist we're out of nowhere supposed to care about.

Sam: Now go on, go and be with your daughter.

Willtis: I want to stay.

Sam: Steve is gonna be okay. The guys looking for him are the best.

NC (vo): (as Sam) That's right. the pervy, drug-taking, cross-carving best.

Reaper: (to The Kid) Are you high?

The Kid: (obviously high) What? (laughs, while Reaper sighs)

NC: Makes a hand gesture that says "Go away") You know, you should go just to get away from them.

NC (vo): the Van Gogh inspired Doctor diappears while our marines are searching for... (sighs) freaking anything.

(They search in the sewers of the facility, as Portman falls into the water)

NC: (excited) Alright, here we go!

Sarge: Portman, what the hell happened?

Portman: I fell in the damn hole.

Sarge: Everybody on me: Watch your goddamn footing!

NC: (loses his excitement and shakes his head in disbelieve) Doom: (game logo is edited in) We have holes, Watch your goddamn footing.

NC (vo): Finally they come across something supernatural.

(Goat sees a pair of eyeballs staring right at him in the pitch-black darkness)

NC (vo): (as Pennywise from It (2017)) Hiya, Georgie.

(Goat then gets attacked and bitten by a multi-eyed, human-like creature before the marines start to hunt that creature)