2011 Chicago Snowstorm

Announcer:

And now Chester A. Bum covers the massive snowstorm in Chicago.

Chester:

(Is standing outside in the snow) This is Chester A. Bum for Channel Awesome, here to cover one of the biggest snowstorms that Chicago's ever experienced! At least I think it's one of the biggest. I'd be really surprised if this wasn't one of the biggest! Um... I'm not really sure why they have me out here. I...guess they just want somebody to cover the snowstorm. (Looks around and gestures up) There it is! It's cold, it's white, and it's freezing my nipples off! I... I-I don't even have a microphone. (Holds up "microphone" he'd been holding) It's just a marker. Sharpie. Gets good reception. I... I-I'm gonna stay out here and keep you informed about how things are going. (long pause) ...Why am I out here again?!

(Cut to title card saying "One Hour Later...")

(Gestures up) Still going! God's dandruff will not let up! I... It could be me, but I... I think it's actually getting colder! Maybe even worse. It's... It's not like those blizzards that you get in Dairy Queen. Those are delicious! This... (Bends down and picks up snow) This is not! This is very cold, and it... It hurts! At least it would hurt if I could feel my fingers anymore, which I cannot! I had to eat my toe to stay alive! Wasn't that bad. Not bad as you'd think anyway, but maybe that's because I lost all feeling in my tongue! Anyway, we'll keep you updated! Once again...still cold!

(Cut to title card saying "Another Hour Later...")

I never should have left the comfort of my box! I had a nice fireplace going until it set the box on fire, and now I have no place to live again, but that's usual! (Holds up Sharpie) You might be looking at my current residence right now!

(Cut to title card saying "Another Hour Later...")

What's wrong with you people?! Why... Why are you still watching this?! I'm freezing everything off! I can't feel anything! Look at this! (Hits head repeatedly) Nothing! And I usually can't feel anything either! At least I thought I couldn't! Y-You'd think all the alcohol and drugs would numb everything, but no! THIS is numb! This is- Look at this! (Goes to hit crotch and stops) Okay, I'm not gonna try that, but I'm sure I wouldn't be able to feel it! You people are sick! You're sick, sick people! Why are you still watching this?? Click off! (cries) Click off so I can go inside by the fire! God, somebody set me on fire! It'd be better than this! (sobs) Oh God, take me now! Take me now!

(Cut to title card saying "Another Hour Later...")

(Is now standing in the dark) Well, they wanted me to come out during the night to cover it. In case you're wondering, no, I'm not standing sideways. The snow is going horizontally! I guess they wanted me to come out here to tell you if anything is changed in the night. (looks around) It's pretty much the same. Oh, except for one little difference: It's colder!

(Cut to title card saying "Another Hour Later...")

Take me, God! Take me in all your warmness! Or not G- Screw God! Satan! Take me Satan! It must be so warm down there! I'm gonna start tunneling there right now! (Gets on hands and knees and starts digging at the ground) Come on! Come on! I'll use the marker! (Stabs it at the ground, sobbing) Come on! Come on! Are you home?! (wind blows) Ohh, it's actually colder! How does that happen?! Just when you think there's nothing left that you can't lose the feeling in, there goes your Johnson! The Johnson is gone! It's like there's nothing there right now! (cries) ...It's so cold it's warm. (Slumps over for a moment) ...Oh, what a shock. It's even colder!

(Cut to title card saying "Another Hour Later...")

(Is now inside, sipping from a teacup) Oh, hello. Ah, I have decided to do the rest of the weather report inside. Ah, apparently a person from across the street saw what I was doing and considered it intolerable cruelty. So, they invited me inside their house and, um... Channel Awesome will be looking forward to a, ah... Ah, how did he put it? Lawsuit. So, um, I will tell you how the rest of the storm is going. Ah, let me just check. (Checks weather on the computer in front of him) Yes, it is still snowing. It is still snowing. This is how most people get their weather report. Well, actually, not me. I don't have Internet. I just friggin' look outside! I don't watch some poor sap getting buried alive in the snow! What's wrong with you people?! Huh?! Terrible people! Shame on all of you! (sighs) There. At least I am inside right now where that nasty, horrible snow cannot get to me. (Goes to say more, then looks up and around as it starts snowing before looking at camera again) ...How is that possible?!