MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time XIV

(We open this episode with MarzGurl's husband, JoshKnighttheFirst, driving frantically)

Josh: Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!

(The street view is shown briefly)

Josh: I hope I'm not too late!

(The street is shown again)

Josh: Let's go, let's go, let's go, c'mon!

(Another brief view of the street)

Josh: He'll be there any minute! Gotta get there before he does!

(Cuts to the mailman, also played by Josh, who's walking down the block with a yellow package)

Josh: You!

(The mailman stops to see where the package is going and points to his destination)

Josh: (growls, determined to stop him)

(The mailman walks across the street)

Josh: I'm actually really sorry about this!

(He drives toward the mailman, bracing for impact. The mailman sees him and waves at him to stop, but screams girlishly and gets run over, dropping the mail. Josh digs through the mail, finding the package)

Josh: Gotcha! Sorry, buddy, it was either you or me.

(Josh quietly enters his house)

Josh: (nonchalantly) Hey, I'm home early.

MarzGurl: (off-screen) YOU!

(Dramatically zooms into her three times and she slowly turns her head)

MarzGurl: (ominously) You. knew!

(Computer screen shows The Land Before Time XIV on Netflix; dramatic music plays)

Josh: (whispers in horror) Oh, no!

(Cuts to her usual setting)

MarzGurl: Well, now I guess I gotta do this.

Josh: (off-screen) I tried to stop-!

MarzGurl: NO, Josh, no!

Josh: (off-screen) But-

MarzGurl: Now, this is happening...Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave. The fourteenth movie in The Land Before Time franchise. Why? Why here?! Why now?! Why as a Netflix and Walmart DVD exclusive?!

(Clips from Jurassic World are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): Well, there are a few explanations I can think of, that I know the still standing fans of The Land Before Time don't necessarily want to hear. When I heard that this movie was going to exist, I was POSITIVE that this was to also bank off the popularity of last year's release of Jurassic World, you know, since these are both dinosaur properties owned by NBC/Universal.

(Clips from The Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): But people would then try to come to me, saying,"No, that's not it, The Land Before Time XIV was being produced as early as early 2014, well before the release of Jurassic World in theaters!"

MarzGurl: Ah, very true, Land Before Time fans. (beat) But might I also direct you to the fact that Jurassic World had entered pre-production in 2013?

MarzGurl (vo): It's not like Universal doesn't know what's going on within their own doors; they knew exactly what they were doing and they knew that reviving yet another dinosaur franchise they owned as they were getting the current population back into dinosaurs could do nothing but profit for them. Only a theory? Yes, but you can't tell me that the idea for The Land Before Time XIV came about before Jurassic World, because it didn't, otherwise, it would seem really random to necro this movie franchise that's been dead for the last eight years, eight years after the TV series ended, and perhaps eight years since the last official web browser-based game was released. Like, for all intents and purposes, this should have all been over!

MarzGurl: But guess what? It's back, and I can only WISH it was in pog form.

MarzGurl (vo): Oh yeah, before I continue, just in case it isn't painfully obvious, this review does, in fact, contain spoilers.

MarzGurl: I typically don't feel like I need to say that, but considering this movie just came out this week, I feel like I'd better make that plainly apparent.

MarzGurl (vo): As I watched over this film immediately at its time of launch on Netflix, like the junkie I am, I realized a few things about it: its animation...is not necessarily terrible; it's fluid enough, without much stutter or clipping to be noticed.

MarzGurl: No, really, that's kind of a compliment.

MarzGurl (vo): It looks leaps and bounds better than the previous sequels, and it's never going to look as nice as the original 1988 film, but it does an okay job. That's not to say that it's perfect, it's pretty painfully obvious just how much Universal animation relied on computer-generated assistance. Obviously, everything has been colored via computer, but on top of that, there are a lot of jarringly obvious CG effects. This opening sequence here, for example of a walking herd of dinosaurs is really plainly CG. Then there's tons of falling rocks that plainly don't look like the rest of the 2D animation, or this moment in the movie where the dinosaurs have to push a tree over and it's just this obvious CG rubbery substance that looks bad against the rest of its environment, and then there are times where there will be dusty, smokey, stinky effects coming off of characters and objects, and for some reason, they're animated with much fewer frames than everything else around them and look much less fluid than anything else. These are animation flaws, and yet, I still categorize it as looking better than most of the other sequel movies.

(A clip from the first movie is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): It's nowhere near the intense camera dynamics of the first film...

(Back to The Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave)

MarzGurl (vo): ...and all too often, relies on one stagnant background, but the scenes are just a little bit better hidden than in the past.

MarzGurl: Here's another weird thing you're going to hear me say.

(The current Universal Studios logo plays, transitioning into the beginning of the movie)

MarzGurl (vo): It feels like Universal might have actually cared about continuity with this movie, by that, I mean, I'm glad to see they've come back, for starters, with a classic opening and closing narration. The narrator is a different voice than it's been in the past, but then, most of the voice actors in this film are replacements by now.

Narrator: Long, long ago, in a land before time, these great beasts ruled the world.

MarzGurl (vo): The narrator goes on to quickly describe the events in The Land Before Time X, where Littlefoot met his father Bron for the first time, and explains Littlefoot's desire to stay in the Great Valley with his grandparents and friends rather than joining Bron leading a migrating herd outside the Great Valley.

MarzGurl: You know what? Nice touch. No, really, it is!

MarzGurl (vo): So the movie starts with Littlefoot being thrilled knowing that his dad and migrating herd should be stopping by the Great Valley today, and of course, as is standard with all the sequels, he breaks into song.

Littlefoot: (singing) Hey, hey, hey, today's the day, my dad's coming home from far away

MarzGurl: If I may do something else that's shocking here, I mean, I don't really like that there are songs in The Land Before Time movies now, but this one isn't exactly poorly composed.

MarzGurl (vo): Like, it's a well enough structured song, it really is, it's, of course, simply completely juvenile.

Littlefoot: Today?! I forgot! Today's the day my dad comes back!

MarzGurl: Forgot? You made a whole song about it just now, I'm surprised you could forget.

MarzGurl (vo): Ah, another good thing, at least they left Spike alone and he doesn't talk in this movie. I mean, it's not like he talks in every movie, I'm just glad they made the decision to leave well enough alone. So in any case, Littlefoot goes to see his dad return with the herd, but he's not there. Instead, we get this amazing character, Wild Arms.

Wild Arms: Oh, I'm safe! Are we really here?! Someone, pinch me, please! (looks at Topsy) No, not you, no, not you,(chuckles) I'll pinch myself.

MarzGurl (vo): Wild Arms explains how Bron actually had been brave enough to save the entire herd from an erupting volcano and earthquake, but then got separated from everybody in the process. If we take Bron's story from The Land Before Time X into account, that marks the second time Bron got separated from people and family thanks to an earthquake.

MarzGurl: Man, brave dude, but he has some seriously bad luck!

MarzGurl (vo): As expected, after the previous thirteen movies, Littlefoot begs everybody around him to help him go find his dad and bring him back, but everybody says the trip is just too dangerous. It's at this moment that Littlefoot's family and loved ones should have specifically kept a close watchful eye over him, because he kind of has a history of trying to save the entire Great Valley all by himself or with the help of his friends, but you know, they don't, so off he goes on his own. Luckily for him, he has friends in Cera, Spike, Ducky and Petrie who are willing to come after him and help him. The parents and guardians of the kids don't even manage to notice that their kids are gone until it's nighttime, about halfway through the movie.

Topsy: Of all the wild stunts these young ones have pulled, this is the worst!

MarzGurl: Oh, so you do remember they've done this, like, twelve or so times before, okay. But, uh, this is the worst one, or you know, you could just be a bad parent, it could be that.

MarzGurl (vo): As the kids wander across dangerous territory headed in the direction of the volcano where they assume Littlefoot's dad is, I started coming to a shocking realization about this movie: I started seeing really familiar scenes. Littlefoot and Cera argue about whether or not to follow a giant crack in the ground. The kids eventually have to run up a cliff and knock a couple of Sharpteeth over an edge using rocks to help them. Littlefoot and Cera eventually have a huge blow up fight in the middle of a sandy area about who's right and who's wrong about directions, followed by Spike, Ducky and Petrie choosing to follow Cera and leaving Littlefoot to try to navigate by himself. Along with a number of other visual elements, one thing seems painfully clear to me...

MarzGurl: This is The Land Before Time redux!

(Clips from the first movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): As in, much like with what happened with Jurassic World, it seems obvious that the studio decided to take elements from the first, best, most successful film and just do them again. In some ways, that's a little lazy, but maybe in other ways, that was the smartest thing they could have possibly done. I mean, at no point does this movie ever hit the true grit or the emotional intensity the first movie did. You don't ever go all the way with feeling the hurt or heartbreak of Littlefoot as he's pushed to tears, losing his friends he wanted by his side, making a journey that he passionately knows he needs to make, which is why I almost consider this to be Land Before Time light mode.

(Cuts back to The Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave)

MarzGurl (vo): But the resemblance is quite obviously there. I mean, you're not ever going to get the kind of emotional response the first movie had when you have a horrible song like "Hot and Stinky" sung about smelling gross, so that predators won't eat you.

Petrie: (singing) Because we

All except Cera and Spike: (singing) Hot and stinky, stinky and hot

Littlefoot: (singing) We'll walk right past him and we won't get caught

MarzGurl (vo): But then, it's countered by the next song when Littlefoot separates from his friends, which is probably the best song in the movie.

Littlefoot: (singing) Who needs friends to slow you down, wasting our time with too much talking?

MarzGurl (vo): Rather than feeling angry at its existence, I was realizing that I wasn't thinking about anything as it was playing, and in the end, maybe that's the best thing I could have hoped for, just having songs that disappeared into the movie rather than sticking out like a sore thumb.

MarzGurl: But no, there's just no saving that Hot and Stinky thing.

Petrie: (singing) If we be hot

Littlefoot, Ducky and Petrie: (singing) And stinky!

MarzGurl (vo): It's not long before a sandstorm blows through and Littlefoot is forced into a cave while his friends are separated and covered in sand. Littlefoot comes across our movie's big name cameo, Reba McEntire voicing the character, Etta. The character, by no means, is terrible, however, I can't help but feel like the movie could have served the exact same purpose without her; she just sort of conveniently happens to be in the same cave as Littlefoot, and when the exit to the cave collapses, she ends up giving him advice on how to find the way out, you know, in song because, well, they managed to rope in Reba McEntire, so why not?

Etta: (singing) Look for the light, one little spark / A little bit of hope to lead you out of the dark

MarzGurl: Not awful, mind you, but really, not necessary.

MarzGurl (vo): In the end, Littlefoot figures out all on his own that there's a river inside the cave that leads outside, so he hardly needed any of Etta's advice or her bizarre non-sequiturs about any number of random sisters she seems to have.

Etta: She had to lot to say, my sister, like, "don't use your tail to sniff the trail"(giggles), always gets me.

MarzGurl (vo): Meanwhile, up above ground after the sandstorm, there's another unnecessary part of the movie featuring Petrie becoming the leader of tiny plant-eating dinosaurs completely by accident, and then rejoining Cera, Ducky and Spike and giving up his leadership.

MarzGurl: Well, that was short lived and unneeded!

MarzGurl (vo): But then, the four of them, while wandering in circles trying to find Littlefoot, run into a different Sharptooth that makes noises like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. I mean, go figure, it's a Universal property.

(The Sharptooth roars)

MarzGurl (vo): Actually, while I'm at it, this movie features a ton of really cartoony sound effects. I mean, I want to say in some ways, the film is good, but the Wacky Races kind of noises really brings the maturity level down. Get it? The franchise simply will never be as mature as it once was, that doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed by it.

(A sample of the sound effects plays with Petrie on Spike's belly peeking out from under a mushroom)

MarzGurl (vo): But luckily, all this happens over the heads of Littlefoot and Etta, so they have an opportunity to save the four friends. Then, there's a sappy apology.

Cera: I'm sorry, Littlefoot.

Littlefoot: Me too.

MarzGurl (vo): And now, it's back on the trial to the volcano via theme park water slide; even the dangerous waterfall isn't all that dangerous. A scene that could have been played for thrills was completely subverted.

MarzGurl: Wooo, we almost had an exciting movie there. (exhales in false relief)

MarzGurl (vo): And finally, Littlefoot comes across his father near the volcano, stuck on a rock just barely his size with his foot trapped under a rock. After at least two days, if not longer, I'm shocked that Bron hasn't died from any number of other things, let alone being stuck near hot lava on a rock that conveniently fits only him. But just when all hope looks lost, Littlefoot delegates jobs to everybody, telling Cera to knock over a rock to let loose a bunch of water onto the lava to solidify it, then have almost everybody else wedge the trunk of a tree under the rock pinning Bron's leg, while Petrie watches to make sure they don't all get killed by lava. Regardless of whether or not the lava all instantly turned to rock upon touching water, I just have the feeling that the ground should still be superheated and fry off everybody's feet, but you know, what do I know?

(Suddenly, Juno the Sorceress appears from the left of MarzGurl)

Juno: You know, (MarzGurl yelps in surprise) there was one other continuity issue that I've noticed throughout this franchise: there was no grass in the time of the dinosaurs.

MarzGurl: (shrugs) Who cares?

MarzGurl (vo): Sure enough, the kids save an adult from literal "the floor is lava", and just in time, because Littlefoot's grandpa, Cera's dad, and two other less important friends from previous films (Chomper & Ruby) show up just to be like,"oh, looks like you got this, huh? Cool, well, we can go home, I guess!"

Grandpa Longneck: Let's all go home.

MarzGurl (vo): And...like, that's it, we don't get to see them return to the Great Valley, don't get to see them enjoy one another's company in comfort and safely away from earthquake cracks and volcanoes, the movie just ends. This is an opportunity to use the classic Land Before Time suite or If We Hold On Together either at the beginning or during the credits, which would've been perfect if they were really trying to recapture any of the magic from the first film. They came close sometimes, but it just didn't get all the way there, and just to make sure that you know it didn't get all the way there, the credits have to remind you of the worst song in the movie.

(Hot and Stinky plays again during the credits)

All except Cera and Spike: (singing) Hot and stinky

Cera (vo): Hey, stop that!

All except Cera and Spike: (singing) Hot and stinky

MarzGurl: And so, the current final film in The Land Before Time franchise comes to an end, and with that, all I can say is...this was not the worst of all the sequel movies. No, for real, and in fact, it might even be one of the BEST ones!

MarzGurl (vo): Don't get me wrong, that absolutely does not make it good, no, but it feels like maybe there were two separate sets of ideals being wrestled with in the creation of this film. One is likely the very corporate idea that just wanted to shovel something out to appease children and the parents who don't want to freak their kids out, and the other was maybe the one guy in the board room meeting who fought with all of his might to not allow this movie to go into completely ridiculous, illogical non-continuity, who might have actually understood...

(More clips from the first film are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): ...the 1988 roots of the franchise and wanted to make sure the older audience remembered it, too.

(Clips from The Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave are shown again)

MarzGurl (vo): You know what? I really hope this franchise ends here, and not for my previous reasons I thought about the franchise five years ago, where I was just begging for somebody to put it out of its misery. No, this time, I legitimately think that this was one of the best possible ways we can hope to have it end. I mean, I can think of a million really amazing things they could do if they actually cared about a full theatrical release and wanted to really pull on the heartstrings of both adults and children, but I know that Universal will never do it, so as far as direct to home video releases are concerned, I hope that this is the end and that Universal doesn't just see this release as more dollar signs and an excuse to churn out more really bad titles.

MarzGurl: (sighs) It's strange, after this release, I feel like I'm finally at peace with The Land Before Time and with myself, and I just legit don't feel so angry anymore. Maybe that's because, you know, five years have passed since I did the previous Land Before Time reviews and now I'm thirty (chuckles), and just kinda sitting back and feeling like it's not worth it. But, even so, I guess in my own weird way, I really am glad that I stayed up until 2 a.m. Central time on February 2nd, 2016 to see the initial release of The Land Before Time XIV on Netflix, and I feel like now, I've been given a chance to say goodbye and...thank you.

(The song, Better Off Alone plays during the credits)