65

Ask That Guy Episode 65 (October 16, 2011)

''[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. There is also a goblet on top of the bar, one of perhaps "pirate" motif. That Guy enters from screen left, but his appearance is a "'little'" different. He's wearing black sunglasses, his robe isn't tied around his waist, and his ascot isn't tied around his neck - it's just hanging there. As he starts to speak, he grabs the goblet and throws it to the ground, presumably shattering thanks to the added sound effect. ATG just goes straight into "pissed off" mode:]''

That Guy: (screaming) '''What the HELL you doin' in my home? How the hell (raises his arms in disgust) do you get in here all the time anyway? HUH? HUH?!?! / [cut to a Deviant Art drawing of ATG along with the caption "Medicine Time", as faux-Muzak-style accompaniment plays - the kind Doug has used before; ATG is believed to be restrained by some "medical people", hence this:] Let go of me, ya pieces of SHIT! '[ATG appears to have been tranq'ed as he lets out three relaxing moans] / [cut back to ATG in his normal place behind the bar with proper attire - pipe in right hand, regular wine glass in left hand - for a "normal" opening]'' Saluto! [Colloquial Italian greeting, I think - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[ opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Will you cut off your penis for a billion dollars?

That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera with no drink visible): That's a very good question, and the answer is: Of course I would! / [jump cut] I would do just about anything for a bajillion dollars! Anything. / In fact, I made a very long list of things that I would do for a billion dollars. / [here, ATG's eyes were really wide open] Here it is! ''[a long paragraph of text briefly appears in a flash. It's too long to list here, so scroll down to the bottom if you want to see what it says]'' How dare you pause and read that! You are going to Hell! / But don't worry; I'll meet you when you get there. / (leans in, whispering with left hand on the right side of his mouth) I'll be the one with the pitchspork! / (shaking his head) You probably don't even know what that is, do you? / But don't worry. (looks off to the right and back again, saying quietly:) You will. [he then smiles again with a brief eye-raise for added creepiness]

Narrator: I can't dance. Could you show me your moves?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) I certainly can. This one I entitle "The Pipe Anus." [he then happily looks at his pipe as he promptly inserts the mouthpiece into the body part he just said, thanks to a "popping" sound effect; and he appropriately jumps a bit and screams in pain] / [no pipe in his hand] The only problem is: you probably don't want to smoke your pipe after you do that move. / [leans up against the bar] Unless you're available. / [he takes out his pipe with another "pop", waits for a few seconds, and puts the mouthpiece into his mouth; all the while, he smiles at the camera with no change in facial expression]

Narrator: If you were abducted by aliens, what would you tell them?

That Guy: I would tell them that they look like igloos. / OR (chuckling), on the off-chance that they didn't look like igloos, I would say... / [ATG is right in front of the camera, smiling as he says, after a few beats:] Vanessa. [we hold on him some more] / [ATG at his normal position with the same smile from before]

Narrator: There are more than six billion people on planet Earth; and yet, I am still single. Why is that?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) Well, I think that would be obvious. You are FAR too good-looking and charming. / Have you ever tried being hideous? Or a total prick? / I try it all the time. And you know what it gets me? STDs. / [points mouthpiece at camera] STDs that come from dating! [brief pause] Mostly people! / Sure I've also dated a few skunks, walnuts, and whatever that thing is that had a third eye. / [leans in] But I've gotten laid like a mofo.. / Do people still say that? "Mofo"? / Well, I'M going to say it; except when I say it, it's going to sound like pig salmon. / Another thing I've slept with that has three eyes. / [his face turns worried as he speaks with a slight tremble] And no ability to call you back. [holds for a second, and then smokes his pipe]

Narrator: When your foot falls asleep, does it dream?

That Guy: It certainly does. In fact, let's see what it's dreaming right now. [looks up as we hear a harp glissando; we dissolve to ATG at the bar still, but he's slightly moved out of position a bit] Wow! It's currently dreaming exactly what's going on at this exact moment! / [holds out his left hand in front of him] My hand often falls asleep, too. Let's see what HE'S dreaming. ''[he looks at his hand as we dissolve to... a bald, bored-looking man who appears to be naked, sitting in a corner of a white room somewhere. - Sounds about right; and no, we don't see below the waist - as we dissolve and glissando back to ATG looking at his hand]'' That was weird.

Narrator: Why didn't Sega make their Dreamcast DVD compatible?

That Guy: Becuase that would mean there would actually be something GOOD about it. / I don't care if that thing had Crazy Taxi. That was a piece of shit. / I hope you didn't have stock in it. It went up probably as much as the Jaguar. / [his face slightly twitches] Sorry. A Dreamcast killed my parents. [he looks up as we hear a gun effect and noises from some Dreamcast game, I assume] / But, to be fair, they tasted great.

Narrator: Why haven't you made any porn movies yet?

That Guy: Oh, but I HAVE! Cum in the Clam, / Buns of Cum, / Ass Full of Grass, / Hamster Master, / Flick the Dick, / Grilled Cheese Feces, / Nun Buns, / Captain Picklesauce, / Penis and Venus, / Sock Puppets 12, / Penis Butter, / Animal Anus, / Pigs in a Blanket, / Sex Mix, / Honey Cum, / Easter Bunny Does Dallas, / Whore Shoes, / Skull Fucker, / Cannibals Are Cute, / Cock-a-Doodle, / Nose Plunge, / Sodomy Jonas, / Lobotomy Sodomy, / Famous Anus, / Plug-a-Butt, / Choke a Ho, / Amber Fields of Gay, / Pork Buster, / Slabs of Abs, / Lickin' Lincoln, / Titty Titty Bang Bang, / Mucus for Lucas, / I Want to Have Sex with This Woman and Then Record It Because People Will Pay Money to Watch It, / and The Passion. / But, hey, I'm only starting out.

Narrator: What age is Mickey Mouse supposed to be?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) You know, from what I understand, that is actually a very sensitive question to him. But you know what? [his left hand goes into the pocket of his robe] I happen to be a very good personal friend of his, [he pulls out a cell phone, which he dials as he speaks] and I'm sure he won't mind if I ask right here. [holds the phone up to his left ear; no cuts until noted]

"Mickey" ''[guess who? - ed.]'': Ha-ha! Hello! This is Mickey Mouse!

That Guy: Hello, Mickey! This is That Guy with the Glasses!

"Mickey": Oh, hey, That Guy with the Glasses! How are you?

That Guy: Not bad, not bad. Say, I was wondering: how old are you?

"Mickey": [screaming] '''WHAT?! WHAT?!?! '''How dare you ask that question? I will fuck you up, you cock-sucking shit-ass whore-ass! [at this point, ATG, who has been smiling the whole time and still is, slowly starts to put the phone down] I'n gonna kill you! I'm gonna find your family! You think I don't have power? I have so much power! I AM A MOUSE!! [with the phone sitting on top of the bar, ATG slowly brings back his hand] I AM A MOUSE THAT CAN TALK!! I AM A MOUSE THAT WEARS ONLY PANTS!! ONLY PANTS WITH TWO YELLOW BUTTONS!! I AM UNSTOPPABLE!! I WEAR GLOVES!! WHITE GLOVES [ATG slowly brings his hand back to the phone and brings it to his left ear again] THAT SERVE NO PURPOSE!! WELL, ONE PURPOSE: WHEN I KILL PEOPLE WITH THEM, THEY CAN'T IDENTIFY...

That Guy: [screaming into the phone, simultaneously with what Mickey continues to scream below] SHUT UP!! STOP!! YOU SHUT UP!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!! YOU'RE JUST A MOUSE!! YOU'RE A MOUSE!! A MOUSE!!! [yells right into the phone]

"Mickey": ...WHO I KILLED!! [the screaming continues but is a bit untelligible; ATG eventually turns off the phone in mid-scream and sets it back on the counter]

That Guy: I love him.

Narrator: Why won't you answer my question?

That Guy: [says nothing; he just has that should-be-trademarked creepy grin for a few seconds]

Narrator: How can actions speak louder than words when the pen is mightier than the sword?

That Guy: ''(back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) [he's about to speak when, suddenly, the usual music changes abruptly to some action-movie soundtrack filler; ATG begins to look at the camera in horrific wonder. Also, his glass is "magically" on the counter] ''Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. '''RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! [grabs the glass with his left hand and points pipe at the camera] THE LIBYANS!!!!! [yes, kids, he is' imitating Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown in ''Back To The Future. ''He ducks behind the bar as simulated gunshots scatter the bar for a few seconds. ATG reappears looking straight-off screen left] ''I'M GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE!! ''[we then hear sound effects of, presumably, the Delorean from said movie being chased by the Libyans' cars as the Delorean takes off into the time continuum. After a beat, we hear "Marty McFly" say:]''

"Marty": Doc... where'd ya go? [a gun is heard, being loaded] Oh, uh... hi, guys. [we then hear a loud smatter of automatic gunfire that abruptly cuts to:]

THE END

''[BTW, the graphic that will send you to "Hell" reads as follows: "Really? You went back to read this knowing it would lead you straight to Hell? What the Ass-Puke is wrong with you? It's friggin' Hell! Fire, pain, the Devil, it's worth that just to find out what this said? That Guy with the Glasses was actually kidding when he said you were going to Hell, but now that you've actually come back to pause it, we have no choice. You're going to Lem. It's a place like Hell only ten times worse. It's not written about in the Bible because every time somebody tried writing about it, they'd cut their own head off. It's THAT bad. So I hope it was worth it. I hope it was worth pausing this video for that. See ya in Lem, ya miserable piece of donkey rectum. En-friggin'-joy!" - Glad I could help. - ed.]''