DOA - Dead or Alive

(After the opening for the Spoony Experiment, we cut to Spoony in his room)

Spoony: I don't even know where to start with this one. I mean, how do you make a movie based on the DOA video game? The game has no plot! Seriously, like zero plot! It's about people in a fighting tournament and...and that's it! Even if there was a story, certainly nobody paid any attention to...okay, you know what, I lied. There is a story, if you can even call it that. You wanna see what it is? I'll show you. It's not gonna take very fucking long.

(We're not treated to the opening cinematic for Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, showing the girls of the game in bikinis and being all sexy)

Spoony: And that's it. DOA is a series of tournament fighters and lesbian beach volleyball games.

(Clips of the game are shown)

Spoony (vo): And you don't play that much beach volleyball in those games. Mostly you just play casino games so you can get money to buy the girls even smaller bikinis and then pay them to do pole dances.

(One such pole dance being Leifang)

Spoony (vo): This movie is going to be amazing! (now clips of the game) We're talking about a game series whose most enduring contribution to entertainment is it's pioneering work in the field of breast jiggle physics. I am so not even kidding about this. There was serious work put into making these boobies bounce like this, (a clip of Ayane is shown talking about the...physics mentioned) although I don't really know what planet's gravity these breast physics are based on. Look at this! Apparently in the DOA universe, Newton's Laws do not apply to breasts. Boobs are the key to unlocking the secrets of perpetual motion.

(Suddenly Film Brain cuts in)

Film Brain (vo): DOA is produced by Paul W.S. Anderson, who is also the director of the abyssmal Resident Evil movies. (A clip of Resident Evil: Afterlife is shown) And given the game's fixation on chicks in bikinis, it's truly puzzling why he didn't bother flaunting his wife (the rest is drowned out by Spoony)

Spoony: (trying to cut in) Um, Film Brain? Hello? Hey, yo! Film Brain!

FB: What?

Spoony: What the hell are you doing here again?

FB: What do you mean? It's crossover time, baby! Film Brain and Spoony, Bad Movie Beatdown! I had t-shirts made back there.

Spoony: Wait, w-what are you, nuts? Did you not see the comments from the Tekken video?

FB: Comments? What do you mean? People love me! (Just to prove him wrong, a loud crash is heard) The bloody hell?

(We're treated to an old clip, as in 1920s old, of a castle door being rammed into. FB looks outside his blinds)

FB: Oh shit! Spoony, it's your fans! They brought a battering ram!

Spoony: Dude, I tried to warn you! My fans, they're insane! They formed a mob to stop more Film Brain crossovers! You gotta get out of there, dude! It's not safe!

FB: Ha! They're not gonna get me without a fight! Pour the boiling cauldrons of lead!

(A clip from I don't know what movie, but they're pouring molten lead onto the old timey mob)

FB: Take that, you bloody peasants! (he picks up a piece of wood) Tell the Nostalgia Critic I li--

(Before he can finish, an explosion cuts off his feed)

Spoony: Are you guys happy now!? Look what you just did! You just killed Film Brain!

FB (vo): (still alive, but quite woozy) Ha ha. Oh no, I'm alright. Although I think I'm ready for my check now, Andre. That souffle was simply divine...(a thud is heard)

Spoony (vo): The movie opens to some truly awful CG work of a ninja fortress that looks like someone screencaptured a battle from the game Shogun: Total War. The first one. That's where we meet our first hero of the movie, Kasumi, played by Devon Aoki. Yeah, I really liked her in Sin City. Mostly because she never talked.

Ryu Hayabusa: Your brother is dead. Your destiny is to lead your people.

(Kasumi has a cricket on her finger that jumps into a wooden box she closes)

Kasumi: I will not believe he is dead until I see his body. I am going to find him.

Hayabusa: The guards won't let you leave.

Kasumi: I am not a cricket in a box. I alone determine my destiny.

Spoony (vo): Why do you have a cricket in a box in the first place? And who the hell has a pet cricket anyway? And if you do, poke holes in the box for christsakes. So she wants to leave the temple to go find her brother, but it's not allowed by the temple laws, because ninjas are so well known for obeying laws and letting deaths of their clan members go unavenged. (she kicks a katana out of a guard's scabard and catching it as it flies past her) And preventing her from leaving is Ayane, another ninja. (Editor's note: also her half-sister) With purple hair.

Spoony: Because ninjas are all about covering themselves in bright pastel colors that can be easily seen in any light. Just ask Pierre Kirby.

Kasumi: Ayane, I know of your love for my brother. I will find Hayate and bring him home.

Hayabusa: (kneels down) Princess Kasumi! (all the guards kneel down)

Spoony (vo): Wait, why did they all just do that? Did they not recognize her up till now? They just all kneeled for no reason.

Hayabusa: Princess Kasumi!

(Clip of Ace Ventura: When Nature Call)

Ace: Shikaka. (The Wachati chief and his son, Ouda, kneel at the name)

(Back to the movie)

Ayane: I'm your servant. But if you leave, I'm honor-bound to kill you. (And she kneels)

Spoony (vo): She just said she was leaving! Why are you kneeling? Kill her now! What's the problem with letting her leave anyway? It doesn't exactly look like you guys have a whole hell of a lot to do but stand around holding flags and playing with fucking crickets. Most boring ninjas ever.

(Kasumi twirls her katana around and throws it to the far wall. While it's in the air, Kasumi leapfrogs over the guards by jumping on their heads. Ows are dubbed in with each step Kasumi takes. She then uses the sword as a springboard to jump over the wall, showing the fortress was high on a mountain. Her kimono flies off, revealing a sports top, shorts and sneakers underneath, as well as a hanglider!

Spoony (vo): Oh come on, really? Really?

(Something flies towards Kasumi which she catches)

Spoony (vo): Okay, she used a ninja sword as a springboard to jump over a 40' wall, throws off her kimono in freefall, and flies off on her hidden unfolding ninja hanglider that she was secretly wearing this whole time! Yeah okay, get much use out of your ninja hanglider, do ya? I think you can add this one to the Hall of Shame just under (Clip from Yor: Hunter From the Future) Yor's hangliding on a dead bat, and just slightly over (A clip of MST3K's version of Cave Dwellers) Ator creating a hanglider out of science. Oh and then someone throws a techno...shuriken...thing at her with an invitation to the DOA tournament on it. And she catchs it without seeming slightly surprised someone just hurled a two pound fucking knife at her as she was diving off a mountain in what happens to be the most unbelievable good throw in history.

(Kasumi's invitation is shown with her occupation being "Shinobi Ninja Princess.")

Spoony (vo): Pfft, shinobi ninja princess, fuck.

Spoony:  We're not even five minutes into this fucking movie. I could stop the review here. I can't top that! And worst of all, this characterization of Kasumi is nothing like that in the DOA videogame. Compare this movie to Kasumi's storyline ending in DOA4.

(Kasumi's ending from DOA4 is shown. She's a mermaid)

Spoony: See? Completely different! This movie is bullshit!

(Next shot is of a blonde woman coming out of the water and onto a boat wearing a stars and stripes bikini)

Spoony (vo): Uh-huh. Yeah, are you starting to sense a theme here? This is Tina Armstrong, and the bimbo count just keeps on climbing.

(Suddenly we're interrupted by Bandit Keith, as voiced by LittleKuribo)

Keith: Alright loser, that does it! You take back what you said about my girlfriend or I'll have her beat you up!

Spoony: Wha...Bandit Keith?

Keith: Tina Armstrong is not a bimbo! In case you couldn't tell, she's an American, and Americans always wear the stars and stripes. In fact, I'm wearing a very patriotic thong. You can't see it, but trust me, it's there.

Spoony: Really? That's the only reason you like her, cause she wears an American flag?

Keith: Yeah, I'm not that shallow. When I first saw her in the WWE, I knew it was true love. She's going to win this tournament because she's mastered the most American martial art ever devised: professional wrestling.

Spoony: You do realize pro wrestling's not a real martial--

Keith: We invented it, the Greeks just stole it from us. She was tag teaming with her father, Bass Armstrong, who's basically what you'd get if (a clip of Bass is shown, played by...) Kevin Nash had sex with Hulk Hogan. In other words, the most American family this side of Chuck Norris.

Spoony: Hey waitaminute. I'm an American, and I don't wear a flag.

Keith: Exactly! This is why you're single and I'm awesome! Now if you'll excuse me, I've prepared a song. (he clears his throat, then begins to sing American Woman)

American Woman/Stay away from me

American Woman/Momma let me be

Spoony: (covering his ears, having had enough of this tomfoolery) Alright, that's it, baby! Out! Out!

Keith: Fine! Oh, by the way, tell Film Brain he sucks cause French people are stupid!

Spoony (vo): If I may continue uninterrupted, Tina's yachting in the South China Sea because...uh, then priates attack.

Pirate Captain: (subtitled) Nice yacht.

Spoony (vo): And they're led by Captain Liu Kang (Robin Shou), who I guess has fallen on some pretty hard times ever since winning Mortal Kombat.

(One pirate is about to shoot at the boat when the captain hits him in the face with the butt of his gun)

Pirate Captain: (Subtitled) No guns! This yacht is worth a million. I'll shoot any man who puts a bullet in it.

Spoony (vo): Okay, I get not wanting to damage the boat with your guns, but you could've at least brought them with you so you have something to threaten her with. It's not like she knows you won't shoot. So, of course, because they're completely unarmed, she kicks all their asses.

(Tina starts by kicking the pirate captain off the boat)

Spoony (vo): (imitating the captain going off the boat) I regret being in Mortal Kombat Twooooo!

(The same invitation then lands on the boat. Tina's invitation says "Superstar Pro-Wrestler")

(We're now treated to a blonde woman, Christie, in the shower)

Spoony (vo): Of course, woman in the shower. Think we're 4 for 4 at this point. (The woman opens the shower, showing she has make-up on) Wait, how is she coming out of the shower with make-up on? She's wearing eyeshadow!

(Christie's suitcase is taken out of the closet and opened up)

Christie: May I help you?

Detective: You're under arrest.

Spoony (vo): Under the Gratuitous Fanservice Act of 2004.

Detective: Someone broke into the safe of the Hotel Peking last night. (He then cuts open the lining, revealing thick wads of money) Stole cash and diamonds. We received an anonymous tip that it was you.

Christie: Well, they're a girl's best friend.

Detective: Well, perhaps spending a few hours in a cold cell under some hot lights will make you a little more...agreeable.

Christie: May I at least get dressed first?

Detective: Be my guest.

(Christie reaches for a pair of black panties, putting them on seductively. Steam coming out of a guard's ears is added, well as a whistle while the detective gets a loud gulp thrown his way)

Christie: Would you hand me my bra, please?

(The detective picks it up with his gun and walks over to her)

Spoony (vo): Oh come on, you can't possibly be this dumb.

(Christie then kicks the gun out of his hand)

Spoony (vo): What the--hey, no fair! She used sex as a ploy to escape! Who could possibly have seen that coming? God it's hard being a Federal Agent when you're stupid!

(While the gun's up in the air, she kicks one of the guards in the head, uses her towel to take the other guard out)

Spoony (vo): So basically if he just tossed the bra across the room to her like any normal person would've done, instead of being a dumbass and putting his gun within arm's reach, she had no plan. And why didn't they put the well known murderer in handcuffs in the first place and then question her at the station? Yeah, I said murderer because she's apparently a master thief and assassin.

(Christie's invitation says "Assassin & Master Thief")

Spoony (vo): So she kicks their asses and I will admit for an extended coctease sequence, it's rather impressively shot and Christie is ridiculously hot! After that, she escapes on a motorcycle when she gets her own invitation to DOA. (Her invitation lodges itself onto the windshield of her bike and she has a big grin on her face) Why are you smirking? Some asshole just threw a fucking knife into your motorcycle and this amuses you? It would've scared me shitless! You didn't even flinch! Who is throwing these fucking things that can hit a motorcycle going 120 miles an hour? What if he misses? (The invitation scene is shown, only with a red splat covering Christie's head) Uh, oops. Sorry!

(Skating onto the scene is Helena)

Helena Douglas: Welcome to the world's greatest martial arts tournament, DOA.

(She's part of a video the fighters are watching on a plane)

Helena: Each of you has been individually selected because you represent the best fighting style in your specialized field. Soon you will get a chance to prove that you're the best fighter in the world, and at the same time pick up a $10 million prize.