Wing Commander

(After the intro for the Spoony Experiment, we cut to Spoony in his room)

Spoony: I've done a ton of reviews on games from that ill-fated era when CD-ROMs were new and chock full of crappy full motion video, and there's been a lot of reviews with good reason; almost all of those games were disastrously and hilariously bad. The extremely rare exception to that rule being the Wing Commander series.

(Clips from Wing Commander 3 are shown)

Spoony (vo): Which remains to this day the greatest and most immersive space sim and interactive movie experience ever created.

Spoony: And after playing Wing Commander, it was pretty easy to see why most other FMV titles failed. Once you put it in, you quickly realized you weren't playing a very good game and you weren't watching a very good movie. By and large, those titles had no budget and no star power, silly stories, and their gameplay design was inferior, no matter how impressive seeing full motion video might have been at the time.

(Clips from Wing Commander 4 are shown)

Spoony (vo): But the Wing Commander series did everything right. It was a basic but well told space epic that looked and felt like a classic science fiction movie. The gameplay was excellent, fast-paced, customizable to the player's comfort level and exciting. It had an intense and memorable musical score, and best of all, it was loaded from top to bottom with an ensemble cast of recognizable A-list actors. Like Malcolm McDowell, John Rhys-Davies, fucking Biff from Back to the Future (Thomas F. Wilson), and you got to play as Mark fucking Hamil! That's like every kid's dream!

Spoony: It was one of the greatest ensemble casts in science fiction history, with two great games with plots easily adaptable into the big screen, so when the news broke that there was gonna be a Wing Commander movie, I was ecstatic! (holding the DVD of the movie) I couldn't see how they could possibly screw this--(he then looks at the dvd and goes into a screaming fit. After a test screen, we cut back to Spoony, facepalming and sad) You know that old saying, "never judge a book by it's cover?" Well fuck you, that's books, (holding the dvd) not movies, and I don't think you could've found a better poster to scare an audience away from a theater if you had covered the building in a plastic sheet, and set up a half-mile military perimeter warning people of an anthrax attack!

(The poster of the movie is shown)

Spoony (vo): I don't think I've seen a poster inspire less confidence in a movie than the three headed monster of Freddie Prinze, Jr., Saffron Burrows, and the crown fucking jewel, Matthew Lillard, the skin peelingly annoying jackhole from Hackers.

Spoony: What is wrong with you!? You had a group of amazing actors, titans of science fiction, two excellent scripts used in the game that I could've easily adapted into the big screen in about ten fucking minutes. Hell, you probably still have the costumes and sets from Wing Commanders 4 and 5 laying around somewhere. And instead of casting (cupping his mouth) Mark Hamil, you replace everyone with the main actors from (poster of...) She's All That? How do you fuck that up!?

(A shot of Luke Skywalker holding a lightsaber is shown)

Spoony (vo): You replaced Luke Skywalker with fucking (picture of...) Fred from Scooby-Doo? (panning to the right to show Matthew Lillard as Shaggy) Oh shit, Matthew Lillard was in that, too. It's like these two chuckleheads are joined at the hip!

Spoony: Wing Command--Fucking Freddie Prinze, Jr. couldn't command fucking wings at a KFC. Nobody saw this piece of shit because it sucks! It sucks harder than a black hole made of sucky games! It's the singularity of suck! Do you have any idea how sad it is when the best part of this movie was the premiere trailer for Star Wars Episode I?

(Clip of the poster again)

Spoony (vo): It's amazing how pissed off I get at the dvd packaging alone. The tagline on the cover says "An Action-Packed Thrill Ride!" This line is so generic, it's almost invisible. It says nothing. I defy you to come up with a more forgettable box quote. For bonus points, use the words (the quote is now replaced with "A movie where things are happening!") fast, furious, roller coaster, and tour-de-force. (a shot of the back of the dvd) Oh, no-holds-barred, I forgot that one. The synopsis on the back has the balls to call this movie Starship Troopers meets Top Gun.

Spoony: Oh come on now, seriously? Shame on you. You could not have written that with a straight face. You wish you could make a movie half as awesome and gay as Top Gun. It cannot be done. And now you're making me picture a Paul Verhoeven movie with a Kenny Loggins soundtrack.