Turkish Rambo

''NOTE: I have no clue who some of the characters in the film are. If you do, please edit them in. Also, every one in the film has English voiceovers, some with accents and others not.''

Nostalgia Critic (NC): Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to. And welcome to the special bonus DVD review. Hey, doesn’t every kid want to grow up to be Rambo? [pauses] Except for girls? [pauses again] Unless they have gender issues? Well, it turns out the kids in Turkey also did. And that’s why I’m reviewing Turkish Rambo, also known as Rampage!

We cut to the title screen and theme music, followed by a montage of movie clips.

NC (v/o): This is pretty much just as bad as it sounds. Released in 1986, this goofy rip-off of the Stallone series is truly a treasure for any seeker of crap. After all, it is coming from the same guy that brought us [cut to a zoom-in for the poster for the first movie NC mentions:] Turkish Star Wars and Turkish Jaws. [back to Rampage clips] Thank God there wasn’t a Turkish Deep Throat; that’d be really scary. But what is it about this Turkish delight that seems so laughably bad?

NC: Well, [he demonstrates] tie on your headbands and get ready for dialogue that [wiggles his right index finger next to his mouth] doesn’t match the lip movements. This is Turkish Rambo.  Fade up on the opening.

NC (v/o): So it starts off with Turkey’s flag, which I think is Pac-Man eating a ninja star as our lead actor is introduced. [the screencap in all military-style letters says, “Serdar in”]

NC: [faking excitement] Wow! The Serdar? The Serdar? Man, they’re sparing no expense in this film, are they?

NC (v/o): [as the title appears] And there’s the title of this train wreck: Rampage. [cut to the title screen and theme for the Rampage World Tour video game] No, not that Rampage, though [back to our Rampage] God knows that’d be more entertaining. [the screencap now says: “Color Director: Osman Koskan] Wait a minute. A color director? A color director?? What the hell does a color director do?

NC: [looking off-screen right, he motions someone to:] C’mere. [it’s actually a block of green, added in post] All right. I know that you’re actually green, but I don’t feel like you’re a green. [the block briefly shakes up and down, as if it’s nodding its head(?)] So get in there and get it right. Go! [the block scurries away; after a few seconds, NC gets angry] Oh come on, you’re playing it like an orange!

NC (v/o): [in poor, grainy quality throughout this movie, we see a car traveling on a two-lane road] So our film begins with National Istanbul’s Vacation as we see a car driving through the desert. By the way, isn’t this just beautifully restored? Every one of those dust spots is left exactly how it was supposed to be. Apparently, a driver is chaperoning The Pringles Guy as he arrives to his destination.

Military Man #1: [NOTE: he’s looking right at the camera; you’re gonna see a LOT of this in the film; plus there are brief cutaways to Pringles Guy in the car] The territory here is dangerous. I will inform the roll-up in places according to your instructions. We’re aware of where you’re heading as well as your business there.

NC (v/o): Well, we’re not! Who the hell is that guy? [Pringles Guy nods, the captain quickly salutes, and we’re back on the road] Okay, whatever. Let’s just see what comes after this driving scene. [as NC pauses, we cut of a few seconds of…] Huh. Appears to be more driving scene. After that… [cuts to…] more driving scene. After that… [guess what?] More driving scene. I’m gonna LOVE this, aren’t I?

NC: Turkish Rambo, an exciting look into traffic studies!  Cut to inside some military office.

NC (v/o): Finally, we get a cutaway to some semblance of story.

Commander: I need you to design an operation to eliminate those mountain bandits. We’re gonna need live bait [cut to a different angle] on the fishing line to catch them. [zooming in on Captain Omer, who then looks right at the camera] You must act cautiously and quietly. But find those criminals, wherever the hell they are, and arrest them!

NC: [with eyes wide, looking weirdly at the camera] What do you in the viewing audience think I should do?

NC (v/o): And THEN… [cuts to…] more driving. Oh, wait, more driving with music. Yeah, cuz that’ll really make the driving scene much more exciting. WILL SOMEBODY SHOOT SOMETHING? [sure enough, a mountain bandit with a rifle shoots at the car and misses Pringles Guy]

NC: [lifts up his hands] Thank you!

Bandit #1: You’re coming with us.

Bandit #2: Get out of the car.

NC (v/o): [as a Bandit - Pringles Guy is taken out of the car] We will get the secret to your barbecue chips.

Military Man #2: Halt!

''Pringles Guy is in the back of the Bandits’ vehicle with rifles aimed at close range. Suddenly, a small military unit appears out of a bushy area, aiming their weapons at the bandits.''

NC (v/o): But it’s okay. The Pringle Guy has bodyguard soldiers… [as NC explains] who stand there while he’s driven away. Never hire off of Craigslist.  The military finally fire at the bandits, who are eventually brought back by Jeep to the compound.

NC (v/o): So they capture two of the mountain bandits as they bring them before the military. [cut to a shot from inside an apparent neighboring cell; we see through the window that the bandits are brought in for holding] What, did they lock up the cameraman?

Back at the office from before, but now the captain is standing behind the desk, addressing another officer. Captain Omer (CO): We can’t let them know we orchestrated this. [camera zooms in on him] We already have one of our men among them. Now, another is on the way. [sits down in the chair] Thanks to this operation, we will find those bandits wherever the hell they are [looks at the camera] and capture them with the help of the Secret Service.

NC: [with the same look from before] Why am I so spontaneously attracted to this fourth wall?

NC (v/o): So the two bandits look next door and find the Turkey Jerky himself [dressed just like Rambo], who’s known as…

CO: I never thought I would see you, Serdar.

NC: [looks off and up screen-left] So Serdar is playing the very complex role of Serdar. [pauses and looks back at us] Obviously, this actor has a very wide range.

NC (v/o): So Serdar, it turns out, is actually a spy for the military, going undercover to find out more about these mountain bandits. [as Serdar and the bandits are taken out of the cell by the other military personnel, Captain Omer - you guessed it - looks intently at the camera] Will you STOP LOOKING AT US?!

NC: [picks his teeth with his right index finger] Do I have something in my teeth or something? I mean, knock it off!!

NC (v/o): So Serdar escapes as well as helps out the bandits.

''When the door opens to wherever the men are captured, Serdar grimaces very weirdly as he fires his gun. The guy he shoots yells peculiarly as he spins around in the air and falls to the ground.'' NC: [chuckles] Why is it I get the feeling that’s how Little Richard’s gonna go?

NC (v/o): [as the scene replays, he dubs over the dead guy] Woooooo!!

Bandit #1: You can join us. Our leader is my brother.

Serdar: [NOTE: he speaks just like Stallone] Where are they?

Bandit #2: We can take you there.

Bandit #1: If you let us live, you will live too.

NC (v/o): So Serdar follows the two to find out where their hideout is. [Serdar also has a thick-link chain around his hand, for some reason] By the way, what is the point of that chain anyway? Is it to stop him from raising his hand in class? So they spend most of their time climbing through the mountains, looking over the beautiful, desolate shithole that Turkey has to offer. [at this point, all three jump from one point to the next] Boy, you know that color director is really doing a bang-up job, isn’t he? [a shot of barbed wire, for some reason] Yes, more muted browns! [the three climb along the side of a big rock] Make the blandness of the countryside just leap off the screen! [a few seconds of “epic” music as the men continue traversing their way to the hideout] So, in case you missed it, [feigning excitement] rock climbing! Yes. [NC pauses, obviously becoming bored by what’s happening] By the way, in case you’re wondering, there’s some thrilling paint drying you could be watching right now. Go ahead! Go watch it! By the time you get back, they’ll probably still be rock climbing.

''We suddenly cut to a close-up of Serdar’s chain over a fire as Serdar tries to break himself free, all while some woman looks on. All this is done with rapid editing. This promptly confuses NC.'' NC (v/o): What? Wha… chain? Fire? Woman? [stammers] WHAT?! ''[the chain becomes so hot that it snaps after Serdar grunts and pulls in apart. After this, we cut to Serdar, the bandits, and some older man all eating on the floor]'' Y-you WANNA EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS, MOVIE? [throughout this, they are fast cuts between the woman looking on and Serdar looking back at her as he drinks] Did you just leave out crucial plot points because you thought the rock climbing was more important?

Bandit #2: Do you live here alone?

Old Man: This girl is my granddaughter.

NC: [looks around, puzzled, then back at us] That’s not what I asked, but okay.

Old Man: We have no other place to hide. We are waiting for her father, but he will never show up.

NC: [looks up and off-screen, puzzled; looks back at us] Then, why are you waiting for her father?

Man: I said, “Halt!” [coming from the other side of the door in the room; everyone else is startled as the men prepare to defend themselves]

NC (v/o): Why, who’s that coincidentally at the door?

''In stumbles a man with straps of bullets around his body, holding a rifle. He has his hand over a gunshot wound to his stomach. Yep, it’s…'' Girl: [with just a touch of overacting] Papa!

NC: Hey, we thought you’d never show up!

''We see that Papa is shot again, presumably from behind, as he falls down onto the couch. The daughter still is distraught as Serdar looks on, stone-faced.'' Girl: [crying for a few seconds] Papa! [she tries to console him but sobs throughout the whole scene] Papa: Forgive me, my little girl.

NC (v/o): [as Papa] My little forty-year-old girl. [yeah, she might be a bit old to be playing a young kid]

Papa: I never gave you the life you deserved.

Girl: [sobbing] Papa, no… no…

NC: That’s a pretty young looking father, isn’t it? I mean, she’s even [cut back to the “father and daughter”] older than he is! A five-o’clock shadow doesn’t add twenty years, guys!

Three guys with rifles and scarves covering their faces bust in, shooting and killing Bandit #2 and perhaps Grandpa. NC (v/o): So more random bad guys burst in as they fight their way through.

''Serdar then knocks one guy out of the way and is about to punch the other. We cut to a close-up shot of our hero delivering two air punches off-screen. The baddie he punched is “thrown” into a wall.'' NC (v/o): [as Serdar, but not in a masculine tone] Next time, I’ll hit you for real!

Serdar punches the third baddie in face, which sends him across the room, knocked out cold. Serdar: [to Girl, as he prepares to leave] Set the cottage on fire. We can’t leave any trace.

Girl: No. Please don’t.

Serdar: We have to survive.

''Cut to a close-up of the fire, burning the cottage. Girl continues to try as Serdar and Bandit #1 look on. Then the two men emotionlessly leave. Girl looks back as they depart.'' NC (v/o): [as Serdar; again, no Sly accent] Yeah. [smacks his lips] Well, good luck, lady. Hope your grandfather simmers down. [forced chuckle] Little joke there. [we see Girl run and catch up to the guys; normal v/o from NC] So the woman, or just “Girl” as she’s called in this movie, tries to see if she can go along with them. [after they look at each other for about two seconds, they all walk away together] After that long, drawn-out scene, we cut to [the next day, presumably…] the location of the mountain bandits, led by [close-up on:] the EVIL clone of James Lipton.

''One of Lipton’s cronies knocks a presumed spy to the ground with his rifle butt; the spy cries out in pain. Another man in a black sportcoat tries to help but is held back by two more henchmen.'' Lipton [the bad guy - that‘s what I‘m calling him]: You were going to rescue him, eh?

Spy: Forgive me, please! [is rifle-butted again] Ahh!

Lipton: You were going to help him get far away from me, eh? [as the spy gets up to talk again, we notice that the blood on his face looks like it’s dark yellow and not red - obviously, a poor make-up job]

NC: Why is he bleeding mustard? Did the prop guy just run out of ketchup for blood?

Sait [the sportcoat guy]: You animal! What you did was wrong. You don’t have an ounce of humanity left in you.

Lipton: AHH! [quickly points a revolver in Sait’s face]

NC (v/o): [as Lipton] Now tell me, if heaven exists, what would you like God to say to you at the Pearly Gates, motherfucker?

But Serder, Osman [Bandit #1], and… “Girl” arrive at the hideout, where they’re not greeted with much affection. [Lipton smacks Osman in the face so hard, Osman is thrown against the wall]

Lipton: [looking very angry and almost twitching] You should never have come back, let alone brought him along. I don’t know anybody to know where I’m HIDING!

NC: You’re just in time for me to transform into a mutant bullfrog! [blubbers and moves his tongue, indeed, like a frog]

NC (v/o): So Ricardo Montalbuff here is taking away while we… what?

Another series of rapid-fire cuts: in order, they are of Girl in the corner of some outdoor prison cell; Lipton on his bed; Sait on the edge of his cot; Lipton again, who looks off of his side; a different woman; and Lipton again. NC stammers a bit again before exploding, as the cutaways between Lipton and this other female continue.

NC (v/o): ESTABLISHING SHOTS, PEOPLE!! USE ESTABLISHING SHOTS!!

Girl: [as he is taking away by more henchman while Sait, Lipton, and Serdar look on] No, don’t touch me! I said no!

NC (v/o): Yea, the majority of her dialogue is pretty much Princess Peach-inspired. [the henchman drag her outside where it is raining hard, and they stand off to the side of Lipton]

Girl: Don’t touch me! Leave me alone!

NC (v/o): [as Girl] Oh no, you vicious brutes! Mario! Mario!

Lipton then looks ahead of him, as we see Serdar buried up to his neck in the ground.

NC (v/o): [chuckles] What, did he take a wrong turn by [as Bugs Bunny would pronounce it:] Albuquerque?

Lipton: his face starts going all bullfrog-like] You were going to tell the army where I’m hiding. [Girl cries out in “pain”] Your end is near! Start talking! [NC adds in a “Ribbit!”] You have no other choice! I said, talk! [“Ribbit!”] Or I will tear your eyes out! [“Ribbit! Ribbit, ribbit!”]

The two henchman then drag Girl against a tree in the yard as he continues to protest.

Girl: No! Don’t touch me!

NC (v/o): So they bring out Girl and start to do the most horrible things to her, like… [they proceed to…] slightly rip her dress. [they indeed tear off her left shoulder strap]

Lipton: I said, you will talk!

NC: [pointing off-screen right] Don’t make me damage the shoes! I WILL damage the shoes!

Lipton: Talk! TALK! [all the while, Serdar is straining to get out of the ground and making fake, pained faces as he does]

NC (v/o): [scoffs] What kind of faces is he making, anyway? Is he trying to be the new Bobcat Goldthwait? [overdubbing Serdar, Bobcat style] I don’t want you to damage the dress! It’s a nice dress. It’d be a shame if it were ruined!

At this point, Girl is kneeling on the ground, still being held by the henchman. Her screaming is causing her to become quickly tired. All Serdar can do is look at her.

NC (v/o): [scoffs] I think even SHE’S getting bored of screaming now. [more of the same from Girl]

NC: [in a feigned tone] Yeah. Eek, I guess.

Henchman #1: [he comes up to Lipton] Sait wants to talk to you.

NC: Oh, okay. Then we should [goes into bullfrog mode again] TALK! TALK!!

NC (v/o): So it’s kind of hard to understand, but I think the other spy tricks the leader into thinking that he works for another criminal overlord named Yakup and that a good ransom would be paid for it. The only downside is that Yakup has to be brought there in order to pay the ransom. Who can they possibly get to capture him and bring him there?

Sait: The good warrior can enter his camp and bring him here.

In his room, Lipton looks out the window and sees Serdar still in the ground, staring back at him.

NC (v/o): [as Lipton] Yeah, HE looks like a good warrior.

Back inside Lipton’s room, where he is in a chair, drinking and thinking over what to do. This “Other Girl” adds in her two cents.

Other Girl: I have a feeling you wanna use him. I can see it in your eyes. He’ll be very useful to you.

NC (v/o): Why, thank you, spontaneous Kate Winslet look-alike. Who are YOU?!

The next day, Serdar is being sprayed with water from a hose by a henchman.

NC (v/o): [scoffs] Never mind. We got hosing off of Beefcakes here to watch. [quickly cuts to a dungeon-like place, where Serdar appears to be whipped I the chest by something] Okay, so they hose him off to torture him some more? [cuts back to the hosing] Wh- now they’re back to hosing him. [now we cut to Serdar’s forearm getting sliced by a knife inside another room] Now they’re back to torturing him-

NC: You know what? Fuck it. You can edit ANYTHING in right now, it’d make just about as much sense.

Sure enough, we have a montage. First, Serdar looking all intense as he is whipped again. Then we cut to some random video of a cute white-haired kitten meowing. Next is a shot of another henchman who appears ready to shoot Serdar for some reason. What follows is the famous “Charlie bit me again” video from Youtube. We then see Serdar staring at a dagger being held close to the chest by SOMEBODY. Cut to a Photoshop image of a pterodactyl with butterfly wings on its back and an elephant’s head. [you heard me] Back to the film, as we see Serdar tie a bandanna around his forehead.

NC (v/o): So Serdar agrees to go on the mission to bring back Yakup to the camp. [Girl running away from the hideout] And in the meantime, Girl manages to escape as well. And just to make things even more confusing, [Lipton gives out his orders to Osman back at the compound] the crime leader orders Serdar to be killed after he retrieves Yakup.

Lipton: [to Osman] Bring Yakup here alive with the dead body of Serdar. That is the only way I can forgive you. [Osman then leaves]

NC (v/o): You know, I came into this movie hoping for mindless violence. I got the mindless, but where’s the violence?

We cut to some family’s room as we hear a young son yell out “Daddy!” as he’s held by a henchman, while another henchman shoves the mother out of the way - actually, he stops halfway through for half a second and THEN shoves her.

NC: [pointing at the screen] Ah, here we go.

Son: [crying] Daddy!

Mother [who kinda looks like a guy in drag]: Don’t touch my son! For God’s sake, my son!

NC: [chuckling] What, did we walk into a Monty Python sketch?

Mother: Don’t touch my son!

NC: [as a Monty Python Pepperpot] Please don’t hurt my son! I’ll give you some Spam!

NC (v/o): But we see Serdar meet up with Girl and break into the house to save the family.

In this “action” sequence, we see Serdar slit one baddie’s throat, stab another baddie in the throat - with a fake throwing-dagger effect, and then, in an exact replay, slit the first guy’s throat again.

NC: I guess he did that twice for good luck.

After stabbing another guy onto a couch, we see Serdar toss his dagger across the room. We cut to a shot of the dagger “traveling” all the way across the room - for about three seconds.

NC: Good thing this room is a mile-and-a-half long!

Eventually, the dagger lands in another baddie’s throat as he dies; and the family is reunited.

Son: Daddy!

Father: Oh! My son. My little son.

Girl and Serdar look on separately, with Serdar still holding his knife. Serdar tries to put his knife back into its holder unsuccessfully without looking - he stares at the family the whole time, which prompts NC to say:

NC (v/o): [as Serdar] Now, excuse me while I circumcise myself.

Father: These are godless bandits.

NC (v/o): So they take the bad guys’ Jeep and make their way to, you guessed it, more bad guys!

Here we see Serdar and Girl trying to evade the gunfire from the bandits. There are usual sound effects (gunfire, the Jeep, etc.), but there’s no music to accompany this. It all feels bland. We intercut with shots of NC looking on, waiting for something exciting to happen; nothing really does.

NC: [almost throwing up his hands] Could you at least act like this is exciting? [after a few more cuts, our duo make it to the mountains and stop the Jeep as they exit the vehicle]

NC (v/o): Well, THAT was enjoyably pointless!

Girl: What happened? Did we run out of gas?

Serdar: We better continue on foot. The Jeep has served its purpose. [the two run off into the mountains]

NC (v/o): [as Serdar playing Babe’s caretaker] It wasted two minutes of the audience’s time. That’ll do, Jeep. That’ll do.

Girl: Do you know how to get where we’re going?

Serdar: I know every inch of this terrain.

NC: [rolling his fists] Yay! Actual dialogue between these two!

Girl: Can I ask you a question?

Serdar: There’s no time to talk.

NC: [still holding up his fists] Never mind.

NC (v/o): And what do we get instead of some semblance of character development? More rock climbing! Oh… what a present. [the duo are seen from above climbing; NC dubs as Girl] Well, it sure beats waiting for a father half my age to walk in and get shot. Hey, look, a rock! [the two eventually make it to the top and have to jump across a small crevasse with a gap in the middle that leads to DEATH! - not that big a distance, but still dangerous; Serdar makes it to the other side and motions Girl over, but she’s scared]

Serdar: C’mon, jump! [Girl reaches out in front of her] Gimme your hand, c’mon! [he holds out his fist - closed, not open]

NC (v/o): [as Serdar] Gimme your hand. I’ll punch it.

Girl manages to jump across but slips and almost falls off the edge in a pretty poorly edited shot. Serdar is holding on to her as she hangs along the side. We zoom in on Serdar’s stoic face as…

NC (v/o): And we suddenly get an entirely pointless flashback. [at this point, we see Serdar presumably in his early military days as he’s grabbing the hand of a fellow soldier who’s ALSO about to fall down the mountainside. Both are dressed in some unconvincing camouflage with light blue berets] I think this was back when he was Van Damme’s stunt double on Street Fighter. [Serdar is struggling to pull his comrade up to the top] You know, green isn’t exactly the best camouflage in the desert! Looks like that color director is still hard at work. [Unfortunately, the other solider loses his grips and falls to his death - more like, SLIDES down the side. Serdar’s expression doesn’t look that pained]

NC (v/o): [as Serdar] Oh no, I’m mildly distressed by that. [cut back to present day; NC in normal voice] So our heroes make a fire; [camera pans down from Serdar at the top towards below] or, at least, we assume they make a fire as the editing suggests it just magically appears. [we get some intercuts of Serdar and Girl looking at each other as they eat “some wild animal”, whatever it is; all of a sudden, Girl speaks:]

Girl: I’m so tired of this madness. [from here, we cutaway twice to NC, who looks puzzled as to why this is happening] I’ve seen murder and dead bodies since I was a child. I never knew my mother, and my father was always in the mountains. And now where am I in life?

NC: What? [grabbing “the script” from in front of him] Okay, you’re like miles ahead on the script, babe. Uh, we’re on page 31.

Girl: When you set our cottage on fire, I hated you.

NC (v/o): So after she tries to make up for having absolutely no character, we see them break into the camp where that Yakup guy is supposed to be.

Here we see Serdar’s shadow against the wall through a door windowpane as he looks for Yakup. NC overdubs the theme from Alfred Hitchcock Presents over this. Back to the film as Serdar kicks in a door, grabs the guy behind it, wrestles him to the ground, and is about to stab him with his knife. But he pauses. He’s found Yakup.

Yakup: You are the first person who could reach me. Tell me what you want.

NC (v/o): So he drags Yakup back to the hideout when he comes across the Osman guy he broke out in the opening. [Osman appears to be dead along with other bodies that the group encounter. Serdar kneels down next to Osman’s body as we cut to a close-up on Osman’s head with a badly-made wound on his forehead] Oh no, they poured Juicy Juice all over him. [But Osman wakes up and looks at Serdar. Then one of the other “dead” guys stands up, armed with a revolver. Everyone looks back as the “dead” guy fires and shoots Girl] Oh no, not… whatever the hell her name was!

At this point, Serdar and Osman being to fight each other to the DEATH! Osman gives Serdar a few roundhouse kicks. Then Serdar flips Osman’s body over as if he’s done a cartwheel onto the ground. Serdar then leapfrogs […really, he does] to punch Osman in the chest. The overly acrobatic fight choreography continues as NC speaks.

NC (v/o): Jesus, this is monkey aerobics. I’m waiting for the title Turque de Sholeil to suddenly pop up.

The fighting continues until we get to a shot of Osman repeatedly punching Serdar in his chest, though it doesn’t look like he’s actually connecting. All the while, Serdar has this intense look on his face.

NC (v/o): [as Serdar] Stop it. You’re tickling me. Seriously, you’re gonna make me pee. Okay, [Serdar punches Osman in the face] knock it off. [cut to the two struggling to grab Serdar’s knife. Serdar eventually gets control, holds up Osman’s right arm, and punches him in the testicles]

NC (v/o): [in high-pitched voice] Low blow!

And starting here, NC adds in the music from the Street Fighter video game because… kinda obvious when you look at it. He also adds various effects as Serdar lands his punches: plenty of “Hadouken” shouts and one “Shoryuken!” when Serdar backflips to wrestle away from Osman and gain back control. …Oh, the fight? Serdar wins in the end.

Animated Casper: Timing!

Serdar tries to console a dying Girl once the fight ends.

Serdar: I’m sorry. I risked your life along with mine.

Girl: Please, don’t talk like that. I told you, I spent my childhood in the midst of violence and murder. I always knew that it would end like this.

NC: [as Serdar, pretending to hold Girl in his arms as he looks down] Oh, okay. [he lets go as we hear a “thump” sound effect as if Girl falls to the ground and NC leans away]

NC (v/o): So they bury Girl and make their way back to the hideout. The Jeep apparently serves purpose again as they use it to drive back. But the crime lord is not happy to see Serdar still alive. And so he tries to kill him, along with the other spy. [despite being shot in the shoulder, Sait manages to shoot a henchman, who reacts by jumping backwards with arms outstretched - not convincing]

Henchman #Whatever: Yee-iiee!

NC: [chuckles] This is, like, some of the most flamboyant dying I’ve ever seen. I mean, who dies like this?

We cut to a series of deaths in the film, where all the victims apparently act the same way as the aforementioned one - which is replayed.

NC (v/o): Yay, death! [death #2] Fame! [death #3] Fabulous! [death #4 features a sound effect of someone saying, “Froinlaven!” - don’t know where that’s from] So while there, he also tries to free a bunch of hostages the mountain bandits are holding. [at this point, Osman fires a bazooka gun - COMPLETE with a “poof” sound effect as the round of bullets comes off the gun, which is IN THE MOVIE and not added by NC, just so you know - at the bottom of a stairwell, perhaps to keep Serdar from saving the hostages]

NC: No, not the explosive Nerf gun! [eventually, Serdar punches Osman and grabs the bazooka gun himself - and fires at the stairwell from before, complete with the “poof”]

NC (v/o): Yay! He blew off the exact same area.

Male Hostage: Get back, get back! [Serdar busts through the barrier keeping the hostages at bay - basically, it’s flimsy wood, crudely held together]

NC (v/o): What, you can just slam through it the whole time? Maybe they should try bars instead of Styrofoam cardboard! [Serdar then goes on a, well, rampage] So Serdar and his bazooka pop gun go blowing up the entire hideout. [cut to a shot of him reloading the bazooka] Where is he constantly getting the ammo, by the way? Does he always keep a round of bazooka bullets up his ass? [we cut to the scene where, as he’s hiding, Serdar just HAPPENS to find a round lying right next to him] Oh, he just finds them on the floor. That’s even better.

NC: [with chair to screen-right and looking screen-left, imitating a person] You know, Harry, you shouldn’t keep that bazooka ammo lying around. [back to center to do someone else, looking screen-right] Why? Do you think someone’s gonna come around, run a rampage, have a bazooka, and coincidentally come to this exact same point? [looks back at center, laughs heartily, and then gasps exaggeratedly]

Serdar fires another explosive shot. We then see Lipton armed with his revolver looking very scared. Serdar has him sighted. He fires, and the shot lands near Lipton and someone else - I guess it worked because Lipton has a “nasty” wound.

NC (v/o): Oh no, he got relish in his eye! [Serdar runs towards Lipton; but there’s a barrel in his way, which he promptly kicks. NC dubs as Serdar:] Fucking barrel. [once Serdar is about to administer the final fatal blows to Lipton, he stops and has a vision of Girl - who appears only as a headshot and has a few flowers in front of her, as if she’s in Heaven - okay…; NC continues as normal] Suddenly, I guess Girl comes from beyond the grave just before he kills the villain.

Girl: And now, I can die in peace. Thanks to you, Serdar, finally, people of the world shall not live in darkness like I did. They shall live in a world full of joy. [eventually, Serdar strikes Lipton with the bazooka]

NC (v/o): [as Serdar] This is for joy! This is for peace! This is for living in a world without violence! DIE! [he does; NC continues as normal] So Serdar defeats the mountain bandits; some guy who looks like Slugworth says, ‘Good job”; and the film finally ends on a happy note… a-a sad note… it ju-, it just ends. [my guess is that the brass want Serdar to go on another mission, but Serdar refuses and walks away line the lone wolf that he is]

NC: And that was Turkish Rambo, also known as Rampage. So how was it? [pauses] Well, how the fuck do you think it is?

Montage of movie clips play, as do the theme.

NC (v/o): It’s pure crap; but, to its credit, it’s very enjoyable crap. Literally, every minute there’s something to make fun of or laugh at. And if you’re looking for stupidity on a very epic level, this is probably a decent film to check out.

NC: So that’s my review. Thank you again for buying the DVD and for supporting our work. And now, I think I’d like to end this review the same way that Turkish Rambo would like to end it. [he makes weird faces as he overdubs himself as if speaking in a bad Turkish accent] I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to. [after a brief pause, NC makes one last quick funny face and leaves]

THE