39

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 39 (August 23, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Go'da! [Formal Scanian for "hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen) Do you have an ACTUAL job? If so, what is it? And please describe it in detail.

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Yes, I DO have a job. And, actually, it's not so much what I do as WHO I do it for. / [indicates a jump cut] He is a charming man with pointy horns and a long tail. / He has me do all sorts of things. (pauses) Bad things, mostly. / And whenever I do a bad job, he likes to torture me. / However, whenever I do a GOOD job, he likes to torture me. / (looks up and chuckles) He's such a goofball that way. / He also likes me to serve as some sort of messenger. / Now you might be wondering what sort of messages does he like me to send. / Oh, things like: / (cut to That Guy moving frantically back and forth in sped-up footage with wild-eyed looks; the voice though is dubbed over and is deep and devilish) YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES! ALL HAIL SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS! (then, there is some sort of babbling from "the devil") / (back to normal position and speed) The benefits are good.

Narrator: Are you answering "No" to this question?

That Guy: (looks off to his left a bit, then back to camera) Banana. (after a few seconds, he gives "the finger")

Narrator: Will you have my baby?

That Guy: I already HAVE your baby. / I'm sorry I forgot to tell you that you gave birth to him, but (points pipe at camera) that'll teach you to pay more attention. / But don't worry; he has a very good home in my side drawer. / He's already speaking his first words, like "Help me!" or 'Call the police!" / And did I mention he already knows his numbers? / He won't stop shouting "911" any time soon. / I love that little bastard of mine. (staring off-camera a bit) / (normal) Yes.

Narrator: Why so serious?

That Guy: Because I dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. / (winks at the camera)

Narrator: Could you take a look at this boil for me?

That Guy: Certainly. Just remove it from your body and MAIL it to me. / (chuckle) It'll be a delight to add to my boil collection. / I have boils from all around the world. / Chinese boils, English boils... / Jamaican boils, ooh! Those are TASTY. / I even have frozen boils from Alaska. / I like to call them "my little Eskimo Pies," but THEY seem to like to call it "unholy and despicable." / But what do those stupid eskimos know? / I saw the movie North; they're sick bastards! / Getting rid of their old folks on blocks of ice: / that's what I did to MY grandpa. / (looks up) Except we didn't have any ice, so I just stuffed him in the freezer. / He didn't see that coming HIS ninetieth birthday, I can tell you. / (nodding) And THAT is the meaning of Christmas. (pauses) What was the question?

Narrator: If a golden ticket gets you into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, what does a purple ticket get you?

That Guy: Syphilis.

Narrator: Wanna cookie?

That Guy: DO I EVER? (walks up to the camera; but he runs into it, as indicated by a loud smacking sound effect, and falls to the ground)

Narrator: If the tooth fairy loses a tooth, who takes it from under the pillow?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Nazis. / You see, the teeth of the Tooth Fairy have very special powers. / They can turn ANY person with Jewish blood into goat cheese. / (points pipe at camera) Nazis really like this! / So, they capture as many tooth fairies as they can, / pull out every single one of their teeth, / and use it to create their diabolical machine simply known as "The Cheesinator." / The only problem is: they don't know how to make it. / But that doesn't stop them from beating the crap out of those little tooth fairies! / God bless those little Nazis! / Incidentally, did you know that was one of the songs that was cut from Mary Poppins? "God Bless The Little Nazis"! / But they thought it might be a little too controversial, what with there being religion in it and all. / That's a bit of a taboo subject. / (holds still a bit) How'd you get in here anyway?

Narrator: How is the sky the limit when there are footprints on the moon?

That Guy: You're an idiot.

Narrator: I suffer a great depression, and I don't want to live any more; but I don't have the courage to commit suicide. Will you please kill me by shooting me in the head with a handgun?

That Guy: Certainly. ''(holds up his gun, cocks it, and walks out screen-right. We cut to the front door of Casa de That Guy as he walks out the front door with the gun held up to his head, ready to fire. The music has changed to an Appalachian-style, folky melody. [The name eludes me right now - ed.] We then see a few shots of That Guy walking the neighborhood towards his destination: one where he walks away from the camera in the road, one where the camera catches him walking, one where he walks with the camera back-tracking him, and one where he walks on the sidewalk and then turns left on a dime along the walkway to his destination. All throughout this, he has the same fixed happy, smiling expression on his face, which he never breaks. Cut to a shot of the front-door area of the other house as we see That Guy walk up to the door, open in, and walk straight inside, closing the door behind him. The folky music cuts off. We then hear a scream from "inside", followed by a gunshot. There's a sound effect of the door opening, as we see That Guy exit the house as the folky music re-starts. We track That Guy as he walks around the house, heading for home. Cut to That Guy returning to his perch, setting the gun on the cabinet behind him and taking his normal pose; the music switches back to Beethoven) By the way, where do you live? / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)''

THE END

That is, until we see another shot of That Guy sped up (footage from the first question) as more demonic laughing/babbling is heard.