51

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 51 (June 18th, 2010)

''Ask That Guy is reading a book while smoking a pipe. When he notices the camera, he takes out his pipe.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Omole! ''[can't find the language to verify; help! - ed.]'' Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses. Opening introduction and piano music.

Narrator (always off-screen, questions on-screen unless noted): Why is Pi squared and not round?

That Guy: (turns to the camera and takes out his pipe) That's a very good question. Well, first of all, have you ever HAD Pi round? It's disgusting! / [indicates a jump cut] All that fruit and sweetness, it's absolutely gross. / Now, square Pi? Oh, THAT'S the delicious part. / It has all sorts of endangered meats like whale, dolphin, and even dodo. / If you've never had dodo before, I highly recommend it. / It tastes like a mix between, vinegar, asparagus, and DEATH... / (leans in to the camera) mixed with poisoned cactus, of course. / If you haven't had square Pi before, I suggest you make some right now and eat it. / And then you can mail me your corpse so I can use it in one of my MANY sacrifices. / Incidentally, did you know I was Sacrifice Monthly's Devil Worshipper of the Month? / In fact, I was the centerfold. / And with nipples like mine (points to them with his mouthpiece), who can blame them? / Me. / (softly) Yes.

Narrator: Are you there, God?

''That Guy looks up; then we hear "God" (Doug in a deep, altered voice) saying, "Nnnope!" That Guy looks back at the camera and shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "Oh, well!"''

Narrator: Is there an Ask That Chick With The Glasses that can handle more feminine questions?

That Guy: What, so you think I'm not OPEN enough to answer any feminine questions? Is that it? (scoffs) How sexist is THAT? (growing frustrated) For crying out loud, I can answer feminine questions, okay? Go ahead! Ask me one! ASK me one right now!

Narrator: I'm having my period and...

That Guy: Okay, stop! (waving his hands to cut the scene short) Stop. We'll look into it. (with a pained look on his face)

Narrator: How can I guarantee I will pass my next exam?

That Guy: (turns to camera) Well, either study hard or CHEAT. / I recommend cheating because studying takes up WAY too much time. / And you could be using that time to do MORE important things. / Like painting your face yellow and going,,, (trilling in a high pitch with his eyes wide open) / Why? I don't know. It's gotta be better than studying. (pause) It's so BORING.

Narrator: Did somebody say, "MacDonald's"? [spelling error the questioner probably sent - ed.]

That Guy: Did they? Let's GO! (He leaves screen-right. We then hear high-pitched screaming from possibly a young girl as five gunshots are fired. As the screaming continues alone for a few seconds, one last shot is heard; the screaming stops. That Guy comes back into view from the right, chuckling and wiping his hands clean of any mess. When he notices the camera, he's briefly startled and looks quickly to his left before explaining:) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said, "slaughter a bunch of children in an orphanage;" but YOU said, "McDonald's." (brief chuckle) My mistake.

Narrator: Did somebody say, "slaughter innocent children inside an orphanage"?

That Guy: Wow, I want some McDonald's. (he leaves screen-left again)

Narrator: Those are some fancy glasses. How did you get them anyway?

That Guy: (normal position) They belonged to a child in an orphanage. (scoffs) Trust me, he wasn't gonna need them anymore.

Narrator: If there's an alphabet, then what happened to Betabet and Deltabet? ''[Note: this is different from the actual question, only by a few words. On screen, it reads, "what happened to the Betabet or the Deltabet?" - ed.]''

That Guy: Well, I think it's obvious: Alpha had them killed. / You see, Alphabet is much like the Alpha Dog. Since he's at the TOP, nobody fucks with him. / The Hawaiian alphabet tried to mess with our alphabet; and, because of it, they lost several letters. / And let's not forget the ancient battle of the Letters of Iwo Jima. / (looks up briefly) Incidentally, I think Clint Eastwood made a MOVIE out of that. / It was called Care Bears: The Next Generation. / (leans in) Jean-Luc Picard was their captain. / And if you think I'm wrong, I'm not.

Narrator: Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse, or are there other places like this?

That Guy: No, it's the only place; (leans in, pointing his pipe) and trust me, you don't wanna go there. / All those videos and commercials of people having fun? Unh-unh, That's just a cover. / Disney World is actually a gigantic mouse trap! / You know how Epcot has all those weird little gadgets that you can't understand? Those are the gears! / You see, Cinderella's Castle has a giant hose that pours gasoline on all the people! / And then Mickey Mouse goes, "Ha-ha!" (Mickey Mouse-style), lights a match and BURNS them all away! / (starts to cry) They fall apart like leaves! / Anyone not wearing a million sunblock [I'm guessing he means 1,000,000 SPF lotion - ed.] is gonna have a REAL BAD DAY, GET IT? / (sobs again) You think you're saving a life, but you're dead! You, me, him, this whole place, everything is GONE!!! / (hysterically and up-close) I KNOW IT HAPPENED!! IT HAPPENED!!!! (we then cut to the Color Bars test pattern screen)

"Mickey Mouse" (voice-over by Doug): Ha-ha! This'll be ONE second, folks!

That Guy: (back in his normal position. However, he is now moving eerily like the animatronic figures you see at Disney World with stilted movements of his arms and his mouth constantly opening and closing. The voice-over you hear is his normal tone, but it sounds a "bit" forced.) Ladies and gentlemen, PLEASE don't believe what I just said a second ago. Disney is a WONDERFUL place and would not knock me out and replace me with an animatronic of myself. Hamster jelly and onions. THAT'S what I say, right?

Narrator: Why do we kill people who kill people to show them that killing people is wrong?

That Guy: 'Cause we're FUCKIN' IDIOTS. Next!

Narrator: How did you like the final episode of "Lost"?

That Guy: (chuckles) Are you kidding? I thought it was splendid. / See, I didn't care if a lot of the questions weren't answered. I was emotionally involved, and that's what matters. / You see, J.J. Abrams was right: it wasn't about all the questions being asked; it was about the emotional attachment that you got to these characters. / And in the end, as long as THEY have a happy ending, I have a happy ending. / (chuckles) Just kidding. (gets angry) It was the BIGGEST PIECE OF HORSESHIT I EVER SAW!! / Yeah, because THAT'S what we really want to see. We want to see the characters get a (sarcastically) "happy ending." BULLFUCK! / We want ANSWERS, man! Answers to these questions that YOU created! / And don't give me some bullshit about, (sarcastic) "Oh, we're not supposed to know the answers! It's all SYMBOLIC!" / This isn't Pulp Fiction, where the PEOPLE knew what was in the briefcase, but we didn't! You see, THEY at least KNEW! / In the VERY FIRST episode, they ask the question: "What's that smoke monster?" THEY want to know, so WE want to know! (smacks his forehead with his hands) GET IT?!?! / I mean, there are so many questions that just went unanswered, like: (starts talking pretty fast) "What was that TRIBE in the middle of the forest?" You know, the one that had, like, the little, uh, castle with the Aztec tribe or whatever that was? And they're trying to kill Sayid. I mean, what was up with that? What was up... (dissolves into the next question) And how about seeing Jack's father on the island over and over and over? I mean, that made no sense. Or-or WALT! Remember Walt, the psychic kid? Yeah, THAT really went somewhere, didn't it? That was SO important! They were building THAT up... (dissolves into the next part) And WHO WAS FUCK was Jacob and the Man In Black? WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY? They're just sort of standing there, like this big, epic battle... and we don't even know what they are! We have no IDEA what the fuck they are! I mean, they're just TALKING to each other... (dissolves into this part) And Jack has to go into this CAVE and take a ROCK OUT, just to put it back IN! And DESMOND is important for some reason! (starting to lose it) But do we KNOW? NO! NO!! BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING TELL US!! (at this point, he jumps around in a circle, shaking his fists and throwing a tantrum) THEY NEVER FUCKING TELL US!! THEY NEVER FUCKING TELL US!!... (dissolves into THIS, with That Guy's demeanor MUCH more jovial:) And then Santa took ALL the little elves back to his workshop, and they lived HAPPILY ever after. (pauses, then looks up) Boy, did I get sidetracked. / Bottom line: "Lost" sucks now. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks and goes back to reading his book and smoking his pipe, but he then says...) And FUCKIN' answer it, Mr. Abrams! (returns to reading and smoking)

THE END (followed by the Channel Awesome tag)