Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2009

Todd: This... you know, I'd never done anything but short, less-than-ten-minute videos in my life, and I had...I decided I wanted to do, like, a Top 10 just to mix things up, and it was so... It was so long, it was so much harder than I thought it was gonna be, and...at the end, I had to actually cut a lot out of it, especially toward...with "Diva". Maybe I should go back and revisit "Diva" 'cause I had so much more material than made it in there; I was just trying to keep it short. And "I'm Yours", I had a lot of stuff in there, and most of that eventually wound up in either the "Hey, Soul Sister" review or the "Lazy Song" review. You should've seen my horror when I realized I had to put Beyonce on there three times, 'cause that's what I felt. And it was like, oh, God, I'm gonna seem like a horrible, like, man...He-Man Woman Hater. I was... 'cause she's a strong, confident woman. I'm gonna seem like I have a vendetta against her...which, you know, I'm not a fan. I was, like, extremely worried about it. And...the only reason I did the Top 10 was the...only way I could get to all the stuff I missed. And...I love Top 10s, but they're so much work. But...it was...the first time I really stepped out of...the normal review format, so I was proud of how that one turned out. All right, this is my Top 10 Least Favorite Songs of 2009.

Fades out

''Fade into Todd walking in. He plays "Blame It" by Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain on his piano.''

TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2009 A year end review

Todd: You know, I've...I've only been making videos for a short time, but I've always had a thing for nitpicking and overanalyzing simple pop songs; and as the year wound down, I was thinking, oh, you know, if I only had a chance to get to this song or that song, or take down some other big pop song that I hated. And that's why I'm doing this—the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009. [Grabs stack of papers on piano.] I have here, in my hand, Billboard's Top 100 Songs of 2009, and [goes through pages, slamming each one down] I went through every single song on this list just trying to pick out the ten worst, which was not an easy feat. And remember, I'm restricting myself to hit songs, so it has to be on this list. Because I wanted to make the point that these aren't just terrible songs, they're terrible, humongously popular songs; and whatever you're listening to, more people were listening to what is on this list. So keep that in mind while we count down...

Video clip of The Pussycat Dolls - "I Hate This Part", which serves as the interlude through the countdown Nicole: I hate this part right here

Todd (VO): The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009.

Nicole: I just can't take your tears

Todd (VO): #10.

Todd: Okay, I like watching movies, I watch a lot of movies, and one of the more interesting ones, to me, that came out this year was...

Clip from...

Todd (VO): ...Hannah Montana: The Movie. Yeah, I watched it.

Todd: Shut up. I had my reasons. How was the movie? Well...

Miley: I'm gonna add a little hip-hop to this hoedown. [Goes into "Hoedown Throwdown"] Pop it, Lock it, Polka-dot it Countrify it, Hip-Hop it Put ya hawk in the sky, and move side-to-side Jump to the left, stick it, glide.

Todd: Yeah, that's a whole other review. But here's the relevant part.

Montage of clips from the movie

Todd (VO): Little Miley is tired of pretending to be Hannah Montana, she wants to break out of the whole secret identity thing and be her own person; and she starts writing a song on her own, but her cowhand love interest doesn't like it.

Travis: Not bad, it just wasn't... Miley: "Good." Travis: ...about anything. It doesn't tell me anything about who you are or what you feel.

Todd (VO): So chastened, she takes that criticism to heart, reconfigures the song, and later in the movie, she has kind of a nervous breakdown...

Miley/Hannah: I can't do this.

Todd (VO): ...and she unmasks, or unwigs, I guess, and she asks the crowd if she can be herself and not Hannah, and perform her own song, and she does, and it turns out to be, of course, "The Climb".

''Video for #10. Miley Cyrus - "The Climb".'' Miley: I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, but...

Todd (VO): That's right. Miley's big entry into emotional depth and mature, confessional songwriting is signified through one of the most brain-emptyingly banal songs in recent memory.

Miley: It's the climb

Todd (VO): I mean, you wanna know what this song is? It's this. [Motivational poster reading: Life: it's not about the destination, but the journey.] It's like staring at this one image for three minutes.

Todd: I mean, what a revelation—it's the journey, not the destination. Wow, groundbreaking. Any other insights you wanted to share? [Famous poster of kitten hanging on branch reading: Hang in there]

Todd (VO): This is the kind of generic schlock that they make American Idol winners sing, and let's face it, Miley Cyrus is no American Idol winner.

Miley: Gotta keep my head held high

Todd: You know, people say, "oh, producers can make anyone sound like they can sing." Well, they sure can't make Miley Cyrus sound like she can sing! She does not have a singing voice!

Todd (VO): Maybe it's hard to recall after the billion times you've heard this song, but do you remember the first time it came on, and you wondered, "oh, God, why are they making some poor five-year-old with a tummy ache try to sing?!"

Miley: Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Travis: It doesn't tell me anything about who you are or what you feel.

Todd: God, I'd hate to hear what that first version sounded like.

Miley: It's all about the climb

Interlude

Todd (VO): #9.

Video for Beyonce - "Irreplaceable" Beyonce: You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me

Todd (VO): Whether by accident or by design, a large number of Beyonce's songs have been about how she's angry at a man, maybe because that's the only emotion she's ever believably conveyed. Like, what, some 70% of her songs are viciously pummeling some guy who did her wrong.

Todd: But why target one man at a time, when you can take them all out at once?

''Video for #9. Beyonce - "If I Were a Boy"'' Beyonce: If I were a boy Even just for a day

Todd (VO): The real tragedy here is that most of Beyonce's songs annoy me because they don't have a tune, but the tune here is fine; and usually Beyonce's singing makes me feel like I'm being hit with a brick, but her singing here is fine. No, the problem is with the moronically sexist lyrics!

Todd: Yeah, see, Beyonce thinks that only guys hurt the ones that love them.

Beyonce: And chase after girls

Todd (VO): Only guys cheat.

Beyonce: And I’d never get confronted for it 'Cause they’d stick up for me

Todd (VO): And girls never have their friends stick up for them when they screw around. Guys never get taken for granted.

Todd: Yeah, that's the way it works, all right. [Pause] No, I'm not bitter.

Beyonce: When you lose the one you wanted

Todd (VO): I mean, I've had my heart stomped on before, but I don't go around saying, "all girls are insane, they'll try and take your money, blah blah blah..." I'm not saying that to be congratulated, I'm just saying I'm not a 13-year-old who just got dumped for the first time, and neither is Beyonce! What possible excuse is there for this?!

Beyonce: But you’re just a boy

Todd: And you're just an overrated pop singer. Next!

Interlude

Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: The thing about child performers is that every once in a while, you get that one who's just got all that talent and maturity and grace of a seasoned veteran. But most of the time, you get Justin Bieber.

''Video for #8. Justin Bieber - "One Time"'' Justin: Ay, ay Me, plus you.

Todd (VO): I'm sorry. This kid is not ready for prime time. Send him back to the minors for seasoning. This kid sounds terrified!

Justin: Your world is my world

Todd (VO): Well, not...not that it helps that he was saddled with a terrible song. The production already sounds dated, and it breaks one of the ten commandments of music—you don't let ten-year-old white boys use the word "shorty"!

Justin: Whatever you want, shorty, I'll give it to you

Todd (VO): And it doesn't even make sense.

Justin: I'ma tell you one time

Todd (VO): "I'm gonna tell you one time"? Awfully tough talk for a love song.

Todd: I'm only gonna tell you one time! I love you. And if only he'd kept that promise and said it just the one time, instead of a billion.

Clips of Justin singing, "one time," with a counter, along with The Fugees' "Killing Me Softly", American Pie... Michelle: And this one time... ...and Daft Punk's... Daft Punk: One more time At the end, the count is 20

Todd: No more times! I thought we already solved this problem. Little kiddy music goes on Radio Disney or Nickelodeon or something, and I don't ever have to hear it. How did this kid slip through the cracks? Sheer sex appeal?!

Justin: We gonna keep keep climbin' to the mountain top Your world is my world

Interlude

Todd (VO): #7.

''Video for #7. Jeremih - "Birthday Sex"'' Jeremih: It's your birthday so I know you want to ride out

Todd: Happy birthday, I got you my orgasm. [Blows through noisemaker]

Jeremih: Just tell me where you want your gift girl... Birthday sex

Todd (VO): Man, R&B has gotten stupid. Fellas, no matter how good you think you are at it, this is not an acceptable birthday gift. It only makes sense if you're really bad at it the rest of the year, or if you usually just don't give it to her at all. And just as bad is the fact that it's just one of many R&B songs that just sounds creepy. I mean, listening to that tinkly, ominous music box, listening to the oddly threatening tone of the singer who apparently thinks it's the hottest move of seduction to go, "I I I I."

Various clips of video Jeremih: I I I

Todd: I I I

Jeremih: I I I

Todd: Oh, Jeremih, I never knew you cared. This is the worst birthday ever.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #6.

''Video for #6. Soulja Boy Tell'em ft. Sammie - "Kiss Me Thru the Phone"'' Sammie: Kiss me thru the phone I'll see you later on

Todd: I think Soulja Boy's getting better.

Todd (VO): Where to even begin. The obnoxious, nursery rhyme melody? The bleepity-bloopity synth track? Or Soulja Boy's utter determination not to use more than nine words in any given song?!

Soulja Boy: Da da dadadada da da dadadada da da... [Todd just covers his head] She dial my...

Todd (VO): But really, why is he trying to elevate the single most innocuous romantic gesture into some kind of grand statement?

Todd: I mean...I mean, here's what the song is about: [picks up phone and speaks into it] Bye, honey. See you soon. *kiss* [Flips phone shut] The end. The end. That was it, that was it. As far as romance goes, that was about as romantic as occasionally making eye contact, unless there's something that I'm not getting here. Like... [flips phone open] do you... [begins making out with phone and retches] That was a terrible idea.

Sammie: See you when I get home

Interlude

Todd (VO): #5.

Clip of Jack Johnson - "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" Jack: I was sittin', waitin', wishin'

Todd (VO): This is Jack Johnson. He didn't have a hit this year; I only bring him up because I hate him. Jack Johnson is the leading purveyor of my least favorite genre of all time—the "white guy with acoustic guitar" genre. And what I hate about it is that it's so rudimentary and common. I can walk into any dorm room or coffee shop in America and hear this. And you know it's getting bad when it starts to affect otherwise interesting artists.

''Video for #5. Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours"'' Jason: Well you've done done me and you bet...

Todd (VO): I mean, I wasn't ever a Jason Mraz fan, I thought most of his stuff was embarrassing, but he had his own thing, you know? He had his own thing, but not anymore now. Because now he's actively trying to be Jack Johnson, which is like trying not to exist!

Todd: With "I'm Yours", Jason Mraz has effectively turned himself into that guy at the party trying to impress drunk girls with his lousy guitar-playing. Newsflash, Mraz—everyone hates that guy! [Clip from National Lampoon's Animal House, where Bluto destroys a guitar] Now, piano at a party. That's where it's at. [Plays short chord]

Jason: Love love love...

Todd (VO): I mean seriously. Here. This is my impression of Jason Mraz recording "I'm Yours".

Todd: [wearing hat and with guitar in lap] Hey, guys, I'm back. You know, this little melody popped in my head while I was taking a leak just now, and I was thinking we should record it. Here we go. [Plays and scats a little] And we're done. [Puts guitar away] No, I don't wanna do a second take. Yeah, lead-off single, yeah.

Todd (VO): This song is so boring and nondescript that, of course, it set a record this year for longest run in the Top 40, and you know, why not? There's no reason to turn it off, unless of course, you wanted to hear actual music.

Todd: There's just nothing to object to in this song; and yet, for some reason, it fills me with inexplicable rage whenever I hear it.

Bluto: Sorry.

Todd: [sigh] And speaking of record-setting.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #4.

Video for Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling" will.i.am: I gotta feeling

Todd (VO): The Black Eyed Peas sat on the top of the pop charts for a record 26 consecutive weeks in 2009, 14 of which were "I Gotta Feeling". Why? Why did this happen? Well, I have a theory.

Todd: Because it's awesome!

Todd (VO): No, no, seriously, I actually love "I Gotta Feeling". I only bring it up because it amazes me that probably their best song was immediately preceded by one of their worst.

''Video for #4. Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow"'' will.i.am: Gotta get that that that, that that Peas: Boom boom boom (Gotta get that)

Todd (VO): How can I like one and not the other? Well partly, it's because one song is about a bunch of goofballs having a good time, and the other one is a bunch of idiots telling me how much better they think they are than me. But more importantly, "Boom Boom Pow" is not a song, it's a bunch of scraps of other songs! This song is made out of stuff that the Black Eyed Peas threw in the garbage can because it wasn't good enough for other Black Eyed Peas songs! And yeah, try and wrap your head around that statement.

Fergie: I'm so three thousand and eight You so two thousand and late

Todd: What's great about that line is that they clearly wrote it in 2008, and didn't release it in time, but they loved that awful line so much, that they had to make it even worse just to make it make sense.

Fergie: People in the place

Todd (VO): And it really bums me out that Fergie—who has a beautiful voice, for the record—continues to decide that she wants to be the most obnoxious person in the universe.

Fergie: I like that boom boom pow

Todd: [imitating] I like that boom boom pow. She sounds like she's doing a Cartman impression. But the one I'm really disappointed in is will.i.am. You remember how he started out 2008?

Clip of "Yes We Can" video, in which celebrities speak to clips of Barack Obama

Todd (VO): Yeah, that's right. And then Obama won the election, and fresh off that brief flirtation with relevance, what does will.i.am follow up with?

will.i.am: Y'all getting hit with (Boom boom)

Todd (VO): With the boom boom. Lovely.

apl.de.ap: We got the beat that...

Todd (VO): And who's this guy?!

Todd: This song is so bad that it is, of course, [looks at the list] right at the top of the list. #1 song of the year. I don't get you people.

Interlude

Todd: #3.

''Video for #3. Beyonce - "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"'' Beyonce: All the single ladies

Todd (VO): Uggghhh!

Todd: I'm sorry, but I have to say it. This year,...

Clip from MTV VMAs Kanye West: Beyonce had one of...

Todd: ...worst songs of all time!

Kanye West: ...of all time!

Todd (VO): Seriously, the point of this song is that she just dumped the guy who wouldn't commit, and went out to the club to enjoy herself, and she's still angry! Where does this hatred of men come from?! She's never said anything about ever having a bad relationship! She's not Tina Turner! But that's not the real problem, though. No. The problem is that musically, this was Beyonce's shoutiest, most unlistenable single to date.

Todd: This song just has some clattering percussion, and Beyonce screaming, "all the single ladies, all the single ladies!" until my ears bleed. WHERE'S THE REST OF THE SONG?!

Todd (VO): The really awful thing is that when some actual music does kick in, it sounds like a horror movie or a bad acid trip soundtrack while Beyonce and her posse surround you and start screaming...

Beyonce et al: [repeats over and over] If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it

Todd: [covering his head as the trip begins] AHH!!! She's in my head! SHE'S IN MY HEAD!!! AAHHHH!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'LL PUT A RING ON IT!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Interlude

Todd (VO): #2.

Todd: Those of you who have watched my videos in the past may remember that I might have said something along the lines of... [Flashback to review of...] This is the worst song I've ever heard! Yeah...that wasn't true.

''Video of #2. Mario ft. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett - "Break Up"'' Mario: When I kiss you so good Why would you wanna break up?

Todd (VO): Yes, believe it or not, "Break Up" only made it to #2 this year. And we'll get to what could possibly have been worse in a minute, but I wanna point out that "Break Up" is still one of the most incoherent, incompetent songs I've ever heard! Every time I listen to this song, I find more to hate. The limp, energy-less beat; the high, tweeting synths; the fractured message; the nauseous rhythm; the way that all three men involved seem to acknowledge that they're awful boyfriends, but are still convinced that sex alone will make up for it! Even the video is bad. What is this, the dumping-you dance?!

Todd: I've already pretty thoroughly thrashed this song, and I'm lucky it didn't give me cancer the first time around, so that's all I have to say about this. But really, what could be worse? What, I ask you; what?

Interlude

Todd (VO): #1.

Video for Beyonce - "Sweet Dreams"

Todd (VO): This was a big year for Beyonce. I mean, hell, this was a big decade for Beyonce. Solo and with Destiny's Child, year after year after year, hit after hit after hit, and you know...I think I even liked a couple of them. But something snapped in me this year and I just couldn't take it anymore. "Baby Boy", "Independent Women", "Bug a Boo", "Check on It", "Cater 2 U", "Naughty Girl", "Beautiful Liar", I HATE ALL THESE SONGS! And even the songs she had which I don't hate, I just don't want to hear this horrible woman anymore.

Todd: But oh, boy...even as a dedicated hater, I was not prepared for this.

''Video of #1. Beyonce - "Diva"'' Beyonce: I'ma-a diva (hey)

Todd (VO): I shouldn't have to explain why I don't like this song, right? I mean, listen to it.

Beyonce: Diva is a female version of a hustla

Todd (VO): To begin with, hip-hop has been trying to sell us this whole "ladies is pimps too" thing for a while. I mean, if you have to keep telling people, it's probably not true. Furthermore, "diva" does not mean hustler, no matter how much Beyonce wants you to believe it. I know that's not what it means because they present the definition of the word right at the beginning of the video, and guess what it doesn't say. But that's not the real point, is it? the point is that this song sounds atrocious! You gotta...it sounds like psychotic elves repeating the same three words over and over again. And you got that off-key, seasick beat that just makes you feel like you just took three shots of tequila and then spun around in circles.

Todd: I mean, it sounds...[starts feeling sick]

Todd (VO): And yes, it is produced by the same guy who produced "Break Up", and that guy needs to be hunted down and beaten, and I'm not even a person who believes you should say things like that about other people.

Todd: Who wanted to hear Beyonce rap in the first place? Who thought that was a good idea? Who...[gets sick again] God. If I have to listen to this anymore, I will throw up, so there you have it. "Diva" by Beyonce—a deserving winner for worst single of the year. Thank you and good... [covers his mouth and gets away fast]

Beyonce: I'ma, I'ma-a diva, I'ma, I'ma-a diva Hey

Closing tag song: Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow"

''THE END This video is owned by me A top 11 would have had "Whatcha Say"''