Commercial Special

(We find our friend, the Critic, on his recliner wearing a white shirt that says "I O Donuts" (the O being a donut) with various food items (including a bag of Tostito chips and a box of Zebra Cakes) piled on top of him. He's not looking too good.)

NC: Oh. Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so ... (stuffs his face with a cookie) Well, ever since last week when the comments were made by the director of My Pet Monster, I've been doing a little thinking, asking myself some questions, like ... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Is this really what I wanna be? This pathetic loser? So, I do what I always do when I get really depressed. I watch old nostalgic TV.

(We start seeing various commercials that we watched during our childhoods.)

NC (vo): Oh, Sgt. Slaughter. You represent a simpler time when your last time could also mean illegal war crimes, or when your biggest problem was NOT collecting the latest action set.

NC: Fight the good, fight, Sgt. Slaughter! (sadly munches on some potato chips)

(Footage from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies commercial plays.)

All four Ninja Turtles: We're heroes in a half-shell, we're baking a surprise! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies!

NC (vo): Oh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pies. I remember when the line "Fresh from the Sewer" actually sounded appetizing.

One of the Ninja Turtles: Fresh from the sewers to you!

NC: God, is this the only true thing that brings me pleasure? Just pure, pathetic nostalgia? I'm a wreck. (holds his head)

Dino-Rob: Aw. There, there Critic! It's not so bad. (pats NC on the back)

NC: It is so bad! Get out of here!

Dino-Rob: Fine. Fine. ... I'm a dinosaur. (walks away)

(Footage from various commercials plays.)

NC (vo): (sighs) Fucking commercials. What is it about them that draws me to them? They're so conniving, yet so inviting. It's like they're in their own little world. A world that wants to be nice to you but scam you at the exact same time. Something about them strangely gives me comfort.

NC: I could actually watch these ads all day. Actually ... that's not a bad idea. Maybe I need to take a break from nostalgic movies and nostalgic TV shows and take a look at the stuff in between.

NC (vo): I mean, I loved commercials growing up. They got me excited for all the things I pestered my parents over until their ears gushed with blood. Every time you watched them, you felt like you were making a deal them: You buy their products and in return, they deteriorate your intelligence and physical health. It's a good trade.

NC: How could such cunning manipulation go unappreciated? You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna take this entire episode and just watch commercials. Yeah, this is a tribute to all the plastic, sugar-coated nonsense that we loved growing up. This is a segment I like to call "After These Messages..."

(We then see those ABC "After These Messages" bumpers.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages...

Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages...

Clay Dog (sings): After these messages...

(The title "After These Messages..." is shown.)

Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back!

NC: I'm not gonna go in any order or tie them together with any theme. It's just going to be commercials, commercials, commercials. So, let's get started.

Apple Jacks
(TV static transition to:  Apple Jacks  commercial)

Girl 1: (commenting to another girl about a male teen eating the cereal) Look, it's Stretch Armstrong eating Apple Jacks.

NC (vo): Ah, Apple Jacks. You remember these commercials, right? It always starts out with a group of kids eating this cereal and then some snooty know-it-all always asks why they're eating it if it doesn't taste like apples, which is a good point. Why the hell doesn't it taste like apples? It's like if Cocoa Puffs tasted like Oat Bran. It's kinda false advertising.

Girl 1: (commenting to another girl about a male teen eating the cereal) Look, it's Stretch Armstrong eating Apple Jacks.

Girl 2: We'll see.

NC: (as Girl 2) Yes, yes. We'll see if he's cool by subjecting him to ... the Apple Jacks Test.

Voice (Girl 1): Not the Apple Jacks Test.

NC: (as Girl 2) YES. THE APPLE JACKS TEST!

Girl 2: You're eating Apple Jacks? Shouldn't it taste like apples?

Boy: That isn't why it tastes so good.

Girl 2: Then, why?

(Oh Snap!)

Knight from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade: You must choose, but choose wisely.

Girl 3: They just do.

Knight: You have chosen wisely.

NC (vo): And then they end it with all the kids taking a picture together, but my absolute favorite part is the caption at the bottom: Apple Jacks '94. Somebody actually looked at this picture and called it "Apple Jacks '94" as if to say:

NC: God. I remember that summer. That was the summer of Apple Jacks. The summer where anything was possible. The summer where boys became men and girls became women. THAT was Apple Jacks. I know. I wrote in on the picture.

(Footage of the TV-miniseries/movie It plays as the seven main kid characters take a picture together.)

NC (vo): Do you think the kids from It did the same thing, like when they all took that picture together and labelled it Apple Jacks '54? You know, instead of the summer of "Oh my god, a killer clown! A fucking killer clown!!! Don't ever forget the killer clown! A killer clown!"

NC: Eh, it could happen!

Male Teen: (announcing as the cereal is presented) Kellogg's Apple Jacks cereal is part of a complete breakfast.

Girl 2: I don't know what she (Girl 3) sees in him.

Kids: We eat what we like. (All pose for the picture.)

Popples
(TV static transition to:  Popples  commercial)

Background singer: ♫ Pop, pop, pop your basketball Popple. ♫

Chorus: ♫ Who's got the ball? ♫

NC (vo): How about Popples? That was a clever idea. It was a series of sports balls that would turn into cuddly creatures.

Kid #1: I got a Popple!

Background singer: ♫ Pop your basketball Popple! ♫

Chorus: Who's got the ball?

Kid #2: I got a Popple!

NC (vo): This raises a few questions, though, like why where they playing with a furry pillow-like ball to begin with?

NC: (to somebody offscreen) Hey, you got our basketball? (pretends to examine his "Popple Ball") Wow, that's a hairy fucker. It doesn't bounce in the slightest. This will do us well. (pretends to toss the "ball" aside)

NC (vo): And then of course when they go after the ball ...

Kid #1: I got a Popple!

NC: Well, shit. He's found a supernatural creature that hasn't been discovered by science yet, but where's that darn ball?

NC (vo): Also, I felt bad playing with these because I always felt like I was giving the Popples a migraine. I mean, you're kicking them around and throwing them. Doesn't that hurt? The Popples wouldn't come out like this. (Popples as their normal selves) They'd look more like this.

(Picture of Popples in first aid bandages and I.V.s attached to them)

NC (vo): But oh well. You can't fault it on still being a clever product.

Announcer: New from Mattel!

Giggles Cookies
(TV static transition to:  Giggles  cookies commercial)

(Two kids, a teen and a toddler, are eating cookies, and the toddler can't stop giggling throughout the whole commercial.)

NC (vo): OK. I don't know what this kid is on, but I want some.

Teen: (to the camera) This kind has cream inside. He likes Giggles funny faces. There’s fudge and vanilla cream in each one.

(The toddler is still giggling.)

NC (vo): My God, people stoned out of their minds don’t laugh this hard!

Announcer: New Giggles Cookies: Two kinds of cream on each funny face.

Teen: (to the toddler, who’s still laughing) Are you gonna eat that?

NC (vo): Turn the gas off! Turn the gas off!

Background singers: ♫ Nabisco! ♫ (The Nabisco logo appears with a “Ding!”)

Crossfire
(TV static transition to: Crossfire commercial)

Announcer: It’s some time in the future…

NC (vo): Oh, this ad was unbelievable. This is, like, one of the most fucking epic commercials ever put on television.

Announcer: The ultimate challenge: Crossfire!

NC (vo): Look at this. It’s set in an apocalyptic future where the fate of the world rests in the hands of two kids who sit at a table and throw marbles at even bigger marbles.

Background singers: ♫ Crossfire! You can count ‘em in the Crossfire! ♫

NC (vo): It’s like the world of Tron if it was run by Lucas (from the movie “The Wizard”). It’s the most badass commercial ever!

Background Singers: ♫ Crossfire! You can count ‘em in the Crossfire! ♫

NC: Go, Billy! The fate of Armageddon lies in your hands!

Background Singers: ♫ Count ‘em in the Crossfire! Crossfire! Crossfire! Crossfire! ♫

(NC gets energized with anticipation as the commercial continues and one of the players wins the game.)

Announcer: Crossfire!

(NC yells skyward in victory as he is struck by blue lightning and disappears from his chair.)

Santa Claus Hotline
(TV static transition to: A  1-800 phone line  commercial featuring  Santa Claus )

Announcer: Santa has a very special Christmas message and wants everyone to hear.

NC (vo): I don’t think they do these anymore, but a long, long time ago, they used to have hotlines for everything.

Announcer: Call 1-800-909-4300; $2 for the first minute, 45 cents each additional.

NC (vo): Look at that, just $2 for the first minute and only 45 cents every additional minute. It’s pretty fucking costly for the 1980s!

Announcer: And Santa needs your help to spread the Christmas cheer. Be a Santa’s helper.

NC (vo): I always remember. You call them up and some jerkoff would talk as slowly as possible so he can make sure he eats up your time and your fucking money. What a dickcock!

Announcer: Get your parent’s permission to call Santa’s special phone number now.

NC (vo): Actually, this sort of takes on a different meaning nowadays, doesn’t it? When you make a call that costs money, there’s usually a different idea behind it, and the idea of Santa being a part of it is pretty freaking creepy.

(NC calls Santa on the phone.)

Santa: (audio on the other end of the line) Ho-ho-ho! You’ve reached Santa’s hotline! Have you been a naughty little boy? I bet you have. (chuckles) What are you wearing, naughty little boy? I have a candy cane in my pants for you.

(NC yelps and drops his phone.)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Get naked!

Fruity Pebbles
(TV static transition to: A Christmas-themed Fruity Pebbles cereal commercial)

Singers: Season’s greetings in our souls…

NC (vo): Speaking of Santa, how many of you get nostalgic whenever you see this commercial every year? It’s practically a staple of Christmas now.

Santa: (sings) Yabba-dabba-fruitylicious-do.

Barney: (sings while disguising himself as Santa before sliding down the chimney) Ho-ho-ho, I’m h-h-hungry…(slides down the chimney and then runs up to Santa) Santa? My pebbles!

Fred: (to Barney angrily) Your pebbles?

Santa: ‘Tis the season to be sharing, Fred.

Fred: (smiles) Happy holidays, pal. (shares his cereal)

Barney: Aww, Fred.

NC (vo): (as Barney) Hay, Fred, how can we celebrate Christmas if Jesus isn’t born yet?

NC (vo): (as Fred) Just eat your fucking cereal.

Nintendo Cereal System
(TV static transition to: Nintendo Cereal System commercial)

Background singers: ♫ Nin-ten-do! It’s for breakfast now! ♫

NC (vo): Get this: When Nintendo was all the rage, they actually made a Nintendo cereal. Yeah, [it] wasn’t a Mario cereal or a Zelda cereal. It was just Nintendo in general. What a weird idea. It’s kind of like making Internet: The Cereal, isn’t it?

NC: Though it would probably be the first cereal where you had to be over 18 to eat it.

NC (vo): And it wasn’t just called Nintendo Cereal. It was called the Nintendo Cereal System. What the hell does that mean? Do you really have to put the word “System” at the end? Are we really gonna confuse this Nintendo for another Nintendo?

Kid Announcer: Nintendo Cereal System is a super part of this nutritious breakfast.

NC: Ohh, you meant the Nintendo Entertainment System! I thought you meant the…Animatronic Horse That Only Eats Toothpaste and Circus Midgets. It’s very big in Sweden.

NC (vo): It was kind of cool, because it was technically two cereals in one. That means there were two bags in each box. I remember that it was kind of a pain. Once you open the bag, you can’t really close it, so if you open both of them and pour it out, you’ll get double the cereal all over the place. Maybe that’s why it didn’t last so long, because half of it was on the floor instead of in the bowl. Well, if it had Nintendo on it, you know we were gonna love it, anyway.

Background singers: ♫ Two cereals in one! Wow! ♫

Burger King Kids Meal
(TV static transition to:  Burger King Kids Meal  commercial)

Kid: (reading the dialogue on his toy cup) “Skeletor is trying to take over GreySkull!”

NC (vo): Just like today, fast food joints handed out toys with their kids meals, and sometimes you get a cup, like these He-Man ones at Burger King. They always told epic stories -- or, at least, as much as they could, being on a cup -- and here’s my favorite part of the commercial: The kids get the cups, and what do they do? Use them as swords. Man, those must be some pretty ghetto kids! I mean, was a stick really too expensive to use as a sword, so you have to use these? Were these your birthday gifts after they took you to the Dollar Store? Hardcore, kids. Hardcore.

Background singers: ♫ Drag your mom*…to Burger King now! ♫


 * (I don't know what the singers are saying at first, since the quality of the video in the commercial is quite low)

Toy Trucks
(TV static transition to: A  toy truck  commercial)

(Four boys are dressed as construction workers and playing in the sand with their toy trucks.)

Leader of the boys: (as a foreman) Come on, guys, we got work to do! Let’s move!

NC (vo): I don’t know what this kid’s problem is, but he cracks me up.

Boy Leader: Go! Move! Make!

NC (vo): Listen to him. He’s taking fun-time just a little too freaking seriously!

Boy Leader: Go! Move!

NC (vo): (laughs) Calm down, kid! You’re building sand castles and Lincoln logs! You’re not a contracted construction worker!

Boy Leader: Move!

NC (vo): Why are these kids even hanging out with him? All he’s doing is yelling at them all day! He’s like a junior Sam Kinison!

Boy Leader: Yeah!

NC: (mocks the boy) Yeah!

Boy Leader: Move!

NC: Move!

Boy Leader: Go!

NC: Go!

Boy Leader: Make!

NC: Bake! Wait, what?

Boy Leader: Come on, guys, we got work to do! Let’s move!

NC: (mocks the boy) I have to support a wife and kids working with you bozos, so let’s get it right!

Boy Leader: Be a man, can!

(Footage from the movie Back to School in which Professor Terguson yells at a woman.)

Announcer: Riggers and trucks. Power makes the cranes and hardhat. Each sold separately. Batteries not included. New from Revell.

(The Professor screams again.)

Transformers Insecticons
(TV static transition to: A  Transformers  toy commercial)

Man: What is it?

Announcer: It’s the Insecticons!

NC (vo): Hell yeah! Transformers! These were the coolest toys out there, even if they did take an hour to figure out how the fuck they worked! They were still awesome, and we loved every minute of ‘em! The coolest one of these commercials was the Insecticons, the robots that looked like insects.

NC: Why? Because, God damn it, I like to think Tom Hanks influenced something in the movie Big.

(A screenshot of Tom Hanks' character in Big holding a toy prototype and saying, “Make ‘em bugs”.)

NC (vo): Yeah, we heard his idea, we thought it was awesome! And it kicked arse to suddenly see these things around.

Background singers: ♫ Transformers! More than meets the eye! ♫

NC (vo): Something that used to be in every Transformers commercial was an awesome but kind of creepy moment when the kids would say their “Robots in disguise” line.

Background singers: ♫ Transformers! ♫

Boy: (sings with glowing green eyes in a low voice) Robots in disguise!

NC: (gets scared) Jesus!

NC (vo): I mean, it’s cool, but it’s also pretty freaky. It’s like the kid got possessed by the devil or something.

Pazuzu (from The Exorcist): (dubs over the boy) Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

Announcer: Sold separately. From Hasbro.

Connect Four
(TV static transition to: A  Connect Four  commercial)

Background singers: ♫ 1, 2, 3, 4/1, 2, 3, 4/ 1…2…3, 4/ Connect Four! ♫

NC (vo): Yeah, can’t go wrong with this game, and the song, it turns out, was pretty catchy, too. If you haven’t played this game, then you have no childhood. This game was entertaining then, and it’s still entertaining now, if you’re waiting for the dentist and they have the little toy basket.

NC: But it still counts!

Background singers: ♫ 1, 2, 3, 4/Connect Four! ♫

NC (vo): Kind of a lame joke they would do is find as many puns they can do with the word “four.”

Background singers: ♫ Connect Four! ♫

Kid #1: For real!

Kid #2: For everyone!

Kid #3: For laughs!

Chef: Fortissimo!

Kid #4: For winning!

Kid #5: Forget it!

Kid #6: Forgive me!

Knight: Forsooth!

NC (vo): Yeah, those were good, but let’s see how far we can really push it.

Kid #1: For real!

Kid #2: For everyone!

Kid #3: For laughs!

Aragorn: For Frodo!

Abraham Lincoln: Four score…

Man: Four candles.

General: (in a child’s voice) Forever.

Background singers: ♫ Connect Four! ♫

NC (vo): What else can you say about a solid game with a solid ad?

Announcer: Connect Four, from Milton Bradley.

Chia Pets
(TV static transition to: A  Chia Pets  commercial)

Off-screen Female Singer: ♫ Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia! ♫

NC (vo): (in a low voice) Behold the most boring thing in the entire freakin’ world! (normal) I was fascinated by kids who had Chia Pets. You know how they say something’s so boring, they would rather watch grass grow? Well, now they made a toy out of it! They made a toy out of watching grass grow! That’s how bored we apparently got! And just look at this incredible selection they have.

Announcer: Chia Teddy Bears! Puppies! Kittens! Rams! Bulls! There’s even a Chia tree!

NC (vo): A tree? They actually put a tree in there? It’s already a tree! It does nothing except grow! That’s all a tree does!

Off-screen Female Singer: ♫ Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia! ♫

Announcer: Chia Pets: The pottery that grows.

NC (vo): If you liked it, good for you, but don’t be surprised if you have a sudden fascination with Chia Paint Dry. And for the love of God, don’t invite your friends over to watch it. You will be pitied.

Off-screen Female Singer: ♫ Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia! ♫

NC: (imitating female singer) Ba-Ba-Ba-Bullshit!

Micro Machines
(TV static transition to:  Micro Machines  commercials)

Micro Machines Man*: (talks very quickly) This is the Micro Machine Man presenting…
 * John Moschitta Jr.

NC (vo): Oh, this guy is awesome! He started off as the Fed-Ex Man and moved onto a toy called Micro Machines, which, sadly, I don’t think exist anymore.

Micro Machines Man: (talks quickly) (your guess is as good as mine at what he actually says!) ‘Course, your mini Micro Machine vehicles plays a boast to the police station, the marine, the mini motorcycle repair shop, gas station, the construction office, work the real-working bridge highway, passing to wrapping garage doors.

NC (vo): This guy is an advertiser’s dream come true. He gets out all the information you need in seconds, literally seconds.

Micro Machines Man: (talks quickly) The dramatically in sail triply trim rebel comes with the real thing that holds 25 Micro Machines with fabulous fantastic features, two totally tripping elevators, real-working hoist, runway and cargo arms.

NC (vo): Every time he came on TV, you felt like you were doing ecstasy. Everything just seemed so fast, that everything else moved in slow-mo after he was done.

(NC sits watching as the Micro Machine Man continues to talk fast.)

Micro Machines Man: And these play-sets fit together to form a perfectly precise Micro Machine world…

Slow, Deep Voice off-screen: Billy, it’s Mother. (NC looks off-screen puzzled.) Come to dinner.

Micro Machines Man: (talks quickly) The Micro Machine Man here, carrier there. You can’t have that, but you can have this.

NC (vo): Thank God this guy doesn’t do audiobooks.

(NC listens to an audio tape with headphones on.)

Narrator: (talks very fast) “To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we-“ (NC explodes)

NC (vo): The toys were awesome, and this guy was awesome. Let’s hope they make a comeback sometime soon.

Micro Machines Man: (talks fast) Remember, if it’s not Micro Machines, it’s not the real thing.

Ecto-Cooler
(TV static transition to: Ecto-Cooler commercial)

NC (vo): Speaking of awesome, why the hell is there no more Ecto Cooler in the world? This was, like, the coolest drink ever, and, by God, it’s the only good thing that snotbubble Slimer ever produced.

Announcer: Hi-C Ecto Cooler: Slimer’s new fruit drink.

NC (vo): Speaking of which, what are we supposed to assume that stuff is? I mean, did the best thing to come out of Slimer literally come out of Slimer? Oh, my God, we could be drinking Slimer splooge! He already looks like a giant sperm. It’s like the sperm of a sperm or…

NC: (disgusted) Urgh, I don’t want to think about it!

NC (vo): Ah, screw it. Whatever it was, it was incredible, and it lasted a really long time. But at some point, they discontinued it, and by God, we were pissed off! I keep hearing they’re gonna make a new Ghostbusters movie sometime soon, and I’m telling you right now: If they do not do a crossover with Ghostbusters 3 and bring Ecto Cooler back, somebody really will be a fucking ghost.

Announcer: Ecto Cooler. You’ve been warned.

Grocery Boy: (after drinking an Ecto Cooler drink) Wow.

Wet Banana
(TV static transition to: Wet Banana commercial)

Announcer: Weird Wet Banana!

NC: Uhhhhhhhhh….(looks around uncomfortably)

Announcer: You can splish and splash on Wet Banana like Billy!

NC: Yes, be like Billy and take a ride on the Wet Banana.

Announcer: You can dip and slip like Ricky!

NC: (laughs) Yes, dipping and sliding is a very good thing to do with your Wet Banana.

Announcer: Slippery wet fun for the whole gang!

NC: A very special kinda gang, but yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed.

Announcer: Could that be Mom on Wet Banana?

(NC does a spit take at that line)

Announcer: It is!

NC: MOM!! Get off my wet banana! (pauses) What would Dad say?

Announcer: Regular Wet Banana 25 feet long, and the new Wet Banana Super Slide 30 feet long!

NC: My, MY, that’s a fucking big banana!

Announcer: Each sold separately from Koki!

NC: Caution: May hurt some women.

Fraggle Rock PSA
(TV static transition to: A PSA commercial on reading)

Fraggle Rock puppets on the TV: Down at Fraggle Rock! Down at Fraggle Rock.

(A boy turns off the TV and dances in place.)

Boy: I LOVE Fraggle Rock!

NC: Then why did you turn it off?

Mother: Chris, why don’t you read something?

Boy: But the Fraggles are really fun. (the TV turns itself on and throws a few books at him through the screen) Wow!

NC (vo): Ah, yes, the TV that actually encourages you to read. That’s something you don’t see very often.

NC (vo): (as the voice from the TV) I’m so confident, you won’t stop watching me, that I’m giving you books! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can’t rid your addiction of me! I won’t die until the Internet’s invented! I got 10 more years, suckers! (laughs evilly)

Magic Potty Baby
(TV static transition to: Magic Potty Baby commercial)

Off-screen Girl Singer: Magic Potty Baby…

NC (vo): Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you’re ahead, commercial! You might be able to sell it if you stop now!

Off-screen Girl Singer: Help you with your training pants, you make me so proud.

(The baby starts peeing in the toy potty.)

NC (vo): D’OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH! NASTY! I MEAN, D’OHHHHH! OHHHHHH!

Female Announcer: It’s fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty.

NC (vo): NO, IT’S NOT! IT’S FUCKING GROSS!

NC: God, and they say boys can be disgusting! Ew!

Off-screen Girl Singer: Magic Potty Baby, I’m so glad… (A girl kisses the baby doll on the cheek.)

NC (vo): Don’t kiss it, you don’t know where it’s been!

Female Announcer: Magic Potty Baby and her magic potty. No water, no mess.

NC (vo): Just pray they don’t have to go Number 2.

(TV static)

NC: There! I spent all my time watching no nostalgic movies and nostalgic TV shows. Just commercials! Nothing but commercials! (pauses to reflect on the whole special) Oh, my God, that’s even more pathetic! I-I spent my time on this shit that people skip? What the hell’s wrong with me?! Gah, this isn’t life, it’s make-believe! I’m pathetic! I’m not a man! (holds his head and starts to sob) I’m not a man! (looks down and picks up a school photo of himself as a kid while "Sad Romance" by Thao Nguyen Xanh plays) Look at yourself. You had such dreams ahead of you, such promise. You were perfect back then. Ok, you had birth-control glasses, teeth like a chipmunk and a Dumb and Dumber haircut that got dumb and dumber, but you had such hope. (puts the photo down and sighs) There’s nothing left for me anymore. I am a loser. You were right, director of My Pet Monster! I’m a loser; a weak, pathetic loser.

(NC falls forward in his chair and drops the photo, holding this pose for several seconds)

NC: (sings a la Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas)

But I never intended this bullshit. Never! /And nobody really understood. Well, how could they? /That all I ever wanted was to bring them something great! Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?

Well…what the heck? (stands on his chair triumphantly) I went and did my best, And by God, I really tasted something swell! For a moment, why, I made directors cry! (jumps onto the floor) And at least I told them they can go to hell, I did!

And for the first time since, (drinks a glass of water for a bit while the singing continues) I don’t remember when I felt like I was my critical self again. And I, Nostalgia Critic! (tears his current clothes off to reveal his normal getup)/That’s right, I AM the Nostalgia Critic! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

(Zero spins in a vertical circle with joy.)

And I just can’t wait until my next review, ‘Cause I got some new ideas that I really want to do! And my God, I’m gonna give it all my might! Uh-oh. (looks to see Zero holding Santa Claus’ hat) I hope there’s still time to set things right. (gasps) Sandy Claws!

(NC walks off-screen for a moment, but then comes back.)

NC: Sandy Claws? I don’t wanna save Sandy Claws, I wanna do another review! (to the camera) I dunno. Jesus, what do you think?

Jesus: Let him rot.

NC: OK. (walks off-screen to sit at his desk) Well, folks, I’m back! I may be pathetic, but I’m proud. So, welcome back to the traditional Nostalgia Critic, where everything is back to normal.

Oogie-Boogie: (speaks off-screen while turning a crank to dump Sally and Santa Claus into a boiling vat of lava) Bye-bye, Sandman! (Santa and Sally slide down, and a plop is heard.)

NC: Oh, except…Christmas…may be gone forever. Bye! (waves and stands up to walk off-screen)

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline-

Announcer: Could that be Mom on Wet Banana?