Zombieland

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

First of all, I am now required to tell you that there are, um… spoiler alerts.

…Spoilers?! Where?! I hate those people! With their big armor, long swords, and fighting all those wind mills!

Oh wait, that’s a Spaniard.

Anyway, there’s this place called Zombieland where everyone is a zombie!

I was a zombie once! I was part of the Oprah book club. And the only survivor is this boy, Woody Haralson dressed up like Crocodile Dundee, this really hot chick, and Little Miss Sunshine!

That’s right! Little Miss Sunshine is in a zombie movie!

It is about freaking time!

I always said the Olsen Twins should be in a zombie movie! Or was it a vampire movie? Either way, they suck the life out of everybody who watches them!

But I digress.

So our four (holds up three fingers) main characters are trying to run away from the evil zombies!

Why?

Because these zombies are actually fast!

Why are zombies always so slow in other movies?

The people are always like, “Run! A zombie!” (He runs off screen.)

(After a long pause, he re-enters from the other side of the screen acting like a zombie and moving slow.)

But the zombies in this movie are like freaking road runners!

Road runners that eat your brains!

And all four (he holds up two fingers) of our characters have their own specific goals.

Like the boy wants to see his family, the hot chick wants to take Little Miss Sunshine to an amusement park, and Woody Haralson just wants a Twinkie!

His entire quest throughout the whole movie is just looking for a Twinkie!

I devoted my life looking for a Twinkie once!

(solemn) He was my best friend.

So anyway, on the way to the amusement park, they drop by a celebrities house!

Now, I won’t ruin which celebrity it is. For now, let’s just call him Mr. X.

So Bill Murray finds out that all these people are sleeping in his house!

And it turns out he survived the zombie attack because he dressed up like a zombie!

And Bill Murray’s like (acts like a zombie).

(He screams like a woman.)

“Just kidding. I’m not a zombie.”

“Hahaha, that’s funny. Go show the other kids.”

“Alright.”

(He acts like a zombie and gets shot.) “Garfield sucked.” (He falls.)

Bill Murray!

(sobbing) They say he was lost in translation. But he was truly lost in Zombieland!

Anyway…

They make it all the way to the theme park!

And the girls are like…

“Let’s turn on all the lights and all the rides and all the noisy things in this theme park. The zombies will NEVER notice us here!”

I wonder who’s truly the brainless people here.

So, the zombies try to attack the amusementa park!

And we get this thrilling action scene while also enjoying some rides!

(Fires a gun in multiple directions.)

(Acts like he’s on a roller coaster.)

(Fires a gun in multiple directions.)

(Acts like he’s on a roller coaster.)

So they defeat all the evil zombies!

And at the end they’re finally like…

“Now what?” “I don’t know. We’re… still in Zombieland.”

“Oh yeah. That… That sucks.”

THE END!

So as you can tell, this is a really good movie!

It’s just like Little Miss Sunshine meets Shaun of the Dead.

More movies need to be mixed with Shaun of the Dead!

Like Shaun of the Dead mixed with Dream Girls!

Oh wait, that was called Glitter.

This is Chester A. Bum saying…

CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, come on, help a guy out, will ya? Come on! Change!

You can help me mix Shaun of the Dead with the Wizard of Oz!

The Wizard of Oh My God, a Zombie Ate Toto!