Like a G6

(Todd plays "Like a G6" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: FAR*EAST MOVEMENT - "LIKE A G6" A pop song review)

Todd: Hello, everyone. I want to talk to you today about race in America.

Images of the cast of All-American Girl, the Taiwanese American Students Association at Columbia University, and Jackie Chan

Todd (VO): Specifically, I wanna talk about the shameful lack of representation in the media for Asian-Americans, who have long been neglected in popular culture. Every major Asian film star comes from Asia...

Todd: and as far as popular music goes, Orientals are entirely invisible. The only ones I can think of off the top of my head in 50 years of music history are [images of] Yoko Ono, James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins, [video of "Sukiyaki"] and Kyu Sakamoto, who had a #1 hit in 1963 with a song performed entirely in Japanese. Look it up. Now, as an Asian-American myself— [long pause] well, as far as you know, I am anyway—I have long lamented the way popular music has completely ignored Orientals. Well fortunately, things are starting to change. As I record this, the #1 song in the country is by a group known as the Far*East Movement...

Images of the group and the single cover of "Like a G6"

Todd (VO): ...a new group of artists consisting of four young men of Korean, Chinese, Japanese and Filipino backgrounds. After working for years with minor success, they finally broke through this year with their most recent single, "Like a G6." And they fine young men are not just breaking the color barrier, they are smashing stereotypes as well. For years, Asians have been unfairly dismissed and marginalized as [image of Asian-American whiz kids] intelligent, [dignified old Asian man] respectable, [Asian violinist] good at music. The Far*East Movement will not be pigeonholed by your thoughtless preconceptions.

Video for "Like a G6" Far*East Movement: Popping bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzered Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6

Todd shudders

Todd (VO): If that just didn't just make your hair on the back of your neck stand up in revulsion...I don't know, maybe we just don't share any of the same genetic material.

Todd: Here's basically my one criterion for good party music—if I can focus on how much fun the people on the song are having, it's a good song; and ultimately, that's why I would give last week's song, [Video for...] "Club Can't Handle Me," a barely passing grade. But if all I can focus on is...

Todd (VO): ...the disgusting vapitude of the people in the song, such as here, then it fails. And as you can tell by the repellingly airheaded giggling and utter misuse of hip-hop slang, this song is also evidence that we are now entering the [Video of "Tik Tok"] post-Ke$ha era of music. Not only is she not going away, get ready, everyone, for a legion of imitators.

Todd puts out a sword and "commits" hare-kiri

Todd (VO): Now if you have led a decent, defensible life, that whole chorus should have been completely incomprehensible to you, so I will do my best to give you the annotated version of some of the more difficult passages.

Far*East Movement: Popping bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzered

Todd (VO): Yeah, I had to look that one up.

Todd: Slizzered means drunk. That's all it means, you could probably guess that. As a fun fact though, the word "slizzered" is also the exact combination of vowels and consonants to completely piss me off! Like, I know some people [image of Good Culture article entitled "Why Do We Hate The Word 'Moist'?"] completely hate the word "moist" for some reason, just for how it sounds. And that's the same thing for me and "slizzered." I mean, that's just a word that no one should use, including me, and I'm black. (As far as YOU know.)

Far*East Movement: When we drink we do it right gettin slizzered Sippin sizzurp in my ride

Todd (VO): Now sizzurp?

Todd: I actually did already know what sizzurp is.

Clip from The Simpsons  Homer: Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

Todd: Yeah. Cough syrup. Yeah, I bet you thought "bottles in the ice", I bet you thought that meant [image of chilled wine] bottles of Cristal or pink champagne or something fancy. Nope, [image of chilled...] cough syrup. I have no idea how cough syrup got so popular among the pop music world. I mean, I've gone to a few parties in my day, I've seen people ingest some pretty foul stuff to get a buzz, but seriously, cough syrup?

Todd (VO): That's one step above drinking bottles of aftershave behind a Dumpster, sucking the aerosol out of cans of whipped cream. [USA Today page on youths abusing it] It's also apparently a nice way to accidentally overdose, so you got that too!

Todd: Remember, kids, please sip your sizzurp responsibly.

Far*East Movement: Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6

Todd (VO): But let's get to the thing you all are wondering—what the hell's a G6?

Todd: It's the name of a jet, all right? You get it? He's fly, fly like a jet, jets fly, [fake laugh], it's sort of like an actual pun if you squint at it sideways. Far*East Movement are trying to emulate the dazzling wit of [clip from Back to the Future] Biff Tannen apparently.

Biff: Why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here?

Todd (VO): And you know, for some reason, that's yet another thing that's become a popular hip-hop cliche, the G6. I hear it all the time, I'm seriously already sick of rappers bragging about their G6s.

Video for Drake - "Forever" Drake: I know G4 pilots on a first name basis.

Todd (VO): No, wait, that was a G4.

Video for Jesse McCartney - "Leavin'" Jesse: No more them gray skies Girl we flying on a G5, G5

Todd (VO): That's a G5...

Todd: Okay, no, I've never heard anyone use the word G6, except in games of Battleship. Is it just another jet? [Sigh] I'm sorry, I have to go Google this again. [Get up and goes to computer, which has a collage of Obscurus Lupa as wallpaper] Google image search... [Search comes up with...] Cars? [Reads page] "A G6 is not a Gatorade flavor. It's not a car, convertible, four-door. It's not a watch. But Drake, Drake talks about having G4 pilots on deck, so we said, 'What's flyer than a G4?' Of course, it would be a G6." [Types again and finds a Fortune page asking "Fly Like a G6?"] "The only problem with all the enthusiasm? The G6 does not exist." [Storms back and picks up the chair as if about to hit the piano with it, but sets it down and sits] A G6 is not a thing.

Todd (VO): It's a stupid, made-up thing from a bunch of baby-talk-speaking pinheads. You know what? Why do they get to decide what it means?

Todd: Why don't I get to decide. G6 means...eating your own snot. (Gross x 6!) Why not? It can mean anything you want it to because it's not real!

Todd (VO): Yeah, so this jet they get onto at the end of the video? Yeah, not a G6 because, as stated, a G6 does not even...

Todd: Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up!

Todd (VO): 7:30 the next morning?

Todd: If you know how to throw a decent party, you should not be awake at 7:30 the next morning! If you could throw a decent slumber party, you shouldn't be awake and dressed at 7:30 the next morning. You poseurs! [Image for Far*East Movement with "POSERS" stamped over them]

Todd (VO): Now the music? Eh...the beat's not really my thing, but if you're into this kind of dark, glassy-eyed ultraclash of stuff, I...kind of see why. I mean, the beat's not bad if that's your thing—it's not my thing. If it does it for you, I won't complain, but...it's just the people on it. How could you stand being around them? Shouldn't party music be made by people you wanna party with?

Todd: And furthermore, doesn't the glossy, coke-and-champagne vibe of this song get destroyed...

Todd (VO): ...when you have some dumb college chick start blathering about sizzurp?! I thought the same thing about the [Video for...] Gwen Stefani song, "Luxurious", which was supposedly this elegant, lavish song about wealth and opulence and high class, and then it's shut down right in the middle for this.

Gwen Stefani: Cha-chaaaaaaang, Cha-chaaaaaaang, Cha-chaaaaaaang

Todd (VO): Or, for that matter, the Fergie song, "Glamorous", which gave us this.

Fergie: I still go to Taco Bell Drive through, raw as hell

Todd (VO): Listening to all these songs was like going to a really nice restaurant and getting served a big, fancy meal that comes garnished with armpit hairs!

Far*East Movement: Sippin on, sippin on sizz, Ima ma-make it fizz

Todd (VO): As annoying as the chorus is, at least being irritatingly vapid is a step above being embarrassingly lame, which is how the actual rappers in the song come off. In fact, this song seems to be taking most of its cues from the Black Eyed Peas' deplorable "Boom Boom Pow".

Far*East Movement: It's that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up

Video for "Boom Boom Pow" will.i.am: We got the beat that 808 That the boom boom in your town

Todd: Yes, "Like a G6" is basically the Ke$ha/Black Eyed Peas collaboration that the world apparently demanding. It's...it's the world we live in. I don't make these decisions.

Far*East Movement: Get them bottles popping...

Todd (VO): And so much for striking a blow for ethnic visibility. The first Asian #1 single in 47 years, and the only thing anyone's going to remember about it is the chorus, which they sample from [video for Dev - "Booty Bounce"] a random white chick. For the record, the song they sampled is called "Booty Bounce" and yeah, it's...it's about as good as anything you'd expect something called "Booty Bounce" to be. But it's still more memorable than the verses of "Like a G6".

Todd: I guarantee you, no matter how many times you hear this song, you'll only remember one line from the verses because they repeat it over and over again.

Far*East Movement: When sober girls around me, they be acting like they drunk They be acting like they drunk, acting-acting like they drunk

Todd (VO): Now this is a revelation.

Todd: Think about what they're saying. I've long suspected it, but here is the first time I've heard a pop singer say out loud that being around them actually causes you to become stupider.

Todd (VO): That's the horrific influence of this song—it reproduces the effect of alcohol by actively destroying your brain cells.

Todd: Although I guess you can give them credit for their positive message. Don't drink, youth of America. The Far*East Movement want to remind you that you don't need alcohol. You can be an obnoxious party skank without it.

Far*East Movement: Drink it up, drink-drink it up

Todd (VO): Although it does help.

Far*East Movement: Gimme that Mo-Moet-et Gimme that Cri-Cristal-stal Ladies love my style (spelled "stall")

Todd (VO): "Stall". He said, "stall". If he wants that word to rhyme with "Cristal", then the word "stall" is clearly what he was going for.

Todd: Now me, I usually get a table, but, you know what, if you guys wanna party in the bathroom, go for it.

Far*East Movement: Ladies love my style [Toilet flushes]

Todd: Explains why there's always a line.

Far*East Movement: It's that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up

Todd (VO): Okay, am I the only one who thinks this voice telling me to put my hands up is one of the Mooninites from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Clip from Aqua Teen Hunger Force  Err: Nerds get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks

Todd: 'Cause that's what I'm hearing.

Far*East Movement: [against clips of Mooninites on Aqua Teen] It's that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up

Far*East Movement: Sippin on, sippin on sizz, Ima ma-make it fizz Girl I keep it gangsta, Popping bottles at the crib

Todd (VO): Um...no.

Todd: Yeah, someone's remembered when the word "gangsta" actually meant something, couldn't be called by some dumbass AZN kid. See, when I think about "keeping it gangsta", I'm thinking of something more along the lines of this.

Video for Dr. Dre - "Let Me Ride" Dr. Dre: Creepin' down the back street on D's I got my glock cocked cuz niggaz want these Now soon as I said it, seems I got sweated <br) By some nigga with a tech 9 tryin' to take mine

Todd: Not just "popping bottles at the crib". What, opening bottles of alcohol in your house? Like this? [Picks up a bottle of liquor, opens it, and raises his hand as a rap comes on] (STRAIGHT UP THUGGIN)

Far*East Movement: This is how we live, every single night Take that bottle to the head, and let me see you fly

Todd: "Take a bottle to the head"? ''[Looks at bottle in hand. Clip from Road House (I think, please edit if not) plays with man getting hit in head with a bottle]'' No. No, I'm not doing that. I am not having any bottles broken over anyone's head in this room. Not after the DL incident. I'll tell you about it sometime. So much blood.

Far*East Movement: Sober girls around me, they be acting like they drunk They be acting like they drunk, acting-acting like they drunk (Each "acting" is spelled "ackin'")

Clip from Mars Attacks!, with aliens saying, "Ack-ack-ack..."

Todd: No...yeah, yeah, I kinda hate this song.

Todd (VO): The rapping is lame, the lyrics are repetitive, I don't like that the chorus keeps repeating and never builds to anything, and it just wears out its welcome very quickly. This is a song meant entirely for sorority girls to grind to at college parties for their Facebook photos. Now, I don't do any of those things, so for me, this song is just a horrible, incomprehensible mess.

Todd: The one thing I haven't been able to figure out is this.

Far*East Movement: Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Todd: "Three 6", "like Three 6"? What the hell does that mean? [3 and 6 on opposite ends] 36? ['36] 1936, [Depression-era photo] the Great Depression is raging, [Nazi rally] Nazis are into power? Party on, Wayne. I...I...I just don't get it. 36...[3 x 6] 3 times 6, [666] three sixes. [Realizing] The devil!

Todd (VO): Of course! It all makes sense now! That's why sober girls around them be actin' like they drunk!

Todd: It's satanic mind control!

Todd (VO): This song isn't just stupid. It's actively brainwashing the masses in service of the Dark Lord! Soon we will succumb to Beelzebub's influence...

Todd: ...and it's channeled through the subliminal messages of this song! [Long pause] No. No, that's stupid.

Todd (VO): What am I thinking? This isn't satanic, it's just brain-rotting and annoying.

Todd: I don't really have any reason to believe that there's anything about this that's actually reminiscent of Satan being involved in th... ''[Brief clip with demonic voice. Todd shudders]'' What the hell was that?!

Far*East Movement: It's that 808 bump, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up [Demonic voice again, with image of Satan]

Todd: Satan! Satan! Satan! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it all along!

Video plays with "Carmina Burana" in the background, into montage of videos of reviews past

Todd (VO): Bad pop music! All this bad pop music! I knew it! It's the work of the devil! Corrupting our minds! Destroying the world! He's coming! Coming for you and your SOULS!!! Repent!

Todd: [holding up book] Swear on the good book, [The book is Johnny Cash's autobiography] and you may yet be saved!!!

Todd (VO): [as montage resume] Repent now or perish in the fourth circle of Hell...

Todd: ...where "Like a G6" plays for eternity.

Far*East Movement: ...fly like a G6

Todd: [crossing his chest] May God have mercy on us all.

Far*East Movement: ...fly like a G6

Closing tag song: Iron Maiden - "The Number of the Beast"