Evangelion: Death and Rebirth

(The opening intro plays before cutting to Sage in his room, pulling at his face in discomfort at the subject of the video in question. Going on for a while before he finally relents)

Sage: (Sighs) Evangelion

(It then cuts to a rapidly put together montage of various clips and sound-bites from the show, set to "Ode to Joy" by Beethoven in the background)

Sage: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuccccck.

Sage (VO): There's a certain....inevitability to Evangelion. You could begin an innocent conversation about watching Sailor Moon as a kid and it will somehow devolve into the first time you saw Evangelion. All anime roads lead to Evangelion. So unavoidable is the series that Toonami basically strong-armed themselves into showing it during Giant Robot Week.

Sage: You can't JUST talk about Evangelion and certainly not if you're an internet asshole who has thousands of pedantically scrutinizing every syllable uttered. Hence my apprehension.

Sage (VO): I am going to shoot this elephant in the room right now: I don't like Evangelion, I make no secret of it. However, I can recognize it's important to the culture. Hell if the franchise was flawless, it wouldn't be nearly as talked about as it was and still is.

Sage: At the end of the day, Anime Abandon is....a museum of anime's past. And I'm the weary curator here to play tour guide. Sometimes a museum houses fine art. And sometimes someone takes a picture of a turd and puts it in a nice frame.

Sage (VO): If you manage to escape the gravitational pull of Hideki Anno's psychosis so far, allow me to be the poor motherfucker who drags you in. Evangelion started as...well a monster of the day show back in 1995. And through a director's crumbling mental state, irresponsible budgetary splurging, and WAY too much fan involvement (not limited to death threats over the course of the show), transformed itself into a near shapeless blob of navel-gazing pretension and existentialism.

Sage: That might be the most high-brow paragraph I've ever written. Can't have that continuing can we, floppy donkey dicks?

Sage (VO): So monumentally out of control was the budget for the series that the last two episodes were literally nothing but the characters of the show sitting on a folding chair, talking shit about themselves. Until through a contrived series of half thought-out statements, the main character Shinji says he is him.

Shinji: I want to be myself. I want to continue existing in this world. My life is worth living here.

(The room fades away and cuts to the infamous part of the ending where Shinji and all the characters are standing on a coral backdrop and applauding him for his "breakthrough")

Misato: Congratulations!

Asuka: Congratulations!

Rei: Congratulations.

Ritsuko: Congratulations!

Ryoji: Congratulations.

(It then cuts to the infamous ending screen to the Ghostbuster's NES game. An apt visual for the ending to the series as a whole)

Sage: So, clearly this shit needs to be remade!

Sage (VO): And so it was. Again, and then again. Honestly, I can not be bothered to keep track of Anno salvaging the remains of his diseased grey matter. There are fewer versions of fucking Blade Runner. And this (technically speaking) is what Death and Rebirth is: an hour long recap (Or retread as I would put it) of the first 24 episodes of the series that leads up to the End of Evangelion. But before we could slay that dragon, we have to catch everyone up with Death and Rebirth.

Sage: So prepare yourselves for the longest, most drawn out "previously on" segment in the history of ever.

Sage (VO): Death and Rebirth is split into segments that technically follow the chronology of the series, but its framed so that it focuses on the characters one at a time. All the characters are appropriately summarized, though some are more bluntly put than others.

Misato: Let me introduce you. Shinji, this is the designated pilot of Eva Unit 02. The second child, Asuka Langley Soryu.

Recap: She's arrogant. Egotistical. Conceited. Freaky. Self-absorbed. Twisted. Cold-hearted. Schizophrenic. Saccharine. Unsympathetic. Self-centered. Totally absurd. And just plain annoying.

Sage: So....Cunt, basically.

Sage (VO): Because they're trying to cram a season's worth of stories into an hour, Death and Rebirth doesn't really have a coherent narrative. Just enough scenes to establish important character moments and setting details. It's basically the Cliff Notes version of the show.

Sage: Though it's impressive that they were able to cram so much densely packed narrative into one hour. I can probably do them one better. I could summarize the entirety of Neon Genesis Evangelion, in one sentence. Shinji Ikari is fucking obnoxious.

Shinji: I'm the one who deserved to be hit, not you! I'm a coward! I'm dishonest! I'm sneaky! And a wimp.

Misato: Shinji, you mustn't run away. You must confront your father, and you must confront yourself

(Back to Sage with a rather obvious sour-puss look on his face)

Sage: Ladies and gentleman: (Holds his hand out) Shinji Ikari.

Sage (VO): I'm pretty sure that everyone has heard about the self-pitying emo that is Shinji. Hell people have been driven away from seeing NGE, because of Shinji alone. His presence cannot be ignored, and his constant, introspective put-downs are nothing short of groan-inducing tedium. Even when other characters tell him to snap out of it and grow up, he's still unbearably self-absorbed.

Misato: So you won't pilot it?

Shinji: It seems a bit unrealistic for you to force everything on her. Don't worry: I'll pilot it.

Misato: But you don't want to do it.

Shinji: Of course not. It's not something that comes to me naturally. But Ayanami and you and Ms. Ritsuko-

Misato: Stow that line of crap! This has nothing to do with any of us! If you don't like it, get out of here! Just forget all about EVA and us, and go back where you came from. We don't need someone with that attitude piloting.

Sage: Here's the thing though: We're not supposed to like Shinji.

Sage (VO): He's whiny, selfish, and acts like....well an angst-ridden teenager. And given what has happened to him and what is constantly asked of him it's not hard to see why he acts the way he does. His father is distant and seems to care more about the soft-spoken Rei than him. All the while, he's risking his own life to destroy the monstrous angels that threaten the world. He's basically being forced to grow up at the worst possible situation. To the anime's credit: it never asks the audience to like Shinji per se, rather it wants us to understand why he is the way he is.

Sage: He is a reluctant hero, and being that means he has less than desirable traits. On paper: this kind of characterization would have been fine if the plot was about Shinji's coming-of-age. But it's not really.

Sage (VO): Yes there are elements of Shinji facing adversity in both his absent father and his own emotions, but when it's painted against the near apocalyptic setting of the story at large, this inner conflict seems kind of moot.

Sage: Yeah Shinji, I know you're dad was an asshole and I know you miss your dead mom and I know you feel like no one likes you but-

Sage (VO): HOLY SHIT, GIANT ANGELS ATTACKING TOKYO!! GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, GET THE LEAD OUT, AND KILL THIS THING BEFORE IT REDUCES EVERYTHING TO ASH!!!

Sage: See where the problem with Shinji comes in? The overall plot takes a backseat to his rambling diatribes when by all accounts: it really shouldn't. It's his own personal psychosis. (Leans forward and cups his hands around his mouth) AGAINST THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!

Sage (VO): And again, this ties into the theme of him being an unlikely hero, but that's not an excuse. The thing about unlikely heroes is that they're typically more relatable and down-to-earth than their classic counterparts. (Shows clips of Superman Returns and Spider-Man 2) It's the typical comparison of Superman versus Spider-Man. One's a near mighty god that fights to protect the planet out of the goodness of his own heart. While the other is a wannabe photojournalist that lucked into his own powers, and fight's mostly out of guilt for not using them. They're both further characterized through what opposes them. Spider-Man's conflicts are typically more personal, his adversaries are more about going after him in particular or after his immediate family. Whereas Superman is in constant conflict with planetary threats, again, generally speaking. Both types of conflicts are equally appropriate considering each character's background, and how they're framed. But when you try to interchange the conflict with the character, you're not going to get anywhere. This is the main reason why Superman Returns failed as hard as it did. He's a god amongst men, therefore completely unrelatable. Why should we care about him feeling lonely when there's much more pressing matters going on? Same thing goes for Shinji: his daddy issues and abandonment complex maybe at the forefront of his mind. But considering what else is going on, it's small potatoes and it only comes off as self-indulgent.

Sage: Bottom line? (Cups his hands again)GET OVER IT SHINJI!

Sage (VO): Not that Shinji is the only annoying character in the show or even the most annoying. No: that distinction belongs to Asuka.

Sage: I believe we've already been introduced.

Asuka: Scheisse! Well so much for synchronization! I could never sink down to the level of this animated turnip! If you ask me, the whole idea is impossible!

(Back to Sage with a deadpan look on his face)

Sage: (waving towards the camera) Hi Asuka.

(Fade out into commercial break.)