The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

(After the opening, we see the outside of Nostalgia Critic's studio. Suddenly, a familiar voice is heard inside, crying in despair)

NC (off-screen): Rocky and Bullwinkle! (Cut to the front door) Rocky and Bullwinkle! I confess! I killed you!

(Cut to the inside of the studio. Malcolm and Tamara appear)

Tamara: Critic?

(It's revealed that NC is inside the closet)

NC: I killed anyone's interest in seeing you!

(Malcolm knocks on the door)

Tamara: Critic, are you okay?

Malcolm: Yeah, what about target practice at Raja Gosnell's house? (Takes out the handgun)

(NC moans)

Tamara: Now, Critic, if you don't open the door, we're gonna drink all the Ecto-Cooler and leave nothing for you.

Malcolm: (whispering) I thought we were gonna do that anyway.

Tamara: (whispering) No, he doesn't know that.

(NC lets out a gut-wrenching scream. A thud is heard. Malcolm and Tamara rush into the closet and see NC holding a gun to his head)

Malcolm: Oh, my God!

(He gives NC his handgun)

Malcolm: Mine's a nine-millimeter. Less kickback.

NC: Thank you.

Malcolm: Mmm-hmm.

Tamara: Malcolm!

Malcolm: Oh!

(He knocks him out. Cut to Father Venkman from the Ghostbusters (2016) review, played by Walter Banasiak, coming in while the organ music plays)

Tamara: Oh, thank God! He was saying the strangest things about a movie that everyone hates. Clearly, his soul has been twisted by the Devil.

Walter: Do not worry. If there is one thing I know, it's how to force the universe's opinion with shame! (Note: I may have gotten that one wrong) It's such good to know that he is such good friends.

(They open the door, revealing NC covered with a blanket and playing on a synthesizer. Malcolm is holding another handgun)

Malcolm: How about this? There's no chance you can misfire.

Tamara: Malcolm!

Malcolm: Oh! Sorry.

(He still gives NC the gun. Tamara sighs and leaves)

Malcolm: If you gotta do something, do it right! She'll be proud of me.

(Malcolm leaves, too. Walter comes into the closet while NC plays some notes. Walter sits down. NC stops and looks at him blankly)

NC: Leave me alone. (Continues to play)

Walter: Your friends told me you were saying some consuming things about a movie. It's okay. (NC looks at him again) All terrible movies are equally bad in the eyes of the Internet.

NC: (turns to him) Are they? Tell me, how well-trained are you in bad film adaptations?

Walter: I know a little. Bigger films, mostly.

NC: Ah! Then you must know...

(Cut to the footage of How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000))

NC (vo): ...why a Dr. Seuss character sticking his head in a woman's cleavage and having a man kiss a dog's ass...

NC: ...doesn't work.

Walter: I can't say that I do. Isn't that the beloved adaptation of The Grinch?

NC: Oh, Christ. All right, well... Surely you must know why the Mad Hatter break-dancing...

(Clips from Alice in Wonderland (2010) are shown)

NC (vo): ...and applying rules and logic to an illogical world that (Cut to the movie's title crossed out and the words "Grown Up Alice Returns to Underland" written) can't even represent the title right...

NC: ...doesn't work.

Walter: I regret it is not too familiar. It does sound like that smash hit Alice in Wonderland, though!

NC: DAH!!

(He hits the synthesizer's keys in anger. After a moment, he calms himself down)

NC: Here. What about this one? An animated moose and squirrel try to save the world from a vil--

Walter: A villain with a lame accent? They make all sorts of forced puns with stupid slapstick and no story? Yes, I know that! I'm sorry, I had no idea you despise that film as much as everyone else!

NC: I didn't. That was Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Walter: The film you accuse yourself of killing?

NC: You heard that?

Walter: For God's sake, my son! If you have something to confess, do it now.

NC: They were... my icons.

(Clips from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show are playing)

NC (vo): Rocky and Bullwinkle. The popular TV show that ran from 1959 to 1964. While kids could enjoy the adventures of a cynical squirrel and a brain-dead moose escaping the clutches of Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader, adults enjoyed a ton of in-jokes and smart writing that would usually go over most children's heads. It was one of the first animated TV shows where the focus was more on the humor for grown-ups and less on exciting stories for kids. Resulting in some brilliant puns...

Natasha: You went to college? Penn State?

Boris: State pen.

NC (vo): ...and not-so-brilliant puns.

Rocky: (holding a letter) It's from Washington!

Bullwinkle: Washington? Suppose you heard I was a Lincoln fan?

NC (vo): There was no doubt: it was corny, but still clever. It showed caring little about the scenario could actually be funny itself if you used it with the right kind of comedy.

NC: But... (Sighs) Nevertheless, when the movie was advertised years later, people shuttered in disgust.

(Footage of trailers for The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle plays)

NC (vo): These were clearly some of the worst trailers ever released since... any of the trailers in 2016.

(Posters for Ghostbusters (2016), Star Trek Beyond, Sausage Party, The Angry Birds Movie, The BFG and Independence Day: Resurgence are shown)

Bullwinkle: (wearing sunglasses and looking at the camera) Wassup? (Cut to the plane crashing and Bullwinkle coming out, dazed) I'd like to use one of my lifelines, please.

NC (vo): They were bad. Really, really bad.

(As NC is talking, we flash back to him at the computer, reading the requests to do a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie, laughing and nodding,, and then sitting on a couch and grabbing a remote)

NC (vo): As I read countless requests upon countless requests, I finally decided to watch the sack of moose droppings. As I put the DVD in to review it, I played a little game with myself. The Internet despised this movie. Critics gave it a 43% on Rotten Tomatoes. Did it show? (NC's television shows that only 19% of RT users liked it) Did even the first couple minutes represent how awful this adaptation was? I pushed "Play" on the remote and started to watch.

(The movie starts)

Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle themselves were forced to subsist on ever diminishing residual cheques from re-runs of their old show.

NC (vo): But something strange started to happen to me, something I didn't think would happen to me after all the hatred and awful advertisements, I started to laugh.

Narrator: And their plans were crushed by the fall of the Iron Curtain! (Cue actual iron wall falling on the baddies)

(NC laughs but then covers his mouth)

NC: That was Rocky and Bullwinkle! That! That clearly well written faithful adaptation being showed to me on the screen!

Narrator: While the Narrator, that's me, is forced to move in with his mother, where he was reduced to narrating the events of his own life!

NC (vo): It seemed to have the same spirit, the same humor, even kinda of a similar animation style.

NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This has to be a mistake! It must be! It better be.

Walter: I just want to clarify you tried to kill yourself over this movie?

NC: The movie continued....

NC (vo): Explaining how Rocky and Bullwinkle were trapped in re-runs and their home in the forest's been chopped down.

Bullwinkle: I'm the chairman of the Frostbite Falls Society for wildlife conversation.

Rocky: You mean wildlife conservation.

Bullwinkle: Well somebody's gotta start talking about these things!

Narrator: Even their word play had become hackneyed and cheap.

Bullwinkle: No, it was always like this!

NC (vo): Wow, they even acknowledged how forced a lot of their humor can be. I, I'm legitly confused, this seems like the typical Rocky and Bullwinkle writing, maybe even a little better because of it's awareness of how it's be proceived. I, surely something has to throw this all off.

Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader: Hello, meanies!

NC: Live action, of course!

NC (vo): Now we're going to Brendan Fraser, Brad Pitt and Robert De Niro this up!

NC: Oh, wait, this was the one he was in? Even better!

NC (vo): We see how Janeane Garofulo chooses her movie scripts.

Minnie Mogul: Too intelligent.

NC (vo): When Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader, convince her that they should make a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie.

Minnie Mogul: What is it?

Boris: This classic american cartoon from early 60s!

NC: And as you know, films based on shows from the 60s always equals cinematic success! (Poster for Wild Wild west is shown)

NC (vo): So she signs the contract, bringing them into the real world. So no we have De Niro as Fearless Leader, Jason Alexander as Boris and Rene Russo as Natasha.

Minnie Mogul: How did that happen?

Fearless Leader: We are touched to the project!

NC: Was that your excuse for Little Fockers?