The Master of Disguise

(NC Opening)

(We fade in from the intro to the NC at his desk, his head down and his hand covering his face in despair.  He says nothing for several seconds.  He slowly moves his other hand to press a button on his desk that reveals a quote over his head.)

It never ended and it was only 80 minutes - Roger Ebert

(He pushes the button again)

An awful, stillborn comedy - Entertainment Weekly

(He pushes the button again)

If it was a free cable movie, I still wouldn't have recommended it - Richard Roeper*


 * He spells it Roper.

(He pushes the button again)

The third worst comedy I have ever seen - Mike Nelson

(He looks up as if he said "Wait, what?", presses the button again that makes the Mike Nelson quote come up and cringes at it before addressing the viewers)

NC: To review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review. Because there is only so many times you can say 'That's not funny!'. And on top of that, only so much that a person like me can take. So...rather than look at this film as a comedy, I'm instead going to look at it as...cinematic suicide. A film that wants to die, and tries everything in its power to die. That way when I shove it up Dana Carvey's anal passage, I will feel no guilt whatsoever. With that said...Master of Disguise.

(The movie's intro plays)

NC (vo): I call this movie the crowning achievement of failure from production company Happy Madison. This is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that, despite someone like Sandler having many different talents, he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them. And thus, Happy Madison has wanted to help other comedians make money with no identifiable effort whatsoever, and because of this has atom bombed (posters of The Benchwarmers, The House Bunny, and Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star are shown) career after career after career.

NC: I don't know what they do! Maybe it's like one of those Harry Potter Ringwraith ripoffs that just (shows a picture of such a thing) come in and suck out all the funny out of you. And one of those often funny comedians that seem to suffer from Happy Madison's touch of death is Dana Carvey!

NC (vo): This was an SNL castmember who had a great talent for impersonation and an all around upbeat feel to him. He even had a couple of hit movies with his friend Mike Myers in Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. But his rising star was having trouble finding a solar system to call its own and a lot of his projects were starting to tank. And whatever measley speck of hope he had left was sodomized and buried when he wrote and starred in this fucking hunk of shit. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 1%. And according to what I hear, a lot of their statistics have a 1% margin of error.

NC: That bad, people! That bad! So, let's see why all of...this (all the quotes from before appear again) is warrented. This is Master of Disguise. (beat) Really? Just 1%? (The Rotten Tomatoes graphic appears with a 1% right next to it. The Critic hides his head in his hand in fear)

NC (vo): So we start off with some background text.Oh wait, this is for a Happy Madison audience. Better read it for them.

Narrator: Many centuries ago, a remarkable family began to practice the magical art of disguise.

NC: (vo) Apparently they became so good at this, that in 1979, one of them could transform into a 2002-looking Bo Derek.

(Cut to scene where the man rips off his Bo Derek costume in his car)

Fabbrizio: This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.

NC: (vo) That's James Brolin playing the father of our main character, who is born years later under the name Pistachio Disguisey. Now, you may think that name is fucking ridiculously obvious, but remember again: Happy Madison production.

NC: I'm surprised they don't spell everything out like this so that their audience doesn't get confused. (shows the scene of Pistachio's neighborhood with arrows pointing at various objects with names Building-ey, Window-ey, Clock-ey, Plant-ey, and People-ey)

Pistachio: (bad italian accent) Ah, Sophia! What an unexpected surprise, lovecake.

NC: (vo) Of course the joke is that Pistachio "is not very smart". But it's okay. They at least wrote in a boatload of charm for him- Oh wait, they did not.

Pistachio: Excuse me, young man, I couldn't help but notice that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago.

Waiter: Pistachio, why don't you do one of your funny voices and cheer the kid up?

NC: You mean he wasn't already? Oh God...Is that gonna be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie?! (Yes caption pops up on the screen) Inject me! Inject me right now! Come on, kill me! (Rachel Tietz comes in with a needle and grabs NC's unsleeved arm) I don't want to wait to die! Just- HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! (NC stops Rachel) What're you doing?!

Rachel: You said to stick you.

NC: (shocked) It was a joke, Rachel.

Rachel: Ooooh!...Okay. (fiddles with the needle)

NC: ...Were you just standing with a syringe in the corner the whole time?

Rachel: ...well, You know, eh... (quietly steps out of the room) (NC turns back to the camera, covering his arm back up with his sleeve)

NC: (vo) So he [Pistachio] does one of his many voices for the kid.

Pistachio: (as Mike Myers from "Shrek") Why don't you get away from me, Donkey? (as Eddie Murphy from "Shrek") Whatcha talking 'bout gettin' away from you? I'm makin' waffles! (smiles like a jackass)

NC: Well, to be fair, it wasn't that funny when Shrek did it either.

Pistachio: (regular voice) Oh, I see you like my dog. Well, perhaps your papa will buy you a dog!

Barney Baker: I never had a dad.

Pistachio: (mumbles to himself and then laughs while smiling)

NC (vo): So what you might have figured out early on is that Dana Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy a little backwards. It's not funny voices and faces that makes a character, it's a character that makes funny voices and faces. And this one has little to no identity outside of an over-the-top accent. Even Mario will be shouting racist at him!

Pistachio: Watch and learn, my friend.

(Cut to a photo of Super Mario)

NC (vo): (imitating Mario) Godfather's meatballs! That is offensive.

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): (regular voice) Maybe that's why he can't hold down a girlfriend for two minutes either.

Sophia: Look Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second.

NC: Oh my God, (slaps his hand on his desk) that's the movie. That's the movie right there. You summed it up in one sentence. How did you do that?

NC (vo): Something else Carvey should have picked up is that character is based on investment and it's hard to be invested in someone who clearly is not invested in anything going on around him, but instead how silly he can make his performance. Take a look at this scene and tell me if Carvey- Oh I'm sorry, the (sarcastically) incredibly fleshed out Pistachio character, (seriously) shows any signs of caring when he discovers his mother and father have been kidnapped.

Pistachio: Ransacked! (jumpcut) Everything different. Where...(jumpcut to him on his knees holding a cannoli) Please, Heavenly Father, show me a sign. I promise I will never mock you again. My family is missing and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

NC (vo): Yeah, he just seems more occupied in smiling with his mouth open. I think the music is actually trying  harder than he is! The cannoli he's holding is a better actor than him right now! I at least believe that it's a cannoli!

Pistachio: I don't know what to do. (keeps saying this as he moves his body in a dizzy style manner until he falls forward to a dissolve transition. Cut to NC)

NC: Yes, go lie down. Being unfunny can take a lot out of you.

(Cut back to the movie as a taxi cab drops off a mysterious man while Tubular Bells (aka The Exorcist theme) plays)

NC: (vo) So, they make an Exorcist joke, because-

NC: (throws his hand up as if to say "Why not?") It existed.

NC: (vo) -and he's visited by his grandfather, who says he can help him [Pistachio] get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise. Unfortunately, they don't seem able to turn him into a funny comedian.

Grandfather: When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this? (smacks Pistachio three times)

Pistachio: Yes, exactly that.

NC: (vo) (sighs) Here's another big problem -I'm sorry, I hate to pick apart every little bit- but bad comedy has to be understood if it's not to be repeated, which I'm sure this film is gonna do a lot of anyway. Slapstick is funny because of cause and effect: somewhere in the mix, somebody has to suffer. That's the nature of comedy. Now, you can delay the reaction, or have the reaction happen to somebody else, but bottom line, somebody has to be in some form of misery. Carvey, however, throughout the entire film, just smiles this dumbass smile. If he's not gonna be hurt by any pain, then show the reaction of the confused person trying to hurt him. That would be funny, because they're not getting the reaction they wanted. Or if you're playng with the audience's expectations, give a payoff or at least some understanding that that's what you're trying to do. But nope, dumbass smile, that's all we get.

Cut back to the movie

Fat man: Get me some man-sized meatballs. (Pistachio smiles said dumbass smile while the word "Meatballs" echoes) (Cut to NC)

NC: (doing dumbass smile with crossed eyes and fluttering his fingers) Dahahaha! If my mouth open makes them laugh on "Baby Geniuses", it must make them laugh here!

NC: (vo) Look, that face might entertain your one year old for an hour and a half, but asshole, you were on S.N.L.! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!

NC: I mean it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword, and nobody ever having a reaction. (beat) Okay, is this gonna be like a thing with you? (Looks behind him and sees Rachel with a sword ready to swing at him) Seriously, every time I make a joke, am I gonna have to look behind my back and make sure you're not gonna kill me?

Rachel: ...Well, you know... (shrugs and smiles awkwardly)

NC: No, I don't know! You're sending very mixed signals right now!

Rachel: ... Well, I'll just...go do the...Rachel-ey things I do. (quietly steps out of the room again)

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): So if you're wondering why the hell doesn't just Grandpa save the parents, well that's because an ancient book of Disguisey, (sarcastically) which is a pop-up book, ha-ha, (seriously) says he is not allowed.

Pistachio: If a father and mother are missing, only a son who has become the Master of Disguise can save them without any direct help from the grandfather.

NC (vo): But, of course, "direct help" doesn't include as much help as fucking humanly possible. What with him training his grandson, giving him all sorts of tools, and sharing everything he knows about disguising. But to be fair, he'll need all the help he can get as his father is being forced by Data-

(Cut back to NC)

NC: Oh wait, this is evil Data. So Lor...

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): -to use his disguises to steal priceless artifacts or else he'll kill his wife.

Devlin Bowman: (played by Brent Spiner aka Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) Become a Master of Disguise once again, and help me obtain the world's rarest treasures. ( gives an evil laugh for three seconds but is abruptly stopped by a fart sound effect, then silence. Cut back to NC holding in his laughter)

NC: (snickers) Okay, I'll give this movie one point for making me laugh at a fart joke. That's actually very hard to do. (beat) It was funny!

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): But thank God our heroes are doing more important things, like dressing Carvey up like an... Indian Steve Carell.

Pistachio: (Indian accent) The question is not who I am. The question is, who are you? I know who I am. I am Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.

(Cut to NC who is shocked)

NC: Good fuck, he's making the guy from Short Circuit look politically correct!

(Cut to clip of Short Circuit)

Ben: Hi, honey. What is for dinner?

(Cut back to movie)

Grandfather: Anyone can put on a disguise and change his voice.

(Cut to NC)

NC: That's another totally legit criticism of this movie. You know, do you need me, film? You seem to be doing well on your own.

(Cut back to movie with Pistachio getting kissed by a snake)

Pistachio: (laughing) Oh down, boy, down boy. (makes kissy faces while Grandfather laughs, cut to Pistachio holding a slice of cheese over the snake) You like the cheese? Go get the cheese, Buttercup, you know you love it.

(Cut to NC who looks rather confused)

NC: You know, here's just the notes on that scene I just took. (he reaches over to the left and grabs a laptop with a Word document that reads "KILL ME WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!", then puts it back offscreen left.) I think that about sums it up.

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): But they better hurry. For Lor is forcing Carvey's father to disguise himself as the only celebrities this movie's budget could afford (showing scenes of Fabbrizio disguised as Michael Johnson, Jessica Simpson, and Governor Jesse Ventura) tricking people into handing over priceless treasures.

Devlin: You've got serious mask head. (he continues to laugh for eight second till another fart sound comes in)

(Cut back to NC)

NC: (annoyed) You know, damn it, movie. You got me to laugh once. You got me to laugh once at a fart joke, a fucking fart joke! And now what do you do? You ruined it! You totally destroyed it! You flew too close to the sun in wings of flatulence! Shame on you!

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): So it's decided that the Master of Disguise needs an assistant, so they go ahead and put an ad out for one.

(Devo's "Whip It"" plays in background)

Candidate #1: Well I was executive secretary for Jensen and Loeb...

Grandfather: Get out! (cut to next candidate) Get out. (next candidate) What are you doing here? (jumpcut next candidate) History. (next) Wrong! Take her away.

NC (vo): And, in answer to your question, I have no idea what's wrong with any of these applicants. Yeah, I really don't know. He just tosses them all out because...(cut to NC) they think a tracking shot is funny? (cut back to movie)

Grandfather: Idiot, get out! Get out!

NC (vo): Maybe like the rest of the film, it thinks it can supply a decent comedy by...not supplying a decent comedy.

Grandfather: Fifty applicants, fifty losers.

NC (vo): But the kid he comes across earlier, turns out to have a steaming hot mother of course, (played by Jennifer Esposito) who also happens to be showing up to apply for the job.

Grandfather: Measurements.

Jennifer: What for?

Grandfather: It's for a uniform.

Jennifer: 35, 24, 34.

(Grandfather and Pistachio start snickering and giggling)

Grandfather: You said 34?

Pistachio: A little bottom. (continues giggling and makes a squeak noise and smiles)

(Cut to NC)

NC: (doing dumbass smile) Mouth open is still funny, haha.

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): So she seems smart, intelligent, and quick on her feet, she might be the perfect candidate. Except for one problem, her butt is too small. (beat) No really, that's what they consider a problem in this movie.

Grandfather: Me likey.

Pistachio: But this cat has no Mama caboose.

(They start speaking in what seems to be Italian as subtitles appear underneath them)

Grandfather: (subtitles) Should a Master of Disguise have an assistant with the "tiny butt"?

Pistachio: (subtitles) I agree. Unlike Mama, she is "tush challenged."

(Cut to NC who is jaw-struck with what he has seen)

NC: You know...has this actress gone on to do anything else? (Cut to images of "Crash", "Blue Bloods", "Rescue Me", and "The Looney Tunes Show". Cut back to NC) Okay good, so she's doing well, that's good. Um... (looks down at his desk, then to the left and to the right, then grabs a card that reads "Sympathies" and a pen) I'm going to write her an apology card anyway because, Lord knows, somebody has to apologize to her. (reads what he writes out loud) "Deepest condolences, Nostalgia Critic". (finishes it and goes and puts it offscreen to the right) There we go, I mean, I know it won't make up for it but you know, just something to ease the pain...and some chocolates, (brings out a box of chocolates offscreen) you know just something nice to send her, you know, maybe she can just look at it and say "Hey, maybe it wasn't all that bad, got chocolates". (puts chocolates back offscreen) You know just, something to uh... just something...(grabs a checkbook and a pen) and a check, you know I mean, for God's sake, I mean it's- I'm sure she got paid, but whatever she got paid (chuckles then gets serious) it wasn't enough. (reads what he's writing to himself) "Wasn't enough".

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): So they find a cigar at the scene of the crime that belongs to the "Turtle Club". So, what does he do? (dumbass voice) Dress up like a turtle of course. Now keep in mind, (cut to Master of Disguise movie poster, back of the VHS box, and a magazine article of the same costume) this is the image that appears the most in all the advertising. The Turtle guy, this is the character that they reeeally like to push. So, obviously, this is the comedic highlight of the movie. This is what they want you to remember the most.

(Cut to NC)

NC: And...how does it go?

Bouncer: Are you a member of the Turtle Club?

Pistachio: (Kermit voice) Am I not turtle-y enough for the (shrugs his shoulders so that his suit moves with him every time he says the world 'turtle') Turtle Club?

Bouncer: Is he okay?

Pistachio: He's fine. Turtle. Turtle. Turtle. (makes a trilling sound)

Jennifer: Um...do you think we can go in for a moment?

(Pistachio starts to laugh)

NC (vo): (imitating Carvey) Mouth open is still funny, haha.

(Pistachio keeps laughing like an idiot as he and Jennifer get in)

Pistachio: Turtle. Turtle? Not turtle?

Jennifer: Come on...

Pistachio: Turtle?

Jennifer: No.

Pistachio: Not turtle. (jumpcut) Turrrrtle!. Turtle turtle turtle turtle. Turtle! (makes another trilling sound as he shrugs his suit up)

(Cut to NC)

NC: And it's just that throughout the majority of the scene. Oh wait, I take that back, (cut to scene NC describes) there is one moment where he bites a guy's nose off. (Cut back to NC) So there's that, but otherwise, there's nothing going on except him shouting "Turtle".

(brief montage of him saying turtle is shown)

NC (vo): Now, movie I-(cut to NC) I wanna be serious for a moment and I just wanna ask, in all honesty, nothing ironic, no cynicism, just straightforward, man to man... What did you think was going to happen here? (Cut back to the Turtle scene) What was the mindset? (back to NC) D-d-did you really think that years later, people were going to be looking back, analyzing the (beat) the brilliance of the Turtle scene? (back to scene) How did they do it? "Turtle scene: Ungodly genius. (back to NC) So many various levels, in which it works. W-we should hold it up to the great comedic masters that come before us. (each title is shown with its' respective clip)Who's on First, Groucho in the Mirror, Lucy and the Chocolates,...Fucking Turtle." Of course, naturally. I believe I actually saw that on Turner Classic movies when they were analyzing the "Brilliant Comedic Writers" of any generation. (A photo of the logo TCM with the subtitle Best Comedic Writers", cut to Malcolm Ray in a suit and glasses, holding a pipe as a caption reads "Prof. Birmingham Dickens")

Dickens: (posh accent) Well it's not so much the misconception that one would perceive at Turtle Club to be only for reptiles, but the fact that he repeats the word "Turtle" over and over. (puts pipe in his mouth)

Off-screen Interviewer: I don't get it.

(Dickens takes pipe out of his mouth)

Dickens: No, he repeats the word "Turtle" over and over.

Interviewer: I..still don't get it.

Dickens: (annunciated) He repeats...the word..."Turtle".....over.....and over.

Interviewer: I still don't get it.

Dickens: Well fuck you, I thought it was funny.

(Cut to NC)

NC: (angry) DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

(Cut back to movie)

NC (vo): (regular voice) So they trace the cigar back to Lore's place, which, of course, means he [Pistachio] will have to don a new disguise.

Pistachio: (Cuban accent) Hoo yah! (Pistachio comes out wearing a red dress shirt, black pants, hairy chest and short black hair, looking like Tony Montana from Scarface)

NC (vo): (sighs) Some people live for my misery.

Pistachio: Say hello to my little friend. (holds up a shrunken head)

Devlin: What is that?

Pistachio: (starts speaking in gibberish 'makes a sprinkler noise with his lower lip moving)

NC (vo): Ah yes, continuing the Mike Myers tradition of being so wrapped up in how funny YOU are that you barely even look the other person in the face.

Pistachio: No maneuver!

Waiter: Chicken sautee?

Pistachio: And get a little stick stuck in my esophogus? (throws it back on the tray) Not a chance. Now, I'm going to ask you, have you got a little wiener and some tiny nuts?

Waiter: Sorry?

Pistachio: You know, I could tell just by looking at you. (holds up a mini-corn dog and a small handful of nuts) You have a little wiener ...and some tiny nuts. Oh yeah.

(Cut to NC who starts to laugh forcefully and over the top that starts to get more and more hysterical, he then gets out of his chair and leaves the room. Cut to outside where Jim Jarosz is on his cell phone when NC comes out with a baseball bat, continuing to laugh hysterically while beating him down. He then sees Prof. Birmingham Dickens)

Dickens: Oh hello.

(NC runs up to him and beats him down as well. NC then looks at the camera like a wild man and starts running towards it and beats down the cameraman. He continues to laugh hysterically as he throws the bat away and walks off screen left. The camera then pans down to the carnage NC has left. Cut back to NC's room as he calms down and sits back down in his chair)

NC: Where was I in the last two minutes?

(The Review Must Go On riff plays as the screen fades to black and the NC logo appears)

(The Review Must Go On riff plays again as the screen with the NC logo appears then fades to NC talking on the phone)

NC (talking on his cellphone): Yeah. Ah-huh. No, I understand. Alright. Alright, bye. (hangs up the phone) So... um... I might may be going away for a while after this review. Just a heads up. (beat) Back to the story.

NC (vo): They find out Carvey is an imposter so he naturally dawns another disguise. (cut to a scene where Pistachio is dressed up like Quint from Jaws and sitting in a small rowboat on a pond)