Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, and NC title sequence plays, then cut to the following message: "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR33SIV3 THR33". Then cut to NC as Sparky Sparky Boom Man and Malcolm as the Pixelator slumped over lazily on the couch, holding various snacks and alcoholic beverages in their hands; they are clearly drunk)

Voice on TV (Malcolm): Next time on Iron Fist...yeah, like you give a shit.

(Rob, who has two very obvious Band-Aids on his forehead (no doubt from where NC shot him a few days ago), stands over them, glowering)

Rob: Seriously?! (NC and Malcolm are startled awake) Are you idiots ever gonna treat your superhero personas with dignity?!

Malcolm: (drunkenly) Hey, we were gonna stop an evil alien from destroying the world.

NC: (drunkenly) Yeah, but we had a bar hopping day we were planning for months, and ain't nothin' gonna get in the way of that. (He and Malcolm both laugh, then clutch their heads, groaning in pain)

Rob: Where the hell is even Tamara?

Malcolm: Oh, we told her about our bender, but she said she had too much dignity and self-respect to indulge in our childish behavior.

Rob: Well, at least somebody had some sense.

NC: (waving dismissively) Nah, just kidding. She got blitzed on moonshine. I don't remember where we left her.

(Cut to Tamara as the Clobbererer, and it seems she passed out inside the hole of the giant donut-shaped sign of Randy's Donuts from Iron Man 2)

Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson): (offscreen) I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the donut!

(Back to the guys)

Rob: (alarmed) YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOTS! (points toward the window) THE WORLD'S ON FIRE!

NC: (singing) How about yours?

NC and Malcolm: (singing in unison) That's the way I like it, and I never get bored! (They laugh again, then again clutch their heads as they groan painfully)

Rob: (irritably) No, I mean... (He grabs NC and Malcolm by their heads, one in each hand, flings open the door and holds them out the door) THE WORLD...IS LITERALLY...ON FIRE!!!!

(Cut to a shot of a city on fire; raging flames are everywhere and buildings are crumbling)

Malcolm: We let that happen a lot.

NC: Yeah, what is this, like, the tenth Earth we've been through on this show?

Rob: (angrily pulling NC and Malcolm back inside) HOW COULD YOU TWO LET THIS HAPPEN?!

NC: You don't understand. Even though we let the world go to shit, we've been planning this bender for a while.

Malcolm: A big while.

Rob: (shaking NC and Malcolm) When are you two gonna learn that with great power comes great responsibility?!?

Malcolm: When Fox learns that with great franchises comes...effort.

Rob: (sighs) Let me guess: you two just saw–

NC: The greatest of the 20th Century Fox Fantastic Four movies...

Rob: (glances toward camera) Sadly, that's true.

NC: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Sur–

(Suddenly, he and Malcolm start to gag, then lean forward towards Rob and throw up)

Rob: (looking up and rolling his eyes) And that's the usual reaction. (NC and Malcolm keep puking) You know, I have other pockets.

(The title of the sequel is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Because 20th Century Fox loves to punish you for liking comics, they gave us a sequel that really nobody was asking for, because...well, we saw the first one. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I guess, tries to up the ante by giving us a new character, a wedding, and... that's it. Yeah, not a whole lot was added, and I guess people recognized that, as this was the last for this particular Fantastic Four series, totalling this cast franchise to just two flicks. But to its credit, (The posters for the unreleased 1994 film by Roger Corman and Fant4stic are shown) the others didn't attempt to make it that far, so I guess that's something. Does it try the least out of the movies, or does it just...appear to try the least?

NC: (gets in his chair, wearing his usual clothes) Well, as long as there's always a superhero series that does very little superheroing...

(He glances at Rob and Malcolm on the couch. Malcolm is holding the phone, chatting with Tamara)

Tamara: (via phone, drunkenly) Dude, I'm, like, on a donut.

(She and Malcolm snicker, but Rob stops them by blowing an air horn into their ears)

NC: ...we'll always be here to exploit it. Let's take a look at Fantastic Four: Rise of the Middle Finger...I mean, Silver Surfer.

(The movie starts with the brown planet exploding)

NC (vo): We open on Planet Shit, as it seems to be destroyed, and a glowing orb escapes its destruction.

(The flash of light flies out of the planet, which explodes very slowly to ominous choir)

NC: (hand on cheek) Man, DC Superman reboots are getting lazier.

(The opening credits start rolling, with the text floating in space)

NC (vo): The credits fly by so quickly, it's like someone's tossing them out of the garbage disposal...

(NC imitates picking up two credits like they're garbage and throwing them away without any interest. In the movie, the captions that show the locations are printed in a really bland font)

NC (vo): ...as even the description captions are so embarrassed to be in this movie, they barely want to stand out. This whole movie has the attitude of...

NC: "We made it. We're sorry. We're just gonna get through it as quickly as possible."

NC (vo): The beam of light flies around the Earth, messing up the world's environments.

(The flash flies above the sea in Suruga Bay, Japan. One of the sailors falls off the boat...to find he's not sinking in the water, as it doesn't move)

NC: (as a sailor) Oh, my God, he paused the movie! We're trapped here forever! AAAAAAAHHHH-

NC (vo): Blackouts, frozen water, snow in Egypt? This is the end-of-the-world shit right here, but the big story today is the much-anticipated wedding of fantastic couple Reed Richards and Susan Storm this Saturday!

NC: That is word for goddamn word what the news is reporting.

(In the airport, Reed Richards and Sue Storm (once again, played by Ioan Griffudd and Jessica Alba) are listening to the news on TV)

Female News Anchor: But the big story today, the much-anticipated wedding of fantastic couple Reed Richards and Susan Storm, this Saturday.

NC: (as a news anchor) It's also raining frogs in Detroit, but what will Susan's dress look like?

(Reed glances at the newspaper headline: "Reed Richards: Scientist or Celebrity?" about Reed focusing less on his work and more on his private life)

NC (vo): Yeah, if I had a nickel every time I saw a headline like that...

NC: "Neil deGrasse Tyson: Genuis or Famous Genius?" Whoa, I'm buying that paper!

(The crowd of fans greet the Fantastic Four in the airport)

NC (vo): As the credits continue to roll, we see our heroes at the airport sprinkling their celebrity, both figuratively and, sadly, literally.

(Ben Grimm, or the Thing (Michael Chiklis), pours some of his sand into a little girl's handkerchief)

NC (vo; as the girl): Wow! This is better than when I got Randy Quaid's dandruff! Best birthday ever! (normal) But Susan is legitimately concerned these end of the world reactions are going to ruin (speaks sarcastically) her special day.

Reed: This is gonna be the wedding you've always dreamed of. And I'm not gonna let anything get in the way of that. Not even the mysterious transformation of matter at the subatomic level.

NC: ...Aww, I guess.

Sue: That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. (They kiss)

NC (vo): The world explodes so she could have her happy moment?

NC: You know, when they sing "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You", (The image of two people melting in fire is shown) it's not scientifically sound advice!

NC (vo): It looks like the Fantastic Four have their first fantastic dilemma of fantastic proportions: the flight is overbooked!

Flight Attendant: It seems we're overbooked. We do have some seats available in coach, though.

NC: (laughs) How's the world looking again?

(Cut back to Giza with cold temperature and snow)

NC: Awesome. What are we focusing on?

(The Fantastic Four enter the airplane)

Ben: (speaks to the old man) That's my seat. Sorry.

NC: (grinning) I was born ready for this!

NC (vo): Let's see our heroes excitingly steal luggage space from unexpecting saps!

(As the old lady bends down to her luggage, Reed stretches his arm to put his suitcase in the free spot. The lady sees this and gets confused)

NC (vo): Ah, her medicines in that bag she'll have to now check, but at least you're using your powers for good. (The movie's logo and a caption pop up that NC reads in a booming, echoing voice) Fantastic Four: They're Kinda Dicks!

(They arrive home, and Reed instantly starts analyzing the worldwide anomalies in their laboratory. Sue comes to Reed)

NC (vo): The news continues to discuss all the crazy shit going on in the world. Thank God our heroes still have the focus where it needs to be!

Sue: I have a fitting in half an hour. I haven't picked out the place settings or the flowers.

(Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) enters the lab, holding a racer uniform)

Johnny: New uniforms just showed up.

Sue: There's no way we're wearing that, Johnny. (leaves)

Johnny: What do you have against capitalism?

NC: Well, nothing. But judging by that...

(The clip showing the TV broadcasting the news in Circuit City store plays out briefly)

NC (vo): ...obvious Circuit City ad and the fact that they went out of business shortly after this film came out...

NC: ...what do you have against capitalism?

NC (vo): Susan is so gung-ho about him being focused on the wedding and nothing else, that he has to actually sneak his research about saving the world without her knowing!

(Reed comes to another room to sit behind a computer and speak with Johnny)

Reed: Keep it quiet, but, uh, I've cross-referenced and analyzed the global disturbances.

NC: (as Reed) But, you know... don't let any of the other world scientists know. ("stage whispers") Susan will throw a dizzy fit!

Reed: They're caused by cosmic radiation, not unlike the kind which gave us our powers.

Johnny: That's really boring.

NC: (as Johnny) And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm really friggin' dumb.

NC (vo): But screw those world-destroying disturbances. Bachelor party, man!

(Johnny and Ben take Reed to the nightclub so he can hang out for the last time and relax)

Reed: I don't know anybody here.

Johnny: Yeah, I would've invited some of your friends, but forgot you don't have any.

NC: (as Reed) Eh, maybe if we actually saved people instead of...

NC (vo): ...stealing overhead compartments...

NC: Nah, we're awesome. (starts dancing) Let's party!

(Reed gives up and gets on the disco floor, making a wave with his stretched arms. At the same time, Ben sits at the bar next to a stoner with big curly hair)

NC (vo): While Thing tries to hang out with Bob TJ Miller Ross, we see how the Fantastic Four's incredibly high-tech research facility is heavily guarded.

(The military, led by General Hager (Andre Braugher), comes out of the limo and enters the building. They walk past the doorman, played by Kevin McNulty, and into the elevator)

Doorman: Uh, good evening, and welcome to the Baxter, uh... You can't use that ele- (The elevator doors close, so he dials a number on his phone to warn Sue)

NC: (as the doorman) Tell the Rob Reiner Lookalike Contest I'm gonna be late! (sighs) I have to do my job, I guess.

(The hologram of the receptionist (Patricia Harras) appears near the desk and greets the military)

Receptionist Hologram: Ms. Storm will be with your shortly.

Sue: Hello? (As the military turns to her, the hologram disappears)

NC (vo): Yay, you'll have no other part in this movie! A couple of hundred special effects down the tube.

NC: (pulls up clenched fists in fake triumph as the movie's title appears below) Fantastic!

Hager: We're here to see Dr. Richards.

Sue: I'm sorry, he isn't here right now. Is there anything I can help you with?

Hager: Yes. You can take me to see Dr. Richards.

NC: (as Sue) Uh, you know, I'm a doctor, too. A doctor of planning weddings, which this better not interrupt!

(At the nightclub, just as Reed grabs two girls close to him, the military and Sue approach him)

NC (vo): She finds Elasti-whore dancing with some hotties, much to her dismay.

Hager: Let's talk somewhere private.

Sue: Unless you need to do Jell-O shots off someone's stomach.

NC: (as Reed, laughs and waves off in dismissal) No, no... (stops) Can I?

(The military and the Fantastic Four enter the club's kitchen, which has no cooks)

NC (vo): Here's someplace private: a completely abandoned kitchen in the middle of a busy as hell nightclub. I mean, seriously. Who eats?!

Reed: What can I do for you?

Hager: As you may know, there've been recent unusual occurrences all over the world.

NC: (sighs in annoyance) Okay. Warning sign's a movie's gonna be bad: using the phrase "as you know".

NC (vo): It's a bad way to get out exposition, because, if the person knows, why are they saying it?

Hager: As you may know, there've been recent unusual occurrences all over the world.

Kathy Morningside: (from Miss Congeniality) As you may know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated.

Nute Gunray: (from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace) As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal.

Admiral Zhao: (from The Last Airbender, to Ozai) As you know, I conducted a raid on the Great Library, which most said didn't even exist.

NC: As you know, those movies all blow.

(Hager hands the photos of the glowing orb to Reed)

NC (vo): They say the situation's a lot worse than the public knows, which... (A quick clip of the news on TV is shown) already sounded pretty bad...and Reed can help by building a sensor to track the cause of the problem. But he can't, because...you know...

Reed: I'm afraid I can't.

Hager: What?

Reed: You see, I'm getting married this Saturday. (embraces Sue) I just don't have the time.

NC: Gotta love this guy's (Hager's) look...

NC (vo): ...like, "Idiot, you for real?!" And gotta love her (Sue's) look, like "Yeah, that's my loving idiot who dances with two strippers with his hands near their crotches a second ago!"

NC: (smiles) Forgive and forget. (Beat) That the world's gonna die.

(Reed and Sue walk outside, and Reed says he's sorry)

Sue: Besides...it was nothing compared to what I did at my bachelorette party.

NC: Oh. Trust me, we know.

(A clip from Sin City is shown, showing Nancy Callahan (played by Alba) doing her job: doing erotic dancing in a strip club)

NC: (nods) You weren't invisible that night.

(Meanwhile, the flying orb's movements around the globe bring him past Latveria, where the cosmic energy affects Victor Von Doom, freeing him from two years encased in metal. The next morning, everyone is preparing for the wedding)

NC (vo): So Dr. Doom from the last movie escapes, because, apparently, he had the same weak-ass security the Fantastic Four did, as the big day arrives that's so half-assed, they openly say their Stan Lee cameo is a Stan Lee cameo.

(The security guard (Michasha Armstrong) doesn't let an elderly man that is, who else, Stan Lee himself, to the wedding ceremony)

Guard: Name?

Stan Lee: Stan Lee.

Guard: Yeah, uh, nice try, buddy. (drives Lee away) Nice try. I'm sorry, yeah.

Stan Lee: (overlapping) No, really. I-I-I'm Stan Lee.

NC: My God. They destroyed his creation so much, they don't even recognize he's the creator.

NC (vo): But even after stopping Reed from protecting humanity for her friggin' days, she (Sue) still isn't goddamn satisfied. Bitch!

(Sue speaks with her blind friend, Alicia Masters (Kerry Washington))

Sue: No, Alicia. It just...doesn't feel right.

NC (vo; as Sue): Could it be because we haven't saved anyone we have been putting in danger ourselves, and now, by dodging our responsibilities, we're doing it again?

NC: (still as Sue) Oh, wait, no. It's the zit.

(Sue discovers a zit on her forehead and makes it disappear by her own will)

Sue: Crisis averted.

NC: (says the following caption triumphantly again...) Fantastic!

Sue: Now all I have to do is concentrate on the area continuously for the next eight hours.

(The clip from Sideways is shown, showing Jack Cole (Thomas Haden Church), not pulling his eyes away from the restaurant menu, giving a thumbs up and an awkward smile)

NC (vo): But it looks like Reed did create the sensor and was even finishing it on his wedding day. Even as they say two craters are heading to Earth, Thing is telling him to focus on more important things.

(Reed communitates with Hager via his monitor while he finishes building the sensor)

Hager: We've already gotten reports of two more craters.

Ben: (singing through his teeth) Here comes the bride...

NC: Okay, you need a world to get married in, jackasses! You are all jackasses!

(Sue comes to her brother in her wedding dress)

Johnny: You look beautiful.

Sue: Thank you.

Johnny: Dad would be proud.

(They hug)

NC: Aw. How touching. (Beat) In that...

NC (vo): ...they're physically touching each other.

NC: Outside of that, I don't feel shit.

(The wedding ceremony begins on the roof of their apartment. After Sue approaches Reed, who actually managed to get out, the wedding minister, played by Brian Posehn, begins to read the vows)

NC (vo): But don't worry. The sentimental casting of the priest will win your heart over.

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to... (They suddenly notice that the news network helicopter is flying above them)

NC: (as the minister) Wait, I didn't even get a funny line. Why'd you hire a comedian for this part? Oh, wait, let me try this. (clears throat) Marriage. Marriage bonds is the bo- Aw, screw it. I'm gonna go bomb on Big Bang Theory.