Old vs. New: Willy Wonka

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to, and welcome to another installment of Old vs. New.

The title card is shown

NC: You wanna know what I love: Tim Burton.

NC: (Voiceover) Everytime you see a new movie by this guy, you know it's always gonna be dark, strange, and goofy. That is, except when he reimages stuff. We all know what a powerhouse remake Planet of the Apes was, so I wasn't too enthusiastic when he was remaking one of my childhood favorites: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. When I saw the trailer for this movie, I REALLY thought it was gonna blow. You can't beat the original. No way, no how.

NC: But much to my surprise ... I was totally right.

Clips of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are shown

NC: (Voiceover) Not that it was the WORST film, but I just don't think it held a candle to the original. Is this just the thoughts of a stubborn curmudgeon, or is there really something there that I'm missing? Well, let's take a look back. This is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory vs. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The opening sequence features pictures of the characters from both movies, playing to the music of the Oompa Loompa songs from both movies, ending with the title card, Willy Wonka vs. Charlie.

NC: So, let's get down to the main star himself. ... That is, the main star of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory 'cause his name's in the title. Even though that movie was more about Charlie, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was ironically more about Willy Wonka, sort of a marketing mistake in my opinion. They should've thought a little harder. I ... Forget it.

Round 1 - Best Willy Wonka

Clips of both Wonkas are shown

NC: (Voiceover) These are two of my favorite actors: Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp. Everytime you see them, they're a ton of fun to watch, playing a ton of different characters, ranging from kind and innocent [meaning Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands] to psychotic and ...

Gene Wilder as Dr. Frankenstein: Ahhhh!

NC: (Voiceover) ... more psychotic. But which one is the best Wonka. Well, let's take a look at Wilder. He has the ideas and ambition of a child, but the mind and demeanor of a James Bond villain.

A picture of a James Bond poster is shown called The Candy Man, with Wilder's Wonka pasted in, and James Bond music playing in the background

NC: (Voiceover) Everytime you see him, you feel welcome, but also a little disturbed. When you look at him, you have no idea what he's thinking. You just know that he already has everything planned out.

Wilder: Two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left.

NC: (Voiceover) You can tell he has patience, but only for the people and ideas that deserve them. Everything else gets turned into a blueberry.

Wilder: Ahhhh!

NC: (Voiceover) So, yeah! He's pretty fucking demented. But he was also suave, elegant, mysterious, and when he needed to be, very kind. This gave him an edge, and lot of both children and adults to identify him and join him for the ride. Johnny Depp on the other hand...

Depp: You smell like ... old people.

NC: ...hurt me!

NC: (Voiceover) Now, don't get me wrong. I love Johnny Depp. And I'm all for reinventing what the Wonka character is like, but I have NO idea what he's doing here.

Depp: I always thought a veruca was a type of wart that you get on the bottom of your foot. Ha ha!

NC: (Voiceover) I guess the idea is that he's a lost child in a grown man's body, due to his past, but nothing about him is consistent. He sends out golden tickets to find the right child to take over his factory, but when they arrive, he seems totally uninterested in them.

'Charlie' Violet: Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauraguarde.

Depp: I don't care.

'Charlie' Augustus: Don't you want to know our names?

Depp: Can't imagine how it wouldn't matter.

NC: Maybe because they'll be running your SHIT.

NC: (Voiceover) The Gene Wilder Wonka was fun to be around. Always cracking jokes while having a diabolical edge to him. This Wonka just annoys the fuck out of me.

Wilder: Where is fancy bread, in the heart or in the head?

Depp: The best kind of prize is a sur-prize. Ha ha ha!

NC: (Voiceover) It's sorta like watching a friend act really bad in a play, but you're in such a world of awkwardness, you can't tell him.

'Charlie' Mike: Who wants a beard?

Depp: Well, beatnicks for one. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, Daddy-O. Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down. I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother.

NC: Yeah, uh, that was good! That was good!

NC: (Voiceover) Plus, why does he look like a mix between Marilyn Manson and that Russian chick from Indiana Jones 4?

Wilder: We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

Depp: Ha ha! You're really weird!

NC: (Voiceover) Johnny, I love you. But everyone has to have at least one bad performance, and unfortunately, this is yours.

NC: Point goes to the Wonka version.

Depp: That's weird!

Round 1 - Winner - Wonka

NC: But what about the supporting cast?

(UNFINISHED!!!)