Carry Out

(Todd plays "Carry Out" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: TIMBALAND ft. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - "CARRY OUT" A pop song review])

Todd: Justin Timberlake has never made it any secret about his desire to be the next Michael Jackson, and in Timbaland, he found his Quincy Jones.

Videos of "Let Me Talk to You/My Love" and "Rock Your Body"

Todd (VO): Together they have had one of the most successful collaborations of the new millennium, and the story of both men's rise to superstardom is irrevocably tied into each others. While it was his work with the Neptunes that established Justin's solo career, it was Timbaland who cemented his status as the new king of pop. [Video of Aaliyah - "Are You That Somebody"] Similarly, while Timbaland's work with Aaliyah and Missy Elliot made him an in-demand producer, it was his work with Justin that allowed him to step out of the producer chair and onto the mic.

Todd: And I think there's no better example of their work than "SexyBack"

Video of "SexyBack"

Justin: I'm bringin sexy back...

Todd: "SexyBack" wasn't a song, it was a coronation.

Todd (VO): The entire purpose of "SexyBack" was to truly and fully establish Justin's undeniable supremacy. The fact that "SexyBack" is a completely awful, unlistenable abomination of nature is entirely beside the point. The point is that it made him a superstar, and likely for the rest of his life.

Todd: I'll be honest—I do like Justin Timberlake and I do like Timbaland. They've had their missteps, yes, but they maintain a high level of quality, I think, especially compared to their peers. So I thought it only be fair to give a listen to their newest collaboration "Carry Out", which consists entire of fast-food-related sexual double entendres. [Long pause] Seriously.

Video of "Carry Out"

Timbaland: Baby, you’re looking fire-hot I have you open all night like an IHOP

Todd: These are bad jokes.

Justin: Number one, I take two number threes That’s a whole lotta you and a side of me

Todd: These are BAAAAADDDD jokes and they're the entire song. Why? Because Justin Timberlake likes his pick-up lines the same way he likes his Taco Bell quesadillas—[holds up a Taco Bell quesadilla] extra-cheesy.

Timbaland: I just can’t get enough I got to drive through

Todd: I'd like to dip my McNuggets in your special sauce.

Justin: Have it your, way, foreplay Before I feed your appetite

Todd: How about I give you a little cheeseburger in paradise?

Justin: Do you like it well done, cause I do it well

Todd: Can you super-size me?

Timbaland: I can tell the way you like it, baby, super-size

Todd (VO): Oh, wait, they actually use that one.

Todd: I ca..I can't keep up. I can't make this worse than it is.

Justin: Now is it full of myself to want you full of me?

Todd (VO): Okay, we just crossed the line from cheesy to disgusting.

Todd: ...and by that, I'm talking about my quesadilla. [Tosses quesadilla aside] Although this song is pretty gross too.

Justin: Take my order cause your body's like a carryout

Todd (VO): The only line in the song that isn't a bad double entendre is the chorus, and that's because...because...

Justin: Take my order cause your body's like a carryout

Todd (VO): Because that's not even a joke even! "Your body's like a carryout"? That doesn't mean anything! That's not even a single entendre! It's a .3 entendre at best!

(Unless that means they're literally going to eat her)

Todd: [eating fries] Okay, for the record, I've always liked Timbaland's beats, and this is no exception. I like the beat to this. Yet somehow that only makes it worse. I can imagine Timbaland laboring over the beat for weeks, adjusting the snare and remixing the bass and the treble and rewriting...and then he puts a bunch of fast food pick-up lines over it?! I mean, that's like if James Cameron took seven years and $500 million of CGI to make a movie that consists entirely of a guy getting hit in the nuts!

(Still might've been better than Avatar.)

Todd (VO): And also for the record, I do wanna give credit to the music video directors because this 50s drive-in thing is the only way the entire concept makes any sense. Although, then again, I think this woman here is supposed to be made up to look like Ronald McDonald, and...yeah, believe me...

Todd: ...I'm not attracted to Ronald McDonald. I only wake up with the King.

[Clip of Burger King commercial with a guy waking up next to that creepy King mascot] (Hot.)

Justin: And if its room for dessert then I want a piece Baby get my order right, no errors Imma touch you on the right areas

Buzzer: (NOT A RHYME)

Todd: [sipping a drink] I mean, there's not much more to say about the lyrics individually, I'm just left apuzzle about why this song exists at all. Why, why, why? Is this just a really well-disguised Weird Al song?

[Shows clip of video for "Eat It"]

Todd (VO): Because if it is, then I think the guy might be able to sue for plagiarism. I mean, he certainly wouldn't be able to parody it. I mean, what in the world would he be able to do with it?

Todd: Or maybe this stems from Justin's work with the "Saturday Night Live" guys.

Video for "Dick in a Box"

Justin and Andy Samberg: It's my dick in a box

Todd (VO): I mean, certainly this song has more in common with "Dick in a Box" than it does with the average pop song.

Todd: Maybe Justin pitched this song to them, but had to record it on his own because the guys who wrote "Jizz in My Pants" thought it was too stupid. OR maybe this all comes back to McDonalds' "I'm lovin' it" campaign.

Video for "I'm Lovin' It"

Todd (VO): In case you didn't know, "I'm Lovin' It" was originally a Justin Timberlake song, so maybe he recording this new song so he can sell it to another fast food company.

Todd: Although in that case, maybe he should've written something a little less sexual. [Sings to tune of McDonald's jingle that he plays] Ba-da-bop-ba-baa, I'm humpin' it. Or, then again, maybe the simple fact is that we've all gotten so goddamn fat that even our sex jams are about food now! Not even sexy food [image of woman eating a strawberry]—fast food [picture of Big Mac accompanied by a fart sound]! This song is targeted to the kind of person who's turned on by the thought of fry grease and mayonnaise!

Justin: Take my order cause your body's like a carryout Let me walk into your body until you hear me out

[Todd sips his drink and licks the cup, moaning seductively]

Justin: Turn me on, my baby don't you cut me out Turn me on, my baby don't you cut me out Take my order cause your body like a carry out Let me walk into your body until it's light’s out

Todd: [eating fries, same as the drink] Mmmm, french fries

Justin: What’s your name? What’s your number? I’m glad I came Can you take my order?

Todd: [you know where this is going, but now he rubs it on himself] Mmm, burger.

(I sincerely hope my family never sees this.)

Todd: You know, even if this was a good song with lyrics that weren't brain-dead, it's still basically a song about hitting on a cashier at a fast food place. That's bad form, dude. Let the woman work.

Justin and Timbaland: What's your name?

Todd: My name's Shawna, and I'd be happy to take your or...

Justin and Timbaland: What's your number?

Todd: Sir, if I could just take your or...

Justin and Timbaland: Are you glad I came?

Todd: Um, okay, that's good. Well, may I ta...

Justin and Timbaland: Can you take my order?

Todd: Yes, what would you like today, si...

Justin and Timbaland: What's your name? Girl, what's your number?

Todd: Sir, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to stop, so if you could just go ahead and...

Justin and Timbaland: Are you glad I came?

Todd: Well, good, I'm glad you're here.

Justin: Take my order cause your body's like a carryout

Todd: Sir, I'm getting the manager.

[Justin and Timbaland mimic heartbeats] (Heart attacks from too many Big Macs?)

Todd: It's become a running theme in my reviews where I get something so stupid that I have to wonder if it was deliberate. I mean, are they in on the joke? They'd have to be in on the joke, right? Well, you know what? I'm done asking that question ever, 'cause it doesn't matter! Stupid on accident?! Stupid on purpose?! Who cares?! IT'S STILL STUPID! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

(A triple order of stupid!)

Justin and Timbaland: I’m glad I came Can you take my order?

Todd: How about you take my order? I order you to grow a sense of shame before you record anything else! [Bites into his burger]

Closing tag song: Electric Six - "Down at McDonnelzzz"

Todd: [doing the burger rubdown again] Mmmm, burger...mayonnaise everywhere.