The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2013

Introduction
Todd plays "The Monster" by Eminem ft. Rihanna on the piano

THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2013 A year-end retrospective

He mashes the keys and lays his head down

Kyle: [pulling head up from book] Todd? You okay?

Todd: [clearly not] Yeah, I'm fine.

Oancitizen: Were you going to do your Top Ten list?

Todd: Maybe...no...I don't wanna. I hated this year so much. It was just so bad.

Oancitizen: Well, that doesn't mean there weren't good things about this year, too.

Todd: I guess.

Oancitizen: You can do this. You just need to get up, [Todd is about to drink] find your positivity and... [Todd starts opening a bottle of bourbon] oh, dear.

Paw: [plopping down on the couch] Hey, what's wrong with Todd?

Oancitizen: He's drinking again.

Todd takes a drink

Paw: That's not good. We're still cleaning out the vomit from July.

Elisa Hansen: [offstage] Hey, what's going on?

Paw: Todd's off the wagon again.

Elisa: Let me talk to him.

Elisa sits down

Todd: Fall Out Boy fans...

Elisa: Hey, Todd, I know you've been depressed lately about your work, but you've still got your friends, and your fans [A guy pops up behind couch with a knife], and everyone's been really looking forward to your... wait, is that our bourbon? [Gasps] You stole our alcohol again?! You still haven't replaced all the Captain Morgan you took last time! [Todd takes another drink] Damn it, you...you mooch! I can't believe you! This is the last time you're ever invited to any of our...

Paw: [to Oancitizen] Kyle, you'd better handle this.

Kyle: Uh, Todd, I know you said that you didn't like this year very much, and I know you don't want to sit there and just praise songs that weren't very good.

Todd: [drunk, putting bottle down] No, they're good...probably better than last year's even.

Kyle: [Paw peering in from side] Well, see? There you go! You did more positive reviews this year than I've ever seen you do; that's half your list right there.

Todd: Actually, some of those songs didn't even make the list.

Kyle: [Paw still peering in from side] You have enough good songs that you had to cut some of them back? Well, what are you waiting for? Get in there and be the best hooded... silhouetto of a man that you can be!

Todd: Yeah! Yeah, you're right. You're right, this year had plenty of good music, I'm just whining. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna talk about the pop music I love. I'm go...give me a second.

''Todd falls out of his chair, out of camera, and vomits. Kyle is about to say something, but thinks better of it and goes back to reading The Disaster Artist. Todd is still puking...

One hangover later...

Todd comes back to his post

Let's do this!

#THE #TOP #TEN #BEST #HIT SONGS #OF #2013

Brief pictures of Macklemore, Lorde, Robin Thicke, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Timberlake, accompanied by the five-note opening riff of Bruno Mars's "Treasure" (one note per picture), serving as the interlude throughout the countdown

#10
Todd (VO): #10.

Todd: I have lived in Virginia most of my life, but pretty recently, I've moved up north, and...how can you people stand it?!


 * News footage of the massive snow storm

Todd (VO): It is butt-cold up here! And also butt-windy. It is cold and windy as a butt! As far as I'm concerned, the only reason people should be living anywhere further north than Atlantic City...

Todd: ...is because they're trapped there by a giant wall that [brief clip from Game of Thrones] keeps out the wildlings and White Walkers!

It's been an adjustment.[intro for the song plays in the background] But I'll tell you one song that has made living in the frozen North a little easier.

#10. The Neighbourhood - "Sweater Weather"
 * Jesse Rutherford: All I am is a man

Todd (VO): Yes, thank you, indie upstarts, The Neighbourhood, this year's winner of the Fluke Indie Hit Sweepstakes.


 * Jesse: Use the sleeves of my sweater
 * Let's have an adventure

Todd (VO): Whenever I think that this bitter, nasty cold is the worst thing that ever happened on Earth, their song "Sweater Weather" always jumps into my head to remind me of...

Todd: ...the one good thing about the cold. [Picks up Kali] You can put a sweater on your dog. Aw, who wears a little sweater? Oh, who's so cute? Who's so cute? Who's a good puppy?

Todd (VO): No, I think this song is about sex, actually.


 * Jesse: One love, one house
 * No shirt, no blouse

Todd: I mean, just a guess.

Todd (VO): And I gotta say, this song has done more to make cold weather attractive than a billion "Let It Snow"s or "Baby, It's Cold Outside"s.

Todd: Of course, anything is more attractive than [cover of Dean Martin's...] "Baby, It's Cold Outside", the original "Blurred Lines".


 * Jesse: 'Cause it's too cold

Todd (VO): And it's nice to hear these guys bring some rockstar swagger into the world of scrawny hipster indie rock.


 * Jesse: Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Todd (VO): I mean, did you ever hear Foster the People sound like they were getting any?

Todd: The closest were [picture of...] Neon Trees, and they were nowhere near as convincing as these guys.

Todd (VO): This would be higher on the list, except at the end, there's this...

Todd: ...inexplicable slow part, which...


 * Slow part at end

Todd (VO): ...I'm honestly not sure was a good idea. Kinda kills the vibe. I don't know, does this part represent the hypothermia getting to them as they fall asleep and die?


 * Jesse: 'Cause it's too cold

Todd (VO): Yeah, despite some minor misgivings, this song's still pretty great.

Todd: Now we just need a song about hoodie weather, and I'll be the coolest kid in school.


 * Jesse: It's too cold
 * It's too cold
 * The holes of my sweater

Interlude

#9
Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: Since most of the big songs this year were pretty bad, a lot of my picks come from lower down the charts. [Screen shot of Billboard Year-End Hot 100] If Billboard said it was in the Top 100 this year, it counts. So, [song begins...] even though this song, I only heard about four times at best, well, you know, that's more of a failure of the music-buying public and not the artist, who is awesome. Always.

#9. Mariah Carey ft. Miguel - "#Beautiful"
 * Mariah: ‘Cause it’s beautiful, ooh you make me feel invincible

Todd (VO): Mariah Carey is the best, and I will hear no word to the contrary. Ever. Ever. [Poster of Glitter] Except for that one movie, which is terrible. But otherwise, yes, Mariah Carey is awesome, no discussion.

Todd: Mariah Carey isn't the best because she has the biggest range.

Todd (VO): It's because she is just so damn happy to be singing.


 * Mariah: Don’t stop ’til you thrill me, oh how you thrill me

Todd (VO): The difference between a Mariah and a Christina Aguilera is that Christina Aguilera makes it all look like grueling work, and Mariah makes it sound utterly effortless, and her duet with up-and-comer Miguel is her best song in a decade. It's the kind of 60s soul classic love song that Springsteen's always singing about.


 * Miguel: And your mind is fucking beautiful

Todd (VO): With a couple f-bombs, which...maybe I wouldn't have used. Otherwise, yeah, it's just amazing.


 * Miguel: Hop on the back of my bike

Todd (VO): He's singing about his motorcycle; Springsteen definitely inspired a little of this.


 * Mariah and Miguel: You're beautiful, and your mind is...

Todd (VO): Miguel also more than carries up his half, I think I finally get why he's famous, but let's face it, he's still a little bit out of his league. They both sing about how beautiful each other are, but there's a reason the camera's lingering on her body and not his.

Todd: You'd best believe, if that were Usher instead, his body would be getting equal time.


 * Mariah: Ooh-ooh-ooh...
 * Miguel: Hop on back my bike darling

Todd (VO): I don't know, this song just barely qualified as a hit, but goddammit, do I love it. I hope Mariah never stops singing. She's a good way into her third decade of hitmaking, and she just never stops sounding beautiful.

Todd: You know what's not beautiful though? [Single cover] Hashtags. Seriously, that can stop at any time.


 * Mariah and Miguel: Ooh-ooh-ooh...

Interlude

#8
Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: I'm used to complaining about pop songs, but 2013 was the year pop songs also started complaining about pop songs.


 * Video for Lorde - "Royals"
 * Lorde: But every song's like gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom
 * Bloodstains, ballgowns, trashin' the hotel room

Todd: Well, not every song's like that; that'd have been more accurate a few years ago. But I get you, I mean, it's not like materialism's a dead fad or anything.

Todd (VO): But, yeah, I like "Royals", I do. There's something about Lorde's populist stance and her carefully maintained poise that really does strike a chord. But still, I'll be honest, "Royals" is easier to like for what it isn't than what it is. I don't know, I just feel like, if you're gonna tear down the tired old world that pop's built up...

Todd: ...you need to have an attractive vision to replace it. [Song begins] And one song did just that.

#8. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz - "Thrift Shop"
 * Wanz: I'm gonna pop some tags
 * Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
 * I'm-I'm-I'm huntin'

Todd: "Damn, that is a cold-ass honky!"...is a thing people apparently say.


 * Macklemore: Walk up to the club, like, "what up, I got a big cock."

Todd (VO): Now here's a song that clears the way to the bright, shining new future. No more shall we listen to tedious bragging about wearing the flashiest, most expensive fashion of the moment and all the ridiculous luxury porn that comes with it. No, Macklemore has a bold new vision.

Todd: Cheap-ass secondhand clothes! Yes, this is what we have to look forward to.


 * Macklemore: Coppin' it, washin' it, 'bout to go and get some compliments

Todd (VO): Honestly, thrift shopping is kind of a stupid line to rap about, but he sold me on it completely—a sense of coolness that's dictated by something other than a price tag. That's astounding.

Todd: So update your "hot or not" fashion lists now—[poster for...] Tom Ford is out, [picture of forklift full of clothes] Goodwill is in.


 * Macklemore: Thank your granddad...

Todd (VO): Matter of fact, [single cover of "Sweater Weather"] The Neighbourhood can probably thank "Thrift Shop" for their success too. It's a lot easier to get someone to put their hands in the holes of your sweater...

Todd: ...when your sweater's already full of holes.


 * Wanz: I'll wear your granddad's clothes

Todd (VO): I kinda want this song to be as disruptive to the current state of music as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was.

Todd: Out with the old excess and in with the new, I say.


 * Wanz: This is fucking awesome
 * Macklemore: Ha ha ha

Interlude

#7
Todd (VO): #7.

Todd: Speaking of Macklemore, how about a little Macklemore? Hah.

#7. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton - "Can't Hold Us"
 * Ray: Can we go back, this is the moment
 * Tonight is the night, we’ll fight 'til it’s over
 * So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us
 * Like the ceiling can’t hold us

Todd: I think I need to point out here that Macklemore is more than Macklemore. The full name of the act is Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.

Todd (VO): And Lewis is especially important here because this may be the single best beat Lewis will ever make.


 * Macklemore: [as Todd gets down] Na na na na na na na na

Todd: See? You see, Katy Perry? You want to make a pump-up anthem, it actually has to pump you up.


 * Brief clip of Katy Perry - "Roar"

Todd (VO): And both those songs start with, like, high-treble piano chords, but Ryan Lewis makes it punch. And for some reason, never sounds like when I try to play it.

Todd places the sheet music and attempts the beginning of the song

Todd: What am I doing wrong?

Todd (VO): The song just keeps building up on that riff. The drums, the brass band, this is the most propulsive song the Hot 100 spat out on us this year. Of course, Macklemore's presence is no small thing either.


 * Macklemore: Return of the Mack, get up!
 * What it is, what it does, what it is, what it isn’t.

Todd (VO): Lorde may be tired of being told to put her hands in the air, but even she might get in it just this once because Macklemore is just killing it.


 * Macklemore: And I’m eating at the beat like you gave a little speed to a great white shark on Shark Week

Todd (VO): "Can't Hold Us" is the song that will probably make Macklemore. "Thrift Shop" broke him through, but it should've consigned him to one-hit-wonderdom. "Can't Hold Us" is a statement of purpose. This is where Mack proves that he is an honest-to-God superstar, and we'll see where he goes from here. He's got some high expectations to live up to, come that next album.

Todd: But I think he can make it. The ceiling, after all, can't hold him.


 * Macklemore: Mack-la-a-a-a-a-more!

Interlude

#6
Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: [song begins, Todd has to say it...] Okay, fine, I don't hate One Direction anymore.

#6. One Direction - "Best Song Ever"
 * One Direction: And we danced all night
 * To the best song ever
 * We knew every line

Todd (VO): I mean, I don't like them enough to know which one is which yet, I know there's one named Zayn with a Y, which is awful. That's about it.

Todd: But yeah, I'm going to give them a thumbs up, even though just a year earlier, they were one of my least favorite things about being alive.


 * Harry: Maybe it's the way she walked

Todd (VO): That's kind of the way I am. You have one good song in you, and I don't mean the "best song ever"; just one good song and I will cut you some slack, even if you're more like one of the worst groups ever. [Clip of...] I mean, there shouldn't be any excusing "Little Things"; that should get you permanently blacklisted from polite society.

And yet, here we are. "Best Song Ever" is just a fantastic song. I mean, I'll have to rename this a bit. [Edits cover to create "6th Best Hit Song of 2013"] Add that...put that over here...cross that out...there we go. That's still something, right?

Todd: [singing] And we danced all night to the 6th-best hit song of 2013.


 * Harry: 1, 2, 3
 * One Direction: And we danced all night

Todd (VO): You know, I'm glad One Direction have started making music that isn't just creepy, manipulative negging. I mean, I wanted to like them. They all seem like nice kids. You don't see them driving drunk and getting arrested, that's all I'm saying.

Todd: Of course we'll see what happens in a couple years. But until then, "Best Song Ever", [gives thumbs up] good stuff.


 * One Direction: It was the best song ever

Interlude

#5
Todd (VO): #5.


 * Video for
 * Justin: Can I show you a few things
 * Voice: You ready, JT?

Todd: He'd damn well better be ready. He hasn't released anything in seven goddamn years!

#5. Justin Timberlake ft. Jay-Z - "Suit &amp; Tie"
 * Justin: And as long as I got my suit and tie
 * I'ma leave it all on the floor tonight
 * And you got fixed up to the nines
 * Let me show you a few things

Todd (VO): "Suit & Tie" is, above all else, an act of colossal arrogance.

Todd: Justin Timberlake picked up his career as though we wouldn't notice that he basically ended it years ago, like you just walk out, and we don't hear a thing from you in years, and then you just waltz back in like nothing happened, you can't keep doing this to us, Justin!


 * Justin: Stop, let me get a good look at it

Todd: [almost in tears] I love you so much.


 * Justin: She ain't nothing but a little doozie when she does it

Todd (VO): I can't help it, I'm just a sucker for a good retro track, and spoilers: we've got more of those coming up. And that's why I do my best to live up, as much as possible, to the sheer timelessness of Justin's vision of old school charm and class.

Todd: I mean, I'm wearing a suit and tie right now under this hoodie. (as far as you know) What? I own a suit. [Picture of guy wearing a suit a few sizes too small] I've had it since I was, like, fifteen, and it doesn't really fit the same anymore, but yeah, I got one. I can be just like Justin.


 * Justin: I can't wait 'til I get you on the floor, good-looking
 * Going hot, so hot, just like an oven
 * And I'll burn myself, but just had to touch it

Todd (VO): [on Justin's slide to the mic] I can do that.

''Todd tries to slide up to his microphone four times. Each time he slips and hurts himself. The last time, the light falls on top of him.''


 * Justin: And as long as I got my suit and tie

Todd (VO): Okay, forgive me for that. I just want to do everything that Justin does. I want to be this famous just so I can someday afford a music video that makes me look this cool.

Todd: [sniffling] Don't ever leave again.


 * Video ends

Interlude

#4
Todd (VO): #4.


 * Video for Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"

Ever since she was launched onto the scene in 2008, I've repeatedly said my suspicion that Lady Gaga was always just a bunch of pretentious layers hiding an empty hole in the center. [Album cover of...] But having now listened to her third album Artpop...

Todd: ...I realize that I was, in fact, completely wrong. Now she's a pretentious empty hole. She used to be fine.


 * Clip of...

Todd (VO): Yes, I deeply underestimated how much "Born This Way" humanized the ehigmatic superstar and the crazy outfits. [Clip of...] But that was in the past, and just like "Applause" portended, Lady Gaga is now far into the process of [picture of snake swallowing itself] swallowing her own tail. That's not a picture of a snake, by the way; that's just another one of Lady Gaga's outfits.

Todd: But I will say this though. When she gets out of her head, she can still make some damn good pop music.

#4. Lady Gaga ft. R. Kelly - "Do What U Want", performance at American Music Awards
 * Lady Gaga: You can't have my heart
 * And you won't use my mind but
 * Do what you want with my body
 * Do what you want with my body

Todd (VO): At first glance, "Do What U Want" is another "Poker Face"—a song about being sexual open, but emotionally closed off. But if you look closer, you'll see it's actually about her increasingly touchy relationship with the press.


 * Lady Gaga: Write what you want
 * Say what you want 'bout me
 * If you’re wondering
 * Know that I'm not sorry

Todd: You know, Gaga, you wrote a whole song [brief clip of "Paparazzi"] glorifying them; you kinda brought this on yourself.

Todd (VO): But regardless, for someone whose work can be gloriously messy, "Do What U Want" is probably the tightest song she's ever written.

Todd: I will admit, though, out of all the songs on this list, this is the one I'm the most uncomfortable with including because, um...one of the people who sings on it is a literal child molester.


 * R. Kelly: And I'd love to hear you sing, girl
 * Do what I want
 * Do what I want with your body

Todd: I cannot emphasize this enough, do not let R. Kelly do what he wants, do what he wants with your body. He...because he pees on people, is what I'm going with this.


 * Clip of "Thrift Shop"
 * Macklemore: Pissssss....


 * R. Kelly: Early morning, longer nights
 * Tom Ford, private flights

Todd (VO): Yeah...R. Kelly's on this song, and he changes it in all sorts of weird ways. This song is about Gaga surrendering control of her public image while defiantly retaining her identity. But...

Todd: ...R. Kelly does not think that abstractly.


 * R. Kelly: Back of the club, taking shots, getting naughty

Todd (VO): It's...it's cute that Gaga thinks R. Kelly would care even one littlest bit about her mind or heart or anything else besides her body.

Todd: He does not give one shit about those other things.


 * R. Kelly: We don't give a...

Todd (VO): But I can't help it. I've always loved R. Kelly's music, and his part is just fantastic. I just love hearing his voice.

Todd: I really wish he wasn't such a disgustingly evil human being.


 * Clip of performance with Christina Aguilera on The Voice 

Todd (VO): For those made uncomfortable listening to an honest-to-God pedophile, Gaga was kind enough to record a new version with Christina Aguilera. It is not better than the R. Kelly version, but it is the best thing Christina's done in a long, long time.

Todd: Yes, "Do What U Want"—a song so good, even Christina Aguilera sounds like she knows what she's doing when she's singing it. That's quality. Wonder if she'll ever have a hit of her own again.


 * Lady Gaga and Christina: ...what you want with my body, world

Interlude

#3
Todd (VO): #3.


 * Video begins...
 * Kendrick: Pour up

Todd: Drank.


 * Kendrick: Head shot

Todd: Drank.


 * Kendrick: Sit down

Todd: Drank.


 * Kendrick: Stand up

Todd: Drank.

#3. Kendrick Lamar - "Swimming Pools (Drank)"
 * Kendrick: Nigga why you babysittin' only 2 or 3 shots?
 * I'ma show you how to turn it up a notch
 * First you get a swimming pool full of liquor, then you dive in it
 * Pool full of liquor, then you dive in it

Todd (VO): I like Macklemore and all, but as far as I'm concerned, the hip hop world belongs to Kendrick Lamar right now. [Single cover of...] "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" would've been my #1 song if it had been a hit, and close behind is Kendrick's first big hit, "Swimming Pools (Drank)", a song about how difficult it is to resist the temptation of the bottle and the culture that glorifies it.

Todd: And it strikes a deep chord with me. Now, I'm not much of a drinker myself. [brief clip of Todd drinking, "literally fifteen minutes ago."] But I have seen other people depend on alcohol. I mean, I went to college.


 * Kendrick: Now I done grew up
 * Round some people living their life in bottles

Todd (VO): Even when it's fun, there's an undercurrent of your life being sucked away. Again, not that I know personally. And this song, it just captures it, that relentless need to drown your sorrow. Not even your sorrow necessarily, just that voice in your head saying, "just one more drink." There's plenty of rap songs about alcohol, but not that many about alcoholism, which is why it kind of had to sneak in under the radar.


 * Kendrick: First you get a swimming pool full of liquor, then you dive in it
 * Pool full of liquor, then you dive in it

Todd (VO): It's an anti-drinking song disguised as a drinking anthem.

Todd: Or...possibly the other way around 'cause it's a weirdly good song to drink to.


 * Kendrick: I ride, you ride, bang
 * One chopper, one hundred shots, bang

Todd (VO): I don't know, it repeats the word "drank" enough that it kinda starts getting hard to resist. It's like...

Todd: ...subliminal advertising.


 * Kendrick: Pour up (drank, drank), head shot (drank, drank)
 * Sit down (drank, drank), stand up (drank, drank)
 * Pass out (drank, drank), wake up (drank, drank)

Todd slowly lifts the glass, but thinks better of it and puts it down

Todd: Bad influence, Mr. Lamar.


 * Kendrick: Faded (drank, drank), faded (drank, drank)

Interlude

#2
Todd (VO): #2.

Todd: I struggled mightily choosing between #2 and #1. This next song unfortunately lost the battle to be my pick for the best this year, but it's definitely the one I listened to the most this year. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if I listened to it close to every single day since I first heard it. This song is just that good. And what musical genius brought it to you?


 * Video begins...
 * Voice: Baby squirrel, you’s a sexy motherfucker

Todd gets down to...

#2. Bruno Mars - "Treasure"
 * Bruno: Treasure, that is what you are
 * Honey, you're my golden star

Todd (VO): Having already proven he can do [brief clip of "Locked Out of Heaven"] the Police circa 1977, Bruno now shows that he can also do Kool & the Gang circa 1980. I didn't even know early 80s R&B was something I was nostalgic for, no one ever seems to say any good things about that [picture of trio in blue suits] awkward era of R&B between the Afro and the Jheri curl, but...

Todd: ...goddamn, Bruno makes a good case for it.


 * Bruno: Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

Todd (VO): I just wanna go back and find all the retro funk music videos I can, although trust me, even when they're trying to be bad at it, Bruno and his crew have much better dance moves than the people he's paying homage to.


 * Clip of the Commodores - "Lady"
 * Commodores: Lady, you bring me up when I'm down

Todd: Hee-hee-hee.


 * Bruno: A girl like you should never look so blue

Todd (VO): I love every single thing about this song. I love every shot of the video, and by all accounts, I should be annoyed at the lyrics, which kinda run the same game as One Direction saying, "you don't know you're beautiful," but even that kinda works.


 * Bruno: Treasure

Todd (VO): I mean, its kinda sleazy lyrics fit so well into the song's joyously cheesy vibe.


 * Clip of performance on The Voice. Todd is dancing in his seat
 * Bruno: Let me treasure you all night, darling

Todd (VO): I really wish Bruno would quit trying to carve out his own identity and just remake old genres. This is, by far, the most charming thing he will ever, ever do.

Todd: Treasure it.


 * Bruno: Thank you.

Honorable Mentions
Todd: And now, before we get to #1, a quick shout-out to some runners-up that deserve some honorable mention.

Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller - "The Way"
 * Ariana: I love the way, I love the way

Todd (vo): Ariana Grande is so much more talented than Miley, Selena or Demi Lovato, it's just, it's embarrassing.

Todd: But she doesn't ride naked on construction equipment, so she's at a disadvantage.

Todd (vo): Ashanti's songs from 2002 was another thing I didn't realize I was nostalgic for, by the way.

Zedd ft. Foxes - "Clarity"
 * Foxes: I dive into frozen waves

Todd (vo): Of all the electronica hits that came out this year, "Clarity" was my favorite. This would have been on the list, honestly, except for one little issue I couldn't get around. No matter how I hear it, I can't make the most important lyric make any sense to me.

Why are you my clarity?
 * Foxes: If our love's insanity


 * Todd: And that doesn't make... I can't put my finger on what's wrong with that, but it just bugs me. Eh.