Rape Squad

Jillian: I can't believe you decided to watch a movie with me on Valentine's Day!

Cinema Snob: I can't believe you actually found a copy of this movie!

what it's my favorite

romantical movie

Moment by Moment starring John Travolta Lily Tomlin is

your favorite romance what it's like the

original cougar town

they look like brother and sister look

this is my day and we're gonna watch

what I want to watch how am I he'll does

someone remember a moment-by-moment

the fuck this does not look like John

Travolta and Lily Tomlin are about to

have sex thank God but seriously the

fuck

honey did you order the wrong movie no I

ordered two movies moment-by-moment and

something for me to do on the site later

they must have sent my movie first it's

Valentine's Day why would they possibly

think rape Squad is a higher priority

have you seen my high priorities list in

the past five years we're lucky they

didn't send us an actual rape squad so

should we go ahead and watch it

why not it still gives us something to

do fine but you owe me another dinner

date interval total 11 whatever it's

still better than new Keith oh here's

why it's called rape squad it's a snuff

film no it's not a snuff film it just

comes in alternate title vision why do

you still refer to it as a rape squad

when the title here is active vengeance

don't you think rape squad is the more

memorable title it doesn't matter what

the alt title is everyone just calls it

rape squad so you'd find a

moment-by-moment more intriguing if it

was called rape squad I don't think I

could handle Lily Tomlin raping John

Travolta these two hear much more

attractive

what happened it was a law in the 70s

that either the term what's happening or

good times had to be used in a movie oh

please tell me it's not the horse that's

going to get molested who cares I could

count on all of my digits how many

movies I've seen so far that have animal

fucking in it so is this going to be a

squad of people sent out to kill rapists

or is it gonna be like Monster Squad

only instead of movie monsters it's a

bunch of Ted Bundy's don't get too ahead

of yourself just kick back and watch

Jason Voorhees don't worry I know what

to do doesn't even look like Jason it

looks like a kid with a cheap dollar

store Jason costume so the guy from

bloody murder gonna scream you can't you

know it's alright

Oh is new Jason would sound like Jerry

Reed he doesn't sound like Jerry Reed Oh

sweetheart howdy ma'am okay maybe he

sounds a little like Jerry Reed given

the title this damn thing I hope the

movie it least tries to keep it classy

Thank You mr. rapist but using me well

he said thank you

seriously this is what you do for a

living I mean it's only gonna get worse

little music would be appropriate so why

don't you sing me some jingle bells

that's appropriate right it's not even

Christmas another reason you can tell

it's the 70s nowadays this guy would get

the death penalty for smoking at a

public place and go figure showing her a

bunch of pictures of John Dillinger

isn't helping anything I'm finding it

very hard to make jokes in the scene

when in doubt just say that a character

bears a striking resemblance to somebody

else example so officer Gerald Ford here

shows her some mug shots well

how this is a revenge movie I'm guessing

something offensive is going to happen

at the police station but find anything

I'll call you and if you remember

anything you forgot to tell us you call

make sure I wish there definitely some

time don't worry she's gonna retaliate

with an aggressively exploitation movie

come back someday I hope you run into a

big mean 300-pound faggot killer and I

hope that faggot rips off your clothes

and sodomized is your mic and your baby

back ass at least now we get to see a

scene with her boyfriend giving her a

good recipe for red herring don't speak

so soon honey

guys are really sensitive in these

movies are you bullshitting me about

last night ever see my maniac episode

it's what I do

maybe this is the scene where they make

a call to the cast of angels revenge

this movie better slowed down or it's on

the verge of becoming offensive well I'm

on the verge of thinking this is really

David Hess now just to show me how

grateful you are how about you sing for

me all about ten bars of jingle bells I

can't believe this is the movie that's

ruining Christmas for me way past you on

that garbage days that Nazi Elves ruined

it for me

I also like how his name is actually

jingle bells because we wouldn't have

taken him seriously if his name were

frosty you know there's probably an

easier way to pick Kane Hodder out of a

lineup if it's Jason you're looking for

though it's clearly the guy on the right

he's got the closest outfit no early to

mid-80s Jason had tan pants I believe

they know it's not Jason you fucking

asshole this seems like a very silly way

to pick out who the rapist is I'm sorry

ladies but I had to do this to you for a

very good reason but I picked this way

to dramatize for you how impossible

our job is oh I get it

it was his point to fuck with a bunch of

rape victims how do you feel about

forming a rape squad honey you're gonna

have to be a little more specific on

that

so the rape squad is this group of women

who set out to stop rapist and to okay I

think the cameraman might be jingle

bells how can you tell when everything

in this movie with a penis is a rapist

stop right well that's my favorite sport

you treat women like slabs on meat

[Applause]

you know I feel there should have been

more at the end of that sense hey I

remember when I used to practice

Taekwondo the hell even the dummy is a

rapist are you okay

just enjoying the movie so all my ladies

are taking up karate now some punches no

kicks yeah I can't wait till the next

fight dynamite the fuck was that about

this stuntman Mike making his cameo no

time though the squad gets their first

mission which is seduce the rapist

something I think will make up most of

their missions

nice tower of beer be more attractive it

was just a puddle of urine please watch

the beer cans every frat boy just shed a

tear so they're just messing up his

apartment I've seen a girl with the

dragon tattoo and this is tame by

comparison give it a sec honey see look

there's the acid actually it's just good

old blue colored dye you're a marked man

mister rapist please mister rapist was

my father who last about six months and

if we ever hear that you attacked any

other woman this will identify you and

we'll be back and if we do we'll

redecorate your ass and not your

apartment so he just has to wait six

months and then he can rape again fuck

the blue dye that should have been acid

at least now we can play some more

Friday the 13th music

[Music]

how do you do that I know you're not

just editing the music in and then

sitting back down as long as you just

think about the reference it'll

magically happen in the movie sort of

like how a painting will appear if you

lightly touch it pretty much should say

if there's one more rape in this movie

I'm going to lose interest really you

had to wait until the third rape to give

up on this movie is three rapes your

limit maybe something different will

happen in the scene who are you oh I'm

just your friendly neighborhood a hockey

player nope still one-liners doesn't

even make sense there are no friendly

hockey players what do you want you're

going to be kidding me

now he's just making fun of the movie

zone dialog that's not all there is

Jacob Annabelle's what is his name

Plus this one he actually kills I find

it hard to believe they needed the

entire rape squad to identify the body

jingle bells should be easier to find

than they think just look with a person

with a hilariously dubbed voice damn I

actually killed someone don't think I

want that to happen again no it's not a

nice feeling well gotta find a new one

get my mind off of that don't even sound

like real dialog it sounded like a

what's up Tigerlily comedic Doug only

about rape at least misogynistic prick

shows up back in the movie he's had some

time to learn maybe he's a decent person

now look you're gonna get yourself

killed too if you don't stop tramping

around like some some diesel Dyke he's a

man and he's in this movie they're all

bad even when they're off screen they're

bad like when this one lady plays

obscene messages from her tape recorder

if it turns out to be Ghostface we're

shutting this off

I thought snobs liked scream even I have

my limits we get to see him go after

another rapist though yeah well what's

happening is what's happening what's

happening has already been said someone

please say good times dynamite plus I

don't know if rubbing up on this dude is

really teaching him a lesson if I ever

hear you making another obscene phone

call you've had it because I'm gonna

publish a story about you that'll make

national headlines all over America

you'll be known as mr. hit so let him

call you mr. shit then you can be a

Christmas icon on South Park I'm sort of

surprised we haven't seen any pimps oh

there we go

so what's so bad about pimps maybe he's

one of the nice ones like Henry Winkler

a night shift good old dad and you leave

when Percy tells you to leave you

understand

I don't old you bitch I'm your Lord and

your master you dig it no he's the vice

squad type oh shit

no one likes Karate Mama's have turned

on him come on

he's an abusive woman beater destroy a

little more than his car I'm sure he'll

be a better person when he wakes up now

I know we've been saying it's Jason this

entire time but lo and behold jingle

bells is actually David Hasselhoff I

knew it wasn't Jason this movie was made

years prior to Friday the 13th I fucking

know that also his voice sounds a little

different when it isn't dubbed there

they go my fine lovelies

my beauty is and didn't they look good

together he starts playing a

cat-and-mouse game with the girls which

seems to confuse the hell out of them I

know I have eyes why do you keep

describing it to me as we watch it just

making the point that this seems like a

long way to go when the end result will

just be castration are you kidding

the probably just Keys card give him a

black eye or something don't forget they

also have nice sticks which seem to be

casting a mighty dick shadow on this

woman's crotch the group splitting up

doesn't seem like such a good idea when

they're searching for jingle bells see I

told you it wasn't a good idea

I wasn't disagreeing with you now in

what a horrible way is the other girl

gonna get caught oh damn there goes my

heel girls wait for me

really jingle bells' has a malt cornered

he threatens to kill two captured girls

unless the others lock themselves in a

cage hey girls

trust me no way last time I trusted

somebody in a hockey mask

I got a miniature Zamboni shoved up my

ass what naturally the girls seemed to

go quietly

oh well except the one who is eventually

gonna kill him

who knew that all you had to do to upset

jingle bells was insult his lovemaking

skills you told me you were the best

[Music]

you're the lowest bullshit screw you

Camille Keaton this girl uses words to

castrate her men

not to mention hitting the air around

him to knock him on the ground she's

hitting him so hard with this shovel

that there's absolutely no blood to be

found on it

so I said

cause he's dead now and okay

ending the movie on the gripping cage

releasing seems a little abrupt

you think that's abrupt as not abrupt

this is abrupt one day I'm gonna get

that filthy rapist okay that's a little

more abrupt but it would have made the

movie shorter my point exactly

so was this a good Valentine's Day

hoodie well at least they got a woman to

write their feminist revenge flick I

guess that's something

no they didn't it was written by a guy

under a pseudonym why do you think

they're all showing titty when they come

up with their plan this whole movie was

just the screenwriter trying to get laid

I didn't think about that

but I suppose it was a good Valentine's

Day I mean the movie was no Lily

Tomlin's ass in the moonlight but it'll

do it'll do it was a rape movie!

Wanna have sex?

no!