Rise of the Commercials

(The original intro suddenly gets interrupted by TV static, and the screen suddenly goes to black, save for one little white dot. After a while, pop-up ads start appearing onscreen. The ads disappear, and the white dot grows turns into film projector static, until a "loading circle" appears. The projector static resumes, and then a clip of the soundwave from the intro to The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror V appears on top of the screen. Finally, the "I O Donuts" image from Nostalgia Critic's t-shirt appears onscreen.)

Announcer: There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. We are controlling the video. If we wish to annoy you, we'll add obnoxious pop-up ads. If we wish to infuriate you, we will load the video even slower so that all you can see is that annoying circle (cue the loading circle). If we wish to confuse you, we will satirize a show that was popular in the 60's, but you'll still kinda get it because you saw it on The Simpsons Halloween Special. For the next half-hour, sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery of...Nostalgic commercials.

(Footage of various commercials)

NC (voiceover): They're back, and they're ready to sell you their shit. Nostalgic Saturday morning commercials are practically a lost art. In that there's no more Saturday morning cartoons to play them with.

NC: Thanks, non-stop kids-ploitation media! (Various channel logos appear onscreen.)

NC (voiceover): But nevertheless, there was still a strange otherworldly feel to the ads of the 80's and 90's, and even some more recent ones too. So today, we're gonna take a look at their bright, colorful, sugar-coated, brain-cell killing awesomeness in all its glory. Because commercials are reviewable too. What makes them memorable, what makes them laughable, and what makes them memorably laughable.

NC: So, seeing how the first one I called "After These Messages", the second one "We'll be Right Back", the third one "!", and the fourth one "The Fourth One", this one I'm calling... "The Quickening".

(We are treated, like in the previous commercial specials, to a compilation of ABC's clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages...

Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages...

Clay Dog (sings): After these messages...

(The title "The Quickening" is shown.)

Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back!

Skip It
(TV static transition to:  Skip It commercial)

Singer (audio): ♫ Hey now, kids! Come gather 'round, see what just skipped into town. ♫

NC (voiceover): Yeah, you all know this one. Go ahead and sing along.

Announcer (singing): ♫ Skip It, Skip It, you want to jump to the top. ♫

NC (singing): Skip it, skip it...

Announcer (singing): ♫ A skippin' and a screamin' and bop-shoo-bop. ♫

NC (voiceover): This is the classic ad for a toy that was pretty much just jump rope for a disposable income.

Announcer (voiceover): ♫ But the very best thing of all: there's a counter on this ball. ♫

NC: Wow. That is the best thing of all. Remember when you had to count? Remember the fucking terrible days where you actually had to count?

NC (voiceover): Not only do I get to stay in just one place for hours, but I get to not think of numbers while doing it.

NC: This thing's the new iPhone 6.

NC (voiceover): As much as I love this ad, have you ever known anyone that was good at it? I mean, fucking anyone? I sure didn't. Nobody I knew could ever get the hang of this damn thing. If they really wanted to get it right, they would have advertised it like this...

(Cut to a parody of Skip it called Trip it with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers playing the kids.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Hey kids, see the new toy in town? To get you more acquainted with the ground. It's Trip It, Trip It, smashing faces into asphalt.

(Malcolm trips and falls onto the pavement.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Trip It, Trip It!

(Tamara falls on top of Malcolm. "FUN")

NC (singing like the announcer): Sue the toy brand, it's their fault!

(Malcolm looks on the back.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Cause the very best thing of all is the numbers on the ball ("1-800 DON'T SUE"; that's "1-800-366-8873"). Maybe you can take those bastards to court, sue the little fuckers right down to their shorts.

(A lawyer, played by Jim Jarosz, shows the CEO, played by Doug, a paper with the words "FALSE ADVERTISEMENT" written on them. The CEO shrugs as a truck drives past the screen with the words "AMERICAN JUSTICE" written on the side, stripping the CEO of his shirt and pants. Malcolm and Tamara laugh with cigars in their mouths as money falls all around them).

(A screen showing the product with the words "Trip it" is shown.)

NC (voiceover as the announcer): Trip it, it's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

NC (voiceover): Well, it's still a catchy song that won't be leaving anytime soon.

Announcer (singing): Skip it Skip it, come on everybody let's skip it!

The Incredible Crash Dummies
(TV static transition to:  The Incredible Crash Dummies commercial)

Announcer (voiceover): It's the Incredible Crash Dummies!

Slick and Spin: Sure! (crashing into the bullseye) Whoa!

NC (voiceover): So there's this strange period of time when the crash test dummies, which were originally PSAs for seatbelt safety, got their own toys made.

Junkman: I'll smash their fun!

Spin(?): Gotta run!

NC (voiceover): It was...weird. There was like an evil dummy who wanted to stop their crashing...

NC: ...because that was a thing, I guess...

NC (voiceover): ...but in theory, it was still kind of cool, because it was the only toy you were expected to break.

Junkman: Break?! Where's the brakes?!

Spin(?): There aren't any.

Junkman (falling onto the bullseye): Whoa!

Announcer (voiceover): The Incredible Crash Dummies!

NC (voiceover): Even though every commercial ended with the same line...

Slice: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt!

NC (voiceover): Isn't it a little ironic that you're learning about car safety by being encouraged to crash a car?

NC: This is actually kinda sick.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, maybe that one went through the windshield or that one's fucking bleeding to death. Innocent fun!

NC: Maybe I'm reading too deep into it. I mean, after all, it's not like there was a torture chair to live out your sadistic fantasies.

Announcer: With the crash and bash chair!

NC (voiceover): What the Christicles? Holy shit!

(Scenes of the dummies being dismembered)

Child voice: Nice body slam!

NC (voiceover): What does any of this have to do with car safety?

Voice: Hey dummy, give me a break? Whooahh.

(The dummy parts going flying at a screen with the words "SMASH".)

NC: Okay. There's playful violence, and then there's Saw. This is Saw water that you're in.

Spare Tire(?): CRASH TEST!!!!

Announcer: These guys really take a beating!

NC (voiceover): Whatever fucked-up part of our brains liked this, it was a hit for a while, even if we...should probably be concerned why.

Slice: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt!

(Billy from the Saw series pops up.)

NC (as Jigsaw): Or I'll kill you!

TMNT
(TV static transition to: TMNT commercial)

Cameraman: 3-2-1!

Michelangelo: Hey there, sports dude!

(NC screams in terror at the TMNT 3 reject puppet.)

NC (vo as Michelangelo): I'm the mounted ass animatronics from Ninja Turtles 3.

Michelangelo: Basketball: Slam dunking Donnie --

NC (voiceover): God, how did they go from Jim Henson's puppetry to a dead-eyed corpse with fishing line poled lips like Mr. Ed???

Michelangelo: In football, TD Tossing Leo's making sure the Foot aren't having a ball.

NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing is, you can tell this is when they were running out of ideas for stuff to put the Ninja Turtles on. In the early 90s, they were literally on everything. No, I mean fucking everything.

Michelangelo: Like lively six pack low fat Yogurt.

Leonardo: Excellent!

NC (vo): So, it's pretty obvious we were getting to the point where they had very few options left.

Raphael: Friends, are you in the market for a new car? Mike's Cowabunga Surf Buggy!

Michelangelo: Welcome back to the International Turtle Games!

Raphael: There I was, on safari in deepest Africa!

Michelangelo: YEEHAW! Dudes! I just love the Old West!

NC: It's kinda like saying, "Remember when Batman took up baseball? Or Wonder Woman took up bowling?" (We see photoshopped images of the two scenarios... then actual comics featuring these scenarios.) Ok, those were actually real things, but it still feels wrong!

Raphael: It's Crazy Clowning Mike!

Michelangelo: Chief Leo, leader of the Turtle Tribe/Bandito Bustin' Mike/It's Raph the magnificent!

Raphael: The rabbit pops up!

NC: But wait! There's more! Uh... uh... There's (cue photoshop images of...) Ninja Turtles accounting! Ninja Turtle tool booth operator! And last, but not least, pregnant Ninja Turtles. (as Michelangelo) Like preggers-bunga!

Raphael: Things weren't going too well, ok?

NC: We swear! It's all part of the original source material! Practically nothing has changed! It's not just an attempt for you to buy it as a gift or something!

Raphael: Bodacius Birthday Turtles! Just what I always wanted.

Singers (off-key to Happy Birthday): Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

NC: (pause) Enjoy your fumes.

Raphael: All yours for no money down, no installments, you just pay for it!

(TMNT 1987 logo appears.)

Singers: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

NC: We're out of ideas!

(Caption appears below the logo)

HBO Feature Presentation Bumper
(TV static transition to: HBO 1983 Feature Presentation Bumper )

NC (vo): Oh my god! This may be the greatest bumper for anything ever!

NC: Ok, so you're about to watch something on HBO. What do you usually see before it starts?

(Current HBO Entertainment bumper, the short static "Aaaahhhh", plays.)

NC (unimpressed): Fucking riveting. You wanna see what they had back in the 80s?

(The 80s bumper begins to fly over a cityscape as the music begins to build.)

NC: What whimsical whimsy of wonderment is this?

(The bumper continues to fly over the city.)

NC: By god! It feels like I'm flying!... Over a model of Micro Machines but still flying!

NC (vo): The music just keeps getting bigger and bigger! What magical realm are we being transported to?

(The bumper finally starts to fly into outer space as the music builds to a crescendo.)

NC: Yes? YES?

(A starburst in space and the HBO logo appears with the Feature Presentation theme playing at a full orchestra.)

NC: HBO, of course!!!

NC (vo): Nowhere else will you find ingenious entertainment mixed in with pointless boob shots!

NC: But wait a minute. Could there be something even more magical in the "O"?

(On cue, as the HBO logo rotates in front of the screen, multiple colorful streak begin to rotate around the "O". As the camera moves inside the "O", the Critic is taken aback in wonderment. A shot inside the "O" sees more of these colorful streaks. Cut to a quick shot of David Bowman going through the stargate in "2001: A Space Odyssey". Finally, the words "HBO Feature Presentation" form from the streaks of color.)

NC: Fucking amazing! I mean, fucking amazing!!! What would you rather watch before seeing anything? This?

(Current HBO Entertainment bumper plays)

NC (vo): We're incredible, I guess. Ahhhhhhh....

NC: ... Or flying like fucking Peter Pan through a Godzilla model of wonder? HBO? You gotta bring this back. I don't care if you have to throw in Tyrion Lannister or something, for god's sakes bring this back! Even if the movie you're watching is fucking Jack and Jill... it'll be a little bit better with that intro.

(We see the final form-up of the logo one more time. As the "HBO Feature Presentation" caption appears, a picture of Tyrion Lannister pops up on the screen.)

Tyrion (NC vo): Yeees.

Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise"
(TV static transition to: Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise" commercial)

Girl background singers: Diaper Surprise!

NC: Heh?

Girl background singers: (To the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel") ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, feed your babies water, press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Uhh... I don't think that's how that works.

Background girl: Look! A magic charm!

NC (vo): Was this like the missing line that Rocky's coach (a picture of Mick appears) used to say?

NC (as Mick): Ya gotta drink water and crap me yummy-wummy delicious charm bracelets!

Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, stars and hearts and flowers, look inside, which charm did you get? Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Eew...

Blue-haired girl: Charming!

NC: Listen...girls in wigs...I just think you're kinda giving kids the wrong idea.

NC (vo): I mean, what if a parent is like...

(The critic is holding a blanket in the shape of a baby. The screaming baby from one of the eSults can be heard.)

NC (in dad's voice): Uh-oh. Somebody needs their diaper changed.

NC (in mom's voice): No, no! Let me! I've been waiting for this for so long!

(He puts a diaper in front of his face.)

NC: (wearily) Kill me...

Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy ♫

NC (vo): No. Just--just no.

Girl background singers: ♫ Press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Just no!

Creepy Crawlers
(TV static transition to: Creepy Crawlers commercial)

Background singers: ♫ Cree-ee-eepy Crawlers ♫