North

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know, growing up, I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called North.

Clips of North

NC: (Voiceover) Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough. Sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones.

NC: It just looked like any other average family comedy, but what really drew my attention to it was the Siskel and Ebert review.

Gene Siskel: It's junk. First class junk.

Roger Ebert: It's a movie that makes me cringe, even when I'm sitting here thinking about it.

Gene Siskel: Its ... It's embarrassing. You feel unclean as you're sitting there.

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much as any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.

NC: (surprised) DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys who reviewed Batman and Robin, Kazaam, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, and the Tom and Jerry movie, and THIS is the movie that made them feel unclean. What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? (Cheerfully) Come on, kids! Let's find out!

Kids offscreen: YAAAAAY!

Movie starts

NC: (Voiceover) OK, so it starts off with North, played by Elijah Wood, as he listens to his parents argue who are, oddly enough, played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

North's dad: And I was inspecting pants before you even started wearing 'em.

North's mom: ...Stopover in Atlanta. That would kill him.

North's dad: ...knew more about beltloops than you'll ever know.

NC: You're KILLIN' INDEPENDENT GEORGE, ELAINE!

NC: (Voiceover) North starts to, for some reason, have a panic attack.

North's dad: ...Einstein knew arithmetic before... Do you know who I am?

North: Ah!

NC: Dude, kid! You're parents are arguing. All parents do that. It's not like you're possessed by the one ring of power.

The scene is played again with a superimposed picture of the ring from The Lord of the Rings movie.

NC: (Voiceover) As he loses conscientiousness more and more, we hear the narrator, played by Bruce Willis, explain why.

Narrator: Yes, North was having a difficult time with his folks, and it was putting a damper on what was, in all other respects, a very successful life.

NC: Yeah, nice read there, Bruce. It's like he knew this movie was a stinker, so he tried to get it over with as quickly as possible.

NC: (Voiceover) (Playing the narrator) North was in a jam. He really didn't relate to his parents. Next page. He decided he needed to change, so he roamed the earth until he found the parents he was looking for. Where's my check? There it is! Gotta go! (Sound of a car driving away)

North's dad: Oh ho, well, that shut him up!

North: Aaaaah (falls to the ground)

North's dad: What's the matter. Here, loosen his pants.

NC: Wait, what?

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: What, WHAT?

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: OK. All right, You can't let a line like that go by and not have somebody make fun of it, so here are my jokes.

''A title card appears entitled "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes For This Scene" which plays in a similar fashion to David Letterman's Top 10 Jokes. ''

(The line appears before each joke, but for the sake of typing, I'm going to avoid it.)

NC: Number 10 - Or take his shirt off. Either way, I'm getting a show.

Number 9 - I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.

Number 8 - Damn it, man. I'm a doctor, not a pedifiler.

Number 7 - Isn't that the slogan for Enable?

Number 6 - But just skip over the turning your head and coughing.

Number 5 - I always forget if we circumcised him.

Number 4 - Now we're gonna see why his last name is Wood.

Number 3 - Elaine wants to see if he's truely sponge-worthy.

Number 2 - You know, when you we were having the other white meat, this isn't what I had in mind.

NC: And the number 1 joke to made about this scene is:

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: If anyone asks, Art Vandelay did it. Play me off, Paul

The Critic dances to Paul Shaffer's music

(UNFINISHED!!!)