The Matrix

(We start off today's episode with lines of code raining down on the screen which not only has random Japanese hiragana, but also words like Bloated, Pretentious, Heavy Handed, Dated and Artsy, all of this being the Matrix Month card. Two voices start speaking as the camera continues to zoom in on the code.)

Voice 1: It's not possible.

Voice 2: It is.

Voice 1: I don't believe you.

Voice 2: Believe it.

Voice 1: I can't believe after all these years I'm finally discovering the truth!

(The camera zooms out to a hand holding a red Solo cup. Every scene is put through a green filter like the movies.)

Voice 2: Well, it is true.

(Voice 1 is Chester A. Bum)

Chester: You don't like The Matrix.

(Voice 2 is the Nostalgia Critic)

NC: Yes, I don't like The Matrix. (he takes a drink from his cup)

Chester: Oh, you're talking about the sequels.

NC: No, the original Matrix, all of them! I think they're dumb movies.

Chester: But everybody loves The Matrix!

NC: I don't! I think it's overrated! I mean, okay, it's not horrible or anything but when push comes to shove I think all of them are really silly films.

Chester: But it's symbolic and means stuff.

NC: Just because it's symbolic and means stuff doesn't automatically make it good. I mean, what, am I supposed to lie about my opinion? (Stands up and walks to the doorway)

Chester: You're gonna piss off so many people.

NC: (Standing at doorway) If there's anything Big Hero 6 has taught me is that even if you think a film is okay, the internet will accept it in a fair and balanced way. Besides, who's gonna take it that seriously?

(NC leaves to go refill his drink. Chester soon takes a drink before remembering it's his change cup and spits some coins back into it. When NC comes back, he's surprised to see an Agent (played by Doug) sitting at the table.)

Agent: (speaking like Agent Smith) Mr. Algiacritic.

NC: Who the fuck are you?

Agent: I hear tell that you don't like The Matrix. It's very understandable, Mr. Algiacritic. Most people have issues with the sequels.

NC: No, I'm not talking about the sequels. I'm talking about all of them. I just don't like The Matrix!

Agent: Really?

NC: And so what if I don't? What does it matter?

Agent: I represent the fanbase, Mr. Algiacritic. I am Agent Schmuck, and you should well know that everybody...loves...The Matrix.

NC: Well, I'm sorry. I just don't.

(We now come to our first set of clips showing the movie.)

NC (vo): I mean don't get me wrong, its technology and style inspired a lot in terms of cinema. For years, every film was trying to look like the Matrix. But even before the crowd hating sequels came out, I still thought this was a pretentious and silly film. Everyone saw it as this deep, mind-blowing experience when in truth, dozens of science fiction stories and movies have done this idea before: the idea that our reality is an illusion. Hell, some of the effects it's famous for were being done before this movie came out. (While Neo's bullet dodge scene is shown, a similar clip from Lost in Space is shown.) They just weren't perfected yet.

NC: It's got some clever stuff, but on the whole, I just didn't think it worked.

Schmuck: But Mr. Algiacritic, it's symbolic and means stuff. The film is a masterpiece by every definition of the word. It's almost as if the writers weren't even writing, but transcribing brilliance.

NC: Have you watched it recently? Like in the past ten years? It's just the eeny, teeny, bittiest dated.

Schmuck: I'll tell you what, Mr. Algiacritic, why don't you just explain why you do not like the movies.

NC: Okay, but only if you stop puckering your lips like that.

Schmuck: I make no promises.

NC: *sigh* (looking at the camera) All right, this is The Matrix.

Schmuck: Why are you looking over there?

NC: I dunno. Just feels right.

Schmuck: Ah.

NC: (vo) We start off in an era of film when the color green ruled the world for some reason, as secret agents arrive at a break in. And are so determined to convince you that they're "not" secret agents, that they actually wear sunglasses in the middle of the night. Maybe the Matrix is very bright?

Agent Smith: The orders were for your protection.

Cop: I think we can handle one little girl.

NC: (as the cop) I figure the more condescending I say it, the more ironic the following scene will be.

(cut to Trinity breaking loose from the officer trying to cuff her, then the camera circles the two as she jump kicks him in the chest)

NC: (vo) The person inside is Trinity, who likes to par-take in shots that at the time were awesome, but now just kinda seem weird and pointless. Perhaps it was done to show her legs look good from any angle?

NC: Which they do. They do.

NC: (vo) She outruns the cops and agents through effects that really don't hold up very well. and she's told to get to a phone, as it's her only exit to be teleported through.

(phone rings, as Trinity runs to beat the agent driving a dump truck)

NC: (vo) Have you ever wondered if just one time the ringing phone wasn't an exit, but instead was just a wrong number?

(Trinity answers the phone just as the truck crashes into the phone booth)

Rob: (as phone advertiser) Have you found Jesus?

NC: (as Trinity) Oh shit!

(truck crashes through the phone booth and into brick wall)

Rob: (as phone advertiser) Eh, never mind. Sounds like you just did.

(cut to Neo sleeping in front of his computer)

NC: (vo) We then cut to Keanu Reeves as Neo, a good looking hacker who's about to realize all his years of staying indoors on his computer is about to make him a badass action hero, as well as the Messiah. (beat) I think I'm starting to understand this films' fan base.

(cut to Neo doing a deal with a group of people)

Neo: Got the money?

Choi: Two grand.

(Neo hands a floppy disk to Choi)

Choi: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.

NC: Wow. You just said it. I mean there wasn't any like hidden messages or symbolism- No, you just said it! The film literally spelled out that he was the Messiah! (beat) What do the philosophy books have to say about that. (philosophy books about The Matrix appear, such as "Taking The Red Pill", "The Matrix And Philosophy", "Like A Splinter In Your Mind", and "Philosophers Explore The Matrix") You know, all those books that came out that were like "Philosophy and The Matrix! Ooh! What does it mean?"- W-What did they say at that point? (quote pops up saying "Confucius Say: Spend your Money Better") Ah. 

(next scene, Neo in a night club)

NC: (vo) So he goes to club I really wish Blade would shoot up, where he meets Trinity.

Neo: It was you on my computer. How did you do that?

Trinity: Right now, all I can tell you, is that you're in danger.

NC: (as Trinity) And that I literally have the same reaction throughout the entire film. No, really, you could impale me on metal wires, and I'd still have this face. But, let's not tempt fate.

Trinity: I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.

NC: ... He's a dork?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it will find you. If you want it to.

NC: (vo) So, Trinity leaves him with that essential vague book talk, when the next day at work, we see his boss tries to clarify to us more why his rebellious loser behavior is secretly inspired.

Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.

NC: (laugh) Can we just cut to every snobby authority figure who's ever given this speech to a young brilliant genius?

Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority.

(cut to Zed and Kay from Men in Black)

Zed: He's got a real problem with authority.

(back to The Matrix)

Rhineheart: That somehow the rules do not apply to you.

(cut to Dean Walcott and Patch from Patch Adams)

Walcott: You don't necessarily think the rules apply to you.

(back to The Matrix)

Rhineheart: Obviously, you are mistaken.

(cut to The Emperor, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi)

The Emperor: You will find that it is you who are mistaken.

NC: (as Rhineheart) And I hope in NO WAY your drumming to a different beat will save all of mankind. I have a bet going.

(cut to Neo in his cubicle, with a delivery man dropping off a package)

Fedex Guy: Package for Thomas Anderson?

Neo: Yeah. That's me.

NC: (vo) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, his name is Tom? I mean, I know he's given himself the name Neo, and that's what everybody calls him, but just kinda sucks out the epicness once you know that doesn't it? The fate of all mankind is in the hands of a guy named Tom! Fucking Tom! "What would Tom do?" "All praise savior Tom!" (laugh) Really, Tom?

Shmuck: Yes, but Neo is an anagram for One.

NC: Yes, but Tom is also an anagram for OMT: Oh my Tom.

Shmuck: Yes-

NC: And the Tom in that anagram is also an anagram for OMT: Oh my Tom.

Shmuck: I understand-

NC: And the Tom in that-

Schmuck: I get it-

NC: -anagram is also an anagram-

Schmuck: Very amusing-

NC: -for Oh my Tom!

Schmuck: You're funny-

NC: And the Tom in that ana-

Schmuck: Continue and I will liquidate your testicles!

NC: Okay...

(cut back to The Matrix)

Fedex Guy: Have a nice day.

NC: (as Neo) I will not wish you the same as I'm to angsty and important to do so.

(Neo opens the package, and finds a phone that starts ringing)

NC: (vo) So Tom gets a call from a man named Morpheus who says agents are after him.

(Agents enter Neo's office, as he ducks down in his cubicle)

Morpheus: (over the phone) The cubicle across from you is empty.

(Agents get closer to Neo's cubicle)

Neo: What if they-

Morpheus: (over the phone) Go! Now!

(Neo rushes into the cubicle next to his as the agents arrive)

NC: (vo) Really? W-wait a minute, let me just get this straight: All the Matrix's wiring, coding, endless connections, all of us being hooked up, and they're fucking outwitted by a goddamn cubicle wall?!

Schmuck: You must understand Mr. Algiacritic, all of the rebel fighters have been unplugged.

NC: But he isn't! Not yet!

NC: (vo) The Matrix is all controlled by machines; they can become anyone and do anything just through coding.

NC: Can't they just do like a code google search for Tom-

Schmuck: Please stop calling him that.

NC: -and find him that easily? I mean, just because he's behind a wall, doesn't mean his code still isn't there.

Schmuck: I don't think you comprehend how truly thick that cubicle wall is.

(cut to Neo being led by the agents to their car)

Schmuck: (vo) Anyway, as you can see, we ended up getting him.

Schmuck: It's not like he stood out like a-

NC: (as scene plays of Trinity watching them from her bike parked in front of them) (annoyed) Like the most wanted-(vo) woman you've been looking for, standing right next to you, drenched in leather and so loud, that you could actually call her a bullseye? Even with you looking RIGHT FUCKING AT HER?!

NC: Where's your cubicle wall on that one?!

Schmuck: ..... The Matrix is very glitchy. (NC sighs with exhaustion) Yyeeah.

NC: (vo) (The scene is in the room where Neo is interrogated by Agent Smith with other agents as his henchmen.) So he meets up with Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, who’s trying to find out the location of Morpheus.

Agent Smith: He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.

Neo: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap.

NC: (vo) When Tom refuses to tell him they give him the silent treatment and put a tracking device inside. But he is intercepted later by Trinity’s gang who wants to make sure they know where his loyalties lie.

Switch: (In the car, under the bridge, with rain pouring down outside.) Right now, there's only one rule. Our way... or the highway.

Trinity: (As Neo opens his door and moves like he is about to step out of the car.) Please, Neo, you have to trust me. Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. (Neo reconsiders after seeing Constantine movie poster and closes the door.)

NC: (vo) So they get the tracking device out of him by literally ripping it out of his stomach. And Reeves forgets to act like getting something ripped out of your stomach really fucking hurts.

(tracking device squirms around in its container)

Neo: Jesus Christ, that thing's real?!

NC: (as Neo) I mean, I know I should be screaming in agony, but I'm just so puzzled as to why you haven't attended my wound yet. I mean, you didn't even put a band-aid on it.

(Trinity tosses the tracking device out the window) (cut to Neo meeting Morpheus)

NC: (vo) So he finally meets Morpheus, as he's told what the Matrix is.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now in this very room. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church.

NC: It's God, Enlightenment, The Force, and Aslan all rolled into one!

(Morpheus opens both hands to Neo, revealing a blue and a red pill)

Morpheus: You take the blue pill, you wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland.

NC: (as Morpheus) It also relieves nighttime sneezing, sniffling, coughing, aching, fever, so you can see past reality.

(Neo takes the red pill) (cut to Neo being taken over by silver liquid material from a mirror)

NC: (vo) He starts to turn into the Tom 1000 simply by touching a mirror... which is never explained, but fucking get used to that, as he's teleported to a rebirth metaphor where one of the machines sees him waking up.

(Neo wakes up in a pod of pink liquid, as a machine grabs him by the throat)

NC: (as Neo) Are you my mommy?

(Neo gets unplugged and ejected down a chute)

NC: (vo) (as Neo is grabbed by a mechanic hand and lifted into the Nebuchadnezzar, then walked semi-conscious through the ship) He is flashed down to where they dump the other people who wake up where Morpheus and the gang are there to grab him… Which isn’t guarded at all, apparently! I mean… What the hell?.. Couldn’t just anyone hang out here to pick up unplugged people to join their army? Don’t you think there’d be just some security system letting the machines know that people are being picked up who woke up and are probably a little pissed off and might be starting an underground revolution? Why are all these things so resistant about looking behind a wall?