This Is All YOUR Fault

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. We're gonna do something a little bit different this week. First off, I wanna introduce you to someone.

(We cut to a clip of Kathryn in her wedding dress and a tiara)

Nash (vo): This is Kathryn. And while the tiara is ridiculous, this video is from her wedding, so it's all good. Mostly. Anyway, Kathryn is the one who does 90% of the research for the show. She's got the uncanny ability to find the worst, most painful crap on the internet. Which she then hands over to me.

Nash: While Kathryn does an incredible job, she's not the only one to look out for this type of madness. Lots of you have sent me stories of mankind run amok. Lots of you. Lots...and lots of you. Oh so many. So many horrible things you've sent me. Awful, freaking things. I mean, what are you trying to do, infect my dreams with such terrible bullshit that my brain leaks out of my nose!? Heh, heh, heh. Well, um, this week, we're going to look at some of the various and sundry bizarreness that you've put in my inbox. And trust me, we'll make sure everyone knows who's to blame for the forthcoming nightmares. Now while we normally do a brief history of the topic in question each week, doesn't exactly apply to this episode. With that in mind, we present you with the following Great Moment in Stupid History.

(We come to our cartoon, Great Moments In Stupid History)

Nash (vo): One upon a time, (the classic Doctor Who logo appears) the only place you could watch Doctor Who in the United States was PBS. (Stick Boy and Stick Girl are seen on a couch watching TV) Folks would curl up on the couch to see the adventures of everyone's favorite Time Lord (Tom Baker) as he did battle (a picture of a Cyberman is shown) with bubble wrap and tinfoil. But on November 22nd, 1987, viewers of Chicago's WTTW who expected Tom Baker and the Horror of Fang Rock, were treated to the following. And yes, this absolutely freaking happened.

(The episode is interrupted by Max Headroom, the audio very much garbled, leaving Stick Boy and Stick Girl very confused at what the hell they're watching, especially of him bending over to get spanked by a...fly swatter? The episode goes back to normal, though both Stick Boy and Girl's heads are blown right the hell up)

Nash (vo): To this day, no one knows who was responsible, why they did it, or what the hell it meant? But if you ever wanted to know where the Youtube Poop concept originated, there you go.

Nash: Just think. In 1987, the only place you could see something like that was through a hacked signal on public broadcasting. Now it's the basis for the entire internet. We've come so far. Right then, now that we've set the tone, let's dig into this week's first story. (he takes out his phone and pokes at it with a stylus) Ah. David Schwartz of Astoria, New York sends us the...wait. No. Bullshit.

(The report is titled "Woman says 3D porno made her pregnant")

Nash (vo): No, no, no. Bullshit! Is this the Onion? This is real? Bullshit!

Nash: Apparently, soldier's wife, Jennifer Johnson claimed a 3D porno made her pregnant. Bullshit! No way, nuh uh, nobody is this stupid! Nobody is this fucking stupid! Bullllshit! Her husband, Eric Johnson, says "anything is possible." Really? You think the illuminated image of another man's penis special touched your wife's vagina, now she's got a little celluloid bun in the oven? How? How the hell does that work? It's a movie! Movies don't work that way! Things can't come through the screen and touch you!

(We get a clip from Nightmare on Elm Street 3 as Freddy uses his powers to make a TV come to life and make a girl's head go through the screen, killing her)

Nash: Okay, except for that, but only because that movie fucking rules. Let's hope the actual real sperm donor for Jennifer's little 3D miracle has a higher IQ than the parents to be, which would be about...hm, what is this IQ of crabgrass anyway? Well then, let's see what's next this week.