The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed

Opening
NC: Well, here's a list you've probably been waiting a long time for. It's the top 11 worst movies I've ever reviewed. I've looked through all the episodes again, I've gone through all the ones I've done and these are the ones that just make me cringe, the worst of the worst. Now, let me clarify what I mean by worst of the worst. It's not necessarily a film that's so bad, it's enjoyable, so actually, you're not gonna see The Room on here or some of those other ones. It's more films that just thinking about them makes me cringe. I just want to punch something thinking about these movies. They're just ones that like offend me, that just get me in my deepest core of anger. So, with that said, as I feel I always have to, you know, put a lot of focus on, is that if you like these movies, great. Doesn't mean you're an idiot, doesn't mean you're a horrible person or anything. Everybody likes things for different reasons. These are the ones that just kill me. These are up with like some of the worst movies I've ever seen pretty much. You could almost call this the top 11 worst films I've ever seen. There's probably one or two others but these are pretty damn close so without further ado these are the (text showing his next words appear on screen) top 11 Nostalgia Critic reviewed movies I hate the most.

''Nostalgia Critic, dressed as Darth Vader from The OTHER Animated Titanic review screams "No!". This serves as the interlude to the countdown.''

#11: Patch Adams
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number eleven...Patch Adams. Now I've already gone on about this before in the top 11 favorite reviews. I don't want to go too long about it.

Doug: I hate that Robin Williams formula. I like Robin Williams. He's an unbelievable talent. I hate the Robin Williams formula especially when it's connected to a real person. A real person who is actually pretty fascinating. And I hate that...I'm so glad we're kind of moving past it now and he's moving past it now and he's trying to do some other stuff whether it's better or worse but I mean he's at least moving past it. This movie just fills me to the core with anger because it's based on a fascinating person. Those clichés are so God awful. I hate that speech at the end, I hate the (haughty voice) professor who just doesn't get the joke and just "I do not agree with you." and stuff. (normal voice) You know, he might have some legitimate points. You know, why not make it even? Why not level it out? That dumbass scene at the end when they all come in with the red noses. Are you fucking kidding me? That was so awful! Ooh, and all this shit they made up. They turned his best friend into a romantic lead and made him female, it just...DAH! How am I trusting a movie that can't even get a gender right? Or that fact that he was the love interest, I ju...Doh! Ooh. Next one.

#10: The Haunting
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number ten...The Haunting. Again, I know I've gone on about this one before it was in the top 11 favorite reviews.

Doug: Don't worry. They're not all gonna be ones that were like my top 11 favorite reviews. Uh, but again, I-I hate this one because I love the original and even if you didn't see the original, it you're just watching it on it's own, CG is not scary and this is at the time when they were really exploiting it like hell and they really thought that any CG they could throw at you would just look like real life. Like "Oh, wow! Yes, the ghost is really coming out at you and the statues are really moving.". You know, like they...like we don't know what CG is and we can't tell when it kind of looks fake. Uh, and because we have CG, we don't have to rely on clever characters or good storytelling or leave it the fuck alone because it's already perfect. So, really, despite that Catherine Zeta Jones is in it...she's still a hottie. Um, and the woman who plays the main...Oh, what's her name? Ah! I'm forgetting the woman who plays the lead's name. She was good. She was a good replacement. Um, but man is that a terrible, God awful movie that goes against everything that's not only good about the original, but is psychologically thrilling and adds a lot of character and creates a good story. And it's a good gothic story. And this is just like, you know (getting angry) fairytale, children telling, bullshit, ass, fuck, shit...(catches himself) See what it's doing to me? So, OK. I've gone on about that enough. Next one.

#9: Moulin Rouge
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number nine...Moulin Rouge. Okay. Last one that was on my Favorites list. As a lot of you know, this is actually my favorite review that I've ever done.

Doug: Not just because of the movie, but because just everything went into it. I think it's the funniest, I think it's the most visually interesting, it's musical, awesome. Um, but I really still despise this movie and I know a lot of people like it. That was part of the fun of doing it is that making people who even liked it at least see the flaws or at least where people who don't like it are coming from. I think what gets me about films like this and some other films on this list is when someone thinks they're saying something really new and really revolutionary and they're doing it in just a whole new way that makes you look at something in a totally different way, but it's been done so much to death that it's practically in our fairy tales, that's practically in Disney films. You know, that are shown to us when we're little kids. You hear something that's supposed to be for adults, and it's not treating us like adults. It's treating us like we're hearing these basic fairytales for the first time except with some sort of modern twist on it that doesn't even make it, you know, more memorable or more new. If anything, it makes it so much older. And, this film is so good at that. And at celebra-it's so good at celebrating itself. It's so good at saying "Look at what we're doing. Aren't we poetic?". Uh, and it's either going to work for you or it's not. It worked for a lot of people. Um, I think even a lot of people who liked it though sort of liked the style over substance and acknowledged they get more sucked into the world and the sets and, uh...the environment of it. Uh, and not as much the story. Most people. You know, some people really liked the story, too. Uh, but for me, I just feel like I've seen this so many times and just when somebody who does have such this visual, I mean brilliance! The movie looks brilliant! And I love the setting and I love the world and I love the way they're kind telling the story. It's just a God awful story and God awful characters. And I hate it when somebody is so talented in one realm. You know, but when it comes to the most important, which really is the story and the characters...you know, they just fall flat and they... (getting angry) they feel like they're saying something new and they're not! We've seen it a million times! I just bite my fist with...Argh! Mmm! And just, the ending... (calms down) Okay, okay. It's (chuckles) I'm really sorry. I'm not giving much of an analysis on this, I'm just getting angry, but you're probably enjoying that, too. Um, so, yeah, I know a lot of people like it. Boy, do I hate it. And it was so tough watching it again. It's like the first sort of 20-30 minutes, eh, you're kinda getting into a little bit of the style and the sets, but then, after it wears off, you're just like "Oh my God, did they really expect you take this so seriously?". Mmm! Just...not a fan. No-not a fan of the movie.

#8: The Cell
(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number eight...The Cell. And this goes back to right what I saw saying about Moulin Rouge, a film that thinks it's much more poetic and much more important.

Doug: But it's not delivering on it. It-It's sort of delivering on the visuals, which are very interesting, and even, I mean, I guess to some extent, I'll give it some credit for TRYING to go to this really dark area that most movies wouldn't go but it's...it's not smart. And it's not considerate. It's not thinking about what, you know, serial killers really go through and instead, you know, they try to create this visual realm which is so fucking ingenious. I was really hyped to see this movie. Uh, and they create this visual realm that would actually show you what's going on in the person's mind, which is really kinda cool. But's it's mostly just there's a bad guy, just evil in there. And again, when you're just creating a villain that isn't complicated, that isn't, you know, complex and is just, you know, a bad seed, even if it's in the person's mind and I get that. I know they're saying that, you know, well, this person is very complex and here are the complexities, but even the complexities are not complex! They're just, you know, it's a guy with horns going (speaking gravely) "I've killed boy." (normal) You know, just turning into the bug from Men in Black. And for me, the psychology of people that do these terrible things and the film is really trying to dive into these terrible things that this guy does and why he does it, you know, you could say it in two seconds: bad childhood. (snaps his fingers) Done. You know, it doesn't make me experience it really because I never know what he's like as a normal person. I go into the review very deep into that. Uh, why I don't feel sorry for the guy because we just see him as the monster. I think at one point, you see him as a little kid, but tell me. What was he like as a little kid? Really. Wha-what games did he play? Who are his friends? Where, uh, where did he hang out? What did he do as a child? The most they is that he played with dolls and that's just in a line of dialogue. We know NOTHING about this guy. For a film that tries to dive so deep into him, all we ever get out of it is that he was beaten as a child. We get nothing else. One of the worst psychological studies ever. And I appreciate also that it's trying to do it almost all visually. You know, sort of the Stanley Kubrick route where you look at, you know, a script that has all this dialogue. You just rip out half the dialogue and just tell it visually. People who can do that are so inspired and they use the visual medium of film making but this movie did not catch on and it felt...I don't know what the guy was going for or not, but it felt unbelievably exploitive. And not in a fun, oh-ha-ha-ha, like, you know, "No, I'm really gonna take you into the darkest, deepest realms of everything.". But it's...it just feels like, again, you know, he's just shouting (exploitive voice) "Ask me what it means! I'm complex! I'm tortured! You should look at me and go "Ooh! He's an artist! He understands things that I cannot!"". But it's just, you know...maybe if it was more like the David Lynch route. Now even the story doesn't support that. David Lynch wouldn't have like a machine that goes inside the guy's mind. It would just...just the whole movie would be inside the guy's mind. Like that's going balls all out. You know, but when you get Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn and you have this stylistic world where the cops wear the shades and they look and they obsess over the killers and stuff, I mean it's like, no that's movies. And you're not...but it-it's clichéd Hollywood movies and you're not making the movies, you know...where you're really trying to push the envelope. You know, with the story and the way you're telling the story. You know, I mean, I...honestly, I'd love to see if, you could argue here everybody has, I'd love to see someone like David Lynch do a movie like this, you just take out the cop element. You know, or trying to find someone in time. You just make it where you just go inside a killer's mind. And that's it. And I don't even know if you'd say it was a killer's mind. It could mean anything to anyone. I mean, I'd like...if you're gonna be all interpretive and shit, go all out. Don't put, you know, this concrete story and when you go into the mind, it's like "oh, what does it mean? What does it mean?". No, you can't do that. You know, you have to...if you're gonna really be engulfed in a world, you have to engulf the person in the world. You can slowly, you know, move them into it or suck them into it. Again, Kubrick was very good at that. I think Lynch still makes, uh, a, to some extent, is very good at that. But, with a movie like this where here's the machine, you're in the guy's mind, now you're out of the guy's mind and stuff. How much fun would it be if they came out of the person's mind and... they weren't sure. Like if they were out of the mind or if they were not in his mind or if they were in the real world or whatever. Maybe they start hallucinating and stuff like that. How about the after effects of going in the killer's mind? It's like that's...I'm writing a much better movie right now just being angry at it. You know, so, it, just, oh! What you could have done with this movie and, uh, it just came of as this exploitive, artistic, look-at-me pretentious. I know a lot of people who like it. So, if you do, that's just the effect it had on me, that's how it rubbed off on me. I just, ooh, really hate it.

#7: Baby Geniuses
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number seven...Baby Geniuses. How could the motherfucking director of A Christmas Story have made this ass?

Doug: Even Baby Geniuses 2, I can understand a little bit more 'cause there was SOME creativity. So-It was terrible, but there was a little something to it, a little imagination, this was, again, it's almost like they just discovered CG technology so they really think we're gonna be fooled by this, even children are gonna be fooled by this. And just this idea that they can just throw this crap at us a-and poop jokes and diaper jokes and-and wide-angle lens where (leans towards the camera) people are up to it like this (pulls back) I mean are not avant-garde. Danny DeVito did that a lot by the way. I'm sorry. I'm getting sidetracked. Um, as a director is what I mean. But wide-angle lens are great. I totally, you know, exploit the wide-angle lens. I'm using a wide-angle lens right now. Uh, and I love it and it's, it can create so much but when you're just - (leans towards the camera) when you're this close and the person's talking, you know, and it's like this the whole time. (pulls back) And there's just no point! Why? Why? Why? You know, it doesn't make us uncomfortable, it's not avant-garde, it's just silly, stupid, and dated! Everybody was doing it in like in the 90's and the early 2000's. Eh, mostly 90's, not really the early 2000's. Uh, early 2000's was the tilted angle which I also very much exploit but (chuckles) I...(grunts) I try to get some variation, but it's not about me, it's about Baby Geniuses. Fuck Baby Geniuses! I...what bothers me about this movie is not only how STUPID the premise is, you know, that these babies can talk and everything, or if you're gonna do it, make it kind of smart. You know, but it's just poop jokes and pee jokes. That's really about it. Um, it's the fact that film obviously looks very rushed. It probably was. Um, and they're-they're using editing effects that I use. You know, I don't have much - I don't have the budget that Baby Geniuses has, okay? And they're - I'm recognizing these editing effects, I'm like "Dude, I do that for like my crummy reviews.", you know, and how...how it...why is it you guys get to get away with that? It's like I can notice it, I...no. Um, and, you know, the editing effects of the babies talking when obviously they couldn't afford to put the mouth-talking so they...or they couldn't afford to actually spend the time to have the babies learn their lines which...understandable. They're babies. That's the other huge problem. They're fucking babies! I don't want to see children put to that much work in this, I mean it's like I feel dirty watching it! I don't know what they did to them or maybe they were fine to them but it's like - it's fucking babies! You can't create a character in a baby that's like supposed to be an adult unless you really take the time to make them talk or act. You ever seen Babe: Pig in the City? That was fucking...I believe those animals were talking! It was unbelievable! I fell for that fucking ape when the clown was taken away and he's by the window and he's just hanging like "Good God, what happened?". That was...and that's fucking animals! These are human beings! And somehow, they pulled that off! So...I'm really getting sidetracked on this one. Uh, the big thing I was saying before is that not only is it really lame and really stupid and technically it's not well put together, uh, and the camera effects are really weird, it's like they're trying to scare us half the time. Why I don't know. It's in scenes where it's not even supposed to be scary. Um, but it's so boring. It's ungodly boring. This is like one of the movies where we just...my brother and I when we were watching it, we were just looking at our watch over and over and over. It's just...I think it's only like an hour and half long, it feels like five! It just feels like such a fucking long movie. And big hit at the box office. Made a sequel. Surprisingly better. I guess they learned some lessons. Um, still stupid. But...it was really tough, it was tough doing the review because I'm just like "What the hell can I say about this?" but luckily it's one of the few times where it's like "Oh, I'm going to a con. Maybe I can work that in.". That really helped out. But it was a tough one, it was tough to sit through, it was tough to write for. It was a God awful, really...(growls in frustration) Baby Geniuses!

#6: Inspector Gadget
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number six...Inspector Gadget. And I'll just say it right now: I watched Inspector Gadget(the show) growing up.

Doug: It's nothing special. The-the coolest thing in the show is the girl and the book. You know, that shit was cool. I...why didn't they ever make the show about her? Why didn't they make a movie about her? They should make a movie out of Penny. Somebody made like that fake trailer with just Penny and, like, you know, Inspector Gadget was like destroyed and the Terminator thing that crushed him like in Robot Chicken or something, it's just Penny's story. Why did that Robot Chicken sketch end there? It should have kept go...I'm really getting sidetracked today, I'm sorry. OK, Inspector Gadget. Uh, you know, not the world's greatest cartoon but, whatever, it wasn't insulting. It was kind of obviously for little kids. It had some intelligence, you know, and you had that smart character. You had the girl. It was great. Um, you know, and even the dog was kind of smart and Inspector Gadget, for kids, you know, was an enjoyable stupid person. Uh, I don't know what the movie's trying to do and I don't think the director cared about the cartoon. It really seemed like something where it's just a director who never heard about the cartoon didn't bother to really learn much about it, just sort of watch it and said "Oh God, I gotta do this? OK, let's try to get through it, let's try to blah-blah-blah.". Um, and I don't know, it's like when you're going into subject material even if you're not familiar with, like Bryan Singer, most of the actors going into X-Men did not know X-Men. But, you know what they did? They watched all the fucking cartoons. They read the comics. I mean, they looked into it so that when they made a choice, you know, they were keeping aware "OK, will this...is this still keeping true to the essence of something?". This clearly didn't. And it's not like it's that complicated a story to keep following. It's the same formula every time. You know, if you just did that formula in the movie, you'd probably be OK, but, uh, no they did...I don't know what they did. It... They made D. L. Hughley a car. What? When did the car talk? It didn't. Penny barely has a role. That was like your hero. You know, she barely does anything. Where's that fucking book? Where's the watch? Oh, the watch comes in at the end. The dog talks in the end. Well, the dog never really talked, but... and when he did, he didn't sound like Don Adams. That was...and he wasn't hitting his head on the fridge. What was that? Did you remember that scene at the end when it's like the dog talks, he's like hitting his head on the fridge. Why? You really didn't have another shot? Or you couldn't CG the dog? There's enough CG in there. Uh, okay, Matthew Broderick, who, again, I'm sure is a sweet guy, I'm sure he's really nice. I just can't stand him as an actor. Uh, it just does not do a thing for me. Every time he's on... No. I can't think of a thing. the closest is Ferris Bueller and even then, I mean, he's supposed to be the cool kid, and I thought he was a little bit of a dweeb. But, you know, that worked okay, he had some charm. I never saw him in anything else good after that. Except that episode of Louie where he was directing Godfather 4. That, that was a great cameo. That was good. But I digress again. Um, he-he's not Inspector Gadget, he's not very engaging. Uh, I always feel like I'm watching Matthew Broderick act as never a character. Rupert Everett? What the fuck? Who came up with that brilliant idea? How menacing could you have made Dr. Claw in this movie with the technology we have today. And that CG I keep complaining about. Imagine that hand. Imagine the cat. You could make like a really cool evil cat or something like that. This is one of those movies that actually they probably should remake. They should remake it, scrap Gadget, just make it about Penny. You know, and she has a dog, you know, just like a real dog, but make it like a badass dog, like a, I don't know, a pit bull or something, I have no idea, just some badass dog, you know, "Brain, sic 'em!" and he eats the fuck out of them. You could make this a badass movie. I want someone to make that fake trailer where it's just like Penny, or Gadget, or whatever, uh, or Penny and Brain, I, OK, that sounds pretty stupid but you could make a fake trailer out of that and make it pretty cool. Um, so, yeah, I, the CG is stupid, the way the story is told, it really feels like just there's a lot of scenes they had but they didn't have the budget to film the rest or the time so they threw it in somewhere. It's...a lot of the movie feels like that. And just, it just feels like there's not much control while you're watching it. And there's not much focus and that these people didn't...they must have seen Inspector Gadget but they didn't care enough to really try and represent the show. Like it was more cartoony than the cartoon. You know, I mean it was like insultingly cartoony. You know, where the cartoon at least was trying to mimic some form of everyday life you know for kids. This was trying to mimic a cartoon world that was already a cartoon world but make it more cartoony 'cause it's in reality, I don't know. This movie has made me not make words, sentences that I can complete formally in this period. So, uh, yeah, did not like this movie. Real...yeah.

#5: Biodome
(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number five...Biodome. This is one of those films where just when I think about an unpleasant experience watching a movie, I just think of this film.

Doug: I think it's obvious I'm not a Pauly Shore fan. A lot of people aren't. But there was just...you know, when something was popular and the people throwing money at it clearly don't know WHY it's popular or HOW it's popular and they make a movie on that not knowing why something is popular so not knowing what makes it good or what made it succeed. You're just gonna get crap. You have to understand a little bit about why something is, you know, is a success. And I think they had no idea what to do with Pauly Shore and one of the Baldwins. You know, I think Pauly Shore was just on his way down at that point. I mean, it was just at the point where it's like he hit his peak and then it was starting to really decline. But, whatever, I'm sure he's under contract, they had the movie, they had the set built. So, it's just these two people walking around in their annoying voices, you know, screaming and yelling and just acting like dicks. You actually kinda feel sorry for the scientists in this movie. I mean, the guy who's actually trying to, you know, Walter Peck, who's trying to accomplish, you know, thi-this goal of science, and trying to prove something and these assholes come in. They're not charming, they're not likable, and it's just like, you feel sorry for the scientists and maybe that's the-the goal. I mean, he like cracks at the end or maybe they try to sort of turn him into the bad guy, but it's like, no, this is not fun, it's not like "Oh, these people are so enjoyably stupid.". No, they're just annoying and they're mugging to the camera like mad and they (growling with anger through clenched teeth) think they're gettin' good laughs and they're not, they're just making me (grabs a marker, opens it and pretends to stab his eye with it) want to take this marker, open it, stab it in their eye! (puts the marker away, calms down, and talks normally) And it's every - I think one of the most controversial jokes I had is that every time a syllable comes out of their mouth, to me it sounds like a child getting shot and I actually have the sounds in there which is - it's probably one of the most controversial I did since, uh, the-the Tank Girl joke with the starving kids. Um, something about child violence, which of course, I'm against but, uh, it's like that's how much something can hurt me. It's that I hear the sounds, so it's always like - don't take it too seriously. Uh, I'm not pro... violence against children, I think it's obvious. Um, but, yeah, it really, just every time they open their mouth, every time they try to attempt a joke, and it's just... I don't know what the movie was doing, I don't know what the movie knew what it was doing. It bombed. Thank God.

#4: Felix the Cat
(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number four...Felix the Cat: the Movie. And this is one that I got like lots of people telling me "You gotta do Felix the Cat: the Movie. It's so terrible, it's so terrible." and...

Doug: I'll be honest I was sort of thinking "How terrible can it be? Felix the Cat? I mean what?". And it...again, just total nonsense and noise and yelling and animation that doesn't make sense did not have much control, the story...whatever it was, it was so...you know, it was hard to follow, it gets sidetracked a million times. There's a song about foxes for a second and then you never see them again, I mean, what was the point of that? All the...all the voices sound like they were horribly dubbed and I don't know if it was made somewhere else. But, I mean, it's...it's like watching those Popeye cartoons where the voices never match what they're saying, but where that was actually kinda funny and enjoyable, this was Satan's pubic hair, just made you want to kill yourself watching it and rip your ears out. The color scheme was horrible, these creatures are just...it's kind of like in the Scooby-Doo movie where there's just too much to look at. I-it's the same thing with these creatures. It's like maybe one could get a good design but it just looks like someone (grabs the marker and opens it) took a pen, just sort of went (waves the marker at the camera, pretending to scribble and making a weird noise), gave it eyes and that's a creature. (closes the marker and puts it down) You know, it's - and when you have a million of those running around, and just screaming and yelling and just ugly yellows and ugly oranges and just not a good color scheme. And just constant noise and...you know, that dumbass princess character should be queen but again likes to keep the title, it's just - I know I go rants about that, it's my weird thing. But, it - that's just a pet peeve on mine. And Felix is just annoying and has that Mickey Mouse wannabe voice. And, what the hell else can I say about it? It, it was so unpleasant, it was so BORING. And for animation that's just constantly moving and just constantly jumping around and stuff like that. OK, good example of where that can work if it's controlled and it's smart. Uh, say Hotel Transylvania, that's some of the most energized animation I've ever seen but it knew when to stop, it knew when to take a rest, it knew when to be still. You know, it knew that during, you know, the softer moments, you know, it needed to slow down, it needed to be a little calmer, it knew how to have a good color scheme, it knew how to do all this other stuff. Uh, this is just constant, it's this! (waves his arms at the camera) the whole time. If you like looking at this and something going (leans towards the camera and laughs high-pitched like Felix)... that's Felix the Cat. That's the movie. You know, if that's your thing, you'll love it. You know, (gives a thumbs-up) enjoy! Just don't talk to me.

#3: Little Monsters
(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number three...Little Monsters. I saw this movie in the theaters. Let me tell you, I didn't like it when I saw it as a kid. I forgot how UNPLEASANT this movie is.

Doug: It was sort of trying to cash in on that wild, you know, crazy, supernatural guy who was a fast talker and, you know, was a little bit of a rebel but, you know, would also do impressions and stuff, you know, the Beetlejuice, the Aladdin genie and stuff like that. Uh, and Howie Mandel was there. I feel...(sighs) I feel bad for Howie Mandel in this movie 'cause you can tell he's trying, he's really trying to get something in there. But it's just...there's no direction. There's no - "Kind of do it like this or like that or whatever" and the whole movie sort of feels like that, like there's just not much of a direction in it. Um, once in a while you get a cool visual but even then, they're...they're fucking creepy for little kids. I mean, like, I felt this probably should've been like a PG-13 probably. Uh, and it's unpleasant to look at, even if the makeup is kind of cool on a lot of these creatures, it's just not fun to look at. And the idea's fun. I like the idea of monsters being under the bed, you go under there, there's a whole magical world and stuff like that. Um, it does drive me nuts everybody thinks Monsters Inc. did that first. There's like a dozen ideas that did that. Um, but I like that one, I like that it's under the bed. The bed leads to this underground world. Uh, and you can go other beds and whatever. Um, but, yeah, the underground world isn't that impressive. You know, it's all red. Take some advice. Just nothing - shining a red light on something is not fun to look at. Uh, unless, you know, unless you're trying to create like an uncomfortable atmosphere like in Star Trek or like in Aliens or something like that. When it's a kid's story and this place is supposed to be really attractive, you want to hang out there, it's... Who the hell would want to hang out here? It's a horrible looking place. You know, you have red eye or something 'cause you're eyes are seeing nothing but red. Um, so, you got this movie, Fred Savage is obviously acting too adult. They're just doing nasty things to kids. Like, even as a kid watching it, I wasn't laughing that hard. I mean, it's sort of when you see them starting to put this stuff together, it's like "Oh, tee-hee, ha-ha. They're just kind of being rapscallions." but the Saran wrap on the toilet, I'm like "What the hell?!". That's like even little kids are just like (high voice) "Dude, you've gone too far. That's...you are fucked up!" (normal voice) That is just nasty! I don't even think, like, you'd have to convince Jackass to do something like that. Like, you know, "Oh, dude, that's totally gross, let me think about it, OK, let's do it.". I mean, they'd do it, but they have to think about it for a minute. Um, and I don't even remember who the bad guy is or what the plot really was, I mean, I remember something about trying to get a brother back. You know, but it's just so...not fun to watch and it's just this bad feeling you have watching the whole film and there's just no charm to it and it's just angry and bitter and-and very vengeful. And I don't know what we were supposed to learn in the end, if anything and it's just this...just creates bad feelings for me all around.

#2: Drop Dead Fred
(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number two...Drop Dead Fred. At some point I was sort of saying to myself "You know, there's a creative idea in here.". It's like, you know, OK, to take the idea...this girl who has an imaginary friend that...

Doug: I think she's created, I'm not sure, but, uh, at some point, whether mental or literally, the best friend is put away by the mother who says "You cannot do this anymore, no more of this." and-and from that point on, it's a very strict life, very, you know, not fun stuff, and very rule-oriented and very controlled by the mother. And then years, later, again, whether it be mental or literally physical, the friend comes back. Maybe it sparks a memory, maybe it sparks a hallucination. You know, or maybe it's really going on. Who knows? Maybe she's doing all this crazy stuff and all this crazy childhood insanity has come back and it's not filtered and it has avengence and stuff, like...that's a pretty cool fucking sounding movie! Honestly, when I heard, 'cause you keep hearing they're gonna remake it, remake it! You can make a good movie out of this! That's a really clever idea. I don't know what the ass shit this is! This is like...They-they get this guy who I KNOW can be a good actor. This guy has, uh, you know, he was in a lot of British TV and stuff, he can be very funny and very clever. Actually, even at the end, when he has to do his good-bye scene, like he's not that bad. Um, but they just make him do horrible shit without much focus. I mean, and stuff that's not really fun for kids is just kind of gross for adults. And constantly making references to like, you know, looking up women's dresses and stuff like that, saying (imitates Fred while pointing upward) "Look, no panties! Ha ha!". I mean, just these...First of all, what little girl had these kind of thoughts? I mean like where she has this like sex hungry addict guy, you know, like triple her age that, you know, is sort of, looks kind of like...I don't know what he looks like, just some sort of monster pedophile thing, I mean, this girl must have been really messed up to think this person up or maybe, 'cause I think they are implying that he actually does exist. It's like a world of imaginary creatures and stuff. That's stupid. But, (sighs and taps his hand on the arm of his chair) I just, I remember all these visuals, again going back to the crazy fast-talker who's a bit of a rebel. Um, you know, with the Little Monsters, and Beetlejuice and stuff like that. This was again trying to cash in on that with a bit of an adult edge but it's just really...I mean part of having an adult edge is that, yes, kids can think very cruel and very, uh, immature obviously, but there is still a charm to it, there's this charm of not understanding, this charm of learning to it and this is just... nastiness. I mean, just pure nastiness, you don't like this guy. All the other characters are just fucking nuts!

#1: Garbage Pail Kids
(Interlude)

Doug(vo): And the number one worst movie I've ever reviewed is...Garbage Pail Kids.

(Doug holds his hand over his face is despair.)

Doug: When I was a child, wee boy, I really wanted to see this movie bad. I LOVED the cards. The cards I thought were so awesome. I was a boy, it was like my job to like gross stuff that was creative and crazy and making fun of girly toys which was even better. I pleaded, PLEADED with my mom to see this movie. I said "Please let me see Garbage Pail Kids. PLEASE let me see Garbage Pail Kids. I will DIE if I don't see Garbage Pail Kids.". She never let me see it. She was pretty strict about movies back then and even like a PG rating was just too much. That's back when PG ratings actually fucking meant something. And she said no. I had to plead...I think I held my breath to finally see Roger Rabbit and even she was like "No, it would be a crime not to show him Roger Rabbit even though it's a lot of stuff I disagree with.", but Garbage Pail Kids, no. She didn't go see it. She just saw it, saw the PG rating, saw how dumb the movie was and how it looked, said "No, you are not seeing this.". (sigh) I, by all the heavenly blessings, thank my mother for stopping me from seeing this movie. Because, I'm very convinced that this movie...would've taken away half my brain. I would have gotten STUPIDER watching this movie. 'Cause I'm not convinced I didn't when I saw it as an adult so imagine what it could do to me as a child, this little impressionable child that has the whole world, you know, waiting for him, both the good and the bad. But I didn't think this bad. I didn't think something this...ugly! That's the word I can use to describe this film: UGLY! It, every...the point of the film, I think, is supposed to be that no matter what you look like or how you act, I guess, that there is no such thing as ugly and everyone should be accepted for how they look. I think is what they're trying to get across possibly with other messages that can fuck me in the ass. This film is every definition of the word "ugly". It is...the point of it was to prove that, you know, there's no such thing as ugly. This convinced me there is ugly. There is horrendously, God awful ugly in the world as it's all compiled in this movie. This is not only the worst movie I've ever reviewed, this is just the worst movie I've ever seen. It's worse than Manos. I'll tell you why. First off, it's for kids. Fuck you that you think this kids' entertainment. I mean, it's like Drop Dead Fred at least had a PG-13. This is obviously trying to be a kid's film and just insulting everything that is good and decent and pure about growing up and trying to be inspired by something of a charismatic world and (gets angry as he speaks) it just wants to take that away and break it over it's knee and FUCK IT LIKE IT'S...(catches himself) So that's one thing. The second thing is that Manos at least has the distinction...of having no budget, of being made by nobody. You know, that it's just, whatever, I heard it was like a farmer that just like got some money together and made this piece of shit. This has a budget. This was based on a very successful product, the Garbage Pail Kids cards. It had to have some people that kinda knew what they were doing. I mean, they could frame a shot better than Manos. So...how could you, how could you get something this bad? How could you make something this horrendous for the youth of America? I don't care if it's trying to cash in. You know, stuff tries to cash in. Michael Bay, he-he's a fucking A-whore. You know, I mean, but at least, again, at least it's a PG-13. He knows that the demographic is dumb, 13-year-old boys who want to put their penis in anything they see. Here, this is for children. It's, it's...and I understand a little bit trying to feed into, you know, the adolescence. You know, kids like poo-poo jokes and they like pee-pee jokes and we loved the cards! The cards were hilarious and they were creative. Nothing in this film makes sense. Nothing is charming, nothing is fun to look at. The acting is all God awful. The bullies are like in their 30's. What are they doing chasing this little kid who's probably not even in high school yet? He can call the cops. I mean, this isn't like "Hey, I'm gonna call your mom and dad on you.". I mean, they probably have jobs. The probably, you know, have social security numbers that you can look up, say "Here's where they live. Arrest them.". Very easy to track down. I'm sure they dress like, you know, Tarzan meets Grease. They wear the dumbest outfits that are like, you know...like I said before, Tarzan meets Grease. And, and, this...the woman that the boy falls in love with...you know, again, I don't know if they're supposed to be in high school or whatever. I mean, but it's like, yeah, in the same way, yeah the cast of 90210, they were in high school, sure. You know, even high schoolers wouldn't do something this stupid! Wouldn't go after this boy and take his lunch money. Get a fucking job or the, what was it, it was like...Even the plot was so stupid You got the Garbage Pail Kids are good at making clothes? What? How...When would these things, these abominations learn how to sew? Who picks that up? Especially looking at that, and they can all do it. What even are they? Are they aliens? We see a spaceship fly by but it's never referenced. We never know if they're aliens or just ugly things or whatever...The (gets angry and waves and slaps his hands on his legs) STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY?! Are you fucked?! Who...(spins around in his chair waving his arms angrily) WHO DOES THAT?! Who makes a State Home for the Ugly and expects us to buy it?! Why is Gandhi in the State Home for the Ugly? Why is, why is Abraham Lincoln in the State Home for... Santa Claus? Really? That's like the most charming icon you can put in anything. They put Santa Claus in the State...Where...(points to his head, signaling his brain)Where was this? Where was this when any of this was being written? When any of this was being filmed. A-and, they're constantly trying to, like the guy, the main guy who I guess is supposed to be like the whimsical bullshit, whatever he is. He's British, so he must be whimsical in a kid's film, that's their logic. You know, where was he when he says you know "It's not about how you look, it's about what's inside and what's bla-bla-bla" and then later, he's like "You think they bought it?". Well, fuck you! Why do you still have these kids? Why is he, why are they still in a pail? The-the-they go an-they're constantly threatening other people with like a knife, this one kid has a knife. Nice! That's a good lesson for kids. You know and whatever, they do the typical stuff like, they puke and stuff like that. This one kid pees his pants like eight times. 'Cause you know the first one was gold. We have to really keep showing that. 'Cause that'll just make us laugh even m-even more. And it's, it's mean. It's rotten. It's clearly not for kids. You know, even though they're advertising it as for kids. It's written for kids probably by kids. Fuck it, kids could write something better than this. And it's got the 80's bullshit going on with the 80's fashion that looks horrendous. It's all shot very dark, probably so you can't see the lame ass puppeteers going on. All the kids look like this.

(Doug imitates one of the faces, with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging open.)

Doug: And their mouths never fully close. They just (with his mouth wide open) talk like this. 'Cause I can talk like this. (normal) Horrible puppets!

(Doug slams his fist and then grunts in frustration.)

Doug: It literally makes me cringe thinking about it. It's just the most awful movie I can imagine. As you can see, I've seen some really bad movies. And like I said I think what projects it into that special level of awful, ahem, is, I mean, you probably noticed, I'm very protective of kids. I don't think we should just, like oh, throw any shit at kids. You know, I mean, I really want them to get the best that we can offer 'cause they're going to...That's one of the most...developed, that's when you can, you know, shape them into something good and strong and proud and you're-you're...You're gonna throw Garbage Pail Kids at 'em? Shame on you! I-I just get really insulted when you have something that's not only dumb. I mean, beyond dumb. But is so cruel. And so dark and so harsh. And for no purpose. For no greater good. Nothi-I've yet-I don a panel on a lot of these cons called "Movies Everyone Disagrees with You On" where I try to make the point that you know, what I always say, if you like a film and everyone else doesn't, you know, still like it.

(Scenes from the movie are shown.)

Doug(vo): You know, and talk about it. You can learn about the person. And I've heard some of the strangest movies that people like.

(Back to Doug.)

Doug: You know, and I never go "Oh! What's wrong with you? Oh, shame on you, ugh.". I can't stand people like that. I say "Why? Tell me about it." and you find out about that person. I never heard anyone that liked Garbage Pail Kids. I never heard anyone that was even like "It's so stupid, I just gotta enjoy it.". No, it-it's just...it's the Holocaust of cinema. You know, it's just the ungodly, most awful, it's horribly written, it's horribly directed, it's horribly acted. I don't know if there was effort put into this. I-I feel bad for the people that were roped into this and had to make those costumes, those God awful costumes, the...I-it-it's violent, it's, you know, cruel, it makes fun of...these creatures, not kids, CREATURES, that are constantly trying to prove that you know things...it doesn't matter if you don't look that good or not, you're still people inside and everything, ARE CONSTANTLY MAKING FUN OF HOW EVERYBODY LOOKS! They're constantly being mean and horrible to everybody. Where am I supposed to like them? Where am I supposed to be like "Oh, yeah, they're human beings. They should be treated with respect. They're li...". Whe-wha-point to me that moment. Was it the pointless song sequence where again they don't move their mouths so we don't even know if they're really singing. You know, where, because they sing a song? (singing) We can do anything if we can work together (spoken) I think was the song and it j-(angry) all you ever do is talk about how selfish you are and how you just want stuff for your own personal needs just like this movie, that's why it was made! It was in no-no way trying to actually convey something, to add to humanity, to make this a better world, to inspire or create, or anything like that. It was just...ass, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, just, just, fuck it. It FILLS me with such anger and I know I'm just rambling right now, but I know a lot of you guys really like that. It's just the idea that anyone, any kid, would have to have grown up with this. Hopefully, they just lived in a naïve state, didn't pay attention because to the film's credit, it's not very good at holding your attention. The only thing I can praise that any kid that did see it just went over their head, they didn't soak it up, they didn't really read into it or it wasn't like their favorite movie or anything 'cause there is nothing to like. Nothing. I-I can't think of one funny moment, I can't think of one charming moment, I can't think of one moment where I was like "Hey, that has given something to me.". The movie just constantly takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes until there's nothing left of you. I...to say I despise this film, I just, no. The word does not exist about what I think of this film. It is (pushes air out through compressed lips) that bad. So I'm just going on and on right now. If you like it, please tell me why. I am beyond curious. I've actually been waiting at these cons to find that one person who actually liked the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Just so I can ask why and, and more importantly how? How can you like it? Because I think the person that legitimately liked this film would bring me into a whole new realm of reality that I had never considered. That I had never seen. And I would be fascinated to visit that realm whether it be for the better or worse. I just...I just gotta know. I gotta know what could be found in this. That could give any benefit to our culture or to humanity. I-if you're one of those people, um, with-with caution, please let me know why you liked it 'cause I, uh...I want to see all aspects of humanity. You know, whether the good or bad or...this. Just...just let me know. Just-ju, and explain it well 'cause chances are I'm not gonna follow very, very closely 'cause I just won't understand. So, talk to me as a child about why you liked Garbage Pail Kids: the Movie 'cause I, uh...I just have to know. I just have to know. Bye.