Bad Movie Beatdown: Sunday School Musical

(We start off with Todd in the Shadows sitting on his bed, bag packed up for a trip)

Todd: Hey, uh, what up, Internet? It is Todd in the Shadows, in the light. In a mask. Uh, yeah, it is the day before I head to Chicago, I'm almost done packing. And, uh, *whistle* yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I'm told the shoot is gonna be grueling is what I heard, but, uh, we will have downtime. You know there's a bunch of us heading out to the hotel. You know what that means. (throwing out the horns) Crossovers, baby! And, um, I brought a whole bunch of dvds. I loaded up my Netflix queue with stuff. Like, uh, I got pop star movies like Crossroads, Glitter, I got the 50 Cent movie in here. So, uh, should be, uh, should be a lot of fun. I'm looking to get someone to review those with me. Like, uh, I haven't talked to anyone yet, but you know, these guys, they love doing reviews. It shouldn't be too hard.

(Cut to Todd in Bennet the Sage's room)

Sage: So, you want the two of us...to sit down...and watch the Britney Spears movie.

Todd: Well...well, yeah.

Sage: You are a guy under there, right?

(Now he's in Phelous's room)

Phelous: So when Justin and Kelly stop singing and dancing, a murderer comes and kills them, right?

Todd: No, I think they, uh, start falling in love.

Phelous: Well then a monster comes and kills them, right?

Todd: No, nothing like that happens.

Phelous: So what does kill them?

(Todd's now out in the hall with Obscurus Lupa looking over the box for Swept Away)

Lupa: (reading) "Madonna stars in this steamy erotic thriller of S&M, murder, and explicit sex." (looking back at him) You want me to go to your room and watch a dirty movie with you?

Todd: I...I mean...

Lupa: Todd, you could not be possibly any creepier than you are right now.

Todd: You smell nice. (and he gets punched for it while she runs away)

(Film Brain is just getting into his room, taking his coat off when suddenly...)

Todd: Hey, wanna review a film with me?

FB: Aah! Oh god, please don't knife me! Please don't knife me!

Todd: What?

FB: I've heard of you, you hoodie scum! Here, my phone! And, uh, my wallet! (he takes the two items out and puts them on the bed) See this? Take it, take it! Just, please don't knife me!

Todd: Okay, look, just because I have my hood on doesn't mean I'm gonna knife you! I am so sick of the racial profiling!

FB: What race are you anyway?

Todd: Don't worry about it. Look, it's me, Todd. I brought a bunch of movies. I was wondering if you wanted to review them with me.

FB: Ohhh... Any ideas?

Todd: Yeah, I brought Crossroads.

FB: The British soap opera?

Todd: What, no?

FB: The Ralph Macchio movie?

Todd: No, the Britney Spears movie!

FB: Ohh! Yeah, we're not gonna reiview that. (beat) Oh, I got an idea! (he goes over to the bed where dvd cases are stacked) I got a bunch of, um, Asylum movies here and I think I have...(going over the pile) just the film. (he hands it over to Todd)

Todd: Hey, awesome! (he takes the dvd, looks at it, then back to FB) What is this?

(Now we finally do the opening which has Todd play a piano rendition of Jet Black Stare's "Ready To Roll" while clips from Film Brain and Todd in the Shadows reviews are interspersed. After the theme, Todd and FB are sitting on the bed)

Todd: I regret ever speaking to you.

FB: Todd, I'm curious. How did you get in here?

Todd: I move in the space between spaces--what the hell is this?

FB: So glad you asked. (rubbing his hands together)

FB (vo): The Asylum, for those of you who recently awoke from a coma, is a company that primarily deals with mockbusters, low-budget duplicates that flood the direct to video market and fool unsuspecting customers. This marks the fourth time I've reviewed something from this company (Transmorphers, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha), and thankfully, this isn't a stupid creature feature. In this case, this is a cashing in on the popular High School Musical franchise. Specifically, the third movie. (the posters for High School Musical 3 and Sunday School Musical are shown side by side) Can't you tell by the cover?

Todd: (holding the dvd case) What the hell? Why the hell are they wearing graduation robes for a Sunday school? Secondly, "Not your ordinary high school!" Well no shit! It's a Sunday school. And thirdly, like, I don't know what's sadder about this tagline ("Hey sister, get your act together!"). The fact that they're blowing off the popularity of Sister Act of all things, or the fact that the pun is so lame they had to highlight it!

FB (vo): Now this is the first film from the Asylum's Faith Films subdivision, which focuses exclusively on religious themed movies.

Todd: Religious themed movies? Film Brain, do you even go to church?

FB: No...

Todd: Did you grow up in Bible Belt America?

FB: No...

Todd: Have you seen any of the High School Musicals?

FB: Not in full.

Todd: Oh, my friend, you're gonna need all the help you can get.

(Clips of High School Musical 1 are shown)

Todd (vo): Now you'd expect an Asylum knockoff for the Christian market to be even more sanitized, and have even lower production values than the original. But I can't even imagine what a cheaper, more wholesome version of High School Musical would look like. The original High School Musical is one of the most senseless assaults on storytelling and logic I've had the misfortune of watching. It's plot was as stupid as it's budget was nonexistant. And considering how unwatchable that TV movie was, an Asylum knockoff can only be that much worse.

FB: So Todd, are you ready?

Todd: I took on the Hannah Montana Movie. I was born ready.

FB (vo): So we start, appropriately, with a song.

Zachary: (singing) Let's get it, let's go

It's about that time for me to shine

I got dreams, I got goals

And real soon they're all gonna be mine

Todd: Yeah, I got dreams, I got goals. You're never gonna find out what they are because I'm not gonna tell you. But I got 'em!

Todd (vo): God, this is so generic, it may as well be an 80s sitcom theme.

(The Perfect Strangers theme plays instead of the opening song)

FB (vo): It's nice that this movie hits us with this hopelessly banal song right from the start so that the sane of us can leave while they can.

Todd: But we're reviewers. So sanity is not part of the job description.

FB (vo): So this is Zach, who arrives fashionably late for his regional choir competition.

FB: Gee, is your budget showing enough, guys? Couldn't actually hire an auditorium for this scene?

Todd (vo): At the very least, don't let the grade schoolers design your banner. (an arrow is pointing out to the banner marked CHOIR COMPETITION)

FB (vo): So if you survived that onslaught, this movie throws another right at you.

Hawthorne Choir: This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

Todd: Ohhh, god, I'm back in church! (and he hangs his head)

FB (vo): And so for several minutes, we're forced to watch this awkwardly choreographed musical number, and occasionally, it's covered with people nodding approvingly, but not at anything particular.

(FB's sitting by himself with a smile on his face while Todd gives directions from off-camera)

Todd: Okay, pretend you're watching a song and dance number, and you're really enjoying it. (FB nods) More enthusiasm, more enthusiasm. That's it, fucking smile and nod your way to religion. (FB smiles wider and nods his head faster)

Todd (vo): This competition is for places at States, and the top two teams will qualify. Next up on stage are Crossroads Church.

Todd: Film Brain, it's not too late! We can still do Crossroads!

FB: No!

(The Crossroads Choir sing their song quite badly. One of the kids in the back stifles a laugh)

Todd: Pfft, look at them. Their vapid, uninspired performance of musty old Christian music is much worse than our vapid, uninspired performance of musty old Christian music.

Announcer: The Bellevue Boys Choir will be unable to make it today due to a food poisoning incident involving egg salad. Nothing like this has ever happened before.

FB: And yet funny enough, there doesn't seem to be any empty seats for this choir to sit in.

Announcer: After inquiring with the judges, we have made a decision. Both Hawthorne Choir and Crossroads Choir will move on to compete in the States Competition.

Both: What!?

Todd: So they only had three choirs in their "regional" competition.

FB: And don't forget two had to go through.

Todd: Yeah, not much of a competition, really.

(Zach's walking home with his friends Aundrea and another kid who's beatboxing)

Zach: Crossroads Choir.

Aundrea: Good one. Okay. (trying to find the proper beat) All right. All right. Allright. Crossroads is lame, they gots no game, and they...(and she can't come up with anything else)

Both: CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE!

(Zach is at the dinner table praying with his mother and brother)

FB (vo): Finally, ten minutes in, we come to a scene where there isn't a musical number.

Little brother: Only two weeks until dad's back, right?

Mother: Mm, yes.

FB: Am I the only one who finds it weird Zach's brother is white? I mean, I know his absent father is white, but that just strikes me as weird casting.

Todd (vo): Mom loses her job, so she announces Zachary has to go move in with her auntie and uncle in Bel Air. Or something. No, actually, they're moving in with her sister on the opposite side of town.

Zach: So we have to switch schools?

Mother: Yes, and I've talked to your aunt Janet, and...

Zach: Aunt Janet lives, like, 45 minutes away.

Mother: Okay, just listen. You're really not gonna be that bad.

Zach: For you, maybe. I mean, what about, what about my friends and my choir?

Mother: This isn't easy for any of us, okay?

FB: Oh boo freaking hoo! It's not just about you, Zachary. I think there are far bigger problems, like the fact your mom doesn't have a job!

Todd: (mock drama) But-but the opposite side of town? That's, like, the end of the world! (and FB puts his hands to his face)

Todd (vo): So Zach has an emo moment, which we can tell cause he's re-enacting Eminem's "Not Afraid" video.

FB (vo): And from the sound of it, it seems like there's another song coming.

(Zach begins dancing)

Todd (vo): Yeah, dance out your anger, Footloose style! And... (the dance number comes to an end)

Todd: That's it? What happened to the song?

FB: Fuck if I know.

FB (vo): And then we fade in...to the exact same location where Zach is still moping, and Aundrea comes to see him.

Todd: I don't get it. Why didn't they just put these two scenes together so that she comes up just after he goes Footloose?

FB: Oh, I don't know, cut out the first scene entirely? I don't think we would've missed it.

Zach: My mom lost her job and we have to move.

Aundrea: I can't believe this. I can't believe you're leaving! What about the group?

Zach: I know.

Aundrea: I wanna feel for you, but you can't just leave like this.

FB: Uh, yes he can. It's not his decision. I think home life comes before a choir competition. But why settle for simply talking when you can sing about it?

Aundrea: (singing) Wait, wait a second, boy

You're not gonna turn this around on me

When you're the one skipping town

Right before we finally

Get the chance to go to States

Guess that ain't important to you.

Todd: Wow, what a bitch. What's he supposed to do, pay the rent with his birthday money just so he can go to this one church?

Zach: (sining) If you really cared,

Then you wouldn't talk that way.

Aundrea: (singing) And if you didn't wanna leave,

Then you would try to stay.

FB: The only way he's gonna still live there is living in a box, you stupid girl!

FB (vo): We move to Zach's first day at his school where he's paired up with Savannah for their Home Economics class.

Savannah: Okay, it says half a cup of vegetable shortening. (Zach is scooping into a container of shortening) Half a cup. (Zach gets the shortening into the bowl by having to push it off the spatula. He tries to shake some off his finger, which flies off)

Zach: Sorry.

FB: Ah, I'm bored. Let's see what's happening on the other table.

(We cut to a clip of Superbad where Seth (Jonah Hill) is humping the air at Jules (Emma Stone) in home ec when she isn't looking)

Savannah: (showing how to crack an egg) Just tap it. (and pours the egg into the bowl) And it opens.

Todd (vo): Op, time for a song.

Zach: Thanks, boss.

Savannah: What's that supposed to mean?

Todd (vo): Time for a song.

Zach: Um, nothing, I mean, you're just really on top of things, you know, like, um...student council, yearbook, choir.

Todd (vo): SING A SONG, DAMN IT!

Savannah: Okay, well, if you think you can do it better, then you take over, boss. (handing him the cookbook)

Todd: Oh my...just have sex already and get it over with!

FB (vo): And just in case you still don't get the point that his first day is awkward...

Trevor: Hey! What on GGE are you doing in my Bible Study class?

Zach: GG-what?

Charlie: It's God's green earth.

FB: OMG, sister! WTF is wrong with your stupid effing acronym?

Todd (vo): Is it me, or is this kid pretty obviously supposed to be Jewish? Why did they write a Jewish stereotype for the church choir?

FB: I dunno, it looks more like he escaped off the set of Glee.

Todd: (disgusted) Ugh, god, don't mention Glee.

Todd (vo): As if his day wasn't bad enough, Zach's father's tour in the military has been extended six months. So he... (Zach is on the same rooftop as before) takes the bus back to the city just so he can sing on the same roof he did earlier?

Todd: Believe me, you don't have to travel anywhere to find a rooftop to perform your self pitying dance numbers on.

FB: Hey, if he can take the bus to the other side of town, why can't he still participate with his old choir? This is a total non-conflict!

Todd: Yeah, you're right! And "I can't sing with my choir" isn't even a conflict to begin with!

Zach: (singing) I've never been so scared

I feel so unprepared

Todd: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Savage Garden!

FB (vo): Elsewhere, Hawthorne Church is having trouble.

Principal: Of course. Look, I appreciate your point, but $10,000 is a lot of money. This church means everything to me. It is my mission to make sure the funds are secured to keep the doors open.

(Cut to a clip of the Simpsons where Reverend Lovejoy is pouring gasoline inside the church)

Lovejoy: Oh, I never thought I'd have to do this again.

(Cut to Savannah in her room)

Pastor Joe (Savannah's father): Hey, Savannah banana.

Savannah: Hey dad.

Joe: Whatcha working on?

Savannah: Just studying for a biology test.

Joe: If you ever get overwhelmed, you can do what your mother used to do.

Savannah: What's that?

Joe: She would simply put a piece of bubble gum in her mouth and...and she would blow a big bubble, and...she would say a little prayer right before she did it. She'd say "Dear God, make this bubble take away my trouble."

(Todd and FB mock throw at the sappiness of the scene)