MarzGurl Loves Don Bluth: Bartok the Magnificent

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): A number of Don Bluth's movies may not have been particularly good, animation aside, but Bartok the Magnificent is the first and only one of the movies where I can legitimately say I was disappointed. After I'd run down every one of The Land Before Time movies, as you can imagine, I don't actually have a terrible fondness for direct-to-video sequels, and what's so disappointing about this movie is that it's a direct-to-video sequel to Anastasia that Don Bluth himself actually participated in. Before I begin, I suppose I should actually bring up something I found plainly positive with the movie: the orchestration is probably the best part; the songs are a little on the silly side, but at the same time, they're decent enough compositions. No, really, I've heard worse.

Bartok: (singing) Once in Mongolia, I noticed a fire / Whole city burning and the flames getting higher / They're yelling,"Save us or we're all gonna bake!"

(Bartok then throws a pie at the flaming sign, eating some of it and drinking out of a bowl of water)

Bartok: (singing) I ate the flames and then I drank the whole lake!

MarzGurl (vo): But it's about the only part of the movie I particularly liked. The rest of the movie is fairly forgettable, and frankly, even the part I usually love Bluth for, his animation skills, seems to suffer. If you're focusing on the main characters at the foreground of the picture, there's not much of a problem, although like any direct-to-video movie, the colors appear a little washed out. But there's a number of times where you'll see extras in the background or on the edges of the screen that only use one or two looping frames, and it just makes it look like they're wigging out and you'll hopefully not notice. On top of that, it's hard to even it call this a sequel, rather, it seems more to be a side story than anything else. Hank Azaria returns to the role of Bartok, Rasputin's albino semi-sidekick bat, because yeah, we all grew to love Bartok so much over the course of the movie. Frankly, I'd have rather seen a movie about Anastasia's dog, Pooka. Anyway, apparently, Bartok travels around Russia, performing shows of great feats such as lifting weights or defeating monsters; none of it is real, of course, it's all for show. At one particular show, the young Tsar, Ivan Tsarevich, shows up to watch. By the way, the name Ivan Tsarevich isn't historical or anything, it's just a placeholder name that Russia has apparently used to tell tall tales for quite some time. So yeah, this movie is in no way historical, not even on a semi-historic background like its previous movie, just expect that. The Tsar is thrilled with the performance and gives Bartok a royal ring. Ivan's keeper, Ludmilla, scolds him for giving a commoner the royal jewelry, but Ivan kindly tells her to stuff it. She gets pissed; this is how you know she's a villain! Oh yeah, so Kelsey Grammer apparently makes a return in this movie, so does he come back to voice the lovable Vlad from the last movie? No, he voices somebody entirely different, a bear by the name of Zozi with a love of the theatrical arts.

Zozi: You're not planning on keeping that, are you?

Bartok: What are you talking about?! He gave it to me!

Zozi: Yes, but he's a child. It's a ring for royalty and you should know better. Will you give the prince back his ring?

MarzGurl (vo): But...why? Bartok doesn't want to give it back, and why should he? The Tsar happily gave his riches to the undeserving commoners. Why, then, would you want to return the ring?! It doesn't make sense. But soon enough, it doesn't matter, the Tsar is kidnapped! Ludmilla finds evidence that totally points to some old witch named Baba Yaga, who must be the one who kidnapped the prince, never mind that the movie is being incredibly transparent with Ludmilla's behavior, so we all already know she's the one behind it all. Also, Baba Yaga? Yeah, also a witch in Russian fiction over the course of time, so again, nothing historic to see here. Anyway, the children, who so very much loved Bartok's show, seem to think he can get the prince back, so Ludmilla brings Bartok and Zozi to her to send them on a quest to find the prince in Baba Yaga's forest. Bartok agrees when he sees how much it means to the kids. D'awww!

Zozi: (singing) Have faith, take heart, he's kind, he's smart / that possible hero in you

MarzGurl (vo): No, I'm pretty sure he's just a bat who likes to get away with whatever he can and doesn't stop talking. The song is nice, but it doesn't really make sense. So they get to the forest and what do they see? An enormous CG talking skull, voiced by Tim Curry.

Skull: Now, what is the key that will open the witch's door?

Bartok: I thought it was an arithmetic.

Zozi: A skeleton key!

(The skull roars and spits out a key)

Bartok: That's exactly what I was just gonna say, a skeleton key.

MarzGurl (vo): So this lets in just Bartok, who gets into Baba Yaga's house. Baba Yaga, of course, has to sing a song about finding the intruder.

Baba Yaga: (singing) But my hallways all say, someone's in my house tonight!

MarzGurl (vo): She finds Bartok and sends him on a mission to find her three items, at which point, she'll reveal the location of the prince. At the same time, Zozi cannot help Bartok in any way or else, they die. So gee, I wonder when the part of the movie happens where Zozi helps in some way and the movie doesn't punish them for it?

Skull: No matter how hard you hit me, no matter how much I hurt, I'm always good for a laugh. What am I?

Zozi: A funny bone!

Bartok: (deadpan) Funny bone, ha ha. Key, please.

(The skull spits up another key)

Bartok: Much obliged.

MarzGurl (vo): Oh, there it is. So first, Bartok has to bring back this strange, stretchy, pink thing (Piloff) stuck to a rock that never shuts up, then he has to get some hat off of some really big guy voiced by French Stewart. What words of wisdom does this guy have to say?

(The big guy named Oblie just laughs stupidly)

MarzGurl (vo): Wonderful! And finally, he has to figure out how to grab some hovering feather without flying. He does it all and then he's STILL not done. He has to give her something from his heart or some crud like that. After insulting her and making her feel bad, he feels bad, too and starts to cry. She takes his tear and puts it in a pot with pieces of the other things he brought her, while at the same time, revealing that the prince has been up in the castle tower the entire time, and that Baba Yaga had never taken him in the first place! Hooray for the waste of time! But then, I suppose she wouldn't be a crazy old witch if she hadn't done that. So she gives him the potion she's been brewing, which apparently makes the drinker reflect what they are on the inside tenfold. Great, so here in a bit, we're gonna see a superpowered Bart-OH, nope, he gets back and Ludmilla takes it and drinks it while locking Bartok and a henchman in the same tower, and what happens? She becomes a dragon. With Zozi's help, everybody escapes the dungeon and Bartok leads the newly winged dragon Ludmilla up to a water tower, which she crushes, both crushing herself and flooding the town, putting out all the fires she had started, never mind the fact that it really should have left the town in completely flooded ruins, but hey, it's a cartoon!

Bartok: (to Ivan) Here you go.

Ivan: That was my gift to you.

Bartok: Nonsense, your Highness, let me tell you something about that ring. That ring is a ring for royalty.

MarzGurl (vo): See, even the young Tsar can't figure out why Bartok would want to give the ring back; It's supposed to look like kindness, but the reality of it is that it really doesn't make sense. He was showing kindness by giving it to you, you showed kindness by saving him from certain death and restoring peace to the country! Keep the ring! So yeah, Bartok's a hero and he made friends with a witch. Yay, all's well that ends well.

It's just...I mean, I guess the movie isn't awful. Like I said though, it's just disappointing. It wasn't any sort of necessary addition to the story of Anastasia, it was rather simple, with a couple of plot points that don't really make sense, and finally, the animation was unfortunately subpar for a Don Bluth movie. If you don't think about it hard enough and forget who the animation director was, then I can see you enjoying this movie. But knowing what I know, like I've said, I just feel disappointed.

(The poster for Titan A.E. is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): There's only one Don Bluth movie remaining. You would hope that it could wash the taste of disappointment out of one's mouth, but how do we even approach it after something like this? Well, I can tell you one thing, it has to be particularly special. Hang tight, people, sometime soon, we'll be getting together again to talk about Bluth's final film to date, Titan A.E.

(Credits are shown)