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Reimu: Hello, I'm the Reimu Hakurei. A miko who remember's it, because you don't. A long time ago, a young filmmaker named Walt Disney helped create a company known as Disney. It's a fantastic world with adorable princesses and badass villains. A world that the animation community will never, ever forge-- okay, the punch line is Hercules.

(Title card and footage of Hercules)

Reimu (voiceover): For all the historical things that Disney has done, whether it be good (poster of Aladdin), badass (poster of Mulan) or...just downright mediocre (poster of Enchanted), nothing compares to the awesome Greek cinematic bomb that they made: Hercules.

Reimu: And if you think Enchanted was funny...it still is. But this is a creation that equally matches that theatrical humour. So what gave Disney the idea to such a goofy movie?

(Illustrations of the Hercules story)

Reimu (voiceover): Well, maybe the Greek myth had something to do with it. That's right, this was actually based on a Greek story by the same name. It was about a Greek guy who has a ton of strange adventures.

Reimu: (dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, sounds like a blockbuster to me, too! (normal) Let's take a look.

Reimu: (voiceover) So we see Hercules as a baby, where he lives in what must be the funniest version of Greek I've ever seen.

(Pegasus as a baby is onscreen)

Reimu: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOOK AT THE HORSEY- (technical difficulties screen)

Reimu (voiceover): All right, so Hades shows up, and he has these comedic slaves...

(Pain and Panic turn into worms)

Pain and Panic: (sobbing) WE'RE JUST WORMS! WORTHLESS WORMS!

Reimu: Don't you mean "shapeshifting worms"?

Reimu (voiceover): So after that, we see Hade's other slaves, the Fates. They cut a female's string of life and we hear--

(A bloodcurdling woman scream from the Sound Ideas library is heard. This is accompanied with the Lucky Star KYAAAA music.)

Reimu (voiceover): Oh, my Byakuren.

Reimu: It can't be. That cannot be real. That cannot - be real!

(The same scene plays again)

Reimu: (disgusted) Is there a point in reviewing the rest of the movie?! I mean, you know I'm not gonna be able to top that. I don't care if we hear the squeals of a dying pig. There is no way in hell that I am going to beat THAT. I mean, what is the point? You're making a kids film, starring a badass hero, and you play a bloodcurdling scream? Are you mad? What creepy bastard thought that up?!

(Quick flash of a pic of Pat Jackson)

Reimu: I mean, the movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing Bambi's dead mother is wrong... but playing one of the most blood-curdling screams I've heard isn't gonna cause any psychological damage?

Reimu: I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean... GOOD BYAKUREN!!!

Reimu (voiceover):  So, yeah, after you try to repress that memory, Hercules is almost made mortal by Pain and Panic...but he doesn't, because he didn't drink the whole bottle he was fed. So then Hercules is raised by new parents, but then he eventually decides to "go the distance".

Reimu: We then meet Phil, who is a retired slave of Hades. He offers to help Hercules, and then we get a training montage.

Phil: Rule number six: when rescuing a damsel... always handle with care. (Hercules screws that up) No!

Reimu: Have I mentioned Hercules is being quite clumsy right now? I don't recall him being clumsy in the myths I've read...

Reimu (voiceover): So eventually, Phil trusts Hercules enough that he is allowed to go to Thebes.

Hercules: So what's in Thebes?

Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big tough town - good place to start buildin' a rep.

(The same bloodcurdling scream from earlier is heard. This time, it is accompanied with the Anime Horror Stinger sound effect. Reimu is beyond shocked, and screams in horror of the sound)

Reimu: ...the SAME scream? The SAME EXACT HORRIFYING SCREAM? They had the BALLS to use a horrifying scream twice in a 'CHILDREN'S MOVIE? NO! NOOO! DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT-'

''Konnichiku comes to restrain Reimu as she yells angry gibberish; a placecard comes up indicating it is now "20 minutes later". Reimu is now calm''

Reimu: I...apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get...a little peeved when I hear a children's movie playing... (Gets angry again) A 'BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM?! PAT JACKSON! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU WILL DIE! YOU'LL GET THE GAS!'

Placecard indicating it is "One Hour Later"; Reimu looks disheveled

Reimu: Ahem. (She's about to speak, but immediately resumes being angry) 'RAPE MY EARS WILL YOU?! YOU'LL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE-'

Place card indicating is now "Seven Hours Later"; Reimu is looking much better

Reimu: (deep breath) ...Make an ED page about me. I'm going full Hotheart123. I can't do this anymore. I'm out.