After Earth

Will Smith: (played by Malcolm Ray) Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, the danger is very real. Fear is a choice.

Jaden Smith: ...Well Dad, can't I choose not to be in a Shyamalan movie?

Will: DENIED! Now get your stupid space suit on, Jaden!

Jaden: Oh, this like being in Karate Kid with no karate in it.

Will: I heard that!

We then get our intro and fade into NC.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today, we look at--(the logo for After Earth comes up) (NC groans in frustration, laying his head on his desk) No! No! No, no, no, no, no! (clips of the movie play) Oh, God, not that one! Not that one! Oh, b- Come on! It's so stupid and dumb! J- I- What with the flying, and the- (grumbles) Ah... (beat) So let's take a look.

NC: (vo) Something important to keep in mind this time around is unlike his other films, Shyamalan is not entirely to blame for this one. Will Smith's son, Jaden, was something of a rising star, so to cement his status, Will took it upon himself to write a story starring his son that would hopefully lead to a scifi franchise. There was just one problem.

Kitai: That sucked.

Cypher: That is correct.

NC: (vo) Oh, it sucked, alright. It was reported that this film started out as number one on opening day, but word spread so fast that it slipped down a slot the next day, and was so bad that it slipped down another slot the next. Yep, the film was so bad that the public felt a civic duty to alert people as quickly as possible about it's horribleness. But like I said, even though the movie has Shyamalan's seal of horrendousness, you can't ignore the ego hand job that the Smith family is obviously giving itself. For example, get a load of Will's intro over Jaden's narration.

(cut to first scene with Kitai lying on the ground, with his face all swollen)

Kitai: (vo) (with accent) I've heard stories of Earth. (clips play, showing how the planet became uninhabitable) A paradise, until we destroyed it. The founding of the United Ranger Corps, one thousand years ago, was a global military effort. An evacuation of Earth.

NC: Dude, what's with the accent? Was your mother Matthew McConaughey?

Kitai: (vo) The aliens released the Ursa. (giant alien creature attacks the screen)

NC: (vo) Oh, yeah, quick side note here, did we forget to mention there's aliens in this world? There's aliens in this world. Quite pointlessly to be honest, as we never see or find out anything about them. Hell, we don't even know what their called.

NC: They're just referred to as "aliens".

NC: (vo) It'd make sense if they had them be the ones that destroyed the Earth, but then we couldn't get our "man anal fucks environment" message that I'm sure this film is the first one to introduce. (posters of movies like Ferngully, An Inconvenient Truth, Once Upon a Forest, Avatar, and Wall-E appear)

(alien ships drop the Ursas onto Nova Prime)

Kitai: (vo) Technically blind, the Ursa sees humans based on the pheromones we secrete when frightened. They literally smell our fear.

NC: (vo) So, the Ursa-

NC: Wait a minute, they named to pets of the aliens, but not the aliens themselves? (beat) JESUS, GUYS!

NC: (vo) -start wiping the human race out, but then a lone hero writes himself into the story.

(cut to battle scene, with Cypher Raige walking calmly past the troops fighting an Ursa, until he's close enough to it, attacking with his cutlass)

Kitai: (vo) And that answer came in the form of the Prime Commander, Cypher Raige.

NC: (stifled laugh) ... I'm sorry, what was that totally run-of-the-mill average name again?

Kitai: (vo) The Prime Commander, Cypher Raige.

NC: (trying to hold in laughter) ... Was Lieutenant "Man Awesome" already taken?

NC: (vo) Look at this shot! It's like the penis compensation of introductions; the hummer, pick-up truck, and convertable all rolled into one.

Kitai: (vo) He's believed to be so completely free of fear, that to an Ursa, he's invisible.

NC: (vo) Will, everybody already wants to be you. You don't need to build yourself up like this. This is like Hugh Hefner trying to convince us he can shoot lasers from his eyes. (picture of Hugh Hefner surrounded by models, as his eyes start glowing red) There's just no need. We're fucking jealous enough!