Your Love Is My Drug

(Todd is asleep at his piano, with half-drunk liquor bottles lying around. One falls from piano to the floor, jarring Todd awake. He drops a couple more bottles from his lap and finds an empty pill bottle in his mouth.)

Todd: [hungover throughout] Uhhh....uhhhh...where am I? What happened last night? What happened, where am I......? Camera...camera...oh geez. Guys...guys, can we not...can we not do this right now? Like some other time, 'cause I just woke up this morning feeling like...P. Diddy. Feels really nasty, like you don't even know. Like, oh, my God, my mouth...my mouth tastes like a diaper. Can you...get me something to wash my mouth out, or...you know, brush my teeth with. ''[Image of Jack Daniels bottle. From Todd's POV, he's looking at one that's half-full]'' Guys, that's not funny. I can't even look at this right now. Piano...fine, piano. ''[Todd plays "Your Love Is My Drug" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: KE$HA - "Your Love Is My Drug" A pop song review. He only plays a few measures before he stops]'' Too loud...too loud. What is this song again? [Cover of the single] Oh right. More Ke$ha. [Picks up and opens Jack bottle] Might need this after all.

Video of "BlahBlahBlah"

Todd (VO): Come to think of it, this may be why I got so hammered last night to begin with. This review means I've officially done reviews of all three of Ke$ha's singles, which is two and a half more Ke$ha singles than I ever needed to hear. In a pop music world saturated with dumb blondes, Ke$ha distinguished herself by being the dumbest, blondest, most vapid blonde of them all.

Todd: Basically, if pop music were a Friday the 13th movie, Ke$ha would be the first to die.

Video of Ke$ha performing on SNL

Todd (VO): Yes, in between putting on notoriously bad live performances, looking like an open Dumpster...

Todd: ...and writing such amazing tunes as "Take It Off", "Party at a Rich Dude's House", and..."Hungover", Ke$ha has officially established her persona as the world's most obnoxious party girl who doesn't do anything but get wasted all the time. How lame is that?

Coughs as we cut to video of "Your Love Is My Drug"

Todd (VO): Now what about the new song, "Your Love Is My Drug"? Well it's basically in a musical dead zone. It's not as catchy as "Tik Tok", but it's not as nauseatingly bad as "BlahBlahBlah", which means I don't ever wanna listen to it, but I can't really ever torture my friends with it either. It's just kind of an annoying song; it doesn't seem like they ever finished writing it, the chorus is repetitive, doesn't really go anywhere, doesn't resolve anything. Basically it's a perfectly mediocre song from a mediocre performer.

Todd: Or at least that's what I was going to say, but right now...right now this is the worst song I've ever heard. I can't think of anything I wanna listen to less. [Opening chords of the song] Uggggghhhhh, God, listening to this song right now makes me feel like I'm...like I'm

Ke$ha: ...hitting my head against the wall

Todd: Yes, exactly, Ke$ha. You truly are the voice of a generation.

Todd (VO): You know, I don't know why they call her a Lady Gaga ripoff.

Opening of "Poker Face" video, with opening chords very similar to those of "Your Love Is My Drug"

Todd: Okay, this is supposed to be a love song, but a love song by Ke$ha is already a failed proposition. I mean, am I really supposed to believe that Ke$ha has any more desires beyond sex and alcohol? This is stupid. Does Marilyn Manson cut gospel records? Does Andrew W.K. talk about kicking back and taking it easy? No, and for the same reason—this is a terrible idea. This is the least convincing love song I've ever heard.

Ke$ha: Because your love your love your love is my drug Your love your love your love

Todd (VO): Okay, as you've probably gathered, this song uses the analogy of love being like drugs. Now that's not new. I can think of dozens of songs right off the top of my head that use that same analogy.

Robert Palmer: You know you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to love

Todd: However Ke$ha goes the extra mile by legitimately sounding like she's on drugs.

Ke$ha: My steez is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

Todd: Charming.

Ke$ha: Maybe I need some rehab Or maybe just need some sleep

Todd (VO): It's pretty fitting that when Ke$ha writes a love song, she writes about it in the terms of the nastiest symptoms of chemical dependency. Again, this isn't a new concept, love and drugs and all that, but Ke$ha seems to be going all out with making an innocent crush sound disgustingly unpleasant. In fact, come to think of it...

Ke$ha: I'm all strung out my heart is fried The rush is worth the price I pay

Todd: Is this a love song?

Ke$ha: I'm lookin' down every alley I'm making those desperate calls

Todd: You're looking down alleys...for love? Well, I guess you could find it. Probably not the kind you're looking for though.

Todd (VO): I don't know if she's abusing drugs, but she's definitely abusing this metaphor. I know love is supposed to be like drugs and all that, but...like, it's not a perfect analogy. You can't just substitute one for the other and have it make sense.

Todd: Yeah, I tried to call my love dealer to see if he could hook me up with a few grams of love, but it turns out he got arrested for love trafficking in a school zone.

Todd (VO): Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was a song about crack addiction that got clumsily rewritten into a love song. The original title was "Your Drugs Is My Drug", I'm guessing.

Todd: Seriously, you look at the video and you tell me if this is actually about love or drugs.

Todd (VO): She wakes up next to a guy at a strange place and runs away...

Todd: ...just another day in the life of Ke$ha...

Todd (VO): ...and then it turns into a peyote trip. You know what, you come up with your own conclusions. And by the way, if this is supposed to be some kind of "Yellow Submarine" reference, that's the worst and least appropriate invocation of the Beatles since Jay-Z and Linkin Park covered "Yesterday".

Chester Bennington: Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so...

Todd: Now here's a funny thing I read. See, Ke$ha thinks...hold on a moment... [Todd throws up in a toilet and returns to the piano with a bottle of water] False alarm. Like I was saying, I...I read this article where Ke$ha said that she thinks it's not cool that Britney Spears will lip-sync in concert and...well, you know, that's true enough. That's a good point. Might mean more if it came from someone who actually sang.

Ke$ha: Won't listen to any advice

Todd (VO): I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but Ke$ha's obnoxious sing-talking thing she does just makes me angry.

Ke$ha: Hey, so I got a question Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum

Todd: Please someone...someone let her know that she's not actually a rapper.

Ke$ha: My steez is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

Todd (VO): Oh no, her speech is gonna be affected? Not her beautiful speech. God, she might actually sound halfway intelligent for once.

Todd: What? What do you mean I got the line wrong? What's the actual line? [Gets up, pulls out the lyrics and sits down] Are you serious?

Ke$ha: My steez is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

Todd: "My steez"? What the holy hell is a steez? Some kinda medical condition? It's a Dr. Seuss character? It sounds gross, whatever it is. I thought I was up on my faux-hip-hop white girl slang. Guess not.

Todd (VO): Seriously, this is why we're supposed to care that she's got this crush? Because it's affecting her steez? If she's worried about her steez, it must be serious.

Todd: It is totally not my fault that I misheard that line. Every word that comes out of her mouth is a drunken slur, it's not like I can understand half the things she says anyways. What else am I mishearing here?

Ke$ha: [script substitutes "yellow" for "your love"] ...your love your love your love is my drug Your love your love your love I said your love your love your love is my drug Your love your love your love

Music plays over video of Coldplay - "Yellow"

Todd: Her drugs are yellow. She wanted you to know. Guys, I'm tired. Can we finish this?

Ke$ha: Hey, hey, so You love, your love your love

Todd (VO): Oh how delightfully off the cuff and spontaneous.

Todd: What a cute little unplanned addition to the s...oh please. That sounds so phony, it's probably written into the sheet music.

Ke$ha: You love, your love your love, is my drug (She says) I like your beard

Todd: She...she likes your beard. Okay. Well, now, based on prior knowledge, we have a definitive profile of what kind of guy she likes.

Ke$ha: [in video of "Tik Tok"] ...look like Mick Jagger.

Todd: She likes guys that look like Mick Jagger [picture of Mick Jagger taken fairly recently]...with a beard [image of younger Jagger with a beard]. Dreamy.

Ke$ha: You love, your love...

Todd (VO): The sad part is, as stupid as that last part is, it's probably the only memorable part of the song.

Todd: I mean, maybe you liked "Tik Tok", maybe you hated it, but you remembered it at least. But this? This is just album filler. I mean, who cares? I feel like I have more to say about this, but I really need to take a nap on my piano, so I'm finishing this. Just wish I could remember why I got so hammered last night, 'cause it wasn't for this, it wasn't for this. This isn't interesting enough. Why did I get so drunk last night?

''Flashes of Lady Gaga - "Alejandro". Todd puts the Jack bottle in his mouth and falls out of his chair.''

Closing tag song: Tom Waits - "The Piano Has Been Drinking"