35

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 35 (April 19, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Kumusta ka? ''[informal Filipino/Tagalog for "How are you?" - ed.] ''Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): There is a dead deer in front of my driveway. What should I do with it?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. I would say: sacrifice it to your god. / [indicates a jump cut] What's that? You don't HAVE a god to sacrifice it to? Then, make one up. / My god is actualy a salmon, and I worship him every day. / (cut to a Photoshopped image of Jesus - I assume - with a fish head superimposed over His head) It's a wonderful religion I've devised. / (back to That Guy) For as the story goes, when the people were hungry, the salmon multiplied several loaves of bread and tiny, little Jesuses. / That way, everybody had a Jesus to eat. / And, as we all know, there is nothing better in this world than a delicious Jesus... / or, as I like to call it, "DelishiJesus". / Yes. Narrator: What's your favorite color?

That Guy: Five.

Narrator: Will you marry me?

That Guy: I'm sorry to say that I'm already married to somebody. Myjob. / And I don't mean that as some sort of abstract joke. I'm LITERALLY married to an Indonesian person named Myjob. / He's about yay-high (indicates height with his left hand, about neck-high) and has six fingers... on his feet. / (raises his eyebrows) Kinky.

Narrator: I was found outside your house naked. Should I get myself checked?

That Guy: Yyyyyyyyyeah, (nods) you should probably do that. / And I do apologize to you, madam or sir. / But when you're married to an Indonesian who's this tall (indicates height again) and has six fingers on his feet, you tend to get a little desperate. / (raises eyebrows again) Sssssaucy.

Narrator: Soup or salad?

That Guy: Did you say, "Super Salad"? I LOVE that superhero. He's one of my favorites. / (cut to an image of Superman standing in front of an American flag; in place of his head is a plate of salad - likely from a chain restaurant. Cut back to That Guy with eyes and brows raised in a VERY happy face, almost orgasmic)

Narrator: If I asked you a question, would you answer it?

That Guy: Absolutely not. / (looks up) Wait. By saying "no", I actually answered your question; so... (back at camera) absolutely not. / Idiot.

Narrator: Do you dance like crazy when no one is looking?

That Guy: Let's find out. (That Guy walks to the camera and moves it to his right. We then hear about 7 seconds of "rave" music) [Actually, the Pump Panel Reconstruction Mix of New Order's "Confusion", if you're scoring at home - ed.] (When the "rave" ends, the normal music resumes; and That Guy pans the camera back) No.

Narrator: When I saw two birds on top of each other, my mom and dad said they were hugging. Is this true?

That Guy: Well, now, THIS question all depends on how old you are. / If you were, say, over the age of 13, I would probably say, "No. They are not hugging. They are having sex. / Sex is the physical act of love-making, which the male [Grammar, Doug - ed.] inserts his penis into the female's vagina. / They do this until one of them or both of them (uses air quotes) climaxes or orgasms. / And, quite often, that results in a beautiful baby. / AND if you were under the age of 13, I would say, "No, you idiot. They're fucking. / (does a "Duh!" gesture with his left hand on his forehead) You must be a little asshole."

Narrator: Can I borrow $50?

That Guy: Only in exchange for your immortal soul. / You see, I actually collect souls and keep them confined under my robe. (he opens his robe a bit with his left hand. We hear the "souls" overdubbed. There are at least four, all in different pitches: one of them screams; one has a low, ghoulish tone; and the other two are saying... stuff. That Guy closes his robe, and the voices stop. That Guy raises his eyebrows quickly for good measure)

Narrator: How can I stop myself from procrastinating?

That Guy: I'll tell you tomorrow. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END