Final Episode

''We start with the shot of the classic "Ask That Guy" bookshelf. Suddenly, Ask That Guy crashes in from below, breaking through the floor. He looks relieved to have finally crashed in.''

Ask That Guy: Good lord! What a long climb! Whew! (he notices the camera) Well... you're probably wondering where I've been all this time. Well, it's a very fascinating story. You see...

''As Ask That Guy explains, his audio is buzzed out and a picture of the TGWTG Vol. 4 DVD cover overtakes the screen. The subtitles read "Revealed on The Best of TGWTG Vol. 4 DVD"''

Announcer: BUY THE VOLUME 4 DVD! BUY THE VOLUME 4 DVD!

The sound and graphic disappear.

Ask That Guy: ... I'm sure it's happened to all of you at some point. So... (he notices he's back in front of the old bookshelf.) Wait a minute, I thought I blew this place up! (laughs) Oh wait! No, no. That was just a bright flash of white light that I put down. That's right! I always get that and heavy explosives confused. Wow. That's a lot of assassination attempts that didn't go through, then. Well, nevertheless, it's good to see the old girl again. And here we are, back where we belong. So without further ado... (holds up his pipe) "I am Groot!" Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to '' Ask That Guy With The Glasses! ''

(Moonlight Sonata begins as the Ask That Guy intro plays)

Narrator: Why is it called a hamburger when it has beef?

Ask That Guy: That's a very good question. And the answer is; it's a giant conspiracy against the beef. For as we all know, beef in French is boeuf. And of course, we're all aware of Shia LeBoeuf. He knew how popular hamburgers were going to be even before he was born, so he tried to claim the name as early as possible. How did he do this, you may ask? Well, how did he manage to star in three Transformers movies that made millions and millions of dollars? Some questions will just never be answered! Now, let's never mention Shia LeBoeuf's name again. Unless it's followed by "died today". Yes.

Narrator: Do all Scottish people wear kilts?

Ask That Guy: Every single one of them. Now I know what you're thinking; haven't I've seen some Scottish people wearing pants? Well, they're very, very sneaky that way. You see, they take the same fabric as the kilt, cut it up, roll it into the pants like material, and then paint it a different color. That way, it looks like they're wearing pants the whole time. When really, it was always a kilt. Not that there's anything wrong with wearing a kilt. I'm wearing one right now! The jean version! And in case you're wondering, I AM going full Scottish. (whispers) I dyed it red! It looks like the hair of that princess in Brave! (shudders with delight) Think about that tonight.

Narrator: Why are you acting so cray-cray?

Ask That Guy: Well if by the first cray you mean "Mass homicidal" and by the second cray you mean "to small children", because it's fun! I think the real question is; Why are you not? That's right, it's a short answer. Deal with it.

Narrator: I was working the other day and some guy passing by gave me a "thumbs up". What gang does that represent?

Ask That Guy: The feuding gangs of the Siskel and Eberts, obviously! You see, Siskel and Ebert's rivalry was so legendary, that there were actual gangs forged from them. Everybody always thinks that the Bloods and the Crips are warring because of territory, or other disputes. But it's not. It's for two dorky movie critics. Have you ever seen Gene Siskel's bandannas or Roger Ebert's tattoos? They're amazing! I saw them once, but then I was sworn to secrecy never to talk about it. (beat) Do you wanna know some other things I was sworn to secrecy never to talk about? You wanna know who killed JFK? Siskel and Ebert. Did you know the moon landing was fake? Yes! They just landed on Gene Siskel's head. And the astronaut was Ebert. Pretty much any conspiracy you don't know the answer to usually comes back to Siskel and Ebert. I know this, because I'm making it up. But don't tell anybody that! It's the internet. They're liable to believe me.

Narrator: What color is a mirror?

Ask That Guy: The color of you! (he forms a rainbow with his hands) Plus, mirrors don't have colors you fucking idiot. I suggest you break one and eat it immediately. With onions!

Narrator: Can you beat box?

Ask That Guy: Of course I can! (he grabs an empty box and punches it away) For schnizzle.

Narrator: If three people having sex is called a threesome and four people having sex is called a foursome, then what does it really mean when someone calls you handsome?

Ask That Guy: (chuckles) Isn't it obvious? That's when a bunch of hands get together and have an orgy! My hand seems to do it all the time. (holds up his left hand) Isn't that right, hand? (silence) I'm sorry, I called him by his wrong name. Isn't that left hand? (silence) He's just shy. Really nervous today. Come on hand. Share all your orgy adventures! (longer silence. The hand turns to face the camera)

Left Hand: (whispers) He's crazy! He's talking to hands!

Narrator: Why does the sunshine?

Ask That Guy: Because he has such a happy personality. Unlike other suns who are just miserable and dicks. Like Shia LeBoeuf! He was somebody's son once. But not anymore! They disowned him. Now I know what you're thinking; These Shia LeBoeuf jokes seem very obvious and easy to make. Well, so are the Transformers movies.

("IT'S GOOD!!!" A buzzer sounds and the crowd goes wild!  Ask That Guy celebrates)

Announcer: Oh, I can't believe he made that! Oh, what a shot! What a shot!

Narrator: Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

Ask That Guy: The same reason we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. Or wear a pair of panties but only one bra. Or Iceland is green and Greenland is ice. How we can stuff our stomachs but can stomach Stuff-it. Or how my pinkie's not pink and black people are just white people in disguise. (beat) You didn't know that one? (whispers) Siskel and Ebert are behind that too. (chuckles) No, I'm only kidding. It was Helen Keller behind that one. Nobody ever suspects her.

Narrator: Why don't we all freeze our diarrhea in an ice tray and serve mean people drinks with the shitty ice cubes?

Ask That Guy: Who says I haven't?  (Moonlight Sonata is suddenly replaced by scary satanic music)  That's right internet! If you're drinking anything right now that has ice cubes in it, you know what's really in there. Does it taste good? Does it? Does it taste delicious? (Moonlight Sonata suddenly picks up again) Well, that's to be expected. And you can buy my shit anytime you want at TheAwesomeStore.com (a graphic appears reading "Ask That's Guy's Shit; Now on sale for $10000000000000000..... @ TheAwesomeStore.com). It's also great for watering your garden and fertilizing it all at the same time!  Shit on the internet, because people are dumb enough to buy it.

Narrator: Do you wanna build a snowman?

Ask That Guy: (suddenly serious) How did you know about my plan about regenerating life into that of a dead snowman? I thought all my research on that was burned! Along with the snowman! Well let me tell you, every person wants to play God once in a while! Maybe even twice in a while! Three times! Ok, I swear I only killed four orphan children to get this experiment to work. Five. Six if you don't count the one whose brain I replaced with a dog. Or two dogs. Three. Ok, four but that's my final offer! (*ka-ching* "SOLD"!) It was nice doing business with you.

Narrator: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Ask That Guy: Bringing to life another snowman! (he shudders with delight)

Narrator: Do YOU have a question?

Ask That Guy: (surprised and speechless) ...My god. Really? Nobody's ever asked me that before. I... I'm kinda caught off guard. I mean, nobody has ever bothered to think if I wanted to ask a question. Any question! Any question in the world and I can finally ask it. I can finally unveil it the universe! This question that I've always wanted to ask and just needed someone to ask me if I could ask the question! Oh god! I've waited so long, universe! I've waited so long to put this out there! I'm so excited to do it I could just burst--

(And Ask That Guy literally explodes. We are left with the bookshelf for several silent seconds.  Eventually, Chester A. Bum peaks into the shot and surveys the remains of Ask That Guy)

Chester A. Bum: ...Um... I think that's it. I don't think he's coming back from that one. The man was so excited, it blew him apart.... Kind of a downer. But then again, he was an awful person. So maybe, it's OK in the end. Well, uh... seeing how there's no more "That Guy With The Glasses", I don't think it makes sense to call it "thatguywiththeglasses.com" anymore. Um... "ChannelAwesome.com" sound good to you guys? Yeah? Ok. Um... (Chester grabs the pipe. The last few bars of Moonlight Sonata play)  This is Chester A. Bum saying... there's no such thing as putting two in the bank that's worth two in the bush. (He looks down and finds the box Ask That Guy punched earlier) Oh! There's my home! (Chester walks off with his box)

( THE END )