Soapy the Germ Fighter

NOTE: Doug's riffs are voiceovered.

(We hear an orchestra tuning up as we fade in on a CG red curtain.)

Doug: (speaking in a deep voice) Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs!" (the title appears in hand-drawn letters) Today, That Guy looks at what happens when you take cleanliness and mix it with the worst images of your nightmares. Sit back, and enjoy. (hisses like Hannibal Lecter as music and visuals fade)

(Fade in on the production logo: "Avis Films Inc. presents"; the A and F are done like a bullet shape and front a red shield)

Doug: Avis Films, making your films look phallic for 69 years! We also did the Little Mermaid poster. (fade through black to the title: "Soapy the Germ Fighter") And professional abuse counselor, but, uh, (chuckles) you don't want to know about that.

(Dissolve to the credits: "Educational Collaborator: Katherine V. Bishop, Ed.D., Consultant in Elementary Education, American Education Press; All Rights of Reproductions, Including for Television, Are Reserved By AVIS FILMS, INC., Hollywood California"; oddly, the credits are slightly angled)

Doug: Boy, Mrs. Bishop really built herself up, didn't she? If she's so smart, how come she didn't get her title cards straight?

(The films begins: a boy is sitting in a bathtub, bathing himself)

Doug: Whoops! We accidentally put in Jeffrey Jones' private videos!

Female narrator: Billy Martin is one of the nicest boys in our town. He's one of the cleanest boys, too.

(Cut to Billy now out of the bathtub and wearing a bathroom)

Doug: (slightly startled by the abruptness of the cut) D'ah! He's also a good teleporter.

Female narrator: Billy has always been a nice boy.

Doug: (imitating Billy, sounding nervous) I'm a nice boy, I'm a nice boy!