Battle of the Commercials

(The usual opening shot of the explosion occurs, but the NC is revealed wielding not a gun, but a remote control. Through the hole made by the explosion, it is revealed that instead of his usual wardrobe, the NC is wearing his "I Donut Donuts" shirt. The title music begins all the while, but with the push of a button on his control, the music stops abruptly, after which, the NC pushes the holed screen away.)

NC: (the caption "WHO" appears in green) Nostalgia Critic. (the caption "WHAT" appears, also in green) Reviewing commercials. (the caption "TITLE" appears, once more in green) Like you give a shit. COMMERCIALS!!!

(Once again, as in the past, we are treated to the same old opening sequence: the "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages...

(The title "Like You Give a Shit" is shown.)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Spider-Man for the Atari 2600
(TV static transition to:  Spider-Man Atari 2600 game  commercial)

(The Green Goblin jumps on the roof of a building, holding a lit bomb and cackling)

NC (vo): Uh-oh, what's the Green Goblin up to now? (Goblin looks toward Spider-Man, who is playing a Spider-Man game on the Atari 2600) Oh, no! He's forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game!

NC: (looking around shiftily) Actually, that is kind of evil.

Green Goblin: Watch yourself fall, silk-slinger!

NC (vo): This is an enjoyably goofy commercial, but what really sells it is the guy playing the Goblin.

Green Goblin: (his voice somewhat distorted) Try to get a better time, Spider-Man! (cackles)

NC (vo): I think his dentist put meth in his laughing gas.

Green Goblin: (cackles) If I don't get you, webhead, my gang of nasties will!

Spider-Man: Holy Hannah!

NC: (amused) I love this guy!

NC (vo): (as the Goblin goes crazy just before leaping down) He can't even leave the frame without going nuts!

Green Goblin: (dropping off building) WHOO-HOO-HOO!

(The Goblin is shown leaping up again and squatting down, revealing his groin, which an arrow points out)

NC (vo): Stop presenting! Show some dignity when you're in that costume!

Spider-Man: Holy Hannah!

Green Goblin: And you're running out of (barely audible) FLUUUUIIIIID!

NC (vo): What's he even saying here? He's so excited I can't make it out!

Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID!

NC: (confused) What??

Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID!

NC: Okay, I've watched this over a hundred times, I've studied it, I've analyzed every possibility; I still don't know what the hell he's saying!

Green Goblin: You're running out of FLUUUUUUIIIIIID!

NC: (sighs) Here are my closest guesses.

(A montage is shown, showing the Goblin saying, "You're running out of fluid", along with various interpretations of the line, each displayed as a green subtitle:)

Guess #1: You're running out of Blue Whip! (an image of a bowl of Kraft Blue Whip is displayed in the corner)

Guess #2: You're running out of Glue Lids! (an image of various bottles of Elmer's Glue is displayed, some with lids and some without, is displayed)

Guess #3: You're running out of Bloo Wigs! (an image of Bloo (from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends) wearing a wig is displayed)

Guess #4: You're running out of Flu Weed! (an image of a sick man with a thermometer in his mouth while someone gives him some weed is shown)

(The montage ends)

Green Goblin: (dropping off the roof) WHOO-HOO-HOO!

NC: We laughed at this, but honestly, it's not too far off from what some of the movies have.

(Cut to a clip of the rooftop scene in the first Spider-Man movie)

NC (vo): If Goblin and Spider-Man can relax on a roof in those ridiculous outfits, playing an Atari game isn't too far off.

Green Goblin: (voiced by Doug; grabbing Spider-Man) I could crush you like a bug right now! But, let's play video games instead.

(The Goblin and Spider-Man are now seen playing the Spider-Man Atari game)

Green Goblin: Seriously, you told her you hunch?

Spider-Man: (also voiced by Doug) Yeah, I thought it was a good pickup line for some reason.

Green Goblin: Well, it's got to be less awkward than how I cut a Thanksgiving turkey or crawled on the floor to a chair with a Spencer's mask on it.

Spider-Man: Yeah, let's hope nothing as ridiculous is in our near future.

Green Goblin: Outside of a song-and-dance number, how could it be?

(Cut back to the game commercial)

NC (vo): What can I say, but web-slinging fun never looked so... pixelated.

Announcer: Is this more action than even Spider-Man can handle?

Green Goblin: (dropping off building) WHOO-HOO-HOO!

(Cut to the Parker Brothers logo at the end of the commercial)

Announcer: Spider-Man, a video game from Parker Brothers, the ones to beat.

Federal Express Air Cargo Playset
(TV static transition to:  Federal Express Air Cargo Playset  commercial)

Kid #1: Here comes Federal Express!

NC: (feigned surprise) Whoa! Stand back! The world's most exciting toys are here!

Kid #2: Ready on the ground!

Announcer: This is the Federal Express air cargo playset.

NC (vo): Yeah, I remember how jealous I was of the kids that had Federal Express playsets.

NC: Here I was, watching the side of...

(Cut to a shot of the NC staring open-mouthed at the side of his house)

NC (vo): ...my painted house dry.

NC: (feigned excitement) I had no idea there was something even more boring!

Announcer: The door is opened, and a real conveyor system inside the plane moves the containers into the cargo bay.

NC (vo): Hey, slow down! There's only so much excitement we can take!

Announcer: Now Federal Express takes off again with cargo for Phoenix.

NC: (arms crossed) I have enough intensity with my Pet Rock, thank you very much.

Announcer: They're put in containers, loaded on trailers, and taken to the plane.

Kid #1: Wow!

NC: (more than a little confused) Did that really deserve a "wow"?

NC (vo): I could barely muster an "eh?".

Announcer: The van delivers packages to the airport.

Kid #2: Wow!

NC (vo, as kid): I'm prepared for a lifetime of disappointment!

Announcer: New York, Miami...

NC: Yeah, this commercial's pretty much as boring as it sounds. Come on, guys, you had the Micro Machine man...

(Cut to a shot of a Federal Express commercial, featuring John Moschitta, the Micro Machines announcer)

NC (vo): ...working for you! Couldn't you utilize him somehow?

NC: This is so boring, my skin is (holds up his right hand, which is covered in cardboard) actually turning into cardboard!

(Cut to the end of the commercial, with all of the pieces displayed)

Announcer: The Federal Express air cargo playset comes with everything you see here, from Playskool.

NC: (an image of an envelope with the message "Return To Sender" on it appears in the corner) FedEx, putting "return to sender" on your kid's imagination!

Frosted Flakes
(TV static transitions to:  Frosted Flakes  commercial)

Kid #1: (after timing a bobsled race) Think we'll beat that time?

Tony: Sure we will, after this complete breakfast including my Frosted Flakes.

NC (vo): Ah, Tony the Tiger. You represent everything youthful and strong with the voice of (picture of...) an 80-year old.

Bully #1: Let's see if you're any good!

Tony: Frosted Flakes "good"?

Tony & Kid #2: They're GRRRRRREAT!!!!

NC (vo): Though Tony's, of course, still around, there's was a very distinct formula that was used in the '80s and '90s ads. You see, it always starts with Tony befriending some random kid at some random sports who's always being made fun of by bullies.

Bully #2: You two wanna take a horsey ride?

Bully #3: You two up for a little game?

Bully #4: Hey, you two! The kiddie slope's over there.

Bully #5: You think they'll come in here?

Bully #6: ...they'll just wipe out.

NC: (mimicking bully) Time to tie our sweaters around our chests and throw Cadillacs at puppies. (snorts)

Bully #7: Hope your serve is good.

Bully #8: You guys can have the new kid.

Bully #9: We don't want him. You're stuck with him.

NC (vo): What's wrong with these dipshits? You're making fun of the kid that has a killer predator on his side. This is not gonna end well!

Bully #2: We'll see how good you are.

NC: (mimicking bully) What are you gonna do? Sic your giant animated tiger on me–

(The "giant animated tiger" attacks the screaming NC)

NC (vo): But, of course, it's the great taste of Frosted Flakes.that brings out their inner tiger and transforms them into a sportstar.

Bully #10: See if that'll do any good.

Tony: "Good"?

Tony & Kid #1: They're GRRRRRREAT!!!

(Kid #1 and Tony begin the bobsled race.)

Announcer: (singing) Show 'em you're a tiger! Show 'em what you can do!

NC: (shaking his head in disagreement) I see some false advertising in that.

NC (vo): Some meat, protein bars, vegetables; these are things that can make you a better athlete. Sugar-frosted newspaper cannot.

NC: Nobody says, "You know what would make people who eat (picture in the top-left corner of) Wheaties even stronger? Candy flavoring."

NC (vo): There's even (picture of) chocolate-covered versions with marshmallows. How is any of this supposed to make you a sportstar? If they really wanna be honest with the ads, they'd be like...

(Two bullies (played by Walter Banasiak & Jim Jarosz) confront Hockey Kid (played by Tamara Chambers).)

Bully (Walter): Hey, loser! Sad that your parents died in a car crash?

(The bullies laugh as the Hockey Kid walks away)

Hockey Kid: I'll never be as cool as those guys.

Tuffy (Doug): That's what you think!

Hockey Kid: Tuffy the Tiger!

Tuffy: What you need is a helping of my Tuffy Flakes! It brings out the toughness in you!

Bully (Jim): You think you're any good?

Tuffy: Tuffy Flakes "good"?

Tuffy & Hockey Kid: They're GRRRRRREAT!!!

Tuffy: ...granulated sugar!

Hockey Kid: Wait! What?!

Tuffy: Oh, yes. There's no wheat in this, (we then see...) we just scrap off the tops of sugar cubes and dye them brown.

Hockey Kid: That sounds incredibly unhealthy--

Tuffy: Go get 'em, tiger!

(He pushes the Hockey Kid into game. The bullies easily start winning while Hockey Kid starts becoming exhausted as Tuffy approaches her.)

Singer (Doug): Show 'em that you're a Tuffy! Show 'em what you can do!

Hockey Kid: I'm sluggish and slow.

Tuffy: You just need more Tuffy Flakes!

(He shoves a handful into her mouth.)

Tuffy: Keep 'em guessin', tiger!

(He pushes her into the game again. The bullies continue to win while Hockey Kid stumbles and Tuffy puts the Tuffy Flakes cereal box next to her.)

Singer: It makes some weird girring sounds because you know what's cool.

Tuffy: Problem?

Hockey Kid: I feel dizzy and weak!

Tuffy: Eh, hat's just the diabetes setting in. What you need is some insulin.

(He jabs insulin into Hockey Kid's back. Hockey Kid screams in agony as Tuffy pours Tuffy Flakes in her mouth)

Tuffy: Keep 'em on their toes, tiger!

(He once again pushes her into the game. The bullies begin celebrating their victory while Hockey Kid loses consciousness and dies with Tuffy trying to force her to get back up, but finally gives up.)

Singer: You start your breakfast right with what most people call dessert. When you have a taste of Tuffy's Tuffy Flakes...it brings out the toughness in you.

(We then see Hockey Kid's grave and Tuffy standing next to his cereal box. There's a text under the cereal box that says "IT'S JUST CORN FLAKES WITH FROSTING!")

Tuffy: They're GRRRRRROSSELY misadvertised!

(Back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Well, it's still fun and Tony's such a great mascot. It's hard not to get sucked into all the sports-tastic propaganda.

Bully #7: That's a good hit!

Singer: It brings out the tiger in you!

Tony: And you!

Simon
(TV static transitions to:  Simon  commercial)

(A group of kids is gathered in the same place)

NC: Whoa. What are all these kids gathered around for?

Boy: It's Johnny.

(Another boy in a black jacket, named Johnny, walks to the stump on which the Simon game is)

Girl: He's gonna play Simon.

Boy: Nobody beats Simon.

NC: Hey, hey, stand back! Son of a bitch thinks he can take on Simon.

(Johnny walks through the crowd and takes off his jacket. He hands it to another girl, who looks really happy to be holding it)

NC: Wow, girl! I think that jacket just put you through early puberty.

NC (vo, as the girl): I will smell Johnny's jacket all through the night. Smells like SpaghettiOs and victory.

Johnny: I want you, Simon.

NC (as Johnny): I want to blow away this easily impressed group of fourth graders.

(As Johnny is pressing the buttons on the game, the announcer speaks)

Announcer: Simon is the challenge you've been waiting for. And if you get very good at Simon, great rewards await you.

NC: (laughs) Yes. If you take on the challenge of pushing beeping buttons, you get the great reward of them beeping without you pushing them!

Announcer: It takes coordination of hand and mind just to play the game.

(Johnny wins)

Johnny: Thank you, Simon.

(He throws up his arm in triumph as the kids cheer)

NC (vo): I love how politely he thanks the machine before he soaks up the victory.

(The scene is replayed)

NC (as Johnny): (puts both of his hands in the air and screams) AAAAAAAH! (normal) I want to thank you for a challenging game. It really did well to enhance my reflexes--AAAAAAAH!

(The kids are still cheering)

Johnny: Thank you, Simon.

NC (vo): Look at these kids! It's just Simon, guys! I mean, what do you think this is? Crossfire?

NC: You may be cool, Simon, but you're not "Crossfire being played by Dante Basco dressed as Firebender Zuko" cool.

(A behind-the-scenes clip showing Dante Basco, who's dressed as Zuko, playing Crossfire, is shown briefly. NC clenches his fist to the camera while the Crossfire jingle plays out)

NC (vo): Check out the look he gives when the girl puts the jacket on him. He's just like... (in a deep voice) "Girl, you're my bitch now."

NC: (still talking in a deep voice) Simon says I own your ass. (nods)

NC (vo): It ain't Crossfire, but as game commercials go, it's a close second.

(The scene of Johnny soaking up the victory and the kids cheering for him is shown once more. The girl puts the jacket on Johnny, and he starts to walk away, but then turns to look at the camera)

Announcer: Simon is waiting for you. From Milton Bradley.

NC (vo, as Johnny): You're my bitch now.

Burger King Kids Club
(TV static transitions to:  Burger King Kids Club  commercial)

Kid #1: One kids' meal.

(Kid Vid suddenly appears right in front of him.)

Kid #1: Please?

Kid Vid: Right away.

NC (vo): So we all know McDonald's has Ronald McDonald, but for a while, Burger King had the Burger King Kids Club. It lasted for a good chunk of time until they realized the '90s wanted to die, and this was the last remaining thread of them. I mean, look at them. They're drenched in the '90s. It even has all the '90s token characters: the token geeky kid, the token Hispanic kid, the token black kid, the token wheelchair kid, and... ooh, two token girls?

NC: (in high-pitched voice, with his hands on cheeks) The '90s aren't ready!

NC (vo): Truth be told, it was kinda neat to have such a wide variety, but they never really had any characteristics like the McDonald's commercials.

(Cut to a variety of clips featuring McDonald's characters)

NC (vo): Roland was confidently goofy, Grimace was a doofus, Hamburglar was a troublemaker.

(Cut back to the Burger King Kids Club commercial)

NC (vo): What are these kids' story?

NC: Um...

NC (vo): ...they kidnap kids through black magic?

Mother (vo): Don't forget to clean your room.

Kid #2: It's not that bad.

(He opens the door to his room, only to be avalanched by his dirty laundry; then, Kid Vid transports him to Burger King)

NC (vo, mimicking Kid Vid): This'll take you away from your ethical obligations.

Kid #2: All right!

NC (vo): They... take pictures of boys bathing?

NC: Okay, you and (pictures of Token Girl #1 and Simon Girl #2 appear in top left and right corners, respectively) this girl (the Simon Girl) need a talking to.

NC (vo): Turn away people they don't like?

Kid Vid: Who belongs to the Burger King Kids Club? (a boy) He does! (a girl) She does! (a T-Rex) I don't think so.

NC (vo): Wh--you're turning away dinosaurs? What's wrong with you? Your coolness would've gone up a million percent if you had a T-Rex as a member!

Kid Vid: (two kids) Definitely yes! (three bagpipers) Definitely not!

NC: For a crew that's trying to be so "open and accepting", you sure are saying "no" to a lot of people!

(The scene with the bagpipers is repeated.)

NC: Screw bagpipe players! They can go to hell!

NC (vo): No wonder your characters never sold that great.

Mother #2: Hey, guys, wanna go to the toy store?

Kids #3 & #4: Nah!

NC (mimicking a kid): Burger King made toys boring. I don't know if they'll ever get a reaction from us aga–

(The Burger King appears.)

NC (mimicking a kid): Ahh! Spoke too soon!

NC (vo): A valiant attempt, but if they don't even mention their names in the commercials, all we're gonna see 'em as is the black kid, the Hispanic kid, and...Cyclops.

(Cut to a clip from X-Men (2000), where Wolverine is meeting the X-Men for the first time)

Wolverine (to Professor X): What do they call you? Wheels?

NC: Actually, yes. (there's a picture of the wheelchair kid in the top left corner and his name, "Wheels", is under him) Awkward.

Kid Vid: The Burger King Kids Club! It's just for fun! And just for you!

Wolverine: This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Oreo Cookies
(TV static transitions to: Oreo Cookies commercial)

(A boy is putting together a Tinker Toy set)

Announcer: (singing) Oh, oh, oh! (the boy gets an idea, smiling, and picks up an Oreo cookie) Bright ideas and an Oreo cookie...

NC (vo): Always a classic jingle for a classic product. But while we all remember how to dunk and eat an Oreo cookie, what is up with these kids' reaction to them? I swear, you could freeze any of these, and it looks like the Oreos are opening up the Dark Dimension from Doctor Strange.

(A montage is shown, in which the kids in the commercial have tapped into the aforementioned Dark Dimension)

NC (vo): (focusing on a black boy in this commercial) Look! Even transform this kid into a young Bill Cosby!

NC: Which is probably gonna be very bad in the future!

(Cut briefly to a Jello commercial featuring Bill Cosby)

Bill Cosby: (rapping) You got the wiggles and the jiggles all over the place!

NC: (shaking his head) That takes on a whole new meaning.

(One boy, eating an Oreo cookie in the commercial, looks directly into the camera, eyes wide open with excitement)

NC (vo): Don't look directly into this boy's eyes, it'll send you directly to Hell!

(As ominous music plays in the background, it cuts back and forth between the wide-eyed boy and a terrified NC, trying not to look into the boy's eyes)

NC (as boy, ominously): I eat Jesus!

(NC screams like a girl at this; cut to the end of the Oreo commercial: the Nabisco logo appears in the corner)

Announcer: (singing) Nabisco! (to a ding, the words "Nabisco Brands" appears next to the Nabisco logo)

Game Boy
(TV static transitions to:  Game Boy  commercial)

(A robot appears)

Announcer: They said it wasn't humanly possible.

NC (vo): Well, here it is, folks. The first-ever Game Boy commercial.

NC: And I'm not gonna lie... They may have overhyped it.

Announcer: Now you can have all the power and excitement of Nintendo right in the palm of your hands.

NC (vo): Really? All the power and excitement of Nintendo, huh?

NC: Is that why in this 30-second commercial, there's only (holds up index finger) one second of gameplay in it?

NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. (there is a single clip of a game played, which is "Tetris") This is the only clip of game footage they show.

NC: But... look!

NC (vo): Giant robots on Doctor Who sets like it! And even that's a little awkward. I'm sorry, but seeing a giant machine come out and hold a calculator like a texting Gort doesn't look especially intimidating.

NC: (texting on his phone; speaking in robot voice) The loser has to watch (a poster for the Keanu Reeves version of "The Day The Earth Stood Still" appears) the Keanu Reeves version.

Announcer: And its games are interchangeable. Plus, Game Boy comes with the outrageous new game Tetris.

NC: (laughs) Outrageous Tetris, huh? There's many words to describe Tetris, but "outrageous" isn't usually one of them.

NC (vo): So outrageous that only one second of it can be shown. To show the rest of it would blow your mind too much!

(In the commercial, the boy playing Game Boy with the robot zaps the latter, causing it to disappear)

NC: Okay, if you want to do an ad truthfully, you do it like this...

(The commercial plays again)

NC (vo, as announcer): Now you can have all the power and excitement of Nintendo right in the palm of your hands! And by "all", we mean literally one color, roughly four bits, and a variety of maybe five sound effects. Really crappy robots from the '60s love it!

(Cut to footage of Sonic Game Gear games and a comparison with Game Boy)

NC (vo, as announcer): You could go to Game Gear, which, in hindsight, was a million times better, but because ours was a tiny bit smaller, it bombed! Enjoy what your mom will be playing on her phone in twenty years!

NC (vo, as robot): Wait, does my existence rely on this? I totally didn't know that– (kid zaps robot, making it disappear)

Announcer: Game Boy, only from Nintendo!

NC (vo): A fun ad, even if it is over-hyped.

Announcer: Now you're playing with power! Portable power!

Eggo Waffles
(TV static transitions to:  Eggo Waffles  commercial)

Kid #1: Every morning at this time, Dad puts one of those great Eggo Waffles in the toaster.

NC (vo): Yep, who can forget "Leggo my Eggo"? The catchphrase nobody said because nobody would ever fight for it.

Kid #2: Leggo my Eggo!

Santa Claus: Leggo my Eggo!

Dad #1: Leggo my Eggo!

NC (vo): But in the commercials, everybody wanted one and would go to crazy lengths to get it. Even though there were clearly many left behind, I feel like these are some extreme lengths to go to, eh, get one of them. What, they come in like packets of eight? Twelve? Y-Y-You can... come on, guys.

Kid #2: Time has arrived for the Eggo stealth suit.

NC (vo): Probably, the most extreme is a kid that created an invisibility suit – WITH SCIENCE!

Dad #2: Leggo my Eggo!

NC (vo): You're sinning against time and nature for an Eggo Waffle! The world is not ready for such technology... or deliciousness! It's cute and all, but if these ideas were done today, I think they might've gone a different direction.

(Cut to a parody of a '90s commercial)

Kid #3 (Malcolm): My dad always tries to get my Eggo Waffle in the morning before I do, but with my Black Arts magic, the advantage is mine. (pulls out a book, which is really Gravity Falls Journal 3) Iwillcallforward mrmagoo, ebereigis asantesana, ishiraskabareshfoto...

(The waffle flies onto the kid's plate)

Kid #3: And that's how it's done.

(Eleven from Stranger Things, played by Tamara, suddenly enters the room)

Kid #3: Oh, no, you don't, Eleven! This Eggo Waffle is mine! Iviniuscorofu, wingardium leviosa, aintenough parachutto, keneti parapeshto, vereparanan anavareushtottu, asante sana squash banana...

(As the kid continues to chant, Eleven's nose bleeds. The kid starts groaning in agony. Eleven winks and the kid's neck snaps and he falls dead to the ground. Eleven picks up the plate and stares at the camera, which starts zooming in on her. Jump cut to a Eggo Waffles close-up, like in the endings of most commercials)

Announcer (Malcolm): Eggo Waffles is part of a complete breakfast. Leggo my–

(The camera turns to Eleven who shakes her head no)

Announcer: I'll shut up.

(Back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Weird, but harmless enough, Eggo knows how to focus on Stranger Things.

Kids #4 & #5: What are you doing, Daddy?

(Dad #1 turns off the light)

(TV static transitions to NC)

NC: And then, there's weird ones like this that either show you an advertisement or show you nothing but black. I never got them. Tell me what you think.

(And we, indeed, cut to black and/or see a commercial before returning to the NC)

NC: Weird, right? So random.

Care Bears
(TV static transitions to:  Care Bears  commercial)

Birthday Bear: Shopping makes me hungry, Love-a-Lot Bear.

Love-a-Lot Bear: Birthday cake! My favorite!

NC (vo): (sounding resigned) Yeah, as many of you know, the Care Bears were a thing for a while, and that included toys. I'm not even sure I always got them. Like, one was for dress-up. Did... girls like to dress up bears? Was that a thing?

Girl #1: (as Birthday Bear) But I'm already dressed!

Girl #2 & #3: In what?

Girl #1: (as Birthday Bear) In my birthday suit!

NC: (laughs sarcastically) We're nudist and proud! (looks angry)

NC (vo): But strangely enough, the most frightening thing is when they would speak. I know that doesn't sound like anything, but just listen to when they talk.

Female announcer: (as a girl is talking on the phone) Someone wants to talk to you.

(A Secret Bear toy is seated upright with its arm around a phone; a girl pulls on a pull-string behind it so that it talks)

Secret Bear: I'm Secret Bear.

(NC shudders)

Girl: (running up to Secret Bear) We got braces!

Secret Bear: (when another girl pulls on pull-string) I promise I won't tell.

NC: Christ, did she take voice lessons from the girl in The Ring?

Secret Bear: I'm Secret Bear.

NC: (imitating Secret Bear) Seven days!

McDonald's Mac Tonight
(TV static transitions to:  McDonald's Mac Tonight  commercial)

Mac Tonight: (singing to "Mack the Knife" as he plays the piano) When the clock strikes...

NC (vo): This character was kind of cool. He was called Mac Tonight, also known as Moon Man. His whole purpose was to let you know that McDonald's was open later and... dare we say, a classy place to hang out at night?

NC: The answer is no, you may not dare to say that.

Mac Tonight: (signing) At McDonald's... (stops singing briefly) Showtime! (finishes dramatically) It's Mac Tonight!

NC (vo): The ads looked cool and the character was pretty neat, but... I'm sorry, this would never convince anyone McDonald's is an upscale place to be. It just ain't gonna happen!

(The NC is seen pretending to eat something, while Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays in the background)

NC: (British accent) Mmmm, these McNuggets are especially chickenless today. (looks to his left) Oh, hello, Andre!

(Cut to another shot of the NC, who looks to his right and speaks in a slightly higher pitch, but still British)

NC: Oh, hello, Alexander! I was busy having a griddle of the "Mc" variety.

NC (as Alexander): Oh, how frightfully witty. Ohohohoho!

NC (as Andre): Ohohohoho! Why, isn't that Julius from Walmart?

(A man in a top hat and monocle, the logo for The New Yorker, walks up)

New Yorker Logo: Never mind me, I'm just seeing if they have the McLobster.

NC (as Andre): Oh, is that a thing?

NC (as Alexander): Yes! (looks to the camera, while a shot of the actual McLobster appears in the corner; drops accent) Yes, that is. (looks disgusted)

(Back to the Mac Tonight ad)

NC (vo): I guess it doesn't help that this moon guy is also a little creepy. Just watch what happens when you switch out the music from this actual ad they used to play.

(The ad in question is of a boy studying in a darkened room, except for a light on his desk, when his window opens; horror music plays; the kid shrugs and goes on studying, while a shadow of Mac Tonight appears on the wall; suddenly, Mac starts singing his theme, but it's very faint, drowned out by the horror movie; the boy runs over to the window and looks out while eating a McDonald's hamburger; Mac is seated on the roof of the house)

Mac Tonight: (singing faintly) It's Mac Toniiiiight...!

NC (vo, as Mac Tonight): (whispering) I will stab your heart with my chiiiiiin...!

(Cut to an image of a book by Bruce Campbell: "If Chins Could Kill - Confessions of a B Movie Actor")

NC (vo, still as Mac): Only I and Bruce Campbell can do that.

(Back to the Mac Tonight ad)

NC (vo): Still a cool character, even if he is a bit nightmare-inducing.

Mac Tonight: (finishes singing, while playing a piano on a giant hamburger) It's Mac Toniiiiight! Come on, make it Mac Tonight!

(One last note of his song plays dramatically as the words "Mac Tonight", shown in neon lights, flicker out)

My Interactive Pooh
(TV static transition to:  My Interactive Pooh  commercial)

Female announcer: Meet the absolutely remarkable My Interactive Pooh.

NC: (snickering; double facepalming himself) Oh, my God!

Pooh: Where's Eeyore?

(The corresponding CD-ROM game's image on the computer screen shows Eeyore emerging from behind a tree)

Girl: Here?

Pooh: (as girl cuddles him) Hooray, you found Eeyore.

Female announcer: An extraordinary new Pooh.

NC: (amused, with his head resting on his hand) Why are we talking about extraordinary new poo? Are we having lunch with Grandpa again?

Female announcer: Pooh interacts with your child and computer for hours.

NC: (shaking his head) That sounds very unsanitary.

Female announcer: Download and take Pooh fun anywhere.

NC: "Take poo fun anywhere." I'd imagine you'd get arrested for something like that.

Pooh: Hello, Jenna.

Jenna: Pooh knows my name!

NC: (trying not to laugh) Okay, I'm way too childish to talk about... a children's commercial, but let's just say this isn't my number-one commercial, but it's definitely (holds index and middle fingers on right hand) my number-two.

Children: (singing) A whole new way to play!

Female announcer: Incredible new My Interactive Pooh.

NC (vo): (snickering) Okay.

Federal Equal Pay Law PSA with '60s Batman
(TV static transition to:  Federal Equal Pay Law PSA  commercial)

(Inside a building, a bomb is ticking, while Batman and Robin are tied together)

NC (vo): Wow, this goes back: a PSA from when the Adam West Batman show was still on. (Batgirl swings into frame) Let's see what '60s Batman had to throw at us.

Batman: Quick, Batgirl, untie us before it's too late.

Batgirl: It's already too late. I've worked for you a long time, and I'm paid less than Robin. (Robin smiles)

NC: (surprised beyond belief; gasping for breath) What?!

Robin: Holy discontent!

Batgirl: The same job, same employer means equal pay for men and women.

Batman: No time for jokes, Batgirl.

(NC twitches and blinks his eyes in surprise)

Batgirl: It's no joke, it's the Federal Equal Pay Law. (clock on bomb starts ringing)

Robin: Holy Act of Congress!

(NC keeps looking surprised)

Batman: Can we talk about this later?

(With a wave of her cape, Batgirl looks toward the bomb, its clock still ringing)

Batman Announcer: (as Batman theme plays) Will Batgirl save the Dynamic Duo? Will she get equal pay?

(The following message is displayed: "U.S. Department of Labor, Wage & Hour Division - (c) 1973 National Periodical Publications, Inc."; NC looks more and more confused by this)

Batman Announcer: Contact the Wage & Hour Division, Department of Labor.

(NC interrupts the commercial, clearly astounded)

NC: Okay... where do I start with this?

NC (vo): Adam West is really phoning it in, isn't he? His life is on the line, yet it sounds like he's teaching a geometry class!

Batman: Quick, Batgirl, untie us before it's too late.

NC: (as Batman) And please tell me the property 4x.

NC (vo): Second, Batman's kind of an asshole.

Batgirl: Equal pay for men and women.

Batman: No time for jokes, Batgirl.

NC (vo): Wow! What a douche!

NC: (as Batman) I mean, come on! Your vagina alone docks you, like, 20 percent.

NC (vo): Even Robin's like, "C'mon, you crazy dame! We gave you the vote; what else do you want?"

NC: (holding up three fingers) Third, (shrugging) superheroes get paid?!

NC (vo): When did this start? Are superheroes getting regular wages? Do they have a union? Plus, I don't know what the paychecks are, but the idea of anyone getting paid less than Robin is friggin' hilarious!

NC: (holding up four fingers) Fourth, she's just gonna let Batman die?!

NC (vo): Kids at home must be pissing themselves! She's about to kill their favorite hero AND a young boy! Batgirl's gonna become everyone's most hated character since (a cover for Batman: The Killing Joke pops up) The Killing Joke!

NC: (holds up five fingers) Fifth, even with the threat of killing Batman, women still aren't given equal pay! (shrugs again)

NC (vo): This was made back in the '60s, and it's still unequal! We'd rather see one of our favorite superheroes die than give a few more bucks to these weird, titted creatures! Dude, if that's not gonna do anything, I don't know what will.

NC: (holding up six fingers, astonished) Sixth, while it is well-intentioned, is this really the best time for Batgirl to bring this up?

NC (vo): Couldn't they, like, sit down and discuss a back-and-forth or protest or, I don't know, "call your Congressman", like you just said? I mean, how awkward must things be for Batman and Batgirl after this situation?

(Cut to a parody of this PSA: inside a warehouse, Batgirl (played by Tamara) is bound near a ticking bomb; a window is heard shattering as Batman (played by Doug) jumps in and poses proudly)

Batgirl: Batman, defuse the bomb!

(Batman reaches out to defuse the bomb, but then stops)

Batman: You know, this reminds me of the time when I was in a similar situation.

Batgirl: Yes, I remember.

Batman: Yeah, and you were gonna let me explode if you didn't get equal pay.

Batgirl: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

(Batman looks toward the bomb again, but then looks away again)

Batman: (looking thoughtful) You know, world hunger is still a big issue.

Batgirl: Batman, not now!

Batman: No, no, no, I'm serious! I'm actually thinking, maybe we should put your life on the line until we get world hunger sol– You know what? You stay there and blow up, I'm gonna go get my PowerPoint presentation.

(Batman starts to leave, but suddenly his neck snaps and he falls to the ground dead; Eleven from the Eggo Waffles sketch approaches, and with the nod of her head, the bomb stops ticking; she then looks toward Batgirl, still bound, and nods; Batgirl nods back; Eleven walks off)

Batgirl: (looking around) ...Okay, I'm still here, though.

(Cut back to the actual PSA)

NC (vo): A well-meaning message done in a hilariously ridiculous way, what else could you say but "Holy Acts of Congress"?

Batman Announcer: Contact the Wage & Hour Division, Department of Labor.

North American House Hippo Canada PSA
(TV static transition to:  North American House Hippo Canada PSA  commercial)

NC (vo): Here's another PSA from... (the caption "Canada" is shown) Canada?! Oh, no.

NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (dons a soldier's helmet and brings out a large machine gun, aiming it at the camera) I've been fooled by your PSAs before, Canada! You always try to make them look so friendly and nice, but then there's rape whistles and face burnings and putting things in your mouth! Well, I'm ready for you this time, Canada! Do your worst!

(The commercial shows an empty house in the middle of the night)

Narrator: It's nighttime in a kitchen just like yours.

NC: (aiming gun) Uh-huh.

Narrator: All is quiet. (a cat is shown) Or is it?

(A tiny hippo is shown walking into the house)

NC: Blah-blah-blah. What the shit was that?!

Narrator: The North American house hippo is found throughout Canada and the eastern United States. (a map is shown describing that fact)

NC: (rolling eyes in confusion) ...What?

Narrator: House hippos are very timid creatures and they're rarely seen. (cat notices tiny hippo) But they will defend their territory when provoked. (the hippo is shown bathing inside the cat's dish of milk) They come out at night to search for food, water, materials for their nests.

NC: What? They're-they're-they're-they're-they're... They eat children or something! (aims his gun again)

(The hippo is shown eating several foods)

Narrator: The favorite foods of the house hippo are chips, raisins, and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast.

NC: (cocking his gun) I'm not falling for your cuteness, Canada! (aims his gun again) Where are you going with this?!

Narrator: They build their nests in bedroom closets, using lost mittens, dryer lint, and bits of string.

NC: And then they... flamethrower your family? Don't smoke?

Narrator: House hippos sleep about 16 hours a day.

(The screen fades to black, then shows the hippo taking care of a baby hippo. We then immediately see that scene on a television set)

Female announcer: That looked really... real. But you knew it couldn't be true, didn't you? That's why it's good to think about what you're watching on TV and ask questions, kind of like you just did. (the Concerned Children's Advertiser's logo is shown on the television) A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers.

(NC is surprised and confused at the same time)

NC: Well, that was... nice. Downright adorable.

(Footage of the previous Canada PSAs are shown as NC speaks)

NC (vo): So, let me get this straight, Canada: You start off your dark, disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent, and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing?

NC: What are you, Canada? You're like a riddle inside an enigma inside a "please and thank you".

(Footage of the hippo PSA is shown again)

NC (vo): Okay. Cool. The house hippo. Don't believe everything you see. Fair enough. A cute, harmless, even educational PSA. Good for you, Canada.

NC: I will not have nightmares tonight. (takes his helmet off and puts guns away) Okay. We good, Canada. We good. Thank you for that enlightening, very pleasant PSA. Well, on to the next one.

Electricity Football PSA
(TV static transitions to:  the Electricity Football PSA  commercial from Britain)

NC (vo): Okay, so here's one from Britain called "Electricity Football".

NC: Oh, cool. I always wondered what their version of electric football was like. (an image of a game of electric football is briefly displayed in the corner)

(Three boys are looking at a restricted area, filled with various electric generators and warning signs. One boy, named George, sees a football in the area)

George: Look! Over there, there's a football! (sees a copper-colored ball)

NC (vo): Oh, it's that kind of football.

NC: That's fine. (an image of a World Cup game appears in the corner) I'm still curious to see how kids play that.

(Another boy, Darren, begins to go through the fence into the area)

Boy #3: Hang on, mate. This place is electrified.

Darren: It's all right if I don't touch anything.

(Darren goes into the area, ignoring what Boy #3 said, as George begins to go through the fence as well. NC becomes confused)

NC: Not... seeing any plug or boards...

(Darren runs through the area and begins climbing up to the spot where the football is)

NC: Was this a Parker Brothers game?

(After reaching the spot where the football is, Darren grabs the ball and throws it, but the ball ends up hitting a generator, causing it to release a shock that electrocutes Darren as he falls to the ground, dead. NC becomes freaked out)

NC: (screaming) OHH, JESUS!

NC (vo): OH, GOOD LORD!

NC: OH, SWEET HEAVENLY GOD, NO!

George: Darren!

(George immediately runs into the area towards Darren)

NC: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!...

(NC repeats those words in fast-motion as the commercial continues, until George reaches Darren's body)

George: Darren!

(George attempts to reach down to Darren's body, but unknown to him, his left hand is about to touch an electric generator next to him)

Boy #3: No, George!

(Too late; George accidentally touches the generator, electrocuting him and killing him off-screen. NC, extremely freaked out by all of this, lets out four long high-pitched, almost girlish screams. The commercial shows a wide shot of the electric area as the smoke from the electrocutions rises into the sky. The commercial's message is then shown with captions)

Announcer: Stay safe. Stay out. Don't take a chance with electricity.

NC: (sits there stunned, then cries out:) I'M AFRAID OF BRITAIN NOW! YOU'RE NEW CANADA! YOU'RE NEW CANADA!

Announcer: Stay out.

NC (vo): OH, TRUST ME! I WILL! YOU ELECTROCUTE KIDS LIKE BUG ZAPPERS!

NC: YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TERRY GILLIAM, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!!

(The boys getting electrocuted is shown again, causing NC to scream again and change the channel)

Starburst Berries 'n' Creme
(TV static transitions to:  Starburst Berries 'n' Creme  commercial)

(A Starburst Berries 'n' Creme bar appears on a pink watery background with the words "Juicy Goodness" on the bottom)

NC (vo): (relieved) Oh, finally, a Starburst commercial. Okay, something a little less freaky.

(The commercial in question is the one with the Little Lad played by Jack Ferver, who walks up to a pair of teenagers at a bus station)

Teen #1: (to his friend) You tried these new Berries 'n' Creme Starbursts?

Little Lad: Pardon me. What kind of Starbursts did you just say?

(NC blinks his eyes, confused)

Teen #2: Berries.

Little Lad: Berries? And what else?

Teen #1: And creme.

Little Lad: (covering his hands in his face) Oh! Oh! (grins hugely)

NC: (shaking his head) Okay, commercial, I'll bite. Where are you going with this?

Little Lad: (suddenly singing, while clapping his hands) Berries 'n' creme, berries 'n' creme! (NC looks more than confused by this) I'm a little lad who loves berries 'n' creme! (smiles)

(NC is about to open his mouth to speak when the Little Lad continues in falsetto and hopping from one leg to the next)

Little Lad: Berries 'n' creme, berries 'n' creme! I'm a little lad who loves (clacks his feet together; NC is at a loss for words) berries... and creeeeeme!

(Cut to the end of the commercial, with the pink watery background from the beginning, along with the Starburst Berries 'n' Creme bar and the slogan "Juicy Goodness")

NC: (poker-faced) Give up. Just... give up. Give up on everything. What are we doing?

NC (vo): Is this really what we're paying people to give us now? We're denying good writers such wonderful paychecks so that piece-of-shit writers can give us this? This was a gift that only the rare, exceptional talent could give us?

NC: (smiling) And we said, "Yes. Let's make this a hit. Let's reward the asshole who came up with this on his lunch break stoned off his ass when he went in to pitch this commercial!"

NC (vo): And they said, "Larry! You're stoned off your ass!" And Larry said, "Yes, I am!" And they said, "Well, eleven million people are stoned off their asses, too..."

(Cut to a shot of the YouTube video for this ad, which had 11,561,547 views at the time of the video's release)

NC (vo): "...'cause 11 million people watched it on YouTube! And not only that, they shared it and came back for more!"

(Cut back to the Starburst commercial)

NC (vo): They said, "I'm not talented enough to come up with something so ingenious."

NC: And you got more! There are...

(Cut to another Starburst commercial, featuring the same Little Lad, who is holding out a smaller Little Lad dancing on his hand)

NC (vo): ...remixes of this commercial.

NC: There's other variations...

(Cut to footage of another commercial similar to the first one, only the Little Lad now pretends to kick one of the teens in the face and spreads his hands apart)

NC (vo): ...of this commercial from different angles.

NC: Completely different, mind you! Look, there's a version where he says this...

(Cut to another Starburst commercial)

Little Lad: Are those new Berries 'n' Creme Starbursts?

NC: (flailing his arms around) THAT COMPLETELY CHANGES THE DYNAMIC OF EVERYTHING IT WAS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!!

NC (vo): Is this what it takes now? Is this what–

NC: (gestures toward his black couch) If I wanted to sell this black couch, would I be like, (imitating Little Lad, singing, dancing and clapping hands) "Black couch, black couch, I pooped a black couch!" That would sound like a bajillion– Would black couches stocks just go through the roof if I played that ad?!

NC (vo): I'd say no to you, Berries 'n' Creme! I'd say no!

NC: I've taken a lot of stupidity over the years, (points to camera) but this lunacy madness take I will not!

NC (vo): This commercial is awful! It's just stupid and awful!

NC: I'm sick of insanity being rewarded! I'm sick of laziness being counted as clever! (pointing his finger down repeatedly for emphasis) I WANT... SOMETHING... TO MAKE... SENSE!

Little Baby's Ice Cream
(TV static transitions to:  Little Baby's Ice Cream  commercial)

(The commercial shows a humanoid ice cream creature looking at the camera while disturbing, bizarro music box music plays and staring at the NC, who looks quite shocked)

Humanoid ice cream creature (voiceover): There's good reason for my glistening skin. (eats its own head with a plastic spoon) And how my pores are so clean, clear. (NC still looks shocked and terrified) I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. When you eat Little Baby's Ice Cream, you’ll wink and nod with great enthusiasm. Ice cream is a feeling. (Little Baby's Ice Cream logo appears)

(NC sits there frozen, until a second NC, who is the real one (the other was just a cutout), grabs it and throws it out)

NC: Okay, okay, yeah. I apologize, that version of me has expired. He... simply had nothing more to give. He tried. He tried very, very hard to look inside himself to find something, anything that he could offer. But, in the end, you just took too much from him, world. You just took too much from him. He will be missed. A moment of silence, if you will.

(NC looks down at the bottom of the screen, where the words "Myself: 1981-2016" appears, while tragic music plays in the background. He then looks to the camera)

NC: Me, on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL?!?!

(Commercial plays again)

NC (vo): This is the freakiest thing I have ever seen! This is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream"?! It would scare the piss out of any little babies watching it! It's so terrifying, I'm not even convinced it's made for little babies! I think it's made out of little babies!

NC: Don't believe me?! Watch it again and just take out the ice cream part! Tell me if it makes a little too much sense!

(Commercial plays again with even more disturbing music playing in the background)

Humanoid ice cream creature (voiceover): I eat little babies. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. When you eat little babies, you'll wink, and nod. This is a special time. Little babies is a feeling.

NC: (looking up, shaking his arms) Little Baby's Ice Cream is PEOPLE!!

NC (vo): Well, if there's anything I've learned from this commercial special, it's that fear... sells... everything.

NC: So, without further ado, I have a black couch to sell, and I know the best way to do it.