The Worst Films of 2014 (Brad and Jake)

Introduction
Brad: You ready to do this, bro?

Jake: Yeah, let's do this, bro.

Brad: Things actually got a little reversed, scheduling-wise. It was gonna be the Brian, Dave & Sarah edition of the worst movies, and then Jake and I were gonna do it when I got back from DC. But fuck it, we're gonna do it now. Here's our worst movies of the year.

Jake: Fuck it, we're wingin' it.

Brad: Okay, how easy was it to do yours this year?

Jake: There was a couple that I felt... well, my #1 was pretty easy. I'm not gonna lie, my #1 was easy.

Brad: I think that the #1 for all of us is probably really easy.

Jake: Sure. The rest were somewhat difficult for me. I wasn't really...there's a few that I wasn't really sure what order to put it, so I just kinda...this is what I'm feeling at the moment, about two minutes before we hit the record button.

Brad: I did mine the other day, and honestly, it did not take that long at all, like even ordering them. I saw a lot of bad movies this year. I saw so many bad movies this year that Blended is not on my list.

Jake: That's impressive.

Brad: Million Ways to Die in the West is not on my list; that's how many really bad movies I saw this year.

#10
Brad: You wanna go first? #10?

Jake: My #10 is Annie.

Brad: Yeah.

Jake: "Yeah"? Fuck you.

Brad: Aw man, we're gonna get more hate mail.

Jake: I hope so. No-typing illiterate fuck. But yeah...I wasn't really sure where to put Annie. I just...I just don't like the musical Annie. I just...I've never been...I just don't care. I don't care about Little Orphan Annie, I never have, I don't think I ever will.

Brad: Did the audience make that go lower on your list, or is it because of the audience that it is on your list?

Jake: It's because of the audience that it is on my list.

Brad: [laughing] Or because you saw it by yourself?!

Jake: Yeah, I got tabled on that one.

Brad: I forgot you saw that by yourself.

Jake: Saw that by myself with that large black woman cackling at the Afro-headed white boy a few rows below them. "Ha-ha, what's that white boy doin' here?!" Man, I'm on the clock, lady. Fuck!

Brad: My #10, even though I would rather watch this a million times more than I would watch something like Blended or A Million Ways to Die in the West or even some of the more mediocre movies I saw this year, this movie is at #10 only for objective reasons. #10 is The Identical. Hands down the most watchable movie that's on this list. Normally, in any other year, I might not have put this on here because it was a funny movie. It was unintentionally funny. I mean, like, Winter's Tale's not on my list, and I thought that was pretty funny; but at least that was way more well-made than The Identical. But because of some other stuff that pop up later on this list, I guess I have to be a little more objective this year, and The Identical is a shit-made movie. It's horribly acted, it's horribly made, it makes all the wrong decisions you'd ever want to do when making any kind of, I guess, pseudo-serious movie like this. In terms of casting, it's a fucking 40-year-old man playing an 18-year-old.

Jake: "I'm sorry, Daddy!"

Brad: "I'm sorry, Daddy!"

Jake: "I won't go out and do it again, Daddy!"

Brad: And they couldn't get the rights to call him Elvis, so this is a parallel universe where apparently Elvis does still exist.

Jake: Elvis still exists, so his brother is the greatest impersonator of Elvis of all time, so that makes him the greatest impersonator of an impersonator.

Brad: Of a fucking impersonator!

Jake: Of all time!

Brad: And the music is all like if Elvis still existed and made music in the '90s, along with, like, the Counting Crows or something like that, but it still takes place in the '60s. It's shocking bad, but it's watchably bad.

Jake: It sure is.

Brad: And I feel bad for putting it on my list, but it really is, by technical terms...

Jake: Don't feel so bad.

Brad: It is one of the worst of the year.

Jake: Don't feel so bad, it made mine.

Brad: Is it your #9?

#9
Jake: My #9 is As Above So Below. That experience at that movie theater fucking sucked.

Brad: Oh, that was when the power...

Jake: That was when the power kept going out. I had to like... When they finally restored the power, when Brian and I finally went in there, they were like, "you know, we can start it over from the beginning." No, you fucking can't! No, you won't! No, you fucking won't! I will tell you where the fuck this shit stopped! Let's go!

Brad: They did that to me at Ninja Turtles. They did that when we were at When the Game Stands Tall. You don't have to stop it!

Jake: You don't have to... no! No! Please, God, don't!

Brad: And you guys...that happened to you guys, like, about half...maybe a little early on into that. When that happened during me and Dave's movie that same night, we were at November Man, it was at the last minute of the movie. Wow, totally worth it. That was a bad night all around, but at least me and Dave's movie was just mediocre.

Jake: You should start theirs again.

But besides that theater experience, that movie, on the whole, was...that was the one where they were in the French catacombs and...ugh. That was stupid. That was just levels of stupid. There was nothing worth...I'm sorry, there was nothing worth getting frightened over, they didn't really feel like...there was no real danger. Nobody gave a fuck. All the typical jump-scare tropes...tripes, whatever the fuck that word is, that shit's in it too.

Brad: But at least we didn't get The Pyramid. I mean, wait, we did, but it was, like, three weeks after its premiere.

Jake: Man, I missed Pyramid, shucks. Mummies.

Brad: I'm kinda sad I missed that. No, it's not. I heard some reviews on it. It's not mummies that's chasing them. I'm not even kidding you, it's, like, hairless feral cats.

Jake: You've gotta be fucking kidding me. You couldn't have even done mummies?!

Brad: But doesn't that kind of make you want to see it? Like, hairless Lloyds chasing him!

Jakes meows

Brad: They just went some attention.

Jake: They just want some lovin'. Smooga-boogums!

Brad: My #9 is Legends of Oz.

Jake: [looking at his list] Oh, shit.

Brad: Oh, no, did you forget? Oh, just make it tie with something.

Jake: Yeah, I'll put it in there.

Brad: Just make it tie with something. Legends of Oz sucked, and I was remembering it more so because we had that re-release of Wizard of Oz last week. This was...not only did the movie look and feel like you should've been watching this in, like, '93 or '94, maybe even earlier than that because of its original Bryan Adams soundtrack.

Jake: Yeah.

Brad: But even back then, this movie would've sucked. Cause this isn't like, "oh, I probably would've liked this if I was 13." No, no, nothing about this—same with something like The Identical—nothing about this movie felt like you should've been watching it in the theater. It's insane that this was released. Mainstream audiences, like, in thousands, in 2000 fucking theaters. That's fucking crazy in what should totally be a direct-to-video movie that you just gave your kids because you see it for $5 at the checkout aisle, and even then, it would've been really, really, really bad.

Jake: Even then, it would've been like one of those, like, "all right, here, kid...five bucks, whatever." Like, after the second time they're watching it, you are wanting to shoot yourself in the face. That's a bad decision.

Brad: It did give us...the only good thing it did give us was Noble Mouse King, so there is that.

Jake: All hail Noble Mouse King.

Brad: One of the most memorable characters of the year, does not have one single fucking line of dialogue, but he's the Noble Mouse King. Also, really fucked up shit too, like the China Queen or whatever murdering people by screaming and shattering them to death. Fucking cra... This movie sucked.

Jake: This movie's bad.

#8
Brad: What you got at #8?

Jake: Identical.

Brad: [laughing] You put it higher than mine. But you know what I mean, though? Wouldn't you rather watch that...

Jake: I would much rather watch Identical than...[counts the list] every single one of these movies on my list.

Transcript in progress