Child's Play 2

Admin's note: This guide is unfinished.

(The "Phelous" theme plays over footage of Phelous and The Nostalgia Critic.)

Subtitle: NOSTALGIA CRITIC AND PHELOUS / STARRING... DOUG WALKER / PHELAN PORTEOUS / AND I GUESS THAT IS IT... / SO THIS SEEMS TO BE WAY LONGER THAN IT NEEDED TO BE / ONLY TWO TWITS TO CREDIT YEP... / OH WELL ALMOST DONE NOW

(The title card for the episode comes up, along with the theme to Child's Play 2. Fade to black, then fade in to The Nostalgia Critic's pencil sharpener.)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember... (pause) I remember not being a pencil sharpener.

Phelous: Yeah, but I remember continuity, so you had to be in the pencil sharpener.

NC: YOU WERE THE ONE IN THIS PENCIL SHARPENER!

Phelous: Really? Damn it. All right, you want to move over and I'll be in the pencil sharpener?

(NC angrily rolls over in his chair to his desk.)

NC: No! Stay away from my pencil sharpener! Both of us have done the review since then. We don't need the pencil sharpener!

Phelous: Hey! Well, EXCUUUUUUUUUSE ME, Miss Critic-y Pants! I was just trying to add a bit of continuity from the last crossover.

NC: Well, way to fail us again, Phelous. I remember continuity so YOU don't have to!

Phelous: Oh, zing. Anyway, Child's Play 2 time.

NC: Ah, yes, Child's Play 2. I remember it well. ...Chucky's in this one too, right?

Phelous: ...Yes.

NC: Yeeeees.

(The movie begins with Chucky's burnt face.)

NC: Well, it seems they remember continuity a lot better than you, Phelous, as they still have Chucky all burnt as shit from the end of the last film.

Phelous: Yeah, but who the hell managed to take that doll from a crime scene and then said, "Yeah, we gotta fix this"?

NC: Oh, now, I'm sure there's an extremely, non-contrived reason why someone would steal a charred doll and rebuild it.

Mattson (Greg Germann): We re-built it from head-to-toe. A lot of it was burnt to a crisp. But everything checks out, the boys just set the servo mechanisms. We found absolutely nothing.

NC: See? The company was just making sure they didn't really create a doll that killed people. Apparently.

Phelous: What would re-building the doll have to with checking out anything on it? Of course you aren't going to find anything wrong, it's all new parts except the skull and teeth!

NC: Well, with Chucky re-built, they can... have another sequel. Yeah, there's really no justifying this. At most, the doll company believes someone tampers with its voice. Unless the electronics were stored in its teeth and survived be SHOT AND SET ON FIRE, this won't give you any information on it.

Phelous: And even if the electronics magically survived, new plastic parts don't aid in your examination, also, maybe if they had examined the doll before rebuilding it, they'd discovered all that blood in the supposed heart it had.

(Stock footage of the first "Child's Play", with Det. Mike Norris aiming a gun at Chucky.)

Karen Barclay: Shoot him in the heart!

(Mike does so.)

(Back to the movie; Chucky electroshocks the metal eye cleaners, electrocuting the worker operating it.)

NC: What, does Chucky have the force now?

Palpatine: (from "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith") (audio) UUUNNNNLIIMMMIIITTTEEEDD POWEEEEEERRRRRRRR!

(Cut to NC's "Kickassia" review, Phelous commenting.)

Phelous: Wow, those are the worst lightning effects I've seen since "Kickassia".

NC: Oh, I don't know. I thought the ones in "Suburban Knights" were even worse.

(Phelous grimaces.)

NC: Because you did that.

Phelous: I got it!

(Cut to the electrocuted worker screaming as he is launched by force through a window.)

NC: Truly a scream that will send shivers down you spine and make you realize the gravity of this sad situation.

Phelous: Yeah, a fucking soul in a doll zaps someone with cheap lightning. This is sad.

(NC mimics the screaming worker, sounding like Tarzan as a result.)

NC: Sounds like a drunk Tarzan.

(Cut back to the movie.)

Social worker (Raymond Singer): You still dreaming about Chucky?

Andy (Alex Vincent): Sometimes.

Social worker: Wanna talk about it?

Andy: No.

Social worker: Talking helps make the nightmares go away.

Andy: He's this bad man who got inside my "Good Guy" doll so he wouldn't have to go to Hell.

Phelous: You know, I will actually have to give this kid some credit, his acting in this film is vastly improved, and child actors giving an actual decent series performance is kinda rare.

NC: Oh, yeah. He's the best around, nothing's ever gonna keep him down; well, except for the fact that his mother's gotten taken away to the nuthouse for confirming Andy's killer doll story.

Phelous: (sarcastic) Oh, really? Catherine Hicks isn't in this one? I could hardly tell since they had Andy hold up that picture of her, really made it seamless as she wasn't just in this movie because she didn't want to come back. What, was she too busy with her precious Star Trek at the time?

NC: Oh, now you remember she was in Star Trek, huh? Well, no, this is long after the Star Trek movie.

Phelous: Really? I thought "Homeward Bound" came out after this.

(NC gives a WTF look.)

NC: Who are you?

Phelous: So, really? Hicks got taken away for saying there was a killer doll, but what about the other two cops who've seen the doll?

NC: Oh, they did the sensible thing.

(He winds his finger near his ear and makes a cuckoo noise out of the side of his mouth.)

Phelous: Wow. Who would've thought Prince Humperdinck could be such an asshole?

(Back to the movie)

Phelous: And back at over-the-top evil doll corp, we see the CEO showing great concern over the death of an employee.

Mattson: Um, what do you want me to do with the doll?

Sullivan (Peter Haskell): Stick it up your ass!

(Phelous holds up a "Suburban Knights" DVD case.)

Phelous: So, um, Critic, what do you want me to do with this movie?

NC: Stick it up your ass!

Phelous: All right.

(As Phelous does so, it cuts back to NC.)

NC: And for everyone else watching, be sure to visit TheAwesomeStore.com, so you can not only get that DVD, but other DVDs to stick up your ass!

Phelous: Really? You're just gonna start commercials in the middle of reviews now?

NC: Well. it was either that or another midroll.

(After a pause, he smiles.)

(Cut back to the movie)

NC: Meanwhile, the foster home they're trying to send Andy to isn't quite sure they want him as they only like dealing with children overjoyed to lose a parent.

Phil Simpson (Gerrit Graham): Are we even qualified to take care of a boy like this?

Grace Poole (Grace Zabriske): I understand you're concerned, Mr. Simpson, but I'm sure you can see that this is just a child's way of coping with a difficult situation.

NC: (as Homer Simpson) D'oh!

(Phelous gives him a "Really?" look)

NC: I had to.

(Cut back to the movie)

NC: D'OH!

Phelous: I don't know what the issue was here, the foster mother (Jenny Agutter) dealt with werewolves in the past [reference to "An American Werewolf in London"]. Dealing with a kid with a killer doll should be a walk in the park.

NC: And I don't know why the foster father's freaked out when he's CLEARLY THE KILLER!

(cut to one of the pictures in their house)

NC: Look at that evil smile!

(cut to a scene where Phil is about to sneak up on Joanne who is sewing and dramatic music plays)

NC: Turn around, you fool! You're gonna die!

(He puts his hands on her shoulders, and NC plays it back to look like he snapped her neck.)

Joanne: What do you think?

Phil: Oh, I'll get used to him.

NC: (as Phil) And if I don't, that's just one more child's body to help fertilize the garden.

Phelous: Um, no. He's actually not the killer, Critic.

NC: Really? Who's it going to turn out to be, then? The suspense is killing me!

(pause)

Phelous: Chucky! The killer is still Chucky.

NC: Oh, now you're just being silly! He was apparently becoming more human in the doll and THEY BURNT AND SHOT HIM and now even more time has passed! Are you telling me that if I skin someone, I could place that skin on another skeleton and bring them back to life?

Phelous: According to Child's Play 2, yes. And, seriously, this isn't a case of sequelitis. The plot point that Chucky's becoming more human while in the doll is very much still a factor here. Glad these films are around to teach us how humans really work.

NC: Yeah, anything that has humans dying and just coming back to life repeatedly has no merit in my book.

Phelous: Yeah, for reals! And anyone who would do that has no opinion worth listening to.

(After a long pause, their heads violently explode.

Phelous: (as Joanne) Oh, hey, Andy, look, we got you a doll just like the one that traumatized you. Uhhh...

NC: Yeah, I begin to see why they thought they might not be up for taking care of Andy.

Phelous: Or any child, for that matter.

(The scene cuts to Mattson driving his car while Chucky is holding a water pistol up to his face.)

Mattson: Okay, take it easy, take it easy. Please don't. Don't shoot.

Chucky (Brad Dourif): Bam! (squirts him) You're dead. Heh heh heh heh!

NC: You know, it's actually really nice to see that, despite dying and coming back to life within a doll's body, Charles Lee Ray, serial killer, is still able to laugh.

(Chucky pulls a plastic bag over Mattson's head, suffocating him until death.)

Phelous: And kill. Good thing instead of heading straight to the boy he apparently still has time to transfer into, he's spending time killing the toy company Ally McBeal here.

NC: Ally McBeal-- How do you know these stupid references?

Joanne: (reading) "In the morning, the stepmother called them. 'I think it would be nice if we all went to the forest today,' she said. Hansel and Gretel did not reply, but followed their parents into the dark forest, where they all lived happily ever after."

Phelous: What accent is she going for in this film, anyway?

NC: Who cares? I'm just glad I finally heard the end of the Hansel and Gretel I've always wanted.

Andy: I miss my mother.

Joanne: Oh, honey, I know you do.

Andy: Will I ever see her again?

Phelous: Let me check IMBd, honey. Nope! Your mom doesn't love you and she's never coming back. But now, let us get ready for the greatest confrontation in any Chucky movie, bar none.

NC: Wait, what? He and Andy are gonna square down already?

Phelous: Pfft. Who the hell cares about Andy? This is between Chucky--and Tommy.

NC: Tommy?

(Chucky comes face-to-face with another Good Guy doll. It reacts the moment he gets near it.)

Tommy: Hi! I'm Tommy.

Chucky: Shut up, you idiot. (hits Tommy)

NC: Wait, why was the other Good Guy doll standing at the end of the stairway?

(Tommy hits the ground and starts malfunctioning. His eyes start rapidly moving around, and repeatedly says, "I like to be hugged.")

NC: Wait, no! NO!!!

Chucky: Hug this!

(The "Phelous" theme plays as Chucky proceeds to smash Tommy's face in with a glass figurine.)

NC: He killed the doll?!

Phelous: Ha ha! Oh, yes! Chucky fucking killed the doll!

NC: (slow motion) What?

Phelous: Tuh. Aw, ya think that's it? Get ready for this!

(The "Phelous" theme plays again. Chucky is burying the ruined toy underneath the swing.)

Chucky: Heh heh heh heh! Eat dirt, Tommy! Heh heh heh heh!

NC: He buries the doll?! (stammers) What? Tell me what!

Phelous: Well, obviously, he's gonna take Tommy's place.

NC: And... he needed to kill the doll for that? What, was he afraid he was gonna talk?

Phelous: Well, it is a talking doll...

NC: (shouting) DON'T EVEN!

Phelous: So, after the awesomeness of Chucky murdering a doll, we follow up with the extra awesomeness of children smoking.

Kyle (Christine Elise): These things are very bad for you.

Phelous: Yeah, now just keep breathing in that completely clean second-hand smoke. That's good for ya.

Phil: He's a very...troubled little boy, and he obviously has not come to terms with this whole doll thing.

NC: And obviously, we have no sense of hearing or peripheral vision. (Andy closes the door.) They still didn't notice him? Really?

Andy: I hate you.

Chucky: (Child voice) Hi, I'm... Tommy.

Phelous: Aww, ain't that real fucking cute? He had to remember his name. Good thing he didn't blow his cover.

NC: Yeah. Why is he infiltrating the foster house? Isn't he on a time limit in front of the very person he needs to transfer himself into? What is he waiting for?

Phelous: The climax. Duh-uh...

NC: Oh. Right, right. Or maybe he's scared of that foster father. I know I would be, even if I was an evil insane killer catchphrase-spewing doll.

(Cut to Andy on the swing set.)

Phelous: You're saying you aren't already? Shut up.

Kyle: Come on, Andy, please. I just wanna sit here, okay?

Phelous: That's why I chose to sit on the swing instead of the obvious choice of the bench back there. 'Cause I'm an idiot.

NC: But, UH-OH! They're kicking off the dirt! It's almost like burying things at a swing was a stupid idea! Well, later on, we find out why Chucky didn't just try to transfer himself into Andy right away. He was waiting for nighttime, 'cause...

(The scene cuts to Andy all tied up on the bed and a sock stuffed in his mouth.)

Chucky: (voiceover) I have a date with a six-year-old boy.

Chucky: Did you miss me, Andy? I sure missed you. I told ya, we're gonna be friends to the end. And now, it's time to play.

NC: This just keeps getting worse and worse, huh?

Phelous: Yeeaahhh...

Chucky: I got a new game, sport. It's called "Hide the Soul".

NC: So it looks like Chucky just thought the bed would be a more appropriate spot for soul-swapping.

Phelous: Eeeew!

Chucky: Give me the power, I beg -- (He gets interrupted by the sound of scuttling outside.) This isn't over, you little shit. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life as a plastic freak. Next time you're alone, you're mine!

(Kyle crawls in through the open window.)

Phelous: Yes, with her around, I couldn't possibly finish the spell. Sure, I could just kill her and finish the spell, but I wouldn't wanna do that.

NC: Well, no, 'cause that'd actually work. And pretending you're just a doll to other people is far more important than this boy.

Phil: You know, Kyle, I don't believe you. You honestly tied this child up so he wouldn't tell on you.

NC: Yeah, if you're gonna tie him up, do it for the right reason like I would. To beat him!

Phil: Calm down. I'm going to get rid of him. (Phil tosses Chucky down the basement steps.) There, see?

Phelous: Yeah, see? Toss toys down the stairs. That's the safest way to store things, especially with kids around. And just like a real human, Chucky gets a little nosebleed from being thrown downstairs.

(Chucky looks at the red from his nose.)

Chucky: No...

NC: Yes, you can truly feel the sense of fear there. Well, I guess this isn't keeping with his character.

(Clip of Charles Lee Ray)

Miss Kettlewell (Beth Grant):