Scooby-Doo

NC (looking irritated): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't ha- what the fuck am I doing? No really, what the fuck am I doing?! I'll tell ya what I'm doing: Scooby-Doo the douche-horse movie!

Opening to the Scooby-Doo movie

NC: Yeah, fuck it! Here's what I think of the movie: it fucking sucks, the end!

End credits start to roll, but stop almost immediately after

NC: No, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time... is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well that's pretty sad," well yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well that's a pretty sad existence," well yeah, it is a pretty sad existence (picks up Scooby-Doo DVD) JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT SCOOBY FUCKING DOO! (throws down DVD) I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club- okay I've gone to a couple strip clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like (makes a suggestive gesture)... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well I'll tell ya who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer...

Clips from the film

NC (voiceover): ...because I was too lazy to find any clips that were actually visually interesting for you, and I of couse talk over it.

NC: I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am aware, I am, nothing's going to make it any different. (sigh) It's not like I could just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him.

''There is a white flash which cuts to a younger version of the Nostalgia Critic. It is Doug wearing a wig simmilar to his haircut from the 90's, he as acne on his face, and talks with an agnsty teenage accent. He has a copy of Scooby Doo. *Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins is playing in the background.''

Young Critic: Alright, Scooby Doo The Movie!!! This is gonna be so clever and (sees present Critic and acts surprised. NC acts surprised as well) DAHH!

NC: DAHH! What the hell!?!?

YC: Holy shit, it's like looking into the future!

NC: Is that me from the past?

YC: Oh hey, does the internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? It's porn, isn't it?

NC: Wait a minute, this doesn't make any sense. How am I able to talk to my younger self?

YC: I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm about to watch the awesome Scooby Doo movie! It's great because I remember Scooby Doo existed, and this movie remembers that Scooby Doo existed. So it's really tapping into my childhood...(pauses, can't describe the word)...What's the word I'm looking for?

NC: "Nostalgia"?

YC: Nah, that's not it.

NC: Well look, Younger Me, whatever you do, don't watch that piece of crap.

YC: What?! But they say it's a satirical, hip new look at the characters I know and love.

NC: But it's not done well. It's just a cooperate sellout.

YC: (drops DVD) Well forget it. I hate corporate sellouts. They're all narcs! They can all kiss my ass! Hey by the way, what's it like making bajillions of dollars selling your ideas?

NC: (Remembers the incident at the end of "A Simple Wish" Review) Uh, yeah, um... little word of advice from your future self, uh, you may not wanna keep making those videos.

YC: What? Why not?

NC: Trust me. They're not as good as you think they are.

YC: But what the hell do you know you stupid, closed-minded narc?

NC: I'm YOU, you dumass!

YC: Yeah? Well, how do I know the cooperations didn't get to ya? How do I know they didn't find ya and like brainwash you into talking to your younger self convincing him not to make the greatest movies of all time?

NC: I'm not making this up. Listen to me. This is totally believable...You need to stop because Mara Willson, the little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire, is going to find them and blackmail you with them years later.

YC: (does not look convinced) Dude, is that seriously the best you could come up with?

NC: Oh my god! If only you could see the future so you can understand what's in store for you.

''There is another white flash which cuts to the Nostalgia Critic of the Future, best known for looking and acting like Doc Brown of "Back to the Future". He too is holding a copy of the DVD.''

Old Critic: DAHH!

NC: DAHH!

YC: Awesome!

OC: What are you doing here? Or what am I doing here? Or what is going on here?

NC: I don't know. It's like all these different parts of my life are coming together; The past, present, and future. All I wanted to do was watch the fucking Scooby Doo movie!

OC: Wait! I was going to put it on too. My memory of Scooby Doo is so bad I was going to put it on to see if I could remember it. *Shivers*

NC: But, wait. Both I and the young me were going to watch it too.

OC: Great SCCCCCCCCOTT!!! We're all going to watch the same movie!

YC: Yeah? So?

OC: And somehow it caused a temporal anomaly in time. Hmm...We best watch this movie together Critic. Someting tells me that all the answers to our questions may be in this film.

NC: Oh trust me, this film has no answers.

YC: Speak for yourself, Narc!

NC: OH SHUT UP, YOU PRETENTIOUS LITTLE...

OC: HEY!!! Don't make me split myself apart!

YC: He started it. Narc.

NC: Well, let's figure out and see what is going on. Let's watch The Scooby Doo Movie.

(Movie begins with the opening titles. a modernized pop version of the Scooby Doo theme song is played)

NC voiceover: So the film opens with, big shock, a pop song.

YC voiceover: Yeah but so what? The original had pop songs too.

NC voiceover: Yeah, and I'm sure that never dated either, just like having Sandy Duncan (shows 'title card from The Scooby Doo Movies, featuring Sandy Duncan), or The Harlem Globetrotters (shows an image of Scooby and the gang with The Harlem Globetrotters). 

YC: Who?

NC: Exactly!

(cuts back to movie. the setting is an abandoned factory.)

NC voiceover: So after listening to...i don't know. "Scoob Doggy Dogg", We start with a caper going on.

(The Luna Ghost crashes through a glass window. Daphne is held captive as always.)

NC voiceover: ...or rather the end of a caper actually.

(Fred, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby are hidden all over the factory. Fred looks at a mirror checking how awesome he is.)

Velma: Shockingly, Daphenie has been captured again. When the Luna Ghost rounds the corner with Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will pop out of the barrell...

Fred: ...Then you'll activate the conveyer belt, spilling the vat of oil onto the floor.

OC: (looking confused) Uhh..Did we fast forward a few scenes?

NC: Yeah, it's weird. Isn't it?

NC voiceover: They're giving you a taste of what the capers of the show was like, but you wouldn't really get that unless you grew up watching the show.

YC: Well I did, and I think it's very clever that they're satirizing the original...

YC (vo): ...showing they have a sense of humor by...

(Scooby is blowing the fire off his tail when the barrel lid bonks him in the head)

YC (vo): ...making Scooby look like Marmaduke.

YC: Seriously, is that supposed to be Scooby Doo?

YC (vo): It barely looks like him! It looks more like a gremlin that got microwaved with a bear rug!

(Shaggy and Scooby run away from the ghost as it blows fire at them)

OC (vo): Not to mention the crappy CGI effects. Tell me, did they really look that bad in your time period?

YC (vo): Well not...this bad. But hey, maybe it's a loving send-up to the bad animation of the original show.

NC (vo): Yeah, but the original show had an excuse on why it was bad. Each episode had the budget of a ham sandwich and two minutes to put it together. What's this film's excuse?

YC (vo): Well, it is kinda neat how they're making fun of their roles. Like how Daphne's the damsel in distress, Velma's the smart one, Fred's full of himself. (Pamela Anderson comes out of the Mystery Machine) Look, they're even mocking the pointless celebrity cameos!

NC (vo): Uh, I don't think that's mocking the pointless celebrity cameo. I think that just is the pointless celebrity cameo.

Pamela Anderson: This is a victory for any celebrity who wants to make a quality, ecologically action figure.

NC: Hey look! (cut to the movie) Michael Moore and the Jerry Maguire k  kid. [Johnathan Lipnicki] (pictures of the two are spliced into the movie)

YC: Come on, it's a satire of the original show, and that automatically makes it funny! Show me something that's a satire that isn't automatically funny--(posters for Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie are shown)--I don't know what those are yet.

(The ghost's head is pulled off to reveal an old man underneath)

Everyone: Old Man Smithers?

Pamela: The creepy janitor?

NC (vo): Well, maybe if they keep it going throughout the rest of the film, but I don't know. It seems like they're playing their cards pretty early. If the whole film is supposed to satirize the show, why aren't they saving these jokes for the rest of the movie? Why are they using them up in the first couple of minutes? It's spoiling the fun early for fans and confusing newcomers.

YC: It's like the Brady Bunch Movie! They'll have a ton of jokes like this throughout the entire..

Velma: I quit!

YC: ...minute.

Daphne: I was gonna quit in like two seconds!

Fred: Yeah, I quit!

OC: Well, that seemed like a relatively short flick!

Daphne: Good riddance!

YC (vo): Well, they never did that in the show.

NC (vo): Yeah, even from a dramatic standpoint, that seems a little early to throw in. Wouldn't it make more sense if they saved this for, like, the end of the second act or something?

YC (vo): Well, hey, maybe they get right back together real soo--(Two years later)--ookay.

(The camera pans to the Mystery Machine where smoke's coming out through the roof. Scooby and Shaggy are giggling)

Shaggy (vo): El Supremo!

(Cut to inside the van)

Shaggy: Oh man, talk about toasted! (turns out the smoke is them grilling burgers instead of the obvious joke)

Scooby: Mm-mmm!

YC and NC: Booo! Booo!

NC: You did that shot on purpose!

NC (vo): So yeah, a mere two years passes by as suddenly, the owner of an amusement park called Spooky Island contacts them one by one and fools them all into coming out to solve the mystery. They decide to all go, but not after establishing each one wants to solve the mystery themselves.

Daphne: I was gonna solve the mystery all by myself for the first time ever!

Fred: How are you gonna save yourself when you get caught?

Daphne: I'm a black belt now. I've transformed my body into a dangerous weapon.

(Fred and Velma laugh at Daphne's boast)

OC (vo): Okay, I'm a little confused. I thought in the show, they all liked each other.

YC (vo): They did!

OC (vo): But how come they don't like each other now?

YC: Because I...clever?

NC: No, here's fucking clever.

(Scooby walks through the airport wearing a dress, hat and glasses, getting all sorts of whistles. Even stopping to kiss a guard on the cheek)

YC: No! No! I'm sorry! I just got back from the movie theater from seeing the most awesome movie of all time, The Two Towers. (the poster is shown)

(A clip from the movie is shown with Gollum)

YC (vo): And that had fucking Gollum in it! That is one of the best CG characters of all time! (back to Scooby) And yet, this...abomination came out the exact same year?! Are you shitting me!? (a clip of Who Framed Roger Rabbit is shown) For god's sakes, Roger Rabbit was better integrated than him!

YC: And I'm supposed to know he's not really there!

(Scooby and Shaggy are sitting at their seats, Shaggy holding a sub)

Shaggy: That is a beautiful work of art, Scoob.

Scooby: Ruh-huh!

OC: Oh, here's a little fun fact for you. Elsa (Isla) Fisher's in this movie.

NC: Isla* Fisher? Ooh, that sweet honey from Wedding Crashers?


 * NC pronounces it as Ess-la throughout the review when it's normally pronounced Eye-la. It will be spelled normally throughout.

YC: Who?

NC: Oh, you don't know here yet, but she's one of the most attractive women you'll ever see in your life! Oh my god, she is such a hottie--

Mary Jane*: Would you mind me taking this seat there?


 * From here on out, she'll be shortened to MJ in entry.

NC: Who the hell is that?

NC (vo): That's Isla Fisher? Really? Her?

YC: Umm, she's okay, I guess...

NC: Nonono, they make her one of the prettiest women of all time! She's, like, a knockout!

YC: If you say so.

NC: Nono, and she's funny, too! Really really funny!

MJ: Nobody's ever given me a stuffed dismembered head before.

(NC is dumbstruck)

NC: I swear to god, she becomes really really funny!

YC: Really?

NC: No, really! She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth--(he realized what he said)

YC: (quite confused) Do I have to become you?

NC: It works in context!

NC (vo): So, take a guess what the young lady who befriends Scooby and Shaggy is named. No, really, guess. The first thing that pops into your mind is probably correct.

MJ: I'm Mary Jane.

NC (vo): Mary Jane. her name is actually Mary Jane.

Shaggy: Like, that is my favorite name!

MJ: Really?

Shaggy: Yeah.

NC: Oh, dude, you should totally meet her sister...Pot!

NC (vo): Oh, and here's another weird one. She just loooves Scooby Snacks. Yeah. What are the odds?

MJ: They're 100% vegetarian, and I love 'em.

Shaggy: Like, me too!

MJ: I have never met another person who loves Scooby Snacks!

Shaggy: Me neither!

NC (vo): It's like finding the hot chick who likes playing video games, eating Hot Pockets and living in your mother's house.

YC: Or the one who likes Vince Vaughn tied to a bed with a sock in his mouth.

NC: It works in context!

(Scooby is barking at a cat that yowls at him)

Fred: To cause a dog to discontinue any action, simply flick it on the nose.

Scooby: Mm?

(Fred flicks Scooby on the nose)

Fred: See?

(And Scooby punches him out)

OC: (confused) Did that...dog just punch someone?

(The punch is replayed)

NC (vo): Yeah, Scooby performed physical assault. (and it's replayed again.) I don't know if I'm for that. (and it's quickly replayed five times)

YC (vo): Yeah, I'll admit, part of my childhood feels ravaged.

(One more clip, only now with Matrix from Commando dubbed in)

Matrix: Fuck YOU, asshole. (and one last punch)

NC (vo): So they get to the island and find out it was Mr. Bean [Rowan Atkinson] who called them there. Why? Because not only does he have a mystery for them to solve, but he wanted to see them all back together to relive that nostalgic feeling.

YC (vo): There's that word again. I don't think you know the proper meaning.

NC (vo): Ugh.

Emile Mondavarious: I believe someone is casting a spell on the students. Have you noticed any difference between those arriving and those departing?

(The students leaving are standing quietly in line)

Velma*: They look like sober, well-behaved college kids.


 * Could be Daphne. Change it if need be.

Mondavarious: Precisely. And they didn't before they came. In other words, a magic spell.

YC (vo): Now waitaminute. Magic spells? Come on, the original Scooby-Doo made it very clear that there's no such thing as supernatural elements in their world.

YC: Just a talking dog who has an appetite for six-foot sandwiches!

OC: Oh, thanks for being the voice of reason.

YC: No problem.

NC (vo): So they try to figure out what's been causing all the teenagers on the island to act so strange by looking into one of the closed attractions.

(Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne enter the haunted house)

Fred: Daphne, exit through the entrance. Velma and I will enter through the exit there. And Shaggy and Scooby...(the two are messing around with some of the props)...do whatever you guys do.

NC (vo): I didn't think it was possible, but this Fred actually has less of a personality than the original Fred. Fact, they probably just picked an actor [Freddie Prinze, Jr.] who could already answer to his name.

(Daphne wanders through the haunted house)

OC (vo): You know, normally it's the actors chewing the scenery. Not the scenery chewing the actors.

NC (vo): Yeah, that's a good point. Even the sets have a little too much going on. It's hard to make much of it out to appreciate the design, and the actors often get lost in it. (Daphne opens a secret door) But it's okay. It won't distract from the pointless slapstick we have here.

(Daphne gets picked up by the ride cart on the tracks. Velma and Fred are running down another track away from a cart, dodging axes swinging down at them. Fred pulls a book out a little too hard, making him stumble. Velma tosses him another as an axe knocks him through a glass window, his butt hitting a switch)

YC: Why is this funny in a cartoon, and not really here?

NC (vo): Because a cartoon goes out of it's way to convince you that it's a lie. This film goes out of it's way to convince you there's no life in it whatsoever.

YC: Well, I guess that does make sense, huh Critic? (NC's chair is empty) Critic?

OC: Great SCCCCCCCCOT! He vanished!

(NC finds himself in an empty white room)

NC: What's going on here? Where am I?

Voice: You're in my realm now, Critic. A world with no past, present, or future.

NC: What? Who are you?

Voice: An old friend.

(Turning to his right, NC sees that the voice belonged to Roger the (former) Guardian Angel)

NC: Roger? (as we go to commercial, he mouths "What the fuck?")