26



Ask That Guy: Episode 26 September 25, 2008

That Guy is holding a pipe to his mouth in one hand and reading a large red book with the other one. Suddenly he notices the audience and snaps the book shut and takes the pipe out of his mouth

That Guy: Oh! Keshie! I didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Title card comes up to the music of Moonlight Sonata by Ludwig Von Beethoven

Narrator: John Ferris Asks, “I just finished swallowing a gallon of antifreeze and am about to go into a large freezer. Will I need a coat?”

That Guy: (in profile, takes pipe out of his mouth and does a quick head turn to face the audience) That’s a very good question. The answer is no. You will not need a coat. Because you will be dead. (smiles) And dead people are not usually very cold. They are usually very dead(shakes head and rolls eyes) That means they don’t feel the heat or the cold or anything like that(bobbing head from left to right on every point)  Because they are dead! So perhaps the answer to your problem is, if you ever get cold, just...die! And that way you will never have to wear a coat.(bigger smile and shakes his head) Don’t ever talk to me again.

Narrator: David asks, “I have an unnatural hatred for the color magenta, do you hate the color magenta? And if so will you join my underground resistance to purge this world from everything magenta colored and related?”

That Guy: I would hate the color magenta except for the fact that there are no magenta colored people. My philosophy is if the color is not on the scale of a particular race?-it’s not worth hating.(smiles for a moment) What?

Narrator: Ethan asks, “Can ninjas catch me if I am on fire?”

That Guy:(another quick head turn to the audience) Yes they can, because they have this wonderful invention called water. Apparently water does not react very well to fire. It puts it out in fact. But if they were smart, the ninjas wouldn’t put out the fire out, ‘cause they’d be like-Hey! he’s on fire...job done for us! And you would burn alive in incredible agony(big smile) That’s a happy ending I can look forward to. Because my Mother went the exact same way! Burning alive while being chased by ninjas.(close up of That Guy) It was the best Birthday ever!(smiling still) Heh!

Narrator: Elke Yonson asks, “If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?”

That Guy: Because Barbie is very lonely...and a bitch..and needs ALL sorts of attention. After all, she does have trouble holding down a job..while giving birth to children who never seem to grow up..trying to pay off her cars, pets, homes and occasional enchanted castle..and of course, the lack of sexual reproduction organs. That would make anyone rather angry. So please, don’t let Barbie be alone(serious expression) or she will kill you in your sleep. She does that(facial tic and worried expression places pipe back in his mouth).

Narrator: Justin idiot asks, “Where do all the blocks from Tetris go when they disappear?”

That Guy: Well, haven’t you seen the beginning of the game? They go to Russia. That’s where they get all the bricks to build their gigantic buildings. It’s also what they use to make giant nuclear missiles. So stop playing the game, or else you’re just giving them more firepower. Because we should ALL hate the Russians-EVEN though they are not magenta colored.(Big smile quickly switches to a bitter frown) But someday they WILL BE.

That Guy: This is That Guy With The Glasses saying. There’s no such thing as a stupid question. Until YOU ask it. (Winks and then resumes reading)

End titles come up with the comment “Ask your stupid questions today!”