30 Years of EPCOT - Opening and Concept

[Fade in to Jerk at Tomorrowland]

Jerk: Star Command, this thing on my arm is a sticker. Oh! Happy New Year everyone and what better way to ring in the new year of 2015 than with a look at the original [dramatic] theme park of the future? [Cut to clip from Tomorrowland trailer] No, no, no. Not that one... Actually probably that one metaphorically. I'm talking about EPCOT [Cut to MikeJ pointing at Spaceship Earth, fanfare sounds, cut back] This is part one of my three-part 30 Years of EPCOT retrospective, first released on October 24th, 2012, thirty years to the day after EPCOT Center's grand opening ceremonies. As you can see, I am not in EPCOT, I'm in front of The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Undersea Adventure, which, you may remember, I promised to review last time.

[Cut to an old clip from the end of Star Tours: The Adventures Continue Part 2]

Jerk: Be sure to join me next time when I review the other big ride that opened at the Disneyland Resort last summer, The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Undersea Adventure.

[Cut back to Jerk at present day]

Jerk: Well, for a variety of incredibly stupid reasons each incredibly stupider than the last, that did not happen. Maybe some day. [scoff] How is that rascal Some Jerk gonna talk his way out of this one? [laughs]

[static; Cut to the "technical difficulties" logo; static]

[Cut to Jerk at Animal Kingdom]

Jerk: Hi. um, I-I-I know it's been a really really long time, again. And I-I-I know I promised my next video would be on DCA's new Little Mermaid ride but uh... something happened... Something bad. [cross dissolve to Jerk in front of the said dark ride]

Jerk: So, after waiting twenty-two years, which is six years older than Ariel herself, is this half-fish cartoon ride worth the wait or just deadweight? Let's find out, shall we? [Jerk enters the ride, but in the next shot he ends up in a house] So, you can see right away from the queue that... [confused] This isn't the Mermaid ride.

Chris Hanson: Mermaids don't have rides, they have gills.

Jerk: Sweet mother of God, it's Chris Hanson!

Hanson: Why don't you take a seat, just, just... just take a seat. [Jerk pulls out a chair] On the floor please. [Jerk does a he kneels down behind the counter. Only half of his face can be shown] So, uh, who exactly were you trying to do here?

Jerk: I was trying to...

Hanson: [interrupts] Really? Because I have the transcript right here and it says that you were trying to "ride a sixteen-year-old half-fish cartoon." tsk tsk tsk.

Jerk: That's not what I meant.

Voiceover: [interrupts] He thought his talking would trick us into tolerance of his fishy fetish, but, little did he know, that he'd soon be dangling from a hook named Hanson.

Jerk: How are you doing that?

Voiceover: This is the voice of God, Jerk, and I created Christ Hanson and my perfect ima- [skipping] my perfect ima-, my perfect ima, -my perfect ima-, my perfect ima-, my perfect ima-, my perfect ima-, my perfect ima-

[During this mistake, Jerk gives a disappointed look. Hanson pulls out a firearm and shoots the record player]

Hanson: Let's go over "deadweight." Now, that's just not nice. Teenage girls, they're very self-conscious about their bodies and their pulses.

Jerk: They always told me Satan would be attractive.

Hanson: And then, you said, "let's find out, shall we?" Now, there's bound to be a sexual slang term somewhere... If not, it totally should be. Anyway, I'm Chris Hanson and... [discovers that Jerk has disappeared]

Jerk: [offscreen] You said it sick and crazy!

Hanson: Cops outside! I knew I was forgetting something. [Cross dissolve to Jerk]

Jerk: So anyway, I've been on the run from Disneyland ever since, hitch-hiking mostly. I've crossed at least seven state lines and at this point I literally have no idea where I am. But you know what? Screw it. It's been too long. I'm just gonna find the nearest theme park celebrating a milestone and I'll be doing a review on that. [Jerk walks to his right and walks into Spaceship Earth] Oh, nifty. To all who've come to this... happy place (?), welcome. I'm Some Jerk with a Camera.