NC - Suburban Knights

(We start off in space, where we see the Plot Hole, while an unknown voice narrates)

Voice: Beyond imagination, beyond the understanding of time, beyond all thought that man has ever conjured up, there is the mysterious realm of the Plot Hole.

(We enter the Plot Hole, where we see the voice was NC, who sits in the middle of a hotel room, looking like he needs a shower and a shave)

NC: As you can see, this... purgatory of hell has had quite an impact on me. I haven't bathed, I haven't cut my hair- I haven't even shaven. This horrifying realm can only do so much to a man before it wears him insane. (beat) I hope you all appreciate the sacrifice I've made for you.

(A waiter holding a tray with a glass of alcohol on it appears beside NC)

Waiter: Your red cherry cupcake vodka, sir.

(NC looks at the waiter, then at his drink, before taking it off the tray)

NC: ...Thank you, Carl.

(The waiter (Carl) leaves)

(Lounge music plays)

NC: Okay, so the Plot Hole's not that bad. I dare even argue it's... kind of pleasant. (Continuing shots to around the room, at bed, tv, and lounge chair) It has uh... Cable tv, HBO, a king-sized bed. The sofa's a bit tacky, but what're you gonna do. And, I also know that a lot of you seem to think I was a muppet when in the Plot Hole. (beat) That was just a phase. Doesn't everybody go through that? (beat) ... Just me? Okay. Well, bottom line, I'm here, and it's pretty tough to do reviews when you're a plot hole. Especially you're memory; I do find I get certain things backwards sometimes. But, when you get down to it, I am still the essential same person I always was. And I still have a good recollection of all my favorite people, such as Linkara (picture of Todd in the Shadows), Todd (picture of Linkara), Stinky (picture of NChick), Dopey (picture of Obscurus Lupa), Doc (picture of Justin Bieber)- So it's pretty much intact. However, I have come across someone who has tried to do something very similar to what I've tried to do. An internet celebrity reviewing things for a mere four to five years. Pfft, what a loser. Well, I am here to expose this fraud for the... fraud that he is. That's right, I am here to talk about his cinematic lack-of-an-opus, Kickassia.

(the title of Kickassia is shown, and clips of the movies play, while we laugh at the hilarity of how NC doesn't realize he's reviewing his own work)

NC: (vo) Written, directed, and starring some guy called "The Nostalgia Cricit", he comes up with an ingenious plan. (sarcastically) "Here's an idea: take a bunch of internet critics that do nothing but make fun of movies, and have them make a movie that everyone else can make fun of." Yeah, I can't see this backfiring at all!.

NC: Is it an embarassment? Oh, you have no idea. So, lets see the fruit of the Internet's poorly put together loins, this is Kickassia.

(We cut to the beginning of Kickass Part One, with the map of Molassia)

NC: (vo) So we get a quick history, and a little speck of land called Molassia.

Voiceover: It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh, but through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation.

NC: (vo) You know, this opening is looking a little familiar. I know!

(Cut to the game map from Castlevania 2 Simon's Quest)

NC: So, this douche-sandwich, known as the Nostalgia Cricit, comes along and says he wants to take over Baugh's acre of land. Why?

NC: Because two acres would've been out of their budget.

NC: (vo) He calls up all his fellow reviewers in a bit that probably goes on too long.

Phelous: Uhhh, Yeah... What does "It's time" mean?

NC: Get on the wagon, Phelous! It's the takover of Molassia!

NChick: Hey... yeah, what's this "It's time" thing you're talking about?

NC:(surprised) Don't you know?!

NChick: No.

NC: And comedy ensues. Next!

(NC presses fast forward on his remote to the scene where everyone is in a hotel room)

NC: (vo) He gets them all in a hotel room, where he explains his plan.

Linkara: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?!

NC: You know, there's another group of people that though like you, Linkara. They were called NAZIS! Are you a Nazi, Linkara?!

Linkara: No!

NC: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!

Linkara: No! I'm not a Nazi!

NC: Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis!

NC: (vo) Hey, look! It's that joke everybody thought would destroy the Internet, but now, nobody gives a shit about.

NC: So what are you people? A Nazi? (everyone groans) OR NAZIS! (Everyone cheers widely)

NC: (vo) Yes, let it be known that Nazis are not funny. Despite the fact that they made Jewish comedians rich (picture of Mel Brooks), win a dick-ton of awards (picture of several trophies and awards like an Oscar award), and make what is considered one of the greatest film comedies and broadway musicals of all time.

NC: But aside from that, SHAME! (NC does the Forefinger Rub gesture, which means "Shame on you")

(Cut to Kevin Baugh in his house going back and forth at his kitchen table, dressing as President Baugh and as Fritz Von Baugh)

NC: (vo) So they attack Kevin Baugh, who has... (laughing) clearly too good a sense of humor, but he's able to defend himself by, oh gee, I don't know, defending himself.

(Scene where NC and all of the other critics charge at Baugh, but are scared away when he pulls out a machine gun)