James and the Giant Peach

Cut to outside of a court with words at the bottom saying "Live - internet state Penitentiary"

British announcer: We are live at a press confrence here in Chicago, Illinois, where we hear that any minute, The Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearence addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a Let's Play of "Bart's Nightmare" last week, which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny, that they would rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. OH! And here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions.

(NC wears a white shirt and goes up to the mic)

NC: Hello everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary. Little surprised to see that place actually existed. But apparentky it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. (points to one of the audience) Uh, yes?

Reporter lady from off-screen: How does it feel to know that you made the absolute worst Let's Play ever to be put on the internet.

NC: Bad. Definetely uh bad! Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. Yes?

Man: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife, and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

NC: Thank you for that. And I'm very sorry for your loss.

Man: Don't give me your pity.

NC: Uh, yes?

Man #2: Ahem, Melvin the Brother of the Joker, Emo Jones, This recent Let's Play, Nazi Germany. That is all.

NC: Ok. If we can keep these questions to actual questions uh, that'd be fantastic! Aw yes.

Angry man: HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THE AMOUNT OF TRAVESTY AMOUNG THE WORLD?!

NC: Look um, when everything is said and done, at the end of the day, I just made a bad video!

(crowd gasps)

Lady: Inexcusable!

Chester A. Bum: YOUR FANS DESERVE BETTER MR. MacCRITIC! SURE YOU TRIED SOMETHING NEW, IT DIDN'T WORK! IT BLOWED LIKE MAN! AND NOW YOU DESERVE TO GIVE YOUR FANS SOMETHING BETTER!! Hey, I liked it, I though it was the greatest video I've ever seen in my life. BUT YOU OWE YOUR FANS SOMETHING BETTER!!

NC: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Why don't I do a positive review of a movie that a lot of people seem to enjoy?

Chester: (happily) OH! You mean like "James and the Giant Peach?"

NC: James and the Giant Peach? THAT HUNK OF-Cinematic brilliance?

Footage of the movie

NC: (voiceover) Ah yes, how can I not forget the awkwardly-written-yet-structually-confusing masterpiece that is James and the Giant Peach? Not that there's anything WRONG with that, it's not like the film did poorly at the box office but got a surprising cult following over the years, or that the critical reaction at the time was lukewarm at best, but recently has been declared as a timeless classic.

NC: And it's not like my need to please the masses is going to affect my opinion in ANY concievable way! I'm just going to praise it for the wonderful family romp that it is. (pause) Really!

(A picture of the novel is shown)

NC: (voiceover) So for those who don't know, the film is based on the book by Willy Wonka* author Roald Dahl, and directed by famous stop-motion director Henry Selick, who also directed The Nightmare Before Christmas.


 * The book is actually titled Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But whatever.

Footage of the live-action opening is shown, James on a beach by a lighthouse.

NC: (voiceover) As you can see, his stop-motion has clearly gotten better. Good God, they look like actual fucking people.

James: Look! (Points up at the clouds) That one looks like a camel! And that one over there looks like a train engine!

NC: (mimicking James) And that one looks like a crappy CGI effect. (Lethal looking photoshop guns surround the Critic) I mean...a good CGI effect! (Looking nervously at the guns)

Footage of the movie

James' father: And can you see the tallest building in the world?

(James sits up and looks at the sky, the camera...for some reason rotates rapidly to show a cloud Empire State Building)

James: I see it!

James' Father: (showing him a picture of the real thing) That's where we're going.

NC: (voiceover) Wow, the timing of those clouds was perfect! I mean, they form the Empire State Building just as they tell him they're about to go to the Empire State Building! I wish the clouds in MY neighbourhood were that convienent!

NC: (sighs) If only there was a way I could avoid the Chicago traffic

(The clouds read "The L Train")

NC: Take the L train! Of course, that's a great idea! Aw...but which one goes to the Loop?

(The clouds read "Take the Greenline from Harlem")

NC: Of course! How stupid of me! Oh, but what if I want to keep my options open?

(The clouds turn into a full transport map. Hell, I wish clouds WERE that convienient!)

NC: Wow, that's amazingly helpful! Thanks, incredibly convienient passing pile of clouds!

(The clouds read "Mapquest can suck it!")

NC: (voiceover) So everything seems to be absolutely peachy for James and his angelic parents, but then things suddenly, and I do mean SUDDENLY, go very rotten.

(The parents disappear as lightning begins to flash)

Narrator: Then, one day, a terrible thing happened. An angry rhinocerous appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

''The Critis stares at the screen. He takes a pen and writes something down before holding up a small cue card saying "What?" ''

Narrator: An angry rhinocerous appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

''The Critis writes something else down and holds up another cue card saying "What?" in even bigger letters''

Footage of the movie

NC: (voiceoer) I mean really, what else can you say but, "What?!? That is the most out-of-nowhere explanation of parents disappearing ever! They don't explain it, we never see it happen, just, the rhinocerous comes out of nowehere and eats them!

Narrator: Their troubles, if they had any at all, were over in 35 seconds flat.

NC: (voiceover) Yeah, I'm not editing that down either! That's literally how they show it to us. Parents there, gone, blame the rhino. It's a pretty rushed explanation, isn't it? Can you imagine if one of the Disney movies did that?

Footage of The Lion King

Mufasa: Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.

Simba: Wow!

NC: (voiceover) And then a rhino ate him up. (A photoshopped rhino eats Mufasa and a card saying THE END appears while Hakuna Matata plays)

NC: Yeah, how do you think that'd go over? (The guns point at him again) Probably better....

NC: (voiceover) So of course now he has to live with his evil aunts. Yeah, how come the kindest parents in the world always have the most dick-ass relatives?

Sponge: Look at him!

Spiker: Lollygagging in dreamland, when there's so much work to do!

Sponge: Weeds to pull, wood to chop

Sponge & Spiker: Work, work, work, work, WORK!

NC: Okay, I think this calls for another....SCARY SLOW-MO!!!!

(The aunts' line is replayed in slow mo, which actually does looks pretty intimidating. And weird.)

NC: Woah, Jesus Christ! I wonder if they use that picture for their email greetings...

(The card is shown....')

Greeting Card: Happy New Year from the Hag sisters. May all your resolutions come true and don't forget to WORK!!!!!!

NC: (voiceover) So this is Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker. You know, when you name your kids that, aren't you just begging for them to turn out like this? They're played by British comediennes Joanna Lumley and Miriam Margoles. And in keeping with England tradition, they give the best British confidence build-up they can muster.

Sponge: Get these stupid dreams out of your head!

Both Aunts: And get back to work!

Spiker: They never even saw that rhino coming...

Sponge: That rhino....

Spiker: And the beast will get you too!

NC: (voiceover) Now in any other movie I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of Popsicle sticks, but in this movie, it works! Because....I really want you to like me right now. So as James gets back to work, work, work, work, WORK, he can't help but hum a merry little tune.

James: (singing) My name is James, that's what mother called me.

NC: (voiceover) Wow. What horrible lyrics, what a bland tune, what a totally forgettable melody. This could only be the work of...

(A picture of Randy Newman is shown, with a horror vamp)

Seinfeld: Newman!

NC: (voiceover) That's right, Randy Newman wrote these songs. And just like his other work, it's lame, annoying, repetitive, unoriginal, (the guns appear...again) inspiring, charming, wonderful piece of music that I expect from such a musical genuis!

NC: (voiceover) I mean, how can you NOT love such emotionally-packed lyrics like: My name is James, that's what mother called me. My name is James, so it's always been.

NC: That's ingenious insight! I mean, here I thought James, as in James and the Giant Peach, was referring to somebody else. But nope, this song points out that it's the James right in front of us, and not a James in another town or country.

NC: (voiceover) And the fact that he explains it's his MOTHER that named him is also very important. Because we could've made the horrible mistake of thinking his FATHER named him. But no, this incredibly crucial lyric points out that it was, in fact, his mother. I wonder what other incredible insight they're going to give us!

James: (singing) Sometimes I forget, when I'm lonely or afraid. Then I'll go inside my head and look for James.

NC: Well that obviously explains itself! I don't have to explain it for you!

NC: (voiceover) So while James is admiring what a beautiful set out it is today, he suddenly comes across the late Pete Postlethwaite, playing what looks like a time travelling Captain Crunch.

"Captain Crunch": Oh don't be frightened, James. I mean you no harm.

James: How do you know my name?

"Captain Crunch": (laughs) I know more than just your name.

NC: I know your pants size too! (The guns appear again!) Just let me have that! Just let me have that!

NC: (voiceover) So he gives him a bag of Kryptonite pasta that he claims can make all his dreams come true. But what are they exactly?

"Captain Crunch": One thousand long, slimy crocodile tongues boiled in the skull of a dead witch for twenty days and twenty nights, add the fingers of a young monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a parrot and three spoonfuls of sugar.

NC: (singing) And a puked lunch in a pear tree!

NC: (voiceover) The only downside is he trips and lets it fall all over the place.

James: Wait! (He chases after these tiny little fluoro green specks flying everywhere)

Robin Williams (Flubber): FLUBBER!

Spiker: There he is!

Sponge: Get up, you little worm!

NC: (voiceover) The two aunts are angry of course, because that's the one note they've been given, when they come across an amazing discovery!

Sponge: Look, a peach! There, on that branch!

Spiker: Why, that old tree's never had so much as a blossom on it, let alone a...well, I'll be blowed!

The Critic stares at the camera, completely frozen as the guns begin to nudge their way in...

NC: I'm good!

NC: (voiceover) But the peach apparently has the power to keep on growing, until it finally transforms into Garfield's anus. The aunts, of course, seize the opportunity to make a buck out of this, and start charging money for people to see it.

Spiker: Oh, Sponge, a photographer!

NC: (voiceover) God, it's like someone put clown makeup on the Crypt Keeper.

Spiker: And don't even think of going near our peach.

Sponge: Remember, they never did catch that rhino!

NC: (voiceover) So while James is out doing - what else?

Aunts: Work, work, work, work, work!

NC: (voiceover) He comes across one last piece of nuclear snot that allows him to climb inside the peach and apparently change his appearance (The film turns to stop motion here)

James falls into the group of bugs

Centipede: It's rubber! (No, I don't get it either!)

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out the glowing turtle semen made a bunch of the bugs bigger and able to talk. and it turns out that they all, coincidentally, want to go to New York. But they have to hurry fast or else the two evil aunts will come across them.

Spiker: Yoo hoo! Where are you, boy?

Sponge: I think I hear a rhino out here!

NC: (voiceover) Boy, they really like playing that rhino card, don't they? For something that was vaguely explained in like a millisecond they sure do bring it up a lot.