Ghostbusters (2016)

(NC 2016 opening)

(A caption "5 Months ago" is shown. Then, we cut to NC, Malcolm Ray, and Tamara Chambers sitting at a table and talking)

NC: So, uh, any of you see the new Ghostbusters trailer?

Tamara: Yeah, it did not look hot.

NC: Yeah, if that movie's any good, they are not marketing it very well.

Malcolm: But, who knows? It might be okay.

NC: Yeah, I was almost thinking about not seeing it, but you know, that Paul Feig guy has had bad trailers to good movies before, so maybe it'll be alright.

Malcolm: But, hey. Guess who has two thumbs and isn't seeing Independence Day 2? (Points to himself) This guy.

NC: Well done.

Tamara: It's like they always say: just say no to Roland Emmerich. (NC and Malcolm hug each other) This is nice.

(We fade out, then we cut to present day. NC walks into a room, only to be met by an angry Malcolm and Tamara, who are pointing guns at him)

NC: Payday already?

Tamara: We remember what you said about the Ghostbusters reboot.

Malcolm: How you were thinking about not seeing it.

NC: Wha...? I just got back from it.

Malcolm: The very fact that you were even thinking about not seeing it shows that you're a misogynist!

NC: What?

Malcolm: Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over your woman-hating!

Tamara: Wait, that's what you're upset about? I'm upset that we were even thinking about seeing it at all! It completely ruins what's perfect about the original Ghostbusters.

NC: (sighs) Look...

Tamara: Don't you move, you monster.

NC: Whatever my thoughts, what do you care? Why are you getting so hostile over something like Ghostbusters?

Malcolm: We tweeted everybody about what you said.

Tamara: Soon, the world will expose you for the anti-Christ that you are!

NC: Yeah? Go ahead. I think the world has more important things to worry about than someone's opinion on Ghostbusters.

(We cut to a large building, known as the "D.B.M.: Department of Bitching and Moaning". Inside, Heather Reusz is working on a computer while a Walter Peck-lookalike (Rob Walker) watches on while looking at his phone)

Peck: So what's trending today?

Heather: Hmm. Another terrorist attack.

Peck: Pass.

Heather: More corruption in our justice system.

Peck: Double pass.

Heather: Someone thinking about not seeing the new Ghostbusters movie.

(Peck immediately stands up, angry)

Peck: Someone's thinking about not seeing the new Ghostbusters movie?! Away!

(He and Heather leave the room. We then cut to a church, known as the "Holy Land of Wasted Lives". Inside, we see a priest (Walter Banasiak) meditating and chanting, while sneaking in a few Ghostbusters-related words. Aiyanna Wade comes in and shows him a phone)

Aiyanna: Dr. Venkman. Take a look at this.

Walter: You must pardon me, my brethren. An emergency has befallen us.

(The two leave the church while praying. We go back to NC's room, where NC moves away from Malcolm and Tamara)

NC: Now if you'll excuse me, I have a review to do.

Peck: (Off-screen) I think not!

(Peck and Heather have just come in)

NC: What? Tha...

Peck: Shut this off. Shut this whole review off.

NC: Who the hell are you?!

Malcolm: This is Social Justice Peck, defender of everything social justice-y.

Peck: I will not let you dislike the new Ghostbusters movie, you raging misogynist.

NC: I'm a misogynist because the trailer looked like crap?

Peck: The trailer was comic gold. Just look at this poster. (We are shown a poster of Dr. Jillian, one of the Ghostbusters, as Peck reads the tagline) "Booyah! Emphasis on the boo." (He laughs, then turns to Heather and Malcolm) Laugh at that, that's funny. (He, Heather and Malcolm laugh, before Peck makes them stop) Anyone would find that funny, unless, of course, you're a...misogynist.

NC: Okay, look, I'm open to the idea of the movie being good, but...

Walter: (Off-screen) Blasphemy!

(Walter and Aiyanna have just come in)

Heather: Well, if it isn't the Church of the Heavenly Proton Pack.

NC: What?!

(Tamara stands in front of Walter and Aiyanna)

Tamara: A group of people who love Ghostbusters so much, they've converted it into a religion.

NC: Oh, my God. (Face-palms in annoyance)

Walter: Nobody should go against the sacred word: For as said Peter (Peter Venkman), hour one, minute 17: Dogs and cats living together...

Tamara, Aiyanna and Walter: Mass hysteria!

Aiyanna: If you like anything in this movie, you're going against the sacred text.

Tamara: Shame.

(She, Walter and Aiyanna begin chanting "Shame!" as NC backs away in fear)

NC: You are all crazy!

(He runs into the review room and locks the door. Peck tries to open it, but cannot)

Peck: He's locked himself inside!

Walter: (Faces Peck) Good. Then let us partake in the real war.

Heather: Yes. The real war.

Tamara: Let two internet extremes partake in the ultimate battle.

Malcolm: Yes. The ultimate battle.

(As the two sides face each other, they all get out their cell phones and start writing angry comments to each other)

Aiyanna: I'll make the real, mean comments about you.

Peck: I'll post my disgust on a message board.

Walter: Oh, you'd better look out. I got a real, nasty meme coming your way.

Peck: Ha!

(As the two sides "battle" with each other, we see NC in the review room, sitting behind the door)

NC: It's impossible to talk about the movie without addressing the "controversy".

(Various images of the Ghostbusters remake are shown)

NC (vo): Yeah, didn't you know? The things you never talk about are religion, politics and Ghostbusters. Before the film even came out, the people went insane. If you thought it looked good, you were betraying the original. If you thought it looked bad, you were a sexist pig. There was no in-between. If you wanted to go see it, you were wrong. If you didn't want to go see it, you were still wrong.

NC: Well, I did go and see it...

Walter, Tamara and Aiyanna: (from outside) SHAME!

NC: And this is what I've observed.

(Thus, the review begins. As with any review of a movie in theatres, it's done with reenactments. The first scene shows Aiyanna as Jillian Holtzman, Tamara as Abby Yates, and Heather as Erin Gilbert. They are in a mansion, and a ghost is shown floating in front of them. Abby is holding a camera to record the ghosts and all three are smiling)

NC (vo): So, like before, out three Ghostbusters are scientists at a University, who are hunting ghosts....

(The ghost suddenly morphs into a scarier one and spews echtoplasm at them)

NC: Anorexic ones, apparently.

NC (vo): But the head of the college is not pleased to see it on YouTube.

(The dean, played by Doug, pauses the video and glares at Erin, whose smile quickly fades. He shakes his head)

Dean: Our university does not want to be connected with ghosts.

Erin: You don't want to be connected with proof of the afterlife?

Dean: Well, they're just icky and I don't like them. You're fired, in fact. Yes, that's a good choice on my part. Now, you need to look sadder though. (Erin frowns) Sadder. (Erin frowns some more) Sadder. Very good.

NC (vo): After getting kicked out, they move their lab above a Chinese restaurant, ironically plugging Papa John's Pizza, and conduct an interview for a new secretary.

(Kevin comes into the scene, played by Jim Jarosz, speaking in an Australian accent)

Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin, and I'll be your beefcake for the remainder of the evening.

Abby: I noticed your glasses don't have any glass in them.

Kevin: Oh, yeah. They kept getting dirty, so I just took them out.

(The women look at him confused)

NC: Now, this is both the strength and the weakness of the film. That line about the glasses: that was pretty funny, but it's immediately followed by this.

(Holtzman hits the machine, behind her, with a screw driver, causing it to explode)

Kevin: (covering his eyes) Oh, that was loud. Oh, that was very loud.

NC: Yeah, Kevin mistakes his eyes for his ears....Kevin is too fucking dumb!

NC (vo): I mean, every other second, he'll say or do something legitimately funny, but then immediately after, he'll do something legitimately unfunny.

(Kevin faints and the women rush over to him)

Kevin: Oh, sorry about that, I forgot to breathe again. Am I Thor yet?

NC: Christ! Even Homer Simpson is looking at him like...

(Homer Simpson appears next to Kevin)

Homer: Sir, you have earned my pity.

NC: But it isn't just that character. The whole movie works like this.

(The Ghostbusters are now joined by Patty, played here by KJ)

NC (vo): Like when a subway worker named Patty comes in and says she saw a ghost.

Patty: Oh, I saw a ghost.

(Through a passing train, we immediately see the Ghostbusters go to the subway train, where they encounter a graffiti artist (Doug))

NC (vo): This brings us to the subway, where a graffiti artist describes the ghost by drawing it on the wall, making life harder for her.

(The graffiti artist starts drawing the ghost as the women minus Patty start talking at once)

Patty: No! Hell, no! Take this down! You know, I work here. I'm gonna lose my job. I'm gonna lose my-- (she's drowned out by the other women, the graffiti artist runs away) Would you bitches shut up?!

NC: (shrugging) Again, that's kind of funny. But, per the mathematical equation, (scene plus funny divided by unfunny equals DAMMIT!) that, for some reason, has to ride throughout this film, it's immediately followed by something unfunny.

(The women walk away, except Holtzmann, who points to the logo)

Holtzmann: You see that? You know what that is? That's our ghost. That's our logo. Aren't you glad you know the origin to that? Yeah, it's really great, isn't it? Yeah, it's our logo. I don't know if you know this, but we're the Ghostbusters. Ghost, we're the Ghostbusters. That's what that is-- (NC walks by and starts pushing her along) --oh, okay.

NC (vo): This leads us to our next ghost, which, you may be starting to realize, are looking like masked Scooby-Doo villains if they died in Eddie Murphy's The Haunted Mansion.

Aiyanna: The special effects were much better in the first movie.

Walter: For as it says in the scared script... (Aiyanna and Tamara join in) I believe it's magic.

NC: Yeah, that's true, but here's the thing about the original.

(Images from the 1984 Ghostbusters, mainly focusing on the ghosts, are shown)

NC (vo): The effects are incredible, and the majority of them really hold up. But we can't forget that not only are they silly-looking, but they, too, have their fake moments. Remember the blue screen stop-motion dogs? Some of those matte paintings aren't looking very real. And you can see through Stay Puff half the time. (a green arrow shows where part of Stay Puff is transparent)

NC: But we love them because they have a distinct style. They're cartoony, but menacing.

(A side by side comparison between some of the ghosts in this movie and the ones from The Real Ghostbusters cartoon is shown)

NC (vo): These are kind of similar to the ones in the Ghostbusters cartoon, which, I guess, you can see as either a good thing or a bad thing. I still like the original effects better, but these are still pretty visually interesting and help give the film a different style so it can stand on its own.

Tamara, Aiyanna, and Walter: SHAME!

NC: SHUT UP! But, of course, nothing can have a film stand on its own like shoving the original cast down your throat.

(A scene is shown with a man that has Bill Murray's face superimposed over his face like a mask)

NC (vo): Bill Murray, and some of the other cast, all make cameos in this.

Peck: Ah, but that's to emphasize that they gave their blessing for the film.

NC: Yeah, well, it comes off as training wheels the movie doesn't need.

NC (vo): As if to say, "We're as uneasy to accept all of this as you are, so maybe if we throw in the original cast you loved to remind you how much it's NOT the original cast you love, it'll go a lot easier."

Heather: But it's Bill Murray! So, it's got to be funny, right?

Peck: Absolutely.

NC: Oh, yeah. A ton of laughs. Who can forget unbelievable lines like...?

News Anchor (played by Jim Jarosz): So, this video is a fake?

Martin Heiss (Bill Murray's character, voiced by Doug): Yep.

NC: And that's it! No funny ways of pointing out how it's a fake, or funny reasons why he's a skeptic. The movie's just like....

(A giant pair of CGI scissors show up in the scene)

Scissors (voiced by Doug): Cut! Cut! Cut! Gotta cut this scene.

News Anchor: But our scene isn't even finished yet.

Scissors: I'm sorry, but looking at Bill Murray's face is just depressing people! Did you know him and Samuel L. Jackson (a photo is both Bill Murray and Samuel L Jackson pop up on screen to compare them) are the same age? Don't do drugs, kids! SNIP!

(The scene transitions to the four women, suited up in their uniforms. Holtzmann licks her gun)

NC: So the Ghostbusters are finally in the iconic jumpsuits, and--

Patty: Wait a minute, what's this!?

NC: What's what?

Patty: This butt-ugly stripe.

Holtzman: Yeah, I feel like a Hot Wheels is going to race across my chest.

NC: I don't know why they made it look like you've been lassoed by orange and white twizzlers. Just go with it!

Patty: This sucks. Right, Abby?

(Patty is looking at a traffic cone to her right while Abby is on her left)

Abby: I'm right here.

Patty. Whatever! Let's bust some traffic!

Abby: Honk-honk.

Patty: Beep.

(The four women walk offscreen as cartoon lassoes appear on screen. The scene cuts to the Ghostbusters capturing the dragon ghost. A Pokemon Go text box appears, confirming the capture)

NC: So after zapping the new version of Pete's Dragon--I mean....not that--we get the next big pointless cameo.

(Ozzy Osbourne, played by Barney Walker, appears)

Ozzy: I was the walking Prince of Darkness! A few years ago, I would have been more relevant, you know.

Abby: But even then, it would have been a cheap shot.

Ozzy: Oh, my God! Are those clown fishes swimming around your boobalas?

Patty: That's our uniforms!

Ozzy: Oh. (turns to the camera) And I thought that I dressed crazy.

Abby: You know what? Fuck you, man.

[Meanwhile, outside, the two sides continue to argue]

Peck: You wouldn't be saying that if it were on a man.

Walter: Oh, knock it off. You act like anyone that doesn't like this movie is a sexist hypocrite!

Meninists (offscreen) Man-yes!

(Triumphant music plays as the Meninists, from the Mad Max: Fury Road review, enter the room. They are again played by Malcolm, Jim, and Jason Laws. Peck looks at Walter)

Walter: Okay, maybe a few of us.

NC: (face-palming) Oh, Christ! Are those the Meninsits?

Meninist Malcolm: We got offshore release to proclaim our outrage.

Meninist Jim: Yeah! Ladies can't be Ghostbusters!

NC: There already were female Ghostbusters! (shows a photo of Janine Melnitz from the Real Ghostbusters cartoon, and Carly from Extreme Ghostbusters)

Meninist Jim: Yeah, but not the majority!

Meninist Jason: As a man, this will not stand!

NC: You know Meninist isn't a real movement, right? It's just a blanket term! Were you just so anxious to feel like victims, you joined the first group you Googled and started complaining?

Meninists Jim & Jason: NO!

Meninist Malcom: Yes!

Meninist Jason: Yes, but we're still relevant.

Walter: Uh, they don not speak for us.

Meninist Jason: Oh, you're from that Ghostbusters religion. You know the second movie doesn't count, right?

Heather: Oh, you want the orthodox denomination. They don't believe in the second film either.

(Brian Heinz comes around the corner)

Brian: Now, that's not true. We believe it was made, we believe it said some good things; but we do not believe it's the word of the Ghostbusters.

Walter: You are not truly authentic.

Brain: I'm more authentic (holds up the cartoon version of the Ghostbusters series) than the Ghostbusters of Latter Day Saints.

Meninist Jason: You have a monkey in your religion?

(The two sides resume arguing with each other, ignoring the meninists and Brian)

Brian: (looking at the DVD) Volume two? But we only acknowledge volume one.

(As everyone continues arguing, NC sighs)

NC: I need a break while I cry for humanity. We'll be right back.

(NC puts his face in his hands as we go to commercial break)

(When we come back, we see the Ghostbusters hanging out in their room)

NC (vo): So Erin shares why she's so uptight and nervous to admit her beliefs.

Erin: Since I was a girl, I saw a ghost every night at the foot of my bed, but nobody believed me. Everybody called me Ghost Girl. So I had to go to therapy...

NC: Wait a minute. Does this scene end up going anywhere? (The Ghostbusters shake their heads "no") Well, does the next scene end up going anywhere? (The Ghostbusters make "little bit" gestures) Well, why don't you just cut to that, then?

Holtzmann: You ain't gonna like it.

NC: I don't care. Just show it to me already... (Patty turns the camera to reveal Martin Heiss is in the room) OH! More unfunny Bill Murray!

Heiss: I want proof of this ghost you claimed you caught.

Erin: You got it.

Abby: Whoa! Are you crazy? Showing him the ghost would kill him.

Erin: I'm not doing it to prove something to myself. I'm not doing it to show up this guy who hates us for no reason. I'm doing it because this is the first movie since Garfield that Bill Murray refuses to be funny in!

(She immediately lets the captured ghost out of the trap)

NC (vo): The ghost is released and kills Bill Murray, when...

Walter: Wait a minute! They kill off Bill Murray in this?

Meninist Jason: Man, no! This is unacceptable! This cannot man-happen!

NC: You do realize that your precious Ghostbusters 3 sequel never happened because of this one guy, right?

Walter: (Immediately agreeing with what NC said) All right, kill him.

Meninist Jason: (Also agreeing) Kill him.

(The ghost throws Heiss out of the window)

NC (vo): So, yeah! The Ghostbusters just murdered a man. Obviously, the police drop by, take them to the mayor's office and have them pay the price...

(The Ghostbusters are meeting with the Mayor (Doug))

Mayor: We believe what you are doing, and it's great work.

NC: Or they face no consequences whatsoever.

Holtzmann: Really?

Patty: Hey, man! We're Ben Affleck's Batman up in here!

Mayor: As I was saying, we know that ghosts exist, but we have to paint you as frauds to not cause mass panic.

Abby: Isn't that like telling cops to stop doing their jobs because people might be intimidated by them?

Patty: What do you mean "might"?

Mayor: Well, pick your plot hole. You can either have the one that lets you literally get away with murder, or you can have the one from Ghostbusters 2 where people stop believing you for absolutely no reason.

(The Ghostbusters shudder in disgust)

Holtzmann: Anything but Ghostbusters 2.

Mayor: Why does everyone always have that reaction? Bill Murray babytalk is very underappreciated.

(We cut to Erin at a hotel room, looking a drawings of the villain's plans)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Erin is at a hotel room, looking over a notebook that says who the bad guy is and...wait a minute.

NC: Why is she suddenly in a hotel room? In a white robe? Away from everyone else?

(The scissors appear again)

Scissors: That's me again! Snip, snip, snip!

NC: Oh, my God! Why are you cutting so much?!

Scissors: You don't understand. We're terrified of our fans! We're afraid to leave anything in this movie!

NC: Why would you be afraid of your fans...?

Walter: Traitor!

Peck: Misogynist!

NC: Fair enough.

Scissors: Snip!

(We see the film's villain Rowan, played here by Doug)

NC (vo): And just who is the bad guy who's been making these machines, enhancing paranormal activity, trying to destroy the world?

NC: Some asshole. Yeah. I don't even remember if he has a name. It's just some asshole.

(Images of Gozer from the original are shown)

NC (vo): I guess I can't act like Gozer had a lot of screen time or a ton of character, but there was at least a backstory and some intimidation about her. (Back to Rowan) This guy isn't intimidating or funny, he's just...some asshole!

NC: Okay, well, can we at least get a good reason why?

Rowan: Of course, my good fellow. You see...

(The scissors return)

Scissors: Nope! Too afraid of the fans! (NC sighs) Too afraid of the fans! We are our own thing! And if we ever actually leave it in the film, we'll show it to you! Snip!

(The scissors cuts Rowan's head off; he immediately comes back as a ghost and is shown attempting to possess the Ghostbusters before settling on Kevin, who activates the big plan to destroy the world)

NC (vo): So the villain's ghost starts possessing everyone until it finds a proper home in Kevin, as he turns on his machine to bring out all the ghosts in the world. So Erin tries to get a ride from a taxi driver, played by Forced Cameo #20, Dan Aykroyd.

(The cabbie Erin meets is played by Doug here)

Erin: You gotta give me a ride! There's ghosts everywhere!

(The cabbie sees an 8-bit ghost flying around)

Cabbie: Oh, that's just a class-five, four-roaming vapor.

NC: (Laughs) Okay! We finally got a Ghostbuster cameo that was funny, because even if you didn't know that was Dan Aykroyd or what that line is from, how would a cab driver know such an advanced term? It happened! We finally got a cameo that wo...!

Cabbie: Yeah, I think you are forgetting our mathematical formula.

NC: (Scared) No, please! This scene was fine! It was funny! Don't ruin it!

Cabbie: Are you sure? It's a knee-slapper.

NC: No, it isn't! You just think it is!

Cabbie: (Clears throat) I...

NC: No!

Cabbie: ...ain't afraid...

NC: No!

Cabbie: ...of no ghost.

NC: NOOOOOOO!!! You Blues Brothers 2000-ed it!

Cabbie: Ha-ha! This is the best Ghostbuster cameo I've done since Casper.

NC: Get the fuck out of here!

(We see a still-possessed Kevin taking control of several police officers and Army soldiers)

NC (vo): So Kevin takes control of all the cops and soldiers trying to stop him.

Kevin: Now I'm gonna force you to do a swinging choreographed musical number.

NC: NOOOO!! Scissors, where are you?!

(The scissors come back once more)

Scissors: Oh! I thought I was doing my job too much!

NC: You weren't, you weren't! Just please don't make this scene happen!

Scissors: Oh, all right. I banish you to the end credits.

Kevin: Oh, I really thought this was gonna be the next Cuban Pete.

Scissors: Snip!

(The scissors literally cause the credits to roll in front of Kevin and the cops and soldiers dancing, much to Kevin's disappointment. We then see the Ghostbusters coming to save the day, while encountering a green food stand)

NC (vo): We then come across easily the best cameo in the entire movie... (Out of the food stand pops...) Slimer.

NC: Now I know what you're thinking: This is gonna come across too child-friendly like in the second movie or in the cartoon. (Images of Slimer's appearances in those mentioned two things are shown) No. The best way I can describe Slimer in this is: Remember Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle?

(An image of Neil Patrick Harris in that movie is shown, with Slimer covering Harris's head. As NC speaks, we are also shown more images of Slimer in the movie, as well as a female version of himself)

NC (vo): That's Slimer's performance. He steals Ecto-1, picks up all his ghost buddies, and goes on a bender. He even somehow manages to pick up a female Slimer. Where the hell do these things pro-create? I'm so curious!

NC: Hell, you know, if this thing had an R-rating, he'd be doing lines of...

NC (vo): ...coke across her belly! The original creators always described Slimer as the ghost of John Belushi. Grand Theft Auto, partying with his friends and getting laid?

NC: I buy that.

(We see the Ghostbusters fight against various ghosts)

NC (vo): So the Ghostbusters start busting the ghosts with all their new gadgets, and I have to admit, the action is kind of fun. This might be the one thing this film actually does better than the original.

NC: And don't get me wrong, the original works fine. But when you really look at the action part of it, what do they really do?

(We see images of the original's action scenes)

NC (vo): They stand there and point a stick. When you get down to it, it's not very interesting. (Back to the action scene of this movie) In this one, they do flips and slides and punch ghosts and whip them into sommersaults.

NC: What's the big climax in the original?

(We are shown the image of the original where the Ghostbusters cross the streams)

NC (vo): They point the sticks together! WHOA! MIND BLOWN! WHOA!

(Walter, Peck and Heather are heard talking behind the door)

Walter: They run on Harry Potter logic! Pointing is amazing!

Peck: Ha! It looks like some people are just more open-minded than others. Oh, by the way, Vanessa. You down for watching the Jem movie tonight?

Heather: (The one who was called "Vanessa") Nah. It has little-to-do with the original and it just didn't look very good.

Peck: Well, I can respect your opinion.

NC: Well, that's what I thought of the Ghostbusters trailer!

Peck: Misogynist!

(NC sighs in annoyance)

NC (vo): The villain turns into a giant version of their logo because...this movie that's trying to be its own thing is also ending with a giant white cartoon blob.

NC: (Rubbing his head with two fingers) Perhaps it's symbolic of a fanbase trying to destroy itself.

Walter: Don't make me protest at your funeral!

NC: (vo) So, after he turns into this giant monster, he... (giant Rowan ghost walks off screen) ...walks away. Yeah, he says he's gonna destroy them, but he just kinda veers off somewhere else. (Rowan ghost walks away between buildings)

NC: Maybe he's off to tell Godzilla he should smash buildings on screen. (Godzilla 2014 poster pops up)