The Sorcerer's Apprentice

(We start off this review with NC watching TV and being mesmerized. On the TV is Fantasia, which is showing its signature segment, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". The music by Paul Dukas plays throughout. NC yawns, pulls out a Blu-ray from the player, puts it on a table and leaves the room. On the background, a whiteboard with multiple words "I will not breathe" and the word "HALP" below is seen. Suddenly, a Jerry Bruckheimer Films logo flies up, with two big hands! It starts conjuring in front of the Blu-ray case. After an explosion, Nicolas Cage appears! Well, not really, just Doug with Cage's cardboard mask on. He sings with the voice of Anthony Sardiniha)

Cage: (singing) Praise me! / I'm crazy!

(On the TV, after another explosion, the 2010 movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice starts playing)

Cage: (singing) Oh, God! / Oh, my GOD!! NOT THE BEES!!!

(As the movie continues playing, Cage dances)

Cage: (singing) Whoa, whoa, Nicolas Cage / I am the Nicolas Cage / Oh, damn, you've just been upstaged

(NC overhears this and rushes back to the living room)

Cage: (singing) I'm laughing, I'm raging, I break every gauge, Nic Cage / I'm on a rampage, Nic Cage / Deranged, Nic Cage

(NC grabs an axe and starts hitting Cage with it)

Cage: (singing) I scream "Hallelujah" every CD and VSH (!) / Nic Cage, it's my golden age! / Ridiculous Nicolas Cage! / You're sage, you're sorcerer, mage! / Nic Cage! My name is...

(And suddenly, NC wakes up. He smiles in relief)

Cage: (offscreen) Wait for it...

(NC turns to see FIVE Cages, the middle one holding the Blu-Ray for The Sorcerer's Appentice)

Cage: (singing) Nicolas Cage!

(NC headdesks in shock and annoyance. And we come to our opening! After that, fade to NC at his usual spot)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (hits his hand on desk, looks around) Why do we keep falling for Nicolas Cage movies?

(The screenshots from Leaving Las Vegas, an outtake from Dog Eat Dog, and Face/Off are shown)

NC (vo): There used to be a time where when he was good, he was amazing, and when he was bad, he was still amazing. He was one of the most entertaining people to watch.

(The posters for The Frozen Ground, Stolen, Dying of the Light and Bangkok Dangerous are shown)

NC (vo): But then he got into making so many of them that the Cage magic was spread too thin.

(A clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown)

Old Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm): Like butter scraped over too much bread.

(More posters are followed: Pay the Ghost, The Runner, Rage and USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage and The Trust)

NC (vo): It wasn't as much fun anymore. Nevertheless, I still looked forward to them. Why? Because I'm a friggin' dumbass.

NC: No joke; if anyone ever involves a celebrity in something I like, I always fall for it.

(A cell phone rings, NC answers it)

NC: Hello?

Voice: (on the phone) Hello, it's Nicolas Cage.

NC: (excited) The Nicolas Cage?! I would in no way question this!

"Cage": (on the phone) Naturally, I want you to join me and Tony Goldmark in the other room. We'll dress like bears and sing DuckTales in Egypt.

NC: You got it!

(He gets up and leaves, but the excitement goes down when he stops and sees...)

"Cage": Oh, by the way, this call is collect, 'cause I just...

(...Tony Goldmark himself, aka Some Jerk with a Camera, imitating Cage and holding, well, a camera!)

Tony: ...collected your dumb ass! (laughs)

NC: Goddamn it, Tony! No wonder they call you Some Jerk with a Camera!

Tony: And I got it all on camera! (laughs some more)

NC: Oh, great, you exploited my very specific foible.

Tony: And it was amazing! HA!

(NC at Tony stare at each other for some time)

NC: So you...flew all the way out here just for that, huh?

Tony: Yeah, in hindsight, it didn't really justify the cost.

NC: I mean, playing tickets, gas, hotel... Do you have a hotel?

Tony: (points up) I slept on a roof.

NC: Good God, man.

Tony: Mind if I stay here until I crowdfund my way home?

NC: Yeah, sure.

Tony: God bless you.

(The two go back into the living room. Tony notices The Sorcerer's Apprentice Blu-ray)

Tony: Ooh! The Sorcerer's Apprentice. You know, Critic, in the course of reviewing Disney rides, I also sometimes review their movies and other projects.

NC: (smiling) Good.

(Another awkward pause occurs. NC's hand stretches out and slowly pushes Tony to the other end of the room. NC quietly sits down)

NC: Thus, in 2010, Nicolas Cage gave us another dull-saster with The Sorcerer's Appre- (frowns) All right, get over here.

Tony: Whee! (He sits on another office chair with wheels and rides to NC to push him back in response) Sorcerer's Apprentice!

(The screenshots from Walt Disney's Fantasia are shown)

Tony (vo): In 1940, Walt Disney released perhaps his most audacious experiment in a career of audacious experiments. Fantasia, heralded by some as Walt's masterpiece, combined classical music with classic Disney animation in ways no one had seen before. And its most famous sequence is The Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Mickey Mouse.

NC (vo): A simple story about a janitor who almost destroys the world, it featured the mouse who started it all in his red robe and blue hat magically controlling the cosmos, becoming one of the most iconic images in Disney's illustrious history.

Tony: Then, seven decades later, this presumably happened.

(Cut to a skit involving the Chart Guys (Rob and Malcolm) calling Cage)

"Cage": (on the phone) Disney, I want to play a wizard.

Chart Guy 2: Well, we can certainly do that.

Chart Guy 1: Yes, we have a live-action version of Sword in the Stone.

"Cage": No.

Chart Guy 2: Black Cauldron?

"Cage": No!

Chart Guy 1: Wizards of Waverly Place?

"Cage": No!!

Chart Guy 2: A Wicked-style Jafar movie?

"Cage": NO!!

Chart Guy 1: An all-male Hocus Pocus reboot?

"Cage": I wanna play Mickey Mouse.

Chart Guy 1: What?

"Cage": Mouse.

Chart Guy 2: No!

"Cage": Yes.

Chart Guy 2: (giving up) Okay...

"Cage": Just run it by my agent. He says yes to everything.

Chart Guy 1: We noticed.

"Cage": Thanks, guys.

(The caller is actually Anthony Sardiniha himself)

Anthony: (as Cage) This is gonna be AWESOME! (He hangs up and laughs) Oh, man! I cannot wait to see where this one leads. (leaves)

(Then, we are shown the clips from 2010's The Sorcerer's Apprentice)

NC (vo): Thus, we got a movie that has little to nothing to do with The Sorcerer's Apprentice called The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Tony (vo): Directed by Jon Turtletaub...

NC: (eagerly) You mean, the same guy who directed...? (The posters for Turtletaub's movies appear bellow: National Treasure and its sequel, While You Were Sleeping, Phenomenon, Cool Runnings and The Kid)

Tony: Oh, yes. (poster of...) 3 Ninjas.

NC: SORE!! (Editor's note: He screams it in the same tone as "Score!" at the sports games)

Tony (vo): The film was trying to cash-in on hugely successful cinematic updates of Disney properties at the time, like (poster for...) Pirates of the Caribbean, and... (The posters for other Disney reboots/remakes of 2000s are shown very quickly: Herbie Fully Loaded, The Shaggy Dog (2006), The Haunted Mansion, and Tron: Legacy, before going back to...) Pirates of the Caribbean. But where that movie at least had some connection to the original source material, this...

(Tony and NC shrug in confusion)

NC (vo): ...had a dancing broom for a minute.

Tony: (holds up index finger) Authentic!

NC: Let's take a look at why the magic is gone with Sorcerer's Apprentice. (Tony stops smiling and lowers the finger)

(The movie starts)

Tony (vo): It opens with a prologue so complicated, you'd swear they were trying to squeeze in five other movies into this movie.

Narrator: The fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He taught his secrets to three trusted apprentices: Balthazar, Veronica, and Horvath.

NC (vo; as the narrator): This is Ian McShane, by the way. I figured I'd introduce myself because I have no idea what character I'm supposed to be in this. Nevertheless, I'll still leave a bigger impact in Pirates 4 [On Stranger Tides].

(Merlin is ready to fight...)

Narrator: Morgana le Fay, Merlin's most deadly enemy.

Tony: Well, that and Transformers 5.

(Merlin holds his sword closer to Morgana's throat)

Merlin: We are but servants.

(The picture of a servant that has a big butt instead of a head with a caption "Butt Servants" appears)

NC (vo): Eh, I'm gonna assume that's a different spelling. But the way this movie goes, it wouldn't surprise me.

(One of Merlin's apprentices, Maxim Horvath, enters and takes Merlin's sword)

Horvath: Merlin.

Merlin: Horvath. You betrayed me?

NC: Yeah. Nice read there, Spirit Halloween Storebeard.

NC (vo): This is why the Bore Queen (Morgana) is assimilating you.

(After Morgana stabs Merlin, two more apprentices, Balthazar Blake and Veronica Gorloisen, continue to fight her. Veronica proceeds to absorb Morgana's soul from her body into her own. The screen fades to Veronica doing the same gesturing as before)

Tony (vo): This movie's in such a hurry, they dissolve from one shot to the exact same shot.

Tony: Now, I hate it when movies do this. This was clearly a full scene at one point, but it didn't work, so they cut it down in editing and tried to make it faster...

(Dissolve to Tony still talking and NC listening to him, with his hand on cheek)

Tony: ...and that's why we should all go to Mitt Romney's house dressed as hamsters and convince him he's a hamster, too, when his entire human life has been a dream.

NC: (astonished) Whoa, you really went off on a tangent there.

Tony: (waves off) Yeah, I'll fix it in post.

Narrator: Veronica sacrificed herself for Balthazar by drawing Morgana's soul into her own body. Balthazar trapped them both in the Grimhold, an inescapable prison. (And the Grimhold is a nesting doll)

NC: That you can buy at your Grandma's antique store.

(Before dying, Merlin gives Balthazar a dragon figurine that will identify Merlin's descendant)

NC (vo): So Balthazar, played by Cage, searches the world for Merlin's successor, the Prime...Merlinean that will one day defeat the trapped Morgana.

Tony (vo): But he'll in no way use his powers to stop the atrocities of history.

Narrator: ...For mankind will never be safe until Morgana is destroyed.

NC: Maybe you can use those powers to stop (holds up two fingers) two World Wars, if you have the time?!

Tony: Slavery, genocide? Those'll sort themselves out. (points at camera while NC makes a hilarious face while nodding) He's gotta keep the world safe!

(Cut to a 10-year-old boy named Dave Stutler waking up and turning off his Buzz Lightyear alarm clock)

Tony (vo): Flash forward to our young protagonist being awoken by his corporate masters, heading to school (The caption "New York City 2000" appears as Tony sings in a high, echoey voice similar to Andy Richter's) in the year 2000!...

NC (vo): This is David, a boy who's so new to dating that he asks a girl out the same way a girl would ask a girl out.

(Dave's love interest, Becky Barnes, recieves a note in the form of a questionnaire that reads "Check One: I Would Like to Be David's Friend/Girl Friend)

NC: Yeah, where's the box for "I Would Like to Be David's Restraining Order"?

NC (vo): But the note blows away, and David chases after it.

(Dave chases after the note in an alleyway, which is picked up by a woman wearing headphones)

Dave: No! No, lady! Don't!

(The woman smiles and throws the note away instead of giving it to Dave)

Tony (vo; as Dave): I guess I could just ask her, since she clearly already knows I wrote it, but I need the reciept for my taxes!

(Dave enters a magic store)

NC (vo): But he comes across Merlin's magical shop of Gremlins reading The Neverending Story as he looks at all the mysterious wonders. Like, look. A decapatated little girl's head.

(The Disney Logo is shown next to the bottle with the little girl's head inside as NC hums its theme)

Tony (vo): He literally bumps into Cage, who, as you would expect, is a little quirky.

Balthazar Blake: I have something I'd like to show you, Dave.

Dave: How did you know my name was Dave?

Balthazar: Because I can read minds!

(Dave has a stunned face as a dramatic sting is heard)

NC: Okay, movie. Nicolas Cage is one of those people you do not need to overscore.

Tony: Yeah, he's already his own strange music.

(Balthazar's dragon figurine comes to life, steps on Dave's index finger and turns into a ring)

Tony (vo): A magic ring clings to his hand, meaning he's the chosen one.

Dave: No way.

Tony: Because God knows why your actions should make you special. He's just chosen!

(Dave accidentally drops Balthazar's Grimhold to the ground, it breaks in half, and a bunch of cockroaches come out of it)

NC (vo): But an evil villain is released as well.

Dave: No way...

NC: Is that all this twerp says?!

(Three scenes of Dave saying "No way" at different points are shown)

NC: This kid really knows his vocabulary from A to A!

(The cockroaches take shape of a man and transform into Horvath. Before he can say something to Dave, Balthazar sends him to the ceiling)

Horvath: That's not very sporting of you, Balthazar.

Balthazar: (to Dave) Where's that doll?

(Dave points at the doll he broke still on the floor)

NC: (as Balthazar) Oh, apologies. I guess I could have just looked down.

Tony: (as Balthazar) Question two: How'd it get burned?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!

Tony (vo): The evil Horvath, played by Alfred Molina, manages to fight Cage back.

(Horvath draws a sword out of a stand)

Horvath: I'll have that doll.

(Balthazar and Horvath swordfight)

NC (vo; as Balthazar): (singing to the theme music of Pirates of the Caribbean) Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, I am Nicolas Cage Sparrow!

(Horvath throws a fireball at Balthazar and creates a fire in the shop, but Balthazar jumps at him right out of the flames)

Tony (vo): Molina throws fire at him, only to find out fire doesn't hurt him. So...why did he throw fire at him?

(As Dave crawls out of the shop, Balthazar and Horvath are both sent back to the Grimhold. After running outside, Dave throws it away)

NC (vo): They both get sucked into the magic urn, and David leaves the store and...coincidentally, comes across his field trip.

Boy: Ew, he peed his pants!

(Dave notices that a water splashed on him while the sorcerers were fighting. The whole class laughs at him)

Dave: A jar broke! It's just water!

(We are shown that Becky is laughing much harder than everyone else in the group)

NC (vo): Oh, my God!

NC: That kid's laugh...

NC (vo): ...is terrifying! Is she eating somebody's soul while laughing that hard?

Tony: Hey, you leave her alone! She's a good friend of mine.

NC: Really?

Tony: Yeah, she grew up into a lovely woman. Look.

(Tony and NC turn to see Tamara as little Becky, who's laughing so hard, it creeps NC out)

NC: Was she just standing there in silence until you addressed her...?

Tony: (smiling, not looking away) It's best not to question her.

(Becky continues to laugh)

NC: Uhh, she's freaking me out!

(He throws a remote at her, but when it hits her, she's not damaged in any way and still laughs!)

NC: (astonished) How did she...?!

Tony: I told you, it's best not to question her. Let's just continue the review.

(Tony turns back to the camera, but NC is still weirded out by the crazy-laughing Becky. Back to the movie, 10 years pass as Dave is now played by Jay Baruchel)

NC (vo): Cut to 10 years later, where David has grown up into man-seeking plot, Jay Baruchel.

Tony (vo): A shame his voice didn't grow up with him, as it constantly sounds like two geese fighting over rye bread.

(Dave is shown in various scenes exclaiming "Uhhh"s and "Ohhh"s)

Becky: Is everything okay?

(A goose cackle is put in when Dave speaks to Becky. Cut back to the scene of Dave talking with his roommate Bennet, who takes a role of a typical "black best friend")

Tony (vo): He lives with the unsuccessful prototype of Ned in Spider-Man: Homecoming and comes across an old familiar face.

(At university, Dave meets Becky, who's grown up and is now played by Teresa Palmer)

Dave: I'm sorry. Is... Becky? Becky Barnes?

NC: Bucky Barnes?!

Tony: Hang on, I've always wanted to do this. (He takes a sheet of paper and starts reading) "Longing, rusted, seventeen, day-" (NC knocks the paper out of Tony's hands) Hey!

Dave: We were in fourth grade together.

Becky: (chuckling) Yeah.

NC (vo): Yeah, in a bizarre twist, this is actually the scary girl that was laughing at him all those years ago.

(Suddenly, Becky/Tamara startles Tony and NC by laughing madly again)

Tony: Oh, great, you got her going again.

NC: What do we do?

Tony: Just...let her laugh herself out.

(Becky/Tamara laughs...and then abruptly stops, staring and smiling creepily at NC and Tony. The two don't look away from her. The "score" for Doomsday Machine is heard in the background)

NC: C-C-Can we put a blanket on her or something?

Tony: Go ahead.

(Becky/Tamara keeps on staring)

NC: (whispering) You do it.

Tony: (whispering) No.

(Back to the movie. Dave helps Becky out by fixing the transmitting mast of the radio station. Meanwhile, after the 10-year imprisonment, Horvath is eleased out of the vase a woman bought at the flea market)

NC (vo): He helps her fix the college radio station she works at, while Cage and Molina have a vase...off.

Horvath: Cheerio, Balthazar!

(Horvath throws the vase out the window, but Balthazar is released out of it before it smashes on the sidewalk. He goes on top of the Chrysler Building and touches the gargoyle)

NC (vo; as Balthazar): You'll take me to a lawyer to stop a Dresden Files lawsuit.

(Dave is confronted by Horvath)

Tony (vo): Molina finds David and tries to force him to give him the Russian doll, known as the Grimhold.

Horvath: (holding a blade) I'll cut the truth out of you.

(Dave flees, but bumps into the metal door, not knowing that it doesn't open by pushing it)

NC: And at that very moment, the word "nerp" was created.

(Horvath pokes the calendar photo that has wolves on it, and they come to life and chase Dave)

Tony (vo): He finally figures out the sorcery of opening a door, and Molina sends wolves after him, though honestly, there's about a billion ways he could have just kept him in that room. But it's cool, Cage turns them into puppies!

(Before the wolves jump on Dave to attack him, they are turned into baby wolves)

Dave: Puppies?

NC: If he could turn the wolves into puppies, how come he couldn't turn Molina into a baby?

Tony: Because then he'd have to raise him with Holly Hunter. (The poster for Raising Arizona is shown) And the Coens already have enough repeating.

(Balthazar appears, riding a giant animated steel eagle)

NC (vo): Cage files in, though, on a pretty badass metal eagle.

Dave: (amazed) No way.

Balthazar: Where's the doll, Dave?

NC: That's exactly what I want Nicolas Cage riding a badass metal eagle to say.

Tony (vo): They escape, and Dave tries to take in the situation.

Balthazar: I've been stuck in an urn for the last ten years.

Dave: So have I! A...a figurative urn of ridicule.

Tony: (hand on cheek) That line of dialogue guest directed by Judd Apatow.

NC: I chose.

NC (vo): Hey, here's a fun game. Try to spot the moment where Nicolas Cage actually seems invested in what he's saying.

Balthazar: It is a prison for the most dangerous Morganians in history. Horvath wants to free his fellow Morganians and destroy the world. You have a very special gift.

Tony: Trick question! There are NO moments when he's invested in this!

Tony (vo): It's so weird. He just looks and sounds so bored. The whole movie is stunningly devoid of Nicolas Cage freakouts or any energy to speak of. You know how he like to alternate between screaming and soft muttering? Here, it's just soft muttering for the whole movie! It's Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer! How is this dull?!

(A montage of scenes of Balthazar speaking softly/calmly to Dave is shown)

Balthazar: ...until we found the sorcerer who would inherit his power. / It focuses your energy. Helps you master new spells. / You have to become the Prime Merlinean. / You're going to set me free.

(Balthazar's face pops up at the bottom right corner, moving left and right to the slowed-down "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" by Dukas. Anthony Sardiniha is singing to the music as Balthazar)

Anthony (vo, as Balthazar): (singing, sounding bored) Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage / I know, advancing in age / I'm slower and duller and lacking the rage, Nic Cage / Not really engaged, Nic Cage / Got paid my wage / I like eating bread, paying taxes and taking these pills, Nic Cage / These pills are so great, they send all the goblins away, Nic Cage / This song doesn't rhyme, Nic Cage / I sleep now...

(The music stops, Balthazar's face drops down and loud snoring is heard)

NC: You see? This is what I'm talking about. There's no more Nicolas Cage freakout movies anymore. I always think it's gonna be one, and it never is! Well, you know what? I'm not gonna be that gullible again!

(A phone rings again, and NC answers it)

NC: Hello?

Voice (Doug): Hello, this is Sergeant Slaughter.

NC: (smiles and salutes) Yo, Joe!

"Slaughter": I was wondering if you want to team up with me and Devil Boner in the other room to travel to Africa and wrestle lions until their heads explode.

NC: You got it! I'll be right there!

(He hangs up and eagerly runs to the room to see...Devil Boner giving him a prank call. DB laughs at NC)

NC: (dissappointed) Goddamn it, you guys!

(Tony pops out from behind a doorway)

Devil Boner: Hey, Jerk with a Camera!

Tony: Hey, Devil Boner! You played one on him, too?

Devil Boner: It's so easy! (laughs)

Tony: I know, right? He is so stupid!

(Tony laughs along with Devil Boner. A disappointed NC is about to leave, until Becky/Tamara suddenly appears again and laughs along with Tony and Devil Boner)

NC: Oh, shit! Get her to go!

(He pushes her away and leaves along with a still-laughing Tony, while Devil Boner continues laughing. Devil Boner then begins walking out while clicking his heels. Back to the movie)

NC (vo): So Cage gives Dave a crash course in... (Sighs) the science of magic. Actually, they do that surprisingly a lot in this movie.

Balthazar: Everything we see is in a constant state of vibration. That's the illusion of solidity. Sorcerers can manipulate matter, because they're born with the capability to use the entire power of their brain. We will the vibrations to go faster.

Dave: Is sorcery science or magic?

Balthzar: Yes and yes.

Tony: No and no. When you try to shoehorn science into magic, all you do is make it less fun for the fantasy lovers, and even more infuriating for the science nerds!

NC (vo): We don't need to know the science of the flux capacitor. We don't need the engineering manual for the Ring of Power.

NC: Do you want midi-clorians? Because this is how you get midi-clorians!

(We see Dave and Balthzar arrive in Chinatown, where it's hosting a parade)

NC (vo): They go to Chinatown to see if they have any of that Mulan Szechuan dipping sauce...

NC: Bad news: they don't.

Tony: (disappointed) Oh...

NC (vo): So they decide to look for the doll, which they trace back to an acupunturist. This leads to a lot of comedic antics.

(While waiting outside, Dave is approached by two Chinese women, who just stare at him)

Dave: Hi.

NC: (shrugging) All right, that's all he could come up with. Let's see how Cage is doing.

(While Balthazar is looking inside a building, another Chinese woman approaches him)

Woman: Do you have an appointment?

Balthazar: (speaking Cantonese) Your hair is beautiful.

Tony: (snickers) Okay, his piss-poor Cantonese is all the comedy we need.

Balthazar: (speaking Cantonese) Your hair is beautiful. (Suddenly, a villain known as Sun Lok appears)

NC (vo): But Goro's less-impressive two-armed brother tries to attack.

(Sun Lok uses his magic to bring a dragon to life, which chases Dave throughout a building)

NC (vo; as Dave): Oh, my God! I have no idea how to train these!

(As Hovarth confronts Balthazar again, Balthazar uses several beads to tie Hovarth up)

Balthazar: Be still.

(NC and Tony look at each other, before NC counts to three and...)

NC and Tony: NOT THE BEADS! NOT THE BEADS!

(The dragon climbs up another building in search of Dave)

NC (vo): Oh, Jesus. Susan Sarandon's dragon from Enchanted looked more real!

(Dave faces the dragon while wearing his dragon ring)

Balthazar: This is it.

Yogurt (from Spaceballs): Use the Schwartz!

(Dave uses the ring to defeat the dragon, while Balthazar defeats Sun Lok)

NC (vo): The dragon is defeated, just as the cops show up on the scene.

(A pair of cops approach Balthazar and Dave, who are suddenly in disguise as cops)

Cop: Hey, what have you got?

Tony (vo; as the cop): We had reports of a Nicolas Cage movie on the loose.

Balthazar: (speaking in a New York cop accent) Bottle rocket meets paper dragon in this Asian festival. Between you and me, Cap, I think some of these folks were hitting the sack pretty hard.

NC: Glad to know his New York is as good as his Cantonese.

Tony: Does he think New York is Boston?

Tony (vo): Cage takes Nerpface to a safe place to train him, as he opens up the book to open up the book.

(Balthazar brings out a magic book, while undoing its large number of folded spots to make the book bigger)

Balthazar: The art, science, history of sorcery, including our recent history as well.

(He gives the book to Dave and pulls the book up to make it more bigger and heavier. NC and Tony, stunned, begin shrugging)

NC: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Tony: Yeah, give them a point.

(A caption pops up, saying "The "GODDAMNIT WE ACTUALLY LIKED SOMETHING" List". Back to the movie, where Balthazar activates the Merlin Circle)

Balthazar: This is the Merlin Circle. Once you enter...there is no going back.

Dave: So I should probably pee first? (Beat) I can hold it.

NC: (as Cage) You know, the first time I did a Bruckheimer production, I was teamed up with Sean Connery. What life choices brought me here?

(And we go to a commerical)