To Boldly Flee (BR)

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "To Boldly Flee."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

SPOILERS-- Wait, you bought the DVD. You know what happens.

There's this guy called the Nostalgima Critic.

And he's this gigantic asshole!

Only now, he may not be such a gigantic asshole.

Just kind of an asshole.

You know, like how Chuck Norris is kind of an asshole, but by God, he's Chuck Norris, so... (Cue NC's Chuck Norris meme)

He's upset because he lost Ma-Ti in 'Ma-Ti Python and the Search for the Holy Gauntlet.'

So the Nostalgima Critic is like, (dialing phone) "I need to talk to someone British."

(in over-the-top accent) "I'm British! Almost to the exact opposite of the character I normally play in my show!"

"Call me when your food has flavor!"

"I bet YOU have flavor!"

But then they find this giant skygina in the sky that's turning everything upside-down.

And the Nostalgima Critic is like, (dialing phone) "I'm calling everybody I know to have them willingly help me."

"Hell no!" (hangs up)

"Well, I'm beaming everybody against their will!"

(teleports in) "Goddammit!"

So all the critics are like, "Why should we help you?"

"Because the end of the world might be upon us!"

"Why is it every time we deal with you, the end of the world is almost upon us?"

"Because once a year situations seem to come together that means the destruction of all mankind, and for some reason it always tailors to us having the solution!" (is stared at) "...Because somebody wants to take over the world."

(a la M. Bison) Of course! ...Replacement of copyrighted clip!

But then this alien named Terl is like, "Stupid humans!" (punches)

But because the Nostalgima Critic is under house arrest, he can't leave his house.

So he turns his house into a flying machine!

Remember that movie "Up" where the old man ties all the balloons to the house and makes it go up in the air?

It's nothing like that.

It's more like "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"

(singing) Oh, you chitty chitty house house, chitty chitty house house! It's all I can sing or I will be sued!

But it turns out there's an imposter onboard!

There's this evil, pale creature who's obsessed with taking over the Internet and wants nothing but what's best for himself!

He's replaced with Mechakara!

So he starts turning all the crew members into Terminmanators.

Which is terrible, because it's interrupting our love triangle!

(holding hair to resemble pigtails) "I'm the Nostalgia Chick, and I'm in love with Todd!"

(with hat over eyes) "I'm Todd, and I'm in love with Obscurus Lupa!"

(as himself) "I'm Lupa, and I'm in love with Phelous, depending on how far we may or may not wanna go with continuity! Lord knows we've been so good about it before."

So they travel to planet Jupiter, because apparently that's where they're holding Forky.

And Forky is like, "I somehow possess the minds of both Ma-Ti and Forky!"

"That's really confusing."

"It's even more confusing that I'm representing two people no longer on the site."

But then Terl gets help from Zod.

Who looks like if Jesus Christ became that Mike Myers German character.

And Zod is like, "Transform this vessel into a house!"

"But why?"

"Because our budget doesn't afford spaceship sets."

"P-P-P-Pwease!" (This is mainly just over-the-topness)

So Zod and Terl attack the Nostalgima Critic.

But the Nostalgima Critic fights back by dressing up like Judge Fred!

(covering eyes) "I am an exciting visual for the trailer!"

But Zod and Terl kidnap Cinema Snob.

And this evil man called The Executor is like, "Join me, and I can help you create movies."

"I'm already creating movies."

"I'll help you create good movies!"

"Actually, fan response seems to be pretty positive."

"I'll let you dress up like Darth Vader!"

"Okay, that's pretty sweet."

But then the Last Angry Geek is like, "I will stop you!"

"And I will blow you up, annoyingly forcing you to think of a way to bring your character back to life!"

"Well, that's douchey."

"That's show business, bitch!" (zaps)

But then the rest of the crew gets to talk to Ma-Ti.

And Ma-Ti is like, (appearing as wavy hands) "Even though I'm talking in a very creepy way with a very mysterious and suspicious tone, you should do as I say."

"Okay!"

But then Mechakara tries to assimilate the entire crew.

But the power of true love shines through!

Well, more the power of visual selfishness and JewWario taking his shirt off.

But if that isn't true love, I don't know what i-- That is definitely not true love.

But at least it leads to an awesome song number!

(singing) This is a rip-off! Of "Short Circuit" and "Shrek 2!"

But the Nostalgima Critic goes inside the skygina and what does he find?

The worst kind of horror you can imagine!

A pretentious resolution!

"Who are you?"

"I'm the writer."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to have people read into this scene more than they probably need to."

"Hell with this. I'm an asshole. I'm outta here!"

"Are you an asshole, Critic? Are you an asshole?"

"I don't know. Am I?"

"I'm writing down right now that you're not."

"Dammit!"

"Now go kill off your character in a way that we could easily bring you back if we need to!"

"Fine. Oh wait, Ma-Ti, get out!"

(still hands) "Not until you say I was a good guy!"

"You're a good guy!"

"Oh, okay. Later." (disappears)

"This looks like a job for Jesus symbolism!" (mimics merging with the plothole)

(now plothole, sings) Hallelujah!

So the skygina eats up everything, while Doctor Insano, Santa Christ and James Rolfe appear.

And everybody's like, "What are YOU doing here?"

"Pointless cameo!"

"In Channel Awesome? That seems very unlikely."

So all the critics go and live in a world that they're totally convinced is one giant mistake. (pauses) Welcome to every day of my life.

So "To Boldly Flee" was really good, but it kinda sucks the Nostalgima Critic being gone and all.

I lasted longer than the Nostalgima Critic?

I guess he did do an episode every week, though. Hey! Why don't you let me do an episode every week?

I can sit at a desk and act like my bullshit opinions actually mean something! Just ask Bill Maher!

I tried asking Bill Maher once!

He has a good right. (holds up right fist)

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll use it to finance "To Boldly Flee 2: The Awakening of the Quickening."