61

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 61 (July 27, 2011)

''We fade in on a far-shot of That Guy sitting on a tree swing presumably from his backyard, looking sad and slowly rocking back and forth. Cut to a closer shot of That Guy, looking down and lamenting over something. Cut to a different angle as we see that he is holding his beloved pipe that he broke during the closing answer of the previous episode. Back to the close-up shot, where, after a few moments of reflection, he looks off to screen-right and is immediately startled by what he sees. As dramatic music begins with thunderous drums, we cut to the sky where a very weird-looking and scary face (actually a mirror split-screen of...somebody wearing an Egyptian headdress, apparently) floats above That Guy. He speaks in a very deep, majestic voice (altered by guess-who - ed.) as he explains his presence:''

Yardoz: Yardoz speaks to you. (cut to That Guy standing up off the swing and shuddering in wonderment; cut back to Yardoz:) You have been praised up from Brutality to kill the Brutals who multiply and are legion.

(cut to That Guy looking a bit puzzled but still with an open mouth; he then says...)

That Guy: Okay...

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: To this end, Yardoz, your God, gave you the gift of the Pipe.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: (looking puzzled, then asks, while pointing at Yardoz:) You... gave the gift of the Pipe?

(cut to Yardoz at a closer, low-angle shot)

Yardoz: The Pipe is good. The Pipe smokes death and purifies the earth (cut to That Guy with finger still pointed - one of those forward-reverse deals) of the filth of the Brutals. (back to Yardoz) Go forth and smoke with your new Pipe. (a pipe then comes out of its mouth, almost like someone threw it out of there, and falls to the ground)

(cut to That Guy, who catches the new pipe in his hands; he examines it in amazement and then addresses Yardoz:)

That Guy: I say, this is wonderful!

Yardoz: Use (cut to Yardoz, regular angle) the Pipe to purify the earth.

(cut to That Guy)

Yardoz: Yes! Yes, I Will, Yardoz!

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: Smote with it those who spread the destruction of evil!

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: It shall be done, Yardoz! It shall be done!

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: The Penis is evil! (the thunderous music fades)

(cut to That Guy, who is obviously in a perplexed state; eventually, he looks off to his left, returns and says:)

That Guy: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

(cut to Yardoz, low-angle until noted)

Yardoz: The Penis is evil!

(cut to That Guy, who looks off again)

That Guy: (pauses for a few seconds) That's... probably gonna be a gray area for us.

Yardoz: The Penis (cut to Yardoz) shoots seeds and makes new life to poison the Earth.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: Okay, where is this coming from? This seems ungodly extreme.

Yardoz: The Penis (cut to Yardoz) is evil! It causes damnation with the plague of Men.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: Well, I'm gonna have to disagree!

Yardoz: It is the cause (cut to Yardoz) of all pain, all wars, all that destroys life.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: All right, YOU have some serious man issues. (cut to Yardoz) I mean, there's femme Nazis; and then there's... (cut to That Guy, who almost spits out a loogie) WOW! (cut to Yardoz) What, did some ex-boyfriend (cut to That Guy) break your heart on prom night?

(cut to Yardoz, regular angle)

Yardoz: Cut off your Penis!

That Guy: WHOA!! I... (stammers a bit and holds up his hands in reaction) Sorry, that is NOT on the docket. (almost chuckles as he says this)

Yardoz: You will cut (cut to Yardoz) off your Penis and then feed it to me.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: (muttering to himself) God, I thought THAT was fucked up.

Yardoz: The Penis will be van- (cut to Yardoz) -quished all across the world, bringing peace to all those who are deemed unpeaceful!

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: (pointing to Yardoz) YOU are high.

(cut to Yardoz, low-angle)

Yardoz: And life will find NEW WAYS to multiply and, thus, begin a new utopia, one not so heavily Penis-based. You MUST cut off (cut to That Guy, who is thinking "Yeah, right!") your penis.

That Guy: Umm... (smacks his lips) NO! But, uh, (raises his pipe) thanks for the pipe and for confusing me with your very strange MAN-hate! Uh, now, if you'll excuse me, I have a show to do. (goes to leave screen-right)

(cut to Yardoz, regular angle)

Yardoz: Cut off your Penis!

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: (returns back into frame with a face-palm) Okay, what is your deal? Just because you think you're a giant floating head, you can go around the world telling people what to do?

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: (sheepishly) Kind of, yes.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: Well, it doesn't work that way, Jambi! I'm sorry! You're just gonna have to live with that!

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: Would it help if I said, "Please"?

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: NO!

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: PLEASE cut off your Penis.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: NO!!

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: Yardoz commands it.

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: (screaming) NOOO!!!

Yardoz: Would the deal be (cut to Yardoz, low-angle) sweetened if I said, "with sugar on top"?

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: You have to see someone.

Yardoz: PLEASE (cut to Yardoz) with sugar on top...

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: Okay, I'm done with you. (goes to leave again)

Yardoz: Oh, (cut to Yardoz) what are you going to do? Wear orange lederhosen, (cut to That Guy, who returns and looks at Yardoz weirdly) grow a long ponytail, (cut to Yardoz) and sneak into my mouth?

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: That's concernedly specific.

(cut to Yardoz)

Yardoz: Yardoz commands you!

(cut to That Guy)

That Guy: I'm leaving! (goes to leave again)

(cut to Yardoz, regular angle)

Yardoz: Wait, wait. (cut to That Guy, who returns with an expression of "What is it now?"; back to Yardoz) May I have a little kiss before you go? (cut to That Guy with a WTF face; back to Yardoz) I'm VERY lonely.

That Guy: BYE!!

(cut to a wide shot of That Guy leaving with Yardoz still floating in the sky)

Yardoz: Yardoz is sad. Poor Yardoz!

(cut to That Guy's bar where we see him come to his normal spot behind the bar, with pipe in right hand and drink in left hand)

That Guy: Do mo mae! (I don't think that's right, but what can you do? - ed.) Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): What are you really wearing underneath that robe?

That Guy (has only the pipe in his hand with his back to screen right; he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: Calvin Klein. / [jump cut] (chuckle) Not his popular clothing brand; I mean, actually, Calvin Klein the person! / This scarf is made from his blood, / the shirt is 100% his flesh, / and even the pants are made entirely out of his pubic hair. / (leans in to the camera) It's itchy but sensual. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: / Isn't that technically manslaughter? / What are you, his mother? / If so, your son wears great on me / (leans in) and tastes great, too. / Yes.

Narrator: When will you do your next 'Ask That Guy With The Glasses?'

That Guy looks off to his right and then holds out his hands and shrugs his shoulders a bit as if to say, "What the hell was that?"

Narrator: What do the colors mean?

That Guy: (chuckles) Well, colors can mean all sorts of things... especially if it's SKIN color. / Being white, (points to himself with his pipe) for example, means: we have all the power. / Being black means: YOU have all the style, which the whites are phenomenally jealous of. / Being red means: you've been in the sun too much. / (pointing pipe at camera) And being purple probably means you're a burn victim. / These colors exist so that we properly know how to CRITICIZE and judge people. / For example, a person came up to me the other day who was yellow. / (pipe at camera) So I immediately knew I was not to trust him. / I didn't care that he told me he was a doctor and that I only had two days until my nipples fall off. / I knew that, because he was yellow, I had no reason to trust hi- (at this point, we hear two popping noises. That Guy immediately looks down at his chest and feels his breasts. He looks back up at the camera) Well, THAT'S gonna be an awkward cleanup after the show.

Narrator: Can you pronounce this Swedish word? (the word appears on the screen but is not said: "Allemansratten")

That Guy: Yes, I can.

Narrator: O Romeo, Romeo, Where Fore Art Thou Romeo?

That Guy: Well, I have no idea where Romeo is; but I DO know where Gnomeo is. You know, from the big hit movie Gnomeo and Juliet? / (yelling) He's in the fiery pits of hell for even being thought up by such a jackass writer! / God, that movie was horrible! And I haven't even SEEN it! / I saw the trailer, though! It IMPALED my testicles! / (calm demeanor, looking briefly up) I love Shakespeare.

Narrator: Where have you been all my life?

That Guy: I've been in the house of that woman who looks suspiciously like The Makeover Fairy. / (looks up, tapping his mouthpiece to his chin) Come to think of it, I probably should do something with that body. She's starting to smell. / (a door shutting is heard from "upstairs") Whoop! Sounds like she's alive after all. (laughs) I'll take care of THAT. (he raises his left hand from behind the bar, which is holding a hammer. He then exits the bar screen-left to "take care of that")

Narrator: Why is there blood on my shirt?

That Guy: (coming back, wiping the hammer on his ascot and setting it down on the bar) Well, a lot of that depends on the gender you are. / If you're a man, it's probably because you KILLED something because that's all we do: / kill and put our dicks into things. / And, if you're a lady, it's probably cuz you're having LADY issues / because that's all LADIES do: / bleed and make babies. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking / Can't men and women do a lot more than just those things? / Well, of course they can; but why would you WANT to? / To expand your life and see the glorious world that's out there? / That's just sick. / Almost as sick as having your nipples fall off. (pauses and then briefly looks down at his chest; he then mutters:) Ya bastard.

Narrator: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life other than being really, really ridiculously good-looking?

That Guy: Sometimes. But then I get drunk again, and ALL those thoughts disappear. / Alcohol. It not only goes you drunk, it makes you say your sentences not good well. / Hey, what was hamster jelly anyway?

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: (looks to his right then back) Well, what was the question?

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: Yes, I know that. But I need to know the question first.

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: Well, this is kinda silly. I can't answer that question unless I know (starting to get irritated) THE QUESTION.

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: (getting mad and a bit scared) Stop it! Stop playing these mind games with me!

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: (anger growing) Stop it! (points pipe at camera) CEASE AT ONCE!

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: (hits the bar and becomes fearfully furious) SHUT UP!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!! WHAT, DO YOU ENJOYING TORTURING ME LIKE THIS?! YOU HORRID, HORRID ASKING MAN!!

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: (slams his hands on the bar, yelling/crying at the same time almost) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! YOU ARE HORRID!! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY HORRID!! (almost incoherently now) ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TELL ME THE QUESTION, AND YOU'RE NOT!! WITHOUT TELLING ME THE QUESTION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!! (screaming loudly) WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHY DO YOU ENJOY TORTURING MY SOUL?!?! (quickly in a normal voice) Wait, what was the question?

Narrator: True or false?

That Guy: Oh, false, obviously. (scoffs and looks up)

Narrator: I am a huge fan. Such a huge fan that I found out where you live, went into your closet, put on sexy clothes that some dead woman was wearing and hid under your bar by turning into a wolf. As you are making your video, I am watching. I can see you and your delicious glasses. My question is: What would you like me to do to you?

That Guy: Well, extremely strange wolf-lady, if you REALLY are under there and you watch my show all of the time, then I think you know EXACTLY what I WANT you to do. (after a pause, he starts making "O" faces and moans) Oh... Oh yes, that's good. (puts his hands on the bar to stabilize him) Oh, that's VERY good. Oof... oh my! Oh, a little faster... little faster... That's better. (starting to pant a bit) Ohhh... oh yes, that's very good. Ohhh... I have to say she has a talent for... (at this point, we hear a wild wolf growl and take a presumed bite out of That Guy from "somewhere" on his body; That Guy starts yelling and slowly sinks down to the ground. All the while, the wolf continues to growl and snarl. That Guy tries punching it twice to get it to stop; it doesn't work. He then grabs the hammer from before and strikes the wolf three times. THAT doesn't help as That Guy eventually disappears from view. After a few seconds, the wolf stops making noise; and That Guy returns into view, exhausted from the ordeal and panting:) Whoo!.(panting heavily and sweating) My GOD, is she good at that! / (holding his drink in his left hand now) This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." [winks, takes a drink from his glass, faces the camera, and then looks down) Where were we? (he crouches back down behind the bar; we then hear him scream three times] Oh my GOD, you're talented!

THE END