Event Horizon

(We start off with a parody of the introduction of Goosebumps. Firstly, NC is shown walking outside a grassy park, carrying a bag labeled "Shadowy Letter Collection". NC opens the bag, causing all sorts of written papers and shadowy letters to fly around the place. One letter passes by a billboard of Stephen King, with a caption saying, "Read Stephen King!". A person picks up one written paper, which says "Goosebumps now nostalgically profitable!". The person is revealed to have Jack Black's face, who glows million dollar signs on his eyes. A shadowy letter flies towards a front door of a house and knocks on it. NC approaches the door)

NC: Goddamn it.

(He opens the door, revealing several clips of NC's past Halloween-related episodes, before revealing the logo "Nostalgia-Ween")

Ghostly Voice: Nostalgia-Ween! Look out, there's bullshit about... (Laughs giddily)

(We fade into NC at his house. He goes into a door, and comes out, now wearing a jacket colored with Halloween pumpkins. He walks into the kitchen, and pours three different cereals into a bowl, before pouring the milk and putting something in the middle of the bowl. Just as he is about to eat his food, NC suddenly screams in pain and falls to the ground as large balls of fire start coming out from his ass. Malcolm and Tamara come in and notice him)

Tamara: Kill him with violence!

(She and Malcolm grab a couple of weapons, yell a battle cry, and start beating the crap out of NC. After a couple of seconds of beating up NC, we cut to a doctor examining NC as Malcolm and Tamara look on. The doctor approaches the two)

Doctor: Well, you were right to be afraid. (Malcolm and Tamara immediately resume beating up NC) No, but, not of him. (Malcolm and Tamara stop, with Tamara doing one more hit on NC) You see, the Critic's ass is actually the gateway to Hell.

NC: What?

Doctor: Yeah, see for yourself.

(The trio look inside NC's ass. Inside is Hell, with the Devil (Malcolm) again being shown. The Devil notices the trio looking at him)

Devil: Do you mind? I'm remodeling! (Blasts a burst of fire at the trio, before picking up a flower plant) This place needs a plant. (Walks away)

Malcolm: Why is the gateway to Hell in the Critic's ass?

Doctor: Well, that's the funny thing about Hell. You see, it can appear just about anywhere. The grocery store, the laundromat, and most political fundraisers.

NC: But I always thought Hell was more a state of being, the absence nay, rejection of God, leading to world devoid of happiness, compassion and love.

Doctor: Nope, it's a place in your ass. Haven't you ever seen Event Horizon?

NC: Oh, you mean that piece of...? (Fire bursts out of NC's ass)

Tamara: Wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with the cult following where even the cult following doesn't know why there's a cult following?

Doctor: Oh, yes. And according to the director of Mortal Kombat, Hell can even exist in space.

Malcolm: Really?

Doctor: Yes, my friend.

Malcolm: That sounds like really lazy design work.

Devil: (Off-screen) I'm putting in a plant!

(Now we cut to the logo of Event Horizon, followed up by clips of the movie)

NC (vo): Event Horizon was one of those films that got a lot of advertising when it came out, but it was a critical and box office failure, leading to it disappearing really quickly. But over the years, it's grown a bizarre fanbase. Of who, you may ask? Um...remember those jocks who wanted to think they were into hardcore scary movies for a couple seconds?

NC: (Jock voice) Hey, uh, you remember that movie that was like Star Wars but kind of scary?

Voice: Event Horizon?

NC: (Jock voice) Yeah! Yeah! That was a thing.

NC (vo; normal): Okay, I can't say that's all of them, but it's usually the ones that I've come across. Nevertheless, it's still hard to figure out why this has gotten the attention it has over the years, but maybe this Nostalgia-Ween, we can figure it out.

NC: So let's see why Hell has such a fucking weird Realtor. (Another burst of fire bursts out from NC's ass) This is Event Horizon.

NC (vo): So after hearing music by that nightclub you pass by and go "nah", we get some background on our futuristic setting. Oh, so we colonized the moon this year, huh? Why am I always the last to know these things? Oh, that's making Sharkboy and Lavagirl look like Lord of the Rings right now!