The Wall

(The Channel Awesome intro plays. Cold-open on the camera making its way slowly through a darkened hallway of the office. It's Tamara, dressed in a maid's outfit. She walks up to a door and is about to knock on it when she spots a message that reads: "Rock star pondering. DON'T YOU DARE F@#*ING KNOCK!" Confused, Tamara leaves, walks around a corner, notices the camera on the floor and tosses a cloth on the ground. Cut to black as the following words, written in the font of The Wall, appear: "Nostalgia Critic Reviews: Pink Floyd – The Wall". Cut to a TV showing the YouTube logo, while piled on a table in front of it are several magazines about the band Slipknot. Sitting on the couch is the band's lead singer, Corey Taylor, as he sits and stares. He takes a remote control and pushes a button. The YouTube screen is displayed, showing episodes of, among other things, Law and Order, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Saturday Night Live, and The Nostalgia Critic, with a review of The Wall''. Taylor pushes a button on the remote in the direction of NC's video, and NC appears on the screen)''

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Pink Floyd: The Wall...or is it Pink Floyd's The Wall? I never know where to put the "s" there...is an abstract musical that musician Roger Waters described as a separation between a rock star and his audience. But it's so much more than that...I think. When it came out in 1982, it got mixed reviews and did only okay at the box office. Many saw it as too pretentious and full of itself, saying it's way...

(Corey stares at the TV and takes his sunglasses from his hat to put them on...and cut to Corey's youth, where he finishes putting them on. Young Corey is played by Corey's actual son, Griff Taylor. After seeing the poster to The Wall, he goes to sit at the movie theater. On screen, after the film's title, several shots of articles from critics panning the movie appear in front of the starry sky. Young Corey feels disinterested and starts to leave the theater. All throughout, NC sings the review's first song that mirrors "When the Tigers Broke Free")

NC: It was just before dusk 

One dark weekend evening

While on your way home,

When all the critics told you 

Pink Floyd's "Wall" was shite,

When you thought it was kind of all right.

And the masses gave bangs 

As the movie tanked,

Aiding to obscurity for a while.

The arthouse ego trip

Had fallen, then slipped

For the bargain bin for $3.93.

''(In the present day, Corey finishes taking off his sunglasses and continues staring. Outside the room, Tamara walks to the door again. She hesitates at first, as we cut to Corey's hand in close-up that shows he's holding a fully burnt cigarette. Tamara slowly puts her hand close to door to knock on it...and a sudden cut to a huge crowd at a rock concert, field of cows...exploding, and NC on TV suddenly wearing a "faceless" mask for some split seconds and leaning to camera. Corey's eyes widen from surprise. Many one-second shots feature not only the crowd and Corey's crazy reactions, but also NC trying to break the TV screen...and SpongeBob SquarePants? After NC makes the final hit on the glass, several screenshots of the movie in question appear as the rendition of "In the Flesh?" is heard playing. The screen explodes once more, giving NC access to break free and get out of the TV and into Corey's room. He sings to him)''

NC: Been a long time

Since you've seen

Pink Floyd's "The Wall".

Slipknot, Stone Sour, so much happened since you

Thought of it at all.

Tell me when you were a fan of the band, Corey.

Is this not what you expected to see?

If you want to find out what's behind this weird shit,

You'll first have to figure if it's lame or legit!

(More quick clips are shown, including what the viewer will see in the video. After this and another boom, we fade to another flashback, with young Corey at the computer at home)

Corey's father (Barney): (offscreen) All right, Corey. You can use my computer to do your homework, but no looking through my desk. Got it?

(We immediately cut to Corey searching through several papers and magazines in the desk's drawer. Corey then discovers a VHS of The Wall and examines it. He puts it in VCR and sits on the floor to watch. Throughout this, a reprise of "When the Tigers Broke Free" rendition is sung by NC)

NC: Good old Pink Floyd

Made a movie devoid

Of even the slightest bit of subtlety.

The production was fancy,

Away too damn angsty

For adults to take seriously.

But I found it one day

In my dad's porno stash, (As this line is sung, a cover for "Weird Ass What Magazine" is shown, with a tagline "Super Hot! Super Weird! Super What?")

Hidden away.

And my eyes did grew big

At the feelings he felt.

I discovered I felt the same thing.

(The guitars in the song start rocking harder as Corey stands up, puts on his rock musician attire and takes a guitar. He looks in the mirror)

Kids' emotions are flawed,

But are nevertheless raw,

Felt when the wall broke free!

Every monster that's wild

Was a range-killing child,

Like in this movie!

They all dreamed just like Floyd,

Most of them falling

'''Into the void! (The void!)'''

That's why I watch, despite it 

Being so whiny,

You see.

(Cut to the present day, where Corey, still sitting, slowly makes a glance outside his room, where a very familiar dark CGI creature with one red eye and one white eye, which is wearing a red hat and giving a slasher smile, peeks from another door)

Voice: Corey!... Corey!...

(Smash cut to Corey's childhood again, where he sits behind a school desk wearing headphones and is surrounded by his teacher, played by Rob Scallon, and his classmates (Tamara, Walter, Malcolm and Heather))

Teacher: Corey! (slams ruler on the desk) Pay attention!

(The classmates giggle mischievously. Corey takes off headphones)

Teacher: (takes out an audiocassette) What's this? Hmm. Pink Floyd? The boy fancies himself a musician.

(The classmates giggle again as the teacher puts the cassette in Walter's shirt pocket)

Teacher: It's rubbish. Now, what did I just say, Corey?

Young Corey: "We don't need no education"?

(The classmates giggle)

Teacher: Well, that's grammatically incorrect, so, apparently, you do need some education.

(Another giggle)

Teacher: School is no laughing matter. Do you know what we're teaching in these walls?

Young Corey: How to fix a car, pay your taxes, ace an interview, perform first aid, manage your insurance, cook healthy meals, or do household repairs?

Teacher: Preposterous! We pay other people to do these things. We teach important things you need to know in life. Like Algebra, Trigonometry, Physics, Geology, Sex Ed. (The classmates wince) Oh, that's right. You have letters that say you don't need to learn that. Well, it shouldn't be too important. Especially in the case of that kid.

(The classmates giggle once again)

Teacher: Do you laugh at everything?! Well, anyway, continue to act like the oppressed. And me, the oppressor. Rock albums seem to really eat that shit up.

(Hearing another giggle from the students, the teacher turns to hit them with a ruler. The outside of this school, which looks like a castle from a horror movie, is shown with thunderstorm and bats flying out)

Dracula-esque voice (Doug): Welcome to high school, where all the teachers are monsters. I know they look like they want to teach you something, but they don't! They just want to teach you up, because we're evil, bloodsucking vampire things! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(The bat with a "faceless" mask flies next to Corey walking solemnly in the school's halls. The rendition of the famous "Another Brick in the Wall" begins. While NC sings onscreen and offscreen, the four classmates march in a row wearing "faceless" masks. Throughout the sequence, the shots from the movie are shown)

NC: We need more victimization.

Dracula-esque voice: There are no good teachers! Not one, not even by accident!

NC: We need more stuff to rebel.

Dracula-esque voice: We don't want to help you! We just want to eat your blood and suck your flames!

NC: '''The war education system's broke. '(As he sings this, the screenshot of an article "18 reasons why the US education system is failing" appears)''

Dracula-esque voice: Well, maybe it's the other way around. I don't know! I get the high school education! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

NC: This is pandering like hell.

Dracula-esque voice: Remember that one teacher who seemed cool? He wasn't! He was all part of the plan!

'''NC: HEY! WHO CARES?! All this bitching sells!'''

Dracula-esque voice: Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?

(The "faceless" students start walking in the row across the screen)

NC: Well, oh, well, we got another hit in the wall.

Dracula-esque voice: That candy was really sugar-coated children's souls!

'''NC: LOL, so school sucks. Grow a damn pair of balls.'''

Dracula-esque voice: CHILDREN'S SOULS! We're so evil! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

<...>

Tamara: Wait, time out. Is this really a World War II reference?

Walter: No, it's just a bunch of kids being herded onto a train to a horrible tortures building-- (realizes) Ohhh.

Tamara: Yeah, we're really comparing this to high school?

(A giant NC bends down to look in the tunnel)

NC: No, no! It's just meant to be weird and creepy. They're not implying...that.

Walter: I don't think there's a way to not connect that.

NC: Oh, come on! They're just saying school sucks! They're not making any connections to that. Now let's go on to the next song that talks about the horrors of World War II-- Oh, crap.

Tamara: See?

NC: It's just a coincidence! Maybe. I don't know.

(Tamara and Walter stare at NC)

NC: ...Bye.

(NC leaves the tunnel and resumes standing. He spits out...a flaming dove. The bird flies across white clouds in the sky. After some seconds, the dove is shot and changes into a black drawing of a bird that reads "Ego". It gets bigger and bigger in size as it approaches a cartoon human that represents "Self-Content". As the rendition of "Goodbye Blue Sky" starts to play, we're shown shots displaying cemeteries, war battles, and the footage of peaceful Chicago forests. At one point, a Claymation Godzilla-esque monster is shown to be rampaging)

NC: D-D-D-Doesn't this seem too heavy?

Is World War II with monsters too silly?

Oh, Roger Waters, did you ever wonder

Why these images of slaughter

Made it in a film that also

Sings about how high school bites?

(A storm cloud with "My Problems" written on it starts raining. Several sunflowers reading "Pity" grow. As the smaller storm cloud, "Other People's Problems", gets closer to "My Problems" cloud, it stops raining...and destroys the small cloud with lightning)

Is it saying anything batty

Was back then so we supposed to wee?

Sure, we're all bummed out but you're losing plot in this movie.

So long,

Oscar-bait song.

Smoke a bong,

And then we'll feel us wrong.

So long.

Weird song.

(NC goes back to peek in the tunnel)

NC: Is that better?

Tamara: Dude, I don't know what to think while watching that.

NC: (suddenly appears in normal size next to Tamara) Good! That means we're brilliant. Now, I'm gonna go to a slow, slow mopey song.

Walter: Haven't we had enough of those?

NC: Yeah, but we have had several of them back-to-back, so that'll really mix things up.

(NC sits in a corner of a room, with a phone in his hands)

NC: Watch how I do a sad song about being cheated on.

Tamara: So, you're going from World War II, one of the worst things to ever happen...

Walter: ...to bitching about your girlfriend cheating on you?

NC: Hey, it doesn't matter how I'm pained, as long as I'm torturously pained.

Walter: Sounds pretty douchey, man.

Tamara: Yeah, pretty douchey.

NC: Hey, if someone doesn't like my artistic dive into madness caused by an affair...

Tamara: You mean like The Room?

NC: No.

Tamara: Yes.

NC: Shut up. ...they can just skip the scene!

Walter: (shrugs) Eh. Fair enough.

NC: Thank you. (holds the phone close to ear and looks worried) What's that, person I could never see betraying me? You're betraying me?

(NC sadly looks above. Cut to Corey in his room, sighing at this and grabbing the remote)

NC: (starts singing) Oh...

(The TV screen changes to NC standing in the same room, but at night. NC notices this)

NC: I got a lot more drawn-out angst than that!

(He sits down glumly and takes a remote. A woman representing the main character's wife, played by Heather, comes in)

Wife: Hey, so you invited me up here. What you want to do?

NC: Just watch TV.

Wife: (looks annoyed) You invited me up here to literally watch TV?

NC: I'm a successful musician with millions! How can you expect me to be happy?

Wife: This is gonna be another one of those slow mopey songs, isn't it?

NC: Yes.

(NC quickly puts the remote to look up and sing again as the light guitar music plays, causing Corey to roll eyes in exasperation)

NC: (sings) I know that--

(Corey clicks on his remote again, transporting NC...next to a toilet)

NC: Don't worry! I have a slow mopey song here, too! (clears throat and sings) Hey, you--

(Corey is clearly through with all this as he clicks again...to see NC shirtless and wailing his arms in a "crucified" pose)

NC: Oh, my God! Doesn't this remind you of Jesus?! I'm like Jesus! I'M JESUS! FEEL SORRY FOR ME! I'M JESUS!

(Corey clicks once more...and NC is now in a peaceful meadow. As he looks around in confusion, Corey has had enough and starts to nod off. Finally, he falls asleep. NC walks close to camera/TV screen to watch Corey sleeping)

NC: Is there anybody who cares?

(The room becomes more dim, as the shadow of the animal-like creature from before looms above the sleeping Corey menacingly. Cut to Tamara's outside preparing to knock...and cue the next song, a parody of "Comfortably Numb")

NC: Wake up, wake up, wake up,

Are you still awake in that chair?

Just keep listening to me,

I know you're kinda bored.

'''Yes, sure. Yes, sure. Yes, sure.'''

It's a lot of slow songs now.

It's hard to keep on track

With mellow songs back-to-back.

(As NC continues singing, the sound of crashing is heard, and Tamara, Corey's manager (played by Brad Jones) and the paramedic (Malcolm) burst into the room)

Manager: Ah, shit! He's watching the boring parts of The Wall. Wake him up!

(All three attempt to wake Corey up)

'''NC: Don't go. Don't go. Don't go.'''

You need to watch this movie first,

Just to have an hour more.

Come on, you've gone through worse.

(Fade to NC walking through meadow in thoughts. Several shots from the film appear as well)

You came before we were a-singing,

Unless you don't wanna be seen as deep.

Your attention constantly may fade.

You rise, move, but do you care what was saying?

When I was a child, remembered being invested,

Like hearing "The Dark Side of the Moon".

Now I've grown, this section starts to drag,

'''Like my long neck. I just don't understand:'''

Is this now how I am?

I...have become comfortably dumb.

'''Okay. Okay. Okay.'''

Just get through the damn flick.

You want to seem cool,

But this ain't getting your kicks.

Can you listen, listen, listen?

Later, there will be a quiz.

Somebody has to feel the same

When they become so lame.

There is only so long I can go

When hearing a millionaire say, "Things blow."

'''It's like I've been asleep for days. '(Onscreen, NC gets annoyed by a super long walk in the meadow and mouths something that sounds like "Oh, come the fuck on!")''

The film plays, but I can't take the complaining.

(Eventually, the manager throws Corey on the floor, and he half-awakens. He is surprised to see his young self sitting on the floor and holding a VHS box for The Wall. The grown-up Corey sits in the same pose and smiles)

Until you're child,

It's just how unreal thing is.

Just found until it bit my eyes.

The epic feels I had are gone,

I don't know what is going on now.

The child is gone,

My life moved on.

I...wish those days weren't just affairs.

(In real life, the manager, Tamara and the paramedic drag the dozing Corey out of his room. They go into a warehouse and put him down)

Manager: This is why I bring people that I don't want other people to see. Now sober up, or have an existential conflict. Either works for me.

(All three go away, leaving Corey alone. Suddenly, the warehouse door opens to reveal a bright light. Corey gets up...and the camera shows us a bald man in a black coat from behind, as he slowly goes to a cheering audience. After the screen turns white, the Nostalgia Critic logo appears, signaling the start of a commercial)