Guardians of the Galaxy

Announcer: And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review... Guardians of the Galaxy.

I am Bum-Lord. And this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life (struggles to take helmet off and punches himself as the camera blacks out)

Spoilers, ow.

There's this guy called Andy from Parks & Rec. Oh, I love that show, this movie's gonna be so funny.

And it opens with his mother dying of cancer

(Mouth open) Uh, I think I got the wrong movie

And the mother is dying, and she's holding out her hand like "take my hand son"

And he's like "No, no I'm too afraid"

And then she dies, leaving this crippling feeling in side of him to scar him for life

And then he runs out into the forest screaming "Oh god my mother is dead"!

I'm sorry isn't this the movie with the giant talking tree and the spaceship and the green lady

"Mommy's dead, Mommy dead"!

Did I confuse this with Fault in our Stars. Now that I think about it they do have similar titles

But then a spaceship comes down and abducts him, and he's like

Where are you taking me?

To Bullshit Land where aliens want to take over the world and stuff

Gee, these two things really don't mix, you sure I'm not creating an alternate reality to deal with the fact that I just lost my mother?

I don't know but thousands of forums conspiracists say thank you

You're welcome guys

So years later Andy grows up into a beefed-up super thief

No seriously I don't know what this guy did but he killed a wizard and somehow used his powers to get Arnold Schwarzenegger's body

The old Schwarzenegger, not the deflating balloon Schwarzenegger

And he is captured by an evil villain named Ronan.

You see years ago