Jaws: The Revenge

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! Remember the movie “Jaws”?

(Footage from “Jaws” plays)

NC (Voiceover): That scary film that made everybody afraid to go back into the water? It took the world by storm. The Spielberg classic was about a giant killer shark who roamed the seas killing people. Swimmers were dropping like flies, but luckily, Roy Schneider came in and said, “Smile, you son of a bitch!” and blew the monster into kingdom come, allowing our heroes to live happily ever after.

(The poster for “Jaws 2” is shown)

Old Man (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) I’m not dead!

NC (voiceover): Oh, until he (the shark) made an unexplained comeback in “Jaws 2.” (footage from “Jaws 2” plays) Funny, I didn’t know sharks could put themselves back together so neatly, but no matter! Roy Schneider is back to save the day. He fights the creature off and, once again, blows him to smithereens, allowing, once again, our heroes to live happily ever after.

(The poster for “Jaws 3-D” is shown)

Old Man (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) I feel fine!

NC (voiceover): Oh, God! That is, (footage from “Jaws 3-D” is shown) until “Jaws 3-D” where, once again, our shark can’t take a hint that we don’t want to see him anymore! OK, you know the drill. Shark, screaming, blow him up, Sea World regrets granting filming privileges, and once again, our heroes live happily ever after!

(The poster for “Jaws: The Revenge” is shown)

Old Man (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) I feel happy!

NC (voiceover): Oh, Christ. ANOTHER ONE?!

NC: This shark has more lives than a soap opera lead!

(The movie’s title screen is shown, then a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): That’s right, folks. “Jaws 4” is the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary sequel of the unnecessary sequel. It has all the crap and over-the-top shark attacks you’d expect to see at this point, and all you had to sacrifice was your ability to give a shit. It’s the very last and the very long line of disappointment.

NC: So, let’s head back into the water for the worst of the worst. This is “Jaws 4.”

(The movie starts with the point-of-view shot of the shark swimming underwater)

NC and the audience: Seen it!

NC (voiceover): Good God, how many times are we gonna see that shark point-of-view? Haven’t we already established that this is already the world’s slowest moving shark? And on top of that, the movie is called “Jaws: The Revenge.” Really? It’s taken him four movies to finally get a plan together? This better be a damn good scheme. Oh, hey, can I take a guess? Let’s say it’s, uhm, sneaking up on people and eating them. Am I close? Tell me I’m close!

(Cut to a scene in the kitchen of the Brody home where Ellen Brody and her son Sean are cooking)

Sean (to his mother): We’re helping Tiffany buy a Christmas tree.

Ellen Brody: OK, but a small one this year.

NC (voiceover): We open up with the wife of Martin Brody, Ellen Brody.

(Cut to Sean and Ellen talking to a little girl over the phone)

Ellen: I know you can use the phone by yourself. You’re a big girl!

Thea: (over the phone) I’m five years old now, Grandma!

Ellen: I know you’re five years old.

Sean: Hiya, kiddo! How you doin’ down there in the sunshine?

Thea: I’m fine, Uncle Sean.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, yeah, where’s the shark?

(Cut to two women leaving an office building)

Woman #1: How come you get to leave early?

Woman #2: ‘Cause my desk is closer to the door.

NC (voiceover): OK, I guess the shark’s got a while, so let’s introduce the appetizers. This is Sean, Ellen’s son. This is Mike, her other son. Where’s Roy Schneider, you might ask? Well, he’s right there! (cut to a photo of Martin Brody on a wall at the police station) Yeah, I guess they figure they hold onto this picture for a good five minutes and somehow, that’ll count as him making an appearance.

Sean: (to the police secretary)That bad, huh?

NC (voiceover): Actually, they say that he died in between films. And, I have to admit, I always find it weird when they kill off a character in between movies when we clearly know the actor is alive, like with Sean Connery in the last Indiana Jones movie.

Indiana Jones (from “Indiana Jones 4”): A brutal couple of years, huh, Charlie? First Dad, then Marcus.

NC (voiceover): Oh, really? He died in between films? Yeah, well, I’m sure he kept the receipt for that cup of everlasting life! Kind of false advertising, don’t you think?

Police secretary: (to Sean) There’s an old dock pile that drifted in the channel, stuck on a channel marker.

NC (voiceover): So Sean is called out to get rid of an old dock pile, and of course, to do this, he has to go on a boat.

NC: OK, how long until he gets it? (to a clamoring audience, holding bets with the options “Bets for 2 Minutes,” “Bets for 3 Minutes,” and “Bets for 4 Minutes” below him) Do I hear two minutes? Two minutes? I hear three! Three minutes? Three minutes? Do I hear four minutes? Four minutes? Four minutes? (stops holding bets) Alright! All bets are off, let’s take a look!

(Sean pokes at the dock pile until the shark (from his point-of-view) approaches the boat)

Admiral Ackbar (from “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi”): It’s a trap!

(The shark rises out of the water and attacks Sean)

NC: And the official answer is…two minutes! Well done, everybody! (applauds) Well done. (sits back with his arms folded and smiling)

Eric Idle: (audio) He’s not quite dead.

NC: Shut up.

NC (voiceover): By the way, don’t you just love how there’s blood already in the water even before he attacks? Maybe he’s so imitating that people just start bleeding before they see him.

 (Sean groans in pain after being attacked and bitten)

NC (voiceover): Of course, the shark bites him again and takes him under, leaving Sean’s mother to deal with the bad news.

(Ellen looks at the camera in sadness at the sight of Sean’s dead body at the morgue)

NC (voiceover): (as the director) OK, will somebody tell Max von Sydow to take off that wig? This is a serious moment. (normal) So her other son Michael comes in to try and comfort her, but the pain is too overbearing.

Woman #3: She’s been out there for hours.

Mike: How’s she doing?

NC (voiceover): Oh, dancing on rainbows, singing show tunes, how do you think she’s doing?!

Woman #3: (to Thea) Dear, you’re so grown up.

Thea: Uncle Sean is dead, you know. Will he ever come back?

NC: Well, I don’t know. If you can blow up a shark three times, I’m sure Uncle Sean has a shot!

NC (voiceover): But Ellen is convinced this is not just your everyday shark eating a large boat incident. There must be a connection.

Ellen: (hugs Mike outside) It came for him.

Mike: What?

Ellen: It waited all this time and it came for him.

NC (voiceover): Waited all this time? Where? Was he filling up on SNL cast members for practice?

(Cut to Ellen and Mike arguing in the kitchen)

Ellen: I want you to get out of the water.

Mike: What? Come on, sit down. We’ll get dinner started.

Ellen: I don’t want anyone in my family to go anywhere near the water! Never again! Never!

NC: Oh, now where is this coming from?

Mike: You can’t believe that voodoo! Sharks don’t commit murder! They don’t pick out a person.

Ellen: It picked out Sean. It killed your father.

Mike: Dad died from a heart attack!

Ellen: He died from fear. The fear of it killed him.

NC (voiceover): Ahh, so it’s the FEAR of the shark that killed him! Hmm, that’s interesting, being considering that he kicked this thing, swam around it and blew it up TWICE in two movies! Yeah, I’m sorry, but that’s really insulting to his character. I mean, look at this guy. He had more balls than any of us put together. He’s fighting a shark, and you’re actually gonna say that he died of fear? Well…that’s one hell of a delayed response, isn’t it? I mean, what, was he just sitting around one day saying…

NC: (as Martin Brody reading a book, then looks up) Holy smokes that was dangerous. (yelps, clutches his heart and falls forward)

NC (Voiceover): So they go to Sean’s funeral and…in sort of a bizarre scene, she (Ellen) starts laughing. I guess she’s thinking of the good times they had, but…look at everybody! They look at her like she’s totally nuts!

Preacher: (while Ellen laughs to herself) A time to mourn, and a time to die.

NC: (as Ellen, notices another person looking at him) Oh! I’m sorry! I just saw a dick in the box for the first time. (laughs, then pauses before singing to himself softly and making a scissors-cutting motion with one hand) Cut a hole in the box…

NC (Voiceover): So Michael offers his mother to live with him down in the Bahamas, hoping that being surrounded by even more water will somehow cheer her up.

Mike: (picks up Thea in his arms) OK, here we go!

Thea: Woah! (laughs)

Mike: Airplane ride! (lifts Thea up and down and makes vroom noises while she giggles in delight)

(Ellen walks off laughing a bit, but then starts to cry)

NC (voiceover): No, no. Lady, you got the reactions backwards. You’re supposed to cry at the funeral and laugh when you’re with the little girl. Gah! Didn’t they teach you anything in Acting 101?

(A sea plane flies over the shoreline of the Bahamas)

NC (voiceover): So they fly over to the Bahamas with the help of their pilot friend played by (in a British accent) Michael Caine! (normal) Who you may remember acting alongside much more believable animatronics in the “Muppet Christmas Carol.” (the poster for that movie is shown briefly) He actually starts to befriend her, and they have a little romance going on. Meanwhile, though, Mike has the incredible job of watching underwater snails!

NC: (frowns at the camera and then sarcastically spins his finger in the air) Wooo.

Jake (a Jamaican crew member): You go away, you leave me high and dry doing the work by myself, and come back like a zombie. It’s Christmas Eve, I’m working overtime ‘cause of you!

Mike: Hey!

Jake: (pauses at first) I’m sorry about your brother.

NC (voiceover): What the-What is with the emotional transitions in this movie?! They’re all so sporadic! Is the Eastern Seaboard filled with bipolars? Oh, well. They try to look past their emotional awkwardness and still try to have a merry Christmas.

(Mike examines his present, which is a Hawaiian shirt)

Mike: Sharp shirt, Jake.

Jake: (smiles) Hey! May your sex life be as busy as your shirt.

Tiffany (Mike’s fiancée): Thank you.

NC (voiceover): (as Thea) Mommy, what’s sex?

(Ellen starts to step outside the house; Mike notices this as the conversation continues)

Thea: It has a teapot and cups and saucers…

Jake: And a sugar bowl, and a creamer…

NC (voiceover): (as Thea) Yeah, it’ll improve my sex life! (a smack is heard) Ow! What? (normal) But sure enough, even in the Bahamas, Ellen’s sharky senses are tingling.

(Ellen stands up to look out in the ocean as Thea continues talking; cut to Mike and his crew out at sea)

Mike: Jake?

(Cut to Jake in a shark cage, and Jaws is right beside him)

NC (voiceover): Yes. You’re seeing this right, people. The shark actually followed them all the way from the United States to the Bahamas! Holy shit, how is that possible?! How can he find these people? Is he, like, some sort of technologically advanced supershark?

(A photoshopped sea plane flies overhead the shark at a beach in the US)

Shark: Ha! You won’t get away that easily! (launches himself like a rocket and flies in the sky as the Batman theme music plays)

NC (voiceover): He (the shark) attacks the ship and…oddly enough, the crew looks less terrified and…more annoyed.

Crew member: (annoyed) Jesus Christ!

NC: (as the crew member) Oh! That is so annoying. (whispers) We should report him.

NC (Voiceover): So, rather than say, “HOLY SHIT! SHARKS CAN TRAVEL MILES AND MILES SOLELY FUELED BY GRUDGE!” Michael decides he wants to study the creature.

Jake: Now we’re gonna do some real research, boy!

Mike: Do me a favor, will you? Don’t say anything about this to my mom.

NC: (as Mike) She would totally ground me! Last time I went out with a shark and came back after my curfew, wow, I was in so much trouble.

NC (voiceover): So, of course, like a dumbass, he continues to go out into the ocean in trying to tempt the shark.

(POV shot of the shark going up to the water’s surface where there is blood coming from the bait and jumps out to grab hold of it with his teeth)

NC (voiceover): Boy, Jaw’s revenge plot doesn’t have much focus, does it? (as the shark) I’ll travel miles and miles across the sea just to get my revenge and-Ooh! Cow leg! Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom! Boy, you guys don’t go around for the cheap stuff, do you-(Jake stabs the shark with a harpoon) D’ohh! You cockholes! Damnit! Eyes on the prize, Jake boy! Eyes on the prize! (normal) So…to be honest, most of the movie is just Caine and Mrs. Brody getting to know each other better. Well, once in a while, they’ll cut to a shot of the shark. That’s it! Yeah, it’s like “Terms of Endearment” if it was interrupted by, oh I don’t know, a “Jaws” movie! But, over time, Jaws manages to get the dart off—I guess he had one of his underwater friends with opposable thumbs help him out—so, of course, they have a hard time looking for it. But don’t worry; he finds them pretty easily.

(Jaws attacks a part of a mini submersible ship)

Mike: (piloting inside the ship) Jake!

(Jaws attacks the rear end of the mini submersible ship while Mike escapes and swims away)

NC (voiceover): Oh, my G—Look at this. The roof is gone, he’s completely in the open, and yet Jaws continues to eat the metal on the ship! You know, for a movie called “The Revenge,” the actual “revenge” is really clumsy! Dude, just eat him! This is what you do! This revenge only has two steps!

(Two bulleted captions of “Find a Brody” and “Eat a Brody” are shown)

NC (voiceover): Bingo! But thank God, just like in every Jaws movie, there’s a sunken ship just a few meters away.

(Mike swims through the sunken ship as Jaws slowly follows him behind)

NC (Voiceover): You know, he doesn’t look so scary when he’s just wiggling his way through tiny holes. You ever see a fat person try to get through a tiny door?

NC: Kind of the same reaction.

(Mike stops to fix his oxygen tank when Jaws breaks through a wall)

Kool-Aid Man: (audio played over the scene) Oh, yeah! Here comes Kool-Aid! Here comes Kool-Aid! I’m gonna save the day!

(Mike escapes in time and swims to the surface before being pulled out by his crew)

NC (voiceover): (as Jake) So, same time tomorrow? (normal) Actually, that’s exactly what happens. He goes back into the water to fight this thing. But this time, Jaws isn’t looking for him! Yeah, his ingenious revenge now directed him to a beach a couple miles away. Yeah, that’s right. He’s (Mike) literally throwing himself at him, and he (Jaws)’s off at a beach trying to eat some kids. I’m sorry, I really don’t get Jaws’ plan! I mean, again, here he (Mike) is, out in the open, and you’re eating this banana boat! OK, I guess you could make the argument that he was going for the granddaughter, but she’s right there! (A green arrow points to where Thea is sitting on the boat while Jaws attacks another woman) He literally ignores her and goes for this other chick! What does she have to do with your plan? Did she…kick you when you were a guppy or something? I’m sorry, I know I’m dwelling on this, but I wouldn’t concentrate on this aspect of the revenge if the movie wasn’t called “The Revenge”! And the fact that he traveled so far to pull it off! I mean, if it wasn’t the revenge plot he was thinking of all this time, well, what was he thinking of [while] swimming to the Bahamas?

Shark: (sings to himself along to “Double Rainbow Across the Sky” while swimming) Cross the sky….Double Rainbow ‘cross the sky…

NC (voiceover): But this time, Ellen decides the shark has gone too far. It’s time for Jaws to face his greatest opponent yet: an aging wrinkly old blonde hair woman. And this time…it’s preposterous! But everyone else decides, “Hey! That’s a fucking weak climax.” So they get Michael Caine to fly them out to where she’s heading.

Caine: He’ll find her!

Mike: What do you know about it?

Caine: Well, she got the idea in her head that the…shark that killed Martin and Sean is following the family.

Jake: Hey, he’s not talking about our shark, eh?

Mike: What do you do when you’re not flying people?

Caine: I deliver laundry. (smiles)

NC: A peculiarly weird line.

NC (voiceover): But it seems like Jaws is getting closer and closer to his target, and the clock is ticking.

(Caine’s plane flies in close to Ellen’s boat as Jaws jumps out of the water ready to strike, but she ducks away and Jaws misses her as the plane flies away)

NC (voiceover): (as Caine) It’s OK! Sharks are terrified of aviation! Everybody knows this! (normal) So they land the plane in the water, which means now Jaws has four people to munch on, but for some reason, he doesn’t go after the people already in the water and decides, instead, he’s in the mood for British food.

Caine: (steps out of the plane) Complain, complain! (Jaws approaches him) Oh, shit! (jumps back into the plane)

NC (voiceover): (laughs) OK, this movie might be worth it just for that one line.

(Jaws approaches Caine)

Caine: Oh, shit! (jumps back into the plane)

NC (Voiceover): I wish I could be nonchalant about a great white coming after me.

(Jaws jumps out baring his teeth)

NC: (scoffs) Winning! (Jaws attacks him, and NC falls out of his chair to scream and yell)

(Jaws attacks the inside of the plane, but Caine apparently escapes and climbs up the side of the boat)

Caine: Give me a hand here, for Christ sake!

NC (Voiceover): Oh, yeah! Good thing an aging Michael Caine can outswim a giant killer shark without losing any of his limbs and coming out of the water almost completely dry. Yeah, to quote what you just said earlier…

NC: (bored and waves forward with one hand at the camera) Aww, shit!

NC (voiceover): But it turns out Jake might have an idea on how to fix the problem.

Jake: This is all theory, though. If it responds to an external electrical impulse, it might respond to one coming from inside it.

(Cut to a clip from the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cartoon)

Donatello: According to the life force scan-analyzer, these rampaging creatures are from Dimension X.

Mike: We’re bringin’ in ten on this, we’ve got a slave unit that should shock the hell out of it.

Jake: Right!

(Cut to a clip from “Batman and Robin”)

Batman: Sunlight could reverse the freezing process--

Robin: But it’s morning in the Congo!

Jake: I’m riggin’ the receiver. If it works, we get it inside that bastard and then we set it off.

(Cut to a clip from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”)

Data: My positronic sub-processor detected high frequency interphasic signatures from the organisms.

NC (Voiceover): Yeah, the short version is a blinking light will make him mad, so that’s what they try.

(Jake sticks a light into the mouth of Jaws, but then ends up getting attacked by Jaws and is pulled into the water)

Mike: (holds out yelling Jake’s name in a strange way) JAAAAAAAAAAAAA….

NC (Voiceover): (as Mike) I do my impression of a dolphin humping a goat for you!

Mike:…AAAAAAAKE!

NC (Voiceover): Well, because it worked SO well the first time, they’re gonna try blinking the light on him again.

(Mike stands at the boat’s edge and blinks the light at Jaws, making him…roar?)

NC (voiceover): (laughs) Did that thing just roar?!

(Jaws roars again)

NC (voiceover): Oh, my God. That’s Jaws roaring, people. I wouldn’t mind so much, except I think I know where this roar came from! This is the roar Jerry let out in a Tom and Jerry cartoon! Seriously, listen!

(Jerry makes a deep roar to Tom, then a cut to Jaws roaring for comparison between the two)

NC (voiceover): Well, gee, if you’re gonna steal cartoon sound effects, there’s a great buttload more you could rip from.

Prince Adam (from “He-Man”): (dubs over Jaws) I have the power!

NC (voiceover): So Ellen, in a fit of rage, starts driving the boat towards the shark. Not exactly sure what that’s gonna do, but let’s find out.

Martin Brody: (in a flashback clip from the first “Jaws” movie ready to fire at the shark) Smile, you son of a bitch!

(Ellen rams the boat into Jaws, causing him to spontaneously explode somehow)

NC: (reacts in surprise) What the hell?!

NC (Voiceover): He just…blew up! How the hell did the shark just blow up?! OK, alright, the other movies got bad, but they at least had a reason why the shark blew up. He didn’t just…spontaneously combust! I mean, Jesus! Why were we so afraid of this thing if he could blow up so easily? It’s like the world’s most sensitive shark!

(NC lightly taps Jaws, and Jaws explodes all over the place, covering NC)

NC (Voiceover): And get ready for dumb luck #2: the black guy survives! Yeah! Look at him! Talking and everything! You know what? I bet he actually feels better. I bet he actually feels better after being eaten by that shark!

Mike: The hell are you doin’ alive, huh?

Jake: (mumbles as he talks) I tell you…I show you Uncle Jake’s equipment dog-crapper, alright?

NC (voiceover): Well, I have no idea what you just said, so we’ll just say a wizard did it. And that’s it! That really is it! I don’t know what makes the death of this shark more permanent than the other three, but it looks like this is finally the last Jaws movie.

NC: Thank God!

(A montage of clips from the movie plays again)

NC (Voiceover): This is not only stupid, but it’s mostly kind of a bore. The setup is crazy, the characters are not interesting, and it mostly feels padded out. The shark is not as fake as the third film, but it’s still pretty fake. And, for a film called “The Revenge,” it’s a pretty lame revenge! Trust me when I say it’s safe to go back in the water because anything is better than sitting in your living room and watching this piece of shit!

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic…and I deliver laundry. (shrugs his shoulders before getting up to leave)

THE END

PS-The Explosion was explained in that techno-babble, but you try to figure that shit out.

Channel Awesome Tagline—Jake: (yelling out Jake’s name in a weird way) JAAAAAAA…..!