The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2015

Introduction
Todd plays Ellie Goulding - "Love Me Like You Do" on the piano.

'THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2015 A year-end review'

Todd: In a world of online reviews, only one man, one...brave soul waits to release his top tens for the year until mid-January!


 * Montage clips of The Weeknd - "The Hills"; Drake - "Hotline Bling"; Adele - "Hello"; Justin Bieber - "What Do You Mean?"; Major Lazor & DJ Snake ft. MØ - "Lean On"; Taylor Swift - "Wildest Dreams"; David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha & Afrojack - "Hey Mama"; WALK THE MOON - "Shut Up And Dance"; Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth - "See You Again"; Fetty Wap - "Trap Queen"; Meghan Trainor - "Lips Are Moving"; and OMI - "Cheerleader"

Todd (VO): I mean seriously, why am I the only one who waits? The year's not over until it's over! I saw some publications put up their best of the year lists in November! It's like Christmas ads, it just keeps rolling further and further. Hell people are doing a whole "Christmas in July" thing now. [picture of publication's "The 50 Best Albums of 2015 ... So Far] Best of the year. So far. Nothing has happened yet! I, however, prudently choose to not even start working on these babies until the year is good and over so I don't miss anything. Who knows what utter monstrosities might sneak in under the wire! I'm not procrastinating!

Todd: I'm being thorough! [beat] Okay I'll admit, I did drag my feet a little bit doing the worst list this year. 'Cause I'll be honest, I didn't really hate all that much! I mean, in fact...

Clip of Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - "Uptown Funk"

Todd (VO): ...I quite like a lot of the year! After the awful, awful year that was 2014, 2015 was a goddamn relief. I mean [clip of "Pretty Girls" by Britney Spears and...] did Iggy Azalea have a hit this year? No. See? Much better year. Can't wait to do my best list. I almost don't wanna drag myself through the dregs when pop music took such a notable uptake!

Todd: In fact it's not too late to skip this list, is it? Can we go right to the best...ah, nah, you'd probably kill me. Alright, let's do this. We're counting down...
 * Clip of Big Sean ft. E-40 - "I Don't Fuck With You", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
 * Big Sean: I don't fuck with you

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2015!


 * Big Sean: ...you
 * You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you

#10
Todd (VO): #10.

Todd: I don't know how to say this, but um...I'm too old for this shit.

#10. T-Wayne - "Nasty Freestyle"


 * T-Wayne: First let me hop out the motherfucking Porsche.
 * Don't want it if that ass don't sit like a horse.

Todd (VO): Look. I'm in my 30's. In pop music terms, I'm ready for the nursing home. I'm just sitting at home listening to all my old LPs on my hi-fi while the whippersnappers listen to their tween core on Snapgram or whatever the hell.

Todd: So let me be clear that while I do hate that this song got big, I hate how it got big even more.

Todd (VO): Let me explain. This is T-Wayne, who is currently tied with [album cover of Tha Carter VI by...] Young Thug for "World's Most Generic Rap Name." I've never heard of him, and had I not had to do this list, I literally would have never heard this song. I don't know that anyone really has heard this song! It didn't seem to get any radio play or sell any records. It got famous the same way that...

Todd: ..."Harlem Shake" did. It was a soundtrack for a...

Todd (VO): [Clip of a "Harlem Shake" video] ...stupid meme! Except that "Harlem Shake" at least was tied to something weird enough that I get why it went viral. [Clip montage of various Vines using "Nasty Freestyle."] This got big off a meme not funny enough to mention that spread entirely through Vines, which you might recall are six seconds long! Most people who have heard this song only know the first couple lines! This is without exaggeration the stupidest way anyone has ever gotten a hit song! The idea that someone got famous off of Vines...

Todd: ...infuriates me! And I'm famous on YouTube!


 * T-Wayne: Toilet seat ass nigga, man I swear you getting peed on.

Todd (VO): And this is very clear that there is absolutely no way this song would get big on the merits of it being an actual song, cause it isn't. And it's basically just a demo. There's no chorus, it's just...him rapping about how great he is which he is demonstrably not.


 * T-Wayne: Got a tiger as a pet, I just took him to the vet.

Todd: Turns out my tiger has lymphoma. It's very sad.


 * T-Wayne: I just took him to the vet.

Todd (VO): And what's with the vocals dying at the end of that line? Usually you do that for a curse word or on the word "down" so you can drop the beat, not just at the end of a random sentence.

Todd: Kinda just sounds like the DJ wants you to stop, I certainly do!


 * T-Wayne: Been about the money I ain't worried 'bout the fame
 * I'm 'bout to have everybody saying "Who is Ricky Wayne?"

Todd (VO): Don't mistake confusion for interest, you nobody!

Todd: Vines... This is not the future I was promised!


 * T-Wayne: I'm the king of this shit. Crown by the toilet.
 * That me.

Interlude

#9
Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: Look, I put a country song on here, and it is not bro-country.


 * Clip of Sam Hunt - "House Party"

Sam Hunt: We'll have a house party...

Todd (VO): It's not that bro-country has magically gone away or gotten better, I've just become numb to it, it's the same song over and over again. I feel kinda bad about that, I really should include at least one because it's such a plague over the entire genre.

Todd: And instead the song I picked is uh...sung by women.

#9. Little Big Town - "Girl Crush"


 * Karen Fairchild: I've got a girl crush.
 * Hate to admit it but...

Todd (VO): I heard about the controversy of this song long before I ever actually listened to it. [Picture of article with headline "Why stations are pulling Little Big Town's 'Girl Crush' -- and what that says about country radio] Country song about lesbians, huh? Well, that's gutsy, I'm impressed.

Todd: Can't wait to hear it.


 * Karen: I got a girl crush.

Todd (VO): This is...weirdly somber for a song about lesbian curiosity.


 * Little Big Town: I wanna taste her lips
 * Yeah, cause they taste like you

Todd (VO): What?!

Todd: Oh you gotta be shitting me.


 * Little Big Town: I want her long blonde hair
 * I want her magic touch
 * Yeah cause maybe then
 * You'd want me just as much

Todd (VO): I didn't think they could make a song about girl-on-girl that was more horseshit than [Single cover for Katy Perry's...] "I Kissed a Girl," but Little Big Town pulled it off. "I wanna kiss a girl, because I'm so into a guy."

Todd: What the hell is this?


 * Karen: The way that she's pulling you in

Todd (VO): The more I hear this song, the more it makes my skin crawl. It promises one thing then pusses out because it doesn't wanna be actually edgy. But of course even that much was too edgy for some. But even without the copout, "tee-hee just kidding, no homo," I have absolutely no idea what purpose this serves. I'd call it just a tease, but it's too mopey to be hot; I'd call it a song about sexual confusion except it focuses so much on the bait and switch; I'd call it a joke song except it's so serious. Whatever it is, it's complete and thorough bullshit!


 * Karen: I got a girl crush

Todd (VO): "Girl crush," are you serious? That's like finding out at the end of Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" that it was made out of tofu!

Todd: Look, like boys, like girls, whatever. Just don't lie to me!


 * Karen: ...it ain't slowing down

Interlude

#8
Todd (VO): #8.


 * Clip of Nicki Minaj - "Stupid Hoe"
 * Nicki: You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
 * You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe

Todd (VO): [Nervous laugh]...Yeah, look at [adds picture of...] that dislike bar. Whoa.

Todd: [Shrugging] I never minded this song!


 * Clip of "Va Va Voom"

Todd (VO): See, these are the songs by Nicki Minaj I disliked, the pop stuff! The sell-out stuff! I've never hated the Nicki songs that people tell me to hate. [Back to...] "Stupid Hoe"? Didn't hate it. [Then to...] "Anaconda"? I...I like that song more and more! When she's doing her pure hip hop shtick, I think she's, you know, normally, she's untouchable! So it really, really pains me to say that I finally, finally managed to find a Nicki Minaj rap song...

Todd: ...that I couldn't justify even the tiniest bit.

#8. Nicki Minaj ft. Drake, Lil Wayne, and Chris Brown - "Only"


 * Chris Brown: Nothing but real niggas only
 * Bad bitches only
 * Rich niggas only

Todd (VO): To be fair, this is more of a Young Money group joint, so there's plenty of blame to go around. I usually thought Nicki was good enough to not let Young Money drag her down with them. [Clip of...] I didn't even think her verse on "Bedrock" was that bad!


 * Nicki: And I just be coming off on top: asbestos

Todd (VO): ...okay, maybe it is, but...

Todd: ...this is so much worse!


 * Nicki: Hoes couldn't test me even if they name was Pop Quiz

Todd (VO): I mean, first off, the beat is absolutely terrible. And the hook is sung by Chris Brown, which, you know, this is all you need to know there. I keep trying to wash my hands of Chris Brown and he just keeps showing back up like a, like a herpes virus.

Todd: And it starts off so well!


 * Nicki: I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake
 * All my life, man, fuck's sake

Todd: That's right, you sexes! What kind of girl do you think she is?


 * Nicki: If I did, I'd menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake


 * Todd: [Raising his arms in confusion] Or or...not? [Shrugs]


 * Nicki: I don't duck nobody but tape
 * Yeah. That was a setup, for a punchline on duct tape

[Cricket noises, Todd sighs]

Todd (VO): You know, normally you shouldn't have to clarify things like that, but...yeah, it's a good thing she did, because I, I wouldn't have realized that was supposed to be a punchline otherwise! I mean, I know we all love a good duct tape joke, but that one wasn't really a knee slapper.


 * Nicki: Dinner with my man in a G5's my idea of a update

Todd (VO): And that was the good rapper! It's only downhill from here!


 * Drake: I never fucked Nicki 'cause she got a man
 * But when that's over then I'm first in line

Todd: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Drake.


 * Drake: You know L.A. traffic, how the city slow
 * She was sitting down on that big butt
 * But I was still staring at the titties though

Todd (VO): Oh my god, Drake! And you wonder why your ex doesn't call you on your cell phone anymore?

Todd: Shut up. Shut up!

Todd (VO): Oh and let's not forget [Picture of...] genetically modified Gila monster Lil Wayne.


 * Lil Wayne: I never fucked Nicki, that's fucked up
 * If I did fuck, she'd be fucked up
 * Whoever is hitting ain't hitting it right
 * 'Cause she act like she need dick in her life

Todd: Oh my god, Nicki, why do you put up with this idiot? Shouldn't he be off...


 * [Clip from Star Trek...]

Todd (VO): ...fighting Captain Kirk or something? What do you even get out of being associated with Young Money anymore? Just cut 'em loose, Nicki, they're making you dumber!

Interlude

#7
Todd (VO): #7.


 * Clip of Selena Gomez ft. A$AP Rocky - "Good for You"
 * Selena: I just wanna look good for you
 * Good for you, uh-huh
 * I just wanna...

Todd (VO): Is anyone else creeped out by this? She still looks like she's 10. Anyway.

Todd: Look, I have no real idea why Selena Gomez even exists in pop culture.


 * Clip of "Come & Get It"

Todd (VO): I'm not sure what she offers anyone except those weird dudes that are creepily invested in watching Disney princesses become legal, which I guess is at least something to somebody. But other than that...

Todd: ...what else is there to her?

#7. Selena Gomez - "Same Old Love"
 * Selena: I'm so sick of that same old love
 * That shit, it tears me up
 * I'm so sick of that same...

Todd: Well, I'm so sick of that same old Selena Gomez song, so we're even.


 * Selena: Take away your things and go

Todd (VO): See, this is why I wait to make these lists until January, when no one cares anymore. If I hadn't, this wouldn't have made it onto the list! Of course, no one cares about this song either, so I'm probably not gonna get any credit for that. I doubt this made anyone else' list, but the first second I heard it, I totally...

Todd: ...utterly hated it.

Todd (VO): This isn't even a sexy song, so what's the point? It's not like she has much of a singing voice or a personality. I'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus, but Miley Cyrus has a vision. Miley Cyrus wants to be there. And Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, they're all good singers, and they seem to enjoy singing. But Selena Gomez seems to be a pop singer for the same reason that [poster of...] Jeb Bush is running for President.

Todd: Eh, what else am I gonna do?


 * Selena: Oh...

Todd (VO): By the way, it's worth noting that this was written by [single cover of "Break the Rules" by...] Charli XCX, a.k.a. the good Selena Gomez, which is how you know this song is gonna be bad. If it was any good, she would've sung it herself.


 * Selena: I'm so sick of that same old love
 * My body's had enough

Todd (VO): Passing this off as a song is like passing off [picture of...] a chassis as a car.

Todd: Next!

Interlude

#6
Todd (VO): #6.

#6. Meghan Trainor - "Dear Future Husband"

Interlude

#5
Todd (VO): #5.

#5. Silentó - "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)"

Interlude

#4
Todd (VO): #4.

#4. Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar - "Bad Blood"

Interlude

#3
Todd (VO): #3.

#3. Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink - "Worth It"

Interlude

#2
Todd (VO): #2.

#2. Rachel Platten - "Fight Song"

Interlude

Honorable mentions
Maroon 5 - "Sugar"


 * Adam Levine: Sugar, yes please

Todd (VO): The year that Maroon 5 redeem themselves...not 2015. And this is actually one of the more tolerable Maroon 5 songs in recent memory. I just wanted...you know, that at their best they're still goddamn terrible.

O.T. Genasis - "CoCo"


 * O.T. Genasis: I'm in love with the CoCo, CoCo

Another Vine rapper. If there are any other songs that get big off of Vine, just put them on my worst list automatically.

Justin Bieber - "Sorry"


 * Justin: Is it too late now to say sorry?

Todd (VO): Being honest, I actually don't mind this song at all. In fact I honestly kinda like it. It's just...Christ, Bieber's such a shit!


 * Justin: You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty

Todd (VO): My god, Bieber, you're such a terrible human being!

Todd: What the hell is wrong with you...

iLoveMemphis - "Hit the Quan"


 * iLoveMemphis: Hit the Quan! Hit the Quan! Hit the Quan!

Todd: No, I'm not gonna hit the Quan. The Quan never did anything to me.

Todd (VO): Literally the only reason why "Watch Me" made the list and this didn't is because this actually has lyrics.

Todd: Oh, setting low bars today, aren't we?

Shawn Mendes - "Stitches"


 * Shawn: I'm without your kisses

Todd (VO): You suck, Mendes! You suck.

Nick Jonas - "Chains"


 * Nick: You got me in chains

You got me in chains for your love

Todd (VO): Whenever I get annoyed at The Weeknd's hard, sexy R&B guy schtick, I remind myself that it can always, always be worse.

Usher ft. Juicy J - "I Don't Mind"

R. City ft. Adam Levine - "Locked Away"

Interlude

#1
Todd (VO): (ominously) #1.

#1. Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor - "Marvin Gaye"

Interlude

Closing tag song: Sia Ft. The Weeknd - "Elastic Heart" 

'THE END This video is owned by me I can't wait til we can break up outta here'