MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time XIII

(We open to MarzGurl walking from the side of her room in the dark, looking apprehensive about something. It then cuts to her computer which has The Land Before Time: The Wisdom of Friends ready to be played. She slowly walks over to the computer and starts to play it. It cuts to the title screen for the movie and clips are superimposed over MarzGurl as she watches them. During all this, Ave Satani from The Omen plays)

MarzGurl: Land Before Time XIII. Never was a direct-to-video sequel more anticipated by both its fans and its haters; and yet, no Land Before Time sequel prior to this was so different, so jarring, that even its most loyal fanbase found themselves despising it.

(Screenshots of the following IMDb reviews are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): The critiques on IMDb say more than enough: "As a devoted fan of the franchise, I found this latest entry to be a lightweight.", "Having enjoyed most of the sequels, I was greatly disappointed in this sequel and consider it the worst of the franchise; overall, disappointing and almost unwatchable for me".

(A screenshot of The Land Before Time wikia is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): The fan edited Land Before Time wikia page states that "this film is widely regarded by fans as the worst film in the series".

(An Amazon.com review of the movie is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): A parent on Amazon.com comments, "This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and sorely regret buying it for my daughter".

MarzGurl: Oh...my God! I mean, several of the movies were bad...really, REALLY bad, but when even fans and parents start complaining about just how bad this movie is, well, how can you argue with that?! All right, let's get this out of the way. Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends.

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): This movie starts with Littlefoot nearly killing his grandma. Great opening! He tries to eat a leaf off a log that he shouldn't, and in the process of Grandma trying to save him from falling off a cliff, she ends up falling in herself. Oh yeah, I bet you could climb back up that shear rock wall, I'm sure.

Grandma Longneck: Shhh, it's alright.

Littlefoot: (screams)

Grandma Longneck: (yelps and screams falling down cliff)

MarzGurl (vo): OH MY GOD!

(Littlefoot wakes up from this nightmare gasping in fear)

MarzGurl( vo): Oh, he's just dreaming about screwing up now. Yeah, being an irresponsible kid will do that, but Grandma's fine, and she starts teaching Littlefoot the Wisdoms; yeah, not just wisdoms, but the Wisdoms.

Grandma Longneck: Those are the ways of doing things which help us stay safe when the unexpected happens. Stay in a group. I stayed near you, so I was able to help when you got into trouble.

MarzGurl (vo): Littlefoot getting told about Wisdoms makes him the most annoying he's ever been over the course of the series. Did you ever have that friend growing up who's a real buzzkill about things because he was always saying,"my mom always says we shouldn't do this, that, or the other thing!"? Well, that's Littlefoot here, and it's nice that he's trying to keep his friends safe and all, but even when they're doing relatively harmless stuff, he's always up in their face about following the Wisdoms; his friends even essentially tell him in song how annoying it is.

Petrie: (singing) If me want to go play, on a drippily day, and me mother say me can't go / When me ask her why, she look me in the eye and say, "Because me say so".

MarzGurl (vo): His knowledge of the Wisdoms also somewhat gives him a "better than the rest of his friends" sort of attitude throughout the remainder of the movie, as you'll soon see. But first, let me introduce you to the characters that really, really, REALLY ruin the entirety of the movie: introducing Loofah, Doofah, and Foobie. There's a certain politically incorrect term I would love to use for them, and not even in a particularly cruel sort of way, but because I literally believe that they fall into a particular category, so I'll just say...their brains not do so good.

Littlefoot: How long has it been since you ate?

Loofah: Must have been, uh, let's see...right before you guys showed up.

MarzGurl (vo): And yeah, Loofah is Cuba Gooding, Jr. Why? Didn't he have something else to be doing in 2007?

(The poster for Daddy Day Camp is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): Nope, nothing else of value here.

(Clips from the movie are shown again)

MarzGurl (vo): These dinosaurs are supposed to be a race called...

(The word Beipiaosaurus is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): ...Bei-pia...oh, whatever...

(An illustration of the Beipiaosaurus is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): ...this thing!

(More clips are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): And I mean, honestly, where is even the resemblance? Universal, why don't you just admit that you made up a fantasy dinosaur race instead of trying to look for a dinosaur that has next to no similarities to what you drew and claiming that's what it is? Now, I have to make a confession, as dumbed down as the series became over the course of the last eleven movies, what with the simplified animation style, CGI, addition of songs, softened storylines and so on, all of those movies are mature in comparison to this one since the introduction of these Yellow Bellies, as they call them in this movie. There's so much stupid happening, that I don't think I can fit it all into this discussion.

Loofah: The place where we're headed for has berries, too, and it's a valley just like this one! Huh, I wish I could remember what it's called.

Doofah: Is it Doofah? Oh! (giggles) No, that's my name, hmm-mmm!

(Doofah eats a bouquet of flowers, but then starts to choke on them)

Loofah: Uh oh, hang on! I gotcha, I gotcha!

(Doofah yelps like a dog while Loofah picks her up and swings and bounces her around until she eventually coughs up petals)

MarzGurl (vo): Now, I'm going to spoil something for all of you: there's a wise one among the Yellow Bellies, and the whole movie, you'd think they're going to go find this wise one, but no, the whole time, the wise one is Foobie. Yeah, the dumb, mute one is the wise one of all the Yellow Bellies. Right, and that secretly makes Spike the wisest of the five friends. Anyway, they're looking for some place called Berry Valley and they take off on their own to find it, good riddance, right? No, Littlefoot, as always, has to go play main character and insists on teaching them the Wisdoms so they can make it to their meeting spot in the Mysterious Beyond safely. As you can see, now that his grandparents have taught him these Wisdoms, Littlefoot has instantly become the most know-it-all character in the movie. None of the rest of his friends care what happens to these strangers; in fact, they're smart enough to tell Littlefoot that he's breaking Wisdoms, too by leaving the Great Valley and going places that might keep him from getting back before dark! But no, ignoring some Wisdoms are more important to Littlefoot, so that he can share Wisdoms. But it doesn't matter, the Yellow Bellies are too stupid to recognize when a Wisdom is told to them or to even remember it for more than thirty seconds.

Littlefoot: I'm gonna tell them to you and then you just repeat after me: Stay in a group.

(The Yellow Bellies wander away from each other in different directions)

MarzGurl (vo): So what's the point of this movie, anyway? Wisdoms are getting ignored and the characters they're trying to teach them to aren't receptive of them, this is so pointless! Anyway, wouldn't you guess it, they all get stuck outside the Great Valley, so now it's up to the kids to lead these three to their meeting spot where they're supposed to find a whole herd of Yellow Bellies, and together, walk to Berry Valley, so Littlefoot suggests they take them at least up to their herd. Also, wouldn't you know it, there are Sharptooth enemies, and again, wouldn't you know it, they're beaten by pushing rocks on their heads. Excitement is over for now! They eventually lead them all the way to their meeting spot where the whole herd of Yellow Bellies is hiding with their heads in the ground. Let me just ask...

(The illustration of the Beipiaosaurus is shown again)

MarzGurl (vo): ...does this thing look like it would bury its head in the sand to hide from its enemies? I mean, I'm just curious. Anyway, show's over, Littlefoot and the gang successfully brought the idiots to their herd and now they're no longer their problem and can just go straight home, right? Well, no, we're only halfway done with the movie, what more can we possibly do?

Littlefoot: I just don't think they stand a chance. I'm going with them.

MarzGurl (vo): Ah, no, Littlefoot, don't go thinking you're so much smarter than an entire herd! Obviously, these dinosaurs survived just fine before you came along, so what makes you think that they need you now? Song and dance, go!

Yellow Bellies: (singing) C'mon, c'mon and dance, c'mon and shout hooray! / C'mon, be a Yellow Belly! / C'mon (19x) C'mon and dance! / C'mon, c'mon and dance!

MarzGurl (vo): Littlefoot tells them all to stay in a group, which is difficult because the whole time, it's similar to herding cattle, but no worries, Littlefoot's got it all under control.

Cera: You have any idea where you're going?

Littlefoot: (Hesitantly) Sort of. See, I've never heard of Berry Valley before, so it's gonna be some place I've never been, right?

Marzgurl (vo): Good Lord, it's the blind leading the blind! Along the way, they find a single group of berry bushes; The Yellow Bellies mistake this for Berry Valley. This almost exactly replicates...

(A clip from the first Land Before Time is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): ...a scene straight out of movie number one, where the group finds a small pod of trees growing treestars...

(Back to clips from The Land Before Time: The Wisdom of Friends)

MarzGurl (vo): ...and they mistake that for the Great Valley. But in both of these instances, the food is eaten in a flash before their eyes and is proven not to be the valley they're looking for. Way to be original, movie, good job. And it's finally around this time that Littlefoot realizes he can't rely entirely on Wisdoms.

Littlefoot: (singing) Sometimes you think you know what's right, then somebody comes along / And they show you what you thought was right, might be a little bit wrong.

MarzGurl (vo): Then what was even the point of making learning how to be safe such a big deal in the first place?! So they keep marching on and it starts to rain. Littlefoot seeks shelter, but in the process, Doofah takes off somewhere on her own. Well, it was bound to happen, eventually. They find her on a ledge all on her own and she seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that she's in terrible peril, but she survives, unfortunately. Oh, did I mention those Sharptooths from earlier aren't actually dead, because they aren't. They try to shove some Wisdoms in here.

Cera: Like my dad always says, bump 'em with your horn!

Petrie: And keep eyes and ears open!

MarzGurl (vo): But in personal opinion, it kind of fails because they're already in a hazardous situation; all the Wisdoms they were given were to keep them out of danger to begin with. As nice as it is to try and throw in some morals in the end there during a supposedly perilous moment, there's sometimes when it just feels crow barred in, like now. And then the Yellow Bellies save the day with stupid. All right, carry on. Oh, so this is where it's revealed that Foobie was the wise one, I mean, get it? He spits on Loofah's cheek, which reminded him that Berry Valley was even called Berry Valley, he pointed to a funny shaped rock that indicated that's where their meeting spot was supposed to be, and he sniffed out berries when they were right next to Berry Valley. I mean, call me crazy, but calling him wise still seems like a bit of a stretch to me. Well, now that the Yellow Bellies are at Berry Valley, the five kids can go back in the direction of home, where they meet up with their family members who were surprisingly actually out looking for them, and together they walk home.

That's it, I think I have a pretty good understanding why even fans aren't so much fans of this one: The tone is so surprisingly different, I can't even believe it. Littlefoot ends up getting the kids into more trouble than they need to be in, even when all the rest of the kids don't want to participate. None of this was their problem and the Yellow Bellies never even asked for help to begin with, and for a movie being all about Wisdoms, it seems like Wisdoms were mostly ignored.

(Clips from the previous sequels and the original film are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): The entire movie series past the first movie was so ridiculously dumbed down, that it's insulting to fans of the first movie, which had scenes that could make even a mature adult start to water at the eyes. There's nothing about any of the following movies that even comes close to the emotional work that Don Bluth, Steven Spielburg, and George Lucas put into the original creation, least of which is The Land Before Time XIII. While the original Land Before Time movie is held in high regard by fans, adults, and children alike, as well as movie and animation buffs, I can only hope that the other twelve* movies get completely left in history's dust.

* NOTE: There's now thirteen sequels with The Land Before Time: Journey of the Brave

MarzGurl: (sighs) Well, now this hour and something change of stupidity is out the door, over and done! All right, now that we have this beast of a movie out of the way, let's see what the next movie has in store for us, huh? (She looks through her notebook and realizes...) Wait...wait a minute, this can't be right...according to my notes here, there are no further movies to evaluate. Oh...wow, it's true, there are no movies left! After movie number thirteen, it's over, it's all over, do you know what this means?! I'm free, I'm absolutely free! (Laughs hysterically) WOOOO!!!

(The orchestral suite from the original Land Before Time movie plays while MarzGurl comes out of her apartment, cheering. We then see her driving to a park, where she proceeds to run through a field and bask in the sun. We then see her running towards a path along the ocean, looking outward triumphantly. She cheers once again and starts to calm down, walking along the path, but suddenly, the music changes to Big Water from The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island as she starts to think about something) 

MarzGurl: Wait a minute...something's not right!

(She starts to run back)

MarzGurl: Something's wrong, something's amiss!

(She makes it back to her car and gets in)

MarzGurl: No, it's over! I covered all of it, I did!

(She is shown running back to her apartment)

MarzGurl: I have to solve this mystery! What could I have possibly forgotten?!

(She enters her apartment and gets back onto her computer while Ave Satani plays again. Clips from the TV series are superimposed over MarzGurl's face as she shakes her head and mourns in despair. It then fades to her looking despondent)

MarzGurl: There is a Land Before Time TV series...as well as a series of video games, too?! Damn you, NBC/Universal, you haven't seen the last of me! I'll cover all of your Land Before Time titles if it's the last thing I ever do!

(The credits are shown while Ave Satani once again plays)