The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
''NC sits in his room, speechless. After a pause he begins without his opening line''

NC: (quietly) I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to Earth, and lives in the realms of a real world. (Another short pause, then inhales deeply and speaks in a much firmer tone) UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue-tainted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails. (Relaxes, and speaks in a normal tone) This, is the gateway to madness, that the world of children's programming has chosen to call, the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Cut to the title screen, followed by a montage of clips from the show played to the opening theme music

NC: Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who was not only criminally insane, but was also drunk, high and had a whole-frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain.

Cut back to the NC's room

NC: (loudly and affirmingly) He would be normal compared to the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. So, what's wrong with this show? What's right with this show!? That's the shorter answer!

Cut to another montage of clips with the theme music

NC: It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is, it is that crazy.

Cut back to NC's room

NC: So, rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it. The key word being "try".

Cut to the beginning of the show's opening sequence

NC: So here's the opening of the show, which I suppose is supposed to sum up what the show is about.

''Flows into a fast-paced edit of the opening sequence showing all the times Sonic or his name appears in it. When he or his name appears on-screen, NC responds.''

NC: (mock-excitedly) Look, it's Sonic! Sonic! We got a lot of Sonic! Hello, Sonic! Sonic! Hey, lots of Sonic lots of Sonic! Hey Sonic! Sonic! C'mon n'g of Sonic, Sonic.

Cut back to NC's room

NC: (sarcastically) Well, that explained everything.

Cut to a montage of clips featuring Sonic running, Sonic running alongside Tails flying, a robot bounty hunter ripping the wall off a house, a panoramic scroll of inside Robotnik's fortress, a chili-dog stand robot rising on a metal pole and a street full of crooked buildings

NC: So the story takes place in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land. I call it that because clearly you look at the backgrounds, knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted "really, who gives a shit?"

Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails stopping atop a small hill to look at a small collection of buildings in the distance

Sonic: Civilisation!

Tails: Boy, I thought we'd never find it.

Cut back to NC's room

NC: Civilisation? Where? What, you mean those couple of (cut back to the view of the city) building blocks in the distance? That's supposed to be a city? (cut back to NC's room) Oh yeah, one of the great architectural designs of cinema. (cut to a view of Gotham City from Batman (1989)) Gotham City, (cut to a view of the Castle of Gondor from Lord of the Rings) the Castle of Gondor, (cut back to AoStH's city) shitty-ass bricks. (cut back to NC's room) I can't wait to see more!

Cut to another montage of clips from the show featuring Sonic speeding into the distance, Sonic knocking over some robots, Sonic and Tails running away from a pack of robots, a pack of robots interacting and then running to the left and Scratch and Grounder performing a ring-around-the-rosie victory dance whilst cheering "we did it, we did it"

NC: Now I know what you might be thinking. "Are you just showing the opening of the show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon for kids that have Tourette's syndrome.

Cut to a zoom-in of Sonic talking to Tails.

NC: So the show stars Sonic, duh, fresh (cut to the title screen of the video game Sonic the Hedgehog) from it hit video game off the SEGA Genesis. (cut to several clips of Sonic talking to Tails) He's voiced by none other than Jaleel White. That's right, (cut to a picture of White as Urkel) Urkel from Family Matters.

Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails taunting towards the camera

Sonic: (tauntingly) I seeeee yooooou!

Cut back to NC's room

NC: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, 'cause Urkel's voice was such a delight to listen to, wasn't it?

Cut to an edited clip of Sonic confronting Scratch and Grounder, with Sonic's lines being dubbed over by Urkel's voice

Urkel: All I care about in this park is the safety of the kids! I shall be forced to verbally castigate you in front of your peers!

Cut to clips of Sonic interacting with Tails

NC: He's accompanied by his sidekick Tails, a little fox who can fly around because he was born with two tails.

Cut back to NC's room

NC: (slowly, confused) Makes sense to me.

Cut to clips of Robotnik

NC: They're out to stop the evil Robotnik, who seems to live in a house (cut to an exterior shot of Robotnik's fortress) designed by Frank Lloyd Ralph. (cut to a clip of Robotnik) His evil plan it to, you guessed it, take over the world.

Cut back to NC's room, where he looks bored

NC: (dismissevly) No, i'm not going to do it. I'm sick of the joke. Y'know, it was funny at first, but now it's just getting annoying. So you are never going to hear that joke ag- (suddenly the Bison "Of course" clip tries to push it's way in from the left, but NC pushes it aside. The clip then tries to push itself in from the bottom, but NC pushes it away with difficulty) Hehehe, it's going to take more than that to stop - (the clip drops down from the top and lands on NC, and then plays)

Bison: OF COURSE!

NC: (offscreen, muffled) Fucking joke.

Cut to clips of Robotnik

NC: So Robotnik isn't really as much a dictator as much as a comic foil for Sonic to make fun of. But when do you expect when you dress like Santa Claus' sadomasochistic gimp brother?

Clip of Robotnik pacing on a stage

Robotnik: One trouble-making teenager has made me tear every hair from (indicates his head) my beautiful head!

''Robotnik presses a botton on a remote control and curtains part to reveal a picture of Sonic to the booing crowd. ''

NC:(as Robotnik bares his teeth at the camera revealing the word "HATE" before they crack and shatter to pieces) Wow, he hates him so much that he actually tatooed the word "HATE" right on his very teeth.

Cut back to NC's room

NC: (impressed) That's a lot of hate.

Cut to clips of Robotnik and his army of robots

NC: He tries to stop him by building robots designed to kill and destroy. (panoramic scroll of the robot army) These machines are so lame I'd doubt they'd make it (cut to the stage select screen of Mega Man 3) as half-baked Mega Man villains. (Suddenly the level intro begins with one of Robotnik's robots jumping into the centre, with the name "Do You Even Care?" appearing below it)