The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, then cold-open on a shot of a building, before cutting to inside, where a man played by Malcolm is sitting at a desk; "The Blue Danube" plays in the background)

Voice on phone (Rob): (with every "s" sound pronounced "sh") Sam, Sam, I know you're bummed I took the Highlander 2 role.

Sam: Mr. Connery, you're one of the biggest stars in the world. You can make a few mistakes every once in a while. Your friend Michael Crichton already sent me a bounce-back script; it's called Jurassic Park. You're the guy who owns the park.

Sean: That sounds too small. I want a ridiculous amount of money for it.

Sam: Well, Sean, if you're not willing to take a slightly smaller role, you may want to consider retiring.

Sean: Bullshite! I'm as snappy as my leotard in Zardoz! If the people want giant lizards, I got a role for them: a giant flying one in Dragonheart.

Sam: I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.

Sean: Sam, Sam, you're a good boy and I don't like you, but you're a dumbass. Sign me up for Dragonheart! (Sam shrugs)

(A caption is shown: "Several Years Later...". Cut back to Sam in his office, looking displeased and holding a Dragonheart DVD)

Sean: Sam. Sam. That might not have been the best choice.

Sam: Oh, you know when you're...

Sean: Shut up. I have a role that's foolproof enough: The Avengers.

Sam: Eh, that's perfect. I hear Marvel has some major plans for movies...

Sean: Not that comic book crap! The 60s TV show no kid knows about!

Sam: I don't know, Sean. I got a script here called The Matrix. You play a mentor named Morpheus that's supposed to be really cutting edge.

Sean: Morpheus. That's what I named my leotard in Zardoz!

Sham: Must you always reference that?

Sean: Yes. Please don't let me do this crap. (Sam throws his hands in disappointment) Sign me up for The Aven-

(A caption "Several Years Later..." is shown again. Sam is staring at The Avengers DVD)

Sean: Sam, Sam. Sam. Sam, Sam. Sam. Sam.

Sam: (sighing) Yes?

Sean: Avengers didn't work out.

Sam: I kind of figured.

Sean: But this one is a surefire hit! I'd bet my career on it! It's called "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"!

Sam: (puts the DVD away) Okay. Look, Sean, I'll level with you. (takes a binder) I have a script here for Lord of the Rings, one of the most famous books ever written. You're filming three movies all at the same time, something never done before in cinema. And they're offering you a role of Gandalf. You have to be an idiot, nay, absolutely insane to turn down a surefire blockbuster series like this.

Sean: (after a beat) Sign me up for The League of Extraordinary-

(Sam puts his hands to his temples in frustration. After another "Several Years Later..." caption, Sam is shown with his head laying on the table while The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 's Blu-ray stands close to the camera)

Sean: I think I should retire.

Sam: I think you're an idiot.

(Cue the intro...before abruptly cutting back to Sam)

Sean: Did you keep the same haircut all these years?

(Sam touches his hair in confusion. The full intro plays out before fading to NC at his desk)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (A picture of people cheering is shown) Some people have a winning streak. (A picture of a man running in the football field naked) Others have a naked streak. Sean Connery has both. (A picture of Sean Connery as Zardoz is shown)

NC (vo): After years of being one of the most charismatic and attractive actors of all time, something finally started to crumble when he turned down several blockbuster hits and instead shows awkward avenues of awfulty. But the one so famously bad that he left acting shortly after is an angry abomination of assness...

NC: I like "a" words today. ...Called "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"!

(The film's title is shown, before going to clips)

NC (vo): Based on the comic by Alan Moore, the guy who did Watchmen, directed by Stephen Norrington, the guy who directed Blade, and starring the guy who inspired the greatest celebrity Jeopardy! episodes ever made, (A still from the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Sean Connery, played by Darrell Hammond, at Jeopardy!, hosted by Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell), is shown) how can this not be friggin' amazing? Well, it found a way, and folks have been regretting this extraordinary dumbhood for 15 years. Has it warranted all the hate it deserves? Well, if Connery decided he had one more film in him after this, (A scene from The Avengers with Sean Connery dressed in a bear costume and surrounded by several other ones, is shown) I guess it can't be that bad, can it?

NC (vo): Let's find out for ourselves. This is The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

(The opening 20th Century Fox logo fades into a dark sign on the London skyline at night)

NC (vo): Whoa, I guess that Disney merger didn't go as well as expected.

NC: (adjusts glasses) They can survive Cleopatra, but not the Mouse.

(The camera goes down a building, and we see a crawl text "1899. The Great Nations of Europe share an uneasy peace. For hundreds of years, wars have been fought with the same weapons")

NC (vo): The opening crawl says...whatever opening crawl says.

NC: No, really. You can replace them all with...

(A text of the same font is added into a clean shot that NC reads)

NC (vo): "Things suck. Some asshole might make it better...but things suck."

NC: It's easier than following the Phantom Menace text.

(As the credits roll, a metal tank drives out of the Bank of England. The British policemen confront it)

NC (vo): Yeah, I'm not really paying attention to the starring credits when a goddamn tank is onscreen!

NC: This is especially frustrating, because it distracts from the police's brilliant tactical strategy.

Policeman: Halt!

NC: Well, if it didn't work once, better try it again.

Policeman: (as the tank gets closer to him) Halt!

NC: (arms akimbo) Well, I don't think you're asking polite enough, as a tank, it has to stop after you say "halt" a third time! (Beat) You're gonna say "halt" a third time, aren't you?

Policeman: Halt! In the name of the law!

NC: Yeah, you deserve this Wile E. Coyote death.

(The tank drives over the policeman, killing him. As it turns out, the tank belongs to a terrorist group that steals Leonardo da Vinci's blueprints of Venice's foundations and kidnaps German scientists. Headlines from various newspapers are shown, like "Germany's Newest Weapon" or "Not Us!" Says Germany". After that, we are shown the masked leader of the group called the Fantom (he has a beard and one eye), who is controlling the construction process in his lair)

NC (vo): Thank God newspapers were written like Tweets back then, as Germany says "Nein us!" and the culprits are rounding up every textbook mad scientist to say every textbook mad scientist cliche.

Scientist: (in German, subtitled) What do you want?

Fantom: The world. I want the world.

NC: You know, can't one of these supervillains ever answer with (the map of...) Kaua'i? It's pleasant, the weather's nice, it's really all you need. I would identify more of the villain if he said he just wanted Kaua'i!

(The Fantom shoots the atomic missle out of his rocket launcher and blows the blimp hangar up)

NC (vo): Well, I can see why they focused mostly on his eye, as the rest of him looks like a basement cosplayer who couldn't fit into his costume, so he grabbed whatever leftover scraps didn't have Cheeto dust all over him.

NC: (as the Fantom) Yeah, this is my...

NC (vo): ...dirty Destro mask, my dirty Spartan armor, my dirty Cruella De Vil coat.

NC: I am Leonidas Cruella DeDestro! Fear me!

NC (vo): With Germany now attacking and Europe threatening to go to war, we logically cut to Kenya. As in...Kenya tell me why the hell I'm supposed to give a shit?

(We are shown a liaison for the British Empire, Sanderson Reed (Tom Goodman-Hill), who is sent by the British Empire in Kenya to recruit adventurer and hunter Allan Quatermain. Reed walks into a bar)

Reed: Where's Quatermain?

NC (vo): Ryan Gosling Affleck here is looking for a man named Alan Quartermain. And tell me if for a brain-dead second you would actually believe this is him.

(Reed walks to an old sailor named Nigel. Next to him is a man reading a book)

Reed: Do I have the pleasure of addressing Allan Quatermain?

Nigel (David Hemmings): Uh, yes, you do, sir. Indeed, you do.

NC: (as Reed) Yes. That's it. And you want to know what I'm not into lying? (smiles and nods) I'm totally not into that!

NC (vo): If only we could figure out who the real Quartermain was. It could be anyone, even that Sean Connery-shaped man to the right.

Reed: The empire needs you.

(The man turns his head to Reed, revealing to be Allan Quatermain himself, played by Connery)

Quatermain: Do I need the empire? I'm Quatermain.

NC: Oh, movie! (hits the desk with hands) Got us!

(Nigel leaves)

Quatermain: Nigel is useful for keeping the story seekers at bay.

NC: Is he? He looked pretty bad at it.

NC (vo): This representative of the British government says he needs him because war is on the horizon.

Reed: Countries set at each other's throats, baying for blood. It's a powder keg. War.

Quatermain: With whom, exactly?

Reed: A world war.

NC: (as Reed) And by world, I mean mostly Europe, which is pretty much the world to us.

Reed: Stories of your exploits have thrilled English boys for decades.

NC: (grins) ...So many directions I could take that joke.

(A group of the Fantom's assassins enter the bar and kill Nigel. After this, Quatermain fights them)

NC (vo; as the assassin, channeling Mr. Hand from Dark City): Mr. Murdoch, yes? (normal) These assassins here shoot the wrong Quartermain...Christ, you could say a five-year-old girl is Quartermaine, and they'll fall for it!...And they have themselves a shootout.

(The leader of the assassins throws three knives at Quatermain, nailing him to the wall)

NC: ...For a pretty skilled knifeman and a lot of Sean Connery to hit, that was pretty embarrassing.

(Quatermain grabs the board and charges at the leader of the assassins, directing him to a rhino horn trophy on the wall)

NC (vo): Nothing like a wino impaling on a rhino.

(Quatermain kills the leader by impaling him with a horn. A British flag falls on the dead leader)

NC (vo; as Quatermain): God save yourself, you son of a bitch.

Quatermain: Good old Britannia.

(Walking out of the bar, Quatermain shoots the remaining assassin who tried to flee in the chest and expects him to reveal what happened)

NC (vo): But there's one assassin left.

(The assassin drinks the poison and falls down, dead)

NC (vo; as Quatermain): What, do I smell bad?

(To find out more about the attack on him, Quatermain travels to London)

NC (vo): Fearing the war will come to Africa, Connery agrees to help and is flown to London to meet up with the man in charge, M.

NC: (hand on cheek) No, that's not a James Bond joke, that's really what he's called.

(At a conference hall, Quatermain sees a sharp-dressed person)

M (Richard Roxburgh): My superiors call me M.

Quatermain: M?

NC (vo): Even Connery has a look that's like... (as Quatermain) Oh, dumb. I get it.

(Cut to a scene from before of Quatermain walking out of the carriage)

NC (vo): And if you think that's bad, listen to the joke that precedes it.

Reed: You made good time getting here.

Quatermain: Not as good as Phileas Fogg.

NC: And you think that's bad? hey had to spell it out for you, the dumbass audience, where it's from!

Quatermain: Around the World in 80 Days. Heh.

NC (vo): Even that laugh, it seems to say... (as Quatermain) We're making this kind of movie, ha. I should have mailed the script to the Marx Brothers.

(Back to Quatermain meeting M)

NC (vo): Connery can barely even take the title being told to his face!

M: ...newest generation of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Quatermain: League of what?

NC: (as Quatermain) No, seriously, when do we start filming the real movie?

(Quatermain examines the blueprints M gave him)

M: They've discovered these attacks are all the work of one man who calls himself the Fantom.

Quatermain: Very operatic.

NC: (off-screen, not in his chair) GOD!

(A man in Indian clothes enters the room. He is Captain Nemo, who is played by Naseeruddin Shah)

NC (vo): He's introduced to the League, first with Captain Nemo.

M: Allan Quatermain, Captain Nemo.

Quatermain: Rumor has it that you're a pirate.

NC: (as Quatermain) And white, according to most movie versions. (The posters and covers for five adaptations of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea are shown, which include the 1997 TV movie starring Michael Caine and the 1954 Disney version)

(Next are Rodney Skinner, aka The Invisible Man II (Tony Curran), and Mina Harker (Peta Wilson))

NC (vo): He's also greeted by the Invisible Man and Mina Harker. And seeing how M is played by Richard Roxburgh who plays the villain in Goddamn everything, I'm just gonna guess and say the "M" stands for "Moriarty".

(We immediately cut to the movie's climax and the villain reveal)

Quatermain: Or would you prefer...Moriarty?

NC: Don't even go ahead. You know they're lame enough to do it!

(The League walk out of the bulding and see a person standing in front of a long, white automobile)

Quatermain: What in God's name is that?

Nemo: I call it an...automobile.

NC: Okay, this isn't Dora the Explorer. You can say new words at a regular pace.

Nemo: Automobile.

NC: (as Nemo) Or...caaaaaaarrrr.

Nemo: (points to the man) This is my first mate.

Ishmael (Terry O'Neill): Call me Ishmael.

NC: (off-screen, out of chair again) JESUS CHRIST!

(As we are shown the London docks, a green arrow points to a poster with Alan Moore, Kevin O'Neill, Ben Dimagmaliw and Bill Oakley's names on it)

NC (vo): Hey, look. The makers of this comic were so embarrassed to be in it, tthey just sent their names. In fact, wait. (The Fantom is shown next to a photo of Alan Moore) Alan Moore isn't playing the villain?

NC: I think that's the biggest twist so far!

(Quatermain knocks on the door, and it is opened by a young man)

NC (vo; as Quatermain): What dumbass book are you from?

Quatermain: (inadvertently facing the camera) Mr. Dorian Gray?

NC: Well, we'd ask the same question.

(The League enter Gray's house. A wall in the hall is completely covered with woman portraits, except for one spot)

Quatermain: You're missing a picture, Mr. Gray.

Dorian (Stuart Townsend): You don't miss a thing, do you?

Quatermain: Well, sometimes.

NC (vo; as Quatermain): Good scripts, for example. I miss those a lot.

(Dorian tells the League that he was once Mina's lover)

NC (vo): So we go from one big building where we're sitting around talking to another big building where we're sitting around talking.

NC: (shakes fists unenthusiastically) Squee.

Nemo: We, all of us, have traits useful in this endeavor. (motions towards Quatermain and Mina) A hunter, scientist, even Skinner has stealth.

Skinner: (having finished a drink; it is shown going down his throat) Cheers.

NC: Oh, look.

NC (vo): We can see a drink go down his throat.

NC: (throws hands) Shouldn't we see all the food drink he's ever had then? Like, over the days or weeks, whatever? And...shouldn't we techinically be seeing it turn into... (gets disgusted) Why are you making me think this, movie?!?

(The Fantom appears in the room with his assassins)

NC (vo): But Ivan the Bland shows up to try and take out our heroes.

Fantom: I give to you all a special one-time invitation. (grins) Join me.

NC: You know the mask is supposed to cover the ugly part, right?

(Quatermain notices a person with a gun whose mouth is covered winking at him. The person opens fire on an assassin, and another fight begins)

NC (vo): Connery gets a wink rom someone who's on his side, though, and another shootout commences.

(Quatermain pushes the wheeled ladder, and it moves around the bookshelves, hitting the assassins)

NC (vo; as all the assassins): Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Henry, did you survive the ladder? I will never be the same after that ladder! (Nemo sword-fights the assassins) Oh, my God, this guy has a sword! And all we have are machine guns! (Dorian soon joins the League in fighting) And that's nothing compared to this guy's cane!

NC: You know the stormtroopers defeated by the Ewoks are probably looking at these guys, saying...

(A shot of three stormtroopers in a canteen from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is shown)

NC (vo; as a stormtrooper): You know what? We did good.

(An assassins shoots wildly through Dorian's chest, but the wounds disappear like the sand)

Assassin: What are you?

NC: (as Dorian) I'm White Prince.

Dorian: I'm complicated.

NC: (as Dorian) Oh, that is so something White Prince would say!

(Mina bites onto another assassin's neck and drinks his blood)

NC (vo): Mina reveals her power, too, as apparently, she's a vampire.

NC: (speaks slowly) From Dracula!... I don't know, everything else is spelled out.

(A young man with a gun steps out to the League)

NC (vo): Who's this, sexy Don Quixote?

Mina: And you are?

Tom Sawyer (Shane West): Special Agent Sawyer.

NC: Oh, cool! Did you trick some kids...

NC (vo): ...to painting out the bullet holes from Dorian's suit? Where the hell did those go?

Quatermain: You're in.

(Cut to a giant, muscular red man is running around the roofs of Paris. He is Dr. Jekyll (Jason Flemyng) in his Edward Hyde form)

NC (vo): They travel to Paris to get one last recruit, Dr. Jekyll ripping off Van Helsing. (Frankenstein's monster from 2004 movie Van Helsing is shown) Or did Van Helsing rip off this?

NC: You know what? They're both shitty movies. We all lose.

(The League capture and chain Hyde and board Captain Nemo's submarine, the Nautilus, which is a giant, long sword)

NC (vo): I'll give credit that the effects on him are legitimately pretty good, and I also like that Nemo's Sword of the Ocean actually looks like a sword of the ocean. You know, (Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII is shown) cloud sword, but still sword.