The Origin of Santa Christ

the origin of Santa Christ is a video on the Awesomeing DVD. it tells of the story of the character Santa Christ.

Story
'twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems, in a place you probably saw in a fever dream, for the story you are about to be told took place in the Nyquil induced comas of old. now, you're probably wondering where Santa Christ came from. if not, I'd say... well what's wrong with you? I mean, doesn't this even strike you as remotely weird? well, don't worry. it turns out, I have an origin story as well. it may not be as interesting as say, iron man or Stephen hawking, but, what the hell, we have an old time ad reader and a couple of bucks to blow, so, here we go! on with the show!

" a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, in the not-too-distant future, on a dark and stormy night, in the matrix, well beyond the time housing gate, in a little kingdom called Egypt, there was born a very special child. his hair was white as snow, his beard as soft as sherbet, his nose was as red as a coke out of wolf on wall street, and his cheeks as rosy as a care bear's ass. when he laughed, his belly shook like a giant bowl of coconut pudding. and lo, the angels did sing on high and exclaim "for onto us, a santa Christ is born". and many of sage and shepherd imaginable offered gifts of milk and cookies. but all was not well in the kingdom of Egypt, for the pharoh had heard of his miraculous birth and grew jealous of the child's mighty beard. and so it was declared that all babies born with beards longer than the pharoh's shall be put to death by electric razors. santa Christ's mother, fearful for the child, therefore deplaced the babe in a reed basket in the banks along the nile. there she set him free to float down a path devoid of beard loving tyrants. away the reed basket went, pouring along the deltas of the nile, sailing through the tuna infested wasers of the medditeranian, past the straits of Gibraltar, and into the choppy seas of the atlantic. long did the reed basket toss and turn in the waves of the great sea, but crying santa Christ did not make, just a gentle "ho ho ho". in the middle of the atlantic, the basket was picked up in the city of atlantis. but the atlantians, fearful that they'd anger their god, threw the basket back into the water. this in turn angered their god, and the city was flooded. after 40 days and 40 nights, the basket eventually washed up on the snowy sheets of the north pole. there, the baby was found by coca cola drinking polar bears who took pity on him and taught him the ways of the bear. there he learned to sled, play with penguins, ride the icebergs, and after it was all done, share a refreshing ice cold coca cola with his fellow cubs. but this wasn't to last. for his father, paw kent, kicked the coke bottle after succumbing to adult on set diabetes from drinking too much coke. santa Christ was despondent. "all my sugary powers, and I couldn't save him." "do not cry," said his mother, "for you are not of this world" "what do you mean?" "you're not a bear" "what about my white hair?" "that's a beard" "and my love of coke?" "sugar addiction" "and my fur?" "that's actually uncle frank's skin. he tried to eat you when you first arrived, cause he's a bear. and we sometimes eat our young. cause we're bears" " so, that burger meat you're been feeding me..." "enough questions. here, we found this in your basket, it's a glowing peppermint rod. we figured when the time was right, you'd know what to do with it" " and so I do", santa Christ said, but after moths of beating on the thing, he realized he had no idea what to do with it. so he tossed it into the frozen waste. and lo, a mighty candy cane castle rose from the ice, a fortress of sycralose. awed by it's menty immensity, santa Christ entered. there he placed his glowing peppermint rod in the holy cup of charged hot chocolate. and then a mighty face appeared. "who are you?" "I am uh jeffhovah, the one true goldblum, yes." "and who am I?" 'you are uh my one true conception, my uh son brought into bringing joy and goodwill to uh children." "and how do I do that?" "by fuffiling your uh destiny yes" "destiny?" "a path laid before you where you fuffil a role that you are destined to repeat again and again and again." "that sound's kinda redundant" "uh trust me, you can make a great living out of it." and so jeffhovah the one true goldbulm instructed santa christ in the ways of chaos acting: rambling, ranting, talking in circles, and placing ill time laughs at innapropriate intervals, until he could disarm anybody with his confusing charm. and so, with his training complete, he was given the glowing staff of peppermint power and was sent out into the world to preach. for 3 years he traveled the globe forging alliances with powers big and small. and his love of pancakes grew. when not spreading his word he saved kittens or something, I dunno, the page is missing, have you ever actually tried reading the bible? doctor who has better continuity. but all was not well. for the dark lord satan had gotten word that there was a new player in town, and he was none too happy. but he had a plan to corrupt the children of the world: video games. disguised as a young tech savvy ceo, he traveled from company to company telling then about advanced graphics, faster proscessing and engaging gameplay. but they were all deceived for deep in the bowels of silicone valley, he forged a console of his own, and into it he poured all his hatred, malice, and wished to corrupt the world: the Phillips cdi: the master console. with this console, children would be deceived with snazzy full motion video, web browsing, new Zelda games, and online gameplay, so much so that they'd sell their souls for it. which admittedly was far cheaper than the $700 stating price. come on, that's like $1100 in today's money. one by one the children all fell to satan's way and he laughed on his throne of blood in gary Indiana. but there were some who resisted. santa Christ's dearest pet, cruddy the red horned narwhal took wind of satan's plan and flew to santa' Christ's hideout. horrified by what he heard, he mounted his sled and called upon his flying narwhals. "on Campbell, on rainy, on curly and larry, on shempy, on trumpy, and don't forget marv and harry. using secret hyperjets to aid the tired narwhals, through the castle rock they flew, round the moon of agar, round and round the moons of lybia, till at last he broke the time housing gate and crossed the rainbow bridge of ahala. there's in the myst of the aroura borealis, the narwhals pulled into the international house of pancakes in the center of the universe right next to the starbucks. there was assembled the league of extraordinary awesomeness: Abraham Lincoln, queen Elizabeth, Pikachu, sakagawea, steve Irwin, Godzilla, mother Teresa, wolverine, bill Nye the science guy, and the 1985 Chicago bears.