Van Helsing

(The Channel Awesome logo and the 2018 Nostalgia-Ween title sequence are shown)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Halloween is all about monsters.

(A montage of movie monsters is shown, depicting them in movies together (i.e., Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Dracula, etc.))

NC (vo): Different looks, different powers, different personalities, and how they interact with others. But we're realizing what's even more interesting than monsters interacting with people is monsters interacting with monsters. What if all those distinct, extremist characters came together? Would they get along? Would they fight? Or would they fall somewhere in between? This is an idea that can and has been awesomely exploited.

NC: And us sellouts at Nostalgia-Ween are no different! So, let's bring some of the craziest monsters together! Jason!

(Jason Voorhees (played by Doug) appears in front of a red curtain)

NC: The Ring Girl!

(Samara Morgan (played by Tamara) appears in front of the curtain)

NC: Jigsaw!

(Billy the Puppet appears in front of the curtain)

NC: The Invisible Man!

(The curtain is shown, with no one in front of it)

NC: Hannibal Lecter!

(Hannibal Lecter (Rob) appears in front of the curtain, holding a severed leg in one hand and a pizza slicer in the other)

Hannibal Lecter: Hello.

NC: (crossing his arms) These are some of the most iconic, yet different movie monsters that have ever been given to us, together at last!

(The crowd of movie monsters stands together in front of the curtain)

NC: And, of course, they're all bound together by one common denominator, (holds up index finger) the one element of which the majority of focus should be on... their accountant!

(The monsters hear someone clear their throat and look down to see an accountant (played by Malcolm) seated at a desk and looking into a binder)

Accountant: The IRS requires filing a tax return and each year that your income is greater than your standard deduction, plus add on one exemption if you are not...

Hannibal Lecter: All right, what's going on here?

NC: Well, he's the one thing that binds you all together.

Samara: Yeah, but he's, like, really boring.

Accountant: (still talking this whole time) ...you are probably racking up interest...

NC: Oh, what, did you think that people really just wanted to see you cool, badass monsters together?

Monsters: Yeah! Yes!

Hannibal Lecter: Pretty much.

NC: No, no, no, no, they want to see a dull guy with no personality constantly steal the spotlight.

Billy (voiced by Doug): This is bullshit.

NC: I assure you it's not.

Billy: I assure you it's bullshit.

NC: Well, I'm just copying the master of rebooted monster movies, Stephen Sommers.

(The monsters all stare briefly)

Monsters: Who?

NC: (scoffs) The brilliant mind behind G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra?

Monsters: (beat) Who?

NC: You know, the guy behind The Mummy, (the monsters groan) The Mummy Returns, (the monsters groan again) and his epic opus, Van Helsing!

(The monsters all groan louder than ever)

Hannibal Lecter: What a preposterous piece of posh!

(The title for this 2004 movie is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): A most amazing idea with some of the world's most amazing monsters is turned into a most amazing snorefest. This is because most of the time is centered around dated effects, fake action and a main character so bland, you could call him Bland. Did that analogy seem bland? WELL, IT FITS THE CHARACTER PERFECTLY! With Dracula, the Wolfman, the Frankenstein monster, Jekyll and Hyde, this should have been a kick-ass thrill ride, but instead feels like skid marks in the Scorpion King's underwear. So, what went wrong with this gritty reboot of Abbott and Costello? (The poster for Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein appears)

NC: Well, let's look in more detail. Unless our exciting main character has more thrill to give us!

Accountant: It's important to understand American Opportunity Credit. (The monsters are shown looking pretty pissed at him) This is worth up to 2500 per student for the first four...

Billy: This is bullshit.

NC: Let's take a look at Van Helsing.

(First, we're shown the Universal logo in black-and-white)

NC (vo): We open with the Universal logo...but where's the Dark Universe add-on?

(The clip from Family Guy episode "Blue Harvest" (a parody of Star Wars: A New Hope) is shown)

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Awww, too soo-

(The movie starts in 1887, keeping its black-and-white look, with a mob of villagers storming the castle of Dr. Victor Frankenstein)

NC (vo): ...as we see an angry mob so subtle and believable, you'd swear they were from the Count Chocula commercial.

Lead Villager: There he is! Hit it again!

(The mob hits the doors with the battering ram. Cut to a clip from the Count Chocula ad)

NC (vo; as Chocula): They're after my marshmallows!

(The mob breaks the doors open, as the caption "Transylvania 1887" appears)

NC (vo): They head towards the Castle Frankenstein in...Transylvania...

NC: Yeah, all those Germans who hop-skipped over to Romania.

(Meanwhile in the castle, Dr. Frankenstein (Samuel West) creates a monster with the aid of Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh))

NC (vo): ...as the doctor has brought his classic monster to life, pleasing his good friend Count Dracula, played by Richard Roxburgh, (Three posters of Mission: Impossible 2, Moulin Rouge and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen appear) who's slowly becoming the kiss of death around here.

Dracula: A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.

NC: So Roxburgh, I can't really say is a good Dracula, but...he's a lot of fun in this.

NC (vo): Honestly, this whole intro is kind of entertaining, in a "Sin City meets 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo" way.

Dracula: Your peculiar experiments have made you unwelcome in most of the civilized world. (The lightning strikes, revealing the face of a bat)

NC: (as Dracula) That was my tribute to (clip of...) Monster Squad. Trust me, there'll be a lot more references to that than the Universal movies!

NC (vo): Dracula wants the monster for himself, and it seems even Igor has betrayed the good doctor.

Victor: Igor! Help me!

(Igor shows up, coming from above)

Igor: You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring, thoughtful.

NC: And they said...

NC (vo): ...they'd never make another (shot from...) White Chicks.

Victor: (takes out a sword, to Dracula) Stay back!

Dracula: You can't kill me, Victor. (He impales himself through the sword to prove his words)

NC (vo; as Dracula): Oh, my bad. You totally can. Ow.

(Dracula kills Victor, which angers the monster. He picks up his couch and throws it at Dracula, sending him to the fireplace. The monster takes the body his creator and escapes to the top of the windmill. Dracula comes out of the fireplace, restoring his skin. The villagers set the mill ablaze)

NC (vo): The monster attacks Dracula, though, and carries the doctor to the windmill. But Emo-tep...oh, come on, you have to drop beat on that one... (Ba-dum-tss!) ...thank you...is not done yet with him, and his wives try to catch him as the villagers burn down the mill. The monster sums up the movie's existence in one word.

Frankenstein's Monster: WHYYYYYYYY?!

NC: (as a villager, smiling) Why? Because we hate you.

(The monster falls into the burning windmill as Dracula and his brides scare the villagers away)

NC (vo): All joking aside, this opening is pretty awesome. It's silly, but it's an over-the-top take on classic monster themes, and shadows, and angles, and gothic melodrama.

NC: At first, you might think this is gonna be a lot of fun.

(One year has passed, and we're shown the "Wanted" poster on the brick wall, now in color)

NC (vo): But then it goes to color.

NC: (squints) ...I think.

(We see that it's the dark streets of Paris)

NC (vo): Actually, why wasn't this whole movie shot in black-and-white? It just looks like the negative was thrown in the washer with Pinhead's clothes.

(The titular character is first shown (half of his face covered by clothing), negotiating with monsterous Mr. Hyde)

NC (vo): We're introduced to one of our main chracters, played by Kate Beckinsale... (Van Helsing reveales his face) Hugh Jackman...

(Cut to a clip from Tombstone)

Curly Bill: Prettiest man I ever saw.

NC (vo): ...who plays the title role of Van Helsing.

NC: They say he's hunting Mr. Hyde...

NC (vo): ...but I don't know. He looks like the Big Friendly Giant's testicle wart.

Van Helsing: My superiors would like for me to take you alive.

Hyde (voiced by Robbie Coltrane): Do let's. (hits Van Helsing)

NC: (imitating Shrek) Donkey!

(Van Helsing and Hyde fight at the Notre-Dame Cathedral)

NC (vo): The scene is once again fake and cheesy, but a little bit of fun, as Hyde is swung around Notre-Dame, surprisingly not making a bad Hunchback joke...guess they figured Disney would do that... (The DVD cover for The Hunchback of Notre Dame II appears) ...as he transforms back into Jekyll before hitting the ground.

(Hyde falls from great height, but then he turns back into Dr. Jekyll and is therefore killed)

Van Helsing: (speaking Latin, crosses his heart) Requiescat in pace. (Note: this means "Rest in peace")

NC: Did he say "Ridley Scott's apology"?

Van Helsing: Requiescat in pace.

(The poster for Alien: Covenant appears)

NC (vo): Let Covenant go, buddy. He's never gonna ask for forgiveness for that.

(Van Helsing rides off on his horse as thrilling music is heard)

NC (vo): That kick-ass Alan Silvestri score picks up again for... (Cut to the next morning in the Vatican City, Rome, where Van Helsing has arrived at to enter his secret lair) the Vatican, as he enters his secret headquarters. It looks like the Vatican is a giant meeting place of religious leaders who hunt down different monsters all over the world.

NC: Oh, is that why so many of the world's religions get along so well?

Cardinal Jinette: We have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. (Snaps his fingers, causing a man to activate a projector, which shows a map) And now, we need you to go to the east.

NC: (looking bewildered) Was that guy...

(That moment is shown again, with an arrow pointing to the man turning on the projectioner)

NC (vo): ...waiting for the snap like that was his entire job?

NC (vo; as Cardinal Jinette): (to Van Helsing) You are the hunter of monsters. (To the projectioner man) And you, you are the pusher of buttons. I know it's not as glamorous, but I can't do it. Wait, yes, I can. You are fired, pusher of buttons!

Cardinal Jinette: Lorded over by a certain Count Dracula.

NC (vo): He's told to hunt down Dracula by helping the princess of gypsies, Anna.

(The next slide in the projector shows Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale))

Cardinal Jinette: For more than four centuries, this family..

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): (thinking) Ooh, I have to get her shampoo.

(Van Helsing is told to go to a friar of the Holy Order named Carl, played by David Wenham, who provides him with weapons)

NC (vo): But because he's 00-slayer, he also needs cool weapons. So we get David Wenham playing a friar named... (This name appears below) Carl.

NC: Friar Carl. Isn't that like having a Saint Bob?

Carl: You've never gone after vampires before now, have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same.

NC: Oh. Well, good to know that Van Helsing doesn't know the difference between a vampire and a gargoyle!

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same.

NC: (as Van Helsing) Milk, alcohol, poison. It's all the same to give a baby.

Van Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.

Carl: Holy hell be damned that I am.

Van Helsing: You're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want...damn it.

NC: (laughs and waves off) You were Faramir. Now you're...

(The clip of Carl wearing a hat with two lenses that enlarge his eyes is shown alongside the shot of Maurice from Beauty and the Beast with the similar hat)

NC (vo): ...the embarrassing cartoon design to make everyone else look cooler.

NC: It's funny, because I'll never look like you with my shirt off. (Dilios from 300 is shown)

(We cut to Velkan, Anna's brother, played by Will Kemp, serving as a bait for the Wolf Man. This monster appears, and Anna first reveals herself, preparing to attack)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, a gypsy prince is left out for bait to catch a werewolf. When things go wrong, though, his sister, played by Kate Beckinsale...

NC: (as the poster for Underworld is shown) ...Weirdly typecast as werewolf and vampire hunters...

NC (vo): ...comes in to save him...ish.

(Velkan pushes Anna away and takes the Wolf Man's blow for himself, as they fall down a cliff)

NC: (as Anna) Well, my character's totally established now.

(Anna runs away into the forest and to the center of Transylvania. This is followed by a montage of action scenes later in the movie)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah. Don't expect a lot of backstory, personality or even interest out of this person. Much like our main lead, she's just there to do stuff and look good while doing it. The only problem is, so many people look good while doing stuff and have charming personalities, that the simple act of not smiling doesn't give you a three-dimensional character!

(During the above sentence, a collage of famous action characters is shown. Clockwise, from top left: Ellen Ripley from the Alien franchise, Lara Croft from the 2000s movies, Project Alice from Resident Evil movies, Erica Bain from The Brave One, Luz from Machete, T-800 from the Terminator movies, Ash Williams from the Evil Dead franshise, Nada from They Live, John McClane from Die Hard films and John Rambo from Rambo movies)