My Baby is Black!

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The Cinema Snob: Boy, do I need a break this week. No heavy subjects like enema rape or torture or animal cruelty or nazis or german chainsaw massacres… Let's just find something easy and non-controversial.

- - - (Clip from the "My Baby is Black!"-trailer is shown) - - -

Narrator: Nothing you've ever seen before and nothing you've ever heard before will prepare you for the shock of… "MY BABY IS BLACK!"

CS: OH, GOD DAMNIT!!!

- - - (Opening credits) - - -

CS: Hey, don't worry about me. I'm not gonna be walking on eggshells making fun of this thing. After all, the not so subtle trailer sure as hell didn't.

CS (vo): Watching this trailer you would think that this woman is giving birth to the fucking unborn. And not even the unborn, but 'The Unborn 2' – that movie was terrible! And what was the intended reaction from the audience supposed to be here? It kinda seems like it's trying to deliver William Castle-like scares – as if a rubber-baby is gonna drop out of the audiences' seats. And what is with the exclamation point? The title obviously seems to be spoken by our lead female character, so my question is; why does she seem surprised that her baby is black? Like the exclamation point in the title suggests…

CS: Maybe she's the one who wrote this question on Yahoo-answers: (reading off a piece of paper) "My boyfriend and I are white but our baby looks black. Why? Could he have cheated on me?"… That's a real question. Thanks, America! (smiling) 

CS (vo): And in case you missed the trailer, don't worry. It's also the opening scene. Way to ruin your movie's twist in the trailer AND in the opening scene!

CS: (Very dark footage is presented) It's kinda dark out here… Are you sure the baby is black, 'cause I can't really see anyone. It could just be "TNT Jackson" turning off the lights over a fight scene.

CS: (Clip of a sign portraying a nurse saying "Silence!…" / CS lowers his voice) Oooh sorry, sorry… Appearently I'm supposed to keep the birth a secret… (normal voice) Then why are you shouting in the opening title?

CS: (Reacting to a french written sign saying "Entrée Interdite") Huh? Oh no, my movie is french! Actually that works for me because there would be an endlessly supply of voiceovers, moonlighting and images of skeletons next to pretty flowers.

CS: (Clip of a doctor dressing up) Wait, why is that doctor naked? That's weird but… HEY, why is he also smoking? Yeah, go ahead – keep putting protection on him. We wouldn't want anything contaminating this delivery room, like a cigarette… (the doctor spits it out) Ah God dammit, where did he just spit that into? Slow down, movie. Jesus! You're giving me way too much to work with too fucking fast! By the way, is this a hospital or the fucking Dharma Initiative? This doesn't look like a labor scene. It looks like "The Brain that wouldn't Die 2: My Brain is Black".

CS: (Female patient under narcosis suddenly screams) Well that's really shitty gas you're using. (The black baby is born) And what was the conversation like with the actual parents of that baby?

CS (impersonating the film director): We wanna use your newborn in our movie "My Baby is Black"!

CS (impersonating the baby's mother): Ooookay, but what's with the exclamation point? FIlm director: Oh, that's our mistake. It's supposed to be a smiley face.

CS (vo): The rest of the film is showing how her baby came to be black, I guess – because I'm stupid and don't know how that possibly could've happened.

Man: Not much money…

Françoise / lead female character: Well, come on. I'll pay for our lunch today.

CS (vo): Holy shit, my movie is dubbed! And by lunch he means they're going to the school cafeteria. The first meeting of lovebirds Daniel and Françoise could been shown with dialogue but fuck that, let's use some music.

- - - (Very strange music is playing as we see Daniel and Françoise creepily smiling at each other) - - -

CS: Okay, her look says "I'm attracted to you", but his look says "I wanna eat you for breakfast".

CS (vo): Whoa, switching gears. Are we flashing back some more?

The professor (offering a black kid candy): Hello there, have a bon-bon.

CS (vo): I'm not really sure what ??? Van Patten has to do with anything, but carry on.

Woman to professor: We give them decent houses so they can live like people, not animals. Give them real houses and they'll make a pigsties out of them. Besides they're sneaky and liars.

CS: Hey, that's racist!

Woman to professor: Miserable! They should be isolated and disinfected too.

CS: Jesus, make up your mind. You wanna shelter them or do you wanna exterminate them? Well, at least nowadays that kind of inconsistency and racism can mostly just be found in the Fox Nation comments. Ooooooh…

CS (camera zooming out, revealing a dark classroom watching a film): What the fuck, is the movie going mellow on me? What the hell kind of class is showing "My Baby is Black"?

The professor (Giving a lecture in front of class): For them, the north african; the negro… (a beat) can never be anything but inferior.

CS (vo): Oops, oh boy. Did I ever walk in on the wrong part of this conversation… I don't know about this class, but I think the professor just uses it as an excuse to say racial slang in public.

The professor: Practically speaking we could equally well have used any racial minority as victims. The yellow race for example; the yellow peril.

CS: I'm not sure they like to be called that, but I can find out next time I feel like saying something racist in public.

The professor: Is any race on Earth superior? (The scene suddenly cuts away to another scene showing a city at night to the sound of car horns blasting) 

CS: Hey, why are you cutting away? I wanna know the answer to that! It's crab people, isn't it? Crab people are our most buttery race. But way to distract us from your movie's unanswered question with bright, flashy lights and paint can graffiti. I actually had to look this up on Google Translate to know that he's writing "Death to jews". Mainly because I needed context for what's about to happen next.

Random voice: What did the jews do to you, stupid?

CS (vo): What, no no! I, I was writing Jean ???'s Coca Cola Blāk. Is it possible that my french teacher fucked with me? This is gonna get ugly…

Random voice: (As man gets a gentle slap on the face with a glove) Take that!

CS: (Confused) That was only slightly less menacing than a literal slap on the hand. Don't worry, I'm sure it's gonna get uglier.

Man: There! Looking for a poke in the ribs?

CS: Oh, good work – you POKED him. I don't if you're trying to attack him or if you're trying to start up a conversation with him on Facebook. But a good, ol' ass-painting should learn him. That AND free food and a jaunty musical number.

- - - (Guitarist strumming the guitar while humming "lada…ladada") - - -

CS: Someone fuck someone, please!

Françoise: Oh, but it's so early, Paul!

Paul: Not for me. You have reason to stay up.

- - - (This scene also suddenly cuts away to another 'car-horns-blasting'-scene) - - - 

CS: Dammit, again with the awkward cutaways with sirens in the background! This movie needs to slow down or it's gonna keep getting pulled over for speeding.

CS: (Cutting away to footage of Daniel and Françoise) Oh and they're in love now… Thought I should tell you that since the movie does a shitty job setting that up. One minute they meet and then the next; yep, we're toads in love. But I can understand Daniel and Françoise not having a lot of conversation, because we need to show the all-important shaving scene.

Man speaks to Daniel: I wonder why you shave like that. You don't have anymore beard than a hens egg.

CS (Confused): What? Dammit, you can't use a comparison like that in a movie like this, because I can't tell if that's racist. You know they're in love though, because look; love-montage!… Except that they don't have the rights to use "We have all the Time in the World" unfortunately.

- - - (Scene with Daniel and Françoise playing in the park with a clip of Brian and Sarah Lewis playing in the park spliced in-between) - - -

CS: I hope this movie keeps going. I still don't know how she ends up having a black baby… (confused stare)

Françoise: Do you still love me?

CS (impersonating Daniel): Uh, what? We're dating? All we've done is stare at each other across the room and play around in the park. I just figured you thought I was a man-child.

Daniel: Whereever we may go, people will stare and point their fingers at you.

CS (vo): So let's go ahead and have dinner with your parents, Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn – it'll be hilarious. And then years later we can do a shitty remake with Ashton Kutcher.

Françoise (Commenting on the homeless): Oh, I feel ashamed for those people.

Daniel: I do too, but what can be done?

CS (vo): But enough about making social commentaries on the homeless and alcohol; let's be creepy again!

Daniel: Give me your hand. It is so very small and delicate. A lovely hand.

CS (as Daniel): I'm saying that I would like to put your hand between two slices of bread and eat it with a soup made from your brains.

CS (While Daniel and Françoise are kissing in bed): Oooh, as you know I am a snoody film critic, so I like everything in my sexscenes to be in glorious black & white – and for them to bulk like they're on the verge of falling asleep… Oh, wait! We haven't had our skeleton and flowers yet.

- - - (Shot of a pipesmoking skull next to a blooming rose is shown) - - -

CS: (Smiling) See? I told you that was gonna happen! And I didn't add that in – that is part of the lovescene.

CS (vo): Clearly it is symbolic for her outrageous perfume that smells as sweet as a blooming flower, while Daniel kills the mood by farting which smells like death… Obviously. Oh, he's smoking? He must be starting to be a doctor. But you know what they say; once you go 'My Baby is Black" it's actually quite impossible to go back on that one… At the end of the day this is still an art film, so do explain it to us in an inquisitive voiceover.

Françoise: Everything has the color of love… The Universe revolves only for love.

CS: Did you make that up or did you steal that from somebody's diary expage circa 1998? Because I think they plagiarized it from MY diary expage. At least someone here is not given a voiceover…

- - - (Shot of a cat with an obvious human voice making a "meow!"-sound) - - -

CS (Confused): Wait, why was that cat being dubbed by a person? Was the cat's french accent too hard for us to understand? (Shot of Lloyd with the sound of a barking dog) Right? Thanks, Lloyd!

CS (vo): That's not the only confusing thing in this sequence.

- - - (Scene with people meeting up and chatting, while a nude woman is posing in the corner) - - -

Daniel: It's cold out.

Man #1: It sure is.

Man #2: Finally got here, eh?

Françoise: At last!

CS: Is no one gonna address that? Or are you just gonna let this go on unexplained? What is with those sloppy table settings? I need that explained to me! I guess they're too busy inventing porno-chic.

Man #1: What are you cutting?

Man #2: He's practicing censorship. He's taking out the good stuff.

Man #3: Only a little bit.

CS (vo): Just so he can make some extra scratch selling an unrated version on DVD. That way 13 year olds can go to the theater to see it.

Daniel: We credit too many things to chance. You looked at me… I looked at you… We decided our feelings. Chance is the justification for those who do not dare do such things for themselves – to build their destiny.

CS: You know, if they keep going on like that they're gonna have to name their kid 'pretentious douchebag'. Which isn't fair, because that's what I'm planning on naming my child.

CS (vo): They do seem to have a lot in common. They laugh at each other's jokes, even when no joke is said.

- - - (Scene with Daniel and Françoise suddenly laughing while eating at a restaurant) - - -

CS (Mimicking their laugh in a creepy way): Hahahaha, hahahahaha! Let's murder a family in their sleep! (normal)The laughing even continues all the way home.

- - - (Scene with Daniel and Françoise still laughing while cooking in the kitchen) - - -

CS (Mimicking their laugh again): Hahahaha, hahahahaha! We're gonna boil a live rabbit!

CS (while Daniel shows family pictures): I guess they finally got tired of laughing for the time being.

Daniel: And here's my mother.

Françoise: She looks like she's smiling at us.

Daniel: Yes, Françoise. She is smiling at us.

Françoise: You love her very much.

Daniel: About that there's little question; I love her very much.

CS: So we're both in agreement; you love your mother very much.

CS (vo): You know what would make this movie very good? If they were robots in the future and that Dalek was chasing them. You're welcome! But it's not like they have better conversation with anyone else.

- - - (Françoise and her mother eats breakfast without speaking to each other for a long period of time) - - -

Mother: What's for today?

Françoise: Laboratory test...

CS: My dinner with mother is awkward!

Mother: Don't be late for dinner. Try to beat your father hung tonight.

Françoise: Goodbye, mom.

CS (as Françoise): Well mom, it's been great catching up, but I got a black baby to make… Eh, oh wait. Did I say too much? I should've figured out a better way to tell you that…

CS: (Reacting to a shot of Daniel's bare foot) *sniff, sniff* Oh, eeew! Oh boy, the french do find the most subtle ways to tell us that the movie stinks.

- - - (Daniel and Françoise laughs at the pipesmoking skull wearing a hat) - - -

Françoise: I don't think ??? would help him. Hahahaha!

CS (Mimicking their laugh): Hahahaha, hahahaha! Remember when we killed this skeleton? Let's send him to Craig Ferguson, so he can be his robot-sidekick.

CS (Shot of dark clouds): What do you think, God?

CS (as God): Can't talk now, Snob. Busy inventing meaningful movie-conversations.

CS (Reacting to a shot of trees): Argh, my tree is bark!

CS (vo): I'm just glad we have a shot of them looking at each other and saying nothing. There haven't been enough of those.

Françoise (During a shot of two goldfish swimming in a fishbowl): Do you love me?

Daniel: I adore you.

Françoise: Are you sure?

Daniel: Positive.

CS: God dammit, not even the fish have anything interesting to say. And if you show me the skeleton one more time, I'm just gonna think someone slipped my movie a necromantic.

Radio announcer: And the fighting in Nigeria continues…

CS: Uhm, okay? I guess we're gonna take a small news break. We'll be back with our movie after these messages. Actually I should be glad they're not saying anything of relevancy to each other – 'cause when they do…:

Françoise: The black musicians… (a beat) I never thought of them as being people.

CS: Good God! Well I remember when I accidentally said that on a date. (Angry) Oh, wait! I never did that! (Normal) At least this way she can say "I'm not racist. Look, I have a black boyfriend"!

CS (vo): If they want something to talk about she could just ask him why he's a young med-student played by a 43 year old. Uuh, the music is about to start!

- - - (Horrible sounding music playing over a shot of saxophonist) - - -

CS: Okay, I added that. I figured the bad music would give them something to talk about.

CS (as Françoise, looking at the water): Our skeleton is starting to rot, darling. Let's drown someone else…

CS (Reacting to a french sign saying "Tout gaze bien"): What does that sign say? Uhm no, you go fuck YOURSELF!… Sorry I, I don't speak french… But I DO speak 'selfimportant-emo-college-douche'.

Françoise: When you think of your childhood, isn't there a smell that clings in your mind?

Daniel: Yes but it is a smell of need, of want… You wouldn't understand me.

CS: If I tell you that I understand you, will you refrain from explaining it to me in a haiku?

CS (as Françoise): Honey, let's have the skeleton watch us having sex again.

CS (as the skeleton): BALLS!

CS (vo): Uh oh! Is grandpa gonna say something racist?

The professor: Racism is like a lot of ants.

CS: Well, that's a weird starter. Good thing that there's only one guy in the room… (sudden shot of Daniel being in the same room as the professor) Uh, ooh…  Wait, when did he get here? Dammit, now there's FOUR people in the room? Fuck it, movie! You're supposed to look around first to make sure your scene doesn't contain the offending party, before you make a racist joke. Even the choreography is weird.

Daniel: Are you very sure?… (a beat) Are you very sure your love in me is enough?

Françoise: Enough for what?

CS (vo): Who the hell were you looking at a second ago? You' talking to the girl or the skeleton?

Françoise: Oh God, help us with our love – remove our obstacles.

CS (as God): Sorry, I got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to make James Smith a moviestar.

CS (Talking over a scene where someone tries to commit suicide): Wether the next obstacle is saving a drunk guy from jumping off the roof for some reason…

Man #1: Let him go. If he wants to jump there's no way for us to stop him.

Daniel: We must at least try it. If I let him die, my conscience will bother me for the rest of my life.

CS: Does your conscience also sound like he's dubbed by a 20 year old white guy?

CS (vo): Ooh, before shooting this you should've asked if your camera was afraid of heights first. Thanks for that obstacle that took out two whole minutes of the movie. Now for some music. I sure hope he plays "Lada, dadadadada"…

- - - (The guitarist does so…) - - -

CS (in awe): YES! He played it!

CS (vo): But tragedy strikes when our two leads are replaced halfway through, when they realized this movie is stupid.

CS (reaction to shot of a middle-aged man): ??? does not look happy…

CS (reaction to shot of an old man): Alfred Hitchcock just looks nervous.

Françoise: One could say that you are mad at me.

Daniel: People of your race were the ones who did this dirty thing.

CS: Okay, what was that previous scene about?

CS (Shot of another interracial couple): Who are these two people? Why does he look happy about the prospect of a hate crime? And how does Daniel know them?

Daniel: You're one of them. And they're yours.

CS: Ah, I can see they're communicating telepathically now.

Daniel: I get mad at the idea that they could be your friends.

CS: Oh come one, it doesn't mean that they are friends. It just means that she's a Skynyrd fan.

CS (as Françoise): Oh, mr. Skeleton. Why is it that this movie is called "My Baby is Black" but over an hour into it, it has nothing to do with interracial pregnancy and parenthood.

Françoise's mother: My daughter pregnant by a nigger!

CS (shocked): Jesus Christ! Okay, well… I guess it's about that NOW!? Other than the opening scene so far this movie has had zero to do with her being pregnant. So I think you could have a smoother transition into that plotline than these lines that came out of nowhere.

Françoise's father: We must get rid of it.

Françoise: Father? How can you think about a thing like that?

CS: How does she know that it's not the skeleton's baby? And where are these people coming from?

Random old woman: You fool! Wasting your time with a black.

CS: Uhm… Go fuck yourself, person who has never been in this movie! Why all the hate all of a sudden? So far they've been very open about their relationship and people seem happy for them. (A shot of Daniel suddenly sitting in a prisoncell) #&€%§… AND WHY IS HE NOW IN PRISON?

Black kid: He hit him real hard in the stomach. It was great!

Secretary (directed to bleeding victim): Actually you're pressing charges…?

Victim: Of course! See what that nigger did to my face!

CS: Okay, I seriously feel like we're missing scenes here. I think the movie has narcolepsy; it keeps falling asleep and then waking up at random points.

CS (vo): It's the 1960's though, so clearly the best place to go when pregnant is a fucking carnival.

Daniel: You feel as I do. But our love is in reach of our hands. I extend my hand to grasp it, but my hand does not find your hand.

CS: My baby is Terrence Malick!… Excellent. Not even winning her a skeleton-toy at a carnival could cheer her up. And Daniel is so upset that he walks right into someone dumping fake snow on him. If anyone of you out there thinks this is going anywhere; it isn't…

Woman (giving Françoise a present): Here's your favorite chocolate.

CS: Favorite chocolate? Racist… So she gives birth and they live happily ever after. End of movie… That movie was about as scandalous as a jaywalker.

CS (vo): The tagline was "Conceived in love… Delivered into hate!". A more appropriate tagline would be "Conceived in love… Delivered into… Eh, a few people were upset, but for the most part everything's fine – we're happy now". They then went on to star in a Cheerios commercial in which a bunch of racists flipped their shit about it on YouTube. This movie has well-intentions certainly with its 'love conquers racism'-theme. It's not racist like the movie's marketing suggests, which was done specifically for the american marketing to make it look like an exploitation-film. But when "Cream & Coffee 8" has more onscreen chemistry than your two leads, then clearly you just needed more awkward pauses, voiceovers and symbolic skeletons; which this movie certainly didn't have enough of for my taste. The point is, I think the filmmakers learned their lesson which is: Never put an exclamation point in your title, (talks slowly and silently) when everyone in the movie just talks like this……. (suddenly bursts out laughing the same maniacal laugh from before) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!…

Daniel: I can agree with what you're saying, professor… It is, that I like ants very much.

(The End)