Ghost Rider

(We start off straight with the Nicolas Cage Month opening)

A be ba bi boo

(Phone rings) Hello?

Hey Jerry, I'm doing a thing for Nostalgia Critic.

What do you mean I'm not getting paid?

O-Okay, hold...hold on!

Are you telling me that I won't be getting paid for this?

(Cage starts laughing and trashing the booth he was in)

I'm Nicolas Cage. (one more bit of breaking glass before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (he shakes his head before smacking the desk) I've heard of worse ways to try to get Nicolas Cage into the Avengers.

(Clips of the movie play)

NC (vo): I guess Nicolas Cage was so good at making it look like his skull was burning out of his face that this seemed like an inevitable decision. Ghost Rider, based on the famous Marvel comic series, is arguably the fucking coolest thing conceived since (picture of a robot holding a monster's head while covered in bacon) Bacon Robot Demon Slayer.

NC: It's mine! (He throws a © at the picture, especially after what happened with his and Cinema Snob's other ideas) Ha ha.

NC (vo): So how can an idea as freaking awesome as this go astray? Well, getting the writer and director of (posters of) Daredevil, Elektra and Jack Frost is a good fucking start. Yeah, the guy who made something that was supposed to be (Jack Frost) adorable terrifying as well as something that was supposed to be (Daredevil) terrifying adorable.

NC: We're in good fucking hands. Let's finish off Nicolas Cage Month with Ghost Rider.

NC (vo): The movie starts with Sam Elliot giving an opening narration, which immediately makes me think we're watching a Chevy truck commercial.

Caretaker: (narrating) It's said that the West was built on legends, tall tales that helped us make sense of things too great, or too terrifying to believe. This is the legend of the Ghost Rider.

NC: (as Sam Elliot) And I'm talking about the Dude here.

NC (vo): He speaks of a person who did the Devil's bidding until he came across a contract of a thousand souls.

Caretaker: (narrating) But that contract was so powerful, he knew he could never let the Devil get his hands on it.

NC (vo): Yes, so a sheet of paper is the big end all this movie has to offer. Because there's nothing more terrifying than legal ramifications.

Caretaker: (narrating) So he did what no Rider has ever done before: (The previous Rider blazes up, blinding the Devil and riding off) He outran the Devil himself.

NC (vo): So what you're saying is the Devil in this world is...a pretty lame one.

Caretaker: (narrating) The thing about legends is...sometimes, they're true.

NC: (as Sam Elliot) And sometimes there's a man--(normal) Okay, I'm getting my Big Lebowski jar here. Trust me, I'm gonna need it. (he takes out a jar labeled exactly that, putting a quarter in)

NC (vo): Thus the credits burn through the screen to reveal... (motorcycle revving is heard as it zooms through a hellish highway) Bower's Castle on level 4 of Mario Kart.

(The Super Mario Kart theme plays as Mario races in on a kart)

Mario: (voiced by Doug) Here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, ha ha! (reading the credit that popped up) In association with Relativity Media! Whoa!

(Two stunt cyclists leap through a ring of fire)

NC (vo): Cut to years later as we see a young daredevil named Johnny Blaze, partaking in a father and son act, presumably called the Flaming Speed Racers. But his father doesn't like how he's trying to impress his girlfriend in the audience.

(Johnny and his father, Barton Blaze, are pushing their bikes through the fairground)

Barton: You're already screwing around.

Johnny: I was just doing it for the crowd.

Barton: Think we know why you done it. You think she's gonna stand by you while you're in a wheelchair? Huh, hotshot?

NC: I never would've expected a daredevil would be such a showoff!

NC (vo): But things get complicated when his girlfriend named Roxanne, played by Eva* Mendez, (Johnny and Roxanne are at a tree where he's carved J&R Forever into a tree) tells her beau that she has to leave. And is it me, or are you waiting for Albert Finney's Big Fish narration to take over any minute?


 * NC calls her Eve

Johnny: We'll jump on the bike and just keep going. Tomorrow, noon. We'll meet here. (The two then share a passionate kiss under the tree)

NC (vo): (as Albert Finney from Big Fish) It was then that I realized my adventures had just begun. All leading up to when I (clip of Sister Beech from The Wicker Man) dressed in drag on that island in Summerisle. That was a weird weekend. (normal) He discovers that he can't leave because his father found out he's dying of cancer, which is news to a certain horned one's ears, played by Peter Fonda.

Mephistopheles. Worried about your father?/Thing about cancer is the time it takes./Plans that have to be changed.

(A quick burst of lightning shows his shadow, showing it as something quite evil)

NC (vo): (as Cage) I couldn't help but notice your cartoonishly silly shadow. Are you perchance a...Muppet of sorts?

Mephistopheles: Would you be willing to make a deal?

Johnny: Name your price.

Mephistopheles: I take...your soul.

NC: I knew it. You're from Google, aren't you? Look, I already signed up for Google+ even though I don't need it. How much more control of my life do you want?

NC (vo): But he agrees of course to make a contract with him, (Barton is much healthier compared to earlier) and his father is miraculously saved from certain death, (Barton then dies in an accident) only to accidentally slip into certain death.

Johnny: Dad! Dad!

NC: Well gee, who would've thought you can't trust the Devil?

(Johnny's fallen off his bike in an accident, only for Mephistopheles to appear)

Mephistopheles: You're no good to me dead.

(Johnny gets up and points at Mephistopheles)

Johnny: You...you killed him!

NC (vo): (as Cage) I awkwardly ask you to pull my finger in defiance!

Mephistopheles: I'll be watching you.

NC (vo): So he claims him as his property, which means he can't run off with his girlfriend. (Johnny is sitting on his bike while he looks to Roxanne, both of them soaked in the rain) He doesn't give her an excuse. He just looks at her and rides off into the wind or rain or some bullshit, and we cut ahead years later to the reveal of our star, the Cage man! (Hallelujah!) He's transformed into the most famous daredevil in the world, (Johnny takes a spill that should have crippled or killed him, but survives) but his helpers question how he's been able to survive so many injuries without a scratch for so long.

Mack: You should be taking a dirt nap after that ragdolling today.

Johnny: I got lucky.

Mack: You got an angel looking after you.

Johnny: Yeah, maybe. (he looks out the window) Maybe it's something else. (a flash of lightning turns his reflection into a skull)

NC: (as Cage) Maybe it's... (turning to another camera) Maybeline.

(Same shot of Johnny from before, but with the Maybeline logo in the corner)

NC (vo): But not too far away, we get the reveal of our main villain, played by Wes Bentley.

(He walks through a rainy desert in the stormy night before suddenly making a creepy face jump scare)

NC: I just like doing that at random. You know, just walking across an empty desert and suddenly going raar! Hehe! It may seem pointless to you, but if there happened to be a camera in front of me, it may possibly scare a seven-year old, but, uh, not an adult because that'd be childishly silly, but, uh, I'm gonna keep doing it cause, you know, it-it-it's fun. It's just my thing Y-you know, I just, it's me. (a beat, then another jump scare from NC and our villain) I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!

NC (vo): And yes, folks, this is what the villain of our movie looks like. Because isn't this who you want to see Nicolas Fucking Cage go up against? That bag filling pussy from American Beauty? Oh yeah, it's just as good as when they teamed up (pictures of said pairs are shown) Vin Diesel against Kat Dennings. Or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson against Tyler Perry as Madea. Or Mark Wahlberg against that snowman from Frozen (Olaf).

NC: Don't underestimate him. He bites.

NC (vo): So he takes out Curly of Hell's Stooges and calls upon his minions of rejected Matrix concept art. While that's going on, Cage gets saddled into his garage where he looks to relax before his next big stunt.

Mack: Oh, I see you still haven't gotten a lock for your lift. Great, great. You got a lot of expensive bikes here, man. I told you. Well JB, I've said it before, I'll say it again. This place could use a woman's touch.

Johnny: So could you.

Mack: Alright, four out of five. Collect one more and you get the whole set. I actually wanted to talk to you about something kind of serious. It's about you jumping on the anniversary of your dad's accident.

NC (vo): (as Mack) Let's see, what other exposition ideas did I miss out here? Oh, books. Yeah, books. You still like to read books, JB? On this, the anniversary of your father's death?

Johnny: I'm trying to relax, Mack.

Mack: Yeah, I understand. Alright, it's just gonna take a second.

NC (vo): And I'm not even kidding, I swear to god I'm not making this up, Cage's idea of relaxing in this movie is pouring jelly beans into a martini glass and laughing at videos of monkeys doing karate. (Johnny's laughing at monkeys doing karate) You know, why is it I get the feeling that Nicolas Cage wouldn't do this movie unless this specific set-up was in it? Would it really surprise you?

(Cut to an office where Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray are talking to Cage)

Tamara: Unfortunately, Mr. Cage, we were unable to write in a scene (cut of Doug as Cage sitting in a chair) where you juggle flaming ukeleles and sculpt kitty litter.

Malcolm: However we did get that scene for you where you drink jelly bellies and watch monkeys practicing kung fu.

Cage: Were you at least able to have me surving elephant breath while eating my dreams?

Tamara: No, Mr. Cage, that's impossible to visualize.

Cage: Idiots! Freeze the elephant breath into a solid mass. Then, okay, I want you to create a machine can take dreams and make them PHYSICAL so that I can consume them for NOURISHMENT! Was that so hard?

Malcolm: Mr. Cage, I-I'm sorry, but unfortunately our budget will only allow for jelly bellies and monkey kung fu.

Cage: Very well. I'll just see how my demands are being met on Wicker Man.

(Cut to a shot where the text message says "You want to do WHAT in a bear costume???")

NC (vo): So he's just about to do his biggest stunt when he comes across his old flame, *rimshot* Roxanne, who's now a reporter. And he gives what many consider a typical Nicolas Cage interview.

Roxanne: Johnny, what drives somebody to risk their life for entertainment?

Johnny: I heard you got married.

Roxanne: Most of the time the press focuses on the crashes, the broken bones, the cost of what you do. There any other costs?

Johnny: Uh... (an awkward silence) Yeah.

NC (vo): *sigh* Why do I get a terrible feeling that this demonic hellspawn of fire and awesomeness is just gonna be a guy waking up for two hours? (Johnny then jumps over several helicopters which had their rotors turning) So he does his jump but realizes he wanted to talk to Roxanne some more.

(Johnny's driving next to Roxanne's news van)

Johnny: Pull over!

(She just ignores him until he comes back sitting on the handlebars while doing a stoppie)

NC (vo): (as Cage) I can greenscreen some more effects if you want. Hold on. Why don't I make it more convincing by adding the Na'vi an Jar-Jar Binks to the mix?

Jar-Jar: Yousa muy muy hotta! Cage-a gonna love you long time!