One Moron, One Scotch, One Beer

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. When we cover stories of mankind gone mad, there are any number of reasons that could be seen as a cause for the crazy. Sometimes it's bad judgement, sometimes poorly planned choices, sometimes it's country music. But of all the dozens and dozens of stories I get, one phrase tends to stick out like a straight man at a Barbara Streisand concert: alcohol was involved. That's not to say having a drink now and again is a bad thing. It is to say when you guzzle half a gallon of peppermint schnaps the idea of breaking the speed of light using a shopping cart and a steep hill starts to seem like an amazingly sensible idea. That's what we're looking at this week. A collection of brain busting stories that are 100 proof, and 0 sane. For those of you playing the drinking game at home, this is the part where I elaborate. Take a shot.

(We go to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Drinking"

Nash (vo): It's a pretty fair guess that drinking all began on a bet. See, alcohol is formed by a process called fermentation, otherwise known as "you left that fruit sitting out for how long?" (Two Stick Boys are looking over a ripe apricot on a table) And men being men, (Stick Boy 1 says "You do it.") somebody decided to double dog dare to eat month old apricots and, before you can say cow tipping, (a cow is mooing when it's eyes bug out and dashes off, as Stick Boy 2 comes out quite drunk, with a CENSORED bar on his crotch) drinking was born. Since then, we've refined the process in countless ways from beer, to wine, to supid fru-fru drink that for some damn reason require paper umbrellas and silly straws. And we're so dedicated to getting our drink on that when the US made alcohol illegal in the 1920s, entire criminal syndicates formed in response. Seriously, folks will barely get off their ass when we've got a gulf full of oil, but if you take away their Budweiser, (Stick Boy is shown in a fedora shooting a tommygun) and they'll fucking end you. New experience in a nutshell, folks. Normally, drinking is a social activity that's more or less kept under control. The problem comes in when you deal with things like binge drinking, frat parties, or the Pogues. (a clip of the Pogues backstage where lead singer Shane McGowan is drunkenly singing, words all slurred) Jesus, Shane. (Stick Boy is now in a car with a hangover) Too much drinking and too little sense and you'll wake up wondering why your car is up a tree, (showing the car up the tree) and your keys are up your ass!

Nash: So, where do we begin? Well, why don't we take a trip to a place that's full of finely aged crazy? That's right, it's off to Florida where we answer the age old question: is it a good idea to get drunk and swim with alligators? Here's a hint, NO!!

(The report is titled "Tallahassee Man Jumps Out Of Boat To Swim With Alligator")

Nash (vo): From Tallahassee, 37-year old Eric Ross was on a tour at the Wakulla State Park when he up and jumped the fuck out the boat into alligator infested waters. He later informed law enforcement that the massive amount of alcohol he had consumed may have contributed to his actions, quote, "somewhat."

Nash: I racked my brain trying to come up with an explanation for what happened here, and I was only able to reach one logical conclusion. Our friend, Mr. Ross, does not understand what "alligator" means. I can only imagine his conception of alligator is this. (A clip of Wally Gator plays) When it is instead, this. (a clip of an actual alligator mashing a watermelon in it's jaws is shown) The alligator is one of the few animals on earth that's existed virtually unchanged since the days of the dinosaur were on the planet. The reason it's unchanged is because it's an apex predator! It doesn't need to evolve anymore because, much like Jet Li, it can kill anything it happens upon! In short, motherfucker will eat you, you silly shit! You don't swim with them! You don't give them belly rubs! To an alligator, you are a snausage that screams when devoured! Christ, help me out here, Betty!

(A clip of the movie Lake Placid is shown)

Delores Bickerman (played by Betty White): I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole.

Nash: Uh, actually, we're talking about alligators, not crocodiles. See, while they're similar, there's some crucial differences.

(Another clip of the movie)

Delores: If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!

Nash: Kay. So, uh, what's worse than boozing it up with giant carnivores? Boozing it up with giant swords! Our next story is from Memphis, Tennessee, where a woman decided the most logical method to solve problems at her child's school was the Norman Invasion technique.

(The report is titled "Drunken mom allegedly runs through school with sword")

Nash (vo): The daughter of 32-year old Toni Price had gotten into what was described as a spitting match with another kid. So, like any good mother, Price decided to get involved in her child's school. By running through the halls drunk, and armed with a fucking sword! The hell was she doing, trying out for Kill Bill Vol. 3?

(A clip of Kill Bill Vol. 1 is shown with Masamune handing the sword down to the Bride, with gag subtitles)

Masamune: Now, don't get drunk and run around all stupid with this thing, okay?

The Bride: Whatevs, yo.

Nash: Price went on to tell police she drank a bottle of Colt 45 before going to the school because, as we all know, parent/teacher conferences go ever so much better when you're good and plastered. The fuck is wrong with you, lady!? In what universe does drunk, plus sword, plus elementary school equal anything good? Well, aside from the best episode of COPS ever. But still, I'm sure it can be upsetting when other children pick on your kids, but reenacting Red Sonja (a picture of Red Sonja) doesn't seem like the best conflict resolution. Hell, Brigitte Nielsen had sex with Flava Flav, and that seems more reasonable than you!

(A picture of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav is shown with a caption of "This is what scientologists actually believe")

Flava Flav: Flava Flav! Yeeaaahh booooiiii! Woooo!

Nash: But, that's not the only drunken combat we have to cover this week. From Middletown, Connecticut, a man decided the best way to complain to management was "combat dancing" in his underwear! I dare you to make sense of what I just said!

(The report is titled "Cops: Drunken Man In Underwear Arrested At Price Chopper")

Nash (vo): I'm not kidding. At the opening for the new Price Chopper, a drunken customer threatened to punch store security, stripped down to his underwear, danced around outside the store, and then began issuing death threats. Wait a second. Ultimate Warrior, was that you?

(A clip of the Ultimate Warrior is shown)

Ultimate Warrior: Ah ah ah ah ah ah! You can feel it, dude! You can feel it!

Nash: Actually, no. It was a guy named Robert Cialeglio who, for some reason, showed up drunk to the store opening, and proceeded to offer up his own bargain basement discounts on bastard crazy. What the fuck is wrong with you?! How did you go from "picking up a gallon of milk," to "interpretive dance in your tightie whities?" I feel like there's a reel of film missing here! Also, and this is just a bit of constructive criticism, when making death threats, it's usually better to do so from a position of strength. Like holding a gun, or the detonator of a bomb, perhaps. But when you're pronouncing doom upon all those who oppose you in nothing but your short shorts, the only kind of death people have to fear is from hysterical laughter. Yet even this nonsense pales in comparisson to our next story, in which a man takes two of the worst things you can do while drunk and combines them: driving, and babysitting!

(The report is titled "Police: man blows .32; Kids on the hood")

Nash (vo): From Cold Spring, New York, police say 37-year old Johnny Winn decided to take some kids out for a fun day of rides and entertainment. Only, instead of going to Six Flags, the entertainment was him being completely sloshed, and the ride was putting the kids on the hood of his truck!

(The ground starts to shake and the sound of "Oh, you touch my tra la la" is heard)

Nash: Oh shit! Brace for it, people! It's a douchequaaaaake!

(The word DOUCHEQUAKE is flashing on the screen, blaring out while the Ding Dong Song is played over clips of earthquakes. Test pattern, then Nash comes back up)

Nash: Wow, we haven't had a douchequake that bad since Mel Gibson was asked his opinion on Jewish people. Where was I? Oh right. Normally, this is the part where I would ask what the fuck is wrong with the guy. After all, he took two kids, and keep in mind, the story doesn't make it clear if they were his or not, and drove around with them on the hood of his truck like a deer he just shot! But, that's not the big problem here. According to the story, Winn blew a .32 on a breathalyzer. That's four times the legal limit. Now, while looking after kids can be a trying experience. If you have to get so drunk to do it your liver files for legal separation, you're either taking care of Bebe's Kids, or you are a douche of such massive proportions that Johnson & Johnson would pile a patent infringement suit on your ass. Either way, maybe next time you should lay off the babysitting and find an odd job better suited to your skill set. Like professional vuvuzela player, perhaps.

(A clip of people playing vuvuzelas is shown while the words "This Could Be You!" flash on the screen)

Nash: So, how could we possibly top that story? Well, we've got one more this week that demonstrates the principle of "seemed like a good idea at the time." From London, a charity fundraiser held at a pub got a little hairy. And ballsy.

(The report is titled "'Intimate waxing' fundraiser goes awry")

Nash (vo): 24-year old Joe Cooper took part in an "intimate waxing" hospital fundraiser at his local pub. But, where all the other men went with a chest waxing, Joe opted for a male Brazillian instead. Unfortunately, being that the people involved were very drunk, used too much wax and were very enthusiastic with the removal, um, how do I put this?

(Nash has a paper bag in one hand and marbles in another. He puts the marbles in the bag, then rips the bottom of the bat open. He looks down and he can't see the marbles. Back to the report)

Nash (vo): Ee-yup, Joe ended up losing six of the seven layers of skin keeping his daddy factory intact. But this quote from the pub manager makes it ever so much worse. (highlighting the passage) "I was laughing but I did feel quite sorry for him, especially as we had a disco later on."

Nash: Yes, because the first thing you wanna do after almost having your balls torn out is go dancing. The fuck is wrong with you people!? Hot wax, and drinking? These are not two great tastes that go great together! Did nobody stop to think that maybe using molten wax on another being while three sheets to the wind might have been, I don't know, bad!? I appreciate that it was for charity. I do. But when you're trying to raise money for a hospital, maybe you should do something that wouldn't actually cause a visit to the ER! Next time, hold a car wash. While there's still hot wax involved, it's much less likely to be applied to testicles!

(A picture of a pick-up truck with the license plate BUMPERNUTS is shown, with the hitch being, of course, testicles)

Nash (vo): Okay, maybe not.

Nash: All right, so while we've presented you with these stories of how drinking can end ever so badly, it's technically anecdotal evidence. While it's compelling, it's not what you might call an empirical demonstration. Therefore, we we're gonna go about this a little more scientifically. We're going to take a more or less reasonable individual and expose him to a fuckload of alcohol. Here's the alcohol. (He picks up a bottle of Bacardi) And here's the reasonable individual. (referring to himself) Stop laughing.

(Four Shots Later. The scene transitions are done with Duck Hunt music)

Nash: (He finishes taking a shot) Ahh, alright. I've had a couple shots, and I've given it some time to settle. Not really feeling anything as of yet. Usually I can tell when I'm drunk when I can't feel my face anymore. (He gives himself a hard slap) No, not drunk yet. Well, this is boring. Maybe I'll watch a movie.

(Eight Shots & Two Hours Later)

Nash: (He finishes another shot, getting tipsy and holding the dvd case of The Big Hit, and channeling Chester A. Bum) Oh my god, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! There's this guy, played by Marky Mark! Uh, he's not a rapper, and he's in his underwear. And he's in the mob with Lou Diamond Phillips, who used to fuck a chick, that went on to fuck Melissa Ethridge. (pointing to two other people on the cover) And I don't know who these guys are, but he's so bald! (pointing at the bald guy on the cover) And in the movie...this movie...is boning me! (he's starting to slur) Oh yeah, uh, uh, yeah, not exactly sure what it was saying because I think I had the French track on, but it was very moving! (pointing to Mark Wahlberg) And Marky Mark! He was in the Funky Bunch! (holding the case up, now channeling Film Brain) SYMBOLISM!

(Three Shots & One Random Playlist Later)

(Nash is singing Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer")

Nash: Whoooaaa we're halfway there! Whoooaaa! (he ends up knocking his mike down) Fuck!

(Two Shots & One Bad Idea Later)

(Nash has taken another shot, thoroughly sloshed and Stick Boy's at his side, holding a bat, quite confused)

Nash: Okay, go! No, seriously, do it! It'll be awesome! I won't feel a thing! Well fuck you! (that gets Stick Boy mad) You little wussy motherfucker! You ain't nothing but a little chicken! Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep-- (Stick Boy hits him on the head with the bat, knocking him off the chair, now regretting it) Aah, fuck! Ga! Ow! God, oh! Oh hey! (shows a quarter) I found a quarter!

(Four Shots & One Random Speed-Dial Later)

(Emperor Palpatine is looking out into space from the Death Star throne room)

Intercom: My lord, there's a priority call for you on line one.

Emperor: Put it through.

Nash: Hey! Hey man! How, how are you?

Emperor: ....What?

Nash : How are you? What is up, wh-wh-what is up with you?

Emperor: Who the hell is this?

Nash: Man, we never talk anymore! Wh-why don't we talk anymore? I miss you, man! I miss knowing you! You know?

Emperor: ...Kenobi?

Nash: No no, it's me! It's your buddy, it's me!

Emperor: Wait, Tarkin, is that you? Oh for fucksake. Tarkin, if you're too drunk to fly back from that shithole cantina again, I swear by Yoda's drooping ballsack I will personally circumsize you with a lightsaber!

Nash: No, no, It's Nash! Remember? It's Nash!

Emperor: ...I'm hanging up now.

Nash: No, wait, listen. I have something important to tell you, okay? It matters! You listening?

Emperor: *sigh* All right, what is it?

Nash: .....I love you. (click, dialtone)

(The Rest of the Bottle Later. Nash is passed out on the chair. Stick Boy comes in, looks around, then takes out a sharpie marker)

12 Hours & 4 Excedrin Later. The music comes in all distorted as well. Nash is leaning forward, holding an icepack on the back of his head)

Nash: Oh, Jesus! Tastes like God crapped in my mouth! (he pulls his head back to reveal Stick Boy drew penises on his forehead and cheeks) That's all for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (he then sniffs the markers) What smells like magic marker?

(The credits are played to the song "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by the Dropkick Murphys)

Final quip: No, you can't have the Emperor's number. Stop asking.

(One more clip of Betty White saying "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it.")