Deuces

(Todd plays "Deuces" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: CHRIS BROWN ft. Tyga & Kevin McCall - "DEUCES" A pop song review)

Todd: Flashback.

Breaking News report on KCAL 9 Juan: And we begin at 10:00 with breaking news. A Grammy Award nominee has just posted bail on criminal threat charges. Chris Brown is accused of assault and battery.

Todd (VO): In February of 2009, the pop world was shocked when rising R&B superstar Chris Brown viciously and brutally assaulted his chances for a long-term career. Now faced with these horrible acts, the pop gods wisely revoked his right to stardom. [Cover of the album Graffiti, LOL arrow pointing at Brown] Shortly thereafter, he released his newest album, which was met with scathing reviews, [Video for 'I Can Transform Ya] and produced only one minor hit, whose success was probably only attributable to the presence of the ever-popular Lil Wayne.

Todd: And it sucked.

Montage of videos include Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne - "Down", Trey Songz - "Neighbors Know My Name", Iyaz - "Replay", Taio Cruz - "Dynamite", and Jason Derülo - "Ridin' Solo

Todd (VO): Now in the meantime, with Brown all but gone from the charts, a number of B-listers rushed in to try and fill the void, including Jay Sean, Trey Songz, Iyaz, Taio Cruz, and, most unfortunately, that talentless little puke Jason Derülo.

Todd: But why settle for a bunch of second-string, washout Usher-wannabes, when you can have the original Usher-wannabe?

Video for Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me Miss)

Todd (VO): Now, all critics have their favorite whipping boys, and from the beginning, mine was Chris Brown. I'd love beating on Chris Brown just as much as Chris Brown likes beating... [Picture of Brown's head pasted on waitress] eggs for his famous homestyle breakfasts.

Todd: And for what it's worth, I never liked Chris Brown to begin with, even before the assault charges.

Video for "Run It!"

Todd (VO): My initial impression of Chris Brown was something along the lines of a black Justin Bieber—he was 15, he sounded like he was 15, and he came on with way more swagger than he could actually back up. Now over the course of the next three years, he went on an uninterrupted string of hit songs, not one of which was even remotely worth listening to.

Todd: And then the arrest happened and, even as a non-fan, I shouldn't have seen that coming. I don't think anyone did. But believe it or not, it actually wasn't the assault itself that completely sunk my opinion of Chris Brown as a person.

Clip of Chris Brown on Larry King Live 

Todd (VO): It was every simpering, stupid, cowardly, mumbly, evasive thing he said about it after the fact. Before that, I was willing to give him the benefit of a doubt as a very young person dealing with a lot of pressure in his life, and who obviously had some personal demons he needed to deal with. Afterwards, my opinion became that he was an unlikable, violent moron who had absolutely no understanding of what he actually did. [Video for "Crawl"] And yet nearly two years afterwards, the public finally seems to be ready to let the exiled prince of R&B back into the kingdom. Although maybe predicted that his star would never shine again, since the arrest, Brown has worked steadily to try and find some measure of public forgiveness, most notably [Clip from...] an emotional, tear-filled performance of "Man in the Mirror" at a BET Michael Jackson tribute. And with the chart success of his latest single, it seems that he may have, at last, achieved his goal of making the public absolve him of his transgressions.

Todd: And while I'm sure many critics will argue that Brown's crime should prevent his career from ever recovering, believe it or not, I think even I can actually find some room in my heart to let him have his comeback.

Video for "Forever"

Todd (VO): After all, bad people can still make good music, and whether or not he's genuinely repentant, he is at least clearly deeply regretful for what he did, so I'm officially declaring...

Todd: ...it time to move on. Now I'm not saying I would let him date my sister anytime soon, but you know what? I think it's time we honor the fact that he's paid his debts and acknowledge his contributions to music without letting it be stained by...you know, the incident. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the culmination of one man's quest for redemption. With his big comeback single, "Deuces", here is the new, improved Chris Brown.

Video for "Deuces" Chris Brown: All that bullshit's for the birds You ain't nothin' but a vulture Always hopin' for the worst Waiting for me to fuck up You'll regret the day when I find another girl, yeah That knows just what I need, she knows just what I mean When I tell her keep it drama free

[Beat]

Todd: GO FUCK YOURSELF, CHRIS BROWN!

Todd (VO): Go...fuck...yourself! Go fuck yourself, you stupid, useless waste of a human being!

Todd: You can't be serious. This is what Chris Brown wants to sing about? Really? [Builds in anger] I mean, are...are girls giving you problems, Chris? Causing you so much dram...I mean, I'm crying. I am crying for you, Chris. I am weeping over here. My heart just bleeds for...hold on, [changes setting on keyboard] let me put some violins so I can properly express how sad I am for you. [Plays sad song] Let's all shed a big, giant tear for how bad people are to Chris Brown.

Todd (VO): I'm sorry. Am I being a little harsh? Maybe I haven't properly shown what an ugly and mean-spirited song this is.

Todd: 'kay, well, in case you're not up on your youth slang—well, first of all, congratulations on making better life choices than I did. But you also need to know that "deuces" is slang for "peace out." You know, two fingers, deuces, bye, good to see you.

Todd (VO): Yeah, for some reason, this song is about some girl getting the deuces from Chris Brown, and not Chris Brown getting the deuces from the world.

Todd: But, that al...that alone doesn't adequately describe how unattractive this song is.

Chris Brown: I know you mad but so what? Kevin McCall: So I flip that middle finger and the index finger follow Tyga: Thought it was true love, but you know women lie

Todd: You stay classy, guys.

Todd (VO): Okay, yes, I do realize that music is not here just to express pleasant sentiments, and yeah, there are worse things you can say to a girl. But if Chris Brown gets angry at a girl, so he dumps her and says mean things to her, you know what, for him, we can call that progress, I suppose. You can probably finds dozens, if not hundreds, of songs in my own music collection that say much worse things about women.

Todd: But those songs are made by people with talent and charisma, which Chris Brown doesn't and has never had!

Todd (VO): Look, I am nowhere close to believing that Chris Brown has been a victim of parasitic relationships and needs a chance to cry about his suffering. This is like listening to [Image of...] Cruella de Vil lamenting that animals don't seem to like her!

Todd: Seriously, if you're Chris Brown, you do not get to make a song like this. If "I Can Transform Ya" was highly questionable, this is completely unforgivable. Chris Brown needs to release footage of himself [Image of someone...] beating himself with a monk flail for three straight months before he even thinks of releasing a song like this. I don't know what frame of mind the writer was when he wrote this, but I'm pretty sure he would've reconsidered if he knew it was going to be sung by the world's most famous domestic abuser! Who exactly did write this atrocity?! [Picture of Chris Brown] Why am I even surprised?

Todd (VO): You know what? Even if I didn't know about the baggage of him and Rihanna, I still wouldn't want to associate myself with these assholes. Even within the song, they don't sound burdened by undeserved romantic stress, they just sound lazy!

Tyga: I'm tired of trying Chris Brown: No more tryin to make it work Tyga: I ain't gon be the one that she can always run to

Todd: Emotional support?! Effort?! What is this bullshit?! That bullshit's for the birds, you vulture! Seriously, "for the birds"? What did you...get you lyrics from a joke book from the 50s?

Todd (VO): And even if you do wanna be happy that you dropped a bad relationship, there are classier ways to do it. In fact, there's a song on the radio right now that does it better.

Video for "Ridin' Solo" Jason Derülo: I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo

Todd: Dude, what are you doing with your voice?

Todd (VO): When you're being outclassed by a no-talent like Jason Derülo, reconsider your artistic decisions.

Todd: You know what the infuriating thing about pop music is? Even when it's expressing the most repugnant sentiments, you just can't get it out of your head because it's so irritatingly catchy; and despite how much you hate it, or even because of how much you hate it, it just sticks in your head and you find yourself singing it to yourself against your will, and you feel like you wanna take a cheese grater to your brain to scrape it out!

Todd (VO): Eh, I was just kind of rambling to myself there, I guess. Anyway, let's get back to talking about this song, which isn't catchy in the slightest. I've heard jet engines make catchier music than this. [Cute picture of worm sticking out of ear] If maddeningly addictive songs are supposed to be called earworms, [Picture of...] this is like an ear snail.

Todd: It's slow, it's gross, and it has absolutely no chance of getting in your ear.

Todd (VO): I'm not sure what I hate more about the song—its dismal beat, its dreary synths, or its dreadful attempt at a melody.

Todd: Oh, and speaking as a professional silhouette, this is also a terrible freaking video.

Todd (VO): I mean, what in holy living hell does he think he's doing?

[Silhouettes dancing in video, which Todd tries to do] Chris Brown: No more tryin to make it work You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to her

Todd (VO): Oh, but I should meant the two other rappers who are also in this song. The first guy, Tyga, is a member of Lil Wayne's Young Money stable. I mostly know him from his [Clip of...] verse on the bragging-about-sex song "BedRock", where he spent half of his verse talking about him and his girlfriend watching TV in separate rooms.

Tyga: She watchin' that Oxygen, I'm watchin' ESPN

Todd (VO): Yeah, good job, Tyga, you dork. And there's also Kevin McCall. He's a nobody.

Todd: Right away, this seems like a bad sign to me because the last time I heard a song from an R&B singer which featured both an up-and-coming rapper and an unknown without a stage name, [Clip of video for Mario ft. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett - "Break Up"] it did not turn out well for me. But you know what? We'll give him a chance. After all, guest verses are often times the saving grace of a mediocre or bad song. On his own, Ludacris has rescued more songs than Greenpeace has rescued beached whales. I mean, that why you have guest verses—to compensate for the weaknesses of your main performer. So, fellas, do your thing. What you got?

Tyga: Uh, Use to be valentimes

Todd: Did he just say "valentimes"?

Tyga: Uh, Use to be valentimes

Clip from Teen Girl Squad  So and so: Valentines! T-I-N Race car drive: TINES!

Tyga: It's like I sent my love with a text two times Call cause I care but I ain't get no reply

Todd: Yep, you heard right. He's angry because she didn't return his phone call right away, but she's the one causing drama. If I ever got mad at a girlfriend because she didn't answer her phone right away, I'd have gotten dropped so fast, I'd have left cracks in the pavement. But you know with Tyga, you know, he's a famous rapper, he's gotta keep up that gangsta image, you know. Neediness, insecurity...[shrugs]

Tyga: So leave your keys on the kitchen counter And gimme back that ruby ring with the big diamond

Todd: Dude, if you can throw away diamond ruby rings on minor relationships, you don't need it back. Either that, or you've just learned a valuable lesson about wise spending habits. Whoa, hold on[pulls out of pocket] let me check my empty wallet, see if I have any sympathy for a guy who can buy ruby diamond rings. [Holds wallet open upside-down] Nope, all tapped out.

Tyga: I don't never feel like we vibin' Cause every time we alone it's a awkward silence

Todd: Actually, yeah, that...that does suck. I mean, I think we've all been there. It starts out good and then it just fizzles out and you just got nothing to say to each other and there's no point in pretending when it's just not working anymore. It's no fun. It happens. [Long pause] YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! NO! OHHHHHH!!!

Tyga: My heart big but it beat quiet

Todd (VO): I'm not sure Tyga really gets what this song is actually about. Between this and his verse on "BedRock", he may just be too nice for this. Maybe deep down, he doesn't wanna be an asshole; he just wants to hang out and play video games and write love songs, but he has to try and keep up expectations.

Todd: So if you fail to be a complete asshole, do you succeed? Well, let's compare you to the other guy, Kevin McCall, who is 100% pure bag of dicks.

Kevin McCall: Look, my shawty always on some bullshit like Chicago

Todd: Well, dude, I'm not a [Clip from "You're the Inspiration"] fan of Chicago either, but you're hardly one to judge. Actually, after about an hour of thinking about it, I realize that line was supposed to be some kind of reference to the [Logo of...] Chicago Bulls. Yeah, this is the level of immaculately constructed wordplay we're gonna be dealing with from this guy, so hold on, folks.

Kevin McCall: So I flip that middle finger and the index finger follow Deuces, we ain't got no future in tomorrow I'm a dick, so it shouldn't be that hard to swallow

''Todd is aghast. Cut to bathroom where shower is running'' Todd: Can't...get...clean...!

Todd: [back at keyboard] So, in two lines, this guy has given the girl his middle finger, and now he's told her to suck his dick basically. [Dating Game Theme] And he's back on the market, ladies. That's right. One lucky girl will be the next to scoop up this fine specimen of man. [Footage of the show] Bachelorette #1, if a guy spent the entire first date complaining how his ex was a completely, totally crazy bitch, would you be turned on or extremely turned on?

Kevin McCall: The other chick I'm with never complain She make wanna leave the one I'm with, Usher Raymond

Todd: Is [Clip from Usher - "You Make Me Wanna"] "you make me wanna leave the one I'm with" such an amazing quote, that you needed to cite your sources? What, did you find that in Bartlett's? Dude, seriously, don't drag Usher into this. [Clip from "OMG"] Mr. "Booty like pow pow pow" over here is still too good for this.

Kevin McCall: I finally noticed it, it finally hit me Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me. [Shot of Todd with jaw dropped] Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me.

''[Images follow with whomever Todd is playing. Phone rings]'' Kevin (Todd): Hello? Chris (Todd): Hey, it's...it's me, Chris Brown. Kevin (Todd): Oh, hey, what up? Chris (Todd): Yeah, I...I...I heard the verse you did for the new song. Kevin (Todd): Yeah, it was tight, right? Chris (Todd): Um, you kinda mentioned Ike Turner in it. Kevin (Todd): Uh-huh. Chris (Todd): Could you take that part out? Cause I really don't need people thinking about Ike Turner during my song, like, I don't need to remind people of...you know, the thing. Kevin (Todd): What thing? Chris (Todd): Are...are you serious? Kevin (Todd): What? Chris (Todd): [after a long beat] You know what? Never mind, Kevin. I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you later. Kevin (Todd): Yeah, talk to you later. [Hang up] Yeah, like I'll let a girl beat the pug-ass piece of shit.

Todd (VO): That is just about the only explanation I can think of how that line made it in the song. Do they just not care or are they actually that stupid? The fact that it rhymes "hit me" with "hit me" would be bad enough, but it somehow mentions Ike and Tina, and it somehow implicitly sympathizes with Ike!

Todd: I mean...Tina hit Ike? Poor Ike! [Clip from...] I mean, I remember when I watched What's Love Got to Do With It?, I went away thinking about all the times Tina hit Ike!

Chris Brown: I'm chuckin my deuces up to her...

Todd (VO): "Chucking up the deuces." This song makes me wanna chuck up my lunch. Somebody remind me why the hell we need this guy around.

Todd: Is he super-talented? No. Is he this particularly distinct personality? No. Is he a thoughtful, insightful artist? No. Is he doing anything we couldn't get from someone else? No! For Christ's sakes, [Clip from that infamous SNL performance] we kicked Ashlee Simpson out of the pop star universe, and you remember what her crime was? Lip-syncing. Lip-syncing, for God's sakes!

Todd (VO): Why is this song even called "Deuces"? It should be called "Douches" because that's what everyone involved in this song is—all three of these guys are douchebags, and I could not possibly hate this song more than I already do!

Todd: Go away, Chris Brown! Go away and never come back! Deuces!

Gets up and leaves

Closing tag song: KISS - "Deuce"