Barney's Great Adventure

We open with Reimu, dressed like Cyborg (Ray Fisher) in that one scene in Justice League, sitting like a miko.

Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't! You've heard of Barney, right?

Footage of Barney plays

Reimu (voiceover): The big, purple dorkasaurus who taught kids it was okay to nuzzle up to carnivores with sharp teeth. We had him in Gensokyo too on local television, and trust me, even as a kid, I wanted to kill myself whenever I felt like watching the show. In fact, when he debuted in 1993, Americans hated him so much they created an entire movement against him - including a jihad.

''A mouse appears and opens up the 365 Ways to Kill Barney, two of which are "Make him watch his own show." and "Make him gargle broken glass." and then opens up a newsgroup on Google Groups called alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, discussing "No Use for a Name riot kills Barney."''

Reimu (voiceover): Just look at this! They said Barney was an evil alien whose race was the people who created him! There were different groups all over the world like the TRES Corps and a Minnesotan group whose name, when abbreviated, was "DIEMAUVEPEDERAST!" There was an entire lore dedicated to people who wanted that dinosaur dead!

Reimu: In fact, I remember this song from my childhood - (singing) "I love you, you love me. Let's get together and kill Barney. Grab a fork and stick it in his head. Aren't you glad that Barney's dead?" (speaking) Even children loathed that saccharine sauropod! But I digress. Today we're going to discuss Barney's Great Adventure: The Movie.

Poster appears, then clips from the film play as Reimu talks

Reimu (voiceover): Yep, the dumb dinosaur had his own damn movie. It was released in 1998, when his popularity was slowly waning; the show was still on, but most of the production company's money was spent on...

Pictures of Barney's Let's Play School, Barney - It's Time for Counting, Barney in Outer Space, Sing and Dance with Barney, and Barney's Night Before Christmas are shown

Reimu (voiceover): ...direct to video titles.

Movie footage

Reimu (voiceover): You could've spent that money on making Barney as popular as he was when he first aired! The movie was intended to be released in 1995 under the title Barney: The Movie, yeah, I know right, who would want to see that? But a dispute over distribution led it not to be released until 1998.

The More You Know animation plays

Back to film footage

Reimu (voiceover): It was released April 3rd, 1998...

Reimu: APRIL 3RD? Oh never mind.

Footage of the 1998 Golden Raspberries

Reimu (voiceover): And Barney was nominated in the Golden Raspberry Awards for Worst New Star, but lost to Jerry Springer!

Footage of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, with Scott Evil on Jerry Springer and there's a fight going on, before returning to the footage of the Barney movie

Reimu (voiceover): Anyway, let's get through this crapfest in one piece. THIS is Barney's Great Adventure: The Movie.

We see the PolyGram Films logo, and then the Lyrick Studios logo, then the screen fades to black

Barney: Oh boy, it looks like everybody's here!

BJ: Oh man, this is gonna be so cool!

Reimu (voiceover): Aah, ghost people! Just joking. Barney and BJ, this isn't Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Baby Bop: Oh, I can't wait to eat popcorn, and sing along, and... Oh, and see the movie.

Reimu (voiceover): I can't wait to die by a giant asteroid.

All: (laugh)

Barney: Well then, here we go.

Baby Bop: Roll 'em!

Barney: (chuckles)

''Fade in from black and the movie starts. We see a green minivan drive through the countryside and the title kicks in. In the minivan, the Dad drives, the Mom looks at a map, Marcella holds Barney (as a doll), Abby stitches lanyard, while Cody plays on his Game Boy, and Fig sits in his seat, silently. Zoom in on Cody playing on his Game Boy.''

Reimu (voiceover): Of course, it was 1998, so there's the Game Boy.

During this, Bernadette Peters is singing "Barney: The Song."

Bernadette Peters: (singing) If Barney, the dinosaur comes knocking on your front door, just go and play with him, find your way with him to the world of imagination.

Reimu (voiceover): Get this - the title of this song is "Barney: The Song." How dumb is that? I thought "Barney: The Song" was this...

Footage of the season 1 intro to the Barney show

Kids: (singing) Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination! And when he's tall, he's what we call, "A dinosaur sensation!"

Movie footage

Bernadette Peters: (singing) Oh Barney, your smiling face can make life a better place, so smile along with him, sing a song with him, in the world of imagination...

Reimu (voiceover): Of course, this was nominated in the Razzies too, twice in fact. In 1998 and 1999, both as "Worst Song."

Again, zoom in on Cody playing on his Game Boy.

Reimu (voiceover): And of course the original puke screen Game Boy was still popular in 1999, new games were still being made for it- (a brick hits her on the head) Ow! Hey!

We see the family driving

Reimu (voiceover): So this is Cody, Marcella, and Abigail. They're headed to Grandpa's Farm for a week.

Abby: Oh, it's taking too long!

Cody: What's your hurry? They're dumping us for a whole week.

Dad: Oh, come on Cody, you're gonna have a great time. You can help Grandpa with the farm chores, like, uh "milking the chickens!"

Everyone besides Cody laughs, Reimu laughs sarcastically

Bernadette Peters: (singing) When there's no one there to understand, and he pops up and takes you by the hand to some enchanted land...

Ocean Man by Ween plays over the scene briefly

Singer: Ocean Man, take me by the hand, take me to the land that you understand...

Original movie audio

Cody: Get the doll out of my face.

(Marcella takes Barney out of Cody's face, just as she and Abigail are about to say,)

Both: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't home, leave a message at the tone: beep! (both laugh)

Reimu (voiceover): That was painfully 1998. First the Game Boy, then THAT, what's next? Furbies?

Marcella: You're wrong. Barney can walk and talk.

Abigail: And sing and dance.

Dad: Batteries not included.

Reimu (voiceover): THAT COMES CLOSE!

Marcella: Do you like dinosaurs?

Reimu (voiceover, as Marcella): Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Abigail: We use our imaginations.

SpongeBob footage

SpongeBob: Imagination! (as he makes a rainbow with his hands)

Movie footage

Cody: Your imaginations? That's kids stuff.

Abigail: That's alright. We are kids.

Abigail and Marcella chuckle

Reimu: Ahem, (points to herself with her thumb) I'm from a land that exists in your imagination and dreams, because it's separated from the rest of the world by the border of fantasy and reality? Whatever.

The car approaches the town of Merrivale as it prepares for its annual Apple Day festival.

Dad: Hey, look! Merrivale Apple Day Festival! Parade, circus, hot air balloons, fireworks, wow!

Reimu (voiceover): Where's the rides? I wanna go on the Zipper!

Abigail: It's tomorrow! Can Grandma and Grandpa bring us?

Dad: Um...

Mom: Well, maybe, but don't count on it, okay?

Reimu (voiceover): I'm getting Little Nemo flashbacks...

Cut to a clip from Little Nemo, the last film Reimu reviewed

Nemo: (grabs onto his father’s shirttails and pleads) Will you take me to see it? Please, Papa?

Father: Perhaps tomorrow, Nemo. (walks down the stairs into the entry hall)

Mother: (to her husband) Have a wonderful day.

Nemo and Icarus are at the top of the stairs; Icarus groans in disappointment

Nemo: (sighs) Oh, gee.

Fade to black, cut back to the Barney movie as Bernadette Peters continues singing

Bernadette Peters: (singing) So Barney, our purple friend, our friendship will never end, and even when we’re grown, we’ll be glad we’ve known Barney’s world of imagination! Barney’s world of imagination!

The car approaches the farm as the song ends and Grandpa George sees it coming

Grandpa: Delilah, the kids are here, shake a leg now.

Reimu (voiceover): You mean like this?

''Cut to Nitori dancing the Geddan to "Promise" by Kohmi Hirose. Back to the movie''

Grandma: They're here? Oh my goodness! George, do I look alright?

Reimu (voiceover, as Grandma): I'm a teenage girl trapped in a grandma's body!

Grandpa: Beautiful as always, but, got some flour on your nose.

(Grandma cleans off her nose.)

Grandma: Is that better?

Grandpa: Much.

Reimu: This has been another... (Pointless Moment sting appears) Pointless Moment.

Everyone walks into the house, while Cody glances around in his sunglasses)

Reimu (voiceover): After that, the kids arrive at their grandparents' and Cody tries to look KEEEEEWWWWWL.

Grandpa: Cody, tiger!

Cody and Grandpa walk into the house and Cody unloads his bags into his bedroom for his stay.

Cody: (looking at and imitating a cow figurine) You don't need cable TV in a farm, Cody, you'll have scenery to look at.

Cut to Sonic Triple Trouble commercial

Cow: I'm a cow, and I know trouble when I see it!

Back to the movie, where Cody lays down on the bed and starts tossing and catching a basketball

Reimu (voiceover, as Cody): Oh, boy, it's time for my favorite game: bored basketball! I'll definitely become a college athlete at this rate!

Abigail holds the Barney doll through Cody's doorway

Abigail: (imitates Barney) Cody, oh Cody.

Cody: (annoyed) What?!

Abigail: (Barney voice) It's me, Barney. Won't you come play with me?

Cody: No!

Reimu (voiceover): Good choice, kid.

Abigail: (Barney voice) We can play a nice game of pretend.

Cody: Well, great. Then you can pretend that I'm playing with you.

Reimu (voiceover): Yeah, ha ha, pretend you're in a dark dungeon about to be whipped by bondageloving Barney.

Marcella: For a guy who thinks he's cool...

Reimu (voiceover): This was 1998, everyone thought they were cool.

Marcella: ...you're sure no fun.

Cody: No fun...

"Beach Song" by Dead Milkmen plays as Reimu lip syncs

Dead Milkmen: (singing) Nooooo fun!

Back to the movie, where the basketball hits Cody on the head and the girls giggle at seeing this

Reimu (voiceover): Even the basketball doesn't like him. But hey? Who is there to like in this movie? There's no original characters, there's just standard character cliches! The straight boy (Cody) who's annoyed by his annoying sisters (Abigail and Marcella), and the parents who don't do anything (Mom, Dad, Grandpa, and Grandma.)

Cody: (gets up, annoyed) Fun? Okay. I'll show you fun! (snatches the Barney doll and runs into the girls' room)

Reimu (voiceover): Woah, this might actually be good.

Abigail: Hey!

Cody: Let's play keep away!

(Abigail and Marcella run into their room and check under their beds to see where Cody's hidden.)

Reimu (voiceover): He ran to your left, you dumbasses!

Cody comes out from behind the door while the girls aren't looking and runs into the hallway

Reimu (voiceover): See?

Cody: See ya!

Abigail and Marcella run after him, but when they get into the hallway, Cody is nowhere in sight

Marcella: Where'd he go now?

Abigail: The attic!

''The girls run up the stairs, but Cody was hiding in the downstairs closet. He runs out of the closet and into the bathroom''

Abigail: There he goes!

Reimu: (singing "There She Goes" by The La's) There he goes again!

''The girls run after him. Cody hides the Barney doll in the shower and closes the curtain, as the girls run into the room''

Reimu (voiceover): Oh, no! Barney's turned into (picture of a bathing...) Shizuka Minamoto!

Marcella: Caught ya!

Cody: (sarcastically) What are you, chasing me?

Abigail: Yes! Now can we have Barney back?

Cody: (sarcastic) Um, do I know a Barney?

Reimu (voiceover, in imitation of JonTron's Sonic Team video): What the FUCK is a Barney?!

Abigail: Cody, where is he?!

Cody: (sarcastic) I don't know Abigail. Why don't you use your imagination.

SpongeBob clip where he makes a rainbow with his hands plays again

SpongeBob: Imaaaaaaginaaaaaation!

Back to movie

Abigail: (getting back at him) Okay, I will.

Marcella: Me too.

Reimu (voiceover): (chuckles) Good luck at that.

They close their eyes, Cody scoffs, but Abby glares at him

Cody: Gee, no Barney. Maybe you're not trying hard enough.

''The girls close their eyes harder, while Cody scoffs in disbelief. The shower starts running and the shower's legs bend under weight. The girls open their eyes and see what's going on, and the shower stops running. Cody carefully starts to open the curtains, but backs away when Barney comes to life and opens them himself, scaring Reimu.''

Reimu: Aaah!

Girls: Whoa!

Reimu (voiceover, as the girls): We didn't need to see you in the nude!

Barney: A towel, please. (chuckles and gets out as the shower legs go back to normal)

Marcella gives Barney a towel and he dries himself

Barney: Thank you, Marcella.

Marcella: (to Abby) He knows my name.

Reimu (voiceover, as Barney): That's because you're at the top of my list of children to predate!

Barney places the towel on Cody's arm.

Barney: And thank you, Cody. It's so nice to have a shower after a long car trip.

Abigail: Uh huh.

Reimu (voiceover, as Barney): Now let's go to my big backroom, where I can show you my nice, big...

She cuts herself off.

Barney: Now, what were playing before, Abby?

Abby: We were playing a game of pretend, remember?

Barney: Oh, right. I just love to pretend! (chuckles)

Reimu (voiceover): WE KNOW YOU DO.

Cut to the season 1 Barney intro

Kids: (singing) Barney shows us lots of things, like how to play pretend...

Back to movie

Reimu (voiceover): IT WAS SUNG IN THE GODDAMN THEME SONG OF YOUR SHOW, YOU DON'T NEED TO REITERATE IT!

Marcella: Hey, why don't we go play in the barn?

Barney: Great!

The three of them exit, while Cody watches in shock

Reimu (voiceover): And then they were never heard from again.

Cody: A dinosaur. A dinosaur?

Reimu (voiceover): Do you not know what a dinosaur is?

Cody: Barney the dinosaur?!

Reimu facepalms

Cody runs after Barney and the girls, he runs up the pathway, into the barn, while Barney and the girls sing Do Your Ears Hang Low, we intercut the song with Reimu groaning and holding her ears

Barney and Girls: (singing) Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them on your soldier like a continental soldier, do your ears hang low?

Reimu (voiceover): Wait, what did they just say?

The scene repeats

Barney and Girls: (singing) Can you throw them on your soldier like a continental soldier?

Reimu (voiceover): I didn't know Barney was going to war.

Cody: Hey!

Barney: Huh? Oh!

Cody: What do you think you're doing?

Barney: Uh, who me?

Cut to a clip of a Teen Titans episode featuring Cyborg and Beast Boy

Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here?

Back to the movie

Abigail: But we are having fun.

Barney: Lots of fun! (chuckles)

Reimu: I'm scared.

Cody: Look pal, real dinosaurs don't talk, and real dinosaurs don't laugh. (imitates Barney's chuckle)

Barney: (chuckles)

Cody: There aren't any real dinosaurs anymore.

Reimu (voiceover): Yeah, that's what I never got about Barney as a kid. How does he exist if all the dinosaurs died thousands of years ago?

Barney: (chuckles) Well, I'm as real as your imagination. And that's something here --

Reimu (voiceover): That's not an explanation.

Cody: Yeah, yeah yeah. But that doesn't explain--

Reimu (voiceover): Thank you, movie.

Barney starts singing

Barney: (singing) Close your eyes and you will find, there are pictures in your mind, things that you can see and feel, all those things are very real. Doesn't matter where you are, make believe and there you are, you can be most anywhere when your imagination takes you there.

Barney and Girls: (singing) Imagine, imagine, and you can be anything you choose, imagine, imagine, just be sure you'll never lose, the power to...

Abigail: (singing) I'm sliding down a chimney!

Marcella: (singing) Whoopie, whee, look at me!

Reimu tries to imagine

Reimu: And I'm getting down with Cyborg.

She gets aroused and does the boner finger, spacing out.

Barney and Girls: (singing) Imagine, imagine, and life becomes a wonderful surprise

Reimu, dazed due to Cyborg, starts scream-singing the song with them

Barney and Girls/Reimu: Imagine, imagine, and dreams appear before your eyes. Doesn't matter where you are, make believe and there you are. You can be most anywhere, when your imagination takes you there!

Reimu: I saw this movie when I was a kid! A year after I discovered who Cyborg was...

The song ends and Reimu returns to reality.