Ghostbusters 2

(Following the Channel Awesome logo, cold-open on the start of an episode of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross; Ross, played by Doug, with his eyes closed, is standing next to a blank canvas and a painting of various characters in Ghostbusters)

Ross: Hello, my happy little viewers, hello. (gestures toward Ghostbusters painting) As you'll recall last time, we did a happy little painting on the happy little Ghostbusters. You all seemed to like this one, and I don't blame you; it's-it's a wonderful piece. So today, we're gona do a happy little follow-up to this happy little picture, because you liked it so much, you deserve to see it explored even more. (Beat) Except the parents; you didn't care for the swearing and the smoking. (On the painting, Dr. Venkman and Dr. Stantz clearly have cigarettes in their mouths) So, uh, this one, we're gonna make more family-friendly. Yeah, so we're gonna have a happy little baby right in the happy little center, so we're gonna get our...our black. (slaps his paintbrush on a spot of black on his palette) There we go, and, uh...

(He swishes the brush across the canvas and it suddenly turns black, with a painting of Baby Oscar in the center)

Ross: There we go. Now, we really want to further this idea even more, so we're just gonna add, uh... (stops and stares at Oscar) Gosh, I did such a good job on that one, it's.... It's really one of my best pieces. So, we're gonna add a, uh... (hesitates) You know what? Give me a one happy little second. Just as soon, a happy little second.

(He leaves briefly and returns with a pair of scissors)

Ross: There we go, yes.

(He process to cut up the earlier Ghostbusters painting, and one of the pieces falls out)

Ross: Son of a... God bless.

(Ross takes some Scotch tape and reattaches the cut-up pieces together, before finally attaching them to the new painting of Baby Oscar)

Ross: Right there... It's gonna be lovely... (finishes) There we are, okay. So we got our happy little followup to happy little Ghostbusters. (gestures toward his handiwork) Uh, once again, you can see the Ghostbusters are gonna become Ghostbusters again. Uh, you see Peter and Dana; they're going to become a couple again, they're gonna fall in love again. You have all these people who don't believe them, (gestures toward Walter Peck) especially this one guy, who really has it out for them, but I'm not gonna make it the same guy; that would just be lazy, so I'll, uh, make him bald or something. Then we have this big bad portal, where this big bad ghost is gonna come out and brings all these other, uh, unhappy little ghosts. (gestures toward the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man) We have this great big thing running through the city near the end. And, uh, of course, you can see here, (Venkman and Stantz's cigarettes have been crossed out) there's no swearing and no smoking, no unhappy little smoking, because all of it is centered (gestures toward Baby Oscar again) around the happy little baby, so all the happy little parents don't lose their happy little minds. (gestures toward Winston) And there's Winston. He's still only in half of it. There you are, our happy little followup to our happy little masterpiece. (looks toward his handiwork again) Wow, I really let you down, didn't I? I apologize. I...I really phoned that in, didn't I? I-I feel like I didn't give you what you deserve. It's just, the original was so good, and I... I-I just want it to be as good as that, and while doing so, I just gave you the exact same thing. And you know what? That's not what we're about here. We're about new ideas and new possibilities. We're about twists and turns. We're about exploring all that can be explored. I'm gonna change this. I'm gonna open up my mind. I'm gonna free my imagination. I am gonna give you the followup that you deserve. (starts dabbing paint on his brush and reaching toward painting before stopping himself) Or I'll just make them all women, that's easier.

(Ross starts painting again. Then the NC title sequence plays. After that, we are shown NC...happily gesturing like a conductor in front of a peaceful-looking landscape with a small waterfall. He turns to the viewers)

NC: Oh! Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, the world is certainly a better place now, isn't it?

(Malcolm, Tamara and Jim are shown dancing in a circle next to a giant Santa Claus toy)

NC: The prejudice has been abolished, confidence is at an all-time high, and we have one little Miracle: The Movie to thank for it. The Ghostbusters reboot.

(The poster and still pictures for the 2016 movie appear)

NC (vo): Yes, who would have thought all the bickering and arguing for this film would have totally been warranted? The patriarchy has been destroyed, women are now free to leave their cages, and we've learned that we don't have to live in a man's world, thanks to the man who broke the chance of oppression, Paul Feig.

Tamara: (frolics over to NC) I can't believe I was naive enough to think that Melissa McCarthy and queef jokes would lead to world equality!

NC: (waves his hand) Away, away, Tamara. Go vote! (Tamara gleefully does so) You can do that now! (laughs as he turns back to the camera) Thank you, Ghostbusters reboot. You've accomplished so much more that that pesky Wonder Woman movie.

(Suddenly, Rob turns up and whispers something unintelligibly to NC's ear)

NC: What's that? (Rob continues whispering) The other side is watching? (Rob whispers again) Okay, give me a second.

(Rob runs off, while NC clears his throat and puts on a military helmet, taking out a rifle. He clicks his fingers...and the background abruptly changes to a burning U.S. Capitol, and the sounds of moaning and shooting are heard)

NC: Everything's gone to Hell ever since the Ghostbuster reboot!

(Malcolm and Tamara are now down on their knees in front of hobbling zombies, crying over Jim's dead body)

NC: The dead have ironically come back to live, and no money can stop them! Everything is on fire! (Malcolm and Tamara proceed to gnaw on Jim's leg and arm respectively) Everybody who should be alive is dead, and everyone who should be dead is alive! If only we listened to the brave souls who spoke out against the Ghostbuster reboot! Then we...

(Rob appears again and whispers something to NC again)

NC: What? (A whisper) Nobody cares anymore? (Another whisper) They found actual problems? (And another whisper) Okay, not actual problems, 'cause they're still on Twitter, but they found different problems?

(Rob finishes whispering and leaves. NC looks relieved and laughs in joy, returning to his usual spot at the desk)

NC: Thank friggin' God! This was the stupidest shit movie fans ever had to go through! But, (sighs) it looks like we can talk about Ghostbusters again.

Tamara: (offscreen) Shh!

(NC turns to his right to see Tamara and Malcolm hiding behind a couch and Jim behind a nightstand)

Tamara: Don't say that word!

Malcolm: It's not safe.

NC: It's okay, it's okay. "Ghostbusters" is no longer a controversial word. (thinks for a bit) Nobody even knows why it was controversial to begin with, but it's not anymore. (takes out a magic wand) You can come out now.

(As Tamara, Malcolm and Jim slowly come out of hiding, NC sings in the style of Glinda from The Wizard of Oz)

NC: (singing) Come out, come out, wherever you are, / And fear no loser tweets, / Both strange and bizarre.

Malcolm: Well, now that nobody gives a shit anymore, what are we gonna talk about?

NC: Well, I'm gonna talk about a film I've wanted to talk about for a while: Ghostbusters 2.

(The audience boos, and Tamara, Malcolm and Jim run around for cover, scared)

NC: Chicken wire.

(The chicken wire slides up to protect NC from empty bottles flying to him. The title and clips from the 1989 Ghostbusters sequel are followed)

NC (vo): The long-awaited sequel to the comedy phenomenon, Ghostbusters 2 was met with less than flattering reactions when it premiered five years after the original. Both audiences and critics were let down, claiming it was just a repeat of the first one with fewer laughs and making little sense. You know you're in trouble when the series about chasing snot bubbles is criticized for not making sense. Over the years, though, it's gathered a little bit of a following, with fans looking back, saying...

NC: "Yeah, it's not as good as the first one, but...Mr. Bean's friend is great." (A clip of Dr. Janosz Poha, played by Peter MacNicol, appears next to NC)

NC (vo): Is it worth the disappointment it got, or is there secretly a hidden gem in there?

NC: Well, if there is, it's...unbelievably well-hidden. Let's take a look at Ghostbusters 2.

(The movie starts with the caption "5 Years Later" appearing on a black screen to a dramatic sting)

NC (vo): NOT FIVE YEARS LATER! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Seriously, what was up with that title card?

NC: You sure this isn't Law & Order?

(The caption appears again, but with the famous "CHUNG-CHUNG" sound from every intro of the Law & Order shows. In a New York City street, a pinkish-gray slime oozes out of a street crack. Wheels of a baby carriage trail through it)

NC (vo): Well, obviously, that "cryptic sting" music should be followed up with...

(As we see Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver) pushing the carriage with her baby son, Oscar, along the street, the whimsical pizzicato music plays)

NC (vo): ...the Sofia the First soundtrack.

NC: Okay, all right, I guess this was meant to be the more kid-friendly version.

(While Dana gives her grocery bag to a worker named Frank, the carriage with Oscar rolls away and across the road)

NC (vo): This is Dana Barrett, played by future Finding Dory joke, who's looking after adorable baby Oscar, who's thrown into oncoming traffic.

Dana: That's my baby! Watch out!

NC: (smiles) Well, tone's not gonna be an issue here.

(Dana manages to catch up with the carriage and picks up baby Oscar)

NC (vo): Actually, now I'm wondering, in Hook, (The clip of this movie with Peter's carriage rolling down a hill is shown) if Peter Pan didn't run away, he just got possessed by Frankenberry's urine.

NC: Maybe all the ghosts are from Neverland. This is a crossover I never thought plausible!

(Cut to Ecto-1 driving through the city)

NC (vo): Cut to the Ghostbusters who are speeding their way towards the big emergency: a birthday party.

(Yes, Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) and Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson) are now hosting birthday parties)

Winston: We'll have fun!

Ray: Yeah!

NC (vo): Wait. They had the siren on, nearly running over people, because they're late for a birthday gig?

NC: ...Actually, I can totally see them doing that.

(The picture zooms in to a sad-looking face of a clown drawn on a sheet)

NC (vo; chuckles): God, I love the decorations at this party. Seriously...

NC: ...who hung that up?

NC (vo): And here's how you make your movie more geared towards kids: start off with kids hating you.

Mother: (as Ray and Winston come inside the house, greeting the kids) Look who's here!

Kid: Aw, I thought it was gonna be He-Man.

Other kids: Yeah.

NC: (as the photo of two kids at the cinema appears) Yeah, Ghostbusters aren't cool, kids in the audience! We suckered you, I guess.

Ray and Winston: (singing) If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?

Kids: (chanting) He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!

NC: (massages his forehead) Okay, just to give you an idea, this is two years after...

NC (vo): ...this bombed. (The poster for the 1987 live-action movie Masters of the Universe appears) He-Man sales were so dead, the Filmation Ghostbusters were hunting their spirits. You wanna know what was popular at the time? The Real Ghostbusters!

NC: There is no reason kids wouldn't like them!

NC (vo): Oh, but we have this bullshit reasoning.

(Jason, the boy who has thrown a party, comes to Ray)

Jason: My dad says you guys are full of crap.

Mother: Jason, hush!

Ray: Well, some people have trouble believing in the paranormal.

Jason: No, he just says you guys are full of crap, and that's why you went out of business.

NC (vo): Yeah. Apparently, people just stopped believing in ghosts. Right the shit out of nowhere!

NC: All right, in the first film, I can buy that, because it's like our world; there was no proof they existed. (Beat) But after a well-documented, well-witnessed...

(The footage from the first movie plays out)

NC (vo): ...marshmallow man marched through the city, nearly destroyed the world, and even religious figures were on their side...

NC: (the shot of Jason is shown) ...these idiots should look like flat-Earthers!

(Another clip from the original is shown, showing Winston covered in marshmallows after the Ghostbusters destroyed the menace)

Winston: I love this town!

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, you wanna know why they're out of business, too?

Winston: We conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.

NC: (hand rests on cheek) Wow. It's uncanny how much they predicted. Exactly what we wanted to see in a Ghostbuster sequel.

NC (vo): I mean, in the cartoon, they chased after a ghost who wanted the people's dreams, the Boogeyman, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, even freakin' Cthulhu at one point!

NC: Petty, pansy, pussy, puss! It's all about the lawsuits, man! That's the epic battle!

NC (vo): Even the Ghostbuster toys are replaced with "Cease and Desist" kits.

NC: It's just the direction things need to go!

Ray: Ungrateful little yuppie larvae.

(In the Institute for Advanced Theoretical Research, Dr. Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) listens to Dana's story about Oscar's carriage)

NC (vo): So Dana talks to Egon, played by the late Harold Ramis, to get help with her situation, while he's in the middle of measuring anger in a physical environment.

Dana: (hands her phone number to Egon) I'd rather you didn't mention any of this to Peter, if you don't mind.

Egon: No, I won't.

NC: Ah. We gotta pause the movie for a puppy.

(Behind a glass, a little girl is given a puppy, and Egon runs a meter over her)

Dana: Isn't that sweet?

(The girl hugs a puppy)

NC: ...So there's that.

Egon: (to his assistant) Let's see what happens when we take away the puppy.

NC: Is that a metaphor for what the movie is doing?

(Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) is shown chatting with his two guests on his own TV show World of the Psychic with Dr. Peter Venkman)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Peter, played again by Bill Murray, is hosting a show called "World of the Psychic", where he discusses end of the world predictions.

Milton Anglund (Kevin Dunn): I have a strong psychic belief (puts a finger to his forehead) that the world will end...on New Year's Eve.

NC: (as Milton) And I'll be forced to talk to Shia LaBeouf about masturbation. It'll be awful!

Peter: But I think my other guest may disagree with you.

Elaine (Chloe Webb): The end of the world will be on February 14th, in the year 2016.

NC: Eh, she was close. (The poster for the reboot appears) 2016 is when the franchise ended.

(After finishing the shooting, Peter comes across Mayor Lenny Clotch (David Margulies) and attempts to talk to him, but the mayor's assistant, Jack Hardemeyer (Kurt Fuller), pushes him away)

NC (vo): So the mayor happens to be in the same station where they shoot this show...

NC: He has an important speech to make on Bassmasters.

(Cut to a later scene where Peter looks for Dana in Manhattan Museum of Art)

Rudy the museum guard: It's a fishing show.

Peter: Yeah, I know Bassmasters. Sure.

NC (vo): ...where we come across our watered-down Walter Peck, or Watered Peck, as I like to call him, played by Kurt Fuller.

Hardemeyer: I'm Jack Hardemeyer. I'm the mayor's assistant. I know who you are, Dr. Venkman. (looks around) I just don't see any ghosts anywhere.

NC: (as Hardemeyer) Though I highly appreciate your work on psychic phenomenon. (The picture of Coroner Woody Strode from the show Psych appears)

Hardemeyer: You stay away from the mayor. The last thing we need is for him to be associated with two-bit frauds and publicity hounds like you and your friends.

(The clip from the first movie is shown again, showing the crowd of people chanting for the Ghostbusters, before cutting to a clip from Men in Black II where Agents J and K erase the whole city's memories via a giant flash in the skyscraper)

NC (vo): Oh, I don't know, it worked pretty well when they saved the world before. You know, prior to when the Men in Black just erased the city's memories. This seems totally justified.

(The clip with the marshmallow-covered Winston is played again)

Winston: I love this town!

(Cut to the Manhattan Museum of Art, Dana's place of work. There we see her boss, Dr. Janosz Poha)

NC (vo): We then cut to the one funny performance everyone can agree on, Peter MacNicol as Janosz.

NC: This guy is so funny, even his first line is gold.

Janosz: (speaking with an employee) Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.

NC: (as Janosz) If you knew I was funny, you would be so offended. But you don't, so...HA! (flips the bird to the camera with both hands)

Janosz: (to Dana) Well, I make pretty good cocktails, don't I?

NC (vo): He's Dana Barrett's boss, who's gone from playing in the orchestra to art restoration.

NC: Christ, what's your next job? Teacup tester?

Janosz: (takes something out of Dana's hair) ...assist me in more important restorations.

(The scene changes from the museum to Dana's apartment, being visited by Egon and Ray. Then Venkman comes through the door, wanting to talk to her)

NC (vo): Dana fends off Latka's advances, only to discover that she has to fend off Venkman's as well.

Peter: (holding a snow globe with a snowman in it) You know, you'd have been better off marrying me.

Dana: Whenever I brought it up, you'd get drowsy and fall asleep. It was when you started introducing me as the old ball-and-chain. That's when I left.

NC: Cool, so his heart totally wasn't into it. That's what I wanted to see happen.

(Cut to the last scene of the first movie, where Peter is embracing Dana and they share a kiss, then cut back to this scene)

NC (vo): When he saves her life and they play the closing credits and they look at each other lovingly kissing, I totally want to see him not commit, have a baby with another guy and then trying to get back together.

NC: (slams his hands on the table and the points his index fingers to his head) God, it's like...in my head!

(Peter is holding Oscar, before we see him and Dana during their bonding in the first movie)

NC (vo): I know these two were supposed to fall in love again, but...truth be told, I don't know if I want them to. The first time around wasn't perfect, but you'd admire that she is more grounded, he's more goofy, opposites attract and he does have that charming persistence. Here, his persistence already gave up on her once. And now he's trying once more to... What, give up again? If you want to show their relationship going through trouble, show us the trouble. Only seeing them clumsily and even bitterly try to patch things up just makes them look like emotional jerks.

(The first scene to illustrate NC's point shows Peter in Dana's apartment holding a guitar)

Peter: So, uh, whatever happened to Mr. Right, anyway? I heard he ditched you and ran off to Europe.

(The next scene goes back to Dana visiting Egon)

Dana: Does he ever...mention me?

Egon: No.

(The last scene goes to the moment Peter enters her apartment)

Peter: Well, I know I'm just asking for the big hurt, but I thought I'd give us one more chance.

NC: But if their steps backwards seem disappointing, take a look at their steps forward.

NC (vo): Let's hear that comedy gold with that baby we wrote in.

(Ray and Egon do some basic medical examination on Oscar)

Ray: (to a recorder) Uh, subject weighs approximately 18 pounds and is about eight months old.

Egon: (shines a light) Pupilar response normal.

Ray: Auditory?

(They both snip their fingers three times directly into Oscar's ears, and he reacts to some of them)

Egon: Is normal.

Ray: Papillary reflex?

Egon: Appears to be ticklish.

Ray: (to the recorder) Yep, baby ticklish.

(The first movie's logo appears with the theme song)

Singers: Ghostbusters!

NC (vo): But part of why the first movie worked was Bill Murray's brilliant improv. Surely, he can work out something with the baby, right?

Peter: (to Oscar) You know, I-I should have been your father.

(He picks Oscar up, while humming a tune, and swings him around in his hands)

NC: Wow. Well, that was as awkward as...Bill Murray with a baby.

Peter: (pretending like Oscar is eating his nose) Help! He's gone completely berserk! Help!

(The first movie's logo appears again)

Singers: Ghostbusters!

Peter: (to Dana) I don't have a lot of experience with babies.

NC (vo): Get me outta here, pleas- (A scene changes to Peter, Ray and Egon investigating the goo the carriage rolled over) Oh, thank God. They go to where the carriage stopped on the street and decide to tear it up to see what's under it. (Only the three are tearing up the street in the street worker uniforms) Hey, where did Winston go-? Ah, screw him.

Policeman: What are you doing?

Peter: What does it look like we're doing here?

Ray: I'll tell you why we're here. We're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night.

Peter: Is he right?

Egon: Yo!

NC: That awkward moment when you realize Egon is the funniest one in this movie.

(At the same time inside the museum, Janosz makes a restoration of the painting of Vigo the Carpathian, until a lightning strike comes out of its eyes, zapping Janosz. Then the ghostly head of Vigo starts talking to him)

NC (vo): While that's going on, the painting of Vigo the Carpathian comes to life to possess Janosz.

Vigo (Max Von Sydow): What was will be. What is will be no more.

NC: In case you're wondering, that's (a photo of...) Max Von Sydow doing the voice of Vigo, because the actor playing Vigo... (stops in his track, not knowing how to phrase it respectfully) Um...

(We are then treated to a "Behind the Scenes" video, where the original actor for Vigo (Wilhelm von Homburg) is reciting the parts for Vigo's speech. But he doesn't has a very commanding or threatening voice you would expect from a being like Vigo to have and he is slurring through his lines)

Vigo (Wilhelm von Homburg): What was will be. What is will be no more. Now is the season of evil. Find me a child, and I might live again.

NC: Come on, that could have totally worked. Try it!

(Vigo's speech in the movie is played again, but this time dubbed with von Homburg's version from the "Behind the Scenes")

Vigo: ...the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, command you.

Janosz: (Bowing in front of him) Oh, command me, lord!

Vigo: On a mountain of skulls in the castle of pain I sat on a throne of blood. What was will be. What is will be no more. Now is the season of evil.

NC: You may laugh, but if these voices (Russel Crowe as Javert in Les Misérables and Emma Watson as Belle in Beauty and the Beast (2017) are shown) don't have to be dubbed, Vigo should speak!

NC (vo): Ray is lowered under the city to find a whole river of Mr. Bubble's splooge. He accidentally hits something, though, that blacks out the entire city.

NC: You'd think something like that would be a little tougher to take out, wouldn't you?

(The scene of Ray breaking the pipe that causes the damage resulting in the blackout is shown again, and the pipe looks like it would have broken apart at any moment)

NC (vo): It kinda looks like the pipe was gonna break anyway. His foot barely touched it. Was it next to the History Eraser Button, too?

(The said "History Eraser Button" from the Ren & Stimpy episode "Space Madness" is shown. Cut to the next scene, where our protagonists are sitting in court because of the damages caused in the city)

Ray: What can we do? It's all in the hands of our lawyer now.

NC: Oh-ho-ho, good! Here's a scene that will make sense.

Judge Stephen Wexler (Harris Yulin): The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts. I don't believe in them either. Leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?

NC: (holds his head, talking through his hands) Okay, wait. (lifts his head) I know it's silly to go this deep into a movie where they zap demonic Caspers, but... What were they sued for originally again?

(The previous scene of Ray and Winston after the birthday party plays again)

Winston: We conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.

(A scene of Stay Puft Marshmallow Man being destroyed in the first movie is played before returning to the courtroom scene)

NC (vo): So because they conjured up the marshmallow man, they were responsible for the damages. And this judge is saying...

Wexler: The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts.

NC: (frustrated) If you can get sued for conjuring ghosts, why won't the court acknowledge them?!

NC (vo): It's like suing firefighters for property damage, and the judge being like... (as Wexler) I don't believe in fires. Anyone who even says the word "fire", just erase it from the record. It's dumb! D-d-d-dumb!

Peter: (from the later scene) Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.

(The gang's lawyer is revealed to be their ally Louis Tully (Rick Moranis))

NC (vo): I'll admit, having Tully as their lawyer, played again by Rick Moranis, is pretty funny. But they even miss some obvious one-liners.

Louis: When you're scared... What?

Peter: (mumbles) There was no evil intended.

Louis: There was no evil intended, no malice... (listens to Peter mumbling again) Because it'ill never happen again...

Prosecutor (Janet Margolin): Objection, Your Honor.

Louis: What?

Prosecutor: He's leading a witness.

NC: (flipping out) It should have been "leading the lawyer"! God, that joke was so gift-wrapped, (A frame of girl scouts with Christmas accessories is shown) girl scouts were waiting to wrap it at checkout!

NC (vo): But while this court doesn't recognize ghosts, it does recognize cheering for people that the movie tried to hammer nobody liked anymore.

Peter: Shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?

(The crowd is cheering after that statement)

NC: (as a member of the crowd) Yay, we spontaneously like you again! Okay, we're only cheering, 'cause we know this line is gonna be in the trailer, and I really wanna be in the trailer!

NC (vo): As the judge is finding them guilty, his anger seems to get a strong reaction from the slime, resulting in...

(Out of the slime appear two laughing ghosts of electrocuted humans, the Scoleri Brothers, scaring everyone in the crowd away)

NC: (astonished) Oh, so this is how HBO is doing Sesame Street now.

(Wexler freaks out and dismisses the case, allowing the four of...no, only three of the Ghostbusters to battle the Scoleri Brothers)

NC (vo): The judge decides to rescind the order, and they're allowed to bust the dead Beagle Boys. Hey, where's Winston? Ah, screw him.

(Cut to a previous scene)

Winston: (of Wexler) Sounds like a pretty open-minded guy, huh?

NC (vo): Wait. He was actually in the room. Kind of weird they didn't invite him to be a part of...ah, screw him.

Egon: Behind you, Ray! (Ray fires at one of the ghosts)

NC (vo; sighs): So, okay. 35 minutes in, and we finally get the Ghostbusters busting ghosts again. It's cool, it's fun, and a pain in the Ecto-ass that we had to wait so long for it.

(Egon, Ray and Peter capture the Scoleri brothers)

Ray: Two in the box!

Peter: Ready to go.

Egon: We be fast...

Egon, Ray and Peter: ...and they be slow!

(The montage of the Ghostbusters reopening their firehouse HQ and dealing with other paranormal activities is shown)

NC (vo): Naturally, as soon as they nab 'em, they get the business back, and ghosts start popping up all over the place.

(A commercial plays on TV, first showing Louis and Janine picking up the phone)

Janine: Who are you going to call?

(The ad cuts to all the four Ghostbusters posing)

All: Ghostbusters!

(It turns out Hardemeyer was watching the ad, and he groans, distressed that the Ghostbusters are back in business. NC covers his face with both hands in devastation)

NC: Okay. Um... Overlooking that at the earliest...

NC (vo): ...this had to start in November, and it wraps up around New Year's...

NC: ...meaning they had to get the lease...

NC (vo): ...for the firehouse back, clean it up, quit their jobs, rehire Janine, get all the equipment back up, do a TV commercial (A brief clip of the TV ad with Egon holding the thermal mug and a balloon with their logo on it) and even manufacture merchandise in under two months...

NC: (grinning) Math! You can do a lot on it!

NC (vo): ...let's really look at something here. A big, big problem that could have been fixed. I know I go on and on about things wrong with movies, but let's look at one of the biggest solutions this film could have had.

NC: (holds up both hands) What if the movie started with the court case?

(As NC talks, the clips from the movie and its predecessor are shown to describe his point)

NC (vo): Oh, not "the stupid trip, and there's a power outage" case, I mean the other court case they talked about. Them getting sued for the damages caused by Stay Puft. Think about it: there'll be no more ghosts because Gozer was gone, so they'd still be down on their luck when being sued. Even Winston could be there with them.

NC: In fact, them saying their other jobs might actually be funnier than seeing them.

(NC overdubs all the four main characters and the prosecutor)

NC (vo; as the prosecutor): What's your occupation? (as Peter) I host the public access show "World of the Psychic". (as the prosecutor) What's your occupation? (as Egon) I measure anger by giving and taking away puppies. (as the prosecutor) What's your occupation? (as Ray) Birthday parties. (as Winston) Birthday parties.

NC (vo; normal): That surprisingly would have been funnier. It could even take place five years later because they were forming the case around them. Hell, a lot of articles nowadays point out that Walter Peck was actually right about how friggin' illegal their operation was! (Walter Peck is Photoshopped next to a prosecutor) In fact, have him there! He can be a witness, or even the prosecution! That way, you wouldn't need Watered Peck to hate them for no reason, because his (Walter's) hatred is already justified! Just as they're about to be found guilty, the arrow tube ghosts pop up. But wait, Gozer is gone. Where did these two come from? Suddenly, there's a mystery. The same thing happens: the judge rescinds the order, Winston is with them to bust the ghosts...

NC: ...and maybe...seven minutes in, this is our intro.

(Cut to Ray, Egon and Peter walking out of the court to the reporters)

Peter: We're the best, we're the beautiful, we're the only...Ghostbusters.

(The picture fades to the movie's logo, with the theme song playing in the background)

Singers: Ghostbusters!

NC: Over a half an hour of bullshit filler, gone. And how cool of an introduction wouldn't that be?

NC (vo): When Janine answers the phone, saying...

Janine: Yes, we're back.

NC (vo): ...the other end wouldn't be going, "What the hell freakin' took ya?!"

NC: And the rest, you can still kinda do a similar thing!

NC (vo): Follow up with Oscar's carriage being possessed, only this time, it's Peter and Dana's baby. You don't have to redo the romance; in fact, the intensity is up because it's both their kid now, adding a new element to their characters and taking their relationship to the next step!

NC: Maybe Dana is like, "Screw this! No ghost is taking my kid!"

NC (vo): "I'm becoming a damn Ghostbuster!" If newcomer Winston could do it, why not her? Then Tully and Janine can look after Oscar like they originally had, (The still of Ellen Ripley from the Alien franchise appears with a Ghostbusters logo Photoshopped on her costume) and we'd have Ripley as a goddamn Ghostbuster, adding a great dynamic to the group, rather than...

(The later scene of Louis in the Ghostbuster uniform is shown)

Louis: Boy, this equipment's heavy.

NC: Oh, yeah. That happens in this!

(The pictures of the franchise's many toys and action figures are shown)

NC (vo): That so much time, you can dedicate to more gadgets, more ghosts, more vehicles, more characters, more shit you can sell as toys that also make the film more interesting! New stuff furthering the story!

NC: (slams his hands on the table) THERE! I fixed the movie! Combining new elements with old elements and furthering the idea!

NC (vo; sighs): But, nope. We apparently had focus groups that went like this.

(Cut to a skit, with Doug playing a studio executive with a pad interviewing two little kids played by Tamara and Jim. "Blue Danube Waltz" by Johann Strauss II plays in the background)

Doug: So what would you kids like to see in our new Ghostbuster movie?

Girl: Um, I'd like to see more Ghostbusters and bad guys.

Boy: I'd like to see more gadgets and more vehicles.

Doug: That sounds great.

Voice: (offscreen) Um, you didn't ask me!

(The camera moves to reveal a crazily grinning man (Malcolm) who's wearing Mad Max-like glasses and the boy's clothes, raising his hand)

Doug: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a child?

Malcolm: I've been told I have the mental maturity of one.

Doug: Oh. Well, what would you like to see?

Malcolm: I want to see the same thing all over again.

Doug: The...exact same thing?

Malcolm: I don't like change.

Boy: Don't you wanna see some, like, more cool guns?

Girl: Or other Ghostbusters?

Malcolm: No. I wanna see Peter and Dana split up so they can get back together....

Boy: What?...

Malcolm: I wanna see them become Ghostbusters, even though they're already Ghostbusters...

Girl: Eh?...

Malcolm: And I wanna see Winston halfway through, even though he already knows them!

Doug: Well, why don't you just watch the first one again... (Malcolm grins even more) You've seen the first one a lot, didn't you?

Malcolm: A lot!

Doug: Well, would you watch this one a lot?

Malcolm: No. I'll probably hate it, then defend it, then hate it, then defend it, then go against what the mass majority thing.

Doug: But you'll still buy it to own?

Malcolm: Of course! Especially if I hate it. (clinks his Hulk and unicorn toys)

Doug: (sighs) Okay. I guess we can do that.

(The boy and the girl groan in disappointment)

Malcolm: Shut up! Just for that, put a baby in there.

(The boy and the girl groan even louder)

Doug: I never knew how strange some of our fans were.

Malcolm: Wait until the Internet!

(Malcolm grins like a deranged person, creeping Doug and the kids out. We go to a commercial. After returning, we are shown a montage of the Ghostbusters capturing ghosts in New York again)

NC (vo): So after a montage very similar to the first film of busting ghosts, only to a...better song?

(And this song is a rap performed by Run-D.M.C.)

Joseph Simmons: (singing) They walk through the walls / With no time to stall. / You call the (with the backup) Ghostbusters, / Well, that's who you call!

NC: Still better than Fall Out Boy's version.

NC (vo): We finally upgrade from kiddy stuff like talking with babies to something more adult, like dancing toasters.

(After Ray puts an ooze in the toaster, it starts moving and then dancing to Jackie Wilson's "(Your Love Has Lifted Me) Higher and Higher", amusing the Ghostbusters)

Peter: Whoa!

Ray: Shake it up! Yeah!

NC: The way this movie's going, I wouldn't be shocked if the climax looked like this. (The famous Windows "After Dark 4.0: Flying Toasters" screensaver is shown)

(Meanwhile, Dana finishes bathing Oscar, but a pink ooze comes out of the tap)

NC (vo): Dana gets another supernatural surprise, though. Either that, or she has a Japanese tub where the shampoo comes out with the water.

(The ooze forms into a living thing, scaring Dana away. The living ooze reaches towards her, and the bathtub deforms!)

NC: Mmm, I don't know. That was looking...

NC (vo): ...very (shot of...) Blob from Clayfighter there. Even the bathtub this Pepto puppet is in seems to have fabric creases.

NC: You know, for that matter, why is Vigo taking so long to get this kid?

NC (vo): He just needs any child, doesn't he? Why is he waiting so long for Janosz to get this one? He's got a ghost army now, he can have them grab whatever kid he wants! Hell, there's gonna be a ton of families outside that art museum he's in! Wouldn't it be a lot easier just to be like...

(A skit of Tamara as the mother carrying a swaddled baby is shown. A giant hand of Vigo grabs her)

Vigo (voiced by Doug): Yoink! (The mother is promptly taken away)

NC: This could go so much faster!

(In his apartment, Peter is woken up by Dana knocking on the door)

NC (vo): She drops by Peter's place, who's sleeping on the couch in his coat.

NC: ...As bachelors do.

(Peter opens the door for Dana and Oscar)

Dana: We had nowhere else to go.

NC: (confused) Really? You have...no other friends?

NC (vo): Your caretaker, Winston, Ray? Egon, who you went to the first time Oscar was threatened, and you said, "Keep Peter out of it"? And you go to the guy you said keep out of it?

NC: Oh. (chuckles) Wait, wait. I know why she's there. More of that sweet...

NC (vo): ...Bill Murray baby humor!

Dana: I really ought to put him down.

Peter: May I? (Dana puts Oscar in front of Peter) You're short, your bellybutton sticks out too far, and you're a terrible burden on your poor mother!

NC: You get it?! Put down! He's putting him down! (laughs loudly and sarcastically) HA-HA! HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! (Beat) How did he...

NC (vo): ...get a place that big?! Yeah, the baby joke is so bad, I'm moving on to something else! Public access TV show and/or under two months of ghostbusting gets you in a New York apartment like that?

NC: (as a shot of Tom Hanks as Josh in the 1988 movie Big is shown) Unless you have the job from Big, that ain't gonna happen!