43

Ask That Guy Episode 43 (Dec. 5, 2009)

[Ask That Guy is in his usual location, doing his usual introduction, except he's wearing a Santa hat.]

That Guy: Oh! Koali! [Bremnian for "Hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

[opening introduction]

That Guy: Well, I asked you to ask me question about holidays in December, and you didn't disappoint. So let's get to our first question.

Narrator (always offscreen): How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood...in December?

That Guy: [sneers at the camera for a few seconds and then says...] Really? That's your big December question? / [jump cut] I mean, you really think that counts? You think, if you ask any other ordinary question, you just add the words "in December" at the end that somehow it's going to count! / [pointing his mouthpiece at the camera] It does not, my friend! It does not! / What a way to start off these December episodes! [in mocking voice, faking typing] How much wood could a woodchuck chuck in December? [gets frustrated and says through his teeth...] Fuck you! / Fuck you! / [with his back to the camera, turns around and just as quickly turns back] Fuck you! / [drawn out, close-up] Fuck yoooouuu! / Alright, well, I guess you're expecting an answer then... [pauses] a lo.! / There! Not very funny, was it?/ Nope! / [mouthpiece at camera again] But that's what you get for being a holly, jolly prick! / In fact, THERE'S a question for you: "How many pricks could one prick prick if one prick could prick pricks?" / The answer? I don't know. Why don't you ask the prick that asked the woodchuck question? / [now starting to loudly cry] You've ruined my Christmas! Everything is gone now! / [briefly with his hands over his face] Why? Why did you have to ask that stupid-ass question?!?! / I'm just trying to give you some good cheer this holiday season, and you've FUCKED IT UP!!! / [looks up] God, kill me!! God, kill me right no-o-o-ow!! [sobs] / [points at the camera] I'll kill you! I'll kill you right now! [lunges at the camera; screen goes to the color bars test pattern for a few seconds; back to That Guy] I apologize for that little outburst I had earlier. Just know that the problem has been dealt with. / I recently hired some people to hunt down the person who asked that question, and they... killed him/ Yes, I think that was a very good way of putting that. / Ho-ho-ho! [smiles;

Narrator: Is it me or do the Clauses have a midget fetish?

That Guy: Please, don't call them "midgets"; that word is not PC anymore. / I called him Larry. /

Narrator: What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? Surely this is a celebration of Jesus.

That Guy: Well, of course it is; everybody knows that! / Just eat milk and cookies? / And thus gave birth to our Lord and Savior. / The cabbage patch.

Narrator: Have you been naughty or nice?

That Guy: I've been [in deep effected voice] naaaaauuuuugggghhhhttttyyy!

Narrator: On the 12 days of Christmas, what did your true love give to you?

That Guy: Well, I'll tell you. [he dons a top hat that knocks the Santa hat off his head and grabs a wooden cane, all while the opening instrumental passage to "The 12 Days of Christmas" plays; it abruptly ends when he says...] Nothing. / [Santa hat returns] Ungrateful bitch. [sneers]

Narrator: Can a driedel be made out of something other than clay?

That Guy: Yes. It can be made out of elves. / And why haven't you called 911 yet?

Narrator: What did YOU ask Santa for Christmas?

That Guy: [chuckle] Well, I asked what I always ask for Christmas: good will toward men. [pause] But now women. / Those whores can suck it. / They think that just because they gave birth to us, they deserve equal rights? [brief laugh] Fuck them. / They don't even have penises. [scoffs] The nerve! / When I was younger, I always thought one was going to grow out of there... It never did! / Well, except that one time, but she was a freak. / [looks up, reminiscing] A freak that I will love forever. [pauses, looks back at the camera] I love women. [a longer pause until he quietly clicks his tongue]

Narrator: This December I'm planning to commit suicide. But, since Christmas is coming, I'd like my suicide to be in the spirit and cheer of the holiday: What are the best Christmas themed suicides I can commit?

That Guy: Decapitation by candy cane. / And, of course, sodomized by a reindeer. / Incidentally,

Narrator: Eggnog as a sexual lubricant. Yay or Nay?

That Guy: I don't know. Let me try it. / Nah.

Narrator: If you could make up your own December holiday, what would it be?

That Guy. Kwanzaa. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it."