Thomas and the Magic Railroad

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (softly) This is a story...

Cut to clips of Thomas and the Magic Railroad''

NC (voiceover): ...about an old man who has lost all hope in life, all because of his misguided faith in a simple engine. However, with the help of his granddaughter, and the courage of a small town, he may be able to find that special magic to make his engine run once more.

The text "Academy Award Nominee Peter Fonda" appears over his clip

NC (voiceover): Academy Award Nominee Peter Fonda...

Then "Academy Award Nominee Alec Baldwn*" over Alec Baldwin's clip

(*spelling mistake in the video)

NC (voiceover): Academy Award Nominee Alec Baldwin...

Then "Most Adorable Smile Award Mara Wilson" over her clip

NC (voiceover): Most Adorable Smile Award Mara Wilson... really? That annoying Mrs. Doubtfire kid? Um, okay.

Accompanying text before Thomas the Tank Engine's clip

NC (voiceover): And make his film debut... Thomas the Tank Engine... (normal) okay...

NC: Whose joke is this? Come on, come on, where's the real summary? Come on, I mean, there is no way that Thomas the Tank Engine is in a Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin movie!

Background whispering

NC: Oh, see? I'm right! (beat) Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin are in a Thomas the Tank Engine movie? (long pause) WHA-

Clips of the movie

NC (voiceover): Trust me, most of America was as shocked as you are! What the hell are these two big, dramatic actors doing in something as brainless as Thomas the Tank Engine?! I mean, it's not that it's a kids' film, hell, a Disney movie, or a Pixar movie, or something of substance would make more sense, but it's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine! The show that PBS puts on when Clifford the [Big Red] Dog is too intimidating!

NC: But does it all come together? (beat) IT'S THOMAS THE FUCKING TA-- let's take a look.

Narrator: Meet Thomas. He's our Number One hero.

Thomas: Hello.

NC (voiceover): So immediately, you're hoping Mr. Rogers' trolley comes in and kicks the oil asses outta these characters, but unfortunately, we're not so lucky. We do, however, see our very first problem with this film.

Gordon: Seven, eight...

Thomas: Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon?

Gordon: I'm counting how many seconds late you are.

NC: THE MOUTHS DON'T MOVE! And that's fucking creepy!

NC (voiceover): I mean, I understand on the show 'cause it looks like they have a budget that makes Gumby look like Studio Ghibli, but come on, you got Peter Fonda in this! You don't want Peter Fonda to think you're this goddamn lazy, do you?! You got enough facial expressions in your library, but you can't come up with one motor to go inside the characters' lips to make it move up and down?!

NC: Come on, I can do better! Watch! (snap)

Thomas: (with NC's lips over his) Say Gordon, I was just wondering why we live in a town called Sodor. Is that a retirement home for Lord of the Rings villains?

Gordon: (with NC's lips over his) I'm just trying to put together how we procreate. I mean, do trains have sperm?

Thomas: (with NC's lips) Goodness gracious me.

NC: AND THAT'S SOMEHOW STILL LESS CREEPY THAN WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!

NC (voiceover): So we're introduced to a place called "Shining Time," where the humans are just as lifeless as the trains. They even have their own obnoxiously fat, profanity-laced Tinker Bell played by Alec Baldwin, who's going to sing to us about the town!

Conductor: (singing) This is your Shining Time, climbing through stars to your own cloud night...

NC (voiceover, singing): Here's a generic song, it sounds like hundreds of other songs, things are always nice in this song, that's why no one remembers it, generic song, generic song, some jackass wrote this in his sleep, generic song, generic song, it shuts up your kids, so you can't complain.

Narrator: And by the way, I think that you're going to help me and Thomas somewhere in this story.

NC (voiceover): Um, okay. (beat) Are you gonna fill us in on that at all? That's kind of a lot of pressure to throw on a little kid, and then suddenly not go into any detail. How would you like it if...

Clip of Barney the Dinosaur

NC (voiceover): ...Barney the Dinosaur, in the middle of a song, said...

Barney (singing): I love you, you love me...

Barney (voiced by NC): Some shit's going down, be ready for it!

Barney (normal): We're a happy family.

NC (voiceover): So I guess they find out a bad train named Diesel has come to town for no other reason than to cause trouble.

Diesel: I've come back to find a lost steam engine, and I'm going to destroy her, and dominate you!

NC: Whoa, keep it in the bedroom, Diesel!

Diesel (voiced by NC): I'm tired of being the bottom bitch! Just for once, I wanna be in control of my train sperm!

Thomas (voiced by NC): We were just talking about that. Do trains have sperm?

Diesel (voiced by NC): Silence!