Top 20 Worst Number One Songs



Sage: On August 4th 1958, Billboard first charted America's music using its iconic "Hot 100" list.

(Cut to: A music video while the song to it plays in the background*)

(*Editor's note: I don't recognize all of the music videos or music used, so if anyone can help fill in these gaps whenever possible, I would appreciate it immensely.)

Sage (VO): Now, through the years, how a song's popularity is measured has evolved, what with the advent of digital downloads and streaming music online. But this list has always been the measuring stick of a song's commercial success.

Sage Now, 55 years later, I'm counting down the top 20 best and worst to have ever hit number one, on Billboard's Hot 100.

(Cut to: A different music video and then the video to "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot)

Sage (VO): Of course, a song's importance to music can be strictly measured by chart success. Many of the most iconic pieces of music never even cracked the top ten. But, at the end of the day, these were the songs that had the zeitgeist, the overall production, or just the plain luck to be the most listened to song in America.

Sage: I'm not gonna present my list as any kind of definitive statement of a song's quality, since I'm just a guy with his opinions. Same as the next. But, don't think for one moment that I make my choices lightly.

(Cut To: the music video for "Who can it be Know?" by Men at Work as Bennett throws the numbers and stats onscreen, with an addendum at the bottom saying "As of 8/11/13")

Sage (VO): After going through 1,027 songs, over 66 hours of music. I managed to whittle down my twenty best and worst. So, if you feel like I'm forgetting a song or I don't know what I'm talking about, feel free to set aside an entire sleepless weekend to prove me wrong.

Sage: I mean, if you got the time. (Pause). Like I did. (Pause). Top 20 worst!

(Cut To: A different music video)

Sage (VO): Now, you might be thinking the "Worst of" list was the hardest one to form, since there's been a lot of popular crap that has plagued the airwaves. I certainly don't need to remind you all of that, but personally speaking, when I was doing the research for this, I found that the majority of the songs really didn't elicit a response from me.

Sage: I rated songs on a scale of one to five, with five being "I honestly and really love this song and I will always remember it." And one being "If I ever hear this goddamn song again, it'll be too soon." And, by far, the vast majority of these songs elicited a two. Which is basically on the bad side of "meh."

(Cut to: A black and white performance from the 50s?")

Sage (VO): And that's basically because the majority of the songs on here are just "meh" material. Boiler plate tunes that played to the shifting general tastes in music at the time. Especially the fucking 50s and early 60s, which was a barren wasteland of samey sounding Do-Wop.

Sage: Despite this, there was no shortage of horrible songs that garnered unwanted popularity over the years. Well, no use putting it off any longer. It's time for.

(Cut to: The music video to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, which serves as the interlude to the worst of list.)

Sage (VO): The Top 20 Worst Number One hit Songs.

#20
Sage: Now, I may have name dropped the 50s during my intro, but it wasn't like that was the only decade that pushed out crap en masse. Just different crap.

Cut to: music videos

Sage (VO): What Do-Wop and early R&B were to the 50s, schmaltzy light rock was to the 70s. If you were like me and you thought that the 70s were the heyday of classic rock and funk, well, you'd be right. But that's looking at a fraction of the American soundscape. Led Zeppelin may have been the biggest band in the world in 1975, but you know who was topping the charts?

(Cut To: The video to the song in question)

'''#20 Lovin You Minnie Ripperton'''

Minnie: Lovin you

Is easy cause you're beautiful.

(Cut to: Sage pulling at his face in disbelief.)

Sage: What the hell was wrong with our parents.

Sage (VO): I don't think this song needs any kind of introduction, but I'm surprised how little hate it gets. Beyond the fact that it's the epitome of mealy mouthed, wretch inducing, saccharine drivel, it also features the single most annoying vocal performance in pop history.

Sage: How many jokes have been made at Minnie Ripperton's dog whistle voice over the years? (Face turns serious) Not Enough.

Footage of Minnie doing the "Do, do" thing (Which I won't transcribe for convivence's sake, before she lets out an off key falsetto scream that immediately interjects to the clip from Total Recall of Cohagen decompressing from Mar's lack of atmosphere.

Sage (VO): I know it seems like a moot point considering how the song sounds, but the lyrics are just as horrible.

Minnie: No one else

Can make me feel

The colors that you bring

Sage: "No one else makes me feel, the colors that you bring." What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?!

Sage (VO): And it's bad enough to have "la las" and "do dos" in place of actual lyrics. But to use both back to back? Minnie might as well be singing, "Lovey, Lovey, love love. Lovey, love love, lovey, love."

(The footage of the "Chorus" in question starts again before she goes into another scream, this time cutting to the famous scene of Michael Ironside's head explosion from Scanners.)

Sage: I'm sorry, I just. I-I just can't get over that air raid siren of a voice she has. It's like a whirring dentist's drill right in your brain.

Minnie: And every time that we

(Supposedly seductive hissing)

Ooooh, I'm more in love with you.

(A horrible crackling noise is heard off screen as Sage goes wide eyed before looking at his crotch.)

Sage: (Nodding his head throughout) Yep. That was my last boner. And you killed it Minnie. I hope your proud of yourself!

Sage (VO): In a song as obnoxiously cute as this, provoking images of Minnie's O-face may not have been the best move. Hell, look at her album cover for Christ's sake!

(The album cover to her Album, "Perfect Angel is shown)

Sage (VO): She looks like she doesn't even know what sex is! Honestly, the only thing keeping this song from being higher on the list is the fact that it's hysterically bad. But that kind of charm can only last so long.

Sage: Loving you may be easy because your beautiful, but hating this song is dead simple because it's awful.

(A third clip of the do-do's followed by the ear piercing scream is shown once more, this time cutting to the clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark of Belloq's head exploding.)

(Interlude)

19
(Cut to: A live performance of Chicago's "250624")

Sage: Now must of you know of my fellow coworker Todd's distaste for the band named after the second city. But, from where I stand, Chicago's alright by me.

Sage (VO): I mean, I don't own a single song of theirs and I probably won't any time soon, but I really don't get the amount of hate they get. Some are liable to point to their AM soft rock years as the reason, but to me, they're no different than any contemporaneous soft rock band. Maybe it's because at one time, they were a cool jam rock band that wasted their talents by selling out in the 80s. While that may be the case however, I don't think that deserves our scorn, so much as our disinterest.

Sage: Now Peter Cetera on the other hand...Yeah that guy sucks out loud.

(Cut to: The video of the entry.)

'''#19 Glory of Love Peter Cetera'''

Peter: Tonight, is very clear

As we're both lying here.

(Cut to: Todd in his usual set up, understandably pissed off at the placement.)

Todd: Are you kidding me!? Only number 19?!

Sage: Oh, Todd, hey (Waves at him). Should've figured you would find a way to get in this video.

Todd: The hell is wrong with you?! This should be in the top ten, not just barely making the list at all!!

Sage: Alright, Todd, I know you hate this guy with a fiery passion, but I really don't get the anger here. I'm not saying this song is good, I'm saying this song sucks.

Todd: That's not good enough!

Sage: (Sighs) You know what? Fine. You obviously want this more than me, so, tell you what. If I let you have the floor and let you speak your mind about Peter Cetera and "Glory of Love" will you let me continue?

Todd: Gladly. (Clears his throat)

Todd (VO): First off, since this is Peter Cetera's first solo hit. This made possible all his other solo hits, so, really, "Glory of Love" didn't just give us one bad song. it gave us an entire career, of bad songs. You can call it every, Peter Cetera song rolled up into one, and if you actually did that, it would sound exactly like "Glory of Love", because every Peter Cetera song sounds exactly the fucking same! It's just this same, nauseatingly wretched sound, its just the same, soulless smarmy, noxious screeching whine that made a biblical plague on music.

Peter: I am a man

Who will fight

For your honor.

Todd: "I am a man who will fight for your honor?" Bullshit!

Todd (VO): You and your doofy perm and that stupid look on your face. Glory? What glory? Does this sound like glory to you? You could've named this song (Cut to a stock photo of a crying kid) "Glory of peeing your pants in Kindergarten", and it still wouldn't evoke enough glory for this situation!

Todd: You're not a man who would fight for honor! Your not a man who would fight, period! You're probably not even a man!! Cause I've never heard a human being that sounded like a goddamn auto tuned whale song!

Todd (VO): You know that this was the theme song to Karate Kid II? Like, this is your movie theme? Really?! You remember what the fight theme to the first one was? "You're the best around."

(Cut to the final battle of the first Karate Kid movie with said song playing in the background.)

Joe Esposito: You're the best

Around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down!!

Todd (VO): One of the greatest, 80s montage tunes in history. And, and what do they choose to follow with? Peter Goddamn Cetera!!

Todd: You know what? I blame Peter Cetera for why that movie was so boring! If that's your fight theme, no wonder Macchio couldn't even do the crane kick right anymore! "Do right no can defense" my ass!

Sage: Well, Todd. You're not wrong.

Todd: And?

Sage: (Beat): It's still my number 19.

(Todd then grunts in anger and frustration, as he basically says "Fuck it" and storms off)

(Interlude)

18
Sage (VO): Number 18

(Cut to: The music video for Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the rain".)

Milli Vanilli: Blame it on the rain.

Sage (VO): Yes, no "worst of" music list is complete without mentioning the biggest scam in American pop music. The most shocking thing about the whole Milli Vanilli debacle wasn't that they lip-synched all their songs, or that no one caught onto the fact that they sang in perfect American accents, yet talked like they just stepped out of a bad Hans and Frans sketch.

(Cut to: An interview with the two lead singers talking in heavy Germanic accents.)

Rob Pilatus: I feel great about it, everyday. I stand up, take a shower. I look outside on my balcony. And the view of Los Angeles and I thank god that, yeah, that we did it, you know?

Sage: No, the most shocking thing about Milli Vanilli? Is that their only American album went six times platinum. (The music in the background stops as Sage pauses). It dropped THREE number one hits. (Pause) You wish I was kidding.

Sage (VO): I could put all three hits on the list just for being outright lies, but this is supposed to be a list of quality, or lack thereof. And morality shouldn't figure too much into it. Luckily for me then, that all three singles are outright garbage.

Sage: Choosing only one of the three was, itself a challenge but, at the end of the day, one made its case.

Cut to: the video

'''#18 Baby Don't Forget my Number Milli Vanilli'''

Sage: Oh god, where do I even begin? (Pondering.) Well, I suppose the dorky outfits.

Sage (VO): I know this really doesn't have anything to do with the song proper, but what the fuck are they wearing. Lycra bike shorts and sports jackets?

Sage: Business up top. High school track meet on bottom.

Sage (VO): Perhaps their disjointed wardrobe is supposed to reflect the nature of the song because, it too, is a complete mess.

Milli Vanilli: So when you're in doubt and needing someone

Baby call the line

Call me anytime. (Baby)

I'll be there for you.

Sage: If anyone tells you that they miss the 80s. Point them to this song, and ask them if they still do.

Sage (VO): You've got to love the fact that the rap break down sounds less like a declaration of affection and more like a goddamn Chili's commercial. Besides the fact that "Baby Don't Forget My Number" is horribly dated, it also manages to cram every pet peeve of mine regarding songwriting into one chorus.

Sage: Stuttering lines.

Milli Vanilli: Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-baby

Sage: Forced Rhyming

Milli Vanilli: Don't forget my number.

Love is stronger than thunder.

Sage: And repetition.

Milli Vanilli: Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-baby

Don't forget my number

Sage: That thunder line still mystifies me. "Love is stronger than thunder." I don't see Zeus hurling out bolts of love from on high.

Sage (VO): Even though this song isn't on the list just because these two weren't the ones singing it, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor. Milli Vanilli were solely created for the image of hocking repackaged, flavorless pap to the masses. They're the purest example of the manufacturing of music and songwriting by committee. I don't hate this song because it's lame and horribly dated, I hate this song because it represents everything that was wrong with music, both of the time and today.

Sage: I like to think that everyone who bought this album, chucked it out of the car window when they found out these two were lip-synching. (Pause.) That was, until I read the YouTube comments.

(Cut to: A screen capture of a comment left on a Milli Vanilli video on YouTube. The person's username and avatar blurred out for identity protection, as the comment shows a long defense with no punctuation and capitalization whatsoever.)

Sage (VO): (Reading the comment in a deadpan voice and pronouncing the abbreviations by the individual letters instead of what the word is supposed to mean.) hey i love them they made great songs idk why ppl hated them after the scandal ppl do way worse things now in the music industry and get away with it rick ross for example the biggest hoax in hip hop but anyway i think they were set up

(Cut back to: Sage looking absolutely confounded over what he just read before it shows the famous clip from the Futurama episode "A Clockwork Origin".)

Professor Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

(Interlude)

17
Sage (VO): Number 17

(Cut to: The music video for One Direction's "Best song ever.)

1D: And we dance all night

To the best song ever.

Sage: Hey! Remember when boy bands were dead? (Beat) Those were good times.

Sage (VO): As a kid who grew up in the heyday of boy bands, it was unavoidable that a few of their Ear Worms would get caught in my head. If I ever had to listen to "Bye, Bye, Bye" again, there will be blood. I'm not going to blindly say that everyone of these groups sucked, but there's no denying the genre's average. And, let's face it, when you hear one group's pandering and insincere love song, you've heard them all.

Sage: But do you know what's worse than a boy band singing the exact same love song over and over? A boy band singing about how tough they are.

'''#18 Hangin' Tough New Kids on the Block'''

New Kids: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sage: PAH! (Breaks down laughing.) They're tough! Woo! That's a good one!

Sage (VO): New Kids on the Block trying to sell their street cred and how tough they are. I would have killed to be a fly on the wall during the writing of this one.

(Cut to: A boardroom skitch done by the Bad Call group*)

(Editor's note: I don't know the names of the actors involved, so if anyone could edit them in, I would appreciate it.)

Boss: Alright you big swinging marketing dicks, we've got five little douchebag kids never seen the rough side of sandpaper, let alone life. How do we sell them as badasses? Horse teeth hotness, go!

Female Executive: Have them sing about how rough they are.

New Kids: We're tough.

We're rough!

Boss: Direct approach, I like it. But we need a chorus, what are we doing for the chorus? Young Mr. Miyagi, go!

Male Executive: Have them moan over this song like they're passing a kidney stone, over and over again.

New Kids: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Female Executive: Are you crazy, man? There's no way our audience can put up with that.

Male Executive: Have you seen our audience? Prime cuts of jail bait. They cry at the mere sight of these guys. We could have them sing the alphabet, and these girls would eat it up.

Boss: My god you're right! Okay, let's get those five little fucktards in the booth and bang this one out. Somebody write me a check and suck, my, dick!!

(Both execs raise their hands rather enthusiastically)

Boss: (Pointing to the male executive) You first.

(The Male exec silently says "yes!" under his breath.)

Sage (VO): "Hangin' Tough" is not entirely the new kids fault, since no one could've sold this song and make it sound intimidating. But, they are certainly not helping at all. This song is Scrappy Doo personified.

(Cut to: a clip of one of the Scooby Doo shows showing Scrappy with his fists raised at a monster.)

Scrappy: Put 'em up, you test tube creepy!

Sage (VO): New Kids on the Block are so lame here, it's actually kind of sad. I wanna laugh at how they completely fail at selling themselves as tough, but all I can think of is how delusional these guys had to be.

Sage: The only way this song can be any worse is if the cast of Glee covered it.

(The show's promotional poster is then shown like a bad omen.)

Sage (VO): Don't, you, dare.

(Interlude)

16
Sage (VO): Number 16

(Cut to: A performance by the Beatles)

The Beatles: Oh, yeah, I

Tell you something.

I'll think you'll understand.

Sage: It's funny to me how the individual members of the most iconic band in rock history, each went on to have at least one Number One hit in their solo careers.

Sage (VO): Paul McCartney could say that he had the most successful solo career, along with his own band Wings, but most of his hits were just mushy pap that were more dull than anything else.

Sage: Still, don't get me wrong. Wings sucked.

Sage (VO): John Lennon went off into a different direction than Paul, but still could rightfully claim to a successful solo outing and had his fair share of chart success. Hell, even Ringo Starr had a Number One hit believe it or not.

Sage: That leaves us with the quiet one, George. Who, probably was the best musician of the group, but couldn't write lyrics worth a damn.

(Cut to: A montage of photos of a young George Harrison)

Sage (VO): When I was forming this list, I thought about putting, "My Sweet Lord" on here. An inane bit of religious fluff that starts with wanting to see Lord, and ends with wanting to see Lord.

George: I really want to see you

Really want to feel you here.

Really want to see you lord

But it takes so long my lord.

Sage: Also, I'd be remised to not mention the plagiarism case indicting George Harrison of copying The Chiffon's "He's so Fine."

(Cut to: The album cover for The Chiffons "One Fine Day.)

The Chiffons: He's so fine

(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)

Wish he were mine

(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)

Sage: Personally speaking. I think the entire 60s could sue itself for plagiarism. But, steering the conversation back on course, "Got My Mind Set on You" is godawful.

(Cut to: The music video)

'''#16 Got My Mind Set on You George Harrison'''

George: I've got my mind

Set on you

Got my mind

Set on you

But it's gonna take money.

Sage: I don't think I'm breaking any new ground by declaring this song sucks. There's been, thesis papers about how much this song sucks.

Sage (VO): And really, the reason why this song is awful is evident in the first 15 seconds. It's just that one line, pounded into your skull, over and over and over again. Like some kind of medieval torture device. It's not even bad in an interesting way, it's just tiring.

Sage: So, instead of retreading what the thousands before me have already said, I'll tell you something that you probably didn't know. This song is a cover.

(Cut to: the album cover for the original by James Ray as that plays)

James: I've got my mind

Set on you.

I've got my mind.

Set on you.

Sage: And you know what? The original ain't half bad.

Sage (VO): So, what's the difference between the two versions? Well, one, George Harrison's voice can't hold a candle to the presence that James Ray has here.

Sage: Secondly, and this is the most important one here. George Harrison cut out lyrics.

James: Everywhere I go you know

Bad luck follows me.

Everytime I fall in love

You know I'm left in misery.

Sage: So, basically, George Harrison turned a song about a lovelorn loser who won't let his romantic failures put him down. Into this.

George: I got my mind

Set on you.

I got my mind

Set on you

Sage: Had I known this was a cover back when I made my "Worst of Covers" list, this would've easily made the cut. Count yourself lucky, miss Baez.

Sage (VO): The only good thing to come out of this dreadfully misguided song is the video itself.

(It then plays the clip of some admittedly impressive dancing by someone who is obviously not George Harrison in any capacity.)

Sage: I love the fact that the video doesn't even attempt to try to hide the fact that that isn't George Harrison. And plus, how could I not make this reference?

(It then shows the clip of the stuffed animal heads on the wall lip-synching to the song with hilariously dated CGI before cutting to the clip from Evil Dead 2 of Ash dancing around with the stop motion room as he goes completely insane, all while the song is still playing in the background.)

Sage: (giggling) Wow. I cannot think of a more dissonant mix of video and sound. (Pause) Well...

(It then cuts to a montage of old footage of Hitler giving political speeches, all while "Movin on Up" from the Jefferson's plays in the background to the footage. It is both shockingly wrong and gut bustlingly funny at the same time.)

Sage: Hey, there's a reason why they call it "Godwin's LAW."

(Interlude)

15
Sage (VO): Number 15

Sage: As many of you have noticed, the presence of Rock on the pop charts have seen a steady decline. Now, a lot of people might point to one year as to when the decline started, but I can point to the exact day. Veteran's day, 2000. The week that Creed had a Number One hit.

(Cut to: The video in question.)

Scott Stapp: Well I just heard

The news today.

Sage: I weep for a nation's servicemen and women. (Beat) And for music in general.

Sage (VO): I was thoroughly disgusted with myself for having put this song so low on this list, because Creed is one of my most hated bands of all time. Creed, is my Nickelback.

Sage: Hell, I'd sooner come to Nickelback's defense before I dare lift a finger for Creed!

Sage (VO): And just like Chad Kroeger, Scott Stapp could demolish entire houses by his grating voice alone.

(Cut to: More of the video, eventually showing edited in text saying "I love the fact that Scott seems more annoyed at the meteors falling on him than anything else.)

Scott: We created life

With arms wide open

Out there in the sunlight.

Sage: Only Scott Stapp could take what's supposed to be a soaring chorus, and turn it into a death moan.

Sage (VO): Stapp always sounded to me like he was working a turd that's halfway to hitting the bowl, but it just won't budge.

Sage: (Imitating Scott's "singing" to the tune of the song in question)

I probably should

Have brought a book.

To keep my mind

Off this dump I took.

Sage (VO): Really, everything else about "With Arms Wide Open." is classic Creed. Hack lyrics. Uninspired guitar work. And more of that holier than thou preening bullshit.

Scott: That he can take this life

And hold it by the hand

And he can greet the world

With arms wide open.

Sage: This song was written when Scott Stapp found out that he was going to be a dad. Which means, his now 13 year old son is probably copping a teenage attitude over this.

Sage (VO): (In his standard whiny teenager voice) God dad, you wrote this lame song about me?! Why couldn't Rob Thomas be my dad?!

Sage: The only reason why this song isn't in the top 10 and, believe me, I had a time trying to keep it out of there. Is because I know that Creed can do so, much, worse!!

(Cut to: the video for "Higher")

Scott: Can you take

Me Higher?

(And the video for "My Sacrifice.")

Scott: When you are with me

I'm free.

Sage: Still, this is an awful goddamn song, regardless of how many turds the band Creed managed to shit out. We just happened to pick the turd with the least amount of corn in it to make popular.

(Interlude)