38

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 38 (July 26, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Osio! ''[unknown language; HELP! - ed.] ''Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen) [NOTE: starting this episode, the font is slightly different]: If a vampire goes into space where there is no sunrise or sunset, will it live or die?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. The answer is: "They live." / [indicates a jump cut] Actually, the moon has become a very popular vacation spot for vampires / because there's no time you need to get up or go to sleep. / In fact, the majority of astronauts are vampires. I bet you didn't know that. / (chuckle) That's why we keep making all those pointless missions into space. It's for the vampires. / And they reward us by giving us countless vampire spin-off stories that we can make fun of. / God bless Twilight. For the longest time, I started to take vampires seriously until THAT movie came along. / In fact, that's why the next movie is called New Moon... because they travel to it. / Unfoirtunately, they run out of oxygen and all die. / At least, that's MY version of what happens to those untalented pricks. / But will Hollywood ever listen? / They will if you threaten their children, / which I have. / And NOW, I have a movie deal. / (cut to a poster for Twilight 3 with That Guy's face posted over that of Robert Pattinson) (cut to That Guy nodding and smiling with raises eyebrows - a.k.a., "Creepy face #61") Narrator: Why do fools fall in love?

That Guy: Because intelligent people are too smart not to... (pauses) you fucking fool. / Yes.

Narrator: What do women on "The Flintsones" use as tampons?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Porcupines. / They're extremely painful but VERY absorbent. / Those scenes are often left on the cutting room floor on certain episodes. / They take the porcupine out of the cooch, / hold it up (holds up his left fist face-high; and, yes, another grammar error) to the camera as he says, / (with his hands to his sides as if to say... actually, he does say it;) "Well, it's a living!" / Except where it would often follow with the audience laughing, it would follow with the audience vomiting. / Have you ever heard an entire audience vomiting? / (looks up and smiles as we hear a lot of vomiting noises overdubbed; when they stop, he looks back at the camera) It doesn't sound very good on TV. (one last vomiting noise)

Narrator: What would happen if a lightsaber, which can cut through anything, collides with adamantium, which can also cut anything?

That Guy: Cunnilingus. / For some reason, every time a lightsaber collides with adamantium, two women somewhere perform cunnilingus. / You might be wondering, "Why would two women participate in such a strange practice under those circumstances?" / Well, seeing how their ancestors used to shove porcupines up their cooches, I'd say that'd mess up the species for a while. / Don't do drugs.

Narrator: Someone told me to get a life, but I already own the game of "Life". What else could this person mean?

That Guy: Well, isn't it obvious? Life cereal. / You remember those commercials with the two kids eating cereal. / And the one kid is like, "Give it to Mikey! He hates everything." / And then, Mikey tries it; and he's like, "Hey, Mikey, he likes it! He LIKES it!" / And then Captain Crunch comes in and sodomizes them all. / (looks up) Or perhaps that's just the way I remember it. / Good GOD, I really need to talk to someone. (his face changes slowly from smiling to one of worry)

Narrator: Why is coffee called a cup of Joe?

That Guy: Because that's what Cobra Command drinks every time they're thirsty. / You see, whenever they capture a Joe, they torture him extensively. / Then they melt down his body to a nice, thin liquid; / and they would offer it to anyone they could find. / Hence they would always use the phrase, "Would you like a cup of Joe?" / That's why when G.I. Joe ever [he said it wrong, I know - ed.] shouts, "Yo, JOE!" (does the G.I. Joe fistpump), / Cobra Command always responds with, "Yo, JOE! ...with cream and sugar." / (raises his eyebrows)

Narrator: I saw mommy snorting a white powder. What is it, and why is she doing it?

That Guy: I'll tell you what it is. IT'S MINE!! / (really up-close) And if she wants more of it, she'd better deliver the money by midnight tonight... / (kinda up-close) or else she's gonna have to make up another excuse about how she fell down the stairs and landed on another hot poker! / (normal position) Be a good lad and relay that to her, will you? / There's a good kid.

Narrator: Is there a monster under my bed?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) No. But there IS one in your closet. / Fortunately, most monsters who hide in the closet are NOT particularly scary. / They're usually very feminine in nature and wear a lot of designer clothes and often like to make out with other monsters with the same genitalia. / Now, the FEMALE monsters in your closet? Watch the fuck out! / From what I understand, they like to eat your carpet. / Now, THAT's just inconsiderate. What if you just had it put in?

Narrator: If you're supposed to make lemonade when life gives you lemons, what do you make when life gives you a dead hooker in your trunk?

That Guy: You make a phone call to me. / (walks up to camera) I know a guy who's very good. I can give you his number. / (back again) In fact, if you use him four times in a row, you get the fifth one free! / But DON'T go beyond 27; he really gets irritated after that.

Narrator: Got Milk?

That Guy: (chuckles) No. Just crabs! / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END

BLOOPER! That Guy: And then Captain Crunch comes in and sodomizes them all. / (out of character) Okay, what the hell is wrong with me? (starts to laugh as if he's embarrassed)