Atop the Fourth Wall: The Movie, Part 5

The Caelestis and Comicron-1 prepare to face off.

ANDERS

The enemy vessel will be entering firing range in one minute and twenty-five seconds.

ROMERO

Prepare all forward weapons banks. Ready the artifact should its power be called upon.

ANDERS

We are receiving a transmission.

ROMERO

Put it on screen.

It’s a message from Cinema Snob.

SNOB

Hi. I’m the Cinema Snob. You might remember me from…The Cinema Snob. And Black Angus!

ROMERO

State your intent.

SNOB

My intent is very simple. Have you ever heard of a little movie called Necromantic?

ROMERO

What?

SNOB

Well, it’s about this couple that steals a dead body and spends all their free time having sex with it! In one scene, there’s a dead body.

ROMERO

I do not understand.

SNOB

Well, speaking of fucking in weird ways, do you know that in Caligula, Malcolm McDowell improvised a scene where he put a flower in a guy’s ass after he fisted it?

ROMERO

I demand that you explain yourself.

SNOB

Oh, but I am. And speaking of Caligula, there’s this movie called Gestapo’s Last Orgy. It has an alternate title of Caligula Reincarnated as Hitler, even though it doesn’t have either Caligula or Hitler in it. But it does have Nazi cannibals, including this really tender, sensitive, romantic subplot between a Nazi and the woman that he’s torturing.

ROMERO

This conversation serves no purpo…

SNOB

Oh, and don’t even get me started on cannibals! There’s this other movie called Anthropophagus where the cannibal in the movie gets his stomach cut open, and then he takes a bite out of his own entrails. And much like Gestapo’s Last Orgy, both of them feature baby-eating.

ROMERO

Enough! What is the meaning of anything that you are saying?!

SNOB

What, isn’t it obvious by now? (chuckles) I’ve been distracting you this whole time.

They both notice a light blinking on the control panel.

LUPA

Now!

MARZGURL

Fire the forward lance!

Comicron-1 fires its laser, doing considerable damage.

ROMERO

Return fire!

The scout ship successfully dodges the shots. Cinema Snob sits back down next to Lupa.

LUPA

Okay. I think we might’ve pissed them off.

SNOB

You think I pissed them off? If we hadn’t have fired (sic), I was gonna start talking about Nukie.

ROMERO

Channel all remaining power from the artifact! We must destroy them!

The back of Comicron-1 takes a direct hit.

NIMUE

Warning: structural integrity compromised on levels five, six, and seven.

JOE

We take another hit like that and we’re goners.

MARZGURL

Increase power to the force wall! Lupa, Snob, is there any chance you can take the heat off of us for a minute?

SNOB

Aww, careful mentioning the heat, or I’m gonna start singin’ some Glenn Fry.

LUPA

We’re on it.

SNOB

The heat is on!

ROMERO

Move the ship around and target the smaller craft. The larger one should not be a…

Comicron-1 approaches the Caelestis head on.

MARZGURL

All weapons fire!

All weapons fire; all hit.

MARZGURL

Aft batteries, fire!

Comicron-1 fires red lasers, doing major damage.

ANDERS

The artifact is drained.

ROMERO

All power systems exhausted.

ANDERS

Structural integrity is compromised. The ship is buckling.

JOE

Our shields are down!

NIMUE

Warning: enemy vessel is about to explode.

MARZGURL

Teleport them into the brig.

The crew is beamed out just as the ship is destroyed.

---

Mechakara makes his way to Linkara, tossing pieces of skin onto the floor as he goes. His metal skull is now completely exposed.

Allen wipes his face with a towel.

LINKARA

How do you feel?

ALLEN

Crappy…in more ways than one. Where are we?

LINKARA

Europa.

ALLEN

Okay, clearly I missed a few things. How long was I out?

LINKARA

Actually, you were dead. Uh, there’s some sort of energy field around here that can repair damage to dead tissue.

ALLEN

Okay… Well, considering that new knowledge, I now feel significantly better…aside from what I assume is in my pants, which isn’t making me feel too great about the situation.

LINKARA

Don’t worry. In anticipation of this, I have prepared some pants.

He pulls a pair of striped pants out of nowhere.

ALLEN

Well, at least I maintain my dignity.

Linkara nods. Mechakara is heard nearby.

ALLEN

What was that?

LINKARA

Change your pants, grab a gun, and get ready.

ALLEN

What’s going on?

LINKARA

We’re trapped on an alien world armed with a magic gun and a gun that shoots bees. We’re about to fight a robot duplicate of me from another dimension.

ALLEN

You still review comic books, right?

LINKARA

Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Now wipe your ass and get ready.

The entire crew of Comicron-1 teleports into the base, prepared with weapons. Linkara puts his coat on again.

LINKARA

Guys, you’re all right! What happened to the Caelestis?

MARZGURL

Blown up, and the astronauts are under lock and key.

SNOB

Although some are a bit more dead than the others.

ALLEN

Well, the planet brought me back. Maybe whatever did that can bring them back as well.

SNOB

It’s worth a shot. Except some are a bit extra crispier than you were.

Mechakara is heard again.

LUPA

The hell was that?

LINKARA

That is the sound of something dark and terrible coming this way. That is the sound of boundless rage, and power to back it up. That is the sound of something that will not be satisfied until it stands over our pulverized remains. That is the sound of a monster.

JOE

Good!

Joe tosses away his gun and charges his lightning.

JOE

Let’s kill it!

SNOB

Uh…hey, guys…you sure you don’t just wanna get the hell outta here? Or…maybe you’d like to handle this yourself.

LINKARA

No. We’re all in this together.

Linkara and MarzGurl nod to each other. Everyone aims their weapons as Mechakara makes his way in. The door opens to reveal that the entirety of his steel skeleton is visible.

MECHAKARA

I shall paint these walls with your blood!

LINKARA

Yeah? Fuck you, too!

Everyone fires at once, except Nash who just kind of looks at everyone else. Mechakara collapses immediately. They pace around him cautiously.

MARZGURL

Was that it?

LUPA

Someone should probably go check if he’s actually dead.

SNOB

Not it.

NASH

Why would we do that? We have guns! Shoot him!

Joe picks up a gun.

JOE

I’m down with that.

LUPA

Light ‘em up!

They both fire at him repeatedly. Allen can’t seem to get his gun to work. However, Mechakara's shield adapts to their weapons and he gets back up. They aim their weapons again. He punches the ground, making the whole building shake. Then he aims his laser.

LINKARA

Scatter!

Everyone runs every which way before he fires. They fire from different locations; still no effect. Allen tries various buttons, but still can’t figure out how to fire.

ALLEN

No… God dammit!

He sees a box reading 'Black Pants (Men's)'.

ALLEN

…Hm.

Pollo attacks Mechakara from behind.

POLLO

You know what bugs me about you? You’ve actually got arms, yet you’re not satisfied with it. You’re just an asshole!

Mechakara punches him into some boxes. Joe gets closer to the cyborg, continuously shooting at him. It comes down to Joe’s lightning in the direct path of Mechakara’s own. Mechakara comes out victorious, tossing Joe aside.

ALLEN

I can’t figure this thing out!

LINKARA

It’s a gun that shoots duct tape. You have to switch off the safety.

Allen does so.

ALLEN

Huh. Wait, it shoots what?

The gun shoots duct tape, taping Mechakara to the wall just as he approaches the group.

NASH

Don’t worry! I’ll fix it!

He hits him with the mallet; it does nothing. Mechakara easily frees himself from the tape. Nash makes a run for it as he’s fired at.

90s KID

Dude, the guns aren’t workin’! He’s just adapting to them!

LUPA

We’re gonna need more boom than these things can give us. Say, you didn’t happen to program these with an overload setting, did you?

90s KID

No…but give me a minute.

He pulls out a screwdriver. Mechakara has taped a tube to his arm. Harvey runs out of bullets, so he tosses his gun aside and picks up Nash’s mallet.

HARVEY

Take this, you overgrown microwave!

He hits him from behind. It dents him, but Mechakara simply tries to strangle him. Nash sees what’s going on.

NASH

Ahh!

He sees Harvey’s cigarette discarded on the ground. Mechakara pins Harvey against a wall.

MECHAKARA

You look so much like him.

HARVEY

Why does everybody say that?!

NASH

Live, everybody!

He sticks the cigarette in Mechakara’s eye, distracting him and giving Harvey time to escape. However, the robot recovers quickly.

LINKARA

I just wanna say I’m very proud and honored to be fighting alongside all of you today.

MARZGURL

Thanks. Hope you’re having a happy birthday!

LINKARA

Ooh, now I am!

MARZGURL

Well, you know, I was gonna get you a Pokemon plushie, but I figured you’d appreciate this more.

LINKARA

Infinitely so!

A few shots damage Mechakara. He growls.

MARZGURL

Hm…sounds really angry.

LINKARA

Ooh, you think he sounds pissed now, wait until he realizes he’s going to lose!

A gun is thrown at Mechakara’s feet. It explodes, knocking him to the ground. ‘90s Kid and Lupa do a high-five thumbs up. The group approaches Mechakara to make sure he’s dead.

90s KID

I think we got him, dudes!

Mechakara punches his way through the boxes.

90s KID

Then again…

LINKARA

Round two, everybody! Get into positions!

They scatter again; MarzGurl and Cinema Snob briefly bump into each other. Mechakara gets up.

MARZGURL

You know, maybe we should get outta here. We’re throwing everything we’ve got at him, and it’s barely fazing him!

Linkara sees that some shots do hit him.

LINKARA

Some of our shots are getting through. But I thought he was adapting. He needs to see it coming! ‘90s Kid, another bomb! Do it!

‘90s Kid nods and configures his remaining gun.

LINKARA

Everyone gather up on me!

‘90s Kid sends out another bomb from behind; it knocks him back. Everyone gathers around Linkara.

LINKARA

All right. Everybody grab the shoulder of the person in front of you, forming up two lines behind me.

The others look confused.

LINKARA

Just do it!

They comply.

NASH

Why the hell are we doing this?

LINKARA

My gun is a magic gun. I’m going to need strength from all of you if I’m gonna pull this off.

Mechakara gets up. The magic gun is charged through everyone’s bodies.

LINKARA

We’re all in this together.

He fires a massive shot…and Mechakara dodges it.

SNOB

You missed.

LINKARA

I sure did.

The glowing ball of energy comes back around like a boomerang and hits Mechakara from behind, creating a massive explosion. However, he walks out of the flames, a naked metal skeleton. although clearly falling apart.

MECHAKARA

Die…must…kill…you…hate…you!

Linkara leaves the group to confront him head on.

LINKARA

You just don’t know when to die, do you?! You know, you were telling me earlier about how much better machines are, how flesh sucks and steel rules. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? You are an android, but me? I am a man!

He punches him hard, decapitating him. Linkara holds his fist in pain.

LINKARA

Ow!

Pollo emerges from a pile of boxes.

POLLO

I feel like a rainbow…

LINKARA

Well…that takes care of that. All in all, successful Monday.

The head lands in a corner of the room. Everyone seems to agree that that’s the last of him, except one.

SNOB

You know in action movies in the eighties and nineties, whenever the hero thinks that he’s killed the villain, it always ends with the villain opening his eyes and paving the way for a sequel.

Considering this, Lupa shoots at Mechakara repeatedly, narrowly missing Linkara. Snob claps.

SNOB

All right! I think that got it!

Everyone nods.

---

Later, the crew of the Caelestis are in the base with them, regaining their organic selves. Logan still appears to be dead. Romero examines her glasses.

ROMERO

You know, I miss the bionic vision.

LINKARA

Well, it might come back. According to the scans, it’s still in there. There’s just no visible sign of it anymore.

She puts them back on.

ROMERO

Well, do we know how long it will be ‘til Logan is healed?

LINKARA

Look, I gotta be honest: we don’t even know if it’ll help him. Yes, Allen was dead, but, well, his injuries were far less severe, and…

Logan immediately sits up, gasping for breath.

LINKARA

Well, there you go.

Linkara’s communicator beeps. He walks away. Anders pats Logan on the shoulder.

ANDERS

Welcome back. Come on, get up.

They both help him on his feet.

LOGAN

What…

ANDERS

Yeah. Come on. Walk it off. Just…walk it off.

Logan attaches the Post-It Note on him to Anders.

LINKARA

Go ahead.

On the ship, the crew is in the process of fixing up the remaining damages. Snob walks around with a tube in his mouth.

MARZGURL

We’re pretty much finished with repairs. We’re ready to bring you guys up.

LINKARA

Stand by. We’ll be up in a minute, after the astronaut finishes, um…healing.

ALLEN

Yeah. It’s a shame that the field here isn’t permanent. I’d figure that even you would be willing to ferry people up here for treatment.

LINKARA

Happily. Unfortunately, resurrecting the dead has pushed the field down pretty hard already. NIMUE says that the field has reduced its lifespan from about a year to two weeks if we’re lucky. Maybe we can do some good before it goes out, but until then, I’ll give you all the sensor data I have and, well, maybe it can be recreated.

ALLEN

You’re suddenly feeling very generous now, aren’t you, Linkara?

LINKARA

Well, a new attitude about living brings about a new attitude about a lot of things. Don’t expect me to give you any more technology than the bee gun, though.

ALLEN

I’m also taking the duct tape gun for myself. So, when you guys return to Earth, you finishing up your movie party.

LINKARA

Yep! But first, there’s something I have to take care of…

---

Linkara returns to his futon.

LINKARA

Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn!

---

THE END

Credits here

---

Close-up on Mechakara’s severed glove. It doesn’t seem to move…

---

The group sits around the TV with looks of shock and horror. Cinema Snob is grinning like a psycho.

SNOB

And that was Salo! Huh? (laughs)

He elbows Nash.