The Top 5 Worst Lyrics I've Ever Heard... (July 2013)

Hi! I'm the Rap Critic, and these are the top 5 worst lyrics I've ever heard… this month…

5. "I Got 5 on It" by Luniz

"I take sacks to the face whenever I can"

* chuckles* I'm sorry, but… I can't be the only person who thinks that sounds like he's saying that he enjoys taking, you know, smooth jazz lessons? Oh, also… *sample Wale episode* Balls

I mean, after listening to it again, I understand he's just talking about weed, but it's very easy to misconstrue something like that

4. "2nd Round K.O." by Canibus

Aw, man, I remember this song! This is the one where Canibus, an up and coming rapper of the late 90's, took on LL Cool J, an established act in HipHop, and back then, that was a bold move to do, so if you're gonna diss a legend, you'd better come correct in every single lyric!

You walk around showing off your body ‘cause it sells

Yeah, LL did do that a lot

"Mad at me cause I kick that shit real niggas feel While 99% of your fans wear high heels"

Oh snap!

"Well lemme tell you something: You May Have more cash than me

Get 'em!

"But you ain't got the skills..."

Yeah!

"...to eat a nigga's ass like me"

Yea-- what?

3. "You a Problem" by Trinidad James

"T-R-N-I-DAD!"

You just misspelled your own name… do you rappers ever LISTEN to your songs after you record them, or do you guys have such big egos that you just assume that there's no possible way you could have done anything wrong?

2. "Back In the Days" Missy Elliot feat. Jay-Z

So, in this song, Missy Elliot and Jay-Z reminisce on the late 80's and early 90's of Hip Hop, as Jay makes a couple clever play on word lyrics using rappers' names. But uh… one of them wasn't that clever

"I kill at will like solid water, dude"

Solid Water? Really?

"y'all niggas don't get it"

No, we got it

"Kill at Will?"

Yeah, we get it, it's just not funny

"Solid Water"

Yes, thank you

"Ice Cube"

You know, if feel the need to explain your joke, it's probably not that funny. And I know his delivery is a bit of a call-back to the Biggie Smalls lyric:

"If Faye (Biggie's wife) had twins, she'd probably have 2Pac's… get it… Two, Pacs?

But honestly… that joke didn't make much sense either. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if the woman I'm married to actually had sex with the person who publicly hates me? Hehe… Wait… I'm not sure who that joke is supposed to be making fun of..."

But going back to this lyric. It just sounds awkwardly shoved in here, and the stilted flow that throws in "dude" in the first line just so it can be rhymed with "Ice Cube" is just face-palm-worthy. The whole thing just sounds like this conversation took place afterwards:

Jay-Z: No, seriously, did you guys get it? Cause, like, "solid water" is the same thing as an ice cube, and, like, Ice cube is a rapper who did an album called Kill at Will!

Engineer: No, we got it

Jay-Z: I'm just saying', cause, like, nobody in the studio was laughing…

Engineer: It was just so funny, we forgot to, Jay…

Jay-Z: Oh, okay, I thought maybe there was a problem with the… hey!

1. "Numb" by Rihanna feat. Eminem

"IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB...

IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB...

IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB... IMGOINGNUMB..."

* Core shut down* Repetition is making brain too numb for lyrical analysiiiiiiiiiiii--

Eminem: "Do I look high?"

Oh hey, Eminem!

I'm the siren that you hear, I'm the butt police And I'm looking at your REAR, REAR, REAR!

Oh, no, it's the "desperately trying to be as funny as the old me" Eminem, circa Relapse

You know, hearing two lyrical masters like Jay-Z and Eminem saying lines this corny is kinda killing my sense of humor. I mean, this is so lame, I'm not sure I'll ever laugh again

"I take sacks to the face, whenever I can"

* snicker* Okay, nevermind...