Prometheus

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Prometheus."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

In space, no one can hear you-- Spoilers!

There's this spaceship called Prometheus.

And the people on it are like, "We think we found where the beginning of life came from!"

"Well, I know that! When a man and a woman love each other very, very much--"

"Yes, but who created that man and woman?"

"Another man and woman."

"Yes, but who created THAT man and--"

"Another man and woman--"

"They came from space!"

"Oh."

"And they're going to give the answers to why they created us."

"Really?"

"Of course not! The writers aren't strong or daring enough to think up an answer to that!"

"So why are we going?"

"Box office."

"HOORAY!"

So there's this android named David.

And he's a good guy working to help the crew.

Or is he? (Dramatic music sting) Actually, even by the end, we're not sure.

Hey, do you realize the androids names are Ash, Bishop, Cole and David? (pause) A, B, C, D!

Boy, whoever invented these robots is probably thinking to himself, "I hope if they ever tell the story of these things that they tell them in this order so that an amazing coincidence can happen!"

I think the next android should be Emilio Estevez!

Oh, wait, that's right, the 90's killed him.

So they go inside this alien ship, and they're like, "Boy, the designer of this place must've really liked H. R. Giger."

Wait a minute, H. R. Giger? That means there's a penis and/or vagina monster here!

(Mimics a vagina monster attacking and screams)

So the geeky guy and the bully guy, who are obviously just there to die... (pause) die.

And the android is like, "Ooh, that's a shame, Well, I'd better use some of their DNA to create more alien creatures and destroy the crew."

"But why?"

"Because my motivation is vague."

Oh, and Charlize Theron is also in the movie!

(Walks by) "I'm Charlize Theron, bye."

But then one of the scientists gets an alien inside of her.

And the scientist is like, "I need this machine to perform an abortion!"

"We're sorry. This machine is only designed for men."

"Okay, well, let's do the procedure that opens up my stomach and takes a living thing out of me."

"Oh, okay, men get that one all the time."

And she gives birth to a bouncing baby squid.

FROM HELL!

So she keeps it in the room where it won't get out, but then she discovers a horrifying secret.

The old man who sent them on the mission is on the ship!

By the way, Guy Pierce didn't age very well.

And he's there to see if the alien lifeforms can save his life!

Oh, and he's also Charlize Theron's father.

(Walks by) "You're my father, bye."

So the old guy goes to the last of these alien lifeforms.

Who sort of looks like a muscle-bound Voldemort.

And he's like, "Hook a brother up!" (Gets smacked down while yelling "Ouch!")

So the alien takes his ship and plans to go to Earth to destroy it.

But then the captain of the Prometheus is like, "Dude, I'm the black man in an 'Alien' movie, and we never make it out. I might as well sacrifice myself."

Kaboom!

So the ship is destroyed, and the only ones left are the scientist and the head of the android.

"Tell me, head of the android, why did it want to kill us?"

"I do not know, but the answers lie out there."

"Where?"

"In sequels."

"Away we go!"

(Waves) Ride onward, disappointing resolution!

But it turns out the alien locked in the room attacked the muscle-bound Voldemort.

And he gives birth to a bouncing baby hellspawn.

FROM HELL!

Wow, this explains so much!

In that nothing really directly connects to the beginning of "Alien."

But don't worry! I'm sure there'll be sequels!

And they'll...draw out and cocktease the answers probably as much as the Harry Potter films did.

"Harry Potter and the Prometheus Stone."

So I loved "Prometheus," even though it didn't really give me that many answers.

But it teaches a valuable lesson: When going to an alien world, don't open up anything that comes in a martini shaker.

I have to admit, I wouldn't be able to make that promise.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll pay them to give more answers! Be honest, the aliens are just Cthulu's sperm, aren't they?