Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Nostalgia Critic: (standing up) This is the shit!

So it starts off like something landed on the moon years ago!

(imitates landing sound effect)

And Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong had to go up there and see what it is!

(imitates Buzz) It's one small step for man, one giantly for more than VCR.

And then the (doorbell) 'xcuse me one moment. (NC heads for the door and picks up a letter) thank you. (heads back into the room and reads the letter) Apparently I'm being sued.

(we cut to a court room where Chester A. Bum and NC are sitting angrily)

(everybody sits down)

Zod: Court will come to order.

Chester: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jinimury.........THEIF!!

(NC is pissed off)

Chester: I think we all know how my reviews go, and that clearly, this CHARITON is stealing from them! Now I may be an old fashion Bum but in my day, when somebody was stealing something, it was in the best nature TO MAKE THAT BASTERD PAY!!

NC: Aw, come on, the Transformers Review was one of the first reviews I ever did, I was still discovering my idendity. I do that kind of review everytime a Transformer movie comes out, it's tradition.

Chester: YOU saw me mumbling that review to myself on the street and decided to steal it!

NC: Yeah, but I finally gave you a job doing all those reviews, didn't I? I mean, sure our styles were similar back them, but as time went on I discovered I was much more comfortable ripping off Lewis Black.

Chester: May I remind you, that YOU have not done a traditional Nostalgia Critic review in weeks?! Even this COURT ROOM scenario is just a clever way for you to be lazy!

NC: Hey, these green screens are hard.

Chester: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!

NC: Anyway, may I remind you that I did an Old vs. New of True Grit recently?

Chester: THOSE DON'T COUNT!! Anyway, everybody stopped listening to you after you said the new Karate Kid was better than the old!

NC: Hey, that wasn't even Pat Morita's accent!

Chester: May I also remind you? That this is not the first time you broke in your word. YOU guarenteed me that our search for the Necronama Cow was never going to be viewed by anybody!

NC: Hey hey. I haven't shown that footage to a soul. Except for parties, get-togethers, and the most probably DVD extra.

Chester: YOU STOLE MY ACT!

NC: I PUT MINE ONLINE FIRST!!!

Zod: (interupts) ORDER! Mr. Bum, would you care to act out how you would've done the review of Transformers 3?

Chester: Certainly (he goes to the front of the court) Ahem. Background please? (his Bum Reviews background drops in)

(NC is pissed off again)

Chester: Ahem, OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!

More the mix the SPOILERS!'

There's this moon landing that happened many years ago....

NC: Objection your honor! Nobody said he could use jump-cuts in this court! I ain't sure how he's doing it in real time anyway.

Zod: Over ruled!

(Chester continues)

Chester: That happened many years ago.

And apparently happened because a Transformer landed on their!

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!

I thought we always went up for it's cheese.

After all, weren't the first astronauts Wallace and Gremlin?

But NOPE! We went out there to get a Transformer!

But then we cut back to the same Wiki-Wiki who has a new girlfriend.

You know because the other one called the director Hitler.

That seems kinda rude.

ALL HE DOES IS BLOW STUFF UP AND KILL PEOPLE UNTIL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SURVIVE!

Oh! And apparently she didn't like posing like a whore.

Psh! Idiot!

But luckily, the British do!

So Wiki-Wiki is going out with his British girfriend.

Who may or may not be dating the schmuck from Enchanted.

But that dosen't matter! He's looking for a job!

But he dosen't want to find a job.

Fight on, brother.

He has more realistic goals in mine.

Like fighting with Transformers in an intergalactic battle.

I fought with Transformers in an intergalatic battle once!

We made Potato Head pay.

But Wiki-Wiki decides that he is going to get his way!

How, BY SCREAMING EVERY OTHER LINE!!!

(indescribable screaming)

HEY! Keep the idiotic shouting like a Simpleton down, would ya?!

That's for the audience to do.

So it turns out Optimus brings the scentino back to life.

And he's like

"We have to find these pillars in order to bring Cybertron back"

"But I thought Cybertron was kinda destroyed"

"It kinda sorta is but there's also kinda sorta Transformers in the moon"

"In the moon"

"Kinda sorta"

"Why are a bunch of Transformers stuck in the moon?"

"Don't ask me, I HAVE FACIAL HAIR!"

But then Optimus is like

"Wait, why would I wanna do this?"

"Oh, because I'm betraying you!"

"Well thats kinda sorta bad."

"Kinda"

"Sorta"

"DIE!!"

(gets punched) "Oof!"

So the scentino goes working for the Megatron.

And the both of them are like

"Get rid of the AutoBots or we will destroy the Earth!"

"And what if we don't?"

"Then we will destroy the Earth"

"Oh, yeah. Kinda missed that part"

So the people of Earth send the AutoBots in a rocket.

Because I'm sure that evil robots that took over a planet before are now getting ready and the only thing that could stop them would be totally trusted.

Alien Commander: IT'S A TRAP!!

Chester: Oh, zap!

So they launch to AutoBots into the air,

YAY!

But then the Scepticons blow them up

YAY! (explosion) AW!!

So then the Scepticons start blowing up the whole chunk of the earth,

and the plan to make Mankind their slaves.

I was a slave once!

But that's a boring story.

So it turns out the jerk from Enchanted is actually working for the Scepticons.

I guess they can call that a Scepticon Job! (Drum solo)

But it turns out the AutoBots weren't really destroyed!

"We're not really destroyed."

"But weren't you in the rocket?"

"Kinda sorta"

"I mean. didn't the people see you get on the rocket?"

"Kinda sorta"

"I mean what? Was there like a bunker that nobody saw you sneak into and then they just launch that think not knowing that nothing was on?"

"Kinda sorta, you wanna see a ship blow up?"

"Yes"

"Then shut it!"

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!

Bullets are flying! Explosions are hyping and buildings are falling apart!

That Michael Bay is really boarding is horizon.

AND THAT HE'S PUTTING MORE BROADS IN IT!

But then this giant mechanical tape worm starts circling the building.

And our heroes start falling out!

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

But then the AutoBots save them.

"I got ya!"

"Oh/"

"OH? What do you mean oh! We came out of nowhere and we expect we didn't save ya."

"Yeah. That's like the 12th time you've done it. We're starting to expect it."

"Oh, oh"

AND something weird in the middle of the action scenes. I think the camera starting blinking.

It was like

(he screams while the camera blinks)

DAAAAAAH!

(blink)

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

(blink)

AAAAAAAH!

(blink)

Monkey.

(blink)

AAAAAAAAAAH!

(blink)

That's a weird thing to do!

"It's okay. We'll play the inception music to make it look cool!"

Of course, the inception music. Fixes anything.

Kinda sorta.

So the bland chick goes over to Megatron.

And she's like

"Dude you shoukld totally kill the Satiner"

And he's like

(pause) "Okay!" Gunshot!

DAH!

But then Optimus Prime is like

"It's just you and me, Satiner"

BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Kaplunk.

HOORAY! SATINER'S DESTROYED THE MOVIE'S OVER!

Oh wait, there's still Megatron.

"It's just you and me, Megatron."'

BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Kaplunk.

HOORAY! NOW THE MOVIE'S OVER!

Oh, wait. There's always that generic speech he has to make at the end.

"America, freedom. It's good!"

HOORAY!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT! WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE! And then the music plays over and I say something witty usually under 5 seconds.

(cut back to court room)

Zod: It is the decision of the court that all overley Optimisic jump-cut reviews will be done by Chester A. Bum and no one else. (Chester feels happy) All rise........and (Cut to Zod as a judge) KNEEEEEEEEL!

(Chester and NC kneel)

THE END

Written, Edited and Performed by: Doug Walker

Thatguywiththeglasses.com