9

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 9 (July 18, 2008)

(That Guy is seen reading a book. He looks up and shuts it)

That Guy: Oh! Sieg Heil! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

(Title card comes up with music)

Narrator: Why is it called "The War of 1812" when the fighting technically started in 1811?

That Guy: That's a very good question. It's mostly for marketing reasons. "1811" doesn't have as much a punch as "1812". When we hear "1811" it's like "who gives a shit?". You hear "1812", you think lighting, warriors, gods of old, musclebound men shouting "THIS IS SPARTA!", or in this case, "THIS IS 1812!" So what if it's one year off? 1812 just sounds spazzier. SPAZZIER! Yes.

Narrator: MY PISS IS BLOOD RED! IS THAT BAD?

That Guy: Naaaah.

Narrator: If you don't answer my question, does it mean I didn't ask a stupid question? Does it make me smarter than you?

That Guy: Well, obviously, if you have to ask me, you're not smarter than me. You are a jackass. And you are even dumber for asking that question. Are you smarter? No. In fact, let me put this in light words that you can probably understand. This is you (does the walking motion with his left hand) and this is me! (holds up his pipe) Hand: Hey, am I smarter than you? Pipe: No, you are a complete jackass. Hand: Oh. I should go kill myself then. Pipe: Yes, yes you should. Would you like me to help you with that? Hand: OK! Pipe: Are you ready? Hand: I'm ready! (the pipe hangs the hand) Extraordinary! Yes.

Narrator: I am quite fond of two women at the moment. I believe I am caught in the casual friend zone with one, and the other, with whom I am closer to, may or may not be attached. My question to you is, which one should I focus my energies on? Or should I forget it and kill myself? Or should I continue to masturbate to their yearbook photos, and cry for hours afterwards? Or all three?

That Guy: Neither. (In deeper voice) You will send them to me!

Narrator: What are today's lottery numbers going to be?

That Guy: Very unpredictable. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying there's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (Winks and goes back to reading his book)