41

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 41 (October 4th, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! Szia! [informal Hungarian for "hello", pronounced "Zee-ya" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): How would you solve world hunger?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. And, fortunately, it has a very obvious answer: cannibalism. / [indicates a jump cut] Now, I know what you're saying: how will we decide who would eat WHO? / Well, obviously, since I came up with idea, I wouldn't be eaten; so (looks up as he says:) I'M out. / Logically, I think the wise thing would be... eat the hungry people. / I mean, they're the ones complaining about world hunger anyway; so, logcially, they should be the first to go! / (points mouthpiece at camera) If we eat the hungry people, there will no longer BE any hungry people. / Oh, and vegetarians because they don't eat meat; so, obviously, they're not gonna eat the poor people. So... (pauses) eat THEM. / And ALSO don't forget the mathematicians. / Why? Because I really hate those fuckers. / I guess they'll twice about failing me in eighth grade once I'm feeding on their corpses. / Yes.

Narrator: Why won't Bluto simply start eating spinach to defeat Popeye?

That Guy: (chuckles) Silly person. Popeye doesn't eat spinach; he eats steroids. / The spinach can is just a cover. / You see, he mixes the steroids, as well as a little bit of speed, INTO the spinach... / and then goes bat-shit crazy. / I think the REAL question is: how are we going to stop Popeye? (pauses) We can't. / That is unless we eat him. / Thus, that would be two problems in the world totally gone if we just start eating people. / Why won't anyone listen to me? / Because you're morons. / Tasty, delicious morons. / (slowly licks his teeth with his tongue while giving a leering look to the camera)

Narrator: Who the hell do you think you are?

That Guy: A penguin. (quick cut to a stuffed penguin held by Doug off-screen holding... something; back to That Guy) Nobody ever figures that out.

Narrator: Why don't chicken breasts have nipples?

That Guy: (chuckles) Because the chicken nipples are spearated from the chicken breasts. (pauses) Because they're the best part. / (leans in) Have you ever had a bucket of chicken nipples? / (licks and smacks his lips) Delicious. / (points mouthpiece at camera) ALMOST as tasty as man. / And again, if we just started eating humanity, all our problems would be solved. / I'm sorry I can't get off that. I... (looks off-screen, then back) guess I'm just hungry.

Narrator: How's life?

That Guy: Oh, God, let me tell you. I come in from work the other day; and, all of a sudden, like, my wife is there saying (in a mocking, feminine voice), "Oh, you never come back on time! You never come back on time!" And I'm just like, "You know what? Shut up, bitch! I got a lot of things to do, and you are NOT the first thing..." (dissolves and fades under this part) And then she's like, "I think you were seeing someone else!" And I'm like, "No! What are you talking about?" And she's like, "I KNOW his name is Jose. Don't act like you don't know who he is." And I'm just like, "Fine! But you know what? If I ever got some attention around here, maybe I'll..." (dissolves and fades under...') And then she starts crying and crying and crying. And I'm saying to myself, "What the hell can I do to make this better?" And she's still crying, and I'm just like, "You know what? Why don't we just eat Jose? And she's like, "What IS IT with you and EATING people? I mean do you have some kind of disease?" (dissolve & fade under...) And then the wizard's little fairy waved her magic wand, and she TURNED into a princess. (holds a few seconds, then looks up, then back) What the hell was I talking about?

Narrator: Uhh, how's life?

That Guy: Oh, God, let me tell you.... (exact repeat of before; after a few seconds, the narrator butts in)

Narrator: (frustrated and not on-screen) Jesus, NEXT question. (cuts to this, back on-screen) Can you tell us what is the most cruel torture you ever saw?

That Guy: Of course. (cut to a photo for a movie poster for Twilight, the first part; back to That Guy, with a horrified look, quivering and whispering:) Never again.

Narrator: Yes?

That Guy: No.

Narrator: No?

That Guy: Yes.

Narrator: Oh.

That Guy: Hamster jelly.

Narrator: Why does the drive-through ATM have braille on it?

That Guy: (scoffs) What are you, blind?

Narrator: Do you like chicken? Do you like liver? Do you want Meow Mix? If so, please deliver.

That Guy: (back to right and turn; he then gives his response just by saying "meow", as if actually talking. After a jump cut, more of the same where he counts off a few things too) / Meow. (as if he's saying, "Yes.")

Narrator: Why?

That Guy: Why? Because we LIKE you. (cut of a clip of the ending of the vintage Mickey Mouse Club, where all the mousketeers are gathered singing, "M-O-U-S... EEEEEE!; before the song ends, we see That Guy nodding his head and then giving a kiss to the camera) / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END