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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 33 (March 23, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Bok! [informal Croation for "hello"' - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): What is the worst way to die, and what is the best way to die?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Well, I would say that the WORST way to die is with your parents. / [indicates a jump cut] Because everything seems a million times worse with your parents. / They would probably be standing there, saying, "No! You're screaming wrong!" / "Are those really going to be your last words?" / "Don't die like that! Die like THIS; it's more manly." / "I should have left you in the garbage can I found you in." That kind of stuff. / Now, the BEST way to die? I would have to say that'd be with a million naked ladies. / (chuckle) It doesn't even matter HOW you die. As long as there's a million naked ladies there, it'll be alright. / Now, I KNOW what you're thinking: what if you're FEMALE? Well, in that case, the answer would be (pause) with a million naked ladies. / Because even though it wouldn't be the best death for YOU, it would absolutely be the best death for me. / Unless you're a lesbian, in which case, it would be even better. / (looks up) I'm such a perv.

Narrator: I am afraid of my mother. What should I do?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Have you tried not having a mother? / I know it sounds difficult, but I'm sure it can be done. / Maybe you could try giving yourself an immaculate conception. / Just like that fellow from years back. What was his name? Umm... (trying to remember) Fozzie! Fozzie Bear. / HE had an immaculate conception and so had absolutely NO mother to deal with. / Now, I KNOW what you're thinking: wasn't there an episode somewhere where Fozzie had to deal with his mother? / (holds still for a few seconds) Stop ruining my joke; it's funny.

Narrator: Why is it that you find asteroids in the hemisphere, but you find hemorrhoids in your ass?

That Guy: What am I, your mother? Read a book.

Narrator: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

That Guy: What do you mean, African swallow or European swallow?

Narrator: Uh...I don't know that. (not on-screen) WHOOOAAAAA!!! (We then see the caption card move out of screen. Cut to the clip that the joke is referencing - from Monty Python And The Holy Grail; only the card is completely covering up the guy getting thrown off the bridge into the bog. The Narrator is believed to be flung into mid-air. We cut to That Guy looking up at the sky and tracking "the Narrator" off to his left; cut to another superimposed Holy Grail scene with the same deal. Cut back to That Guy)

That Guy: He'll be back.

Narrator: (on-screen) How can I kill my-

That Guy: (interrupting) See?

Narrator: (off-screen) Yes. (cut to the next question) Very good. How can I kill my family and frame the cat?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Well, MY advice would be: kill your family, / cut them up into (cute voice) little itty-bitty pieces, / and then, blame The Cat In The Hat. / Because we all know what a sick motherfucker he is. / TRUE, there's that story where he go in the two kids' house and he brings all sorts of fun and games. / But that was only ONE house. / In every other house he went to, he slaughtered the lot. / They don't tell you that bit in the Dr. Seuss book. / Though, surprisingly, there was a version written. / (rhyming) He stabbed them repeatedly 'til they were dead then grabbed them together and juggled their heads. / It's a horrifying tale to listen to / (points pipe at the camera) and a great cover-up for your family slaughter. / Yes.

Narrator: I live in the middle of nowhere. Whenever I manage to get into civilization and around decent people, I exchange emails because it's the best way for me to get to know them... However, they never email me back. So my communist friend and I have decided to dictate and enslave the entire state. How should we punish them?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) A very common question. Well, there's always the traditional tarring-and-feathering, / burning them at the stake, / forcing them to watch Mind of Mencia... / But I think the BEST way to punish them would be... detention. / Because DETENTION SUCKS! / You have to sit there, doing nothing... / Or worse than nothing! They make you work on your homework. / And they won't even let you listen to your iPod! (almost tantrum-like) It TOTALLY BLOWS! / And then, cut off their private parts. (pauses) God, I have issues.

Narrator: If you could legally murder any celebrity, who would it be?

That Guy: Jesus. / Because he'll just come back again anyway. / (chuckle) I remember the first time he came back from the grave. / He went up to Pontius Pilate and said, (in a deep, frat-boy-style voice) "SUCKAAAA!" / Thus, Pontius Pilate sicced his guards on him; / and it became a chase scene right out of Benny Hill. / (cut to a series of shots of That Guy running fast around the set, almost like he's driving, all sped-up and accompanied by "Yakety Sax", the Benny Hill theme. There's also a shot where he briefly leans in and out of the shot from screen right.) / (back to normal with piano music returning, looking up) HI-LARIOUS. (pronounced "hye-larious") / And religiously educational. / (gives a smooch to the camera)

Narrator: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

That Guy: Mapquest it. (touches his forehead with his left hand as if to say, "Duh!")

Narrator: Which weighs more: a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

That Guy: (chuckles) This is a common question used to try to fool people up. (pauses) It's so obviously a ton of bricks. / Bricks are heavier; and, therefore, they shall weigh more. / (chuckle) Anyone who believes that a ton of feathers would weigh more... is stupid. / The only thing stupider would be believing that they BOTH weigh the same. / (looks up) HOW IDIOTIC would THAT be? (pauses) Very.

Narrator: How many fingers am I holding up right now?

That Guy: I don't know. Is it the same number as me? (as he says this, his right hand disappears and then returns giving us "the finger") / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END