This Is All YOUR Fault (Yet Again)

(Nash is in his room reading the newspaper when he hears a ribbit and a splat. He looks up wondering what that was before going back to his paper. A couple more ribbits and splats are heard. He goes outside and sees the bright blue sky has turned blood red, and it's raining frogs. He goes back to his room and sits down, pulling the mike close)

Nash: It's viewer submission time, isn't it?

(He mouths "fuck," then we do the opening)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Once again it seems it's time to dig into the mailbag and do an episode devoted to all of the horrible, terrible, awful stories you send me. And while I should be on my way to see a licensed therapist to enable me to cope and continue functioning in regular society, thanks to the blood red skies and the mountain of dead frogs outside, I appear to be trapped indoors. As a result, looks like I'm stuck doing this episode. I invite you all to die in a fire. Now this is normally where I elaborate on the theme of the week, but that doesn't apply here, so it's time for another Great Moment in Stupid History.

(We come to our cartoon, "Great Moments In Stupid History")

Nash (vo): Once upon a time, England was at war with France. And during the Napoleonic Wars of the early 19th century, legend has it a ship wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. When the remains washed on shore, the only survivor of the downed vessel was, (a shot of a beach) I shit you not, a monkey. (a monkey is added to the beach) Not only a monkey, but a monkey dressed in a military uniform. (a tricorner hat is put on the monkey) Presumably because the French are...(picture of Benzaie) weird. (three Stick Boys are looking at the monkey) The locals happened upon the monkey and, again, not making this up, because none of them knew what the French actually looked like, (one Stick Boy has a thought bubble pop up) they decided said monkey was actually a French spy. (in the thought bubble, it goes monkey + France = Black Spy from Spy vs. Spy) They held an impromptu trial right there on the beach and since monkeys can't respond to questioning, it was found guilty and hanged. (the Stick Boys are cheering while the monkey is swinging on a noose, x's for eyes) Now the veracity of this story is kind of sketchy, but what isn't sketchy is the fact Hartlepool has embraced the legend so fiercely that the mascot of Hartlepool United is, you guessed it, a monkey named H'Angus. The fact is that even though no one knows if this actually happened or not, people from Hartlepool to this day are referred to as "monkey hangers," and moreover, are proud of this nickname. (Stick Boy is shown waving a Hartlepool flag excitedly while a crowd cheers him. In his other hand is the pole that has the monkey hung on it) Nothing like an age old legend of animal cruelty and overwrought nationalism to put your town on the map.

Nash: So, now that I've endangered my life by calling out a British football team, it's time to jump into the gaping maw of awful that you've sent me. Valerie Cooper and numerous others sent us our first story from Minneapolis, Minnesota, where a mother was arrested for simply mailing her son a present. Okay, it was less the mailing and more the fact the present was whimpering.

(The report is titled "Woman Arrested for Trying to Send Puppy Through the Mail")

Nash (vo): From the you-have-got-to-be-shitting-me department comes 39-year old Stacy Champion who, authorities say, attempted to send a four month old puppy, from Minnesota to her son in Georgia, through the mail. You know, I bet I know who her son is.

(Cut to a clip of UHF as Raul prepares to make a poodle fly)

Raul: Here we go. Get ready...and fly! (he tosses a poodle out a window which barks all the way down till it hits the ground) Aw, man!

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): But if that's not a big enough pile of crazy coated crazy, after Champion was charged with animal cruelty, not only did she attempt to get the puppy back from Animal Services, she demanded a refund for the $22 postage.

Nash: Lady, no! No no! No nay never! I say thee, nay! Okay, well she should probably get the postage back because they didn't ship anything and that'd be kind of wrong, but no puppy! If you have reached the age of 39 and you don't comprehend that putting a puppy in a mailbox might not be the sharpest of ideas, you don't deserve to be able to care for a whiffleball, much less a puppy! My only hope is that PETA will find out about this story, cause I can think of no better punishment than spending a lifetime than being pestered by those arrogant dickholes. And if you thought we were done with animal cruelty, you don't know my audience. Our next story was sent in by R. L. King, Alan Vaughn and Brie LaFond, and demonstrates that crime is serious bidness.