Star Wars Holiday Special

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it-

''NC suddenly rises from his chair and starts running out of the house as though someone is chasing after him. He falls down in his doorsteps and pants.''

NC: I can't escape it, can't I? I have to go through with it, don't I?

He sobs.

NC: Alright, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special.

''Footage of Star Wars Holiday Special ''

NC (voiceover): The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas Special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it; no. They actually got whole freaking casts: Harrison Ford; Carrie Fisher; James Earl Jones. And not only that, it has guest stars! Like Art Carney, Harney Korman and Bea Arthur. Because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think they are in it. This special has never reaired to this date when George Lucas has apparantly gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it.

NC: So just to recap, this is the guy who said this (Jar Jar Binks) is OK and this (Howard The Duck) is OK, which means that this (Star wars holiday special) is the project that he was personally ashamed of'''. Let me go over that again. OK (Jar Jar Binks), OK (Howard The Dcuk), personally ashamed of '''(Star Wars holiday special)

NC: There are none of toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But spirit of Christman, I feel like owe to you to give the audience a gift to review this hateness special.

A few moments of silence.

NC: Begin!

NC (voiceover): So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting off the stock footage from the first movie, as they try to make clear from the battle.

Han Solo: I'll get you back there in time now, trust me.

Chewbacca growls

Han Solo: Just sit there. You'd be celebrating Life Day before you know it!

NC: Life what?

Han Solo: You'd be celebrating Life Day before you know it!

NC: Life Day? What the hell is Life Day?

NC (voiceover): Yeah, perhaps I should have rephrase the title a little bit. It is not much a Christmas special,it is actually a Holiday Special. Christmas is not even mentioned. Instead, we have a Wookie holiday known as Life Day. A holiday probably invented by Ja Wa advertisers to make more money.

NC (voiceover): We then cut to a beautiful mad painting where Cewbacca's family lives. A small child Wookie appears

NC: why who's that cute little hunk of armpit hair? I am guessing it's Chewbacca's son. But it's sort of hard to tell, considering that they never speak English!

Scenes of Wookies in their house and roaring sounds they make continues.

NC (voiceover): Oh my god. We'll gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you got Chewbacca's roar annoying at that time, try the fucking choir of it!

Roaring sounds of Wookies continues although we cut to NC.

NC: Well, I do believe that, yeah. My ears are ringing. Thank you. Five minutes in, earing ringing. Thank you.

NC (voiceover): How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS! It's bad enough we have to listen to their belging their lives, but we don't even understand what they are saying! A subtitle presumablely made by NC appears in the bottom of the screen.

Wookie #1: Junior! Come over here and eat your yak testicles!

Wookie #2: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted!

Wookie #1: You were adopted! You're just a Sand Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination!

NC (voiceover): Seriously, it's like watching a Wookie Reality Show! Where's the lasers? Where are the star ships? Is the hairball only thing we are gonna get?

NC (voiceover): What do you think the script for this look like? Do you think it actually explains anymore of what's going on?

NC: Believe it or not, I actually have the copy of the screenplay right here! Let's see what it says.

''We see NC reading a random page of the script. On the script we can see the following, and this goes on for the rest of the page.''

Wookie #1: Roar!

Wookie #2: Roar!

Wookie #1: Roar!

Wookie #2: Roar!

NC closes the script and roars: DO SOMETHING!

''Two Wookies sits in front of a table. A small colorful hologram figures appear and dance on the table.''

NC (voiceover): OK, what's this? All right, we're halfway there, special. You're in fact doing someting. But how about something that actually makes sense? Whoa! who's doing the 69 assualt there?

The dancing parade of the figures on the table goes on.

NC (voiceover, sighing): I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels.

NC (voiceover): If you are following the story OK, trust me, I know you are, we learn that they have to contact Luke Skywalker to find out what's taking Chewbacca so long

Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there, yet. That it?

NC: Wow, when did Luke Skywalker suddenly turned into a Ken doll?

NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! He looks like a store manikin. What, the twelve year old cowboy look was just in at that time? Luke Skywalker: He has left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're overdue!

NC (voiceover, mimicking Luke Skywalker): Wow that just perms my hair!

Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't worry. Chewie's not gonna want to come to a house with long faces, is he? C'mon. let's see a little smile. NC frowns in disgust.

Luke Skywalker: Come on! OK. That's better

NC: OK. Wookies smiling should be outlawed.

NC (voiceover): So one of the Wookies, I guess, turns on a cooking show where we see oh my god!

A very weird looking Cooking show woman: Wonderful! Just taste that...

NC: Harvey Korman, no!

NC (voiceover): Who the hell designed that thing? He looks like a mix between of Cinderella's stepmother and the robot maid from the Jacksons!

Cooking show woman: So whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir! Whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir!

NC's head rotates as he sees the cooking show woman repeating "Whip, stir" over and over again.

Cooking Show Woman: Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir!

NC covers his head with his arms and starts to be hysterical.

Cooking Show Woman's "Whip, stir!" continues as NC becomes more hysterical and is unable to take this any longer.

Cooking Show Woman: Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir! WOW!

NC: ENOUGH! God damn enough! What the fuck! HOW is this an entertainment? For what age it was intended? Ages from 10 to 1?

We cut to the scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca in the middle of the battle.

NC (voiceover): No! Please! Go back to the cooking! I don't want to see all these Sci-Fi action! I want to see how the fucking dinner turns out!

Chewbacca growls.

Han Solo: You can say that again. One life day and soon we all forget.

NC (voiceover): Have you ever noticed that they actually do not acknowledge what the life day is? I mean, I guess ti's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history? How long has it been around? It is much about holiday special, but you don't explain the god damn holiday!

NC (voiceover): Oh good! We're back to the Wookies. that was about 1, or 20 seconds of action you saw that? You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking doginesses all day. Yeah, But the dialog is still riveting.