Devil

(After the Nostalgiaween Opening 2013, we come upon the Nostalgia Critic pressing the down button for an elevator. Inside the elevator are Rita Repulsa played by Rachel Tietz, Santa Christ played by Rob Walker and Satan played by Malcolm Ray)

NC: This seems like a randomly colorful group of characters to randomly be on an elevator with..!

(Suddenly the power goes out)

Satan: Oh, grapenuts...

(The power comes back on, followed by a voice on the intercom, voiced by Malcolm)

Voice: This is Goit Forman, your elevator-

SC: Hi, Goit!

(A panel on the elevator console blinking DON'T PANIC is shown)

Goit: ...Uh, hi. Listen, your elevator seems to be stuck. You folks sit tight and we'll have you out in a minute.

Rita: (still dubbed by Doug Walker) Well great! Now what do we do?

NC: Anybody got any stories?

Rita: I do! It's about how I plan to take over the world with one monster at a time instead of building an army of them! And how I was embarassingly defeated by the martial arts version of Glee! And then how-

NC: Santa Christ! You must have some interesting tales!

SC: Well I did write a screenplay.

(The NC and Satan look interested)

Satan: You wrote a screenplay?

SC: Yeah, I write every morning at Starbucks. Have to justify that rewards card somehow.

(Everyone looks interested. The NC nods approvingly)

SC: It's about a group of people trapped on an elevator!

NC (sarcastic): Oh I love it already...

SC: But one of them is a killer!

(NC and Satan suddenly look interested again)

NC (curious): Yeah?

SC: And, well, the power is faulty. So everytime the lights go out, the killer strikes!

Satan: Yeah?

SC: So basically the race is on. To rescue a group of claustrophobic people trapped in an elevator before the lights go out again and the killer picks them off! One (jabs at the NC) by one (jabs again).

Rita: Yeah?

SC: And the twist is...........IT'S CTHULHU!

(The dramatic music since SC mentioning the faulty power cuts off as he reveals the twist, everyone gives a disappointed sigh)

NC: Okay that's REALLY dumb! You had this genius idea for a setup...

Satan: ...Building suspense and drama...

Rita: ...Downright Hitchcockian!

NC: Then you fuck it all up for having something supernatural for no reason!

SC (saddened): But people love Cthulhu...

Rita: It doesn't matter if people love Cthulhu, it doesn't fit into the story!

Goit (voice): And besides, it don't matter, they already did something like that in M. Night Shyamalan movie, "Devil".

(Suddenly, the theme for the movie Devil starts playing, on the screen, static appears with a hiss before we see the title card for the film Devil)

(Clips from the movie play as Goit talks about the film)

Goit (Voice): While Shyamalan only worked on the Story. It has his fingerprints all over it. It's got the hokey acting, the hokey writing, the hokey twist, it's got every hokey thing except the hokey pokey!

Satan: But to his credit, he does represent my work well!

NC: Oh really? The guy who couldn't represent a Nickelodeon cartoon represents the most evil demonic force on Earth?

Goit: Hey! I got an idea! While we're working on getting you out, why don't we play the movie to keep you entertained?

NC, SC and Rita: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Goit: Uh, I'm sorry, you cut out there, could you say that again?

NC, SC and Rita: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Goit: Still didn't get it. Tell you what, go ahead and watch the movie until we figure out a way to get you out!

(Everyone but Satan sighs, Satan looks happy to see the movie)

NC: I guess this is Devil!

Satan: It's really not that bad...

(We see the logo of the Night Chronicles)

NC (Voice): So our film begins with a logo that reads Night Chronicles and then the Number 1................Eh?

SC: Oh yeah! I remember this. This was the first of a series of films that Shyamalan was supposed to work on.

Satan: Why aren't there more?

(SC looks annoyed)

SC: Because the first one was "Devil"!

Everyone but SC: Ooooohh!

NC: And because Shyamalan can never start a movie without some important looking text..........Here's some important looking text!

(We see some text appear on screen saying: "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour", after a short pause, more text appears below it: Peter 5:8)

NC: Ah now this is especially essential. Without it, I don't think we could draw the conculsion that the Devil is bad!

Satan: Really? All these years and that's never come across?! I need to make more Republicans.

(We see some water as opening credits play)

NC: And just listen to how the music tries to scare you into what I guess is supposed to be a big reveal.

(The music booms with suspense as we see a city, upside-down)

NC: Oh my god, everything's UPSIDE DOWN! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

(The camera passes by an upside-down blue suspension bridge)

NC: Oh the possibilities this suggests... Like the film projectionist passed out when he loaded the film reel.

(We see granite floor as the Critic narrates)

NC (vo): We start with an opening narration from a security guard that once again reassuring us that the Devil sucks.

Ramirez (portrayed by Jacob Vargas): My mothers' story would always begin the same way. With a suicide paving the way for the Devil's arrival. And it would always end with the deaths of all those trapped.

(We see a janitor {played by Ruby Webb} glossing the floor with a box van parked behind him when a man slams into the back of it, smashing it)

NC (vo): And so went the financier of the Last Airbender movie. (We cut to a scene in a bar with Detective Bowden (played by Chris Messina) and the character's AA sponsor.)

Sponsor: You know the main reason why people go back to drinking?

Bowden: The Eagles?

Sponsor: Resentment.

NC: We then cut to Detective Bowden having a cup of coffee with his AA sponsor.

Sponsor: You may need to finally start believing in something greater than yourself.

Bowden: But I only think about the guy that killed my family. I have a hard time believing in much of anything.

NC (vo): Oh God, are we in another Stephen King story? I mean, the lead is a recovering drunk who will partake in a lame supernatural resolution, it is pretty damn similar!

Markowitz: Hey. Got a good one for you.

NC (vo): But they discover the truck that the man cannonballed into earlier and try to figure out what happened.

Bowden: Truck wasn't here when he made impact. Must have rolled. Your guy jumped from that building.

Markowitz: What, your dead guy turn the corner over here?

Bowden: These things are made to bounce trucks off.

NC (vo): Well, thank god nobody on a busy street reported a bread truck with a dead guy embedded on it like Wile E. Coyote with a driver who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth rolling backwards into oncoming traffic bouncing off cemet blocks into a parking lot of somebody's store. Maybe they just thought it was the (picture of a truck with a dead guy on top with the caption) "bread truck with a dead guy embedded on it like Wile E. Coyote with a driver who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth rolling backwards into oncoming traffic bouncing off cemet blocks into a parking lot of somebody's store men."

SC: Oh hey, you got those in your town, too?

(NC looks him quite confused)

(Two guards are arguing)

White Guard: Just get on the damned elevator.

NC (vo): (as white guard) And I do mean "damned elevator." (thunder cracks as he lets out an evil laugh)

Tony: Can you hold that?

Vince: I'm sorry. (he reaches for the door close button, but Tony puts his hand in the doorway, opening it up)

Tony: Thanks for your help.

Vince: Don't mention it.

NC (vo): So let's do a checklist of our clichéd characters. (Each character gets a shot and a checklist next to them. First Vince) Awkward Asshole: check. (Jane) Crabby Old Lady: check. (Ben) Tough Black Guy: check. (Sarah) Generic Good Looking Woman with Little to No Personality: check. (Tony) Generic Good Looking Guy with Little to No Personality: check.

Rita: All that's missing is the spiritually sensitive Hispanic person.

(Cut to Ramirez)

Ramirez: Deus Santa Maria.*


 * I may not have gotten that line

(The group cheers)

Rita: Now we can get this party started. (and she smacks SC with her hair, knocking his hat off)

(The elevator comes to a stop)

NC (vo): Alright, everybody stay calm: it's probably the devil.

Ben: Aw come on, man...

Ramirez: Hey, why's elevator 6 in inspection mode?

Lustig: Huh?

Ramirez: Elevator 6.

(Lustig looks at the monitor)

Lustig: Hm, full house. Two queens, three jacks.

(The rest of the group is confused)

SC: ...Who says that?!?

Lustig: Yo, Dwight, you got a problem?

Dwight: Tell me about it. I'm already up on 35 fixing it.

Lustig: The elevator?

Dwight: No, the broken window.

NC (vo): Yeah, I'm guessing either lightning struck it, a person jumped, or it spontaneously exploded onto the street. Either way, I don't think it's worth calling the police over.

(A large shard of glass flies to the ground. Bowden pushes Markowitz out of the way as it crashes down)

NC (vo): (as Dwight) Oh hey, is that the police down there? Don't worry, not needed.

Bowden: You might wanna secure that better.

Gus: Okay, okay.

NC (vo): The speakers are buster, so only the security team can talk to them and not they to the security team. This gives obvious jackass (Vince) plenty of time to be an obvious jackass.

Vince: Well, at least we got tunes. (singing) "Bum,bum,bum Don't sit under that apple tree with anyone else but me..." Come on grandma, you know the words. "Anyone else but me..."

Sarah (offscreen): Don't be a jerk...

NC (vo): (as Vince) Hey, come on! You tried to make dialog in a Shyamalan film sound natural!

Vince: (laughing) Okay, I was just joking, I'm joking.

NC (vo): Things don't help when we find out our security temp is claustrophobic, the maintenance guy can't fixing the problem, and Awkward McJerkoff still needs to convince us that he can play a good asshole.

Vince: When we get out of here, (gives Jane his card) you're gonna need a good rest.

Jane: (Reads the card) "Mattress Mania"?

Vince: That's us. Everybody's had their mattress too long. Am I right? You didn't follow that advice about flipping it every few months.

NC (vo): (as Vince) I also go door to door selling cars, life insurance and any religion your not a part of. Have I mentioned I'm the obnoxious guy?

Vince: You don't have to be as well-off as this one. (pointing to Sarah)

Sarah: I'm not that well-off.

Vince: What makes me good at selling mattresses is I can look at a person's clothes and know exactly how much they can afford to spend. And you, lady, you're no Super Sleeper.

NC (vo): (as Vince) I've also learn how to be as charming as cactus on your gallbladder. With that said, might my humbleness interest you in a mattress? ...I'm the obnoxious guy!

(Lights starts flicking in the elevator)

Jane: Oh...

NC (vo): The light starts to flicker, until it's totally dark. When they come back on, we see someone bit off a little more than they could chew.

(On lifting Sarah's shirt reveals that there was a huge bite wound on her back.)

Jane: What in the world...?!

Sarah: It feels like something bit me!

NC (vo): So wait, the Devil BITES people?

(Rita, SC, and NC looks suspiciously towards Satan)

Satan: ...It was an awkward phase!

(They still look suspicious)

Satan: Sometimes I tried less seductive ways and just try biting them... Every once in a while!

Rita: (points to him) You have issues!

Satan: I'M THE DEVIL!

Sarah: You think this is a bite?

Ben: No, nobody got bit. What else could have done that?

NC (vo): Oh, I think I get it. Maybe instead of the Devil being the traditional devil we always think of, maybe it was always this guy (Shows the poster of the movie with Taz from Loony Tunes on it) the entire time. (We hear sounds made by Taz)

Lustig: Oh, my God.

Ramirez: Whoa!

Lustig: Okay, we gotta call the police.

NC (vo): So they only now call the cops, strange seeing how they know someone jumped from the building so you would assumed that they'll be there already, and decided to check out the scene.

Bowden: 333 Locust Street gotta be right around...

(Sees the number 333 in the building)

NC (vo): Why is it 333 instead of the obvious 666? Well, seeing how Shyamalan only did thew story, maybe it counts for half evil! (shows text "No Shyamalan = Half the Evil")

NC (vo): So, while they wait for the cops, our Hispanic Guard thinks he saw something in the video footage.

(Ramirez pauses the footage)

Lustig: Okay.

Ramirez: You see it?

(Sees some sort of strange luminous face)

Lustig: That's just grain in the image. That's, you know, it's a mistake. It's like when people see Jesus in a pancake or something.

Ramirez: No. (Starts speaking in Spanish)

NC (vo): So, the Devil show off head shots in security cameras?

(Rita, SC, and NC looks suspiciously towards Satan, again)

Satan: ...It's not uncommon! ...I have a pretty profile. You should have seen the ones I used in the "Paranormal Activity" movies!

(Shows a clip in which a teenage girl talking to her camera in the dark.)

Girl: Help me!

(A shout scream is heard as she is pulled back, sees static and cuts to black. Then we see Satan posing 4 times with some bright background and some flute music. Then we see the girl running with the camera.)

Girl: Mom, Dad, Help Me!

NC (vo): The light go out again, only this time a mirror breaks and one of the shards flies into Mr. Asshead. And to be fair, he is going out like with his performance: a pain in the fucking neck!

Bowden: (on his radio) 602, we have a possible 187, I need backup.

NC (vo): So, of course only one logical explanation for all this.

Ramirez: You must consider that one of those people might be the Devil.

NC: Really? Just like that, Devil? Or, not leaving open for more plausible opinions like (shows pictures of...) the Great Pumpkin or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bowden: Is this guy for real?

Ramirez: Where I come from, we call it "The Devil's Meeting".

NC (vo): But that's nothing, what proof does he have that the Devil is near? Oh, turn up the volume for this one. Maximize the frame, draw all your attention to the screen.

NC: Get close, get close. (draws Rita, SC and Satan to the screen) Really get close. This have to be seem and heard in the up most clarity to be believed. Okay movie, what's your proof?

(Remirez holds up a toast with jelly on it, tosses it and lands jelly side down)

Lustig: What are you doing?

Ramirez: Oh! When he's near, toast falls jelly-side down.

(SC hangs his head in shame. Rita and Satan look down)

NC: YES. You just saw that!

NC (vo): The absolute proof to show that the Devil is near is taking a piece of toast, putting jelly on it, tossing it up in the air, seeing if it lands jelly side down!

NC: ...With all due respect, writers, creators, makers of this movie...(pause) did you drink as a fetus?

NC: (vo) I don't know how you would accomplish that, but it's the only way I can comprehend writing this spectacularly stupid! Jelly-side down equals Devil; are you fucking kidding me?! Is this a tested method? One that's really valuable? Is the method (A picture of St. Peter's Church) the Vatican uses? (Picture of Pope Benedict) Do religious leaders all come together to test the devil's arrival with pastry goods?

(We cut to a break room with Rachel as a nun, Jim Jarosz and Barney Walker as priests and Rob Walker as a monk. Doug is also a priest talking to the group. On the whiteboard, it says "Kitchen of Demonic Testing. Diocese of Baked Goods.")

Father Doug: So in conclusion to our weekly kitchen of demonic testing research, we have discovered that the cream in the coffee has swirled in the right direction, the chocolate icing on the donut was equally distributed, and the mustard in the ham sandwich on rye did not drip all the way to the floor. All that remains of course (taking out a piece of toast with jelly on it) is our beloved toast test. And seeing how we've been doing this for 180 years and not once has it ever landed on the wrong side, I think we can all get ready to go while I perform this last one.

(Doug drops the toast to the floor and it lands jelly side down, making his smile drop and the music turn sinister. The rest of the congregation looks at it, then back to Doug. Jim takes his glasses off before Doug blurts it out)

Father Doug: JELLY SIDE DOWN!!! (everyone screams, with Barney throwing up his fingers in a cross sign) Jelly side down! (now it devolves into outright violence with Barney beating up Rob and Jim choking Rachel. Doug kisses his rosary) Jelly side down! (he kisses his rosary again) Jelly side down! (Rachel's now beating Jim with his own glasses while Doug screams out in anguish)

(Back to the elevator)

NC: Fucking ridiculous!

Satan: Actually to be fair, the jelly side down test isn't a bad one...

Rita: Oh, bullcrap! Santa Christ, do you have a piece of toast with jelly on it?

SC: Of course I do, (he hands Rita a piece of toast with jelly on it) I'm Santa Christ!

(Rita drops the toast. It stops in mid-air with screeching brakes, flips upside down, then lands on the floor)

Rita: ...Best out of 3!

(The lights go out)

NC: Oh now what?

(The lights come on and the guys react to seeing Rita is now dead, blood coming out of her mouth. NC and SC look at Satan)

Satan: Oh sure, just because I'm the Devil, everyone assumes I did it! How do I know neither one of you did it? Nostalgia Critic, you hate the Power Rangers.

NC: Yeah, but never enough to kill a cast member! ...Unless it was Alpha...

Satan: And Santa Christ, you fight monsters just for fun. You could be just as guilty.

SC: But I only do that on Thursdays!

NC: Face it, guys. Everybody in this elevator is a suspect...

(The music gives off a dramatic sting)

Goit: Hey, are people killing one another in there?

NC: Yeah?

Goit: Stop that.

(And we go to commercial)

NC: Okay, okay, okay... What do you say we just finish the review without any more neck-breaking?

Satan: Okay.

Santa Christ: Okay... (He, Satan and NC look away in disgust from Rita's corpse)

NC: (vo) So the detective goes up to the broken window to see if the jumper and the killer in the elevator have any connection.

Analyst: Could you take a look at the suicide note? Most of them make sense but then it ends with "I can hear the Devil's footsteps strong here"... Usually suicide notes are either all crazy or all rational, but this one is both.

NC: (vo) Oh, yeah! Just like that totally crazy one I read last week that said "Duck duck orange juice Robert Downy Junior" or the totally rational one I came across the other week that listed the scientific and mathematical equations about why the suicide happened. Mixing the two? NEVER happens!

Ben: (Lights starts flicking in the elevator again) I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

NC: (vo) Back at "The Lord of the Floor" we see that the lights go out again leading to more mayhem.

Ben: The hell is going on?! (Turns on a match in the darkness and we briefly see the devil's face before he strikes again)

NC: (vo) Uff, so... (Showing the frame of the devil's face) The devil looks like a TPed version of Jack Skellington?!

Satan: (Santa Christ and NC look at him) ...It scares kids at birthday parties! (All three look away from Rita's corpse in disgust again)

NC: (vo) And while the lights go out it looks like that Grandma (Jane) didn't want to hang around anymore. (The lights of the elevator return showing that Jane has been brutally hanged with a cable, scaring everyone) "Well, I'll tell ya, those bowels are gonna be evacuating anytime and I'm not gonna want to be in this elevator then!" (vo) So one of the guards goes to see if he can fix the wire, the other two cops go searching for more information on who the killer could be leaving WHO to look after the elevator..? (Shows Ramirez while playing the sound of a cuckoo clock) That's right, Crazy Toast Man of course! Oh, yeah! That's a smart idea: put the guy you declered was insane in charge of a box of people going insane and killing one another! That's like putting the Human Torch in charge of keeping 50 packs of popcorn kernels from popping! YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S GONNA BLOW! But come on, in this time of raging emotions and uneasy nerves surely he won't do ANYTHING to make it worse... (Ramirez kneels and recites a prayer in Spanish* to the people in the elevator) ...Oh, that's just fucking great asshole, that will totally calm them down! Why don't you just pop in a CD playing "Let the bodies hit the floor" while you're at it?!?

Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
 * If anyone knows what he's saying, put it in please. (In spanish he was praying: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death

Amen)

Santa Christ: Oh, you don't know that, maybe someone praying for their immortal souls will make them feel better! (Tony attacks Ben while Sarah urges him to kill Ben) Oh... Maybe not...

NC: (as Bowden, who rushes back to Ramirez) "Oh, Christ, why haven't we fired you yet?"

Bowden: (Talking from the elevator's speaker) Back away from each other, now! Get off! We're gonna keep you safe and here's how: everyone get to a corner and place your hands on the wall, DO IT!

NC: (as Bowden) "And whoever the killer is, well, think about what you have done!"

Ben: Why don't you shut up and keep your hands on the wall?

NC: So, who do we turn to to finally start making sense of all this? ...Crazy Toast Man OF COURSE!

Bowden: In a hypothetical conversation that I'm not really having... How would this story of yours result?

Remirez: They all die.

Bowden: That's it?

Remirez: ...Yeah.

NC: (vo) "Well, let's wrap up here, men! Helbaco De Diablo here says there's nothing we can do!" (As another cop) "But sir, what evidence do you have?" (As Bowden) "The toast landed jelly side down!" (As the cop) "JELLY SIDE DOWN!? AAAH!"

Remirez: They made the choices that brought them here.

NC: (vo) So the reason Crazy Toast Man thinks they're all gonna die is that after doing more research it turns out that all of them have a criminal past. So the devil OBVIOUSLY, instead of killing them in an unsuspicious and not camera-recorded way, decides draw out the taking out these random five people as slowly as fucking possible!

Satan: AAAnd turn. (Santa Christ and NC look at him again)

NC: You took an entire day and all this effort just to take down FIVE people who you could have taken down in a millisecond?!?

Satan: I'm just showing how secret and subtle I am!

NC: You're about as secret and subtle as the Matrix! (vo) Anyone not clinically braindead would be able to tell something was up! And are they really only FIVE people in the ENTIRE world going to Hell today? Really? Fucking FIVE?!? By God, their crimes range from banks robber and pick pocketing, nobody else in the entire world has done anything worse than THIS?!

Satan: Look, I just need a "stupid day"! You know how some companies have "funny hat day" or "causal clothes day"? (As the most infamous bits of the movie are shown) I have "stupid day" where I pick one day and don't do anthing that makes sense whatsoever!

Santa Christ: ...You're really bad at this.

Satan: SHUT UP!

Santa Christ: Bowls of oatmeal are more frightening than him... (Satan looks at him upset)

NC: (vo) So since the maintenace guy got axed off as well, because you know, a building this big would have only ONE maintenace guy, one of the guards goes to see if he fix the elevator.

Lustig: I might have found the problem, a bad wire looks like could be shorting out the circuit.

NC: (vo) Okay, why is it in movies all the important wires and buttons that make everything work are always put in rooms that have no fucking lights?! Don't you wanna SEE what you're doing when you're touching this incredibly important stuff? "But hey, what does this button do"? (Lusting presses a control that inadvertently cuts out the power of the entire building) "Whoops." (vo) He sees one of the wires is cut and chaught in a puddle of water and... Rather than going to the firefighters we clearly have established have been here for some time, he tries to fix them up himself! Well, this looks promising. (Lusting steps on the puddle and gets electrified)

Bowden: (Assisting Lusting) MEDIC!

NC: (vo) This comes off as an expecially tough blow when they realize the husband of the woman in the elevator might own the security team of the building meaning that Ben might be the killer!

Bowden: (Talking through a walky talky) Sarah Caraway's husband doesn't own the security, does he?! ...Meet me on the office! (Runs to the office)

Ben: (To Sarah) Don't worry ma'am... I will keep you safe.

NC: (vo) Now of course this would have been an INGENIOUS move in keeping the audience guessing and on their toes, except for ONE simple fact that KIND OF leads us to think to the conclusion that's probably not him... YOU CALLED YOUR MOVIE "DEVIL"!!! You've constantly give away that the killer is the devil! How did you think you're gonna fool us with this?!? It's like if "The Wolfman" tries to trick us that the killer in the movie is fucking Dracula, we KIND OF KNOW going in, guys! (The lights of the elevator turn off again and when they turn on Ben is killed with his neck twisted) "Oh, you mean that he WASN'T the killer? This movie is totally keeping me guessing!" (Both Sarah and Tony grab a sharp piece of glass to defend themselves from one another) So only two remain, each one thinking that the other is the killer!

Tony: I should kill you right now, I should kill you right now before you try, I should cut you right now..!

Sarah: And what would be your defense..? Huh?

Sean Archer (from the movie Face/Off): Wheeeee! Haha! What a PREDICAMENT!

(Back to the movie, with Sarah and Tony attempting to kill each other in a stand off)

Remirez: (Looking at them through the camera) This is what he does, he wants us to look everything...

NC: (Annoyed) OH, JEEZ, WOULD YOU SHUT UP, CRAZY TOAST MAN?!?

Bowden: What to do, according to your story... How I save them?

Santa Christ: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ME, WOULD YOU STOP GIVING HIM ATTENTION?!

Satan: Hey, come on! He's a good press agent.

NC: Yeah, for the DUMBEST and most INCONSISTENT DEVIL EVER!

Satan: (In a challenging tone) Just what are you trying to say?

NC: (Facing him) I'm trying to say I've seen games of RISK with faster stategies than yours!

Satan: Oh yeah?! Well, at least I'm still alive in this death machine! (The lights of the lift turn off and when they return Satan is reduced to a mass of bones, much to Santa Christ and the Critic's horror)

(The Critic and Santa Christ hold each other, then they get away from each other as they scream in terror.)

Santa Christ: (shatters the top of his cane revealing a blade pointing it at the Critic) Stay back..! Don't make Santa gut you like an arctic seal..!

NC: (Draws his gun and points it at Santa Christ) Game's up, Santa Christ! We all know it was you!

Santa Christ: I swear to God that I'll spill your sweet red life juice all over the elevator floor!

NC: You're not fooling anybody! ...Although... Really all you did was kill the devil! ...Is that really such a bad thing..?

SC: Don't make me poke you full of ho-ho-holes!

NC: Okay, Okay... Look... Maybe the answers... Are in the rest of the movie... Perhaps we should watch the rest of it... Maybe we can find out what's going on. I'm gonna put down my gun... And you put down your... Candy... spear. (Slowly, they both put on the floor their weapons and take a deep breath) Okay... Let's see what happens. (Santa Christ tries to reach the Critic's gun but he smacks his hand)

NC: (vo) So to calm the two down the cop tells them a story about how he almost lost himself to alcohol, after his family died in a hit run, and that they have the choice of doing the right thing... (Tony and Sarah put down their shards of glass) ...And that works great! (The lights of their elevator goes off again) ...For about two seconds. (The lights return and Tony sees Sarah on the floor chocking for a wound on her neck) So just when it looks like it's revealed who the killer is..! Get a load of this:

Tony: (While trying to succour Sarah) Come on! Breathe! (From behind the corpse of Jane slowly stands up)

NC and SC: OH, COME ON!!! (They budge each others shoulder and they both back away with clenched fists.)

NC: (vo) So the old lady is the devil? How is that a good twist?!? We were never made privy to the idea that this was possible! In "The Sixth Sense" there were clues in the scenario that made it clear the twist could happen in this setup! Here they're just making up the rules as they go! And I know what you're thinking: "Oh, well, you didn't predicted it so it must be a good twist!" Well, I wouldn't be able to predict if they all turn into Snowmen of George Takei (Shows a picture of a bunch of snowmen with smiling faces of George Takei inside an elevator) but that doesn't mean it's good! ...It would be more entertaining than this, but it definately wouldn't be good!

Devil (Jane): Are you ready for your turn Anthony? The whores, the liars, the cheats and the deserters, it's always the same to me.

NC: (vo) Why the hell is she giving him a talking to when she clearly never did it with any of the other victims? Is the devil all this time really just your angry mother trying to ball you out?

Tony: Take me instead.

Devil: You think this will make you good? You're not good.

NC: (vo) Ehhh, maybe it's a random contrived way to give this guy a chance to redeem himself... (Tony grabs a walkie talkie from the dead security guy and starts speaking into it) Tadaah!

Tony: I-I, I killed a mother and her-and her son on Bathen Headpike five years ago.

NC: (vo) He of course confesses to the cop, what else? That HE was the guy who committed the hit and run that killed the cop's family.

Miss Piggy (from The Great Muppet Caper): What an unbelievable coincidence.

Devil: You think you can be forgiven?

NC (vo): Well, wouldn't you know it? Confessing his crime wins him a "get out of Hell free" card and the Devil lets him go leaving God knows how much surveillance footage, fingerprints, and testimonials that the Devil is the worst kept demonic secret the world has ever known!

Devil: Damn. I really wanted you.

NC (vo, as the Devil): Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go make "What the Fox Say?" a big hit. (The lights go out and the Devil disappears.

Bowden: Where'd she go? (Bowden looks inside the elevator as well as above it with no trace of her before yelling in a dramatic slo-mo scene with no dialogue)

NC (vo, as Bowden slowly, mimicking the scene.): Find her! Find Judge Judy! Check every hair and dye salon in town!

NC: (vo) And of course, in the world of rushed whatever endings, the cop finds it in his heart to quite instantly forgive the survivor.

Bowden: I've been waiting for this moment for five years; all the things I'd say to you. (Tony expecting Bowden to be angry) I forgive you.

NC: (vo, as Bowden) You see, my wife just before she died told me to swing away, which prevented an alien attack, so I guess it kinda evens things out.

NC: (vo) And, sure enough, the city is no longer up-side down, but instead, right-side up.

(M. Night Shyamalan is made to look like animated Tarsem from the Cell)

Shyamalan: ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! HOOHOOHOO!

NC: Well at least we got through this movie, right Santa Christ? Santa Christ? (he looks around for him and sees SC's now dead with a safe on his head!) Aah! Oh my god! What does this mean? Was he the Devil? Am I the Devil? Was the elevator the Devil? What? What? (an explosion happens behind him as Satan gets up. NC looks behind him and falls to the floor, backing up to the corner) Oh my god, the Devil was the Devil! (he then realizes what he said) You know in hindsight, I probably should have seen that coming.

Satan: Foolish mortal. I'm not the Devil. I'm really...(an explosion covers him transforming into...)

Shyamalan: (appears dressed as Amon from the Legend of Korra) Shyamalan.

NC: Goddamn it, Shyamalan, even the reveal of yourself is a lame twist! Where's the clues of who you really were? Where's the deductive reasoning?

Shyamalan: I am still the master of twists. If you could think up a better one for my movie, I'd like to hear it.

NC: Well, how bout if Crazy Toast Guy was the Devil?

(Shyamalan thinks about it)

Shyamalan: That's actually kind of brilliant.

NC: He knows how the Devil works, he can do it all without getting caught, there's not a ton of video footage of him prancing around like a paparazzi whore--

Shyamalan: Enough. My only weakness is critics like you pointing out that I have any weaknesses. (he sticks his thumb out) Prepare to be Shyamalized.

(NC braces for it, but then SC gets up, an explosion soon revealing he's Satan!)

NC: What the hell?

Satan: Exactly.

NC: Wait, so the Devil wasn't the Devil, the Devil was Santa Christ?

Shyamalan: That sounds needlessly complicated. Can I steal that?

(Satan snaps his fingers and an explosion makes Shyamalan disappear)

Satan: I was waiting for him to reveal himself so I can send him back to Hell.

NC: Oh good, so you don't really do any of that stuff in the movie, do you?

Satan: No. That would be unbelievably stupid.

NC: Thank god, because this movie makes no sense!

(Clips of the movie play as the closing summary comes up)

NC (vo): If it was just a thriller about people stuck in an elevator, it would have had a better chance. Most of the actors are pretty decent. (Vince is shown) Most of them. And it has a grasp of good pacing and cinematography. But when you throw in lame dialogue with lame story elements, and, of course, a lame supernatural element that weakens the suspense more than heightens it, you get a clumsy, unfinished mess.

NC: And it's definitely one I'm glad to be done with.

Goit: Hey, you folks all right in there?

Satan: It's okay, sweetie, you can cut out the voice now.

(Suddenly the voice is Evilina (Rachel))

Evilina: Okay. (she's in a control room) That was starting to hurt my throat!

Satan: Okay, why don't you be a darling and lower us down to the main floor?

Evilina: Okay!

(She then begins pressing random buttons, making the elevator shake)

Satan: Uh, no, I think you might wanna try the yellow button. (The elevator shakes again) Or maybe the left or right. (another shake)

Evilina: (spinning in her chair) Wheee! Button button button!

(The elevator continues shaking)

Satan: Okay, it looks like we're going to have to jump off the floor. Uh, help me pry open these doors, would you?

(Satan goes to open the elevator doors)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (He goes to help Satan open the door)

Satan: Ooh, this floor has a pool. 1, 2, 3, jump!

NC: Aaah!

Satan: Too slow. Hehehehehe.

(And we go to credits. After that, we go back to Rita's body, seeing she's been playing dead this whole time. She smiles as she gets up before revealing herself to be Cthulhu)

Cthulhu: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Everything's going according to plan. (cut to black) People love Cthulhu.

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Ramirez: When he's near, toast falls jelly side down.