Sidekicks

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to! What can you say about Chuck Norris? [pauses] Me? Nothing! The guy leaves no impression on me, he's like a hairy Steven Seagal.

Footage of ChuckNorrisFacts.com starts

NC (voiceover): But thanks to ChuckNorrisFacts.com apparently a lot of people have things to say about him, like "Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.", ''"Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people." and "There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, there is only another fist." ''

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Yes, Chuck Norris is the first person to literally turn himself into a human catchphrase. But how can you not when you star in such self-indulgent horse vomit like Sidekicks?

Footage of Sidekicks starts

NC (voiceover): This is the first to openly acknowledge that Chuck Norris is not only better than God, but in fact is... a lot better than God. He's like God, sex and kung fu put in a blender to create undiluted manliness [a cheap animation of this is shown].

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (with girlish voice, sarcastically): But why is Chuck Norris that AWESOME?! [continues in normal voice] Well, if you don't know the answer by the time you're done watching this movie, [leaning into the camera] then you don't know Chuck! [a picture of Chuck Norris in front of a giant explosion is shown, after that NC continues in his normal voice] Let's get kicking!

Footage of Sidekicks

NC (voiceover): So we see some sort of Asian setting where some poor damsel in distress is about to be cut to ribbon by a guy wearing a mask of Doc Brown. [split screen showing the man in the mask and Christopher Lloyd from Back to the Future] But who should be there but the always unstoppable... [someone disguised in white bandages is visible] Michelin Man! [the Michelin Man is shown where the person is standing] No, it's Chuck Norris, the undeniable king of slow-mo fighting!

The scene shows Chuck Norris beating up some ninja henchmen in slow motion.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (wimpy voice): You wouldn't be so tough if you fight in regular motion! [More of the fighting scene is shown] You know they say that Chuck Norris can eat a hamburger and take a gunshot blast while standing?

More of the fighting scene is shown.

NC (voiceover): And who's here to help our acrobatic marshmallow man but...

The second white fighter pulls down his mask, it's a teenager.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (shrugging): ...that kid from Sea Quest!

Cut back to the fighting scene

NC (voiceover): So they join forces to stop the easily defeatable stuntmen. [Chuck Norris and the teenager kick around them, not really hitting anyone] You know, that only works if you hit someone, guys... I especially love this one ninja who I think was late on his mark. [a ninja is kicked in the face and falls very delayed] [NC as the ninja] Oh, I guess I should fall... [normal voiceover] So this epic battle of awesomeness simply has to be too good to be true! [pauses] And... Yeah, it is... [cut in the movie to the teenage boy in school] It turns out it was just a fantasy in a kid's head. And it happened quite often. The kid's name is Barry, an asthmatic who often catches himself daydreaming... [a girl walks into the picture] ...WINNIE!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (excited): Heeeeyyy, it's Winnie from The Wonder Years! The quiet, gentle bookworm who's always in an on-again/off-again relationship. I wonder who she's playing here! [Winnie is shown with the transcript of what NC says next to her] A quiet, gentle bookworm who's always in an on-again/off-again relationship. [pauses] Awesome!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So his teacher, named Ms. Chan, is most concerned about his constant daydreaming in class.

Ms. Chan: You've got to understand, there's a time and a place for dreams, but it's not in the classroom.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (firmly): The classroom is where dreams go to die - Get it right!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): His father, played by Beau Bridges... [a picture of Jeff Bridges is shown] Er... No. [a picture of Lloyd Bridges is shown] No. [a picture of Todd Bridges is shown] Really, no. [a picture of Beau Bridges is shown] There he is! ...comes in to talk with Barry's teacher.

Barry's father: He's... uh... He's just never been a physical kid. There's nothing wrong with that. Einstein... erm... Gandhi, Gershwin, there's nothing wrong with these people. My son has asthma.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: And therefore can achieve nothing. You know who else has asthma? [leaning into the camera] Chuck Norris!

''A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".''

Cut back to the movie

Barry's father: He says they're sidekicks'''. '''That they...er... do things together.

Ms. Chan: Do you ever try?

Barry's father: What?

Ms. Chan: Being his sidekick.

Barry's father (chuckling): I don't think I have a chance against Chuck...

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (dumbly): I mean, did you know that he's the only man who defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis?

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So the decide Barry needs an outlet for his daydreaming, thus they decide to give him karate lessons, taught by a quite fascinatingly unfunny Joe Piscapo.

Stone (Joe Piscapo): HEY! YOU!

Barry's father (hesitantly): M-me?

Stone: YEEEEAAAAAH... You. WE DON'T WEAR SHOES ON THE MAT HERE, MISTER.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating Stone): Forgive me... I haven't decided if this role's supposed to be funny yet.

Cut back to the movie

Barry (admiring Stone's trophies): You must be pretty good to win all this stuff.

Stone: Well... I don't like to brag...

Barry: Yeah, I bet you're almost as good as...um... Chuck Norris.

Dramatic cliché music is played.

Stone (with clenched teeth): Chuck...Norris...?

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating Stone's over-the-top voice mimic): Chuck...Norris...?! [continues in normal voice] You know they say that police lable anyone who goes up against Chuck Norris as a suicide?

Cut back to the movie

Barry: Karate is a sport of discipline and restraint and style. One that builds respect.

Stone: You believe in the easterbunny, too, kid?

Barry (NC voiceover): I don't know, I have to ask Chuck Norris.

NC (voiceover): So he sits at home watching - What else? - Chuck Norris movies! As he fantasizes AGAIN about being his sidekick. This time the villain is played by Joe Piscapo and we find out that the damsel is and always has been Ms. Chan.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (uncomfortably): I don't think this is so much dreaming about Chuck as it is dreaming about fantasizing about his teacher.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): I mean, is she always the person being trussed up and rescued? Isn't that a little...um... creepy? And what exactly happens after you save her? Does she give you a "Thank you" and a happy ending?

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Well, I think the answer is obvious. [leaning into the camera] He gives her to Chuck Norris!

''A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".''

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So Piscapo lights a fuse that's going to blow her up, when suddenly Norris rises out of the water and SHOOTS THE FIRE AWAY! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SHOOT FIRE AWAY?!

Chuck Norris and Barry fire at the villains with machine guns.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating Barry): Cut, cut, cut! My dream sucks! Let's try again and this time get it right!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So we see his teacher talking to another teacher about why she's giving such a helping hand to young Barry.

Teacher: Trouble with one of the urgents? Perhaps I can be of assistance.

Ms. Chan: Barry Gabrewski.

Teacher: Oh, but he's...um...

Ms. Chan: He's what?

Teacher: Er, well, h-he's... slow a-and...er... impaired... Hopeless! Hopeless! That kid is hopeless!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Because that's the motto of any good school: You're hopeless. Just give up and throw your books in the garbage.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So Barry sits in school trying to study, when suddenly... [Chuck Norris arrives] Huh... Really? We're not even gonna wait five minutes for another Chuck Norris wet dream?

Chuck Norris' lips move in slow motion, as if he's shouting something at Barry.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (baffled): Wow, he even talks in slow motion!

Cut back to the movie

''A ninja breaks through a wall and threatens to kill Barry with a sword. Barry wakes up and Ms. Chan grabs his arm to calm him down.''

Ms. Chan: Barry! What may I ask was that all about!

''Barry is speechless. He still sees the ninja threatening him.''

Barry: I-I... I was...uh...working on a charlie horse.

NC (voiceover): Okay, this kid has a mental illness! This isn't charming, this is horrifyingly scary! Check him into a mental hospital!

Ms. Chan: There's someone I want you and your dad to meet. If he likes you, maybe he'll be the one to teach you martial arts.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (sarcastically): 'Cause THAT'S the best thing to do: Teach a schizophrenic how to fight people! That's like having Hannibal taking a cooking class! [a photoshopped Hannibal Lecter is cooking with a little girl]

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So it turns out the person is Ms. Chan's uncle, played by Mako. Mako?!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (very fast): You mean that guy I made fun of in the TMNT review and got horribly ridiculed for it? [continues nervously] Well, I'm...uh... sure there'll be nothing wrong with his character in this movie... In fact, I'm sure that it will be absolutely delightful. With no flaws at all.

NC folds his hands next to his head where the shining head of Mako appears, musically accompanied by a heavenly choir.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So we see her uncle named Mr. Lee as he teaches one insensitive guy a little something about manners.

Man in waiting line (angrily): Tell that chink to douse that cigar! This is a public area, he's not supposed to be smoking that in here!

Mr. Lee: Would you mind telling me which particular "chink" you're referring to?

Man in waiting line: The geezer in front of you, Charlie!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating the man in the line): And can you speed it up? I got a klansmen meeting to get to!

Cut back to the movie

''Mr. Lee takes the cigar of the man in front of him and makes it vanish. The angry man is smelling something.''

Man in waiting line (sniffing): Smoke. [smoke comes out of his pocket] Smoking. I'm smoking? [He starts patting his pocket.] I'm smoking! I'm smoking!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (smiling): Wow, that's... impressively bad acting! I mean, you have to try in order to be that horrible!

The man patting his pocket is shown again 

NC (voiceover): How do you think he'd react if he got shot? [a gunshot is heard]

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating the man in the line, patting himself everywhere): Gunshot? Gunshot? Gunshot?! I've been gunshot! R2-D2, where are you?

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So when he's not setting people on fire Mr. Lee runs a Chinese restaurant, where Barry and his father plant to meet with him... ''[Ms. Chan and Barry's father are shown sitting at a table, alone] ''Um... Wait, what just happened?

Ms. Chan: He really likes you. He's very impressed with your work with computers.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: You skipped over the meal they had together? Why?! [pauses] Did Chuck Norris not like it?!

Cut back to the movie

Ms. Chan: That's how we teach children to use chopsticks. Did you notice my uncle's stopped using his halfway through the meal?

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: No! Because you didn't show it! [makes a sound and gesture along the lines of "Duh!"]

Cut back to the movie

Ms. Chan: Dear uncle... poet and a charmer. Teacher and philosopher.

While Ms. Chan is saying this, the movie cuts to the kitchen where Mr. Lee is making dough balls and throws one at Barry's head.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: And... [pauses] ...random dough tosser.

Cut back to the movie

Barry: I'm sorry, I wasn't ready.

Mr. Lee: That is the entire point of this exercise! And what will be your fighting name? Um... Barry...the Leopard. Barry the Tiger!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's Room

NC (imitating Mr. Lee): Or how about Barry the Asthmatic At? Yeah, that's good!

Cut back to the movie

Mr. Lee (gesturing wildly and exaggeratedly): Misteeeeeeeer Dumpling! Mr. Dumpling never attacks by smashing the fist of his opponent with his own face.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

''NC looks very uncomfortbale. He has a huge forced smile on his face.''

NC: I'm sure there's a lot of people who can probably make fun of this scene. But not me! No, no, I'm just so... blown away by the charm of Mako.

NC folds his hands next to his head where the shining head of Mako appears, musically accompanied by a heavenly choir.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So while Mr. Lee trains/makes fun of him, Chan and Barry's father continue to chat.

Barry's father: You sure Barry's gonna be okay with your uncle?

''The sound of something hitting somebody is laid over the scene. The movie is still focused on Barry's father and Ms. Chan, though. Mr. Lee and Barry are not visible.''

Barry (NC voiceover): Stop throwing dough at me!

Mr. Lee (NC voiceover): Next, we throw bottles!

The sound of glass breaking is heard.

NC (voiceover): Chan comes to check how things are going in the back as Barry's father amuses... bikers. What? Where the hell did they come from?!

A biker howls with laughter.

Barry's father: That's a funny name...

Barry's father's words are drowned in the bikers' laughter.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (loudly): Show stuff! Transitions are your friend!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So I guess bikers come in and start causing trouble while Mr. Lee figures out a fool-proof plan to get rid of them.

Mr. Lee (carrying a tray, dumbly): Oyo... ''[He crashes into the bikers and hurts some of them in different ways. He turns to one of the unhurt ones.] ''You all right? [The biker nods and says "Uh-huh". Mr. Lee punches him in the face.]

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Wow, they actually had a guy who went "Uh-huh". I didn't know they still had those in movies.

Cut back to the movie

The "Uh-huh" biker is shown, lying in his food.

"Uh-huh" biker (NC voiceover): This is really good.

The bikers leave.

Mr. Lee: These gentlemen only saw what I appeared to be. Lesson number two: Believe what is, not what you think. [NC voiceover] For example: I'm an Academy Award nominated actor and I'm playing a doofus who throws dough at people. Live and learn.

NC (voiceover): So he tells Barry that he has to walk to school for a week and then run the next week after. Yeah, that's a great thing to teach an asthmatic person! On his way there, he starts up conversation with Winnie. I'm sure her character has a different name but fuck it, you're just gonna call her Winnie anyway.

Winnie: Barry! Are you sure you don't want a ride?

Barry: Uh... No, that's okay, I wanna get my heart rate up on a wire.

NC (voiceover): Well, I have to give this movie credit. It's gone a whole 15 minutes without a Chuck Norris appearance. That's gotta be a new record for this film... [a new daydream has started] Oh! Spoke too soon!

Stone (as a western outlaw): Well, well, well... If it isn't the two big, bad wolves...

Bartender: What'll you have?

Barry: Milk.

The bar breaks out in laughter.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Oh, I'm sorry, mine's HARD milk.

Cut back to the movie

Chuck Norris reveals his gun. The laughter dies down.

Chuck Norris: Bartender, make mine milk, too.

Cut back to the Nostalgia ritic's room

NC (pointing threateningly at the camera): Milk is now officially known as Chuck Norris Messiah Juice! [leaning into the camera] Anything else we can do for you, sire?

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): By the way, did you notice that the milk glasses are there when they come in... [an arrow points the goof out] ...and then suddenly disappear when they order? [an arrow points the goof out]

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: You may think this is a hole in the movie, but it's not. [seriously] Chuck Norris is actually so intimidating that the milk pre-ordered itself in preperation for his arrival and then went back under because they thought they'd be presumptuous. [leaning into the camera] Such is the way of Norris!

''A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".''

Cut back to the movie

Stone (as a western outlaw): Hey you! Gimme a kiss!

Ms. Chan (as a western damsel): Let go of me!

NC (voiceover): I love how in reality the teacher is a strong, independent woman, but to the teenage brain she's reduced down to the lowest common denominator. I guess nothing's really PC in this kid's head, is it?

Stone (as a western outlaw): I can take you, little wolf.

Barry and Stone prepare for a shootout.

NC (voiceover): So they stand there tickling their guns when Barry beats him to the draw and then slaps him. Then he beats him to the draw and slaps him. The he beats him to the draw ans slaps him... Is this movie stuck on "Repeat"? Someone get me the fuck outof this! [Barry brought back to reality by a slap on the head.] Thank you!

Gym teacher (yelling very loudly): WAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC is startled and jerks back.

NC: Ah!

Cut back to the movie

Gym teacher: HOW DARE YOU FALL ASLEEP IN MY CLASS?! GET UP, BOY!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (leaning away from the camera): Please go away, strange, wide-angled lense man.

Cut back to the movie

Gym teacher: It's been a while since your last physical evaluation, lady. Start climbing! Come on, Gabrewski, what are you, a man or... Marvin Milktoast?

NC (voiceover): What IS this place? Douchebag High? What kind of teachers talk like this?! You'd get your ass fired if you talked like that!

Barry has to climb a rope but has difficulty fulfilling the task.

Winnie: You can do it, Barry!

The class laughs.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating the gym teacher): There will be no encouragement in this classroom, that's what private schools are for!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So, just when it seems like all hope is lost and nobody can help him out, guess who happens to appear?

Chuck Norris (from the rope next to Barry): Hey, Barry! I'll race you to the top.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating Barry, calmly): Oh, hi Chuck! [takes a second look and screams loudly]

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So Barry literally talks to his imaginary Chuck Norris while everybody looks at him like he's crazy. Why? BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY!

Chuck Norris: Pull! That's it, use your legs. That's it! Good! There you go!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (leaning into the camera): You know they say that Chuck Norris is so powerful that just thinking about him increases your physical strength?

Cut back to the movie

Gym teacher: Well, I'll be.

''Barry reaches the top of the rope. The class applauds. The ''"CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!" chant is played and the text "This moment brought to you by the MIRACLE of Chuck Norris" is shown.

NC (voiceover): So we see Barry walk home with Winnie as he eventually confesses that he's into her. And proposes to go out on a date.

Barry: If I like you and...erm...you like me, why don't we...er...go out?

Winnie: Go out?

Barry: Yeah.

Winnie: I like you, but... just... not like that... I worry about you!

Barry: You pity me!

Winnie: I do not! I don't!

Barry (almost crying): I get it, okay?

Barry turns to leave.

Winnie: Barry! [Barry runs away.] Please!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: So she's giving him mixed signals while she herself doesn't know how to feel? This IS The Wonder Years!

Cut back to the movie

Barry is running away from Winnie, music from The Wonder Years is playing.

NC (voicover, imitating Barry): I knew then that Winnie would never accept me. So I ran home like a wailing pussy hoping that my Chuck Norris porn would give me some comfort. [normal voiceover] So he starts to breathe faster and faster. He has - here's a shockert - ANOTHER fantasy about Chuck Norris. Only this time, he's getting tortured. The evidence is really piling up.

Chuck Norris: Just hang on!

Chuck Norris is slapped by Stone (as a Nazi officer). They glare at each other.

Stone (as a Nazi officer): Filthy schwein!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (acting like he is hanging from a wall): Next you want to hook up my nipples to a car battery, don't you? Don't you?

Cut back to the movie

Chuck Norris: Hang on, Barry!

Barry: I-I c-can't! God...

Chuck Norris: Hang on!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (with girlish voice, sarcastically): But how can chains hold the mighty Chuck Norris? They must be made out of the scales of a silver dragon!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): When Barry wakes up he finds himself in a hospital, as Ms. Chan and Mr. Lee come to visit. Yeah, apparently, running to school wasn't such a hot idea, big shot!

Barry (whispering): Mr. Lee...

Mr. Lee: Yes. I have something for you. [He leans over Barry and starts taking off his hospital gown.] We take this off...

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC is sitting there with raised eyebrows and a very sceptical look

Mr. Lee (voiceover): ...only for a few minutes...

NC (uncomfortably): I'm sure this is a perfectly normal thing for Mako to do! After all, it's not like he's rubbing him in an inappropriate way...

Cut back to the movie

Mr. Lee (rubbing something on Barry's chest): This will help you.

Erotic music is played.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (uncomfortably, wringing his hands): Must...resist...joke... Must...resist...joke...!

Cut back to the movie

The music is still played. Mr. Lee is rubbing Barry all around his chest.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC is clenching his tongue and is shaking backwards and forwards and makes choked sounds.

Cut back to the movie

''The music is still played. Mr. Lee keeps rubbing Barry all around his chest. The music slowly stops.''

Mr. Lee: There... Noooow rest.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC lets go of his tongue and collapses onto his desk because he is so relieved.

NC (respiring): Whew... [with a forced smile] Mako's a sweetheart.

NC folds his hands next to his head where the shining head of Mako appears, musically accompanied by a heavenly choir.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So after Mr. Lee's rubdown, Barry gets back in the game and continues to train. [a montage of the training starts] Oh, good! Nunchucks! I wonder how long it's gonna take before they do the hit-the-crotch-ga... [Barry hits his crotch with the Nunchuck.] ...Yeah... didn't take them long. So Barry goes back to gym as one of the school bullies gets in a fight with him. But this time... [deep voice] ...Barry is ready! [Barry beats the bully in a fight.] Where are the teachers during all this?! Ah, hell, knowing this school they're probably there cheering them on.

Gym teacher: What is going on here?!

Winnie (coming over to Barry): I can't believe that was you! What are you doing this weekend?

Barry: I'm going to the zoo.

Winnie: Can I come with you?

Barry: Yeah.

The both smile awkwardly.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: So the moral of the story is "Violence gets you chicks"? You know, every guy thought that but we didn't think it was actually true!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): Gee, it's been a while... Where's that disgustingly unnecessary Chuck Norris cameo? [Another daydream starts.] There it is! For a second there I thought you're actually gonna try and have a plot! Yeah, got the teacher in trouble again and of course Chuck Norris is there by his side. This time they're stopping the evil Piscapo from putting razor blades in bubblegum and dynamite into piñatas! [pauses] This kid needs to get laid...

Stone (as a gangster) is reaching to the skies and starts to conduct the carrying out of his evil plan.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC looks very bewildered.

Cut back to the movie

''Stone (as a gangster) is still conducting. The text ''"WTF?" ''is laid over the picture. The conducting continues.''

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: I take it back. This whole MOVIE needs to get laid!

Cut back to the movie

''The conducting reaches its climax. A wall is blown up and Chuck Norris enters.''

Stone (as a gangster): Well, our hero... GET HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMM!

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (imitating Stone): I'm actiiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggg!

Cut back to the movie

Chuck Norris shoots wildly into the crowd.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: You know Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter pilot just by holding up his finger and shouting "Bang!"?

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So he goes to rescue the teacher which now seems to be the Winnie girl! Thank God! At least he's having implausible fantasies about girls his own age.

Chuck Norris: What's going on? Where's Noreen?

Barry (shrugging): Hey, this is my dream!

Chuck Norris (NC voiceover): Noooo, but I can't tap that, I'll get arrested!

NC (voiceover): But in real life the action is just beginning, as the bully, who seems to be a student of the Piscaputz, wants revenge on Barry. So he challenges him to a karate tournament to see who's the best of the best.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: So let's see if I got this straight: [voiceover (clips from the movie are shown)] An unpopular kids gets beat up by the student of an aggressive karate teacher, so he starts training with a quirky Asian man who helps him prepare for a martial arts tournament? [clips stop, NC pretends to think about the circumstances] There's another movie like that... I think...er...it had something to do with...uh...karate...a-and a kid...karate...kid... I believe it was called... Cheech and Chong Go Up in Smoke.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): But Barry doesn't think he's ready to compete, so his teacher gives him some words of wisdom.

Mr. Lee: Look at the tortoise there, Barry. Tortoise is very clumsy and not musical at all. But it has been said, and I believe it, when a dream becomes true, when the impossible is accomplished and lies behind you, on that day, the turtles will dance.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (grumpliy): Oh yeah? Have you seen this?

Footage from the NC's and the AVGN's TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells review (a dance scene of the turtles) is shown.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): But how are Barry and Lee going to get ready for the tournament in such little time?

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: This looks like a job for... an 80's montage!

Cut back to the movie

''A montage of Mr. Lee and Barry getting ready for the tournament is shown. After a few seconds, the picture becomes transparent showing NC imitating the slow motion moves of Barry.''

NC (voiceover): So they get to the tournament where they need a group in order to enter. So Ms. Chan and Mr. Lee enter as well, but they're still short one member. Who could they possibly get?

Chuck Norris enters the hall and the "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!" chant is played.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (in sarcastic disbelief, leaning into the camera): Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...???

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover, sarcastically cheerful): Yes, Chuck Norris enters the tournament, after Ms. Chan has a heartfelt talk with him that of course we never see.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (leaning into the camera): You know they say that every time Chuck Norris says "Yes" the devil pisses himself?

Cut back to the movie

NC: But gee, how will Barry take the news that the hero who's been causing his mental illness is actually gonna be fighting side by side along with him?

Barry stares at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: Hi, I'm Chuck Norris.

Barry's head explodes comically (photoshopped in).

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: Oooooh... Better than I thought.

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): But surely Chuck Norris isn't gonna join the team of a bunch of people he barely even knows! [sarcastically] Is he???

Chuck Norris: Why don't you and I go win this thing, huh?

Barry (hesitantly): W-what do you mean?

Chuck Norris: I mean, you needed a fourth team member and now you got one.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (in sarcastic disbelief, leaning into the camera): Wha-wha-wha-wha... Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...???

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So they go up to enter in the tournament, but come across a little bit of trouble.

Tournament clerk: Oh, come on, Chuck Norris? THE Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris walks up behind Mr. Lee, Ms. Chan and Barry.

Chuck Norris: You got a problem with that, son?

The tournament clerk looks extremely bewildered.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (in sarcastic disbelief, leaning into the camera): [ridicules the prefix "Wha" by belching the word several times] ...Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...???

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So Ms. Chan performs and does well, Mr. Lee performs and does well, so it's all up to Barry and Chuck now, as they fend off agains the evil Piscapansies. So, if you can imagine, when Barry goes up there, HE STILL FANTASIZES! Kid, you're in a karate tournament with Chuck fucking Norris! There's no need to daydream!!! Are you ever fucking satisfied?! [calms down] So Norris faces off with Piscapo.

Stone: You know, Norris, I've always wanted to see how good you really are.

Chuck Norris: You only gonna see it once, Stone.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (holding his ears, ecstatically): My ears just orgasmed, that was so cool!

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So they fight each other in an epic battle to... the highest point. [Chuck Norris punches Stone several times.] So Norris and Piscapo do get out as he finally delivers the finishing move... in slow-mo of course.

''Chuck Norris kicks Stone in the face in slow motion. The scene is shot from Stone's point of view. Everything revolves.''

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (talking in slow motion, gesturing wildly): Holy fuuuuuucking shiiiit!

Cut back to the movie

Stone hits the ground.

Chuck Norris: Ew.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: You might be wondering: What the hell just happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened: [leaning into the camera] Chuck Norris!

''A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".''

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): But the two dojos are tied which means a block breaking competition will settle it all. Piscapo's team doesn't break all the blocks which means it's up to Barry to win the day. But Barry admits that he doesn't quite think he can do it.

Mr. Lee: Now...concentrate!

NC (voiceover): But it's okay, Mr. Lee gives him some courage and calms him down by SETTING IT ON FIRE! [angrily sarcastic] Yeah! That'll take the tension away! Set the fucking blocks on fire! What are you, high?! [Barry punches down and breaks all the blocks.] So of course he breaks all the blocks and wins the day. So, where does that leave us now?

Barry: It's...um...been kinda like a dream...coming true...

Chuck Norris: Dreams do come true, Barry. If you want them bad enough.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (sarcastically): Yeah, I guess that's why so many people can't beat cancer. They just didn't want it hard enough! [NC shakes his head and rolls his eyes as if to say "Duh"]

Cut back to the movie

NC (voiceover): So he leaves the magazine [a magazine with Chuck Norris on the cover] behind and walks off into the sunset. Meanwhile, in the most clichéd of schlock endings, a kid picks up the magazine and is no doubt inspired by the brave God beast that he sees on the cover and wouldn't you happen to know it? He's in a wheelchair!

The small boy in the wheelchair takes the magazine and turns it to leave.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC (sarcastically enthusiastic): YES! Chuck Norris will heal the disabled!!! All you had to do was believe, believe in the power of Chuck Norris! [becoming angry] Good God, this movie is shit!

Cut scenes from the movie are shown

NC (voiceover): I mean, come on! There wasn't any more of Norris's cock you could suck?! I never saw anything quite so self-indulgent! And I sat through Moonwalker!

The cover of the Moonwalker DVD is shown.

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: I mean, what was the idea behind this movie? Did...Norris have a cereal he wanted to promote? Was there a commercial tie-in? Did one of the family members direct it? Was there a...

Cut back to the movie

Credits: "An AARON NORRIS Film"

NC (voiceover): Okay...

Cut back to the Nostalgia Critic's room

NC: ...now it all makes sense, it was directed by his brother! Was this, like, your birthday gift to him or something? Make a movie about him? Okay, none of the build-up about Chuck Norris is true, it's false! Grade-A false bulldogey! It's stupid, it's nonsensical and none of it makes sense! May God strike me down if I'm wrong! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remem...

NC is hit by lightning and disappears.

Cut to outside

''Chuck Norris' head is photoshopped onto God from Michelangelo's famous picture. He rises up to the heavens. The'' "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!" ''chant is played. He reaches heaven where Mako already sits on a cloud.''

Mako: Thanks, I really hated that guy.

Cut to the credits of NC:

THE END

Written by Doug Walker and Rob Walker

Performed and Edited by Doug Walker

ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com

'Sidekciks' [sic] is owned by Gallery Films