Jungle 2 Jungle

(The review starts off with a blue title card entitled “Feces of the World: With the Nostalgia Critic” and a trumpet fanfare playing in the background; the caption fades out before another caption fades in, reading “Today’s Location: The Curiously Echoey Jungle”; Fade in on NC searching through the jungle before he stops to notice the camera)

NC: Oh, hello. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Today we are looking at movie feces, the leavings of a totally horrible piece of crap. And—(he makes a step aside until we hear a farting sound, and he looks down to see what he stepped on) Oh, look at this, look at this. I have found a spectacular one right here. (Cut to an image of an actual pile of droppings) That is fucking nasty. (Cut back to him) Mmm, and we’re lucky. We may be able to track down what produced this horrible piece of dung. (He quietly shushes at the camera before gesturing it to follow him; fade in on him in a different jungle spot) Ah, just as I suspected. I thought this came from a Tim Allen comedy.

(A montage of clips from the movie “Jungle 2 Jungle” is shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Right over there, you can see what produced this retched piece of shit.

NC: “Jungle 2 Jungle.”

(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by another montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): Look at how sloppy the writing is. Look at how confused the humor is. And ask yourself: “Why the hell there’s a ‘2’ in the title, even though this is a remake and not a sequel?”

NC: We must be very quiet while we observe it. But let us venture forth and see what could possibly create such a giant piece of anus butter.

(The movie begins with a young boy (named Mimi-Siku) paddling his canoe down a river)

NC (voiceover): Look at that. Ohh, yes, we observe here the cleanest and most pasty white of Amazon tribesmen, who will like to stand on the edge of mountaintops and scream inspiringly for the trailer.

(On a mountaintop while the camera spins around him from far away, Mimi-Siku raises his arms and yells triumphantly)

NC (voiceover): We then cut to the next best thing that this family film surely thinks will get the kids invested: the stock market.

Richard Kempster (Martin Short): 300 lots of coffee futures? You call that a hunch?

Michael Cromwell (Tim Allen): No, Richard. I call that an opportunity.

Richard: 300 lots in this market is not an opportunity. It’s a death wish.

NC (voiceover): Knowing that your kids are no doubt sucked in by all this technical talk, the film then proceeds to go to a subject matter that kids want to hear even more about: Divorce proceedings.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: I’m getting married to Charlotte in 30 days. In order to do that, I need the divorce from Patricia.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Madeleine: (while Michael is getting in the back seat of a car) You’ll overnight in Caracas, then fly to Canaima the next morning where you will be met.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (to Madeleine) Thanks. (to Richard) See ya in two days. (The car drives off)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Tim Allen’s character—whose name you will never call him, so let’s just keep calling him Tim Allen—is off to the Amazon to get a divorce from his wife so he can marry another woman. Weird and complicated? (lightly chortles) Oh, that’s merely the icing on this cake of bullshit.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Abe Bortero (an attorney-at-law): We received this letter from your wife today. Senora Cromwell says that she could not come to Canaima, but she wants us to get you to Lipo Lipo.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Wait a second. What are you talking about? I travel 3000 miles to get here. She doesn’t show up? What’s that about?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): After being attacked by deadly rubber fish, Tim Allen enters this knockoff of “The Mission” and we see his wife Patricia. Notice how their hairstyles indicate that they met at a Marc Summers Jew ‘fro convention. Very popular in the ‘90s.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: We weren’t even married a year, and you walked out on me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: And now you want a divorce, and you think I’m gonna hit you up for money.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: We both want a divorce, and aren’t you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: I don’t want any money.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Great!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So we observe that she left because he didn’t listen to her much when they were married. I guess he also didn’t listen to the part where she was apparently…leaving him, nor the incredibly forced plot point that he has a son.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Michael is checking his stocks on his portable computer)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: I didn’t know at the time, but I was…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (to himself) 97, 97 and a quarter. Am I greedy? I feel pretty greedy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: (simultaneously) …pregnant with your son.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (simultaneously) I’m so greedy, I’m gonna wait ‘til 97 and a half.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: (points) The boy sitting next to the fire over there is your son. I must have started a thousand letters to tell you, but every one of them started with, “I know you never wanted children.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: This is nuts. This is nuts. This is unbelievable.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: I was confused.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: You know what you said to me? This is unforgivable!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: I’m not asking you to forgive me, but he didn’t do anything, so don’t blame him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So as you can quickly observe in this film, these are all, in fact, horrible people. She has a son for 13 years and never tells him, he’s too invested in his stocks and bonds, and there’s a Tarzan wedlock because of it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: (introduces himself to Michael at nighttime) Mimi-Siku.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Hi, uh, Mimi-Siku. I’m Michael Cromwell.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): The boy’s name is Mimi-Siku, and yes, I prefer manlier names out of “Paranormal Activity” as well. (An image of Micah from “Paranormal Activity” is shown briefly over the movie footage)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Paliku tells me that, um, that I’m…I’m your father. (A silent moment passes as Mimi-Siku doesn’t respond back) That’s a nice pot you have.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (lightly chortles to himself) And as you can clearly see, poor Tim Allen can’t even tell the difference between a pot and a pan. (Beat) Right? He-He got that wrong, didn’t he? I mean, there’s so controversy about that. (Beat) Don’t leave any comments about it. It’s not worth another “Fuck Up” video.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So he thinks that his son can’t understand him, but the child reveals the next day that he can, thus adding to the contingency of liars that makes up this family.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: I’ve got to go back to my village. I’m a trader. That’s what I do, okay?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: (shows Michael a Statue of Liberty necklace he wears around his neck) This. This in your village, yes? Woman who hold fire up sky’s butt?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (chuckles) I’ve never…I’ve never had her described quite like that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): This, of course, raises the question how anyone, even a lone tribesman, can confuse raising a hand as holding something up the sky’s butt. (An image of a small boy raising a hand in class is shown) Would answering a question in class be considered the sky’s cavity check? (An image of two young women doing a high-five is shown) Would a high-five make these two the sky’s proctologist? (Back to the movie) Even Mimi, we see, is double fisting the sky up the anus earlier, so we come to the conclusion that there’s deduction, and then there’s just morons.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Michael laughs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): And the morons who encourage the morons.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: When I’m a man, will you take me to Statue of Liberty?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Sure. Why not? Yeah.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): We then see Mimi’s pet spider Myteka, who Allen does not treat very well.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (picks up a rock over his head) I will crush you like…a bug! (He throws the rock, but it misses and lands on the sand near Myteka before it scurries away)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): This is another curious moment. If the spider is in fact his (Mimi-Siku’s) pet, why does he look so playful when Allen plunges a rock after it, almost smashing it to smithereens? If, say, someone threw a rock at your cat, would you laugh it off as a comedic moment?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Let’s find out. (He takes a rock and throws it off-screen; a cat screeching is heard)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Woman: (off-screen) Oh, my God, Crackers! Crackers, no!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: No.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Woman: (off-screen) Son of a bitch, you killed my Crackers! (NC reacts and runs off camera right; the same rock is thrown across the screen, and a smack is heard off-screen before NC yelps)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to later in the night during a rite of passage ceremony)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: “Baboon” is your Pinare name.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Baboon?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: Well, at first they wanted to go with “Man Who Must Be Smarter Than He Looks.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: If we get to pick our own names, I’d like to pick this: “Man Who’s Extremely Well-Endowed.” (He chuckles)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The Walt Disney Pictures logo appears over the footage)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): This moment brought to you by Disney.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): It turns out Mimi goes through a ceremony that officially makes him a man, so he expects Allen to hold up his end of the bargain and take him to New York.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Mimi-Siku, I have to get back on the exchange floor. I’m getting married. I cannot take you tomorrow.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: Here, if you make a promise, you keep it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Perhaps she means, like, the promise she made that she would meet Allen outside the plane at the airport, thus not putting him in this mess to begin with. Hypocritical bitch.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patricia: This is the most important day in your son’s life, and now you’re going to humiliate him in front of the whole tribe by not keeping the first promise you ever made to him?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): The son you only told him about two days ago. Again, hypocritical bee-yotch.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Michael and Mimi-Siku riding on the plane back to New York)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Me happy to be with you, Baboon.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): As you probably deduced, he of course decides to take him with, and NOT bring the mother for some reason—you know the drill; bitch of the hypocritical type—as we see Allen meets up with his assistant.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Why didn’t you sell?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: You did not confirm.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: What’s coffee doing now?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: It’s under 90 cents and gone limit down. For 15 years, Michael, you say “sell,” I say “confirm.” Sell, confirm. Sell, confirm. You confirm, and I sell. You didn’t confirm, so I didn’t sell.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Once again, children get to hear that riveting stock market talk. No wonder they put this as a double feature with “Wall Street.” (The movie poster for “Wall Street” appears onscreen briefly over the footage) Oliver Stone would be so proud.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Michael and Richard having a meeting with their boss George Langston)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">George Langston: By tomorrow morning, it could be 85 or lower.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Just wait it out. Something will happen. The market will turn around.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): His boss isn’t happy that the stocks they didn’t sell are now doing poorly, and Mimi misinterprets this as “Set spider loose to commit murder.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Myteka scurries across the floor)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (to George and Richard) Look up! (They both do so) It’s an…alien circle with Mickey Rourke’s picture in it. Look at it!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Myteka kill chief.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: I said I was gonna go and fight the chief, not kill the chief. Around here, only…postal employees kill chief.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): You may also catch on to Tim Allen’s only role in this movie, and that’s to recite all the lines that didn’t make it into unfunny episodes of “Home Improvement.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (to Mimi-Suku while demonstrating how to use a toilet) After you pee, you put the seat back down. Females in tribe start war over this.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to a scene with Michael and Mimi-Suku about to get in a taxi cab after the Arab cab driver had seen Michael raise his arm to signal and pulled up)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Magic!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: No, magic would be if he understands English.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to another scene of Michael and Mimi-Siku having breakfast as Michael reads the ingredients on the side of a Cap’n Crunch cereal box)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Yellow #5 and…zinc oxide? They’ve added a sunblock to it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Wait, wait, I tell a lie. Many of those jokes were from the GEICO caveman show. (Beat) Yeah, you totally forgot that existed, didn’t you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Allen goes to see his fiancé who is a fashion designer, and Mimi immediately falls in love with Martin Short’s daughter, played by Leelee Sobieski.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: (admires Karen (Sobieski) who is being fitted for a dress) Angel on table.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: And now we come to the public service announcement part of our show. This is for all you aspiring writers out there. For everybody out there who’s looking to get something published in Hollywood…don’t ever use the word “angel” in your screenplay. (Beat) Ever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to a clip from “Spiderman 1”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Remember how well it worked in the first “Spiderman” movie?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Aunt May: (to Peter) You grabbed me and said, “Aunt May! Aunt May! Is that an angel?”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): That was heinous.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to a clip from “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): How about when that little “Star Wars” pimple said it?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Anakin Skywalker: (to Padme) Are you an angel?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (speaks while the following movie posters are shown: “Michael,” “Almost an Angel,” “City of Angels” and “Legion”) Any movie even starring an angel seems to be geared for pig-shit failure.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: So please, do yourself a favor and act like you’ve never heard of them. (Beat) Unless you’re doing a parody of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” (A brief clip from NC’s video “You’re a Rotten Dirty Bastard” is shown) Th-That’s okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): After Mimi pulls a stunt walking on the ledge of a building, Allen’s fiancé is concerned that she doesn’t have what it takes to look after him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Charlotte: I don’t think so, Michael.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Mimi’s just visiting. I wanna show him a good time. After that, he goes back home, and we can go back to being the way we were: entirely wrapped up in ourselves.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Just like real New Yorkers.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But Mimi finds it’s still rather difficult to fit in.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Mimi looks over the edge of a railing to see an old woman tending to her birds below on a different porch)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Old Woman: (to her pigeons) Bonjour. Bonjour.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Mimi pulls out a bow and arrow and aims it down at the porch)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Old Woman: We are all so happy today, n’est-ce pas?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Mimi fires the arrow, and it strikes at a pigeon, pinning it against a wall; the old woman screams, though sounding as though squawking a bit in her scream)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: WOW.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): After you calm down your children from seeing a pigeon getting stabbed through the neck, you yourself might be wondering, “Is this funny or horrifying?” Even that woman’s scream seems hostily brutal.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip of the pigeon getting struck in the neck against a wall by the arrow and the old woman’s squawking scream is shown again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): You laugh, but then you ask, “Am I going to Hell for laughing at that?”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Either way, it deserves the Disney logo.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A screenshot of the dead pigeon against the wall is shown with the Walt Disney Pictures logo appearing at the bottom right of the screen, followed by the sound of the old woman’s squawking scream)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Allen has to go to work, so he puts Mimi in the hands of his fiancé.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Charlotte: (lies in bed and stops Allen before he could get up to leave) Wait! I can’t watch him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: You don’t need to babysit him. He’ll be fine.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Yes, you don’t need to babysit a kid who walks around on the ledge of buildings, sets loose killer spiders and nearly decapitates innocent birds.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip of the Old Woman’s squawking scream is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): He’ll be a welcomed addition to the state penitentiary.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Mimi searching for his pet spider)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi: (whispers) Myteka? (He lifts up the bed sheet that Charlotte is sleeping under; she is curled up away from him, while he stares curiously under the bed sheet)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Oh, and we can add sex offender to that lineup, too.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Charlotte wakes up to see Mimi there and screams, startled)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi: Nice pushibushi.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Charlotte: (gets up to wrap the bed sheet around her waist and heads for the bathroom) That is the last pushibushi you’re gonna see around here, you little savage!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Ah, yes, this is yet another classic Disney phrase that’ll make it in the Disney archives.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(For the following title cards, NC speaks the accompanying text that appears onscreen; the first title card is black and has an image of Timon from “The Lion King” on it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): “Hakuna Matata” means “No worries,”…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(An image of a happy-go-lucky bird is shown next)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” means “What a Wonderful Day,”…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A screenshot of Mimi-Siku is shown next)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): And “Pushy-Bushy” means “Vagina.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (lightly chortles) I can see that on children’s shirts in a millisecond.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A Photoshopped image of a small boy wearing a shirt that says “Pushy-Bushy Means Vagina” is shown, along with the Walt Disney Pictures logo at the bottom right corner of the screen, followed by the sound of the Old Woman’s squawking scream)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Myteka is set loose again to partake in what I think is the fifth overused spider joke? And Mimi sets his sights for the Statue of Liberty, and even manages to make his way there undetected. Even though all these people are looking right at him, and yet they tell no one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: An interesting trait of New Yorkers, but not a surprising one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover); Allen is called in about Mimi about climbing the statue, and he tries to explain the ways of New York life.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Didn’t I tell you to wait in the apartment for—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi: I want to see Statue of Liberty.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: I said we’d do that tomorrow.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi: Always tomorrow! You’re too busy for Mimi-Siku! I want to see Statue of Liberty, I go.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Now you might be asking yourself, “Wasn’t he just saying ‘me’ instead of ‘I’ in an earlier scene?”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: (on the plane earlier in the film) Me happy to be with you, Baboon.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Well, there’s a very good reason for that. (Beat) Oh, fuck it, I just want you to hear that woman screaming again.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The clip of the Old Woman screaming is shown again before we see NC form the Walt Disney Pictures logo underneath him with a grin)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So his assistant finds someone else who’s interested in buying the stock, which, it turns out, is the Russian mafia.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Alexei Jovanovic (David Odgen Stiers): Introduce my comrades to you. (His comrades stand up) Thank you, sit down. (to Michael and Richard) Come. We talk business.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): You might be wondering how a movie about a boy in a jungle got to a point in the story where they’re talking about the Russian mafia. (Beat) We’re gonna take a short little break while I figure that out. (He speaks to himself softly, trying to figure something out) Boy in jungle, Russian mafia. What the flying fuck—?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Commercial break)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Okay! I think I figured it out. (He ruffles a couple pieces of paper to gather them together before reading off them) Um, the…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (reads off the accompanying text, listing them onscreen) Loyalty of the Stockholders is at risk, so they Ask several People around Who Have Money, they all have Zany Solutions to the problem, but one seemed Investment Worthy, with No Backfires at all. So they Entered into a Deal of Business with them…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Sneakily and Smoothly.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(NC notices the listed off phrases and dismisses it all, leaving behind only the word “LAZINESS” that appears vertically to the left side of the screen)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: That might be it, too.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jovanovic: I want guarantee that price not drop below 75.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Well, would you look at that? It appears we have come across Jumba from “Lilo and Stitch.” (An image of the Disney character Jumba appears next to Jovanovic’s face briefly) No, I’m not even kidding. That’s really him. He’s also Cogsworth and the bad guy from “Pocahontas.” (Images of the Disney characters Cogsworth and Governor Radcliffe are shown briefly) Obviously, what this movie is trying to say with this casting decision is that Russians are a light-hearted cartoony folk, if you will, that shouldn’t be taken too seriously on any occasion.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: I mean, just look at their leader. (An image of Vladimir Putin is shown briefly) He looks like a funny guy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Allen tells the assistant to get out of the deal, but he foolishly sells the stock to them, anyway. But this doesn’t get in the way of more sentimental moments like this one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Why did Paliku leave you, Baboon?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: I probably took her for granted.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: And now you’re with Charlotte.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Yes, I am.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Many females in your village, Baboon.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Mmm-hmm.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Why you pick only one?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(NC is quite stunned at that line before the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown once again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: (is silent for a moment to think of what to say next) Well, when you pick one to love, it’s very different.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): By the way, don’t you love how he had to think about that for a moment? He didn’t immediately turn it down, like he thought to himself, “Yes! I should get some more hos in my life.” But obviously, something snapped him out of it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Many females in your village, Baboon.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Mmm-hmm.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: Why you pick only one?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(At the bottom of the screen, an image of a group of women, plus an image of Tim Taylor from “Home Improvement” equals the promotional poster for the TV series “Big Love”; upon the appearance of the “Big Love” poster, we hear Tim Allen’s grunting of “Oh, no!” in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Michael: Well, when you pick one to love, it’s very different.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Allen convinces the mafia later that they want to buy the stock because they don’t want to do dealings with the Russian mafia, but as soon as they do buy the stock back, it goes up, making the mafia think they scammed them on purpose, and—again, do your children really have the slightest interest in any of this? Why don’t we go back to showing Poca-hunk-as for the girls and more animal abuse for the boys?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Andrew (Richard’s son): (comes out to inform Karen) Tarzan’s eating Daddy’s fish.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): That’s right. While staying at the assistant’s house, he cooks up his thousand-dollar fish, and oddly enough, the most emotion you’ll feel for any character in this movie is for the loss of his finned little friends.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jan (Richard’s wife): (to Richard while defending for Mimi-Siku) What we have here is an intercultural misunderstanding.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: Well, why don’t you tell that to my yellow dwarf cichlids? Because they can’t hear anymore!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Andrew: (holds up a small scorched fish Mimi had fried earlier) There’s still one left.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A sad violin solo starts to play in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: (sadly takes the scorched fish) Winkie. My most loyal fish. (NC’s caption “Oscar Moment” fades in) Remember…how he used to always follow my finger across the glass? Now I’m gonna have to go like this. (He breaks down into a light sob)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jan: Everybody go to bed. It’s late. (to Richard, tries to take the fish away) Give me this.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: No. No, no.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jan: Come on, sweetheart. (She takes Richard and shows him out of the kitchen) Alright. (to Mimi) Mimi, you go to bed, too.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard: I mean, it’s one thing to—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Karen: Come on, Mom.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): What’s Allen up to during all this? Playing with the blowgun, of course, like a rational parent would.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Testing out the blowgun, the dart flies around, bouncing off a gong and a bell right before it finally strikes on the cat; Michael gasps in surprise before the cat limps off a table, motionless)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Now, some of you may find the abundance of animal cruelty in this movie slightly disheartening, but not nearly as disheartening as Mimi starting his one-boy cult. For as you can observe, he paints her (Karen’s) face, has her speak a new language, and even gives her a new identity.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Mimi-Siku: (gives Karen a new name) Oo-Ku-Mai.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Karen: Oo-Ku-Mai. It’s pretty.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC (voiceover): Her parents must be thrilled.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(Richard finds Mimi and Karen sleeping together on a hammock)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Richard: JEN!!! (Cut to him accusing Mimi (who stands there guilty) while the rest of the family are there together) You started a wildfire in my yard, you ate my yellow dwarf cichlid, (NC’s caption “Mini-Oscar Moment” is shown while an audio snippet of a sad violin solo plays) and now you’re putting the moves on my 12-year-old daughter.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Karen: Nothing happened.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Richard: Well, you know what, Karen? You’re still going to camp; an all-girls camp!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Karen: My name’s not Karen anymore. It’s Oo-Ku-Mai.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: (raises a fist in determination) That’s right; Karen’s your slave name.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC (voiceover): However, the Russian mafia breaks in and holds the family hostage, including little Leelee Sobieski.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: Now, that seems kind of pointless. We all know that she’s going to join a shady…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(Clips featuring Leelee Sobieski’s character Milich’s Daughter from “Eyes Wide Shut” are shown briefly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC (voiceover): …Russian business in the future, anyway.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(Cut to Mimi upstairs and slowly letting Myteka down on top of Jovanovic’s head)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Jovanovic: (threatens Richard (who’s tied up in a chair) with a knife by going over to grab his wrist) Now…I teach you…never, NEVER make a fool out of Jovanovic again.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: But look! Oh! (He shushes at the camera) Don’t interrupt. We are witnessing what many Disney films were experiencing at that time. A painfully…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC (voiceover): …awkward forced slapstick climax.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: Shh! Let us marvel at how unfunny it is.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Jovanovic: (notices in the mirror Myteka on his bald head) Eeee, spider! I hate spider! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: Not one gag is working, no.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(From high above, Mimi jumps on the back of one of Jovanovic’s henchmen)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Richard: Get him, Mimi!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">Karen: (gets up from the couch to help Richard) I’m coming, Daddy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(More chaos ensues in the living room as Michael (having witnessed the hostage scene from the outside) enters the house))

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">NC: Not even the slightest giggle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 361.5pt;">(Jen is now on top of another one of Jovanovic’s henchmen, who shoves Andrew aside before she fights the henchman)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">Richard: Get him, Jen! Show him what the Kempsters are made of!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC: Notice the absence of a smile on my face.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">(Mimi presses a thumb on the first henchman’s neck, making him go stiff and pass out; cut to Mimi kicking the second henchman in the crotch before he goes down; we see that the slapstick has ended with many people passed out on the floor or on the couch)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC: (sighs with relief) Well, I hope you feel privileged about what you just witnessed. (Beat) What was up with the Vulcan thumb bit? I don’t get it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC (voiceover): So the Russian mafia are scared away by a spider—I do wish I was exaggerating that—and we see that Mimi has to go back home. Allen tries to give back the blowgun, but the son wants him to keep it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">Mimi: If you kill a fly, you will be a real Pinare.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">Michael: (doesn’t believe it) Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC (voiceover): So it turns out one day at the stock market that he does in fact see a fly, literally stabs his boss in the back for it, says “Fuck you” to his fiancé, and heads down to his unnatural habitat. (Beat) There were some intelligent animals in this movie, right?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">(Michael shows Mimi the fly he killed with the blowgun)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">Mimi: (smiles) Now you’re a Pinare, Baboon.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC (voiceover): You killed a totally harmless creature that we can get no use out of. We even see Sobieski’s family come with as her father is totally cool with her diving into piranha-infested waters and getting it on with Dances With Mullets.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">(Michael laughs and then shrugs before the film freeze-frames on his shrug and fades to black, ending the film)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC: (lightly chortles) Well, do you see now how a film like this can produce something like that? (He gestures downward as the same image of droppings is shown once more)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC (voiceover): Experts would describe this as a pretty bad flick. The family connections are considered weak, the logic makes little sense, and most of the jokes are—what’s the word I’m looking for? Ah, yes—bad. However, a good chunk of animals get hurt.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC: And out here in the jungle, that’s always good for ratings. (He takes a rock and throws it off-screen camera right; a cat screech is heard) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">Voice: (off-screen) DIE!! (NC recoils and runs off camera left before the rock is thrown across the screen and hitting NC)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">NC: (reacts to being hit) AH!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 375.75pt;">THE END

<span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">Channel Awesome Tagline—(Old Woman’s squawking scream)