Ponyo

[The Critic enters a building through a revolving door and walks around Anime Milwaukee as we hear him narrating with dramatic music playing in the background]

NC: (vo) As I enter my next con at Anime Milwaukee, I realize that I stand upon the threshold of my 200th episode. By god! 200 episodes! I can't just review another bad nostalgic movie. I have to review something different and unexpected, but what could I choose? (looks around the convention) Anime. It continues to be a large part of geek culture. Surely, there must be something strange enough and unique enough that Japanese animation can give me to look at. (sees a stuffed clownfish) Of course! Inspired, ingenius. The internet will love me forever. I now know what I must review for my 200TH EPISODE! (Cut to the Critic in front of a huge crowd waiting in anticipation)

NC: I'm gonna review Ponyo.

''[The music fades, cut to shocked crowd who suddenly runs up to attack him. Cut back to NC cowarding as he screams]''

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Cut to the movie's logo with theme song playing]

Singers: (singing) Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo, fishie in the sea. Tiny little fishie...

[Song plays in background and cut to NC who pokes his head out from behind his chair and comes out to sit down]

NC: Good, I think I've lost them. Ok, look. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don't hate this movie. I don't even dislike it.

(Cut to clips from the movie)

NC: (vo) I think it's good. It's cute, it's creative, it's got memorable characters and visuals, which is what you'd expect from the great director, Miyazaki. I just think there's a few things in this movie that people overlook and that maybe they should look a little closer at. Like I said, it doesn't make it bad but I think it does make it worth another viewing.

NC: And that's not worth killing a guy over, is it? (Hears a mob outside chanting "Crucify Him!") Let's look at Ponyo.

NC: (vo) So as we roam through the ocean, or as the Japanese like to call it "a free buffet", we see a magical man named Fujimoto, voiced by Liam Neeson, who somehow managed to be the father of this strange looking Cartman fish.

Cartman: (audio only) Screw you guys, Imma goin home!

NC: (vo) The Cartman fish mananges to make her way to the surface where she comes across a boy named Sosuke voiced by ... I don't know, one of the million Jonas Brothers.

[Sosuke manages to get on top of a rock before the tide comes in, but not before seeing a pair of eyes in the water] 

Sosuke: That was weird.

NC: (vo) Yup (sighs) We're definitely in a Miyazaki movie. Only in his world can water have eyes, and the only response is...

Sosuke: That was weird.

NC: (as Sosuke) I'm desensitized by seizure-inducing, Asian cartoons.

(Back to movie)

Sosuke: (accidentally cuts his thumb) Ow. (sucks it and picks up Ponyo) It looks kind of dead.

(Ponyo licks his blood)

NC: (vo) Oh my God, it craves blood. Kill it before her thirst consumes us all!

Fujimoto: The boy, this is very bad.

NC: (vo) His mother, played by Tina Fey, allows him to keep the fish and is surprisingly not shocked that it has a face like the Numa Numa kid. But hey, I wouldn't be distracted by that either if I saw this coming towards me.

(Cut to Fujimoto who is walking towards the car with a garden hose in hand and water tank on his back pumping the water)

NC: (vo) Does he really think that's not gonna turn a few heads? It's like if Tim Burton was directing a movie version of 'Mario Sunshine'. (Pictures of Tim Burton and Mario from the same game title is shown)

Lisa: Excuse us.

Fujimoto: Please wait. (The car then speeds away)

NC: (vo) Ah, lets get to one of the more interesting aspects of this movie: THE MOTHER'S FUCKING CRAZY DRIVING! I'm not kidding, her driving in this movie is downright insane. She drives in front of ships, almost falls off cliffs, even with a tidal wave coming, she's like: "Fuck that shit, I'm gonna go G.T.A on this mother." I wouldn't mind too much except that she has a fucking kid with her. If you wanna drive like Tootses the Cat, (clip of Tootses plays, cut back to movie) that's fine. But spare the life of a little Moe Howard here, would ya?

Sosuke: Mom, I think I will call her Ponyo.

(Ponyo grabs the piece of ham sticking out of Sosuke's sandwich and pulls it in the bucket with her)

Sosuke: Ponyo really likes to eat ham.

NC: (vo) So as Ponyo moves from blood to craving fresh flesh, and Sosuke is dropped off at school. Where he suddenly feels afraid to show anybody his new pet.

Little Girl #1: Sosuke!

NC: (vo surprised) Oh hey, I didn't know Kiki was in this movie.

Little Girl #1: ...made a new dress. Isn't it pretty?

Sosuke: Hmmmmmmm...

Little Girl #2: (monotone) Hey Sosuke, Let's go play.

NC: Yeah, nice read kid.

Little Girl #2: (monotone) Hey Sosuke, Let's go play.

NC: (vo) (imitating Little Girl #2) Hey Sosuke, have you seen my soul?

NC: (vo) After school he goes to where his mom works, which is at an old folk's home. HOPEFULLY she doesn't drive them anywhere.

Old Lady #1: AAAAH! It has a real face on it. Put it back in the ocean, don't you realize it'll cause a tsunami?

(Cut to NC who is shocked) 

NC: Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

(Cut to movie)

Old Lady #2: Oh you, it's always a tsunami.

NC: (monotone) I, uh, heh, don't wanna make a joke about that in light of certain events that happened a while ago...

Old Lady #1: Fish with faces that come out of the sea cause tsunamis.

NC: (monotone) You're, uh, making it very difficult for me to avoid(the scene where Old Lady #1 says Tsunami is put on loop and overlaps with the Critic's dialogue) this joke. I really don't wanna make that joke so if you- (scene still continues) stop saying that. Uh- (normal) You know, this is the 200th episode. Shouldn't there be guest stars or something?

(His room door is opened and walks in a very familiar face)

LK: Excuse me, is this the Nostalgia Critic's room?

NC: (stands up and gasps) Internet sensation: Little Kuriboh?!!

(Cut to Little Kuriboh walking into room and shutting door as audience cheer is heard, cut to NC and LK onscreen)

LK: I heard you're reviewing Ponyo.

NC: Well yeah.

LK: Well...(pulls out a baseball bat and whacks NC with it and keeps hitting him during his dialogue with NC crying out in pain) See I rather enjoyed the movie because I think that it was a great movie, while Miyazaki's a genius obviously, and well I think you don't deserve to talk about it because I don't think you did any research because I thought the story was brilliant, and well I think they did exactly what they needed to with the story, the budget, and everything they had. And 'Ponyo' is fantastic, just like any Japanese anime, and that's my two-sense. (throws baseball bat on ground and leaves the room, NC's hand rises weakly)

NC: Little...Kuriboh everybody. (Audience cheer is heard and his hand falls to the floor, cut back to movie)

Ponyo: So...suke.

Sosuke: Ponyo. Sosuke.

Ponyo: Ponyo...loves...Sosuke! (splashes around)

NC: (vo) So Ponyo starts talking, much to Sosuke's amazement. But the Nightmare Before Cthulu comes along and takes her away.

(Tidal wave comes in and engulfs Sosuke and Ponyo and the bucket is now gone)

Sosuke: PONYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

NC: (vo) Sosuke is, of course, upset. But not as upset as his mother is once she discovers that his father, who's a captain of a ship, is going out on another excursion.

Lisa: Too many in a row Kôichi, let someone else take it. Go ahead, abandon your wife and child up here on a cliff all alone. JERK! (slams phone, sighs and goes to fridge and pulls out a beverage)

NC: (vo) This looks like a job for alcohol.

Lisa: Ahhhhh.

(Cut to Sosuke using the light signal)

Kôichi: Hey, my son is working the signal all by himself.

Sosuke: (looking through binoculars at lights flashing across from him) S-o-r-r-y. (looks offscreen) Dad says he's really sorry.

(Lisa comes in and flashes the light rapidly while onscreen there are subtitles saying "Bug off Bug off".)(Cut to between the house and the lighthouse while the light on the right keeps flashing with the subtitle "At least you get more than 4 lines in this movie." Lisa then walks into house, lays on bed and sobs while Sosuke follows her inside and tries to comfort her)

Sosuke: Don't cry mom. I know Dad breaks his promises sometimes, but he does his best for us.

NC: (vo) So (sighs) if driving crazy, getting drunk, and arguing in front of your kid doesn't make you mother of the year, surely having your kid give YOU parental advice oughta do the trick. But Ponyo's father, under the ocean, is finding out what an impact the human world has on her.

Fujimoto: (pokes olive through her bubble, but she refuses) Eat Ponyo.

Ponyo: I..want..Ham!

Fujimoto: Ham? You ate their food, what else did you do? Did you taste blood Brunhilde?

NC: (vo) Wow, he just asked that so nonchalantly. Is that a common thing you ask someone who went to the surface?

(Cut to NC looking offscreen right)

NC: So did you have fun?

NC: (offscreen as Ponyo) Yeah.

NC: Did you take lots of pictures?

NC: (offscreen as Ponyo) Yeah.

NC: Did you taste blood?

NC: (offscreen as Ponyo) Yeah. Oh- I-I mean no.

NC: Oh oh oh, you tasted blood. (as Ponyo) Yeah hahaha. (normal) You tasted blood. Tell me, who did you kill?

NC: (offscreen as Ponyo) A Kardashian.

NC: Well that's ok.

(Back to movie)

Ponyo: Hands. I want hands. (begins to try to form legs and succeeds chicken sound effect is heard)

NC: (vo) Oh, isn't that cute? She's sinning against nature.

Ponyo: I made hands. I'm going to Sosuke.

Fujimoto: ENOUGH!

NC: (vo) But he does manage to finally reduce her down to normal size. Thank God, he almost had to break his monotone for that.

(Cut to Fujimoto who is pouring a chemical into some kind of well)

Fujimoto: (Ed. note- Not sure what he's saying at beginning) and the age of the ocean will begin again. An explosion of life to match the Cambrian age, an end to the era of those abominable humans. (leaves room and closes door)

NC: (vo sounding concerned) Um, yikes! Did he say something about a sea revolution destroying mankind? [That's] sort of a major character discovery that might need a little more explaining. But nope, its just a hobby he's working on. Which, of course, will lead to Ponyo coming across it and accidentally messing up everything and as she becomes more and more human, the chemicals from the well are broken into and creates a monstrous explosion of sea life.

(Huge fish burst out of the sea. Cut to clip from Godzilla)

Nick: That's a lot of fish. (Cut back to movie)

NC: (vo) (singing) Po-o-o-oonyo, Po-o-o-oonyo, Po-o-o-oonyo, destroyer of man.

(Ponyo is seen running across one of the big fish, cut to Kôichi)

Sailor #1: Captain, all of our instruments just went dead.

(Ponyo still running across the fish)

Kôichi: It's a little girl. Looks like she's about Sosuke's age.

NC: (vo) Wow, an army of fish is knocking over your boat lead by a teeny tiny little girl and the first thing to catch your attention is she's roughly Sosuke's age?

Kôichi: It's a little girl. Looks like she's about Sosuke's age.

NC: (as Kôichi) I mean I know she's using her demon powers to wipe out mankind, but still my son and her might get along.

(Cut to Sosuke at school about to leave)

Teacher: Its raining so hard Sosuke, I'll call your mother to pick you up.

NC: (vo) NOOOOOOO! Let him walk, trust me it's safer than letting her drive. But the mother DOES pick him up and, what a shock, she drives like a psycho.

Guard #1: You can't cross here.

Guard #2: You need to go back and seek shelter.

Lisa: (poking head out of window) Ok, but right now I need to get home.

Guard #1: But you can't cross here.

Guard #2: Take the mountain road.

Lisa: (back in car and starts to put it into drive) Hold on, kiddo!

NC: (vo) Oh my God, what is this women's problem? Why does she need to get home? Why is it worth putting your son's life at risk? Nobody's this crazy!

(She makes it past while the intro of Speed Racer plays)

Singers: (Audio only) Go Speed Racer GO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: Turn around. Sit down.

(Sosuke stands up and looks outside to see Ponyo running across the fish)

NC: (vo) (as Sosuke) Mom, what did you put in my lunch? (normal) So apparently, Ponyo's hunger for the flesh called ham is leading to the destruction of the entire city.

(Sosuke still keeps looking out and sees Ponyo as she and the fish get closer to the car)

NC: (vo) (satanic) PONYO wants Ham! (beat) You will not stop my pursuit of Oscar Mayer.

(She's almost close to them)

NC: (vo) (satanic) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!

(Car turns and Ponyo goes flying into the water)

NC: (vo) (satanic) By the demons of the sea, I will have HAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

(Sosuke's bucket goes flying, car stops and Ponyo walks out of the tidal wave that washes up on the road with Sosuke's bucket in hand, cut to Lisa and Sosuke getting out of car and sees Ponyo)

Lisa: (to Sosuke) It is a little girl. (looks out and waves her arm to Ponyo) Come over here!

(Ponyo begins to run towards Sosuke)

NC: (vo) (satanic) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!

(Ponyo hugs Sosuke tight)

NC: (vo) Oh my god, she's eating his face. Her thirst for blood will never be quenched.

(Ponyo begins to hop around happily)

Sosuke: (excited) Mom, Ponyo's back and she's a little girl now. (Ponyo jumps into Sosuke's arms and hugs him)

NC: (vo) So his mother, I'm hoping, doesn't quite know if this is the fish that she saw earlier. But she knows that now she has two kids to look after, so she keeps them inside during the storm.

(Cut to NC's hotel room door opening with another familiar face walking in)

SS: Ey! So where's this Nostalgia Critic? (Crowd applause is heard)

NC: (stands up and gasps) Voiceover Actor: Spike Spencer?!!

(Crowd applause and cheer is heard as Spike Spencer walks in and meet in same place as NC and LK met earlier)

(Ed. note- During the time they're talking, I'm not entirely sure what they're saying to each other as they're dialogues overlap one another. If anyone can give me what they're saying would be much appreciated)

(Spencer leaves a grenade in NC's pants)

NC: ...Thanks so much for leaving a (beat) a grenade(looks down) ...down my pa-(Grenade explodes and we get the Color Bars test pattern screen with a subtitle that reads 'We'll be right back". On the site, it cuts to an advertisement. Back to movie)

NC: (vo) Thus they partake in, what I can only describe as, 'terminal cuteness'.

(Ponyo makes noise as a towel is rubbed through her hair)

Ponyo: Ponyo wants Ham.

Sosuke: All she can think about is ham Mom.

(Next two scenes are her jumping around happily with a lamp on her head. Cut to NC)

NC: (rocks back and forth with hands at side of his head) Kawaii, Kawaiiii!

(Back to movie)

NC: (vo) And yes, she even gets her freaking ham.

(Lisa opens the bowl lids to reveal noodles with ham)

Sosuke: Woah.

Ponyo: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! It's HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

Sosuke: (overlapping) Careful its hot.

(Cut to NC pretending to have a piece of ham in his hand)

NC: (satanic) You know you dream of this day all your life, and then once you have it in the palm of your hands, no satanic powers of the sea can ever match it. (pretends to be eating ham) Ohh, OHHohh. It tastes like the deCEAsed!

(Cut to movie)

NC: (vo) But, again just to show what a great mother she is, Sosuke's mother leaves BOTH of them behind in the middle of a STORM to check on the old people.

Lisa: Right now, our house is a beacon in the storm. You know I need to help the old people.

NC: (vo) Yes. Go to the old folks who are near the end of their existence, and leave behind the young ones who are small and full of life. (Cut to NC) Look you're nice and quirky but, you are HORRID! (vo) But hey, on the plus side it leaves him one less road trip with Crazy McCrash Crash.

(As she drives off, a girl's scream and car driving and crashing sounds play)

Man: AssHOLLLLLLLE!