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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 12 (July 30, 2008)

(That Guy is seen reading a book. He looks up and shuts it)

That Guy: Oh! Nahnamas Balam! Didn't see you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

(Title card comes up with music)

Narrator: Why does Daddy hit Mommy?

That Guy: That's a very good question. Have you ever considered that perhaps she deserved it? So many things can be deserving of a smack. Like if someone's attacking you, coming at you with a weapon, or says something you disgree with. That deserves a smack most of all! And even if Mommy doesn't deserve a smack, he should probably smack her anyway. Why? To make up for the times that he should've smacked her. My place in hell is set.

Narrator: Can you tell me why Paris Hilton still exists?

That Guy: Because someone hasn't killed her yet, and somebody really, really needs to. Now, there is the possibility of ceasing to buy newspaper articles about her, stop watching her T.V. shows, and all around just stop caring about what celebrities do and focus on your own life. Thus creating a better, more independent society. But I think killing her is easier. (slides his pipe across his neck)

Narrator: I was bit by a spider. Am I going to die, or will I become a superhero, run around in tights, save the world while fending off my normal everyday problems?

That Guy: You WILL become a superhero. You will be called "The Incredible Spider". You will jump from rooftop to rooftop, swinging your web, and fighting off all those who stand in the way of injustice. Then you will die.

Narrator: How come there are no genetically altered giraffes that can shoot lasers out of their eyes while backflipping on a trampoline and ejaculating grenades?

That Guy: Because you haven't invented him yet. He's never going to appear if we just keep complaining about it. Follow your dream, obtain your totally ridiculous goal and achieve something! Do this in remembrance of me. (cracks a smile)

Narrator: In the last episode, you said that New Amsterdam had been around for thousands of years. But it clearly has not. Were you lying?

That Guy: No, I'm not. For New Amsterdam HAS been around for thousands of years, they just called it something else. They called it "Hell". And it was run by a man called "Lucifire". And he was responsible for all the sinners. But, then God came in and said "I'm renovating". So, Hell was moved down under the earth, which can still be found today if you search deep enough. But you won't and neither will I. And that is why there is no proof that I am lying. I just creamed myself with joy. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying there is no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it.