X-Men First Class

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "X-Men: First Class."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(singing to the tune of the animated X-Men theme song) Da da da da da da da, spoilers!

There's this guy named Magneto.

Only he's not Gandalf in this movie.

He's a tiny little boy...

(happy) Awww.

...in a concentration camp.

(sad) Awww.

And there's this Nazi who's a bad guy.

Why is it the Nazis are always the bad guys?

And he makes a deal with little Magneto.

"Move that coin, or else I'm going to shoot your mother!"

Hey, that's good. Just move it into my cup.

And Magneto is like, "I can't move it unless I'm really, really angry!"

"Oh, well, why didn't ya say so?" (shoots)

(screams) "I'm so angry I'm going to use all my magnetic powers to kill everybody in this room!"

"Except me?"

"No, I'll let you live for some reason..."

"Well, how long do ya think that's gonna last?"

"Till I'm an adult. Then I'll try to kill ya."

"Oh, good. I've got time."

And then we see another little boy named Xavier.

Only he isn't Jean-Luc Picard yet.

He's also a tiny little boy.

And he comes across a tiny little girl.

Who will later grow up to not be so tiny. (makes big breasts gesture)

And so, little Xavier is like, "I'm going through puberty just looking at you. You wanna stay with us?"

"Won't your parents mind?"

"Nah, I can control their minds. Watch. (turns) She's stayin'!"

(looks hypnotized) "Okay."

(turns back) "Cool."

So Xavier grows up into Mr. Tumnus.

And the little girl grows up into Not-quite-as-hot-as-Rebecca-Romijn-Stamos-but-still-pretty-hot.

So they're brother and sister now. (long pause) Didn't know that.

And Magneto grows up into a very angry person who wants to destroy every Kevin Bacon Nazi he can find!

Which is good, 'cause I hear there's only three.

So the CIA discovers that mutants exist.

And they discover that Kevin Bacon is a mutant who wants to start a war between the USA and Russia!

Because he's tired of the world playing the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon!"

He always wins all the time!

"Apple pie."

"I like apple pie. One degree - I win."

So Xavier and Magneto join forces to stop the evil Kevin Bacon Nazi.

And Xavier is like, "Control your power. You must first control your anger. Just like how I control my hair loss."

"Why is it I don't trust you?"

And they come across another mutant named Hank McCoy!

Or, as everybody calls him, Beast!

Why?

Because "Beauty and the Hank McCoy" doesn't sound as catchy!

But he isn't a beast yet! He just has hands on his feet!

I had hands on my feet once!

Then I took 'em off.

Oh, and Wolverine has a cameo!

"Hi Wolverine!"

"F*** off."

"O-kay. By the way, you know this is PG-13, right?"

"I'm only saying it once!"

"Gooood."

You know, for kids!

So the Kevin Bacon Nazi gets help from this woman named Emma Frost.

Who can turn her entire body into diamonds!

Oh my God, she's one of the vampires from Twilight!

Stop her! Her pretentiousness will eat us alive!

So Xavier gets all these other young mutants together.

But then the Kevin Bacon Nazi drops by!

And he's like, "All the least popular mutants step forward to join my team."

"Why?"

"Because you're probably gonna die and you're expendable."

"Eh, I got more screentime than Hugh Jackman!"

"Wait a minute! I'm Darwin, and I can't let this happen!"

"Darwin!? What do you do?"

"I evolve!"

"Can you evolve from death?"

"Probably not--" (Hadouken sound is heard and he mimes eating energy, then explodes)

DARWIIIINNNNNN!!

You were taken from us too soon! I feel like I only knew you for ten minutes!

Oh, wait, because I only knew you for nine!

So now the X-Men are really pissed off and wanna go after the Kevin Bacon Nazi.

So they start training themselves to be tough and find it's not so bad to be a mutant.

Except for Hank. He's a bit of a whiner.

"I don't like having hands on my feet! That's why I created a cure to stop it! (mimes sticking needle in shoulder) Oh, wait, silly me. Instead of reversing the mutation, it does the exact friggin' opposite. How could I have missed that?! I think I'm a bad scientist."

So the Beast turns really hairy. (Poof sound; Chester's hair switches so it's in front of his face)

And everybody's like, "Don't feel so bad. One day James Cameron will wanna rip that off."

So the X-Men are off to stop the war between the Russians and the USAians.

Everybody's flying around shooting missiles at each other.

And then Magneto comes across the Kevin Bacon Nazi!

And just when Magneto has him exactly where he wants him, he says, "I'm gonna count to three and move this coin." (holds one up)

(waves cup) Oh, I'll take it! I'll take it!

(Sends coin flying through head accompanied by bullet sound; Chester backs off) Ooh, I do not want that coin.

So Magneto steals his spear and magic helmet.

And Magneto is like, "We must stop them before they fire their missiles at us!"

But Xavier is like, "Dude, they're not gonna fire their missiles at us!"

"Fire our missiles at them!"

(turns) "Okay, you're really not helping."

But Magneto takes the missiles and throws it right back at them.

And Xavier is like, "You're a jerk!"

"You're a jerk!" (Mimes having sissy fight)

But then somebody fires a gun and Magneto accidentally flings the bullet into Xavier's backside.

I had a bullet in my backside once!

Never call Ted Nugent funny-looking.

So Xavier falls to the ground and can't feel his legs anymore.

Which is weird, seeing how he can control then move other people, yet he can't move his legs? I dunno.

And Magneto is like, "Fellow mutants, you are either with me or against me!"

And Mystique is like, "Sorry, Charles. Even though you're my brother, you can't walk anymore, and I have no motivation to go with him, I'm going to go with him."

(on ground) "For some reason, I'm totally cool with this."

"Okay, bye!"

But then Xavier is like, "Oh, by the way, a long time from now when I lose my hair and you look a lot older, is there any chance we can put aside our differences for one day, go to a girl's house, and say 'Wow, she looks incredible' and act like we're friends?"

"As long as we can go back to being enemies immediately after!"

"Well, that goes without saying."

So Xavier opens up his school of freaks and geeks.

Magneto goes to get Emma Frost out of jail.

And all sorts of continuity is totally screwed up!

HOORAY!

So obviously they're gonna make a kinda sorta sequel out of this kinda sorta prequel. But only if this one kinda sorta makes money.

And there's only one way for that to happen.

CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Oh, c'mon, I promise I'll give it to the movie makers! C'mon, change!

What if I promise to get Gambit in the next movie? I'll change 'er from a ten minute cameo to an eleven minute cameo!

(Post-credits blooper has Doug and Rob laughing over and being unsure about the "Why is it the Nazis are always the bad guys?" line.)