Lost in Adaptation: The Witches

The Dom compares the 1983 Roald Dahl novel The Witches with its 1990 film adaptation.

Intro
The Dom: Hello, Beautiful Watchers; and hello again, Roald Dahl, you sociopathic maniac masquerading as a children's book author. Welcome back!

Poll
People Asked: 45

Saw the Film: 30

Read the Book: 25

The Dom: As you may have picked up on in the Wizard of Oz review, young The Dom wasn't so keen on the concept of witches; but fortunately, my adolescent discomfort didn't follow me into adulthood this time. Now, before I start with the comparison, I just need to get a few non-adaption-related things off my chest. (clears his throat) Child acting.

(shows Luke with the Grand High Witch)

Luke: (overdramatically) My grandma! If you...hurt my grandma-

Grand High Witch: Silence!

(The Dom shakes his head and gives a thumbs-down)

The Dom: Rowan Atkinson.

(shows Helga brushing out a red dustpan as Mr. Stringer watches)

Helga: Lovely, isn't it? Red.

Mr. Stringer: Yes. Red. (takes the dustpan with annoyance)

(The Dom smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

The Dom: Possible cruelty to real animals.

(shows a mouse in the film walking around with a stone tied to its tail, followed by The Dom shaking his head disapprovingly)

The Dom: Surprisingly effective practical effects.

(shows Bruno transforming into a mouse, followed by The Dom smiling and giving a thumbs-up)

The Dom: Ahhhhhhhh! Thanks, I feel much better now. Right! On with the show!

What They Didn't Change
The Dom (V.O.): The film took no liberties with the concept -- in this world, witches exist in secret, blending in with normal people by disguising their supernatural traits and spending all of their free time trying to rid the world of children, who *they* find abhorrent. Each country's witches apparently meet once a year with their world leader to exchange notes and ideas.

Pretty much all the major plot points of the book are covered. A witchophile and her recently orphaned grandson just happen to go on a short holiday at the same time and hotel as the annual witches' conference, and the lad accidentally ends up locked in a room with them. He overhears their plan to turn every child in England into a mouse using a magic formula; gets discovered and turned into a mouse himself; escapes; hatches a plan to stop them with his grandmother; steals some of the formula; spikes the witches' soup with it; and turns *them* all into mice as well, thus saving the country.

The opening narration that describes the characteristics of witches *is*, for the most part, lifted straight out of the book. The claws, the lack of hair and toes, and the weird sense of smell that associates children with dog's droppings are all original witch features. In both versions of the story, the witches' disgust with and overpowering need to kill children is not explained and left as just something witches do. The lad's random encounter with a witch at the beginning is pretty accurate to the book, attempted snake bribe and all -- if that dumbass had whipped a *Nintendo* out of her bag, that boy would've been *hella* dead. There is a good helping of original book dialogue in the film, although hampered slightly by the switch-over from '80s to '90s terminology.

In addition to the main plot's accuracy, this movie's also abundant with *small* touches like the boy's pet mice tightrope training -- which I mention because they made a big deal out of it in the book -- him losing the end of his tail before taking cover in the chef's trousers, and Bruno's intention to live out a life of rodent gluttony in a kitchen cupboard.

That the witches were meeting under the guise of the RSPCC -- a group ironically *against* cruelty to children and a parody of the real-life *N*SPCC -- is in the book. I wonder if those guys lost any revenue 'cause Dahl suggested they might be a front for witches -- if I had to put money on it, I'd say the Red Cross being a front for *vampires* is much more likely; but that's all the more reason *to* donate blood to them so they don't get hungry enough to hunt us again and...I'm going off on a bit of a tangent, aren't I?

All the witches hyper fangirling out to the Grand High Witch is accurate and amusing, as is her habit of rhyming when she's excited about something. Her bad habit of zapping naysayers with her laser vision was also in the book -- you know, now that I think about it, I wonder why she never tried using that superpower again.

(shows the Grand High Witch blasting laser vision toward a bush where Luke is hiding and blowing it up, followed by the text "THE END")

What They Changed
The Dom (V.O.): As I said, the description of the witches *mostly* made it into the film unaffected, the one exception being, the obvious purple tint to their eyes is a lot less subtle than the shifting color right at the center of their pupil -- only visible if you look really closely -- described in the book. The film apparently didn't *quite* have the balls to go full child murdery, like they did in the book, instead going half-measures like them being magically transplanted into paintings to live out their lives; this also means they skipped over the part where the Grand High Witch *orgasmically* fantasizes about how amusing it will be when the children who have been turned into mice are *killed* by their own parents and teachers. In the book, the witches just straight-up *took* children, never to be seen again; or slowly turned them into stone, forcing their parents to keep them as becarved hallway decorations. The lead kid is changed from being English to American in the film -- ughhhh, this is like White Tiger Lily all over again (shows Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily in Pan); you can't ignore my people forever, America!

One particularly amusing change is the name of the hero. In the book, it's never actually said out loud; and he's usually just referred to as "the boy" when the book is described. The *film*, on the other hand...(shows clips of characters saying Luke's name in the film) Would you guys mind terribly if I keep calling him this in regards to the book? It's just easier than trying to think up synonyms for "boy" constantly.

The character of Luke's grandma is toned down considerably, and that's *actually* a big shame. The woman in the book was *hilariously* mental -- remember that old person who accosted you in the bar that one time and demanded to know your stance on the Illuminati and the Black Pope? That's essentially her; but against all the odds, in this case, the gibberish she was spouting turned out to be completely accurate. Seriously, if you read the book as an adult, she's *so* fucking funny; if she wasn't sprouting witch lore, encouraging Luke to undertake more and more dangerous missions, she was *trying* to get him to start *smoking*! The grandma of the movie who was actually *concerned* for the safety of her grandson and seemed aware of the insanity of the situation is more *realistic*, but less book-like.

The film makes multiple references to a past history between her and the Grand High Witch that was lacking in the book -- a small fry like her would've been *so* far beneath the Witch's notice, it's doubtful she *ever* became aware of her existence. Speaking of the Grand High Witch, in the book, when she has her mask on, she's described as being short, young, and very pretty-looking -- I don't begrudge them this change, as Angelina Hudson here (text appears reading "Anjelica*: Typical The Dom name fail") just MADE this movie!

The chase sequence with a pram going over the cliff is film only. In the book, 80 experienced child killers had *no* issue grabbing one boy and stopping him from escaping. *This* change brings up the question as to why he didn't start *screaming* at the top of his lungs for help the second he was outside *or* how the witches managed to get him from a fourth-floor hotel room to the ground-floor conference room without ANYONE in the hotel questioning why an army of old ladies was carrying a struggling child around.

Bruno's father is given the Full Asshole Makeover. In the book, he only shows up briefly looking for his child, and then attempts to confront the Grand High Witch just before she turns into a mouse. I'm not entirely sure what the movie gained from having him in the background constantly complaining about the hotel and genuinely being a vile douchebag to everyone -- uuuughhhhh! As someone who's worked in the customer service industry for years, I just want to make it very clear that these sort of people aren't funny; they're frickin' EVERYWHERE, and they make our lives a living HELL on a DAILY BASIS!!

Bruno himself is actually made a little *nicer* in the film. While he *is* portrayed as a greedy, vain, self-absorbed young man, he was *way* worse before. The first time he and Luke meet in the book, he's outside burning ants to death with a magnifying glass. The witches turning this little shithead into a mouse may have actually *saved* the world from a future serial killer!

The maid with the extreme mouse phobia was only mentioned in passing in the book. The recurring joke about her having it off with a manager is a new addition, along with her mistaking Formula 86 for perfume and growing hair on her body. Luke and his grandmother don't think to steal all the witches' money at the end of the book; but by gum, they *should have*, so I'll allow it.

The most significant change between the book and the film involves a film-only introduction of a fairly minor character: the personal assistant to the Grand High Witch. Throughout the film, she's verbally and physically abused by the Grand High Witch until she's driven into quitting her job and becoming some sort of good witch savior. She tracks Luke down and magically turns him back into a *human* in the last scene of the film.

If you *haven't* read the book, you *might* be wondering, "Well, if *she's* not in the original story, how *does* Luke get turned back into a little boy?" Well, he doesn't -- yeah, at the end of the book, he's *resigned* to being a mouse forever. I mean, *damn*, that's like Sophie finding out she's stuck being an old lady for good in Howl's Moving Castle. However, Luke himself is *perfectly* fine with this, even though he acknowledges that, as a mouse, he's gonna have a *vastly* shortened lifespan -- his reasoning being he didn't want to outlive his 86-year-old grandmother anyway. That's just...wow. In a *ten*-chapter book, Dahl manages to work in a young child coming to terms with his own mortality *and* taking it in his stride. Looked at that way, the seemingly more appealing and less bittersweet ending of the film is a *total* disappointing cop-out. Also, I personally could have done *without* seeing that child naked, even though it *was* interesting that he didn't have a penis.

Luke: It's me, Luke!

(shows clips of Helga saying Luke's name)

Grand High Witch: ENOUGH!

What They Left Out Altogether
The Dom (V.O.): The film leaves out the Grand High Witch listing the necessary ingredients to make Formula 86. Apparently, in the Roald Dahl universe, magic works via metaphors: if you wish to shrink a child, you put the wrong end of a telescope in the potion; if you want a delayed reaction on the transformation, what you do is you set an alarm clock and then brew that in as well -- it's all based on that sort of logic.

In the book, during Luke's infiltration of the Grand High Witch's hotel room, he encounters some distressed-looking frogs hiding under the bed and realizes that they must be other children who have fallen victim to her magic. Shortly later, he overhears the witch telling them how she's going to kill them later; and then, they're never seen or referenced again in the book -- so I guess they're another great example of how Dahl didn't feel *any* particular need to give everyone a happy ending.

In the book, it's explained how the witches have so much money, as the Grand High Witch has a money *printing press* in her castle in Norway. They also left out the plan that Luke and his grandmother were preparing at the end to infiltrate said castle with more of the formula and turn all the *Norwegian* witches into mice as well. Phase two of their plan involved an army of cats, so it's AUTOMATICALLY the best plan EVER! (shows a group of cats) You kitties!

The Dom's Final Thoughts
The Dom: Reports are inconclusive, but it's generally believed that Dahl really didn't like the Witches movie very much; considering it toes the line of the plot almost all the way through, I can only assume this is due to the ending. *If* that is the case, I might go out on a limb and say he should've just gotten over it -- yes, that part of the film is *undeniably* a cop-out; but that shouldn't be enough to turn you off what is otherwise a very loyal adaptation.

You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and predict a big old reboot in this film's near future, filled with CGI mice (a CGI mouse appears in his hand) and uncomfortably sexy witches (two beautiful women appear dancing on either side of him) -- make a note of this now, marvel at my precognitive powers later. Goodbye, Beautiful Watchers. (drops the mouse and turns to one of the women) Hey, baby, how you doin'?