It's Stupid at the Top

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, like so many much, much more talented people before me, our little video bag of horrors has been picked up by That Guy With The Glasses. If this is your first time viewing, allow me to say both welcome, and I am so very, very sorry. You know, getting involved with something like this means I'm not completely in charge anymore. But, truth be told, everyone answers to someone, be it in ways large or small. Now, most of the time, this keeps the world running smoothly, but sometimes you get saddled with that one guy whose idea of leadership is invading Poland, or drilling in the Gulf of Mexico without checking the failsafes...or giving Smallville ten goddamn seasons. So, with that in mind, this week we're looking at authority, and how the wrong person in charge can turn a magnetic lite brite into a terrorist threat. Not...not that the folks at Channel Awesome are like that. It's not like I'm insinuating they made bad decisions, after all, they picked up this show, right? Okay, bad example. Let's, um, let's-let's get to the cartoon before I get myself fired on my first video.

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Authority")

Nash (vo): (Three stick men are standing around, two hitting each other with clubs) In our early days, humanity pretty much did whatever the hell they felt like. While this era is virtually porn for anthropologists, not a whole lot was actually getting accomplished. (as he said that, another stick man comes in going "weeeee" while streaking, CENSORED covering his crotch. Stick Boy now gets a lightbulb over his head) But, eventually, someone came up with the grand idea to organize everyone together for a singular purpose. (Stick Boy is pointing to a drawing of a house to a crowd, who then cheer. The house looks more like boards propped together, leaving Stick Boy confused) Although the results probably left a great deal to be desired, it still marked the birth of management. (and somehow, the house explodes, making Stick Boy facepalm) In the time since, the ability to command large groups has given rise to the greatest accomplishments of our species. On the other hand, abuse of authority has also caused some of the greatest atrocities and catastrophes in history to occur, and therein lies the problem. (Stick Boy's in an office listening to someone on the phone, a speech bubble popping up on the phone showing the moon with an American flag) See, when you gather folks together for a common goal, it's vitally important that it's the right people leading the way. (Stick Boy's talking to Crazy Stick Boy, first having a speech bubble with the American flag on the moon) While a visionary will lead us to amazing accomplishments, some yutz who was put in charge only because he's someone's brother in-law will lead to an event that'll make Jackass 3D look like Schindler's List. (CSB's sitting on a rocket with a helmet on. Stick Boy's in the office when CSB's flying outside into the moon, blowing it up)

Nash: So, now that we've got some idea how we get from hot air ballons to Hindenbergs, let's get to our first story, where the British Canadian Automobile Association has an original idea for a new speed bump: small children!

(The report is titled "Speed Bumps of the Future: Creepy Optical Illusional Children")

Nash (vo): The BCAA has devised a new type of speed bump based on an optical illusion. And what might that illusion be? Why, the form of a little girl popping up out of the asphalt in the middle of the fucking road.

Nash: Oh yeah, having a phantom child just spring up in front of you while you're rolling down the street, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let's do the math. This, (a clip of traffic) plus this, (a clip of the optical illusion in effect) equals fucking this! (a clip of a police car going off the ramp and crashing into a semi) If something popped up out of the ground at me while I was driving, I'd swerve. You'd swerve. We'd all goddamn swerve! And what's the BCAA's response to this valid criticism? Well, let me quote here. "If a driver can't respond to this properly, that person shouldn't be driving." Yeah, no! See, if you go too fast over a speed bump, you usually only end up damaging your own property, namely the suspension of your car. If on the other hand a little fucking ghost girl causes you to careen off the road into your local Denny's, that's a bigger deal. You can't just say, "well that person shouldn't have been driving" when your idiotic idea results in senior citizens having to pick shards of a coffee pot out of their asses for the rest of their goddamn lives! In short, think! Next up, well, there's authority, and then, there's authority. From Nigeria, a man drove his car into a parked plane. But it's okay, Jesus told him to.

(The report is titled "Man rams car into parked plane.")

Nash (vo): No, really, the man drove onto an airport runway and smashed his car into the plane, then told everyone in earshot that "All Nigerians were sinners who must repent or perish." Oh, wait, this one, uh, this might be my fault.

(We cut to a clip of a movie (anyone wanna ID what this is?)

Nash (vo): Hey, Kent, what's up? It's Jesus.

(We cut to Nash speaking in a mic)

Nash: Listen, I just got an email...

(Back to the movie)

Nash (vo): ...from this Nigerian prince, and...

(Back to the room)

Nash: ...well, long story short, I'm out ten grand. So...

(And back to the movie)

Nash (vo): What I'm gonna need you to do is head on over there, and, uh, I dunno...

(Back to the room)

Nash: ...drive your car into a plane, or, condemn the sinners. Do something, you know? Oh and Kent?

(Back to the movie)

Nash (vo): This movie's all you'll be remembered for, and your career's gonna fall in the toilet immediately afterward.

Kent: It is God.

(Back to the room)

Nash: Uh, buddy? What the fuck is wrong with you!? Jesus does not need you to drive into a plane! Why would he? He's Jesus! Of all the things I associate with Jesus, ramming a Volvo into a DC-9 ain't one of them! And if this is your idea of serving the will of the Lord, well, let's consult the scriptures on it. (He takes out a bible and flips to a page) Let's see, here we go. Uh, 1 Corinthians, Verse 7. "And yea, did the Lord say unto thee..." (puts the bible down) You're not fucking helping! (then puts the bible away) Moving right along, let's play a little game. What do you think of when I say the words "deadly weapon?" If you answered foam rubber, you're either brain damaged, or the police in our next story.