Russian The Hobbit

- - - (Opening credits listed over footage from the Russian version of "The Hobbit") - - -

The Cinema Snob: Do you wanna experience the magic of Tolkien's "The Hobbit", BUT you don't have 9 hours to kill? Don't worry. The Russians have got your back. In 1985 a 70-minute Russian version of "The Hobbit" was produced, which itself led to the end of the Cold War – as we all remember in Reagan's immortal words: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this Eye of Sauron". Just think of the 70-minute version of "The Hobbit" as the "Applesauce on the Go" of Tolkien movies. Yeah, sure there is the animated version, but it's impossible to watch that anymore without thinking of Mr. Slave's ass!

- - - (A puppet opens the Snob's door and peeks inside) - - - Puppet: Hey, asshole! I thought you were gonna talk about "Meet the Feebles" this week!?

The Cinema Snob: When did I say that? Of course I'm doing Russian "The Hobbit"! Peter Jackson's "The Hobbit" comes out this week!

Puppet: You still could've done "Feebles"; it's DIRECTED by Jackson!

The Cinema Snob: Yeah, well…… Yeah, it actually does raise an interesting point. If only there was a movie-clip somewhere detailing my exact thoughts at this very moment.

??????????: The dummy is right.

The Cinema Snob: Ah, oh well. At least he's not yelling at me about not doing "Friday the 13th: 3D" this week.

Puppet: …Yet! (leaves and closes the door)

The Cinema Snob: Pfft, don't mind him. His parents were killed during the making of "Woodchipper Massacre".

The Cinema Snob (vo, as the Russian opening credits are shown): This version comes to us from……. ehm, 'Russian-word-productions'!? It's a lot of words for; "In Soviet Russia, Smaug desolates you".

The Cinema Snob (as clip of the movie's narrator is shown): If things look bleak here it's because this is 1985 and Russia is still mourning over the defeat of Ivan Drago. I think this is supposed to be J.R.R. Tolkien… I'm not sure. We'll know, if the internet starts fighting about what he would really think of Peter Jackson. Sorta looks like he's upset because clearly his co-anchor stood him up (referring to the empty chair in the background). In any case, Russian Walt Disney looks much more like the real thing than Tom Hanks.

The Cinema Snob (as clip of Bilbo, dressed in a ridiculous outfit, is shown): This is either Bilbo Baggins or judging from that hat it's Adebisi from HBO's "Oz" (picture of Adebisi with the tiny hat is shown).

The Cinema Snob (as clip of Gandalf is shown): Oh hey, I think Spoony used this very same costume in Russian "Suburban Knights". Russian "Suburban Knights" is a little like regular "Suburban Knights", only it ends with all of us taking over a small, mid-western town with the Cubans. It's rare I see a wig so sparkly that I think KC and the Sunshine Band are snorting blow inside of it. Looks like Liberace sneezed on his face.

Gandalf: *speaks Russian*, Mr. Bilbo Baggins.

The Cinema Snob: Haha hey, I understood THAT word… even though I kinda already knew that it was Bilbo… You better hurry, I don't think Bob Ross is finished painting the background yet.

Gandalf (with fake subtitles added by the Snob): Years from now, this part of the story will be at the 90-minute mark in the Hollywood version.

The Cinema Snob: Wow, is he psychic? Hold on, kids! The magic is just beginning.

- - - (Shot of Gandalf about to perform a magic trick, which abruptly cuts away to the narrator speaking Russian) - - - The Cinema Snob: HEY, WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING??? MAGIC WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!!!

The Cinema Snob (as shot of Bilbo drinking tea, breaking the 4th wall, is shown): Not the kind of magic that involves Bilbo giving us the bedroom-eyes for some reason. Is it just me or is the soundtrack playing "Up on the Housetop"?

- - - (Bilbo whistles the tune of something similar to "Up on the Housetop") - - - The Cinema Snob: Makes sense; Gandalf also doubles as Middle Earth's Santa Claus.

The Cinema Snob (as the other Hobbits arrive at Bilbo's house): Don't you just hate it when a dinner-rush comes in five minutes before closing? I see hipster-Bilbo can't go anywhere without his scarf. They're all getting together so they can convince Nathaniel the Grublet that it's okay to steal. I see this is why there was no more room at the inn for Mary and Josef. When Gandalf said he wanted to host an orgy at Bilbo's he neglected to tell them that it was gonna be all men.

Gandalf (fake subtitles): Gentlemen, I have called this meeting to order to discuss our complaints about the "Warcraft" film.

The Cinema Snob (as the hobbits gather around the table to eat): Any minute now they're gonna start singing about why it's great to be a Stonecutter. They came at the right time too, it's 'All-you-can-eat-wings"-night. And you can't have long hair to possibly smelly men at dinner and NOT invite John Lennon.

Narrator (fake subtitles): This is normally where the musical number is, but that would be a huge waste of time. Just kidding, here it is.

- - - (The hobbits sings and dances around while they do the dishes) - - - The Cinema Snob: Bah! I prefer the old days when they mostly made movies like Russian "Bad Taste" or Russian "Dead Alive".

The Cinema Snob (as Bilbo stares directly at the camera and turns his head): Good job subtlety pretending that you didn't look at the camera there. No need for a second take, I saw nothing. Bilbo looks like Fatty Arbuckle being read his rights. And now he looks like the guy at every dance club who's only there because of his date.

- - - (The song ends as the scene abruptly cuts back to the narrator looking confused) - - - Narrator (fake subtitles): I'm as lost as you people.

The Cinema Snob (vo): It's a good thing they shot this scene before smoking was outlawed in every Shire establishment. And who elected the Cowardly Lion as their leader? (As Bilbo falls asleep) Oh no, if Bilbo is falling asleep 15 minutes in, what chance does the audience have!?

Gandalf (fake subtitles): Quick, lets stack plates on his head!

The Cinema Snob: I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure Bilbo ejaculates in this next scene.

- - - (Bilbo almost passes out to a weird soundeffect) - - - The Cinema Snob: Hmm, I heard that same sound when the trailer to the new "Captain America" movie premiered. Best be quiet as they go over their plan to steal millions of dollars from Andy García's casino. Actually Bilbo is going along with them to act as a burglar, they're gonna share some treasure that's being watched over by a dragon named Smaug. (A beat) …Yeah, that needs to be 9 hours. But back to the music…

- - - (The hobbits chants a word that sounds like "Cooch" and the scene cuts abruptly back the narrator) - - - Narrator (fake subtitles): Their search for "Cooch" is now underway.

The Cinema Snob (as the hobbits journey through a forest): Alright, fellow travelers, I'm lost too. If only there was a 15-minute cutaway to Radagast covered in birdshit; that would totally help! Uh, I love pass the vodka, especially when you're at the end of the line when you get a whole half bottle of backwash all to yourself.

- - - (The hobbits disappears into the fog as weird music plays along, cutting away to the narrator looking absolutely clueless) - - - Narrator (fake subtitles): I've got nothing.

The Cinema Snob (vo): They come across their first obstacle, discovering the lost set of a forgotten tramps film. This is actually Flaming Brian's anus after drinking the Ass Reaper. Careful, guys. Don't get too close. You're gonna get sucked into the medieval ages with Bruce Campbell. I'm now a third of the way through this movie, so it's best that I stop now and divide this review up into three parts. We'll see you next time, folks!

- - - (The Snob leaves his chair followed by the ending credits) - - - The Cinema Snob (returning back to his seat, grinning): Hahahaha… Nah, I'm just kidding! That would be ridiculous! (Serious face) …Even though, I would make a lot more money…

The Cinema Snob (back to the movie, cave-scene): Not sure, but I think that lizard or whatever may have fallen to its death. This is as comfortable as it's gonna get, boys! Find the nearest rock and catch some shuteye.

- - - (Shot of Gandalf making a creepy smile and lifting up his cape to the tune of creepy music) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Uhm, is he gonna fuck them?

The Cinema Snob (as we see Bilbo's trippy dreams): Why is Bilbo dreaming about that dopey buzzard from Looney Toons? Christ, is there a magic mirror in every fantasy novel? Wether it's a castle or a cave? I have a feeling this is gonna get very campy.

- - - (The song "I Want to Love You Tender" is played over a scene of dancing, hooded people) - - -

The Cinema Snob: Hmm, that's not campy! That's just catchy!

The Cinema Snob (as the framerate of the dancing scene drops significally): It's that moment when you don't know if it's the video fucking up or if it's just the movie. They're just trying out their new camera that shoots 5 frames a second. (Shot of the campfire placed right in front of Bilbo) Is anyone gonna acknowledge that Bilbo is ON FIRE??? (Adressing the outfit of one of the hobbits aka "the Cowardly Lion" from earlier) It kinda looks like an orange is giving birth to him. Heads up, travelers! Von Kaiser is very easy to defeat; wait for the uppercut and punch him in his laughing face. I don't know why they give Bilbo so much shit. In some shots he looks like the tallest one.

- - - (A fighting scene is shown) - - - The Cinema Snob: Are the sound effects done by the neighborhood LARPers? Well, good job.

Narrator (fake subtitles): My friends stopped showing up years ago. Now I only have you to tell this story.

The Cinema Snob (as Bilbo finds the ring): Ah hey, it's that part where Bilbo finds Joe Theismann's Super Bowl ring and Gollum fucking wants it back. This scene happens at about the 32-minute mark, which coincidently is the length of the scene in the newer version.

Narrator (fake subtitles): Whatever Gollum hits… He destroys!

The Cinema Snob (vo): By the way, under this costume is still Andy Serkis. God damn, that guy can play anything! I hear there's a petition going around to get him nominated for a Russian oscar. Think he's been down here a while; he's looking a little moldy. Hell, didn't Santa Claus conquer this guy a Rifftrax last week?

Gollum (fake subtitles): This place may look like the inside of Jabba the Hutt's vagina… But it's what I call home.

The Cinema Snob (vo): He's dressed as a road dishwasher who got caught in a fisherman's net. I wish this was done with motion capture. That way he could look 'not real'.

Narrator (fake subtitles): That'll be enough of that, now who wants potato skins?

The Cinema Snob (addressing Gollum's appearance): I can't tell, are those fangs or does he have two shorties sticking out of his teeth?

Bilbo (fake subtitles): Even at 70 minutes, this scene still feels like it goes on too long.

Gollum (fake subtitles): I concur.

The Cinema Snob: Well, if you've been doing this long enough, your thoughts tend to project on the subtitles. Oh and I think that your pond in the background is farting.

Bilbo (fake subtitles): Oh Gollum! Piss off :)

Narrator (fake subtitles): As you can see, faithful viewers, Bilbo is a huge dick. Maybe one day Leonard Nimoy will sing a song about him.

The Cinema Snob (as the hobbits enter the spider forest): I'm not entirely sure which character is which here, but I think the framing wants me to pay more attention to the trees. (As spiders appear) What, THIS is the twist? Pennywise was a spider? …Hmm, don't try spraying battery acid in his face. (Shot of hobbits being caught in web, clearly holding onto it) This is an easy fix, guys. Just let go of the web!

Hobbit in yellow outfit (fake subtitles): Tickle tickle. Tickle tickle tickle.

The Cinema Snob: Bilbo's got the right idea; beat it with a stick.

Narrator (fake subtitles): In the new film, 25 minutes will be dedicated to Bilbo looking for said stick.

The Cinema Snob (as shot of humans carrying lanterns is shown): What the hell? I don't know why this is being interrupted by a performance of "Godspell", but I'll wait… (the hobbits in this shot are clearly shrunk digitally) Uuuh, huhuhehehe, okay. I'm gonna tell this movie the same thing that I told "Snow White and the Huntsman"; it's okay to hire short people.

The Cinema Snob (referring to one of the humans): Fuck, I think that IS Andy Serkis! Seen here making friends with Prince Adam.

- - - (The hobbits and humans sings "Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins! The bravest little Hobbit of them all!") - - -

Narrator (fake subtitles): That'll never catch on.

The Cinema Snob (vo): Why is it that every set in this looks exactly the same? I don't know if they've walked 20 miles or 20 feet!? But regardless, I'm glad it's only 70 minutes! Here he is talking about how he never wanted to be Bilbo Baggins, because he spent years training to be the next Curly Joe Derita. Hold still, you can't go until you take a whiff of a fine bottle of Belvedere vodka. (Referring to the narrator) I hope that by the end of this this guy completes his transformation into Dean Stockwell. (As Bilbo enters Smaug's cave) Huh? Why is he going back to visit Gollum? Oh, ehm… he's not!? It just looks like the same set. Remember kids, if you discover pure crystal meth in a cave, you'll end up chasing a dragon.

Smaug (fake subtitles): Roar!

The Cinema Snob: The Special effects work here is very questionable, but my god is Benedict Cumberbatch's voice haunting. This, by the way, is Smaug; the name that makes you think that you're butchering the accent of a British person saying the word 'smog'. Smaug strikes fear into men holding a conversation with them but never actually looking them in the eye. Honestly all he really wants is a belly rub. "Uh, who's a good Smaug?".

Bilbo (breaking the 4th wall with a very creepy smile on his face): Hi.

The Cinema Snob (looking around in a confused manner): Are you talking to me, 'cause eh… I don't speak Russian…

Narrator (fake subtitles): Speak closer, Snob, I have an ear infection.

The Cinema Snob (more confused than ever): AM I FUCKING HIGH???

The Cinema Snob (as Smaug attacks Lake Town): I'll have you know that this same scene was used in the Russian versions of "Reign of Fire", "Godzilla", "Game of Thrones" and for some reason "The Big Chill".

The Cinema Snob (as Smaug is easily killed off with an arrow): Huh, that was easy enough… Chest bump! And turtleneck pops back up to tell them where the best local barista in town is. Ugh, come on, fellas! It's been 60 whole minutes – time to wrap this up.

Hobbit in orange (fake subtitles): ACTING!!!!!

The Cinema Snob (vo): Oh, alright. There's a bunch of other characters here too. I couldn't tell because they're not doing anything. Even when we cut away to the scroll of the legendary dancing. Unfortunately in all that time the Middle Earth nuclear holocaust has taken place and it has killed the Cowardly Lion!

Hobbit in orange (fake subtitles): Please, tell Bilbo… The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy wasn't that bad of a movie.

The Cinema Snob (vo): Now they're gonna honor his will by tossing him into a tub of banana pudding. Well, show's over, gentlemen! Handshakes all around. Let's return home singing a jolly song.

Bilbo (singing, fake subtitles): In the Burning Heart… Just about to burst. There's a quest for answers… An unquenchable thirst.

The Cinema Snob (vo): It all ends with Bilbo having a nice, quiet evening at home, anxiously awaiting production of Russian "Lord of the Rings".

Narrator (fake subtitles): The production company chose not to cast him in Russian Lord of the Rings. Therefore… Bilbo died.

The Cinema Snob: Huh, that's a bummer. Well, that's Russian "The Hobbit" (a quick shot of the spiders is shown) and it is full of spoilers about the new film! And for those keeping track you may have noticed that this version failed to show us anything about the wood elves or the trolls (fakes surprised expression). Oh and I think Elrond may have been missing too… Got anything on the backstory, Ed?

- - - (Quick cutaway to Ed reading the book "Turkey", mumbling "I don't know") - - -

The Cinema Snob: Nah well, I had to try. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to see the brand new Hobbit film, which during its running time I can easily watch this version about two and a half times and only feel like I was on mushrooms without ever actually doing so.

- - - (Shot of Gandalf waving goodbye, as he slowly disappears into the fog, is shown) - - -

(The End)