Total Recall (with That SciFi Guy)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Fucking remakes.

(A poster of various remakes appear, starting with True Grit)

NC (vo): Yeah, sometimes you get a good one, (Arthur) but for the most part, they're entirely pointless. (Planet of the Apes) So what if it doesn't follow the original subject material? (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) When the film is good, it's freaking good. If it's not broke, don't break it. (The Karate Kid) Once in a while, you get one that leaps through the cracks, (The Stepford Wives) but for the most part, they're entirely shit.

NC: Why am I on the subject of remakes? Because I'm here to talk about Total Recall. The original, (the remake poster appears on the left, or his right) not the crappy ass remake that I haven't seen, but I'm sure is crappy!

(Dr. Wiki appears)

Dr. Wiki: Actually, (NC does a double take) the original would be the short story, "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale," by the acclaimed sci-fi author, Philip K. Dick. In this version--

NC: Dr. Wiki, what are you doing here? You're not even on my show.

(Sci-Fi Guy appears in his seat)

SFG: Sorry Critic, ever since he went open access, he kinda became self aware.

NC: Ugh. Hi, Sci-Fi Guy

SFG: I try to keep up with him, but...you know...internet. So, uh, what were you doing that got his attention there?

NC: I was just doing a review of Total Re--(realizes he almost blabbed)--caahuh nothing?

SFG: Really? Because, uh, 90% of what he knows comes from sci-fi nerds. He may have detected something.

NC: Nope, nope! Just an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you wouldn't be interested.

SFG: You sure? Because Arnald was sure in a lot of sci-fi movies. Wait, it's not January.

NC: Dude, I stopped doing Schwarzenegger Month like a few years ago, and besides, I wouldn't do Total Recall on that--(quickly realized what he just said)--yaii!!

(Clips of the movie begin to play)

NC (vo): Yes, Total Recall, and before any of you go insane, I'll point out right now that I really do like this movie. It's got some good ideas, it's creative, and it keeps you guessing the whole way through. But still, come on guys, it's a Schwarzenegger film. There's some funny, goofy, over the top stuff in this. We can't act like it's totally perfect, it's still incredibly silly. But incredibly fun, too.

SFG: So, then...

NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you review it with me?

SFG: Sweet! Wait, you're not just gonna send me to the corner again, are you?

NC: No, I had enough corner time with Todd last week.

(Cut back to the Wiz review with NC and Todd in the Shadows in the corner, backs to the camera)

Todd: Now this is how you do a review!

(Back to the opening credits)

NC (vo): So our movie opens up with an obnoxious rip-off--I mean tribute to the titles in the Terminator movie, mixing it to look like the Superman credits are melting.

(Sharon Stone)

SFG: Sharon Stone, huh?

NC: Opinion lowers.

(Michael Ironside)

SFG: Michael Ironside.

NC: Opinion rises!

(And Ronny Cox)

SFG: Hey, Ronny Cox!

NC: Yeah, I came down with a case of that. Penicilin knocked it right out.

(We now cut to two people in space suits walking on Mars)

NC (vo): Anyway, as our story continues, we see Arnold on the planet Mars.

SFG (vo): Yeah, an entirely too red Mars.

SFG: What, is it sunset?

NC: Okay, if you keep nitpicking, you are gonna go in the corner!

SFG: Fine.

(The male in the suit slips on a patch of loose dirt and tumbles down the hill, cracking his faceplate on a rock, revealing Arnold, whose eyes are bulging and tongue swelling)

NC (vo): That's the look he gave Edry* after he found out one of his maids was pregnant.


 * Editor's note: I can't make that word out. Anyone wanna fill it in?

(Turns out that it was all a really bad dream for Douglas Quaid)

SFG (vo): But we quickly learn it was just a dream, and Douglas Quaid's real life is just as boring as everybody else's. Except for the whole being married to Sharon Stone thing, I guess. And being completely ripped.

Reporter: And more violence last night on Mars, with terrorists demanding independence, once again halted the extraction of turbinium ore.

(Doug's wife, Lori, turns the report off, replacing it with a mountain view screensaver, then gives him a kiss before joining in for breakfast)

Quaid: Lori.

Lori: Doug.

Quaid: Let's do it.

SFG: Hell yeah!

Lori: Do what?

Quaid: Move to Mars.

SFG: Oh...

Lori: Sweetheart, we've been through this a million times. You'd hate it on Mars.

(Clips of insurgent fighting are shown)

NC (vo, as Arnold): Yeah, so was watching this terrorist report, and I just thought it would be a great place to raise our children.

SFG (vo): As it turns out, not everything is hunky dory in Case de Arnold. Quaid yearns for more out of life, but his wife is worried about silly things like--

SFG: (airquotes) "terrorists" and (airquotes) "ridiculous living conditions."

(Quaid walks through an x-ray scanner on the way to work)

NC (vo): After going through one of the coolest security scanners ever, Quaid sees an ad for a memory implantation service that can provide you with the experience of whatever crazy thing you want without actually doing it.

Dr. Edgemar: So don't let life pass you by. Call Rekall. For the memory of a lifetime.

NC: (on the phone) Hello, Rekall? Yes, I will need a thousand pounds of unsalted butter, and then an exquisite chinchilla, and once it's all safely introduced into the--

SFG: Uh, what?

NC: Private conversation! (he pulls down a graphic saying PRIVATE CONVERSATION (Let Pervs be Pervs))

(Quaid is now jackhammering rocks at a construction site)

SFG: At his shitty job, Quaid's co-worker tries to warn him away from Rekall, because a friend of his had a bad experience.

Harry: Don't!

Quaid: Why not?

Harry: A friend of mine tried one of their special offers! Nearly got himself lobotomized!

(Quaid keeps jackhammering while Harry gives him a weird look, with a dramatic sting added in)

NC (vo): Or is there something more sinister afoot?

(Quaid is lowered into the device in the chair)

SFG: But he decides everyone's full of shit and goes to check it out anyway. At Rekall, he is told to upgrade on his Mars experience and get strapped in.

Tech: First trip?

Quaid: Mm-hmm.

Tech: Well, don't worry. Things hardly ever fuck up around here.

SFG: Good to know?

SFG (vo): They begin the procedure, but you know it's not gonna be that simple.

NC (vo): Cue the Arnold noises.

(Quaid is growling at the techs trying to calm him down while he's strapped to the chair, NC imitating Arnolds growls)

Quaid: You blew my cover!

NC (vo): Now from here, there's two different ways you could look at this movie. We know he just went to get implanted with memories.

NC: But the procedure gets interrupted.

SFG: Or does it? (dramatic sting) If you go with what this scene is telling you, or is this all part of the simulation?

NC: Are you kidding? It's totally real! They just haven't implanted the secret agent protocol yet.

SFG (vo): But this is after he laid his head back into the implant machine. Technically...

SFG: ...everything after that point could be going on in his head.

NC: Go to the corner!

NC (vo): So they decide the best thing to do is wipe his mind and dump him in a cab.

Johnnycab: I'm sorry, would you please rephrase the question?

Quaid: How did I get in this taxi?

Johnnycab: The door opened, you got in.

SFG (vo): Played by Robert Picardo.

NC (vo): That guy from Star Trek?

SFG (vo): He was on Voyager.

NC (vo): Oh, that would explain why I don't give a shit.

SFG (vo): On his way inside, he's waylaid by Manny DeVito (actually Robert Costanzo) from work, and a hired group of goons.

(And a clip from the Simpsons)

Homer: Hired goons? (he opens the door and gets taken out of the house)

Harry: You blabbed, Quaid! You blabbed about Mars!

Quaid: Are you crazy?

Harry: You shoulda listened to me, Quaid, I was there to keep you out of trouble!

NC: See, I told you it was real! That explains the evil eye he gave him!

SFG: That could've meant anything!

(Quick cut back to the work scene)

SFG (vo): Man, how does he fit into those pants?

(Back to Quaid beating up the goons)

NC (vo): And then he beats the crap out of all of them.

(Back in the apartment)

Lori: What are you doing?

Quaid: Some men just tried to kill me!

Lori: Doug, I'm gonna call a doctor.

Quaid: Don't! Don't call anybody!

(Coming onto the vidphone is Richter)

SFG (vo): Oh!

Richter: Hello.

SFG (vo): Hello, Michael Ironside.

SFG: If I used a videophone, I would answer it like that all the time.

(both NC and SFG put their head into frame like Richter did)

NC: Hello.

SFG: Hello.

(And cue the YYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! from The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again")

(Quaid opens the door to his apartment and gets shot at)

SFG (vo): Quaid returns home to warn Lori, and is suddenly attacked by a suspiciously Sharon Stone-shaped shadow.

(After some dodging, Quaid has the shooter in his arms and turns the lights on to reveal Lori. Another shot of her hitting him in the crotch twice)

SFG (vo): After taking two to the cookies, he finally starts to get some answers.

Lori: Sorry Quaid, your whole life's just a dream.

(Cue the Price Is Right fail horns)

NC (vo): When he realizes she's just been buying time for Ironside, Quaid knocks her on her ass, and escapes before they show up. Looks like he forgot the skull vision scanners, though.

NC: But for Arnold, it's a minor problem.

(Quaid jumps through the scanner glass)

NC (vo): Yeah, he totally wouldn't be be ripped to shards by all that glass or anything.

NC: (imitating Arnold) I am tougher than Jesus! (and snarls like him)

SFG (vo): Quaid hides out in a dingy motel where some completely random person tells him he's being tracked.

Quaid: What do you want?

Stranger: They got you bugged. They'll be busting down your door in about three minutes unless you do exactly what I say. Don't bother searching, the bug's in your skull.

NC (vo, as Arnold): That's right, I forgot don't have x-ray vision.

Quaid: Who are you?

Stranger: Nevermind. Wet a towel and wrap it around your head, that'll muffle the signal.

SFG: A wet towel? Um, really? Are you screwing with me?

NC: You know it must be true because I was able to say it without laughing my ass off.

SFG: Oh, okay then. (wrapping the towel around his head) Okay, what next?

NC: Get a robe, and puff your chest out like your cock of the walk. Oh, and some Reddi Whip.

SFG: What?

NC: Don't give me that look! Your life depends on it!

SFG: Okay, okay, fine.

NC: Good, now shave your nuts.

SFG: What?

NC: Do it!

(SFG tosses the towel down instead)

NC (vo): So the mystery man leaves a case for Quaid and is never seen again. Inside the case he finds an assortment of supplies including cash, fake IDs, a (pulls out a weird device) I don't know what the hell that is, and this cool hologram projector. But wait, there's more! He finds a message from himself on a comically oversized laptop.

Hauser: You are not you. You're me.

Quaid: No shit.

SFG: Deep, man.

Hauser: First, let's get rid of that bug in your head. Take this thing (the device) out of the case and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self guiding. (The device extends to reveal four sharp, thin metal claws) Just shove real hard.

NC: Those are words I never wanna hear out of Arnold. I could possibly never get an erection again.

NC (vo): Some lines after you hear Arnold say it, you'll never hear the same way again. Like "Put that cookie down."

SFG: Oh, you haven't heard "Get your ass to Mars?"

(A clip of Arnold is shown as a dubstep mix involving the phrase "Get your ass to Mars" is shown)

NC: (disgusted) I hate you.

(Quaid sticks the device into his nose)

Hauser: When you hear the crunch, you're there.

(Quaid grunts as he pulls out a thick bulge out of his nose)

Toucan Sam (audio only): Come follow my nose, it always knows! Ah, Kellogg's Froot Loop cereal, with natural orange and cherry flavors.

(Quaid pulls the bug out of his nose, with an arrow pointing to it saying "Cherry Flavor!")

NC (vo): And when we get to Mars, we're following this...random large woman.

Guard: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars?

Woman: Two weeks.

Guard: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Woman: Two weeks.

NC: Pardon?

Woman: Two weeks. (the woman begins to have some form of seizure, still only able to say two weeks)

SFG (vo): The large woman does her best Arnold impression before revealing...

(The woman's head begins to slide off revealing Quaid's head underneath)

SFG (vo): ...it IS Arnold!

Quaid: Catch! (he throws the head at the guards)

SFG (vo): And also a bomb.

Head: Get ready for a surprise!

(The head then explodes)

NC (vo): It's one of those classic military designed exploding large lady head bombs!

NC: Buy 'em now at your army surplus.\

(A picture of the head bomb is shown with the slogan "Heads Will Roll and Leave a Big Hole," costing $29.99)

NC (vo): In the ensuing chaos, the vacuum seal is broken, and Quaid escapes.

Richter: Open the goddamn door!

Everett: I can't!

Richter: Open it!

Everett: They're all connected!

(The two of them give each other a mean staredown)

SFG: Wow, that argument was awkwardly intense!

NC: Yeah. Hey Sci-Fi Guy, we have to go to commercial now.

SFG: No, I don't do mid-roll commercials, you don't have to pull it!

NC: I can't!

SFG: Why not!?

NC: They're all connected!

(The two of them give each other the evil eye as we go to commercial, and even when we come back)