Brown History Month: CAGE

(Instead of the usual Spoony Experiment opening, we get one for Brown History Month which uses clips from various movies Reb Brown has been in before going to Spoony in his room)

Spoony: Aww yeah! It's Brown History Month, in which I, your humble servant, chronicle the history of action's greatest unsung movie star, Reb Brown. And we're kicking it off with a movie about kicking people in the head with a movie called Cage, in which Reb Brown teams with Lou Ferrigno to do battle with the seedy underground world of illegal cage fighting. I'm not gonna lie. This is probably the greatest film concept ever conceived by man.

(We go to a title card saying Vietnam: 1969)

Spoony (vo): As with any Reb Brown movie, it's required by law to at least begin in Vietnam so we can establish he has the skills of a natural leader.

(A squadron of American soldiers is running from Vietcong shooting at them)

Scott Monroe: Move, move! Move, get up there, get up there! Keep moving, we gotta go to the LZ! Come on, let's go!

Spoony (vo): And of course, the ability to kill like a category 5 hurricane made of bullets. But even though Reb's so good there's no one who can touch him in your whole damn army, he's forced to call for evac to save the lives of his men. At least that's what I think he's doing. I can't quite understand what he's saying.

Scott: [Editor's note: his audio is somewhat muffled by the gunfire, so I'll make out what I can] Jacket 1, This is Blazer! Jacket 1, this is Blazer! Come in!

Chopper pilot: I copy, Blazer.

Spoony (vo): You do? I can't. His voice sounds like two dogs fighting.

Scott: Do you copy? Damn it, pick us up!

Spoony: I don't know, all I hear is (imitating Reb) "I'm about to play an MMO!"

Scott: I don't give a shit, just get us out of here now!

Spoony (vo): The chopper arives, and so, everyone must now get to it. This scene is actually very impressive. It's pretty much the same opening they used in Tropic Thunder, so you know they were inspired by the very best.

Door gunner: Haul ass, get inside! Move it! (and he gets shot, allowing Billy to take over)

Billy Thomas: Come on, you motherfuckers! (he begins shooting with the door gun)

Pilot: We gotta go, we gotta go!

Billy: Wait for the captain!

Pilot: No! We gotta go, we gotta go!

(A clip from Tropic Thunder)

Jeff Portnoy: You get out of that hole!

(Scott's running to the chopper while shooting back at the VCs with his pistol)

(Another clip of Tropic Thunder)

Kirk Lazarus: You make it home now.

(Now a clip ot Strike Commando)

Mike Ransom: Dirty sons of bitches! Shit!

(Back to Tropic Thunder)

Lazarus: Survive!

Spoony (vo): Reb barely gets to the chopper as it takes off, when suddenly...(Billy gets clipped in the head, blood leaking out) Oh, oh crap! Lou, nooooo! Check out how fucking badass Lou Ferrigno is, people. The man gets shot in the brain and he's still got a death grip like a crocodile! (Imitating Ferrigno) "Uh, could someone give Hulk a hand? Head hurts and Reb Brown heavy."

(Billy is now in the hospital with a bandage over his head and an oxygen mask on. A doctor lifts his eyelid open to see his eye rolled back)

Spoony (vo): But amazingly, Lou survives. It takes more than brain damage to stop the Hulk, he don't use that anyhow. (Billy's now in a wheelchair as Scott wheels him down) Reb helps him through rehab, but it's clear that Lou's lost a lot of his mental capacity from before. (One clip is of Scott teaching Billy to read with a children's book, the bandage off his head) But at least his head wound's healed. (Now a shot of Billy in physical therapy, the bandage on his head) Oh, sorry, the bandage is back. I guess I was mistaken.

(Now we cut to a cage fight)

Spoony (vo): We are quickly introduced into the underworld cage fighting circuit, which is run by Mr. Takagi from Die Hard (James Shigeta). He's also got two henchmen: the Asian version of the bad haircut guy from Highlander: The Source, and the guy who steals a candy bar, also from Die Hard. (Al Leong)

(A clip of Die Hard is shown as his character, Uli, steals a Nestle bar)

Spoony: So the candy bar guy and Mr. Takagi did work together at some point. I knew that whole Makatomi thing was an inside job!

Spoony (vo): Their champion is a pillowy, overweight dude who doesn't exactly inspire the same fear as Bloodsport's reigning champion, Chong Li, (cut to a quick picture of Chong Li) who could totally kick this guy's ass. (back to the movie as a woman in a trenchcoat takes pictures of the cage fight) There's also a subplot where this lady journalist is wearing a disguise so lousy, I didn't know she was supposed to be undercover until she started taking photos with the biggest camera ever made. Anyway, while we're here, we're also introduced to stereotypical mamalukes, Tony and Mario, who just lost a ton of money betting on the other guy.

Tony: I thought you said that Moon Yong [editor: Not sure of the name, that's what it sounds like] could fight.

Mario: He's a professional wrestler.

Tony: Yeah, but this ain't professional wrestling, man.

Spoony: (imitating an Italian) Hey, what, I meam next thing you'll tell me is that professional wrestlers don't fight for real!

Mario: We were, um, looking for our fighter to do better.

Tin Lum Yin: No doubt.

Tony: Look, I plan to pay you. But I just need a few days.

Yin: Very well. You have three days. Goodbye, Mr. Baccola.

Spoony (vo): The goombas aren't the only ones with financial troubles, though. Reb and Lou owe big money to the bank to pay off the bar they manage. Maybe they should look into the heavy use of product placement. Nah. (a Coors Light light is shown over a pool table) Suddenly I am thirsty for a cool, delicious Coors Light beer. Their old friend, Meme, says that she's willing to loan them $10,000, but Reb won't hear of it. I'm not really sure where Reb plans to get the money on his own, but maybe he's hoping Lou has a career in competitive eating. (As Lou eating) "Om, nom, nom, nom. Hulk like clam chowder." (back to normal) Anyway, the goombas happen to go to the very same bar, just as Reb gets hassled by a bunch of stereotypical hispanic gang members.

Diablo: You know what I'm thinking about right now? A nice, sweet, soft, furry cherry.

Spoony: Ugh, what that supposed to be a euphemism? Because I choose not to get it.

Spoony (vo): By the way, I don't know if you've heard this, but the weirdest part of this scene is the fact that about a half dozen times, you can hear this weird electronic sound.

(The sound in question plays over scenes)

Billy: How are you?

Patron: Billy, how you doing?

(Jump to another scene where the sound plays again as the mobsters come in)

Spoony: Really, what is that? I can't even say it's background noise, because I can hear it over the music and the dialogue most times.

(Back to the gang)

Diablo: Soft, furry cherry. (and the sound plays again)

Spoony (vo): What, is R2-D2 serving drinks off-camera? The thugs cause a fight and in the ruckus, they accidentally break Lou's concentration, costing him the autistic Donkey Kong record high score, and that makes him mad. (Billy knocks one of the patrons out while green light shines over him) Oh, and I'm sure it was a complete coincidence this back room is awash in gamma ray green light (As Lou) "Hulk strongest when there is." So anyway, long story short, they take out the trash, leave the thugs laying, and...

(The beeping sound plays again!)

Tony: Probably make me a lot of dough.

Mario: Yeah.

Spoony (vo): Again with the noise! Was it this vitally necessary to establish this place has a fucking pinball machine? Mario and Tony try to convince Reb to be their new fighter, but he's not interested. So they hire the East Coast Stereotypes to burn down their bar in the daytime when nobody's around.

Tony: Nobody gets hurt. (He hold out a wad of money to Diablo)

Diablo: Odale. (Tony drops the wad on the table) Get me the gas can, Monos. Get me the fucking gas can, Monos!

Monos: Sure, Diablo, sure, huh?

Spoony (vo): (In a Spanish accident) "I don't even know why I hired joo, mang!" (normal voice) Naturally there is someone in the bar when the guy sneaks in and throws a molotov cocktail, and poor Meme burns to death.

(Monos runs out as Meme screams. Just as he opens the car door, the bar blows up)

Spoony (vo): Whoa-ho-ho! Man, that alcohol goes up in a flash!

Monos: Mi hijo! Son of a bitch. (And he proceeds to laugh wildly. Spoony also laughs the same way)

Spoony (vo): At least he kept a low profile, huh?

Tony: That dumbass, Mexican lowlife scum.

Spoony (vo): The police tell our heroes about the arson and death of their friend, leading to one of the greatest moments in acting I've ever seen: Lou Ferrigno and Reb Brown crying together on camera.

(Billy's sitting on his workout bench quite sad as Scott walks over to him)

Scott: I'm sorry, Billy. (voice cracking) I'm gonna miss her a lot, too.

(A graphic saying Oscar Clip is shown at the bottom with Oscars at the side while the two men cry)

Spoony (vo): (As Lou) "Billy, tell Hulk about Disneyland."

(The reporter from before is sneaking into the arena)

Spoony (vo): Meanwhile, we catch up on the continuing saga of the reporter watching the villains do...light janitorial work. (Janitors come in to clean the arena) This scene goes on for like four minutes, and I fucking swear to you, this is the most irrelevant subplot in the history of cinema. This lady has no reason to be in this movie. Who does she work for? Why does she continue to endanger herself even though she's already got photos of the fights and the secret arena. These things are never explained.

(Back to Scott talking to a woman)

Spoony (vo): While Reb is arguing with an insurance lady over the burned bar...

Scott: Stick it, lady.

(Billy's riding in a car with Mario and Tony)

Spoony (vo): Mario and Tony take Lou out for lunch. (Billy's eating a sub) (as Lou) "Duh, Hulk like Subway." (normal) They start to butter him up by talking about the stuff he likes to do.

Tony: Yeah, yeah.

Billy: Well I'm smart. I got 375...and 540 on the Master Blaster.

Mario: Jeez.

Tony: Master Blaster? What's he talking about.

Mario: It's a video game, Tony.

Spoony: Master Blaster? I don't think I ever played that one. It must've been the Mad Max series. I think I stopped playing that series once I got Beyond Thunderdome. Oh! Oh, I did it again! I can (pelvic thrusting) not! Be! Stopped!

Tony: And you'd like to see it rebuilt, right?

Billy: Sure. That's where me and Scott work.

Tony: You'd do whatever you could to help Scott rebuild the bar, wouldn't you?

Billy: Sure!

(Quick clip from Mystery Science Theater 3000 [editor: Anyone know what movie it is?])

Lou: Sure.

Tony: Now listen, Billy. The quickest way for us to get some money is for you to wrestle this Chinese guy named Chang.

Billy: Wrestling?

Tony: Yeah.

Billy: I like wrestling. But I don't like fighting. But I like to wrestle.

(This goes on for quite a bit)

Spoony (vo): With Lou missing in action, Reb goes to the police to track him down, but they're unhelpful. Seeing as how they're so stupid they need Missing Persons Dept. written on the inside of their door window, it's pretty safe to assume they couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a search warrant. Why is that there? In case the guy forgets where he works? Reb takes matters into his own hands and starts strongarming every gang member he sees.

(Scott hits a pile of trash with his jeep)

Gang member: Hey, you crazy, man? You got a fucking brain in your head? (And he gets punched and thrown to the ground by Scott, who then puts his foot to the guy's throat)

Scott: I'm looking for an asshole with a devil tattooed onto his arm.

Gang member: Aaah, I don't know, man!

Scott: Wrong answer, amigo! You're wearing a bandana with the same colors.

Gang member: I swear, I don't know him!

Scott: Tell me now, asshole!

Spoony (vo): You know, if Reb Brown steps on your throat and starts asking you questions, you better answer cause believe me, the guy does not fuck around. (Scott's now in the gang hangout with a shotgun) Just for making him ask twice, he goes to the gang's favorite hangout and just embarks on a killing spree with a shotgun. It's fucking judgment day in this place.

(Monos runs out a door as Scott cocks his shotgun)

Scott: Hey, asshole! (he shoots the door and moves forward when a female gang member blocks his way)

Female gang member: You ain't gonna shoot a lady, are you, dickhead? (he knocks the knife out of her hand with the gun, then punches her in the face, knocking her out)

Spoony (vo): The real arsonist speeds away in his car, resulting in a high speed chase. More gang members join the chase, clearly having no idea who they're fucking with.

(Scott chases Monos down an alley and into the street while a gang car behind him shoots at Scott. Scott pulls a 180 pushes the windshield down

Scott: Asshole!

(He shoots at the gang car, making it swerve into a truck where it corkscrews. Spoony is so awed he gives it a score of USA 9.7)

Spoony: Ah, lovely. The rare fruit stand/corkscrew aerial crash. This fucking genius drives right back to his boss, who starts the battle by groveling like a broken man. When that doesn't work, he changes tactics to the historic "made you look, mang" gambit.

Diablo: It was Monos, he was the guy! It was Monos!

(As Scott turns around, Diablo picks up a gun, though Scott is quicker on the draw and shoots Diablo dead. Monos swings at Scott with a 2x4)

Spoony (vo): So he had all that time to find a new weapon and the best he could come up with was a 2x4. Reb finds a molotov cocktail and a hot plate in like a second.

(Scott throws the molotov at Monos, lighting him on fire)

Monos: Aaaahhh! Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! Shoot me!

Spoony (vo): Oooh, Reb Brown is fucking sick, man. He'll set your ass on fire just to watch you fucking burn, cause that's how he rolls. Only Reb Brown can set a man on fire and still be cold as ice. Meanwhile, that lady reporter is still following Endo from Lethal Weapon around, snapping pictures with that goddamn camera the size of a claymore mine. Jesus, Fletch was less conspicuous than this.'''

Tiger Joe: You really think you're fooling anyone, Miss Garrett?

Morgan Garrett: If it isn't one of Yin's slimeballs, Tiger Joe.

Spoony: "Tiger Joe?" Dude sounds like a character from Super Punch-Out.

Spoony (vo): Tiger Joe tries to warn the reporter off since she couldn't be any more obvious if she was on stilts and wearing a flak jacket with the word PRESS on the back. Unfortunately, Tiger Joe is recognized by the local Mafia boss, Costello, and they're both captured.

Costello: Long Dong, ain't it? Or is it Mong Tong!? (he knees Tiger Joe in the crotch)

Yin: What's the meaning of this?

Costello: This guy's a cop! His name's Joe Lau.

Yin: What?

Costello: I said this asshole's a cop! He shot two of my guys about three years ago, then he disappeared.

Spoony: (imitating Costello) Yeah, I mean if only he shaved his face, uh, cut his hair or stopped giving out his real name, I'd never have recognized the guy. But sometimes you just get lucky, I guess.

Spoony (vo): Mr. Takagi agrees to let Lou wrestle in the cage, but not against the champ. Not yet. First he has to win a number one contender's match but, uh, it's pretty clear he doesn't fully understand what's going on.

Billy: (reaching out for a handshake) Hi, I'm Billy!

Fighter: Fuck you! (he then drop kicks Billy)

Spoony: Oh, you shouldn't have done that. You're gonna make him angry and believe me, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Billy: You hurt me! I'm gonna hurt you now!

(The other fighter has Billy pressed against the wall, kneeking him in the side until Billy grabs his leg and throws him off)

Spoony (vo): I still can't believe I'm watching a brain damaged dude in a mixed martial arts cage match. I think the only way we can make this thing any more wrong is if we made the brain damaged dude (a poster for the movie Chocolate appears) fight the autistic kid from Chocolate.

(Billy does eventually knock the other guy out)

Yin: Interesting match.

Spoony: (imitating Yin) Yes, interesting match. I haven't been this uncomfortable watching a mentally handicapped person wrestle since Eugene in the WWE.

Tony: Yeah, the point is Billy won. And now we get to fight Chang.

Yin: It would seem so.

Tony: How bout next week?

Yin: The match will take place in thirty minutes.

Tony: Thirty minutes? Are you crazy? Oh, now wait a minute, Mr. Yin. You can't do this. Now Billy's exhausted, he needs rest.

Yin: Quite so. If he is to fight the champion, he has thirty minutes.

Spoony: (mock surprise) What, you mean the guy running the sleazy, illegal underground fighting ring is untrustworthy?

Spoony (vo): Reb manages to find the cage fights, but subtlety isn't exactly his strong suit, so he gets captured immediately and thrown in a cell along with Tiger Joe and the reporter chick. This is where all the subplots supposedly tie together, but none of it really makes any sense. Tiger Joe just kind of hangs out the whole movie, not really saying anything, and suddenly the lady is clinging to Reb like lint in a dryer trap. They haven't known each other five minutes and already they're romantically involved? Poor Lou got hurt pretty bad in the last fight and doesn't wanna fight anymore.

Billy: I don't wanna fight no more! That man didn't wrestle by the rules!

Tony: Listen you big jerk. You don't fight, you die, and their ain't no rules! You understand?

Billy: I don't wanna fight no more, Mario! (Tony tries to slap some sense into Billy, only to get Billy pulling him by his shirt) Don't do that, Tony!!

Spoony: Oh, oh shit! (clutching the camera) Everyone run for your lives! He's Hulking out!

(Cut to a clip of David Banner turning into the Incredible Hulk)

Spoony (vo): Reb starts a fire hoping to set off the smoke alarms so the guards will open the door. This plan banks heavily on the thugs caring whether or not their prisoners die of smoke inhalation which, I'm guessing since they were planning on killing them later anyway, the answer would be no. But it works, so what do I know? Lou gets in the cage to fight Chang, which has surprisingly little drama to it since we know basically nothing about one of the main villains of the movie. In fact, he hasn't said a single solitary word the entire film. Lou starts off well, but Chang regains the edge with a well placed kick to the yambags. That's when Chang starts punching him in his...uh, brain damage? (Billy takes some hard hits to the head, clips from the Vietnam battle flashing) This causes Lou to experience Nam flashbacks which send him into a killing frenzy. Oh, great. Now we've got a brain damaged, 300 lb. bodybuilder who's also retard strong and who hallucinates other people are Viet Cong. He's the ultimate weapon!

(Tony and Mario are cheering as Billy hangs onto the ceiling, breaking Chang's neck with his legs wrapped around his head, killing him)

Spoony: Mr. Takagi's not gonna be happy about this.

Yin: Mr. Costello has won a great deal of my money tonight, and I intend to have a chance to get it back.

Tony: Yeah, well Billy ain't fighting anymore.

Yin: That is incorrect. He will fight again in thirty minutes or he will die, as will you, Mr. MacLeod.

Spoony: Pfft, how much money does he really plan to make back betting against the guy who has already fought two straight matches and who can barely walk now?

Yin: Your fighter has a match in thirty minutes.

Spoony: Yeah, but you see nobody's gonna bet on a guy who's nearly comatose--

Yin: Your fighter has a match in thirty minutes.

Spoony: You're booking TNA Impact, aren't you?

Yin: Now he must meet my new challenger or forfeit.

Scott: Okay, fine. He forfeits.

Yin: If he forfeits, we will kill him. We will kill all of you.

Mario: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what do you do? Make up the damn rules as you go along?

Spoony: (as Yin) ...Yes. It's my illegal sporting event.

Tiger Joe: The challenger he's talking about is the East Coast Champion.

(Quick clip from Spider-Man 1)

Bonesaw: Bonesaw is ready!

(Back to the movie)

Spoony (vo): No, actually, it's just some other guy we don't know who's just being introduced to us ten minutes before the end of the movie. Reb takes Lou's place in the cage and betting begins anew. Costello and his henchman, Machete (Yes, that is Danny Trejo), decide to up the stakes.

Costello: Okay Mr. Yin, let's get serious now. I'll wager 500,000 bucks.

Yin: I would think you were even more serious if you said one million dollars. (Cue Spoony putting his pinky to his lips like Dr. Evil)

Costello: Bene. Open it up. (The goon opens up a briefcase full of money)

Spoony (vo): That's not a million dollars! That case is about the size as my fucking laptop bag! You know, you really gotta feel sorry for the poor fool trapped in a steel cage with Reb Brown. Lesser men have been known to wither to ash at the sound of his throat peeling battlecry alone. Did Pierre Kirby ever do battle in a steel cage? No, I tell you, sir! He has not.

(Scott backflips over a leg sweep, kicks him down, then wraps his arms around the champion's head, breaking his neck to kill him while letting out that trademark scream)

Spoony (vo): That's when the movie suddenly turns into a fucking Peckinpah climax. Mr. Takagi just tells his men to just open fire and fucking everyone dies. The mobsters, Costello, it's a massacre. Billy freaks the hell out and throws Mr. Takagi into the dreaded bear hug.

(Billy squeezes tight against Yin, crushing his ribs)

Scott: Billy, let him go! Let him go!

Spoony (vo): Oh my god, he just crushed that dude's ribcage like a styrofoam cup. That was such a nice suit, too. John Phillips of London. I have two myself. And still the reporter chick is clinging to Reb! I don't think they've said a single goddamn word to one another the whole movie. Tiger Joe throws them the million dollars and has about seven years of weird paperwork to do, but otherwise, it seems like all's well that ends well.

Spoony: Or does it?

(Yin is shown on the floor, fingers twitching as it goes dun-dun-duuuuunnn!)

Spoony: Oohhh shiiiiiii--

(And we come to the credits as Smashing Pumpkins' Bullet With Butterfly Wings plays)

(One last bit of Yin on the ground)

Spoony (vo): (As Yin, weakly) You will fight again in thirty minutes. Oh god, my back.