Spawn

(After the opening to the show, we start off with NC entering a room. Suddenly, a giant meteor falls on top of him, and sends him plummeting into Hell. NC gets up and sees a giant Kermit puppet standing before him)

"Kermit": Nostalgia Critic!

NC: Fuck!

"Kermit": You will lead my army of Hell! YAAAAAY!!

NC: Me? W-Why me?

"Kermit": Oh, I dunno. Your lack of leadership skills, your disinterest in working with other people. And most importantly, the fact that you went out in such an embarrassingly easy way. This makes you the Devil's ultimate weapon! YAAAAY!!

NC: Dude, you're not the Devil.

"Kermit": Uh, wha? I am so the Devil!

NC: Buddy, I serve with the Devil. I knew the Devil. The Devil is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Devil.

("Kermit" turns into Satan, played by Malcolm Ray)

Satan: Sorry, I knew that didn't feel right.

NC: Mr. Zebub, what is this? What’s with this crazy plan and that cheap dollar store Muppet?

Satan: I just feel like I’m not as popular as I used to be, what with people thinking I spend all of my time in elevators and such. So I looked up what people consider to be a cool Devil, and everyone pointed to Spawn.

NC: Wait, did you look up the comic book or the movie?

Satan: ...Movie.

NC: ARGH! You doofus! You picked the wrong one! That represents the original source material like Mario Bros. The Movie represents the game! In fact, there’s a petition to get an apology for John Leguizamo for both films!

Satan: Well, how was I supposed to know?!

NC: (sigh) You can tell just by looking at it.

(The title of the movie is shown, before playing clips)

NC (vo): Based on the popular comic book series by Todd McFarlane, Spawn was made at the exact worst time it could have been made. Where the Internet would castrate this film for all the inaccuracies to the source material, this was made at a time when comic book films weren't taken as seriously as they are now. How do I know this? Because it came out the exact same year as Batman & Robin! Yeah, that's the kind of dark age we are looking at, people. Prepare for nine circles of suck!

Satan: So, this is not what to do...to be a cool devil.

NC: Yes!

Satan: (pulls out a girly looking DVD and writes on the back) Better take notes. (NC looks at the DVD confused) Don't judge me!

(The movie starts)

NC: The film opens...huh, what?

Cogliostro (narrating): The battle between the darkness, and the light has waged eternal.

(Shows a quick glimpse of Maleborgia)

NC (vo): Hold on, what was that? Who's that guy? Wait a minute! Go back! What's going on? C-Can you just...stop, stop! What was going on wi--

Cogliostro (narrating):...to lead his army....

NC: Okay...is this just drive by cinema? They tell you the backstory in the time it takes to pass a stop light.

NC (vo as the Narrator): (Shows a car driving on the road with "Spawn" written in red on the side). There was a movie named Spawn. I hope you enjoy it, later! (Car speeds off, and a smaller car with the words "Buy the toys" write on the side) Buy the toys.

NC (vo): Oh, good, it looks like things are finally calming down....

(Someone kicks a door open and starts shooting up the room)

NC (vo): ...like dynamite in your ass. (Shows Al Simmons) This is our main character, Al Simmons, played by Michael Jai White, who's an assassin who really can't wait for drones to be made, but is still doing a pretty good job with his implausible nineties technology.

Cogliostro (narrating) Like him, I killed in the name of good.

NC (as Cogliostro): And have been in better films.

Cogliostro (narrating): Now, I watched for others like me.

NC (vo): So, after they roll out the seizure credits--hey, if I'd worked on this, I'd want my name to be impossible to see--we cut to one of our villains, played by Martin Sheen, who, reportedly, always wanted to do a comic book movie, and for his sins, they gave him one.

Jason Wynn: All you have to do is keep certain agencies off my back!

Clown: And when the piñata breaks, you'll get it all!

NC (vo): The other villain that they are keeping in the shadows....even though you QUITE clearly just showed him during the opening!... (Shows the scene with Clown's face in the opening)

(NC taps the side of his head and does a goofy laugh)

NC (vo): ...is called the Violator. (he's called Clown in this form) He's played by John Leguizamo. Think of an evil (picture of) Sam Kinnison if he was possessed by (picture of) Krusty the Clown.

Clown: This five year plan of yours has chapped my buttocks.

(Quick clip of Krusty the Clown)

Krusty: Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?

NC (vo): This is a character so evil that apparently they put him on air fresheners. (One such air freshener has Clown's face on it) Huh?

Wanda: Make sure he's back for dinner tomorrow night.

Terry: I'll do my best.

NC (vo): You're not gonna address that, huh? No tie-ins, no explanation, just... the villain's face is on an air freshener. That...th-th-okay. Why should I be bothered by that? It's like if (picture of) Wolverine was reading a magazine with Magneto on the cover. Who needs an explanation?

NC: Heck, I just assumed Hell had a successful side business of dashboard accessories.

(He looks over and sees Satan holding an air freshener of himself)

Satan: So...don't do that?

NC: Don't do that!

(Satan writes it down into his notebook)

NC (vo): So, Simmons seems happy with his wife and kid, while literally slaughtering the competition, but little does he know he is being watched.

(Shows Cogliostro watching Simmons. A green outline glows around him)

NC: By a Listerine commercial.

(Shows the scene again)

NC (vo, as Cogliostro): I glow when I kill up to ninety-seven percent plaque build-up!

Wynn: You will follow orders and do your job!

Simmons: Then I want out!

NC (vo): Simmons says he's done being an assassin, though, so Sheen gives him one last job, and promises that he'll let him out safe. I mean, come on! You can trust a guy, who has scorpions in his ashtray, an assistant who carries tarantulas, and literally pictures of explosions on his wall!

(Two green arrows point at two pictures on the wall behind Simmons)

NC: Who does this?!

NC (vo): Who goes THAT far out of their way for this kind of crap!? Even Skeletor, who lives in a giant skull is like (as Skeletor) Okay, you need to take it down a notch there buddy!

NC (vo): But Simmons is sabotaged by Sheen and his assistant, and they cover him in flammable Nickelodeon slime.

Jessica Priest: Looks like I'm up for a promotion.

(The place blows up, and Simmons' skin is now completely burned)

NC (vo): He wakes up confusingly in an alleyway, looking like a (picture of) salmon with (picture of) Salieri's face...

NC: A..."Salimeri"...

NC (vo): ...as he comes across the man, who was watching him before.

(Shows Cogliostro looking at Simmons)

NC (vo, as Cogliostro): I'm still minty fresh.

Simmons: What are you looking at, old man?

NC (vo): This is a dead knight played by Nicol Williamson, and even though he's every clichéd mentor character known to man, he still manages to be a million flavors of awesome because he has the world's COOLEST voice!

(shows a scene where Cogliostro does narration)

Cogliostro (narrating): A new Spawn has emerged from the darkness while things on earth...changed in ways that will only feed his hunger and desire for revenge.

NC (vo): This guy could read the script to Beavis and Butt-head, and still sound cool.

(Cut to NC, holding a binder and reading from it)

NC (reading like Cogliostro): And Beavis smacked Butt-head for getting a better view of the woman's cleavage, to which he replied in vengeful anger, "Cut it out, butthole, I'm trying to score".

NC (vo): But he must have been a heavy sleeper, as, apparently, it's five years later, and he doesn't realize that his family has moved on.

Clown: Bad Krispy! Clown not like! He's harmless, he's safe as milk.

Terry: All right, just get out of here and take him with you.

NC (vo, as Terry): That's the last time we use the John Wayne Gacy clown registry.

NC (vo) So, Violator is nice enough to bring Simmons up to speed... (Clown farts) ...in the most annoying way possible, of course.

Clown: (knocking on Simmons' head) I guess five years feeding earthworms has eaten what little brain there was in there.

(Simmons snaps and puts the clown into a headlock)

NC (vo): Man, this is great. We already know he hates clowns.

(Cut to a scene of the Dark Knight when the Joker placed a knife in Gambol's (Michael Jai White) mouth)

Clown: Allow me to kickstart your memory!

NC (vo): So, he's told that when he died five years ago, he was sent straight to Hell and-- (Sees what Malebolgia looks like) Oh, that's unfortunate. I'm sorry...that's...that's a lot of lame.

Malebolgia: If you lead my army, you can see Wanda again!

Simmons: Yes, I will lead your army!

Malebolgia: Avenge your murder! Kill Jason Wynn!

Satan: So...this is...not a good Hell?

NC: That was really just asked?! (Satan writes on his notebook) That was really just asked?!

NC (vo): This is one of the lamest Hells ever designed. Not only does it look beyond fake for a big budget movie, not only is it some of the laziest layout work for something that can be creative in its sleep, but this is the shittiest devil ever. Literally, he looks like a giant piece of shit! If somebody sculpted a turd to look like a hyena, with sea turtle dicks for ears, covered in Ron Weasley's pubes, and the voice of Doctor Claw operating as the lord of darkness...

NC: I'd say, "What are you smoking? Give me some, and you're fired."

NC (vo): I'd call it a cheap CGI puppet, except it's not even a functioning puppet. The lips don't even move when he talks.

Malebolgia: I put you on Earth to make sure Spawn keeps his end of the bargain.

NC (vo): This means that, technically, the (clip of) Ninja Turtles Christmas Special had better effects, because they at least made an attempt to have their lips move! This looks like Sauron's pet chihuahua!

NC: Even the logic doesn't make any sense! Look what's said if Simmons fails at leading his army.

Malebolgia: If you fail me, you will die!

NC (vo): Wha-tch-ba, HE'S ALREADY DEAD! He's in Hell! Where else could you go from there?! Is there a Hell for Hell?! Is it a place just like this, except the lights flicker and there's a leaky pipe?

Satan: Actually, there is a Hell for Hell.

NC: Really? What is it?

(Satan points at the scene and it is revealed that TMZ is the Hell for Hell)

Announcer: Next on TMZ!

NC: Ahhh, good choice. (Satan resumes his note taking) Give yourself a plus for that, that's really good.

Satan: (As he writes it down) Yes.

NC (vo): So, Simmons is shown where he is buried, as he's, funny enough, right next to a group of Satan worshipers, led by Guy Fieri.

SW: Did, like....Satan send you guys?

Clown: How come God hogs up all the good followers, and we get all the retards?

NC (vo): Oh, I don't know. Have you seen (shows movie posters for God's Not Dead, Left Behind, Old Fashioned, and War Room) Christian movies lately?

Clown: You strike oil, half of it is mine.

(Clown tosses Simmons a shovel with his face on it that says "Start digging!")

NC: (looks confused, and then looks at Satan) Put a question mark for that one.

Satan: Why?

NC: Because, sometimes in life, that's all you can do.

NC (vo): Oh, by the way, just to give you an idea of how bad the CG glowing effect is, you can actually see where the glowing effect is cut off. (green arrow points to where the glowing effect cuts off) No wonder Hell keeps losing, they can't even figure out how to crop an effect right!

NC (vo): But suddenly, Simmons starts to change.

(Simmons transforms into Spawn)

NC (vo, as Clown): Well, you look better in it than Topher Grace!

Clown: (knighting Simmons) Spawn: general of Hell's army!

Simmons: What have I done?

NC (vo): No, really, what has he done? This movie is so backwardly told, it's impossible to follow it.

Simmons: When I get my hands on Wynn...

(Simmons turns around and comes face to face with Cogliostro, who has the green glowing outline)

Cogliostro: You're letting them get to you.

NC (vo, as Cogliostro): Help me fight gingivitis.

Cogliostro: Every choice....has its consequences.

NC (vo): So, he's sent to kill off Sheen's character who's tied to a plague that can wipe out humanity. Gee, I guess....nobody saw that coming. (arrows point to the two explosion pictures again) As he gets ready to go to a party that-- (sees Jessica Priest's outfit, and stammers in shock) What is she wearing?! (starts laughing)

Jessica: Was there ever any doubt?

Wynn: Never!

Satan: See, that's what I thought you looked for in an assassin.

NC: No, that's not what you look for in a-- okay, do you have an assassin who dresses like that?

Satan: Yeah?

NC: Bring her in here. I'm going to show you how to react when you're looking for a professional killer.

(Satan snaps his fingers, and the assassin, played by Tamara Chambers, appears in a puff of fire. She is dressed like Jessica Priest)

Assassin: (sexily) It's time to load up and haul a--

NC: Next!

Assassin: Wait, you can't turn me down like that.

NC: Anybody who dresses like that is not going to take their job seriously. Next!

Assassin: What am I supposed to wear?

NC: Armor, bulletproof vest, a mask to hide your face.

Assassin: How are people supposed to know that I'm a woman?

NC: It doesn't matter if you're a woman! IT'S ACTUALLY BETTER THAT THEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE A WOMEN BECAUSE THEN YOU'LL BE HARDER TO FIND! CHRIST, YOU'RE AS CONSPICUOUS AS SOMEONE FROM THE MATRIX!

Assassin: Wait, you didn't like The Matrix?

NC: OUT!

Assassin: (as she leaves) But it was symbolic and meant stuff!

NC: (takes out his phone and starts dialing) Here, I'm going to put you in contact with a real professional. (talking on the phone) Benny, how fast can you get here?

Benny: I'm already here.

(NC and Satan look around. Satan smiles, and writes in his notebook)

Satan: I like him already.

(NC and Satan smile and nod their heads at each other)

NC (vo): Sheen and the Assassin-atrix go to the party where the dress code seems to be Green Ranger when Simmons, now calling himself Spawn, does his first of many Batman ripoffs.

(Spawn breaks in through the stained glass ceiling and lowers himself down to the party, his cape flowing everywhere)

NC (vo): Wow, it looks like it's so there, doesn't it? Can't you just feel the texture of the...binary code?

Spawn: You don't recognize your own handiwork?

NC (vo): (As Wynn) Red Skull? (as Spawn) No, that's a different company. I'm Bacon Skull.

(Priest starts shooting at Spawn)

Priest: Nice outfit, asshole!

NC: Look who's talking, prostitart!

(Spawn stumbles into the kitchen. The camera lingers on Priest's ass)

NC: It's okay, the camera was just making sure your ass still looks good. It does.

(Spawn and Priest fight. She tries to kick him down below, but his belt leans in to clamp down on her foot)

NC: Whoa-ho! Now that's a chastity belt working overtime!

(The same scene is played again)

NC (vo): (as belt) There's no knockin' this cock in.

(We then cut to Priest falling off the balcony and onto a table with a bullet hole in her head)

NC (vo): The cops show up and try to take him down, but Spider-Ham isn't gonna be caught so easily.

(While Spawn climbs the building, every single cop shooting at him misses wildly)

NC: (adjusting an invisible gun) Set your guns to "not even close"!

(Spawn's cape disguises him as part of the building)

NC (vo): His cape disguises him as part of the building...only for him to stop using it and have him be seen again.

(The ledge Spawn's on gives away and he falls down until his chains launch out and clamp onto the walls, breaking his fall)

NC (vo): You know, for the guy who's gonna lead the armies of Hell, he's kind of a clumsy clod. (as Spawn in a whiny voice) Oh come on, guys, stop firing at me. Oh you are so gonna be enslaved! Oh I'm gonna go tell my weird Muppet devil on you!

(Paramedics are wheeling in Priest's body)

Paramedic 1: Gunshot wound to the head, doc.

Paramedic 2: Eh, she's dead.

NC: Pfft, nice delivery there, guy. You only had two words to say and you couldn't even make those convincing.

Paramedic 2: Eh, she's dead.

NC (vo): (As Paramedic 2) I'm gonna go get some ribs. You guys want some ribs? I gotta get some ribs.

Clown: Oh grow up you sniveling ninny.

NC (vo): But the Violator calls Sheen over to convince him to attach a device to his heart so that if it stops beating, the plague will be released.

Clown: You don't want any smartass fruitcake taking you out ahead of schedule.

Wynn: That's a good idea, I like that.

NC (vo): (As Wynn) As a member of Hell, I know I can trust you. You seem like people who would have explosions on their wall like me. (Showing the explosion pictures on the wall again) That's trustworthy, right? (normal) Spawn goes to see his kid who remembers him from earlier, but this seems especially rushed so we can make room for...

(Clown blows a whistle and then we're treated to the unfortunate sight of him in a cheerleader outfit!)

Clown: Spawny, Spawny, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!

(NC is quite shocked by what he's seeing!)

NC: Okay, so far this is the scariest part of the movie. Not Hell, not (picture of Malebolgia) Weird Aardvark Satan. (Back to Cheerleader Clown) This freaking part! Try closing your eyes. It's so disturbing that you'll see it after they're shut. (The screen goes blank to represent eyes being shut...only for Clown to reappear) Aaah!

NC: Tell me your second-in-command doesn't do stuff like that!

Satan: Of course not. He just wears clown makeup, makes fart jokes and sticks out like a sore thumb.

NC: Why would that be your second in command!?

Satan: Because it's cool?

NC: Bring him in here!

(It's the same Assassin as before, only with clown makeup, a wig and a mustache)

Assassin: Hey, what's going down?

NC: That's so obviously the one from before.

Assassin: No, I'm totally a dude, see? Watch, I'll write my name in the snow. (She turns around as if she's gonna, well, go...only to pull up a picture of Jon Snow from Game of Thrones with "Mr. Dude!" written on it) See?

(Suddenly she's shot dead. NC and Satan look up)

Satan: Thanks, Benny.

NC: Told you he was good.

Announcer: Next on TMZ!

(The Assassin screams out in terror and we go to commercial)

(We're back)

NC (vo): So, Sheen gets a giga-pet attached to his heart, which rigs it, so that his death would set off the virus.

Surgeon: If your vital signs flat line for any reason, the device will detonate, and activate the heat sixteen bombs. No one would dare kill you.

NC (as surgeon): And if you die in an accident, or by natural causes....this is why you get second opinions right?

Clown: First, I got Wynn to kill Spawn, and create the heat sixteen bombs. Now, I get Spawn to kill Wynn, and release the virus!

NC (vo): Uh, yeah, here's an idea: Why don't you kill him, or (shows Maleborgia) your Nintendo64 devil, or any of his followers? Why does Spawn have to do it? Nothing about this makes any sense. The logistics of this plan are about as solid as (picture of) Wile. E Coyote's anatomy, and look about as animated!