Zenon: Z3

(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Zenon: Z3)

Doug (vo): Zenon 3, or Z3, as the kids call it...no, I was not a kid when this came out and I still know no kid ever called it this...is the final and, by far, the worst in the epic Zenon trilogy. The first film was cheesy, but creative and made use with what it had. The second film was a serious downgrade, but definitely tried to keep the spirit of the first. The third just...doesn't seem like it gives a shit...at all. You can feel every moment what an obvious cash-in this is. Not that the first one wasn't trying to do that either, but it was trying to tell a story first. This feels like it wants to just follow studio notes, and then tell a story...if there's time.

Story
Doug (vo): Zenon is staying with her aunt and uncle, trying to pass a driving exam, so that she can enter a competition to the moon. Yep, it's one of those common space-driving, mountain climbing competitions that...as far as I know, doesn't really have a prize of much worth. And seeing how she can't parallel park yet can somehow win this competition shows that she's clearly ready. But she can't do this without a cute little kid sidekick. Enter obvious ploy for a spin-off Zenon movie that never happened. This is her little cousin, adopted by the aunt and uncle, and, of course, happens to be obsessed with her, dresses like her, talks like her, and, much like this movie, is entirely pointless. Yeah, you could cut her out from this flick and you wouldn't miss a thing. It's like looking at Dr. Evil and Mini-Me, it's just weird and unpleasant. But something seems to be up, as some sort of weird silver dust seems to be sabotaging the other players, forcing her in the lead. She, of course, has no problem with this and is enjoying her lead. When her friends finally call her out on what a douche she's been, she just shrugs, "Eh." But things might get complicated when this handsome boy she has a crush on is protesting anyone going to the moon because...I don't really know. If they explained it, they didn't explain it very well or clearly. But soon, Zenon doesn't want any people on the moon either, because the Moon Spirit... (Snickers) yeah, I'm not even kidding...is the one who's been using the silver dust to get in contact with her, because she feels she's the only one who can tell them to leave the moon because...she just doesn't like them. Oh, and she's not some formless being or some elegant-looking ghost. No, she's just a Goth girl. The moon is a Goth girl. I have so many questions! She tells Zenon to kick everybody off the planet, and when she doesn't want to, she forces her to go down on the ground and throw her up in the air and...yeah, she's just kind of a bitch! But Zenon, for some reason, sees her as the hero and decides to tell everybody to get off the moon. But first, she has to win her friends back by apologizing...oh, wait! They forgive her, without her having to do a damn thing! If you think that's not enough to show how little this movie cares, remember that rock star from the other movies? He's in this again, except played by a totally different actor, and what a shock, he's entirely pointless! I think he brings a car that can help transport them, that's it.

Review
Doug (vo): I remember the movie felt so long in getting itself going that when I checked how long it was, I found I was only 10 minutes until the end. Yeah! It was so not interesting that I assumed the real story hadn't gotten started yet, and, by God, we're actually near the end! I cared so little, because it feels like the movie cared so little. Everything feels like it's there because producers just looked at some charts, saw what was popular, and threw it into this movie. Remember how in the last one, she discovered aliens, friggin' aliens? Where did they go? As bad as the second one got, it at least felt like something was on the line, something major was going on. It just wasn't being done very well. In this one, what do I care if they leave the moon? It's just one little pain in the ass that's yelling and screaming and, you know what? Screw her! I want to live on the moon! The other two Zenon movies seemed about exploring possibilities, space travel, all that stuff. This is like, "Hey, you wanna see this cool idea? Neither do I! Bye!" Why does this Moon Spirit even need Zenon? She's constantly grabbing people, throwing them up in the air, she can take form whenever she wants. There's this one scene where this guy is like, "Well, if this Moon Spirit is real, you better show us some proof.", and sure enough, she shows up and starts flinging people around. Why couldn't she do that before?! Why couldn't she talk to these people before? I know it seems stupid getting upset over Zenon 3, but the first Zenon, for as silly as it was, actually had something good in it. It felt grounded in a certain reality, a childish one, but still a reality. And it was about characters adapting and learning things. This is just life lessons you learn on the back of a Happy Meal box, thrown in with effects that somehow seem worse than the first one.

Final thought
Doug (vo; sighs): This movie is crazy as it sounds and surprisingly kind of forgettable. Aside from the crazy-ass Moon Spirit, which was just so bizarre, I couldn't forget it for the life of me, everything else is just kind of in one ear and out the other. Nothing seems relevant enough to make an impact, it just seems relevant enough for you to remember that Zenon's a thing that you're supposed to like. Well, seeing how they never made another one, I'm assuming that kids were starting not to like this anymore. And with writing like this, it's no wonder. Is it annoyingly bad? No. Is it Cheetah Girls-worthy? Not even by a long shot. But it's pointless, dumb, and lacks any passion that the first one had or, hell, even the second one had. I'd say watch it only if you want to finish the movies off, but if not, you can lose this one in any wormhole.

(A scene showing five color spaceships flying towards Earth is shown)