The Tommy Wiseau Show



(the music for the special is played. we see the title card for "The Tommy Wiseau Show." it disolves, and we cut to Tommy Wiseau [played by Doug Walker])

Tommy Wiseau: Oh hai internet! I'm Tommy Wiseau, and this is my Tommy Wi-Show! (hesitates)...sho-show...I am me. You probably know me from such classinc movies as The Room, and...(pause)...and that's probably all you know me from

(Cuts to a close up of Tommy's face, who happens to have Doug's beard.)

TW: Look, I grow goatee for you. It's beautiful, huh? (laughs) What a funny story.

(Cuts back)

TW: Before we begin, let us see what is going on in other parts of the world.

(Cuts to a slide of geographic maps of Norway, Switzerland, and Spain.)

TW (voiceover): Norway has no clouds or people, and has instead been replaced with the color green and the names of various places. Switzerland is the same except it is light-yellow, and has different names. And Spain is Spain.

(Tommy makes his iconic awkward smile)

TW: I'm glad you know that now. Let us take a call. (takes out his cellphone) Oh hai phone! (he dials a random number)

Caller (voiceover): Hello?

TW: Oh hai, Caller! This is Tommy Wiseau.

Caller (vo): Who?

TW: I wrote, directed, produced, and stared in The Room.

Caller (vo): What the hell is The Room?

TW: (laughs) What a funny story, Mark.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">Caller (vo): What the hell are you talking about?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: Bye!

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">Caller (vo): Who the fuck was this?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">(Tommy hangs up his phone.)

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: Poodles. And now it's time for- (His phone rings) Oh, hold on. (He answers his phone. The Nostalgia Critic is on the other line.) Oh hai.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">Nostalgia Critic (vo): Uh, hi. This is The Nostalgia Critic.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: Oh hai, Nostalgia Critic! What do you want?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">NC (vo): Well, I did a review of your movie about a week ago, and it was taken down because you're studio claimed copyrite infringement, even though it's so "obviously" a review so it's covered by fair use as well as satire parody clause.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: (laughs) What a funny story, Critic.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">NC (vo): Actually it's not. It's really annoying. Can I put my review back up?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: Oh, I have no control over that. You will have to talk to John@theroommovie.com. (Turns to the camera, presumingly talking to John.) Hello, John@theroommovie.com. Can he use some of our copyrited images?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">(Cuts to John, also played by Doug, living at his "office". He is wearing a dress shirt, tie, looks sweaty, and his office is really a laundry area in the basement of his house. John turns to the camera.)

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">John: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You can't use footage from The Room! It's breaking copyrite!

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">NC (vo): But it's not! It's a review, and...and where are you talking from?

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">John: I'm at the office of Wiseau Films, and any footage you use of Tommy Wiseau is hurting his good image.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">TW: Yeah, that's true. We have a good image. I have a baby face!

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">NC (vo): But we were promoting your movie to people who never heard of it before. A fair amount in fact. Actually, I told people to see the damn movie at the end.

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">John: ANY USE OF OUR IMAGE, if we're not getting money for it, IS DAMAGING TO OUR NAME!!

<p style="border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;font-weight:inherit;margin-top:1em;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">NC (vo): Don't you think that not promoting it on our site and wasting your time as copyrite nazis is more damaging to you're name? I mean, aren't you afraid of being sent, like, a bajillion nasty emails?