The Blair Witch Hangover

(we open on a stricken-sounding Tacoma talking to the camera)

Tacoma: Donnie, if you're seeing this, I just want you to know I'm sorry. We're both sorry. We didn't know. How could we? But just know, we get it now, we get it. Sort of.

(as he turns the camera off, Donnie wakes up whimpering in the forest. he notices his camera and picks it up vlog style)

Donnie: Okay. Don't panic, don't panic. (pause, more high-pitched whimpering)

(after the credits, SWAG is smugly triumphant)

SWAG leader: Donnie DuPre will no longer be a nuisance to us. After my associates picked him up at gunpoint from the airport, they dropped him off in the middle of the woods, where nobody can find him. Let's just say that the troubling nature of Demo Reel, and Donnie DuPre, will no longer be on our radars.

SWAG man (hi JewWario!): Dude, what's wrong with you?

SWAG leader: What?

SWAG woman: (yo Holly): You kidnapped a man at gunpoint and left him to die? That's f*cking messed up!

SWAG leader: H-he was threatening our operation...

SWAG man: Guy, we're Swede film-makers, we remake films badly, we're not the goddamn mafia!

SWAG woman: What are you, a psycho?

SWAG man: Dude, I don't even wanna look at you. The less I'm associated with this the better.

SWAG woman: Yeah, I'm off to be an internet reviewer, they're mentally stable.

'''SWAG leader: Wait! Wait! Where are you going?! Does this mean you won't be at the Christmas party?

(cut to a sleeping Tacoma)

Tacoma: Ow. Ouch. What the hell? Rebecca. You alive?

Rebecca: No.

Tacoma: Me too. I can't feel my legs. Where are you?

Rebecca: On your legs. (as she gets up and picks up a nearby whip, we see her in a t-shirt that says Malkovich = Balls) What happened?

Tacoma: All I remember is the Swede Actor's Guild, a scream, Quinn went after you- wait, where's Quinn?

Quinn: (vo) In the toilet.

Tacoma: You mean in the bathroom?

Quinn: (vo) No I mean literally in the toilet. (flush and he enters the frame)

Rebecca: Why were you in the toilet?

Quinn: Why does your t-shirt say Malkovich equals balls?

Rebecca: (to Tacoma, who looks very nice by the way) Why are you dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast?

Tacoma: What in the hell happened here?!

Quinn: (as the camera swings to some... contraption thing) Please tell me it has nothing to do with that.

(cut to the present, Rebecca and Tacoma are in front of the computer)

Tacoma: Well, I've gathered all the footage I can find of the past few days. (off Rebecca's look) Yeah, we've been out for that long.

Quinn: Typical Irish hangover. Here, have some coffee.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Tacoma: Thank you. (spits it out) Is there whiskey in this?!

Quinn: Yeah! It's Irish coffee.

Tacoma: Are you kidding me?!

Quinn: Hair of the dog. (he and Rebecca down their booze)

Tacoma: We've had enough dog, thanks. (to Rebecca) And you don't need caffeine.

Quinn: Alright, what you got Mr PI?

Tacoma: Well, everything, for starters, there's this. (the image we saw at the beginning)

Rebecca: Aww, you don't look as good without your dress.

Tacoma: Shh.

(a repeat of Tacoma's apology to Donnie)

Rebecca: What the hell does that mean?

Tacoma: I don't know, but then there's this.

(he presses play again and title card: "Dedicated to the Memory of Elissa Hoffman")

Rebecca: Who's Elissa Hoffman?

(title card: And Our Good Friend James)

Rebecca: And James! Who the hell are these people? Do you know a James?

Tacoma: No, do you?

Quinn: The only person I know by that name is Jameson, and unless you're dedicating a movie to the bottle, well, it's about time somebody did.

Rebecca: So what's after that?

Tacoma: A movie.

Rebecca: A movie?

Tacoma: That we made.

Rebecca: When did we make a movie?

Tacoma: I-I don't know. But we need context. (vo-ing over fast-forwarded scenes we'll see later) From here on out we're gonna do things by the book, we're gonna go back to the beginning and figure out how we got here, and then maybe we can figure out the biggest mystery of them all.

Rebecca: What's that?

Tacoma: It's been three days. Where's Donnie?

(cut to Carl in a parking lot, he's angrier than normal)

Carl: Quinn! Come and ze in! Ugh, God, where can he be? Headquarters! Quinn, I swear to God, if you are drinking without me, I will find you und sterilize you faster than Bob Barker at a puppy pound. (no answer) So be it, Quinn, when I come back, your balls ARE MINE!

(cut to computer room)

Quinn: According to the answering machine, Carl called three days ago.

Rebecca: What did he say?

Quinn: I dunno, reception was piss poor, something about Bob Barker's balls?

Rebecca: Germans.

Tacoma: Then we have no choice. We need to go in order and see what happened.

(repeat of last time, shot, gun-grab, scream, running after her, but it turns out fine)

Tacoma: Who are you?

Fabrizio: Fabrizio, I work here. Who are you?

Rebecca: Tacoma, it's okay! It's the tenant. (to Fabrizio) I'm Rebecca, your security guard?

Fabrizio: Oh yeah, the stunad.

Rebecca: That's right!

Tacoma: What are you doing with the butcher's knife?

Fabrizio: I was, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh, making Marinara Sauce.

Tacoma: This late.

Fabrizio: I'm a hungry man!

Rebecca: See, we were defending ourselves against a group of angry psychos and about to get drunk to numb the pain if you’d like to join us.

Fabrizio: (pause) Yeah, sure. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that offer.

Rebecca: Okay!

(cut back to the forest)

Donnie: Okay, Director's Log, time-code... zero, more numbers are adding up I'm not gonna bother to put it to- I'll keep you updated. Anyway, I seem to be, uh, abandoned in the middle of the woods here, um, no doubt those SWAG bastards. I don't exactly know what to do, I'm not a survivalist, but uh, one thing I do know about is film. So I've been saying to myself, what would the Blair Witch Project do? And then just do the exact opposite of that because those kids were f*cking idiots.

(beep)

Donnie: Okay, so the first thing those kids from the Blair Witch Project did was they got lost for ten seconds and they panicked. So, I am not going to panic, which is easier said than done, but after having myself a good cry, actually I may think I need another one-

(beep, Donnie's crouched down by a tree crying "it's really scary")

Donnie: Okay, better. Uh, but the good news is that I'm so deep inside the forest, chances are nothing dangerous could hear me and track me down and (wolf-howl) do whatever he's going to do.

(beep)

Donnie: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, lookit here, lookit here, we got a bottle people, a bottle, you know what that means? Civilization! There's people out here! I'm gonna read it, see if I can get more information, uh, let's see, uh, Army of Northern Virginia, Confederate States of America I don't think that's a good sign.

(beep)

Donnie: I only hope Rebecca and Tacoma are doing okay without me.

(cut to Rebecca, Tacoma, Quinn and Fabrizio having fun at a drinking contest, Fabrizio passes out and leaves Rebecca the winner)

Rebecca: That is why you never play Drunken Truth Or Dare with me!

Tacoma: Damn, girl.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Quinn: I've never seen a non-Irish woman drink so much.

Rebecca: I told you I can't do caffeine, but liquor? You will be my bitch! By the way, Fabriz, this marinara sauce? Is delicious.

Fabrizio: That's because the secret is in the meat.

Tacoma: What kinda meat is it?

Fabrizio: Scarletti.

Tacoma: Is that some kind of pork?

Fabrizo: Nah, that's a stunada on 54th Street who couldn't keep his mouth shut. (the two look horrified and he laughs) I'm kidding, the secret's in the oregano.

Tacoma: Oh, okay. Meatball?

Fabrizio: God no.

(cut to computer room)

Tacoma: Well at least we know who that guy is.

Rebecca: Keep going, let's see what else happened that night.

(he clicks and we cut to Donnie at night)

Donnie: So I've spent the last four hours trying to build a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Found out it doesn't really work when everything is so wet. I only saw it work once on Pawn Stars, Chumlee tried it, it was pretty funny. He won a bet. Uh, not so funny? Trying to keep warm (he said cool, but I assume he meant warm) by the light of your cellphone.

(beep and we see him trying)

Donnie: Stupid energy saver! Come on my fingers are too numb to keep turning you back on. (hears creepy laughter) Hello? (laughter) Hello? Hey! I'm lost! Can you hear me? (more laughter) God I hope that's a female.

(after commercial break, beep to him lying down on the forest floor)

Donnie: Okay, so obviously if I'm gonna be out here for a bit, I need food, I need to eat, so I've taken some acorns and leafs and I've dug a little hole, and just set a little trap for a little woodland friend. (animal noises) Ooh, there might be one here, shh, why am I telling a camera to shh never mind. Got him! (runs offscreen and groans in pain, beep to later)

Donnie: That's the thing about squirrels, apparently they're natural jumpers

Donnie: Rebecca, Tacoma, I want you to give you the eulogy at my funeral. No doubt you were the only people concerned when I was missing.

Tacoma: Ooh, what was your first sexual experience?

Rebecca: (happily drunk) Well, I was camping with Uncle Frank...

Tacoma and Fabrizio: Agh, dare, dare!

Tacoma: Rebecca, you are a lot more talented than I previously thought.

Rebecca: Yeah well, I'm not as dumb as you guys all think that I am.

Tacoma: I never said that you were dumb...

Rebecca: I can tell, everyone thinks that about me.

Tacoma: I don't!

Rebecca: It's okay, it's okay, it's not your fault, anyone who first meets me thinks that and they don't get a chance to actually see if I can do anything or have opinions or-

Rebecca: You'd think that talent would be something that mattered when you're trying to get cast but it really doesn't, like if you're pretty that's great, if you're dumb that's even better then you don't have an opinion or have an idea on how you want to do the role.

Tacoma: There's plenty of actresses who aren't traditionally attractive. Look at Kathy Bates.

Rebecca: Character actress! She plays psychos and smarmy bitches.

Fabrizio: Yeah but in that About Schmidt, she took her top off.

Rebecca: And did you see it?

Fabrizio: No!

Rebecca: Why?

Fabrizio: Because she took her top off.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Tacoma: Alright, how about Judi Dench?

Rebecca: She's British! She could read out of the phone book and it would sound credible.

Tacoma: Okay then! How about Meryl Streep?

Rebecca: Margaret Thatcher, Julia Childs, Skeletor's lover from Bridges Of Madison County? Shrews, cartoons, cougars and MILFs.

Tacoma: Oh, um, Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich, they didn't make her look hot in there.

Rebecca: Oh yeah! Let's take the hot chick and make her look frumpy. Brilliant! She can get any role she wants, do you know how many normal, ugly people would kill for that role? But no, let's hand it to the cute one and praise her for being edgy.

Tacoma: [beaten] Huh.

Rebecca: That's what being forty means in Hollywood, Tacoma. I'm 23. That means I'm at my midlife crisis. How sad is that?

Quinn: My God this is depressing, and I'm Irish! I'm gonna have to put on Angela's Ashes, just so I can remember what it's like to laugh again.

Donnie: I've realized something. Life is not a movie. You can try your best, do everything correct, and yet you can still fail. Just get used to it. It's the way things are gonna happen, because you can try your best to do everything right, and in the end you still wake up in the middle of the forest, abandoned and dying to death. Nobody's gonna save me right now, I'm just gonna die alone.

Donnie: I don't know how my mom used to love this stuff. I don't know how she carried that enthusiasm, how she used to carry herself with so much brightness and then... how did it get her through such tough times? How did that carry her? How can I just get a little bit of that right now, just a little bit to get me through this pain... The answer is? I can't. Nobody can. So just give up.