Labyrinth (NC)

(We start off the episode with Tamara Chambers in pajamas holding a teddy bear in the middle of a temper tantrum)

Tamara: I don't like anything! Mom and Dad suck!

(Mom and Dad happen to be Tamara (in old lady makeup) with a cigarette and a bottle of hooch, and Doug Walker holding a tobacco pipe)

Mom: Well, there's no doubt about it.

Dad: Our daughter is a twat.

(Suddenly Malcolm Ray appears)

Malcolm: Tired of not being able to keep your child under control?

(We cut back to Tamara having a tantrum)

Dad: This is what the morning after pill is for, you know?

Malcolm: Well, fear not, for we have the perfect solution. (He holds up a DVD case titled "80s Movies") Try 80s movies.

(Posters of Labyrinth, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Return To Oz, The Witches and The Secret of NIMH go by)

Malcolm (vo): The 80s were a time when all kids media wanted to do was scare the shit out of you, and now you can bring their horrendous horrors to your home.

Dad: Hey, honey, wanna see cute little mousies in The Secret of NIMH?

(Tamara laughs while Dad puts the movie in)

Voice: My husband's dead, and my child is dying. Everything's trying to kill me and I'm drowning to death! Aaah!

(Tamara's grin drops into a look of horror)

Malcolm: Think your kid's upset? Wait until she sees a decapitated woman chasing a little girl in Return To Oz.

(Tamara is still in shock as screams are heard)

Voice: Dorothy Gaaaale!

(Pictures of monsters from 80s kids movies appear)

Malcolm (vo): From Little Monsters to The Witches to Something Wicked This Way Comes, 80s films tried to scare life lessons into your child's nightmares to the point where they can't remember what those life lessons are.

(Tamara is clutching her teddy bear's head tightly)

Atrey (voiced by Doug): Artax! Nooooo!!

Mom: But can't we get in trouble for showing our kids that?

Malcolm: No problem. Most 80s films have a PG rating, but that was back when it actually stood for something.

(Posters of The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, Frozen, Inside Out and Kung Fu Panda are shown)

Malcolm (vo): Nowadays, it stands for "Practically G."

Malcolm: So you can plead naive innocence to your cruelty.

(Mom and Dad toast their bottle and pipe against each other. Tamara is still in wide-eyed horror)

Judge Doom (voiced by Doug): When I killed your brother, I talked...JUST...LIKE...THIIIIIISSSS!!!

(Tamara is now rocking in the corner)

Tamara: Death. Endless despair. Sadness. 80s, no!

Mom: Will she ever socialize again?

Malcolm: Well, if she does, just show her Watership Down.

Parents: Thanks, 80s Movies.

(Mom puts her cigarette into Malcolm's breast pocket)

Dad: What made me a stronger human being will scar my kids for life.

Malcolm: It burns.

(A graphic appears to sum it up)

Malcolm (vo): 80s Movies: Making Modern Media Look Like Pussies for Generations. (A Family Picture.)

(We finally come to the Nostalgia Critic 2016 opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. We see a lot of stars in our lifetime, some old, some new. Some shine brighter than others.

(Stars in the sky are shown)

NC (vo): You know that, eventually, every star has to disappear. (Images of David Bowie are shown among the stars) But when one that shines more uniquely fades, the sky doesn't feel the same without it. (Images of Jim Henson, Terry Jones and George Lucas are shown among the stars) Especially when it orbited a solar system of other uniquely shining stars that brought us a galaxy of wonder that we still look in awe at today.

NC: And just in time for its 30th anniversary, we're gonna look at that galaxy. This is Labyrinth.

(The title of the movie is shown, before we see many clips of the movie)

NC (vo): This is a film that's certainly been no stranger in the past, yet Labyrinth has never been given a full Nostalgia Critic review. On the one hand, you can see why. It's a good movie. Directed by Jim Henson, written by Terry Jones, produced by George Lucas, and with songs by the film's antagonist, the late David Bowie. But on the other hand, it's such a strange and "out there" flick that it's impossible not to shake your head and laugh at the surreal drug overdose that you're experiencing. It deserves to be talked about, and that's exactly what we're gonna do.

NC: So experience the wonder and "huh?" of one of the strangest films to ever come out of the 80s. Let's take a look at Labyrinth.

(The movie starts with a CG owl flying across a black background)

NC: Wow. The Owls of Ga'Hoole doesn't hold up as well as I thought.

NC (vo): Actually, that's just the opening credits, leading us to a girl named Sarah, played by Jennifer Connelly, doing Shakespeare in the Park all by herself while reciting lines to a perched owl and her dog.

NC: That's...just what I'd imagine a girl who looks like Jennifer Connelly would do.

(A clock tower suddenly starts ringing its bell)

Sarah: I don't believe it! It's 7:00!

NC (vo): Because every 80s kids film has to start with the main character being late for something, she finds she's late for babysitting her brother Toby, and her mother shoulderpads are not happy about this at all.

Stepmother: You're an hour late.

Sarah: I said I'm sorry!

Stepmother: Please let me finish!

Father: We were worried about you!

(An annoyed Sarah runs up the stairs to her room)

Sarah: I can't do anything right, can I?!

NC: Yeah, as you probably noticed very quickly, our main character is a bit of a pain in the ass.

(Sarah is shown reluctantly babysitting her baby brother Toby)

Sarah: There was a beautiful young girl whose stepmother always made her stay home with a baby!

NC (vo): She's like a one-person Facebook argument. She even gets upset if her teddy bear isn't in the right place.

Sarah: (Sees her teddy bear is gone) Lancelot! Someone has been in my room again! I hate that! (Leaves her room in anger) I HATE IT!

NC: (Mimics Sarah) The first sign of accepting my white privilege is acting like I hate it!

Sarah: (To a crying Toby) I hate you! I HATE YOU!

NC (vo): Future Oscar winner, everybody. Couldn't she just...predict it?

Sarah: You really wanted to talk to me, didn't you? Practically broke down the door!

NC (vo): Granted, her performance does get better as the film goes on, but for the first 10 minutes, you can pretty much call her Hayden Connelly. (An image of Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) is shown)

(Sarah's angry rants are combined with footage of Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

Sarah: There's nothing to talk about!

Anakin Skywalker: You brought him here to kill me!

Sarah: Somebody take me away from this awful place!

Anakin Skywalker: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Sarah: I can bare no longer!

Anakin Skywalker: You underestimate my power!

NC: Though, to be fair, she does go in and out of a British accent like Carrie Fisher. (An image of Leia in Star Wars is shown)

Sarah: You really wanted to talk to me? / Knock it off! / I wish the Goblins would come and take you.

NC: Maybe Lucas productions have a weird British accent virus.

(Sarah holds Toby as thunder rumbles)

Sarah: Goblin King, Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!

NC (vo; chuckles): Man, there are so many medications she would be on today.

NC: You know what you need, honey?

Sarah: (Off-screen and voiced by NC) Magic and mystery?

NC: No, Zoloft and Ritalin. Just mix it in with a liquid tranquilizer.

Sarah: (To a crying Toby) Oh, Toby, stop it!

NC (vo; as Sarah): Is my lullaby not working?

Sarah: No, I mustn't. I mustn't say.

NC (vo): So she offers up her baby brother to the Goblin King...

NC: Again, as most teenagers do.

NC (vo): But supporters from a Trump rally intercept the message and somehow make everything she was talking about come true.

(As lighting flashes throughout, an owl comes in and flies towards Sarah)

NC (vo; as the owl): Hogwarts calling, biatch!

(The owl transforms into Jareth, the Goblin King)

NC (vo): And there he is, in all his Bowie-ness. Look at that hair. By God, it's like a tribble ate a watermelon, then died on top of Tilda Swinton's head.

NC: Sparkle, goddamn, sparkle.

Sarah: You're the Goblin King. I want my brother back.

Jareth: Forget about the baby.

Sarah: I can't. It's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do for me.

NC: (As Sarah) I'm very thankful you're kidnapping my brother and sexually awakening me, but I just can't!

Jareth: I've brought you a gift.

(He brings out a bubble. (FUCKING BUBBLES!) The bubble turns into a snake, which attacks Sarah, but she puts it down. The snake turns into a owl-like creature)

NC (vo): Jesus! I don't think I like this new version of Mary Poppins.

Jareth: He's there in my castle. (Points to his castle far away) Do you still want to look for him?

Sarah: Is that the castle beyond the Goblin City?

(Various shots of Jareth's home and world are shown)

NC (vo; as Jareth): No, that's a painting, that's a model, and that's a very poor bluescreen effect. But what do you care? I'm David Bowie.

Jareth: You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before your baby brother becomes one of us forever.

NC (vo): So Sarah is...pretty accepting of the whole "goblins being real and one of them looking like a male Cruella De Vill", as she begins her journey through the mysterious and whimsical Labyrinth. (A creature named Hoggle is first shown peeing on a fountain) A world of magic, as you can see.

Hoggle: Oh, excuse me!

NC (vo): This creature's name is Hoggle, who spends most of his time finding beautiful fairies and gassing them. (Beat) God, I love 80s films.

Sarah: (Holds a dead fairy) You monster. (The fairy suddenly bites her) Ah! She bit me!

Hoggle: What did you expect fairies to do?

Sarah: Like granting wishes.

Hoggle: Shows what you know, don't it?

NC: (As Hoggle) I try to say I don't believe in them, but then the gay boy comes around and suddenly, they all come back to life!

Sarah: Thanks for nothing, Hogwart.

Hoggle: It's Hoggle!

NC: (As Hoggle) Christ! Do you wanna get sued?

NC (vo): While that's going on, the Goblin King partakes in...what I can only describe as a Muppet Show musical number starring David Bowie.

(Jareth and all his goblin minions perform "Magic Dance" in their lair)

Goblins: Dance, magic dance!

Jareth: Dance, magic dance!

Goblins: Dance, magic dance!

Jareth: Dance, magic dance!

Goblins: Put that baby's spell on me...

NC (vo): The song is obviously the catchiest in the film, and the puppet work is great, too. But let's be honest. The greatest puppet work is what's going on in David Bowie's pants.

(A close-up shows the front of Jareth's pants having a bit of a bump inside)

NC: The jokes made from us about the ferret he was so kind enough...

NC (vo): ...to give a home between his legs are too many to count.

NC: In my opinion, I have already worked overtime for it. So, because of this, I am refusing to do my Top 10 David Bowie Dick Jokes for this review. (Beat) It has to be Top 15.

(The William Tell Overture plays as the logo "The Top 15 David Bowie Dick Jokes" is shown with an image of Bowie and two silver balls)

(#15)

NC: I've seen less stuffing in a Thanksgiving turkey.

(#14)

NC: Is that Gonzo's nose in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

(#13)

NC: Someone's got a rocket in their pocket!

(#12)

NC: If you happen to have an erection that lasts more than four hours, you're probably David Bowie.

(#11)

NC: You should've seen the NC-17 cut.

(#10)

NC: Ground Control to Major Tom, get off the blue pill!

(#9)

NC: Major Tom to Ground Control, tell my wife I love her very much.

(#8)

NC: Major Tom to Ground Control, I think my spaceship knows which way to go.

(#7)

NC: It's the missing Muppet, Stiffy!

(#6)

NC: You think that was puppeted by Frank Oz?

(#5)

NC: I'm gearing up for The Prestige. Want to see my Tesla coil?

(#4)

(A clip from The Happening is shown)

Nursery guy: You like hot dogs, don't you?

(#3)

NC: Special delivery! Careful, big package.

(#2)

NC: Any tighter and those pants will be a thong!

(#1)

NC (vo): And the number 1 David Bowie Dick Joke is...

NC: Don't touch it! It's a Bowie constrictor! Play me off, Paul!

(NC dances as Paul Shaffer plays him off)

NC (vo): Sarah comes across the old riddle of one path that leads onward and another that leads to certain death, with one guard who always tells the truth and one who always lies.

Blue guard: One of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies.

NC: Then...wouldn't the guy who just talked be telling the truth?

NC (vo): He can't lie that one of them always lies and one of them always tells the truth, because if he did, he'd be telling the truth.

NC: I just ruined this scene for you! Tune in next time when I show you how Star Wars is actually about pedophilia.

NC (vo): She thinks she figured out the riddle, but she should've tried Door #2. (Sarah falls down a chasm filled with hands) However, she gets saved by some literal helping hands.

(The hands make a face for them to talk to Sarah)

Hands: Come on. Which way?

Sarah: Which way?

Hands: Up or down?

NC (vo; as Sarah): Okay, half of you hands are alright, but the other half have a serious lawsuit coming! (As the hands) Oh, come on! We just got over the one with Sigourney Weaver.

(Another film clip showing Weaver being attacked by hands is shown. Back to the movie. Sarah falls into a dark cave)

NC (vo): She runs into Hoggle again, who says he can help her get out of the cave.

Hoggle: This way.

Face Alarm #1: Don't go on!

Face Alarm #2: Go back while you still can!

Face Alarm #3 (dubbed over with Dee Bradley Baker): Legends of the Hidden Temple.

NC: (waving it off) Oh, that's just Almek. He always says that.

NC (vo): But, one stone seems particular sparkly.

Jareth: What do we have here?

Higgle: Oh, uh, nothing.

Jareth: Nothing? (reveals himself) Nothing? Nothing? Tra la la.

NC: (looks confused) Even for Bowie, that was a weird thing to say.

Jareth: Tra la la.

NC (as Jareth): That technically counts as a song, residuals.

Jareth: If I thought for one second that you would betray me, I'd be forced to suspend your head first in the Bog of Eternal Stench.

(Hoggle gets down on his knees and begs)

Hoggle: No, your majesty!

NC (vo): Okay!

NC: You're actually giving us that visual, huh?!

NC (vo): (replaying the scene) You just had to move one phallic device closer to another phallic device!

NC: Alright, I have a whole file cabinet full of these.

(NC pressed down and a "cha-ching" sound is made as he pulls up a "David Bowie dick joke")

NC: (reading the joke): "The glowing orb in his hand is nothing compared to the one in his pants". Just remember, there is an entire Internet full of dick jokes for you! I will never run out.

NC (vo): He [Jareth] sends a giant can opener after them, but they of course escape, and come across--what a shock--something weird.

(They come across a Wiseman, who wears a hate with a live bird on it. The bird squaks, and the wiseman grunts; as NC watches the scene, looking annoyed)

Wiseman: Okay

Bird: Okay!

Wise: Hmm what?

Bird: Sorry.

(The Wiseman sighs)

NC: All in favour of fast forwarding this part (a bunch of hands are shown raised, and NC grabs the remote). Thank- you!

(NC fast forward the scene)

NC (vo): Sarah comes across a creature being tortured. Though she feels she shouldn't get involved in muppet politics, she still decides to save him.

Ludo: Friend?

Sarah. That's right Ludo. I'm Sarah

Ludo: Hmmm, Sarah.

NC: (looks confused) I think this is the (picture of) Balrog's slower cousin "Hairclog".

NC (vo): Well that's going on, we rather pointlessly cut back to David Bowie, just still being David Bowie.

NC (vo as goblin): So, is this all we do? I kind of fifties there would be a lot more goblin-tin

NC (vo as goblin #2): Quiet, or he'll whip his zingy stardust out again.

NC (vo): This edit seems particularly strange, swing how he just appears in the next scene anyway. But, you know what: They had David Bowie anyway; they're going to use him as much as they want wouldn't you?

Jareth: Give her this.

NC (vo): So, he gives Hoggle a poisoned fruit to give to Sarah, after making fun of the fact that she could never find someone as ugly as him likeable.

Jareth: You don't think a young girl could ever like a repulsive little scab like you!

NC (as Hoggle): Hey, come on. We can't all look like skipless shanks from cats.

Jareth: You'll give her that Hoggle, or I'll tip you straight into the eternal stench, before you can blink. If she ever kissed you, I'll turn you into a prince. Prince of the land of stench!

NC (vo as Jareth): Really riding that stench angle. I think it's going to be the catchphrase of the movie.

Jareth: (from earlier) Tra la la

NC (vo): So, Sarah seems to come across--ooohhh....that's unfortunate.

NC: That's...um.....that's unfortunate.

NC (vo): You know, there's a reason Hensen's effects were practical, and didn't use blue screens because that....

(Shows one creature toss his head to another creature, who dribbles it)

NC (vo): That, all of that. That's the exact reason why.

(Shows one creature drag another creature)

Creature: (singing) You're chin is dragging on the ground!

NC (vo): And, the funny thing is: This scene ties into nothing. I mean, literally nothing. Even the song is the most forgettable in the film. You could cut it, and not a thing would be affected in the story. You know, the editor must have been....

(Cut the editor, played by Malcolm Ray, with Doug as Jim Hensen)

Editor: Mr. Hensen, we have to cut this scene!

Hensen: Aww, but we worked so hard on it.

Editor: But, it's entirely pointless

Hensen: At least, we proved we could do it.

Bill: No, you didn't!

Editor (vo): (Shows the current scene on the monitor) I'm waiting for Tim Curry to fly in at any moment, and sing a song!

Hensen: Bill, would you do it for Kermit?


 * Note: The real editor was John Grover

Bill: (puts his hands in his face) Oh no!

Hensen (as Kermit): Come on, you can't say no to me Bill.

Bill: (whiny) I can't say no to Kermit.

Hensen (as Kermit): Bill, I would really like this scene to stay in the movie. Pretty please!

Bill: Okay, for you Kermit!

Hensen (as Kermitt): Yaaayyyy! Now, let's all sing the alphabet!

Hensen (as Kermit) & Bill: ABCDEF--

Bill:--Cookie Monster!

(Bill and the Kermit puppet stare at each other until...)

Hensen (as Kermit): I have had to put up with that bullshit for years! It's g! Cookie Monster isn't even a letter! It's a man, it's a freaking man with a sock on his hand!--Uh, I mean...ggggggggg.

(Bill goes to pat the Kermit puppet's head)

Hensen ( as Kermit): Don't ever touch me Bill.

Bill: Sorry.

Hensen (as Kermit): That was Rita The rat's mistake.

(The Kermit puppet stares Jim down as we go to the commercial break)

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): So; Sarah escapes from being...."weirded" to death, but she kisses Hoggle, which I guess means they get sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Man, a goblin king really means the fine print

Jared (from earlier) Tra la la.

NC (vo): They come across a fox, named Didymus--

(Shows Didymus hitting Ludo with a stick)

NC (vo): yeah, not a fan--but, he does help them get across the bridge.

(Shows Didymus riding across the bridge. Ambrosius, his steeds, makes an odd noise)

NC: Oh lovely, it sounds like half the dialogue in a Rob Schneider movie.

NC (vo): But, Hoggle is reminded to give Sarah the poison fruit.

(Sarah takes a bite of the fruit as Hoggle looks away)

Sarah: Hoggle, what have you done?

Hoggle: Damn you Jareth!

Note: This Transcript is incomplete