The Angry Birds Movie

(After the Channel Awesome logo is shown, we see Tamara playing a godlike woman called Muse. The caption of her name is shown as a whispering voice says it. We see Malcolm playing an animator in the year 1995, looking at his offscreen boss)

Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, you need to have a CG animated movie about toys written by next week!

(The boss growls and leaves, leaving Malcolm wondering)

Malcolm: Oh, man. How am I gonna make a movie about talking toys any good?

(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Malcolm and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Malcolm smile in inspiration)

Malcolm: I got it!

(He types eagerly on his computer. We are then shown the box office results of Toy Story, which is $373.5 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Jim Jarosz playing an animator in the year 2014, listening to his offscreen boss)

Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want a cinematic Lego commercial written by tomorrow morning!

(The boss mutters and leaves)

Jim: How am I gonna make a giant ad for building blocks good?

(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Jim and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Jim smile in inspiration)

Jim: I got it.

(He types eagerly on his laptop. We are then shown the box office results of The Lego Movie, which is $469.1 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Doug Walker playing an animator in 2016, who is playing something on his phone while his offscreen boss is yelling)

Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want an Angry Birds movie written by the end of the day! Slam!

(The boss leaves. The Muse is shown again; she approaches Doug and is about to touch his head. However, without noticing her, Doug takes out a gun and shoots Muse dead. While continuing to play on his phone, he looks at the camera)

Doug: It's Angry Birds.

(The 2018 NC opening plays out, before showing NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Who says there can't be good video game movies? (Brings out an Angry Bird plush) Goddamn Angry Birds does!

(The title of The Angry Birds Movie is shown, before showing its clips)

NC (vo): Based on the hit game from 2009, Angry Birds was a phenomenon that practically took over the world. (An image of Angry Birds merchandise is shown, as well as various video games) Everybody loved its simple premise, easy gameplay, and quirky style. So, of course, Sony leaped at the opportunity to make a film at the height of its popularity nine years later. Yeah. Nine years! What took them so long? Were they actually waiting for this to get nostalgic to cash in on it? Or, hey, maybe they just really wanted to get it right before unleashing their cinematic opus. Well, judging by what we got, Angry Birds probably spent as much time on its story as...

NC: ...well, Angry Birds. (Brief footage of the video game is shown)

NC (vo): It's remarkably lazy in so many ways, but apparently was still a big hit, even warranting a friggin' sequel. Why? Because to quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "God is dead, and you killed him...with Angry Birds."

NC: We never knew what he meant by that last part, but now we do.

NC (vo): Despite it making a ton of cash, there are so many critics and audience members that just hated this movie. Ever since it was announced, I had people asking me to review it, and ever since it came out, I had even more people asking me to review it. Sadly, it's both popular enough and bad enough to warrant attention.

NC: Let's take a look at what these birdbrains came up with. This is Angry Birds: The Movie.

(The movie starts with the main character, Red, running through the bird village while holding an egg)

NC (vo): So we start off this barrel of fresh ideas with the incredibly original opening of somebody running late. Well, if this fresh, new idea worked in (Posters and images of what he describes are all shown) Back to the Future, Green Lantern, Lilo &amp; Stitch, Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Big Fat Liar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Alice in Wonderland, Tommy Boy, Cat Returns, Spider-Man 2, Brazil, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Gremlins, Mulan, and an anime trope so well known, there's countless images of people running late with toast in their mouths...

NC: Why not one more?

NC (vo): This is Red, played by Jason Sudeikis, who's on his way to be a clown at a birthday party, but like I said, he arrives late. Or does he?

(Red arrives to the house of a bird named Edward to the hatchday party of the latter's son)

Red: I'm not late. Look at the time. See? The order said, "Before noon".

(Edward glances at his clock, which immediately strikes noon, with a cuckoo bird flying out)

Edward: Okay. Now you're late. You missed the party.

NC: So, wait. They said "Arrive before noon", it's noon, and the party's over? (Beat) Let me look at the script. (takes out a binder and looks in it to see a big caption "AW WHO CARES?!?" written by black marker all over the paper) Oh, wait, I'm sorry. These are the studio notes.

Red: I tried to keep my body between the ground and the box, but... No, I think I got a little bruise. (turns to show his behind to Edward's son, disgusting him) You see anything back there?

NC: Hmm. Don't know which one of these to go with. (Two captions appear to NC's sides: "Stranger Danger" and "A FAMILY picture") Why not both?

(The scene is replayed as both the captions appear, with "Stranger Danger" flashing and the siren blaring, and with NC saying "A FAMILY picture!" in a goofy voice)

NC (vo): Red finally loses his temper and smashes the cake into the parent's face.

(Fed up with Edward's asshole behavior, Red angrily throws the cake into his face)

Red: "Gluten-free cake". What the heck is gluten? I mean, does gluten even exist?

NC: (chuckles) Yeah... (abruply gets confused) What?

(Red turns back to leave, but slips on a squirrel and lands face first right into Edward and Eva's egg, cracking it open)

NC (vo): But he slips on a squirrel, destroying the egg behind him.

Red: (from inside the egg) Congrajulations! (Eva gasps) It's a boy!

NC: (shifts eyes nervously) Um, did we just witness a murder? What's his clown name? Pigeonwise? (A picture of Pennywise the clown from 2017's IT is shown with Red's face Photoshopped on it)

(We're shown Red going through his daily routine on Bird Island: standing in line, kicking out a bird that played football outside of his house, etc. But, in-beween that, we see Red's difficult childhood, when he was being mocked by his classmates, and his birth: he cracks his egg open by himself)

NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Red has some anger issues, as it confusingly cuts back and forth between him being a child and him being an adult, with literally no segue or reason. I didn't even notice it the first time.

NC: I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's not like it's showing him growing up, establishing who he is. It just kind of...randomly cuts to him as a kid.

NC (vo): We just cut to him as an adult, then a kid, then an adult, then him being...born.

NC: ...What the hell is the flow of conciousness here?!

NC (vo): In fact, the whole intro seems out of sequence. It says the title, then it says "the studios present", then it cuts to random points in his life in no particular order, like I said, ending with him being born. And then it cuts back to him with the family he visited! Absolutely none of it ties together. It's literally random scenes in random order. It makes no sense.

NC: And that was my review of Angry Birds. Oh, I'm sorry. Did my sloppy half-ass editing confuse you? Well, if someone can make 352 million dollars off of it, I might as well exploit it while skipping the tough parts, too!

(Edward and Eva accuse Red of their child's premature hatching happening because of him)

NC (vo): The parents take Red to trial because he was the first thing their child saw being hatched.

NC: Oh, by the way, you want to hear the weak-ass reason why they use slingshots in this movie instead of just flying?

Judge Peckinpah: (to Red) Why don't birds fly? I'm gonna tell you why. Where else would we ever want to go? (laughs hysterically along with everyone in the court)

Red: Wow. Not a good joke.

NC: (hand on cheek) One of the many lines I don't think was in the script and was just the actors talking without knowing the microphone was on.

(Peckinpah faces Red menacingly, revealing himself to be pretty tall, but Red snatches Peckinpah's coat to discover he was standing on another bird)

NC (vo): This terrifying star of your nightmares tonight is a judge that sentences Red to anger management, but Red reveals the judge is just two birds to make him seem taller.

NC: What does this have to do with anything going, on even with the judge ignoring that reveal?

Judge Peckinpah: (getting up from the ground) Mr. Red, given the severity of the crimes...

NC: Look! The mime talked!

Mime Bird: Oh, my God...

(The mime's first appearance in the movie, Red punching him in the stomach in the beginning, is shown briefly)

NC (vo): We set him up for about two seconds, so this punchline really pays off.

NC: Hey, compared to the time they put in for the other jokes, two seconds is long!

Judge Peckinpah: (smiling deviously) Anger management class.

Red: (dissappointed) Aw. Pluck my life.

NC: (chuckles) He means the F-word, kids.

(Returning from the court, Red walks past the hug trader bird reaching his arms out, whose only goal is to be hugged)

Red: Nope.

(The hug trader sulks. NC just stares at his, poker-faced)

NC: Oh, I just left that pause, because I know you're laughing so hard at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug. What? You're not laughing at that? Well, you should. It's repeated...

(All the instances of the hug trader reaching his arms out for a hug in the movie are shown)

NC (vo): ...all throughout the movie. I don't even think I really understood it the first time but the movie is telling me it's funny over and over, so I should leave the appropriate amount of space for laughter!

NC: Is it too late to get that creepy girl from Hereditary in this?

(The clip from the film Hereditary is shown, showing the girl named Charlie beheading a bird, again, with Red's face Photoshopped. Back in the movie, Red walks up to the anger management class. In front of it, there is a wooden bird that is holding a moving sign that says "Be Happy", "Smile" and "Welcome Angry Birds" and makes sounds that annoy Red)