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Ask ThatGuy Episode 29 (Oct. 3, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Diase! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: What can the Candy Man not do?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Well, as you all know the Candy Man can make anything he bakes satisfying and delicious. Talk about your childhood wishes. You can even eat the dishes. But he can’t give birth to a son. His semen just isn’t packing the chromosomes he needs. That’s why he sent out the golden tickets to his chocolate factory. So he can find a loving, charming, wonderful child. And steal his semen. He will then mix the Candy Man semen and the boy’s semen and use it in the laffy taffy sperm research center. Right next to the scrumdiddlyumptious stem cell stretcher. What can the Candy Man not do? Play God I tell you! Play God! Yes.

Narrator: Is it possible to get tails on a double headed coin?

ThatGuy: Noooooo!

Narrator: Did the Titanic hit an iceberg?

ThatGuy: Actually, no. The iceberg hit the Titanic. Because inherently all icebergs are evil. Not only do they like to sink ship, but they also like to eat small animals. How many times have we seen animals, even prehistoric animals, catch in icebergs? Too many times. This is why we need global warming, to stop the icebergs. I mean, who else will is going to stop the icebergs, Captain Planet? Fuck him! We need to stop icebergs now before it’s too late! An iceberg molested me.

Narrator: Help! There is a psychopathic killer after me! I am afraid I have no chance of living and will inevitably die a horrible, horrible death!!! So, how was your day?

ThatGuy: Oh, fine. Thanks.

Narrator: I asked my brother to go and buy condoms for me so me and my girlfriend could have sex. When he gave the condoms I found them already opened. I was wondering if it was possible that he opened the condoms, used them, and then tried to return them to me, and if I could catch any disease that he has.

ThatGuy: Well, Sean, it’s best not to take the chance. If they’re already open and looked used, chances are they are used. And if, in fact, your brother does have any sexually transmitted diseases chances are you will get them too. The best thing to do is to throw them out and simply get a new box. [a short pause]What? They don’t all have to be funny! This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End