Tik Tok

Todd: Um...critics will tell you if they don't like what your video turned out as. Like, I'm a critic and I don't begrudge the critics...at all. Um..."Tik Tok" is my greatest disappointment, though, because I am my own worst critic, and "Tik Tok"...ugh...at the end of the day, it just didn't work for me. I was not... And you know, it's..."Tik Tok" is one of those songs that's just been...was immediately parodied to death. It like, you know, enraptured, you know, the public consciousness, and so many people made such better jokes about "Tik Tok" than I did. Honestly, I'm not a fan of really 'any'' of my Ke$ha reviews. Honestly, I think I come off a little sexist in them. Eh, what are you gonna do? People told me they liked it, I didn't. Ke$ha - "Tik Tok", enjoy.

(Fades out)

(Fade into Todd playing "Tik Tok" on his piano.)

KE$HA - TIK TOK. A pop song review

Todd: Before we launch into this week's song, I figure I should give you a little background on the singer Ke$ha. No, not Keisha (pronounced "Key-sha"); Ke$ha. And I can hear you saying already, "wait a minute. I've never heard of this girl, and anyone I've never heard of must suck." Well, that is perfectly sound reasoning, but in fact, you might have actually already heard this girl and not realized it. Did any of you happen to hear Flo Rida's desecration of "You Spin Me Round"?

''Video for "Right Round" Flo Rida: You spin my head right round, right round, when ya go down when ya go down down

Todd: Yeah...isn't that awful? Well, did you notice the obnoxious female voice?

Ke$ha: You spin my head right round, right round, when ya...

Todd (VO): Yeah, that's her. (--Not her in the video, though) Boy, this week's song is looking better and better already.

Todd: And if you need any more evidence that she sucks, I just have one more piece of information for you—she spells her name with a [single cover of "Tik Tok"] dollar sign! Who was the last person to do that? Ma$e? [Album cover of Double Up] Man, that is not an example you wanna follow. I mean, it's bad enough that the girl's parents saddled her with the name "Ketchup". Can we look at that picture again? [Single cover] Wow. Could they have picked a less appealing picture of her? Were they just unable to find a photo of her where she didn't look coked out and about to puke? Okay, I've stalled enough. Her debut single is called "Tik Tok", which, incidentally, is also the name of my weekly podcast about [picture of the Tick with label: "The Tick Talk"] the Tick. Yeah. So anyway, let's just get through this surely abominous waste so I can go watch TV.

Video for "Tik Tok" Ke$ha: Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, Im'ma fight [Todd is getting into it, dancing in his chair] Till we see the sunlight TiK ToK, on the clock But the party don't stop no Woah-oh oh oh Woah-oh oh oh

Todd (VO): Um, honestly...

Todd: ...I'm...I'm really enjoying this. You know, maybe I was a little too negative. I mean, this song is a little bit of a [clip of "Love at First Sight" by...] Kylie Minogue ripoff, yes, but it's a dance song I can imagine dancing to. That makes it already ahead of the curve. You know what? Play this from the beginning.

Ke$ha: Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P. Diddy

Todd: What?

Ke$ha: Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P. Diddy

Todd: So...you feel totally forgotten and like no one's cared about yo for the past six years. Well, we've all been there, deary.

Ke$ha: like P- Diddy (Hey what's up girl) Grab ma glasses I'm out the door I'm gonna hit the city (Let's go) Before I leave brush ma teeth with a bottle of Jack

Todd (VO): Ewww!

Todd: Was there really no better way to put that? Do you clear your sinuses with a handle of vodka? Maybe, you know, reapply your contacts with a six-pack of Budweiser?

Ke$ha: 'Cuz when I leave for the night I ain't comin' back I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes Tryin on all our clothes clothes

Todd: [imitating] Like, totally, for sure. Okay, why is she putting on this silly Valley Girl accent? Are we still doing that?

Clip from How I Met Your Mother, specifically the video for "Let's Go to the Mall" Robin Sparkles: Chloe, mouse, I love it.

Todd: I thought Saturday Night Live was out-of-date when Adam Sandler and David Spade were pretending to be Valley Girls in the early 90s; I don't know why Ke$ha thinks it's such a hip thing to do in 2009. Or...or maybe that's what she actually sounds like. [Thinks about it] Oh! Oh, man, that didn't even occur to me! Oh, God, that's awful! Oh, there's one part of the 80s that didn't need to come back!

Ke$ha: I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes [Intercut with video for Frank Zappa - "Valley Girl"] Moon Unit Zappa: And I wanted like to get my toenails done Ke$ha: Tryin on all our clothes clothes Moon Unit: I love going into like clothing stores and stuff Ke$ha: Boys blowin' up our phones phones Moon Unit: Like, oh my God! Frank Zappa: Valley girl

Todd: Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that she cleared up where she got her pedicures.

Ke$ha: I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes

Todd: 'Cause I'm starting to get the feeling that she's the type of girl that, if someone doesn't clarify that for her, she'll try to get pedicures on her eyeballs or something.

Ke$ha: Drop top and playin' our favorite CD's Goin' up to the parties Tryin' to get a little bit tipsy

Todd: Wow! It's like Fergie...except with severe brain damage. [Pause] So it's like Fergie.

Ke$ha: TiK ToK, on the clock But the party don't stop no [Todd tries to get into it, but without much enthusiasm] Woah-oh oh oh Woah-oh oh oh Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Todd: Eh? Okay. [Picture of present-day Mick Jagger] If that does it for you. I mean, Mick Jagger is a legendary ladies' man, but [clip of Jagger in video for "Start Me Up"] not because of his looks. By the way, how much you wanna bet that half this song's fanbase doesn't even know who Mick Jagger is? Although, still not as dated a reference as [picture of...] P. Diddy. Actually, could we back the song up just a bit?

Ke$ha: Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger

Todd: Hey, Ron. You see those girls over there? Well, I hear they got swagger. Todd/Ron: They got swagger, huh? Well, you know me. I'm always on the lookout for a girl with swagger. I just hope we're [another picture of Mick] ugly, misshapen and frog-like enough for her.

Ke$ha: look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin' bout everybody getting crunk, crunk Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

Todd (VO): Aaagghh!

Todd: Look, maybe things are different where you're from, but where I'm from, "junk" has a very [picture of Mark Spitz] gender-specific connotation. I...I know what she's trying to say, I just wish she'd found a different way to say it. [Imitating] Barf me out.

Ke$ha: ...bout everybody getting crunk, crunk

Todd (VO): Is every line of this song terrible?! Can we go back to the chorus? I like that part. And to be honest, the shine is coming off that a little too. I mean, look at this.

Ke$ha: DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, Im'ma fight Till we see the sunlight

Todd (VO): Does "fight" mean dance now? Since when? I thought she was going to a night club, not a fight club!

Ke$ha: we goin' til they kick us out, out Or the police shut us down, down Police shut us down, down Po-po shut us down man

Todd: Come on! You're just repeating yourself now? Couldn't come up with anything to rhyme? What's the matter? Was it too hard to find a rhyme for the word "down"?!

Clip of "Down"

Todd (VO): Apparently!

Ke$ha: Or the police shut us down, down

Todd (VO): ''[imitating] Like, oh my God, I can't believe the police shut us down. Shya!''

(OBLIGATORY SWEET-SOUNDING BRIDGE) Ke$ha: Yeah, you got me You build me up You break me down My heart, it pounds

Todd (VO): This bridge is nice, but it doesn't really fit with the other STD-crusted verses.

Ke$ha: Put your hands up Now, the party don't start till I walk in Don't stop, make it pop

Todd (VO): And we couldn't come up with any other lines for that verse. Okay, I'm done with this.

Todd: This is a frustrating one for me because it's fun and it's catchy and you can dance to it, but...oh, God, that voice, those lyrics, they're just killing it for me. Like, just beating me over the head with that persona. You know, that noxious, annoying, spoiled, rich, bratty, abimbo... Like, I don't need my dance music to be intelligent, I'm not asking for that. But I also ask that, you know, they not beat me over the head with its own vapidness. Didn't we not let Paris Hilton have a singing career for exactly this reason? And you know what? I'm still not convinced that this isn't supposed to be a joke of some kind. I mean, it's more of a comedy novelty record than anything. It should be on the Dr. Demento show, not the pop charts, and I could try to appreciate it on those terms, you know. It's...it's a joke; it's funny; it's so bad, it's good. But I can't even do that. You know why? Because I know that everywhere around the country, all the wrong people are laughing with this, not at this. And it comes on, and they scream, "oh my God, it's my song! Yeah! Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee." No, no, no, no. I guarantee you, you look in the Girls Gone Wild videos of the future, and you will find "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha playing somewhere. And if you look in the Girls Gone Wild videos of the past, you'll probably find Ke$ha. [Single cover, but it reads Ke$ha Gone Wild] And that is, like, totally all I have to say about this, so let's just wrap this up.

Ke$ha: TiK ToK, on the clock But the party don't stop no

Todd (VO): Yes, it does.

Todd: Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee? Shut up

Closing tag song: Julie Brown - "'Cause I'm a Blonde"

THE END

"Tik Tok" is owned by RCA/Jive Records This video is owned by me