Eenie Meenie

(Todd plays "Eenie Meenie" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: SEAN KINGSTON & JUSTIN BIEBER - "EENIE MEENIE" A pop song review)

Todd: (a la Nostalgia Critic) Hello, I'm Todd In The Shadows. I listen to it 'cause you don't want to. Alright, so what are we doing this week? Something good?

[People Magazine cover of Justin Bieber]

Todd: [demonic] Biiiiieeeeebbbbbeeeeerrrr...

Video of "One Time"

Todd (VO): Oh, I hate this kid. I'd lock him in a burning building, if given the opportunity. The very first second I heard him sing, I wanted him dead, and that was before I even actually got a look at him.

Todd: I'm not even sure I can come up with a rational explanation for why I hate this thumbsucking, bedwetting freak of nature so much, I just...look at that stupid little smirk on his face, stupid bowlcut hairdo, stupid gray hoodie pulled up over his head. You look like a loser dressed like that, Bieber! A loser!

Video of "Lonely Girl"

Todd (VO): I'm aware that Bieber is currently one of those artists that it's cool to hate. Yeah, trust me, I don't hate music to be cool. I've got a whole iPod's worth of uncool music that I listen to, so trust me—Bieber really is legitimate that terrible.

Todd: For example, take a listen to his latest single.

Video of someone else entirely

Jimmy Osmond: I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool...

Todd (VO): Huh? Oh, okay. Okay, this is apparently not Justin Bieber. Could've fooled me.

Todd: No, apparently Bieber's newest song is a duet with R&B singer Sean Kingston and...well, that's just a study in contrasts right there.

Video for Sean Kingston - "Beautiful Girls"

Todd (VO): I had the exact opposite reaction to Sean Kingston. I felt like I should hate him a lot more than I do, but...I've always just been amused by his existence. I mean, look at him. Derrr, deerrrrrr! Like Justin Bieber, Sean Kingston is in way over his head. But unlike Justin Bieber, he seems to be so aware of it, you know? Everything I've ever seen him in, he's got this big, stupid grin on his face like he's saying "Wow! I don't belong here at all. Everyone, please, please just let me enjoy this while I can."

Todd: Okay, before we start in with their new duet, I've got a point I need to make here. When people ask me what's more important to me, the lyrics or the music, I always have to say the music. That's why it's called listening to music. I do notice bad lyrics, but I'm actually pretty forgiving on that front. If the music moves me, I can listen to some pretty bad lyrics. Hell, I can even bump to "Carry Out" a little. [Clip from "Carry Out"] (VERY little.) And so I want to say that the music for this new song is...fine.

Video for "Eenie Meenie"

Todd (VO): Production is solid, melody is catchy. Hell, even Bieber's singing is a little less shaky than it usually is.

Todd: However...I do have some standards. Lyrics can be bad enough to ruin a song for me. And in this case, I believe I might have spotted some noticeable lyrical deficiencies. You know what, why don't we see if you can spot them? Take a listen.

Sean Kingston: I wish our hearts could come together as one 'Cause shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover

Todd: Did you catch that? Maybe you missed it, why don't we play it again!

Sean and Justin: 'Cause shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover

Todd: You need a third time maybe? No, no, I think...I think we've all spotted the major problem here. The problem obviously is that they use the word "a" instead of "an". You see, when the indefinite article precedes a word that begins with a vowel sound, you're supposed to use the word "an" instead of "a". How did they miss that? That's just something everyone involved should've realized. That's just basic third-grade material. And speaking of basic third-grade material, EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?!?! HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK I AM?!?!

Todd (VO): I've heard bad lyrics, I've heard lazy lyrics, I've heard dumb lyrics, but this is so far beyond that, it is downright disrespectful. I feel personally insulted by this. There's no excuse.

Todd: There is no reason why anyone could have or should have written a song that sounds like a collaboration between [images of] R. Kelly and Lamb Chop!

Justin: Let me show you what you're missin'

Todd (VO): This song has seven writers, including Kingston, including Bieber, including presumably some grown-ups—why didn't one of them suddenly snap their head up and say...

Todd: "Wait a minute. This is the stupidest-sounding thing ever recorded...and I've never really been in love with my wife! It's all been a lie!

Sean: 'Cause shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover

Todd (VO): Now normally I do have problems with choruses that consist only of one line repeated over and over again, I generally think songwriters should try a little harder than that, but when you start out with "Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover", you don't really have anywhere to take that.

Todd: You kinda wrote yourself into a corner, huh, guys.

Sean: You can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind

Todd: Okay, so what "eenie meenie miney mo lover" is allegedly supposed to mean is that this girl is indecisive and can't pick just one guy to be with.

Sean: She's indecisive, she can't decide...

Todd: Although actually, now that I think about it, wouldn't it mean the exact opposite?

Todd (VO): I mean, "eenie meenie miney mo" is a pretty solid decision-making process. You do "eenie meenie miney mo" and you got a pretty concrete answer at the end of it, albeit an arbitrary one.

Todd: So wouldn't it mean that "eenie meenie miney mo lover" means that...that she picks her lovers at random? Or, you know, without any real reasoning. Maybe...WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! Here's what "eenie meenie miney mo lover" means—nothing! It means Justin Bieber thinks his fans are idiots and he's right!

Todd (VO): Now let's take a look at Sean Kingston. Fat, can't dance, kinda ugly, not exactly overloaded with dignity.

Todd: Yeah, he sounds like Ray Charles next to Justin freakin' Bieber. Kingston doesn't elevate himself, but he doesn't embarrass himself like Bieber does. Bieber's just trying so very hard

Justin: Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover

Todd: Yeah, sing it, Bieber.

Justin: Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover

Todd: Wring every drop of emotion out of the words "eenie meenie miney mo lover".

Todd (VO): Make sure we don't miss a single moment of raw passion.

Todd: Make us believe that you feel deep down in your soul that Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lava. [Image of flowing lava ...?] Okay, like I was saying, the big problem with Justin Bieber is that he is shamefully unaware of his own limitations. Much like Scrappy-Doo charging at a monster six times his size, Justin Bieber sings these unabashedly sexual songs, not realizing that his pathetic castrato voice has nowhere near the charisma he needs to pull this off.

Justin: Let me show you what your missin' Paradise So give me the night To show you, hold you

Todd: Wow. Delivery with all the raw sexual energy of a first-grader asking his teacher to marry him. Awwww. Like I was saying, I don't hate the music in this. I don't think this was unsalvagable. It's just a shame that this is what they did with it. This could've been halfway decent if they could've just given the song some better lyrics...cut Bieber out of the equation. They'd done that, this might've been okay. [Long pause] Hey, wait a minute! They did!

Video of Sean Kingston - "Fire Burning"

Sean: Somebody call 911! Shawty fire burning on the dance floor

Todd (VO): This is a carbon copy of "Fire Burning", which is Sean Kingston's last hit. Same structure, same production, stupider lyrics.

Todd: It's not like anyone was gonna mistake "Shawty fire burning on the dance floor" for a Leonard Cohen line anytime soon, but it worked for what it was, so basically "Eenie Meenie" is preposterous, annoying, and redundant! There was no reason to copy it! They even installed a rap bridge at the end of the song!

Sean: Eenie meenie miney mo

Todd: God! I forgot about this part.

Sean: Catch a bad chick by her toe If she holla (if, if, if she holla) let her go

Todd: You idiots! Listen to what you are saying! "Eenie meenie miney mo" is a nonsense rhyme. It has no place being in your song. What you are literally saying is that you're restraining women by their feet for being bad and you won't release them until they scream loud enough for your satisfaction! If I said things like that, I'd be arrested!

Justin: Catch a bad chick by her toe If she holla (if, if, if she holla) let her go

Todd: I just heard Justin Bieber rap. It hasn't been a good day.

Todd (VO): And "bad chick". Let's talk about that one for a moment.

Todd: These two guys seem to be trying to copy the whole "evil girl warning song" template. You know, [quick snippets of following videos] like "Maneater", "Poison" by Bell Biv Devoe, or "Easy Lover". Huh, that's a duet between a white guy and a black guy too. It's like they took that song and shrunk it. But in "Eenie Meenie", is the girl really that bad? I think the girl in "Poison" was supposed to have deadly STDs or something, but in "Eenie Meenie", the girl's only crime is being indecisive. It seems to me she has all the right in the world to be indecisive—her only choices are the fat doofus and the toddler!

Todd (VO): [imitating girl] Oh, you smell like hamburgers. So, like, I'm going over here. Oh my God, you're wearing Spongebob sneakers? Ew, I'm going back to the fat guy.

Todd: Okay, as much as I despise Bieber's smarmy little ferret face, I'm not gonna pretend that I don't know who wins this battle.

Todd (VO): I don't see a lot of girls wearing Sean Kingston t-shirts and backpacks, is all I'm saying. As long as this chick is down with pedophilia, I think Bieber's got this one in the bag. Everyone eventually succumbs to the awesome undeniable sex appeal of Justin....what is he wearing?! Pink shirt, red belt, that is the least heterosexual outfit I've ever seen. And...is he wearing lipstick? What is wrong with this kid's mouth?

Todd: Yeah, okay, "Eenie Meenie" is a concept that was basically stillborn and wrongheaded from the very beginning and they somehow made it even worse. I'd have to step back and reconsider this one even if I were a screaming pre-teen Bieber fan, or a screaming...Kingston fan. I don't know what a Sean Kingston fan would look like. Regardless, the fact remains there is just no getting around the fact the foundation of the song is [each word shown by itself] "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover" "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover"? "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover"? No matter how you say it, it sounds ridiculous, and believe me, I feel stupider every time I say it. [Image of Sean] Eenie, [Justin] Meenie, [Sean and Justin] Miney, [the finger] Mo. Screw the both of you. The end.

Closing tag song: Jimmy Osmond - "Long Haired Lover from Liverpool"