Mission: Impossible 2

(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence are shown. Open on NC sitting on the couch and looking offscreen. Laughter is heard in the background, much to his annoyance)

NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Apologies, we're looking over pictures with Tom Cruise's career. (Audience gasps) Not Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise's career.

(Tom Cruise (played by Walter) is seen sitting with Tamara and Malcolm on the couch, wearing sunglasses. He is showing them a photo album)

Cruise: And this is when I jumped out of one building to another!

Tamara and Malcolm: Wow!

(Cruise turns the page as NC puts his head in his hand listlessly)

Cruise: Oh, this is when I jumped out of a plane by myself!

Tamara and Malcolm: Wow!

Cruise: (laughing) Yeaheheheheh!

NC: Whatever you think of Tom Cruise, you have to admit, his career is doing pretty damn good.

(Cut to footage of Tom Cruise on an episode of The Graham Norton Show)

NC (vo): Granted, there's a slip up here and there, (A poster of The Mummy is displayed as he says this) but Cruise has proven he can be charming, funny, dramatic, and surprisingly kind of a badass.

(Footage of Cruise's first Mission: Impossible movie is shown)

NC (vo): One of the reasons to see his films now is that he's doing several dangerous stunts, driving badass machines, and usually hanging off of something. (A poster of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is shown) The guy is like a male Lara Croft, even down to hating Jon Voight.

NC: And that shit is impressive! Really, it is! I can't do that stuff. (sighs) But there's just something about him...

Cruise: (to Tamara and Malcolm) Hey, you wanna see an interview where someone calls me incredible?

Malcolm: Aren't there a ton?

Cruise: (laughing) Yes, there are! (nudges Malcolm while laughing)

Tamara: (pointing at a picture in the album) Hey, what's that a picture of?

(Cut to a closeup of the album, revealing what she's pointing at: a shot of Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder)

Cruise: (somewhat embarrassed) Oh, it's Tropic Thunder. I really needed that after, uh... (voice trails off)

Tamara: After what?

(Cruise hems and haws for a few seconds before brightening up again)

Cruise: Nothing, (quickly turns the pages) let's just keep turning the pages this way! (laughs) Yeah...

NC: (squints) Wait a minute. What are you hiding?

Cruise: Nothing. I...Nothing.

NC: I think someone's career went through an awkward phase.

Cruise: No! Tropic Thunder didn't get me out of any trouble that my ego got me into in the first place, okay?! (chuckles nervously)

Tamara: (points at another picture of Cruise jumping on the couch on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2005) Is that you jumping on Oprah's couch while...wrestling her?

Cruise: No!

Malcolm: (points out two screenshots showing Cruise as Nathan Algren in The Last Samurai) Is that you as a samurai teaching the Japanese the importance of their own culture?

Cruise: (gets more annoyed) No!

Tamara: (points out another shot of Cruise on NBC's Today show) Is that you saying "Psychiatry is a pseudoscience"?

Cruise: How did you get that from a picture?!

Tamara: You just has that look.

NC: I knew it. Your ego's more under control now, but there was a time where it was totally insane.

Cruise: I was young. It's hard being constantly 35.

Malcolm: And...what's this a picture of? (A photo of Cruise riding a motorcycle, wearing...what else?...sunglasses, is shown)

Cruise: It's a face. It's nothing.

Malcolm: Is that a leather jacket and shades?

Tamara: That's like what a fifth-grader thinks is cool.

NC: (shakes head, grinning) Oh, I think I know what it is.

Cruise: Oh, no, you don't.

NC: Oh, yes, I do.

Cruise: (through clenched teeth) Oh, no, you don't!

NC: Oh, yes, I do!

Cruise: Oh, no, you DON'T!

NC: No. Really, I do.

Cruise: Okay. (gets back to album)

NC: (to the camera) That's Cruise's career at the height of his ego, Mission: Impossible 2.

Cruise: (closes the album and laughs) Eheheheheheh! Yes, right! Eheheheheheheh!

(The title of the film is shown, before going to the clips of five other Mission: Impossible movies)

NC (vo): The Mission: Impossible movies nowadays have gotten a reputation of being...you know, good. They have good action, good writing, good acting, and ways to make awkward superhero movies even more awkward. (Henry Cavill as August Walker in the sixth movie, Fallout, is shown with the shot of Superman and his CGI upper lip in 2017's Justice League) But people forget there was a time when they weren't seen as that. The first film not only confused people, but it pissed off a lot of fans of the show with a lame portrayal of one of their lead characters. The third one underutilized one of Hollywood's great actors (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and turned into a snorefest with obvious plot twists.

(Now, we cut to the clips of the second movie, released in 2000)

NC (vo): But, by far, the most hilariously bad was Mission: Impossible 2. This film was directed by John Woo, a filmmaker who really wants you to know that a film was directed by John Woo. The days of a secret team sneaking in together with nail-biting suspense were gone and instead replaced with Tom Cruise doing 90% of the work, while everyone else either types on a keyboard or bangs him. Thank God you got the short straw, Ving Rhames! This was so much about making Tom Cruise look good, as opposed to making a good movie, that it became downright laughable.

NC: (sits behind his desk) So, sit back and see how over-the-top it can get. This is Terminator. (A poster of this movie is shown with an aforementioned scene of Ethan Hunt on a motorcycle)

Cruise: No.

NC: (the poster is changed to one for...) Kung Fu.

Cruise: No!

NC: (poster for Skyfall) James Bond.

Cruise: (shakes fist) NO!!

(The poster for the 1966 show appears. NC looks at this and the scene of Ethan on a bike)

NC: (sighs) Mission: Impossible.

Cruise: Come on, look at it. It's just like the show! (laughs, then starts sobbing) Oh, God!...

(The first scene shows Dr. Vladimir Nekhorvich, played by Radé Sherbedgia, walking through an airport and looking at his phone)

NC (vo): We open with a scientist giving the most logical of speeches, resulting in the most radical of conclusions.

(We cut directly to the doctor doing some experiments in a lab while holding an injection device)

Dr. Nehkorvich (vo): Every search for a hero must begin with something that every hero requires: a villain. Therefore, we created a monster.

NC: What kind of dumbass scientist talks like this? (A picture of a stereotypical nerd with giant front teeth is shown) Which major, in Comic Book Hipster Philosophy?

NC (vo): But these first few seconds aren't nearly John Woo enough. Woo up that shit!

(Nekhorvich looks troubled while the scene fades out and a scene of kids cheering and running in circles is fading in. This scene becomes grey and blurred, while it changes back between the doctor and this scene)

NC: Wow. You're quite the art house director, Woo. Now...

(Cut to Nekhorvich and Sean Ambrose (played by Dougray Scott) who is disguised as Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) sitting in the same row inside the plane)

NC (vo): ...let's immediately cut to a scene with Tom Cruise looking like (A shot of Billy Mitchell's character in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters is shown) that King of Kong asshole.

NC: (waving his hands in front of his face) Totally syncs up!

Ambrose: (wearing an Ethan mask) You keep staring at that watch as if your life depended on it, doctor.

NC: (vo) Okay, right of the bat, we know that this isn't the real Tom Cruise, because he is wearing a turtleneck. And in spy films, villains always wear the turtleneck! (A picture of a clothing aisle is shown) There's an aisle for them in Target.

(Ambrose hits Nekhorvich with a hand edge hit on his throat, killing him instantly. Then he takes Nekhorvich's briefcase, takes off his pretty CG-looking mask of Ethan, revealing his true identity, and takes a deep breath)

NC: Oh, and here I thought the twist was that...

(Two screenshots of Artemus Gordon in his disguise as the President in Wild Wild West are shown next to Nekhrovich)

NC (vo): ...he (Nekhorvich) was gonna be Kevin Kline in the only disguise he thinks there is.

(Ambrose and his subordinates leave the plane through an exit in the floor, before the plane blows up. Cut to the Grand Canyon where Ethan Hunt himself makes a climbing tour)

NC (vo): They take the scientist's samples and blow up the plane, leading to a perfect representation of Tom Cruise climbing his own sense of self-worth.

(Ethan hangs on the edge of a cliff and climbs on it sideways, still hanging from it. We cut to a scene from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier with Spock floating via levitation boots)

Spock: Greetings, Captain. I do not think you realize the gravity of your situation

(More scenes of Ethan climbing, jumping and hanging on the Grand Canyon are shown)

NC (vo): Okay, so...it's cool that he is doing that stunt, but unlike the other films where it ties in into the story and gets you more in to it, what does this scene have to do with anything, aside from Tom Cruise's erection size?

NC: No, seriously. There is a...

(A scene of Ethan leaning in a niche in the Grand Canyon is shown again with an arrow pointing in the direction of his crotch)

NC (vo): ...bug right there on that mountain saying...

Animated Bug (voiced by Doug): Boy, talking about being between a rock and a hard place. (Zoom in to the bug's face, as his face switches from surprised to serious) Because Tom Cruise has a very big penis.

(After a beat, a shot of Frank T.J. Mackey (Cruise) in Magnolia is shown with the text "Paid by the 'That was Totally Tom Cruise's Junk in Magnolia and Not a Dead Weasel' Foundation. So ... basically Tom Cruise")

NC: What's up with the...

(Cut to some snippets of the opening credits, which are shown during Ethan's climbing)

NC (vo):  ...credits, by the way? Sometimes, they're capitalized, sometimes, they're lower-cased, sometimes, they're half and half. Oh, maybe it's code. That's how you know we're in a spy film, guys! I don't trust a movie less professional than the writing on a kindergarten lemonade stand.

(A helicopter flies towards Ethan's position. A sniper points at him and throws a pair of sunglasses, which Ethan puts on to receive his mission message)

NC (vo): But a helicopter comes around, stupidly points him out... (as the sniper) No, I was pointing at the other Tom Cruise in this barren desert, you dumbass. (normal) ...and gives him his mission on sunglasses, because Tom Cruise thinks he looks cool wearing sunglasses.

Mission Commander Swanbeck (Anthony Hopkins): (via audio recording) Your mission, should you choose to accept it, (The sunglasses give Ethan the visual information of "Mission: Chimnera" with Wolf priority) involves recovery of the stolen item, designated "Chimera".

NC: (hand on cheek) God, don't you wish his mission was told to him in a pair of sparkling girl glasses?

(A pair of heart-shaped pink glasses is shown in the corner)

NC (vo): Then it'd be like... (as Ethan) I don't want to wear 'em! (as Swanbeck) You have to wear them if you want the mission. (as Ethan) D'ohh, I'm still manly! (as Swanbeck) Of course you are.

(After the message ends, Ethan removes his glasses and throws them directly into the camera, where they fall apart and self-destruct with a spark effect)

NC: (smiles) Whoo! They're Samson glasses.

(Cut to Seville, Spain, where we are shown a party with Nyah Nordoff-Hall (Thandie Newton) and Ethan attending it, and they exchange their first eye contact)

NC (vo; speaking in a romantic tone): We poetically transition to Spain, where the beautiful dancers spin in slow-motion, revealing the majestic nature and artistic elegance that only a Spanish dancer would be able to-

NC: This is Mission: Impossible, right?

(Nyah swings over the edge of a bath tub, opens the hidden safe on one of the sides and gets surprised by Ethan appearing right behind her)

NC (vo): We see Catherine Zoe Saldana Jones stealing a hidden treasure, when Tom Cruise sneaks in.

Nyah: What are you doing here?

Ethan: You think you're the only on who can pick a lock?

Nyah: Not just a pretty face, after all.

NC: (as Nyah) No, no, far less.

NC (vo): Somebody walks in there, which means...Oh, no, we have to hide in this hot tub together!

(The way the two are hiding in the hot tub is very sexually suggestive)

Nyah: Do you mind if I'm on top?

NC: (as Ethan) Physically, no. (The title of the movie poster, which has Cruise's name over the title, is shown) Namewise? Hell, yeah!

Nyah: (now sitting on top of Ethan, trying to open the safe) This is very disconcerting.

(The camera looks now from Nyah's perspective, so we can see Ethan's face and the uncovered parts of her breasts)

Ethan: Hey, you put me there. I just do as I'm told.

NC (vo; as Nyah): The fact that you produced this movie really indicates the exact opposite. (Tom Cruise's producing credit is shown)

(An alarm sounds, causing the hotel's owner and several guards to appear and confront Ethan and Nyah)

NC (vo): The owner comes in, though, and Cruise has to talk his way out of it.

Owner: (to the guards) It is Mr. Keese, our security engineer.

Ethan: Under the circumstances, I think we'd recommend resetting the sensors to respond to a lighter load.

NC: (as Ethan) And get a slightly less silly jacket. Might I recommend...

NC (vo; as Ethan): ...the horny Willy Wonka suit I'm currently being aroused in?

(Ethan and Nyah manage to leave the hotel without any trouble)

Ethan: I wanna see how good you were. I was hoping we might work together.

NC (vo): He asks her to join his team, but she refuses. (The next day, Nyah is riding her car until Ethan appears in his own car) So they rip off the car chase from GoldenEye because...you know, James Bond is a cool spy who gets a lot of pussy, and Mission: Impossible has Spock in it. (A credit in the original show, saying "Leonard Nimoy as Paris", is shown) Which one do you think Cruise is gonna go for?

(Ethan drives next to Nyah)

Ethan: Pull over and listen to me, will you? Just listen.

NC: (as Ethan while mimicking driving a car) Dianetics is a good book, damn it!

(During their chase, Nyah's car hits another car, causing her to spin around as Ethan looks at her, which is shown in slow-motion with a haunting female choral heard in the background)

NC: Okay, why is every shot in this a cologne commercial?

(The scene is shown with the caption "Cruise Control" and an image of a perfume bottle)

Announcer: Cruise Control. When you want to smell like you're trying too hard.

(The animated bug appears again)

Animated Bug: He has a very big penis.

(Ethan saves Nyah from going off a cliff)

NC (vo): They almost go off a cliff because...romantic?...and she agrees to accept his mission. (We cut to Ethan and Nyah lying in a bed) I didn't mean it that way, but here we are.

Ethan: Damn, you're beautiful.

NC: Aww. Was there a mirror next to her?

(They look at each other some more before going back to kissing, while romantic spanish music plays in the background)

NC: (waving his hands) Mission: Impossible. We do spy stuff eventually.

NC: (vo) Hoho, if only we could keep all these women from Tom Cruise's producing credit... I mean, just Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise himself. He is very secure.

(The bug apears again in the lower rigth corner)

Animated bug: Very big penis.

(Cut to a room, where Ethan is talking with Commander Swanbeck, played by Anthony Hopkins)

NC: (vo) Oh, thank god. Here is someone to add some credibility.

Swanbeck: (Anthony Hopkins, with a very thick accent) ...

NC: (leans back in confusion) Oh, oh ,oh, movie, you're American now?

Swanbeck: Sorry I barged in on your vacation.You have any idea what he is talking about? You're listening to me?

NC: (miming his accent) (throws his hand up and lets them fall on the desk) Ohh, yeah. Got it, average american Joe. Why don't you just sit over there next to...

(Cut to a book shelf with (from rigth to left) Benedict Cumberbatch Doctor Strange from the 2016 movie, a Chris O'dowd character, and Hugh Laurie's Doctor House)

NC: (vo) ... Doctor Strange, House and every Chris O'Dowd performence?

NC: We were just gonna talk about Jazz and cowboys.

(Ethan sees a presentation about the current situation)

NC: (vo) He is told about the scientist being dead and that his double, Sean, was sent to him because Cruise was on vacation. Of course they explain Sean went rouge, because it can't be an Mission: Impossible movie without an agent going rouge...

NC: I mean we could, (sheaks his hand in front of him while moving the to the sides) but then it would be like an episode of the show... (a crossed out poster for the show appears with a buzz sound, while NC makes a defensive hand gesture and smiles) Eh, yeah.

NC: (vo)... And Cruise has to use his now current girlfriend to infiltrate him, as she was once Sean's ex-girlfriend.

ethan: (to Swanbeck) I don't think I can get her to do it.

Swanbeck You mean it would be difficult?

Ethan Very.

Swanbeck Well, this is not 'Mission: Difficult', Mister Hunt, it's 'Mission: Impossible'.

NC: (fakes being suprised): Oh, of course, of course, now it makes sense. You know, the whole time I was watching this movie saying "Why is it called Mission; Impossible", like it was confusing me, like I couldn't follow it, but now you clarified it, thank you very much. (takes a breath, before rolling his finger in a cricle) Not sure how that...

(Shows movie posters from the other  "Mission: Impossible" movies scrolling from left to rigth)

NC: (vo) ...carries over to the other movies, like, the explanaition doesn't really match to those. Where there other thieves you had to convince to join your team and thats how you got that title?

NC: (waving his hands in front of the camera) But I now know it started here. (poster of this movie is edited in) Even though it actually started ( poster of "Mission: Impossible"  appears left from the first poster) here and before then it started (poster of the show appears rigth from the first poster)here, but you clarified the title, so there is no confusion. (Posters are replaced with those of the original 1978  "Halloween", the  2007 Rob Zombie Remake, and 2018 Version "Halloween III 3D") Anyone wants to see 'Halloween'?

(We cut to a burning statue of angels)

NC: (vo) So things are getting heavy... I guess, because they're really amping up their visual dramticness.

(We see Ethan wandering in the croud in front of the burning statue and silhouettes of a church, while heavy choire music id playing in the background. After a while we cut to the famous "You keep using that word" scene from  "The Princess Bride" with John Woo's name being placed over Wallace Shawn's character Vizzini)

NC (vo, as Inigio Montoya) You use slow motion, choire music and things waving in the wind a lot. I do not think what you think it means.

NC: (vo) Let's see this two (Nyah and Ethan) talk like they have been in a relationship for years, even though they just had (shows scenes of their past interactions simultaniously to the said unteraction) a one-nigth-stand, brougth on by killing each other in cars and hot tub thievery.

Nyah: Somewhere in the course of business this got personal as well as physical.

Ethan: Would it make you feel any better, if I didn't want you to do this?

Nyah: Yeah, much.

Ethan: Then feel better!

NC: (shrugs and shakes his head) well that was weird.

NC: (vo) Let's talk happily about what we were talking angrily about a second ago.

Nyah: You know Sean wouldn't be anything but suspicious, if I bitch up and saying 'Hey, honey, I'm home.'

Ethan: What wouldn't make him suspicios?

NC: I don't know. Given as a...

(Shows scene of Tom Cruise wearing a leather jackt and shades while riding a bike away from a burning bridge)

NC: (vo) ... spy, you suck at blending in...

NC:... I imagine not much.

NC: (vo) She pretends to be imprisioned, in which Sean breaks her out, and only 35 minutes in do we finally get a spy team. This is like during a 'X-Men' film, for the first half hour all we get is (shows frame of) that kid who changes channels by blinking. A goddamn power I really wish I had rigth now.

(The two new agents, Billy Baird and Luther Stickell, are leaving a helicopter and Billy greets Ethan)

Billy Baird: (John Polson) ...

NC:  (laughs) Look around. (looks confused) What?

(Luther comes towards Ethan, but then the camera focuses on his fet when he walks into goat shit. Both of them look down at that)

Luther: (Ving Rhames) Shit.

Ethan Gross it is.

NC: (as Luther) My first big introduction and you Jar-Jar Binksed me?

NC: (vo, as Ethan/Cruise) No one must look cooler than the Cruise. (NC still as Luther looks annoyed to the side after that statement)

NC: (vo) So Bubbles and Proto Simon Pegg set up while... Wait.

NC: (leans his head on his rigth hand) Shot in the dark. Slow-mo, dramatic music and things blowing in the wind?

(As predicted, Nyah is walking to Sean in slow-mo, whiledramatic music is playing and her scarf and hair are blowing in the wind)

NC: (leaning on his rigth hand again) You know, I say visual story telling is good, but you still have to tell s story with your visuals!

(Still in slow-mo, Nyah's scarf is flying away, but Sean manages to catch it)

NC: (vo) Wow. You really thougth that was a big deal, didn't you?

NC: (shaking his head and resting his hands on the table) You know, weirdly enough, mundane things are still mundane even if you run them in slow-mo. (gets sligthly aggitaed) In fact, they're even more mundane, because you have even more time to realise how mundane they are!

(Suddenly, dramatic music plays and when NC looks to the side, he sees Malcolm, Tamara and Cruise on the coast, wearing sunglasses. Tamara also wears a scarf, that is moved like it was carried by the wind while she tries to keep it in place. when the scarf gets too far on her shoulder it gets 'carried away by the wind' and Cruise 'catches' it. Seeing that makes NC leaving his desk in annoyence. He goes into the scene and gives Cruise and Tamara a punch in the back, knocking them out. Malcolm, who stays there unharmed, just shrugs at this)

NC: (vo) Our spy team watches what's going on from a satelite.

Luther: You tell him, Benny.

Benny: Yes, and we got him.

Ethan (off-screen) We don't know, what we've got. (Now onscreen) Because we don't know what he's got, where he's got it...

NC: (as Ethan) ... or if it's bigger than mine.

(we are now inside Sean's mansion with one of his henchmen and Nyah sleeping in a bed)

NC: (vo) But Moriarty here thinks that Sean shouldn't trust her.

... Why do you think she's really here? (beat with Sean breathing out)I mean, she left you six months ago.

Sean: Suggestive, but hardly conclusive. (Blows in a finger guillotine.

NC: Would you two just kiss already? You have more sexual tension than (shows frame from) Max and Nev from "Catfish". (Cut back to NC) Yes, that is possible!

(Sean takes the hand of his henchman and attempts to cut off the tip of his pinky finger)

NC: (vo) Donst worry. This won't be the first time we've ripped of "Darkman" in this.

Sean: ...

(Sean cuts of the henchman's fingertip, while he groans in pain)

NC: (throwing his arms up) And that's where I walk. If someone cuts of my fingertips I would be like: (waves his hand as farewell) "Bye, I'm gonna go join the dickholes that are hunting you down. Sure, the pillow talk was nice, but this is just abuse."

NC: (vo) Sean takes Nyah to a horse race, where she plans to met up ith Cruise.

(She looks around for Ethan, but like in Spain, he is behind her in the next shot)

Ethan: How'd you do?

NC: (as Nyah, aroused) Oh, there you are. You're like Batman, but only better.

(Ethan sees plans of the virus)

NC: (vo) He sees that the dead scientist was working on, what else, a deadly gas. You know, we are not short of gases who kill people. Why is this always who mad scientists go.

NC: (Shows a frame of a kitchen sink full with toxic cleaning products) We have a buffet of death in our own kitchen sinks. Go outside the box.