Small Soldiers

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the movie Toy Story? About a little space man doll... (picture of Buzz Lightyear)

NC (vo): ...who thought he was a real space man? Well, what if that toy was (dramatic music fades in as the camera slowly zooms in) violent, psychotic, devoid of fun and would stop at nothing until everything he deemed a threat are massacred (Buzz' eyes turn red) or totally destroyed.

NC: It'd be awesome! But instead, we got Small Soldiers.

(Clips from the trailer of Small Soldiers play.)

NC (vo): Joe Dante, director of such hits as Gremlins (Shows the poster), and... (Shows posters of Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Innerspace, Explorers, Matinee, and Looney Tunes: Back in Action)...Actually nothing else financially successful.

NC: Well, that's depressing!

NC (vo): ...returns to little creatures causing a riot throughout the town, except this time, it's with toys! This was also one of the earliest from then newcomer, DreamWorks. (Shows the logo of the studio)(Shows pictures from Antz, A Bug's Life, Shark Tale, and Finding Nemo) And seeing how they have the habit of uglifying recent Disney hits, It only made sense to give Toy Story a shot. Well by no means god-awful, if does make you wonder, how its still creative idea from a creative director could get lost in a relativity forgettable script? I mean, I remember the (clips from the Burger King commercial promoting Small Soldiers and the Rodeo Burger) Burger King ad more than I remember the movie it was based on!

(Chip Hazard is being taken away from two MP guards in the commercial.)

MP Guard: That Rodeo Burger. It was pretty tasty, huh?

Chip Hazard: You can't handle the Rodeo Burger!

NC: BTW, DELICIOUS! So, let's watch the film that couldn't live up to its fast food product, This is Small Soldiers!

(Clips from the film begin.)

NC (vo): If you want an idea of how unfocused this movie is, just take a look at how confused, even the logo appears to be.

(The two plastic characters in the logo start to move)

NC (vo): (As Archer and Chip) What?

NC (vo): (As Archer) We supposed to look threatening or something?

NC (vo): (As Chip) What are we doing?

NC (vo): (As Archer and Chip) Aaah!

(The logo shuts off like a TV)

NC (vo): We open up with a business called GloboTech, who spends most of its time making the same commentary Robocop made, except for the Happy Meal demographic.

Female Announcer: Introducing advanced battlefield technology into consumer products for the whole family!

NC (vo): So while military weapon maker, acted by Dennis Leary, is playing entrepreneur owning a variety of companies. Which of course naturally includes a toy making industry! Oh, don't look so shocked, I remember when Donald Trump tried to take over Mattel.

(Cut to a Trump-owned Barbie doll)

NC (vo): Pull the string! She talks!

(Sound of string being pulled in a toy)

Trump Barbie: (in the most deadpan Donald Trump impression imaginable) You're fabulous.

NC (vo): But toy creators, played by David Cross and Jay Mohr, aren't meeting the new president's big plans.

Gil Mars: Can they really do that?

Larry Benson: Do what?

Gil: The thing where he punches his way out of the box?

Larry: No.

Gil: You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that shows 4X4 Trucks popping up in the top of Mount Rushmore, and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. Okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials--

NC (vo): Okay, is there just a way we can combine all the Dennis Leary rants into one, so we can save on time?

Gil: I'm sick of commercials that shows 4X4 Trucks popping up in the top of Mount Rushmore.

(Cuts to a clip from Judgement Night)

Fallon: Jerks like you sail through life, reading about people like me in the newspaper. Guys like you check to see if they got a dick.

(Cuts to a clip from Demolition Man)

Edgar Friendly: I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body--

(Cuts to a clip from Rescue Me)

Tommy Gavin: I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp. I hate that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head by the way?

NC: Great! We can just put him under "Actors replaced by gimmick, so we don't have to pay them anymore" pile! Look! He's right with Seth McFarlane!

Peter Griffin (Family Guy) (vo): You think  that's  bad...

NC (vo): So the president wants the toys to be alive, active, and violent. Which I imagine would be doable for a guy dressed like Spike Spiegel. (Shows picture of Spike Spiegel)

Ms. Kegel: Mr. Mars expects the product to be ready for shipment in three months.

NC (vo): That's right. You only have three months to create life. Come on! It only took two days to make (Shows picture of) GigaPets. And even faster to wish they were dead!

NC: Come on, we all killed ours at some point.

(Cuts to the Critic shooting at an off screen GigaPet near his garage.)

Ms. Kegel: These are your security cards, and these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment to memorize them now.

Irwin Wayfair: Mine's "Gizmo".

NC (vo): Mine's "In-joke". So, as the credits roll, we can't help but automatically look over our Joe Dante checklist. (Checkboxes with words start appearing onscreen, and each one is checked off.) Rustic old town that looks like the 50s? Check. Whimsical Jerry Goldsmith score? Check. Dick Miller as a blue collar worker still unable to squint his eyes open? Check.

NC: Don't worry, kids. There's plenty more on the way. (A "yay" sound effect plays.)