Reefer Madness

''We begin with a low-angle shot in black-and-white of NC rising up into camera view, addressing a crowd of some kind. First he looks right at us; then he looks out as his audience, swaying back and forth.''

Nostalgia Critic (NC): Hello, everybody. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to. I have called this meeting here today to tell you about this frightful assassin of our youth. [cut to a shot of the audience in the film looking on - this is reversed/forwarded to last longer] This assassin poisons the mind through propaganda and false accusations about a certain drug that one Simon D. Chipmunk once quoted as “marihuana.” [back to NC] This [babbles the P for a bit] propaganda is a film that was made in the ‘30s and is so fabricated that I swear even the actors themselves are puppets. It is a film that can affect [starts pointing out as he speaks] your children. Or YOURS. Or YOURS! [back to the camera] Or YOURS. [back to the crowd shot] Will you STOP TALKING WHILE I’M TALKING?!?! Jesus, the attention span of JELLYBEANS! [back to NC from before, but he looks at the camera] This [babbles again] propaganda is a film simply known as… [leans forward as we digitally zoom in] Reefer Madness.

We see the title, hear the theme music… and a montage of clips follows.

NC (v/o): Yes, folks, it’s time to take a look at a cult classic: Reefer Madness, an anti-drug film that’s SO anti-drugs that’d you’d swear they were just making which stuff up… which, of course, they are. The film so misses the mark about the side effects of marijuana that even Afterschool Specials are pointing and laughing at them. It’s a film everybody loves to mock, and we’re gonna look at it today.

NC: [from now on, he’s in color] So let’s not miss out on the high life. Let’s dive right into Reefer Madness.

As the theme resumes, we cut to the opening caption: “The incidents and characters portrayed in this motion picture are purely fictional, and any similarity to actual occurrences and living or deceased persons is coincidental.”

NC (v/o): So after it starts out by saying the story is fictional - yeah, cuz we really needed that warning - [we dissolve to the Foreword] the film gives us a brief foreword about the tale we‘re about to see. [the Foreword reads: ‘The motion picture you are about to witness may startle you.‘ It starts to scroll - sped up by Doug because it was done slowly in the film] No, not startle! ''[the Foreword continues: ‘It would not have been possible, otherwise, to sufficiently emphasize the frightful toll of the new drug menace which is destroying the youth of America in alarmingly-increasing numbers. Marihuana is that drug…‘ NC scoffs when he notices “Marihuana“ is written in elegant font as opposed to all the other words]'' Wow, for a drug so menacing, they do sure give it a nice font.

NC: I wish a narrator was reading this. When he got to that part, he’d probably say it [twinkles his fingers above him] all fancy.

NC (v/o): [as a fake ‘30s narrator] “…will not have failed in its purpose. Because the drug… [he switches to a nicer, almost sexier tone, as we hear a bell chime glissando and extreme close-up on the word:] MARIJUANA… [back to before] may be reaching forth next for your son or daughter…” [that’s at the end of the Foreword; we continue right about where we left off prior as it reads: ‘Its first effect is sudden violent, uncontrollable laughter...' NC, in normal voice sounds like he‘s getting bored] Ah, let’s see… laughing… [‘then come dangerous hallucinations...'] hallucinations… [as we continue scrolling, NC just mumbles] God, I want a joint. [he still mumbles as we reach this part: ‘leading finally to acts of shocking violence… ending often in incurable insanity.“] Yikes. I though most people just ate Cheetos and watched Spongebob. [the Foreword continues; NC, exasperated, exhales] Why don’t you just read us the damn movie?! Hell, the phone book is sounding more entertaining than this. [we then gets to this section: ‘If their stark reality will make you think {in fancy font}, will make you aware that something must be done {in fancy font} to wipe out this ghastly menace…‘] Huh, let’s see: “if we wipe out this ghastly menace, then the picture will not have failed in its purpose.”

NC: [rubbing his temple and looking bored] If its purpose was to bore the living shit out of us, I agree.

NC (v/o): We then watch a bunch of newspapers as they display the horrors of the EVIL drug. [each newspaper dissolves and zooms in from one to the next] “Police Wage War on Narcotic [Ring!],” ‘Dope Peddlers Caught in High School,” “Federal A-” [the film does a weird cutaway into a different headline] o-oh-oh, okay, “Police Raid Marihuana Flat”! ''[then it goes into the one they cutaway from: “Federals Aid Police in Drug War. We then cut to a meeting presumably as a school where our narrator addresses an audience of citizens]'' This leads us to the whitest of gatherings at the school Parents’ Association. Dr. Alfred Buzzkill here tells us just how high his school has actually gotten.

Dr. Carroll: It exists in almost every city and hamlet in the country. [here he’s practically talking right to us] It might be interesting and important for you to know some of the methods used in bringing these drugs into the country.

NC: [leading back in his chair, he suddenly takes an interest into the doctor and quickly grabs a pencil and notepad] Uh, sure. Go ahead.

Dr. Carroll: [as he speaks, we see faux newsreel footage of presumed law enforcement showing off how drugs can be concealed] They are hidden in fake jewelry cases, in the heels of shoes - women’s shoes especially because the drugs can be secreted in false heels…

NC: [writing frantically] A woman’s shoe! That’s a GREAT idea!

Dr. Carroll: [more of the same] Hollowed shaving brushes are another medium. Books with false centers are often used. Watch cases are convenient hiding places… [this last bit falls beneath what NC says below]

NC: [holds up his hands to try and stop the doctor as he continues writing] Slow down, slow down! This is all gold!

Dr. Carroll: [again, more of the same] Recently, a huge supply of heroin was taken. It was concealed in an apparently harmless shipment of 35 barrels of olive oil.

NC: [as Dr. Carroll] Now, I’m gonna show you how to make a pipe bomb [wags his finger at us] JUST so you never figure out how to do it!

Dr. Carroll: [we see blocks of drugs being shoveled into an incinerator] And more deadly, even than these soul-destroying drugs, is the menace of marijuana!

NC (v/o): Well, that’s just common knowledge. [we dissolve back to the doctor]

Dr. Carroll: No doubt many of you do not believe that these things do happen, that they cannot happen to you. You may also believe that the facts have been exaggerated.

NC: [in a sarcastic voice] By you? Never!

Dr. Carroll: Let me tell you of something that happened right here in our own city

NC (v/o): So, as you imagine, he goes into the backstory of what caused this thrilling meeting to happen in the first place. [the film dissolves to a room in an apartment where gangster Jack enters] Apparently, there were these [in a James Cagney accent] gangsters, see, [normal tone] who spend most of their time [brief cut to “teens” in a convertible being approached by some adults - this scene comes up again later] selling marijuana to teenagers and providing them a place to smoke it. [back to the apartment as Jack enters the bedroom] The woman who runs the apartment is named Mae, who’s going out with one of the gangsters.

Mae: Oh, Jack, we can get along without dragging those young kids up here.

Jack: Oh, why don’t you button up your lip? [we then hold on a shot of Mae putting on her pantyhose for about ten seconds]

NC (v/o): Uh, was the good doctor while telling the story going into great detail about May putting on her pantyhose? [cut to Jack getting something from the pantry] Cuz I’d be pretty freaked out if he was! [the pantyhose scene replays]

NC (v/o): [as Dr. Carroll] Then she slipped on the other pantyhose. Slowly and elegantly, she touched her leg, reminding herself of the days when she was a bad, bad girl. Oh yes, she liked those days a lot, didn’t she? [Jack re-enters the bedroom as we see Mae finishing getting dressed] We then get a quick shot of her bra strap and-

Fake Female Audience Member: Dr. Alfred!

NC (v/o): [as Dr. Carroll] Okay, okay.

Jack: A couple of your customers, Mae.

Mae: Yeah? They’re old enough to know what they’re doing, not like those young kids you bring up here.

Jack: All right, all right. Listen, I’m gonna blow.

NC: [lifts his finger, about to say something… but he changes his mind and waves it off] Too easy.

NC (v/o): So he goes to where all the hip cats are hanging and tries to see if he can sell them the EVIL weed.

Unknown Male: Oh, by the way, Ralph, I’m sort of giving a little party Saturday afternoon over at my grandmother’s.

NC (v/o): Nothing but party animals in this town. [here’s that scene from before:]

Ralph: Hello, Mary! Hiya, Bill.

Bill: [on the sidewalk] How are ya, Ralph?

Mary: [in the driver’s seat] Oh, hello, Ralph! You know our brother Jimmy, don’t you? [he’s in the back]

Ralph: How are you?

Jimmy: Swell.

NC (v/o): Swell. Imagine! Somebody swell in the ‘30s!

NC: In fact, everybody seems to be swell in this movie! Just take a look!

We see a quick montage of various people saying, “Swell.”

NC: (v/o) What the heck!

NC: Let’s just have a Swell-a-meter [he points to…] at the bottom of the screen to keep track of how swell things are! ''[sure enough, we have a Swell-a-Meter with Bill’s head as the indicator. From left to right, it goes from yellow to red with these levels: Swell, Kinda Swell, Borderline Not Swell, Dangerously Not Swell, and Gosh Darnit! Even Mom Wouldn’t Find This Swell!]''

NC (v/o): So they convince one of the kids to come with them to a place called Joe’s, where they hope to get ‘em addicted to the stuff. ''[Jimmy has climbed out of the car and joins Ralph and Jack as they walk to Joe’s. As they walk, the camera pans down to focus on their butts. NC wonders aloud:] What the hell… [and we dissolve to the close-up of some other guy’s butt as he’s dancing; we eventually pull out and see that we’re inside the club]'' Ah! You know, they really don’t use that many but transitions anymore, do they? It’s a dying art.

NC (v/o): [as we close-up on the piano player, NC acts like Jimmy Durante] Goodnight, Mary Jane, wherever you are! Hot-cha-cha-cha-cha!

''At this point, Jimmy and the others enter the club. Jimmy’s immediately swamped by another female teen, Agnes (?), who says, “Jimmy!” She says “Hello” back to her as he notices how awesome the piano player. They then exchange three indistinguishable lines of dialogue - I’m certain there’s a lot of slang involved. This leads NC to ponder:''

NC: The hell did they just say?

Jimmy: You wanna dance?

Agnes: Do I?! [and they do as we cut back to the dance floor and eventually see the piano player again, whom NC notices]

NC (v/o): I love this guy! He looks like the missing Dick Tracy character Pot Top. [cut to Piano Man taking a break] So after we see him smoke a joint in the closet - not really sure why we’re seeing this [he looks a bit manic, too, as we cut to our next locale] - we see two kids named Bill and Mary Lane sit down at her mother’s.

Bill: You know, after that session we had yesterday, I went home and told Mother that the trouble with her pot roast gravy was she hadn’t added three heaping teaspoonfuls of olive oil! [they both chuckle]

NC (v/o): Boy, these two need some pot and fast.

Bill: [as Mary’s mother comes out to bring some beverages] She just threw me out of the kitchen.

Mary: Why, no wonder.

Mrs. Lane: Hello, children.

Mary: Hello, Mother.

Bill: Hello, Mrs. Lane. Gosh, hot chocolate!

NC: [exaggeratedly imitating Bill, exposing all his teeth] Gosh, hot chocolate!

Mrs. Lane: Now then, enjoy yourselves.

Mary: He will.

Bill: She will too, Mrs. Lane. [at this point, the two start to act “regal”] May I?

Mary: Oh, thank you, kind sir! You’re so very, very kind! [they chuckle again]

NC (v/o): Holy smokes, the Swell-a-meter is just bursting with swellness! [the Swell-a-Meter has returned with Bill’s head frantically pushing the left edge - the Swell side] Any more, and this place is gonna make Pleasantville look like the fucking ghetto! [the meter disappears as we cut to later in the scene]

Bill: Like softest music to a tending ear.

Mary: Romeo!

Bill: My dear.

Mary: [as her mother looks on from the doorway] What o’clock tomorrow shall I send to thee?

Bill: By the hour of nine.

Mary: I will not fail.

NC (v/o): [as Mrs. Lane] Oh, take her bra off! ''[Mrs. Lane then walks outside and catches Bill off-guard]''

Bill: Well, ah… I’ll see you tonight, Mary. [Bill walks backwards but doesn’t notice the outside fountain; he bumps into it and falls over backwards inside, getting wet] Oh! ''[as the ladies tend to him, we wear the trombone ‘wah-wah-wah-WAAAHing’ again and cut to NC comically shrugging his shoulders. As the trombone fades, he quizzically asks:]''

NC: Who has a grotto?

NC (v/o): So the next day, Billy meets up with Jimmy as they compare whose day was more swell.

Jimmy: Can I take ya anyplace?

Bill: I wasn’t going anyplace in particular.

Jimmy: Well then, how about driving me over to the… Joe’s Place with me? I’ll buy you a soda.

Bill: I never drink that stuff.

NC (v/o): Really? Soda’s too strong for ya, kid? You know, how about air? Can you breathe air? Or are you afraid there’s a chance a water particle might slip in? Cuz, ya know, water’s pretty heavy too!

Bill: [as he and Jimmy sit down in a booth where Ralph and a female friend, Blanche, already are] Hello, Blanche. Hello, Ralph.

Ralph: How are ya?

Jimmy: Hello, Blanche. How have you been, Ralph?

Ralph: Hello.

Jimmy: [to the waitress who’s just approached] Two sodas. No, I mean, one soda and one root beer. [chuckles

NC: They’re BOTH SODAS!

NC (v/o): Good God, if this is the sober life, I’d hate to see what these morons are like if they DO take something!

''We close-up on Bill and Blanche. Bill is being pressed to go to the apartment but looks uncomfortable. The others egg him on.''

Jimmy: [off-screen] Why, sure all of the kids will be there. It’s keen.

Bill: Well, I don’t know. I really should- …well…

Blanche: C’mon.

Bill: [looking at Blanche, he gives in and smiles] Okay. [close-up on the Piano Man, looking on and smiling]

NC (v/o): [as Piano Man with the voice of Kosmo Kramer] I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m LOVIN’ every minute of it! [back to the apartment where the party continues]

NC (v/o): So Jimmy and Billy get convinced to go back to the apartment and puff the magic dragon again.

''Blanche gives Bill a joint to smoke while continuing to smoke hers. He looks reluctant to light up his. He looks over to see Agnes wildly puffing away as a lot of smoke clouds billow. We then get a TV static transtion to…''

Raoul Puke: Wait a minute! Hold it! Stop the movie!

NC: Raoul Puke?

Puke: Something must be brought to the attention of this travesty.

NC: Let me guess: you have something to say.

Puke: When do I not have something to say?

NC: All right. Well, whaddaya gotta talk about?

Puke: It may come to an astonishing revelation to all of you that I, in fact, have done drugs in the past.

NC: [deadpan] No.

Puke: Oh, yes. You may be shocked to find that I was not always a straight arrow.

NC: [getting cheesed off] Your arrow’s as straight as a hedge maze.

Puke: But needless to say, I must point out this is NOT how high people act. You will notice the constant movement emulating from their feet. [we cut to the earlier scene of the teens dancing in the apartment]

Puke (v/o): Notice the incredible amount of energy that they have in their step. This is not a common occurrence. The typical stoner looks more like this: [we cut to some photo of a random overweight gentleman sitting on his couch, looking stoned - sorry, whoever you are] quiet, immovable, and astonished that he has two hands.

Puke: You will also notice the absurd amount of smoke that [cut back to Agnes smoking] these kids are taking in; and yet not once do they ever let out a smoker’s cough. Even people that work in a tobacco factory let off a cough every once in a while. These teens are smoking Kool-Aid. [back to Puke on camera] And why not? They get drunk off of soda, apparently.

NC: Well, thank you. That was very informative. Are ya done?

Puke: Oh, I’ll never be done; but I will stop for now.

NC: Okay, so after they get-

Puke: You got O.J. Simpson off the hook, and you caused 9/11!

NC: OK. So after the [cut back to Bill, who finally lights up his joint] teens get higher than Zeus, one of the gangsters lets out this really crazy laugh. [we see Ralph heartily laughing for no real reason]

NC (v/o): Now, THAT’S a side effect I believe: laughing at a totally unfunny moment. But if that was the case, everybody in this movie would be friggin’ high. So one of the gangsters [Jack] approaches the crime boss and lets him know how business is going.

The Boss: [on the phone] That’s ten gross to Jack Perry. Who? Pete Daley? All right, send him in.

NC: P. Diddy? I thought he’d move on to the harder stuff by now.

Pete Daley: [to The Boss] I’m just dope enough to draw the line selling huff to kids.

The Boss: All right, Pete. You know what my policy has always been.

NC (v/o): By the way, am I the only one who thinks their crime lord looks like Dr. Cox from Scrubs?

Daley: I only wish you had a couple of kids.

The Boss: The boys are not satisfied, I’m always glad to have them retire.

NC: [as Dr. Cox] I’ll tell you what, Barbie. If you can get the kids to just give us their money, I won’t have an emotional scene to show I’m not such a tough guy. ''[he smiles and then strikes a dramatic pose, bringing his head down as sad stock music starts to play. He then looks up purposefully to the side]'' Brendan Fraser was dead all along.

NC (v/o): So Billy or Jimmy or… one of the boys ending in “ee” [Jimmy] drives the car too fast - of course because of the marijuana - and runs an old man over. [in a succession of cuts, we see the old-school traffic light change and an old man take one step out into the street; then we see the car speed away as the man practically falls down flat where he is - he’s not thrown back by the force of the car - and people tend to his aid] Oh, COME ON, he DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH HIM! What, does he just throw himself in front of cars just to collect the insurance? [the scene replays]

NC (v/o): [as Old Man] Help! I have no scars, no broken bones, and not a scratch on me; but I’ll sue that bastard for all he’s GOT!

We then cut to inside the Federal Offices Bureau of Investigation [thank you, sign on the door] and dissolve to see Dr. Carroll talking to an investigator, Mr. Wyatt.

Dr. Carroll: There is no doubt…

NC (v/o): Oh, wait a minute! Now the doctor’s putting himself in this story? Come on, man, you’re just an ego boner!

Mr. Wyatt: But do you realize that marijuana is not like other forms of dope? And frankly, the only sure cure is a widespread campaign in education.

Dr. Carroll: Oh, it’s alright to talk about education, Mr. Wyatt. But we educators can’t do anything until the public is sufficiently aroused.

NC: [as Mr. Wyatt] I got some Playboys in the back. We can call it “pot porn!”

NC (v/o): So they talk about the drug some more and, of course, the terrible consequences it has on humanity. ''[Mr. Wyatt gives the doctor a case file on one poor, poor soul]''

Mr. Wyatt: Here is a most tragic case.

Dr. Carroll: Yes, I remember. Just a young boy. Under the influence of the drug, he killed his entire family with an ax.

NC (v/o): Jesus, killed his family with an ax? Come on! Marijuana is like the Woody Allen of drugs: pointless, ineffectual, and maybe annoying if overexposed to it.

Dr. Carroll: I’d like to take these records, if I may. I feel they would be of invaluable assistance to me in combating the evil in my school.

Mr. Wyatt: You’re very welcome, Dr. Carroll.

Dr. Carroll: Thank you. ''[we fade to black. Then we fade up inside the doctor’s office in his school, where he’s about to grill Bill]'' Sit down, Bill.

NC (v/o): Oh God, are we still with this guy? Come on! The crowd’s he talking to must be bored out of their minds!

NC: [as Dr. Carroll] So I talked to the man and didn’t learn very much. Then I talked to the boy and didn’t learn very much. [at this point, we hear Doug overdubbing a few people snoring loudly, including one who does the Curly Stooge snore] Then I went home and made myself a cake. [looks up fantasizing about the cake] Oh, it was a lovely cake with lots of frosting and a little cherry on top. [strokes his goatee thinking about Mae and her hose] Then I started to fantasize about a woman putting on her pantyhose. Oh yes, the soft, elegant legs that she had were so- ''[he suddenly notices no one paying attention to him. So he grabs a saucepan/pot from the table and bangs the side with a wooden spoon to wake up his audience, which they do. He sets the pot and spoon back down]'' Wish I didn’t have to bring that to every meeting.

Dr. Carroll: You were always a fine student. You always had excellent grades. If you were being honest with me and honest with yourself, I’m afraid you’d tell me an entirely different story. [NC growls like someone, but I can’t figure out what - that’s because it looks like the doctor’s about to growl himself]

Bill: I’m worried about something at home.

NC (v/o): So the doctor tries to see if there’s something wrong with the kid but doesn’t seem to get anything out of him. Well, that was boring. Let’s get high again!

Blanche grabs Bill into a room in the Joint Joint (the apartment) and encourages him to, perhaps, have sex with her.

Blanche: C’mon, Bill! Come on! Come on. ''[we close-up on Bill, who looks a little too weirdly excited to be here. He’s guffawing and laughing for no reason]''

NC (v/o): What the hell is up with his face?

Blanche: Come on. Come on!

NC then imitiates Bill’s expression for a few seconds - adding one emphatic extra guffaw.

NC (v/o): Mary Lane then finds the place and tries looking for Billy. The gangster [Ralph] convinces her to take a few puffs; and, before ya know it, she’s seeing colors in a black-and-white movie! ''[after lighting up and breathing in, Mary giggles a few times and then throws down her used joint to the ground. Doug adds in a huge swath of flames in post - and in color]''

NC (v/o): But the gangster tries to take advantage of Mary Lane as Billy walks in and misinterprets what he sees. ''[at this point, Bill sees Ralph vigorously kissing Mary - almost molesting her - but he’s so stoned he just stands there. At this point, we dissolve to Bill trying to process what’s happening. His face periodically goes in and out of focus; and we see shots of Ralph & Mary on the couch overlaid. We also heard Mary’s voice distorted - sometimes with regular echo, other times with reverse echo]''

Mary: Bill’s got a girl. What o’clock tomorrow should I send to thee? Bill’s got a girl. It’s sweet of you to help me, Bill.

At this point, we hear in succession the following popular voices over this footage.

Chris Crocker [the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” guy]: And how fucking dare anyone out there make fun of Britney?

President Bill Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD! This is the GREATEST movie I’ve ever seen in my life!

Antoine Jamison [the “Bed Intruder“ guy]: Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, and hide yo’ husband cuz they rapin’ e’rybody out here!

''By this point, Bill is getting angry and is about to kick some ass. He drags Ralph off the couch and starts to wrestle with him.''

NC (v/o): This, of course, causes him to go on a rampage and… fight pretty well for a guy stoned off his ass. But then, somebody whips out a gun. ''[that someone is Jack, who rushes out from the other room to try and stop Bill, who’s already knocked out Ralph. Jack and Bill struggle, while Mae looks on. Eventually, Bill gets Jack kneeling on the ground. However, Jack inadvertently fires the gun - which hits Mary in the back; but the gunshot wound is a pretty small one]''

NC: Oh no, the gunshot popped her zit!

Jack: She’s dead.

NC: How? By shooting the mosquito on her back?

NC (v/o): So, in typical gangster fashion, see, [Jack wipes the gun clean and plants it in Bill’s hand - oh, Bill apparently was still stoned enough that he was sleeping on the ground after fighting Jack] they give the kid the gun and, in his stoned state, convince him that he shot her. [Jack helps him up as Bill comes to]

Bill: What happened?

Jack: You killed her.

NC (v/o): [as Jack] That’s right. You killed Mary Lane while on the Mary Jane. ''[Bill then bends over and cries onto the table where he’s sitting. As Jack and Mae back slowly away, he starts formulating a plan]''

Jack: [to Mae] Look. After I scram, you call the cops. And this is your story.

NC (v/o): [as Bill] Uh, I can still hear you!

Jack: The kid came up here for a couple of beers.

NC (v/o): [as Bill] What?

Jack: You were out in the kitchen; you heard- heard the shot. When you got in here, that’s what you found. Just stick to that story.

NC (v/o): [as Bill] Well, why wouldn’t she? Isn’t that what happened? I- Oh, I’m so high I don’t care. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!'' [during all this, Bill cries and tries to console Mary. We cut to a courtroom]''

NC (v/o): So they have a trial for Billy and- [we notice Dr. Carroll on the witness stand; NC reacts] Oh my God, how many times do you PUT yourself in your own story? You’re the Orson Welles/Kenneth Branagh of douchey drug films!

Bill’s Lawyer: Six months ago, what would have been your opinion regarding the character of my client?

Dr. Carroll: He was a fine, upstanding American boy. A good scholar, a good athlete. [cut to his presumed parents as they look on]

NC: [as Slugworth from the Chocolate Factory book and movie] Slugworth’s Chocolates could’ve used him to make an Everlasting Potstopper.

NC (v/o): So, in the jury room, twelve angry idiots sit around and try to make their vote.

Juror: But he might have been insane when he did it.

Foreman: No, he wasn’t. He knew what he was doing.

Juror: But supposing he WAS insane.

Foreman: You can never make me believe it or anybody else! We’ll, uh, take a first vote.

NC (v/o): Boy, nice impartial verdict. [as the Juror in a wimpy voice] I have an opinion! [as the Foreman, who yells:] NO YA DON’T!

Foreman: [reading the results] Eleven for conviction, one for acquittal. [the one juror who dissented tries to look away]

NC: [as Foreman] I’m looking at you, baldy!

Juror: But there’s a reasonable doubt about the boy’s sanity.

Foreman: He admitted it himself! That wasn’t the first time he was there. ''[at this point, he notices the long string from the clock in the room swinging back and forth. He suddenly then sees an overlaid noose swinging back and forth too]''

NC (v/o): [as Foreman] What the hell… [the vision fades] Eh, I shouldn’t have smoked all that pot.

Foreman: [walks up to the Juror] We gotta make an example before boys like that contaminate all of our children. [we cut to two of the females on the jury who nod to each other and then proceed to write “guilty”… again] We can’t have every murderer hide behind the gag that he’s insane. Sure they see red before they kill somebody, but whose fault is it?

NC: [as the angry jury; he‘s also double-tracked] '''CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!'''

NC (v/o): So Billy gets the verdict of “guilty”, but one gangster can’t help but feel guilty himself. But hey, a little pot’ll solve that problem.

''We cut to Mae and Ralph sitting at the piano, both lighting up like crazy. Mae is playing; Ralph is watching.''

Ralph: Faster! [Mae does] Faster! [Mae does again as he slowly sits back on the couch] Play it faster! [the footage is sped up a bit to think that Mae is going faster; but every time he speaks, Ralph is at normal speed] Faster. [the audio gets faster] Play it faster. [and faster still] Faster. [and even faster] Faster. ''[and still even faster until he heard an explosion and the screen turns white. We cut to…]''

Doc Brown: Great Scott! She traveled back in time! 1.21 JIGGAWATTS!!

NC (v/o): Just then, another gangster [Jack] comes in to see him in his drug-induced state.

Ralph: [in a state] I know what you want: …You wanna kill ME!

Jack: You’re crazy!

NC: [chuckles] Word of advice: you never wanna call a crazy guy “crazy”… y’know, cuz they’re FUCKING CRAZY!!

NC (v/o): So the gangster goes nuts and attacks him with a flyswatter [and Mae apparently laughs as it happens] while one of the other people in the building calls the police.

Woman: [talking very fast on the phone] Hurry, hurry! There’s a terrible fight going on! Yes, yes! Apartment 32! [she hangs up even before she finishes speaking, as we wipe to May trying to calm Ralph down]

NC (v/o): [stammers] Wait a minute! How could anybody get a word in during that? What, was she talking to herself? [as the police on the phone; the scene replays] Hello?

Woman: Hurry, hurry! There’s a terrible fight going on!

NC (v/o): [as police] What?

Woman: Yes, yes!

NC (v/o): [as police] You didn’t say anyth-

Woman: Apartment 32!

NC (v/o): [as police] The hell- [we cut to a massive police squadron who‘ve answered the call to duty and leave their precinct]

NC (v/o): So Elliot Ness and his Untouchables are sent down to arrest the people involved [a shot of the Crime Boss getting collared]; and eventually, the drug bust is closed. [shot of a courtroom where Mae is pleading her case] They even get the woman to confess all the crimes they’ve committed, including the framing of Billy for murder.

Mae: [starting to hysterically cry] Bill didn’t know he hadn’t killed Mary. He was so doped up, they made him think he had! Ralph wanted to tell ya, too! Oh, if I’d only let him! [at this point, we cut to NC crying a bit and then fake playing a violin - sad violin music is overdubbed as Mae continues] But this is the truth, officer! I’m telling you the truth! [she said something there, but it’s almost blabbered; cut back to Mae] I’m just as much to blame! I am. I am. [Mae finally breaks down; cut to NC still “playing”]

NC (v/o): Officer Dick Cheney believes her story and sets out to put things right. But, after she makes the confession, she finds that life just ain’t worth living anymore. And, by God, it does look like nice jumping weather, doesn’t it? ''[Mae finds an open window at the end of the hallway as she leaves and then quickly runs toward it. She apparently takes out the whole window pane as she jumps to her death and another woman in the building looks on in horror; we eventually see her body lying on the ground and fade to black]''

NC (v/o): Okay, how does she break that window? That hole was huge! It’s not like TV, guys. Those things don’t crack that easily. ''[we cut to a shot of NC’s basement - more like the shot of the windows there - and hear NC screaming for a few seconds. We then see NC - sped up - running into the window, retracting, spinning around, and falling down]''

NC (v/o): So Billy is let off the hook, and the gangster [Ralph] is sent to jail… still stoned off his ass, apparently. [some close-ups of Ralph’s eyes show that he indeed is still under the influence] I guess the guard was nice enough to let him smoke a few before he went into court.

Prosecuting Attorney: It is recommended, Your Honor, that the defendant be placed in an institution for the criminally insane for the rest of his natural life.

Judge: I see no reason why the request should not be granted.

We dissolve from the courtroom back to Dr. Carroll at the meeting.

NC (v/o): This of course ends our story as our doctor friend tells us the final message that we’re supposed to take home from all this.

Dr. Carroll: [as the camera zooms in on him] Because it is only through knowledge that we can safely protect them. Failing this, the next tragedy may be that of your daughter. Or your son. [points off to his left] Or YOURS. [to his right] Or YOURS. [to the camera] Or YOURS. [we see “Tell your children” superimposed as the end theme plays, followed by “The End” as the film fades]

NC (v/o): [as old-timey announcer] Tell your children the truth about marijuana! It’s less dangerous than alcohol but is still somehow illegal. It’s never harmed a soul in history except for the people we just made up. We give it to the sick and elderly, but that’s only because they’re going to die anyway. OR YOURS! [TV static transition]

Puke: Wait a minute! I got one last thing that I wanna say!

NC: [exasperated sigh] What is it, Puke?

Puke: Have you ever considered the possibility of who’s actually stoned in this movie?

NC: Whaddaya mean?

Puke: Well, think about it: you have a [cut to the audience in the meeting, then to Dr. Carroll addressing them] group of people who are clearly over-paranoid. They do nothing but sit in a room and stare at one person for hours. [back to Puke] Then they tell over-exaggerated stories that, in fact, never happened.

NC: Ohhhh, so what you’re saying is…

Puke: These hypocrites are STONED off their asses! The only reason they’re watching him is [cut back to the doc] because they believe his head is [superimposed on top of his head is…] a giant malted milk ball! [back to Puke] And the only reason he’s with them is because he’s paranoid of what’ll happen if he stops talking!

NC: OK, Puke, you’ve made your point.

Puke: Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! Because we already know what’s really in there!

NC: Alright, Puke, settle down.

Puke: Cochise! Cochise!

NC: Why’d you say that?

Puke: I dunno. I’m stoned.

NC: Alright, well, despite this being painfully false and, of course, hokey as hell, …this is a fine little bit of propaganda!

Theme plays again, along with a montage of clips.

NC (v/o): There’s a reason this became a cult classic. It’s so misinformed about what it‘s trying to inform you about that the hilarity speaks for itself. And while nobody should think that drugs are one of the greatest things in the world, it’s so fun to see just how extreme some people will go to convince us that even the most harmless of drugs ARE the worst things in the world. It’s a lot of fun; and you can see it almost everywhere, even on DVD.

NC: So, if you get a chance, check it out. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-

Bum: Wait! I have something important to say!

NC: What? What the hell could you have to say?

Bum: [sniffs] I just wanted to say that this film really affected me. [sniffs again] And, as of today, I am going to quit marijuana cold turkey!

NC: Really?

Bum: Yes. I never knew what a horrible effect it was having on me all these years!

NC: Wow. [taken aback] Okay, well, I …guess some good can come out of this movie, even if it is incredibly misleading.

Bum: That’s right. It’s just good old-fashioned [he holds up a Ziploc bag of flour that is meant to be…] CRACK FOR MEEE!!

NC: Okay. I knew there was a catch. [cut to Chester, who brings the bag up to his nose and aggressively snorts to get high] That’s lovely. Okay, [cut back to NC] I remember it, so you don’t have to. [gets up and leaves]

Bum (v/o): Why is your head a malted milk ball?

NC: [off-screen] Shut up.

Credits roll.

Tagline - Bill: Gosh, hot chocolate!

THE END