Bad Idea Bonanza

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Given all the hundreds of stories that cross my desk, I struggle to maintain anything resembling my faith in humanity, and as I go about this business of keeping my sanity intact --shut up-- I look to try to find something approaching logic in all this bass ackwards nonsense. I usually fail. But in my search for sense and sensibility, I've stumbled upon some recurring patterns that pop up time and again. One of these is the subject of our show this week: the bad idea. Not just the idea itself, but the way that an otherwise rational being can assess the situation, consider the facts, and yet somehow decide the best course of action is to fuck a blender. Not following me? (imitating Michael Buffer) Well, let's get ready to elaboraaaate!

(We get to our cartoon this episode, "The History Of The Bad Idea")

(Stick Boy and Crazy Stick Boy are at a cliff and looking at another)

Nash (vo): In every life, we face adversity. Now most of us will approach a problem carefully, methodically, and work within our means and ability to overcome the issue. (Stick Boy has a word bubble showing a suspension bridge) But there's a few of us out there who believe themselves to be, (a picture of William Shakespeare appears) in the words of the bard, "special fucking snowflakes." (a word bubble pops up saying "Ye verily, bitches.") These people approach a problem with no concept of limits, such as, (CSB now has a jetpack) "the human body is not aerodynamically sound." (CSB takes off on his jetpack, only to end up plummeting face down off the cliff) This is the heart and soul of the bad idea. You've got some silly bastard who thinks rules don't apply to them. Rules like physics, (a man tries to push the garage button for a moving car and gets in front, getting hit) and gravity, (a girl in her bra and panties rolls off of a table, tipping the table over as well) and mortality. (a gravestone is shown of a man named William H. Hahn Jr. 1905-1980. His epitaph is "I told you I was sick.") Now I'm not saying every outlandish idea is bad, after all, that's how we got to the moon. But when you stare in the face of the facts and still decide to (a picture of Germans invading Russia in WW2) invade Russia in the dead of winter, (a picture of a DeLorean at the DeLorean Motor Company) or try to fund your car company with cocaine, (pictures of Enter The Matrix, Iron Man, and E.T. are shown) or make a video game based on a movie, you really need to assess your own competence. (Stick Boy is standing over a pier while a shark is swimming in the water) The best that can be said of this mentality is that it can cause all manner of chaos in our day to day lives, (Crazy Stick Boy jumps in naked into the shark, the shark now CENSORED) and result in grievous bodily harm, (Stick Boy takes out a camera to film the stupidity) fuck me if it's not at least entertaining to watch.

Nash: Well, now that we've laid it all out there, it's time to start the news or as we like to call it around here, "a waste of thumbs." First story is from sweet home Chicago where a man had a simple desire: to live in an apartment without a squirrel infestation, and thanks to his bright idea, he got his wish. He doesn't live anywhere now.

(The report is titled "Tenant starts fire smoking out squirrels")

Nash (vo): The unnamed tenant was sick of the rodents run rampant, so he took it upon himself to deal with the matter. His methods were simple: guts, grit, and a highly flammable smoke bomb, which promptly set the place on fire.

(A clip of a burning house is shown)

Nash: (vo, as the guy in the story): Ha ha, fuck you squirrels! I win! I am a winner! And...as soon as I get a skin graft, I am so flipping you off!

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): Fortunately, no one was injured, though two apartment buildings suffered extensive damage. However, the winning quote in all this comes from the fire chief. "I never saw any squirrels. None at all."

Nash: I believe the word you're looking for is "irony." Either that, or "duh." Anyway, back to the story. This guy had several options open to him, spanning everything from mouse traps to hiring an exterminator. But out of all of them, he somehow decided that SWAT tactical squirrel elimination was his best option. When your plan for capturing a rodents could have originated in the mind of Elmer Fucking Fudd, it's time to go back to the drawing board! Also, this was an apartment he set on fire, meaning he didn't even own the place. Yet somehow, I feel certain this idiot will try to get his security deposit back. Next on the list is a tale of motherly love to warm the heart...and hurt the head.

(The report is titled "Mother Accused of Storming School Bus, Slapping Bully Who Hit Son")

Nash (vo): (singing) O Florida! Your news is so moronic! (normal voice) From Broward County, Florida, 27-year old Toccara Daniels had a problem: her son was being bullied. Her solution? Storming onto the bus and slapping an elementary school child in the face. And we got video!

(A clip is shown of the woman in question backhanding the kid, the kids' faces blurred out)

Nash (vo): One more time in slo-mo. (the clip is replayed in slo-mo) That's gotta hurt, Gene.

Nash: Now, let's put aside the right or wrong of the matter, or whether hitting someone else's child was appropriate in the situation, or whatever. Because that's just a small, small bit of the story. You see, Daniels came upon this fine, fine idea...while on probation. What's that thing you're not supposed to do on probation? Don't cross the streams? No, no that's not it. Don't feed it after midnight? No, no that's not it. Oh right. The thing you're not supposed to do while on probation is commit more crimes! However well intentioned she may be, I'm not sure her parenting skills are gonna be of any use to her son while she's in prison. But if nothing else, she's a great object example. Let's get out of Florida as quickly as we can and move onto Burlington, North Carolina. There's an old saying that goes, "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." Cept usually the body in question is not your own.

(The report is titled "Police: Man Who Fell Off Vehicle Was Holding Down Mattress")

Nash (vo): 48-year old Timothy Lee Walker could have done what you or I would: used a bungee cord to secure a mattress to his vehicle. But Timothy Lee, he was a daredevil! He used himself as a bungee cord. While you gotta give him points for innovation, you have to subract them for flying off into traffic.

(The Chicken Dance comes on)

Nash: Time to do the math. This, (a picture of someone wheeling in a mattress on a cart) plus this, (a picture of highway traffic which is moving quickly) equals fucking this! (two guys are shown sliding on a street on a mattress, only to crash into a telephone pole) Do you know how much the cost of a set of bungee cords is? Probably less than $20. Do you know how much the cost of an average hospital stay is? Okay, if any of you said "less than $20," your decision making privileges are revoked. My point being, while you might be tempted to save a few bucks now and again, if you're attempting to do so in the face of gravity, inertia, and common fucking sense, practical finance is the least of your problems. Next up, just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in. We return to Florida where, uh... You know what? I got nothing for this one. Seriously. It's that bad.

(The report is titled "

Nash (vo): From Miami, Clarell Jamar Colbert was pulled over by police for bicycling in the middle of the road, obstructing traffic. But after drug sniffing dogs alerted their handlers, they discovered twelve rocks of cocaine in a tube. Guess where? Here's a hint!

(A clip of the song "What What (In The Butt)" is played)

Nash: Ho-ly hell, where do I start? Okay, first of all, if you're going to try and smuggle drugs in a tube up your rectum...can't believe I had to say that! And you decide the best method of transportation is a bike, you are either a complete idiot, or you are a masochist of such great degree that even the Marquis de Sade himself would have to say, "Damn, son!" And second, maybe the next time you try to redefine the term, "asscrack," don't call attention to yourself by riding in the middle of the road because, I'll let you in on a little secret. (He looks around) The cops... (looks around, then whispers) they tend to notice that.(normal voice) But all in all, a tube like that isn't really so bad. I mean, it's not like you jammed a cell phone, an mp3 player, headphones, marijuana, tobacco and money up his butt? (looks around, expecting a report) Ha! Too specific for you, internet! I beat you!

(Just to prove him wrong, a report comes in, this one titled "Man 'Keystered' Cell Phone, MP3 Player, Headphones, Cash, Pot Into California Jail")

Nash (vo): I--oh, Jesus jumped up and shit a bunny! This...I...what? Apparently, 29-year old Earl Lee Vogt was sent to prison. So before he went in, he filled his fanny pack to capacity! Man, I would not want to be the one to do that strip search.

Nash: (putting on a latex glove, using a Midwestern voice) Okay then, let's see what we got in there. (he reaches in and pulls out a TV remote) What the? Well, okay, that's weird, but I guess... Wait a second. (he reaches in again and pulls out a shoe) How in the? (he sniffs the shoe) Why would you...? Wait, what the hell? (he reaches in again and pulls out a monkey doll) How did you do...? Wait, what's that? (another reach in and he pulls out a skull) Okay then, uh, I quit there.

(Back to the report, focused on the mugshot)

Nash (vo): I do wanan comment on this mugshot. From the look on his face, I don't think they needed to search him to figure out he had half a mini mart up his butt.

Nash: What...the...fuck...is WRONGWITHYOU?! Yes, you're going to prison. You wanna take your stuff with you, great. But the first thing they do when you go in is stick a finger in you faster than you can say "O Say Can You See." Which means that you put that all in your ass, for nothing! The only thing that you've accomplished is that your farts will never make noise again. See, and this is all just the tip of the iceberg. All these are bad ideas, but these folks went with them, because the part of their brain that was supposed to say, "no, you're not the exception to reality" was on a coffee break! It's not like these were good ideas to begin with.

(We get interrupted by Space Guy)

SG: Greetings! I am from space!

Nash: Yes, we know that.

SG: Yes, well I was hoping to get it to stick as a catchphrase. It's sort of like that "with onions" That Charming Fellow In The Glasses does. Seemed to have worked fairly well for him and all and I was--

Nash: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, what do you want?

SG: Oh? Nothing.

Nash: Nothing?

SG: Nothing.

Nash: Then why are you here?

SG: I was bored.

Nash: You're bored? You're in a freaking interstellar spacecraft and you're bored?

SG: Yep. I mean I shot down half a dozen of your satellites and not a one fought back! Then I started sending the lyrics to 867-5309 to SETI just to mess with them and, well, abducting rednecks to probe is so last year.

Nash: Riiight. Well, you should probably do something about that. People do stupid things when they're bored. (Space Guy is silent) In fact, I was about to say part of the root of bad ideas is boredom. I've got stories about folks who steel ambulances because they're bored, or put naked photos of themselves on the car windshields of the Wal-Mart wonderboard, or this one guy in Seattle, Phoenix Jones. He got so bored he went out and became a superhero. And you know, it just didn't...

SG: Hmm, what's that now?

Nash: What, Phoenix Jones? Oh, he runs around the city at night being a superhero. Someone needs to get that man some porn or something, I don't know.

SG: (pondering) Superhero... That just might be the thing! Farewell, human!

(SG cuts off his transmission)

Nash: Huh. That could be bad. Wait, what's that? (putting his ear out) It's the sound of it not being my problem.

(Nash whistles as he turns to his computer, then we get a Superfriends transition to a star field)

Narrator: Assembled from the cosmic reaches of a stupid internet video show come the greatest superheroes we could find on short notice! (Secondary Character Action League) Stick Boy! (Stick Boy holds out a sign saying "....what?") Arlo P. Arlo! (Arlo looks around confused)

Arlo: ...the hell is that voice coming from?

Narrator: And Space Guy! (Space Guy having a grin on his face)

SG: I'm from space!

Narrator: Their mission: to kill five minutes of the end of this episode! They are The Secondary Character Action League! (another Superfriends transition)

SG: Alright Secondary Character Action League, I just received word from my police scanner that a bear has escaped from the zoo.

Arlo: Aaahhh, them's good eatin'!

SG: What? No, no! We're not going to eat it. We're going to protect the innocent. We're going to track it down, and bring it back before someone gets hurt. (Stick Boy pulls out a sign saying "Isn't that the cops' job?")

Arlo: (after speaking some gibberish, it comes out to) What he said.

SG: Oh, for the love of... Look, we're heroes. This is what heroes do. (Stick Boy and Arlo look confused) *sigh* Okay, if you do this, you can both come up to my spaceship, and you can each pick ONE national monument to blow up.

Arlo: Hooray! (Even Stick Boy cheers)

SG: Yes, yes, now get moving. Secondary Character Action League, away-- God, that really is a mouthful there!

(Superfriends transition, and Arlo and Stick Boy are in the woods)

SG (on radio): Alright team, word has it the bear was sighted in that area, so be alert. Or in your case, don't be you.

Arlo: Got it! Wait, look...there he is! (Arlo points out to a clip of a bear) Okay, Stickboy! This is your moment! (Stick Boy shakes his head no) You can do it! Don't believe in you! Believe in the me who believes in you! (Stick Boy pulls out a sigh saying "...the FUCK you say?") Just go get him!

(Stick Boy goes over to the bear, but it roars at him, scaring Stick Boy)

(We cut to Obscurus Lupa about to do a review)

Lupa: Hey everyone. Welcome back to Obscurus Lupa Pre...sents...(Stick Boy goes screaming through her room) Huh.

(Now in Linkara's room)

Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Today, we're gonna be looking at...(Stick Boy goes screaming through his room) a blue headed stick figure interrupting my intro! What?

(Now JesuOtaku's room)

JO: Hi, welcome to the JesuOtaku Anime Review. Well, after getting hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of requests, I think I'm finally gonna break down and review an American cartoon. That's right, it's the one you've all been waiting for, folks. I'm finally taking a look at Avatar: The Last Airben...(Stick Boy goes screaming through her room, only to crash into the wall, knocking her camera off-kilter) Alright, fine. You know what, if you're not gonna take it seriously, I'm not gonna take this seriously either! I'm not reviewing it! (and she leaves)

(Back to Arlo in the woods)

SG (on radio): Oh dear lord. Alright Arlo, you have all those gadgets and such. Use them to subdue that bear!

Arlo: Right! Time for the IDS Dog Launcher!...patent pending. (he shoots the gun, falling from the recoil, and sending quite a bit of dogs out) Ow...OW! Too many puppies! TOO MANY PUPPIES!

SG: Huh. That actually went better than I expected. Alright, computer. Transport the bear. Don't know why I didn't think of that to begin with. (a shot of SG's UFO over earth as the bear is beamed up onto earth)

SG (vo): Seemed obvious, really.

(The bear is heard growling)

SG: Computer, why is the bear onboard the ship, and not in the zoo?

Computer: You did not give a transport destination.

SG: This is because I installed Ubuntu on you, isn't it?

Computer: Affirmative.

(The bear growls again as we go outside of the ship)

SG (vo): Alright Mr. Bear, we're both reasonable beings. We can still--no, no please. (the bear is mashing on stuff in the ship, making it go flying around in odd ways) That's important right there! There was no call for that, that was just immature! (more crashes and bangs along the way) Huh, so that's where a bear shits. Hm.

(Another Superfriends transition, and we're back to Nash on the phone)

Nash: So, and please, let me know if I have this right. You three tried to be superheroes, and this resulted in a bear flying around in your heavily armed spaceship.

SG (vo): That's...about the size of it, yes.

Nash: Yeah, and, uh, where are you now, exactly?

(Space Guy's now working at a Burger King)

SG: I, um...don't want to talk about it.

Manager: (vo, in a nasally voice) Hey, Mr. Guy, we got customers!

SG: I know, Steve! God!

Nash: So, I'm sure we all learned something this week. I'm not sure what, except that we now have a bear with a laser cannon in orbit. Well, that's all for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.

(The credits play, our final song being David Bowie's "Heroes")

Final quip: I for one welcome our new spaceursine overlords.

(One last shot of Space Guy working at Burger King)

Manager: Mr. Guy!

SG: I swear to Space Jesus, Steve, I will put this spatula right up your second rectum!