Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest

Open on the Nostalgia Critic sittting at his table in his room.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic; I remember it, so YOU don't have to! There's nothing like an environmental film, is there? That is to say, there's nothing...

Cut to clips from Ferngully; music from the film plays.

NC (voice-over): ...preachy, annoying or obnoxiously pretentious as an environmental film, is there?

Cut to NC.

NC: Of course there isn't, and that's why I'm taking a look at 20th Century-Fox's latest animation fuck-up since... (music fades as he tries to come up with an answer) ...well, anything their animation studio has produced, really:

Movie's title card shown.

NC (v/o): Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

NC: And, boy, have I got some words to say about...

Voice (v/o, interrupting): HEY!

NC (looking up): What? What was that?

Cut to The Nostalgia Chick (that voice) in a different location (sans bow-tie).

Nostalgia Chick: That was ME, you plagiarist!

Cut to NC.

NC: Nostalgia Chick? What the hell do YOU want?

Cut to NChick (NCh).

NCh: You can't make fun of Ferngully; I was gonna make fun of that!

Cut to NC.

NC: Hey, too bad, Chick; (pointing at himself) I got dibs!

Cut to NCh.

NCh: (scoffs) You don't have the brainpower to understand the level of bullshit this movie amounts to.

Cut to NC.

NC: Why? I put up with it from YOUR end every couple of weeks.

Cut to NCh.

NCh (with a steely look on her face): Say that again...

Cut to NC.

NC: Oh, you mean what I just said about you constantly spewing bullshit every time you speak? Certainly. (clears his throat) Uh, "I" - that's me (points to himself), the person right in front of you - uh, put "up" (points upward) - that's a direction - with "it"...

Cut to NCh getting angry.

NC (v/o): ...that being your bullshit (almost chuckles)...

Cut to NC.

NC: ..."from YOUR end" - I, uh... (chuckle) not even gonna go there - "every couple of weeks" - that is a period of time. Is that slow enough for you?

Cut to NCh.

NCh: Well, why don't you come over here and say that face-to-face to me, big shot?

Cut to NC.

NC: I got a better idea! Why don't YOU come up HERE and make ME say it to YOUR face? Go ahead, try it! You don't have the...

''(The Chick enters the room from screen-right screaming (wearing her bow-tie), grabs the Critic's head, and slams it into the table three times. A fight ensues as Metallica's "Fuel" plays over it. NC elbows her in the stomach and punches her in the face. NCh shoves him back in his chair and leaps on top of him. He grabs her onto the table and punches her face three times before she knees him in the face. He gives her a whore-noogie ("WHOOOOORE!!!"). He pokes out her eyes. She tries to do the same but can't because of his glasses; instead she punches him in the balls and then his face. They trade some jabs. He grabs her fist and makes her punch herself in the forehead; and she sobs while he says, "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" A few more quick alternating jabs, including one where he comically follows her fingers before he's punched. There are then a few seconds of them in a pillow fight with them giggling; the music changes to a bright, tropical-style rhythm [it's actually "Nature Trail to Hell" by "Weird Al" - ed.]. Back to "Fuel" music as they trade punches. The two choke each other, hands around each other's neck.)''

NC (in strained voice): Wait a minute, wait a minute... (Metallica fades out) we're losing focus on the REAL evil here.

(NCh lets go of NC, still looking at him).

NCh: You're right. (he lets go of her and sighs) This isn't about us; this is about (turns to the camera) an awful movie.

NC: A God-awful movie that deserves to be ripped a new one.

NCh (turns back to NC): What do you say? Truce? (extends out her right hand)

NC: (he shakes it) Truce.

(NC then slams her head into the table; she yells and falls to the ground.)

NC: So the film begins as most epics do: with a flashback.

NCh (from the floor): Bastard.

NC: Bitch.

Cut to movie clips describing what's said below.

NC (v/o): They tell us that Ferngully used to be a peaceful forest of waving hands, where everybody was hapy and peaceful all the time.

Cut to NC as we see NCh getting up off the floor.

NC (looking at her): Need any help there?

NCh: Yes. (Note: from this point, NCh is likely kneeling at the table so that she stays in the shot. Also, both will face the camera unless noted)

NC: Good.

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): But then, the plot device known as Hexxus arrived, an evil spirit who wanted to spread chaos all over the land.

NCh (v/o): But then...

Cut to battle scenes from Lord of the Rings.

NCh (v/o): ...an alliance of men and elves march against the armies of Hexxus, putting that bunghole in his place.

NC (v/o): Uh, wrong movie.

NCh (v/o): Oh.

Cut to Ferngully clips.

NC (v/o): Instead, they use some sort of winged-magic bullshit that helped defeat the evil Hexxus and bring life back to Ferngully. And one of those examples of life is Tinkerbell's slutty sister here, Crysta.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NCh (left elbow on table, left palm on her face): Crysta, what a charming name. It's like the name a WASP family would give their child to make them sound unique.

NC (looks at her): You mean, like Ferngully?

NCh: Yeah.

NC (back at camera): Yeah.

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): So she spends most of her time flying around with other fairies while listening to bad late-'80s/early-'90s music.

NC (v/o): Which you'd ironically hear in The Rainforest Cafe.

NCh (v/o): Are all rainforests filled with Phil Collins wannabes?

Cut to a Phil Collins video from Tarzan ["Strangers Like Me", perhaps - ed].

NC (v/o): All except Tarzan. They were unfortunate enough to get the REAL Phil Collins.

Cut to Ferngully ''clip. Two ostrich guards [??? - ed.] jump into view with their necks crossed.''

Ostrich Guard 1 (in thick British accent): 'Alt! Who goes there?

Cut to NC and NCh; he's surprised, and she's like, "Really?"

Cut to Ferngully.

Guard 2 (mugging the camera): Hi, Crysta!

Guard 1: OK, what's the password?

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: "Welcome to hell"?

NCh: "Don't eat 'shrooms"?

Cut to Ferngully.

Crysta: Oh, come on, you guys!

Guard 1: Is that the password? Oop... sounds good!

Crysta: Bye! (she flies past the guards) 

Guard 2: "Bye"! That's it! That's the password!

Guard 1: Well, I don't know if that's the password or not! I'm so confused!

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC (looks a bit pissed): I'm annoyed.

NCh: Don't worry. We don't see them again.

NC: Good.

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): So she visits a mystical something-or-other named Magi, who kind of looks like Yoda's senile German grandmother.

Crysta: I don't know! It looked like a strange black cloud rising out of the earth.

Magi: Smoke, I should think.

Crysta: What's smoke?

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: Gee, is this that naive and dangerous of all animals known as...

They look at each other for a second and then at the camera, both times dramatically.

Both: MAAAAAAANNNN???

''As they say this, a graphic comes in: the word "MAN?" next to a bunny rabbit with a solitary tear falling from its eye. Epic stinger stab chord accompanies this.''

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): She shows Crysta that if trouble does come in ruin, that the secret to all growth isn't water, light, or the ability to create your own food: it's MAGIC.

Clip of where plant life comes out from beneath Crysta's hand via magic.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: But wait a minute; what about photosynthesi-

NCh (interrupts him and waves him off): Magic.

NC (briefly looks at her): What about the science that goes behi-

NCh (does it again): Magic.

NC: What about the years of research th-

NCh: MAGIC, DAMN YOU! (punches him; he falls back out of shot) Don't you EVER bring logic into this movie again! THIS IS FERNGULLY, BITCH!

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): And speaking of impending danger, Robin Williams is in the movie too, playing a fruitbat named Batty, which is another weird name. Isn't that kind of like calling a human "Humany"?

NC (v/o): He's a little out of it because his mind was altered by EVIL, scienitific experiments that makes comic relief much more annoying that they need to be.

Batty: (unintelligible) Testing Laborato- (gets shocked) Nnnnn-NO! Pass the probe. (collects himself) Graduate students, all gather forw- (is zapped again)

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: I'm annoyed again.

NCh: We ALL are. (smiles)

Cut to movie.

Batty: I just flew in from a biology lab! I'm back, and I'm flapping free! (quick shot of NC looking horrified and NCh looking sad) I'm a nocturnal placental flying mammal, (back to movie) a member of the family of pterodidae or "ptero-didn't-I." (chuckles; shot of NC and NCh with WTF expressions; back to movie) If you can't tell, I'm a BAT! (zapped again; shot of pissed NC and NCh looks as if to say, "Damn...") Yes, I am. And they used to (back to movie) call me Batty... Batty Koda. Nice to meet you. (goes to shake Crysta's hand; cut to pissed NC and an "EWWW!"-looking NCh) Bonjour! (back to movie; Crysta giggles)

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC (looking at NCh): You know how Robin Williams is both funny AND annoying? It's like they took away the funny and just replaced it with more annoying!

NCh: Well, it's not like he could get any MORE annoying.

Cut to movie.

Batty: ''(rapping) [Yep. - ed.] Yo, the name is Batty / The logic is erratic (he indicates he's loco)..''.

Cut to NC and NCh.

Both: Ohhhhhhh.... he raaaaapppsss... ''[NCh throws in a few "westside" signs, maybe? - ed.]''

NC: Yeah. YOU review it. (quickly tries to leave screen left)

NCh: Unh-uhn. (She holds him down by his left arm. The two then try to leave while holding the other back; this is all sped up. They also argue a bit with NC saying, "You review it," and NCh pleading, "I don't WANT to!" - among other things.)

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): So, yeah, listening to Robin Williams rap is kind of, like, listening to...

Cut of photo of rapper Eminem.

NCh (v/o): Eminem sung by...

Cut to image of the M&Ms mascots.

NCh (v/o): M&Ms while taking part in...

Cut of a photo of some S&M activity (in public, no less).

NCh (v/o): S&M.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC (counting off): Annoying, bad for you, and INCREDIBLY painful. (NCh nods)

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Batty says he's spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is... Wait a minute. Mount Warning?

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC (looks at NCh): Isn't that in Australia?

NCh: Yep.

NC (looks at NCh): Is their rainforest in any kind of danger?

NCh: (wiggles her fingers and tilts her head) Eeeeehhhhhhh.... (as if to say, "Not really")

NC (yelling): Then why is it called "The Last Rainforest"??

NCh (leaning in to the camera): Well, Mr. Critic... (NC looks confused)

Cut to a map of the world; bright, tropical, uncopyrighted music plays in the background throughout this section.

NCh (v/o): One must ask one's self: where (a red question mark zooms in over the map) is a viable rainforest environment that hapens to have a ready supply of white people?

The map slides out of frame, followed by the portion of...

NC (v/o): Central America?

NCh (v/o): No.

SIldes out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): Africa?

NCh (v/o): (scoffs) Yeah, right.

SIldes out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): New Guinea?

NCh (v/o): Getting warmer.

NC (v/o): Ohhhh....

Slides out, followed by the area of...

NC (v/o): Australia!

NCh (v/o): Now you got it!

Cut to movie clips, incljuding one of Crysta smashing a fruit into another fairy's face.

NCh (v/o): Technically, they could've just made up a location; but I guess the movie wanted SOME credibility. Now, you COULD say that it's not a good idea to try and impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies...

''Cut to NC and NCh in front of a green screen with NC's room as the backdrop. The tropical music fades.''

NCh: But, hey, it's for kids; and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.

NC: Now I know!

NCh: (at the camera) And knowing is half the battle.

(Backdrop changes to a waving American flag as both look at the camera and give a military salute as the chorus of "G.I. JOOOOE!!!" from the first animated TV cartoon plays.)

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): So Crysta follows Batty to where he spotted the humans.

Batty: Yeah, this territory looks kinda familiar. Come on, you got a great set of wings!

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: (imitating Batty) And that's not the ONLY thing you got a great set of! (weird chuckle; NCh looks at him blankly, so he looks at her. In normal voice:) Oh, come on; why do you think he's flying behind her?

''Cut to a clip of Batty flying behind Crysta. As they do, a caption appears in red letters: "Upskirt peek!" [spelled "peak" in the video - sorry, Doug - ed.]. An arrow appears as well, as an overdubbed alarm goes off. Batty flies right into a tree. Then, more clips.''

NCh (v/o): So we comes across a blond, mullet-youth named Zak, who's helping other Australians with no accents chop down the trees of their beloved rainforest.

NC (v/o): Faster than you can say, "It's not the size that counts," Zak is shrunken down to the size of a fairy.

Batty (carrying Zak while flying): A human!!

Crysta (flying alongside Batty): A tree!!!

Batty yells and flies into said tree, prying Zak loose.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NCh: What is with this running blindness gag? He's a fruitbat; fruitbats aren't blind!

Three instances are shown where Batty runs into stuff.

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): While he's passed out unconscious, the little mugger in Crysta rummages through his pockets to see what she can find.

Crysta finds a pocketknife and has an almost-menacing look...

NCh (v/o, as Crysta): Hmm, maybe I can cut off this root in his crotch area.

Zak: Take anything you want! I won't tell the cops!

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: Trust me, I'm NOT gonna tell anyone I was mugged by a fairy. (after looking at him, NCh smirks at the camera)

Cut to movie.

Deep male voice of Tone Loc: Check this out.

Zak: (brief scream)

Goanna ''[Tone Loc's character appears, which is.... blue with tan and orange, plus black swashes of... YOU try describing it! - ed.]: (rapping to some light early-'90s hip-hop/R&B)'' I've a basic inclination...

NC (v/o): Oh, I'm sorry, we seemed to have entered into a completely different movie.

Goanna: (chasing Zak, who runs into a snail; still rapping) I just can't control this hunger... (chomps at a tree) on my ravenous consumption.

Cut to NC and NCh, who both lean in to the camera with some WTF looks on their faces.

Goanna: (rapping) You're a welcome little snack.

Cut to movie.

Goanna: (singing) If I'm gonna eat somebody, (cut to NC and NCh, who make different WTF faces every second) it might as well be you. (movie voices say "Ribbit!" and "Uh-oh!"; back to movie, where Goanna tries to eat Zak) I can see you as a sandwich (cut to NC and NCh making more faces) or a strange, exotic (back to movie) stew.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: I mean, I (stammering)... WHAT IS this character?!?!

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): He just comes out of nowhere, singing this kind of sexual song about how he's gonna eat Zak. I mean, what's the point???

Cut to NC and NCh.

NCh: Ohhhhhh....... (She gets what happened here, but NC looks at her confusedly.) It's a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.

''Just then, a graphic zooms in that shocks NC: the graphic is the words "Big-Lipped Alligator Moment" in some comic font with two heads of said alligator that will be explained later. A small chorus sings a note and holds it. A weird v/o [Doug - ed.] exclaims:''

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

''The graphic fades as NC still looks a bit stunned while NCh smirks. He asks her:''

NC: What's a... Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?

The graphic appears again as he looks around to see where the voice and the chorus are coming from.

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

''The graphic fades again. NC collects himself.''

NC: I mean, THAT'S not an alligator; it's a... (struggles to understand what that creature was) ...THAT'S not an alligator!

NCh (patting NC's head): You stupid sack of shit.

Cut to clips from All Dogs Go to Heaven, which illustrate NCh's point.

NCh (v/o): Perhaps you don't remember the "big-lipped alligator" scene from All Dogs Go to Heaven. This is named after the random musical number sung by a big-lipped alligator towards the end of the film: a scene that comes right the fuck out of nowhere; has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot; is WAY over-the-top in terms of ridiculousness, even within the context of the movie; and, after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: Ohhh! Like...

Cut to various clips that illustrate these examples.

NC (v/o): The Dancing Fire Gang from Labyrinth, the pink elephants from Dumbo, the creepy-ass tunnel scene from Willy Wonka... [the original - ed.]

NCh (v/o): That's right.

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: And now, THIS festering pile of pointlessness!

NCh: (in an almost-childish voice) Yes, Critic, (pinches his left cheek) you're learning a LOT today!

NC: I AM! (cut to him looking at the camera in close-up with a cheesy look on his face) I really am.

Fades out; fading in is the ending animation of NBC's popular PSA campaign, "The More You Know", complete with music.

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): Well, after that bit of nothing, our two main characters finally introduce themselves to one another.

Zak: I'm Zak. (extends out his right hand in a handshake pose)

Crysta: I'm Crysta. (she does the same)

Cut to NC and NCh.

NC: Pleased to fuck you! (brief stammer) I mean, meet you! (NCh looks away from him)

Cut to movie clips.

NCh (v/o): Crysta shows Zak around the forest while those pesky, stupid humans foolishly unleash the monster Hexxus, played by Tim Curry, from his wooden prison. He then works his way into their radio where he tells the workers to head out and destroy Ferngully.

Hexxus: You're going to Ferngully, and I want you there by morning. (as he speaks, black smoke comes out of the speaker)

Cut to NC and NCh, both looking up.

NC: Didn't her boss used to be a woman?

NCh: (in a near-Brooklyn accent) When did he turn into a British guy?

Cut to movie clips.

NC (v/o): We then hear Hexxus (quick breath in, then speaks imitating Hexxus) ...mmm, sing about how he LOVES pollution and how he considers their relationship toxic love.

Hexxus: (singing) [like Dr. Frank-N-Furter, almost - ed.] Sliiime beneath me, mmm, sliiime up above! Mmm. you'll love my... (locks himself in a chamber of some sort) toxic lo-o-o-ve!

Cut to NC and NCh, who start to dance sexily [for some people - ed.] for the camera.

NC: (singing to the tune of "Sweet Tranvestite", with the instrumental playing in the background): I'm just a cheap to-xi-cite... from transsexual... Toxic-va-ni-aaaaaaaaa!!!

[not finished yet....]

NC: See, even to environmental nutballs, this movie makes no sense!

NCh: (looking angry, in a steely voice) Say that again...

NC: (in slow, mocking tone) Even to-

''NCh puches him. The two start choking each other again. An abrupt cut of static is shown, then... we cut to NC and NCh in a much happier mood. NC is dancing in his chair, but he's not in his usual garb; he's wearing a purple jacket [from Melvin, maybe?]. NCh is in the back wearing a fuzzy light blue hat, swaying and "playing" her accordion; lively polka music is dubbed over this. As we cut back in, the now-familiar graphic and voice reappear: ''

Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

After a few seconds of this...

NC: I'm The Nostalgia Critic!

NCh: And I'm your Nostalgia Chick.

NC: We remember it...

Both: ...so YOU don't have to!

The two continue dancing and looking happy, especially NC in his ultra-ecstatic grin, as the polka music hits its coda and the end credit screen.

THE END

[transcript not complete yet]