My Big Fat Geek Buddy

Glynis is smoking in bed as Lloyd sings "It's an Inky Dinky Doo-Da Morning" in the shower.

Glynis: Lloyd, can you come in here for a second?

sure thing! [leaves shower] Glynis, this past week has been amazing. normally when I'm away from my apartment it means I'm passed out drunk at work but this week it's all for the right reasons

Glynis:yeah okay that's great listen Lloyd I really like you a lot it's just that...

you want to peek through my case files don't you what

Glynis: No! Wait, is that even legal? I mean, no, that's not it... Do you have any friends, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Well, of course I do! There's Chloe, and bartender, and... Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker... Glynis: Those last three are whiskeys.

Lloyd: At least I'm on a first and last name basis with them! Which is more than I can say about Chloe and bartender, and bartender is the one who introduced me to those three!

Glynis: Look you've been hanging out here too much Lloyd if we're going to keep dating I can't have you here 24 hours a day seven days a week you need a friend who you can talk to and we're not together someone you can brag to and we have our little bedroom mishaps

you mean like when we fell off the mattress and still managed to land in position

Glynis:there you go I'm sure that conversations of friendship started

Glynis:it's Wednesday morning I don't want to see you here until our date on Friday now go find a friend and make me proud because if I have to hear that damn shower song of yours one more time you wouldn't have any friends to attend your own funeral

did my girlfriend just threatened to kill me?

Chloe we're friends aren't we I'd like to think so if Glennis killed you I'd probably attend your funeral

that's a questionably specific thing to say anyway we could tell each other things right I see nothing wrong with that

okay good so last night when Glennis and I will make in love she did this thing with her tail

whoa TMI why are you telling me this

I thought we were friends you give me dating advice all the time well if you continue with that story it would be between you me and HR

there is no HR department

which means you'd have to create one just so I could tell them we'll work friends Lloyd I trust that you're gonna pay me every other Friday and you trust that I'm not gonna tell anyone you were hired to find a man's daughter in porn and then kept the tapes for yourself

Glynis says I've been hanging around her too much she wants me to find a friend the last thing I want to be is a clingy boyfriend

Lloyd do you like this coil huh I question the motives of anyone who wants to spend time with me

nice defense mechanism it's simple Lloyd just do what she says that's it yep if she's happy you may be miserable but at least she'll be happy which means she'll do that thing with her tail again

now I'm thinking of calling HR

Who knows maybe your next best friend will walk right through that door

A sasquatch (Phelous) breaks in through the wall next to the door.

Is this an office or a place of someone that I can pay money to?

my next best friend is an asshole!

I'll leave you two alone.

yeah and find a dustpan while you're at it.

If I don't find protection in 24 hours I may be dead! And I wanted to watch Wild Hogs tomorrow!

so do need protection from a person or the movie Wild Hogs?

allow me to demonstrate my point with a riveting nature documentary.

Chloe, did we always have a projector screen in the office?

yeah thanks

our story begins two weeks ago deep in the Hoboken jungle

sasquatch Ellis ferocious Aegis Henderson ickis

alias we found this on Wikipedia

also known as the geek

they only called me that in school great people breeding like NASA's

the search for sasquash begins as our fur brave hunters journey into the Hoboken jungle in search of the legend

Bagger Vance

and such a Bigfoot

make up your mind am ia equal a Bigfoot

don't worry baby it's just the tip

new Sasquatch will home you so long as I'm around via

Loch Ness on the other hand he could probably rip me to shreds

as Johnny ventures into the night to find firewood we soon meet our friend

friends I just met you sir

Say, you're not Johnny.

you're 12 inches bigger I think

I'd like to research you a little better mr. sasquatch

mr. Sasquatch was my father's name way

Wait, why did it go blurry?

You see, Lloyd, when a sasquatch loves a woman very much good cheese it's in her vagina which angers her hunter boyfriend

hold on who's this other woman

looks like a regular sexsquatch to me

who said that

hey Floyd I found a dustpan what are you watching?

give us a minute give us a minute Chloe

yeah I'll grab you a sock

what'd I miss wait are you just leaving

one day I'm gonna get that filthy animal!

huh, well that was abrupt.

I need protection against a group of hunters who have extreme jealousy issues

how do you even know they're coming for you

Jesus Christ

They let this on the porch cousin Sherman never saw it coming

boy two people here to see you

hey I recognize you from the movie

the day has come to finally get this filthy animal

so talking it out is out of the question

you don't have to crap in my pants I could have just landed fine on my paws

The hunters start firing, killing people on the street as Lloyd and the Sasquatch run away. A paper dispenser has a picture of Lloyd and the corpses of Dookie and Ziko with the headline 'Local Cat Detective Shoots And Kills Weather Balloons'

I sense something very slapsticky is gonna happen

my girlfriend's mouth still tastes like your seed

you and your girlfriend are still together?

oh, thank god

Hey man, use that gun!

thanks for finally saying something Trevor

why does a cupcake factory have a gun

The reason I keep you is my protector is that you look the most delicious!

I'll put that on my Yelp page.

why are you shooting at me? I'm not a threat to you!

good we're the safest place in the city,a bus

I'm feeling safe with you Lloyd. hear me do you think it's too soon asking Amy to marry me?

why not, this already feels, like a shotgun wedding.

sad thing is that might not have anything to do with us

I feel like I should be paying you to protect me

Home wrecker!

I don't think that's a cupcake gun

how do they think that'll hurt us? follow me I know a place

Lloyd I thought I told you to come back Friday

It's ok, Glynnis. I thought it would be a good idea to put your life in danger by coming here

what?!

too honest

can we stay the night with you nice lady

it's ok

I've already sent Chloe for a dustpan

Lloyd, I'm sure there's a reason you brought sasquatch into my apartment...

it's very simple it turns out he's a horny bastard and a couple of jealous hunters are trying to kill him or at least color his fur with frosting.

there he is

cupcake the bastard

what happened are you wanting to kill him

on the bright side it wasn't me this time

you know Sasquatch you're finding it harder and harder to believe that you can't overpower these two you know I never thought to be that way

No, not Trevor!

so um what's that nightmares out of your head are we still on for dinner?

I can't believe she said yes to dinner! I thought for sure she was gonna dump me right then and there!

it's like I tell Cindy all the time true love waits for the right person to come along to pleasure herself while she watches you mouth the one you love doggy style

yours is truly a romance built-in honesty and disgust I'm happy you found each other

and I'm happy you found someone you spend time with well your significant other doesn't want to be around you

you know you and Chloe are right Glynnis wanted me to find a friend I found a friend Chloe doesn't have to know what Glynnis likes in bed you're a little too eager to find out what the latest like sit bed and most of all Glynnis is happy

the head of him is sitting horribly in my stomach I'm gonna be pooping flannel for the next four days!

Sasquatch, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship in which two people really tolerate each other.

will you be my best man?

Lloyd: [laughs] maybe.