Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

(After the Channel Awesome logo and the intro, we see a not-amused NC looking to something behind the camera, as an angelic choir is heard)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(We get a wide-angle shot of the situation. NC is sitting on the couch together with Malcolm and Tamara)

Malcolm: My God, that was amazing.

Tamara: (driven to tears of joy) Even better than I remember it.

John Hammond: Ay. Spared no expense.

(We cut to John Hammond (Rob Walker), who is standing next to a TV. All of them just watched the first movie again)

NC: (groans) Apologies, but John Hammond is here to convince us why there should be another Jurassic Park sequel. He just got done showing us the first one again.

Malcolm: It's just as spectacular as when I first saw it.

Tamara: Even after all this years. My God, how did you do it?

(The camera moves to the left to reveal Hammond, who stands next to Tamara, weirding her out)

Hammond: I'll show you.

(He goes back to the TV to reenact the cloning film from the first movie)

Hammond: Now, this is a Jurassic Park movie.

TV-Hammond: (waving) Hello. I'm a Jurassic Park movie.

Hammond: But if we were to take just one drop of the movie's genius...

(He stings his TV self in the index finger)

TV-Hammond: John, that hurt.

Hammond: Relax, John. It's all part of the miracle of lazy cloning.

(We shortly cut to the couch where Tamara and Malcolm are watching in wonder, while NC just looks annoyed. Back to video, a second TV-Hammond comes from behind the first one)

TV-Hammond 2: Hello. I'm a Jurassic Park movie.

TV-Hammond: Hello, Jurassic Park movie.

(And a third Hammond appears)

TV-Hammond 3: Hello. I'm another Jurassic Park movie.

TV-Hammond: Hello, Jurassic Park movie.

(And a fourth one appears, before we get another cut to NC, Malcolm and Tamara, who still have the same reaction to the video)

Hammond: By creating the same thing over and over with a drop of the original genius, we can have as many Jurassic Parks as we want.

Tamara: (applauding) Remarkable!

Malcolm: (applauding) Remarkably remarkable.

NC: (after the two have stopped, in a low voice) The lack of humility before great filmmaking that's being displayed here staggers me.

Malcolm: Oh, lighten up.

Tamara: Yeah, I just want to re-live my nostalgia without questioning why I'm a social media addict who doesn't like change.

Hammond: Now, now, now, let him talk. I want to hear everybody's viewpoint before I automatically disagree with it.

NC: I mean, don't you see the danger in what you're doing here? Jurassic Park is one of the coolest, most groundbreaking movies ever made, and you wield it like an Alien vs. Predator sequel.

Hammond: I don't think you're giving our sequels enough credit.

NC: Haven't you noticed each sequel is getting dumber with every clone?

TV-Hammond 3: (speaking with a stupid lisp) Duuuh. I'm Jurassic Park 3. I put numbers in the titles now.

TV-Hammond 4: (sounding like Rob's interpretation of Shaggy) Dooy. I'm Jurassic World. Somehow, not saying "Park" makes me a reboot.

NC: It's like that Michael Keaton movie from the 90s no one remembers.

Malcolm: The Paper?

NC: No.

Tamara: Speechless?

NC: No.

Malcolm: My Life?

NC: No.

Tamara: Desperate Measures?

NC: No.

Malcolm: Jack Frost?

NC: No.

Tamara: Much Ado About Nothing?

NC: No.

Malcolm: One Good Cop?

NC: No.

Tamara: Pacific Heights?

NC: No.

Malcolm: Multiplicity?

NC: (gives him a satisfied smile) That's the one.

Malcolm: Oh, come on, every sequel has a ton of great scenes.

Hammond: Two.

Malcolm: (wondering) Huh?

Hammond: Two great scenes. That's what our scientists figured out. You only need two great scenes to keep people coming back.

(The two great scenes from every sequel are shown when they're mentioned) Hammond (vo): Lost World had the glass breaking and the T-rex running in the city, (Jurassic Park) 3 had the Pterodactyls and the T-rex fight, and World had the opening and, oog, that ending with the T-rex. Oooh, mommy, look at the T-rex and then she (Claire Dearing) is running around in her high heels and then Blue comes out of nowhere, and before you know it, their mate jumps out of the water and then CHOMP, and everybody is applauding, going "Goodness gracious, me".

Hammond: So, by having only two good moments, we could have the same idiot characters doing the same idiot things, (starts chuckling) and nobody cares.

NC: You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now (slams his fist on a desk, while the sound of the original movie plays over it) you're selling it, you're selling it. Well...

Malcolm: (looks around) Does anyone else feel weird that he is giving the Ian Malcolm dialogue? Because my name is literally Malcolm.

NC: How long is it gonna take before doing the exact same thing over and over doesn't lead to two great scenes anymore?

Tamara: Um, I hate to interrupt, but... (points to the cloned Hammonds) what are your sequels doing?

Hammond: Oh, feeding.

(The clones look to the original TV-Hammond with malicious intend)

TV-Hammond: (scared) Grant? GRAAAANT!!

(He gets overwhelmed and devoured by his clones, while the original Hammond looks in shock)

Hammond: No, no, no, no, no. You cannot feed that much!

NC: I knew it! They're devouring the original, so now there's nothing original left! It's like that terrible 90s movie with the awful CGI.

Malcolm: Deep Rising?

NC: No.

Tamara: The Relic?

NC: No.

Malcolm: Lost in Spa-

Hammond: I don't understand. These shitty sequels still make money!

NC: Yeah, but you got so occupied thinking if you could, you never bothered to think if you should.

Malcolm: Again, (waves his hand around his face) literally Malcolm!

Hammond: I just don't know how this is possible.

NC: Well, this just like what happened with today's movie Jurassic Park*: Fallen King-


 * He said Park instead of World. Then again, it's technically the same franchise, so this is an excusable mistake

Tamara: (interrupting) Well, obviously, we all knew you were making that comparison.

(NC is stunned. Long beat)

NC: Well... Do you know why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Tamara: Yes.

(Both are waiting for an explanation)

NC: Will you tell us?

Tamara: No.

NC and Malcolm: (disappointed) Awww.

(We cut to footage from the movie)

NC (vo): It may have made a lot of money, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom has left a lot of viewers asking "What the heaping pile of dinosaur shit were they thinking?" Not only does it have little to nothing new in it, but the idiotic decisions made in this movie are so massive and so mind-blowing that you feel like that one pilot in Return of The Jedi.

(A clip of this film is briefly shown)

Telsij: There is too many of them!

NC (vo): Along with false advertising making it look like the film was about the dinosaurs being released on the public, when it's really just the last few minutes, this duped audiences, pissed off critics and yet still made a bundle at the box office, because dinosaurs are like dangling keys to us. Just keep waving them in front of our faces, and we'll keep forgetting what a lazy, repetitive form of entertainment they are.

NC: (goes to his usual chair) So, as long as there're still people optimistic enough to have hope for these movies...

(One of the clones barfs something up)

Tamara: (disgusted) Oh, God, did those sequels just belch up a hungover Jeff Goldblum?

Hammond: (off-screen) Spared no expense.

NC: ...We'll always be here to review it. Let's take a look at Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

(The movie starts with showing a submarine swimming in the sea)

NC (vo): The film opens up with an inspiring idea that no Jurassic Park film has ever tackled befo-

NC: (waves off in dismissal) Nah, just kidding! It opens...

NC (vo): ...with dinosaurs attacking people like always.

(We cut to a team of mercenaries arriving on the abandoned Isla Nubular to get the DNA of the Indominus rex at the bottom of the park's lagoon)

NC (vo): These guys are sneaking into a now-closed park, due to reconstruction and peeling tourists out of teeth, (As he says this, the screenshot of Marty Moose from National Lampoon's Vacation holding a "Sorry Folks!" sign is shown, but with "Closed Due to Death!" Photoshopped onto the sign) as they know this is a dangerous and illegal mission, so they smartly bring no weapons at all.

(The three mercenaries call to the pilot of their helicopter to run because something is behind him, but he can't hear because of the rain)

Pilot: What? What is going on? I can't hear you!

NC: (as the pilot, calling out) I don't know what this means!

NC (vo): What does this mean?

NC: Is this a gang sign? Are you in a gang? "Don't join the gang"?!

(And behind the pilot is...the Tyrannosaurus rex that roars at him)

NC (vo): Hey, look, the T-rex.

NC: (poker-faced) ...Oh.

(The T-rex chases after the pilot who tries to grab the ladder as the helicopter flies away)

NC (vo): Yeah, it's not really a big deal anymore. In the first one, she almost outruns a jeep; in the second one, she can't catch up to a crowd of people; in this one, she can't catch up with Homer Simpson's voice actor. I'm the motherfu...ah, who cares?

(The pilot manages to hold on to a ladder and laughs)

NC: Okay. Never laugh in a survival film, unless you want your obvious death...

(The mosasaurus dives out of the water and chomps up the pilot as the helicoper flies away from the island)

NC (vo): ...to be accompanied by...

(A dino in a tuxedo appears, shrugging and imitating the trumpet's failure sound of...)

Dino (voiced by Doug): Wha-whaaaa!

(We cut to a lava pouring across the ground to a ominous chorus)

NC: Ooh, choir music! Shit's getting real in this Jurassic Park!

(The camera pulls back to reveal the movie's title)

NC (vo): Yeah, we need epic Latin gibberish to frame the gigantic size of Jeff Goldblum's ego!

(We are shown the U.S. Senate hearing in Washington, where the debate of whether Isla Nublar's dinosaurs should be saved from an impending volcanic eruption is going. Dr. Ian Malcolm, played by Goldblum, states his thoughts on the subject)

Ian: I think we should allow our glorious dinosaurs to be taken out by the volcano.

(The people murmur)

NC: (as Ian) As a dinosaur myself, I wish to be put out of my misery.

NC (vo): It looks like a volcano is about to take out the island of dinosaurs, and the debate rages whether or not it's ethical to save them or let them die.

NC: As well as the debate of...did Jeff Goldblum just read the script and only now...

NC (vo): ...while saying the lines, realize how stupid it is?

Ian: I'm talking about...man-made, cataclysmic...change.

Senator Sherwood (Peter Jason): What kind of change?

Ian: Change is like death.

NC: (as Jeff Goldblum) I-Is that really what I'm saying? I-I'm a scientist, and that's what I'm saying? Okay, whatever. (wiggles his fingers) Deeeaph!

(Meanwhile in the city, Jurassic World's former operations manager, Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard), has established the Dinosaur Protection Group to save the animals, which consists of mostly young people that do stuff in the office)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, we cut to the real heroes of this movie: hipsters!

NC: Oh, you think I'm joking? They have a whole office...

NC (vo): ...of SJWs researching what to be offended by next.

NC: And good news: you have the whole movie with them!

NC (vo): As the original owner of the park, Claire, played again by Bryce Dallas Howard, leads a group of Chevy "millenial" ads to lobby for the safety of the dinosaurs. But they get some bad news.

Senator Sherwood: (on TV) The committee has resolved not to recommend any legislative action regarding the de-extinct creatures on Isla Nublar.

NC: (as Sherwood) They said this was literally done just to shut Jeff Goldblum up.

(Somebody calls Claire on the phone)

NC (vo): So, as you can imagine, this is a real big blow to Claire- (Cut to a helicopter flying to a mansion in Northern California as a uplifting orchestral music plays) Or the music indicates things are good!

NC: (smiling) Who said this movie was tone-deaf?

(In the mansion, Claire meets Sir Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), John Hammond's former partner who is disabled and has to move in a wheelchair)

NC (vo): She's brought to John Hammond #2...that's honestly what he is. Didn't you know? John Hammond had a super-close business partner he never talked about in any of the other movies.

NC: And if, for some reason, you're confused as shit by that, don't worry!

(Lockwood's assistant, Eli Mills (Rafe Spall), greets Claire)

NC (vo): This incredibly forced exposition...oh, I mean, totally natural human talk, will clear things up.

(A montage of various points of Mills and Claire's conversation is shown)

Mills: We actually met once, seven-eight years ago, and you don't remember. / Hammond and Lockwood built custom lab in a sub-basement...

Claire: Haven't you run his foundations since...?

Mills: Since college. Yeah. / ...extracted the first DNA from amber, right beneath our feet. / He wanted someone young, and, uh, idealistic to spend his fortune. / (as Claire glances at Hammond's portrait) John Alfred Hammond. The father of Jurassic Park. But of course you know that.

NC (vo): Oh, my God.

NC: (throws hands) Did you really just spell out who John Hammond is? Like the audience is that stupid?

Mills: John Alfred Hammond. But of course you know that.

NC: (as Mills, the picture of a raptor appears) This is a dinosaur! But you already knew that. (A picture of the T-rex's jaws is shown) These are teeth! But you already knew that. (takes ouf a sheet of paper) This is paper! (waves it slowly to the camera) Paaaapeeeer! We're just talking how people normally talk. Paaaaper! This is how we normally talk.

NC (vo): Hammond's partner is Ben Lockwood, played by James Cromwell. By God, Babe: Pig in the City wasn't kind to him.

Lockwood: John said it best. These creatures don't need our protection. They need our absence. (As he speaks, Claire notices someone young upstairs, who runs off)

NC: This is why we're flying into anal fist nature once more.

NC (vo): Yep. He wants to save them and bring them to a new island to live in peace. Because all the other times we ever interferred with these bitches, it always turned out great.

Mills: (showing an electronic map of the island on the table) There was a tracking system in place at the park. Radio frequency ID chips in each dinosaur.

Claire: I remember.

NC: (as Mills) I know. We're establishing who bad the writing is.

Mills: There is one that poses a real challenge for us. (swipes to show a picture of a familiar Velociraptor) Blue is potentially the second most intelligent piece of life on this planet.

NC: (as Mills) We honestly should have let her write the screenplay.