How to Be a Pirate: Hats

Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer.

Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” [fade out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo] coming from Dead Skull’s Pub!

''We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera.''

Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard.

And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. [raises his glass and looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, lads? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me.

Today, on this special DVD episode, [leans out of shot to set his beer on the counter] we’re gonna be talking about… [leans back into shot and flicks his hat; thus, the caption on the bottom of the screen says:] HATS.

Now, a lot of beginners always ask, “What kind of hat defines me as a pirate?”

Well, something that ya may not know is that there’s actually a code to hats.

In fact, many pirates collect hats from the series of people that they slaughtered in the past!

[looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Miss Lindy?

Miss Lindy: Is there a cure for what’s wrong with you?

Bill: Go take that house off your sister!

[looks back at us] Not very intelligent, either.

Woman’s so stupid, she can’t even spell “IQ.”

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: “Black Dog Bill, do you collect a lot of hats?” Well, as a matter of fact, I do.

[shakes his finger at us] And every one of ‘em has a story about the person I slayed.

For example…

[has on a different pirate hat, this one with a skull-and-crossbones on it, like at a kid‘s party] I gathered this one after slaughtering the crew of the S.S. Birthday Cake.

[scoffs] What kind of a ridiculous name is that?

They claim that they were there for some kid’s birthday party, but I didn’t believe ‘em.

If it was a birthday party, why were all the children crying?

[looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Mr. Bloom?

Mr. Bloom: I‘ll pay for your funeral if you just die!.

Bill: Aaargh, look out! Ya almost said something intelligent there!

[looks back at us] I mean that; he’s an idiot.

Man’s so stupid, he thought an Indian burn was making fun of M. Night Shyamalan.

But heck with that, I got more hats ta show ya!

[now wearing a sombrero] This one I thought after slaughtering a mariachi band in France.

I never knew Mexicans were French.

I’m sure they had a story, but I didn’t let them tell it!

Arriba, Monsieur!

[wearing a top hat] I got this after slaughtering a person named Mr. Pennybags!

Only person I’ve ever seen to fight with a thimble.

[wearing a Christmas cap] This one I got from an especially strange pirate.

He had a great white beard and kept saying, “Yo! Ho! Ho!”

Except he kept confusing the first “Yo!” for “Ho!” He’s quite nuts!

He kept saying he was working for this Army of Salvation.

[scoffs] Some army. All he had was a bell.

That doesn’t make a very handy weapon against a sword. [laughs, then pauses] That means, I killed him.

Then he went on about this crazy connection between him and Baby Jesus. [waves his fingers in front of him] Totally crazy.

[looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Mr. Dill?

Mr. Dill: The circus is down the street!

Bill: Go boil your head in acid!

[looks back at us] Lousy freeloader.

Man’s so lazy, he uses a wheelchair on an escalator.

[wearing a purple, frayed wig] This one I got after slaughtering an army of the so-called anime nerds.

I wouldn’t mind, except a guy was wearing this.

[wearing a cowboy hat] This one I got after spending the night with the cowboys of Brokeback Mountain. [pauses and looks off-screen] Now, let’s never talk of that again.

''[wears an orange hat shaped like a safety cone that says: CAUTION! PARTY ANIMAL BELOW!]'' Uh, this one I got at a college dorm. Pretty drunk. Don’t remember it.

[wearing a blonde wig, he looks up at it] Uh, this was from a transvestite.

[wearing Chester A. Bum’s cap] Uh, some bum off the street.

[wearing rabbit ears, pauses] Ya don’t want ta know.

[regular hat] And that’s my fearsome hats collection. It is mighty if I do say so myself.

[looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Mr. Ford?

Mr. Ford: I’m tired. Can you just insult yourself for me?

Bill: Rest in the belly of a cannibal, ya jerk!

[looks back at us] Not entirely on the level, either.

Man’s so crazy, he thought food was a placebo.

Aargh, they act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Bloodbeard Joe.

Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! ''[when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and forth, addressing the crowd]''

Bill: What do ya say, lads? Shall I tell ya the tales of the greatest pirate who ever lived? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe is so cool that he created the Antarctic! [the patrons are pleased]

They say that it was Bloodbeard Joe who blessed Hugh Hefner with the ability to get ladies. [Woooow.]

It was Bloodbeard Joe who first slayed Dracula. [pauses] And then he allowed him to resurrect himself just so others could do the same! [Hooray!]

Bloodbeard Joe once got in a fight with Edward from Twilight. [pauses] And now, his body is being sold in every jewelry store around the world! [everyone laughs]

They say that Dr. Frankenstein once tried to build another Bloodbeard Joe himself. [pauses] But all he turned out creating was a carpenter named Jesus! [they shout]

Patron 1: That doesn’t make sense!

Bill: [looks off-screen right] I don‘t care!

They say that when mighty Thor was building his hammer that he used Bloodbeard Joe‘s sword as a reference. [they laugh]

They say that when Bloodbeard Joe wants to fight with a handicap, he puts on two eye patches… because one eye patch would still be unfair! ''[Hooray! Bill laughs forcibly for a seconds afterwards]''

Bloodbeard Joe‘s piss is so mighty… [looks at his beer, then at us briefly] I‘m drinking it right now! [Hooray!] And it cured my cancer! [they laugh; he raises his glass] Ah, that’s good piss. [takes a drink]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe won a Get Out of Hell Free card by playing poker with God… BLINDFOLDED! [Hooray!; he laughs afterwards]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe can outrun The Flash… BEFORE HE WAS BORN! [they shout]

Bloodbeard Joe is so awesome that his parrot destroyed 200 men simply by sneezing on them! [they shout] 

Patron 2: What was the parrot’s name?

Bill: [looks off-screen left and stammers] I-I-I don’t know. …Strange thing to ask.

So let‘s all raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”]

Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us] See ya soon. [takes another drink as the announcer speaks:]

Announcer: This was [we dissolve to the title card] “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh.

The title fades, and the credits and stinger roll.

THE END