Mr. Bungle's Lunch-Room Manners

That Guy Riffs

Mr. Bungle’s Lunchroom Manners

Written and Performed by Doug and Rob Walker

Note: FN stands for Film Narrator, aka, the narrator of the original Lunchroom Manners film. Also, usually, anything FN says is going on onscreen.

(That Guy Riffs title card)

Doug: Good evening, and welcome to That Guy Riffs. Today, The Other Guy joins That Guy again, as we take a look at a film about lunchroom manners, because…there was really nothing else to talk about back then. Sit back and enjoy…mmm, yes.

(Title Card: A Coronet Film)

Rob: Remember when you asked your kid what they did today and they said “nothing”? This is the nothing they’re talking about.

(Title Card: Beginning Responsibility - Lunchroom Manners)

Doug: Because it’s the 1950s, and we haven’t acknowledged that drugs exist yet!

(Title Card: Educational Collaborator – Ross L. Allen, Dr.P.H. Director of Education, Division of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, College of Education at Cortland State University, New York)

Doug: Millions of tax dollars and five PhD’s to tell you HOW TO EAT LUNCH.

(Scene fades in: Classroom full of children, a puppet theatre at the front)

FN: Just before lunch one day, a puppet show was put on at school. It was called “Mr. Bungle Goes to Lunch”.

Doug: This was not planned, and the children were terrified.

FN: It was fun to watch.

Doug and Rob: (monotone) Yaaaay.

FN: In the puppet show, Mr. Bungle came to the boys’ room.

Doug: Oh, it’s THAT kind of show.

Rob: If they’re gonna point to that puppet’s crotch at any point, I’m outta here.

FN: He looked at his hands. His hands were dirty.

Doug and Rob: (whispering) Dirty! FN: And his hair was messy.

Doug and Rob: (whispering) Messy!

FN: But Mr. Bungle didn’t stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch.

Doug: You FOOL, Mr. Bungle! You FOOL!

Rob: Oh God, he’ll kill us all!

FN: Then, instead of getting into line at the lunchroom, Mr. Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front.

Rob: (as Mr. Bungle pushes the stick-people aside) Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Happy Hanukkah.

FN: Even though this made the children laugh, nobody thought that was the fair thing to do.

Doug: (as puppeteer) Stop laughing, goddamnit! I’m a serious puppeteer!

FN: Then, in the lunchroom, Mr. Bungle was so clumsy and impolite that he knocked over everything, and no one wanted to sit next to him.

Doug: (as Mr. Bungle) Aw, this is the worst Last Supper ever!

FN: And when he finally knocked his own tray off the table, that was the end of the puppet show.

Rob: For the puppeteer had died.

FN: The children knew that even though Mr. Bungle was funny to watch, he wouldn’t be much fun to eat with.

(Zoom in a boy clapping overenthusiastically. Doug and Rob stifle laughter.)

FN: Phil knew that Mr. Bungle wouldn’t have many friends. He wouldn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Doug: Phil was having a spasmodic attack!

FN: Later, Miss Brown said it was time for the children who ate in the cafeteria to go to lunch. She hoped there weren’t any Mr. Bungles in this room.

Doug: (as Miss Brown) Susie, you have Bungle written all over you! (pauses) …Apparently the kids took a vow of silence!

FN: Phil stopped to return a book to Miss Brown while his friends went on to the lunchroom. He would have to catch up with them later.

Rob: Phil realized that this was an incredibly pointless scene and should have been edited out.

FN: On his way to catch up with his friends, Phil almost walked past the boys’ room, but he stopped and thought. Were his hands clean? No, they were a little dirty.

Doug: (whispering) And bloody.

FN: Phil remembered that Mr. Bungle didn’t wash his hands. Mr. Bungle’s hair was messy, too. Phil didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Doug: Thus a young Larry Craig begins his descent.

FN: Inside the boys’ room, Phil was surprised to see some of his friends washing their hands, too.

Doug: In the urinal, for some reason.

FN: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap.

Doug: (upon seeing how much soap Phil uses) God, kid!

Rob: Jesus! Howard Hughes didn’t use that much!

FN: Then he rinsed the soap off.

Doug: (as Phil) Dirty! Dirty! I’m a dirty little boy! Now somebody wash my crotch!

FN: Phil dried his hands well, too. When he was finished, he threw the paper towel in the basket where it belonged, and then he made sure his hair looked neat.

Doug: What hair?!

Rob: Charlie Brown had more hair than that!

FN: Now, Phil and his friends were ready for lunch.

Rob: His germ-free bubble was waiting for him in the hall!

Doug: (as the boy holding the door) Yeah, you’re welcome, bungholes!

FN: There was a line of children waiting to get into the lunchroom when Phil got there.

Doug: (as Phil) Fucking rush hour!

FN: He saw some boys he knew at the front of the line. They waved for him to go up to the front with them.

Rob: (as the boy at the front) Guard’s not looking. Do it! Do it now!

FN: But Phil didn’t want to break into line as Mr. Bungle did.

Doug: Thou shall not Bungle.

FN: So Phil went to the end. That was the fair thing to do. He would see his other friends inside the lunchroom.

Doug: (as Phil) If I don’t STARVE first!

FN: The line moved very fast, and soon Phil was inside. First, he picked up his tray.

Doug: And? AND?! My God, the suspense is killing me!

Rob: Will he ever get his lunch?!?

FN: Then, he got his silverware. He put his knife, fork, and spoon neatly on the tray.

Rob: That’s just OCD.

FN: And then he slid his tray along.

Doug: He began with his left foot, then his right foot, then his left foot, then his right foot.

FN: He always enjoyed looking at the good food in the cafeteria. It tasted good and was good for him, too.

Doug: He lost his tastebuds in the war.

FN: Instead of having a sandwich today, Phil decided to take the hot lunch.

Rob: Which was cold, because he didn’t cut in line.

FN: Phil took some bread and butter, too. And he knew what else he wanted – milk!

Doug: (upon seeing the little girl take her milk) Hey now!

Rob: Ooh la la!

FN: But Alice took the last carton on the tray.

Doug: (as Phil) Milk-scrounging whore!

FN: Maybe there was more milk. So he said, “May I please have some milk?”

Doug: (as the lunch lady) Yeah, that’s just what I wanna do is get you some milk, why don’t I throw a pile of mashed potatoes in your face, that’s got dairy in it! Goddamnit!

FN: Phil remembered to say “May I?” and “please?” That was very polite. Yes, there was more milk.

Doug: Um…rejoice?

FN: Phil remembered to say “Thank you” when he took the carton of milk.

Rob: (as the lunch lady) Like I care! Get outta here.

FN: Phil had good manners. He didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle in the lunchroom.

Rob: (as the lunch lady) I’m looking at you, Jimmy.

FN: Phil didn’t want to forget his dessert. The cake looked delicious.

Rob: (upon seeing the size of the cake) Damn!

Doug: Damn, kid, would you like some meal with your cake?!

FN: At the end of the line, the lunchroom supervisor said she had noticed how polite Phil was, and she smiled at him. She wouldn’t smile at a Mr. Bungle.

Doug: (as the supervisor) I’m not smiling at you, Bungle-breath!

FN: Phil went to the table where his friends were. He put his tray down carefully, pulled out his chair quietly, and sat down. He knew his friends wouldn’t like a noisy Mr. Bungle at their table.

Doug: The film seems very anti-Bungle.

FN: There was someone Phil liked – Freddie. He always brought his lunch from home. It looked good. Freddie had a sandwich, an apple, a cookie, and milk.

Rob: (on the cookie) And a small, spherical goat turd.

FN: Before Phil began to eat, he always put a napkin on his lap. So did Freddie.

Doug: (as Freddie) Oh, kill me!

FN: Everyone liked Freddie. He was very polite. For example, if he had food in his mouth when someone talked to him, he always took time to chew the food with his mouth closed and swallow before he answered.

Doug: (as Freddie) Yeah, the fire extinguisher’s over there.

FN: Phil noticed how straight and tall Freddie usually sat. Freddie kept his feet on the floor, too.

Rob: As opposed to up Phil’s ass.

FN: Phil would rather be like Freddie than like Mr. Bungle.

Doug: GOT IT!

FN: Another polite person everyone liked was Alice. For example, when she sneezed, she covered her mouth and nose.

Doug and Rob: (upon seeing Alice sneeze into her napkin and put it right back on her lap) Ewwwww!

FN: This protected her friends at the table from any germs.

Doug: Now they’re all in her lap!

FN: While Phil and his friends ate, a boy ran past their table. You shouldn’t run in the lunchroom. Only Mr. Bungle would do that.

Rob: CRUCIFY THE BUNGLER!

Doug: Hang him by his unclean hands!

FN: Phil and his friends wouldn’t like to have a Mr. Bungle at their table. Then lunchtime wouldn’t be as much fun as it is.

Doug and Rob: (monotone) Wheeee.

FN: Phil ate slowly and enjoyed his lunch. Finally, he had eaten everything except his dessert.

Rob: Which would take him an hour.

FN: He saved his cake for last. Only a Mr. Bungle would eat his dessert before he’d finished the rest of his lunch. And Phil wasn’t a Mr. Bungle.

Doug: Oh! He put his hands on the cake!

Doug and Rob: Crucify him! Crucify him!

FN: The cake was good. Phil drank his milk carefully. Some children are messy when they drink milk.

Doug: Only He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named drinks milk sloppily.

FN: As each of Phil’s friends finished, they didn’t leave the table, but waited for all the others to finish eating too.

Rob: Even though the bell rang ten minutes ago.

FN: Phil was the last one done. He wiped his mouth and hands carefully with his napkin. Then he cleaned the table where he sat. He didn’t want to leave his place at the table dirty.

Doug: (as Phil) I’m not a Bungle, I’m not a Bungle!

FN: Everyone at the table cleaned his own place well. But look at that table!

Rob: I smell a Bungle.

FN: It was left very messy. (Doug and Rob gasp.) Phil thought a Mr. Bungle must have sat there.

Doug: Mr. Bungle seems to be the Judas of the puppet world.

FN: But Phil didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Doug: (as Phil) I’d rather DIE!

FN: So he put his chair neatly into place, and his table looked fine.

Rob: He licked it clean himself.

FN: Not a piece of paper or a scrap of food was left on it.

Doug: Mr. Bungle would leave a pink cigarette on the bed before he left.

FN: No Mr. Bungle sat here.

Rob: (as Mr. Bungle) Actually, I’m under the table.

FN: Phil’s friends were careful to put their wastepapers and empty milk cartons where they belonged. In this way, they helped keep the lunchroom clean.

Rob: And it plugged up yet another landfill.

FN: Phil was certain that Mr. Bungle wouldn’t put his paper in the wastebasket, and his empty carton on the milk tray. Mr. Bungle probably wouldn’t bother to put his lunch tray in the right place, either, but Phil and his friends did.

Doug: Fuck Mr. Bungle! Fuck him in the ass!

FN: Lunch was good today.

Doug: (as Phil) Bungle, Bungle, Bungle, Bungle, Bungle!

FN: And then Miss Brown told Phil and his friends how proud she was of them. They had left their table the neatest in the lunchroom. No one here was a Mr. Bungle, and no one wanted to be!

Doug: (as Miss Brown) Except for you, Susie! Goddamnit.

FN: Are you like Mr. Bungle? Mr. Bungle is ashamed, because he spoils lunchtime.

Doug: (as Mr. Bungle) What did I ever do to you?

FN: Don’t be like Mr. Bungle. Have good lunchtime manners, and lunch will be more fun for everyone!

Rob: (as Mr. Bungle) Seriously! What did I do? Was the burnt cross in my yard really necessary? And why was it made of milk cartons? What is your deal?! I will not slip quietly into the night! COWAAAARDS! COWAAAAAARDS!