The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2013

Introduction
Todd plays "The Monster" by Eminem ft. Rihanna on the piano

THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2013 A year-end retrospective

He mashes the keys and lays his head down

Kyle: [pulling head up from book] Todd? You okay?

Todd: [clearly not] Yeah, I'm fine.

Oancitizen: Were you going to do your Top Ten list?

Todd: Maybe...no...I don't wanna. I hated this year so much. It was just so bad.

Oancitizen: Well, that doesn't mean there weren't good things about this year, too.

Todd: I guess.

Oancitizen: You can do this. You just need to get up, [Todd is about to drink] find your positivity and... [Todd starts opening a bottle of bourbon] oh, dear.

Paw: [plopping down on the couch] Hey, what's wrong with Todd?

Oancitizen: He's drinking again.

Todd takes a drink

Paw: That's not good. We're still cleaning out the vomit from July.

Elisa Hansen: [offstage] Hey, what's going on?

Paw: Todd's off the wagon again.

Elisa: Let me talk to him.

Elisa sits down

Todd: Fall Out Boy fans...

Elisa: Hey, Todd, I know you've been depressed lately about your work, but you've still got your friends, and your fans [A guy pops up behind couch with a knife], and everyone's been really looking forward to your... wait, is that our bourbon? [Gasps] You stole our alcohol again?! You still haven't replaced all the Captain Morgan you took last time! [Todd takes another drink] Damn it, you...you mooch! I can't believe you! This is the last time you're ever invited to any of our...

Paw: [to Oancitizen] Kyle, you'd better handle this.

Kyle: Uh, Todd, I know you said that you didn't like this year very much, and I know you don't want to sit there and just praise songs that weren't very good.

Todd: [drunk, putting bottle down] No, they're good...probably better than last year's even.

Kyle: [Paw peering in from side] Well, see? There you go! You did more positive reviews this year than I've ever seen you do; that's half your list right there.

Todd: Actually, some of those songs didn't even make the list.

Kyle: [Paw peering in from side] Well, see? There you go! You did more positive reviews this year than I've ever seen you do; that's half your list right there.

Todd: Yeah! Yeah, you're right. You're right, this year had plenty of good music, I'm just whining. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna talk about the pop music I love. I'm go...give me a second.

''Todd falls out of his chair, out of camera, and vomits. Kyle is about to say something, but thinks better of it and goes back to reading The Disaster Artist. Todd is still puking...

One hangover later...

Todd comes back to his post

Let's do this!

#THE #TOP #TEN #HIT SONGS #OF #2013

Brief pictures of Macklemore, Lorde, Adam Levine, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Timberlake, serving as the interlude throughout the countdown

#10
Todd (VO): #10.

Todd: I have lived in Virginia most of my life, but pretty recently, I've moved up north, and...how can you people stand it?!


 * News footage of the massive snow storm

Todd (VO): It is butt-cold up here! And also butt-windy. It is cold and windy as a butt! As far as I'm concerned, the only reason people should be living anywhere further north than Atlantic City...

Todd: ...is because they're trapped there by a giant wall that [brief clip from Game of Thrones] keeps out the wild things and White Walkers!

It's been an adjustment. But I'll tell you one song that has made living in the frozen North a little easier.

#10. The Neighbourhood - "Sweater Weather"
 * Jesse Rutherford: All I am is a man

Todd (VO): Yes, thank you, indie upstarts, The Neighbourhood, this year's winner of the Fluke Indie Hit Sweepstakes.


 * Jesse: Use the sleeves of my sweater
 * Let's have an adventure

Todd (VO): Whenever I think that this bitter, nasty cold is the worst thing that ever happened on Earth, their song "Sweater Weather" always jumps into my head to remind me of...

Todd: ...the one good thing about the cold. [Picks up Kali] You can put a sweater on your dog. Aw, who wears a little sweater? Oh, who's so cute? Who's so cute? Who's a good puppy?

Todd (VO): No, I think this song is about sex, actually.


 * Jesse: One love, one house
 * No shirt, no blouse

Todd: I mean, just a guess.

Todd (VO): And I gotta say, this song has done more to make cold weather attractive than a billion "Let It Snow"s or "Baby, It's Cold Outside"s.

Todd: Of course, anything is more attractive than [cover of Dean Martin's...] "Baby, It's Cold Outside", the original "Blurred Lines".


 * Jesse: 'Cause it's too cold

Todd (VO): And it's nice to hear these guys bring some rockstar swagger into the world of scrawny hipster indie rock.


 * Jesse: Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Todd (VO): I mean, did you ever hear Foster the People sound like they were getting any?

Todd: The closest were [picture of...] Neon Trees, and they were nowhere near as convincing as these guys.

Todd (VO): This would be higher on the list, except at the end, there's this...

Todd: ...inexplicable slow part, which...


 * Slow part at end

Todd (VO): ...I'm honestly not sure was a good idea. Kinda kills the vibe. I don't know, does this part represent the hypothermia getting to them as they fall asleep and die?


 * Jesse: 'Cause it's too cold

Todd (VO): Yeah, despite some minor misgivings, this song's still pretty great.

Todd: Now we just need a song about hoodie weather, and I'll be the coolest kid in school.


 * Jesse: It's too cold
 * It's too cold
 * The holes of my sweater

Interlude