Captain Planet (Reimu)

This is part of the Reimu Series fanfiction.

Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it because YOU don't! One of the worst imported shows I watched growing up besides Barney was Captain Planet and the Planeteers.

Footage of the show begins

Reimu (voiceover): It was a Hanna-Barbera production aired from 1990 to 1997. For me, I started watching in 1996 and may have seen all the episodes by the time our local station in Gensokyo stopped airing it, in 1998.

''Reimu makes a "What?" face''

Reimu: Cut me some slack. I was only 8 to 10, after all.

Back to footage

Reimu (voiceover): And while other Hanna-Barbera productions I've seen in the past look GREAT, Captain Planet looks like CRAP. In fact, I once saw someone call it an anime when it's FAR from one, and FAR from being animesque like most of H-B's action cartoons from this era.

When Reimu says H-B, we cut to the Hanna-Barbera "Swirling Star" logo from 1979-1998, afterwards, back to Captain Planet footage

Reimu (voiceover): Why did we keep watching it?

Reimu: WE DON'T KNOW.

Footage

Reimu (voiceover): So the show's about these five kids who receive some Power Rings from a goddess named Gaia, and when they combine their powers they get from the rings, out from nowhere pops a blue guy... (picture of Doraemon briefly appears) NO, NOT THAT ONE! (Doraemon picture disappears) named Captain Planet. And the moral of the show? DON'T FUCKING POLLUTE, SAVE THE GODDAMN EARTH. The five kids are Wheeler, who looks like (picture of) Joey Wheeler from Yu-Gi-Oh; Gi, who was always my favorite and you know why; Linkha, whose name sounds similar to someone I know; Ma-Ti, who I know in real life; and (in imitation of "DUANE!" from Barbie Dance Club) KWAME! Who's an unattractive black guy. Trust me, I know sexy black guys when I see them.

Kwame: Our world is in peril. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. She sends five magic rings to five special young people. When the five powers combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion, Captain Planet.

(IMDB shows up, and shows that LeVar Burton voices Kwame)

Reimu (voiceover): Oh god, it's LeVar Burton! (dun dun dun cue plays, then cue Reading Rainbow theme song)

Footage of Star Trek bloopers on Reading Rainbow starts playing

Reimu (voiceover): It's the unattractive black guy who hosted the boring Reading Rainbow! How did I not catch this as a child?

Michael Dorn facepalms

Parody of Reading Rainbow theme ft. DMX starts

Singer: Butterfly in the sky...

DMX: COME ON!

Reimu: And the first episode I chose to review today has to do with Kwame. ...I hate myself. You know who on this show I found sexy? MAL.

Footage of a season 2 Captain Planet episode, showing MAL (Tim Curry) taunting the Planeteers

MAL: (singing) Planeteers in the power room! Planeteers in the power room!

Reimu: Ha ha, yeah. Let's survive this trainwreck together, shall we? The power is yours! Let's go right into "An Inside Job."

Reimu (voiceover): She used to be voiced by (picture of) Meg Ryan.

The More You Know plays, back to episode

Reading Rainbow theme starts playing.

Reimu (voiceover): No! I DON'T WANNA READ ANY DUMB BOOKS! READING SUCKS!

She substitutes the DMX version for the original theme

Reimu: You know what idea might be crazy enough to work? If I mentally replaced Kwame with Cyborg. Voiced by Bumper Robinson.

She does so

Reimu: IT'S WORKING, HOLY SHIT!

Reimu (voiceover): Dumb ass Titan. Why did you drink that? How did you survive drinking that? How DUMB do you have to be to not notice your canteen doesn't look normal?

Cut to Reimu

Reimu: Come on, Cyborg! You can do better than this! You are scientifically apt! How high do you have to be to drink that? It's...

The words appear in front of her

Reimu: POLLUTED WATER!

The words shake around while pictures flash behind her, zooming in on her face briefly

Reimu (voiceover): Yeah, I picked this one because they go inside a black guy, which to me parallels how many times times Cyborg has been gone inside of.

Footage of Cyborg in The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians, his voice dubbed by Reimu

Reimu!Cyborg: Please let this be a normal field trip...

Cue Reading Rainbow ft. DMX

DMX: HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Reimu is sleeping

Reimu: (wakes up) Here's the next episode I'm gonna review, it's called "A Formula for Hate." You're gonna see why I chose to review this one. Have fun!

The intro to the episode plays

Todd: AIDS?

Reimu gives a confused smile at the camera

Reimu: A kids' show talking about AIDS? OK, I get that they're trying to be brave and attempt a message kids should definitely learn about, but... the target audience is illegal! HIV can only be contracted by people 18 and over, and if anyone under 18 has it, you should really have the police on speed dial.

Doctor: You tested positive for the HIV virus.

Reimu (voiceover): Actually, how old is Cyborg again? 18? All right. I'm down with Cyborg ending up with an HIV rash and AIDS.

She does the boner finger, only to be "BOO"'d by the crowd

Reimu (voiceover): I-I'm going to jail...

Verminous Scumm: Once we let people know the kid has AIDS, we can panic the whole town! See when people panic, they don't think. If they don't think, they stay stupid about AIDS and it gets spread. Once it spreads far enough, WE take over the Earth!

Reimu: But AIDS can't be spread by contact. No, no! That's cooties!

Poster for Cooties starring Elijah Wood appears

Reimu: No, Elijah Wood, you don't turn into a zombie, you just turn green and throw up. Anyway!

Back to episode

Doctor: There are only a few ways to contract the virus: using drugs with needles, unprotected sex-

Reimu: (spittakes) SEX! AHAHAHAHA!

Doctor: Or he could've gotten it from that blood transfusion he had a few years back.

Reimu (voiceover): Ohhhhhhhhh.

Todd: Who cares how I got it? It stinks!

Reimu: I'm imagining Cyborg instead of this Todd guy, people.

Todd: Nothin' to say. It's all over.

Reimu: Yep. Cyborg, keep up the pessimism. You are right with a capital R.

Todd: Coach! I've got AIDS.

Reimu: I know you do, Cyborg.

Todd: You probably won't even let me play in the big game.

Reimu: I thought you couldn't after you became Cyborg.

Verminous Scumm: Did ya hear about Todd Andrews? (whispers unintelligibly)

Reimu (voiceover, as Scumm): Some shrine maiden is imagining him as a black half human, half robot!

Captain Planet: I think these people need a little education about the HIV virus. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

Reimu (voiceover, as Captain Planet) I AM SHOUTING FOR NO REASON.

Captain Planet: A lot of you are worried about AIDS. Give 'em the facts, Coach.

Coach: You can't get AIDS from casual contact.

Reimu (voiceover): WE KNOW THAT.

Coach: He's the same kid who played his heart out for you right here on this court last week!

Reimu: And he's the same kid who's gonna get real itchy soon. Only he's gonna be black, be half robot, and his name is gonna be Cyborg.

Captain Planet: Deal with the real, people! Get the facts! The power is yours!

Reimu: I don't wanna!

Coach: So what are you gonna do? Turn your back on him? Or give him the chance he deserves?

Reimu: Turn your back on him! Yay!

The episode ends

Reimu: And that's it. God, I hate this show. Oh, by the way, if I want to see a good show about reading, I'll just watch Looks at Books.

Footage of an old Saturday Night Live episode from 1975 with Jane Curtin hosting the segment "Looks at Books"

Reimu: I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it because you don't.

''Credits. During the credits, a piece of text reads "I can't wait to see Ma-Ti and Kwame battle it out for who has the best guest appearance on TGWTG."''