This Is All YOUR Fault (Again)

(We start off at Nash's desk where he'd normally be, but he isn't there. Stick Boy comes in and looks around before getting mad and walking over to another door, knocking on it. Nash sticks his head out)

Nash: I'm over there! (pointing at his desk. Stick Boy walks away and then realizes what just happened, gets mad and then walks back over to knock on the door) Okay, no. Not only no, but fuck no. I am not doing this episode. Fuck that! And there's nothing you can do that will change my mind! (Stick Boy pulls out a gun and fires, making Nash leave the room he was in) Oh look, my mind, it changed. (he says as he walks back to his desk)

Nash: (muttering) Fucking sonova... (and he sits down) Hi, everyone! So, yet another new episode this week, and...you know, it's not that good of an episode, uh, really, um... we could probably just skip this one enti--(Stick Boy cocks his gun offscreen) All right, all right. It's time for viewer submissions! God help us all!

(Cue the opening sequence)

Nash: Hey kids, I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried! Yes, it's that time again. It's the time where I'm bombarded by horrors, assailed by abominations, and showered in sheer madness. No, it's not the next Transformers film. It's the Viewer Submission Episode. It's the time where I go through all the wretched things that you, the audience, have seen fit to torment me with, and present you with the very best of the very worst. And trust me, when I close my eyes to sleep and still see the depravity dancing in my eyelids, I will remember your names! Count on it! Now, this is normally the point in the episode where I give you a brief history of the topic we're covering, but that doesn't apply here. That being said, here's another Great Moment in Stupid History. For those of you who read Dave Barry or have been around the internet since days of old, you'll be familiar with this story. The rest of you, brace yourselves.

(We cut to the animated segment for Great Moments In Stupid History, starting with a picture of a beach)

Nash (vo): Once upon a time in 1970, people visiting the beaches of Florence, Oregon, found something special: (a whale drops into the picture, X's in its eyes) Andead, 8-ton sperm whale. Now in a full show of buerocracy at it's best, (Stick Boy in a hard hat) because it was a dead animal, responsibility fell to the Oregon Highway Division, (Stick Boy raises an eyebrow, followed by a picture of a poster of a whale showing the anatomy) because a gigantic, dead sea mammal was exactly like a (picture of damaged road) damaged stretch of asphalt, (followed by a picture of a dump truck about to jacknife into a telephone pole) or a wrecked car. (cut to Stick Boy and the whale on the beach) Regardless, engineers thought long and hard about how to solve the problem before hitting on the solution. (Stick Boy gets a light bulb over his head, followed by the whale surrounded by TNT) They would stuff half a ton of dynamite under the whale, and blow it the fuck up. No, I'm serious. (cut to pictures of crowds) It gets better. Turns out the idea of a whale getting blown to hell was so intriguing, spectators lined up to witness the whole thing, complete with lawn chairs (picture of one), beach blankets (picture of one as well), and presumably a whole lotta beer (beer is shown). This was the fact when (a picture of a fat guy with a beer hat on his head) "hey y'all, watch this" jumped the shark. (Stick Boy gives him a confused look) Oh, don't look at me like that. What, you doubt me?

Stick Boy: (In a word? Yes.)

Nash (vo): Well, that's okay, because it was all captured on tape. (footage of the dead whale being stuffed with TNT is shown) I now present to you what Dave Barry once dubbed, quote, "The most wonderful event in the history of the universe." Half a ton of dynamite, and an 8-ton dead whale.

(A shot is shown of the dead whale exploding, with people cheering in the background, followed by sounds of pieces of the whale falling)

Nash (vo) Those splatting sounds you heard are humongous pieces of dead whale raining down on the people who had gathered to view this glorious idiocy. (shots of broken car windows, as well as a broken car, are shown) And it didn't just rain down on the people. One car a full quarter of a mile away was destroyed by bits of ex-whale. What were the results? Well, not only did they have chunks of blubber coating everything and everyone, they still had four tons of whale the dynamite didn't blow up. (the whale carcass is shown) There are two lessons to be learned. (cut back to Stick Boy) One, do not dispose of corpses with dynamite. (a whistling sound is heard) And two, never pull a fucking gun on me. (Stick Boy looks up and does the Wilhelm scream before getting splatted by a bit of whale) Asshole.

Nash: Vengeance is a dish best served exploded. All right, we might as well get started with this hellishness. Let's see here. (he takes out his smartphone and presses buttons to bring up the first story) Ah, our first story comes from Ireland, where the mayor of Belfast learned a lesson they don't teach you on Sesame Street: don't jump your fruit.

(The report is shown titled "Please Don't Hurdle The Fruit: Belfast Mayor Leaps Woman Dressed As Tomato, Knees Her In Head")

Nash (vo): Apparently during a local food faire, the mayor attempted to leapfrog over a woman dress as a tomato, but ended up clocking her in the head so hard she ended up with a slipped disk. Maybe... maybe he thought it was trying to eat him?

(Scenes from the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes" is shown)

Nash: (he ponders it for a bit, then comes back) No. Back to the story. If this event were any more incomprehensible, it could run for Congress. I mean, just picture it happening in your head. The mayor of your town just tried to up and hurdle over a woman, dressed as a tomato, while kicking her in the head. You'd be looking around for Ashton Kutcher, or you'd be dialing 911 in the fear you were having a stroke. Let's see what's next. (he presses some buttons on his phone again) Oh, Florida story. What a shocker. A man discovered that yard sales have amazing things: vintage clothes, classic fender tube amps, and of course, human remains. (and he facepalms)

(The report is titled "Yard Sale Skeleton Turns Out to be $3,000 Real Thing")

Nash (vo): Mitchell Fletcher thought he was getting a good deal on a Halloween decoration when he bought a box of bones for $8, but in the weirdest moment in Antiques Roadshow history, Fletcher quickly discovered he bought something that used to be a person. How the hell does that happen?

Nash: (holding a skull) Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. Should get about eight bucks for him. Put a sticker on it.

(back to the story)

Nash (vo): The good news is this wasn't a murder victim. It was an anatomical skeleton of someone who had presumably donated his body to science. Even so, this guy's probably in the afterlife probably really pissed off that his bones sold for less than a meal at Pizza Hut.

Nash: Okay, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure there's a difference between plastic and actual bone. You see, plastic tends to be lightweight, fairly durable, kind of flexible, and most importantly, does not come out of a human being! Next time you're just gonna dump something in a yard sale, you might wanna get someone else who's not a moron to give your inventory a quick looksie. Of course, when dealing with dead bodies, always remember...

(A clip of Mazes & Monsters is shown)

Robbie Wheeling (played by Tom Hanks): Beware the sacrilege!

Nash: Yeah, that line still doesn't make any sense. Okay, these are the tame ones, people. Beyond this point, abandon all hope. Our next story was sent in by several of you and... this is the stuff of idiot legend.

(The report is titled "Mummified Corpse in Woman's Car ID'd as Missing Laguna Hills Woman")

Nash (vo): From Costa Mesa, California, a horrible smell led police to discover the body of a homeless woman in a car, but that's not the crazy part. It's that the owner of the car had allowed the woman to sleep there, but after the woman died, the car's owner kept driving around with the corpse. For 10 months.

Nash: That is NOT how you deal with finding a dead body in your car! THIS is how you deal with finding a dead body in your car!

(Cut to a clip from National Lampoon's Vacation where Aunt Edna's died)

Clark Griswold (played by Chevy Chase): She's fine! Don't be silly.

Ellen Griswold (played by Beverly D'Angelo): She's not fine, Clark! She's dead!

(Clark pulls right the hell over and the family gets out)

Clark: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we can call your cousin Normie, and he could come get her, I guess.

Nash: WHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHYOU!? I mean, wow! Wow, how do you do that? How do you hop in the car one day, notice there's a corpse, and then just shrug it and head on through the drive-thru? Oh, but it gets worse. You see, the woman claims she did notice the smell, because sometimes, her father would pee in the back seat! Because what kind of daughter would let her father piss in the street? No! You do not...DO THIS!! If you are not directly responsible for the death of someone, you call the police! At the very least, you get the damn body out of your car! Lady, trust me. There are easier ways to drive in the carpool lane! Next, (he reaches for his phone) longtime fans will remember we did an entire episode devoted to putting your junk where it doesn't belong. Some of those fans sent me this next story, for which I wish you unrending torment.

(The report is titled "Auto Erotica: Man Gets Hot n' Heavy With Chevy In Seward Park")

Nash (vo): From Seattle, Washington, a man decided to take his car out for a leisurely spin. He also took along enough PCP to choke a horse, and much like Roger Taylor, he was in love with his car. The end result was a wreck, a sudden lack of clothing, and a bizarre attempt to put his dick in a sedan. Don't do drugs, kids!

Nash: Of all the...wait a second, cut back to that story.

(One of the lines is highlighted: "From the we-couldn't-make-this-stuff-up-if-we-tried files")

Nash (vo): Oh you sons of a motherless goat. Stop stealing my material!

Nash: Right then, where were we? Oh right, making the Baby Jesus cry. What in the Magical World of Disney is wrong with you!? No matter how much you may try, no matter how much you may want it, you cannot...have sex...with an automobile! Where would you even...I mean, how would you... I hate that you make me try to figure out how that would work! Having carnal relations with a car is wrong!

(And cut to an older episode of WTFIWWY where Nash was licking a toy car suggestively, shutting him up)

Nash: You win this round, internet. Now I know a good deal of you are already asking how I could possibly top that. The people who sent in the next story already know. They know very well...and I hate them.

(The report is titled "Student's bizarre attack on Hell's Angels")

Nash (vo): I'm just gonna read the first line of this story: "A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria when he 'mooned' a group of Hell's Angels, hurled a puppy at them and then escaped on a bulldozer." I'm...I'm gonna let Dean Venture respond to this one.

(Cut to a clip of the Venture Brothers)

Dean Venture: I dare you to make less sense!

Nash: What in the fuckity fuck fuck is wrong with you!? Of all the ways to engage in combat with a bunch of bikers, this is probably less effective than doing a little dance!

(Now we see the scene in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure where Pee-Wee dances on the bar to "Tequila")

Nash: Okay, this is definitely less effective than doing a little dance. What in the hell, man!? This sequence of events alone are enough to turn my frontal lobe into tapioca! Let's, let's break it down. One: showing a biker your ass is akin to showing Spoony a Highlander sequel. Number two: bulldozers, while imposing, are not gonna outrun a Hell's Angel on a Harley, and three, most importantly...puppies do not make good ordinance! Here, watch! (he pulls out a puppy doll that yips as he tosses it off screen) See? Now-- (a boom is hear) Oh shit! (the picture goes to a test screen, then back to Nash walking to his chair, coughing) Goddamn! Why does shit keep exploding around here? I'm scared the next soda I open is gonna herald global thermonuclear war! Well, I did it. I survived. I got through all the stories and I'm still here, and there's nothing left you can do to me that will--!

(As if tempting fate, a story pops up titled "Woman Kills Boyfriend By Sitting on Him, But Mia Landingham Isn't Going To Jail")

Nash: (in a rather scary voice) FUCK YOU ALL!! Kay, you wanna play it like that, do you? Fine, we can play it like that! You send me horrors unspeakable, I sent YOU horrors unspeakable! (he reaches for his phone and pokes some buttons) Let's see here...Google Search... (he gets a wicked grin on his face and laughs) [editor's note: I'm just typing it as I hear it] Gsha, rnda'dbalha, kndaoula, fhtagn cthulhu, rtah jnassa! Ia! Ia! Ia! (a little cartoon Cthulhu pops up in the corner chittering away) Huh? What the...? Oh, in the Latin, jnassa begins with an "I".Oh crap, what am I gonna do with this thing? Not exactly gonna strike horror into the hearts of men. It's a cute little bugger, though. (baby talk) Aren't you? Aren't you a cute little elder god and destroyer of worlds? (mini-Cthulu's getting angry) Yes you are! Yes you are! (now it's eyes are red and it's growling quite evilly) Yes you--(normal voice) uh-oh!

(Cut to outside of Nash's house where a green glow is shown in one of the windows)

Nash (vo): Okay, can we talk about this? Oh! (loud thuds and crashes are heard while Nash curses at the mini-Cthulhu) That's a no-no place! Motherfucker, I will get--!

(And we cut to a technical difficulties screen with a cartoon Nash saying "We are experiencing techical difficulties. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up." before going back to Nash who's covered in dripping goo that can be presumed to come from mini-Cthulhu)

Nash: This has happened to me more often than it should in any one lifetime. (Stick Boy walks in, having a bit of a thousand yard stare) How you doing there, Stick Boy? (and he falls over, mind most likely eaten by horrors undescribable) Yeah, that's all for this week. This is Nash saying, (he spits out some of the goo) if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.

(and now we come to the credits, the last song being Queen's "I'm In Love With My Car". The last quip of the episode is "No whales were harmed in the making of this episode. Totally fucked up a bowl of petunias, though.")

Dean Venture: I dare you to make less sense.