Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie (NC)

(We do the Channel Awesome and the Nostalgia Critic 2018 intro before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Sonic the Hedgehog. (His phone rings and he checks it) I'm required to say... "Before DeviantArt?" (A crowd groans at him)

NC (vo): The iconic Sega Genesis character not only had several hit games in the 90s, but also 2 successful TV shows both on at the same time. It was like having Batman: The Animated Series, and Batman the 60s show both on simultaneously. It was strange, but kinda cool. As the years went on though, Sonic gradually slipped, making clumsy games with clumsy storylines. What, you didn’t want to see Sonic turn into a werewolf, or make out with Final Fantasy foldouts?

(His phone rings again, and he checks it again)

NC: Oh, some of you didn’t. (Looks at phone again) I’m also required again to say that there is no Deviantart in this video. (Critic’s phone beeps numerous amounts of times after that) Why do I suddenly have 10 emails of inflated Sonics!?

NC (vo): Despite this, or maybe in light of this, Sonic has grown a very large fanbase online. His reputation is, odd to say the least. But, just because I don’t understand something, doesn’t mean it’s bad. And I’m going to take a wild guess and say that there are stranger things online.

(Once again, his phone rings, and Critic checks it)

NC: Why shouldn’t I Google Kaa from The Jungle Book. I see no reason why not- OH GOD! Okay, we’re getting off topic!

NC (vo): My point is people have been asking me to review Sonic media for years, but all I’ve gotten up to is the Sonic SatAM show, and I haven’t really seen any of the new shows or played many of the new games after that.

NC: But someone brought up that there was a Sonic Movie! (Sonic 2019 Movie was shown) No not that one. (Sonic 2013 fan short was shown) Not that one either, thought I do hear the Forest Gun Soldier is very good in that. I’m talking about the Anime OVA.

(Title screen is shown)

NC (vo): Premiering in Japan in 1996, this got a video release in America in 1999. Though not even an hour long, all the advertisements clearly label it as the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. So, I guess it counts. Does it lure newcomers in the mix? Does it please diehard loyalists? Is there room for my fan character “Nosonic Critic?” (Sonic with Critic’s hat and red tie was shown)

NC: When in Rome(?). Let’s take a look at the Sonic the Hedgehog OVA Movie!

(We start with the SEGA logo showing)

NC (vo): Oh come on. They don’t even have the singers going:

Singers: SEEEGAAA!

NC: Although, I suppose if we updated it, it’d be:

NC: (as singers) Son of a Biiiiitch! (Sonic and Mario are shown with the Nintendo Switch logo)

NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Metal Sonic seems to have been built by Dr. Wily. I mean Robotnik. I mean Eggman. I mean-

NC: You know what, Dr. Wily! This is all just a furry version of Megaman! Think about it! Small blue hero (Sonic and Megaman) stops big mustache scientist (Dr. Eggman/Robotnik and Dr. Wily), who takes over robots (Animals in robot prisons, and the Robot Masters), has a dog (Tails and Rush) a girl (Amy and Roll), and a ton of sequels people hate (You choose). You laugh! I ponder!

NC (vo): We cut to Sonic who resides in…an area of activity. Where Tails, his sidekick/child/adult/fiction is off to use his surfboard.

Tails: Come on! You want to try it out?

Sonic: Not right now, thanks. Tails is just like a little kid playing with his new toy.

NC: (as Sonic) I bet a lot of you thought he was a little kid. Let me unconfuse this by explaining nothing.

NC (vo): Oh, and I mean nothing. There are no intros for anyone. We’re just supposed to know who everyone is, and what their characteristics are.

Owl Scientist: Hi Sonic! I have some news for you!

Sonic: Oh, not that old man again…

NC: I mean, owl scientists and rocket ships clearly explain themselves.

NC (vo): At the very least you could throw in some Looney Tunes introductions. Even something as little as this could help.

SONIC Franchisicus Clumsicus

TAILS Dumbassas Indistressas

(The rocket Tails and Owl Scientist was on is about to crash into a cliff, but Sonic curls up into a spin dash, and rushes on over to them, right as the rocket crashes into the cliff)

NC: Wow. Even shorter than I thought.

(Credits to one of the Sonic TV shows is shown)

NC (vo): No, Sonic saves the both of them, as the Owl Scientist lets Sonic know that he is needed.

Tails: Did you say that you had some urgent business?

Owl Scientist: Oh right. It’s a real emergency. You see, the President…

NC: Why do I feel like they came up with the Owl’s voice the same day they recorded it.

Owl Scientist: What are you talking about, Mr. Sonic? I know how to handle them.

NC: (As Producer offscreen) You’re recording the Owl Scientist, go!

NC: I thought I was just delivering blow!

NC: (As Producer offscreen) You’re a voice actor now! Go!

NC: Um… (Oldish voice) Hi, Sonic! I’m an Owl!

NC: (As Producer offscreen) Hmm, you’ve done this before.

NC: Question my life choices? Yes…

Sonic: He wants us to come to the presidential house right away!

Owl Scientist: Yes, that’s it! That’s it!

Sonic: You know, it might have been easier if you called to tell us that.

NC: (As Owl Scientist) I mean, do we have phones? We don’t seem to have clothes that cover our genitalia. Are we really just advanced nudists?

NC (vo): But either a drunk Teddy Roosevelt is president, or Robotnik has taken over.

NC (vo): (as Robotnik) Hi everybody!

NC (vo): (as Sonic and Tails) Hi Robotnik!

Robotnik: Please accept this small token of my gratitude.

Mr. President: Stop! Sonic, for the sake of my daughter, and everyone else, listen to him!

NC (vo): It seems Robotnik has the President and his daughter captured, which is usually the third act of a movie, and not usually the first couple minutes.

Robotnik: Now Sonic, I’ve got the upper hand. This is about the entire planet of Freedom, so you better do as I say!

NC: Ohh, so kidnapping the President was just an attention getter. Sonic must be a real asshole!

NC (vo): Actually I’m not too far off. Robotnik says he actually needs help because a robotic version of him took over his lair, and a generator of energy has to be stopped before it blows up the world. Our dickhead of a hero could care less.

Sonic: Forget about it! Why should I have to go around cleaning up your messes!

Robotnik: (getting a needle out) Fine! Don’t blame me when this happens!

(He stabs the hologram version of the planet, which blows up with a “BAN!”)

NC: I thought it was nice that they keep those dyslexic Batman sound effects at home.

Mr. President: Sonic, please do it!

NC (vo): We find out quickly though, that everyone is kind of a taint in this universe.

Sara: Sonic, I don’t care what happens to Robotnik or daddy, but please, just do this for the two of us.

NC: Wow. First thing, Bitch. Second thing, are you two an item now? They tried that in another game. The results were…ewwie.

(Sonic’s ending with Elise in Sonic 2006 is shown)

Sonic (Modern): Nice smile!

NC (vo): (as Elise) I’m working through things! Dark things…

NC (vo): Sonic agrees for, whatever disturb relationship he has with Sara, and Robotnik gives Tails a watch to get him to his lair.

Robotnik: Using the shortest and fastest route.

Tails: Thank you, Robotnik!

NC: (as Robotnik) Don’t thank me, just blow your nose! You sound like a constipated Simpson child!

Sonic: Tails, do you actually trust that ridiculous little gadget that Robotnik built to you?

Tails: But Dr. Robotnik is the only person who knows where Robotropolis is, so we have to use his navigator, and hope it works!

NC: Wow. That was probably the most anime line delivery this movie had yet.

NC (vo): (as Tails) I’m just going to say words until I run out of words, and that these words are going to stop being words, words.

Sonic: I guess so.

NC (vo): Confusingly, back with the President, the video game characters are playing video game characters.

Robotnik: Just give up! We’ve played a hundred times!

Sara: I’ll stop being your hostage.

Robotnik: Alright, start it again…

NC: Okay, one of us is an idiot…

NC (vo): We then cut back to Tails and Sonic. (Beat) Thank God we did that. Back to video games!

Sara: No, no! You beat me again!

(Suddenly, something crashes through the floor, and into the ceiling of the President’s office)

NC (vo): Apparently one of Robotnik’s pods drop in, and both Sara and Robotnik hop in.

(Sara and Robotnik both leave the office in the pod)

Mr. President: No! Come back, Sara!

(Mr. President yells, as one of the robot minions is shown holding up a sign that literally says, “Goodbye Sara!!” Critic stares at the sign, baffled)

NC: I just want to make sure…we are high right now, right?

NC (vo): Sonic and Tails come across some tough winds, and ends up crashing.

(Tail’s plane, the Tornado, crash lands onto the ground. Cut to the plane scene from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”)

Henry Jones: Nice landing.

Indiana Jones: Thanks.

NC (vo): They run through all the traps laid out for them, and free the animals inside the robots like in the game- (Sonic destroys a Crawlton, but no animal came out of the robot) Or, just disembowel them!

NC: We’ll just assume they used to be bad.

NC (vo): They get to Robotropolis, after crossing some ancient relics, indicating Sonic the Hedgehog takes place in our current future?

NC: Finally! The Adventure Time crossover we never knew we wanted, and will wish stayed that way!

Sonic: We should hurry!

(Lightning crackles, scaring Tails into holding onto Sonic)

Tails: AHHH! I’M AFRAID OF LIGHTNING!

NC (vo): (as Sonic) Hehe, Tails always act like a kid when there’s lightning. But, apparently he isn’t. I don’t know. (normal) But Metal Robotnik appears to try and stop them.

(Metal Robotnik phases in and out each time Lightning strikes, laughing evilly every time he phases in)

NC: (as Metal Robotnik) Well, I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m gonna do it again. (Laughs evilly) The levels, it works on so many of them.

Metal Robotnik: Come here! (He shoots at the two, as they take cover)

Sonic: We don’t have time to mess around with some robot!

NC: That’s, literally all you do. Does Sonic play Sonic games?

NC (vo): He [Metal Robotnik] grows a rocket pack, and…wings. (Critic stares baffled again) And tries to hunt them down.

Metal Robotnik: Don’t think you’re safe yet. I’m well aware that neither one of you can swim!

NC: (as Metal Robotnik) Or, maybe you can. You just play really anxiety-provoking music whenever you’re about to drown. (Sonic running through the underwater segment of Aquadic Ruins is shown, with the countdown ticking, accompanied with the infamous drowning music) My butthole still clenches every time I hear that!

(Sonic and Tails were about to sneak away from under the bridge, after fooling Metal Robotnik, but he caught on fast)

Metal Robotnik: You didn’t think I’d fall for a stupid trick like that, did you?

(Literally, he starts shooting glue projectiles at them from his ass, as Sonic and Tails run away)

NC: Okay, am I seeing that wrong, or is he shitting bullets on them? That must be some devilish Taco Bell you had earlier!

NC (vo): Metamucil: You’ll be shitting bullets for a week. He fires missiles as well to totally eradicate Sonic.

(Said missiles were chasing Sonic, ending with a gigantic explosion, engulfing the city)

Tails: There’s no way you’ve could have gotten rid of Sonic that easily with those missiles.

NC: Easily? The end of a cura(?) didn’t have an explosion that big! They would call him the blue blur because that’s what he would look like just standing there!

NC (vo): Sonic does survive for, reasons, and Knuckledile Dundee comes in to help out.

Knuckles: Sonic, grab a hold! (Knuckles grabs onto Sonic, and hurls him towards Metal Robotnik. Sonic was able to pierce through Metal Robotnik)

NC (vo): (as Metal Robotnik) Oh! My unborn child! Oh the robanity!

(Metal Robotnik is destroyed after that last attack)

NC (vo): Robotnik and Sara arrive though as Robotnik claims that Sonic has more to worry about.

Robotnik: He’ll have to fight something far more evil than Metal Robotnik.

(Sara then suddenly whacks Robotnik on the head, in anger)

Sara: What do you mean worse than Metal Robotnik? You better keep your hands off my Sonic, or I’ll never forgive you!

NC: Okay, does my Sonic mean hedgehog or hedge, cause either way, I’m very disturbed.

(We then go to commercial)