Land of the Rising DUMB

(We open with Nash typing on his laptop in his hotel room for MAGFest when JesuOtaku comes in. Nash feels she's watching him and looks over to her)

Nash: Hi...?

JO: Hi. Whatcha doing?

Nash: Trying to come up with a topic for my next episode. Wait, why are you in my hotel room?

JO: You think Channel Awesome's gonna spring for separate hotel rooms at a con? They got us stacked in here six deep.

Nash: Oh, wonderful. Wait, is that why Jew Wario was in the bathtub this morning?

(Cut to Nash doing his "business" in the bathroom when J-Dub opens the shower curtain, hair and body wrapped in towels)

JW: Morning!

Nash: (falls over) Jesus!

(back to Nash and JO)

JO: No...?

Nash: Look, love to chat, but this episode isn't gonna write itself.

JO: Come on, there's this enormous convention going on downstairs, you cannot stay up here working the entire time!

Nash: Unless you're aware of a magical land that cranks out crazy examples of mankind's folly on an hourly basis, this isn't getting done any time soon. (suddenly, a lightbulb clicks in Nash's head)

JO: (deadpan) Oh no.I cannot imagine wwhere this might be leading to.

Nash: Wait, you do anime reviews, right?

JO: (still deadpan) I wonder where this is going?

Nash: That's it, I'll do an entire episode about Japan!

JO: (deadpan still) My surprise cannot be contained. I'm bursting with astonishment.

Nash: And you're going to help me!

JO: (still deadpan) I may die from the sho-- (realizes what he just said) What?

(we cut to our opening sequence. after that, Nash is trying to keep JO in the room)

JO: No, no, no! You wanna murder your own soul, leave me out of this!

Nash: It was your idea!

JO: What kind of crazy, backwards logic is that anyway?

Nash: The...kind where I don't have to do this by myself? (giving her a nervous look)

JO: Goodbye!

Nash: No no no wait wait wait wait wait wait wait! You know Japan, you know anime and the pop culture, I need your perspective.

JO: And I need to not claw my own eyes out in a fit of madness!

Nash: Says the woman who reviewed Ikki Tousen, on purpose.

JO: Point.

Nash: Look, sooner I get this done, the sooner I can get downstairs and enjoy the convention. (praying) Please.

(JO thinks on it, then gives her answer)

JO: Okay, fine. But if I agree to do this, you have to promise to be on standby with a can of febreeze in case any of the fanboys try to touch me.

(Nash ponders her bargain, then answers)

Nash: Deal.

JO: Fine then. While the history of Japan comprises one of the oldest and most refined societies in the world, it also involves an era of culture shock so jarring, as to make Western social upheavals look like a flame war over which incarnation of Optimus Prime is most awesome.

Nash: As a result of this culture shock has led to Japan's two main exports: electronics, and sanity fracturing embolisms. Not following? Looks like this is the part where I elaborate. (puts his fist in the air) For great justice! (and JO gives him a dope slap as we go to our cartoon)

A Brief History of Modern Japan

Nash (vo): Japan's history stretches back for thousands of years, and it's a rich tapestry of social etiquette and feudal empires. The length and breadth of Japan's cultural heritage can, and does, fill more volumes than you can count.

JO (vo): But even for all it's culture, Japan's formal relations with the outside world was limited to China, Korea, and other surrounding land masses of the South Pacific until the end of the 19th century. That's when the United States blundered into the picture.

(Stick boys are standing on the docks as the crazy stick boy comes in on a ship wearing a tricorn hat)

Nash (vo): That's when America decided--

JO (vo): Wo-ow. Who does your animation, Studio Pierrot? (the stick men look at her quite mad) Sorry. (then they go back to their normal emotions)

Nash (vo): Ahem, as I was saying, that's when America established diplomatic relationships with Japan and proposed the Treaty of Peace and Anmity. While the negotiations were a complex story, the basic gist of the matter comes down to, um, well... (Crazy Stick Boy's ship's cannon pops up and blows off one of the other stick boy's heads, making the other wave a little American flag) Yeah... go USA.

JO (vo): Japan bristled under the demands of the West for years, becoming resentful of perceived bullying by outsiders. Eventually, this led to a more strict Nationalist government and expansionism which... (trailing off) then led to... ahem.

(I don't know the name of this show. Anyone wanna fill it in?)

Man: Don't mention the war!

JO (vo): Exactly.

Nash (vo): In the aftermath of World War II, the Western influence on Japan grew exponentially. This was also coupled with a period of economic prosperity and social upheaval.

JO (vo): Hence, you have two national aspects to Japan. On the one side, you have long standing social traditions, and on the other you have generations exposed to great, flaming gouts of Western excess with no context by which to interpret it.

Nash (vo): The result is that Japanese pop culture is pure liquid crazy, (A shot of the Gundams from Gundam Wing) wherein giant robots, (girls' panties in a cup) schoolgirl's panties, (a man in a demon mask), ancient legends, (a picture of Eevee, Jolteon, Flareon, Vaporeon, Umbreon and Espeon), cute animals, (picture of Gamera) radioactive monsters, (a can of a disposable vagina, showing a hentai pic with the naughty bits blurred out) disposable vaginas in vending machines, (now showing the actual...product), all blended together in a morass of oh-god-make-it-stop.

(Stick Boy is reading a manga)

JO (vo): I feel like we're forgetting something? (tentacles come out of the manga, then do something nasty to Stick Boy blocked out by CENSORED)

Nash (vo): You were saying?

JO (vo): Uh, nevermind.

(back to the hotel room)

JO: Now before we go any further, we do wanna make the disclaimer that Japanese pop culture isn't any better or worse than ours. Every culture has it's elements of batshit crazy.

Nash: Yeah, it's just that Japan has refined their batshit into weaponized form. While our culture can go nuts, some elements of Japan's pop culture can clock at making the Baby Jesus cry in under 1.6 seconds.

JO: Oh, come on, that's not exactly fair.

Nash: Really? Well it sounds like it's time to hit our first story where Tokyo suburbanites have come up with a new, cheap and efficient way to wash their pets.

(JO realizes what kind of mayhem may happen)

JO: (nervously) Please say it involves shampoo and love?

Nash: It does not.

(The report is titled "Pet washing machines not just fluff")

Nash (vo): Yes, for only $5, you can make use of Joyful Honda's automatic pet washing machine, which will place your beloved companions in a small, enclosed space, and proceed to loudly spray them down with soap, water and a high power blowdry.

JO (vo) What the hell? Did they just toss in a sheet of fabric softener while they're at it? And what do the pets look like when it's all over?

(Nash comes in with stuffed animals on a coat hanger)

Nash (using a hillbilly accent): Okay then, we got your full service wash and wax there with the undercoat and the pine tree freshener we threw in there. Uh, that'll be 10 bucks there.

JO: (anxiously looking at the pets) They're not moving.

Nash: Oh, yeah, that's the extra starch we threw in there for free. Either that or they're dead.

Nash (VO, regular voice): Oh, but we can't just tell you about this atrocity.

JO (vo): You don't mean..?

Nash (vo): Yep, we got video!

(A video is shown of a cat jumping frantically in the pet washer while Andrew W.K.'s "We Want Fun" plays)

JO: Can I...?

Nash: I was hoping to...

JO: Why don't we both?

Nash: Yeah, okay.

Both: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Nash: How in the hell does someone even stumble onto this idea in the first place?! What, were they just stuffing poodles into their Kenmore and taking notes?

JO: And not only that, it's plain to see these animals are absolutely terrified! It's not like you can actually explain what's going to happen to them. For all they know, you just sent them to Kitty Auschwitz! (facepalm)

Nash: In any event, how about you just start trying to save a buck and take care of your pets yourself. At the very least, they'll be less likely to burst into a psychotic rage and murder you in a fit of post traumatic stress disorder!

JO: Yeah, see, I don't know how I'm supposed to give you any insight into that!

Nash: Well, but hang on, we're just getting started. Let's get to our next story where a man has an innovative solution to a wasp problem.

JO: Do you mean "innovative" or "going to make me sad?"

Nash: Yes.

(to be continued)