Citizen Kane

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Citizen Kane."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Why is it everybody says this is the greatest movie of all time? It's bullcrap!

This. Movie. Blows. Monkeys!

I mean, say what you want about early 1940's cinematography and how this film was a breakthrough in cinematic development.

But for me, these low angle camera shots seemed to shine a certain kind of pretentiousness.

And it's obvious this person's life is supposed to be parallel to that of William Randolph Herst.

This obvious, one-sided portrayal of a man's life is unfounded!

Yes, Herst has faults, but what man didn't?

Some would say that a certain filmmaker named Orson Welles was also a little bit of an egomaniac.

At least William Randolph Herst didn't eat himself into explosionism!

Is that even a word?

It should be!

Ooh, I get it. The low angle shots are supposed to symbolize that even though Citizen Kane lost the election, he is still ironically a large man.

Very subtle!

And how dare you attack his wife Marian Davies!

She was often perceived as a know nothing actress, but in actuality she had a very intelligent mind!

She had a wonderful sense of humor!

And she even knew how to take certain criticism from certain filmmakers with grace and ease.

Which is more than I can say for you, Mr. Welles!

And how about that hammered in scene where he's looking at two mirrors obviously showing a reflection of a reflection?

Yes, I know that when you look in a mirror, all you can see is yourself, and so you're forced to look into the depths of your own soul.

I don't care if people say that "Citizen Kane" is to the cinematic world what Shakespeare was to the theatrical world. It's cow dookie!

That's right! I said cow dookie!

And then, trying to recant at the end by trying to show us because he had no childhood through that obvious, not very subtle symbol.

I'm sorry, Mr. Welles! It doesn't work after what you've taken away from that man!

Perhaps you should take your own cinematic perspective and point it at your own soul!

And seeing how you're dead, that's probably the only thing you can point it at!

Citizen. Kane. Sucks!

The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can move on to making greater cinematic masterpieces!

Like "Speed Racer!"

Go Speed Racer, go!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

Well, could you at least give me a copy of "The Seventh Seal?" I hear that movie's supposed to be even worse!