Pearl Harbor

(We start our episode at an apartment in Hollywood, 1990. A blonde guy's (Jim Jaroz) standing on his feet rolling his eyes back, holding a power drill which he revs up after a bit)

Director (played by Doug): And cut. (The blonde guy puts the drill down) Very nice work there, people. Very nice work, indeed.

(A pop is heard as a blonde girl comes out from under)

Girl: Oh thank you so much. Your advice is very helpful.

Director: Well, it's like I tell every adult movie star: If you're going to suck, suck all the way.

Guy: It's an honor working with you, sir. I've never seen such brilliant direction.

Director: Well, what can I say? I know how to keep 'em coming. (Pun intended)

(The director walks off the set)

Girl: Who was that ingeniously perverted man?

Guy: That was Michael Bay. The most brilliant porn director the world has ever known.

(The two look up to their left in reverence for Bay. Meanwhile, Bay's phone rings)

Bay: Hello?

Peter (played by Orlando Belise, Jr.): Hey Michael, it's Peter.

Bay: Peter! So, good news?

Peter: Good news, buddy. We decided to let you direct Bad Boys. If all goes well, we might have few other films lined up for you, too. They see potential in you, kid. Keep it up. You might just be one of the biggest action directors of all time.

Bay: Oh. Well, that's great, Peter. That's great.

Peter: Well what's the matter? I thought you'd be more excited.

Bay: Oh oh I am, Peter, I am. But, uh...I just don't know if I always want to be associated with action.

Peter: Well, what did you have in mind?

Bay: Well, I always wanted to do...a romance. (and the music swells at that statement)

(Now we get to the opening for the Nostalgia Critic!)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (violin music plays in the background) Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing that we'll never forget and we'll hold deep within our hearts--Okay you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, not the actual event.

(Clips of the movie play)

NC (vo): Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor, well then so can I. This dumbass flick tried to cash in on the romantic historical fiction based around a...tragedy genre.

NC: Which, sad to say is quite a popular genre. (posters for Enemy at the Gates, Hindenberg, Titanic and Pearl Harbor are shown)

NC (vo): It's an obvious studio choice to try and get out a butch version of Titanic. Because hey, if the highest grossing film of that time got it's profit from teary eyed women, naturally we can make more marketing to testosterone filled man penis. The problem is it's over three hours long, has no action until the middle and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likeable.

NC: And seeing how this is still the month of love. (he leans back to pose for the Month of Love, but has a dour expression on his face instead) I say we get snuggly with the most romantic person we can think of...Michael Bay. Let's awaken the sleeping giant with...Pearl Harbor.

NC (vo): We open with two boys on a farm pretending to be pilots while one of their dads comes in from his job.

Young Danny: I get to run it!

Young Rafe: No, you take the back.

(One kid makes flying sounds and the other makes machine gun sounds before the one up front starts up the plane)

Young Rafe: Oh gosh!

NC (vo): Oh, what do you know, it's one of those one button push planes. Years of piloting school my ass, flying one of these things's easy as flushing a toilet.

Young Danny: We flew!

Young Rafe: We flew! Yes, I'm a pilot!

NC (vo): But Father Jerk-In-Everything-I'm-In (William Fichtner) is not happy and starts beating his son, only to have his friend knock him out.

Young Rafe: I will bust you open, you dirty German!

(NC's confused by that line)

Danny's father: I fought the Germans in France. I pray to god nobody ever has to see the things that I saw. (he then walks away from them)

(NC's still confused by that before we cut to a truck marked SCENE driving in a field at night)

Man 1: We are so lost.

Man 2: No we're not.

Man 1: We're not going anywhere.

Man 2: Yes we are.

Man 1: You have no direction at all.

Man 2: Yes we do. (they end up coming to a cliff with a sign marked Nowhere, making the truck back up)

Man 1: Told you we weren't going anywhere.

Man 2: Blow me.

(A plane is flying over an air base)

NC (vo): Cut to years later where those two boys have grown up into some wild, crazy rapscallions who love putting priceless military aircaft in jeopardy.

(Rafe and Danny fly towards each other but then make 90 degree turns to avoid each other while the soldiers below cheer on)

NC: (shaking his fist) Maverick!

Commander: Those farm boys are grounded!

Soldier: Yes, sir. Entirely unacceptable of...(he then stutters) military aircraft, sir.

NC (vo): (imitating the stuttering soldier) I stutter. It's my thing. It's a quick way to identify me without having to give me any character.

Commander: Get those hedgechoppers into Dolittle's office.

NC (vo): Our heroes are played by Ben Affleck, pre-director days, so you can hate him all you want, and Josh Hartnett, who if his eyes were any more squinty, would have to see through his eyelids. They're under the command of Colonel Dolittle, played by Alec Baldwin. Pre-I-had-too-much-pie but not post-I-need-to-seriously-stop-eating-the-goddamn-pie. It's ironic because he plays a person based on a real life colonel and yet he's probably the most clichéd character in the entire movie.

Dolittle: That's not training, McCawley. That's a stunt. And I personally consider it to be reckless and irresponsible.

Rafe: I was doing it to try and inspire the men, sir. In the way you've inspired me. I believe the French even have a word for that when the men get together to honor their leaders. They call it an homage, sir.

Dolittle: A what?

NC: Don't throw your million dollar words around me. What complicated French phrases are next? Baguette? Croissant? Gérard Depardieu?

Rafe: An homage, sir.

Dolittle: That's bullshit, McCawley! (that makes his dog wake up a little)

NC: Everybody...(singing the next expected line) But it's Very Good Bullshit.

Rafe: Thank you, sir.

NC (vo): Yeah, we like these privates that don't follow commands and endanger their lives and equipment. We need more people like you not doing what we tell you to do.

NC: It's like the old saying goes: (an Army poster is shown) be all that you can be...and ehhhhh, do whatever you want, we're flexible.

Soldier: Man I am one good looking son of a bitch.

NC (vo): So seeing how Michael Bay's forecast calls for permanent sunset, it's probably best that we cut to the next night. Oh, and here's a fun game. Count how many times they giggle throughout this scene.


 * Please finish this!**