Dumb for the Holidays

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room, though he's wearing a Santa cap)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, it's holiday time. Yes, it's that magical time of the year where we gather with family and friends to celebrate peace on Earth, goodwill toward man, and the thousands of fabulous deals and savings at your finer commercial establishments! All right, I kid. This is the time of year that can bring out the best and the worst of us all, it's the one time of the year we act a little nicer, smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple hours out of the whole year we are the people we--Oh my god, I'm doing the speech from Scrooged. Is there any part of my brain that hasn't been invaded by pop culture? Anyway, while it's generally considered the most wonderful time of the year--No, I'm not gonna start singing--doesn't mean everyone quite falls in step with all the magic and wonder. While most of us are content to exchange presents, or sing carols, or just bask in the glow of hearth and home, there's also a segment of the populace who get tanked, head down to the local church nativity and heckle the 4-year olds playing the Wise Men. That's what we're looking at this week. Feliz Navidumb. Not following me? Well, it's beginning to look a lot like the part where I elaborate. Just shut up and watch the cartoon.

(We come to our cartoon of the episode, "A Brief History Of The Holidays")

Nash (vo): It's generally believed that most cultures observed some sort of celebration of the winter solstice. The time of year when your given hemisphere of the earth is tilted furthest from the sun. The foundation of these festivities was rebirth, renewal and warding off the long, cold nights. (Stick Boy is taking a blow torch to a log) And they took the forms of symbols of light and warmth, such as the traditional yule log. (Stick Boy's not getting the log to go, so he tosses in a whole bottle of lighter fuel, making it explode) Yeah, like that, only with less kerosene. (Stick Boy's running around on fire, screaming) In the time since, may different religions began to observe their most important holidays around this time like Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Jesus. Or Hannukah, the Jewish festival of lights. And Kwanzaa, the tradition of...um...the...uh...can I get back to you on that one? (Stick Boy's looking to chop down a big old Christmas tree) Anyway, while the majority take the time to appreciate family and friends, (Stick Boy begins chopping the tree) there's always those among us who manage to take the spirit of the season (the tree begins to lean toward Stick Boy and he gets out of the way) and turn fun and good cheer into holly jolly hijinks. (Of course, the tree ends up falling the other way and crushing Stick Boy) And also a festive ride in an ambulance.

Nash: So, now that the setup has been hung by the chimney with great care, let's get going. What do you think of when I say the words, "Christmas pageant?" If you answered "screaming and fleeing for your life," then you probably attent the church in our first story.

(The report is titled "UPDATED: Camel topples onto church crowd at West Palm Beach Christmas show")

Nash (vo): Oh, Florida. You truly are the gift that keeps on giving. From West Palm Beach, a dress rehersal of what was dubbed as, quote, "Project Christmas," at the First Baptist Church involved your standard Wise Men, your baby Jesus, and of course, your traditional live camel. What's that? You're not supposed to bring live camels into a church? Well, that's probably why the animal collapsed into the pews.

Nash: Oh, but something this amazing demands much much, more than simply describing the event. I got video!

(A clip from the pageant with the camel is shown)

Nash (vo, as the camel): Hey, you know what? I'm Jewish. Fuck you guys! (and the camel falls onto the crowd)

Nash: Now, no one was hurt, camel included, but that's the only miracle you'll find in this story. What the fuck is wrong with you!? It's a freaking camel! Since when has it ever been okay to bring livestock inside a church!? There are many things for which your standard house of worship is designed, but a beast of burden weighing in at over half a ton is not one of them! And no, the minister's wife doesn't count, either! Also, last time I checked, churches were non-profit, relied on the good graces of the parishoners for funds and support. So how much of the church's money was spent on renting a goddamn dromedary!? If you had spent that cash on something like, say, clothing the poor, or feeding the hungry. Though I guess you can skin and eat the camel, but...maybe a trip to Kroeger's would be a little easier. Next up, what would the holidays be without a parade? And what would a holiday parade be without floats? And what would a holiday parade float be without a drunken brawl? (and he double face palms)

(The report is titled "Niceville Christmas parade grinds to halt as allegedly drunk city worker threatens to beat parade driver")

Nash (vo): Another Florida story? Sheesh. From the inappropriately named town of Niceville comes this tale where one city employee entered into a dispute with another. Except by dispute, I mean climbing into the cab of one of the trucks hauling parade floats, throwing away the keys, and theatening to, quote, "whip the driver's ass." Huh. I wonder what the hold-up caused in the parade?

(We cut to a clip of a Rudolph float stuck on a traffic light with an old timey filter on it)

Reporter: It's practically standing still now. They dropped the ropes on the nose of the reindeer, the back members of the team are just holding it up to keep it away from...(the float gets popped and is slowly deflating, the reporter now reacting like he's watching the Hindenberg disaster) It's burst into it's frame! It's burst into it's frame and it's falling, it's crashing! Watch it, oh, get out of the way! Oh, it's a terrible deflation, ladies and gentlemen! It's hot air and rubber, and the frame is crashing to the ground! Oh, the humanity!

Nash: Truly, a day that will live in infamy. Back to the story. Okay, asshole! The fuck is wrong with you!? You are a city employee! Of all the occasions to have this little confrontation, don't you think that in the middle of a Christmas parade might not be the most subtle of places? Also, he blew a .266 on a breathalyzer test. Cause it's not a holiday parade until someone has vomitted into the crowd. Now apparently, the beater accused the beatee of taking his overtime. I wonder how much of that he's going to lose while he's sitting in jail! Irony! Let's wander away from Florida...quickly...and head north to Chicago, where a school bus driver has lost his job after a dangerous, horrible vehicular homicide...of a snowman.

(The report is titled "Bus driver loses job after flattening snowman")

Nash (vo): The unnamed school bus driver either quit or resigned, the story's unclear, after video appeared on Youtube of him driving into a snowman that had been built into the middle of the road. The snowman's widow was unavailable for comment.

Nash: He lost his job after hitting a snowman with a bus because of a video on Youtube? How bad could that video have been?

(Frosty the Snowman plays over a clip of a bus hitting a snowman in the road, with splats and a woman's blood curdling scream added)

Nash: (fake crying out) Frosty! Nooo! (normal voice) No, seriously, that's all he did? Drove through a snowman while a pair of giggling idiots taped it and put it on the internet. While the article doesn't make it clear if he quit, or was fired, it's obvious his superiors considered "driving through a snowman built into the middle of the street" to be a serious offense. Let that sink in for a second. You're a school bus driver, you could lose your job after driving...through snow! Methinks next season, kids will arrive to school promptly...at 2 P.M. We're not done with snowmen just yet. Moving on to Hayden, Ohio, we learn that snowmen take great pride in their heritage. Their strong, white heritage.

(The report is titled "Snowman with noose appalls neighbors")

Nash (vo): Mark Eliseuson felt a bit festive this year and decided to celebrate the season in the time honored tradition of building a snowman on his front lawn. Unfortunately, he also celebrated some other things in the process. Things like lynching, and white power. And of course, complete and total dickery!

(Ohh, you touch my tra la la! The room begins to shake)

Nash: Oh crap! Look out everyone! We're getting a douchequake for Christma-a-a-a-a-as!

(Douchequake! is flashing on screen to sirens, the word in red and green letters, as clips from earthquakes are shown. Test screen!)

Nash: (coming up from the douchequake) Good lord. I haven't had a douchequake that bad since they let Jim Carrey play the Grinch! Where were we? Oh right. What the FUCK is WRONG WITH YOU!? It's the season of peace on earth, and goodwill toward men. How the mighty blue Jesus do you work a NOOSE into that!? I, myself, am not a man of faith, and I tend to skew toward the cynical, but even I know not to whip out my mistletoe and piss on the season of giving! But in this one instance, let me say I hope something good touches your ignorant, inbred heart this holiday season. I hope you find something worthwhile, I honestly do. The reason I say that is mainly because all the kids who had to ask mommy and daddy why Frosty had a goddamn noose deserve a gift from you: a motherfucking apology!! Whew, sorry. Got a little carried away there, heh. Man, whoo. Well, that's at least that's about as bad as it gets this year, I mean it's not like Santa got busted with child pornography--(realized too damn late what show he's in)--oh shit no no no, I take it back I take it (and we get to the report) ohh, damn it!

(The report is titled "'Santa' pleads not guilty")

Nash (vo): From North Platte, Nebraska, 57-year old Daniel Davis, who spends his holidays working as a Santa, was charged with eight counts of possession of child pornography after investigators searched his computer. I...got nothing.

Nash: Scuse me a moment.

(Nash gets up from his chair to bang his head on the wall, drink mustard out of the bottle, choke himself with a tie, bang his head on the wall again, bite into Christmas lights to electrocute himself, bang his head again, then sit in the tub with the shower pouring on his head while making train noises before going to his chair.)

Nash: Aah, sorry about that. Back to the story. (He keeps opening his mouth, but he can't find the right words) Chevy, take this one for me.

(We go to National Lampoon's Chrismas Vacation, Clark Griswold bringing everyone together)

Clark: I want him brought right here. With a big ribbon on his head! And I wanna look him straight in the eye, and I wanna tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing lowlife, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat ass, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped, worm headed sack of monkey shit he is!! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol!?