The Wicker Man

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(We start off today's episode with Nostalgia Critic coming into the studio whistling "The Review Must Go On" while on his finger, he carries the Wicker Man DVD. Just before he gets to the door his reviewing room's in, he senses something behind him and turns around, seeing a young woman with a rather creepy smile on her face)

Nostalgia Critic: Have you been helped?*


 * I couldn't understand that line

Girl: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.

NC: Tamara,. Oh yeah, from the Catwoman review. Yeah yeah, you were funny in that.

Tamara: Thank you.

(There's an uncomfortable silence)

NC: I find you socially awkward due to your disturbing silence.

Tamara: I see that you have the Wicker Man DVD in your possession.

NC: Oh, uh, yeah.

Tamara: Did you know that that's my favorite movie?

NC: I don't even know what your last name is. Why would I know that?

Tamara: Do you have the original or the unrated version?

NC: (looking at the disk) Uh, the unrated.

Tamara: Oh. Good.

NC: ...Why?

Tamara: No reason. Enjoy your movie.

NC: Oh, thanks, I will-- (he looks at the disk, then back to her, only to see she's gone!) That was wei--(and she's back in front of him) Gaah! Fuck! Can you go that way, please? (Tamara turns and leaves) Ah, Jesus! (he opens the door to his reviewing room) The hell's going on around here--(guess who's in the chair?) Will you get out of here--(now she's behind him!) Turn around and piss off! (he pushes her out, only to turn around and she's right back in front of him!) Get out of here, you little whack-a-mole! (finally she leaves as he gets in his chair) As if this week couldn't get any more creepy, let's keep it going with Nicolas Cage Month!

(We do the Nicolas Cage Month opening of every face being Nicolas Cage)

I'm Nicolas Cage

Actually I have a confession to make

I'm actually not Nicolas Cage

I'm Nicolas Cage pretending to be a narrator who sounds like Nicolas Cage

Is it fucked up?

(wheezing laugh) Of course it is!

By the way I'm gonna be starring in 26 other movies this month

But if they ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh, I'd play Eeyore

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Lets talk about Neil LaBute. (vo) You might not recognize his name, but you might recognize his movies. Lakeview Terrace, Nurse Betty, and probably his most controversial, In the Company of Men. And if you were like most movie goers, this was probably your reaction to them.

(cut to Rob, Malcolm, and Jim in a movie theatre with very shocked "WTF" faces)

NC: (vo) His films usually had a shockingly harsh mean spirited tone that many critics like, but most audiences didn't know how to accept.

(clip from In the Company of Men with Aaron Eckhart playing Chad)

Chad: We take a girl of that type... just some corn-fed bitch, then one day... out goes the rug and us pulling it hard. She'll be reaching for those sleeping pills within a week... and we will laugh about this 'till we are very old men.

NC: (vo) People came out of each film saying, "It is piss my pants uncomfortable, which I think is the films intent, but is the film actually any good? I think so-ish. It's saying something-ish that I think is beneficial-ish." For years and years, nobody quite knew what to make of him.

NC: That is until the abominable remake that finally gave movie goers clarity. That being that out of all his films, we know that quite clearly this one is absolute shit. That remake is of course Wicker Man.

(Clips of the original movie and the remake play)

NC: (vo) Based on the British cult hit of the 70s, the film centers around a cop brought in to investigate an abduction on an island ran by an bizarre cult. The major change in this one: the island is dominated by women. (beat) Yeah, interesting change, but I'm sure the guy who wrote a story about sexist men breaking the heart of a lonely depressed deaf woman would clearly show no signs of misogyny here.

NC: But, why wait to find out? Let's take a look at the burning disaster remake that is Wicker Man.

NC (vo): So as the credits roll, we naturally open up with our hero, played by Nicolas Cage. (the "Halleluljah" chorus plays) He's a cop who likes checking out books that I'm sure most of us will need to read after viewing this picture. (as he says this, Cage's character, Edward Malus, holds up a book titled "Everything's OK!") He's off doing his coply duties when he sees a kid drop her doll out the window. (Malus bends down while still riding his motorcycle and swoops it up in one move) Jesus, I didn't think you could make Nicolas Cage grabbing a girl's doll actually look cool, but, by God, this movie actually kinda pulled it off!

(The clip plays again)

NC (vo): (as Malus) In the name of Strawberry Shortcake, you shall be avenged!

NC (vo): So he pulls the car over to give the child back her doll.

Mother: We won't let it happen again, Sir.

Malus: Great, thanks a lot.

(The girl throws her doll out of the window again)

Mother: Stop that! I'm so sorry, she's belted in and-

Malus: Don't worry, it comes with the territory. I'll get it.

NC (vo): (as Malus) As an officer, it's my duty to keep my eyes peeled for any opportunity to serve and protect, except of course when a giant truck is travelling on the wrong side of the road for no reason, plunging innocent civillians into a fiery ditch. (this happens as he speaks) For some reason I'm not very good at spotting those.

(Malus sees the girl alive in the back of the burning car)

Malus: Keep your head down!

NC (vo): Cage tries to save them, but the little girl's too busy being needlessly creepy because...that's what kids in movies kinda did for a while, (posters for The Ring, The Sixth Sense, The Grudge and Stir of Echoes are shown) and she burns up in the fire. (Malus is thrown back as the car explodes) Cut to sometime later, they never say how long, as it seems Cage has a problem getting over his mistake.

(Malus opens his front door. A female cop comes in)

Female Cop: Hey!

Malus: Hey.

(They share an awkward pause)

Female Cop: So...

Malus: That about sums it up.

NC (vo as cop): So, um...you got a scene for me?

Female Cop: Stop helping ya?

Malus: You don't have to stay. I don't really need visitors.

(The two share another awkward pause)

NC (vo): Well, she added a lot! As we see Cage gets a letter from his ex-fiance...who aparantly has elvish penmenship...and alerts him that not only has she moved to an island called Summerisle, not only does she have a child named Rowan, not only is she probably his, not only is she now missing and is incredibly concerned, but she wants him to come to the island and look for her. God DAMN! That's like Jesus finally writing to his father saying how he enjoyed Jerusalem! So he goes to his cop friend to try and get some advice, who quite frankly seems way to spontaneously into this having just heard about it.

Cop Friend: The plot thickens. So is this like some old girlfriend or something? This...Willow?

Malus: We were engaged.

Cop Friend: Sound like she got close with someone else too? Summer's Isle?! And she has the nerve to contact you now? Shit! I mean you're gonna blow this off, right? Why don't you do a little digging on her first? I mean, come on! Tell her to contact the father! Give her a call!

NC (as Cop Friend): I don't know why, I'm just really upset about your problems right now! (his phone rings. He picks it up) Hello? Oh, your husband's been murdered? Well BOO-FUCKITY-HOO!!!

(Back to the scene, the female cop from earlier comes at the door)

Female Cop: We need to be at a breifing in ten minutes.

Cop Friend: Okay.

Female Cop (to Malus): Hey, it's good to see you.

Malus: Yeah.

NC (vo as Female Cop): Still got no scene for me? Okay. (normal) Nevertheless, Cage agrees to the case as while traveling to the island he can't help but to still think of the girl he let down before.

(Malus sees the little girl from the car on the boat, looking out on the railing. While Malus looks her over, a truck horn is heard and we see the girl get run over by a truck!)

NC (vo): JESUS CHRIST! WHO LET THE TRUCK ON THE BOAT?!? Do boats really need a sign that says 'No trucks allowed'? If it's a party boat, do we have to put 'No trucks under 21 allowed'? (He see the truck hit the girl again) Holy fuck! This movie's dramatic subtlety is on par with UHF!

(We see the clip from UHF of a man getting hit by a train)

NC (vo): SO he gets to the island of Summerisle, or as I like to call it 'The Creepyshire', as he comes across some scary Hobbitfolk.

Malus: Now a complaint has been made by a resident of this island...

Old Woman: A complaint you say?

Malus: Yes, ma'am. About a missing child.

Old Woman: Well now, that's always trouble.

(some viligers pass by carrying a large bag)

Malus: What's in the bag? A shark or something?

Old Woman: Go on, take a peek.

(Malus slowly reaches out to the bag, which seems to be leaking...something. The bag flinches and he flinches away. The old women cackle.)

NC (vo as Malus): Well, nothing suspicious here. You go ahead and take your bleeding, moving, human-sized bag to wherever while you laugh maniacaly. I'm gonna go see if this place has any cake. (normal) So he walks into the middle of the 'Hocus Pocus 2' auditions to see if he can get any answers.

Malus (to a storekeeper): Are you the bar maiden here? Or... whatever you call it?

Woman: I'm Sister Beech, yes.

NC: (snickers) What's her name again?

Sister Beech: I'm Sister Beech, yes.

NC: (snickers) Please tell me that's the only time we hear that name?

(montage of everyone in the movie saying Mrs/Sister Beech)

NC: There's not enough images of slaughtered bunnies in the world to make me not laugh at that.

(Another character says it, making NC snicker over the table. Back to the movie, a bee buzzes and lands in front of Malus. He immediately grabs a jug and squashes the insect, shocking everyone else in the store.)

NC (vo as Bee): My bretheren will get revenge in the hokiest, most over-the-top way possible.

Malus: Sorry, I'm alergic.

NC (vo): So he comes across his ex-fiance named Willow, who has quite the talent of giving all information, and no information at the same time.

Malus: What in the hell happened to you?

Willow: We were young.

Malus: So what?

Willow: Why do we do anything?

Malus: I need some kind of answer.

Willow: I was scared.

Malus: Why do this?

Willow: We're different here.

Malus: Was it some other guy?

Willow: I wasn't ready for this.

NC (vo as Malus): Ok, if I give you a multiple choice between A, B, or C will you give me a straight answer then?

NC (vo as Willow): I choose Q.

NC (vo as Malus): Christ!

NC (vo): Speaking of which, Cage continues to see all kinds of strangeness on the island. Twins talking in unison, women wearing red hoods over their heads, everyone talking in scary, foreshadowing tones, Leelee Sobieski, and oddly enough decides not to get the fuck out of there! But then again, being Cage, maybe all this makes him feel at home.

(Malus turns to Leelee Sobieski's character, Sister Honey)

Malus: Excuse me, did someone unpack my bag because I'm missing some tapes.

Sister Honey: I wouldn't know about that.

Malus: They're called 'Everything's OK'.

(Sister Honey nods and walks away. It must be noted that Sister Honey is dressed in a simple light blue dress with a white shirt and white apron. In other words...IT'S BELLE! IT'S FUCKING BELLE!)

Beauty and the Beast chorus: (singing) Look, there she goes! The girl who's so peculiar!

NC (vo): Things don't get any better when he continues to dream about the same girl he lost before.

(Malus imagines the girl on the boat again. As she turns to see him...she gets hit by a speeding truck!)

NC (vo): AGAIN? This thing follows his subconcious like Freddy Kruger driving the truck from Duel! It doesn't get any scarier the more you show it, it just gets funnier!

(To prove his point, we see the truck hit the girl again)

NC (chuckles): Can we just get a loop of that?

(Ask and ye shall recieve. We see the shot looped several times)

NC: And people say there's nothing good on the internet. (vo) But Cage thinks he sees Rowan in the garden and he tries to go after her, thinking he's narrowed her down in the barn.

(malus investigates inside the barn. Just above him a shadow whooshes by. Emphasis on 'whooshes by'. We hear a 'vroosh' effect with the shadow.)

Malus: Rowan?

NC (vo as Malus): I can hear your 'vroosh'. (as normal) Which is really obnoxious when you think about it. How come in a movie, whenever somebody passes the camera in the dark, it's always accompanied by a 'vroosh'?

NC: I mean, do people have no control over that? It's really annoying...

(He gets cut off as Malcolm suddenly 'vrooshes' by)

NC: D'AH!!! Malcolm!!!

Malcolm: Huh?

NC: Can you keep your vroosh down? I was just talking about how obnoxious it is.

Malcolm: Sorry. It's the new shoes.

(Malcolm walks off, making the 'vroosh' sound with each step he takes. We cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): He loses track of her and doesn't seem to get any closer.

NC: Making this scene... (*ding*) Entirely Pointless!

(An caption reading 'Entirely Pointless' pops up along with the ding.)

NC (vo): He does, however, notice what any fucking idiot would notice the first time being there, a massive lineup of pictured girls all looking like they're about to be sacrificed at an alter. But one picture seems to be missing.

Sister Beech: The Harvest Festival, we have one the end of each autumn. And then the Festival of Fertility too, of course.

Malus: What happend to last year's?

Sister Beech: Afraid...it got ruined last night.

NC (vo as Malus): Ok, let's cut the bullshit! We all know you're Brian Cox in drag! Just stop pretending!!! (normal) So he goes to see if he can get any answers from little Leelee.

Malus: Hey, I meant to ask you in there, do you recognize this girl?

(Sister Honey simply chuckles and smiles in response.)

Malus: Yeah, well where's the other woman who works here?

NC (vo): Nooo. Let's go back to that question you just asked and clearly didn't get an answer to! 'Have you seen this little girl?' God! Do you have ANY policeman insight? Would you do this on any other case?

(Cut to a scene showing Malus, played by Doug, and a creepy, smiling woman holding an ax, played by Malcolm. Behind them, the dismembered head of Rob Walker is swinging from a noose)

Doug!Malus: Excuse me, have you seen this white man with glasses and a goatee?

(Malcolm!Creepy Girl simply smiles and chuckles)

Doug!Malus: Ok, that's good enough for me. (he walks away) All right guys nothing to see here!

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): Things get, imagine this, even stranger when he goes to a school that only seems to be teaching girls.

Teacher (Sister Rose): Would you tell us what man represents in his purest form?

(All the students raise their hands)

Sister Rose: Yes?

Twin Students: Phallic symbol. Phallic symbol.

NC: Hey! HEY! HEY!!! As a man, I am very offended! I mean, you're not supposed to just say it.

Malus: School's really changed since I was a kid.

Sister Rose: How dare you stand there and frighten my children.

NC (vo): Wow. Nicolas Cage is so creepy he can just scare people by just standing in the same room as them?

NC: Oh, let's be honest, none of us are surprised by that.

Malus: Whose desk is this?

(No one answers. Malus walks over to the desk and opens it...and suddenly finds a live crow flying out of it.)

NC: My apologies. We are studying the textbook of lazy jump scares. (to the side) Ok, Chapter 2, children! Walking by the camera and going 'vroosh'!

NC (vo): The more questions he asks, of course, the fewer answers he gets.

Sister Rose: If Rowan Woodward existed...

Malus: IF! And I suppose her mother is lying to me too, huh?

Sister Rose: Not lying, no. Greiving.

Malus: You mean that Rowan is...dead?

Sister Rose: It was an accident.

Malus: What kind of accident?

Sister Rose: Leave things alone, please?

Malus: Sister Rose? How did she die?

Sister Rose: She'll burn to death.

Malus: What did you just say?

Sister Rose: She burned to death.

NC (vo): So seeing how Rowan has more inconsistant backstories than Tommy Wiseau, Cage sets out at least to locate the body or grave, which neither Willow or Cage thinks proves at all that she's actually dead.

Willow: They put it there. I didn't

Malus: Whose 'they'?

Willow: I...

NC (vo): So here's a crazy idea! He asks her to take him to the place where she last saw her. Uh...shouldn't that have been the first frigging thing that he did?

Malus: So this is where you last saw Rowan?

(Willow says nothing)

Malus: Yeah?...Can you give me the details? It's important.

NC (vo as Willow): Sorry, I don't operate in details. Just foreshadowing bullshit that makes for great creepy padding.

Malus: And you're sure there's no way it can be someone from off the island?

Willow: No.

(Malus notices scribblings under the desk in red ink, the largest of which reads 'Help Me')

NC (vo): Well, that would be considered a clue if it wasn't typical writing for any child stuck as school. So he doesn't seem to get any closer. That is, until he thinks he sees her drowining under the dock.

(Malus gets into the water to try to pull Rowan out. When he reaches her...he wakes up.)

NC (vo): Huh. Clearly it was just a dream (Malus is holding Rowan's body) OR MAYBE IT WASN'T! OH MY GOD!!! (Malus wakes up...again) Nope. Just a dream.

Malus: GODDAMN IT!!!

NC (vo as Malus): A double fake-out? REALLY?!? We're that desperate?!? God, the least they could have done was thrown in another tru...

(The truck from before is photoshopped to hit Malus)

NC (vo): So he goes to ask more questions...after randomly passing by the cult of Jawas...as he JUST NOW fucking realizes that Rowan was the girl missing in the framed picture. Naw! Ya think?

(Malus confronts Willow)

Malus: Why didn't you tell me Rowan was a part of all this? The...rituals?

Willow: Well, I'm frightened of this place, too.

Malus: All right, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. (He hugs her)

NC (vo): Jesus Christ! Does this guy ever use his brain? This has got to be some of the worst detective skills of all time!

(Cut to NC...with a smiling Tamara now behind him)

NC: I mean, how stupid do you have to be...

(NC suddenly feels like he's not alone. He looks behind him and flinches when he finally notices the creepy girl)

Tamara: How's the review coming, Critic?

NC: THAT'S IT! (He gets up) Listen here, you creepy little elf on the shelf, I'm not going to let a crazy and potentially dangerous person get in the way of my work!

Tamara: What are you going to do? Leave? Call for backup? Bring in as many sane and rational people possible to level out this insane playing field?

NC: No. That would be unbelieveably stupid. I'm just going to ask obvious question after obvious question that anyone would know in the hopes that you would give me an incredibly vague answer that will make me more angry!

Tamara: Oh. All right, then. Go ahead!

NC: What's going on here?

Tamarra: They would know.

NC: Who is they?

Tamara: They is them.

NC: Them is they?

Tamara: All is knowing.

NC: Knowing is all?

Tamara: You can't understand that not understanding is understanding when you can't understand. Understand?

NC: Your vagueness is making me ANGRY!

Tamara: Then maybe I should leave.

NC: Fine! I think I've utilized my detective skills long enough. GET OUTTA HERE!!!

(Tamara walks out, her creepy smile still turned to the Critic. She walks backwards out the door, smiling along the way)

NC: (Sitting back down) Whew! Okay, so after that...

(He pauses to take a look at the door. No one is there. He keeps his eye on the door. He cut back and forth between the door and the Critic until we suddenly see Tamara peeking from the side.)

NC: Will ya get outta here?

(Tamara slowly slinks away. NC tries to start again when he notices something else at the door. He turns to see...NICOLAS CAGE'S FACE!!!)

NC: (spooked) FUCK!!!

(It turns out it's just Tamara, with a picture of Cage's head on a stick. She smiles and slinks away again)

NC: (rubs his temples) It's a bad day to be me.

(Cut to Commercial)