Star Trek: Into Darkness

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Star Trek: Into Darkness."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Live long and-- Spoilers! (Does Vulcan sign with right hand, but not his left. He looks at it) I can never get that hand to do it...

There's this guy called James T. Kirk.

And he's in trouble because he let a bunch of paper mache men know that there's an Enterprise around!

And Starfleet is like, "You've gone too far, Kirk. I'm taking Enterprise away from you!"

"Oh wow, gee, this is the first time the Enterprise has ever been taken away from me."

"We're not giving it back!"

"Oh yeah, let me just wave goodbye to it. (waves) Goodbye Enterprise! I'll never see you again!"

"I really mean it! You are never, ever, ever gonna sit in that captain's chair again!"

"Okay, if you say so. So, who's the captain now?"

"I am!"

"Can I serve under you?"

"Sure. Oh no, I just signed my own death warrant!" (gets shot)

"Note to Starfleet: Anybody above me is the new red shirt."

So a person we all know is Khan comes in and shoots a lot of the higher-ups.

And the admiral is like, "Kirk, we need you to disobey orders by doing what Starfleet says."

"I have no idea what that means."

"We want you to illegally (whispers) but quietly (normal voice) take out this guy."

"But how are you gonna explain that he's dead?"

"He's in Klingon territory, and thankfully we're all incredibly racist of them right now."

"Really?"

"Yes. When people hate something, they're more likely to believe stupid lies about it. We'll just say they ate him or something."

"HOORAY!"

But Scotty is like (in Scottish accent), "I cannot stay aboard with all these incredibly dangerous torpedoes on."

"That's okay! We'll hand it over to Chekov doing a 'Despicable Me' impersonation."

"Will he say wessels?"

"He will."

"I'm good then." (leaves)

So they have to get the best people possible for this mission that could kill them all and start war.

So let's send in a feuding Spock and Uhura.

"How come when you were gonna die earlier you didn't say you loved me?"

"I was too busy pissing my pants."

"If you thought you were gonna die again, would you say you love me?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Well, I am gonna kill you if you answer wrong!"

"I'll take that as a yes." (explosion)

"Klingons! Thank God we were staying focused and not re-enacting that 'Everybody Loves Raymond' episode!"

So all these Klingon ships force them down to the ground because they're incredibly outnumbered.

But then one guy comes along, destroys one ship, and somehow the others miraculously disappeared.

I guess the Klingons were like, "Look out! A guy who sounds like Scar from 'The Lion King'! Ahhhh!" (escapes)

So the Enterprise is like, "Who are you?"

"I'm that guy who everybody knows is Khan."

"But who are you really?"

"Khaaann."

(gasps) "Yeah, I knew that."

So he surrenders to the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Which, guys, if the villain of an action movie surrenders halfway through...kill him.

But Khan is like, "I'm going to re-enact 'Silence of the Lambs' by being inside a cage and getting inside your mind."

"Hey, aren't you supposed to not be British and...have a plastic chest?"

"There's frozen people in the torpedoes."

"...I did not expect you to say that."

But, sure enough, there are frozen people inside the torpedoes!

And Kirk is like, "Why are there frozen people inside the torpedoes?"

"They are superhumans."

"So super they get captured by ice?"

"Cower before my British accent!" (Cowers in fear)

But then the admiral shows up and is like, "Oh hey, you found my intimidating British guy. Hand him over."

"No! He deserves to stand trial."

"Well then, I'll destroy you and you're screwed."

"Not likely, for I have your daughter."

"Hi!"

"Transporter, beam her over."

"Bye!" (disappears)

"Okay, now we're screwed."

"Fire!" (Chester yells "Boom" a few times as explosions are heard)

So they have to think of a plan really fast.

And Kirk is like, "Khan, we have to join forces."

"Agreed."

"I'm sure we're gonna turn out to be the best of friends."

"...Yeah."

So they re-enact that scene from "Star Trek: Nemesis." You know, the one that everybody laughed at.

No, not that one. No, not that one. No, not that one. Yeah, that one!

Where they jump from one ship to the other.

Except they logically explain it...ish.

"We'll get even with them by showing them our cannonball impression!"

"What's our cannonball impress--" (Screams as he's fired toward the ship)

So Kirk and Khan get to the bridge of the admiral guy.

And Khan is like, "An admiral who's about to be popped like a pimple says what?"

"What?" (Khan squishes admiral's head)

And Khan tells Spock, "Hand over my frozen crew, or I will-- Oh hey, Leonard Nimoy! --destroy your captain!"

"First, hand over the captain!"

"Very well. (Makes Kirk disappear) Now, send the incredibly explosive torpedoes to me-- This was a stupid idea."

"Fire." (Screams as explosions go off)

So the Enterprise is all broken up and flying towards Earth.

Which is...weird. Earth never saw this whole battle thing going on?

"Hey daddy, look! Falling debris!" (Is crushed by debris)

And Kirk is the only one to get the ship back online by sacrificing his life!

And Kirk is like, "Ship out of danger?"

And Spock is like, "Oh my God, your irony levels are through the roof!"

"Do not grieve, Spock. ...Line from Star Trek 2."

"Line from Star Trek 2."

"Line from Star Trek 2."

"Line from Star Trek 2."

"A little bit of new material."

"A little bit of new material."

"Unbelievably lame retread."

"Unbelievably lame retread."

"Incredibly not clever slap in the face to the fans."

(crying) "Incredibly not clever slap in the face to the fans, old friend. (Kirk dies, Spock yells to sky) Awkward similarities!" So Spock is chasing after Khan on Earth.

And Khan is like, "You can't defeat me. I am a superhuman!"

And Spock is like, "Well, I'm an angry Vulcan who will vengefully punch you over and over even though we established earlier that does nothing!"

But then Uhura pops up and is like, "And I will stun you with this gun even though it took one shot before and will take me like 20 this time!"

"You know what? I'm tired, and those both sound really intimidating, but there simply isn't enough running time to do anything impressive with me. So, I'm just gonna lie down and go to freeze."

But Dr. McCoy is like, "With Khan's blood I brought this raccoon head back to life. Maybe the same can be done for Kirk!"

"But isn't he dead?"

"If we freeze him, he'll be only half dead." (Both look confused)

So Kirk comes back and is like, "Thank God we showed dignity to one of the greatest Star Trek villains of all time by easily defeating him and just throwing him in an ice tray!"

"But what have we learned about morality and death?"

"I don't know."

HOORAY!

So the movie was really good except when it just put in Star Trek 2 again.

I mean, you remember in "Suburban Knights" where they killed Ma-Ti and they kinda did it for laughs?

Imagine that trying to be done for real.

To boldly go where nobody's gone before? How about the cowardly retread where we don't wanna try anything new!

I swear you could call the next film "Star Trek: Wrath of the Message Boards."

The geeks are going to kill you, J.J. Abrams.

But still, the rest of the movie was a lot of fun!

Though it could have used more lightsabers.

But bottom line, I enjoyed going into darkness!

Even though I have no idea what the darkness was in this movie.

Maybe I could tell better if they turned down the lens flares.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll get Khan in the next movie! "Star Trek: The Wrath of I Swear We'll Do Something With Him This Time Khan!"