Reimu's Top 5 Saddest Moments

Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it, because you don't. People, there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with your feminine side. Unless you're in Gensokyo, in which case, that makes you a Daiyousei. But everybody has at least one movie, book or game that they've cried at. There's no doubt about it: media has some of the saddest and most depressing scenes in cinema history.

Reimu: Which is why today, I am bringing you the Top 5 Saddest Movie Moments from our childhoods. Why Top 5? Because I think nothing can top the 5 I've chosen. So, women get out your tissues, men prepare your sleeves, this is the Top 11 Saddest Moments.

The said title appears over a clip of Timon and Pumbaa crying from The Lion King

Number 5
Interlude

Reimu (voiceover): Number 5-- Wiggler's supposed death, from Paper Jam.

The words "5. 'Wiggler's "death"'" over footage of the scene

Reimu (voiceover): You wouldn't think Mario would ever be able to get you teary eyed, but in Paper Jam when Wiggler apparently dies, it's pretty damn depressing.

Wiggler: I'm a happy Wiggler...and a very tired one...

Reimu (voiceover): Out of all the Mario & Luigi cutscenes, this is by far the saddest, making us feel bad for a giant worm, for crying out loud! That's the sign of good storytellers when the game had you feeling emotionally attached to a Wiggler.

Wiggler: It's naptime for Wiggler...

Mario, Luigi, and Starlow: (spazzing out)

Reimu (voiceover): Get ready for lip to quiver in...

The countdown is displayed over the scene

Reimu (voiceover): 3, 2, 1!

Cut briefly to Reimu, lip all a-quiver

Starlow: Oh no....Wiggler...

Reimu starts crying

Number 4
Interlude

NC (voiceover): Number 4--The S.O.S Jeanette Solo, from Chipwrecked.

Again, footage of the Lion King scene labeled with the list item

NC (voiceover): This takes place after Jeanette is captured by a girl who wants her to collect treasure from an about-to-explode volcano. The girl - named Zoe - uses a rope to pull her down.

Jeanette: (singing) S.O.S, please, someone, help, me....

Reimu: (trying to sound cheery) It's not healthy...for me to feel this way...

Reimu (voiceover): I mean, good Byakuren, this is pretty damn depressing for an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. All that's missing is for Jeanette to absolutely nail the final note-

''Oh yeah. Jeanette goes there.''

Reimu (voiceover): OH, THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH! If you're not crying by the end of this call for help song, get your eyes checked.

Reimu breaks down crying

Number 3
Interlude

Reimu (voiceover): Number 3--Death of Megara from Hercules.

Reimu (voiceover): Let's face it, Greeks are always gonna be cool, but who would've thought you could actually feel sorry for them? Let's have this Disney movie answer.

Meg: Hercules! Look out!

Hercules: Meg! No!

Reimu again looks as if she's about to break into tears

Hercules: Meg, why... why... why did ya... You didn't have to...

Meg: Oh, people always do crazy things..when they're in love...

Hercules: Oh, Meg. Meg, I... I...

Reimu: Oh, for the love of Byakuren, how can a movie make me feel bad for people who only lived eons ago? ...(she starts crying again) Like this!

Phil: I'll watch over her, kid...

Number 2
Interlude

Reimu (voiceover): Number 2--The Fault in our Stars.

Footage of the movie adaption

Reimu (voiceover): Just...just The Fault in our Stars. Everything about this book is depressing. I'm not surprised everybody got depression just from reading it. The story is about a girl dying of cancer who falls in love with another cancer patient.

Reimu (voiceover): They have good chemistry, and eventually fall in love. And the rest of the book IS A FUCKING TEASE! They think they'll find out what happens to Ann, but the author refuses to tell them...and then Augustus d-d-d...

Reimu (voiceover): GOOD BYAKUREN!

Reimu: Fuck you, Mr. Green! I may be able to take it, but my therapy yen bills won't!

Reimu breaks down again.

Number 1
Interlude

Reimu (voiceover): Number 1--The opening of "Fly Away Home"

Footage from that Disney movie

Reimu (voiceover): This movie was epic, beautiful and, of course, adorable as hell. But we don't see that immediately - Amy's mother dies in a car crash RIGHT in the beginning of the movie.

We see a car toppling off a bridge to sad music

Reimu: That's not funny.

Mother dies, Reimu begins crying

NC: Oh, what the Makai, this is Disney! They're supposed to make me feel positive at the start, not sob my eyes out! Disney started the film making me cry-y-y-y!

Epilogue
Reimu: And those were the top 5 saddest moments. If you must excuse me, I'll go chug some sake and cry...

(Credits music: The Moon as seen from the Shrine, with Reimu sobbing if you listen very carefully)