Suicide Squad

(After the full version of Channel Awesome logo and the NC2017 intro, we fade to the Nostalgia Critic at his desk)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(Suddenly, the Chart Guys (Rob and Malcolm) rudely cut in. The first Chart Guy is wearing a hat with "I Heart Charts" on it)

Chart Guy 1 (Rob): Stop it, stop!

(They grab a binder on the table and take it away)

Chart Guys: Reshoot, reshoot, reshoot!

NC: (frustrated) What are you guys doing here?!

Chart Guy 1: The chart says we need to redo the review!

NC: (incredulous) On whose authority?

Chart Guy 2 (Malcolm): (examining the binder, which reads "The Plot") D.C.

Chart Guy 1: The Department of Cameos.

Chart Guy 2: Remember when you made the trailer for this review? The one with the pop song?

NC: You mean the one I was told to do like another comic book trailer that may or may not have a talking raccoon in it?

Chart Guy 1: (quickly, to camera) We can't confirm nor deny that.

Chart Guy 2: Well, it was a big hit, and we need to add more comic.

NC: You're changing halfway just because a competitor is doing better?

Chart Guy 1: Well, D.C. is usually a few months behind. (beat) Years. (quickly and quietly) Decades.

Chart Guy 2: It's okay, we're doing it for the fans.

NC: Doing what?

Chart Guy 2: (writing in binder with a Black Magic Marker) Cutting out what they liked the most.

Chart Guy 1: Let's go GOP on this sucker!

(NC sighs and facepalms himself)

Chart Guy 2: Now, since we're incorporating more humor, obviously we have to drop the clown.

Chart Guy 1: Well, that goes without saying.

NC: Oh, I wouldn't do that.

(Unbeknownst to the Chart Guys, a man (Jim Jarosz) dressed like the Joker appears between them)

Chart Guy 2: Why not?

Joker: (putting his arm around Chart Guy 2) Hi!

(The Chart Guys yelp in shock; Chart Guy 1 runs and cowers behind NC, while Chart Guy 2 stands there looking petrified)

NC: Yeah, Jim's been playing Joker offset like Jared Leto did on the movie.

Joker: Oh, by the way, (holds up a manila envelope) here you go.

(Joker tosses envelope to NC, who catches it)

Chart Guy 1: What?

NC: Yeah, he mails this shit like Leto, too, because the (in simpleton voice) real Joker would do that. (NC reaches inside envelope, pulling out a set of anal beads) Ah, look, anal beads. (holds them next to Chart Guy 1)

Chart Guy 1: AH!

NC: Just like the real master of crime. How is this even funny? The Joker is supposed to be funny.

Joker: Knock, knock.

NC: Who's there?

Joker: You’re holding anal beads! HAHAHAHA!! (Joker’s grill falls off his teeth while he laughs) 

Chart Guy 2: Your authentic grills are falling out.

Joker: Well, I'm a man of many surprises.

Chart Guy 2: You're sure they aren't just plastic teeth?

Joker: I'M A MAN OF MANY SURPRISES!!

Chart Guy 2: Okay, okay...

(Joker continues laughing, finally pulling out his other fake grill)

Chart Guy 1: Listen, Jim...

Joker: Jim? Who's Jim? Sounds like a handsome guy.

Chart Guy 1: Joker.

(Joker still looks confused)

Chart Guy 1: ...Jared Leto playing Joker?

Joker: Yyeeees?

Chart Guy 1: I'm gonna have to call him that every time, aren't I?

NC: You're gonna have to call him that every time, yeah.

Chart Guy 1: Oh, my God... Listen, we appreciate that you're trying to create buzz, but doesn't the Joker murder people and blow up buildings?

Joker: Yeah, but that's, like, dangerous. I'd rather just pretend that stuff.

NC: Oh, just like the real Joker.

Chart Guy 1: Yeah.

NC: So, uh, while you're pretending to do that other stuff, why don't you also pretend that you're doing this "second grader discovering what a troll is" shtick?

Joker: (after a beat) Well, I...

NC: Wouldn't be able to act like an asshole for no reason?

Chart Guy 2: Oh, just like the real Jared Leto.

NC: No, no! (cringes)

Joker: Yeah... So it's totally justified. I'm deeper than I thought. Which I can also say for those anal beads.

NC: AH! (drops them in disgust)

Joker: SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO! (zips out of the room)

NC: Cut him out. You can cut him out all you want.

(Chart Guy 2 starts crossing out)

Chart Guy 1: Agreed. Though, we're also gonna have to reshoot the opening credits.

NC: What? How?

(Chart Guy 1 claps his hands, and the opening credits explode onto the screen, with neon colors, and guns and grenades flying all over the place)

NC: Hey, all right! That ain't half bad!

Chart Guy 2: Nothing says dark and gritty like bright and neon.

NC: All right, this is getting me hyped up! I'm ready for action!

(Before NC can leave, Chart Guy 1 grabs him by the shoulder and pushes him back down to the chair)

Chart Guy 2: Negative. Our charts show that some people prefer it when you sit at a desk and do nothing.

NC: Oh, come on. Who would want to start Suicide Squad with someone just sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters?

(The three of them look at the camera, before we start the review, which is presented with reenactments. The first scene is at a dimly lit meeting table with Doug and Tamara Chambers when Amanda Waller (Adonis KJ Wright) slaps a binder marked NUTS down on the table)

NC (vo): So we start Suicide Squad with someone sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters. Her name is Amanda, played by Viola Davis. (A splash screen for Amanda Waller comes up with bullet points: "-"Intelligence" Officer. -Just Won an Oscar. -Never Smiles, so She's Meeeeeeeean") She's an intelligence officer with an idea so insane it's just crazy enough not to work.

Amanda: Who do we call when the next Superman comes to take us out?

Doug: Wonder Woman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: The Flash.

Amanda: No.

Doug: Aquaman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: Cyborg.

Amanda: No.

Doug: Batman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: LEGO Batman.

Amanda: How about the villains those heroes fought?

Doug: (he closes the binder) Nope.

(THE END!)

NC: No, no, even though it would arguably save hundreds of lives, that's not what happens.

NC (vo): They actually hear her out.

Amanda: If another person as strong as Superman comes, we have to be ready.

Tamara: Are you seriously telling me that supervillains will do less harm than Superman?

Doug: Did you forget how good Metropolis looked after Superman saved it from Zod-- Okay, yeah, you have a point.

Tamara: Okay, let's have a look at these crazies.

Amanda: Our first mugshot is Deadshot.

(Deadshot, played by Malcolm, is shown with the description "Deadshot: -Survivor of Collateral Beauty. -Has mask made of Nike shoe. -Doesn't like it if you say "he shoots blanks."")

Amanda (vo): Deadliest assassin around and possible savior of Will Smith's career. (A gunman (Doug) holds up Deadshot. He just shoots up and the gunman drops dead) It also turns out he has a daughter, (also Malcolm) who knows how to play peacekeeper when he pisses off the wrong people.

(Suddenly, Batman (Doug) drops down)

Batman: It's over, Deadpool.

Deadshot: Deadshot!

Batman: Oh. Well, this movie got a lot less cool.

(Deadshot aims his own rifle at Batman. Batman cocks his own gun as well)

Batman: (laughing mockingly) Oh, please!

(Deadshot's daughter pops up)

Daughter: No! Killing him won't solve anything! It'll just turn you into a cold-hearted monster that any decent human being would immediately lose affection for!

(Deadshot is considering his daughter's words)

Batman: Yeah, well, that's never stopped me before. Now move out of the way, kid. I'm gonna shoot your daddy.

Daughter: I was talking to him, not you!

Batman: Oh, sorry! Usually, when people are angry about a costumed man killing people, it's about me.

Deadshot: You win, kid.

(He lowers his gun for his daughter's sake)

Batman: Oh, but I wanted to kill him! (He still shoots Deadshot in the leg, taking him down) I'm Batman! (exits the scene)

Amanda (vo): Next on our list is Captain Boomerang. (played by Bryan Porter) He's pretty much Rocksteady from Ninja Turtles before he was a rhino.

(Boomerang's description has "-Comes from "Foster" Family. -Never tried Vegemite. -Surprisingly hates boomerangs." Boomerang laughs and throws his boomerang out, making blood splatter all around before coming back to him)

Amanda (vo): His superpower, you guessed it, boomerang.

(Boomerang laughs again)

Doug: You're going to take down the next Superman...with a boomerang.

Amanda: Admittedly, it does sound stupid.

Tamara: Amazingly stupid.

Amanda: But you'll be distracted when I tell you the Flash is in this movie.

(The Flash (Walter Banasiak) walks by)

Flash: Hello.

(Boomerang is confused by the cameo before getting punched by a speeding Flash)

Tamara: Oh, what is that disgusting reptilian beast?

Amanda: That's the reason people are gonna have to call us "Academy Award Winning Suicide Squad."

(We get a zoom in on the back of Croc's head)

Amanda (vo): Our ticket to Best Makeup over a Star Trek film for some reason.

(We cut to Orlando Belisle, Jr. and Heather Reusz as two cops)

Amanda (vo): The scaly wonder himself, the Croc.

(Croc turns around to reveal Dinosaur Rob!)

Croc: (puts his hat on) I'm a dinosaur.

(Croc: "-A dinosaur. - Result of bad running joke. -Seriously, an Oscar?" The screen explodes in fire as Diablo (Walter) comes into the scene)

Amanda (vo): Next is Diablo, who can create fire and has sworn off violence, but we're saving his backstory for later, so we'll just skip him for now.

(He gets pushed aside by Harley Quinn, played again by Aiyanna Wade)

Amanda (vo): Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend.

(Harley Quinn: "-Formerly Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. -Creepy. -Kooky. -Mysterious. -Spooky. -All together ooky")

Doug: What's her superpower?

Amanda: Fanservice.

(Harley stands around looking pretty as cameras flash at her and the crowd cheers before being replaced with Harley and Joker stepping into the shadows)

Amanda (vo): She used to be Dr. Harleen Quinzell. She was assigned to the Clown himself. He got inside her mind and made her a dangerous killing machine.

(Both Joker and Harley take turns laughing, though on Harley's side she has skulls flashing on her eyes)

Tamara: Okay, are you reading her criminal record or her trading card?

(Amanda is shown holding Harley Quinn's trading card)

Amanda: Oh, um, I guess her trading card.

Tamara: Well, what does her criminal record say about how she can help us?

Amanda: Um, she has a mallet.

Tamara: Okay, last one.

Amanda: Okay, last one, the Enchantress.

(Smoke fills the screen before cutting to Dr. June Moon (Heather) being stalked by Enchantress (also Heather))

Amanda (vo): A young explorer went exploring in a cave and got possessed by an evil witch.

(June and Enchantress laugh before June gets possessed. Enchantress now appears dancing around surrounded in explosions)

Amanda (vo): She wants to take over the world and may have the power to do so. Under our control, though, she's the most powerful thing alive.

(NC reaches over and grabs Enchantress's profile)

NC: And that's all you need.

Tamara: What?

NC: The Enchantress. That's all you need. You can just chuck the rest of that binder into the garbage.

Amanda: Hey, I worked hard to find the worst of the worst.

NC: And you came across boomerangs, mallets, guns, a petting zoo, and a guy who makes fire who no longer makes fire. This is all you need. All your attention should be on her!

(Tamara takes the binder and closes it, then chucks it behind her back)

Tamara: He's right. We don't need to worry about them as long as we have that witch under our control.

Doug: Yeah, what, do you got her under a lockdown or military surveillance?

Amanda: Better. We have one guy looking after her in a hotel room.

(Everyone else is confused by this decision)

Tamara: What the...? That's clearly not enough!

Doug: What are you, a moron?!

Amanda: I can assure you it's okay. I can call to prove it. (As NC, Doug and Tamara watch, Amanda takes out her phone and makes a call) Oh, hi, Colonel. Amanda here. I was just wondering how... What's that? Oh. Uh-huh. Oh. (scoffs) Just let me know how that works out. (She hangs up and puts the phone down) So it appears she's escaped. (Doug smacks the desk and leaves. NC puts his hand down on his table in annoyance. Tamara tosses her glasses onto the desk) Who would've known a person that's bent on taking over the world will try to rule the world? (Tamara grabs a drink as Doug paces around, giving her double middle fingers before leaving)

(Via a jail cell door closing, we cut to a guard named Griggs (Walter) punching Captain Boomerang in his cell, before being confronted by the Joker, who is holding a knife)

NC (vo): While that's going on, one of the particularly mean security guards, played by Ike Barinholtz, is given a surprise visit in his off-time by Mr. J.

Joker: I can't wait to show you my toys.

Griggs: I know. You mailed me your anal beads last week.

Joker: That was the old me. The new me wants to show you my actual, scary toys.

Griggs: We're not gonna see them, are we?

Joker: No, that scene's been cut.

Griggs: Oh.

Joker: As well as this.

Griggs: Of course.

Joker: But that doesn't mean I can't hurt you off-screen.

(He moves closer to Griggs, with his knife next to his face)

Griggs: Critic? CRITIC!!

NC: Oh, knock it off, Jim, and let Walter go!

Joker: But I thought about what you said, Critic. That I need to get more psychotic to get into character. In fact, if you look under your desk, you might find another present I left for you.

NC: Oh, Christ. (Grabs another envelope and opens it to reveal a dead mouse) A dead mouse. Oh, yeah. (in a simpleton voice) You're really upping your game there.

Joker: Oh, not just any dead mouse. Doesn't it look a little familiar, like a certain pet you have at home?

(NC gasps in horror, realizing the dead mouse he's holding)

NC: Mrs. Brisby! (Gets angry) I'LL KILL YOU! (Joker laughs) I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!

(Joker resumes speaking to Griggs, giving him his cell phone)

Joker: By the way, give this to my girlfriend. You can keep the knife.

Griggs: What knife? (Joker stabs Griggs in the crotch. Griggs screams in pain, while the Joker does the Woody Woodpecker laugh and runs away. Griggs sobs in pain) Now that's a knife!

NC (vo): The guard does, however, come through on his promise.

(We transition via a jail cell door again to Griggs limping to Harley outside)

Griggs: Here. Your douche of a boyfriend said to give you that.

(Griggs hands Harley the phone, which has a text message on it. "Will save you soon. Am mailing a used condom to keep you company.")

Harley: Aww, how sweet, ha-ha! (to Griggs) You're in so much trouble! (leaves)

Griggs: (as the camera moves closer to his face) Trouble? Big trouble? What kind of trouble? (nervously) What's gonna happen to me?!

NC: Nothing happens to him. Yeah, he disappears from the film altogether, in fact.

Chart Guy 2: Ah, another one of our brilliant cuts.

Chart Guy 1: We fizzled that dizzle.

Chart Guy 2: For shizzle.

(The two of them fistbump)

Chart Guy 1: My bizzle.

NC: Yeah, but literally any payoff would've worked here, no matter how tiny!

(A house is shown exploding)

NC (vo): The Joker could blow up his home, (Griggs is shown running playfully when a safe drops on him) or take him out on a run, or, since he's fond of mailing things, he could get this in the mail.

(Griggs opens up an envelope which has a paper on it which says "YOU'RE ON TWO MORE SEASONS OF THE MINDY PROJECT!")

Griggs: NOOOOO!

NC: It'd take less than a day to shoot any of those.

Chart Guy 2: You don't understand, Critic. We're doing it for the fans.

NC: Yeah, you keep saying that. What does that excuse mean?

Chart Guy 1: It means we don't have to explain that much because the fans already know. Like, look at this character on their mission.

(We get a shot of Katana (Tamara))

Katana: I am Katana, and my sword holds the souls of the enemies that I kill with it. Here's a clip of me doing stuff with it. (We get shots of Katana pulling her sword out at different angles) Ooh.

(The rest of the Squad is confused)

Chart Guy 2: You see, that's all they need to know.

NC: No, you got her stats and backstory down, but we don't know her.

(Katana gets her own bullet points on screen: "-Japanese. -Master with a katana blade. -Wanted to be called Captain Katana but Boomerang was a bitch about it. -Her sword holds souls. -Talks to her husband via sword. -Mask has a dot on it.")

NC (vo): What's her personality, interests, dislikes, character traits? It's not like, say, an X-Files movie where the characters are already established in the TV show.

NC: This is a different interpretation that needs to be established.

Chart Guy 2: Look, I know our competitors...

Chart Guy 1: (turns to camera) Who may or may not have a talking raccoon...

Chart Guy 2: ...give their characters individual movies and then put them together into one. That makes audiences understand them better and cheer for them when they come together... (A long pause) I totally forgot where I was going with this.

Chart Guy 1: However, our fans don't need that because they've got the comics.

(A picture of a cosplayer as Frodo Baggins is shown while a book of The Lord of the Rings is behind him)

Chart Guy 2: Gandalf would be so much stronger if they replaced him with a Lord of the Rings paperback and said (A doodle of Gandalf is shown saying) "Come on, you know this guy, right?")

Chart Guy 1: In fact, we were even toying with the idea of replacing every character in this movie with recommended issue numbers. (Instead of the characters, we're shown recommended issues like Harley Quinn: Batman Adventures #12; Katana: Brave and the Bold #200; Diablo: All-Star Western #2 and Killer Croc: Batman #357) That way they can read up on the characters and we don't have to write them. So while you may think "for the fans" means lazy, we like to think it means...not that.

NC: Name one personality trait of Katana.

Chart Guy 1: Oh I dunno, I don't read comics.

(NC just puts his head down at that stupidity)

NC (vo): So the guy watching the Enchantress, who also happens to be in love with her, is Rick Flag. (An American flag waves in the back while the name RICK FLAG is shown) This guy is like Ford, the main character in Godzilla, (A clip of Godzilla 2000 is shown as we're on a shot of two soldiers with the camera zooming in on one) in that he's so forgettable that you don't realize this isn't Ford from Godzilla. (The scene moves up to a different soldier) This is. Because he can be switched out with anyone, (NC jumps into the scene wearing a RICK nametag) I'm just gonna play his part.

Chart Guy 2: You? Why you?

NC: Because if characters can be introduced with no rhyme or reason, why can't I be one?

(NC and Enchantress squat over a bomb. Enchantress points behind him and he looks, only for her to poof away. NC just snaps his fingers in an "aw shucks" way)

NC (vo): He's tricked by the Enchantress to break out of Amanda's control along with her resurrected brother. (An explosion happens and the Suicide Squad is formed) This calls for the most unqualified people in the world. (A shot of the team is shown) So he leads his team of villains to stop the Enchantress from taking over the world and

Slipknot: (played by Orlando) Wait a minute. How come I didn't get any bite credits or backstory?

Harley: Oh, um... I dunno.

Slipknot: What, Native American guy doesn't get any attention?

NC: Oh no, um, just nothing like that.

(Everyone is just embarrassed that they forgot about him)

Slipknot: I'm just here to die, aren't I?

(Everyone is all saying no to that question)

Slipknot: Yes it is, yes it is. You're gonna use the remote in that hand to blow up the chip inside my head!

NC: Okay, everyone has a chip in their head. If you try to escape, you die, okay? I'm not singling anyone out.

Boomerang: I think he's lying. You should give it a shot.

Slipknot: Did you hear that? He's trying to kill me! Discount Sokka is trying to kill me!

Deadshot: For god's sake, you're not just here to die.

Slipknot: What's my name?

(Of course nobody remembers his name or knows it)

NC: Spirit Iron Knife?

Deadshot: Thunderhawk?

Tamara: Nightwolf?

Harley: Cleveland Redshirt?

Boomerang: The asshole lawyer from Jurassic Park. (Gennaro)

Slipknot: You know what, screw you guys. I'm not dying for any of you assholes!

NC: All right, fine. I'll dismantle your chip out of white guilt. You happy?

(Suddenly Slipknot's head explodes, leaving him dead. NC is confused by what just happened)

NC: Who the hell had another remote!?

(Joker appears holding a remote of his own)

Joker: You know, you're right. Killing people really helps me get into character. Who would've thought it was so inspiring?

NC: Damn it, Jim, you're a real asshole! Stop killing my cast!

Joker: Don't blame me. Blame the character.

(Joker laughs before going to sit down to an interview with Doug while the caption of "Jim Jarosz on Playing Jim Jarosz Playing Jared Leto as the Joker" is on the bottom)

Jim: I know it's a risky method and people probably won't like me for it, but I felt the sacrifice was worth it for the character.

NC: Now what are you doing?

Jim: That's the whole reason why I'm doing this. So I can gloat to reporters how awesome I am.

NC: Get out of here!

(Jim and Doug leave the scene)

Doug: What do you think about people claiming you're only doing this for attention?

Jim: They're right.

(And we go to commercial!)