Monkeybone

(Open on the NC sitting at his desk reading from a binder, when two kids, played by Malcolm and Tamara, walk up)

NC: Oh, what's this, kids? (Tamara hands him a folded-up piece of paper; he unfolds it and looks at it) Oh, this is another excuse to do weird stuff again, isn't it? (Malcolm and Tamara nod their heads) Well, your last excuse did result in Beetlejuice, and that was a big critical and box office hit. (the kids nod again; he hands them back the paper) Okay, you can take the rest of the day doing another one. (smiling, the kids walk off, as the NC goes back to reading his binder, chuckling) Those budget scams...

(Later, he is seen still sitting at his desk, reading the binder. Now, however, looks rather bored and listless as he has his hand on his fist. Again, Malcolm and Tamara walk up, holding another folded piece of paper, which the NC takes, unfolds and examines)

NC: (looking up from the paper) This is another excuse to do weird stuff again, isn't it? (the kids nod) Okay, look, the last time you did this, you made Little Monsters, and that wasn't nearly as good, (folds the paper again) so I want you to try a lot harder this time, okay? (smiling eagerly, Malcolm and Tamara take the paper and leave, while the NC picks up his binder again)

NC: (sighs) I'm sure they'll get it this time around.

(Still later, the NC, now looking quite annoyed, continues to look at the binder, with his hands clutching at the sides of his head. He looks up sharply to see Malcolm and Tamara approach once more with another folded-up paper)

NC: (irritably slamming binder shut and grabbing paper away) Okay, look, your last film was Cool World. COOL WORLD! There's only so many times you can use this excuse for doing weird stuff, just for the sake of doing weird stuff! (the kids nod) I'm giving you one more chance. If this one isn't nearly as good as Beetlejuice, you're both in big trouble! All right? (the kids nod and smile; NC slams folded paper down on desk) Get outta my sight.

(The kids take the paper and leave, as the NC looks at the binder again, with a look of annoyance. Still later, Malcolm and Tamara approach the NC's room once again, with another folded paper, which they hold out to the NC. But the NC looks toward them with a face twisted in pure fury: he shakes his head around, rolls his twitching eyes and gnashes his teeth at them; the kids look quite terrified)

Tamara: ...Did you enjoy Monkeybone? (Malcolm smiles)

(The NC just keeps shaking his head around at them, and then he opens his mouth as if to scream his head off! Then, we abruptly cut to Malcolm and Tamara now writing on a whiteboard, "I WILL NOT BREATHE", over and over again. Tamara is writing in a black marker and Malcolm in a blue marker)

Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison, as they write) I will not breathe... I will not breathe...

NC: (smiling) Well, how can you accomplish that if you're saying it?

(The kids take in a very deep breath and go back to writing on the whiteboard. The NC nods in satisfaction. Now cue the 2017 NC titles, followed by the NC sitting at his usual spot)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sometimes, we like to give in to the dark and weird, simply because it's dark and weird.

(Cut to a shot of Tim Burton)

NC (vo): Some directors are so good at creating them, it's how they make their living...

(Cut to a shot of Return to Oz)

NC (vo): ...giving us visually goofy...

(Cut to a poster for The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

NC (vo): ...oddly nonsensical...

(Cut to a shot of Labyrinth)

NC (vo): ...yet somehow massively...

(Cut to a shot of The Witches of Eastwick)

NC (vo): ...entertaining madness.

(The montage of the following posters occurs: The Frighteners, Howard the Duck, Son of the Mask, Super Mario Bros. Movie, The Witches (1990) and Theodore Rex)

NC (vo): But there's a right way and a wrong way to do it, and after a while, the novelty of the strange wears off, and we see what still holds up and what doesn't.

(The posters of the movies NC mentions are shown)

NC (vo): Films like Gremilns, Addams Family (1991) and ParaNorman still hold up.

NC: Films like Monkeybone, Monkeybone and Monkeybone do not.

(The title of the movie is shown, before going to its clips)

NC (vo): It's hard to say why some of these other weird films work, but it's fair easy to see why this weird film doesn't. Despite it being visually stunning and surreal, it's annoying as balls! It's loud, it's stupid, it's a good thing the director did (the posters of The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline, the animated movies directed by Henry Selick, are shown) these films, because, much like a trippy coma, I don't know how far I can go before I couldn't come back!

NC: So, why is this the one that killed the weird and dark movies for a while? Let's take a look with Monkeybone.

(The film opens with a very strange cartoon, set in a school classroom)

Stu Miley: (narrating) It was third grade. You know how some teachers have those flabs on their arms? (the teacher in question's arms are so flabby as to look almost suggestive, much to the delight of one student) I began to feel... aroused!

NC: Instantly sold!

Stu Miley: (narrating) There he was... (out of the student's backpack pops...) Monkeybone! (Monkeybone starts fondling the teacher's flabs)

NC (vo): I'm so glad Cartoon Network green-lit "An R-Crum Christmas".

NC: (looking up in thought) Though I'm surprised the title wasn't "Merry Crummus" or "Beware the Crumpus".

(It is revealed that this cartoon was acutally shown at a movie theater, and an audience applauds after it ends)

NC (vo): Honestly, I'm not even really joking. This is a new kids' show that's going to hit television called "Monkeybone". And isn't this just the audience you would expect applauding a show like this?

NC: (as the audience member, pretends to push someone with his elbow) Move over, Samantha! Our new Sex in the City is Monkeybone. (nods slowly, smiling)

NC (vo): Look at this. There's even tons of kids' merchandise. They're that certain it's gonna be a hit.

(A man representing Bazoom Toys named Bill is shown introducing the so-called Monkeybone phone)

Bill: Every kid's gonna want three and they're gonna want their friends to have three, otherwise they're not gonna be friends anymore.

NC: (shifts eyes) Uh, yeah. For this.

(The clip of the teacher showing her flabby arms is shown again)

Stu: I began to feel...aroused.

NC (vo): You have no idea how excited kids are to see what (the poster for...) Duckman giving up looks like!

NC: You know, aside from...the first time. (The digital release cover for Rugrats is shown)

NC (vo): The human representation of the 90s trying to die in the 2000s trying to begin...

NC: ...or, as you call him, David Foley...

NC (vo): ...addresses the crowd and introduces the creator of the comic strip the show is based on, Stu Miley, played by Brendan Fraser-

NC: (deadpan) He did not draw that!

NC (vo): You lying sack of suck, he did not come up with any of what we just saw!

(Tamara and Malcolm stop writing on the whiteboard to talk with NC)

Malcolm: Oh, come on, there's usually good-looking characters in these weird, dark films.

Tamara: Yeah, why doesn't it work here?

NC: SILENCE!

(He throws the brush at Malcolm, and it hits him in the head)

Malcolm: Ow!

NC: (to the camera) In all those other films, the main character was quirky, but still normal.

(The screenshots from Beetlejuice, Return to Oz and The Witches of Eastwick showing their main characters surrounded by strange things are shown)

NC (vo): The grounding reality to offset the strangeness that the rest of the film is about to throw at you.

(Back to Monkeybone)

NC (vo): But Fraser is already supposed to be weird and awkward and tormented. The crazy geek behind the odd cartoons.

NC: Tell me if even for a nanosecond you believe he's that kind of guy!

(Cut to a later scene of Stu talking to his girlfriend, Julie McElroy)

Stu: The cool thing is that (opens the exit door) you open it; you go out, it closes, and you can't get back in.

Malcolm: Okay...

Tamara: Yeah, that's pretty bad.

NC: No, no, no, he's so believable! Just look...

NC (vo): ...at his chiseled, smiling, action-hero demeanor that so represents the shy artist!

(Cut to another clip of Stu embracing Julie)

Stu: Yes, I could, but if later got here sooner, it...it would be a lot better.

Malcolm: All right!

Tamara: We get it.

NC: I mean...not since Woody Allen or Paul Giamatti have I so bought...

NC (vo): ...the introverted, uncomfortable social outcast this much!

(At the car, Stu and Julie see the truck with Monkeybone on it)

Stu: Look at this. Now he won't let us leave.

Julie: Who?

Stu: The monkey!

Julie: The monkey is good luck.

Stu: I never had any good luck.

Malcolm: We get it!

Tamara: We won't choose someone like him ever again!

NC: And what did we say about BREATHING?!

(The kids take a deep breath and continue writing)

NC (vo): He's (Stu) about to propose to his girlfriend, played by Bridget Fonda...again, representing the weirdo loser who gets lost in his own awkwardness...

Tamara: We said we're sorry!

NC: Breathing?!

(The kids take a deep breath again, but while Malcolm goes back to writing, Tamara passes out)

NC (vo): And he tried to get her to leave the place, because, you now, this social stuff is so hard on him.

NC: He's totally gonna bench less if he talks anymore. Oh, I mean, uh, in-between this (gestures) weird cartooning.

Julie: But, Stu, you want to leave?

Stu: Yeah.

Julie: You're a hit! Everybody loves you!

Stu: Come on...

NC: (holds up hands) Okay, advice, by the way... Don't have a background that's more interesting than your foreground.

NC (vo): Like most of you, I'm not listening to a thing they're saying, and instead trying to figure out...

(Zoom in on the picture with Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons on it that is hanging on the wall nearby Julie)

NC (vo): ...what episode of Simpsons that Krusty frame is from.