Moves Like Jagger

(Todd plays "Moves Like Jagger" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: MAROON 5 ft. CHRISTINA AGUILERA - "MOVES LIKE JAGGER" A pop song review)

Todd: You know, there's one statement I find that gets more true over time. It's that it's really, really hard out there in the world for white males.

{cke_protected_1}Todd (VO): It's certainly hard out there on the pop charts, where we haven't had a big name white male pop singer in a long time. [video for "Rock Your Body"] The last real one out there was Justin Timberlake but he quit his day job several years ago to pursue his dream [video for "Dick in a Box"] of making funny videos on the internet.

Todd: Pff, what an idiot.

["Rock Your Body"] {cke_protected_2}Todd (VO): And since then, there hasn't really been a white male pop star to replace him. I mean, [video for "Not Afraid"] I guess there's Eminem, if you really stretch the definition of 'Pop Singer'. '[cut to...] And there's Justin Bieber, of course, although he gets so little airplay, he's more like a well-known niche performer. [cut to...] And Mike Posner... [video for "Bow Chikcka Wow Wow"] Yeah, I think we're all done with that.

Todd: So, there was a male vacancy to be filled in the pop world. And all of a sudden, we decided that the person to fill that void was a prinny peacock by the name of Adam Levine.

[video for Maroon 5's "This Love"] Todd (VO): Adam Levine, in case you don't know, is the lead singer and guitarist of [cover of latest album] Maroon 5, a band that...

Todd: Well, I have to be honest, I've never felt any good.

[video for "Misery"] Todd (VO): Well, I mean, I don't understand what their appeal is. Their music is too sour and harsh to be catchy but too polished and weak to rock, you know?

Todd: Actually, no, I think some of their songs are OK. There's definitely a kind of "Maroon 5 sound" and they sound as best when they get as far from that as possible. And they are capable of making good music, I admit that. More often they're just... really bad!

[video for "Wake Up Call"] Todd (VO): Seriously, why would anyone want to listen to this?

Todd: Alledgedly, their sound is based on funk rock but... their idea of "funk" is stiffer and whiter than [image of...] a dead white seal.

[video for "Won't Go Home Without You"] Todd (VO): Not helping either is the fact that I've always been kind of put off by Adam Levine's weird, not quite human, voice.

Levine: I won't go home without you!

Todd (VO): Seriously, he's like a clarinet that learned to talk.

Todd: No wonder their first single was called [video for] "Harder to Breathe", because he sounds like he's going out of air.

[video for "Give a Little More"] Todd (VO): Like I've said, they're not always terrible, but for the most part, Maroon 5 writes a lot of catty, douchey songs, and Levine seems way too impressed with himself, so I was not too broken up when that last Maroon 5 album did not do so well, probably because it didn't mention clubs too much, as that was all we were listening to last year.

Todd: But Levine apparently didn't like the idea of him fading into obscurity as much as I did, so he started working over time to keep with the publicity. [clip from The Voice] Became the celebrity judge on some American Idol ripoff called The Voice, [clip from interview] started hitting all the talk shows, [clip from Gym Class Heroes' "Stereo Hearts"] did guest verses on hip hop songs... [video from "Moves Like Jagger"] and most importantly, his band made a dance song called "Moves Like Jagger."