Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to!

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NC (vo): We’re all familiar with the term ‘damsel in distress,’ the helpless female who always has to get rescued by the male and in return, turns herself into the reward. It’s a cliché as old as time itself.

''Clips of various movie scenes with men and women in peril ''

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NC (vo): But, in recent years, it’s gone through sort of an equal rights movement. We’ve discovered that even males have to be rescued once in a while and that truly, stupidity knows no gender.

NC: But goddammit, do they have to be so obnoxious?

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NC (vo): The cliché is bad enough, but when the character clearly shows that he or she can take care of themselves, it just pisses you off when you’re the one who has to save them in the end. Or on top of that, if they’re just annoying as hell to begin with. Now, I’m not talking about ALL repeat hostages. For example, April O’Neal got captured all the time, but she was also funny, clever, and had a very likeable character. Indiana Jones’ father got captured a lot, but again, he was a lot of fun to have an adventure with.

NC: These are the people you want to smack in the face every time they get into trouble.

NC (vo): They’re the obnoxious little pawns whose only purpose is to be rescued, to the point where you just want to say, “You know what? Let the train hit ‘em.”

NC: And I’m here to count down the top 11 of them here today. Why top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So, sit back and enjoy the top 11 dumbasses in distress.

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">The Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Number 11 – Mary Jane Watson

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Scenes from the Spiderman movies ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Now, I’m mainly going on the movies for this, though I did hear she got kidnapped a lot in the comics and the cartoon. Yeah, she’s nice and all, but it’s pretty clear she’s just there to be the person Peter saves. I mean, let’s do a quick count of how many times Peter saves her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Mary Jane slips in the lunchroom and Peter catches her – 1 ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Peter grabs her just as she’s about to hit the pavement – 2 ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Peter pulls villain away from her – 3 ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Peter dives and catches her in midair – 4 ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Peter catches her to keep her from falling into a fiery pit – 5 ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Peter catches the cab she’s in with his Spidey webs – 6 ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): SIX times! That’s six times in THREE movies! Some would say one is enough, but SIX?! Hell, one time was actually in a lunchroom. A fucking LUNCHROOM, are you kidding me? She can’t even eat without somebody having to save her?! We honest-to-God have to protect her from her own food? Put traffic cones around that apple juice, that shit is lethal! How about the fact that the reason that Peter stays away from her is because he’s afraid that if the enemies find out who he is, they’ll kidnap her? Well, she found out in the second film and she was already in peril FIVE TIMES before that point. Hell, after she got together with him, she was only kidnapped once! I guess in a way that’s sort of an improvement. The only film where she sort of starts to become a three-dimensional character is in the third one, but even then, ironically, people say there’s TOO much of her. And that most of the time, it was just her bawling out Peter anyway. Oh, don’t worry though, she’ll be hanging out of a building in a few seconds. I love Kristen Dunst, but man, Mary Jane is a Mary Pain

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Mary Jane: Some dream, huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 10 – Kayley from Quest for Camelot

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scenes from Quest for Camelot

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Okay, this chick wants to be a knight at a time where women weren’t allowed to be knights. Well, good for her for going against the norm and wanting to be strong. But the only problem is SHE ISN’T STRONG! And I don’t mean physically, I mean in ANY sense. All she ever says is how she’s going to be the world’s greatest knight and yet every other second she always has to be rescued by a blind man. A freakin’ blind man.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scene of said blind man – Garrett – beating up two of Kayley’s pursuers

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Well, maybe you could say she’s just starting out, and only got better as time went on. But no, she gets captured again and has to be saved this time by a chicken – a FREAKIN’ CHICKEN!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Bladebeak: Bladebeak, at your service! (cuts Kayley’s bonds)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Lady, if you’re put in situations where a blind man and a CHICKEN can do better than you, maybe knighthood shouldn’t be your first option.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Kayley: Well, I see no reason why I can’t come along.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I can think of only one time where she saved the blind guy, but that’s it. Every other time, it’s just her getting captured and yet still boasting about how she’s going to be the world’s greatest knight. Young lady, you DEFINITELY need a career change.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Kayley: I want to save Camelot!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo) Number 9 – Willie and Shortround, from the Temple of Doom

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Scenes from Indiana Jones movies ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Say what you will about the other Indiana Jones movies, but they had some kick ass leading ladies. Marian: awesome, Dr. Schneider: awesome, that…Russian dominatrix…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: looks around awkwardly …weird, but still awesome!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scenes from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): And then you got Willie, that pain in the ass who never shut the fuck up.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Willie: We’re not sinking, we’re crashing! ''Shrieks ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): She contributes nothing, constantly has to be saved, and all she does is bitch and moan throughout the entire film.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Scenes of Willie griping about riding an elephant ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Oh, that’s a lady I’d want to fight for.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Willie picks up a bat accidentally and screams hysterically. Indiana Jones looks up and then back at Shortround''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Indiana Jones: Biggest trouble with her is the NOISE.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): She’s so annoying that Indy would rather make out with naked statues. Hey, at least they’re quiet.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Willie: Hey, I’m right here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): But hey, she’s not the only one who’s a pain in (?)Kali’s(?) balls. Shortround is also an obnoxious little fortune cookie.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Shortround: Okey-dokey Dr. Jones. Hold onto your potatoes!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I don’t know if it’s mean to say or not, but his accent drives me nuts! Actually, I take it back – it’s not the accent, it’s the fact that he screams every line with that accent.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Clips of Shortround yelling with that accent ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): God, SHUT UP!!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Shortround: Come on, let’s go, let’s go!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I need to watch that scene where he gets smacked like a bajillion times.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Indiana'' Jones smacks Shortround and he falls to the ground ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: golfclapping, whispering Joy!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Same clip as above plays over and over and over ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I also love that scene where he breaks through the bridge.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Shortround falls through bridge. ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: chanting, thumping fists on table Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Shortround: Help!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): To his credit, he does help Indiana Jones out once in a while and I guess that it is pretty cool that he can drive a freaking car. But most of the time he’s just being rescued from the bad guys and screaming all the way.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">More Shortround screaming

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Indy, if you honestly think these two are worth dying for, they ain’t. Trust me when I say your Willie is not worth saving when she acts like

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Picture of Indiana Jones, then focuses down on the crotch ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): well, like YOUR willie.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Shortround: He’s crazy!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 188.0pt">NC (vo): Number 8 – Robin

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 188.0pt">NC (vo): Just about every variation of this character has him as the whining little decoy. I mean, just look at what he’s wearing. Batman is dressed in black so he can blend into the shadow, he wears the mask so he can strike fear into the heart of his enemies. Robin just looks like a bullseye. He just seems to just scream, ‘Hit me!’ Everybody knows it and everybody makes fun of it, even Tiny Toons.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 188.0pt">Plucky Duck: Someone I can count on, someone who can wear a bright red uniform and draw all the fire. Hampton, who is dressed like Robin, stiffens in shock. Uh, uh, attention. So what do you say, Decoy Caped Hostage?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 188.0pt">Hampton: I take it there’s little point in discussing retirement benefits?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): He’s pretty annoying in the animated series, too. He just seemed like that dweeb that was going to try to represent the younger, sarcastic hip crowd.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Robin: No problemo, Batman.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Yeah, remember how many times you said THAT growing up?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Robin: Don’t look at me, I flunked Greek mythology, remember?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Surprisingly, the character was a little more badass when they switched him to the younger kid. But even then he had his fair share of hostage situations, too. Actually Robin was one of the few things that Batman Forever did okay. They did make us feel the pain he was going through and, shockingly, even managed to turn that bullfighter cape into a pretty cool costume. It’s the only time Robin actually sort of looked classy. But even in that movie, by the end he had to be rescued one, two, THREE times in the entire third act. And of course, do we even need to discuss Batman & Robin? Yeah, how’d his dialogue go again?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (as Robin): Nyeh eh nyeh whine whine

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Well, he may be the world’s most famous sidekick but he’s also one of them that makes you want to say, ‘Maybe I should let him drop.’

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Robin: Holy migraine!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 7 – Inspector Gadget

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Poster for Disney’s Inspector Gadget appears. Yeah, let’s ignore that piece of d*** movie and just focus on the cartoon. Inspector Gadget really pisses me off because he has all the power in the freakin’ world. He’s like Robocop times ten, he has every gadget for every problem. And what always ends up happening? HIS DAMN TEN-YEAR-OLD NIECE ALWAYS HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Penny: I think I know what they’re up to.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Good God, why didn’t they just give HER all the cool little gadgets? I mean, true, she does have that book and that watch, but couldn’t they just put all that stuff in an INTELLIGENT person?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: In fact, how cool would it be if Penny got ALL those gadgets?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Picture of Penny all suited up with all kinds of epic gadgets, combined with epic chanting ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Pretty fucking sweet.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): As much as Penny always had to rescue her uncle, it was sort of a strange circle of abductions they had going on. When Inspector Gadget gets in trouble, Penny has to save him. When Penny gets in trouble, Brain has to save her. But when Brain gets in trouble, Corporal Cape Man has to save him, but if Corporal Cape Man gets in trouble,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: waves hands dismissively and then hits them on table Well, the fucking world blows up.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Bottom line: just don’t rely on THIS idiot. He’s a fucking lemming. I guess he made the show fun for kids, but man, someone seriously needs to give this inspector a clue.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Inspector Gadget: You can count on me, chief. I’m always on duty.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Number 6 – Lois Lane

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Well, you know you can’t have a dumbass in distress without mentioning HER. A lot of this depends on what version you go to, though. If you go to the older comics, she’s just a dimwit who needs rescuing. Black and white show, dimwit. Old cartoon, dimwit. By the time the movies hit, though, she was a little bit more developed and grew much more attitude. The same thing can be said for the animated series, and they turned her into a much more cynical and enjoyable character. But you could make the argument that this only made her worse. In the old days it was just common for the woman to just be the reward for the man and therefore be underdeveloped. But with the movie and the cartoon, they developed her as a tough, no-nonsense person. She would do anything to get the story and was determined to put her all into it. So, really her being kidnapped all the time doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I guess the idea is that she’s way in over her head, but they establish that she can be really smart, and a smart person wouldn’t constantly need someone to save her. She could probably take care of herself. By doing this, she becomes less of a character and more of an annoyance. You just want to say, ‘Dude, don’t go in there, you KNOW what’s gonna happen. Take the hint!’ This also makes her maybe a little bit TOO reliable on Superman. For someone so smart and independent, she sure is willing to just throw herself for him, isn’t she? People poke fun of how many times Superman rescues her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Man: You just hold on that little lady, and he’ll be along.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Mook: Miss…?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Lois: Lane.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Mook: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Lois: ‘Fraid so.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Lois smirks as the plane shakes and the mook stumbles around in fear. ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): At least with April, you sort of knew she was greedy and probably deserved what was coming to her. On top of that, she served as the heroes’ means to interact with the human world. Lois’ job just seemed to be to get caught. And then report on it. I admire later versions for trying to make her more three-dimensional, but MAYBE that just makes her stupider.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Lois: I hate to say, I’ve gotten used to it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 5 – Jubilee

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): She’s very similar to Robin in that she was supposed to represent the younger crowd who watched the story, and for a while, she did. In the first few episodes, she actually does have a few good lines.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''A gas canister opens up around Jubilee ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Cyclops: Hold onto me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Jubilee: drowsily I don’t have…a whole lot…of choice. Faints in his arms.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I mean, sure she got caught a lot but she was starting out, too. But by the time the first season went by, not only was she getting caught a lot, she was a WHINER.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Jubilee: different scenes Are you blind? Is this gonna take long? What is your problem? He’s on OUR side!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): With Robin you sort of knew was dead on arrival; you know he’s never going to connect with the younger crowd dressed like that. And plus, a grown man hanging out with a little kid…kinda creepy. But Jubilee, despite also having a weird wardrobe, had a better chance of connecting because she was part of a group. And on top of that, it was a group of rebels, which every kid loves and relates to. So that’s why it really sucks that she became such a third wheel. We WANTED to feel like that kid was a part of a team, but she mostly just complained until somebody would come along and save her. And we didn’t want that representing us. We want to fight right alongside them, not be rescued all the time. I don’t recall her being too much better in the comics, but at least she did have a few more kickass scenes. The show however, her power’s about as effective as-

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Kid: A spray can!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Yeah.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): What else can you say but,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Jubilee: Does a mall baby eat chili fries?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): …that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 4 – Scrappy Doo.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Oh my God, I hate this little turd. This was Scooby Doo’s…I don’t know, nephew, cousin, weekend son, I have no idea, but he was annoying as hell. He would always act tough and rush into situations thinking he could save the day, but of course he’s the size of an 8-ball. So physical violence is probably not going to help you here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scrappy Doo: Let me at ‘em! Let me at ‘em!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Naturally Shaggy and Scooby had to go in and rescue him every time he’d throw himself into peril. Yeah, you’re making THESE guys look brave!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scrappy Doo: Come on, Uncle Scooby! Ta ta ta ta tata!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): His voice was annoying, the character was annoying, the fact that he never shuts UP is annoying, GOD he was annoying! Oh, and did I forget to mention his annoying catch phrase?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scrappy Doo: Ta ta ta ta tata! Puppy Power!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Oh, God, first the Pound Puppies movie, now this?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): When are you going to learn that a catchphrase isn’t going to catch on?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scrappy Doo: Scrappy Dappy Doo!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): If I ever see a dog like him crossing the street, I’m stepping on the gas because the sooner I can eradicate this little bitch from being anybody else’s problem, the better!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Scrappy Doo: I’m Scrappy Doo!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Nostalgia Critic laughs sarcastically and then grabs a gun and begins firing erratically at the screen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 3 – Jar Jar Binks

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): As if I even need to go into much detail. He cemented himself as one of the most annoying characters in all of cinema. But on top of that, he always has to have his ass saved as well. Even when they first meet him, they have to rescue him from something. That’s a good introduction.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Jar Jar Binks: You saved my again!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Obi-Wan Kenobi: What’s this?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Qui-gon Jinn: A local.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I think the most I’ve ever seen him do in these movies is lead them to where the underwater city is. That’s it. Everything else is either getting himself in trouble or getting other people in trouble. And then somehow this guy gets a position of government. Well, I guess that makes sense: saying nothing but garbage, being terrified of people, and yet never listening to what they have to say.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: nods head Yep, that adds up.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): And I’ll guess I’ll point out what everyone else has as well: if Jar Jar was never put in power, then the Emperor never would have made his clone army, and EVERYTHING wouldn’t have gone to shit.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: So, yeah. Hits desk. Everything that goes wrong in the following movies, you can TOTALLY blame on Jar Jar.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Clip of the Millennium Falcon being attacked is shown with the words, Because of Jar Jar! ''underneath. ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): What else do I even need to say about him? His voice sucks, the character sucks, he can’t take care of himself, and he doomed all the galaxy. FUCK him!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Jar Jar Binks: I speak!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Qui-Gon Jinn: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Number 2 – Princess Peach

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I could punch this broad in the face! Really, I could. How many times has this whore been kidnapped? Haven’t they upped the security yet so that it doesn’t happen anymore? And every time it DOES happen, she just keeps her pretty little smile. Mocking Tee-hee-hee-hee! FUCK you, bitch. I’m risking my life for you for the twentieth fucking time, and don’t you dare insult me by saying you’re going to bake me a cake. No, you give me a position of power, you fucking bimbo. I know more about this kingdom then you do – you see, I’ve been through it like a million times. You can’t even stay around long enough to remember what it’s called.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Points to himself. I’m running the show now, Peach. ''Grabs a gun and points it at the screen. ''I’m running the show!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): I don’t know, I think it’s just the attitude, the fact that she has no problem that you have to save her all the time. It just never seems to faze her, she never seems to feel bad. In fact, listen to this note that they have in the Mario Brothers Wii.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Note appears on screen, Nostalgia Critic reads it: ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): reads Dear Mario, Because of my most recent kidnapping stops reading RECENT KIDNAPPING? What is this, just another day at the store for you? It doesn’t even faze you anymore. You go out there and risk your life, whore, it ain’t easy! The other thing that annoys me is just that she never DOES anything. She just smiles and gets caught. That’s it. Oh, wait, there was Mario 2 where she could frigging fly in the air, that was really cool. But guess what, THAT WAS A DREAM! It never happened! So that literally means she has contributed nothing to the Mario games. Okay, you got Smash Brothers and Mario Party and so forth, but come on. They’re just go-carting and playing games. Hell, she uses a frying pan as a weapon. A frying pan and her BUTT! These are what women used in the 40s as weapons, are you fucking serious?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Next you’ll be telling me her main weapon in the game is crying!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''Clip of Princess Peach in the game doing exactly that. NC stares in horror at the screen. ''

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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: I hate you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): Ugh, Princess Peach. If you still want to save her after all this, you’ll have plenty of opportunities.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can I possibly top Princess Peach, one of the most famous damsels in distress of all time? Well, believe it or not, there is actually one worse. Who can it possibly be? Let’s take a look.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): And the absolute biggest dumbass in distress is…Bella, from Twilight.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): This has to be the most selfish, male-dependent, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whiny little bitch bag you will ever see in your entire life!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: And honestly, it wouldn’t be too bad of a character, it’d be very, very interesting…IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): But it’s not. Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that’s the case, then the story got really mixed up about who the bloodsucking monster is. She thinks she’s tortured even though really she has no problems, she gets a crush on a boy and decides she wants to marry him even though she’s not even out of high school yet, she wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. Aren’t you GLAD you followed through with every bright idea you had at 17, aren’t you GLAD you totally committed to something that you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Oh, yeah, 17. nobody EVER fucks up at that age!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): The boyfriend tries to leave her so that he can save her, but she constantly keeps throwing herself off cliffs and putting herself in danger just so he can notice her. Good fucking God. Bella jumps off cliff. That’s right, girls, if your boyfriend leaves you, do exactly this, I assure you it won’t backfire in the least.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Sure, you might be DEAD, but that’ll teach him!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC (vo): She then gets another boy involved who actually seems supportive and attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird, and by God, how can she turn down a guy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant choices you make at 17. So now a whole war is going on, all because of her, and everyone is going out of their way to try and protect her as she’s simply like, ‘Yeah, that’s cool.’ Oh, wait, she does try to say once that she’s not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she IS worth it and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere. And just as her boyfriend finally agrees to marry her – imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage – she dicks around with the other guy yet again. Oh my God, I mean, Oh, my, God. I have seen a character more needy and more insecure. She’s such a dumbass in distress that it’s actually kind of scary. She is a scary character. In another dimension, maybe she could have been a great Shakespeare villain, this really complex, developed, psychotic mind. But as the common, everyday relatable girl that we’re all supposed to identify with, she is and always shall be the biggest dumbass in distress.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Looks off screen

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: Pray for these boys, people

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Pictures of Edward and Jacob show up on either side of him

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">NC: whispers Pray for them. ''He bites his finger and gets up. ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">''

''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt">THE END