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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 13 (August 1, 2008)

(That Guy is seen reading a book. He looks up and shuts it)

That Guy: Oh! Wahn Wahn Mon! Didn't see you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

(Title card comes up with music)

Narrator: What are the ingredients of Mountain Dew?

That Guy: That's a very good question. First start off with half a cup of sugar, then toss in a teaspoon of salt, carbonate it so you get all those nice little bubbles, and last but not least, horse urine, lots and lots of horse urine. For Mountain is actually an old Indian term meaning "Hey! This is horse urine!". And that is how babies are made.

Narrator: What was your reaction to the infamous "2 girls, 1 cup" video?

That Guy: This. (shows clip of That Guy running out of his house screaming) And I will never be the same again. (cries)

Narrator: Were you the inspiration for the smash Nickelodeon series "Doug"?

That Guy: Yes! I was the inspiration for the Nickelodeon show "Doug"! Isn't that amazing? Some producers came by and said "Ooh! We should make a show out of him!" And I said "Oh! You don't want to make a show out of me!" But they're like "No! We're gonna make a show out of you!" And then, what do you know? They made a show about me! Isn't that just fantastic? I'm sorry, I just really, really hate that question. Please go impale yourself now, slowly.

Narrator: If you rape a prostitute, is it rape or just theft?

That Guy: Well, in most cases it's just theft. But, in other cases, where someone wants to call you into court, let's say on Thursday, and you're facing criminal charges even though you gave her the best damn sex in her life and she even said so afterwards, I guess they can charge you for both! How 'bout that!? And I'm not saying this because I did anything like that, I'm saying this because I did exactly that. You know I have never lit this pipe?

Narrator: In the last episode, you mentioned the ruler of Hell as Lucifire. did you mean Lucifer?

That Guy: Actually, no. Lucifire was his name before he changed it to Lucifer. You see, one day, Benjamin Franklin approached the prince of darkness, oh yes, Benjamin Franklin is in Hell. Strange, that. And he said "You know, Lucifire sounds a little harsh, maybe you could soften it out. Perhaps, you could try Lucifer. Because when people hear "fur", they think of soft smothness. But, they also think fur is murder. So, you have softness and murder all in one glorious package." Lucifer agreed and they lived happily never after. Wasn't that a wonderful story? (whispers) Oh yes. This That Guy With The Glasses saying there's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (Winks and goes back to reading his book)