Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

''(Following the shortened Channel Awesome logo, a new NC opening plays for 2018. It opens with the usual shot of an explosion, resulting in the NC aiming and firing his gun, but it has been modified to show him in his bald state used now. This title sequence is different from all the rest in that it features actual opening credits (behind them, the multiple clips from all the NC reviews from 2017, small part of 2016 and the beginning of 2018 are floating), starting with the cast, backed by the characters they play: "Doug Walker" (dressed as Nostalgia Critic looking at the camera, with shots of madly laughing Devil Boner and puzzled Chester A. Bum behind him), "Malcolm Ray" (greets the audience, arms crossed, confused as he is turned back, with shots of Bill and Satan behind him), "Tamara Chambers" (looks around sadly and drinks some booze; shots of Aunt Despair and dancing Hyper Fangirl behind her), "with Rob Walker (as Santa Christ) & Jim Jarosz (as Jared Leto playing Chernabog)". Another credit is displayed: "Written by Doug Walker & Rob Walker" (with shots of Doug and Rob watching a 1999 Mummy movie, via a First Viewing video). The final credit is shown: "Intro by Fard Muhammad". Finally, there is another explosion as NC walks past holding his gun, blowing the smoke out of it and smirking to the camera, while the letters forming the title of the show float into place. Then we are shown NC, not in his usual room nor in his usual attire. Rather, he is dressed in a fancy suit with a more fancy tie. He looks slightly flustered as he looks into the camera)''

NC: (low voice, quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Offscreen voice: Shh!

NC: (whispering) Sorry, I'm kind of in the middle of a wedding.

(Who is getting married? Well, it seems like it's Devil Boner! And Santa Christ is the parson. Benny the Assassin stands behind them)

SC: Marriage is what brings us here today at Alabama Comic-Con...

(The wedding is taking place in a stage area full of convention-goers, many of them dressed in cosplay costumes; they all cheer, raising their arms in the air)

SC: ...and gun shows... (gunshots are heard) We are here to join these two beloved, Devil Boner and Hyper Fan... Where is she, anyway?

DB: Oh, she went to wait for the video to start so she could walk down the aisle. (calls out) Okay, pull puncher!

(Suddenly, to a bright, heavenly light (with a heavenly choir singing in the background), Hyper Fangirl comes down the aisle, holding two black roses and wearing a princess tiara and an orange wedding dress which has the giant "PLAY" button on her chest, made from beads. DB smiles and nods)

Benny: She looks beautiful...

DB: Yeah, instead of walking down the aisle with her father, she chose to walk with that glowy effect.

(As HFG continues on, NC can't help smiling and blinking his eyes; HFG walks up to DB, dropping her roses on the floor)

SC: Here to witness this union is Benny, Devil Boner's best man...

DB: Yeah, (looks toward Benny) but not best shot, though! (laughs, then glares at Benny briefly, who glares back)

SC: (gesturing towards NC) ...and Nostalgia Critic, Hyper Fangirl's... um...

NC: I think the term we're going with is "butler of honor".

SC: Okay, cool, whatevs. The rings, please!

(Benny holds up two rings, and DB takes them. The audience cries loudly and somewhat exaggeratedly. DB puts a skeletal ring on HFG's finger, and she puts a green ring, which looks like the Green Lantern's ring, on his finger)

Female audience member: (cosplaying as Kiki) So beautiful!

SC: Our dearly committed have decided to write their own vows.

DB: I want you!

HFG: I want you!

SC: Then by the power invested in me– by me, I now pronounce you psycho husband and stalker wife!

HFG: Yay!

SC: You may now ki– (DB and HFG immediately kiss without waiting for SC to finish, who snaps his book shut in frustration) Well, that works, too.

(The newlyweds raise their guns in the air and fire off several rounds, while the audience jumps up and cheers wildly)

DB: (looking to audience) Hey! Seeing how this is a convention, we're already clearly liquored up. Let's just have the reception here!

SC: Peppermint schnapps for all!

(Music starts playing, and everyone dances to it – all except NC, who looks somewhat puzzled. Later, several other characters on the show come in to pay their respects to the newlyweds. Chester A. Bum and his girlfriend Doe come up)

Doe: A blessing on your head!

Chester: Mazel tov, mazel tov!

Doe: So, how does it feel to officially be... "Hyper Boner"!

(NC looks surprised at that statement)

HFG: As excited as the name sounds! (DB nods)

Chester: Oh, that's wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're gonna see if the flowers are smokeable.

Doe: I already did!

(NC looks dumbfounded as Chester and Doe walk off, squealing with joy, and DB and HFG wave goodbye)

Chester: Oh, huzzah! This is the greatest day in my life!

(Satan walks up)

Satan: (gives a low sigh) I'll admit, I didn't think Hyper Boner was a good idea. But after seeing all of the joy displayed, it's clear that Hyper Boner's going to last a long time.

DB: Ain't it the truth.

Satan: (to Benny) Nice suit.

Benny: Back at ya.

(Satan walks off, and Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair walk up)

Aunt Despair: Aw, doesn't Hyper Boner look up?

HFG: Incredibly up!

Uncle Lies: If ever anybody sees you, they'll say, "You can't keep Hyper Boner down."

DB: For years to come!

Uncle Lies: Yeah, it's about what we predicted.

(Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair walk off, as HFG and DB exchanged shocked looks)

NC: (to camera) You know, sometimes a name can spark a lot of possibilities.

(Cut to a montage of posters for movies illustrating NC's point: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Freddy Got Fingered)

NC (vo): There's been so many films and shows that suggest something is going to be amazing just based on the title alone. Some of them work, some of them don't.

NC: And then there's movies that thought of the name first and clearly wrote around it. You know where I'm going with this...

(Cut to footage of where exactly it is that the NC is going: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked)

NC (vo): Chipwrecked is the third in the questioning-humanity film series based on Alvin and the Chipmunks, and if you can believe it, it's not the last. By this point, it's made clear that a bad pun is literally enough to throw millions of dollars into a film shoot exploiting kids' inability to say no to shit. It's just as phoned in and tired as you would think, but why generalize when we can go into more detail?

(Cut to NC, now in his normal getup and sitting down in his usual chair)

NC: Well, I can think of a lot of reasons, but if I'm allowed to leave a wedding earlier so I don't have to listen to any more Hyper Boner jokes, I guess I can suffer for you. This is (loses enthusiasm quickly) Chipwrecked.

(The opening titles, such as they are, are displayed)

NC (vo): The film knows parents want to go home as quickly as possible, so it jumps right into it with barely an opening at all! Which is fitting, because this is barely a movie at all.

(Dave Seville, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes go to a vacation on a cruise ship)

Brittany: (singing) Can't seem to get my mind off of you...

NC (vo): No, Jason Lee, you can't pack up and leave the franchise that easily.

(Alvin comes up to Dave)

Alvin: (to Dave) Where have you been?

Dave: Where have I been? Trying to board the ship.

NC: (as Dave) It's not easy looking older and sadder with every passing film.

(The gang is shown having fun on board of a cruise ship, starting with Alvin stealing sunscreen and spilling it on the deck)

NC (vo): So they're going on a family vacation, and... Well, that's all the setup we get. We don't even know where they're sailing to.

NC: But I do know the next fourth song in their bullshit soundtrack!

(As Simon and Jeanette slip and fall by walking on the sunscreen, Alvin slides on the slippy deck perfectly as the Chipmunks' version of P!nk's "Trouble" plays in the background)

The Chippetes: (singing) I'm trouble, yeah, trouble now...

(Later, Alvin is shown speaking in a microphone on the bridge)

Alvin: This is your captain speaking.

NC (vo): I'm glad to know there's great security on the ship microphone.

NC: (as Alvin, sped up voice; "speaking in a mic") Attention, attention. The Moon landing was fake and Earth is flat. (crosses arms, smiling) Yeah. Bet you didn't know you were rooting for that kind of character, did ya?

Alvin: All kids are now allowed to play on the adults-only Serenity Deck.

(A whole bunch of little kids run out on the deck, disturbing the adults)

NC (vo; as Alvin): But only the douchebag ones who exist in movies to make punchlines work.

(All the kids are gather around the table and dance along with the Chipettes)

The Chippetes: (singing) Yeah, trouble now...

NC: (chuckles) Wow! Gotta love how invested...

(The shot zooms on the girl in a blue dress who doesn't try to look happy at all)

NC (vo): ...some of those families look. Was this Take 8 of their pretending they're excited about a table with nothing on it?

NC: No wonder they had...

(In the next shot, that girl is replaced with another one, who now jumps excitedly)

NC (vo): ...to switch out these kids mid-edit.

(Dave appears and screams into the microphone...)

Dave: ALVIIIIIIN!!

NC: (as Dave) There, I did the thing. Now let me contemplate my life's mistakes.