The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1976

(Todd just sits there)

Video for New Boyz - "Backseat" Dev: ...backseat - I wanna get beside ya In the backseat - so I can be your backseat driver In the backseat - I-I-I-I wanna get beside ya In the backseat - so I can be your backseat...

Todd: Nope. Not today. [Walks off and comes back with the lists] Nope. Not doin' it. Okay, Billboard's Top 100 Year-End Lists. [Starts flipping through] Just gonna pick one at random here...uh...[pulls out the list and plays ... ] (Text reads: THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1976 A year-end review) 1976, ya'll!

 Soul Train episode with Candi Staton - "Young Hearts Run Free" playing.

Todd (VO): 1976—a grand year! The year of America's bicentennial and, oh how this country celebrated. With picnics and cookouts, with a renewed sense of patriotism, and most of all, with a buttload of awesome music! [Dances in his seat to KC & the Sunshine Band - "That's the Way (I Like It)" Montage includes Peter Frampton, Elton John and Kiki Dee, Hall & Oates, Aerosmith, KISS; there are some missing, so please fill in.] Yeah, that's the way I like it. I've gone through all these lists, and '76 would probably rank up there with 1965 and 1983 as one of the best years ever for pop music. There is so much great funk, soul, classic rock, R&B, singer-songwriter ballads, hard rock, early disco, and even crossover country that it is absolutely ridiculous. I could make a Top 30 out of this list and still have to make some really painful cuts. And it's not just that there's a lot of good stuff; it's that all the good stuff is amazingly good. This is the year that brought us "Dream On", "Give Up the Funk", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "The Boys Are Back in Town", "Love Rollercoaster", "Evil Woman", "Rock and Roll All Nite". Dear God, this year rocks!

Todd: Of course, when the good stuff is that good, it just makes the bad stuff look that much worse, and it's helpful to compare the worst of '76 to the other Top 10s I've done in the past.

Todd (VO): [Clips of Ke$ha - "BlahBlahBlah"] Where the worst songs of 2010 were aggressively obnoxious [Glenn Medeiros - "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You"] and the worst songs of 1987 were bland and insipid, [Clip from The Donny and Marie Show] the worst songs of 1976 are kitschy and lame. And if you've got more of a stomach for 70s cheese than I do, you're not gonna like my picks for this list very much. But you know what?

Todd: When a year can give you Elton John and P-Funk, there's no making excuses for turds like the ones I'm about to reveal to you. So wake up everybody, we're gonna take it to the limit one more time! We're counting down...

Video clip of Wings - "Silly Love Songs", which serves as the interlude through the countdown Paul McCartney: You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love longs

Todd (VO): ...the Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1976!

Paul McCartney: Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs

Todd (VO): #10

Video of Beach Boys - "Wouldn't It Be Nice"

Todd (VO): The Beach Boys were one of the greatest rock bands of the 60s. The 70s...not so much.

Performance of "Rock and Roll Music" Beach Boys: That's why I go for that rock and roll music

Todd (VO): Yeah, the post-Brian years were definitely not good to these guys. Now their own contribution to this year was a lousy, lackluster cover of Chuck Berry's "Rock and Roll Music", and you can consider that the unofficial #11 of this list. But the Beach Boys were able to cause bad music to happen indirectly as well, and by sheer coincidence, the bottom two songs on this list are Beach Boys-related.

Todd: Now maybe it's a little unfair to hold things like this against the guys who gave us "Good Vibrations" and "God Only Knows", but quite frankly, someone has to take the blame for this. So, that out of the way, let me tell you about a guy named Henry Gross.

#10. Henry Gross - "Shannon" plays

Todd (VO): Henry Gross was a founding member of [clip of performance by...] Sha Na Na, the late 60s and 70s group who dressed like greasers and did covers of 50s songs that epically missed the point. But Henry left early on to pursue a career as a singer-songwriter. [Cover of the album Love Is the Stuff]He never had all that much success, but he did become friends with [picture of...] Beach Boys lead singer Carl Wilson, and when Carl's Irish Setter Shannon passed away, Henry Gross wrote the song "Shannon" in tribute—a song which became his only hit.

Todd: Now, me? I think this song is irritating as hell. If I squint my ears at it, I can kind of hear what other people heard in it. Maybe people found that horrible falsetto charming in a Beach-Boys-ish kind of way, but let's be serious. This song was written because Carl's dog died, and there is no part of me that finds this an acceptable subject for a song.

''Pictures of cute little puppies. R.I.P. Sgt. Muffykins'' Henry Gross: She always loved to swim away

Todd (VO): ''[sarcastic] Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, the doggy's dead. I'm a 12-year-old girl apparently. No, I cannot believe this sappy-ass shit was the best thing he could think of to write a song about, especially considering that Carl's brother [picture of...]'' Brian Wilson was going through a well-publicized depression and drug-induced mental breakdown. God, you think they ever spoke?

Todd (as Brian): Hey, Henry, is Carl around? I really need to talk to him. I think Dr. Landy might be taking advantage of me. Todd (as Henry): Oh, God! I can't talk right now, Brian! I don't know if you heard, but Carl's dog died! I'm just...I'm just so upset, I have to go write a song about it right now! I'm sorry, I have to go! Todd (as Brian): Just can...can you please get Carl? Todd (as Henry): I gotta go, bye!

Todd: You know, for what it's worth, I asked Casey Kasem to add more details about this song, but he didn't want to.

Casey Kasem: ...last goddamn time. I want somebody to use his fucking brain... I gotta talk about a fucking dog dying!!!

Henry Gross playing "Shannon"

Todd (VO): Henry Gross—his one hit was about a dead dog. Apparently, there are more weepy fortysomething housewives around the world than I realized.

Henry Gross: She always loved to swim away

Interlude

Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: Okay, now you wanna know the worst thing the Beach Boys did to the 70s? Yeah, I'll tell ya. They hired a guy named Daryl as their touring keyboardist. Daryl worked with them for a while and later brought in his future wife Toni when they needed a second keyboardist. Now with those connections, they were able to launch their own successful career as recording artists and together, they were among the most successful, and worst, acts of the decade—they were the Captain & Tennille.

''Video for #9. The Captain & Tennille - "Shop Around"'' Toni Tennille: There's some things that I want you to know

Todd (VO): The Captain & Tennille were apparently sold to record label as a sexier, more adult version of the Carpenters, which is a little like selling [pictures of...] Gary Coleman as a taller version of Webster—technically true, but entirely misleading.

Captain & Tennille: My mama told me... Tennille: You better shop around

Todd (VO): The Captain & Tennille had a couple hits this year; I picked their butchering of Smokey Robinson's "Shop Around" as a representative of them as a whole. As a performer, Toni Tennille always came off the same way—like your best friend's mom got on the karaoke machine after having too many daiquiris. You're just left embarrassed for everyone involved.

Tennille: Woo!

Todd: If this were any other music group, I'd call this their worst song; with the Captain & Tennille, I'm not even sure this'd make their bottom 5. I mean, they had a song called "Muskrat Love", and it was literally about muskrats in love. Now if there's one thing that makes this song in particular unbearable...

Todd (VO): ...it's that the original song was about playing the field to make sure you have someone to compare your future mate to before you settle down, and that worked just fine for Ol' Smokey, but be damned if I'm gonna take romantic advice from a woman who wound up with a guy who spent his entire adult life dressed like a cast member of The Love Boat. Now if they were going to cover any Smokey Robinson song, it should've been "Tears of a Clown" 'cause that's what he looked like.

Toni: You better shop around, aah-ha-ha You better...

Todd: Dorks.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #8.

''Video for #8. Chicago - "If You Leave Me Now"'' Chicago: If you leave me now You'll take away the biggest part of me

Todd: Have I mentioned that I hate Chicago? Have I mentioned that I hate, hate, hate, hate Chicago? Because I hate Chicago!

Todd (VO): Now there's plenty more pillowy-soft soft rock in '76, but I hate this one in particular.

Todd: Why? As always, it comes back down to Peter Cetera.

Peter Cetera: Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Todd (VO): Simply put, I hate this man's voice. It resonates at just the right frequency to piss me off. It is one of the most wretched things I've ever heard, but I can't really explain why. I don't have this reaction to any other soft-rocker in the universe. [Pictures of...] Phil Collins? Fine. Bryan Adams? Fine. Richard Marx? Fine. Mi...heh...but you know what? I probably would stand up for Michael Bolton before I stuck up for Peter Cetera. My mind just squeals in agony every time I have to hear his horrible dog whistle of a voice encased inside this Xanax of a song.

Todd: Now even ignoring Pete Cetera's voice, this song infuriates me. Why would you make a breakup song that sounds like a goddamn lullaby?

Peter Cetera: Ooh-hoo-hoo, No baby please don't go

Todd: No baby please don't go. ''[Starts lulling off to sleep, finally putting a pillow on the keyboard and plopping his head on it]

Peter Cetera: I just got to have your lovin'

Todd: [yawning] Chicago, a really bad band.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #7.

Todd: As it turns out, Chicago were not the only band to suddenly sell out in '76.

Video for Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show - "Cover of the Rolling Stone" Dr. Hook: Well, we big rock singers, we got golden fingers

Todd (VO): Yeah...these guys. Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show were a weird kind of band. They started out making a lot of silly semi-comedy songs mostly written by Shel Silverstein. [Cover of the book Where the Sidewalk Ends] Yeah, that Shel Silverstein. Then right about this time, they reinvented themselves and became a smooth AM rock group. Now, I'm not really a fan of either version, but they do have my respect. They were loose and funny and they didn't take themselves all that seriously.

Todd: But then again, maybe if they had taken themselves more seriously, they would've tried a little harder than this.

''Video for #7. Dr Hook - "Only Sixteen"'' Dr. Hook: She was only sixteen, only sixteen But I loved her so

Todd (VO): "Only Sixteen", I've discovered to my great surprise, is a cover of an old Sam Cooke song. Now I checked out the original, and it's actually pretty good. [Picture of Cooke] But that's mostly because Sam Cooke was a god and he could do whatever he wanted. Despite that, it's really not one of Sam's better compositions. It starts out as your standard jailbait freakout. You know...

Todd: "Oh, she's too young, she's too young, oh no..." And then you get to the punchline.

Dr. Hook: why did I give my heart so fast It never will happen again But I was a mere child of sixteen I've aged a year since then

Todd: Get it? She's only sixteen, and that's way too young because he's seventeen A-hyuk, a-hyuk, a-hyuk.

Dr. Hook: But she was too young to fall in love

Todd (VO): Of course, you'd never guess there was even supposed to be a punchline listening to this twinking bore-fest. Whose idea was it to play this straight? God, you'd think they never heard a joke at all listening to this, and that's just not true. All of their previous songs were all about having a sense of humor.

Video of Dr. Hook - "You Make My Pants Wanna Get Up and Dance" Dr. Hook: You make my pants wanna get up and dance You make my face wanna grin

Todd (VO): Okay, it was a stupid sense of humor, but it was there. How'd they wind up performing this with all the solemnity of Grandma's funeral?

Dr. Hook: And I was too young to know [Todd just shrugs] [falsetto] I....

Interlude

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: You know what word really didn't survive the end of the 70s? Boogie.

The Sylvers on Soul Train singing "Boogie Fever" Sylvers: Boogie fever You got to boogie down

Todd (VO): Yeah, the 70s were all about boogieing. I'm your boogie man, so put on your boogie shoes, and boogie-oogie-oogie in a boogie wonderland.

Todd: Yes, it was a whole decade of boogieing. And if there was ever a song that didn't earn the right to use the word, it was this one.

''Video for #6. Silver Convention - "Get Up and Boogie"'' Silver Convention: Get up and boogie

Todd (VO): And that's not good, because "boogie" is just about the only word in the song. The Silver Convention were a German band who had their only two hits that year—this song and [Video for...] "Fly, Robin, Fly". Together, the two singles used a combined [list of all words from both songs] twelve words, six per song. Despite this, "Fly, Robin, Fly" does come across as an actual song and not an unfinished demo, which is not something I can say about "Get Up and Boogie."

Todd: Now forgive the redundancy, but a good dance song should make you want to dance, and boy, oh boy, oh boy, does this song make me wanna find a comfortable spot against the wall.

Silver Convention: Get up and boogie

Todd (VO): No.

Silver Convention: Get up and boogie

Todd: No! Is that all you got? I've never felt less like boogieing. You can't kinda suggest people dance. You have to make them dance. This is how you do it.

Video for C & C Music Factory - ... C & C Music Factory: Everybody dance now!

Todd (VO): See? That's not a request, that's a command. Meanwhile, these losers don't even look like they're trying.

Silver Convention: Boogie. Boogie.

Todd (VO): For what it's worth, it's a little hard to find videos for songs this old, but I am so glad I found this particular one. I don't know what show this is, but it's like the anti-TRL. These people are so bored. They're more bored than I am somehow.

Todd: "Get up and boogie"? How about sit down and shut up? Attention, everybody—the Silver Convention wants you to know that they suck.

Silver Convention: That's right.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #5.