3 (song)

Todd: Okay, episode #5 is "3", Britney Spears' song "3". I'll warn you right now—the audio in this one is terrible. Uh...that's my fault. I was still trying to figure out everything. I had a mono...microphone that I had stuck into a stereo port, and the...the volume was just terrible. And this is also the point where...where Todd In The Shadows established himself as, you know, absolutely terrified of sex. Like, that wasn't how I intended it, but, you know, that's the way it comes across. I don....I wish Todd In The Shadows was not so terrified of sex, you know; I'm still... I was not so careful wording things back when I first started. You now have to...you have to be so very, very careful when you're dealing with controversial subjects or you will get hammered for it. And even I...I've got a very, very nice, very forgiving fanbase, and they let me hear things. Well...it's...it's not one of my prouder reviews, it has some of my better moments in it though. So...Britney Spears - "3".

(Fades out)

(Fade into Todd playing "3" on his piano.)

BRITNEY SPEARS - 3 A pop song review

Todd: I...I picked a Britney Spears song to review this week, but...who cares?

Video for Britney Spears - "Circus" Britney: All eyes on me in the center...

Todd (VO): Britney Spears's music is not the reason she's famous, it's her excuse for being famous. Maybe it didn't use to be true, but it's true now. No one cares about her actual music. When you talk about her, her music is just about the last thing anyone even mentions. She still has hits, I know she still has hits, but they only exist so she doesn't look like a pathetic has-been.

Todd: For the most part, the music is just extraneous, which is weird because so much work goes into them. Half the songs on the radio are so minimalist that they don't even exist.

Clip of...

Todd: And meanwhile, Britney Spears songs are these...

Video for "Gimme More"

Todd (VO): ...overproduced spectacular monstrosities. I imagine that Britney Spears Industries has this [clip of scientists] team of scientists working round the clock to keep her career alive.

Todd: Okay, so maybe her music matters a little. I mean, she's got a new song out and it debuted at #1, which is, you know, an impressive feat. Although the last person to do it was... [single cover of "Do I Make You Proud"/"Taking It to the Streets" by...] Taylor Hicks. So...don't put too much stock into that. Anyway, this one's called "3", which...kind of a weird title for a Britney Spears song. 3 what? I don't know. 3...years past her expiration date? [Plays rimshot on piano] Play the song.

Video for "3" Britney: 1, 2, 3 Not only you and me. Got 180 degrees and I'm caught in between. Three is a charm Two is not the same.

Todd (VO): [getting it] Oh...three-way. A threesome. Menage a trois, I get you. We have just dropped all pretense, have we? Remember innocent Britney?

Clip of "Sometimes" Britney: I don't wanna be so shy

Todd (VO): Yeah...yeah, that person didn't ever really exist, and we're not gonna pretend she did.

Britney: 1, 2, 3 Not only you and me. Got 180 degrees and I'm caught in between.

Todd: Am I dreaming this? Is this really what Britney Spears's new song is about? Did Chef from South Park write this?

Clip from South Park  Chef: You and me, and you and you Simultaneous loving, baby

Todd: Where do we even go from here? I mean we've already done [clip of Britney and Madonna kissing at MTV VMAs] the lesbianism, [shot of "Womanizer"] the nudity, now the group sex. What's next, pedophilia?

Todd (VO): You know, what exactly are the words to this song? I can barely make out her filthy, gross lyrics because she's doing that annoying whisper-growl thing she does that I hate so much. What is this?

Britney: Britney: 1, 2, 3 Not only you and me. ("Why don't me you and me"...?)

Todd: Me...you, and...me. How many Britneys are there in this equation?

Britney: Britney: 1, 2, 3 Not only you and me.

Todd (VO): Okay, okay, that's not the line. The line goes, "not only you and me," and quite frankly, I liked it better my way. Fits better, even with the pronoun troubles.

Britney: 1, 2, 3 Peter, Paul and Mary (Peedapayuwrmnr???eee)

Todd (VO): I literally cannot make out what she's saying.

Todd: "1, 2, 3, pita parma...Peter [image of] Potamus" I don't know, I don't know.

Britney: 1, 2, 3 Peter, Paul and Mary

Todd (VO): Well, there's your problem right there. It's a terrible rhyme.

Todd: It's pronounced Mary, not "meowry"...or whatever you said. Ah...that just sounds stupid. Makes her sound like English isn't even her first lang...[dawns on him]' ...uage. PETER, PAUL AND MARY?!?!?!

Clip of Peter, Paul and Mary performing... Peter, Paul and Mary: Puff the magic dragon...

Todd (VO): NO! NO! Not Peter, Paul and Mary! My parents used to play Peter, Paul and Mary for me when I was a kid! Don't get your love stains on my childhood!

Todd: Oh, God! All their songs sound so dirty to me now!

The trio performing "Lemon Tree",... Peter, Paul and Mary: Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

..."If I Had a Hammer",... Peter, Paul and Mary: If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning

''... and "Blowing in the Wind" Peter, Paul and Mary: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind The answer is blowing, blowing, blowing

Todd: Ahh!!! Mary, from Peter, Paul and Mary, just died, and you immediately desecrated the grave! Thanks for that! Oh, and another thing. I can't help but notice that the disgusting threesome between Peter, Paul and Mary that you propose—that has two dudes in it. Who is that song even for? You're not cashing in on the bisexual trend. [Brief clip of video] So is two guys at once that hot a fantasy for that many girls? I know most guys aren't dreaming about sharing Britney Spears...

Todd (VO): ...with another dude, so who is this for?

Britney: 1, 2, 3 Not only you and me. Got 180 degrees and I'm caught in between

Todd (VO): Also, there's this part where they added a sound effect so they, you know, made it sound like they bleeped out a word.

Britney: Everybody loves *moan* (Everybody loves *****)

Todd (VO): There's no word that actually goes there. Don't try and kid me. It's far too late to start censoring this. And it doesn't even work because your ear doesn't register that there's supposed to be a word there. Just kinda bleeds into the next line. All I hear is...

Britney: Everybody loves *moan* (Everybody loves counting)

Clip from Sesame Street  The Count: Three apples, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Todd: Another funny thing? Every article I ever read about this song called it "racy". Racy. [Music Mix page with article titled: "Britney Spears' racy '3' rockets to the top of Billboard's Hot 100"] It just makes it sound cute. Quaint, really. James Bond movies are racy; this is a song about double penetration.

Britney: 1, 2, 3 Peter, Paul and Mary Getting down with 3P

Todd: "Down with 3P"? What's the P stand for? I mean, I have a guess what 3P stands for, but...if I'm right, it raises a lot of questions about Britney's anatomy. You know what I mean? Yeah? [Looks at camera] Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining this innocent little song with my dirty mind?

Todd (VO): And the really bizarre thing is that there's this sweet-sounding, almost angelic part near the end, where Britney actually says it's innocent.

Britney: What we do is innocent

Todd's jaw is dropped

Britney: What we do is innocent

Todd (VO): Lying isn't always clever, Britney.

Britney: If you don't like the company Let's just do it you and me

Todd: See? It's a message song, really. "No" means "no", ladies.

Britney: You and me You and me

Todd (VO): And it's a love song too! It's just heartwarming.

Britney: Or four on the floor

Todd: I'm not trying to be a prude here, but what am I supposed to do with this? I can think of only one thing to do with this, and it's because I found a secret message in the song. Check it out.

Britney: Are you in?

Todd: Yeah, I thought she was saying, "are you in?" But she's not. Listen.

Britney: Are you in? (R  U   N)

Todd: R-U-N. Run. Run from this terrible song. Run before she takes your moral purity. That's what I'm gonna do. Need a freakin' shower. [Gets up and leaves]

"3" ends.

Closing tag song: Grover Washington, Jr. - "Just the Two of Us"

''THE END "3" is owned by RCA/Jive Records This video is owned by me''