The Karate Kid

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Karate Kid."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Wax on, wax spoilers!

There's this from America.

And he moves to China!

Home of the Chineans!

And he falls in love with this Chinean girl.

But unfortunately she is betrothed...ish.

So, the Chinean boy she's betrothed to gets really mad!

And he's like *with his mouth moving out of sync* "Wah! You think you can steal my girlfriend? I'm going to punch you now!"

(He makes kung fu noises and gets punched out.)

So, the America boy is like "I need to learn karate so I can kick some ass! But the only person I know around here is Jackie Chan..."

Wait a minute...

Jackie Chan is Jackie Chan!

So, the boy is like "Can you teach me karate?"

"No."

"How 'bout kung fu?"

"Okay."

(strikes pose) "Hwaah!"

So, Jackie Chan starts teaching him kung fu, so it really should be called "The Kung Fu Kid"...

But unfortunately there's no "Wax on, wax off!"

Instead, we got "Coat on, coat off!"

What a rip-off!

I taught everybody I knows about the "Wax on, wax off" method!

In fact, I know a guy who tells me he "wax off" all the time!

(Goes to say something else, then pauses, looking a little disturbed)

But the great thing is I developed a new method from it!

The "Drink on, drink off" way of karate!

(Mimics taking a drink) Drink on, drink off. Drink on, drink off.

I'm telling you it really works!

I just...choose not to fight.

So, Jackie Chan tells him that the reason he's doing the "Coat on, coat off" way is to show him that kung fu is everywhere!

Which I...guess makes a little bit more sense than the original.

In this one it's like "Why did you use that way to show me to fight?"

"To show you that kung fu is everywhere."

In the original it's like "Why did you use that way to show me to fight?"

(Points and laughs)

So, because the boy knows how to take his jacket on and off, he now knows kung fu!

I learned kung fu that way once!

Or was that pole dancing?

Either way, I ended up naked!

So, Jackie Chan submits the boy into a tournament so he can fight the evil Chinamanese boy.

And the American boy is like "I'm like a Jedi and you're like Yoda!"

And Jackie Chan is like "Like Yoda, I am not. Annoying, you are. But lots of money you will make."

(strikes pose) "Hwaah!"

So, Jackie Chan takes him to the Great Wall of China to learn more kung fu-rate.

And the boy sees this woman dancing with a cobra.

And Jackie Chan is like "Is the cobra controlling her, or is she controlling the cobra?"

"Well, which is it?"

"I don't know."

(strikes pose) "Hwaah!"

So, Jackie Chan takes him to the tournament, and he practices his coat fu!

(Shouts "Hwaah!" while taking coat on and off)

And the other fighters are like "Dude, that coat thing is weird. I quit."

HOORAY!

But then the big bad teacher comes over to the little bad children!

And he's like "Break the little boy's leg. It shall bring us much honor!"

So, the first mean little boy hurts his leg, and he gets disqualified.

And then the second boy breaks his leg, and he...almost wins the match.

What sense does that make?!

That never added up in the original either.

If you break it, that's okay.

If you injure it, you need a time out, pal!

(rolls eyes) Weird.

So, he goes Cary Strong on their ass and he finishes the whole thing with one leg!

How?

By using the cobra!

(singing and waving hand) I'm controlling you. Now watch my Matrix move! *Spins around and slow-mo punches*

American kid wins with weird, impossible backflippy thing!

HOORAY!

And the big bad teacher is like "What did I teach you kids?! No pain, no mercy!"

And the kids are like *Glares and gives middle finger*

The end!

So, "The Karate Kid" is a really great movie, maybe even better than the original!

But I really could have used a Hilary Swank performance.

Maybe that can be the sequel! The kid grows up, changes the color of his skin, and becomes a woman!

Just like Michael Jackson!

Too soon?

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll use it to fund the sequel! I only have a few quarters, so the teacher will probably be Steven Seagal.