Hannah Montana: The Movie

(Nobody is at the piano. Todd peaks his head through and takes his seat)

Todd: Hi, I'm Todd, and I review terrible hit songs, and one of the songs I got a lot of requests for over the past couple months was "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley Cyrus.

Video for "Can't Be Tamed" Miley: I can't be tamed I can't be tamed I can't be blamed

Todd (VO): Yes, you can be blamed, Miley. I was, in fact, thinking about doing a review of this song, but before I even got the chance to really listen to it more than a couple of times, that single sank like the Titanic, proving that the general public deserves more credit than you realize.

Todd: But I'm not one to pass up the chance to beat up on an artist I hate, and since I'm legitimately not sure if she'll ever have a career again, that means I have to start looking towards the past. Now, that means I could do one of her songs or I could do some of her show, even. But why settle for small potatoes when I can go for the gold? [Song fades in] Oh, yeah.

Opening of Hannah Montana: The Movie, with various clips 

Todd (VO): Yes, indeed. After three seasons, the Hannah Montana franchise had gotten so popular that in 2009, they released a whole feature-length movie based on the show. And yes, you're going to sit here and watch it with me. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Todd jumps onto a couch

Todd: Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to review this baby for a while now. Although to be honest, and this is really embarrassing, I'm probably not the best person to be reviewing because, believe it or not, I never really watched much of the show.

Opening of the TV show

Todd (VO): Actually, I did watch about ten minutes of it in a hotel room once, and based on that brief and limited interaction with the program, my understanding of the show's premise is this. [Picture of Billy Ray Cyrus] A—Billy Ray Cyrus can't act; [Mitchel Musso] B—whatever this is needs to die; and C—Miley Cyrus plays Miley Stewart, an ordinary teenage girl who lives a secret double life as world famous pop star Hannah Montana!

Todd: Apparently, that blonde wig she wears is...pretty much the only component of her Hannah Montana disguise. Now, I don't know why no one figured out that it's obviously her, but you know what? I dealt with Clark Kent and his stupid glasses, so I'll deal with this. [Pulls out remote] Let's get this show rolling.

Starts the movie...

Todd (VO): We start outside a roaring Hannah Montana concert, where thousands of obnoxious screaming teenage girls are clamoring to get in, including, for some reason, our main character and her best friend Lilly.

Miley: I'm Miley Stewart, we've got to get in there Lilly: Yeah, our names are on the list. Ticket seller: Well, why didn't you say so? In your dreams, sweet cheeks. Lilly: You are the only pop star I know who can't even get into her own concert.

Todd: [laughing] Oh, what hilarious shenanigans. She can't even get into her own concert. How does something like that even happen? Actually, no, that's a legitimate question. How did that happen?

Todd (VO): You have an answer for me, movie? Anything? Nothing? Okay. [Miley and Lilly scream as they drive a cart through a poster, with Hannah's face over Miley's. Ha ha] Well, in any case, she makes it in and she gets to perform her theme song, "Best of Both Worlds".

Hannah: When you're famous, it can be kind of fun It's really you, but no one ever discovers

Todd (VO): Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but this song is clearly about her double life as Miley and Hannah. How does she keep her identity a secret if she's singing about it to everyone? [The performance goes to a video of her doing the song on a beach] Waitwaitwaitwait, what...where did that cut just take us?

She gets conked on the head by a coconut, so now she's doing a hula and singing the song that way

Hannah: Best of both worlds The best of both worlds

Todd: [rubbing his head] This is going to hurt a lot, isn't it?

Todd (VO): Anyway, I guess the whole setup of the movie is that despite the whole double life thing, being a pop megastar is going straight to Miley's head. Like, you know, gee, who could've predicted? And her publicist, Vanessa Williams, who if you recall, had a career of her own at one point, takes her out on a shopping spree instead of doing important things like seeing her brother off as he heads to college, or going to Lilly's birthday party. And she also gets in a shoe fight with Tyra Banks, who, I am informed, is also a famous person of some kind. [The fight commences] Okay, this is stupid.

Todd: I find it really hard to believe that a seasoned, mature celebrity would lower herself to fighting publicly with a dumb, flash-in-the-pan starlet like Tyra Banks. BA-ZING!

The fight ends, then...

Todd (VO): Well, all the chaos attracts paparazzi, which means Hannah can't change back into Miley, and ends up upstaging Lilly at her own birthday party.

Guy: [as he's holding Lilly on a half-pipe] Hannah Montana? [He lets her go] Hannah: [as she's carried through the crowd] Happy birthday, Lilly! Happy birthday!

Todd (VO): And she gets dragged into performing with the band that's somehow there and knows all the music and loves it. You know, like a rock band would. And oh, no, now Lilly's giant roller-coaster, skateboard, hundreds of people, amusement park birthday party is ruined.

Todd's last birthday: he's sitting alone with a festive hat and blows into a party favor

Robby Ray: A shoe fight! You got into a stinking shoe fight?! You know, this is absolutely, T-totally, without a doubt unacceptable!

Todd: Yes, I'm sure Miley Cyrus misses the days when the most trouble she can get in is by [Google search of miley cyrus scandal] fighting over shoes.

Todd (VO): Well, anyway, her dad Billy Ray decides that she's clearly gotten too big for her britches, and tricks her into getting onto a plane to...

Todd: Okay, seriously, what the hell?

''As the plane flies, Kenny Loggins's "Danger Zone" plays Todd (VO): MiGs on our tail. Scramble!'' Okay, so instead of going to New York, they drag her back to her hometown of Middle of Nowhere, Tennessee.

Hannah: Hello, New York!

''She's shocked to find just a cow. Green Acres theme plays.''

Robby Ray: Miley, all you ever wanted to do was sing, and I let you do that and still have a normal life. That's why we created her in the first place.

Todd: Yeah, she's clearly already beset by paparazzi, and if a child star's life isn't screwed up enough, why not add a thick layer of secrecy and lies? Yeah, that's an interesting definition of "normal life", Billy Ray.

Miley: So you're saying I can never be Hannah again? Robby Ray: Ask me again in two weeks. Miley: Two weeks?! Robby Ray: Think of it as a Hannah detox.

Todd (VO): Well, because Billy Ray has raised such an entitled bitch of a daughter, they rightly leave her ass on the side of the road. Fortunately there's a horse for her to ride home and a love interest to help her out. I can't remember the guy's name, so we're just gonna call him Cow-Pie Clyde. [Watching Travis Brody (a.k.a. Cow-Pie Clyde) lassoing a horse] Farm people, help me out—why would you rope a tame horse? Anyone? Nothing? Okay.

Travis: Miley? We were in the first grade together. Miley: I remember you, okay? Travis: I guess I had a pretty big crush on you back them. Don't worry about it. I'm over it.

Todd: So, in case Hannah Montana wasn't enough of a girly fantasy already, we've now added [pictures of...] ponies and boys. Yeah, throw on some sparkly vampires and we'll have everything.

Todd (VO): Well, they get back to the farmhouse, where Rascal Flatts is hanging out for some reason, and we also meet Billy Ray's new love interest played by...oh, Jan, no! Oh. [Clip of Melora Hardin on The Office] I didn't think you could sink any lower than being dumped by Michael Scott, but...Billy Ray Cyrus, that would do it.

Grandma Ruby: I have missed you more than you could imagine. And thank you. Thank you so much for this. [An Elvis plate, which she puts on the top shelf of a display filled with other plates of famous singers] I have been saving him a place of honor.

Todd: Oh, but wouldn't it go so well next to the Dogs Playing Poker picture in the outhouse?

Robby Ray: I don't believe we've met. I'm Robby Ray...[almost drops a plate, but catches it] Told you you'd be amazed.

Todd (VO): Hey, everyone, see if you can guess what happens next. Does Billy Ray [choices shown] A. discuss the political ramifications of Iran's nuclear program, or B. bumble into the plates like a moron? If you guessed A, please go see a doctor.

Option B occurs with the Three's Company theme playing Robby Ray: [saving one plate] Howdeee!

Todd: Hannah Montana fans totally get that reference.

The Elvis plate topples over, but Robby Ray catches it Robby Ray: Wee, doggies! Elvis is alive and we... [He absent-mindedly breaks it against the chandelier]

Clip from Family Matters  Urkel: Did I do that?

Todd (VO): Well, since we've got some time to fill, we're gonna go ahead and let Rascal Flatts pad out the soundtrack some. [Miley looks at a picture of her and her mother] Whoa! Are we at Hogwarts all of the sudden?!

Todd: You're a wizard, Hannah.

Todd (VO): Oh, but let's get away from the plot for a moment so we can watch Miley's brother Jackson horse around with wild animals. Wait...I thought they said he was in college? Whatever.

Jackson: Who wants to see a real...live...alligator? ''[An alligator drags him down as he tries to get on the dock. Cut to a train going through town.]''

Todd: He's dead.

Todd (VO): Works for me. Well anyway, here's our first look at Miley's hometown. As you can tell, it's so painfully scrubbed clean, it makes Main Street in Disneyland look like inner-city Detroit.

Old man on bench: Morning, Miss Ruby Grandma Ruby: Morning.

Clip from The Andy Griffith Show  Floyd: Morning, Barney. Morning, Andy. Andy: Morning, Floyd.

Todd (VO): And here we meet the quasi-villain of the movie, played by Barry Bostwick.

Obligatory shot of him in The Rocky Horror Picture Show  Crowd: Asshole!

Todd (VO): And what kind of evil thing is he up to?

Grandma Ruby: Old Man Crowley died and left the town the meadows. But we don't exactly have enough for the taxes. Developers circling like vultures. Talking about putting up...shopping malls. Miley: A mall? Really? Grandma Ruby: If they have their way, there won't be any open land left.

Todd: [feigned shock] Oh no! Not a mall! If they build it, we might have something to do around here for fun besides throw pig manure at each other every night.

Todd (VO): My God, with the expanded tax base, the county might be able to afford indoor plumbing for the elementary school. How awful!

Todd: I personally love driving 40 minutes to Knoxville every time I wanna see a movie or buy a shirt!

Grandma Ruby: When we finish, maybe you and I can do a little shopping. Miley: In there? No, thanks. I'm good. Grandma Ruby: Look, missy. You may be Hannah Montana back home, but here we're britches and boots.

Todd (VO): We wear burlap sacks and like it. Around this time, Miley takes her first tentative steps at escaping pop stardom's plastic chains by writing her own song.

Miley: [strumming guitar and singing] It's kind of funny Sorta kind of funny how That voice inside your head says You're just a

Todd (VO): However, here comes Cow-Pie to use all his country boy charm to tell her that her song sucks, despite the fact that he's only heard four lines of it.

Travis: It's not bad, it just wasn't... Miley: Good. Travis: ...about anything. Doesn't tell me anything about who you are or what you feel.

Todd: Remember that scene for later, okay?

Todd (VO): Okay, and in case you're wondering the reason that Cow-Pie Clyde is just hanging around Miley's farm, here's why.

Travis: Me and Ruby struck a deal. I rebuild the coop, I get to sell the eggs. Miley: It's a lot of rebuilding. Travis: Hey, you got to start somewhere, right?

Todd: Yeah, true enough. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if the best employment you can find is doing awful grunt work like that. Well, I'm sure he'd have an easier time with it if there was some kind of economic engine to stimulate the local job market like...oh, I don't know...[picture of...] A MALL!!! And speaking of the mall, now we've got the fundraiser, where they're trying to raise money for their fight to save their beloved community center. Oh, oh, no, wait, excuse me, their [picture of...] empty freaking field from becoming a useful, contributing part of the town.

Taylor Swift: We're gonna slow it down for this next song...

Todd (VO): Oh, hey, it's that other teen pop star, the one who writes her own music and plays an instrument. Yeah, might wanna hustle her offscreen before you get upstaged, Miley.

Travis: Miley, it's open mike night. You should give it a try.

Todd: Can I say something here?

Miley: If you guys don't mind...

Todd: I've seen Grease 2.

Miley: I'm gonna add a little hip-hop to this hoedown.

Todd: I saw that Sgt. Pepper's movie with the Bee Gees.

Miley: Boom boom clap boom de clap de clap

Todd: I've seen two of the High School Musicals.

Miley: I'm gonna tell you about a beat that's gonna make you move your feet

Todd: But this is the worst musical number ever in a movie.

Miley: Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it countrify then hip-hop it Put your hawk in the sky and move side to side Jump to the left, stick it, glide

Todd (VO): Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Todd: [covering his head in pain; intercut with scenes from "Hoedown Throwdown"] Oh, God, it hurts! It hurts so much! Oh, God, it's so awful! It's like the worst parts of five different genres rolled into one! So bad! It's...I'm sad all the time...I can't sleep at night, I have these horrible thoughts in my head and I can't fight them off, and....what's the point? What's the point of anything?! What am I even doing here?! Why don't I just go ahead and...oh, it's over. Thank God. Sorry. That song sends me some weird places.

Grandma Ruby: You got a lot of nerve coming in here. Mr. Bradley: I'm sorry. I thought this was a community event. Grandma Ruby: Community. You wouldn't even know what that word means. Mr. Bradley: Well, I know that your idea of it is a thing of the past. You can have a hundred of these, you ain't gonna raise the money it's gonna take to save the Meadows.

Todd (VO): Master of PR, ladies and gentlemen. Did the guy do any market research? The whole town seems to hate the mall. And in any case, I'm also wondering, are they expecting Hannah Montana fans—[pictures of little fangirls and merchandise] who probably love malls and probably watch this movie in a mall—to sit there and be shouting, "yeah, down with malls!"?

Mr. Bradley: You can have a hundred of these, you ain't gonna raise the money it's gonna take to save the Meadows, not unless The Beatles show up for a benefit concert. Travis: Miley knows Hannah Montana. She could help us out, right? Throw a concert. That would raise a ton of money. Miley: I guess I could give her a call.

Todd (VO): Miley and Hannah in the same town at the same time?

Todd: But wait. How are they gonna pull that one off? A zany scheme, perhaps?!

Todd (VO): Yes, Lilly is passing herself off as Hannah. Not only does the wig magically turn Miley into Hannah without anyone noticing, it turns anyone into Hannah. It's the only thing anyone notices. Put it on anyone, they become Hannah Montana. [Picture of guy wearing wig] Oh, my God, it's Hannah Montana!

Miley: I swear Hannah'll never come between us again. Lilly: Okay. Lorelai: [knocking from outside] Miley? Could I come in and talk to you and Hannah for a minute? Miley and Lilly: [throwing the wig between them, trading off] You be Hannah. No, you be Hannah.... Lilly: [snapping fingers] Stop doing this.

Todd: You know, they may fight a lot, but the makeup sex is fantastic.

Todd (VO): Also, think about it, Lilly. If Miley puts on the wig, who the hell are you supposed to be? Anyway, they keep up the charade, and Billy Ray gets his mack on with Jan while his daughter Miley secretly watches and cheers them on.

Miley: Yes! Go, Daddy! Go, Daddy!

Todd (VO): It was weird.

Lilly: Hey, look! It's Hannah Montana! Travis: Oh, hi. Sorry, I... I didn't see you. So, you and Miley are pretty close, huh? Miley/Hannah: You have no idea.

Todd: You know, I said I can deal with this, but I can't. ARE YOU A MORON?!

Todd (VO): Just 'cause you're country, doesn't mean you're inbred! Use your eyes! Use your ears! It's obviously her! As far as acting goes, Miley isn't exactly Christopher Reeve over here! They act exactly the same, and they look exactly the same, except one's blonde and dressed like a circus tent!

Todd: How can you POSSIBLY be missing this?!

Todd (VO): Anyway, Hannah convinces Cow-Pie Clyde to ask Miley out on a date. Hooray. One complication though.

Robby Ray: She's not going. Hey, you're the one that promised Lorelai that Hannah would be the guest of honor at the mayor's lobster hoo-hah tonight. Miley: Actually, Lilly did. Lilly: Actually, Hannah did. Miley: But I promised Travis.

Todd (VO): Oh, my God. The dinner's at the same time as her date with Cow-Pie? What can she do?

Todd: Reschedule? You know, call the guy up, postpone the date? No? Okay.

Todd (VO): No, obviously the only solution is for her to try and go to both the dinner and the date with Cow-Pie at the same time. And she's gotta replace Uncle Jesse's dead goldfish before Mr. Belding finds out.

Miley/Hannah: I need to go to the bathroom. Lilly: [shutting her into a closet] Go. Miley: [emerging as herself] I'll be right back. Cover for me. Lilly: Okay.

Todd: And she's gonna run back and forth between the dinner and the blah-di-blah-blah...for the love of God. [He pulls out a saxophone and "plays" "Yakety Sax" as the movie is goes at double-speed] And there's a ferret! [Keeps "playing" with the movie]

Robby Ray: Sit. That's enough.

Todd (VO): But, uh-oh, here's where it all falls apart. Turns out changing clothes in a revolving door is a bad idea for more reasons than the obvious because now Cow-Pie's found out.

Miley: Travis, please let me explain. Travis: That you've been making fun of me?

Todd: No, that's me. Over here.

Travis: You know what, Miley...Hannah, whoever you are? We're done.

Todd: The girl I'm dating is a rich and famous pop star! Millions of guys my age would kill to be in my position! I am so angry about this!

Lorelai: I'm sorry. It's just this whole evening was a disaster. I just organized the whole thing, and then that girl comes in and ruins it. I don't care if she is here for a big concert. Robby Ray: She's got a complicated life. Lorelai: What's going on, Robby Ray? Robby Ray: The truth is that...I just don't have any place in my life for a relationship right now.

Todd (VO): That doesn't answer my question. So yes, the alter ego of Hannah Montana has clearly wreaked havoc on Miley's personal life. After a brief sadness montage, we cut to the day of the big concert, and that means the mall isn't going to be built...I guess. They don't really mention it. I guess we're just supposed to assume that the little town has been freed from the horror of economic development. Or at least 'til next year, when the property taxes come due again. But while the town might be saved, Miley clearly can't deal with the stress anymore, so she has herself a complete onstage breakdown.

Miley/Hannah: I can't do this. [She removes the wig to everyone's shock]

Todd: [gasp] She looks exactly the same but with a different hair color!

Miley: I know you all came to hear Hannah, but...if you don't mind, I've written y'all a song. It's kind of personal. [Starts singing "The Climb"] I can almost see it...

Todd (VO): But oh, let's listen to her big coming-of-age song. You know, the one that Clyde told her to write about...

Travis: ...who you are, and what you feel.

Miley: But I gotta keep tryin' Gotta keep my head held high

Todd (VO): Okay, I said this before in a previous video, but "The Climb"—supposedly Miley's big moment of artistic self-actualization—is, in reality, a completely meaningless, cliche-ridden piece of drivel. It's not about her experiences, it's not about what she feels, it's not about what anyone feels, it's not about anything. In fact, the first song she was writing was obviously a lot more personal than this mind-numbingly unspecific and pointless waste of time. I'll say this though, it does legitimately sound like a teenage girl wrote it.

Miley: the moments that I'm gonna remember

Todd: Again, how does the band know how to play this? She's never performed it before!

Todd (VO): But the whole crowd loves it, and yadda-yadda-yadda...

Todd: ...and Miley gets her big emotional moment, everything's happy, whoop-de-doo. Yeah, I was obviously not the target audience for this, but even so, this is a fairly awful and ridiculous movie. Would I recommend it? Absolutely not. However, I do wanna say that they got a real director who actually does film some scenes pretty nicely, and I do appreciate the fact that it's basically an acknowledgement of how completely psychologically screwed up the whole Hannah Montana premise is. You know, but honestly, who gives a crap? I just don't see why I'm supposed to care about what is basically a long commercial for...

Little girl: Please be Hannah.

Todd: I...I'm sorry, what?

Little girl: Please be Hannah. We'll keep your secret. Miley: I'm sorry, I can't. Travis: Sure, you can!

Todd (VO): What's going on? What's going on here? What's happening?!

Vita: Put the wig back on. You'll never have a normal life if you don't! Lilly: Hannah's a part of you! Don't let her go!

Todd (VO): What?! Why not?! Why shouldn't she?!

Crowd chants "Hannah!"

Todd: Oh, dear Lord.

Todd (VO): Is this happening?! She just bared her soul to these people, and they're just flat rejecting it! They're saying, "we don't care about what you want, you stupid teenage girl! Play the hits!"

Todd: Get back in your cage and dance, monkey!

Todd (VO): "We'll keep your secret"! Are you kidding me?! At least 500 people in this crowd Facebooked, Twittered and YouTubed that shit the second she took the wig off! [Clip from...] I thought Spider-Man 2 was bad with this, but this is a million times worse, but THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT! The point is that she tried to present herself as who she truly is, and the whole crowd told her they didn't want it! They wanted superficiality and lies! Oh, Jesus! You did it, movie! You got me to care about Hannah Montana! You got me to care about Hannah Montana by taking a giant, sparkly dump on all her hopes and dreams! Also, some other stuff happens. I don't care because I'm done with this!

Todd: Rest assured, Hannah Montana: The Movie has the single worst ending I have ever seen in a movie! Did they forget the part [back to...] where they called this Hannah Detox?! So much for that—I guess it's Hannah Relapse and Overdose! The ending was apparently hastily rewritten after the show was unexpectedly renewed, but it is still completely inexcusable. But hey, we aren't done yet. Oh, no. We've still got the second half of Hannahpalooza to look forward to, and trust me, it is going [holds up Hannah Montana video game guitar] to rock.

Thunder and lightning

Closing tag song: Miley Cyrus - "Hoedown Throwdown"

''THE END "Hannah Montana: The Movie" is owned by Disney This video is owned by me''