Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie

(We start off in Bennett the Sage's room where he's quite upset. He picks up the phone and makes a call to Doug Walker, whose ringtone is Banana Phone)

Doug: Y'ello?

Sage: Fuck you, you sonovabitch!

Doug: That's gotta be Sage.

Sage: You're goddamn right it's me, asshole! Where the fuck do you get off giving the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog the shit you gave?

Doug: Wait, is that what this is about? Dude, that was years ago. Why are you fanboy raging now?

Sage: (yelling loud enough that Doug has to hold the phone away) I'm not a Sonic fanboy!

Doug: Uh, you sure about that? Because, uh, sounds like you are.

Sage: Listen, I don't care about Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. I played his games every now and then, and that was it. That is hardly anything you would call fanboyism.

Doug: Well, if you don't give a shit about Sonic, then what the hell is this all about?

Sage: This is about you not knowing what the fuck you're talking about. If you thought for one moment the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog was as bad as it got, then fuck your bullshitting ass!

Doug: Hey, I know what's going on here. You found some Sonic anime that you see as being worse than the original, right?

Sage: ...Yes.

Doug: And now you're "angry" at me for leaving it out of the review.

Sage: Wait, what the hell?

Doug: And so you call me up and "demand" that we do a crossover, huh?

(Parental advisory warning here, folks. It gets vulgar)

Sage: Doug, suck my dick. Suck my dick until your jaw loses feeling. Suck my dick until everything you taste from now on tastes like sweaty man-meat. Suck my dick like it's your first night in Hollywood. Suck my dick like you were trying to win a prize on a Japanese game show! Suck my dick like my cum cured baldness! Suck my dick until you are less MAN and more COCKWARMER!!

Doug: ...Okay, Sage, um...that is the worst crossover idea ever.

(And Sage screams before we go to the opening sequence. Once that's over, he's trying to calm down)

Sage: Can you tell I was a Nintendo kid?

(Clips of the movie play)

Sage (vo): I can't believe I'm doing this. Of all the bad OVAs I could wrench out of the coffin of bad 90s anime, I had to choose one of the most annoying, nonsensical pieces of shit to EVER blight a Sonic fanboy's VCR!

Sage: If I'm this pissed about the show, I can't even imagine how an actual Sonic fan would've--

(suddenly static as a new face, this one wearing a gas mask, appears)

Man: I can tell you.

Sage: Oh, hey. Marc the Engineer, everybody. Famous voice actor of fellow actors (pictures of) Brett Weaver, Bill Rogers, Kyle Hebert...and Brett Weaver

Marc: Yeah, yeah whatever. You were asking about how Sonic fans reacted to this knife in the sternum?

Sage: Uh, yeah actually. Wait a minute, um, can I ask about the whole...? (circling aroung his face)

Marc: No.

Sage: Alright, alright. Just asking. So, how would you nkow anything about the--(Marc brings out a Tails doll) okay, okay, fair enough. So, alright, I'll bite. How was the damage?

Marc: I don't know what you're talking about.

Sage: What?

Marc: There wasn't any damage because it didn't happen.

Sage: Uh, Marc, if this didn't happen, then (taking out the VHS) what the hell am I holding?

Marc: Well it's certainly not the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, because it didn't happen.

Sage: Marc, I don't know what you're--

Marc: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!! Look, Lunchbox, I don't expect you to understand, so let me put it to you like this. Sonic Heroes happened, Sonic 2006 happened, Shadow the Hedgehog happened. And to a lesser extent, Dr, Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine, Sonic R, Sonic Riders, Sonic and the Black Knight, Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Shuffle, Sonic 4 and Sonic Underground HAPPENED! THAT!!

Sage: (looking at the movie) This?

Marc: DIDN'T HAPPEN!!

Sage: So Sonic fans handled this through denial?

Marc: Yes! Ehh, no. Alright, it was either living a lie or booze.

Sage: Well, my mama didn't raise me to be no liar. (he puts the tape down, then picks up a bottle of Wild Turkey) In for a penny... (he uncorks the bottle and takes a swig)