The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2017

Introduction
Todd plays Zedd & Alessia Cara - "Stay" on the piano. 

THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2016 A year-end retrospective

Todd: Well, we're still here. Been a crazy year, right?


 * Montage of controversial, chaotic videos about 2017

Todd (VO): Really crazy and chaotic and difficult and not much fun. One of those years. So naturally, during one of the most turbulent years in recent history, American pop music responded to that turmoil in full force. By producing some of the...

Todd: ...dullest, samey-est, most monotonous collections of music ever.


 * Montage clips of Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert - "Bad and Boujee" ; Ed Sheeran - "Shape of You" ; Kendrick Lamar - "HUMBLE." ; Julia Michaels - "Issues" ; Charlie Puth - "Attention" ; Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee - "Despacito" ; Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley - "Chained to the Rhythm" ; DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne - "I'm the One" ; and Cardi B - "Bodak Yellow" 

Todd (VO): This year suuucked. Well you know what, they can't all be winners. I've covered bad years before. It's not even close to worst year in pop music I've ever covered. But it is definitely the least relevant year in pop music I've ever covered. The big names fizzled out, or in some cases imploded spectacularly, to be replaced by a constant string of mid-tempo EDM and indistinguishable, mumbling trap songs.

Todd: I've heard for years that...


 * Montage of Internet Headlines and Music Editing Software.

Todd (VO): ...there were algorithms that could tell you whether something would be a hit, but this is the first year I've really felt like computers were writing our popular music.

Todd: Really tell me that you can tell the difference between all of this.


 * Montage clips of Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug - "Havana" ; Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato - "No Promises" ; Kygo & Selena Gomez - "It Ain't Me" ; Hailee Steinfeld & Grey ft. Zedd - "Starving" ; P!nk - "What About Us" ; and Dua Lipa - "New Rules" 


 * Camila: Havana, ooh-na-na
 * Trevor Dahl: Oh na na
 * Selena: Na-na


 * "New Rules" continues

Todd (VO): Honestly, it was really hard to find ten songs that even stood out enough to be worth hating. This well and truly felt like the year pop music stopped mattering.

Todd: But it wasn't all bad. Let's focus on the good things that happened this year. Like for example, I managed to [image of calendar dates for December 31st and January 1st] get out one of my lists by the end of the year! Whoo! We're counting down...

Clip of Jon Bellion - "All Time Low", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.


 * Jon: I'm at an all time low low low-low-low

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2017

#10
Todd (VO): #10. Todd: You know what? It wasn't a completely awful year in music news, at least not for me. Wanna know why? Because I finally have a rock station!


 * Clip of ALT 92.3


 * Female announcer: New York's new alternative

Todd (VO): Yes, New York City finally has a radio station that plays alternative rock again. It's been years.

Todd: You know, when I moved to New York, [image of Radio City Music Hall...] cultural capital of America, I thought it would be so easy to stay in touch with hip new bands. But it actually got so much harder. The radio stations suck up here.

Image of Tuscan restaurant

Todd (VO): It's like I took a trip to Italy, and then I got served [image of a bowl of...] Spaghetti-O's.

Todd: Having a station now is so great. [Shot of article: "Let There Be (Alt) Rock: Alternative Returns to NYC Radio After Six Years] This is the kind of music I grew up on. I mean hell, maybe it's making a comeback.

Todd (VO): It is just so gratifying to hear an actual left-of-the-dial, non-mainstream, forward-thinking music station back in this city.

Todd: Hell, I have an app for it on my phone. Why don't we listen to it right now? [a familiar annoying vocal plays] [looks up from phone] This is a betrayal.

#10. Imagine Dragons - "Thunder" 


 *  Dan Reynolds: Thunder


 * Feel the thunder

Todd (VO): Okay, look-I was kidding about an alt-rock station being forward-thinking. Alternative rock has been behind the times for years. But even if it's not alternative to anything anymore, it could at least try to rock. ''Thunder. ''What's thunderous about this?

Clip of live performance

Todd (VO): [arrow pointing at acoustic guitar guy] Look at this guy! Is he even doing anything?! Is his guitar even miked? If I tune into a rock station and someone's singing about thunder, it better sound like this.

Clip of AC/DC - Thunderstruck

Todd (VO): [sighs] Maybe we can split the difference. [Performance resumes, this time with high pitched thunders in place of the crowd chanting] [groans] It's just making it worse.

Back to "Thunder" video

Todd (VO): I've heard this called a ripoff of "Royals." But this is less a Lorde ripoff than a ringtone that they're trying to trick you into being a song.

Todd: Imagine Dragons have somehow found an [image of Uncanny Valley chart...] Uncanny Valley of music. It sounds like music, yet there's something just off about it.

Todd (VO): What even explains their success? I don't get it. I read an article that argued this was their mix-and-match approach to genre. It's kind of rock, but it's also kind of electronic. It's music for everybody!

Todd: Which means it's music for nobody!

Todd (VO): What does an Imagine Dragons fan even look like? What would that day about you? I dunno...

Todd: I guess it would say that you like fine consumer products. Now if you'll excuse me, [pulls out laptop] I have to shop for a new Jeep Cherokee on my Microsoft Surface.

Interlude

#9
Todd (VO): #9.

Clip of Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
 * Jimmy Fallon: [holding copy of Red Pill Blues] Maroon 5! 

#9. Maroon 5 - "That One Maroon 5 Song"

Todd (VO): You know...

Todd: That-that one.

Back to Tonight Show

Todd (VO): [sighs] It was called...[groans] I don't remember the name...or how it goes. It was...umm...hold on. I'll think of it.

Todd: Had a really annoying vocal melody. It was really pointless. W-was it called "Maps?" I think it was called "Maps."

#9. Maroon 5 - "Maps"


 * Adam Levine: A map that leads to you
 * The map that leads you

Todd (VO): No, no, that's not from this year. Something more recent. Think it had a guest rapper or...

Todd: Or maybe it was like a duet with another singer...with someone good that was completely wasted on this song and phoning it in. [sighs] That's not helping, is it? What was it?!

#9. Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar- "Don't Wanna Know" 


 * Adam Levine: Don't wanna know-know-know

Todd (VO): Yeah. Th-that's it, "Don't Wanna Know" with Kendrick Lamar. Jeez, for the love of God, stop putting Kendrick Lamar on pop songs. He clearly does not wanna be there.

Todd: Actually, hold up! I don't think this was it!

Todd (VO): It's-it's not annoying enough.

Todd: Must have been one of the other ones. Uh...

#9. Maroon 5 ft. Future- "Cold" 


 * Adam Levine: Cold enough to
 * Chill my bones

Todd (VO): I guess this was it. "Cold" with Future. Yeah.

Todd: I don't know why I even try to tell Maroon 5 songs apart anymore.

Todd (VO): How long has it been since Maroon 5 sounded like they gave a shit? There's been time to make three Thor movies since the last time Maroon 5 was a real band. In fact, I'm fairly certain [image of...] that Adam Levine is 100% CGI at this point.

Todd: And no this isn't the song I was thinking of either. Did they release any other songs this year?

And now the real #9...

#9. Maroon 5 ft. SZA- "What Lovers Do" 


 * Adam Levine: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
 * Been wishin' for you
 * Ooh, ooh

Todd (VO): Yeah, this is it. It was definitely this one. That one song featuring Whatsherface.

Todd: Actually, I like SZA. I-she deserves a lot better than this. But, Maroon 5 has a way of dragging people down to their level.

Todd (VO): I guess on one level this isn't really any worse than any other Maroon 5 songs, which aren't even ambitious enough to be bad, but it's been year after year of this shit with no break. I have absolutely no tolerance for Adam Levine anymore.

Todd: This makes it on the list because Levine still knows just how to be catchy enough to get one line of melody stuck in my head.


 * Adam: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
 * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
 * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
 * [slowed down] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Todd: [groans]


 * Adam: Tryna' do what lovers do

Todd (VO): This is the sound dolphins make when they die. ''What lovers do. ''Hell, even the title sounds like a robot wrote it. [image of confused robot standing next ot question mark...] [in robotic voice] Human explain how to do what lovers do. [normal] But if you want me to be honest, here's the point where I got angry enough for this song to put it on the list. I went to see a movie a couple months ago, and out in the theater among the movie posters [image of poster for What Lovers Do video] I saw this. This is an actual picture I took. They advertised the goddamn music video, which had already been out for months at this point...

Todd: ...like it was an actual movie.


 * Adam: Tryna' do what lovers do

Todd (VO): It's not even a good video! Special effects is not the same thing as being good!

Todd: Yeah, screw this song, which...[pause] I've already forgotten the name of it.


 * Adam: Tryna' do what lovers do (ooh)

Interlude

#8
Todd (VO): #8.

Clip of Beyoncé - Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)
 * Beyoncé: All the single ladies
 * All the single ladies

Todd (VO): When I started doing this show, I really did not like Beyoncé. I've come around on her and, I've eaten up everything she's made this decade. I even have a Tidal subscription because of her.

Clip of "Formation"

Todd (VO): But I'm still uneasy with the messianic cult that she has. It's like people are going out of their way to make [clip of "Hold Up"] everything she ever does the greatest thing anyone has ever done. Everyone treats her like she's so far beyond human. [sarcastically] Oh, she can do anything. She can turn water into wine. [image of single cover for Perfect] She can even make the new Ed Sheeran song worth listening to.

Todd: No, no. Calm down, no one can do that. That's impossible.

#8. Ed Sheeran & Beyoncé - "Perfect" 
 * Ed Sheeran: We were just kids
 * When we fell in love

Todd (VO): I've called Ed Sheeran a lot of things in my reviews, but one thing I've never called him is boring.

Todd: And believe me, that's always my first instinct with coffee shop folk singers like him. But, he's not boring. He's very interesting.

Todd (VO): Even at his worst, he's a very unique performer. He writes intricate rhymes, compelling melodies. [clip of "Shape of You"] I hated "Shape of You" but, no one but Ed Sheeran would've written it. It's a weird goddamn song.

Todd: But now, as we speak...

Todd (VO): As this song is currently #1 on the Hot 100, I want to say that for the first time, I am completely fucking bored by Ed Sheeran. This is the most basic, least inspired song in his entire career. It has absolutely none of his personality.

Todd: This thing is so half-assed, it makes [image from...] "Thinking Out Loud" look like a double LP rock opera.
 * Ed Sheeran: And you look perfect

Todd (VO): Now in most circumstances, this song would have been released, charted #30 or something and then...

Todd: ...disappear like any other fourth single off an album.

Todd (VO): But like I said, "Perfect" is currently at #1. And that would absolutely not have happened were it not for the fact that Beyoncé decided to record a duet version and release that. Beyoncé in 2017 has thoroughly outgrown the Hot 100.

Todd: So I guess she felt the need to pop in and remind people that she can still have actual hit singles. But dear God. Why did it have to be this?
 * Ed Sheeran & Beyoncé: Looking so beautful I don't

Todd (VO): This duet doesn't make a lick of sense. For one, the attempted humble sincerity of the original doesn't match what would Beyoncé's overwhelming goddessness. But more importantly, it forces you to think of Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé as a couple.

Todd: [shudders]
 * Ed Sheeran: We were just kids
 * When we fell in love

Todd: "We were both kids?" [shakes his head] Okay first off...

Todd (VO): Beyoncé is ten years older than Ed Sheeran. But more importantly, persona wise, Beyoncé is a million years old and has been worshiped by primitive cultures since prehistory, whereas Ed Sheeran is a six-year old who still wets his pants! Comparatively I mean.
 * Ed Sheeran & Beyoncé: You look perfect

Todd (VO): I mean I totally get Ed Sheeran calling Beyoncé perfect.

Todd: Don't really understand it in reverse though.

Interlude

#7
Todd (VO): #7.

#7. Imagine Dragons - "Believer" 
 * Dan Reynolds: Pain!
 * You made me a, you made me a believer

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, we're not done imaging dragons yet.

Todd (VO): I've disliked plenty of Imagine Dragons songs but, Jesus Christ. This is on another level.

Todd: Listening to this is work.

Todd (VO): Like doing push-ups or walking five miles through the snow. I have no idea why people embrace this lumbering empty shell of a song.
 * Dan Reynolds: First things first
 * I'ma say all the words inside my head

Todd (VO): "First things first" is an opening line...

Todd: ...for people who don't know what they're going to write about.

Clip of Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - "Fancy"
 * Iggy Azalea: First things first
 * I'm the realest (realest)

Todd: Same point.

Todd (VO): That song wasn't really about being fancy. [back to "Believer"] And this isn't really about being a believer.

Todd: Now take..."Take Me to Church."
 * Hozier: Take me to church

Todd (VO): I also thought that song was pretentious and boring, but at least I understood what he was worshipping.

Todd: He was worshipping ass.
 * Hozier: Tells me "worship in the bedroom"

Todd (VO): He was moved to religion because he got some really good ass. Not something I thought deserved that ultra serious tone but...

Todd: At least it's something.

Todd (VO): This though, believer...of what?