46

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 46 (December 30, 2009)

''We see That Guy With The Glasses reading his book in his normal location, adorned with holiday decorations. This time, though, in addition to wearing a Santa hat, he has a cigar in his mouth instead of his traditional pipe. Once he notices the camera...''

That Guy: Oh! (closes the book) Happy New Year! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Traditional introduction and piano music.

Narrator (always off-screen, his questions appear on-screen unless noted): What's with the cigar?

That Guy: (facing screen left with cigar in mouth, he turns to the camera and takes it out) That's a very good question. Actually, it's the traditional way to ring in the New Year's. / [indicates a jump cut] I always see people smoke cigars on New Year's, so I figure that's the BEST way to ring it in tonight.

Narrator: Need a light?

That Guy: Thank you, I don't smoke.

Narrator: So, why're you still doing Christmas questions even though it's close to New Year's?

That Guy: I'm getting just a little bit tired of your questions, Mr. Cameraman. Do I need to unleash my sack in your face?

Narrator (obviously stammering): Uh...ba, ja...no, sorry.

That Guy: Good. Next cheerful holiday question.

Narrator (words here NOT on-screen): All right. Again, I'm sorry.

That Guy: Oh, you WILL be. (raises his eyebrows as he says this)

Narrator: Every time we put the hat on Frosty, he shouts, "Happy Birthday!" Was he dropped as a wee snowball, or is it just what I keep putting in his pipe?

That Guy: It's hard to say. Of course, a lot of that depends exactly on what you're PUTTING in his pipe. / If it's tobacco, then no. / Marijuana? Probably. / Tropical frogs? Now that's a "definitely." / Incidentally, have you ever smoked a tropic frog? / You will see the most magical images you've ever seen in your entire life. / You'll be able to breathe colors and smell happiness. / You'll also be able to marry the person of your dreams and live in a wonderland of Corn Flakes. / That, or you... (fiddles his hands about) die. (puts the cigar in his mouth)

Narrator: If you, Chuck Norris, Jesus and Buddha were in a room together, which one of you would come out alive?

That Guy: (faces screen left and turns, cigar out of mouth) Well, that's a bit of a trick question because really none of us can be killed. / Jesus is Jesus. Buddha is Buddha. / Chuck Norris made a deal with God. / And I, of course, made a deal with the Devil. / (looks down and to his right) I really should've thought of a better way to purchase this robe. / (back at the camera) But there it is. / But in terms of who would win because everyone else is so sick and tired of the PAIN? (closes his eyes and mouths "Me!", finishing with a teethy smile) / My powers are greater than that of those pansies. / And if I'm wrong, may God strike me down right no... (a superimposed blue lightning strikes appears from above, hitting That Guy) / (after a brief flash of light and thunder sound effect, no one is on screen for a few seconds; eventually, That Guy returns from screen right) I'm back. I just have to promote Narnia some more. (he holds up the book) / So that's great. Not only am I working for the Devil now, I'm ALSO working for God. (pauses and looks off to the right, then back to the camera) It's going to be an AWKWARD Christmas party next year.

Narrator: Is Santa a ninja?

That Guy: (chuckles) You bet he is. The greatest ninja EVER KNOWN. / Ya ever see the game Ninja Gaiden? Based on him. / In fact, there WAS a game about him as a ninja; but no one ever saw it. (pauses) He's that good. / Not only is he able to get in your house without being detected... / but he's also a MASTER with a katana sword. / In fact, he's SO good with that katana sword that's he's often called in to perform executions in prisons. / The people they're REALLY ashamed of. / What does he do to them, you may ask? Well, let's pretend (holds up a snowman figurine) that this snowman is the prisoner. (drops both hands out of shot; we then hear the Snowman's "voice" in a "dramatic" re-enactment...)

Snowman: OH GOD! NO!!! Oh, please, not there! NOT THERE! OH, SWEET HEAVENLY SNOW! (crying) No, I need that! I NEED THAT! (crying and screaming, which eventually becomes higher-pitched - digitally altered, of course. All the while, That Guy slowly rocks back and forth with a grin on his face. When the screaming stops, he holds his cigar back up to his face)

That Guy: Lovely.

Narrator: Did you shoot your eye out?

That Guy: Actually, I shot both of them out. These are on loan by Data from Star Trek. (cut to a still of Data from the TV show, but his eyes are blacked out; back to That Guy) And yet I still have to wear glasses. / (scoffs) That's the LAST time I kick an android in the balls and steal his eyesight. / No, it's not.

Narrator: I was recently hired to decorate the neighbor's house with Christmas decorations. Seeing as I spent the budget on cocaine, I decided to go for the most resourceful solution... (the previous words fade, and these ones come up) by killing their newborn and decorating their house with his organs. According to the judge, how long do "multiple life sentences" last?

That Guy: (has a horrified look on his face; he then slowly walks right up to the camera and slowly speaks) Sage? Is that you?

Narrator: Why do people even celebrate Christmas?

That Guy: Why, I think that's obvious: to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. / For you see, His birth changed the world. / And soon, we will all join Him again in a world of peace and love. (pauses) / Naaaah, I'm kidding. It's just to get another day off. / (up-close) And fruitcake. / (back in his normal spot, he winks to the camera twice)

Narrator: Can I get a Hummel figurine for Christmas?

That Guy: My dear fellow, you don't get a Hummel figurine for Christmas. Hummel figurines get YOU.

Hummel: (figurine from Episode 45 held up-close to the camera, with a deep, demonic voice; music switches to a demonic choir piece) My babooshka is made out of the ass of Clifford the Dog! (leaning in closer) And, one day, YOU.

That Guy: (music returns to normal) Don't ever make that mistake again, or I'll scalp you.

Narrator: I want Santa Claus to bring me a puppy, but my mother says she won't allow it. How do I keep her out of the way?

That Guy: (turns to camera) Well, have you ever thought about faking your own kidnapping? / You just take a ransom note cut out of letters from magazines... / and say, "If you ever want to see your child again, you had better get him a puppy." / Now, if you're really dedicated to getting a pet, try cutting your toe off. / And mail it to her in an envelope. That'll REALLY get her scared. / She'll buy you a puppy in NO time. / But then, just to REALLY show her up, kill yourself. / And dump your body off a bridge. / THAT'LL teach her not to get you a puppy. / (brief chuckle) What would you do without me? / Eat pork.

Narrator: Does the Easter Bunny steal Santa's sleigh to get around the world?

That Guy: Nope. He rides in the Jesusmobile. / (cut to a Photoshopped image of a red convertible with the Easter Bunny inside the car and Jesus' head on the fromt of the car as the hood ornament; back to That Guy) It doesn't go very fast. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (winks at the camera and returns to reading and "smoking")

THE END (at the bottom of the end title screen, it says "Happy New Year!")