Camp Rock

(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Camp Rock)

Doug (vo; chuckling): Oh, my God, guys. Camp Rock is so bad. I know I kind of sound like a giggling idiot saying that, but I'm sorry. It's really hard not to laugh when talking about this movie. It is just...so bad. Okay, it's not as surreal as Can of Worms or as annoying as Cheetah Girls, but it really is kind of amazing how they hit every single possible cliche you could do with this story. Where do I even begin? I'll start at the beginning, 'cause, yeah, it's like everything seems immediately awkward and out of place even from the start.

Story and review
Doug (vo): There's this high school girl named Mitchie, who's really excited to go to Camp Rock. But it looks like her parents aren't able to have her go. But then, it turns out...they can! Yeah...that...that's the opening. What was the point of that? She finds out she can't go, she mopes for maybe a minute, and then the parents are so excited, they tell her that they can go, because they're catering there, and she's excited again. Why wasn't that edited out? I'll tell you exactly why. Because they saw in other movies this cliche where somebody is sad they can't go to a place, but then happy when they find out they can, even though they don't really grasp that that goes for a long time, and there's ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and arches and stuff like that. No! You just need a minute of this not yet developed character sulking, and then suddenly being happy. And that's pretty much how the rest of the film works, just trying to cram in as many cliches as possible. They can't even juggle them all.

(Footage focusing on the secondary main character, Shane (Joe Jonas), as well as his other bandmates (Nick and Kevin Jonas), is shown)

Doug (vo): You see, the Jonas Brothers...oh, wait, I'm sorry. Not the Jonas Brothers, a completely different band...has a lead singer who's acting out and totally forgetting what it means to be about the music. So his band members drop him off at Camp Rock to hope he will regain his voice. Yeah, because a teeny-bopper pop singer surrounded by teens is gonna help him discover his voice. Isn't that what he already gets? Even the first scene we have with him and Mitchie at the camp is just a mix of too many cliches. He's running away from a bunch of girls, so he hides in a bush. She suddenly gets an urge to play in the piano, you know, be herself and play her little solo that she wrote. I think the idea is that he's supposed to hear her music and be inspired, but they don't show anything like that. She's playing and it keeps cutting back to him, but he's not looking up at her or acting like he's hearing anything, he's just looking at these girls he's trying to hide from. Then she disappears, then he goes inside, and it's like, "Was anybody here?" Oh, okay. So you did hear somebody there. How come nothing on your face indicated that? How come none of the editing indicated that?

(Footage focusing on the supporting characters is shown)

Doug (vo): Well, no time to answer that. We have to get to all of our incredibly cliched characters, like the popular bully, who apparently runs the camp. How does a teen pop singer run a camp? Even the snarky best friend stereotype is like, "Yeah, music doesn't fly here. It's all about the bling. That's why she runs the camp." But it's okay, because Mitchie, of course, makes up a lie that her parents are incredibly popular and presidents of companies and stuff like that, and she's totally been in a lot of music videos and...uh-oh! Will that lie be revealed somewhere down the road? Again, we have no time for that cliche, because we have to get to the cliche of the Jonas Brother just sitting alone, saying he doesn't like being a label, and he wants to work in his own music and not this cookie cutter stuff. Uh, news flash, jackass. The guy sitting alone on the beach, playing his guitar, is also a label. You're living proof of that, being a Jonas Brother acting out this cliche.

(Several scenes focusing on the bully, Tess, and the climax are shown)

Doug (vo): But, oh! We have to get to the cliche of the bully girl throwing food at another girl, but it's okay, because she'll still sabotage her by interrupting her performance, saying that she saw a snake. Okay, so it got interrupted. The girl can go right back to play...oh, no. She's too mad. Apparently, she can't keep playing...what reality is this in?! And where the hell are the councilors? There's no order at this place! But apparently, that's still not enough cliches, so the bully girl makes it look like she stole something from her. Oh, my God! This is overload! Did anybody have an original thought when making this? But it's tragic, too, because that bully girl, it turns out her mother is a pop star and doesn't have time for her. Ooh! This film's deep, guys! So now Mitchie's a liar and apparently a thief, but, of course, it'll take some sort of big jam concert at the end to make everybody okay. Mitchie, her best friend, Jonas Brother #3, even the bully girl ends up being a best friend at the end. Okay, you know what? I am sick of this. There needs to be some consequences. I'm usually for forgive and forget and everything, but this is ridiculous! What number Disney Channel movie is this where they just kiss and make up at the end, totally forget all the terrible things they've done and they just allow them to be friends again? I know it's good to be nice, but I'm sorry! There's gotta be some goddamn responsibility in this world!

(More scenes focusing on Shane and his bandmmates are shown)

Doug (vo): Oh, and by the way, in answer to your first question you were probably asking when you saw this review, the answer is...no. The Jonas Brothers cannot act.

Jason: We have a problem with that.

Nate: Actually, I don't really have a problem with that. (Jason looks at Nate, who immediately changes his opinion) We have a problem with that.

Shane: One word: Payback.

Nate: That's two words.

Doug (vo): By God, is that painful. This film doesn't have a corny charm like the High School Musicals or the Twitches films. It's just manipulative, beginning to end. Nothing seems real, nothing seems interesting. Which is a shame, because I think the girl playing the main lead (Demi Lovato) actually isn't that bad. She has kind of this awkward smile and okay delivery that I could totally see working in another film. But here, there's nothing she or any of these cast members can do.

Final thought
Doug (vo): It's just every cliche checklist you can imagine. And I'll be honest, it's hard to say I didn't kind of enjoy how bad it was. I mean, good lord, even the songs suck. For Jonas Brother #3 talking about cookie cutter pop songs, there sure are a lot of cookie cutter pop songs in this. So, yeah, I can kind of see people looking back on this and laughing the same way we look back on Space Jam and laugh, like it's just so incredibly dumb and dated. But if you're looking for a legitimately good and charming movie, I can easily say, get the rock out of here.

(One of the film's final scenes, showing the main characters performing at their big concert, is shown)