The Adventures of Pluto Nash

(NC 2016 opening. We cut to the Nostalgia Critic on his phone. After a while, he notices the viewers watching)

NC: Really? You clicked on this? You know this is Pluto Nash, right? This is, like, one of the biggest box office bombs that ever existed. I much rather you watch a video on the side scroll (shows picture of the Vessel Side Bar) than put me to work through this. It's really okay, I won't mind. There's lots more interesting videos. Look. There's Cinema Snob reviewing...

(Cut to a title card with the Cinema Snob in the foreground)

NC (vo): ... Naked Kirk Cameron Saving Naked Michael Myers on Naked Christmas.

CS: The twist is, it's really Naked Kwanzaa.

NC: Wouldn't you much rather watch that? (sighs) Okay. If you're so insistent, let's go ahead and take a look at this stinker.

(Cut to Malcolm and Tamara celebrating and pouring a bottle of champagne next to a whiteboard that says, "Day Off!!!")

Tamara: Whoo-hoo!

Malcolm: Day off, baby!

Tamara: Yes!

NC: No, no, guys. They're watching the video.

(Malcolm and Tamara are stumped)

Malcolm: They are?

Tamara: But...but they know it's Pluto Nash, right?

NC: That's what I told them, but they're still watching.

Tamara: But we were gonna get drunker than someone who watched Pluto Nash!

NC: Yeah, I know, but they wanna see a review of it. So get in your costumes!

(An annoyed Malcolm and Tamara walk away while looking at the camera)

Malcolm: Thanks a lot, dickholes.

Tamara: You can take your love of Eddie Murphy and shove it up your ass!

NC: Funny. Most Eddie Murphy movies don't stop a drinking bender, they usually start them.

(We see the movie's title, followed by the movie's clips)

NC (vo): Known as the most expensive yet lazy comedic bomb since (picture of) Netanyahu spoke at the UN, Pluto Nash lacks any sort of charm, originality, and yes, even comedy, in what's supposed to be a charming, original and comedic film. This movie's put on God knows how many worst films ever lists, and in many respects, I can understand. But in others, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Hell, they didn't even put the effort into convert it to Blu-Ray, they care so little.

NC: It's so not worth the effort, I am literally phoning in this review right now. (Cut to the video being played on a cell phone) Yeah, I'm not even here. I'm not wasting my time on this shit. I'm actually preparing for the next review.

(We cut to NC in his dressing room, holding a Batman costume and a Superman costume. He notices the camera)

NC: I swear this isn't a clue.

(Back to NC in his room)

NC: So let's start off with the joke I know you're all waiting for me to make.

(Cut to Nash Bozard with a picture of Pluto beside him)

Nash: Trust me, this is trying harder than anything in the film.

NC: This is Pluto Nash.

(The movie starts)

NC (vo): After reading a slew of actors, thinking to yourself, "Oh, yeah! They were a thing because they were in that...thing.", we see Jay Mohr doing horrible as a musician in a bar.

NC: How do we know he's doing bad? Well, because he has an accordion, of course.

(We see Anthony Frankowski (Mohr) performing on a stage with an accordion)

NC (vo): Apparently, we still like this nerdy cliche.

NC: Oh, what? Was the taped-up glasses, bow tie and holding books musician not available? (We see a photo of that exact-looking person)

NC (vo): He also seems to be the owner of the bar, who serves his friend just because the script says he's his friend, Eddie Murphy.

(We see Anthony serving Pluto Nash (Murphy) a drink)

Pluto Nash: Wow.

Anthony: Here you go, Pluto.

(An alarm sounds as a large caption saying, "INSERT IMMEDIATE PROBLEM" is shown)

NC (vo): Insert immediate problem!

NC: When you hear the name "Pluto Nash", what's the first thing that comes into your head? (Brief cut to Nash) After that. B-movie, space adventures, goofy characters, shooting laser guns.

NC (vo): But the strange thing about this film is, there's surprisingly not much of that. Don't get me wrong. There are some space suits and robots and such, but the story is mostly a straightforward mystery. Hell, it surprisingly kind of takes its storyline very seriously. Just look at all these serious conversations they have.

(We see a montage of some characters talking seriously)

Rowland: Marucci had the bucks, he had the background.

Dina Lake: Why is he so set in buying your club?

Pluto: He's got into the city council 'cause they're about to approve gambling in this town.

Rowland: A claw doctor named Runa Pendankin.

Mona Zimmer: Runa was dealing with some pretty heavy characters, but she didn't tell me who.

NC: So, if you're gonna be lame enough to actually tell us we're supposed to take this story seriously, how seriously can we take it if we're constantly hearing...?

(Another montage of characters saying Pluto's name is shown)

Man: Pluto!

Rowland: Pluto.

Anthony: Pluto.

Bletcher: Pluto.

Dina: Pluto!

Man 2: Pluto!

Rowland: Pluto.

Man 3: Pluto?

(Cut to a Mickey Mouse cartoon "Mickey and the Armadillo")

Mickey Mouse: Pluto! Hey, Pluto!

NC: Not much.

NC (vo): Greatest irony is Murphy talks to Mohr about changing his act as well as his name because it sounds so ridiculous, but this could just as easily be him talking about the movie's name and act. If the movie (represented by the poster) sat down next to Murphy saying its name was Pluto Nash, he'd be like...

Pluto: That's not even a thing. Did you make that up? It's horrible. Horrible. You know what you need to do? You need Tony Francis. You like that? (the movie nods) Change your name.

NC: Or something more sensible like (picture of) Jupiter Jones.

NC (vo): So, Pluto is busy doing....unexplained occupation. As Adrian's brother comes in, proving once and for all that less should equal more.

Anthony: Pluto's my best friend.

(A funnel is shoved in Anthony's mouth as the mobsters plan to pour battery acid down his throat)

NC (vo as Anthony): Please, kill my career! My biggest claimed a fame is working with Mafia. (as Mobster) You mean us? (as Anthony) (poster for Mafia!) No, the comedy that bombed almost as big as this one!

Gino: He's a little backed up.

NC (vo): It looks like Mohr owes them money, but Pluto...God, I hope I never get used to saying that...steps in and says he'll cover his debt with mysterious income and buy the bar.

Gino: My gift to you.

NC (vo): So, a mere seven years later...in almost the exact same establishing shot... (The two shots are shown side by side)

NC: Yeah, they're showing this city from so many angles like "above shot" and "slightly left of the above shot".

NC (vo): ...As the bar is really taken off and turned into a dance club. (Shots of the crowd dancing to the music are shown) Hey everyone, do the Not-Trying. Okay, place your bets now. Eighteen and under club, or Mormon rave.

(The polls are in as he looks at them. 18 and Under Club: 20%. Mormon Rave: 10% Ironic Space Mutiny Party: 70%)

NC: Oooh, a third option. (Clip of Space Mutiny plays) Ironic Space Mutiny Party.

NC (vo): So Pluto...God, what cruel parents...comes across a young waitress looking for work trying to pay her way home played by Rosario Dawson.

Dina: My moon card expired and I was told you were the one person in town who might overlook that.

NC (vo): (sighs) Rosie, you said "yes" to a movie that had "moon card" in it.

NC: What's next? (Poster for Clerks II appears) Clerks II? Only if there's a love scene with a donkey.

NC (vo): Actually, to Dawson's credit, even when she's in bad movies, she always looks like the only one who's ever freaking trying. Everyone else acts like they can do this role in their sleep. In fact, I think Murphy is half the time.

Pluto: You know what time it is? Don't be calling me this time of night. What's wrong with you?

NC: (as Pluto) Oh, sorry. Sometimes I sleepwalk with my eyes open. Was I talking in my sleep, too?

NC (vo): But two representatives of Rex Crater--

NC: Okay, did they steal these names from the C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? (Poster for Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa)

NC (vo): --want to buy his club for $10 million dollars. Or as they call it, 10 million Hillarys. (The money has Hillary Clinton's face on the bills)

(NC is stunned by that joke)

NC: Okay, this is a tough one, because at the date this review is coming out, I don't know if this is incredibly clever or incredibly dated. So, for the first time ever, I am giving you a multiple choice joke.

(A caption pops up saying "Choose After November 8, 2016")

NC (vo): Just come back after November 8th and choose from these options.

A.

NC: Well, they can obviously throw that prop into the fire. It wouldn't be the first time she felt the Bern. (he means Bernie Sanders)

B.

NC: Well, she bought the rest of Hollywood to get the Presidency. Are we really surprised by this?

C.

(Cut to statues of Donald Trump in the background as NC, dressed like a Nazi, rants in mock German before cartoon hammers (the logo for Hammerskins) goose-step past them to build a wall)

NC: Pluto turns them down, and asks his bodyguard android (Bruno), played by Canada's most dangerous actor, Randy Quaid, to escort them out.

Bruno: Model sixty....three

Man: Talk about ancient.

Bruno: You're sister didn't seem to mind.

Man: Scree you robot!

(Bruno grabs the man and throws him into a chair)

NC: Boy, that metal plate in (picture of) Eddie's head has bigger consequences than I thought.