War of the Commercials

(After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we dissolve to a closeup of the donut on the NC's "I [Donut] Donuts" t-shirt. He then sits himself down on the couch)

NC: Just go! (pushes a button on his remote)

(And, once again as in the past, we are treated to that same old opening sequence, those "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages...

(The title "Just Go!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Super Smash Bros. on Nintendo 64
(TV static transition to: Super Smash Bros. on Nintendo 64 commercial)

Note: It's been confirmed that the announcer heard in this commercial is in fact the late and great Don LaFontaine, who died of pneumothorax on September 1, 2008 at the age of 68.

(Mario, Pikachu, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong are seen skipping along through a field together, while "Happy Together" by the Turtles plays in the background)

NC (vo): Yeah, this one launches the nostalgic feels. It's the first commercial for Super Smash Bros. on Nintendo 64. Now it's a commonplace idea to see your favorite lovable characters beat the shit out of each other, but back then, seeing these cuddly cuteballs skip was pretty shocking when it was followed by this...

(Mario kicks Yoshi in the leg, knocking him to the ground. Then Donkey Kong retaliates by punching Mario on the head)

NC: Good Lord!

NC (vo): Suddenly, it's Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator looking over an enchanted bloodbath!

(As the Nintendo characters engage in an all-out brawl, Phoenix's character from Gladiator, Commodus, watches and sticks his tongue out)

Don LaFontaine (vo): Something's gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo.

NC (vo): What I like is, before you realize it's all going this direction, it just looks like Mario snapped at Yoshi! (the scene of Mario kicking Yoshi is played again) What the hell did he do?! Did he have a flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him?

(As dramatic music plays, a clip of Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island plays, in which a crying Baby Mario, out of reach of Yoshi, is spirited away by Kamek's toadies)

NC (vo): (as Mario, as he kicks Yoshi) Never forgive, asshole! (as DK, as he punches Mario) You're a dickhead, Mario! (as Mario) You're the dickhead!

(NC then imitates all of the characters at once as they fight, but it's too inaudible to make it out, except for Pikachu's "Pika! Pika!", as DK throws him through the air by his tail)

NC: Ten points to whoever threw Pikachu twice, by the way.

(In the commercial, Pikachu is seen airborne a second time)

NC (vo; as Pikachu): Pika-nooooo!

(Yoshi then swings a sledgehammer at the camera; it smashes the image, leaving a spurt of blood)

NC (vo): Why were they even skipping if they were just gonna fight? Is it like (a shot of the following appears in the upper-left corner...) A Clockwork Orange, where Mario knew he was gonna jack them up?

NC (vo; as Mario, in the manner of Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange): I was calm on the outside, but thinking all the time. So now it was Yoshi the general, saying what to do and what not to do. Well, I viddied what to do.

(To music from A Clockwork Orange, Mario's kick that starts the whole fight is shown again)

NC: Couldn't you just get revenge by...

(A clip of Super Mario World, showing Yoshi, Mario having been knocked off, running off a cliff)

NC (vo): ...dropping him off another cliff?

NC: We know the Yoshi species are like socks to you.

(Cut back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Ultra-violent as hell, but pretty funny, too, this commercial hits hard in the laughs.

Don LaFontaine (vo): Only on Nintendo 64.

(The commercial ends with Yoshi hitting DK on the head with the aforementioned hammer, knocking the big gorilla to the ground with the N in "Nintendo 64" spinning around his head like circling stars; cut to the tagline for the N64: "Get N or Get Out")

Alex DeLarge: (audio) I was cured, all right.

Ring Pop
(TV static transition to: Ring Pop commercial)

(A boy is shown wearing boxing gloves)

Boy 1: Where's the ring?

Girl 1: Here's the ring. Ring Pop!

NC (vo): Hey, kids, want to eat your bling? Seek help, and then seek a Ring Pop.

(Cut to another commercial, showing a boy and girl)

Boy 2: Will you wear my ring? (hands over a purple box with Ring Pop inside it)

Girl 2: (happy) Ring Pop!

Singers: It's a lollipop without a stick, / A ring of flavor you can lick!

NC (vo): It's a catchy jingle and a typical setup, but it is one of those few commercials that have me constantly asking the question: what happened after?

NC: I know, I know, these are just playful scenarios to set up jokes, but, what if they didn't cut away? How would the rest of these scenes play out?

Boy 2: Will you wear my ring?

Girl 2: (happy) Ring Pop!

NC: (as Girl 2, holding a red box containing Ring Pop, laughs) Seriously, where's the ring, though? (as Boy 2) Well, I, uh, uh... (as Girl 2) You kept a box behind your back saying "Will you wear my ring?". You do not screw with a girl when it comes to this! (as Boy 2) W-Well, I got some Tootsie Rolls, if you're interested in any of those. (as Girl 2, puts Ring Pop on) Oh, look, I can turn it around and wear on the inside. (as Boy 2) What does it have to do with-

(NC, as Girl 2, slaps the interlocutor with Ring Pop)

NC: (as Boy 2, offscreen) OH!

Boy 1: ​Where's the ring?

Girl 1: Here's the ring. Ring Pop!

NC: (as Boy 1, wearing boxing gloves with American flag pattern on them) Okay, what the hell? You told me there was a ring, I thought I was fighting the school bully, I was pissing myself with fear, and it was all just a pun for edible jewelry?

Girl 1: Ring Pop!

NC: (as Boy 1, angrily puts the gloves off) Yeah, here's your pop. (punches the camera)

Singers: You wear a ring on magic finger, Ring Pop!

(Cut to other commercial, which shows two little girls playing fashionistas)

Girl 3: I love the way the ring looks.

Girl 4: (the one wearing Ring Pop) I love the way the ring tastes. (puts Ring Pop in her mouth)

Girl 3: Ring Pop! (giggles)

NC: (as Girl 4, watching at Ring Pop excitedly) My life is a toddler and tiara is scarring, but at least I have Ring Pop! (as Girl 4's mother, offscreen) Julie? Are you getting candy on your walkway clothes? (as Girl 4, shivering with fear) No, Mom! (as Girl 4's mother, offscreen) You better not, chubby thighs.

(NC, as Girl 4, starts crying and puts Ring Pop in his mouth)

NC (vo): Nevertheless, it's a cute commercial for a cute product.

Girl 5: Then I can get out the stick and get a ring!

Singers: Ring Pop!

(A slapping sound is heard)

NC (vo; as Boy 2): OH!

Got Milk?
(TV static transition to: Got Milk? commercial)

(A man is shown at restaurant eating pancakes, and the bartender puts the glass of water)

Man: (with mouth full) Can I have some milk, please?

Bartender: (pointing at the woman nearby) She got the last one.

NC (vo): Believe it or not, there was a time when the funniest commercials you could watch were milk commercials. Yeah, in the early 90s, milk sales were down, so the California Milk Processor Board hired renowned advertising agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners to make milk, well... kinda cool.

NC: But how do you do that? It's milk. I mean, this was their advertising campaign before...

(One commercial is shown, showing a bunch of girls dancing across a stage dressed like milk cartons, while singing that iconic slogan...)

Girls: Milk, it does a body good!

NC: (shudders) Clearly, it didn't have that big an effect.

(Another milk commercial is shown)

NC (vo): But with the catchphrase of only two words, "Got Milk?", suddenly, milk was hilarious.

(The commercial is shown of a man in a hospital in a full body cast, with only his eyes visible. The doctors and nurses drink milk loudly, sometimes including cookies dunked in, while the man in the body cast writhes about in his bed, screaming muffled screams; then cut to the aforementioned two-word slogan...)

Announcer: Got Milk?

(Cut to a Christmas version of this commercial, with Santa trying to drink milk from what is revealed to be an empty carton)

NC (vo): If Santa didn't get some with his cookies, he'd steal your friggin' tree!

(Another commercial is shown, involving a man getting hit and killed by a truck and going to Heaven)

NC (vo): Think you've died and gone to Heaven? Not when you have giant cookies and no cartons of milk to wash it down with!

(In this commercial, the man is seen rummaging through a GIANT-ASS refrigerator, which is FULL of milk cartons, but they're ALL empty apparently)

Man: (tossing out milk cartons willy-nilly) Milk! MILK! Wait a minute... where am I?

(Cut to the iconic catchphrase, which is spoken like usual, but this time, it is burning with fire)

NC: The best ones often tricked you, so you didn't even know you were watching a milk commercial until the very end.

(The commercial in question is shown, showing the business meeting shot in black-and-white. The chairman holds up a cookie covered in chocolate)

NC (vo): One of them you think is an Oreo commercial trying to find a name for the product.

Advertiser 1: Vaporicious!

Advertiser 2: Crystal Cookie!

Advertiser 3: Choco-Llama!

(The chairman spots an advertiser. The latter pours a milk in his glass, but discovers the carton is empty)

NC (vo): But when an advertiser wants to drink down his mouthful...

Chairman: What about you, Hurley?

Hurley: (mouth full) Oreo.

NC: But in that case, wasn't it good that he didn't have milk? Still better than this.

(The commercial seen from earlier is shown again)

Girls: Milk, it does a body good!

(NC shudders again. Another commercial is shown, with a man (Harland Williams) buying Cheerios, Wheaties and Trix cereals)

NC (vo): Another is particularly cruel, making you think it's a Trix commercial.

Cashier: Trix are for kids! (laughs)

(Cut to the man at his table at home)

Man 2: Today...

(The man unzips himself to reveal the Trix Rabbit underneath)

Trix Rabbit: ...they're for rabbits!

(He laughs hysterically before grabbing a carton of milk to start pouring, but only one drop comes out. His eyes widen in shock)

Trix Rabbit: Uh?...

(Smash cut to the "Got Milk?" slogan)

NC (vo): Oh, that hurts so good!

NC: Next time, try a better costume than Kenny from Half-Baked.

NC (vo): These ads were so popular, they were even being mentioned by...

(Cut to a clip from Garfield: The Movie)

Garfield (Bill Murray): Got milk?

NC: ...CG va-ginger-ginas.

(The very first "Got Milk?" commercial from 1993 is shown, taking place in a private museum dedicated to Alexander Hamilton. Its owner, played by Sean Whalen, is listening to classical radio station, when suddenly, an ad interrupts it)

NC (vo): But by far, the best is the one that started it all. An obsessed fan of Alexander Hamilton...

(The photo of Mike Pence is shown)

NC: Eh, still obsessed.

NC (vo): ...makes a peanut butter sandwich, when a radio calling contest asks for $10,000 who shot him.

Radio Announcer (Rob Paulsen): Who shot Alexander Hamilton in that famous duel?

(The owner realizes he has the artifacts revolving around a duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr)

Radio Announcer: All right, let's go to the phones and see who's out there.

(The phone rings, and the owner answers it)

Owner: (mouth full) Hello?

Radio Announcer: (on phone) Hello. For $10,000, who shot-

Owner: (mouth full) Aaron Burr!

Radio Announcer: (on phone) Excuse me?

Owner: (mouth full) Aaron Burr. Oh, hold on, let me drink the milk.

(He takes a milk carton to pour it in his glass, but very little comes out)

Owner: (mouth full) NO!!!

Radio Announcer: (on phone) I'm sorry. Maybe next time.

(The call ends, and the dial tone is heard. The owner starts sobbing)

Owner: (mouth full) Aaron Burr...

(It fades to the slogan, which is spoken softly)

NC: My God, is that brilliant! By far, the greatest "Got Milk?" commercial and probably one of the greatest commercials of all time! I mean, it's absolutely genius! Who the hell directed that?

(The Wikipedia page of the campaign is shown, and it zooms on the name...Michael Bay)

NC: (shocked) No.

(It zooms on Bay's name even more)

NC: No. (facepalms in disappointment)

Voice: That's right, Critic!

(Michael Bay (Doug) is shown)

Bay: Your Bay [bae].

NC: (mumbles) Christ, you directed this masterpiece?!

Bay: Oh, sure! But I don't really see it as a masterpiece.

NC: How can't you? It's one of the most famous commercials of all time.

Bay: Yeah, but that was the old Bay. The one that still put out quality and new things. (NC sighs) Today's Bay would just do the usual shit. In fact, in honor of its 24th anniversary...

NC: Very random number...

Bay: ...I've re-shot the commercial to reflect my current style!

NC: You didn't.

Bay: I did.

NC: You broke what wasn't broken.

Bay: I prefer "blew up," but both work. Take a look!

(Bay's "commercial" is shown. In an orange-filtered warehouse, we are shown Malcolm Ray liting a bar up and down as small explosions appear in front of him and Sam Witwicky's rapid-fire "No"s are heard on the radio)

Tamara: (on radio) That was "Annoying Boy Says "No-No-No-No-No" for Two Hours". And now, for today's sexy question, (Malcolm puts the bar down and gets up) who was responsible for writing The Legend of King Arthur?

(As the phone is ringing to a dramatic music, Malcolm starts having "flashbacks" which include a spaceman, Egyptian pyramids, 501st Combat Support Wing, Vietnam soldiers, a jet plane, a female mannequin (it even focuses on breasts), the army saluting, an alien, the burning Statue of Liberty, and Red Fraggle. Finally, he takes the phone and answers it)

Malcolm: I know the answer. It was Transformers covering up a drunk Merlin.

Tamara: (on phone) Oh, that's so correct. You win...

(Tamara shows up in person wearing a blond wig and a very short sparkling red dress)

Tamara: ...me.

Malcolm: (smiles) Mmmm...

Tamara: Now, I'll shower in milk against a blazing sunset in slow-mo.

(She does exactly just that)

Malcolm: Got milk?

Tamara: No. But you will.

(She shows her breasts, which shoot explosions)

Malcolm: Give me a sec. Let me drink a Bud Light.

(Optimus Prime runs across the warehouse)

Optimus (voiced by Doug): Bud Light is awesome.

(The caption "Got Bud Light?" is shown against the pouring milk. Cut back to Bay and NC)

Bay: So?

NC: Not only did that make no sense, but you let a product placement get in the way of another product placement!

Bay: Oh, you're too kind.

NC: I'm just gonna pretend, in a parallel universe, you're listening to me.

Bay: I've been getting that a lot lately.

(The ending of the first "Got Milk?" commercial is shown again)

NC (vo): Well, even though times change, great commercials always last.

Owner: (mouth full) Aaron Burr...

(Fade to the slogan)

Announcer: Got Milk?

(And the slogan blows up)

Zellers (with Batman)
(TV static transition to: Zellers commercial)

(In a 60s-stylized animation, Batman and Robin run to the Batmoble as the alarm goes off)

Batcave Announcer: Attention, attention! Family thinks high toy price is a joke!

NC: (trying to act concerned) Oh, no!

NC (vo): This was an ad for a department store called Zellers, and while it's cool to get Batman and Robin in there, the way they're represented is kind of odd.

Batcave Announcer:  Attention, attention! Family thinks high toy price is a joke!

NC: Okay, I don't know why the Batcave has an announcer, but he does not sound very excited to be that announcer!

NC (vo): I would be ecstatic if Batman picked me for that job, you un enthusiastict dick!

Batman: Drop your punchline, Joker!

(The Joker runs away while laughing and wiggling his head, arms and legs)

NC: Whoa, I know the Joker is supposed to be excitable, but...

NC (vo): ...hummingbirds made out of Jello don't move like that!

Batman: Drop your punchline, Joker!

NC (vo; as the Joker): Too late, Batman, I'm all cartilage!

(Batman and Robin show up at family's house)

Batman: Listen, folks, only at Zellers are you protected by...

NC: And what's up with Batman's voice?

NC (vo): It sounds more like his grandpa on 1920's radio.

Batman: Drop your punchline, Joker!

NC: (as Batman, sticks up the index finger) He's pulling a 22 skidoo!

Batman:  Only at Zellers are you protected by...

(Robin takes out a small chalkboard with "The Law of Toyland": "If you find a lower, current Canadian advertised price on a toy Zellers has in stock, bring the ad and we'll gladly beat their price!")

Robin: The law of Toyland! Nobody beats Zellers prices on toys. Nobody!

NC: Yeah, that's great, is this crime really Batman or Joker-worthy?

NC (vo): I feel like this was at the lower end of anarchy and chaos.

Robin (vo): Hot Wheels are just a $1.77 each.

(The scene when the Joker is running away is shown again)

NC: (as the Joker) Next, I'll tell them that Walmart's prices are suitable at best. SUITABLE!!

NC (vo): Their weird-ass Ren & Stimpy animation close-out what was already a surreal bat-experience.

(The slogan is shown: "Because...the lowest price is the law")

Batman (vo): You're protected at Zellers because the lowest price is the law.

(The Joker breaks his back after running away from the spotlight)

NC (vo; as the Joker):  Oh, my imaginary spine I don't have!

(As Batman and Robin drive off, the 60s transition pops up)

NC (vo): Odd to say the least, but still contains a lot of energy for a few yucks.

Robin: Holy one-liner, Batman!

NC: (as the Batcave announcer) What? It's Zellers. Robin ain't bringing his A-material to this!

Purr-tenders
(TV static transition to: Purr-tenders commercial)

(The ad starts at the Pick-a-Dilly Pet Shop, where five cats are shown looking out the window)

Female Announcer: Meet the Purr-tenders.

NC (vo): Here's a cute idea.

NC: ...I think. Honestly, it's kinda weird.

NC (vo): They're the Purr-tenders, cats that can't get adopted, so they disguise themselves as other animals. You know, because a toucan and a duck have a better chance of getting bought than a cat!

NC: Hey, we have to work with this dumbass pun; this is the best we could do with it!

NC (vo): Brilliant, isn't it? Just your basic-ass doll you can get anywhere, but throw a two-cent mask on him, and suddenly there's a great big story!

Girl in commercial: (cuddling a Purr-tender disguised as a rabbit) You're the best bunny ever. (the Purr-tender purrs like a cat, surprising the girl) Purr? (removes rabbit mask) You're not a bunny, you're a cat!

NC: (as cat) I was blacklisted during the McCarthy era. They'll only buy scripts from me if they think I'm a bunny.

Another girl in commercial: (cuddling what she thinks is a mouse) You're such a cute mouse. (again, this Purr-tender purrs and she pulls off the mouse mask) Hey, you're a cat!

NC: How dumb are you? A mouse?! It's a cat – they eat mice!

NC (vo): This was such a weak-ass idea...

(Cut to a commercial for Burger King showing the Purr-tenders as toys coming with the kids' meal)

NC (vo): ...they had to downplay their toy appearance in Burger King meals.

Female Announcer: What do you think it could be?

(One girl is excitedly shaking her bag up and down, while another is hugging her bag tightly)

Boy: (his words are subtitled) It might be a linguine.

NC: Linguine. Yeah, Purr-tenders would be impressive if you thought you were getting linguine.

Girl #1: (words also subtitled) Bucket of rainbows.

Girl #2: Yeah!

NC: ...Were you dropped?

Boy: Fireflies.

(One of the girls takes something out of her bag)

Female Announcer: It's the Purr-tenders, four fun cats who pretend to be a dog, a duck, a mouse and a bunny.

NC: Honestly, I prefer the linguine.

Girl #1: Bucket of rainbows.

NC: (confounded) What are you on??

NC (vo): A little too complicated for my taste, but I guess it's adorable enough.

Purr-tender: Don't tell, okay?

Girl: (whispering) Don't worry, it'll be our secret.

Announcer: The Purr-tenders from Fisher-Price. Each sold separately.

NC (vo): (softly) Bucket of rainbows? What the hell?

Eliminator TS-7
(TV static transition to: Eliminator TS-7 commercial)

(We are shown a man standing on top of the mountain in black space and smoke blowing in the background. The man is showing off his chest, wears a helmet and holds a toy gun)

Eliminator: I am the Eliminator.

NC (vo): You know sweaty muscles in front of dry ice can sell idiots anything?

(Cut to Michael Bay again)

Bay: Oh, trust me, I know!

NC (vo): Check out this ad for an unimpressive toy called the Eliminator.

Eliminator: I will use seven of those army weapons all at once.

(He raises the Eliminator gun, and lightning strikes into it. The numbered components of the gun are then shown)

Eliminator (vo): The Power Dagger.

NC: A plastic knife that doesn't cut. Hyped.

Eliminator (vo): The Power Sword.

NC: That is literally the same thing.

Eliminator (vo): The Laser Sword.

NC: I think (A photo of an enthusiastic woman is shown) your sister in college would get better use out of that than you.

Eliminator (vo): The Army Machine Gun. (It's shown than when you "shoot" from it, it just flashes light)

NC: Yeah, I have one of those, too! (grabs a flashlight) It's called a flashlight! (flashes it to the camera) I-I-It's a flashlight!

Eliminator (vo): The Bayonet Machine Gun. (Same thing, only bigger and brighter)

NC: Again, a flashlight! (continues flashing)

Eliminator (vo): The Cyber Gun. (It's a pretty phallic-looking one)

NC: I think I'm putting together who this toy was intended for. (The Cyber Gun screenshot and the enthusiastic woman photo are shown back-to-back)

(And the seventh weapon is all six guns combined)

Eliminator (vo): Alone, they're incredible. But together, they're unstoppable!

NC: You didn't even name "7". "7" was complimenting yourself!

Eliminator (vo): Together, they're unstoppable!

NC: (as the Eliminator, monotone) Alone, they're cheap Taiwan plastic.

NC (vo): What other weak-ass weapons are on that thing?

(As NC imitates the Eliminator (voice echoing), the items listed below are shown)

NC (vo; as the Eliminator): The whisk! The ice cream scoop! The electric toothbrush! And the thing the father tried to sell in Gremlins! Cooooool!

(The toy in action is shown again as the background singers are scatting)

NC (vo): A little funny for its cheesiness, but still a lame-ass toy.

Eliminator (vo): Eliminator TS-7! Seven army weapons from Toy Biz Sells! Batteries not included.

NC (vo; as the Eliminator): If you can't find it, it's because it's also your mom's dildoooo!

Warburtons (with the Muppets)
(TV static transition to: Warburtons commercial)

(The commercial starts at the Warburtons factory. We are shown the company's chairman, Jonathan Warburton, at his office)

Secretary: Mr. Warburton, there's a Mr. The Frog here to see you.

(And, what do you know, Kermit the Frog comes up to Warburton and sits beside him)

Kermit: Mr. Warburton...

NC (vo): Okay, I know the Muppets...

NC: ...have had their ups and downs in the past, but what the hell are they doing here?

Kermit: Is it true you're bringing out a giant crumpet?

Warburton: Yes, but...

Kermit: (slams hand on table) Well, sir, you have given me a fantastic idea for a Muppet extravaganza!

NC: A giant crumpet? That's giving you the idea for a Muppet extravaganza?

(The Giant Crumpet Show starts with curtain pulling up, revealing the Muppets working at the factory and singing to the theme tune of The Muppet Show)

NC (vo): I ain't kidding. Look at the size of this production.

Sam Eagle: (singing, pointing at the crumpet analysis chart) They're thick and super fluffy...

Rowlf the Dog: (singing, drying himself with a dryer) Ooh, I know what that feels like!

Kermit: (singing, sitting on window of a firehouse along with the other Muppets) It's time to get them toasted...

Muppets: (singing) On the most sensational...

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. It's impressive, funny, and the Muppets are great, but...

NC: ...It's freaking crumpets!

NC (vo): So it rhymes with "Muppet". Great. It's still just a goddamn British pastry! It really doesn't deserve this much attention!

NC: Imagine there was a product called Hump-It Condoms! Would they be like...

(The "Hump-It Condoms Show" sign is shown, with Kermit talking out of an "O" letter)

Kermit: (overdubbed by NC) Our show bombed, (The poster for the 2015 ABC show The Muppets is shown) and so now we're doing this! Yaaaaay! (The curtain pulls up)

NC (vo): Some of it even seems out of character. Like, there's a friggin' Muppet death on screen. Watch!

Pepe the King Prawn: (singing, holding the bag of crumpets) They're bigger than my grandma...

Bean Bunny: (singing, also holding the bag) They taste so heavenlyyyyy...

(He is then taken and eaten by Big Mean Carl, along with the crumpets)

Sweetums: (singing) I don't know why they're called...

NC: (horrified) Oh, my God!

NC (vo): It's not like a safe falls on him real quick, no, you see that thing struggle while being devoured! It's kinda gruesome!

Bean Bunny: (singing) They taste so heavenlyyyyy... (is eaten)

NC (vo; as Bean Bunny): Oh, God, no! I'm the last of my kind! Oh, sweet Jesus, that's where Skeeter went!

(Dr. Teeth, Rizzo the Rat, Scooter, two chickens and Animal (the latter eating whipped cream) are shown in a cab of a truck)

Muppets: (singing) It’s time to hit the Arndale...

NC (vo): It even ends on...well, kind of a raunchy note.

(The Muppets all expect Jonathan Warburton to end their song, but he doesn't appear)

Kermit: No! (on walkie-talkie, whimpering) Where's Mr. Warbur-

(He is cut off by Miss Piggy at her dressing room. She is sitting on Warburton's knees)

Miss Piggy: So, is it true you're the world's biggest supplier of...crumpets? (tightens Warburton's tie)

NC: Okay, I do not want to think of Miss Piggy's sexual assaults!

NC (vo): Just because you're a woman and a... pig... doesn't make it any less Harvey Weinstein-ish!

NC: Do Pigs in Space, not Pigs in Jail!

NC (vo): Again, the commercial's fine, I guess, but...why throw this much money into a lavish production for British crumpets? Have things really gotten that bad for the Muppets?

(We are shown a sketch where Kermit (voiced by Doug) shouts at the phone, with an empty bottle of beer on the desk)

Kermit: Crumpets? Goddamn crumpets? Are you shitting me?! We're the friggin' Muppets, not Teletubbies!

Voice from phone (Malcolm): I think if you consider...

Kermit: No! (slams fist on desk) No! My grandfather was an old Jewish sock, and he came to this country to uphold our The Frog name! You don't give me better deals, you're letting a generation of fabric down!

Voice: Look, if you just think about it...

Kermit: Oh, I see. You want me to think about it? Well, think about this, Larry: my banjo rainbow-connecting to what's left of your BALLS! NO CRUMPETS! (hangs up angrily, lays head on desk) Nancy?

(Kermit's secretary, Nancy, played by Tamara, enters)

Nancy: Yes, Mr. F?

Kermit: Could you run down to Binny's and give me another six-pack of Hopping Frog Beer?

Nancy: Don't you think you've had enough, Mr. F?

Kermit: I'll tell you when I've HAD ENOUGH!!

(He throws the empty bottle at Nancy. It hits her forehead, angering her)

Nancy: Oh! You washed-up bastard! (slams the door)

Kermit: (sighs in despair) When did the rainbow fade?

(And the sketch ends on Kermit lying on the desk solemnly with sad music playing. NC is confused by this)

NC: Wow. I got really depressing on that one, didn't I? (Beat) Well, here's hopefully a more chipper commercial to make you feel better.

(We go to commercial. When it ends, we cut back to NC, still wistful)

NC: You were still thinking about Kermit, weren't you? So was I.

RSPCA PSA
(TV static transition to: RSPCA PSA commercial)

(A dog is shown sitting in an empty room as a somber version of "How Much is That Doggie in the Window" is heard)

NC (vo): Okay, here's something more chipper: a delightful little doggy.

(The camera slowly moves closer to the dog as NC begins to be moved at its cuteness and speaking baby-talk)

NC: Aw! Aren't you the cutest little thing?

NC (vo): Oh, my God! You're the most adorable little guy. Oh, yes, you are!

NC: (chuckles) You're...so adorable, they're just kind of keeping the...

NC (vo): ...camera on you, aren't they? Yeah, just, uh...

NC: Not really saying anything, not hearing any announcers...guess they're just banking on your cuteness. Okay. I can go with that. (continues speaking baby-talk at the dog) You're the cutest little guy! You're the most adorable little thing in the world! Oh, yes, you are! Oh, yes, you...

(As the camera moves close to the dog, suddenly, a human hand holding a gun appears and aims the gun at the dog. This immediately shocks NC to no end, as he moves backwards on the couch in total shock)

NC: Oh, Christ! Oh, shit! Holy...whoa! Whoa! What the hell?! What the hell?! What?! What?! What?! Wha-ha...?!

Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.

(The RSPCA logo is shown, ending the PSA. NC sits back down normally on the couch, stunned beyond all belief)

NC: What in fluffy shit was that?!

NC (vo): Is this a terrorist hostage video for PetSmart?

NC: (stammers) What was this even for?!

(The logo is shown again)

NC (vo): RSPCA?

NC: Let me look that up. (brings out his phone and looks up the RSPCA website, reading what it's about) "An animal welfare charity in Britain..." (suddenly gets angry) OH, OF COURSE!! When you're doing crumpets...

(The Muppets' Warburtons commercial is shown briefly)

NC (vo): ...you're all Muppets and dancing!

NC: But when you're doing PSAs...

(The PSA's shot of the gun pointing at the dog's head is shown again)

NC (vo): ...YOU'RE KILLING DOGS!

NC: NEW CANADA!!

NC (vo): Just listen to the wording they use in this.

Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.

NC (vo): Are they trying to get across the message that if you give them the money, they'll be able to stop cruelty to animals? Was that what they were trying to get across?

(Cut to a clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990), showing April O'Neil and Casey Jones arguing)

April (Judith Hoag): Well, you failed miserably!

NC: Yeah! It doesn't come across that way at all! They literally say "Give us a pound, or we'll pull the trigger!"

NC (vo): I would think this is a gritty reboot of Cats &amp; Dogs directed by Christopher Nolan!

NC: They don't even say what RSPCA stands for! Well, in my mind, it stands for...

(The RSPCA logo is shown with NC's caption added to it)

NC (vo): ...Really Shitty Puppy Crucifying Assholes!

NC: This got such a negative backlash that they cut down the PSA...

(Footage of the edited PSA is shown, showing the dog in an empty room while adding captions for how many pounds the dog costs)

NC (vo): ...and had a kid sing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window" while answering how much a dog really does cost. (Cut back to the original PSA, showing the gun aiming at the dog's head) Yeah. Don't forget to include the funeral, you sick shits!

NC: In fact, that ironically contradicts the last one they did!

NC (vo): Where this one [the edited PSA] says "Don't spend the cash if you can't afford it", the other one [the real PSA] says, "Give us the cash or you'll see Benji's brains!"

NC: Okay, I'm done with this one. It's horrible, it doesn't get the point across, it's just disturbing. Please show me a different one to watch.

Pound Puppies
(TV static transition to: Pound Puppies commercial)

(We are shown a boy and a girl looking at a bunch of plush toys in a "Puppy Pound")

Boy: Those lonely Pound Puppies really need a...

NC: Oh, don't show me that! (groans)

(A boy and a girl bring the puppy toys to their house)

Kid Singers: Pound Puppy, I'm so glad to find you, / Put that lonely puppy pound behind you...

NC: Okay, come on, come on, maybe I won't think of the PSA.

NC (vo): Pound Puppies. Pound. (Cut back to RSPCA PSA) " Give us a pound, or we'll pull the trigger"...

NC: I'm sorry, you're cute, but I need time!  (takes a remote and changes channel)

Mickey Mouse Talking Phone
(TV static transition to: Mickey Mouse Talking Phone commercial)

Announcer: It's the Mickey Mouse Talking Phone.

NC (vo): Ah, the Mickey Mouse phone. I think a lot of kids had this.

Girl: (on phone) Mickey, come over for a party! (sounds like "potty")

NC (vo): Kid, you are way too young to be into Mickey Mouse watching you potty.

NC: (perplexed) Also, you sound relatively disinterested in it.

Girl: Mickey, come over for a party!

(Another Mickey Mouse Talking Phone commercial is shown, showing another girl dialing the phone)

NC (vo): To be fair, it's better than this obviously confused kid.

Girl: Sorry, wrong number. (hangs up phone)

NC: Who says that to a character phone?

NC (vo): That's like playing Mario Bros. and saying...

NC: (playing the game with a disinterested look on his face) This has nothing to do with plumbing. (drops controller and shrugs)

(Still another commercial is shown, this one showing a boy calling a character)

Background singer: I can have a talk with Mickey Mouse / From anywhere inside my house...

Mickey Mouse: (on phone, distorted) Hi! This is Mickey Mouse! (the boy giggles)

NC: (nodding) That was Mickey Mouse, huh?

NC (vo): Sounds more like a drunken old lady shouting obscenities.

Mickey Mouse: (on phone, distorted) Hi! This is Mickey Mouse! (the boy giggles)

NC (vo): Don't laugh at her, it only makes her drink more!

(In the commercial, a little girl is seen dialing up Snow White)

Background singer: Call her up, on the line...

Snow White: (on phone, distorted) Hello. (girl covers her mouth in surprise) I'm Snow White.

NC (vo): (as Snow White) Okay, I sound nothing like Snow White, but I'm...

NC: (shakes head) ...a woman. That should fool you at this age.

Girl: I love you, Snow White!

Background singer: When I dial my favorite friends / Donald Duck's on the other end...

Donald Duck: (on phone, heavily distorted) This is Donald Duck! (sounds like "This is Donald, this is!")

NC: That was one of the Martians from Mars Attacks.

(Donald's voice on the phone in the commercial is shown again, accompanied by a shot of the Martians in Mars Attacks speaking, in a similar way that Donald does)

NC: (holds up three fingers) Three out of three wrong! That's pretty impressive.

NC (vo): Let's be honest, this product would be a lot more fun if they brought in even more interesting Disney characters. I think there's a good variety you can choose from.

(A boy and a girl, played by Malcolm and Tamara (the latter holding a Sonic doll), are seen listening in a phone)

High-pitched voice on phone (Doug): Hello, this is Bambi! My mother and I are–

(Suddenly, a gunshot is heard; Bambi screams at this, as Malcolm and Tamara look shocked and upset; Malcolm pushes a button on the phone)

Deep, menacing voice on phone (Rob): Hello, this is Judge Frollo. My sexual lust for gypsy girls half my age burns like Hell's fire–

(A nervous-looking Malcolm and Tamara push another button on the phone)

Black-sounding voice on phone (Malcolm): Hello! We're the cast from Song of the South!

(Malcolm and Tamara look disgusted and the former slams the phone down; cut back to the actual commercial)

NC (vo): Still a neat idea for a toy, just not advertised very well.

Announcer: Talks to six different Disney pals on the Mickey Mouse Talking Phone. Batteries not included. From Hasbro Preschool.

(Cut back to Malcolm and Tamara talking on the phone)

Excited-sounding voice on phone (Malcolm): Hello! We the crows from Dumbo!

(Malcolm angrily slams the phone down again, then smashes the phone with a sledgehammer, startling Tamara, who looks on in worry)

Tiger Electronics
(TV static transition to: Tiger Electronics commercial)

(A teenage boy is standing in front of an arcade. This is shown on a portable handheld console, which then turns to normal. The same boy is shown playing games on it with excitement, twirling and moving around the backyard very fast via jump cuts)

Announcer: Tiger puts arcade action (The caption flashes...) in the palm of your hand.

NC: (chuckling) I think that's a lie!

Announcer: Games like Mega Man 2! Fight your way through eight stages of play as you attempt to defeat the villainous Dr. Wily.

NC: (eager, imitating pressing buttons) Wow! What is this? One whole bit?

Announcer: Games like Double Dragon II! Billy Lee returns as you use your incredible ninja acrobatics.

NC: Yeah, what acrobats are those?

NC (vo): Extending one arm and one leg while your dick magically disappears? EXTREME! Look at this. It's so lame they had to focus on the kid's moving around, because there's no excitement in the game itself. If you saw any kid moving like this while playing a Tiger game, you'd think he was having an epileptic episode!

Announcer: Defeat the ultimate villain, the Black Shadow Boss.

(The commercial for Fighting Golf game is shown)

NC (vo): The kid's so jacked up, he gets excited about golf. Yeah, there's friggin' golf!

NC: But not just any golf!

(The full title of the arcade game is followed)

NC (vo): Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf!

NC: So you know they mean the real shit!

Announcer: Choose between two levels of difficulty as you select your own golf clubs, control the strength of your swing and the direction of the ball.

NC: I'm already asleep hearing these exciting selections...

NC (vo): ...and this kid's hopping all over the place!

Announcer: Video excitement in the palm of your hand.

NC: (looking aside, speaking sarcastically) Yeah, that looks like a kid playing handheld golf over there.

Announcer: Also available: Batman, After Burner, Super Sprint and Simon's Quest.

NC: Piss on those games! This kid has...

NC (vo): ...Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf!

NC: And, yes. (folds arms proudly) Your jealousy arouses me.

Announcer: ...as you complete 18 holes of championship golf.

NC (vo): Dumb ad for a dumb product. Nothing much to it.

Announcer: Tiger Ltd video games! Video excitement in the palm of your hand.

(The commercial ends like a television having been turned off)

Balzac
(TV static transition to: Balzac commercial)

(Cut to a black man in a costume of a green balloon rapping, four cheerleaders are dancing in an orange background)

Balzac Man: (rapping) Turn up the fun with Balzac!

NC: Oh, boy. (massages his forehead)

(As the rap continues, we cut to children playing with the Balzac ball outside)

Balzac Man: (rapping) Put the Balzac balloon in a sack, / Blow it up, now give it a whack!

NC: (covering face with a hand, snickering) What?..

Balzac Man: (rapping) Turn up the fun with Balzac! Hit it!

(The Balzac Man is shown drinking water from a fire hydrant)

NC: Hey, look.

NC (vo): "Ballsack" sucked off a fire hydrant.

NC: (shakes head) That's too crazy for even me to make a joke about it.

NC (vo): I don't think this could get more abstractly perverted-

(The Balzac Man is now rapping with a little kid in the checkered balloon costume)

NC (vo): Oh. Spoke too soon.

Balzac Man: (rapping) Here's my little buddy, the Balzac Brat!

Balzac Brat: (rapping) Us two Balzacs are where it's... (They high-five each other) ...at!

NC: Did he say "Ice Cube ballsacks are where it's at"?

Balzac Brat: (rapping) Us two Balzacs are where it's... (high-five) ...at!

(A clip from the movie Friday (1995) is shown)

Craig Jones (Ice Cube): Bye, Felicia.

NC (vo): Okay, you know what? These commercials are innocent enough. I shouldn't read too many innuendos into 'em.

NC: It's immature and it's been done to death. I should really just grow the hell up. So, let's move on to the next one.

Ball Buster
(TV static transition to: Ball Buster commercial)

(The 1970s family is shown playing the game at table as the Dixieland version of Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer" is heard. Each piece of the game consists of a plastic ball mounted on a long springy stem, which in turn is mounted on a peg which fits into holes in the board)

Announcer: The name of the game is Ball Buster.

(NC just stares, giving a low sigh)

Announcer: It's a family game. Fun for children... And for adults, it's exciting.

NC: (facepalms in irritation) Oh, come on.

Announcer: You make stragetic, offensive and defensive moves, then try to bust your opponent's balls.

NC:  (lowers his head) Oh, come on!

Announcer: It's as easy as checkers...

NC: (head still down) Except Kevin Spacey likes to play this one more.

Announcer: ...but exacting like pool.

Father: (to the mother) You're a ball-buster!

(The mother turns her head and winks at the camera)

NC: (poker-faced) You know what you're doing. I know what that wink means. You know what you're doing.

Announcer: Ball Buster.

NC: You know, it'd be easier to get through if the narrator didn't salivate every time he talked about it.

Announcer:  Ball Buster. / A nd for adults, it's exciting. / T ry to bust your opponent's balls.

NC: (shivers in disgust) I think I can hear his tongue on that one!

Announcer: A great new game from Mego.

NC: You know what, though? I think I did okay. Yeah, every year, there's always a commercial like this with heavy sexual innuendos, and you know what? I think I stayed pretty mature.

NC (vo): I'm patting myself on the back this year. I'm patting myself on the back.

(NC pats himself on his back)

NC: I'm a bigger person than I thought.

Super Soaker Oozinator
(TV static transition to: Super Soaker Oozinator commercial)

(A teenage boy is shown spraying liquid on little boys playfully from the green-colored toy named Oozinator)

Announcer: What do you call the new water and ooze-blastin' Oozinator?

NC: Nope! No! (just flat out leaves) Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Boy 1: (while being sprayed) Oh, yuck!

Boy 2: Bleah!

NC: (offscreen) Oh, my GOD!!

Boy 3: Gross!

Boy 4: Ew!

Boy 5: Disgusting!

Announcer: And, of course...

Teenage Boy: Awesome!

Announcer: The new Oozinator blaster from Super Soaker!

NC: (sits back on the couch) No. No. I am not saying a thing. I am NOT. Saying. A thing! You hear me? Not a goddamn word! (Beat) But you think way too highly of me if you think I'm not gonna re-edit this in a humorous way!

(The commercial is shown again, but in a slow-mo and to a sensual music in the background)

NC: (pulling off "my hands are clean" gesture) Not saying a thing. Not saying a thing.

(It continues playing)

NC: ("zipping mouth shut") Oh, it's shut. Not saying a thing.

(As the sensual music continues and the Oozinator commercial plays out, we cut to...)

Singer: You, your kids and your Johnson...

Fisherman 1: The Wunder Boner!

Fisherman 2: My wife would like that.

NC: There. Not a word. Final verdict? Oozinator is a fine commercial. It just has the misfortune of coming across the wrong way. (realizes what he said) I mean...DAMMIT!

Announcer: Oozinator blaster from Super Soaker!

NC (vo): Oh, cut away, you Green Goblin dick!

Pole Position for Atari
(TV static transition to: Pole Position for Atari commercial)

(A typical family is shown at their typical car driving in a typical neighborhood)

NC: (chuckles) Oh, my God. This Atari commercial is amazing. I really mean, amazing!

NC (vo): It's actually so good, it's hard to believe it's real.

Announcer: HEEEEYYYY!!

(The family turns to the camera)

Biff: Yes?

Announcer: You look like a real jerk!

NC: I already believe every commercial should start off that way.

Announcer: So what'cha doin'?!

Biff: Well, Muffy, Buffy, Biff Jr. and I are going on our Sunday drive.

Announcer: Oh, no, you ain't! You're gonna play Pole Position!!

(A blue racecar drives by. After that, the family car is taken by a giant hand! It shakes the car, and all of the family members fall down into separate racecars. Throughout all of this, NC is super excited)

NC: What?! Whoa-ho! What?! Whoa-ho! What?! Whoa-ho! What?! Whoa-ho! What?! Whoa-ho! What?! Whoa-ho!

(And the race starts!)

Buffy: Oh, my, dear! Oh, God!

(The hand then drops the family car, and it EXPLODES upon hitting the road!)

NC: YEEEEEAH!!! I will totally buy this game, even though I haven't seen any footage of it! YEEEEEAH!!!

NC (vo): What even is it? Pole Position?

NC: (smiling) Sure! It's bought!

(The footage of the game in question is shown briefly)

NC (vo): Actually, it looks really crappy.

NC: I don't care! It's bought!

(One of the racecars crashes into the road sign with the words "Pole Position" on it, and after the racecar blows up, the sign changes to Atari logo)

NC (vo): I have no idea why an explosion changed the logo on that sign, and I don't care!

NC: POLE POSITION!

Singers: Pooooole... Pole, Pooole... Pole Position!

NC: (singing to the tune to "Danger Zone") Highway through pole position!

Singers: Pole, Pooole... Pole Position!

(Buffy, wearing a pair of pretty strange-looking glasses, screams in terror as her racecar drives along the track at high speed. Cut to a clip from Mad Max: Fury Road)

Nux (Nicholas Hoult): Oh, what a day! WHAT A LOVELY DAY!

Announcer: Pole Position from Atari! It'll bust your crank and leave skid marks on your soul!

(The family is shown all burned up and shivering in a way that screams "What the hell just happened?!")

Singers: Pole Position!

NC: (sighs in pure joy) Oh, my God, that was amazing. That was so amazing!

NC (vo): It's like Suburban Commando if it was... (A man dressed in post-apocalyptic attire is shown) suburban commando! It's just phenomenal! The comedy, the energy, the over-the-top 80s of it all, it's pure perfection!

NC: And I think at the heart of it is that guy! That punk-ass narrator! He is just so aggressively... random!

NC (vo): He calls this dude a jerk, and then he rewards him! And he's so hostile to this quiet, non-threatening family! I have no idea what this guy would do in everyday situations!

NC: All I can say is, I want to see this guy's style of madness in every commercial!

(A sketch is shown, showing Malcolm, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz and Barney Walker in classy outfits. On the whiteboard in the background, a caption "Welcome, the Smith-Hayden-Jones-Fukome-Al Sayed-Guadalupe-Von Slamkowski-Macduggel-嗝太 Family" is written)

Announcer (Doug): HEEEEYYY!! You look like real jerks! (to Rob) So what'cha doin'?!

Rob: Oh, well, we're going to a family reunion...

Announcer: Shut up! You're fightin' dinosaurs now!

(Rob pops out from the room to a...desert, confronted by the roaring Tyrannosaurus Rex! He lets out three high-pitched screams before we cut back)

Announcer: (to Malcolm) Hey, jerk! What'cha doin'?!

Malcolm: I got sweet potato yams made from potato...

Announcer: Shut up! You're goin' up against... ki...killer skeletons!

(And Malcolm pops out the room to see a skeleton wielding a sword. He screams and runs away in fear, throwing away the dish. We cut back again)

Announcer: (to Jim) Hey, jerk! What'cha doin'?!!

Jim: Well, I have got, uh...

Announcer: Shut up! You're... (stutters) in a volcano!

(Jim pops out and is inside a volcano, sinking into lava! Barney is the only one left)

Announcer: Hey, JERK!

Barney: Um...

Announcer: SHUT UP! Space!

(And Barney is now floating in outer space and suffocating. We cut to a cheerful Tamara at a kitchen wearing an apron and holding two plates with pies on them)

Announcer: HEY, JERK! What'cha doin'?!?!?

Tamara: Oh, I just made pie.

Announcer: (speaks in a less aggressive tone) ...Actually, it sounds really nice.

Tamara: It's apple pie.

Announcer: That's my favorite.

Tamara: Would you like a slice?

Announcer: Please.

(Tamara gives the pie to the announcer, and he eats it)

Announcer: That's delicious.

Tamara: Oh, thank you! You know, the secret ingredients...

Announcer: Not to bring down the mood, but I think I killed your entire family.

Tamara: (frowns) ...What?

Announcer: Yeah.

(Rob, Malcolm, Jim and Barney's outcomes are shown as the announcer describes them tearfully)

Announcer: I gave one to a T-Rex, a skeleton killed another, one of them melted, another's in space, (The RSPCA PSA is shown briefly) I killed your dog...

(Cut back to Tamara, who is confused and shocked)

Announcer: Pretty much everything you cherished is gone!

Tamara: Well, I...

Announcer: I'm sorry! I get carried away sometimes!

Tamara: I... I...

(Both of them start sobbing)

Announcer: But, hey! Have you ever played Atari Pole Position?

Tamara: No.

Announcer: It's a lot of fun. You should try it.

Tamara: Okay. (continues crying)

Announcer: Okay. Well, I'm gonna go away and be a voice. You have really nice pie. Sorry I killed your family.

Tamara: Okay... (puts her plate down) I'll check out Atari Pole Position...

Announcer: It's really good.

(Jump cut to the cover for Pole Position with heavy metal playing in the background and the caption "NOW AVAILABLE! (Does not come with family-killing voice)" shown on the right. NC is even more horrified than after the Kermit sketch)

NC: Wow. Again, I went really dark on that one. Really dark. (Dead silence) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... I don't know why I look forward to this every year. (gets up and leaves) I think I'm sick. Really sick. Yeaaaah.

(We go to the credits. After them, we are shown an outtake of a Kermit sketch)

Doug: (voicing and operating Kermit) Goddamn crumpets? Are you shitting me?! We're the friggin' Muppets, not Teletubbies! (Kermit's head then hits the empty bottle of beer, it rolls and falls on the floor) No! No! My grandpa- (hits on the phone rapidly) Noooo! (Everyone in the room laughs)

Channel Awesome tagline - Ball Buster Announcer: Try to bust your opponent's balls.