We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story

A series of title cards appear.

Title Card: ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com Presents

Title Card: A Nostalgia* Critic Production


 * Note: In the video, it is accidentally spelled Nostaglia

Clips of We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story play, in a fashion similar to that of the opening credits of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, with a rendition of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music playing in the background.

Title Card: "Anyone who doesn't know who Hunter S. Thompson is will probably hate this review" - Nostalgia Critic

Raoul: (voiceover) I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch. That's when the drugs started to take hold.

Clips of the movie continue in full color.

Raoul: (voiceover) The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I had ever experienced. Any never again will I return to that nasty realm.

A new character is shown, who looks like the Nostalgia Critic if he was dressed like Hunter S. Thompson.

Raoul: Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than THAT of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, Father of Fozzie Journalism. I've covered everything from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Where the Buffalo Roam. But today. Today, I'm here to talk to you about a very particular trip. A trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film that I wish never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that no human children should ever see. There is only one children's film that could have possibly brought out this horror in any manner. It is simply entitled We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story!

The logo of the film, and several more clips, are shown.

Raoul: (voiceover) Clearly, these writers and directors have bitten off far more ecstasy than they can chew because there is no horrid imagery or visual logic that could've been obtained from any reasonably sober human being. At least let's pray to God there isn't.

Raoul: That fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly no child should ever have to go through this horrid punishment. So, take the ticket. (Lights his cigarette holder) Ride the ride.

Raoul: So we start off with a pack of violent ingrates as they pick on the runt of the group, named ... something adorable I'm sure.

Birds: Mom, he's so adorable

Buster: Mom, don't do that. What am I, a chick?! Guess the writin's on the wall. It's time to leave the nest.

Raoul: This animal annoys me. He should be cast aside for more deserving character development.

Rex the dinosaur shows up in a large golf cart.

Raoul: Hmm. Now we're seeing a dinosaur playing golf. I am thoroughly confused.

Rex: Whoa, there little fella. Where’d you fall from?

Buster: No place! Just leave me alone!

Rex: What’s you’re name?

Buster: Buster. I’m going to run away…and join the circus!

Raoul (voiceover): The Bird seems rather unfazed that there’s a dinosaur playing golf, but I’m not. This needs to be explained.

Rex: I’m smart, Buster. I’m one smart dinosaur.

Raoul (voiceover): This isn’t working. I still like I’m stuck in a Far Side cartoon with no caption. Please explain the logistics of this awkward moment.

Rex: I wasn’t always.

Buster: You weren’t?

Rex: No. No siree. No, I started off stupid and violent.

Raoul: Clearly something you and this film have in common!

In a flashback, a little dinosaur is being chased by Rex. A odd looking flying machine appears and knocks into Rex.

Raoul (voiceover): So the dinosaur, voiced by John Goodman, tells the story about how he got to this questionable introduction. As it turns out, he use to live among the dinosaurs millions of years ago. He was savage as the creatures were until this futuristic monstrosity to knock some sense into him.

A little green man appears on screen.

Vorb: Here, before your very eyes…

Raoul: Mother of God, what is that?!

Vorb: Pick your poison, partner. You’re going to love this!

Raoul (voiceover): It looks like a cereal mascot that’s been shit out my Marvin the Martian.

Vorb: You, yes you, have been chosen to as a benefiter of free promotion campaign.

Raoul (voiceover): Oh and it has Jay Leno doing an obnoxious voice. Wonderful, because Jay Leno’s normal voice wasn’t obnoxious enough.

Vorb: …revolutionary product. You haven’t seen stuff like this before.

Raoul (voiceover): So the flying puss ball gives him some brain food. Literally. It’s a futuristic cereal that makes you smarter the more you eat it. This was invited by a person named Captain Neweyes, which I’m sure I’ll need after viewing this heinous work.

Neweyes: I live in the far future, where all the species and all the planets have learned to get along.

Raoul: Racism is gone. All hatred is abolished. And Fox News is now a candy store.

Raoul (voiceover): The voice of Captain Neweyes is done by Walter Cronkite, a journalist on the other end of the spectrum but we won’t hold that against him.

Neweyes: And that’s the way it is.

Raoul (voiceover): So the dinosaur, who is ingeniously named Rex, is brought in to see the other sodomized happy meal toys.

Rex: I was a real animal.

Elsa: We all have regrets.

Woog: The things I’ve stepped on.

Dweeb: We’ve evolved.

Raoul (voiceover): So we got a dinosaur on a spaceship that’s run by a dead news anchor and an annoying piece of alien droppings.

Raoul: This is sounding like one of those Calvin and Hobbes fantasies. Spaceman Spiff travels to an alien craft where dinosaurs get smarter from eating sugary cereal. Hey, if a five-year-old can think it up, it’s good for cinematic production.

Neweyes: It’s a wish radio.

Kid #1: I wish I could see one of those flying dinosaurs.

Kid #2: A Parasaurolophus.

Kid #3: I wish I could see more dinosaurs. Dinosaurs!

Raoul (voiceover): So the Neweyes fart tells them his goal is to use the time machine to travel back in time to grant all the wishes of children of the world.

Raoul: I would use it to stop 9/11. Unethical jackass.

Raoul (voiceover): I mean, the Kennedy assassin, the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are important compared to entertaining whinny little bastard children?

Raoul: Well, while you’re taking request, here’s a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don’t you grant him that wish, uh? Uh?!

Raoul (voiceover): But no, Neweyes sees it best to bring animals out of their natural environment and into an unknown world of fear and violence. I can’t see this going right at all.

Neweyes: Now there are two people down there you should know about. One person is there to help you. Her name is Dr. Julia Bleeb.

Bleeb: Welcome, welcome.

Raoul: She will be voiced by a man-woman chief, Julia Child. Let the randomness continue.

Neweyes: Now the other person you should know about is my brother, Professor Screweyes. He’s cruel, he’s insane.

Raoul: And apparently likes to laugh when birds are randomly flying around him. He’s kind of retarded that way.

Neweyes: Find Dr. Bleeb and stay well clear of my dark and unhappy brother. Beyond that…just try not to step on anybody.

Raoul: Why? You’re already raping the laws of space and time, what’s a few squashed innocent bystanders going to matter.

Raoul (voiceover): So he drops them off in the middle of the Hudson River. That was nice of him. Where they just so happen to come around a kid named Louie, on a raft, who is off to join the circus. They except us to buy a lot of this movie, don’t they.

Dweeb: Well, what are you?

Louie: I was a runaway to the circus, until you clowns snake me. Where you guys going anyway?

Rex: We’re going to the Museum of National History.

Louie: That’s perfect!

Raoul (voiceover): Kid, you’re on a raft with fucking dinosaurs! How about a little acknowledgement of this miracle, uh?!

Louie: Welcome to New York City.

Raoul (voiceover): But Rex turns into a drowning-saur was Louie manages to pick him up with some heavy machinery.

Louie saves Rex with a crane.

Raoul: How come kids always know how to operate those things?

Clips from the Power Rangers Movie and Last Action Hero are shown.

Raoul (voiceover): Power Rangers Movie, Last Action Hero, and now this. What the hell are they teaching our kids? Can’t they teach them more important things like how to shot a protester?

Rex: I owe you one, Louie.

Louie: These things happen.

Raoul (voiceover): Well, thank you for that pointless detour, movie. If one of the characters manages to get a splinter in his foot, then wiggles it out, please be sure to show that too.

Louie: Hey, you the bat. Can you fly?

Raoul (voiceover): So Louie takes a fly on the Pterodactyl hoping they can find some place they can hide. By the way, what’s with all the excessive eye shots? Do we really need to see the movie told from everybody’s cornea?

Raoul’s face is so close to the camera that it’s covering the whole screen.

Raoul: Would you like to see the whole entire movie told like this? I don’t think so.

Raoul (voiceover): While flying around, he comes across a girl named Cecilia, who loses her hat. So he tries to return it to her. This shouldn’t cause any misunderstandings at all.

Cecilia freaks out at seeing Louie showing up on a dinosaur and runs away.

Raoul: Well, that totally came out of left field.

Louie: You’re killing me, what’s the matter?

Cecilia: You see my father’s very business and my mother’s very social.

Raoul: Hello Lisa Simpson.

Raoul (voiceover): How distracting that your voice be coming out of that character.

Cecilia: It’s my parents.

Louie: What about your parents?

Cecilia: It’s Thanksgiving and they’re off doing other things.

Raoul (voiceover): So she explains how her parents are never around and how even on Thanksgiving they would leave her behind with no babysitter. Instead, they would just send her a picture of where they vacationed to. Wow, these people are whores.

'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.'''