The Kickassian War (Mockumentary)

This transcipt is not complete yet.

NOTE: This feature is meant to be a parody of Ken Burns' documentary series, The Civil War, ''with text and pictures meant to emulate the popular broadcast - practically each still is in black-and-white or one color tone. All the people featured here are not speaking on camera; they are all voice-overs and talk as if they are writing letters to their loved ones.'' We start with this opening caption, in the style mentioned above: "With Apologies / - to - / Ken Burns" (the / indicates a new line)

''Next we see THIS caption: "A CHANNEL AWESOME PRODUCTION". Ambient wind noises fade in. When this caption disappears, we fade in on a zoom-in of a silhouetted Civil War-era cannon at a skeletal wooden fence against a reddish sunset. We hear our first VO:''

LordKat (LK): Molossia: my desert nation, my trial, my hell, my test of patience. Doug sent us out to Molossia to train the faithful. One cannot go against the word of Doug. Mostly because I'm deathly afraid of getting kicked off the site. That and he's paying for the plane tickets. [the pictures and ambient noises fade]

''Fade up on the outside of what may be the entrance to the hotel for Year One, followed by a brief montage of behind-the-scenes shots from filming the brawl, panning and zooming in and out. As we hear sounds of birds chirping in the background, our "narrator" speaks:''

"Kevin Costner" (KC - actually Rob Walker, imitating him as best he can): In April of 2009, a band of brothers and sisters fought a long, hard battle to complete their first motion picture [dissolves to a pan of an old map of metropolitan Chicago] in the cold, rainy wastes of Chicago. This production became mired [dissolve to more BTS stills] in heartbreak and misery. Many were tired; some were scared. Mostly, they were just confused. But as the brawl came to a close, the troops had had enough. [by this time, we hear "Amazing Grace" being played on violin in the background in a somber, Western-style arrangement; dissolve to a zoom-in on the main street of a old ghost town] One year later, they would film in a drier, more sunnier climate. [dissolve to an older map of Nevada that zooms into a certain spot] They came to a dusty crossroads outside of Dayton, Nevada - [dissolve to a zoom-out of Rob's Molossia map] a place called Molossia. There they would shoot another movie: [fade out; fade up on a pan of the Kickassia flag held up by some people] Kickassia. This time, it would be bigger and better - or, at least, bigger. [dissolve to a pan of the gang "invading"] But for those who survived both productions, it was something altogether different. To quote their group autograph: [dissolve to a zoom-in of a rainy exterior shot of the Chicago skyline] "Our hell began in the rains of Chicago [dissolve back to the previous still] but ended in the sands of Kickassia." [fade out as the music swells]

''Fade up on the title caption: "THE KICKASSIAN WAR" - underlined in red, like the original. Fade out, then up on the next caption: "Narrated by / Kevin Costner", with the red line in-between. The caption and "Grace" music fade. Next we fade in on a stock-music version of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home", which plays throughout this segment.''

KC: [fade up on a zoom-in of the entrance gateway to Reno] In spring of 2010, [dissolve to a pan of a fleet of vans, like on a car dealer's lot] a film crew left Reno for the high-desert valley nation [cut to a zoom of the entrance...] of Molossia. Their goal: to film a movie in four days. [fade out; fade up on an still from one of the older NC reviews of...] Doug Walker, a maverick director with no real managerial or film experience, was slated to direct. [cut to the brawl's credit caption of Bargo] Their nomadic friend Bargo would executive-produce [zoom in on Bargo in a still from the Caprtain Planet review] and provide hilarious comic relief. [slow zoom-in on Rob] And Robert Walker, Doug's brother, would film, [pan of Rob in a BTS shot from the Year Two hotel] despite being colorblind and having two glass eyes. [dissolve on a zoom-in of the Kickassia Part 1 title card IN COLOR] The Kickassia saga was slated to be a high-water mark for Channel Awesome. [dissolve to a zoom-in on that weird posed photo Spoony, J-Dub, and Mickey made in the bloopers] But getting there proved to be more difficult than originally anticipated. [fade out as the music swells up and we dissolve into this caption:]

THE MOUNTAIN JOURNEY

''Music fades. We cut to a still of Rob with Mickey in Molossia and slowly zoom in. Stock military-style music plays underneath the VO.''

Rob Walker (RW): [dramatically every time he talks] Day 1. My darling Erin, we set forth today for Molossia. Our supplies are plentiful, and the men are hopeful that the filming will go as smoothly as the Hundred Years War. I have promised them a land of Starbucks and Subway, but I know that I am lying. Doug does not want them to suspect, and I am fearful of it. There is a Quizno's. They have a pepper bar - and sponge monkeys. But I fear it may not be enough; God help us if it's not. Robert Walker, 1st DIrector of Photography. [the music fades; we cut to black]

''[Fade up on the Nevada map as we hear wind swirls. Rob continues:]'' Day 6: I've followed the instructions of our Nepalese mountain guide, Bargo. It is a treacherous journey through the jagged peaks of Nevada. Sheer cliffs stalk our every move. Only the mountains bear witness to our hardships since there is nary a sign in these God-forsaken lands.

LK: We were told it was a harrowing experience that no man should have to go through. It turns out it's a really nice drive through some mountains and a little quiet town in the middle of nowhere. I'd describe it as "pleasant", actually. If Rob thought THIS was scary, wait 'til he falls asleep on the D train and ends up in the North Bronx.

RW: Day 7. Upon reaching the summit, we descended into a canyon teeming with dead trees and vultures. A gypsy caravan passed us in the valley and blessed us with wreaths of garlic and urns of foul-smelling incense. Children were told to keep away from us, for surely we were marked. Doug considered this a good omen.

LK: What the fuck? Oh, my God, [sighs] that sh- Whew! I can't- oh- okay, I'm better.

RW: Day 8. Attacked at the Pass of Caradhras, Saruman's arm has grown long. May have to take Gimli's suggestion and use the Mines of Moria. I've advised the other producers to wear Balrog repellent.

"Frodo" (Rob again): My dear Bilbo, we have lost Gandalf in the mines. Have decided to leave this film production company and start a small floral shop with Sam. Hopefully, they will be able to make their movie on their own. I have decided to leave the Ring of Power in that funny-sounding, fishy-smelling frog person in exchange for supplies. Frodo.

RW: Day 9. Benzaie traded the last of our Doritos for a worthless ring. We flogged him with out props and chucked it out the car window.

Noah Antwiler (NA - in a Southern accent): April 11. My dearest Scarlett, our march to Molossia has been fraught with misfortune. Already we've found ourselves stricken with hunger and sickness; and already, there is grumbling among the men about the leadership of this war. Two days ago, we attempted to cross the Reese River; but JewWario refused to pay for a ferry. So we attempted to ford his wagons across the raging whitewater. Four oxen drowned. Our supply of Goldfish crackers was totally lost; and several of us have already contracted dysentery.

RW: Day 10. We have oxen. I do not knwo where they came from; but there they were, just the same. Tonight, we feast. Day 12. Our supplies of oxen jerky, oxen sloppy joes, oxen tacos, oxen stir-fry, oxen smoothies, oxen sundaes, and oxen thermador in a hollandaise sauce on top of oxen confit have run low. Bargo suggested oxen chutney, but we beat him severely with various small rocks and brush. Just as well. Bargo has eaten enough oxen to offend all 1,400 of his various gods. Not even Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds, will have mercy on him now.

KC: Following Bargo's directions, the troops would arrive a mere 71 days later. However, the crew soon realized that there was a devil at bay. And that devil was Mother Nature. And Doug. And themselves. There were a lot of devils.

MOLOSSIA

RW: Day 13. Arrived in Molossia. Seven SUVs there were sent, but only three made it. The shoot is long, torturous, and fraught with danger. Landscape is a hellish nightmare incomparable to the most frightening works of Lovecraft, Cronenberg. and Stephenie Meyer. It's worse than Detroit. It gets worse. Maudlins and octerocks assail us daily. We have to place thumpers to avoid sandworms. And between every crag and rock, there was a Jawa waiting to steal our laptops and iPhones. The bastards made off with my GPS. In fact, this morning, Chris Larios and Bargo claim they saw a tumbleweed - a fucking tumbleweed, pardon my French. You can imagine our shock, for surely those things only exist in myth and Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

Lindsay Ellis (LE - in a Southern accent): My darlin' Nella, thoughts of you are the only thing that keep me afloat in these dark, dark times, even though I know people will take that quote and use it as an excuse to write erotic fan-fiction about the two of us. These people don't understand the importance of coffee to any successful film shoot. They bring us out there to shoot twelve-hour days but don't supply us with any coffee. What swill I have found is the kind that makes your stomach churn - like those grits 'n bacon you made that one time, the kind that Starbucks, only in the deepest tresses of Nevada, could come up with.

LK: I'm wearin' a face mask. Rob says it's one of the most frightening things he's even seen. Rollo T told me to take it off. Now look, we're in the middle of the desert; and they send Bargo out to get suntan lotion. He's the blackest person out here. If you poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire, he still wouldn't get sunburned. I'm keepin' the mask.

NA: My dearest Scarlett, MarzGurl continues to beat us mercilessly for dereliction of duty. And Bennett the Sage has begun acting in a most peculiar fashion, accusing the enlisted men of being radioactive and has begun saving his own urine in jars in case the worst should happen, he says. I miss you terribly. Private Noah Antwiler, 1st Lightsaber Brigade.

LK: Doug ordered me to run up a hill several times today. Can't he see that I'm shaped like a bell? Unh. He also hasn't noticed that my "weapons" consist of two water guns I bought from a dollar store. I'm worried that our "glorious leader" here might be blind. Or stupid. Or both.

Paul Schuler (PS - in a Southern accent, acting very weary): My dearest Sarah, keeping the troops motivated during these times and tribulations is indeed a daunting task. I fear that even the most heartfelt kazoo serenades are no longer enough to drive the men into battle anymore. We are hungry, and we are tired.

RW: My darling Erin, the casualties grow. My leg was busted on a sharp rock. Doug seemed only concerned about the camera. He made me do the shot again - thrice, as a lesson to keep my balance. He then kicked me in the shin for requesting a first-aid kit. MarzGurl has become sick with a Japanese superflu, and LordKat's leg snapped like a Twix - there was a cookie crunch. Spoony has become sunburned and succumbed to heat stroke. He rants about mysterious battles and charges at small rabbits, proclaiming them enemies of the Jedi order. Doug's sun poisoning is no better. Together, they look like strung out, shriveled-up extras from Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes. 8-Bit Mickey's nipples have contracted frostbite. And his horse, Handsome Tom, had to be put down after he broke his leg - the gunshot still haunts me to this day. Speaking of haunted, Bargo walked alone into the desert the other day and returned speaking of penguins and pudding. Only Cinema Snob understands him. He cut his finger on Doug's hat and contracted blood poisoning. He now fancies himself as Colonel Sanders.

Brad Jones: (in a thick Southern drawl) It was the year of our lord, 2010 in the month of April. I had been given the order from General Walker to grab the dictator hat from that there yonder Nostalgia Chick. Upon grabbin' the hat off the notorious Fuhrer, I looked down to notice red bubblin' crude. Texas Hawaiian Punch - blood, if you will - guzzlin' from my finger. Now, I'm willin' to pass this off as an accident. But then why did I see Doug strappin' barbed wire around the hat just before filming? Seems like he had it out for my middle finger. But the joke was on him. For the rest of the evenin', he saw a lot more of that there middle finger.

LE: My darlin' Nella, I don't know how much more of this I can take. My coffee reserves are at their lowest yet, and Doug's directing leaves something to be desired. He doesn't think my running gag of beverage-always-in-hand is funny. How can't he see the brilliance of it all, I'll never understand.

NA: April 12th. My love, Scarlett, Molossia is a harsh, uncivilized land. We've not seen a Starbucks in a fortnight, and our coffee supplies dwindled in three days. The Nostalgia Chick suffered the worst of all of us, I think, growing increasingly paranoid and belligerent. In her caffeine-deprived delirium, she sprouted a thick coat of hair all over her body and leapt into the wilderness. I've not seen her in days and fear the worst. Private Noah Antwiler, 1st Lightsaber Brigade.

LK: You know, if Spoony chews anymore scenery, Kevin's gonna have to relocate Molossia to his neighbor's junkyard.

RW: Erin, the situation grows dire. My leg is going gangrene. Bargo thinks he may have to amputate. We have no anaesthetic. I have taken to watching Biodome to try and numb the pain. Pauly Shore numbs the extremities, you see. Linkara promises that Frankenstein Meets the Martians is better than morphine. I look forward to the sweet release of death that is his taste in films.

LK: Linkara took his Patton impersonation too far and has taken fifteen of us as POWs. He's forcing us to watch ''Frankenstein Meets the Monster. ''You know, I'm convinced that, in a jar of chocolate-chip cookies, Linkars is the slice of whole-wheat bread.

RW: Dear Erin, Lindsay ran out of coffee. We have seen no hide nor hair of her for six days. We fear the worst. Still, we leave a raw steak and used coffee grounds out on the back porch every night. It is gone by morning. This gives us hope. My leg is now turned purple. Bargo will attempt to take it off with Paw's jagged kazoo. I have the utmost faith in him. He says he's studied under the famed surgeon, Dr. Nick Riviera.

PS: Day 3. The Molossians are on the defensive and resumed the carpet-bombing. There are many wounded. I had to amputate a man's leg with my kazoo. The screams were incredible.

RW: My darling Erin, I am only three-quarters of the man you once knew. My leg is gone. I left what remained of it on the back porch, but it disappeared overnight. I believe Lindsay returned and ate it. I miss your gentle touch. Only the coyotes serenade us to sleep. Some of us say you can hear Lindsay among them. God, I worry about her.

Bennett White: (in a very exaggerated Southern accent) To my dearest Moxy, it has been too long since I last held you in my arms and smelled your anachronistically shampooed hair. The thought of your silky body pressed up against mine is one of only two thoughts that get me through this hellish nightnare of Nentendo zappers and poorly Photoshopped explosions. The other though being that I'm not alone in my lonesome. My tent is right next to Spoony's; and every night, I hear a quiet whimper emanating from behind his ten flaps. His sobbing over being apart from his fair Scarlett, while emasculating, has a poetic somberness about it that no Byron or Shakespeare could ever wrangle down in words. Why, just the other day, he fashioned himself a makeshift real doll in the likeness of his beloved Scarlett out of twigs, rocks, cacti, and most anything a man can find on this God-forsaken blasted land that is Mr. Baugh's property. The rest of us thought it was cute - at first - until he woke up the next morning with bandages wrapped around his tallywhacker. I do believe the boy has issues. Lieutenant Bennett White, MD, 1st Battalion.

KC: As the days stretched into months, so did the crazy, threatening to unravel everything like a bad M. Night Shyamalan film.

THE MOUTH OF MADNESS

NA: April 13th. Scarlett, my love, the war goes poorly for us. General Baugh's forces are putting up an unexpected amount of resistance, and morale remains low. Angry Joe conitnues to panic at the sight of small woodland creatures and fires indiscriminately at road signs. 8 Bit Mickey has fashioned a grizzly necklace, fashioned from human ears, even though Molossia has not suffered any actual casualties. I fear to ask where he got them. And Benzaie has already surrended seven times, once before we even left and once to me.

LK: I saw Angry Joe spinning in a circle, firing his guns in the air. I think he might actually have pre-traumatic stress disorder. Either that, or he's nuts; and, considering that he's wearing a leather jacket in the middle of the desert, the odds are that he's bat-shit insane.

RW: My dearest Erin, Doug continues to descend into madness. He has accused fire ants of shuffling too loudly, and he beat me with Linkara's helmet for not holding the camera steady enough. I tried to explain to him that it's difficult to film while hopping on one leg. He stole my antibiotics for my insolence and told me to contemplate the meaning of cream cheese. I have no idea what he's talking about.

LK: More running today. I managed to roll my ankle four times in a row. That was a fascinating experience. I've never quite felt such a surge of pain run up the side of my leg before. Coulda done without it.

RW: My dearest Erin, Bargo thinks he may have to amputate the other leg. I told him, "Over my dead body." My sweet Erin, I am only half the man you knew. Bargo amputated my other leg after diagnosing me with "lone leg syndrome." I am now filming on a Radio Flyer wagon. Doug says it's the most stable camera dolly he's ever seen. I hate that man. I hate him so very much.

PS: My dearest Sarah, I fear I've made enemies of many of the men today. I suggested to the Lord High Regent that we push forward into the night and face severe reprisal. Fortunately, the Lord High Regent said somethin' about only being able to shoot in the daylight, whatever that means.

LK: Yeah. We're gonna die. A lot.

RW: Last night, the troops rested at the local arcade. There, MarzGurl played Dance Dance Revolution well into the night. Then, after beating the hardest level, she was approached by a man named Centauri and spirited away to help the Rylans Starleague defeat Xur in the Kodan empire. The men's morale is at a new low. She was the last chick among us. Film Brain cried and cried hard. He cried for all of us. You see, she was his last chance to have carnal relations before he'd surely die in the desert. Benzaie tried to comfort him in the interest of Anglo-French relations. I will speak no more of this.

LK: Our supply of food has been temporarily cut off as both Linkara and "glorious leader" have failed to order pizza from Domino's - twice. Spoony has taken drastic measures and eaten his left foot. Considering that there's an all-you-can-eat buffet downstairs, I think we all might be a little psychotic.

RW: Erin, startling news: Lindsay was found in the desert by Animal Control. Apparently, she was living with a pack of coyotes, subsisting on wild nuts, berries, and carrion. After filming, we visited her in a local asylum. The psychiatrist explained to us that she's become a "wild child" and invented her own Nell-style language to communicate. Doug has been forbidden from visiting her for he is what she calls, "Anatuwa baka kuso," or "the evil white devil what directs like shit." I gave her some flowers and a gift certificate to Starbucks. She said nothing. Poor soul. I wonder what goes on behind that thousand-yard stare.

- Actual Lindsay Audio Transcript -

I can't do this justice.

LK: We sent Bargo off nine hours ago to fetch reef supplies for the front lines. He's returned with twelve bottles of water and a very sad penguin. I'm of the opinion we should kill him and give the penguin his job. Lee disagrees and demands that we be able to watch golf with the penguin. I'm not about to argue with a two-dimensional man.

RW: My darling Erin, abandon all hope ye who enter here. The troops are battered, and our sanity broken. Lee declared a "nine-vulnerable, two-dimensional superbeing" and challenged a Mack truck to a battle of strength. He lost. JewWario abandoned his Jewish roots and declared himself the Messiah. Some say he ascended into heaven after a lunch of bread and Mountain Dew. Some say he's been accosting hikers in the foothills and asking them for worship. No one knows for sure. Only Bennett has managed to maintain his grip on reality. He talks to his fingerpuppets all day. Bargo, meanwhile, has begun preparing large batches of Kool-Aid. Phelous drank some of it and decided to take a nap - for six days. We're hopeful he'll wake up soon. Real hopeful. I bumped my arn on the car door today. Bargo says he'll "take a look at it."

LK: Rollo T has slowly slipped away into insanity. He keeps trying to interview people for his "news segment." I think the combination of Lost ending and Doug's directing has finally broken the poor man.

RW: My loveliest Erin, I am only a quarter of a man. Bargo had to amputate the other arm, due to a case of what he calls "near-fatal non-Hodgkin's lymphatic tennis elbow." I questioned his expertise, but Doug told me to go to Canada if I wanted better health care. God, I hate him. I hate him still. At least I still have my one arm left.

LK: Rob fell and cut his leg up pretty badly, although it didn't look too bad to me; but Bargo insisted on amputating his left just to be safe. Then he cut off Rob's other leg. And his arms. I don't really know why he did that - something about "tennis elbow." But ever since the episode with the penguin, I really don't question Bargo's motives. On the bright side, instead of waiting for Lewis and Doug to figure out how to order pizza, we can just eat Rob's arms. Awesome.

RW: My sweet Erin, I have lost the other arm. Bargo cut it off in the middle of the night to be symmetrical. I am currently writing to you with a pen in my mouth. My lips are blistered and sore. A scorpion stung me in the middle of the night. The pain was strangely refreshing. Missing you, as always... Rob.

LK: Spoony thinks he's really Dr. Insano, and he really did take over Molossia. I tried telling him that this is just a film we're shooting, but he refuses to believe me and keeps trying to throw force lighting at me while yelling some nonsense about science. The poor guy.

RW: My darling Erin, the men continue to deteriorate. Rumors are spreading that JewWario is among us again, and he demands a sacrifice. I don't believe in such ghost stories, but I worry about the others. God, I worry.

LK: With all the food gone, we were forced to eat Bargo. JewWario insisted. I didn't exactly put up a fight.

RW: Bargo nearly died today at the hands of th cannibalistic mob. He only escaped when an argument broke out over ketchup or mustard. I voted barbecue sauce.

LK: Doug has gone crazy with power. Uh, well, he's just crazy. He wears that M. Bison outfit constantly now, shouting orders out even when there's nothin' to say.

PS: I don't pretend to fathom war, much less the plans of the Lord High Regent. If anything should happen to me, see that I'm buried in my headphones. And... keep Angry Joe away from my sister. Know that I only live to see you again. Yours forever, Paw.

KC: Eventually, the shoot would end not with a bang, but with a whimper... a whimper that would go out like a bang, spoken here in this final entry.

THE FINAL DAYS

RW: My dear Erin, most of the crew are gone. Only Doug, Bargo, and I remain. Doug has taken to directing phantom actors that aren't there. Bargo has been cast as twelve of the principal actors, including Lord Penguin, a camera that he wrote in at the last minute that has currently being played by a twig. The camera is mounted on my head, glued to Linkara's abandoned helmet. I simply count the passing minutes of the sun and... await the inevitable end. If you receive no further letters from me, know that I love you - I love you so very much. And I hate Doug. I hate him so fucking much, pardon my French. I have some hope that the rocks that I have arranged with my teeth over the course of several nights will catch somebody's eye. It simply says, "Help. Send choppers." Let it be my gravemarker. Forever yours... 'til the bitter end... Robert Walker, [almost breathless] Director of Photography.

6 Hours Later:

RW: My most precious and sweet, loving Erin, I forgot to take the lens cap off. Doug says, "We need to start over." Shit.

KC: There is a legend in the hallways of Channel Awesome. It says that once Doug has said "Cut" for the last time, a star fell over Chicago. No one knows if it is true, but Doug did have this one last entry before succumbing to the sands of the desert:

Doug Walker: (scoffs) What a bunch of pussies.

Cinema Snob recovered from his wounds

Paw was so moved by his

Chris "Rollo T" Larios

LordKat

Lee from Still Gaming

Jew Wario

Bennet

8 Bit Mickey

Handsome Tom

Film Brain

Benzaie

MarzGUrl

Angry Joe

Phelous

Linkara

Spoony

Lindsay

Bhargav

Doug

Rob

It was pretty awful.

His Frodo is better.

Or was it?

No, really. It was.

Ha! Thirty=six lines

The filmmakers would like you to know: Except Bhargav.

Channel Awesome Tagline: Lindsay doing Nell-speak: Tiki-bye.... Derk, derk.

This transcipt is not complete yet.