King of Fighters

(After the opening for the Spoony Experiment, we come to Spoony in his room dressed up like Terry Bogard from Fatal Fury)

Spoony: If any of you are fans of the King of Fighters videogames, I am so sorry. If you're not familiar with the series of tournament fighters, count yourself extremely lucky because the live action (showing the dvd) King of Fighters is in every sense a complete betrayal.

(Clips from KoF 2001)

Spoony (vo): I'll admit, I don't know a whole lot about the series except for what I played in the arcades. I barely knew it even had a storyline to speak of aside from being a bad man running a tournament, and, uh, he's mean. So you know, basically every other fighting game. What sets it apart is its huge roster of colorful crossover characters from other SNK videogames, it's innovative combat system, (a clip of the ending for KoF '95) and it's horrendously translated Engrish dialogue. "Rugal befeated?" They didn't even spell check this! (More Engrish pops up) "Beast to pray, here come the pain?"

Spoony: "Here come the pain" is right because I promise you, this movie hurts! A lot! You know, there's not a whole lot of story in King of Fighters, so you really wouldn't think there'd be that much to fuck up! But trust me, this movie gets everything wrong! It's like it's from some opposite universe where everyone's names are the same but nothing's familiar.

(The opening credits come up)

Spoony (vo): Okay what the hell is this? "A Micott & Basara and Double Edge Entertainment production," okay. "Inferno International." Is-is what? What is Inferno International? No wait, I thought you said this was a Micott & Basara and Double Edge Entertainment production, already this movie is lying to me. "In association with Rising Star." "In association with Convergence Entertainment and Axis Entertainment." "In association with Scion Fi--" (fed up with all the credits) Oh come on, get on with it!

(Clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grai'l)

Tim: Yes, get on with it!

Army: Yeah, get on with it!

(Back to the credits)

Spoony (vo): Just put 'em all on one fucking card! This is not a good start from this movie when the opening production credits are pissing me off!

(Cut to a woman in the shower, the glass blurring her body)

Spoony (vo): The movie opens with a woman in the shower, which seems to be a common thread in these movies, and about twenty seconds in is when this movie gets completely and hopelessly stupid. She notices some kind of bluetooth earpiece is chiming with a little hologram on it. When she puts it on, she's transported to another dimension. This dimension appears to be an enormous cold storage unit where there's a man in a fur coat waiting to beat her up. I did not make a word of this up.

Mr. Big: Hello Mai.

Mai Shiranui: Why did you pick this freezing hole?

Mr. Big: Payback. Remember that sauna you chose last time.

Spoony (vo): You know, it's a good thing you get a new set of clothes when you put in your magic earpiece, or she'd be nude in this scene and it'd be really awkward. Kinda like the opposite of that Viggo Mortensen nude scene in Eastern Promises. What's that you're saying? It's kinda like The Matrix? With the techno music and the martial arts and the hidden world accessed by technology where people have superpowers and wear oversexualized fetish clothes?

Spoony: Ha! You'd be way off! They're not fighting in the Matrix! This movie is about (clips shown) magic bluetooth earpieces that transport you to another dimension where an ancient snake demon lives, sometimes in a freezer. (back to the room) You know, just like all the other King of Fighters games!

Mai: Hey does your mother know you're wearing her coat?

Mr. Big: It was a gift.

Spoony (vo): Okay this is jumping ahead a little bit, but they establish in this movie that whenever you enter the other dimension, you're given new clothes for some reason that's never really explained or questioned. So how can this stupid fucking coat be a gift if it's your imaginary Matrix clothes? And who the fuck would compete in a martial arts tournament wearing five pounds of yak fur and necktie anyway?

(Mai drags Mr. Big by his tie and slams him into a metal rack, laying him out)

Mr. Big: Ohh...I'm just gonna lay here for a second.

Spoony (vo): After she knocks the guy out, she grabs some kind of holographic ball thingie and reappears in the shower like nothing had happened. And honestly, I-I don't know. Did anything happen? (Now going over Mai) So yeah, this is Mai. Basically a microcosm of every single thing that's wrong with the King of Fighters movie. (Clips of the Fatal Fury anime as well as pictures are shown showing how Mai usually looks: red hair, scantily clad and with bouncing boobs) Look, let's be blunt here. The only two things most people remember about the King of Fighters games are this chick's enormous, bouncing jugs. This is the actual Mai from the game. You see? You see what I'm talking about? The only questions on anyone's mind when they announced a King of Fighters movie was who's playing Mai and how big are her knockers.

(Back to the movie)

Spoony (vo): So anyway they cast Maggie Q and her completely non-existant boobs! I mean come on! How do you fuck this up!? Look, I'm not bagging on Maggie Q as an actress! She's gorgeous! I'd break her combo any night, but Mai is supposed to have big, swinging ta-tas! (More pictures of the game version of Mai) Huge, swinging, luscious gazongas! Double whammies!

(Mai's in her win pose after a fight)

Al Pacino: And she's got a great ass!

(More pics of Mai)

Spoony (vo): Oh and by the way, do you have any idea how hard it was to find pictures of Mai on the internet that weren't hentai? (Clip of Mai in the movie wearing a black leather jacket and black pants) She's supposed to wear red and she never does! (Back to the game) She's supposed to be bubbly and flirtatious like in the games, and Maggie Q plays her (back to the movie) like she's barely fucking awake! She's supposed to be a ninja! She's supposed to have big balls! (another pic of Mai showing the balls on her outfit) No, these balls. I don't know what they are. (Back to the fight with Mr. Big where she uses electricity powers) She's supposed to have fire-based powers instead of lightning ones. And what in the hell is she doing as Iori Yagami's girlfriend? This is wrong! They got every single aspect of this character, except for the fact she's a woman I guess, completely and utterly wrong! Let's not even get started with Iori who doesn't look like his game character either. (Now a picture of the game version of Iori) Although I don't know why he ties his own knees together in the game, but whatever. Mai and Iori go to a party at the Boston Cultural Museum where there's an exhibition of three magical artifacts.

Iori Yagami: The three treasures of their clans. These make the King of Fighters tournament possible.

Spoony (vo): (noticing the empty seats) Oh wow. Yeah, they packed the house for this exhibit.

Iori: At that time, the necklace possessed the energy to unlock the door. That's the key. The Yata Mirror's the door. And do you what happens when, uh, when you direct the energy of the necklace into the shield?

Mai: You unlock the passageway into the other dimension.

Iori: Exactly.

Mai: But I still don't understand. I mean you have a necklace and a mirror. It's not logical. How?

Iori: Oh, Miss Logical. I forgot.

Spoony: Oh yeah, that's cute. Yeah, you're looking for logic in a King of Fighters movie.

Mai: Iori, we're using earpieces. I mean, how does that even happen?

Iori: Look, I know it doesn't look like much, but that's the point. Chizuru's father was a genius. He was able to consolidate the existing energy waves from these artifacts and condense them into the earpieces we're using today. Now at the push of a button we're able to enter another dimension.

Mai: Wow.

Iori: I know, it's crazy.

Spoony: Ha ha, yeah. It's almost like it's technobabble you pulled straight out of your ass.

Mai: What about the third one?

Iori: That's the Kusanagi Sword. Most important of the treasures. Only the sword can defeat the Orochi. The Orochi's a spirit, or a demon that was banished into the dimension 1800 years ago. Legend has him promising unlimited power to anyone that frees him, but you would have to possess all three treasures to do so.

Spoony (vo): I'm sure having martial arts tournaments in the exact same dimension as an imprisoned demon can't possibly turn out bad. It's a good thing Chizuru here collected all three artifacts in the same place and put two whole guys guarding them at a publicized event.

(Outside, a man walks up to one of the guards. The next shot has the guard's blood splattered on the glass door)

(Clip from Knightmare)

Treguard: Oooh, nasty!

Spoony (vo): Oh jeez, and wouldn't you know it? A villain shows up and steals the artifacts. This is Rugal, played by stunt master Ray Park. And no, he doesn't look anything like (picture on the side) Rugal from the games either. But I still have to respect the hell out of any man who takes over the universe wearing a red and white polka dot scarf. That, my friends, is a man.

(A guard tries to escort Rugal out, only for Rugal to take his gun out)

Rugal Bernstein: Peek-a-boo. (and he shoots the guard dead)

Spoony (vo): Rugal grabs all the stuff, takes the sword and whacks Chizuru with it. Oh and by the way, (showing how unfair of a boss Chizuru Kagura is in KoF 96) Chizuru is one of the balls hardest and annoying bosses in the games and she just got taken out (showing Rugal knock Chizuru out) in one hit. Thanks for that, movie. Rugal runs off and uses his blood to activate the magic mirror and escape with the artifacts. (Rugal disappears into the other dimension, taking the artifacts with him) "Oh no, he's stolen artifacts that allow him to escape into another dimension. (Showing Iori using the earpiece to teleport to the dimension) That other dimension we can much more easily and painlessly access at any time with our magic earpieces. But it turns out the sword didn't go with him because it wasn't the magic sword. It was a fake.

Chizuru: It's a fake.

(Clip from Star Trek) (can anyone fill this out?)

Romulan: It's a fake!

Spoony (vo): To find the real sword, they go to the head of the Kusanagi clan, Saisyu, who might know where it's hidden. (looking over Saisyu's "deer in the headlights" look) Oh yeah, I had this same reaction when I saw the Green Lantern movie. Anyway, he's been mentally checked out for the last ten years and his son looks after him,

Kyo Kusanagi: I'm his son. Kyo Kusanagi.

Spoony (vo): Yeah, you're about as Japanese as (quick picture of) Goku from Dragonball Evolution. Fuck this movie! (back to Dragonball) And fuck that movie, too!

Iori: Kyo is a half-breed.

Spoony (vo): Yeah, half white and the other half white. Well he looked Japanese in the flashbacks. When Iori comes looking for the sword, too, the old guy finally wakes up.

(Saisyu snaps and grabs Iori)

Saisyu Kusanagi: I'll kill you!

(Kyo pulls him off when Saisyu has a moment of lucidity)

Saisyu: My son.

Kyo: Dad? (at that moment, Saisyu dies)

Spoony (vo): And then he...dies immediately.

Kyo: Dad!

Spoony (vo): Huh. I'm not really glossing anything over here, that just sort of happens. Meanwhile Chizuru's in the hospital trying to stop people from entering the other dimension because the last thing you wanna do when a guy's trying to take over the world is attempt to, you know, stop him in any way. (Rugal is seen with a ball of snakes on his hand) Just let him chill out and amass power with his hand in a ball of snakes. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me, either. (As Rugal) Hmm! No-now that is a weird sensation.

Scott: I've shut down the tournament as you instructed. (Throughout the scene, he's invoking the tropes of Hollywood Hacking and Rapid-Fire Typing)

Chizuru: And you sent out a warning to the fighters?

Scott: Yes.

Chizuru: Excellent.

Scott: Except...there's been an override.

Chizuru: From who?

Scott: Rugal.

Chizuru: Damn it. He's trying to take control of the tournament. But how?

Scott: Actually it's pretty fascinating. (he turns the laptop to Chizuru, showing the tournament standings)

Spoony (vo): (imitating Scott) See, look. I was totally typing like crazy to bring this window up. Because I am a computor nerd. And computor nerds type a lot to do things with computors. See? I made this with typing."

(We cut to the next scene which has a blonde woman in a suit and another in a towel)

Spoony (vo): And then we cut to what appears to be the set-up for a Cinemax lez scene. And ordinarily I'd do this thing where...

(back in the room)

Spoony: I pretend to be really horny and excited, but you and I both know this is a King of Fighters movie and we're so not gonna see anything good, so fuck it.

Vice: I'm up.

Mature: Remember the message we got? No one's supposed to accept challenges until Chizuru authorizes it. (Her own device goes off) Both of us.

Vice. I've never heard of two fighters entering at the same time.

Mature: This could be our chance. Two against one.

Spoony (vo): So she's completely disregarding the warning she gave not five seconds ago?

Spoony: What did this e-mail from Chizuru even say? Because nobody's taking it that fucking seriously. Just tell people that fucking Darth Maul has taken over the tournament, he's trying to wake up a magic dragon, and he can fucking kill you! Shit, if we're willing to accept magic bluetooth earpieces, I think we'll believe just about anything.