John Carter

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "John Carter."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

I come from the planet-- Spoilers!

There's this guy named John Carter.

OH MY GOD, they made a movie about the Terminator kid!

Maybe this is before he turns into that guy who yells at people for walking into the shot.

Only this time he's travelling to Mars!

So on this planet he can apparently breathe on for some reason, he comes across these big, angry people who are green!

The Liberal left?

But he outfoxes the green people because he can jump really high.

Apparently people on Mars can jump really high as well as apparently breathe air.

This movie's teaching me so much about Mars!

And here I thought it was just the location of Marvin the Martian and bad Tim Burton movies.

But it turns out just away from the green people is another town named Helium.

And the guards are like, "Princess! The palace is under siege!"

Hang on a minute! That's not what people from Helium should sound like!

They should sound like this: (In high-pitched voices) "Princess! The palace is under siege!"

"Behold! The ultimate warp zone!"

"What?"

"I mean, I mastered the secret weapon that those guys made!"

"Does it work?"

"Yes, as long as no supernatural forces come in and destroy it!

(Mimics shooting) "Bang!"

"What was that?"

(Rolls eyes) "A supernatural force came in and destroyed it."

So the bad guy agrees to let everybody live as long as he just marries the princess.

And the king is like, (high-pitched) "Okay."

"What?!"

"Hey, it's a good plan. If it turned out the only way to win World War II was to have the President marry Hitler, I'd do it!"

"This is unheard of! A princess in a Disney movie being forced to marry!"

"It's almost as implausible as a princess being able to figure out the secret weapon on the other side when our top scientists can't!"

"Woe is me!"

"Yes, woe is you."

But the princess escapes and makes it to John Carter and the green people.

Sounds like the title of a kids book, doesn't it?

Almost as crazy as John Carter on Mars!

And the princess is like, (high-pitched) "I'll get you back to your home planet if you help me save Mars!"

(normal) "Okay. But I'll need help from a cute little comic relief."

(high-pitched) "How about a really fast Martian dog?"

(normal) "That'll do."

(Chester sticks out his tongue like the Road Runner - "Meep meep!" is heard as he runs off)

So the princess helps him escape the green people.

But then the bad guys catch up with 'em.

And he does the most fiendish thing he can think of!

He gives the princess a chance to kill him! (pauses) ...Wait, what?

But she doesn't do it.

Wait, what?

In fact, she decides to marry him.

Wait, what?!

So John Carter is like, "I thought you didn't want to marry him!"

(high-pitched) "But how else could I save my people?"

(normal) "By killing him?"

(high-pitched) "Well, if only I was given the chance!"

(normal) "You were?"

(high-pitched) "But would it really have done anything?"

(normal) "It would have done everything."

(high-pitched) "I guess you're right. Some bald people are here to capture you."

(normal) "What?" (gets punched out)

So the bald people are like, "We have taken over dozens of planets before and watched them destroy themselves!"

"But why?"

"Becauuussse!"

"Because why?"

"We're balllddd!"

"Does balding make you really that angry?"

"Yes, we're very bitter about it."

But the Martian dog helps him escape. (He "meep meeps" and runs off again)

Just so he can get captured by the green people again!

"I summon you to fight the white ape!"

(Pulls out sword and easily stabs) "Okay, he's dead."

"Then I summon you to fight me!" (He attacks, only to get stabbed and fall down)

"King me."

HOORAY!

So they stop the wedding from taking place that the princess could've stopped before.

And it looks like everybody lives happily ever after.

Except one of the evil bald guys is like, (quickly) "A person who wants to go back to Earth says what?"

"What?" (He gets poofed away)

"Cripes! I'm back on Earth! I'm gonna wait 10 years to put a plan into motion that should only take a couple of days."

And the bald guy is like, "I would've gotten away with this if it wasn't for that pesky John Carter! Oh yeah, and that Martian dog!" (He "meep meeps" once more and runs off)

"See ya on Mars!" (poofs away then back) "But probably not a sequel." (poofs away)

HOORAY!

So "John Carter" was a lot of fun, even though it didn't make sense a lot of the time.

But it sure is a great vacation promo for the planet Mars.

After this and "Total Recall," I think everybody's gonna go up there!

But you do need one thing when you travel.

CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, travelling with me to Mars isn't bad! It's gotta be better than watching "Red Planet"!