The Country Bears (NC)

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown; cold-open on NC sitting down on the couch with a TV remote)

NC: Okay, let's see...

(He brings up Netflix and goes to the search section; he programs in the following letters...)

NC: C... O... U...

(The phrase "The Country Bears" pops up on the search results list)

NC: Ah, yes...

(He pushes "OK" on the screen. Suddenly, the following message pops up on the screen: "Are You Sure You Mean Country Bears?")

NC: (rolls eyes) Yes.

(Again, he pushes "OK" on the screen. Another message pops up: "The DISNEY Ride?")

NC: (again rolls eyes) Yes!

(Again, he pushes "OK" on the screen. Another message pops up: "Why?")

NC: (getting frustrated) Aw, Christ, just...

(Once more, he pushes "OK" on the screen. Another message pops up: "Seriously, It's just Hannah Montana with Hairy Ninja Turtles.")

NC: (irritably) Will you just let me watch it?!

(Once more, he pushes "OK" on the screen. Another message pops up: "Are You Okay? Should We Dial 911?")

NC: (exasperated) Oh, for God's sake! (facepalms himself)

Tamara: (walking in) Hey, Critic, what's up?

NC: (sighs) Nothing, I'm just trying to watch Country Bears.

Tamara: Are you sure you mean Country Bears?

NC: Yes!

Tamara: The Disney ride?

NC: YES!!

Tamara: ...Why?

NC: (throwing down remote) Oh, for God's sake! (gets up) It's gonna go on and on and on and on... (Voice recedes as he leaves the room)

Tamara: (taking out her phone) Hey, 911? Yeah, there's no way this can't be an emergency.

(Cue the title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today's movie has a...bit of a reputation.

(Various images of Disney movies, Disney Channel shows, and other forms of Disney media, are shown)

NC (vo): Kind of like Disney has had over certain periods of time. Through the constant ups and downs, Disney has always found some niche to creatively exploit, in that...you need little creativity to exploit it. You name it, direct-to-DVD sequels, kid rock stars, and it turns out, even then, they were trying too hard, as all they had to do was re-release their animated movies with the lines erased. Well, at this creatively bankrupt point in their lives, they were really big into turning their rides into movies. They had a big hit with Pirates of the Caribbean, a big miss with The Haunted Mansion...

NC: But all this began with the most bizarre of rides to start this most bizarre of trends...The Country Bears.

(The title of the film is shown, before showing its clips)

NC (vo): An idea so rushed, they forgot to even put "Jamboree" in the title, this is a movie I referenced a lot in the past, but I'll admit, had never seen all the way through.

NC: (looking somber) I...just...fast-forwarded to the Christopher Walken scenes. (beat) And so did you.

NC (vo): The film was less than a hit at the box office, got pretty torn apart by critics, and was often the punchline of jokes about unsuccessful Disney films.

NC: Knock-knock. Who's there? Country Bears. Country Bears who? Exactly.

NC (vo): It drew my attention more, though, when I saw Animaniacs writer and producer Peter Hastings directed it. This dude has had some big titles under his belt, (Images of Pinky and the Brain, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012), and Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness are shown) so I figured something of value has to come out of it. And, yes, I'm aware I just said something of value has to come out of The Country Bears Movie. How much, you may ask? Well, let's willingly find out.

NC: Let's put on the 2002 cinematic question mark...Country Bears.

(The film opens with the Country Bears performing at a large concert)

NC (vo): The film opens, trying to convince us that the Bears were a legit country band. And I'm not gonna lie, they try so hard to make it look legit, it's kind of hilarious.

(The band members are shown with captions introducing them, Ted Budderhead, lead vocals and guitar, Zeb Zoober, fiddle, and Tennessee O'Neal, one string thang)

NC: (snickers) I'm just waiting for VH1's Behind the Music intro to play around it.

(The intro to Behind the Music is shown, with the caption "Country Bears" added in. The opening concert scene is shown again as NC narrates in the manner of Jim Forbes)

NC (vo; as Jim Forbes): The Bears sold out countless shows to millions of confused-looking fans. Sometimes, they'd even stare blankly at the stage like lifeless mannequins. But then, everything changed... (Footage of the Teddy Grahams Bears performing a concert is shown) ...when the Teddy Grahams Bears began touring.

(A clip of Big Al, the bear caretaker, is shown)

NC (vo; as Big Al): F*ck those guys.

(We are shown that the opening concert scene was the Country Bears' farewell performance, which is watched on TV by a young bear named Beary Barrington)

Announcer: The Country Bears officially broke up after the '91 Hibernation Tour.

NC: Taking into account there were no bears in that audience...

NC (vo): ...many blame human grizzly segregation. (Willie Nelson is shown being interviewed about the Country Bears) Willie Nelson, a former Country Bear himself, drew much influence.

Willie Nelson: I learned a lot from those guys, and that was why I was so sad to see them break up.

NC (vo; as Willie Nelson): I'm just figuring out now that they were real and not a result of the wacky tabacky. See, that's the real tragedy. (Speaks normally) This little guy watching TV is Beary, voiced by Haley Joel Osment...

NC: ...who nowadays...

NC (vo): ...could play this role without the suit... (An image of the bearded Haley Joel Osment in the present day is shown alongside Beary) ...and he can't help but feel like he doesn't belong with his family.

(Beary is sitting at the dinner table with his human family, his mother, his father Norbit, and his older brother Dexter)

Beary: Mom, am I adopted?

(Mrs. Barrington chuckles nervously. NC makes a brief snort of laughter)

NC: Okay, I'll admit, I'd be lying if I said this kind of joke didn't always get a laugh out of me. But it could've used Steve Martin saying...

Navin R. Johnson (from The Jerk; dubbed over Barry): You mean I'm gonna stay this color?

(Suddenly, a knock on the door in NC's room is heard. Tamara's voice is heard)

Tamara: Critic?

NC: Yeah?

(Tamara is outside the room, holding a cell phone and looking concerned)

Tamara: I, uh, I thought I heard you laughing.

NC: Well, yeah. I saw a funny scene.

Tamara: Okay. Well, you are aware that you're watching Country Bears, right?

NC: (annoyed) For God's sakes! I'm giving this movie a fair shot, even if it is Country Bears!

Tamara: (chuckling nervously) Okay. I know you're totally fine in there, Critic. You're totally... (Suddenly speaks on the cell phone in a serious manner) That's a lie, and I need you to get here as soon as possible.

(An alarm is heard through the phone)

Voice: Code blue. Code blue.

(Dexter, also known as Dex, Beary's older brother, is shown making disparaging comments about Beary, only to be stopped by his parents)

NC (vo): Beary has to deal with his early 2000s brother Dex...

NC: ...who, I swear, were all bought from a Reese Store...

(A Photoshopped image of the Reese Store billboard is shown, which includes images of Dex, Reese Wilkerson from Malcolm in the Middle, and Stan from Home Alone 3)

NC (vo): ...who constantly mocks Beary. And can you blame him? The parents are kind of needlessly cruel to him.

Mrs. Barrington: Even if you were adopted, we would love you as much as we love Dexter.

Norbit: Maybe more.

(Dexter is shown looking silently at his offscreen father)

NC: (stunned) He's right there!

NC (vo): He does get a pretty funny comeback scene, though.

Dex: Wow, really? And did you know that nobody cares?

(As Norbit is about to hit him on the head with a newspaper, Dex stops him by using a spoon to block the newspaper. NC snorts with laughter again)

NC: That face is hilarious.

NC (vo): As if his father is thinking... (Imitates Norbit) "My God, he stopped me with a spoon. I can no longer control him."

NC: It's legit funny! (A knock from Tamara is heard) I'm fine!

(That night, Dex reveals Beary's background to Beary, who soon decides to leave home)

NC (vo): Things escalate pretty fast when Dex comes in and reveals that he's adopted, and Beary decides to run away, like, just within a few minutes. Don't worry, though. Emotional pacing is as important in this film as getting that psychotic face of death off Beary's mug.

(Beary's face is shown in close-up, with the scene colored red and a haunting choir being heard)

NC: (uneasy) I didn't know both eyes could twitch.

(After leaving home, Beary travels on a bus to visit Country Bear Hall, the former concert home of the band, learning that it's being threatened with destruction)

NC (vo): You may think I referenced the lack of emotion in this film as a bad thing, but to the film's credit, it knows not to waste time on stuff like this. It's aware a lot of people watching are simply tuning in to see how goddamn crazy it gets. (The film's villain, Reed Thimple, is shown meeting with the band's former manager, Henry Dixen Taylor) And, brother, they deliver on that fast! Enter Christopher Walken as Reed Thimple, an evil businessman who wants to tear down Bear Hall.

NC: And I swear to God, I have never seen Christopher Walken act so serious.

NC (vo): He actually seems more comfortable acting with animatronic bears than he does real people.

Reed Thimple: Six years, $20,000. Must be tough. Do you like the sound of crunching wood? I do.

NC: I'm sorry. He brings his A-game to this!

NC (vo): He knows exactly what to give, how to give it, and how to make it funny.

Thimple: 25 cents? (Brings out a 100 dollar bill) You have change for a hundred?

Henry Dixen Taylor: I thought you weren't coming back until he could tear the place down.

Thimple: That's a whole four days away, Henry. (Beary puts a coin into a jar that keeps money to save Bear Hall) Oh, like that's gonna help. (Laughs as he walks away)

NC: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole movie came out of his head.

(The photo of Christopher Walken is shown in front of a tape recorder, as we hear the audio of reenacted conversation between Walken and the studio executive)

Executive (Malcolm): All right, Mr. Walken, we're all set to film the origin story of Hannah Montana...

Walken (Rob): I want bears.

Executive: ...What?

Walken: Bears.

Executive: You mean like...Hannah goes to the zoo, or...

Walken: Half the cast should be bears.

Executive: Well, I don't think that matches Hannah Montana...

Walken: Buddy, I'm not budging on the bear thing.

Executive: Well, your contract says...

Walken: My contract says I own Disney now.

Executive: What?!

(We hear the sound of papers rustling)

Executive: My God, it does! How did that happen?

Walken: I've ways. And you'll notice you won't get control back until the bear movie is made with me in it.

Executive: Well, I guess we have no choice in the matter.

Walken: Singing bears.

Executive: Aha.

Walken: With hats. I like hats.

(Back at the Barringtons' home, the Barringtons have called on the help of two police officers named Officer Cheets and Officer Hamm to find Beary)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Beary's family calls the police to see if they can find him.

Mrs. Barrington: (carrying a tray of various cookies and placing them down on the table) I thought you officers might enjoy a little nibble of something. (The cops sit still, silently, until a tearful Mrs. Barrington yells) Please help yourself!

(The cops immediately partake in eating the cookies. NC shrugs)

NC: What do I even say sometimes?

NC (vo): It's so odd and random, you feel like you have no choice but to laugh, like being cornered by Steven Segal in clown makeup. (An image of Steven Segal is shown with Photoshopped clown makeup) You laugh out loud because you feel like there's no other option!

(The cops look at Beary's pictures and smile while Mrs. Barrington continues crying)

Officer Hamm: Cutie pie.

(Back at Country Bear Hall, Beary is talking with Henry as they look around the hall)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Beary sees Bear Hall is about to be closed down... (The closing sign is shown to have the word "Destroy" written in red) ...oh, I mean, destroyed, in big cartoony letters...as he looks over with the owner of the place how great it used to be.

Henry: Jimi Hendrix opened here for Vanilla Fudge, but nobody, but nobody was like the Country Bears. People sitting everywhere, even up in the rafters.

NC: (as Henry) Now it's all Splash Mountain dubstep and tea cup rappers. (Two Photoshopped images of a DJ next to Splash Mountain and a rapper next to Alice's Tea Party ride are shown)

Beary: I belong here, helping you save this place.

Henry: Nah.

Beary: And we can do it with a concert to raise the money. We can get the band back together!

NC: (as Henry) That's just insane. You know half of them joined the Rockafire Explosion.

(A Photoshopped image of two Country Bears next to the Rockafire Explosion band is shown with a guitar riff heard)

Henry: That's the stupidest thing!

NC (vo): But Bearhorn Leghorn can't help but remember the good old days.

(Henry imagines the Country Bears performing in a hall to a big crowd)

NC (vo; as Henry): Man, we hosted everybody here. The Chipmunks, Powerline, the "Coming Out of Their Shells" Tour, and so many Christian bands.

(Henry reveals to Beary his new decision)

Henry: If we're gonna get the band back together, we're gonna need some transportation.

NC (vo): He then agrees to get the band back together... (Imitating one of the Blues Brothers) We're on a mission from Fozz. (A Photoshopped image of God with Fozzie Bear's head is shown) ...as they pull their old touring bus out of storage.

(The old touring bus is pulled out of the garage. One man steps out of the bus)

NC (vo; as the man): I've been sleeping in there for years! Who's president? (as Henry) Donald Trump. (as the man) No, really! Who's president?!

(Beary and Henry travel on the road on the bus, which is shown through fast-forwarding shots)

NC (vo): The movie sense his parents want to get home, so it fast-forwards to get the bears to their destination faster.

(The first member that is shown is Fred Bedderhead, who is working as a security guard on the set of a music video. The singer, Krystal, approaches Fred)

Krystal: Excuse me.

Fred Bedderhead: Sorry. Gotta be part of the video shoot.

Krystal: I kind of am the video shoot.

NC: Wow! They got... (Looks at his cell phone to see the IMDB page for Krystal Harris) ...Krystal Harris! (Looks at the page again) Singer!

Krystal: You're Fred Bedderhead? Fred from the Country Bears?

Fred: Yeah.

NC (vo; as Fred, imitating Nicolas Cage): Actually, I'm Nicolas Cage in a bear suit, looking for women to punch. I'm in a 12 step program to get over it.

(Fred starts playing a song on his harmonica as Krystal dances)

NC (vo): Speaking of banding together to get through something, this musical moment starts.

(Krystal Harris peforms “The Kid In You” in a music video-like sequence, with several dancers and musicians performing and Fred still playing on his harmonica)

NC: Fun fact: They had to do 50 retakes because all the people with instruments kept pissing their pants with laughter trying to keep a straight face around Earlson Claire covered in hairy mold. But seeing the final product, you wouldn’t think that. (quick beat) You would know that.

(Krystal and Fred perform the song while in a rotating set)

NC: You know, people never tell you this is what...

(Footage from The Shining (1980) is shown)

NC (vo): ...Shelley Duvall continued to see in the bear scene from The Shining.

(The bear scene from that movie is shown, showing Wendy discovering a weird-looking bear in a room. The scene is extended with footage of Krystal and Fred's music video. Back to the film, showing Beary and Henry meeting with Fred)

NC (vo): They ask Fred to be in the band, but Fred wonders how they're gonna get people to the show.

Beary: Why don't you go to Rip Holland, Hen...?

Henry: Rip Holland? The guy who stole the band from me? Ha. Call Rip? Yeah.

(The film immediately cuts to Henry calling Rip Holland, who appears to be sitting in an office)

Rip Holland: Rip Holland.

Henry: Uh, Rip?

NC: (as Henry) I wanted to do one of those funny things, like, you ever watch F Troop and Agarn's like, "There's no way I'm wearing that dress.", and Forest Tucker's like, "You're wearing that dress.", and Agarn is like, "No way, no how, there's no way I'm wearing that dress.", and then they went... (makes a silly sound with his tongue) ...and Agarn's wearing a dress.

(We immediately whip pan to a scene in F Troop, showing Corporal Randolph Agarn wearing a dress)

Agarn: Yoo-hoo!

(Back to the film)

NC (vo): He asks Rip if he can set up a show at Bear Hall, and Rip's response is the same Jason Momoa's wife tells him every night.

Rip: Well, it's gonna be a squeeze, but I think with a little juggling, I can fit it in.

NC (vo): And as lame as that lead-in to him picking up the phone is, it is followed by a very funny joke.

Rip: (after hanging up) I am so back, baby!

(Suddenly, the camera cuts back to reveal that Rip is sitting in a display of an office in a department store. A clerk approaches him)

Clerk: Excuse me, sir. This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. You're gonna have to leave the store.

Rip: Yeah, right, like I need you.

NC: (laughs) You know...this movie can actually get a few genuine laughs out of me. (A knocking is heard, annoying NC) What?!

(Outside the room, Tamara has brought in Malcolm and Jim, who are dressed in scientist lab coats; Malcolm has a stethoscope and Jim is holding some paddles)

Malcolm: Critic, did we hear you laughing at Country Bears?

NC: (sighs) Yes, I laughed at Country Bears!

Tamara: (slightly tearful) You see? He's mad.  (Suddenly shrieks) MAD!!

Malcolm: Critic, you're not well. You need medical attention immediately.

NC: Oh, piss off!

Jim: Oh, come on, Critic. We have some sort of shocky thing for you.

NC: What does it do?

Jim: I don't know. Shocky stu-- (Accidentally puts the two paddles together, causing a tiny explosion)

NC: No, screw you, guys! I'm gonna like whatever I like in this, and none of you can stop me!

Malcolm: (menacingly) Oh, no?

(The camera moves closer to Malcolm's menacing look for a few moments, until...)

NC: Yeah!

Jim: (immediately accepting) Well, he's got us.

Malcolm: Let's get out of here.

Tamara: Wait, wait, wait! Hold on a second. I can't let you leave when there's a man watching Country Bears in there. This calls for drastic action! (She begins walking away. Malcolm and Jim, curious, follow after her, until the camera moves right to reveal Tamara's standing in a nearby part of the hallway) Oh, yeah, no. I didn't have anything. I was just walking away to think.

Malcolm: Oh.

(Not thinking of anything else to do, Tamara, Malcolm and Jim begin walking away. We go back to the movie, showing Beary, Henry and Fred continuing their journey)

NC (vo): So the Bears try to get everyone together to do the show by Saturday...boy, somebody hired Billy McFarlane to plan this...as Beary looks over their past competitions and notices one of the acts that lost.

(Beary looks at a past talent contest in a newspaper and notices one competitor named Benny Bogswaggle, whose talent is arm-farting the "1812 Overture")

Henry: He was a bad loser.

(Upon losing to the Country Bears, Benny throws an instrument and a chair at the Country Bears in rage)

NC (vo; as Benny): First, I lose to Jabberjaw and the Neptunes, now this?! GO BACK TO BEAR COUNTRY!

(We cut to Thimple speaking with Big Al at Bear Hall)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Walken comes back to be the most committed he's ever been since Deer Hunter.

Big Al: Rip Holland will promote it.

Thimple: Rip Holland?

Big Al: Come here.

(Thimple moves closer to listen to Big Al)

NC: Look at that reaction.

(The face Thimple makes while listening to Big Al is shown)

NC (vo): You know, it's like it finally hit him. (as Walken) My God. Bears. Don't let them catch on that you figured it out.

Thimple: (whispers) Rip Holland?

NC: I still, for the life of me, don't know what he said there.

Thimple: (whispers) Rip Holland?

NC: You could replace it with a duck quacking and make as much sense.

(Thimple is dubbed over with sounds of a duck quacking. The group arrives at their next stop, the Swarmin' Hive Honey Club, to find the band's fiddler, Zeb Zoober)

NC (vo): The Bears go to the Swarmin' Hive Honey Club, where, you guessed it, they only serve honey, and it's weirdly populated by both bears and people.

NC: I just assumed this is euthanasia for diabetics.

(The Bears approach the bar's owner)

Henry: Excuse me, Miss.

(The bar's owner, Cha-Cha, played by Queen Latifah, turns to look at them)

NC (vo; as Queen Latifah; singing): ''When you're good to Mama Bear, Mama Bear's good to you. (Speaks normally) ''They go to pick up a member of the band named Zeb, but it turns out he owes money to Queen Bee Latifah here. Oh, I do hope this can be solved with annoying music.

(Cha-Cha goes up on stage)

Cha-Cha: Zeb Zoober owes me a whole heap of money. Well, his little friend there has proposed a wager: My house band vs. Zeb's fiddle, a little musical duel.

NC: I think the bar's accountant is shitting himself, but continue.

Cha-Cha: If he wins, he owes me nothing. But if he loses, I get to keep the Country Bear tour bus.

NC: As a reward or punishment?

(Zeb competes in a playoff with the bar's house band, led by Brian Setzer)

NC (vo): So I guess it's a...country rap battle of sorts, as the two musicians dish out insults.

Brian Setzer: (singing) I'm hereby challenging you to a duel, with my guitar and your fiddle. You fuzzy fool!

(A brief clip of a cheering crowd from 8 Mile is shown. Zeb and Setzer each play different competing solos on their fiddle and guitar, respectively)

NC: Uh, might I recommend not pissing off the bear?

NC (vo): I mean, he is still...a bear. I feel like any second, this is gonna end with...

(We see an outside shot of the bar. We hear various sounds of a bear growling and smashing things. Back to the film, where Zeb wins the duel, as Setzer congratulates him)

NC (vo): But Zeb ends up winning, though I'm not entirely sure who judged... (We see Thimple relaxing in his office) ...and we cut to Christopher Walken in his office. Fun fact: this is what he does 10 minutes before every shoot.

(Thimple starts dancing to country music around the room, wearing only his shirt, his underwear, and bunny slippers. NC acts as a director, holding a film script in a folder)

NC: Uh, Mr. Walken, you were supposed to just say a line into the phone. What's with the...

(Thimple takes out a model of Bear Hall and puts it on the table)

NC (vo): ...missing pants, bunny slippers, and...?

(Thimple brings out a remote and presses a button, causing a large anvil to fall out and crush the model of Bear Hall)

NC: (stunned) Is that an anvil? Did you bring an anvil to this?

Thimple: (sarcastically shocked) Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been crushed!

(He brings out another Bear Hall model and puts it on the table)

NC: A-are you doing that again? Are you really doing that all again?

(Thimple is shown pressing the remote and causing the anvil to crush dozens of models of Bear Hall. Each time, Thimple reacts in a sarcastic shocked manner; this moment is repeated several times)

Thimple: Oh, no! (Crush!) Oh, no! (Crush!) Oh, no!

NC: (putting the folder down) You know what? Just roll. I'm sure we can use it for something.

Thimple: (after crushing another model) Oh, no! (Crush!) Oh, no! (Crush!) Oh, no!

NC: Doing great, Chris. Doing great.

Thimple: (after crushing another model) Oh, no!

NC: The stories were true. (poster of...) Balls of Fury was supposed to be a drama.

Thimple: Country Bear Hall has been crushed!