Zodmas: Snowmen

As Skitch’s version of “Deck The Halls” plays throughout, we see General Zod from Superman II ''(dressed in a black - or is it deep blue? - outfit and painted-on beard) standing center-left in front of the camera. Behind him is a Christmas wreath, garland, and a mantle, on top of which is ''The Big Book Of Revenge: 200 Dirty Tricks for Those Who Are Serious About Getting Even.

General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.

''We dissolve to the opening graphic: MERRY ZODMAS!, written in alternating hand-drawn red and green letters, behind a CG backdrop of snowfall. After a few seconds, an animated head of Zod pops through the opening of the letter “O” (with appropriate sound effect) and says, “KNNNEEEEEEEELL!!” while trembling at the same time. Cut back to Zod.''

All throughout December, I, General Zod, will be talking to you about the oddities of this holiday you call… Christmas.

I do not understand your alien ways.

So, with every episode, I am going to analyze another strange thing about the way you Houstonians act.

So that I may judge you. Harshly.

And, in time, punish.

But let us look at your first oddity of this strange holiday: Snowmen.

''We dissolve to the word “Snowmen” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over the CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.''

These strange creatures are neither snow nor men.

[looks off screen-right] Wait, I take that back. They are snow, [looks back at us] but they are not men.

They lack genitalia.

I have yet to see a snowman with a male member.

[looks up screen-left] Which is ironic, considering the amount of sticks people [looks back at us] shove in them.

[looks up screen-right] I must say that, as far as armies go, [looks back at us] they seem very fallible.

True, they stand up straight and maintain good discipline.

But they never MOVE!

You have to command an army, and they simply just stand there. And they are made of snow. This is their fatal flaw.

[looks up screen-left] I have also noticed that their noses [looks back at us] give fuel to rabbits.

And provide many a hilarity for Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.

But [shakes his fist] a palpable army that does not make!

Plus, they seem to have a strange allergic reaction to the sun.

[looks up screen-left] It seems to be their [back at us] Achilles heel, [back to screen-left] or even their… [thinks for a few beats, then looks back at us and back upper-left again] I can’t think of any other comparison.

Unlike me. Or the son of Jor-El, which I’ll [raises his fist] STRIKE from your mighty yellow sun!

If you had constructed them, say, out of cybernetic warriors… [shrugging his shoulders] or nails…

That would be a step in the right direction.

If there were a snow army comprised entirely of me, I assure you, they would not result in a puddle of piss.

[bringing his right hand up and clenching his fist] And their hearts would be colder. [leaning in to the camera] Colder.

[brings up his right hand with index finger pointing down and brings his hand down] YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE SNOWMAN ZOD!

[leans in] First, you; and then, one day, your beloved Frosty.

Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Snowmen Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.

Nailmen, on the other hand: approved.

[in big red letters at screen-bottom, we see:] DEPLOY! [as he points to the camera; we hear a large-mission-launching sound effect]

This is General Zod, and you will kneel before me.

[does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]

''We dissolve to a close-up of figurine depicting Santa Claus praying in front of baby Jesus in a bed made of perhaps feathers, with a lamb kneeling next to it.. But Zod’s head has been superimposed on top on Jesus. The credits roll in cursive at top-screen right.''

THE END