MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time XII

(We start with MarzGurl sitting at her computer)

MarzGurl: Well, we're closing in on the end of The Land Before Time movie series, and while we're on movie number twelve out of thirteen, it really still just feels like we're really far away from our end goal.

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): These last several movies have featured so much CGI that even the guys working at Industrial Light and Magic would do a double take, and believe me, now that it's been introduced, it's not going away.

Narrator: Yes, the earth is very different than it was in the days of the dinosaurs.

MarzGurl: Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure a couple of movies ago, the narrator was trying to tell us that we were exactly the same as dinosaurs? (scoffs) Forget it, never mind, moving on.

MarzGurl (vo): So one of the big deals here is that Cera's getting a younger sibling soon. Aw, geez, they left Tria in this movie? This does not please me. Also, what exactly happened to all of Cera's other siblings?

(A clip from the first movie is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): I'm pretty positive more siblings were born somewhere around movie two, but every movie past the first one is completely ignoring the fact that Cera was born in a nest with a ton of other siblings. Where did they all go? Huh, same place her real mother went, wherever that is, I guess.

(More clips from The Land Before Time XII are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): Anyway, as you can imagine, Cera's jealous of all the attention the egg gets. Her dad and Tria don't seem to care a lick about the health and safety of their pre-existing child. As I understand it, this happens frequently among families with more than one child. I don't know from personal experience, but I see where they're trying to go with this already. At the same time, we see that Petrie is completely incapable of flying with his family like any regular flyer should be able to. Seems he and his family have some crazy exam on The Day of the Flyers, not really sure where this is supposed to lead him. Is he supposed to get some sort of flying permit out of this or something? Either way, he's screwing it up for everybody, naturally. He never exactly seems like the kind of character who has all his stuff together. Anyway, these two individual plot elements continue on for a while before our third plot element gets introduced, and man, does the buildup take forever!

Voice: (off-screen; screams)

Littlefoot and Ducky: (screaming)

Cera: That didn't sound like Petrie!

(Petrie backs away from the long grass in fear)

Littlefoot: Petrie, you okay?

(Petrie yelps and falls down and points to the grass. The grass rustles)

Cera: W-what's in there?

Ducky: Is it a Sharptooth?

Petrie: (shaking his head) Mmm-mmm!

Grandpa Longneck: Littlefoot, who screamed? Is everyone okay?

(Spike grunts as everyone watches the grass rustle in anticipation)

MarzGurl: (frustrated) Just get to the point, already!

(A strange creature comes out)

MarzGurl (vo): Uh, who's this guy?

Guido: Uh, yeah, that would be me. Hi, I'm really sorry if you were disturbed, not that anyone's saying you're disturbed, least of all me, I mean, you know, in the sense of being, uh, not all there. You're-you're obviously all there, I mean, just look at ya, you're a big, uh... (nervously chuckles)

Topsy: Some of us are trying to hatch eggs!

Guido: Oh! (whispers) Uh, oh, I'm sorry, lady, I didn't realize.

MarzGurl (vo): Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What's up with this Woody Allen impression going on? Is there some bigger joke that I'm completely missing?

Guido: Uh, they call me Guido.

MarzGurl (vo): Wow. Wow, just...oh, wow, his name is Guido? How did they get away with that? Have I been wrong in thinking that the term guido was used in a derogatory sort of fashion this whole time? Oh, okay, so apparently, this species of ancient creatures...

(A picture of a Microraptor gui fossil is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): ...is categorized as a Microraptor gui. Okay, that halfway explains the guido thing.

(More clips are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): But I still think it's really pushing it. But wait, wait, wait, isn't Woody Allen Jewish? Where the hell did they get the idea to make Guido speak like a Jew? Is Woody Allen an Italian Jew? I don't think he is, this character is a horrible mishmash of nothing! What is wrong with this character? Why is he even here? Well, maybe they made it this horrible mishmash on purpose, because apparently, Guido's the only one of his kind, at least, as far as he knows, and he has a hard time fitting in with anybody. He doesn't know if he's a longneck, a swimmer, a club tail or what, never mind that you can just look at him and tell that he's none of those things. Oh, did I mention they start singing about being one of a kind?

Petrie: (singing) One of a kind, me think me like to be one of a kind / it very nice to be the only me, up in the sky

MarzGurl (vo): Well, needless to say, after all this time has passed, Petrie still sucks at flying as a group and he feels rather left out as the black sheep of his family. That's when he gets a great idea!

Guido: Oh, I get it, you figure that if I'm living with your family, maybe the two of us can not fit in together.

Petrie: Well, yeah.

MarzGurl (vo): He brings Guido home and Guido immediately precedes to make the most mature of racial slurs ever heard.

Guido: Hey, hey, fellas ,c'mon, give him a break. I mean, uh, uh, of course, he gets confused when he flies with you. Your rear ends look just like your faces, so uh, how can he tell which way to go?

(pause; Petrie's siblings begin to laugh)

MarzGurl (vo): And they all laugh it off, all of them, even the mother! What sort of crazy backward mixed-up universe is this?! Oh yeah, during all this, Cera's little sister is born (Tricia) and now even less attention is paid to her than before, you know, nothing new. But it's not like you're gonna get away from it that easily, not without a musical interlude, anyway.

(music starts)

Cera: (singing) Just when your life is perfect, everything's looking bright / You're with your friends till daylight ends, and safe in your nest at night

MarzGurl (vo): Geez, wasn't I just talking about a song a few short seconds ago?

MarzGurl: Yeah, I mean it's, like, with all the time that's passed in this movie, nothing has actually really happened.

MarzGurl (vo): Seems to be the story of The Land Before Time series as a whole; so much of a time sink, and yet, nothing of value ever happens. Anyway, Guido takes it upon himself to coach Petrie into being a group flyer, and it seems to work out just fine. Now, you may find yourself wondering for just a brief moment, what makes Guido so good at being a flying coach? Then you realize he has feathers, you dolt! At the same time, though, nobody at this point in the movie, including Guido, has any idea that he can fly, so what makes anybody, including himself, think that he's qualified enough to be a flying coach? Well, it doesn't matter, Petrie is flying well and The Day of the Flyers is tomorrow! Time to get some rest...or is it? Suddenly, Guido starts sleepwalking. Yeah, okay, that's a logical story progression: sleepwalking.

Petrie: (whisper shouts) Guido! How you get out there?

MarzGurl (vo): How did he get out there? He walked, we all saw it!

Petrie: Hey, where he go, where he go?!

Littlefoot: There he is! Hey, how'd he do that?

MarzGurl (vo): What? How did he do what? He's still just walking! Anyway, everybody follows him and keeps him from walking straight into danger, which includes something totally ridiculous.

(A log starts to breaks off a cliff)

Cera: Littlefoot, jump!

(Littlefoot runs and jumps in slow motion, with the caption xXx 2! below him)

Littlefoot: Ahh, ugh!

MarzGurl (vo): Until suddenly, he starts sleep flying. Yep, sleep flying. That's also a total logical story progression: sleep flying. Where does he fly himself to? Straight over the walls of the Great Valley, into the Mysterious Beyond, and right on top of a Sharptooth!

MarzGurl: Yeah, because you know, they're can't just be one movie in this whole series that doesn't involve: leaving the Great Valley, ending up in the Mysterious Beyond, and fighting with a Sharptooth! What, was this going to be too much work for you to deviate from this Land Before Time formula?!

MarzGurl (vo): Petrie dives in and saves the day, leading the Sharptooth to a pair of rocks, which it precedes to get stuck in. Wait, wait, it's stuck? Look at this guy, look at these rocks, does he actually look stuck to you? He couldn't crouch down, he could've backed up, what, is he completely insistent on going forward so much that he can't think to crouch or back up? Even animals know how to worm their way out of holes.

MarzGurl: Movie, what's wrong with you?!

MarzGurl (vo): They bring Guido back who can't remember how he even got to the Mysterious Beyond to begin with. How cute. Petrie manages to get back just in time for his Day of the Flyers thing, except now, he has this new philosophy.

Petrie: Me got better idea. Me be like me!

MarzGurl (vo): Yes, because an extremely important event where you have to prove you can work as a coordinated group judged by three adult experienced flyers gives you plenty of leeway to just be yourself, and yet, despite the fact that he went through all that practice, and we all know he can fly as a coordinated group, he decides to screw everything up on purpose! Oh, and here's the amazing thing, his entire family hated him for not being able to fly as a group before, but now they love him and all decide to start flying loop-de-loops and crap all over the place! Even the judges seem to be getting into this.

Petrie and his siblings: (singing) Flip flap, flip flap and fly! / Flip flap, flip flap and fly

Petrie's mom: (singing) You never know what you can do until you try

MarzGurl (vo): What kind of craziness is this?! What was even the point of all that training and practice?! How is any judge ever going to be okay with this? Well, they all are, and apparently, The Day of the Flyers is forever changed because Petrie just couldn't handle being restricted to group activities. That is such bull!

MarzGurl: Oh, but our movie's not over yet, we need just one more perilous scene!

MarzGurl (vo): Cera's new little sister falls in a river, you know, because she's dumber than a toddler like that. Guido flies in and saves the day.

Guido: Gotcha! (He struggles to hold Tricia, but they both end up falling in the river)

MarzGurl (vo): Or doesn't. Whatever. Petrie and family fly in to save the two, and despite the fact that Guido only made the load heavier, he gets thanked for the rescue mission. What is wrong with everybody in the Great Valley?! So they state that Petrie and family have to retake The Day of the Flyers, but they never show them actually doing so. So do they pass their test or what? Nobody knows!

Narrator: Many changes had occurred on this day of changes.

MarzGurl (vo): "Many changes had occurred on this day of changes"?

MarzGurl: That's like saying,"Many redundancies occurred on this day of redundancy!"

MarzGurl (vo): And that's our ending, and again, like many of the movies before it, it just seems like so much is happening without anything really happening at all. I can only make the same gripes so many times: bad CG effects, bad pacing, and reusing the Mysterious Beyond and Sharptooths as elements of danger. There isn't a single exciting thing in this movie; even things that would try to trick you into thinking they're exciting aren't. The kids almost fall off a log into a fissure, but when does that ever not happen in this series?

MarzGurl: Well, it's almost time, you guys. Only one movie left to go. It's been a long haul...and I just wonder...what's waiting for us on the other side.

(We fade out as the credits are shown with Ave Satani playing)