Some Jerk With A Camera: ABC Goes To Disney World!

[Preface]

[Jerk is trying to open a door, but can’t. He then looks at the key holes on doors]

Jerk: Luscious locks! [Turns to the camera] Oh hi, Some Jerk With A Camera here. Remember the 1990s? That magical decade when Kurt Corbain became King of Pride Rock, Bill Clinton had an affair with a Velociraptor, and Quentin Tarantino sold Bart Simpson’s soul for pogs in the wica-wica Wild Wild West. Well, that was also the decade in which Disney acquired ABC and before you knew it, it seemed like every ABC sitcom family was doing “Let’s go to Disney World!” episodes. Well a couple years ago, I decided to review these episodes [beat] all of them.

[Cut to The “Boy Meets World” episode, “The Happiest Show On Earth.” Cory Matthews and Shawn Hunter awake from the Splash Mountain logs]

Shawn Hunter: Best night’s sleep I’ve ever had! Do you think they sell these [The log cart] in the gift shop?

Jerk: {his eyes are wider] All of them.

[Cut to the “Step By Step” episode, “We’re going to Disney World (Part 1)”]

Karen Foster: [To her step sister Al] You know who the perfect hunk is? Prince Charming, I’d like to party at his castle!

Jerk: [Closer to camera and speaks in a tone of voice that we should be afraid] ALL OF THEM!

[Cut to the “Full House” episode, “House Meets The Mouse (Part 1)”]

Joey Gladstone: [To characters of Donald Duck and Goofy] That would be real cool, you know! Maybe we could get Pluto and Minnie and we could drink out of those little cups and, you know, put our pinkies up and a…

[Joey laughs as Jerk looks scared, but then returns to normal.]

Jerk: It quickly snowballed into my biggest retrospective ever. So ‘big’ in fact, I devoted an entire 10-minute introductory episode just to explaining the concept, which is literally just explained in [Dubbed over] 71 [Normal] seconds. Here that episode is, 1st released on May 24, 2013, before I really knew what I was getting into, endure!

[We fade out and back to the Original episode, Jerk is in front of a painting of Disney castle.]

Jerk: To all who come to this happy place, welcome, I’m Some Jerk With A Camera!

{We zoom in on the castle and transiton to a shot of the real castle]

Jerk [v/o]: For millions of people, Walt Disney World is a home away from home, while [Cut to a TV that shows the intos for “Full House,” “Family Matters,” “Roseanne,” “Step By Step,” ‘Boy Meets World,” and “Sabrina: The Teenage Witch”] clean, family-friendly, primetime sitcoms are a smaller home within that home. Both of them symbols of comfort, cleanliness, and stability and entertainment with tremendous appeal among small children and adults with the IQs of small children alike.

Jerk: So, it was only natural that at some point, the 2 forces would combine. It was only unnatural that they were combined 6 different times in 5 years [beat] on the exact same network [beat] which, by complete coincidence, Disney owned.

[Cut to a clip from the stand up of Bill Hicks]

Bill Hicks: But, there’s no connection there. You’d be a fool and a communist to make one!

[Cut to a promo for ABC]\

Kid: [Shouts} ABC!

Jerk [V/O} ABC, the very name of the network implies the most basic, remedial, childlike simplicity of [Cut to a clip from “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle,” where people watch blank/colorless eyes and smiles] an opiate from masses of underdeveloped brains seeking a voice to tell them what to do, how to think, and where to laugh at, namely everything!

[Cut a clip from “Full House”]

Michelle Tanner: [With a mouth full of food to Stephanioe] I can’t talk with my mouth full! [laugh track]

[Cut to a clip from 1998s “Godzilla”]

Nick Tatopoulos: That’s a lot of fish! [Laugh track]

[Cut to a clip from “The Lion King”, Simba finds Mufasa’s body]

Simba: Dad? [Laugh track] Dad, come one. [Laugh track. Simba uses his head to Mafasa’s] You’ve got to get up. [Laugh track and applause. He’s sad] Dad? We’ve got to go home.

[We cut to some of those audience members laughing, one of them being Jerk. Cut to footage of Walt Disney to The Jackson 5’s “ABC.”]

Jerk [v/o]: Disney’s involvement with the alphabet network stretches all the way back to 1954, when ABC was but a fledgling Dumont network spin-off with 13 affiliates and a logo that kind of looks like a Nazi emblem [It was the ABC circle with a big eagle behind it with a lightning bolt in its mouth]. They needed a new logo and a big name [Footage of Adolf Hitler is shown], preferably not that big.

[Cut to the “Disneyland TV Series”]

Announcer: Your host, Walt Disney.

Jerk [v/o]: Eh, close enough. And Walt needed money to build his theme park in a nation wide forum to promote it. So, the “Disneyland TV Series” was born and the self-serving documentaries Walt made about new Disney products made for such compelling TV at the time, that Walt basically won Emmys for informercials.

[Cut to footage Disneyland, but looking like it’s an old VHS recording. The Size of the video is the size a fullscreen square. A caption goes across the bottom of the screen several times, saying: “This is a paid advertisment. Do not copy. Emmy Screener”]

Infomercial Host [v/o, played by Charlie Callahan/Spazz Master]: [Always speaks in a charismatic voice] Tired of the thrill-full drudgeries of ROLLER COASTERS?

Woman [Played by Morgan Funder/The Wire]: There’s got to be a better way! Infomercial Host [v/o]: Introducing: “Disneylandia!” A coast of free of experiences guaranteed to enhance your life!

[Cut to Jerk and Il Nege]

Il Nege: Wait, wait, wait, so, you’re telling me an amusement park can actually enhance my life?

Jerk: Who are you?

Infomercial Host: [Waves off screen to Il Nege] I’m over here!

Il Nege: [Turn to his left, to the Infomercial Host] Wait, wait, wait, so, you’re telling me an amusement park can actually enhance my life?

Infomercial Host: Why, just listen to these convincing testimonies! [Cut to the testimonies of…]

Rosenhacker: Thanks to Disneylandia, I learned to believe on everything! [Gives a thumbs up.]

Mikey Insanity: [In a monotone voice] I learned to be happy and smile more.

Infomercial Host: I learned exactly why God kills people!

Jerk: [Confused] What’s a “Disneylandia?”

[Cut to a split screen of Infomercial Host, The Woman/Wire, Rosenhacker, and an upside down character of Chip.]

All 4: Thank, Disneylandia!

[Cut back to Jerk, grossed out by the filter, puts his hand to his forehead and pulls off the VHS recoding filter, reverting the shot back to normal as he throws the remains of the filter away and bumps the black bars of the side from full screen to widescreen.]

Jerk: So, anyway…

Jerk [v/o]: After producing several massive hit shows for ABC, Walt was lured away to NBC in 1961 by the promise of a wonderful world of living color and the mouse had very little to do with ABC until the 1980s when a former ABC senior vice president named “Oh God, Him Again” [A.k.a. Michael Eisner], became the new CEO of Disney. Apparently, Eisner still had a fondness for his old workplace, because before long, Disney was producing more and more content for the American Broadcasting Company. He even personally stepped into Walt’s frozen shoes by hosting ABC’s “Disney Sunday Movie” every week.

[Cut to the “Disney Sunday Movie,” Eisner and a Mickey Mouse Character are in one of the gondola lifts of the Skyway ride.]

Michael Eisner: I’m here with my friend, Mickey, at Walt Disney World in Florida to introduce a spectacular, academy award-winning motion picture, “Mary Poppins”

Jerk: [Looking up] Oh crap, the Skyway’s stuck again. [Looks around] Could someone get a ladder before one of them eats the other? If Mickey finds out how tasty Jews are, we’re all doomed! [Looks back up] Oh, too late. [Looks at the camera] So, who wants to let me live in their attic? [laugh track.]

Jerk [v/o]: Finally, in the mid-90s, Eisner fulfilled his destiny in life by acquiring the Roman alphabet’s 1st three letters wholesale as a Disney subsidiary and suddenly, more and more ABC primetime sitcoms were sending their characters to the happiest place on Walt Disney World, Walt Disney World!

[Cut to Various clips of People saying Disney World from ABC shows and other things]

Steve Urkel: I’m Going to Disney World!

Sabrina Spellman: We’re going to Disney World!

Roseanne Connor: Disney World.

Cory Matthews: Disney World.

Rebecca Katsopollis: Disney World

Frank Lambert’s Mom: Disney World

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Edina Monsoon: Disney World.

[Burn Notice]

Sam Axe: Disney World.

Madeline Westen: Disney World?

[Captain Ron]

Captain Ron Rico: Disney World.

[Marvin’s Room]

Lee Lacker: Disney World.

Hank Lacker: You know, I could give a fuck about Disney World!

Lee Lacker: Ok, that’s it!

[Post 9/11 Speech]

George W. Bush: Disney World.

[Standup]

Patton Oswalt: DISNEY WORLD!

Jerk: Disney World…land…whatever, [Shouts to someone offscreen] Cue the laugh track!

[Laugh Track. We then go into a parody of 90s sitcom intos that starts with the Full House Theme, but then combines all 6 sitcom themes. Jerk recreates poses of “Starring…” from the various sitcoms, it’s all Jerk, except one of Spazz Master, but Jerk pushes him aside. The intro/montage closes with a moving shot of Jerk sticking his head out of a car as they cross the Golden Gate Bridge. We then cut to footage of Disney World and the sitcoms to Lindsey Buckingham’s “Holiday Road.”]

Jerk [v/o]: With a vacation empire and a broadcast network at Disney’s disposal, the mid-90s became a synergistic golden age of when sitcoms left the comfort of their Burbank soundstages to shoot on location at Disney World!

Jerk: Once again, trying to win Emmys for infomercials and just think, they might’ve succeeded if they tried to shoot at the parks, guerilla-style, without permission, entirely in black and white. That gets you all kinds of critical acclaim, apparently. {He laughs then notices the scene is now in a black and white filter.] Did it just get artsier out here? [He notices 2 teenage French girls skipping and singing “Frere Jacques”] I’m getting uncomfortable, It’s too smart! [Runs away.]

Jerk [v/o]: Oh, that’s better. The basic format and clichés of all these episodes arguably started on a very special episode of “Blossom” on NBC, in which they all go to Disneyland and for some reason, Elvis [Presley] was involved.

[Cut to Jerk in front of one of Disney World’s public bathrooms.]

Jerk: Because apparently, Disney acquired Elvis too and [points to the bathrooms behind him.] that is the very ladies room he dies in. Some say his spirit still haunts the place. Others say ‘there ain’t enough Summers Eve on God’s green Earth to wipe out the scent.’ And still, others say he actually faked his own death. Benjamin Button-ed himself after about 12 years, grew his hair real long and got into the lucrative field of internet reviewing. Ha ha, those crazy rumors! [He then takes off his glasses, looks seriously at the camera and speaks in a southern accent.] You know, they don’t shoot me below the waist neither. [The screen turns black and white again, as he then starts dancing to the beginning of Elvis Presley’s “Jailhouse Rock.”]

Jerk [v/o]: [Normal voice.] But it was on ABC that this sub-sub-sub-genre truly flourished! In the space of 5 years, no fewer than 6 ABC primetime sitcoms dragged their characters all the way to Florida and evidently, their live-studio audiences tagged along.

[We cut to various examples of the sitcoms doing jokes at Disney World, but there’s still recorded laugh tracks. We see another show of Jerk in an audience laughing.]

Jerk: [To someone off screen] Can we go ride rides now?

ABC Executive [v/o]: No, we’re paying you to laugh, not to have fun! [Jerk returns to laughing at the sitcoms.]

Jerk [v/o]: And better yet, 4 of these sitcoms did 2-parters at Disney World, that’s a total of 10 and a half  hours of Disney World commercials. Can you even imagine Disney World advertised at you so insistently? Even without other…

[Cut to a Blip.tv Disney World commercial. Caption at the bottom reads: “Rollover for summer savings at Walt Disney World Resort!”]

Announcer: This summer, imagine the perfect Walt Disney World vacation without…

[The Commercial explodes, as we see Jerk with his hands on a TNT plunger, smiling.]

Jerk [v/o]: Even without other shorter commercials, that’s still almost 4 hours television.

[Cut to Jerk in The Wire’s reviewing space, which is the living room inside a black and white TV.]

Jerk: And I’m gonna review them all with help from that ever knowledgeable expert of the magical glowing rectangle box, The Wire of ‘An Idiots Lantern…’ [Notices she’s not there. He looks around.] Wire? Wire?

[We cartoon statically cut to The Wire at Disneyland.]

The Wire: [Looks at her phone.] They made a “Beauty And The Beast” movie?

Jerk: [Still at her home] For God’s sake, Wire! Now you’re going to Disneyland without me?

Wire: Sorry, I thought we were meeting at the park, you know, like we always do.

Jerk: They kicked my out for my Elvis dance, the bloody philistines. Also, I drunkenly urinated on the Walt statue. Also, it’s a Blockout day.

Wire: See, that’s just what you get for the gate, like a sucker. [She folds her arms in happiness, but then see off screen…] Disney cops! Got to run, bye! [Zooms out of frame.]

Jerk: Um, how do I get out of here [The TV]?

Wire: [While running] I don’t know, review something! Preferably, something so hideous and shameful that the TV vomits you back out!

Jerk: But, I already mentioned “Blossom.” [Continues talking to us.] The 1stABC sitcom to have its characters take a trip to Walt Disney World [Cut to the TV he’s in] was a 2-part season finale of “Full House.” [The TV vomits out something. He awakes in front of the actual “Full House” house.] Ah, that’s better. Where am I anyway? [Turns around, sees said house, and screams! We then cut to the end credits. Mid-way through, we cut to him still outside the house] It’s too full. [Goes up to the camera, shakes it around, and screams] THE HOUSE IS TOO FULL! [Whispers] We’re all gonna die!

[After that we back the credits. After the credits, we cut to a 50s ending of an ABC film.]

Announcer: This has been an ABC network film presentation!

[We the cut to a deleted scene from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”]

Randal Graves: See man, if you were funnier than that, ABC would’ve never canceled us. Dante Hicks: What?
 * Referring to the short-lived “Clerks: Animated Series” that was on ABC.

Randal Graves: Nothing [Continues to read his magazine.]

[The End]