Double Dragon

NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Folks, why is it movies based on video games always seem to suck monkey tits? I mean think about it.

Montage of posters for other bad video game movies NC (voiceover): Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros. Even films like The Wizard that just talks about video games always seem to suck.

NC: For whatever reason, they're certainly not getting any better. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the festering elephant puke that Hollywood seems to have entitled Double Dragon.

NC (voiceover): A movie so bad, that I can't even come up with a clever analogy to properly describe how bad it is.

NC: Well, I'll try. IT'S THE MOST SHIT SMACKING, WHORE EATING DISGUSTING PIECE OF RETRO ASS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! No...that still doesn't seem to sum up how bad it is! But hell, anyone can talk about it. It's quite a different thing to actually experience it. So let's take a gander!

Footage of the video game NC (voiceover): First, a little history. Double Dragon was an arcade game in the 80s that was a simple, side-scroller beat 'em up adventure. Nothing too complicated, just beating the shit out of any annoying punk who crossed your path. God bless senseless violence. The game was so popular that they also made a Nintendo version, which was one of the highest grossing games for the NES.

NC: With a game so popular, Hollywood producers QUICKLY put their minds together and came up with the idea to make a movie about it. ...seven years later.

Footage of the movie NC (voiceover): I mean come on, by this time you could get Double Dragon in toy dispensers, it's not like this was at the height of its popularity. But oh well, maybe the idea for the movie was just so good that it could cross the boundaries of the zeitgeist and give us one Hell of a timeless classic.

NC: (laughing) But I really doubt it.

NC (voiceover): So the film starts off with this bullshit.

Narrator: Thousands of years ago, a great race of shadow warriors terrorized the city of Shang-Sao. The good king sacrificed himself to create a mystical medallion. The king split it in half. This is the legend of the Double Dragon.

NC: No. This is the plot to Surf Ninjas.

NC (voiceover): I love how they identify the location by just saying "Somewhere in China," like no one wanted to actually do research about where this shitty-ass movie took place.

NC: Where's this all happening? Uh, somewhere...in China!

NC (voiceover): So we see a bunch of ninjas beating the crap out of a bunch of Chinese monks as one of them hides in a cave where the worship the Yogurt statue from Spaceballs.

Yogurt: SILENCE!

NC (voiceover): It turns out the monk was going for the Double Dragon medallion, but it's taken away from him by he evil, sadistic, sinister, slimy- The ninja takes off her mask, revealing it's a woman

NC: Hottest ninja I've ever seen in my life!

NC (voiceover): She takes the medallion back to Robert Patrick, who plays the Vanilla Ice 1000. It turns out he is the evil ruler of New Angeles, which takes place in the futuristic world of TWO THOUSAND SEVEN!

NC: Oh yeah, I remember that year. When global warming flooded the entire earth, nuclear missiles destroyed all the major cities, and then within one year's time, we cleaned it all up! Funny couple of months, I wrote a lot in my calendar those days I can tell ya!

NC (voiceover): So it turns out that New Angeles is a crime-ridden hellhole where earthquakes occur every couple of seconds, criminals rule the streets and the police never come out after dark.

NC: How is that any different from the Old Angeles?

NC (voiceover): In the city we meet the Lee brothers, Jimmy and Bill. They meet every Wednesday at the Karate Kid reenactment guild where they practice their infamous karate moves. Like the fire-blazing dropkick, the fearsome raging roundhouse, and the fatal demon-head noogie of doom! It's a terrible world where crimnals wave their fingers at you, little people do...whatever the hell this is, and news programs are hosted by George Hamilton and Vanna White. Wait, what?

Vanna: I always get them mixed up, whether to go forward or backward.

George: That's great Vanna.

NC: ...did you just randomly flip through a phonebook and land your finger on some celebrity's name, I mean what the hell?! George Hamilton and Vanna White, why? There's no point, they have no connection whatsoever, I mean what's next, Andy Dick as the weather man? Yep.

Andy Dick: Oh boy, you two are crazy!

NC: ...what is this, the film version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

Vanna: Madonna's in the news. She held a press conference in Old York today where she said her marriage to Tom Arnold is finished.

NC: Ah yes, don't you just love those timeless jokes that will never become dated? Madonna and Tom Arnold...God, it's like their sensitive writing skills can see into the future!

NC (voiceover): So after that bit of non-sequitir theater, we watch as Jimmy and Bill pick up their random Asian friend Satori. They get pulled over by an evil gang known as the Mohawks.

NC: By the way, to all those morons who are trying to bring this look back, just remember:

One of the lamer (and that's saying something) Mohawk members from the movie, with an arrow pointing to him and the spoken words displayed on screen Announcer: This could be you!

NC (voiceover): Bill does a quick file-check on the gang's leader.

Bill: The head dick over there is Bo Abobo.

NC: Uh, I'm sorry, but what was up with that mug shot? Cut back to the mugshot, which is a badly looped laugh clip of Bo Abobo

NC: ...is that just the new format? Making all criminals honk like a goose, I mean what's the point? God, imagine if I had a mugshot like that.

John Walsh: We're on the hunt for a bigshot in the Gambino crime family who even John Gotti fears. A similar looped laugh clip (complete with double middle fingers) of NC

NC (voiceover): So the Blowhawks chase our heroes down all throughout the streets of New Angeles. Look at this car, not one thing about it is original. It's got the fire engine from the Batmobile, the computer from Knight Rider, the design of the Ghostbusters' car and it even runs on Mr. Fusion from Back to the Future.

NC: Why don't you just throw in the Hal 9000 while you're at it?

Jimmy: Can't you get us goin' any faster?

Computer: I'm sorry Dave, but you're completely hosed.

Bo Abobo: Oh I get it, ugly, ugly. Hahahahahahaha!

NC: (mockingly) Hahahahaha, I'm just a compilement of random violence, hahahahahahaha!

More scenes of idiot Mohawk members laughing NC (voiceover): Jesus, these guys will laugh at anything.

NC: (mimicking one of them) Hey, next week I'm getting a root canal, hahahahahahahahaha! Hey, I just found out, I have cancer, hahahahahahahaha

NC (voiceover): I think my favorite scene is when the heroes use a map to block out the Mohawks' vision. So what do they do? They use a tele-tracker camera to send a virtual reality simulation into their car so they can use an alternate way of steering.

NC: That's a really clever idea guys, really top notch. But, did you ever consider the possibility of maybe simply just removing the map with your FUCKING HAND?!

NC (voiceover): I mean what, there's no windshield technology in the future anymore?

NC: I mean it'd be easier just to build a robotic arm to come out and remove the map for you! But what do you expect when you're using this high-tech 2007 technology?

NC (voiceover): So our heroes get stuck at a dead end where it looks like the Mohawks have the advantage. But another gang called the Power Corp protects them as their gang leader, who I think is skipping grade school to be in this movie, tells the Mohawks to piss off. (pretending to speak in her voice) "No one interrupts our street rendition of Godspell." So our heroes return to their home, in an old abandoned theater, where Satori tells the two boys about the medallion she keeps around her neck, that apparently the boys' father gave to her.

Satori: Your father was in the excavation when it collapsed. He gave this to me in Shang-sao...with a warning. He said the mystical powers of the dragon are far too dangerous for one person to possess.

NC: Wasn't the original plot of Double Dragon someone punches a chick in the stomach and two guys have to go rescue her? What, was that story just too complex for the writers to figure out?

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we see that the Mohawks' leader, Bo Abobo--yes, that IS his real name--is working for the Vanilla Ice 1000, who wishes to get the other half of the Double Dragon medallion. He's joined by two Mexican bellhops and dominatrix Barbie who help him in his evil plan by visiting the Lee brothers' home.

NC: Oh good, punch her in the stomach and take her away, will ya? We're trying to get this movie off the ground!

Satori: Geissman!

Geissman: No one has called me Geissman in many years. But, like a phoenix, rising from the ashes-

NC: You're incredibly flaming?

Geissman: I have ascended.

NC: Is that code for coming out of the closet?

NC (voiceover): So they all have a nice big chase in the abandoned theater where they perform some incredible stunt scenes that Indiana Jones WISHES he could imitate. A really lame stunt, which even in the movie ends in failure NC (voiceover): I always love how small round objects always seem to have mystical ass-kicking powers in these movies, wouldn't they just walk over them?

Bill slams a suitcase shut on a bad guy's head Bill: What a headcase.

NC: What a headcase, come on, there's a million other bad puns you could throw in this fight scene!

Each pun is accompanied by the appropriate clip NC (voiceover): It's curtains for you! May I sweep you off your feet? Ball's in your court. It's time to get pinned!

NC: God, even their bad dialogue is bad! You'd think logically that means that it should be good, but it's not! It's still bad!

NC (voiceover): In the middle of this scene, the Ice 1000 reveals his plan, forgetting that when you turn your back, it gives the enemy ample time to hurt you! Satori kicks him through a prop

NC: Doi! Geissman leaps to his feet but appears to come back through the prop he was kicked through NC: Wait, did he just jump through the same painting twice? It would certainly appear that way... NC: Okay, I guess one of the Double Dragon's special powers is art restoration!

NC (voiceover): Things head up when the gang leader Abobo gets an upgrade and is transformed into Fat Bastard's retarded pimple covered cousin! ''A clip of Abobo is overdubbed with the "Get in my belly!" line'' NC (voiceover): This giant, powerful, unstoppable monster is defeated by a punching bag-

NC: Kay...

NC (voiceover): But the Ice 1000 has used his mystical powers to trap Satori and burn down the theater.

Jimmy: We've gotta get Satori free1

NC: Oh jeez, what would Macguyver do in this situation? Well he'd use the curtain in the back to tie together a couple sandbags that would level out the weight on the other side of the- Satori kicks the lock and the door opens NC: Or he would just kick the door...

NC (voiceover): So seriously, they showed off their fight moves, they showed Vanilla Ice can turn into a shadow puppet, but when is the story gonna begin? When are they gonna kidnap the woman and take her away like in the game?

NC: I'm sick of your stalling movie, it's time that you do something with that woman. DO SOMETHING WITH THAT WO- The theater blows up, Jimmy and Bill are thrown free, but Satori...not so much NC: Well that was...harsh.

NC (voiceover): Alas, poor Satori, I hardly knew her. Seriously, I have no idea who she was! Was she their sister, their mother, their friend, what?

NC: Well she's just a smear of ash on the sidewalk now, as the two brother continue on, trying to protect the medallion without her.

Bill: Jimmy, Satori's gone-

Jimmy: Get over it! Satori's gone and there's nothin' we can do to bring her back, but she should've told us about the dragon a long time ago, she dumped the whole thing on us, as usual.

NC: Wait, I hope he didn't write her eulogy.

NC (voiceover): Unfortunately they come across ANOTHER gang who, of course, wanna beat the crap out of them. They have to fight evil nasties like a Robin Williams mime,- The mime gets beaten NC (voiceover): A yodeling boy in lederhosen- He gets beaten too NC (voiceover): Rick James- You guessed it NC (voiceover): And of course, the sinister postman who randomly leaps off of tall buildings for no reason!

Postman: Special delivery! (he falls off; overdubbed by NC) Maybe this wasn't such a hot ideaaaaa! When he hits the ground, the words "Air Mail" come up on screen

There's a scene of Jimmy and Bill celebrating, and the music makes an odd noise NC: Wait, did the music just belch? Yeah NC: God, even the musical score can't keep it's lunch down watching this!

NC (voiceover): Is it me, or are all these gangs starting to look like Halloween costume rejects? I keep expecting to see Mickey Mouse at any point.

An image of someone in a Mickey costume is superimposed over a scene Mickey Mouse: Haha, go for the jugular!

NC (voiceover): Next they get in a speedboat and race across the river. Yeah, remember THAT from the game? How about the Hollywood tourboat that blocks their way. Remember THAT from the game too? So their boat blows up, of course not leaving a scratch on them, and they try to figure out whether or not they should go to the Power Corp gang to ask for help.

Bill: We need help.

Jimmy: I'm not gonna ask Mary for help.

Bill: Fine, then I'll ask her.

Jimmy: Good, then ask her.

Bill: I'm gonna!

Jimmy: Ask her!

Bill: I'm gonna!

NC: Oh will you just propose to him already?

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the two Mexican bellhops, after filming a double-mint gum commercial, reveal that they lost the location of the Lee brothers. But Ice takes it well.

Geissman: I JUST WANT TOTAL DOMINATION OF ONE MAJOR AMERICAN CITY!

NC: (sigh) Alright...

M. Bison: OF COURSE!

NC: I'll never get sick of that joke.

NC (voiceover): So the Lee brothers find the location of the Power Corp, only to find out it's not quite as menacing as they thought it would be. The hideout is very colorful, and full of children in ridiculous outfits NC (voiceover): Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese, asshole!

NC: Kids! It turns out that Power Corp is just kids.

NC (voiceover): But on the bright side, they did manage to capture the villain's assistant Abobo. Subjecting him to the horrible torture of...feeding him spinach?

Mary: A special spinach diet.

NC: This is like waterboarding, by Popeye. A drawing of Popeye is superimposed over Abobo's torture

Popeye: We're gonna have to give up some of our personal freedoms. (Popeye laugh)

NC (voiceover): But Ice 1000 breaks into Willy Wonka's factory and tries to get back his half of the medallion. This SHOULD be suspenseful, but I can't tell which gang members are supposed to be which. These morons are just one Indian short of the village people. There's one scene where the Power Corp's leader is confronted by dominatrix Barbie.

"Barbie:" Now who's the boss?

NC: Oh boy this is gonna be hot! It cuts to scenes of other people fighting, who get in between the girls NC: Dammit man, you ruined my girl on girl action!

NC (voiceover): I guess we do get a scene where she ties her to a pole with her own whip, though.

Mary: You're lucky. Generally I put people in the hospital.

NC: (lecherously) Yes yes, now cover her in whip cream and maple syrup, dress her up in a sailor's uniform, put her in clown make-up, make her prance around singing On the Good Ship Lollipop and then- wow, I have issues.

NC (voiceover): But the Ice 1000 comes in and possesses Bill's brother, Jimmy. He raises his hands, which somehow silences the chaotic mob, and challenges Billy to either hand over the medallion or watch his brother die. So Billy backs him off into a corner where he threatens to- WAIT A MINUTE! Billy is standing in front of a Double Dragon arcade machine NC (voiceover): The Double Dragon arcade game is right behind him?

NC: THAT. MAKES. NO. SENSE!!! How can you make a Double Dragon arcade game movie, based on the Double Dragon arcade game, if the arcade game is in the background? ...has everybody lost their minds? It's like seeing Frodo in J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings movies, READING the book, J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings! IT MAKES. NO. SENSE! The movie's universe should've just imploded!

NC (voiceover): They're just moseying along, saying their dialogue until- "Does Not Compute" is displayed over the footage, and the movie implodes NC (voiceover): So it turns out they destroy the game--how obvious a metaphor--and manage to get the villain out of Jimmy's body. "Thanks bro, you gave me back my dignity to do Iron Chef America." But the villain--looking nothing like the T-1000 here--now has both halves of the medallion, giving him the incredible ability to turn into...these...two...guys.

NC: That's a pretty lame medallion.

NC (voiceover): But of course the heroes get the medallion back by doing a ballerina spin, and put it together to become powerful themselves. ...didn't I see the Wonder Twins do this once? ''"Wonder Twin Powers Activate!" is played over the scene of the boys activating the medallion'' NC (voiceover): And so they transform themselves into the fearsome duo of...Siegfried and Roy?

Santori's ghost: Destiny has brought together the Double Dragons. Guard them...as I guarded you. NC slams his head into the desk

NC: Oh thanks, motherly...sisterish...acquaintance?

NC (voiceover): So they defeat the villain, he gets dragged off to jail and he makes his big sinister revenge speech at the end.

Geissman: You think I'm bad...wait'll you meet my lawyers!

Cut to NC, sitting in a late night talk show set, holding cue cards NC: Hahaha, Robert Patrick everybody, Robert Patrick. I tell ya, that kid is goin' places.

NC (voiceover): Bottom line? This movie is horrible. It's about as entertaining as colon cancer.

NC: No one in their right mind would, should, or COULD like this movie. (sigh) Maybe this is the time that filmmakers will wake up and realize that they have to work hard to make movies about video games interesting. You can't just make crap and expect it to be good. In fact, I think now's the time that filmmakers will stop worrying about money and simply concentrate on making decent, entertaining films about video games. May God strike me down if I'm wrong! He gets shot in the head again NC: (getting up momentarily) Is it me, or have I been dying a lot recently?