Blade

(We start off today's episode with a meeting in 1998 between executives from Marvel (Tamara Chambers and Jim Jarosz) and DC (Malcolm Ray and Doug Walker)

Tamara: All right, with the recent popularity of Blade and your recent disappointment with...Steel.

Malcolm: I really thought Shaquille O'Neal was going to be the next Mark Wahlberg.

Tamara: It just makes sense to discuss who'll get what going forward.

Doug: Yeah, that dark stuff with Blade worked pretty well. We're gonna try some of that.

Jim: Nope. Our next seven movies are gonna be cashing in on the dark stuff, destined to all be hits.

(Tamara presses a button on the projector remote to show those movies from Marvel are Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Elektra, Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Punisher, Hulk and Man-Thing)

Malcolm: But all we got is light-hearted crap coming up!

(DC's movies are Green Lantern, Catwoman, Superman Returns and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen)

Tamara: Well, that's why you have the Caped Crusader.

Doug: After Batman & Robin!?

Malcolm: Nobody's gonna want to see another Batman movie in years!

Tamara: Hey, we're switching it up, too. We got a colorful and corny Spider-Man movie coming up from the director of Evil Dead.

(The projector now shows a shot of Spider-Man and Green Goblin in Spider-Man 1. "SPIDERMAN. It's, uh...MEANT to be silly")

Jim: Yeah, it's not probably gonna break any records, but it should be a huge hit with the kids.

Doug: Fine, I guess we'll do another Batman movie even though there's no money in it.

Malcolm: Christ, years from now, everyone's gonna associate Marvel with dark and gritty and DC with bright and playful.

Doug: Right?

Tamara: Well, then, there should be no problem signing this television contract.

(Jim puts out a contract)

Malcolm: Wait, this is affecting our shows, too?

Tamara: Oh, yes.

Jim: See, all of your TV series will be upbeat and positive while all of ours are going to be depressing and harsh. They'll make you wanna kill yourself.

(DC's shows in this case being Supergirl, The Flash and Arrow while Marvel's shows are Jessica Jones, Blade: The Series and Daredevil 2015)

Doug: But what if we end up completely misunderstanding our audiences and we end up doing the exact opposite?

Tamara: It's okay. Our animation departments will fill in the blanks. We'll keep ours goofy and harmless while you keep yours complex and intriguing. With some exceptions.

(Marvel's side has Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H., Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers Assemble. DC has Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, Justice League and Young Justice. The exception is Teen Titans Go!.)

Malcolm: But what if somehow DC's material for children ends up doing more adult work than our material for adults?

(Tamara, Jim and even Doug laugh at the idea!)

Doug: Yeah, and they're gonna do a cartoon version of The Killing Joke with a hard R rating.

Tamara: That was bizarrely specific.

Doug: Yeah. So, anything else?

Jim: One more thing. Are you sure you don't want any of your shows to be tied to this new Netflix format that's getting a lot of buzz?

Doug: Yeah, like, anything's gonna kill cable. No, you guys can handle that.

Malcolm: Besides, we don't wanna be known as those guys that always copied Marvel.

Tamara: That is a very valid point. So anything else?

Jim: Yeah, what are our plans in terms of comics?

Doug: Pfft, who gives a shit?

Tamara: Yeah.

(And we come to the opening!)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Comic book movies have had a lot of ups and downs over the years.

(Shots of Batman (1989), Daredevil, Batman & Robin, The Phantom and Steel)

NC (vo): Sometimes they're on top of the world and sometimes they were Daredevil. But when comic book films were seen at their most unpopular, one little kickass movie came along and said, "Hey, not only am I gonna be awesome, but people are gonna completely overlook me when they say Deadpool was the first R rated comic book flick. (Posters of Dredd, Sin City, The Crow, Kick-Ass, Watchmen and 300 pop up) How do you sleep at night, Internet? How do you sleep at night?

NC: I'm, of course, talking about the late 90's hit, Blade.

(The logo for the film is shown, before showing clips)

NC (vo): When people talk about influence in recent comic book films, they usually go to (posters of) The Dark Knight or Avengers. But many forget this did play a big part in not only getting popularity back to the genre, but also creating a ton of tropes still used in comic book movies today. Written by David S. Goyer and directed by Stephen Norrington...

NC: (Posters for Batman v Superman and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) Two people you thought were gonna be comic book gods...

NC (vo): ...managed to turn out a movie pretty cool and badass while also being about as 90s as a commercial where "kids rule!" (Picture from Clarissa Explains It All) Does the classic coolness overrule the dated silliness?

NC: Well, let's see if this vampire spectacle sucks in a good way or bad way. This is Blade.

NC (vo): We open up with Blade's birth, seeing his mother slowly bleed to death. Always a pleasant start. The credits roll as you can tell already this movie has a bad case of the 90s simply by its sped up footage.

NC: It was a simpler time when we were so blown away by the fast forward button. (A clip of a Spice Girls video appears in the corner)

NC (vo): We see a woman driving her date to apparently a hot night club.

Man: So where are we going?

Woman: It's a surprise, baby.

Man: Yeah, I like surprises. Yeah.

NC: I'm just here to die or be saved. Character tool all the way! (A caption of CHARACTER TOOL appears while NC raises the roof)

NC (vo): They enter a club playing music that sounds like your Atari's trying to throw a rave. (Said music plays while a shot of Q*Bert is shown skipping to the music) When we come across an effect better than speeding up the footage...speeding up the footage with a white flash.

(Several shots of Mercury are shown along with those white flashes)

NC: Whoa! Our 90's minds can't handle this!

NC (vo): You're blowing us away with what we hid our computers for doing today! (The man from before notices blood dripping from the ceiling) But our midnight snack is about to get a surprise when he finds he's stumbled into a literal bloodbath.

Man: No! No!

NC (vo): I guess this is supposed to be scary, but nowadays, you'd probably just see this at any goth club.

NC: Dude, the blood is supposed to rain at 4. Right now you're supposed to be dangling the rubber gimps. (A picture of a man in a gimp suit is shown)

NC (vo): He finds all of them have vampire fangs...again, a usual non-scary occurrence at a goth club, when he comes across his knight in shining leather, Blade, played by Wesley Snipes.

(Clip from Demolition Man)

John Spartan: Phoenix!

Vampire: It's Blade! It's the Daywalker!

NC (vo): The vampires try their hardest to wave their fingers at him, but it doesn't work as he partakes in some pretty kickass fight scenes here.

(Blade proceeds to fight whatever vampires have gotten in his way, including staking one through the head into the ceiling)

NC: Damn, I'm possessed. Well, I can play the accordion, too!

(One vampire screams and twirls swords around, only to end up getting shot down by Blade)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, gun. That usually wins over swinging hooks.

(Blade continues to kill more vampires whose bodies disintegrate every time they die)

NC (vo): Even though their rotting remains are about as real as the rotting remains from a (clip from Spider Man 1) pumpkin bomb, these fight sequences are filled with the most awesome of implausibility.

(Blade tosses a bladed boomerang that comes back to him. The next shot reveals the three vampires that cornered him disintegrating)

(Clip from Robot Chicken)

Luke Skywalker: That's...very unlikely.

(Blade shoots a stake out to pin Quinn's right shoulder to the wall)

NC (vo): (as Blade) There, I give you footage for like 50 trailers.

(He stakes Quinn's right hand to the wall, then fist pumps)

NC: You know, for a character that's badass, that was a pretty dorky move.

NC (vo): You now join the ranks that (pictures of) Kevin McAllister, Data, and that weird baby meme have made timelessly awkward.

NC: I'm just going to assume you haven't seen the past 20 years of white media.

Blade: Getting a little tired of chopping you up. Thought I might try fire.

(Quinn is left to burn while he's staked to the wall. The man from before tries to run and gets stopped by Blade who checks his neck to make sure he's not bitten)

NC (vo): He sets him on fire while also saving the story pawn, as our extra crispy vampire is sent to the hospital. Here, Dr. Karen Jenson, played by N'Bushe Wright, is looking him over with another doctor she used to date.

Curtis: You ever have second thoughts about us?

Karen: Sometimes. But then I remember how much of an asshole you were.

Curtis: I'm trying. Really, I am.

Karen: It's over.

(Quinn's charred body gets up and bites into Curtis's neck)

NC: Well, that character backstory seemed really necessary.

NC (vo): (as Curtis) I still think we can work. No, really, there must be a reason for that romantic interest. It seemed completely pointless!

(Quinn sinks his fangs into Karen's neck, only to get punched in the face by Blade)

Blade: I came back to finish you off.

(Blade punches Quinn again)

NC: Yyyeah, this brings up a continuing question about the film.

NC (vo): Blade several times is given opportunities to kill off this character, Quinn, but he doesn't, resulting in tons of people either getting killed or maimed. Like over and over and over. Why does he have such a hard time killing this guy off?

(NC is writing into a diary with Blade's sunglasses on)

NC: (as Blade) Dear Diary, I almost killed Quinn off this time. But when I looked into his dreamy eyes I knew. (A harp plays as a picture of Quinn appears) I was a Quinn girl forever.

NC (vo): Blade is about to let the doctor die when his damned Oedipus complex kicks in, reminding him of his dying mother and he takes her to his hideout. There we come across world renowned Planet of the Apes star Kris Kristofferson, playing Whistler, who tries to heal her bite marks with garlic.

(Whistler injects garlic into Karen's neck, making her body arch out in pain)

Whistler: Hold her.

(Blade puts his hand on Karen's stomach)

NC (vo): Thanks, that'll help a lot.

NC: I'll call you when an earthworm needs restraining.

NC (vo): We're introduced to our Shadowy Room of Evil Business Suits because...(Clip of the World Security Council from The Avengers) Marvel will always love this cliche, and they bring in their evilest vampire who can never get a shirt that fits, Deacon Frost, played by Stephen Dorff. This guy's a lot of fun. Just imagine all of (picture of) Edward Norton's nyeh faces had a son, and he only listened to (The) Prodigy.

Frost: Maybe it's time we forgot about discretion. We should be ruling the humans, or maybe I'm just the first to say out loud what we've all been thinking.

NC (vo): (as Frost) I propose a movement where we dress like we don't care how we look when really it's the most important thing to us. I call it "The Hipster Effect."

Dragonetti: Do we have any other business to discuss?

Frost: Gitano, you may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.

NC (vo): (as a council vampire) Really? We're just gonna let him get away with that?

NC: You know, for a guy who does things we don't like, we sure do let him do things that we don't like.

NC (vo): The good doctor wakes up and seems to be doing better, as she sees what Blade has to go through in order to survive.

(Whistler injects blood into Blade's neck, then holds onto him while he suffers through it)

NC (vo): Oh, he just read the script to Blade: Trinity. I'd be holding his hand, too. Whistler tells Karen exactly what they're fighting against.

Whistler: You gotta understand, they're everywhere. Vampires. The Hominus Nocturna.

NC: ...That means vampires.

NC (vo): But since Frost is doing research into the vampire archives, pissing off the Council even more.

Frost: We're in a library. You don't need to shout.

(Dragonetti slaps him hard across the face)

Dragonetti: What are you up to, Frost?

NC: (as Dragonetti) Tell me or next time I'll actually hit you.

(The scene is slowed down to show Dragonetti's hand doesn't even hit Frost's face)

Frost: What are you gonna do? Hm?

NC (vo): (as Frost) I don't need this. I'm only here because Chris Pine hasn't been invented yet.

Dragonetti: You bore me.

NC: Well, you wouldn't be the first.

NC (vo): So, after trying to figure out if a freaking newspaper building blew up in town--(clips of scenes showing paper flying all around to show it's windy) seriously--Karen's told not to trust anybody when she's suddenly approached by a cop in her apartment.

Krieger: Police officer, I didn't mean to scare you. The front door was open.

Karen: What are you doing in here?

Krieger: I'm just here on a routine check.

NC: (as Krieger) I heard you were black, so you're under arrest for something.

Krieger: You're dead, too, bitch! (Karen sprays him with garlic infused mace she got earlier from Blade) What is this? Garlic? (The next cut of him has Blade right behind him) Who said I was a vampire?

(Blade proceeds to knock him out)

Blade: Nobody.

NC (vo): Christ, I think Blade's whole goal in this movie is to leave at bad times and then come back just before things get worse.

(A cutout of Blade is next to NC)

Blade: Okay, I'm leaving. I'm really leaving this time.

(NC's about to speak until Blade leans back in. NC looks back and Blade leaves)

(Meanwhile, Karen and Blade find frozen blood packs in Krieger's squad car)

Karen: Hillburn Clinic.

Blade: So where are you taking it?

Krieger: I don't know what you're talking--

(Blade smacks Krieger's head onto the car)

NC (vo): Um, does nobody care that a guy with a sword is slamming a cop's head into a car?

NC: I mean, never forget (picture of "Fuck the Police" by...) NWA, but I think at least someone would at least raise an "Um..."

NC (vo): He escapes, though, causing Blade and Karen to follow him through Fast Forward Lane.

Krieger: Get me Pearl! I got a delivery for Frost here and I just had a run-in with Blade! Gotta clear out that clinic on Hillburn now!

NC: Okay, if you wanna do pointless speedy footage, that's fine, but at least have them talk the way they're supposed to talk.

(The same scene is played, only with Krieger's voice made squeaky high)

NC (vo): (as Krieger) Calling all cars, calling all cars. I just had a run-in with Blade! Send in all cars, horses, planes. Me, I want he-e-e-elp!

(Blade and Karen are making their way to a club that's also a vampire nest)

Blade: Vampire Anatomy 101: Crosses and running water don't do dick, so forget what you see in the movies. You use a stake, silver or sunlight.

NC: (as Blade) Yeah, forget all that stuff you see in the movies. (pictures of a cross and holy water) Concentrate on this stuff, like in the movies. (pictures of the sun, a wooden stake and a silver bullet)

NC (vo): So while the vampires sit around partying...watching Mortal Kombat. (An arrow points to the TV showing Reptile's transformation)

NC: Yeah, you vampires are gonna find a lot of blood in that movie.

NC (vo): The cop tells Frost of his run-in with Blade.

Krieger: Don't worry, it's no problem. I'll get the girl.

(Frost punishes him for his failure by biting into his neck and not only drinking his blood, but tearing his throat open)

NC (vo): (as Krieger) Um, am I being fired or is this a promotion? As a guy who wants to be a vampire, I genuinely don't know.

(During Frost and Mercury's bloody makeout session, the camera cuts to a bat figurine)

NC: In case you forgot, that bat means that they're vampires. Symbolism.

(Blade and Karen meet Pearl, the keeper of the Archives who's hideously obese)

NC (vo): Blade and Karen come across the person who keeps track of all the archives and (laughing) okay...

NC: Even for a movie about a guy who chases vampires, that's pretty silly.

(Karen shines a UV light on Pearl)

Pearl: (in Vampiric) La Magra is coming! The Spirits of the Twelve--

NC: (as Jabba the Hutt) Bring me Solo and the Wookiee.

NC (vo): Good thing he's not a woman, or else that would suddenly be indecent. (A CENSORED block appears on one of Pearl's nipples)

(Blade has a wire wrapped around his neck, holding him to the wall)

NC (vo): They get captured by Quinn and his gang, but it looks like Blade has backup.

(One of the walls blows up to reveal Whistler)

Whistler: Catch you fuckers at a bad time?

NC: As long as you don't have a copy of (Poster of) A Star Is Born, then no.

(Whistler fires into a group of vampire soldiers)

NC (vo): They escape into the subway that just happens to be connected to the vampire archives...

NC: Odd design work.

NC (vo): As they wait for the longest train ever to pass and then end up literally catching a ride.

(Mercury and several other vampires are closing in on Blade and Karen)

Karen: (Realizing just what Blade's about to do) Oh, my God!

(Blade grabs onto the train as it passes by them getting dragged along, putting Karen down before climbing onto the platform as well)

(NC is rather iffy if this falls under the scale of STUPID or COOL before settling on COOL)

NC: Yeah, okay.

NC (vo): So Whistler reveals why Blade seems to have all the vampire strengths and few of their weaknesses.

Whistler: Blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant. She died, but he lived. He can withstand garlic, silver, even sunlight.

NC: (as Whistler) He also obtained an aversion to taxes as well. (normal) I'd like to point out I waited this long (he points to where a caption that says "13 minutes" appears) to make a tax joke, I think I did pretty well.

NC (vo): Karen consoles Blade during his all important wall watching while Frost and his goons apparently kidnap the leader of the vampires to kill him.

(Dragonetti is made to burn alive under the sunrise)

NC (vo): They should probably all fry up, but it's okay because all the other vampires have sunblock and helmets.

NC: Was (picture of) Marceline's sun hat not available?

NC (vo): Karen uses her doctor know-how to figure out how to make vampire heads explode.

(Karen tries out a potential vampire cure a blood sample, only to find it reacts violently to it, making the microscope explode)

NC: Science!

NC (vo): When Whistler makes a discovery about her.

Whistler: You don't look so good.

NC: (as Whistler) I mean, the studio won't let you look bad, so this is what we count as not good.

Whistler: I guess we didn't catch it in time.

NC (vo): So it looks like she's still gonna turn into a vampire in a day or two, but that doesn't get in the way of a meeting between Blade and the now helmet-less Frost.

NC: So, wait a minute, did he have enough sunblock the day doesn't bother you? Cause if so, being a vampire is literally a day at the beach.

Frost: Easy. (He grows a claw, threatening to kill the girl he has hostage) Wouldn't want our friend here to wind up on the back of a milk carton, now would we?

(Blade pulls his gun out to fire at Frost who dodges the bullets)

NC (vo): But Blade sees saving people as more of a secondary thing and tries to shoot Frost, causing him to toss the child.

(The girl is tossed across the park by Frost through a hot dog cart into the street)

NC (vo): Dead! (Blade rescues the girl just before she gets hit by a bus, yet the girl's perfectly okay) I mean no scratch on her whatsoever.

NC: She must be wearing a lot of sunblock, too.

Blade: Go home.

(The girl understandably runs the hell away)

NC (vo): What the hell do you think this guy (pointing to one of the people on the street) is talking about? (as man) I mean, I know we just saw a man fly into the street, save a kid and we're all just going to ignore it, but let me tell you about this cop (back to Krieger getting slammed into his car) who got his head smashed into a car that I ignored!

NC: The City: We're Just Kinda There.

(And we go to commercial)

(We now come to a mock commercial with Tamara at a drawing table)

Tamara: It's hard being an artist when you have headaches always popping up. (A clip of Doug and Jim looking at Tamara's work and shaking their heads is shown) It affects your work so no one takes you seriously.

(A sword drops down to the floor as Malcolm comes in dressed as Blade)

Blade: That's just a sugar coated topping...that you can control. Try Davides-Goyer. (He holds up a medical box. Tamara pops the pills down and throws it away, feeling like a new woman) Davides-Goyer seems effective at first, like the miracle you've always been looking for. But then upon closer inspection, you realize it might not be as effective as you thought. (Tamara now has headaches again, looking at the box. On it are three big warnings: Directed Blade Trinity, Produced Ghost Rider 2, Wrote Crow: City of Angels) Your denial will tell you it's doing a good job, but after a while you can't ignore the pain it's causing. It's not as bad as it was before, (Tamara feels good for awhile) but it's still really bad. (Then she goes back to suffering. Doug and Jim are walking down the hall when they see the box) People will like your work at first because they see you have Goyer attached to it, but then they wake up and realize that most of it was dumb luck, surviving on the talent of others.

Doug: Everyone says the techniques were great, but the product was overall shit.

(Tamara walks by the office, only to get junk thrown at her. Tamara picks up a magazine showing an add for Capen-Merca C-Vilwor)

Blade: You'll not only realize it did less than you thought, but is actually slowing you down compared to other successful medicines.

Tamara: At first I thought it worked great, but now I see it's just a bigger placebo than Dumbo's magic feather.

(She gets hit by more junk thrown offscreen)

Blade: Experts agree: "It's not the WORST thing out there." "It did some good things, I think...though maybe that was other people." And "Come on...just...just COME ON!" Davides-Goyer. Sooner or later, you'll feel the pain. And don't forget to try Night Time Davides-Goyer. Oh Yes, It WILL Ruin the Sandman.

(And we're back from commercial!)

NC (vo): So Karen discovers a cure for turning into a vampire off-screen. Yeah, they're surprisingly laid back about it. But Frost also discovers Blade's hideout, also off-screen...

NC: You know, it's good to show and don't tell but when you don't do neither you have neither.

NC (vo): And tries to capture them.

(Karen aims for one of the vampires, only hitting the rails instead of the vampire)

NC: Stop aiming at the rails and maybe you'll hit something.

(Whistler gets clipped in the leg, then we cut to Blade coming home to the aftermath)

NC (vo): Blade comes home to see what happened as he gives one hell of an emotional, breathtaking, Oscar winning caliber reaction to his fatherly mentor being destroyed.

(Whistler is a bloody mess, and all Blade does is give a groan of disgust)

NC: If only more blood curdling moments in cinema had reactions like that.

(Clip of Empire Strikes Back)

Darth Vader: I am your father.

Luke Skywalker: NOOOO!!

NC: Oooh...

(Clip from Mad Max: Fury Road of Furiosa screaming out)

NC: Woof.

(And we get a clip of Mufasa's death in The Lion King)

NC: That sucks.

NC (vo): Whistler still has a few breaths left in him as he tells Blade where they took Karen.

Whistler: Frost is trying to figure out...

(Blade is trying to clean up Whistler's blood with a cotton swab)

NC (vo): Uh yeah, that'll help him big time. I can see why you brought a doctor into your home.

Whistler: Gimme your gun. (Blade gives Whistler his gun) Now walk away.

(Blade walks away as Whistler shoots himself with the gun)

NC (vo): (as Whistler) I'm gonna last long enough to be brought back in the sequel just to die again in another sequel.

NC: (as Whistler) It's a well planned out future that lies ahead for me.