Conquest of the Commercials

(We have the usual intro, but it is instantly interrupted by NC, wearing the familiar "I Donut Donuts" shirt)

NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the opening.

(quick cut to NC sitting down on his couch)

NC: (speaking fast) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. You know the rest. If you're like me, you're excited that we get to review commercials again!

(Footage of various commercials)

NC (vo): Oh, the nostalgia. Oh, the memories. Oh, the mass-marketing manipulation! You can't wait for them, neither can I!

NC: Seeing how we called the other episodes (titles of them appear on screen) "After These Messages", "We'll Be Right Back", "Exclamation Point (!)", "The Fourth One", and "The Quickening", this one I'm entitling... "Ehenzeeahneh". (the exact "word" that NC just said appears on screen) Let's just get to it! COMMERCIALS!!!

(And then we are treated, like in the previous specials, to a compilation of ABC's clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages...

(The title "Ehenzeeahneh" is shown again)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Showbiz Pizza Place: Dragon's Lair
(TV static transitions to:  Showbiz Pizza Place: Dragon's Lair  commercial)

(The commercial involved shows a young man playing Dragon's Lair in a dark foggy room)

NC (vo): Hey, kids! Remember when Chuck E. Cheese made Showbiz Pizza disappear...under...

(Billy Bob's drowned corpse is seen underwater)

NC (vo): ...mysterious circumstances.

(Back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Well, this is how they used to advertise on TV.

Announcer: The most advanced video game you can play is awaiting your discovery at Showbiz Pizza Place.

NC (vo): Actually, maybe the reason they ran out of business is because they put fog machines on top of their games for some reason.

NC (being sprayed by fog): *cough* Come on! I can't see the Princess' cleavage! *cough cough*

NC (vo): It also doesn't help that each game was given one giant dark room to itself. About as cost-effective as (picture of) Willy Wonka shrinking his giant chocolate bars.

NC: But who gives a shit? He's playing Dragon's Lair.

NC (vo): The most gorgeous robbery of your money ever. We lost so many quarters to this thing cause we had to keep reminding ourselves we weren't watching a movie.

NC: Oh, I hope Dirk's reunited with his Russian mouse family--

(Get'cha head in the game)

NC: --I mean, DAMMIT! I'm playing a game!

NC (vo): Why didn't this ever become a movie? Wouldn't that've made sense? Wouldn't you want it explained where the yellow flashing light came from? Or the dragon's ability to learn bubble trapping technology (FUCKING BUBBLES!)? Or how...

Princess Daphne: The dragon keeps it around his neck.

NC (vo): ...Daphne made your testicles drop so fast? Why didn't they ever make this a movie?

NC: With Don Bluth and his people?

(The yellow light flashes on NC's left side)

NC: What is it flashing yellow light?

(The yellow light flashes again)

NC: You trying to tell me something?

(The yellow light continues to flash and NC follows it to the computer room. The computer monitor happens to be showing a trailer to "Dragon's Lair". As NC sits in amazement, the yellow light flashes onto the mouse, as NC clicks it countless times...nothing happens.)

NC: (as he gets up and walks away) Why was I following a yellow light?

(However, dramatic music begins to play, and we see a faded image of a certain old cartoonist's face...)

NC (vo): A simple commercial, but simply 80s. What's not to like of it?

Announcer: Brand new at Showbiz Pizza Place.

Tiger Talkboy
(TV static transitions to: Tiger Talkboy commercial)

(The commercial involved shows a boy holding the Tiger Talkboy observing his sister playing with the dog)

Announcer: You can have lots of high tech fun with Tiger's Talkboy tape recorder.

NC (vo): Ah, the only good thing (picture of) to come out of Home Alone 2. Aside of an even (picture of) gayer Tim Curry.

Concierge (Tim Curry): Have a lovely day.

NC (vo): The whole movie practically served as an advertisement for this thing.

(The boy records his sister)

Sister: Hey, stop drooling on me!

(Later that night, he plays the recording back while the boyfriend's leaning in for a kiss. The boyfriend scooches away while the sister looks behind the couch)

NC (vo): Yeah, that's what a voice app used to look like, kids. In fact, that's practically what cell phones used to look like, too. The commercial just shows a boy playing pranks on his sister. That's cute and all, but you gotta question a little bit of the plausibility. Like the voice speed control.

Boy: (speaking into microphone) Hi, kids, we're home early.

(It then cuts to the boy closing the front door and then playing the recording in slow speed, making the sister and boyfriend go to separate sides of the couch thinking the parents came home)

NC: What creepy-ass parent sounds like that?

NC (vo): Is there a kid and some friends out there who really has a father who's like--

(We cut to Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers dressed as kids playing with cars. Creepy Dad (Doug) then appears with a creepy grin)

Creepy Dad: (Speaking in the same creepy tone as the commercial) Hi, kids, I'm about to go slaughter puppies. You stay here and go to bed by 11:00 or... (With that same creepy smile, he leans in close to the camera and to the two, creeping everyone out) ...I'll eat your heart!

(Creepy Dad leaves the room. Tamara and Malcolm look at each other, then we're greeted with Creepy Dad's face again, scaring them before leaving once more)

Tamara: I think I need to be potty trained again.

NC (vo): Dated technology today, but kinda cool back then, with a funny, if not disturbing, ad to go along with it.

Announcer: Tiger's Talkboy tape recorder comes with audio cassette.

NC (vo): (as Announcer) As recommended by Peter McAllister. (deep voice) The father.

Zest
(TV static transitions to:  Zest  commercials)

(The commercials consist of people having fun bathing with the Zest soap bar.)

(A lady is shown flinging her legs around in the tub)

Singers: Zestfully Clean!

NC (vo): Jesus Christ, lady! Who bathes like that?!

Singers: Zestfully Clean!

NC (vo): Clean my ass! You're making a bigger mess than a dog who just walked through a thunderstorm!

Singers: Zestfully Clean!

(A man is shown appearing to be jumping while showering)

NC (vo): Look at this asshole. What, is he on a trampoline?

NC (vo as Man): I'm only two feet tall, don't judge me!

Singers: You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully Clean!

(A woman is shown standing in an empty shower)

Woman: Do I look clean to you? (Comes out of the shower, showing her clean face) Surprise!

NC: DAAAAHHH!!!! WITCHCRAFT!!

Woman: I'm not fully clean unless I'm Zestfully Clean!

NC (vo; as an announcer): Zest turns a relativity relaxing part of your day into a seizure inducing physical strain that'll cause you more spasms than a sponge in a electric chair.

Singers: Zestfully, Zestfully, Zestfully Clean!

(Cut to another ad, showing a man about to take a shower)

NC (vo): Look at this dude, he just wants to take a nice quick relaxing shower. What the hell does he get?

(Once the man closes the door, a mechanical voice is heard)

Announcer: Please hold on to the bar!

(Suddenly, the man is swept away in raging waters)

NC (vo): HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!

Singers: Zestfully Clean!

NC: I knew I shouldn't have taken crystal meth in the morning.

Singers: You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully Clean!

NC (vo): Speaking of people clearly on drugs...

(Cut to another ad involving a man singing the jingle in a funky way)

Man #2 (singing): Zestfully Clean! You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully Clean!

NC: My hero's a bar of soap, I need counseling!

NC (vo): I don't know why they had to make getting clean look like a orgasmic water park, but I guess it worked, because they're still talking about it today. Pretty silly, but it's a campy kind of silly. Kind of hard not to still get a giggle at it.

Singers: You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully Clean!

(The lady flinging her legs around in the tub is shown again)

NC (vo): Lady, what is wrong with you!?

SpaghettiOs
(TV static transitions to: SpaghettiOs commercial)

(A coach is talking to a classroom full of bored kids)

Coach: Hey! Tomorrow, we win! Now listen!

Boy #1: Here he goes again.

NC (vo): Here's an old favorite. It's a coach trying to get his team excited to win the big game, but an organ-dicing of pasta gets them hyped up for SpaghettiOs instead, because, yeah, I'd get a lot more excited for that than winning a freakin' sport!

Girl #1: Look! It's the O!

Boy #2: Coach! Let me see!

Coach: ...We got be hungry to win! Are ya hungry?

The O: For SpaghettiOs?

Kids: Yeah!

NC (vo): What the hell are they even playing? It's a unisex sport with no uniforms and a game plan that looks more like a map to buried treasure. No wonder they're distracted by melted gnocchi. They don't even know what they're playing!

Coach: Tomorrow, we win! Now listen!

Boy #1: Here he goes again.

NC (as Boy #1): Don't you hate it when he motivates us for a miscellaneous sport that we don't like but we signed up for anyway?

Coach: Now, we got to want this so bad, we can taste it. Can you taste it?

Kids: Yeah!

Coach: What are we gonna do?

Kids: Eat SpaghettiOs!!!

Coach: Huh?

NC (vo as Coach): Yeah, you got it right, kids! Sport are dumb, SpaghettiOs are awesome! It's just like that controversial Super Bowl last year!

(Cut to Malcolm dressed as a announcer)

Malcolm: Attention, everyone! Attention! The game has been cancelled because both teams...want to eat SpaghettiOs.

(The audience boos at Malcolm and throw their stuff at him)

NC (vo): A weird ad for a gross product, but one that will still stay fresh in our memories.

The O: It's gotta be uh-oooooo SpaghettiOs!

Bedtime Barbie
(TV static transitions to:  Bedtime Barbie  commercial)

(A Barbie doll wearing a nightgown is shown)

Little Girl: Now, there's a new Barbie I can sleep with.

NC: Well, that was just said!

Female Singer: Snuggle tonight, Bedtime Barbie. I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie.

(Cut to NC with a disturbed smile on his face)

Little Girl: Your whole body's soft.

NC: Okay, I'm just going to let you figure things out, little girl. There's no rush, just...you might want to check out some of these cartoons. (Steven Universe and Legend of Korra)

Female Singer: Close your eyes, sleepyhead

Little Girl: Night-night! (she kisses Bedtime Barbie)

NC: Okay, you just kissed her nipple! I'm okay with being curious, but sleeping in pink potato sacks is not consent!

Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie!

(Barbie's legs are shown being bended)

NC (vo): Oh, look, she sleeps the same way Zestfully Clean people bathe. (The lady flinging her legs around in the tub is shown above) Though, I guess you'd want to move around, too, if you slept in a nightgown that even the Duggars would call too conservative.

Little Girl: Let's get ready for bed.

(A cloth is shown being swept across Bedtime Barbie's eyes, causing them to close. We then are shown the little girl sleeping while holding Bedtime Barbie up against her cheek)

Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie!

Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body!

(NC starts laughing)

NC: Okay, I don't want to enforce any gender stereotypes or anything like that, but...what if this was a boy's commercial? Like, the exact same lines and everything, just you switched out the genders to male. Would we *really* look at this the exact same way?

(Cut to a scene of Malcolm Ray and Jim Jarosz with a Barbie doll, sensual music plays in the background)

Malcolm: Now, there's a new Barbie I can sleep with.

Jim: Yeah.

Malcolm (vo as announcer): (sensually) Snuggle tonight, Bedtime Barbie. (Shows Malcolm and Jim acting creepy with the Barbie doll like smelling her hair) I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie.

Jim: (stroking Bedtime Barbie doll) Her whole body's soft!

Malcolm: (grabbing the doll from Jim) Let's get ready for bed!

(Malcolm and Jim fight over the Barbie doll)

Malcolm (vo as announcer): (sensually) Snuggle tonight, Bedtime Barbie.

(Shows Malcolm and Jim with Bedtime Barbie, whose legs are shown spread eagled)

Malcolm (vo as announcer): (sensually) I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie.

(Cut to a fake commercial of Bedtime Barbie. Barbie's eyes are open and the words "therapy sessions sold separately" are written in smaller print)

Malcolm (vo as announcer): (sensually) Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body. (Shows a picture of a blow up doll with a face on it) Now with an adult version for Dad.

NC: Okay, that part I added on, but you get the idea.

NC (vo): What can one say, but...naivety; thy name is Bedtime Barbie.

Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie!

Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body!

(NC stifles a laugh offscreen)

McDonalds "For Food, Folks and Fun"
(TV static transitions to:  McDonald's  "For Food, Folks and Fun" commercial)

Ronald McDonald: Want to come to my place and learn our new song?

NC (vo): Oh, of course, McDonald's is one of the kings of children's marketing, using the only clown who's a surprisingly slower killer than Pennywise.

Ronald McDonald (singing): It's all about hot food, double food, happy food, fun food, big folks!

Kids (singing): Slow folks, purple and stripe folks!

NC (vo): These ads always had brilliant slogans and catchphrases that would change up every year or two, but sometimes, they were said so fast that you'd swear they sound a little bit like something else. Like, listen to this and tell me if one of these words sounds just the tiniest bit like something else.

Ronald and Kids (singing): You know the one, McDonald's "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: What?

Ronald and Kids (singing): We're on our way to McDonald's "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

("Food, Fucks and Fun" appears on screen)

NC: Did they just add orgies to the dollar menu?

(Every time Ronald and the kids sing the slogan, the caption "Food, Fucks and Fun" appears every time)

Ronald and Kids (singing): It's "Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: Is the secret sauce lubricant now?

Kids (singing): "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC (vo): Stop saying that!!

Ronald and Kids (singing): We're looking "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: I'm very uncomfortable right now!

Ronald and Kids (singing): "Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: You were that clown in Eyes Wide Shut, weren't you?

Ronald and Kids (singing): We're on our way to McDonald's "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: Is nobody hearing this?!

Ronald and Kids (singing): We're looking "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: Don't touch those kids!

NC (vo): This might be how they did McDonald's at Caligula's home, but not on Saturday Mornings!

Ronald and Kids (singing): We're on our way to McDonald's "For Food, Folks and Fun!"

NC: This is way too unsettling. I gotta find something more pure and innocent!

(changes the channel)

Subway
Jared Fogle: Hi, I'm Jared, the Subway guy.

NC: Not that.

(changes the channel)

Bill Cosby's Pudding Pops
Bill Cosby: Cosby here...

NC: NOT THAT!

(changes the channel)

Ayds
(TV static transitions to:  Ayds  commercial.)

Woman: Mmmm, candy!

NC: (Sighs and smiles in relief) Ah, here we go.

Woman: I'm losing weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds!

(NC's smile freezes as he drops the remote)

Woman 2: Ayds helps put me in control.

Man: Ayds may taste like a candy--

(NC's smile is still frozen in shock as he stares bewildered at the screen)

Man (vo): --but Ayds contains one of the most effective--

Man: --appetite suppressants you can buy.

Linda Parker: Ayds help me lose the weight, and has nothing in it that could make me nervous.

NC: I think a lot of people would disagree with you on that.

Man 2: Question: Why take diet pills when you can enjoy Ayds?

NC: I can safely say there are some reasons.

Woman 3: Ayds helps you curb your appetite. You eat less because you want less, so you lose weight naturally.

NC: Among a...few other side effects.

Announcer: Ayds helps you stay the way you wanna be.

Woman 3: Why not try Ayds?

NC: Okay, dude, this came out in the mid-80s. Were...none of you reading a paper?

Woman 4: So why don't you let Ayds help you lose weight?

Announcer: Let the Ayds plan teach you how to take off weight and help keep it off. Try Peanut Butter Ayds.

NC: Peanut Butter Ayds! (beat) Excuse me, your ignorance has caused me to retreat into the uncomfortable corner.

(NC is seen in a corner sucking his thumb to dramatic music)

Announcer: Lose weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds.

NC: Now comes with (picture of) sweaty collar to tug at. Wow!

Announcer: Try Peanut Butter Ayds.

Segata Sanshiro
(TV static transitions to: Segata Sanshiro campaign.)

NC (vo): Okay, we gotta get the bad taste of that commercial out of our heads. So let's travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro, the most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing. If you were off to play baseball, he'd beat the shit out of you and say "Play Saturn!" instead!

Baseball kid: せがた三四郎. . . (Segata Sanshiro...)

Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo): Going out dancing tonight? Fuck that noise, you're playing Saturn now!

Party Guest: せがた三四郎. . . (Segata Sanshiro...)

Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo): Hey, look, it's Santa! Oh, shit, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!

Kid: (crying) せがた三四郎！(Segata Sanshiro!)

Segata Sanshiro: うわあ！(ARGH!)

(Kids start crying)

NC (vo): When he wasn't pounding the console into you, both figuratively and literally, he was winning soccer games, beating skaters with no skates, killing zombies, falling in love, and training to his kickass theme song!

Singers: せがた三四郎！せがた三四郎！セガサタン、シロ ！(Segata Sanshiro! Segata Sanshiro! You must play Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo): This guy is AMAZING! He's like Chuck Norris fully realized! You know, like, if you have Chuck Norris and took out the homophobes stuff, you'd have Segata! He's like a myth they talk about in stories, if that myth had a physical form that can punch you! He was one of the phenomenal things to ever hit television!

NC: Sadly, though, every myth has to die.

(Cut to the final Segata Sanshiro commercial about the unveiling of the Dreamcast)

NC (vo): Yep! They actually killed off Segata in the only way Segata can die: Stopping a nuclear warhead from destroying Sega by jumping off a building, propelling back with his own feet and launching it into space! It was... pretty emotional.

Sega Girl: (crying) せがた三四郎！！ (Segata Sanshiro!!)

(The missile heads into space with Sanshiro with captions translating (which I am doing.))

Segata Sanshiro: セガサタン、シロ ！(すすり泣き) セガサタン、シロおお！！ (You must play Sega Saturn! (sobs) You must play Sega Saturn!!)

(The missile explodes, killing Segata. RIP Segata Sanshiro: 1997-1998)

Announcer (vo): せがた三四郎は、君たちの心に. (Segata Sanshiro will live forever in our hearts.)

(NC cries)

NC: We will never forget you, Segata. We'll ironically forget the Sega Saturn, it's not around anymore, BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON!

NC (vo): He's one of the most awesome series of commercials ever, and I proudly support a beating of me if it means seeing more of his incredibleness.

Singers: セガサタン、シロ ！(You must play Sega Saturn!)

(NC salutes to the late Sanshiro.)

A Troll in Central Park Trailer
(The trailer for  A Troll in Central Park  starts playing, showing, you guessed it, more cutesy footage of the movie)

Announcer: One of the year's most enchanting stories is about to bloom.

NC (vo): Oh, God. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, "Shit. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months"?

Announcer: Now, Don Bluth, the director of An American Tail...

NC (vo): The director who gave us some of the greatest animated movies of all time says, "You know what? Maybe Barney was on to something."

Announcer: A Troll in Central Park. Now, you, too, can enjoy the wonder and enchantment of a friendship that grows and blossoms.

NC (vo; annoyed, as clips focus on Stanley the Troll): God. I'm just waiting for Dirk the Daring to slice his head off, or the T-Rex from Land Before Time to devour him, or the Owl from Secret of NIMH to peck his little face out! (A caption of what he says next covers the screen) DON BLUTH UP THIS DON BLUTH FILM!

NC: And I know what you're thinking, "Aren't I being a little too hard on an animation legend?" Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself!

(The TV changes the channel to show Don Bluth himself, I kid you not, folding his arms and staring silently at NC, who becomes stunned silent. There is silence for a few moments before NC speaks)

NC: Don Bluth? (Bluth remains silent. NC's stunned tone soon explodes into joy) Oh, my God! I AM THE BIGGEST FAN EVER!! Oh, my God! Don Bluth's looking at me right now! Secret of NIMH is one of my favorite all-time movies! Holy shit! American Tail, where he's just like, "I'll never find my parents!" Mother right there! Look to the fucking left! Land Before Time, oh, my God! Before George Lucas was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, "I want a kick-ass movie about dinosaurs!" YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?

Don Bluth: Just waiting. I want to see what you're gonna do.

NC: (beat) What? (Bluth resumes being silent and looking at NC) Oh, I see. Because I made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? (Bluth remains silent) Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I'm gonna give you the exact same thing back.

(Both NC and Bluth stare silently at each other for a few long moments, before NC starts to crack and become nervous)

NC: Knock-knock. (Bluth remains silent) Oh, come on, it's the law. You have to say "Who's there?". (Bluth remains silent. NC starts talking to himself) Knock-knock. Who's there? Yugo. Yugo who? You go BYE-BYE! (Changes the channel, but Bluth is on the other channel. NC tries again, but Bluth is again on the other channel. Every time NC changes the channel, Bluth appears on each channel, with every change resulting in several close-ups of Bluth) How the hell are you doing that?! (NC changes the channel again, again to no avail, as Bluth appears on that one) Aaah! One of these buttons has to work! What's this one do?

(He changes the channel, going into a commercial break. After the commercial, Bluth again appears on a channel)

NC: Aaah! Suck my cock-a-doodle, you weirdo!

(He changes the channel, which shows the next commercial)

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Toys
(TV static transitions to: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers commercial)

Singer: Go! Go! Power Rangers!

Announcer: Now, you can get the power with your own Power Rangers gloves!

NC (vo): Hey, it's the most tedious hand garments advertised until "Frozen". (cut to an image of Elsa's packaged gloves)

Announcer: With built in karate chop sound effects!

NC (vo as the Announcer): Now, you can be tough by looking like a mix between a (picture of) NASCAR Driver and (picture of) Dexter's mom!

Announcer: Turn on the TV Projector Lamp, and shine it anywhere to summon other rangers!

NC (vo): Oh, look, you even pretend you're the Power Rangers with this stock footage. Just like the real actors pretend they're the Power Rangers with stock footage. Actually, the funniest thing about this commercial isn't even the gloves, it's the alarm you're supposed to put outside your door.

(Cut to a bully approaching a door with a Power Rangers room depender on it)

Announcer: Get the Power Rangers room depender, a motion detector that scares off the bad guys.

Detector: Stand back! This room is protected by the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!

(The bully immediately becomes scared and runs away)

NC: Oh, yeah, if you got bullies at your school, that's sure to scare them away!

NC (vo): Look at that. He (the bully) hears the sound, and he immediately goes into a seizure. I think most of us know what would really happen in this situation.

(Cut to a bully, played by Doug, approaching a door with a MMPR sticker, acting as the detector, on it)

Detector (Rob Walker): Stand back! This room is protected by the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!

(Bully Doug briefly hesitates, before knocking the door open, and walking into the room)

Bully Doug: Give me all your money! *punch*

(Bully Doug punches the screen, and we cut back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Hey, as long as they don't play Let it Go, I'm totally okay with these things existing.

Announcer #2: Saban's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gloves, TV Projector Lamp, and Room Depender. Sold separately from Happiness Express.

Bully Doug (vo): Give me all your money! *punch*

Superman Peanut Butter
(TV static transitions to: Superman Peanut Butter commercial)

(Some kids are spying on Lex Luthor, holding Superman captive)

Kid: Lex Luthor has Superman trapped.

Luthor: Now, you'll tell me why Superman Peanut Butter tastes so great!

NC: (has a confused look) Slow day for evil, huh, Lex?

Superman: Never!

Luthor: So fresh roasted, so creamy, so yummy; then its secret will be mine! All mine!

NC (as Luthor): I need it to make my ultimate weapon: Peanut Butter Ayds!

NC (vo): The kids save Superman and supposedly put Luthor away in jail, but I don't know, is is me or does this look more like Rapunzel's tower? Why do they lock him up in the same place that Bowser holds Princess Peach? Also, Superman was ready to DIE to keep the recipe of his peanut butter safe? That's some pretty jacked up priorities there.

NC (as Luthor): You know, Superman, it is only peanut butter.

Doug (offscreen as Superman): Never!

NC (as Luthor): If you'd only give me the recipe...

Doug (offscreen as Superman): Never!

NC (as Luthor): Are you ever seeing Kryptonite kill a man? Your insides get eaten out, eyes burst through your sockets and blood goes out your ears and nose, you're going to go through all of that just for your damn Peanut Butter?

Doug (offscreen as Superman): Yes!

NC (as Luthor): You know, I'm starting to wonder which one of us is the true crazy one here.

NC (vo): With ads like these, I'm not shocked that "Super Butter" isn't still around.

Luthor: Just wait, Superman, I'll find out!

Announcer: Superman Peanut Butter: its strength is its great taste!

NC (vo as announcer): And the fact that it apparently makes you invisible. (shows an arrow to show that Superman's arm isn't visible when he grabs Luthor) W-what the hell?

(Bluth appears on another channel)

NC: DAMN IT, YOU DEVIL!!

Frosted Mini-Wheats
(TV static transitions to:  Frosted Mini-Wheats  commercials)

Butler: As an adult, I insist on a cereal that offers nutrition.

(Cut to a kid, dressed as the butler)

Butler (as a kid): Frosting! I want frosting!

NC (vo): Ah, yeah, remember these? These were the Frosted Mini-Wheats commercials that advertised both adults and kids AS adults and kids.

Man: I love the crunchy wheat taste of Kellogg's Mini-Wheats.

Man (as a kid): But the frosting side agrees with the little kid in me!

NC (vo): The adults would always talk about the healthy aspects of the cereal while the kids always talked about the sugar coated part of it.

Butler: The proper sale is low in fact sort.

Butler (as a kid): And taste! What about taste?!

NC (vo): The only problem is, if any adult really could communicate with himself years later, it probably wouldn't be as chipper as they were letting on.

(Cut to Doug, dressed as the butler, holding a tray of Mini-Wheats)

Doug: I am a very proper adult, so I always eat--

(Cut to Tamara dressed as the kid, holding a tray of Mini-Wheats)

Tamara: Sugar Frosted sweets to keep me energized!

Doug: It's filled with whole grain wheat, and is so nutritious for--

Tamara: The little kid inside!

Doug: Of course, if the younger me knew that scraping off the sugar side would've prevented him from being a diabetic, he probably wouldn't have eaten it!

Tamara: Wait, what?

Doug: Oh, yes! And don't even get me started on your colon, that gets really jacked up!

Tamara: Dude, I don't want to know this.

Doug: Neither did I, but you go through it, along with an ex-wife and a divorce that costs you most of your earnings!

Tamara: Uuuuuhhhhhhhh...

Doug: Don't forget child support to look after little brats like you that I help raise!

Tamara: Uh, I think I hear my mom calling!

Doug: Your mom's dead! Couldn't afford to pay all the medical bills after buying you all this Sugar Frosted Mini-Wheats for your damn little mouth! Do yourself a favor and never grow up, never fall in love, never get attached to anybody in your life! You hear me?! It's not too late! It's not too late! Change your life before you become a nuclear bomb of devastation!

Tamara: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Doug: GET BACK HERE! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR MISERY!!!

Malcolm (vo as announcer): Frosted Mini-Wheats is part of this complete breakfast.

(Doug ties a rope around his neck)

Doug: You knew this was coming someday.

(Tamara runs away after the rope gets on her neck)

Tamara: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

NC (vo): Still a cute idea, even if reality can get the best of it.

Butler: I know it goes on my tray.

Butler (as a kid): The sweet stuff!

Pokemon Red and Blue
(TV static transitions to:  Pokemon Red and Blue  commercial)

(A bus driver stops his bus to pick up someone)

Bus Driver: Hey, little buddy, want a ride?

(Pikachu is shown getting on the bus)

Pikachu: Pikachu!

NC: Ugh, I was in college when Pokemon came out, so I was not the right age for it, and if you're a little kid and grew up with it, great, I'm glad you had fun, but for all the adults who had to endure this, this was a pain in the ass to put up with!

NC (vo): (as a montage of Pokemon merchandise is shown in stores) It was everywhere, it was like every boy band except the obnoxious music was replaced with Pika, Pika, Pika! We didn't know it was about and we didn't care. We just knew it was annoying, so freaking annoying!

NC: So, pardon me if I'm not very excited to watch another commercial on it!

(The bus is shown to have all kinds of Pokemon sitting in the bus's seats. The driver suddenly stops the bus)

Bus Driver: I'll be right back!

(The driver walks over to a panel, that he opens, to reveal a big red button.)

NC: Wait, what's he doing?

(The driver presses the button, revealing that he has activated a large crusher, which the bus full of Pokemon is in. The crusher slowly begins to crush the bus. NC smiles, eager)

NC: My God, is it true? Are they finally gonna die?

(The crusher gets close to crushing the bus full of Pokemon)

NC: YES! SQUASH THEM! KILL THEM ALL!

NC (vo): TURN THEM INTO POKEMASH! POKEMASH!!!!

(The crusher finally crushes the bus with the Pokemon in it. The bus driver smiles)

Bus Driver: Got ya!

(A bright light shines by the bus driver as an angelic chorus plays)

NC: [sheds a tear] My God, that was beautiful. I don't know who you are, Fish-Eyed Lens Fat Man, but you are my new personal hero! God bless you!

Announcer: Where can you catch all 150 Pokemon?

Bus Driver: Got ya!

(The crusher opens to reveal all the Pokemon have survived inside a Game Boy made out of the crushed bus)

Announcer: On your Game Boy, that's where!

NC: Dah, bullshit! Fucking cop out! How'd you get a Game Boy from a bus?

NC (vo): You know what? Screw it. For the power of emotional denial, I will rewrite this ending in my head the way I want it!

Announcer: Where can you catch all 150 Pokemon?

(The crusher is shown crushing the bus, then the word "Nowhere" is stamped over the crusher. A gravestone that says "Every Pokemon Ever!" is shown as little kids are crying in the background)

NC: Ooohh, happy thoughts.

NC (vo): A nice dark idea, even if it does need to go too happy near the end.

(The clip of the crusher slowly crushing the Pokemon-filled bus is shown again)

NC: Pika-DIE!

Super Nintendo Super Scope
(TV Static transitions to: Super Nintendo Super Scope commercial)

Announcer: You're looking at the next breakthrough for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System.

NC (vo): Ah, yes, the Super Scope! The R.O.B. the Robot of the Super Nintendo.

NC: Okay, so you're a Nintendo kid, and you have a ton of fun...

NC (vo): ...blasting things with your blaster. What do you want that's even more advanced than that?

NC: Well, gee, how about a shotgun or a machine gun or...

NC (vo): A bazooka? Okay, in hindsight, it does sound kind of cool. I mean, bazookas make big explosions, and we're all sick fucks, so we'd like that. But with those other guns, you could be mobile. You can move around, you can pretend you're an action hero. Who pretends to have a bazooka? What little kid is like--

NC: Hey, you want to go play cops and robbers?

NC (with a high pitched voice): Nah, I'd much rather play (pretends to host the Super Scope on his shoulders) gigantic piece of plastic I place on my arm, immediately making it sore, and sitting still, looking through a little eyepiece.

NC: I'm going to hear about you on the news, aren't I?

NC (high pitched): Yes, you are.

NC (vo): It was so boring even to look at that they had to line up a bunch of them in a row, tricking you into thinking it was more cool than it really was. Yeah, you know the one thing they're not doing? Firing them at the frigging screen, because it's goddamn boring! Oh, wait, we'll do it once. There we go; now back to all the exciting things you will never do with it.

Announcer (as a Commander): You might want to consider some basic training exercises.

NC (vo): I know it's like a collector's item, and it has a special place in people's hearts; but there's a reason it never caught on.

Second Announcer: And it's yours for under 60 dollars.

NC (vo): Christ, that sounds like too much even today, and that was a lot more back then! Give these ads credit for trying to make it look good, but it's another one of those accessories that just never got the momentum it needed.

Second Announcer: Super Scope Six, only for Nintendo.

NC (vo as announcer): Super Scope! It's not Virtual Boy, but it's close.

(Bluth appears on another channel)

NC: JESUS! YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!

Workplace Safety & Insurance Board Sous Chef Accident PSA
(TV static transitions to: WSIB Sous Chef Accident PSA commercial)

(A female sous chef is working at a kitchen)

NC (vo): Here's a little PSA from... (The PSA's logo is revealed to be "Prevent-It.Ca") Canada?

NC: Nuh-uh! Nope! I've learned my lesson! Canada is fucked up! They may all look cute and innocent, but then they're sneaking in rape whistles, and putting dicks in your mouth, and God knows what else! Well, I'm not falling for it this time!

Sous chef woman: I'm a sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year.

NC: Oh. Well, that...sounds kinda nice.

Woman: [Reveals a ring on her finger] I've got an amazing fiancee.

NC: Oh, well, that sounds sweet. A nice couple finally found love.

Woman: But I won't be marrying this weekend.

NC: Oh, what? Did you have to change the date or something? God, that's always so hard when that happens...

Woman: Because I'm about to be in a terrible accident.

NC: Huh?

(The woman picks up a boiling pot)

Woman: But really, I should've cleaned up the grease over there, and they should never put the deep fryer so close...

(She suddenly slips on some grease on the floor, causing her to fall to the ground and the water in the boiling pot to fall on her face, painfully scarring her face. The woman screams in pain as another chef comes in to try and help her. NC is totally freaked out by all this)

NC: OHH!! OHH, GOD! OHH, GOD! (Becomes enraged) CANADA, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! (The incident is shown again) SHE WAS GONNA BE MARRIED, AND THEN YOU FUCKED UP WITH HER FACE! YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA!!

(The PSA's moral is shown to be "There really are no accidents")

NC: No, no, no, no, no! I don't care what you're advertising, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! I AM NEVER VISITING YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARY! YOU'RE A SCARY PLACE, CANADA! PUT IT ON YOUR FLAG! (The Canadian flag is shown with the caption, "We're scary") YOU'RE SCARY! WE'RE KEEPING MICHAEL J. FOX, YOU KEEP WHATEVER THE HELL WE GAVE YOU...which is probably nothing. (beat) 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK!!

(The scarred and screaming woman is shown once more, causing NC to scream and change the channel, only to once again see Bluth still staring at him. NC screams again and changes to the next commercial)

Slim Jim
(TV static transitions to: Slim Jim commercial)

Young Man: If I have to fill one more box, I'm going to snap.

(Suddenly Randy Savage appears between two piles of boxes)

Randy Savage: Did you say snap?

NC (vo): Oh, yeah! Oh, if you're too young to remember this, then you need an education. The idea of having a wrestler advertise beef jerky sounds as standard as anything. But when that wrestler is Randy Savage, and he's given one hell of an extreme campaign, it turned out to be one of the coolest ads ever.

(A door breaks down, computers explode, book shelves start to topple)

NC (vo): Yeah, let's face it: when a room starts shaking and shit starts blowing up, this is the person you want to see causing it!

Actress (playing Juliet): Romeo! Romeo! Where for art thou, Romeo!

(Randy Savage bursts through the set)

Randy Savage: Art thou bored? Snap into a Slim Jim!

NC (vo): There has never been a more pleasing image to come out of a puff of smoke. He's like the Koolaid Man if he slipped you ectasy! You just never wanted this to leave.

Randy Savage: Higher education got you down? Well, snap into it! (he takes a bite of a Slim Jim, and a computer explodes) Snap into a Slim Jim!

(The kids imitate him taking a bite)

NC (vo): Look at this, it's a room full of lamps. I'm getting hard just thinking of Randy Savage busting in here!

(Sure enough, he busts through a window on the ceiling)

Randy Savage: Need a little light in your life?

Two Boys: Yeah!

Randy Savage: Snap into a Slim Jim!

(He takes a bite and the light bulbs explode, knocking an older guy onto a fan blade that spins him around fast. NC screams at the chaos)

Randy Savage: Need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim!

NC: Oh, my God, is there a way to mate with Slim Jim's? (beat) Don't answer that, Internet.

Randy Savage: Tear off the spice!

(Kids bite into a Slim Jim and more explosions happen)

Old Woman: Thanks, Mr. Savage.

Randy Savage: How about the funky chicken?

Old Woman: Oh, is that the walls?

Note: It might be the quality, but the old woman is hard to understand

Randy Savage: Oh, yeah!

(he takes bite and an explosion happens behind the old woman)

NC (vo): He had so much testosterone, even saying the letter 't' seems super aggressive.

Randy Savage: Feel a little excitement!

NC (vo): These were some of the coolest ads ever, and so much of it came from the Macho Man himself. If you haven't come across any of these yet, then definitely go check them out.

Randy Savage: Gotta have beef, gotta have spice, need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim.

NC: Yeah!!!!

(Randy Savage takes a bite of a Slim Jim)

Telephone Tammy
(TV static transitions to: Telephone Tammy commercial)

Note: It's been confirmed that the one of the young girls in the commercial is in fact Mila Kunis.

Mila Kunis: I'm calling Telephone Tammy.

(And she does)

Female Singer: Telephone Tammy!

Telephone Tammy: Hello, I've been waiting for your call.

NC: (Disgusted) I.. j... No!

Mila Kunis: I have so much to tell you, Tammy!

Telephone Tammy: Let's share secrets.

NC (vo): Hey, girls, ever wanted to talk on the phone with a toddler? Of course you haven't, 'cause that would be goddamn insane! But this exists for some reason.

Mila Kunis: Wait till you see my new hat!

Telephone Tammy: I just love to go shopping.

Mila Kunis: (gasp) I do, too!

NC: Fucking weird, right? What are the chances of finding another girl who likes shopping?

NC (vo): We're like soulmates, two-year-old who seems uncomfortably well-spoken.

Telephone Tammy: That's great!

Blonde Girl: Can I talk to Tammy?

Telephone Tammy: Do you like pizza?

Blonde Girl: (gasps) She said so much!

NC: Does she? Cause it sounds like mostly useless shit to me.

NC (vo): It's like they're trying to combine traditional girl stuff to a point where it makes no sense.

NC: Like, hey, you like horses and dresses? Here's a dress made out of horses. You like babies and cooking? Here's how to cook babies. You like dancing and tea parties? Read Pride and Prejudice. (it's shown to us) It's an engaging read of challenging social class''. ''

NC (vo): Why did these things come together? I don't know, it doesn't seem to still be around, so I guess it didn't work. Some combinations are clever, this one is just...odd.

Mila Kunis: I love you.

(She kisses Telephone Tammy on the cheek, and hugs her)

Female Announcer: Batteries not included.

Telephone Tammy: Call me soon, OK?

(Bluth stares at NC one last time)

NC: OK! I'm done! I'm sorry! I'm sorry about all the things I've said about you! Just, FOR GOD'S SAKES, STOP GIVING ME THAT DEATH GLARE!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! ANYTHING AT ALL! JUST, FOR GOD'S SAKES, STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE HORRIBLE DON BLUTHY EYES!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????!!!

To Be Continued Next Week...

(Credits roll)

Channel Awesome Tagline—

Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body!