Babes in Toyland



NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—(His head explodes into a fireball; he then yells in a deep voice) CHRISTMAS! (Accompanying text appears on-screen and shakes)

(Footage and images relating to the Christmas season are shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Hey, have I mentioned yet that I love Christmas? I do! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! The absolute best time of the year!

NC: Even this job that forces me to watch the WORST of Christmas can’t possibly make me hate this wonderful holiday. Even when I see things like…

(A ghost in black suddenly appears in NC’s living room)

Ghost: Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I’m the Ghost of Christmas Future!

NC: The Ghost of Christmas Future?

Ghost: Yes, the Ghost of Christmas Future! I’m here to show you what happens if you don’t start enjoying Christmas!

NC: But…I do enjoy Christmas.

Ghost: (Beat) What?

NC: Yeah! I love it. I’m all over it.

Ghost: (looks around) You have absolutely no hatred for Christmas?

NC: No, [it’s] my favorite time of the year.

Ghost: Alright. (He walks over and takes a seat next to NC at his desk) Alright, guy, [I] don’t think you understand quite how this works. Every comedy show does a “Christmas Carol” parody, usually around Christmas…

NC: Well, not me. I don’t wanna.

Ghost: (sighs) I’ve got these three other ghosts waiting, they’re on retainer. It’s just too much…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I don’t care!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sighs) Think of the possibilities! The sight gags! The puns! (He grabs NC by the shoulders to shake him a little) THINK OF THE CAMEOS!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Look, I’m not doing anything “Christmas Carol” related, anyway. I’m doing “Babes in Toyland.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The title screen for the 1986 TV movie “Babes in Toyland” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost (voiceover): “Babes in Toyland”? The Disney flick?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): No, no, no. This one was made in the ‘80s; 1986, to be exact. It has half the talent, half the creativity, and definitely half the effort! It’s about as cheap as a musical knockoff can get. And just to make things even better, it stars a young Drew Barrymore and a young Keanu Reeves.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (appears over the montage of clips) Oh, you say you love Christmas now, Critic, but wait until you see this candy-coated abomination. Don’t worry, Critic. (He waves his hands in a spooky manner) I’ll be back! (Expecting he’d disappear, he simply shrugs and walks off camera right)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (stares off-screen briefly in confusion before returning to the camera) Well, let’s get started.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie begins)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We start off with some van Gogh snow and observe some of the slowest-moving shoppers in mall history as we see our hero named Lisa, played by Drew Barrymore. Uh, post-crack, I think. Why else would she choose this role? She’s excited, because as her sister’s getting ready to go to work, she starts building up what she got her for Christmas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: I got you a great present. Don’t ask what it is. It’s a surprise.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: I bet it’s a new blender. (Mary shakes her head no) Well, then, what is it?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wait, blender was a real guess? Good God, this must be the most boring family to have Christmas with!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to NC with a large Christmas present near him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see what it is! (He quickly unwraps the present and looks inside the cardboard box) Wow! (He shows the inside of the empty box to the camera) It’s a box!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So as she (Mary) puts on her raincoat for the…snow, Lisa gets concerned because of the weather report.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Male News Announcer: (on the TV) And here’s Gail with an update.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Female News Announcer: (on TV) As of 10 PM, the giant Canadian storm continues to surge its way south.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the announcer) They’re calling it Hurricane Knook.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So Lisa decides it’s too dangerous for her sister to work tonight and tries to go get her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the inside of a toy store and Jack Fenton (Keanu Reeves) walking through the shopping crowd)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): There’s Bill and Ted’s Excellent Kwanzaa.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack Fenton: (to Mary) How about a quick Christmas pizza at Capone’s before I drop you home?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: Jack, I don’t think I could eat three pizzas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Oh, here we go again. The Delilah of the Five-and-Dime.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (lightly chuckles) Oh, we-we thank you for this bountiful performance we’re about to receive.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: (enters the store and runs up to Mary) Mary!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: Lisa, what are you doing here?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: I’m sorry. I tried to call, but the phones are down. Mary, you’ve got to come home right away.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Someone should tell Barnie to close the store.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: Here comes your big chance.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Barnie the store manager (Richard Mulligan) walks through the store)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (looks on to see Barnie and shudders) Uh-uh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Ahh, now that’s a Keanu moment.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (shudders) Uh-uh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I’m sure it was written in the script, “I do not wish to partake in conversations with that man.” (Accompanying quote appears onscreen) To which Keanu translated it as…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (shudders) Uh-uh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): As opposed to his “’Cha, uh-huh!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: (to Mary) Doing your job is pleasing me, which in your case would not be difficult. You know what I mean?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: No, I don’t.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: You know, for a smart-looking girl, you’re really pretty dumb. Don’t you know it’s better business to be nice to the boss?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: (appears from under the check-out counter) Don’t you talk to Mary like that!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: What the heck is that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (laughs) Another great delivery to go in the acting books.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: What the heck is that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Though to be fair, I think we’ll all be saying that line throughout this movie.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: Oh, yeah? Well, with your attitude, you could be out of here right quick! You know that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: With your attitude, I could be out of here right now! There’s a blizzard out there, but I’m gonna take my baby sister home.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Mary!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: I know. I know you’re not a baby, you’re eleven years old.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (shrugs) Thanks for that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: Come on, Lisa. Let’s go find Jack. (She and Lisa leave Barnie alone)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie: How do you like that? You ruin my biggest one-day take of the year. What are you, crazy?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Barnie) I can’t stop doing my Rodney Dangerfield impression. No respect. No respect at all.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: (speaks into a microphone to announce to all the shoppers) Uh, excuse me, everybody. I just heard on TV there’s gonna be a major snowstorm hitting Cincinnati any minute! You should all go home while you still can.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as a shopper) Oh, my God! Surely the eleven-year-old girl who I’ve never met before knows exactly what she’s talking about! Flee, everybody! Flee!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jack and a male employee walk past Barnie after everyone has left)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">George: Merry Christmas,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Merry Christmas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(They both pull down a net above him before leaving, and a pile of toys and balls fall on top of Barnie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Hey-hey! That’d be funny if one of those balls actually hit him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Mary and Lisa run out into the parking lot and Lisa screams while carrying a large sled on her back; Jack is right behind them)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Come on. Follow me. Free at last!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Reeves starts driving everybody home—which is weird, seeing how they clearly walked to work, and they said on and on the roads were dangerous—and they can’t help but sing a song about their charming little city.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (sings) I come from…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack, George Mary and Lisa: (sing) C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I, Cincinnati

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (sings) The best town in O-

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary: -H-

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">George: -I-

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: O!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Entire Group: (sings) Ohio, USA!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC grimaces with clenched teeth at the musical number)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa and Mary: (sing) At first, they called it Cinci, but since Cinci is so natty…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie (from earlier in the film): What the heck is that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa and Mary: (sing) [They named it Cincinnati] so they say...

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jack drives over a snowy bump in the road)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (narrowly avoids an accident) Whoa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack and George: (sing) Hey, the girls are pretty, pretty / In this gritty little city

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary and Lisa: (sing) The fellers…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Plucky Duck (from “Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation”): Sheesh. The Von Trapp family, they ain’t.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Entire Group: (sing) I mean, to argue’s indefensible…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But even God has had it with their singing and tries to smote them by tree.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lisa has fallen out of the car and slides down a snowy hill backwards on her sled; she looks behind herself and screams at the sight of a tree; As the camera does a quick close-up on the tree, the screen flashes and we hear a thud (presumably because Lisa had crashed into the tree))

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So in the…weirdest transition to a magical land, Lisa falls out of the car, slides down a hill on her sled and bumps into a tree. I’m sure C. S. Lewis was watching this shouting, (The movie poster for “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” is shown) “Gah! I knew I could’ve made that weirder!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lisa rides in the sky on her sled before we see all of Toyland)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Female Singer: Toyland, Toyland / Every child’s dream is Toyland

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So as you probably picked up, Toyland looks less like an enchanted kingdom and more like one of those bad Bible-themed amusement parks, like Christian Corners or Jehovah’s Wonderland.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lisa lands in a giant wedding cake)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Female Bunny: Oh! There’s a monster in Barnaby’s wedding cake!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Police Teddy Bear: He won’t be pleased with that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Female Frog: Well, he doesn’t deserve a wedding cake, anyway.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah! It’s a world so enchanted that animals don’t even need to blink or move their mouths when they talk. It may look like heinous budget cuts, but it’s all part of the magical experience.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnie (from earlier in the film): What the heck is that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: (introduces himself to Lisa) I’m Georgie Porgie, chief taster at the Toyland Cookie Factory. (He takes off his hat to hand her a cookie) Uh, here! Have a raspberry ripple.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Lisa) Wow, look at all the powdered sugar!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Georgie Porgie) That’s not powdered sugar.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: I’m going to a wedding.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: What’s so terrible about going to a wedding? Excuse me, but I thought they were supposed to be fun.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Not this one. My best friend Jack’s sweetheart Mary is about to marry that terrible, mean hick old Barnaby, but she really loves Jack.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Barnaby’s home, in the shape of a bowling ball)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): What the hell?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: See that house on the hill, the bowling ball?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) No. Where?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: That’s Barnaby’s house. Sometimes when he gets really angry, he rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over like they were nine-pins.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: God, this guy sounds really weird.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): No, your remote control disappearing under you is weird. Living in a bowling ball is fucking insane!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Why is Mary marrying terrible old Barnaby instead of your friend?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: ‘Cause Barnaby bought the mortgage on her mother’s house and said he’d throw them all out on the street if she didn’t. Well, Mary’s too loyal a daughter to let that happen. And what’s even worse, Barnaby is Jack’s uncle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Boy, does this guy do anything outside just shouting exposition?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Georgie Porgie) Now before we begin watching “The Fellowship of the Ring,” I think it’s only fair to go through the entire appendix of “The Lord of the Ring” trilogy. (He opens up a thick book with gold edges on the pages)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Audience: (groans) Awww!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Georgie Porgie, reads from the book) Aragorn and Arwen’s history is a long and complicated one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A rock is thrown off-screen, cutting the screen to black before NC is knocked out cold)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So as they roam through the land of furries, they finally come across Jack, who is not happy that Mary is marrying Barnaby.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Oh, the…woe.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Barnaby and two goons walk in)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: (to Lisa) That’s Barnaby with his two goons, Zack and Mack.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: But Mary’s so young and pretty. She can’t possibly marry a…hideous creature like that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yes, for as we all know, all pretty young people are good and should only marry other pretty young people, and all ugly people deserve to be shunned and only marry the leftover feces found in road kill.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jack tries to intervene and stop the wedding by going after Barnaby, but Zack and Mack block his way by holding their hands up to him in a pose)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Zack and Mack) Don’t fuck with us. We’ve been to mime school. Oooooh, I’m trapped in a box! I’m trapped in a box.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Justice Grimm: I now pronounce you…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: (steps forward) But she doesn’t love him! (The crowd murmurs) She loves Jack, and she really shouldn’t be marrying you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, even though she knows absolutely nothing about this person, Lisa tells Mary not to…marry, and Barnaby now, for whatever reason, is totally helpless to stop her. All he can do is threaten her with his Clinton thumb.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Barnaby grumbles and walks away from the wedding ceremony)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Let’s hear it for Lisa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The entire crowd cheers)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yay! She pointed out the painfully obvious, and it worked for no reason!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Chorus: (sings) Let’s cheer and fill the wrap music go and happily echo / Let’s fly away

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the animal chorus) Sorry, the other half of us would be singing if we had the ability to move our lips!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC begins to speak before interrupted by the appearance of the Ghost in his living room again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Ooooooh! Does this movie make you hate Christmas yet?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: No. I mean, it’s not good, but it doesn’t make me hate Christmas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sighs) Look, I don’t think you’re taking full advantage of this opportunity. The jokes just write themselves. Look! (He snaps his fingers before a Photoshopped image of Phelous Porteous’s head superimposed over the face of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is shown on his left) Ooooh, it’s the Ghost of Christmas Phelous!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: GET OUTTA HERE!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Oh, come on! This took me, like, four hours in Photoshop!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: GO!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Ghost snaps his fingers, making the Photoshopped image of the Ghost of Christmas Phelous fade away before he walks away and flips NC off)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So we cut to…(sighs regarding a sign labeled “Toyland” posted up high) You know, just putting the name of a magical place on the side of a barn doesn’t make it a magical place!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a Photoshopped image of a barn with the label “Paris” labeled on the front and French music plays in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as a husband) No, seriously, honey. We’re in France! (A smack is heard) Ow!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie, Barnaby blows his whistle to all the employees inside the cookie factory)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Cookie break!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(All the employees cheer and leave their posts)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Barnaby and the Nosferatu brothers have an evil scheme. They’re going to dump all the cookies down a trapdoor that I’m…shocked…nobody in the factory ever noticed before, and try to blame Jack for it. While that’s going on, Lisa is introduced to many of the residents in Toyland.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Widow Hubbard: (reads off from a long piece of paper) “How dare you not marry that nice rich Mr. Barnaby.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary Contrary: Because I don’t love him, and you know perfectly well why not, mother.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: I’m sorry, Mrs. Hubbard…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(In the background, Humpty Dumpty is seen sitting frozen on top of a high wall)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Uh, did Humpty Dumpty just die on that wall? I don’t think he’s breathing.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Widow Hubbard: Oh, I had an idea about that thing, too.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He’s here through this whole scene, and I swear to God he never moves a muscle! Just look at his dead eyes! You can totally tell they’re not alive! In fact, I think you can actually spot the moment when he leaves our world forever. (Pauses) And…there he went. I hope he’s handled with care. He can’t be easy to bury.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lisa and Mary Contrary come across little cars)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Oh, wow! What nifty little cars!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the two driving off in them)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (laughs, then speaks as an announcer) When in Disneyland, ride the Lame-mobile. For those of you who think the Dumbo ride is too exciting.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the cookie factory with Barnaby accusing Jack)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: (to Justice Grimm) Arrest that man. Six months inventory is missing, involving millions, many millions of cookies. (Cut to an inventory room with many empty shelves) Thousands of boxes of cookies gone!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): You know, it doesn’t seem very wise to have an entire cookie-based economy. Is Chips Ahoy, like, the Wall Street of this world? Was there an “Occupy Oreo” protest going on?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bill (from “Edward Scissorhands”): You can’t buy the necessities of life with cookies. You can’t buy a car with cookies, am I right, Jim?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jim (from “Edward Scissorhands”): That’s true, sir. You can’t.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Jack gets arrested, but his friends manage to break him out disgustingly easy. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bars were made of licorice; he could have just chewed his way out. Thus, they decide to go to the Toy Master –the ruler of Toyland—to fix everything.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: The Toy Master would never let that happen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: He let Barnaby put Jack in jail.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Yeah, but the Toy Master doesn’t know about that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Well, don’t you think it’s time that he did?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to our heroes driving in their little cars (Jack drives past the camera in a pink car with white flowers on it))

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wow. That’s the manliest image I’ve ever seen since He-Man stepped foot into his pink Cadillac. (A clip from “Masters of the Universe” with the pink Cadillac is shown briefly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The clip of Jack driving past the camera in his pink car is shown again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Jack) I’m off to find my dignity!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So they go to the Toy Master, played by Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita. Because clearly, this casting couldn’t get any more surreal!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Wow, he must be a really important person, the Toy Master.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Well…let’s put it this way. I don’t think Santa Claus would let just anybody make all the toys for all the children in the world, do you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: No.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Just like corporate America, when Santa’s too lazy to make things himself, he hands it over to the Asians. That’s productivity at its best!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Actually, a very big secret. A secret I’ve never shared with anyone before.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary Contrary: What secret?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Toy Master reaches down to get something below the screen, almost as though digging into his pants)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, no! (The Toy Master pulls out a key) Oh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to The Toy Master holding a large flask)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Toy Master: I’ve been collecting the evil of the world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: You have?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Toy Master: Yes. I seek it out and isolate it. I extract it, and then I distill its essence, and seal it in here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as the Toy Master) It also releases a hot blonde in a midriff. (He dances in place to the intro music to “I Dream of Jeannie”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Jack gets the idea to go back to the cookie factory to search for clues, because—of course—no authorities would be at the scene of the crime. (A Photoshopped image of a promotional picture from the “CSI” TV show featuring a smoking teddy bear and a snowman is shown briefly) Yeah, not “CSI: Toyland”’s best work. But Barnaby has a surprise for him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jack looks around the factory and notices the trapdoor with his foot; from up above, we see Zack and Mack watching him in secret)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Igor (from “Young Frankenstein”): (audio) What hump?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(After Jack stands on the trapdoor and figuring out what it means, Zack pulls a lever, opening the trapdoor and letting Jack fall through)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): (as Jack) Bogus!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jack slides down a tunnel underground and into a jail cell)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Barnaby captures Jack and tells him all about his evil plan to take over Toyland.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: I plan to own it, and when I do, there’ll be some interesting changes.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Over my dead body! (The word “body” is muffled a bit in his delivery)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (misinterprets) Over my dead butt?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: Over my dead body!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Not that I assume your butt or any part of your body was alive, but that doesn’t seem like a very good threat.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the rest of our heroes driving around in little cars again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Jesus, why do they drive everywhere?! This place has to be, like, a hundred feet long! You can hop on one foot and get there in good time!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Nobody’s ever been inside Barnaby’s house before. It could be very dangerous.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary Contrary: I’ll search it. You two stand guard.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: But, wait a minute, something—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary Contrary: I’m sorry, Lisa, but it’s time I did something besides cry.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Mary Contrary) That’s right! Fuck you, script writers! This role’s gonna have some meat!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(After having climbed into one of the holes of Barnaby’s bowling ball house, she screams and slides down a tunnel underground)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But—what a shock—going into a bad guy’s lair gets her captured, too. So they go back to the Toy Master to seek more advice.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Don’t you have the power to turn Barnaby into a…a wind-up pussycat or something?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: Oh, but what if there’s still some good inside of him?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: There’s no good in Barnaby, sir.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: The struggle between good and evil goes on inside of everyone.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: (bursts through the doors with a squawking black bird beside him) Not in me, old man!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the Toy Master, who gets tied up by Barnaby) I still think there’s good in you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: (as he and Lisa are tied up by Zack and Mack) Please! Please!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: (grabs hold of the large flask) Oh, the beautiful flask of evil!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: You don’t need any more evil, Barnaby.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): You know, I may not be an escape artist, but I think she can get out of that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (speaks blandly with a very loose rope on himself) Oh, my God. They got me. Ahhh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: Don’t you dare touch a hair on that child!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: I’m not a child.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Lisa) Yeah, a child doesn’t get drunk at age nine!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: You’re wrong, my interfering little Cinci-whatski.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Barnaby) leaves his bird to gobble them up when he—get this—accidentally cuts the ropes. Whoops!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Our heroes lure the bird into a large trunk)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Right here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Push him in!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The bird goes into the trunk before the Toy Master shuts the lid and locks it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): They outwit the creature and try to figure out what’s the best course of action.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: You and Georgie must find a way to get the flask of evil back.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: Why us?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: Well, because I’m old and you are young, and the challenge of protecting good from evil eventually always falls to the young. This is how we protect our traditions.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, this is how you protect your cowardly ass, you lying schmuck! I saw “Karate Kid”; you can wax on, wax off these bozos before “Happy Days” comes on!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Lisa and Georgie Porgie searching through a dark forest)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they think the answers lie in the forest, as they—(Lisa and Georgie fall through a hole in the ground, falling through tunnels underground) Oh, for God’s sake, how many of these trapdoors does this guy have?! It’s like the Underground Railroad if it was literally an underground railroad!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: You’re the monster of Toyland, Barnaby. How could you ever wish evil on the most wonderful place that ever existed? You’re insane!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Well, YES! (His voice cracks on the word “YES”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (reacts in surprise) What was that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Well, YES!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Did a pinch bull munch on his nuts while reading that line?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Well, YES!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (mocks Barnaby) Well, YES!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): So he starts to spray them with gas to turn them evil. But Lisa is immune because…she’s from Cincinnati?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Nothing’s happening to me. I guess I’m immune ‘cause I’m from…Cincinnati. Yes, Cincinnati!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Why does coming from Cincinnati make you immune? Do Cincinnati lungs breathe evil toxins all the time that they just become used to it?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Sing the song with me. It’ll keep your minds straight. (starts to sing) C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I, Cincinnati…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (is confused) Wait, so she makes them think they’re from Cincinnati that somehow cures them of being evil? What sense does that make?! Are they trying to convince us that Cincinnati is, like, the one true religion or something? Sheesh, they’re gonna go to every door in Toyland proclaiming the word!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (speaks to a toy black cat) And if you say the Cincinnati prayer enough, you’ll stay away from evil.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Black Cat Toy: But my lips move just as much as Thomas the Tank Engine’s!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Well, as long as you accept Cincinnati as your true Lord and savior, everything will be fine. What do you say about that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Black Cat Toy: Tiny Tom.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: What?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sighs after getting up from puppeteering the black cat toy) OK, look, look. Handsome Tom is a tall guy, so if we call him Tiny Tom, it could be just like the Willow joke.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: IT’LL BE EXACTLY LIKE THE WILLOW JOKE!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Yes, but it’s Christmas, so we’ll be forgiven.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: GET OUTTA HERE! (He beats on the Ghost, making him disappear off-screen)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the Cincinnati song, for whatever half-baked thought process, keeps them all good, and they manage to escape. But Barnaby has his own garage of children’s convertibles to chase them down as well.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Background Singers (from a Power Wheels commercial): (audio) Pow-Pow-Power Wheels! Pow-Pow-Power Wheels! Power Wheels! Power racing, go!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Our heroes and the villains drive around Toyland in their little cars)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Get the little one! I want her!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): You know, as…riveting as this chase sequence is, I can’t help but feel it’s missing a certain something. Let’s try it with this.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC adds in the music to Super Mario Kart over the chase sequence)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But they outwit Barnaby, so he feels it’s time to unleash his evil army on Toyland after giving them all the evil gas, because it…makes them eviler, I guess.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Barnaby lets his army out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: Yes! It’s all yours.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the Toy Master’s workshop)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: I have only toys here. Toys cannot protect us from anything. As long as there is one person within these walls…who can’t believe in them.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mary Contrary: Who doesn’t believe in toys?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Yeah! W-Whatever that means.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: There is one person who was never really a child. Life made her grow up too fast.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: It must be you, Lisa.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: Me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Georgie Porgie: You’re always saying, “I’m not a child.” And I guess maybe you never have been.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): “Always saying”? She brought it up twice throughout the entire movie! And even then, it was pretty much just glanced over! And what’s this about being forced to grow up too fast? We never saw anything to indicate she grew up too fast. She still talks like a kid, acts like a kid. What is she overcoming, a last minute ditch for a lazy writer to slip in a stupid plot thread?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: (to the Toy Master) What do I have to do?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: Believe in Toyland and all that it stands for.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Because she didn’t before? What is—?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: (sings) If you can see…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (picks up a remote) Okay, you know what? I’m kind of sick of this Santa fortune cookie shit.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC fast forwards through the song sequence)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I’m just gonna skip to the part where she overcomes her obstacles that they forgot to have written in.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lisa opens up a door to reveal a life-sized toy soldier)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: I believe in you, toy soldiers. Don’t you see? I believe in you. (She goes to open another door to reveal more life-sized toy soldiers) I believe in you, and all the toys!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The toy soldiers begin to march out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Ah, yes, just look at the dignity of the toy soldiers; the restraint in their movement, the dignity in their march, the fact that those masks are clearly too big for any of the actors wearing them. Sound the trumpet’s call!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The toy soldiers continue marching out as the “March of the Toy Soldiers” plays in the background; Ghost walks in front of the footage, mimicking the marching of the toy soldiers)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC sighs and places a hand on his forehead as Ghost says something indistinct)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Will you knock it off? I’m not doing a “Christmas Carol” parody!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: OK, OK. What happens if one of the producers actually made a video parody?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Well, I…guess if someone went to all the effort, I mean…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Good! Lupa’s already made one. She really wants to see the project move forward.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Really? Lupa’s on board?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Oh, yes! She’s really passionate about it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Well, Ok, let me see what video she sent. (He takes his remote to flip channels)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Channel static transition to Obscurus Lupa tied up in her chair with Christmas garland and having her mouth taped shut; she struggles to get loose)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: For God’s sake, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Well, she’s in the video.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But she’s tied to a chair!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: No, no, no! This is how she gets into character. It’s symbolic of how she’s breaking the bonds of her performance! It’s really quite beautiful.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: If you come near me again, I’m calling the cops.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: Ahh, joke’s on you! They’re already looking for me! Ha-Ha! (He runs off-screen before we hear a thud, presumably because he ran into a wall) Erg!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the toy soldiers go to fight the evil mutated Christmas trees and send them back to their…bowling ball of doom.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Toy Master makes a signal, and the toy soldiers start firing their guns at Barnaby’s army)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Whoa! This shit just got real! “Imagination,” nothing; a good gun and explosives is all you need to save the day!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The toy soldiers continue shooting before they come up to attack Barnaby’s army)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sings to the tune of “Red and Black” from the “Les Miserables” musical) Red, the blood of angry toys / Black, the dark of fire these ass

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as a toy soldier in the crowd) Cry, plastic, and let’s lift the Pound Puppies of war!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Chaos ensues in Toyland as the soldiers threateningly force Barnaby’s army out with their guns)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes or the skin of their obviously falling off masks. (A green arrow points to the white paper at the back of the head of one of the toy soldiers)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jack: (has caught Barnaby) Not quite yet, Uncle Barnaby. (He punches Barnaby)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Jack) See you at Thanksgiving!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So Barnaby and his evil army are defeated, and they’re banished out of Toyland forever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: For your evil against Toyland, you are hereby banished into the forest of the night forever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the Toy Master) And I’m only doing this because I still think there’s good in you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Barnaby: (runs away) Aah! Help!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The crowd cheers)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Mary and Jack finally get married, Lisa’s the flower girl, the whole destroyed cookie economy never comes into play, and Lisa is finally sent on her way home.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: But I haven’t said goodbye to the Toy Master!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: (wears a red cloak in the sleigh Lisa rides in and turns around to pull down his hood and reveal himself) Well, we should have a nice trip, Lisa, if you don’t mind a few bumps.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Hey-hey! It’s Santa Craus!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The crowd cheers as the Toy Master makes the wooden reindeer take off with his reins)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): (as Toy Master) Now, Acro! Now, Fried Rice! Now, Mushu with ham! On Wonton, on Dumpling, and Moo Goo Gai Pan!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Up high in the sky, Lisa takes a seat next to the Toy Master)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Toy Master: I think we’ll take the Milky Way, all the way. Hang on, child, and look out for the shooting stars.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yes, especially considering how little wind there is, hundreds of feet up in the air.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Out in space, The Toy Master flies his sleigh past a red planet)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Okay, film, there is no excuse. You should’ve reshot that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Lisa wakes up back at her house, and—wouldn’t you know it—it was all just a dream.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lisa: We must stay young and try to be good. And above all, we must believe. Then we’ll always have a merry Christmas and everything, won’t we? Always and always and always.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wait, one more time. I don’t think it was contrived enough.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A regular toy soldier stands by a present as Lisa looks on, hugging her teddy bear with a smile)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So one of the toy soldiers shoots her the Finger—I mean, gives her a salute, and they all live happily ever after.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So that was “Babes in Toyland” 1986. Is it bad? (Beat) OK, that’s a stupid question, but is it fun to watch?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the TV movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Well, I certainly say yes. It’s really campy and really plays on the cheesiness. It’s a great film to watch if you’re just looking to laugh your brains out at something so ridiculously silly. And personally, I had a ball watching it. So, if enjoyably bad movies are your thing, certainly check this one out. Maybe you’ll regret it, but you’ll have fun regretting it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sings off-screen) Nobody knows…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Excuse me one moment. (He gets up to leave)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sings off-screen) The trouble I’ve seen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the Ghost in a different room drinking to himself in sorrow)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (sings) Nobody knows but Jesus. (speaks normally) Oh, it’s so hard to cry when you don’t have any eyes!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC walks in)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (takes pity on Ghost) Hey, buddy. You doin’ OK? (He attempts to place a hand on Ghost)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Ghost recoils away in shame)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (sits down next to Ghost) Look, just because I’m not doing a “Christmas Carol” parody doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do some kind of Christmas parody. (Ghost grunts angrily before NC would lightly tap the back of his hand on him and react by recoiling away and sobbing to himself) Come on, buck up, little camper. Tell you what, why don’t I let you pick the next horrible Christmas movie I can do? It can be anything I hate.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: “The Grinch”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (Beat) It can be any of the Rankin/Bass stuff…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: “The Grinch”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (Beat) It could be the, uh, “Killer Snowman” movie…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: “The Grinch”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (Beat) What’s the name of that Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ghost: (points to the camera) Next week is “The Grinch”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Goddamn it!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Obscurus Lupa removes the tape from her mouth)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Obscurus Lupa: You know, maybe this isn’t the best way to get into character. <span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Calibri', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">Channel Awesome Tagline—Jack: Over my dead body!