MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time V

(The then-current Universal Studios logo plays before transitioning to the beginning of the movie.)

MarzGurl (vo): Allow me to start discussing The Land Before Time V on a positive note. Remember last time how I said that the title screens for the last few movies have just sort of come and gone? Well, I'm pleased to say that in this movie, they actually tried; not only does the movie not start off with that ridiculous cartoon-y crop plane version of the Universal logo, but it also has this dramatic space build-up before revealing the title to us, and then it just continues building up from there before the narrator even gets started. Wow, that's kind of new, what changed? Maybe director Roy Allen Smith had finally been directing enough of these direct-to-video sequels that he finally figured out how to make them start looking like real movies*. Now as usual, we're introduced to Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, and what are they doing? Fighting over food. Never mind the fact that they all live in the Great Valley, where food is immensely plentiful.

Cera: I think it should go to, say, the oldest.

Littlefoot: But that's you!

Cera: (smugly) I know.

MarzGurl (vo): Wait, wait, wait, back the continuity train up a second here! Did anybody but me here watch the first movie? Plainly, Ducky was born first and Cera second. Never mind, let them figure it out for themselves. Anyway, almost straight off the bat, the conflict of the movie pops up; a swarm of locusts fly in...

Grandpa Longneck: Swarming leaf gobblers?!

MarzGurl (vo): Eh, sure, leaf gobblers, which at first, Grandpa has mistaken for rain clouds.

Grandpa Longneck: Skywater?

MarzGurl (vo): Oh, enough with the baby names already! Leaf gobblers, skywater, sinking sands? I mean, I get that they're dinosaurs and not scientifically knowledged human beings and all, but really, is it necessary to call everything by a silly name? I mean, dinosaur names, maybe because they're all scientifically named, so calling them easier to say names, I guess, kinda sorta makes sense in a child-friendly sort of way, but everything? Like rain and bugs? When do we stand up and say enough is enough? I say now! Anyway, locusts eat everything in the Great Valley, so since there's nothing to eat, everybody leaves. Now see, this is really amazing, because when they leave, they don't do the logical thing and follow the river, because you know, water makes plants grow. They just stumble around in the driest, most uninhabited wasteland they could possibly find. I mean, maybe because they're not scientists, they just didn't know that water grows green food. Well, no, that can't be, because just a little later on in the movie, the kids stumble off and smell water and comment...

Littlefoot: And where's there's water, there's probably...

All (except Littlefoot and Spike): Green food!

MarzGurl (vo): So what the hell, people?! Did you design the entire population of the Great Valley to be stupid on purpose, just so that everyone would get into some kind of petty plot device? It's like the characters have this on/off switch on their brains controlled not by the circumstances around them, but rather by whenever the script writers thought it was convenient. Anyway, before we get too far ahead, everybody starts bickering, and as usual, it's caused by Cera's dad, because after all this time, he still hasn't figured out how not to be a complete jerk.

Topsy: We're splitting up! From now on, it's every herd for itself.

MarzGurl (vo): And of course, that means Littlefoot gets to come up with an incredibly cunning plan since the adults can never do anything right. The kids take it upon themselves to go find green food leaving good, deep footprints, so that their families can follow them and find them, thereby keeping them from splitting apart.

Cera: (Land Before Time II) What could go wrong?

MarzGurl (vo): But I love how even the kids already know how this whole thing works.

Littlefoot: It's up to us now!

MarzGurl (vo): See? After five movies, Littlefoot is now of the mind that he can go and do whatever he wants because the adults are completely incapable of either taking charge or behaving like parents. (Sarcastically) Great life lessons. This is when the kids all smell water, but it's not the water they were hoping for. Nope, it's the ocean, so nothing is growing around here. But there is an island. I love how they question how they'll get across when there's a land bridge right there! It takes them so long to see it, and after they finally get all the way across and these big waves come along and take out the land bridge they used to get there, and when the adults follow their footprints all the way up to the ocean, the adults completely don't see a green island just barely across the way. Is their eyesight really that bad? I mean, I expect Littlefoot's grandma and grandpa to have deteriorating vision, but everybody else? Really? Oh, and now the kids want to get back. Petrie could fly there and Ducky could swim there and alert the adults, but instead of that, they start singing an awful song about being afraid of the big water.

Ducky and Petrie: (singing) Big, big, big, big water / It's very big, big, big, big water...

MarzGurl (vo): I just don't get it! I mean, just before they cross the land bridge over, Ducky herself offered to swim across and Petrie offered to fly across. Now they don't want to?! You see what I mean about how the characters just do whatever just because it's convenient to keep the plot going in a particular direction? It's really maddening! Well, if there's one positive thing I can say about the song and dance routine, at least there's more visuals happening here than in the last several movies, especially the third one. Now, there's a lot more going on on the screen than just shuffling around in place. Now comes the part of the movie where they get into a mess and then try to get out of it. First, they try crossing the sea by riding across it on a log. They almost get there, but nearly get eaten by sharks, and before they know it, they've accidentally gotten themselves back on the island. Back to the old drawing board! Before they can plan anything else though, they have to sing again.

All: (singing) Always there / someone you can count on to comfort you...

MarzGurl (vo): Initially, the song wouldn't seem so bad, except when all the characters start singing together, it sounds awful! Through a combination of their voices all being so startlingly different sounding to begin with, and the fact that they aren't all hitting the notes accurately as soon as they come out of their mouths, it just sounds like a kindergarten choir, and I don't mean the kind to have been through formal choral training. But I have to point out the positive: this song marks the first time in four movies that any reference to Littlefoot's mother comes up.

Littlefoot: (singing) I remember now, like it was yesterday / she would hold me close, and then I'd hear her say: / "You know I'll never leave you, you can find me everywhere / in the morning light, the evening star, I'm always there"

MarzGurl (vo): Well, that's something worth acknowledging, anyway. When they wake up the next morning, they see the huge shadow of a Sharptooth closing in. Now where did we see a shadow trick used before? Oh, right, movie two, where Chomper would frequently use his shadow to scare enemies into thinking he was much larger than he really was. Guess what? He's back! Chomper returns, and this time, he speaks.

Chomper: Littlefoot?

(The kids shake in fear and Littlefoot opens his eyes to see...)

Littlefoot: Chomper?

Chomper: Yep, it's me.

MarzGurl (vo): You know, much like Spike, I found what little charm Chomper had was that he didn't speak. I guess it was bound to happen as he aged, but still, I really wish he wouldn't speak. Anyway, he takes them to try and get them to meet his parents.

Chomper: I know they'll like you.

Cera: How? Rare, medium, or well done?

MarzGurl (vo): Wait a second now, if everybody has baby terms for really common things, how could they possibly know terms for how to cook food? D'oh, forget it, anyway, duh! Taking your friends to meet your flesh-eating parents isn't exactly a great idea, so instead, Chomper hides them in a bed of smelly flowers and goes to get everybody some tasty green food, which is when another not so great song comes up.

All (except for Littlefoot): (singing) Friends for dinner...

Littlefoot: (singing, sounding strangely high pitched) He just wants to have friends for dinner...

MarzGurl (vo): Chomper offers to take care of them on the island, but the kids insist that they need to get home. So for now, they go their separate ways, which is when a whole new Sharptooth enters the picture! After a bit of a not all that exciting chase, the five main characters end up stuck on a ledge overlooking the big water. Then Chomper comes to the rescue. Unfortunately, he just ends up in the exact same position as everybody else, which is when mommy and daddy Sharptooth come to the rescue. And actually, whoa, this is kinda bloody! I'm a little surprised, actually. Somehow in all the commotion, both the bad Sharptooth and Chomper end up knocked into the ocean. Littlefoot gets the bright idea to dive in and save Chomper, but now they're both stuck in the ocean. Love your thinking skills there, Littlefoot. Luckily, it just so happens that an Elasmosaurus named Elsie saves the day and brings them ashore. And with this totally coincidental meeting, the kids now have a safe means of travel back to the mainland. They say their goodbyes to Chomper and his parents and make their way back to shore with their own families, who have just so happened to have found food, like, right there! I have no idea how they missed this mini paradise so much earlier in the movie, but hey, they found it now. And again, the kids don't get scolded for having run off and cause panic and chaos, and finally with enough time, the Great Valley grew its greenery back and everybody moved right back in, which isn't something they spend very much time on at all, but whatever.

So, here's what I'll say about this movie: was it as good as the last movie? No. Was it as good as the first movie? Hell, no! Was it better than movie three? Oh, yes, very yes! At this point, if I would have to make a 1 to 10 scale, movie three would be sitting at the bottom with a one, the first movie sits at the top with a score of ten, and this movie, The Land Before Time V, is hovering somewhere around the very middle. I'm surprised with myself that I didn't hate this as much as I was expecting. Does that mean that the movies have reached some kind of equilibrium and will just sort of level off in quality at this point? Well, I wouldn't count on that just yet. There's still a long way to go.

(Cuts to the credits)

* NOTE: Roy Allan Smith only directed The Land Before Time II, III, and IV.