Cats and Dogs

(NC 2016 opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, kids! You like cat videos? (Kids are heard cheering) You like dog videos? (Kids cheer again) You wanna see a movie about them? (Audience boos) Well, too bad, that's what we got! (Takes out a Cats & Dogs DVD and shows it right to the camera) EAT IT! EAT IT!!!

(The title of the movie is shown, before showing clips from the movie)

NC (vo): Ever see that movie that looks really stupid, but then are shocked when it turns out to be a surprisingly good film? Well, this is one of those bad-looking films you'd think might be a surprisingly good film, resulting in a surprisingly bad film. The idea for this is right out of a Warner Bros. cartoon, it can be pretty funny and imaginative. But instead, you're left wondering which category to put it in: (pictures of) "Kitty Litter" or "Pooper Scooper".

NC: So, let's find out the truth about cats and dogs... (He stops for a moment, before yelling) One of you must be a Janeane Garofalo Rom-Com Fan! (The poster for The Truth About Cats & Dogs is shown) TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE! (Speaks normally) This is Cats and Dogs.

NC: (vo) It opens with the world's fastest sunrise, where we see a cat and dog pretty much just being a cat and dog.

(The dog chases the cat up a tree, crashing into the trunk, then starts pushing against the tree, making it swing back and forth with CGI)

NC: Until it turns into a really bad Doritos commercial.

(The dog jumps up and grabs the tree's top branch, bringing the cat further down to the ground)

NC: (vo) Fun fact, this was actually supposed to be a crossover between "Crappy CGI Garfield" and "Crappy CGI Marmaduke".

NC: Until they realized, "No."

(Cut to a woman at a house making a pie)

NC (vo): We cut to a woman setting a pie on the window sill in her 50's style dress with a bow in her apron...

NC: Because somebody somewhere thinks somebody somewhere still does that.

NC (vo): ...when the cat and dog land on her. (The cat lands on the woman first, with the woman making a shocked face with a gasp before the impact) Now her reaction to the cat landing on her is fine, but look at her face when the dog lands on her.

(As soon as the woman gets up, the dog comes in and lands on her, with the woman making a blank, shocked face before the impact)

NC (vo; laughs): What the hell kind of face is that?

NC: Comedic expressions are supposed to get bigger as more stuff happens, not scale down. How do you even duplicate that face?

(Comedic music plays as NC attempts to duplicate the woman's reaction. It goes on for a bit, before NC gives up)

NC: What direction do you give to get a face like that?! (As the director) All right, I want you to act like you just discovered you lost your first-born child, but you found out while shoving the world's greatest vibrator in you. (The woman's expression is shown again, with a vibrator sound effect) Specific, but...confusing.

(As the woman lands on the ground after the dog lands on her, her pie lands on her face)

NC (vo): After presumably suffering third-degree burns, the dog comes across what he thinks is the ran-over cat.

(The dog approaches the seemingly dead cat lying on the road. Cut to a clip from Army of Darkness)

Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.

(A van suddenly appears, with the license plate "CATZRUUL" and captures the dog)

NC (vo): But a van of cats comes by to abduct him, and if you're thinking to yourself, "Okay, that was a tolerable short film", I'm sad to say that movie comes with it.

(Cut to a dog named Butch looking at a large computer in his doghouse)

Collie: Control here.

Butch: We've got a serious problem.

(Cut to a dog getting a newspaper showing a picture of the dog, with the word "catnapped")

NC: Uh, shouldn't that be "dognapped"? If you're kidnapped, you're not held hostage by a kid. (Beat) Unless it's this kid. (An image of a toddler holding a shotgun is shown) But I'm never taking that babysitting job again.

NC (vo): We then cut to a farm, where a new litter of puppies are waiting in a barn. Just guess which one of them is the dreamer. And when I say "dreamer", I'm using the movie definition meaning, "Never happy wherever the hell you are".

Lou: I want adventure, not wait for someone to take me to some boring, old house. Don't you want to do something exciting? Like be a police dog! What about one of those Russian space dogs, or maybe sample the Great Bones of Europe?

NC: (As Lou) You know, as dogs, we're not so easily entertained. Why can't I yearn for never being satisfied?!

NC (vo): That's Tobey Maguire, by the way, as Lou, the main character. And as much as I love to imagine Maguire in pain, I have to admit, it's not much fun watching a dog get seriously injured.

(Lou's attempt to break out of the barn ends with him smacking into a wall and falling down into a pile of hay)

NC (vo): I know it's effects and everything, but how much fun is it really to constantly see cute little doggies get pummeled into hard, solid walls? Isn't that, like, what sick kids watch?

(Cut to a sketch showing the tantrum-throwing girl from the Labyrinth review, again played by Tamara, and her brother, played by Malcolm, watching a video on a laptop. Malcolm is enjoying this, but Tamara is not)

Tamara: Is that a dog's head being smashed into a wall?

Malcolm: Uh-huh.

Tamara: Is that another dog falling through a window?

Malcolm: Yep.

Tamara: Is that a...

Malcolm: Yes.

Tamara: ...missing...

Malcolm: Yes!

Tamara: ...from his...

Malcolm: Yes!

Tamara: What is wrong with you?!

Malcolm: It's okay. It's funny, because it has cartoon sound effects.

Tamara: I'm telling Mom and Dad that you're watching this!

(The mother, played by Tamara, suddenly comes in, holding the DVD cover of the movie)

Mom: All right, kids, time to watch Cats & Dogs.

(The father, played by Doug, comes in and sits down on the couch next to Malcolm and Tamara)

Dad: It's rated PG, so we just have to tell you not to say the one swear word they use in the movie.

(Mom puts on the movie. We hear sounds of dogs growling and punching blows. Dad and Malcolm are enjoying this, but Tamara is not. She tries to turn away, but Dad forces Tamara to keep watching by turning her head back to the TV)

Mom: It's funny because it has cartoon sound effects.

Dad: By the way, honey, what's for dinner?

Mom: You guys like hot dogs, right?

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): So the puppies are being sold off, but it looks like they're replaced by other dogs from a secret organization.

Doberman Drill Sergent: (To the puppies) Top-secret operation! Into the hole! Double time, into the hole!

NC (vo): Oh, by the way, you never see those puppies again. They vanish from the rest of the movie. What are we supposed to assume they did with them?

(Cut to a Photoshopped skit of the Doberman Sergent ordering the puppies to a secret room)

Doberman Drill Sergent (voiced by NC): All right, puppies, into the room! Into the room! (The room is shown to have the sign "Taco Bell Breakfast Ingredients". The room's door closes) Good work.

NC (vo): So one of the replacement dogs is supposed to be adopted, but Lou is left behind and gets picked up instead.

Agent Dogs: NOT GOOD!

NC (vo; chuckles): Yes, that one on the left (An arrow points to a dog in the left bowing his head down) looked particularly disappointed.

NC: It looks like he's distracted by something on the ground, but he's just so destroyed by what's going on right now, he can't even keep his head up. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if...

NC (vo): ...EVERY dog in this movie has that exact same reaction! Just constantly looking all over the place as if they're distracted.

NC: But it's not. It's the pain of this one scene that's ripping everybody up inside! (Beat) I know, I read the script. It's in crayon.

(The movie's script, which is written in crayon, is shown)

NC (vo): The irony is, as poorly as the animals are trained in this movie, some of the actors are trained even worse. Take this kid, for example. He's as invested as a wooden board who just found out he's a wooden board.

(Cut to a scene where the mother introduces Lou to her son, Scott, who doesn't seem impressed with Lou)

Scott: Okay. How about "Loser"?

NC (vo): But what can you expect when you're the son of Jeff, uh, Gold, uh, Blum, uh?

(The father, Professor Brody, played by Goldblum, looks at Lou)

Professor Brody: Proboscis viscosity. (Licks Lou's nose) Immune response. (Sniffs Lou)

NC (vo; as the director): Uh, Jeff, we haven't started recording yet.

Rob Walker (vo; as Jeff Goldblum): I know.

(After sniffing Lou, Brody sneezes)

NC (vo): He plays a scientist who's trying to find a cure for dog allergies. (We see the door for Brody's laboratory) Though, by his cartoony door, you'd swear he was trying to figure out how to blow up anyone who came towards Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin.

Rob (vo; as Goldblum): DuckTales, whoo-hoo!

NC (vo): Lou is approached by a secret agent dog named Butch, played by Alec Baldwin.

Butch: Humans can get a little emotional. You'll get used to it.

NC: Ideal casting having Alec Baldwin play a bitch. (Suddenly, a whistle is heard blowing and a yellow card is thrown at NC, while a crowd yells in anger) Oh, come on! Come on!

(A referee, played by Malcolm, comes in)

Referee: Flag. Doing a review, too easy a joke. Replay last line. Critic has to say something nice about the movie.

(The referee leaves, leaving NC angrily thinking about what to do next. A soccer scoreboard is shown on the bottom, as two commentators are heard)

Commentator #1: Man, this is a real tough break for the Critic.

Commentator #2: Uh, I hear you, Frank. But if you look at the replay, he clearly took too obvious a stab at an easily unlikeable actor.

Frank: Right you are, Ken.

Ken: Oh, it looks like he's going to try and say something positive about the film.

NC: At least it's not Santa Paws?

(The referee returns and holds his arms up, signaling acceptance)

Frank: And it is good! It works! The review can continue!

(Just like they said, the movie continues)

NC (vo): Butch fills in what he thinks is a cadet about the catnapped...that still makes no sense to me...agent.

(An image of the "catnapped" dog is shown)

Butch: This was your predecessor, Agent 1364, AKA Buddy.

NC (As Butch): We nicknamed him "Testicle Chin". Try to guess why.

(Lou and Butch are then shown meeting other members of the team)

Butch: Sam, what's your 20?

(Sam, a sheepdog, is shown doing a delta approach by doing several fast rollovers across the road)

NC (vo: as Butch): That's Sam. He fast-fowards the film. (Various scenes are shown) In fact, all of us seem to do that a little too much in this movie, but...

NC: ...I have no excuse out of that. It's just sloppy.

Sam: Request permission to pant heavily, sir.

Butch: Granted.

(Sam pants heavily, creeping NC out)

NC: I hope that was just panting. (Sam pants heavily) Don't play that again. (Sam pants heavily) I don't need to think about him touching his Kibble and Bits. (Sam pants heavily) All right, screw it, I'm just gonna close my eyes and think of more pleasant things.

(He closes his eyes, thinking of something. An image of Catherine Zeta-Jones is shown)

NC (vo): Ah...that's much... (Suddenly, Jones' face gets pasted onto a still-panting heavily Sam, scaring NC) Aah!

NC: Great! You forced me to combine the two! (Sam, with Jones' face still pasted on, pants heavily) Actually, I might've started a brand new fetish.

NC (vo): But Lou reveals he's not an agent, and Butch tells Fox McCloud his disappointment.

Butch: You promised me a professional! And what do I get? A puppy.

Collie: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion.

NC: And if you can tell Slippy to save his own warded ass every once in a while, that'd be super.

(We see the film's villain, a Persian cat named Mr. Tinkles, in several scenes)

NC (vo): We then cut to our main villain of the film, Mr. Tinkles, voiced by Sean Hayes. This is the best character in the movie. Not because he's written the best or performed the best, but because most of the time, he's completely animated, allowing more control over the character.

Mr. Tinkles: (various scenes) So if you'll open the Word Domination pamphlets to page 3, I'll show you. / I want you to stay here.

Calico: Why?

Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you.

NC (vo): With all the others, it's clear they're just waving their treats in front of them, so they always look unfocused, and it's distracting as hell. But this character looks like he's always in the moment because he's animated that way.

Mr. Tinkles: At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?!! (Thunder is heard)

NC: In fact, why wasn't this an animated film?

NC (vo): With all the CG used in this, it actually would've been a pretty good CGI film, with fewer limitations. Instead, we just have uninvested animals looking like uninvested animals, just with little talking mouths put over them.

NC: Why would anybody watch anything with a character they know wasn't really in the moment?

Mom: (holding a video camera) Hey, Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Huh? Who are you?

Mom: Look left. (NC does so) Look right. (NC does so) Look up. (NC does so)

NC: This confuses me.

(Mom stops recording)

Mom: Thank you.

NC: Wait. Why'd you have me do that?

Mom: No reason. (walks away)

NC: (confused by what just happened) Okay.

NC (vo): So the dogs tell Lou the backstory of their war between the cats.

(The backstory is explained through images of Ancient Egypt)

Butch: He [Shen-Akh-Akumon] forced them to build pyramids, monuments. The dogs, being man's best friend, rose up.

NC (vo): You know, do we really need a reason for cats and dogs to hate each other? We kind of just get it. Everybody knows what'll happen if that wasn't the case.

(Cut to a clip from Ghostbusters)

Peter Venkman: Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

(Back to the movie)

Lou: And the people just forgot?

Peek: Well, you have to remember, they're a very primitive species. Heck, they can't even take responsibility for their own farts.

(A fart is head, and it's from Sam, who chuckles)

Sam: Guilty.

NC (vo): Well, I'll give him this. For a film of this stature, that was a long time to wait for their inevitable fart joke. What is that, like, 20 minutes?

NC: In fart joke years, that's like an eternity.

NC (vo): So Goldblum once again tests out his allergy cure.

(The test fails, with Brody's hand getting covered with boils)

Rob (vo; as Goldblum): Oh, no. It's, uh, turning me into the Fly. Help me. Help me.

NC (vo): Even though it's not finished yet, two ninja cats try to sneak in to get the formula.

(The Ninja Cats fight against Lou, with random cartoon sound effects being heard)

NC (vo): You know...I don't know if this movie understands when to use its cartoon sound effects, particularly the "ayiyiyiyiyiyi".

(The "ayiyiyiyiyi" sound effect is heard in several bits of the movie)

NC (vo): Random cartoon sounds don't suddenly equal comic gold. They need to match the mood and pacing.

NC: For example, (brings out a plush ALF toy) this works.

ALF: Oh, hey, there, buddy...

(NC smashes the screaming ALF on the table a couple times, with bashing sound effects being heard)

NC: This doesn't. (Continues smashing ALF, which random sound effects being heard) Go back to Acme Looniversity (an image of Acme Looniversity from Tiny Toon Adventures pops up) until you pass your exams!

ALF: All I did was give you dated 80s comedy.

(NC throws ALF away. Back to the movie, where one Ninja Cat leaps in to attack Lou, via the Bullet Time slow-motion effect)

NC (vo): Little known fact: This was the first film to actually parody The Matrix.

NC: Oh, wait, no, it wasn't. It was the 157,000th. But it still feels really fresh, right?

Ninja Cat #1: Ling Chow this! (Kicks Lou into a kitchen bin) Clean up on aisle 7. (Brief cut to an early bit in the fight) Sorry!

NC (vo; imitating the Ninjas, singing): We are racist-ese, if you prease!

(The Ninjas are shown retreating by flying towards the moon)

NC (vo): The cats escape, but Butch explains the seriousness of the situation.

Lou: Did you see when I had them going? With a right and a left and a right and a left...

Butch: And then you got cocky. You think this is a game? You think this is fun? This isn't about code names, little boys or making friends.

NC (as Butch): You think these are goofy times or wacky antics? This is Cats & Dogs! We only use our "ayiyiyi" sound effect as a last resort!

NC (vo; still as Butch): I know it may look like we're excitable animals with a bit of string being waved over us...

NC: ...but this is deadly serious!

Mom: Hey, Nostalgia Critic!

(NC turns to see the mom, recording him again with her camera. She starts waving a string)

NC: Why are you doing that? (starts moving his hands around) By God, I just want to bat at it. W-why why, what is the purpose of this? I do not understand.

Mom: (closes camera) It's all I need.

(The mom walks away)

NC: (confused by what just happened) Who are you?!

(We go to сommercial break)

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): So Lou comes across a dog Ivy, played by Susan Sarandon, who seems familiar with their undercover operation.

Ivy: Glad I'm not the only one excited about the chicken.

Lou: I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave! My orders are clear: I am not to....

Ivy: Orders?! (Climbs down the bin to stand in front of Lou; her front legs showing in front of the camera)

NC: (As Ivy) My weird, floating alien legs question that.

(Ivy gives Lou a belly scratch)

Ivy: Ooh, tough guy. Stop with the agent stuff.

NC (vo): Okay, the almost perverted imagery in this film is almost making me uncomfortable.

(The clip of Sam panting heavily is shown again)

NC: Okay, now it's making me uncomfortable!

(The two bits of Sam panting heavily and Ivy scratching Lou on the belly are both shown)

NC (vo): I don't like this R-rated cut for The Secret Life of Pets!

Lou: Could you do that again?

NC (vo): But it looks like the boy isn't getting enough time with his busy father...because we're 40 minutes in. I guess we can start using that cliche.

(The mother confronts Brody, who comes out of his room wearing a lab mask)

NC (vo; creeped out): Yeah, he's building a bomb. Dog allergies, my ass. You're gonna see his name at an ISIS auction very soon, I can assure you.

NC: And if you go to Isis auctions, can you give me a name? I just wanna make a few calls. (Brings out his cell phone and starts typing numbers)

NC (vo): But that's okay, because Lou keeps him company and... (Scott is shown sitting down, covered with a soccer net) How the bitch did you get caught in a soccer net?!

NC: No, seriously. That's not just stupid, that's baby-proof the Stairs Moronic!

(Scott gets the net off himself to look at Lou)

NC (vo; as Scott): You'll replace my father now. (normal) But Butch doesn't like everyone getting sentimental with Lou, and tells them to back off.

Butch: (Speaking to Ivy) You're barking up the wrong tree. I'm gonna say this nice, just once. (The camera focuses on Butch's eyes in close-up) Stay away...from the kid.

(A close-up of Ivy's eyes is shown)

NC: Wow. Not since I put two dot eyes on a stick figure I drew in first grade have I seen such...

NC (vo): ...dead, emotionless eyes staring back at me. This is one of the few times there's no music in the movie either. Every other second, there's an annoying "do-ti-do-ti-do-ti-do-ti". But here, this close-up is so intense, they actually leave the music off, like they know the drama of this scene.

NC: You will believe a dog can have no idea what he's supposed to be looking at.

NC (vo): Sorry, a close-up of eyes doesn't automatically equal high drama.

Mom: Hey, Nostalgia Critic!

''(NC turns and sees the mom, sitting down, filming him again. The scene cuts back and forth between NC and the mom as the camera gets closer to their faces each time and a dramatic sound plays during each cut).

Mom: (closes the camera) Thank you.

(NC stops the mom as she gets up to leave)

NC: Wait. What are you doing?

Mom: That of which you cannot comprehend.

NC: Oh.

(She walks away)

NC: Wait a minute. You tried to make it sound like something that was nothing!

Mom: (offscreen) Make America great again!