Teen Titans

Attention: This a fanfiction and part of my Reimu Series.

(We see the door to the filming room. Just then, Reimu steps out. She also epically looks onward to the fake audience cheering for her as an epic choir sings. Reimu then walks through the right archway.)

Tamara Chambers (VO) (as crowd member): Uh, does she know the TV's the other way?

(Reimu returns, as the choir and cheering resumes, then sits on her sofa.)

Reimu: Hello! I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Seeing how we're in the middle of our DC Marathon, I thought it'd be a good time to look at a show that's nostalgic to me.

Teen Titans intro plays

Reimu (voiceover): Teen Titans was based on the superhero team of the same name and aired on Cartoon Network from 2003 to 2006. The Titans are led by Robin and consist of Raven, Starfire, Beast Boy, and Cyborg.

Reimu: (Pause) Cyborg is freakin' hot. I specifically chose to review this show today to admit I have a crush on him. Never in my life have I thought a black person could be hot until I first saw Cyborg in a '90s Justice League issue, during the '90s. HOWEVER. Here, he isn't hot. He just sounds like a standard black guy in this show, and it honestly isn't attractive. Yeah.

Reimu (voiceover): The show is a classic among DC fans though, even though I rarely watched it. With that said, let's watch the one episode I saw of it I can remember well, "Crash."

The episode begins

Beast Boy: C'mon, c'mon, yes! By simply turning off all those security systems and connecting to an underground server in eastern Zandia...

Reimu (voiceover): Is that like Gensokyo?

Beast Boy: ...I, Beast Boy, have successfully gotten my hands on an advanced copy of the hottest new video game, Mega Monkeys 4!

Reimu: Mega... Monkeys... 4. (shrugs as a "wa-wa" sound plays, text "With apologies to the Nostalgia Critic" at the bottom for a second) Great, you blew up the wa-wa machine! (Wawa logo appears for a second)

Beast Boy runs past Robin and Starfire

Starfire: And then...

Beast Boy runs into the main room and attempts to play the game

Beast Boy: Look out monkeys, here I come!

But the disc falls out of the player.

Reimu (voiceover): You didn't even put it in correctly!

Beast Boy: Game Station must have not enough horsepower.

Reimu (voiceover): Or maybe the game wasn't made for it. Touhou can't run on Mac. But I digress.

Beast Boy: But I bet the Titan mainframe does.

Beast Boy runs past Raven; he puts the game in the computer, doesn't work

Reimu (voiceover): So Beast Boy can't find a computer that can play the game. As a last resort, he heads to...

Beast Boy heads to a door labelled "Cyborg," cut to Reimu rubbing her palms together

Reimu: Oh, boy.

''Beast Boy enters the room and attempts to play the game. It turns on for a few seconds''

Beast Boy: Sweet!

But it stops and the computer short-circuits."

Beast Boy: Not sweet.

He's in a panic trying to get the computer to stop sparking.

Beast Boy: Better move before I... Cyborg walks in and Beast Boy screams

Reimu (voiceover): Sadly, Cyborg just sounds like a black guy here...

Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here?

Reimu points her left finger in a manner that suggests she is getting aroused

Reimu: I have a confused boner. How he said that... can I hear it again?

The scene plays again, much to Reimu's joy.

Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here?

Reimu: I thought he sounded like a standard... but now he sounds hot... hmmmmm...

Cyborg: You been messin' with my computer?

Reimu's "confused boner" gets stronger

Reimu: (confused and flabbergasted) ...uh, um, eh... ayy... (Pause) (in an imitation of Toby Jones) Better come down here and get some of this shit!

Back to the episode

Beast Boy: Me? No? Uh, that's your computer? Then what's this?

Cyborg: My system recharger. And speakin' of, I could use a little juice.

Reimu (voiceover): Beast Boy tries to tell Cyborg he accidentally gave it a virus, but it's too late. And now Cyborg has a virus. ...(she then has her head down, speechless to say anything)

The intro plays, in Japanese

Puffy AmiYumi: Kyou mo koutsu ruru wo mamoru yo! Teen Titans! Suki-kirai naku nan demo taberu yo! Teen Titans!

Reimu (voiceover): Episodes that were serious had the theme song sung in English; the Japanese version was only sung in comedic episodes like this one, with the exception of "Winner Take All," "Deep Six," and "Nevermore." The Japanese version was sung in English in Trouble in Tokyo.

Footage from that

Cyborg: (singing) Holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler my name! TEEN TITANS! Half of your troubles will be gone! TEEN TITANS!

The footage is intercut with Reimu making different WTF faces every second, cut back to footage, cut to Reimu making more faces, cut back to footage

Reimu: (apparently liking it after the fact and taking the lyrics literally) CYBORG! ...that didn't work, did it? (shrugs) Oh, well. (Wa-wa plays again)

Back to the episode

Cyborg: Oh I'll tell you what's goin' on...

Reimu (voiceover): He doesn't sound as...

Cyborg: This is the best peanut griddle I've ever tasted.

Reimu FACEPALM

Reimu: Wh-what you doing there? Are you? You sound like the guy from Jones' BBQ and Foot Massage.

Footage from the video, what Reimu was quoting earlier

Toby Jones: Hell, this here's a dinosaur!

Back to the episode

Beast Boy: He's just excited. I got an advanced copy of Mega Monkeys 4.

Reimu (voiceover): Shut up and tell the truth; you did this!

Starfire: My stew grund mix which made you physically sick?

Ignoring the visuals, and only hearing Starfire's dialogue, Reimu puts her head down in dismay

Reimu: Y'know, I'd rather see THAT than... (begins to cry) why did I choose this episode? (Pause) Ohhhh... I know why, but I don't exactly remember it... I GOTTA! I GOTTA! I GOTTA! I GOTTA!

Raven: Seriously weird.

Reimu: THANK YOU.

Reimu (voiceover): So they get Gizmo to check it out and Raven intimidates him into doing it.

Gizmo: Ewww, your brain is thrashed. What kind of sludge-sniffing idiot gets infected with the Endzone virus?

Reimu: You callin' my husbando an idiot? Bitch please.

Gizmo: I gotta shrink down, go in, and hit the virus where it lives.

Reimu half smiles, back to episode.

Reimu (voiceover): So they inject Gizmo and Beast Boy in and then try to prevent shit from happening. Yeah, yeah. (a mouse appears and opens porn) LET ME FINISH THE REVIEW.

Gizmo: Rassin' frassin' Titans!

SpongeBob footage

Swordfish: Crashin' frashin' breakdancers!

Back to episode

Gizmo: Fix this guy? I don't even like this guy!

Reimu: I do.

Beast Boy: My friend's the one in trouble, so I'm here whether you like it or not.

Reimu (voiceover): OHHHHHHHHH! NOW I KNOW WHY I PICKED THIS EPISODE! I COMPLETELY DO! They're inside Cyborg; I get to see the inside of my husbando.

Footage of the inside of Cyborg is shown

Reimu (voiceover): Look at this, look at this! Sweet Byakuren.

Beast Boy: What are those?

Gizmo: White blood cells; Cyborg's human immune system thinks we're the virus.

Reimu (voiceover): Hahahahaha, yeah, very funny.

Viral drones appear

Beast Boy: They're gonna eat us!

Reimu (voiceover): Relax, that's just a Bannette horde.

So they finally get to the brain, where they encounter the Endzone virus that's addling Cyborg. And making him not hot.

Endzone virus: Threat level, minor. Deletion imminent.

Reimu: (imitating Endzone virus) I'm so bored. THERE CAN BE O- oh, fine.

Beast Boy makes copies of himself, surrounds the Endzone virus, and it blows up; Beast Boy and his copies laugh as Reimu talks

Reimu (voiceover): So Beast Boy makes... (intercut with SpongeBob footage) a million of him, (back to episode) the thing explodes, and they get out.

Cyborg: What happened? Aw, my stomach... (Reimu beams in delight at this, but when she thinks Cyborg sounds like the "standard black guy," she stops.) Feels like I ate a tire. (Then he burps and Reimu gets angry.)

Raven: That's a distinct possibility.

Cyborg: Something musta overloaded my systems and triggered an automatic reboot; after that, virus protection came back online. Whatever got into me, it's out. (He wipes his nose on his arm, green mucus is on his arm now, Reimu is excited by what he just did)

Reimu blinks, her smile frozen

Reimu: (Pause) Ha-hey! (The jingle that plays when you win a level in Puyo Puyo plays)

Robin: Beast Boy, he did it!

Cyborg: Aw man, that better not be who I think it is.

Reimu's moment of rapture is ruined by that and she gets angry.

Beast Boy: Then we waded through all this black goop to get inside your brain...

Cyborg: Whoa, I appreciate what you did for me, but dude, please; it's hard enough knowin' you were runnin' around in there, but do I have to know what else was in there?

Reimu: (as the words appear below her) FET-ISH SH-OW.

Robin: I have to hand it to you, Beast Boy. What you did was...

Raven: Pretty clever. For you.

Beast Boy: I may not be smart enough to do anything, but I'm dumb enough to try anything.

Starfire: What became of Gizmo?

And Gizmo's swimming in mucus...

Gizmo: Rassin' frassin' Titan! Crud!

The episode ends

Reimu: (blinks silently) That was it. That was it. That's the only episode I've seen and... (Pause) It was good! It was good! I liked it! I liked seeing the inside of Cyborg, HIS INSIDES ARE AS HOT AS HE IS! But one problem. Did they have to make him act like he was on drugs the entire time?

Footage while Reimu speaks

Reimu (voiceover): If they had made him become evil, I would truly really love this episode.

Reimu: But they didn't. And I'm sad. (starts to cry) Wait- I can fix this. I can write my own version, I can try and get the production team to... OH, WHATEVER.

("Plastic Love" by Mariya Takeuchi starts playing)

Reimu: I guess the voice of Cyborg here is hot. He is actually hot. Just now did I realize I liked his voice here. COME AT ME, HUSBANDO! I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND DO IT NOW THINKING OF YOU LISTENING TO THIS SONG! I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Good NIGHT!

Credits, set to the tune "Reimu's Coloring Book."

Channel Awesome Tagline -- Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here?