How to Be a Pirate: Swords

Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer.

Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title, meant to be carved into a piece of wood like in a bar] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” ''[fade out, then fade in on this graphic: Dead Skull’s Pub. Underneath those words is a drawing of a skull and crossbones; the skull has X’s for eyes and yellow teeth. Beneath the skull reads: “Oh my God! That Skull is DEAD!“]'' coming from Dead Skull’s Pub!

''We dissolve to inside the pub [actually the Walker’s basement] as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig, and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera. And yes, he’s got a pirate accent.''

Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard.

[raises his glass to us] And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. [looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, boys? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me.

Today, [leans out of shot to see his beer on the counter] we’re going to be looking at… [quickly brings up his sword into view as we see the caption at the bottom of the screen says:] Swords.

Argh, it’s good for a pirate to have a sword, especially one made of such fine material.

Lookathat! [looks at his sword and taps it with his fingers; of course, it’s plastic] The finest steel Toys ‘R Us can buy.

Sure it’s not made out of the finest stuff, and ya don’t really wanna wiggle it [which he does] back and forth cuz… [stammers] yeah, you don’t want to do that.

But it is a sword nonetheless. [looks off-screen left] Isn’t that right, Nancy?

Nancy: Blow me, ya blowhard!

Bill: [looks back at us] Ah, ya whore.

I’m not kiddin’, either. Whenever somebody says, “There she blows,” they all look in her direction.

And they’re not looking for Moby Dick. At least not in that sense, but anyway… [brings his sword back up]

The first thing to remember about your sword is to [as he demonstrates] always hold it by the handle.

You have no idea how many people make the mistake of holding it by the wrong end.

That’s how Captain Hook lost his hand, ya know: by holding it the wrong way.

Well actually, it just gave him [holds up his right hand] a small cut on the finger; but he cut off his hand just to be sure.

The other important thing to remember about your sword is: don’t use it as a toothpick.

One pirate sued the sword-making company just because of that.

And he WON!

He got the same lawyer that told McDonald’s that their coffee was hot.

That’s why all swords say on the very bottom of the handle: [turns his sword upside down to read the bottom of the hilt] “Caution: Sharp.”

[points at the blade] This one doesn’t have it because, well… ''[he smacks the sword against his left forearm; obviously, no effect on him. Bill throws up his hands]'' Yep.

Another important thing to remember about your sword is where to stick it.

One sad pirate had the misfortune of sticking the sword down his trousers.

[leans in with an index finger up] This was not smart.

He pulled out his sword [demonstrates] at the wrong angle, and let’s just say he’s no longer called Long John Silver.

He’s now called Short Penis Iron.

The same thing happened to Peg Leg Johnson, who not only has a peg leg but also a peg Johnson!

Needless to say, [leans in with his hand to his mouth] he does give new meaning to the term, “Got wood?”

You got wood by him, you probably also got termites.

With herpes.

Is that right, Mr. Adams? [looks off-screen right]

Mr. Adams: Don’t bother me, Wetdeck!

Bill: [looks back at us] Ah, ya goat lover.

The man is so thick, he thought Davey Jones’ locker was where a member of The Monkees kept his gym clothes.

But back to swords. [looks at his blade]

Using your sword in battle is very, very important. In fact, it’s very important to chop off as many body parts as possible.

I once cut off a man’s arm using this! Though, of course, he was already dead; and it took several hours.

But, of course, as the ancient Zen philosonimist said, “You only have a sword so ya hope never to use it.”

That’s why we have guns.

This will not work very well against a gun.

For as the old saying goes, “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword. Unless the other person has a gun, in which case, you will die by a gun.”

In fact, [throws the sword away; we hear it hit the floor] to hell with the sword. You should probably get yourself a gun.

It’s like a sword except [points to off-screen left] it can kill a guy way other there!

[looks off-screen left] Isn’t that right, Hamster McGee?

McGee: Told you never to speak to me!

Bill: Ah, ya drunk. [looks back at us]

Man is such an alcoholic that when somebody asks what day it was, he said, “Seven.”

Ahh, they all act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. Because I know the stories of Bloodbeard Joe.

Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! ''[when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and froth, addressing the crowd]''

Bill: Shall I tell ya about Bloodbeard Joe, the finest pirate who ever sailed? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time]

They said that when God created the earth, he asked Bloodbeard Joe if it was okay first. [the patrons are pleased]

They say the only woman to say “no” to Bloodbeard Joe was in a coma. [pauses] And when she woke, she committed suicide just to teach herself a lesson. [they shout]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe fought off an entire army of pirates with his toenail clippers. [Hooray!] And those weren’t even invented yet! [Hooray!] In fact, he invented the toenail clippers! [Hooray!]

They say that whenever somebody sneezes in heaven that God always says, “Bloodbeard Joe bless you.” [Hooray!]

They say that five outta the seven seas were made by Bloodbeard Joe from the tears of the women he turned down for a second night stand. [they shout]

They say that one of the men who crossed Bloodbeard Joe got messed up so badly that his own mirror had to give him a refund. [they shout]

So let us all raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God- Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”]

Tune in next time, me mateys, for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us] See ya soon. [takes another swig]

Announcer: This was [we dissolve to the title card] “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh.

''The title fades, and the credit screen appears. After this, since this is the first episode, Bill appears again:''

Yaaargh, me mateys, it’s true that stories about Bloodbeard Joe get around quite quickly.

So if you’ve heard some stories about Bloodbeard Joe that displays his awesomeness, send it to this address. [Bill points to the bottom of the screen to reveal: Doug@ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com]

A pirate that awesome deserves so many comparisons.

Submit it now, and maybe you’ll be in the next episode.

But turn ‘em in quick, lads, because… I want them quick! [takes another swig of beer]

Credits end; CA stinger.

THE END