Hate the Gamer, Not the Game

(Nash is sitting in his room when his phone rings. He picks it up)

Nash: Hello.

(Obscurus Lupa's sitting in a hotel room)

Lupa: Hey Nash, you got a minute?

Nash: Oh, hey, Lupa. Yeah, sure. This week's episode is kicking my ass. What can I do for you?

Lupa: Well I got invited to this gaming convention, and I'm kinda lost on the whole deal. I'm not really well versed on gamers and roleplaying and all that.

Nash: So, what? You want a crash course?

Lupa: Yeah, maybe. I just don't wanna walk around looking confused.

Nash: It's a gaming convention, everybody looks that way.

Lupa: Seriously, what do I need to know?

Nash: Actually, you know what? Maybe we can help each other out on this one. You need to know about gamers in a hurry, I need a good theme for my show this week. Why don't we just put the two of them together?

Lupa: I don't know, I'm kind of on a tight schedule this weekend. How long will it take you to get here?

(Nash is suddenly in the room)

Nash: About half a jump cut.

(The two scream at each other, then Lupa kicks him in the head twice, knocking him out as she runs out of the room, cut to our opening sequence, then back to the room)

Nash: (holding a towel to his lip) Ow.

Lupa: Look, I said I was sorry! You shouldn't just jump cut in on someone like that.

Nash: What was I supposed to do, fade in? Dither dissolve? Do you have any idea what that does to the sperm count?

Lupa: Alright, look, you're here now, cool. So what was this about a crash course in gamers?

Nash: Right. This is normally the part in the episode where I elaborate.

Lupa: This is normally the part in the episode where I go get a soda.

Nash: Hey come on, this is my deal here. I don't believe in doing things without a certain measure of style.

Lupa: That's what she said!

(We come to our cartoon, A Brief History Of Modern Gaming)

Nash (vo): Okay Stick Boy, you're on. (Stick Boy pops in)

Lupa (vo): Aw, he's cute. (that makes Stick Boy get hearts in his eyes)

Nash (vo): Yeah, cute like a stomach pump. Quit making with the googly eyes and get back to the script! (Stick Boy gets mad and pulls up a sign saying "Dude, stop cockblocking me!") Oh, excuse me, Casanova! Sorry to interrupt your mad playa skills with actual work! (Stick Boy takes another sign out saying "I know where you sleep.")

Lupa (vo): He's becoming less cute.

Nash (vo): He does that. Back to the point. In 1974, TSR released what can be considered the first modern roleplaying game. (a horned helmet and sword appear on Stick Boy) It was a game that involved using your mind to create intricate worlds and characters to explore with your friends. It was called Dungeons & Dragons.

Lupa (vo): Before that, we called it "delusinal fugue state."

Nash (vo): The game was based around swords and sorcery epics which involved treasure, (a treasure chest appears next to Stick Boy) magic, (a pegasus flies by Stick Boy) and eventually getting stomped on by giant monsters and dying. (Stick Boy looks around, lets out a Wilhelm Scream, then runs away from a dragon)

Lupa (vo): So this is the basis for most modern gaming? Sounds like a bad fantasy movie. (a clip from Charmed (I think?) is shown) God, forget I mentioned that!

Nash (vo): Well, it opened the door to dozens and dozens of different kinds of games to follow in every different kind of media. For example, name a completely unlikely scenario.

Lupa (vo): Um, fighting zombies in the old west using magic.

Nash (vo): There's a game for that. (a picture of Deadlands is shown)

Lupa (vo): Wow, really? Uh, how about an elf computer hacker with bionic eyes?

Nash (vo): Gotcha covered. (a picture of Shadowrun is shown)

Lupa (vo): Neat. How about a game where you get to be the monster?

Nash (vo): Yep, that too. (a picture of Promethean: The Created is shown)

Lupa (vo): What about...a manipulative, weasly, rules lawyering, obnoxious, asinine, overpriced experience that feels like you're being beaten in the face with a screaming baby?

Nash (vo) *sigh* Yep. (Magic: The Gathering is shown)

Lupa (vo): So what's the takeaway here, rainbow fruit flavors? How do I keep up with all this?

Nash (vo): Look, there's a lot of kinds of different games, but gamers are all the same. They're usually a good natured bunch who just wanna share their hobby with others. (Stick Boy falls down with X's in his eyes, holding a sign saying "DIE IN A FIRE!") Like I said, usually. (then he has normal eyes and pulls up a sign saying "LUPA? CALL ME!")

Lupa: All right, cool, sounds like it could be fun. Thanks Nash, I'm gonna get my stuff and head downstairs.

Nash: (pulling Lupa back down) Ah ah ah ah ah. Think you're forgetting something.

Lupa: I don't like the sound of that.

Nash: This wouldn't be "What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?" without tales of mankind gone mad. You see, gamers are much like a war plan: neither survives contact with reality.

Lupa: Come on, you can't scare me. I've sat through Gymkata, man. On purpose.

Nash: Then pray your skills continue to serve you well, as we begin...this week's first story!

Lupa: That...probably wasn't as ominous as you were going for.

Nash: Yeah I know.

(The report is titled "Court Denies Inmate's Request to Play Dungeons & Dragons In Prison")

Nash (vo): The first story comes from Wisconson where a warden forbid inmates from playing Dungeons & Dragons on the grounds it promoted gang related behavior, gambling, and escape related activities.

Lupa (vo): Seriously? How does D&D help you plot an escape?

(Lupa and Nash are back to back)

Lupa: So what's the plan?

Nash: We use the thief to pick the lock, wipe out all the guards, level up, then use our new feat abilities to make a break for the main gate.

Lupa: Level up from the guards? That's crazy talk! They're level 2 minions at best! What if it doesn't work?

Nash: Then we put a portable hole in a bag of holding and then it's top of the world, ma!

(Back to the report)

Lupa: It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's prison and the inmates shouldn't be having a party, but at least be honest about why you're taking away their priviliges.

Nash (vo): That, and if they actually were able to escape with the help of D&D, they'd be recaptured shortly thereafter because they'd be standing around arguing about the XP allotment.

Lupa: If you're trying to scare me, that hasn't exactly got me quaking in my boots.

Nash: Oh, that was just the warm-up. You've heard of live action roleplay, right?

Lupa: Yeah, it's like a tabletop game played with costumes and stuff, right?

Nash: Well our next story combines three things that should never, ever come anywhere near each other.

Lupa: Michael Bay, a camera, and any beloved fandom?

Nash: Okay, three other things: heavily armed military forces, politics, and Avatar.

(The report is titled "Na'vi from the film Avatar stage a protest against Israel")

Nash (vo): From Israel, Palestinians protesting an expansion to the separation barrier decided that live action roleplay as the Na'vi from Avatar, complete with costumes, blue paint, and bows and arrows...was the most sensible way to get their message across.

Lupa (vo): And if their message was "argle fargle blargle," then I call that one mission accomplished.

Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you? Look, no matter where you fall on the whole Israel-Palestinian conflict, at no point does dressing up like fictional aliens to face off with security forces even resemble a smart idea!

Lupa: Yeah, these protests often end up in conflicts between the two sides, and the Israel military is one of the most heavily trained armies on the planet. What do you do for an encore, bang on a missile with a rock while dressed like Santa?

Nash: If that doesn't illustrate the point, let's try another route. This... (a picture of Palestinian protesters dressed up as Na'vi)

Lupa: Plus this... (a picture of soldiers)

Both: Equals this!

(A clip of Smurfs being bombed is shown)

Nash: There's nothing wrong in standing up for a cause you believe in. There is something wrong in trying to effect change by means of pure what-the-fuckery!

Lupa: Okay, that was kinda goofy, but I'm nowhere near scared over here.

Nash: Then get ready for the stuff of nightmares when we look at our next story, where gaming collides with the world's oldest profession.

(The report is titled "Weird gaming sex site GameCrush launches")

Nash (vo): Yes, from the giving-geeks-a-bad-name department comes this story about GameCrush, an online service that allows gamers to spend around a dollar a minute for playdates with hot women who will game with you while you watch them over a webcam.

Lupa (vo): Wait...it's webcam strippers, combined with video games. You make me sad.

Nash (vo): Something tells me it probably doesn't work like you think it would.

(Nash is on the computer with glasses on while Lupa acts sexy)

Lupa: (sexy voice) So, what do you wanna do tonight?

Nash: (in a lisping nerd voice) First, I was thinking we could pwn some n00bs in Team Fortress. Then we can blow up Megaton in Fallout 3 and get the achievement, and then we'll do some team co-op in Red Dead Redemption, and then...heh heh heh.

Lupa: (no longer feeling sexy) Yes?

Nash: Then, we'll help my guild raid Blackrock Depths!

Lupa: Yeah, those are the only depths you'll be raiding tonight.

(Another report comes in, this one titled "Prostitution Works for Warcraft Player")

Lupa (vo): Okay, that's bad, but it's not outright prostit--(sees the report) oh you gotta be shitting me!

Nash (vo): It's so nice to hear someone else say that for once! Yes, a user on craigslist put out a request for 5,000 gold in World of Warcraft and in exchange, offered a night of sex, all so she could afford her in-game epic flying mount.

Lupa (vo): Gah, don't say mount!

Nash: The story goes on to note in a followup, the user proudly posted a picture of her post-coital achievement.

Lupa: What the fuck is wrong with you!? You had sex with a complete stranger for a fictional, flying horsie! One more time. Sex, with a stranger, for a fictional, flying horsie! Your mama must be damn proud of you.

Nash: Remember kids, there's a word for someone who has sex for gold, and it ain't druid.

Lupa: Okay, you're right, I'm getting a little frazzled here.

Nash: Oh, we ain't done yet. Our next story comes from the Jilin province on China, (we cut to a report titled "Pictured: amazing X-ray of Chinese teenager with 10-inch knife embedded in his head") where an altercation in an internet cafe...regarding computer gaming resulted...in...

(The two tilt their head, confused by the story, then back to the report)

Nash (vo): Wow. Apparently the guy who got stabbed was accused of cheating at Counter Strike. The knife went completely through his head, but shockingly, he survived.

Lupa (vo): I guess he remembered to save his game first! (rimshot, then boos)

Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you!? It's a video game! Look, there are many reasons for violence, but if you count video games as a motivation for justifiable homicide, you need a large dose of sit-the-fuck-down-and-shut-the-fuck-up!

Lupa: How do you even explain that one to the cops? I don't think they accept spawn camping (showing a picture of the x-ray with the knife going through the skull) as an excuse for sticking a knife in somebody's skull! It's a video game! If you lose, it's not the end of the world! Get a little damn perspective here!

(And we cut to the Angry German Kid)

Kid: I'll show YOU perspective! (and he begins to scream like a little girl, bashing his keyboard with his fists, and on the desk)

Nash: So, thoughts?

Lupa: Thoughts? First you tell me gamers are okay folks, and then you show me all these news stories about gamers that kill a little piece of my soul! I've seen Cynthia Rothrock movies that make more sense than you!

Nash: Okay, look, it boils down to this. When gamers focus on the fact that everyone's there to have fun and share a really cool experience, it's all good. When they descend into a cavalcade of dickery, then there's gonna be problems. But don't worry, I've come up with a really good solution for this convention. (he bends down to pick up his laptop)

Lupa: You mean the one you arrived at via jump cut?

Nash: Yes.

Lupa: And you had time to do this when exactly?

Nash: Duh, editing!

Lupa: Then that won't come off as an excuse for bad writing at all.

Nash: Look, just stop being logical and look. (on his laptop, he has an essay titled "GAMERS: IT CAN PAY NOT TO LOSE TOUCH WITH THE CHILDREN WITHIN") See? I wrote an essay for the convention newsletter that'll be sure to remind gamers about what's really important.

Lupa: Ah yes, and the title just rolls right off the tongue, and I see you couldn't resist the shameless plug.

Nash: There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Lupa: Well how did you get it into the newsletter so fast?

Nash: You'll be amazed how quickly Kinko's will get a job done if you pay them in uncut cocaine. (there's a knock on the door) You expecting someone?

Lupa: No, but if it's Patrick Stewart, I'm not here.

(Nash goes to answer the door and sees it's Kathryn)

Nash: Kathryn!

Lupa: Who?

Nash: Oh right, Lupa, this is Kathryn, she's the main researcher for my show. Uh, Kathryn, this is Lupa, she reviews bad movies.

Lupa: Hold on, how did you know he was in my hotel room?

Kathryn: Oh, we had him lojacked after that little stunt with the police car. Nash, sweetie, dear, did you, uh, write a flyer for the newsletter?

Nash: I did, what'd you think of it? Do you think gamers will be moved and inspired by it?

Kathryn: Oh, no doubt about that. Uh, what format did you write the flyer in?

Nash: Landscape, why?

Kathryn: Oh, no reason. Just, uh, that the newsletter is printed in Portrait, you idiot!

(The flyer shows it came out as "GAMERS PAY TO TOUCH CHILDREN")

Lupa: This is what happens when you pay for copies with narcotics. How many of those did you have printed?

Nash: Two...hundred.

Kathryn: (pretends to look at the invisible time) Oh, look, it's, uh, half past the shitstorm. Uh, look, text me with what you want done with your remains once the convention is done with you. I'm outie! (and she gets the hell out of Dodge)

Nash: Well, maybe nobody read it.

(The next shot is of Nash and Lupa running down the street, being chased by an angry mob. They pass by a guy on the street)

Guy: Hey Lupa, can I get your autograph?

Lupa: Heh, of course. (she starts signing her autograph)

Guy: Oh, great, thank you so much.

(Nash comes back and pulls her away)

Guy: What the? (the mob starts passing by the guy)

(The mob is now looking for the two of them, when the camera pans to see Nash and Lupa hiding behind a power box)

Nash: Oddly enough, this is how I've always known I was gonna die.

Lupa: Hold on a second, gamers are just another kind of geek, right?

Nash: Usually, yeah.

Lupa: And what's one thing no geek anywhere can resist?

Nash: Um, boobies?

Lupa: No, just follow my lead. (Lupa steps out of hiding) You remind me of the babe!

Mob: What babe?

Nash: Um, the babe with the power?

Mob: What power?

Both: The power of voodoo!

Mob: Voodoo?

Both: You do!

Mob: Do what?

Both: Remind me of the babe!

(At that point, the mob starts dancing to David Bowie's "Magic Dance," one guy popping out with "David Bowie" taped to his shirt. Lupa sneaks off while Nash is dancing, but she has to pull him back out)

Nash: Well, I'm glad we made it out of that life threatening situation which was in no way my fault oor legal liability!

Lupa: Hey Nash, what's that signoff you use on your show all the time?

Nash: Uh, if I have to hurt, so does everybody else?

(Lupa elbows him in the gut, leaving him heaped on the ground)

Lupa: Yeah, not this time.

(And we come to the credits, the song still playing)

Final quip: Friends don't let friends have sex in exchange for flying horises.

(Back in the hotel room, Stick Boy's got a couple roses for Lupa)

Lupa: Look, I'm just not that into you.

(Stick Boy hangs his head as we end the episode)