27

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 27 (September 28, 2008)

''We see That Guy With The Glasses reading a book, smoking a pipe in front of a cabinet. Once he looks up and notices the camera, he says:''

That Guy: Oh! (closes the book) Sanibonani! [Zulu for "hello" when said to multiple people - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction and piano music (Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata') plays throughout.

Narrator (always off-screen; the questions appear on-screen, not the names of those who submitted them): Kirby DX asks, "Why is Plan B always the better one?"

That Guy: (with his back to screen right and pipe in mouth, he turns to the camera and takes out the mouthpiece) That's a very good question. The answer is: Most of the time, when Plan A doesn't work, you HAVE to move on to Plan B, which most likely WILL work. (pause) Actually, that was an incredibly STUPID question. / [indicates a jump cut] What were you thinking? / Were you born stupid, or did you have to learn it? / If I ever see you, I will murder you. / (looks up) Actually, I don't know what you look like. / Send me a picture so I can commit it to memory so that if I ever DO see you on the street, I may murder you properly. / (looks up again) Thank GOD I exist. / Yes.

Narrator: Josh asks, "I have been hired by Six Flags to make their newest 'extreme' roller coaster. I decided the best route to go would be to create a ride that caused sexual pleasure throughout, but nothing I have thought up has been orgasmic enough. Can you give me any tips on how to make a roller coaster that will achieve such an effect?"

That Guy: (brief chuckle) Of course, of course. It's very simple. Just put a picture of ME in front of the coaster. / No doubt, everyone will cream their jeans in a millisecond. / I WAS voted "The Sexiest Man Alive" in a magazine that I just made up in my head. / It's not like anyone watches this show to get some real answers. I am considered soft porn. / In fact, just thinking about me is giving me a hard-on (looks up when he says that word) right now. / (scoffs) To tell you the truth, I orgasm just looking at myself. Watch: (He holds up a small, round mirror and looks at his reflection; we then hear a very weird sound effect indicating that That Guy's bodily functions... have failed him. He puts down the mirror.) Excuse me. I have to change my robe. (exits screen right)

Narrator: Jacob Anderson asks, "There is a black hole behind my couch. It wasn't there before! What should I do about it?"

That Guy: (back in front of the camera) Well, THAT"S because of a high-energy particle accelerator. / And it's a well-known fact that high-energy particle accelerators pop up very often. / The BEST thing to do is call the High-Energy Particle Accelerator Police. / They'll come in with their high-energy particle accelerator machines and suck out the high-energy particle accelerator nuisance. / (chuckles) And they have a whole warehouse full of high-energy particle accelerator nuisances. / So that's what you should do with your high-energy particle accelerator nuisance. (pause) High-energy particle accelerator nuisance. / Hamster jelly. / (looks up and rocks side-to-side a bit) Ooh!

Narrator: Joshua Miles asks, "What flavor would you get if you put watermelon and cheeseburgers into a blender?

That Guy: You'd get a Big Mac Super-Duper Quarter Pounder Watermelon Hamster Jelly High-Energy Proton Accelerator Burger ...with cheese.

Narrator: Theo asks, "I was in my neighborhood Chili's restaurant with my roommates, and they were running one of those charity things where you could pay a dollar to color a chili pepper for cancer research. Much to our surprise, we saw this hanging along with them: (Cuts to a picture of a charity chili pepper with "That Guy With the Glasses" written on it.) Care to explain yourself?"

That Guy: Absolutely. (points his mouthpiece at the camera) There is an IMPOSTOR on the loose! / Anyone who knows me knows I would NEVER waste my money on anything that helps mankind. / I would ONLY use it on things that destroy MY body and everybody else's, like Chili's food. / We must find this impostor and circumsize him with a guillotine. / That way, he will no longer be That Guy With The Glasses. He will be That Guy Without A Penis. / And hopefully, we will NEVER find the cure for that WONDERFUL disease, cancer. / Rock on, cancer. Continue to plague our lives with misery and despair. / By the way, I have cancer. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (he winks at the camera and returns to reading his book and smoking his pipe)

THE END