Vase de Noces

Transcript in progress...

BHH opening sequence plays.

We fade in on Oancitizen in his nook, reading aloud from Charlotte's Web.

Oancitizen: "There, in the center of the web, neatly woven in block letters was a message. It said, 'SOME PIG'." (he lowers the book and sees us, then forcefully chuckles) Welcome to Brows Held High. (inhales deeply) You know, a big part of why I do this show is to illustrate the kind of creative freedom that most artists simply... won't allow themselves. I firmly believe that art can challenge, can... shatter taboos and misconceptions, and, in doing so, redefine cultural boundaries.

Oan (v/o): (fade in on a slow zoom-in of the director; all the while, the "End Theme" from Babe plays in the background) Such is the case with this often-maligned 1974 film by Belgian filmmaker Thierry Zeno. (dissolve to a zoom-in or our star holding a piglet in the movie) In a tour-de-force one-man show by Dominique Garny, who also wrote the film, (cut to a scene where Garney releases a bird into the sky from the upper level of a house) audiences are challenged with a barrage of tough questions about humanity and its relation to nature. (cut to Garny wandering around his yard) While it never held a theatrical release, it did have a limited festival run, building its notoriety and essentially banning it in Australia. Its controversial subject and explicit execution has made it one of the rarest filma that isn't a "lost film"... (dissolve to a zoom-in of until 2009, when the German distributor Camera Obscura and the Swedish company Njuta Films released Region 2 copies of the movie, which I was lucky enough to get over Amazon. This film is the infamous Vase de Noces. In the English-speaking world, it's been retitled Wedding Trough. But it;s much better known under its informal title: [cut to caption reading: THE PIG #%&!ING MOVIE] THE PIG-FUCKING MOVIE!

Oan: [visibly frustrated, he throws his book away] Know what? Fuck this... FUCKING NOISE! FUCK IT ALL! JUS- [stammers a bit] I'm burning this down. I'm just- I'm burning this down! I'm burning it all down! Let's just start the film, so I can start the burning!

Oan (v/o): [the credits begin] Even just starting with the credits, knowing this movie is about pig-fucking is painful. I mean, ...look at these people! Look at all the shit stains who can be blamed for this movie! Yeah- Fuck you! Fuck you!! Fuck you, too! Fuck you! Fuck you and the pig you fucked in on!

Oan: Well... admittedly, it's not much. It's not like people were lining up to do this movie. [realizing the double entendre he just said] I hope.

Oan (v/o): So... Dominique Garny has a farm.

Oan: [deadpan] E-I-E-I-O.

Oan (v/o): And, on his farm, he has a pig.

Oan: E-I... Yeah, it's not funny anymore. I'll stop.

Oan (v/o): And immediately, we get a big heaping helping of cruelty and abuse... of birds. Puts a doll's head on a damn bird.

Oan: This, of course, symbolizes the fact that the director wanted this to be symbolic. Fuck this. I'm not reading into this.

Oan (v/o): Birds here. Birds... birding around, having bird sex. Just spending their time being "the other white meat." And... one gets its head cut off.

Oan: Bird... head... motif... there may be. I don't care. Moving on.

Oan (v/o): So, they're on a farm... and the guy and the pig do farm stuff. And guy stuff. And pig stuff. The ducks have no comment.

Oan: Ducks... there. Don't care; superfluous. It's like a Greek chorus that only quacks. But... you probably want to hear about the pig-fucking in The Pig-Fucking Movie. SO you're probably thinking, "For fuckin' real, is there fuckin' pig-fuckin' in The Pig-Fucking Movie?" YES, there's fuckin' pig-fuckin' in The Pig-Fucking Movie! Look at all the pig-fucking!

Oan: Aw, yeah! Aw, yeah, do it!

Oan (v/o): Pig fucking! Every other thing in the movie! Everything else is pig-fuck-tinted!

Oan: Because that's the most interesting this he does!

Oan: This soundtrack...

Oan (v/o): Butterly in the sky / I can go twice as high

Oan: So... what's wrong with this guy? Well, the best I can tell So A) there are no other people to bang. Well, an alternate title is "A Man and His Pig."

Oan (v/o): And the saddest thing is... they kinds make a cute couple.

Oan: This soundtrack... It's like I'm watching this with the aliens

Oan: And the worst thing about this? It's dull.

Oan (v/o): Once the man stops tenderizing

Oan: Here's the thing: this movie might not be all that shocking. We, as a culture, have become so desensitized

Ryan: Before you come, tarzan only have animals

Oan: We, as the bourgeois class Terry is trying to offend

Oan (v/o): Biology be damned, the sow has piglets.

Oan: Mazel tov!

Oan: And we'll... ponder that after the break.

Oan: So, we all good and upsold? Good! Back to bacon.

Oan (v/o): So they just used regular piglets.

Oan: Even if it does no more

Oan (v/o): And he even has a little dinner party

Oan: Aw, yeah. They die. They die because he kills them. He hangs them

Oan (v/o): Even more disturbing is the scene

Oan: Okay, "pig drowning herself" - let's... make that watchable.

Oan: Fixed!

Oan (v/o): He buries the pig and

Oan: Okay, okay, um... cutting the snark. The theme... if it can be said to have one...

Oan (v/o): The man in the movie continues

Oan: ...I'll think of a third thing. Give me a minute.

Oan (v/o): So, once the most human

Oan: Well, "fuck a duck" Does he write a song? Mow the lawn? Read a book about this? Do literally anything other than what he does next! It's like a whole act! It's a sequence! Behold the closest get! It's funny because it's poop!

Oan (v/o): And then, he hangs himself. Oh, the beauty. Oh, the joy.

Oan: WHYYYYYY?! You requested this! People have wanted me to see this!

Oan (v/o): This is a movie in which some idiot

Oan: I'm pretty sure this movie did that... just to piss you off!

Oan (v/o): It's not just that it's bad. It's not. It's sadistically evil.

Oan: I mean, get mad! Burn things if you must! This was made! People devoted time and effort to make this!

Cinema Snob: How dare you review

Oan: The Cinema Snob of thecinemasnob.com?

CS: I will not have some child

Phelous: Yeah, how

Oan: Phelous of phelous.com?

Phelous: Sure am, Ralph, and, man, are you in trouble!

CS: We've

Oan: 

CS:

Oan:

Pehlous: The

CS: The reviewer that first reviews a bad movie

Oan: Oh, yeah

Phelous: Don't

CS: Don't mock the law, Mini-Me.

Oan:

CS:

Phelous: In layman's terms

Oan: You can

Phelous:

CS:

Phelous:

Oan: ...This "product"...

CS: The hatred

Phelous: The bad movie is a natural

CS: We all know that we're working

Oan: Wait, wait, wait.

Ph

Oan: We're

CS:

Oan:

CS:

Oan: This is what we fight over.

Ph

Oan: This is our currency.

Ph: We operate solely

Oan: ...We're like men in a prison cell

CS: I've been

Ph: And I was going to help you

Oan: Anyway

Ph: Brad?

CS:

Ph: What is this feeling?

CS: That would be angst, my friend.

Closing song: "Piggies" - The Beatles

Transcript in progress...