Rad



NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. You know, with a title like “Rad,” do you really expect many possibilities?

(The title screen for the movie “Rad” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): I mean, it’s like calling your movie “Tubular” or “Gnarly” or…

Thomas A. Anderson (from “The Matrix”): Whoa.

NC (voiceover): There’s just some things you know are doomed on arrival. Do you need to know the plot? No. Do you need to know the characters? No. Do you need to know anything about this movie outside of the title to know it absolutely sucks?

NC: Well, let me put it this way: it doesn’t help. So let us go on a most (speaks like a surfer dude) excellent adventure, this is “Rad”! (He pretends to do a guitar riff as we hear a guitar riff in the background)

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So if by the opening credits of this movie you can’t tell that the focus is gonna be on BMX bike racers…

NC: (a bus arrives below of NC labeled “Idiot Bus”) Your bus has arrived.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, like the first five minutes of this movie is nothing but watching a bunch of people we don’t know doing tricks. I wouldn’t mind so much, except half of the moves are the “humping the bike” technique. No, I’m serious. This is the one they do, like, a bajillion times in this movie! Once in a while, you get a jump here and there, but then nope! It’s right back to the wheel rape. OK, I’m sure it’s that difficult to do, but it looks silly and kind of perverted. Move along!

Singers: (as the opening credits end on a freeze frame of a biker in mid-air) Break the ice!

NC (voiceover): So after the credits end with the bike tricks, we finally get the beginning of our story.

(Cru Jones and two of his friends get ready to make their newspaper deliveries on their bikes)

Cru Jones: OK, dudes, let’s walk this sucker.

Becky: Alright!

(All three depart in different directions)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Or we do the exact same bullshit again!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cru jumps over a fence to land in a backyard; a neighbor dog barks and runs up to grab a newspaper from Cru before returning to his deliveries)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So just to clarify, this movie is about ice skating, right?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Luke bikes up to a passing fire engine and hands a newspaper to one of the firemen; the delivery sequence continues with an ‘80s video game musical background with appropriate sound effects added in)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Luke: (stops to adjust his hair) Ooh, gnarly!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (mocks Luke) Gorbachav-tastic! “Gremlins”! Molly Ringwald! “The Smurfs”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to an old man named Burton Timmer riding a bicycle and holding a box out with one hand)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) Gee, I can’t see anything going wrong with this scenario.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A newspaper flies in and knocks off the box from Burton’s hand)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Cru: Oops. (He bikes past the old man)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Burton Timmer: (looks on disapprovingly) The world would be a lot better off without kids!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Burton Timmer) I killed a family in World War II. That’s why I have such a harsh outlook of reality. But you don’t care about that. (He shakes his fist in the air) I’m just a grump!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So after he (Cru) rides across the “Brady Bunch” lawn, we see him go to school to hang out with his friends.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Luke: Hey! There’s your fantasy, studly.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: But *, Katie and I are, like, special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">*(I don’t know what he said there)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (scoffs) That’s our main character, everybody. How’d that go again?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Katie and I are, like, special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (mocks Cru) We read poetry and pick flowers at the church.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): By the way, did they run this film through a pot of urine before they released it to the public? I’ve seen less yellow on “The Simpsons.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie’s Girl Friend: Hey, Katie, isn’t that Cru?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: Yeah, my biggest mistake ever. I’ll see you later.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (to himself after being unable to find Katie) Damn it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Cru) Aww, and I thought Katie and I were, like, special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): We then see a meeting run by the Mongoose Bicycle Company led by a man named Duke Best.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Johnny 5 (from “Short Circuit 2”): OK, Oscar, I’ll pass you up at the head.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s Oscar from “Short Circuit 2.” He’s in charge of bringing a new race track to town and getting some of the best known riders he can find to race in it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Company Representative: You’re gonna have all the top factory riders right here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Duke Best: (pounds his fist on the table and stands up) Think about it! (Duke’s pounding of his fist and shout is intercut with a clip from “The Muppet Caper” of many Muppet characters reacting in surprise) TV cameras in every corner of the town, showing on network television. The spirit of Cochrane!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The people in the audience applaud)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Old Woman: (stands up) Excuse me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Duke Best) Who dare questions the Mongoose Bicycling Company?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Old Woman: Not to put a damper on the spirit of things, but I wonder how our kids are going to feel (Cut briefly to NC (as Duke Best) pretending to listen in while holding in his rage) when hundreds of outside youngsters take over their town. And they’re not allowed to race in their own backyard.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Duke Best nods lightly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Duke Best) Hold me back a little. Hold me back! Hold me back a little! I’d better not find out where you live!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Duke Best: We will hold a qualifying race.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The audience applauds again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So the old lady’s concern that…really…causes no concern is getting a lot of attention downtown about the race, especially to Cru and his friends.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Male Friend: (refers to Bart Taylor, a BMX rider) This Bart dude…being so awesome. What do you think, Cru?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: I don’t know. It’s gonna take a radical miracle to beat this guy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: A…rear-icle, as I like to call it. (He pretends to do a guitar riff as we hear a guitar riff in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Police sirens are heard outside the house Cru and his friends are in)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But they have no time to think about that. The Fuzz is there to chase them down because…hell if I know!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Sergeant Smith gives chase to Cru and his friends as they escape on their bikes)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">The Jets Gang (from “West Side Story”): (audio, sings) Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re very upset / We never had the love that every child ought to get.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cru bikes through a lumberyard and through stacks of lumber to block Sergeant Smith’s way in before we see Cru ride on top of the stacks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, so I have no clue why a bald version of the Pringles guy is chasing down some bikers in a Home Depot lumberyard, (speaks like a surfer dude) but at least it gives us an excuse for cool riding!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cru continues biking over a pile of logs; intercut with a clip of Pee-Wee Herman (from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure) doing a stunt on his bike; Cru gets off the logs and bikes away from the lumberyard and waves back to Sergeant Smith, who smiles and points)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): (as Sergeant Smith, chortles with laughter) Oh, I could have been stopping a homicide instead of chasing you, but I’ll get you next time, you little rapscallion! (He chortles again)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) Next, we cut to Cru’s sister Punky Brewster and his mother Adrian from the “Rocky” movies. No, I’m serious. That’s Adrian from the “Rocky” movies. (Two movie posters for “Rocky” that feature the Adrian character are shown briefly) And, just like in those films, her only job seems to be the athletic cock-blocker to any rising sports star.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (to his mother) This is a very important race.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: You’ve always wanted to go to college. That’s been the plan.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: When your gut talks to you, you’d listen!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: Oh, Christopher, that won’t wash with me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Mother—!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: I don’t want to hear any more about it!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Rocky from the “Rocky” movies) Yeah, don’t listen to her, Cru. I’ve made 6 movies doing the exact opposite of what she said! (Beat) Yeah.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): The next day, a parade goes by welcoming the new bikers to the town. But the bikers (speaks snooty) aren’t impressed.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rex Reynolds: Helltrack in this here town.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rod Reynolds: You gotta be kidding me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart Taylor: This is a joke.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rod: Big town we’re rolling in here, huh, guys?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rex: I’m surprised the main street’s even paved.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(All the bikers laugh)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (speaks snooty, mocking the bikers) And I must say the California Rolls must be using imitation crab meat. (He holds up a plate of sushi and eats one in a snotty manner)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But Cru comes across one biker that he likes: Jesse’s girlfriend from “Full House.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(As Cru and Christian Hollings look at each other and smile, NC pretends to make goofy laughs for each of them; Cru looks over to see the Sergeant Smith coming by before he quickly leaves on his bike)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): (as Cru) Cheese it! It’s Sergeant Slaughter! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoop!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Sergeant Slaughter: (to Christian) Have you seen a kid on a bike?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: (chuckles) Yeah, lots of them.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, and trust me. You’ll see fucking more as Cru tries to still impress that Katie chick with his asphalt mounting.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (bikes up in front of Katie) Not too shabby, huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: Immature is more like it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Are we going to the dance tonight or what?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: I’ll be there.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Well, great! Rad! I’ll pick you up at eight, huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: What makes you think I’m going with you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Oh, gee, your perked nipples seem to be pointing in my direction.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: And you’ll pick me up how? On that dumb bike?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Yeah.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Katie: Sure. (She walks away)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Cru) Katie, wait! Didn’t you get my “We’re, like, special” card?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So they go to the school dance—or as the Brits like to call it—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Waltzer (from “Milk Money”): The so’-‘op!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Where the bikers put on their finest…Battlestar Galactic attire.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The three bikers are out in the middle of the dance floor and dance in a way that’s hard to take seriously)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I totally buy that these dances are 100% improvised, just as much as I believe the lawsuits against “Borat”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Emcee: (as Christian bikes into the gymnasium) Hold everything! It’s Christian Hollings!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart: Little early with the act, aren’t you? (Christian doesn’t say anything) You better show some respect. At least wait until I was done dancing.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Bart, pointing to the camera) Don’t make me put on my skeleton costume and go karate on your ass!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But hey, you think the dancing is hard to believe? How about Cru and the “Full House” chick doing a totally unrehearsed yet somehow completely choreographed bike dance? (chuckles) Gah, these spur-of-the-moment scenes are just so real, aren’t they? (A bit of the bike dance is presented) But then again, I guess any stunt would be easy when you do the whole freakin’ thing in slow motion. (As the bike dance continues, the students start to root for Cru and Christian; in one shot, we see Cru having his back turned against the low-angled camera) Do I really need to look at his butt for a solid minute? And I don’t even want to know what she’s doing to that seat!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(After the bike dance ends, all the students applaud)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So even though Cru’s a big hit, we see that (speaks in a cowboy drawl) big bad Bart wants to be number 1 in this here town.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Restaurant Host: Yes, sir, Mr. Taylor.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart: (with two young women on either side of him) Yeah, what do you got to do to get a table around here?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Restaurant Host: I will show you in a minute, sir. (He turns around to look for an available table and thinks to himself)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart: Come on, come on, come on. Do we get a table, or do we leave?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Restaurant Host: Have one right away, sir.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart’s Girl #1: This isn’t exactly the Ritz.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Bart’s Girl #1, scoffs) I expected much more from Dairy Queen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So Cru and his friends get kicked out of their table, which leads them to practice more on the ramps. And…somehow off-screen, the “Full House” chick finds them!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: If you do make it when those mattresses are there, those will just cause you to wipe out.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: What, are you nuts?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: No, that’s no glory.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (gestures to his other friends) Take the mattresses out. (All his friends do so)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cut to Cru later doing a flip trick off an incline ramp with his bike and landing on his back on the other ramp, injuring himself)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): (as Cru) Oh, my God, I never should’ve moved those mattresses! My bones are jelly! Why did I listen to someone who dated John Stamos?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: (to Cru) You over-rotated.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: No shit.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So because breaking his back turns him on, I guess, Cru and the “Full House” chick hang out near the river.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cru and Christian slide together down a slide that goes into the river and they try to make their way out of the water; Scene dissolve to starting the same scene over again in slow motion)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Background Singer: (as the river scene is played out) Being crazy is nothing new / No, the big surprise would be / What if my dream came true?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): (in reaction to the replaying of the scene in slow motion) Uh, yeah, I guess that scene was so incredible, we should play it again in slow motion. This movie’s like “The Passion [of the Christ]” (the poster for that movie is shown briefly); it may be an hour and a half long, but if you took out all the slow-mo, it’d be only two minutes.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Background Singer: What stroke of luck might strike today.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Christian and Cru are standing on the bank of the river, and she picks up a rock to throw it at the spot where he is, hoping to splash him with it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Croc (from “Batman: The Animated Series”): It was a big rock.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cut to Cru and Christian kissing)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But the day of the first big race to get into the…other big race…has finally come, and Duke Best couldn’t be more sinisterly happy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Announcer: (to Duke) Now, uh, what is the concept behind Helltrack?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Duke Best: Well, you see, Bill, we decided that we needed our…very own Super Bowl, so we hired the very best experts to build and design a track that combines the…the different styles and-and skills of BMX racers and freestylers.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): You know, can’t people just tell this guy is evil? He has it written all over him. I mean, could you see him running a daycare or something?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Duke Best) And now, uh, children, we’re now going to read the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” Uh, “The Three Little Pigs.” (He opens a book) Here we go. “The wolf ate the three little pigs…” and-and that’s it. (He closes the book; children are crying in the background) Oh, grow up! They’re just pigs! They’re just pigs.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The race begins)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So they race down the hill, like, umpteen million times, and of course, Cru ends up being one of the winners, which of course gets him to race the big Helltrack, which doesn’t please his mother very much.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (to his supporters who have him up on their shoulders) Put me down. (They do so)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mandy (from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian”): (audio, dubbed over Mrs. Jones) ‘e’s not the Messiah! He’s a very naughty boy!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: You defied me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: I didn’t do it to hurt you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: You’re willing to sacrifice building a solid future for a bicycle race!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Would you try to understand? The only thing I’m good at is riding this bike!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Wow, that’s unbelievably sad.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: And now, I have a chance to be the best, maybe the best in the world. I can take those SATs anytime, maybe in six months.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (argues and points to the camera) Now you listen here. I—Six months, really? (He is puzzled) Well…yeah! Go do the race. Do the SATs anytime you want.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Mrs. Jones: I want you to make me a promise that in six months you’ll take those SATs no matter what.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Well…yeah! Doesn’t that kind of go without saying? Is there any indication that he wouldn’t? This was really a pointless detour. I think they just wanted to give the actress to bitch and moan about, because that’s what she does in all her other movies!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Cru: (holds up a bag labeled “Whopper”) Hey, Mom! I just got back from Burger King!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Mrs. Jones: Did you get anything for me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Cru: Well, uh, no.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Mrs. Jones: Why did I have you?! (He buries his face in shame with one hand; NC Cru’s lips start to quiver in sadness)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But speaking of futures, Duke Best drops by and offers Cru to join his team if he throws the big race.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Duke Best: You don’t understand! It’s the chance of a lifetime! (Cut to Cru getting out of Duke’s car in anger) You’ll regret it, I’m telling you! You’ll live to re—you’ll live! I’ll show you! Ohh, you’ll live.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): I guess the idea behind this is that Duke already has Bart merchandise set up that he doesn’t want to go to waste, so he’d rather have Bart win instead of anybody else, but…really? You’d rather cheat than change a bunch of shirts? Wouldn’t it be more valuable to find an incredible rider to make MORE merchandise off of? I mean, in the long run, doesn’t that make more sense than just rigging the game?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Johnny 5 (from “Short Circuit 2”): No, Oscar! No!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Well, even though Cru turns him down, he still rigs the game by making it a rule that to enter the race, you need to be sponsored by a company. But wait a minute! His little sister is selling Cru T-shirts! Say, I bet if they sell enough of those things, they just might be able to get enough money to count as a sponsorship!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: But we need the help of the whole school in order to make that happen—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cut to Cru’s classmates in school lining up to volunteer and help out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): WHAAAA????!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Male Classmate: I’m supposed to color the T-shirts.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So all the students try to make shirts to sell. They work as hard as they can, and—(the camera zooms in on a black female students helping dye the T-shirts) AHHH! A BLACK PERSON!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (makes the motion to shove her aside) TAKE HER OFF-SCREEN! TAKE HER OFF-SCREEN!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The camera does move away from her)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Whew! That’s a close one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cut to Cru and his classmates trying to sell his T-shirts when the three main bikers pass by on their red convertible as bad villain music from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” plays out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rex: Well, how about that? Looks like the lonely yokel’s gonna race after all.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Rod: Well, how about that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as one of the bikers, pretending to rest his arm on a car seat at shoulder level) Now if you will, Bart, crank that Tom Jones. (He pretends to turn on the radio and bops his head to the beat of Tom Jones music in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So even though the shirts are selling like mad, it still looks like they’re not selling enough to qualify, which puts Cru in the non-rad mood.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Well, what a fool I was to not take Best’s offer. Everything else has been a joke.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: Yesterday, you said you wouldn’t have tried it for anything.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: You know, nothing can compete with money! I’m glad I learned that now.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Christian: I thought you were a man. (She gets up to leave in a huff)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Christian) I thought we had something, like, special! But now I see something, like…NOT special!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So it turns out that Cru still needs thousands of dollars to enter the race.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: But, gee, the whole entire town would have to chip in in order for something like that to happen—(The townspeople line up to chip in and donate their money) WHAAAA??!!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Sergeant Smith: (addresses to the townspeople at a meeting) Can I have a word here? I thought I heard it all until now. I watched these kids grow up. I’ve chased every one of them.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (as Sergeant Smith) Why? …God, I have no idea, but I’m wearing shades, so you know I mean business.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Sergeant Smith: I think Cru and his friends have done something special. Real special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Wow, that’s half a degree more special than “Like, special.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Sergeant Smith: If someone doesn’t see that Cru has this opportunity, well, I guess we’ll just all have to learn to…live with it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: NO! Not live with it! Let’s give our money to those good old boys who are constantly chased by the law—wait, what was your argument?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So the town pulls out all their money and even Orville Redenbacher (Burton Timmer) contributes all he can to get Cru into the race. This, of course, leaves Cru to saying sorry to the “Full House” chick in probably the most laziest apology ever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(At an ice cream shop, Cru takes Christian over to show her a picture of two pandas sharing an ice cream cone with each other)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: Would you like to be my friend?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): And I’m not kidding, that’s it. That’s the apology. There is no other dialogue. That…somehow actually manages to win her over! I’ve heard more fucking heartfelt speeches on bumper stickers!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Cru: Hey, listen. (NC Christian turns to look at him) What would Jesus do?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Christian: (pretends to flash NC Cru with his black jacket) Take me!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC Cru: Okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): So the big race is finally ready for action. I sure hope this means watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(A starter’s pistol is fired)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Announcer: There’s the gun!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Oh no! I was totally wrong! This is watching the same people around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers ''IN SLOW MOTION!!! ''

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: By God, I never thought I would say this, but put on NASCAR!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cru then performs a back flip)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Announcer: Oh my heart, a back flip! Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: (utterly confused) He would if this was wrestling, but it’s not! It’s biking, so that makes no sense.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): There is a catch, though. Duke tells two of the riders to trick Cru up so Bart can win. But—get this—Bart actually waits up so they can be more evil.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Announcer: Here is Taylor stopping. He wants Cru Jones one on one!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Optimus Prime (from 2007’s “Transformers”): (audio) It’s you and me, Megatron.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Megatron (from 2007’s “Transformers”): (audio) Nooo, it’s just me, Prime!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): But of course, Cru ends up winning the day. (chuckles) I guess that whole “playing fair” thing really bit you in the ass, didn’t it, Bartman?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru: (to Bart) Looks like you’re out of a job, huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Bart: Yeah, well, you know, this isn’t the only game in town.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Wesley (Cru’s Sister): Now that we’re official, you think we have room for one more on the Rad team?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Cru’s Classmates: Good idea. Sounds good. Alright. Yeah.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Wesley: What a team!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cru and Bart lift up Bart’s bike in triumph before the movie freeze frames on it, ending the film before the end credits begin with shots of various bike stunts)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Really? That’s how you’re ending it? No interaction with your mother, no interaction with your girlfriend, just…that? I’ve had pieces of stale popcorn that left bigger impacts on me!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Oh, wait; at least they’re giving us SOMETHING we haven’t seen before: MORE BIKE STUNTS!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(The end credits show just that)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, please, tell me you hop around like a one-legged Chihuahua again AND the failure is complete!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: This movie’s complete anus!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC (voiceover): It follows every sports cliché in the book, the characters are stale, even the bike stunts get a little old after a while. The only thing that’s kind of cool are the crashes, which actually do look pretty realistic. But as you would guess, it’s not worth waiting through the rest of this ass to get to them. What else can you say about it except “’Rad’ is freakin’ bad!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: And if you ever do come across a BMX biker, why don’t you go ahead and give him this movie? (He brings out the DVD box for “Rad”) I’m sure they need something to make their fucking bikes out of! (He slams the DVD box onto his desk) I’m the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">THE END

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">Channel Awesome Tagline—Cru: Katie and I are, like, special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">(Cut to an outtake of NC eating a piece of sushi in a snotty manner; he spits out the piece of sushi onto his plate and coughs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 210.75pt">NC: Oh my God. (He covers his mouth to prevent from laughing) Never get sushi from Jewel.