Roseanne Goes to Disney World

(Some Jerk with a Camera and a man are riding on Mickey's Fun Wheel, which is still stuck)

Jerk: And that's how I legally sold my grandmother on eBay. (Looks outside) Hm. We appear to still be stuck up here. Say, did I ever tell you about the time when I told you about the time Roseanne brought her horrible family to Disney World?

Man: (Sounding annoyed) Can we please just talk about something else?

Jerk: I first released that video September 6th, 2013.

(We see a caption that says "Previously, on Breakfast with Conspiracy Guy")

Jerk (vo): Previously, on Breakfast with Conspiracy Guy...

(We see a man in a kitchen looking at an empty cereal box of Urkel-Os)

Man: I'm out of Urkel-Os.

(The next captions are shown)

Jerk (vo): And now, ladies and gentlemen, BLUES TRAVELER!!

(The opening logo of Roseanne is shown, before showing clips from the show)

Jerk (vo): Ah, Roseanne, the watershed, critically acclaimed, Emmy Award-winning, #1-rated program that finally brought the real face of working class America to prime time, and confirmed my long-held suspicion that certifiably crazy people always create the best TV.

Jerk: (Beat) Sometimes.

(Cut to a clip of Roseanne's TV talk show, with Roseanne talking with Weird Al Yankovic)

Roseanne Barr: I'll tell you this one day when I was six, and I was crossing the street to go to the school, and, of course, I had on this dress that I sold in Home Ed. (Weird Al chuckles) And so, I stepped off the curb, and this lady in a car runs me over and, um, drags me 30 feet by the legs, and the hood ornament goes in my head, and I'm, like, unconscious for about six months...do you want to have sex with me?

(Footage of Roseanne's Disney World episode is shown)

Jerk (vo): As you may have guessed, Disney was a little reluctant to condone product placement in this lunatic, cynical, twisted sitcom.

Roseanne: It better be good, 'cause they're showing that Full House where they think one of those little twins is dying.

Jerk (vo): And not just because they had recurring nightmares of her destroying animation by voicing a cow.

(Footage of Roseanne being interviewed for Home on the Range is shown)

Roseanne: It's not something anyone would like.

Jerk (vo): In fact, Roseanne's Disney World episode only came about when the show's producers saw the other two shows and said, "Fuck it. We want a free trip, too."

(Footage of the commentary for the episode is shown)

Roseanne: We had to beg, like, we're getting free stuff now.

Jerk: That is the closest thing to artistic integrity we're gonna see on this network. (Sighs) Savor it. (After a beat, he gets angry as the screen turns red) SAVOR IT!