Superman (1940s Public Domain Cartoon)

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to That Guy Riffs. Today, That Guy looks at the first cartoon ever to be made about Superman entitled...Superman. Sit back and enjoy. (makes a weird noise)

Paramount logo shows up

Doug: Paramount: making the best animated films that Nickelodeon's table scraps can give us.

Fade in to a night sky as Superman is seen flying in the sky

Doug: (as Superman) I'M ON FIRE!!!

Man: Up in the sky! Look!

Woman: It's a bird!

Man: It's a plane! It's Superman!

Superman title card appears as the credits begin rolling

Doug: Yes, Superman. The Man of Steel. The Son of Krypton. Disguised as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, Superman spends most of his time trying to get nookie from Lois Lane. But she won't put out until he marries, so they got married and live in his Fortress of Sex-itude. But then they discovered that Superman couldn't get it up in the sky. The Man of Steel was a floppy deal. Lois was crushed and wanted a divorce but Superman refused to pay alimony and wanted custody of the kids. But Superman couldn't get custody because of his uncontrolable addiction to Jagerbombs. Superman tried to break in and steal his kids but he was so drunk that he accidentally broke into the home of Bruce Wayne, who fought him off with his Kryptonite nunchuks. Thus, Superman spends most of his days punching his dog Krypto, drinking himself to oblivion while Lois stands on the ledge of rooftops and cries.

We properly begin the cartoon IN SPACE!

Narrator: In the endless reaches of the universe, there once existed a planet known as Krypton. A planet that burned like a green star in the distant heavens.

Doug: They called it the Sourball Planet.