Star Chaser


 * we start off with a shot of the NC's chair, but he's not in it, until he comes up from the lower left corner*

NC: (quietly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sorry about all this. It's just, I'm really concerned because I heard you-know-whom might be in town-- *lightning crash! cut to Sage wearing a hooded robe with an evil grin on his face while Night on Bald Mountain plays in the background* Aaah! Sage!

Sage: Yes. Me.

NC: You're looking good. You've been working out or something?

Sage: *stares*

NC: New haircut, new wardrobe, penis enhancements?

Sage: Silence!

NC: Aaah! What do you want with me, mentally demented one?

Sage: My day of reckoning, Critic. *pulls his hood off to show his normal hat* My day that has been coming for nearly four years.

NC: Reckoning?

Sage: That little cameo of mine in your Care Bears review could only sate me for so long, Critic. A full and proper crossover is inevitable.

NC: *scared* You mean you...wanna do a review? *Sage nods* Well, I guess that's fine with me! I'll just schedule the next five years--

Sage: *shakes his fist* Now, Critic!

NC: Aaah! Look, no offense, Sage, but anything having to do with you scares the shit out of me! I mean, you don't review things that are well. You are not well!

Sage: It took me a while, Critic, but I finally found the perfect movie for us to review.

NC: Oh no, I've seen what you review! You're not gonna make me review cops with grenades tied to their pubes or something!

Sage: Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. *NC sighs* If I showed you something from my...personal collection, it'd probably kill you. If you died, then I'd have no one to play with. So I bring you, this. *holds up the dvd case to Star Chaser as the music comes to a high note*

NC: *about to scream and the music goes silent when he sees the dvd* Star Chaser: The Legend of Orin? You kidding, what? This doesn't look that bad.

Sage: You're not afraid?


 * clips from the movie show*

NC (v/o): What, you got some 80s cheese, some bland story? It has some half-decent animation.

NC: It looks stupid and silly, but this doesn't look awful. No, I'm not afraid!

Sage: You will be. *lightning cracks*


 * more clips from the movie*

NC (v/o): So it seems I've been shanghaied into reviewing another fossilized piece of shit that nobody saw the first time it came out. Apparently Star Chaser was released in 1985, and flopped harder than a fat guy on America's Funniest Home Videos. (as he says that, a clip of a fat guy breaking a pool diving board and going into the pool is shown)

Sage (v/o): Aw, come on, Critic, you gotta give them credit for making the best 3D movie ever made. *a movie poster of Star Chaser is shown* Or at least that's what they say on the poster.

NC: Oh, sure, as we all know, 3D is the gatekeeper to quality entertainment. *as he says that, a picture of Transformers: Dark of the Moon is shown, followed by one for Titanic 3D* Though Kate Winslet's nipple in 3D does have some potential.

NC (v/o): So to be fair, the movie starts out all right. I mean, the animation looks like Heavy Metal threw up on a Molly Hatchet cover, but it's harmless.

Sage (v/o): *a scene of a robot slavemaster whipping a slave with a laser whip* Well, as harmless as forced labor in a dangerous mine can be. *a shot of Orin* This is our hero, Orin, who, despite having lived his entire life in the subterranean world as a slave, still manages to have a head of finely shampooed, luxuriant hair.

Elan: Slow down, grandfather, you're too old to keep up this pace!

Grandpa: Slowing down will only prolong my suffering. *as he says this, Orin slips in some of his crystal load into the other bucket*

Elan: Orin, don't! You won't survive doing the work of two!

Orin: The prettiest girl in the world, I'd do the work of ten.

NC: Yeah, have you seen Jessica? That chick be smokin'! *acts embarrassed* Oh, but you're hot, too. You're hot, too. *sotto* You have an nice tooth.


 * Orin gets a whip wrapped around his throat*

NC (v/o): It seems that Orin and his friends are slave laborers that mine crystals for a god named Zygon. *a shot of a Zygon from Dr. Who* No, not that Zygon. *a poster of Miss Saigon* Not that Saigon either. *now a shot of the movie's Zygon, laughing while flames roar in the background* This Zygon.

Zygon: My words are angry! *slaves are bent in worship* They have kept you alive since the beginning of time, and ask very little in return!

Sage: Just your continued subjugation and your free will. Really, you're taking advantage of us.

Sage (v/o): So after the slaves offer their mined crystals in exchange for food, Orin happens upon a strange sword embedded in the rock wall. *the sword glows, flies into the air, lands in the ground, then an old sage is projected from the sword*

Slave: It's alive!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You will go to the Dagobah system. There, you will learn from Yoda.

Sage: Oh, I'm sure that's just a coincidence. *then he gets an evil grin followed by lightning crashing*

NC (v/o:) Yeah, so Not-Obi-Wan say there are other worlds outside of the caverns, and that the wielder of the sword can free all the slaves if he is able to find the blade. *Orin fights with another slave over the hilt* After pointlessly wrestling with another slave, Orin takes what's left of the sword and vows to find the blade.

Orin: We'll go together, Elan.

Kallie: I'll go with you, too.

Orin: You'll have to be with us in spirit, Kallie. It's too dangerous for one as young as you.

Kallie: I'm not too young. You don't want me because I can't see!

NC: No, we don't want you because you're ball-gratingly annoying.

Kallie: Don't leave me, Orin. *cut* What if you don't come back?

NC: It's like he talks in that tone of voice whenever you're trying to mimic someone to sound really whiny. *proceeds to make whining noises like Kallie* Show 'em how it's done, Robin! *and a clip from the Batman & Robin review of Robin whining is shown*

Sage (v/o): Well, Orin and his girlfriend ditch the little turd and take of for...I don't know where, exactly. I guess they just figured that the way out of the caves that their people have lived in for generations has to be SOMEwhere. But, they don't get too far. *a scene of Orin fighting robot slavemasters with the laser drill is shown*

Sage: All right, so they give the slaves dangerous laser drills that can take out a guard in one hit, and give the guards...whips. This isn't an S&M bar. Why don't you give them some guns? *robots are shooting at our hero while Zygon's pushing one's gun down*

Zygon: Watch out for the crystals! *a laser hits the crystals and they explode around him and his soldiers*

Sage: Eh, point taken.


 * Orin and Elan are surrounded by robots and Zygon*

NC (v/o): Orin and his girlfriend get captured trying to escape where they learn that the "god" they've been worshipping all their lives turns out to be...*Zygon takes off his helmet, followed by a dramatic music sting* Oh my god, some guy!

NC (v/o): Yeah, really, was this supposed to be in any way surprising? Christ, we're just starting this movie and the dramatic reveal is already wasted. This isn't much of a twist! Anyway, it's not really that big an impact if you don't get to know the characters. We've barely even grown accustomed to Orin or, what's-her-face.

NC: But I guess it doesn't matter, it's not like she's gonna die in the next five minutes.

Sage: Try one. *Elan drops dead*

Orin: No!

NC: Well, she was completely pointless, wasn't she?

Sage: You don't even know the half of it.


 * Orin is cradling Elan's body*

Orin: This world above...I'll find it for you, Elan!

Sage (v/o): Orin manages to escape Zygon's clutches to a collapsed cavern. He digs his way out into the surface world, but it's not long before he runs into more danger. *Orin trips and falls face first into a swamp, meeting a one-armed mutant robot...thing, that growls at him*

NC: *scared* Sage, what's that?

Sage: Hell if I know.

NC (v/o): It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare.

Sage: No, *another alien, this one having a mechanical skull with beady, blood red eyes* this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare. *the mutant says something I can't make out for the most part of. Critic can just look in shock and awe* It's the eyes, isn't it?

NC: The eyes, what's up with the eyes?

Judge Doom: When I killed your brother, I talked JUST! LIKE! THIIIIISSSS!!!


 * Orin is chained up by the mutants*

NC (v/o): So, my new nightmares for the week take Orin prisoner, and decide on who gets what body part of Orin's. Ooh, I'll take the brain--wait, no, that won't fill me up enough. But one of the ungodly monstrosities gets a little too curious with Orin's sword and winds up cleaving one of the others in half.

Sage (v/o): Orin manages to trick the last of the remaining monsters into letting him go and, yeah, big deal tricking things that couldn't figure their way out of a Chinese Finger Trap.


 * Orin is running away from the mutant cave when he runs into Dagg, who shoots the last mutant dead*

Dagg: You've got exactly ten seconds to tell me what you're doing in this swamp.

Sage: O hai, Han Solo.

NC: Han, what are you talking about--oh, waitaminute. *dummy voice* A young kid on a distant backwater world finds a magic sword under the instruction of a wise old man, finds a rogue smuggler to help him defeat a dark overlord. This is Star Wa--*normal voice* Wait, is that guy a smuggler?

Sage: Yeah, he's a smuggler.

NC: *dummy voice* This is Star Wars!

Sage (v/o) Yeah, you're pretty much right. Star Chaser even goes beyond lifting plot elements and characters, and rips off iconic shots from the original trilogy.

NC: I can't believe it, this is shameful! This is insulting! This is downright unforgivable!

Sage: Oh, you wanna know what the best part is?

NC: What?!

Sage: The same people who distributed this in theaters, also distributed the Garbage Pail Kids movie.

NC: *he cries in fear at the revelation while Night On Bald Mountain plays again*

Sage: *enjoying NC's pain* Mmm, mmm, oh yeah that's good. Excuse me for a moment, folks, I, uh, got some business to attend to. *he takes out a bottle of Keri moisturizing cream as we go to commercial break*


 * after commercial*

Sage: *turns out he's rubbing the moisturizer onto his arms and elbows* What? I have crusty elbows.