To Boldly Flee

Part 1

''Our movie begins in space. We see a satellite orbiting over a nearby planet as it forms the new Channel Awesome logo. We then fade to black as we hear dialogue from ''Suburban Knights.

Ma-Ti: (weakly) Team out of danger?

NC: Yes.

''The accompanying scene then begins to slowly zoom into the screen in a blue tint. ''

Ma-Ti: Don’t grieve, Critic. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh…

NC: …the needs of the few.

Ma-Ti: Shut up, I’m talking.

NC: Oh, sorry.

Ma-Ti: <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">I never had much use for that stupid ring until now. What do you think of my solution?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight:bold">NC: <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Ma-Ti…

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Cut to Luke and Film Brain, looking distraught, Luke shaking his head. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-style:italic">Ma-Ti: <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">I have been, and always shall be, your friend. (Ma-Ti’s hand comes up to smack NC in the face) The power is yours. (Ma-Ti’s hand falls, dragging NC’s glasses off his face with it and catching on NC’s lip. Ma-Ti’s head falls to the ground)

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight:bold">NC:  <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">(seeing that Ma-Ti has died) No… (He turns away, heartbroken. We dissolve to another scene where, at the end of his line, the image is now full-screen) Of all the souls I’ve ever met on my travels, his was the most...hearty.

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">The honor guard draws their weapons. NC picks up the oatmeal canister. Handsome Tom throws it into the sky. The reviewers watch the sky as the sun sets, and we end the <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""> Suburban Knights footage. <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Ma-Ti’s canister is floating in space as it passes Jupiter. Suddenly, an explosion occurs.  <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">The opening credits roll showing a mysterious circular anomaly and clips of the Channel Awesome reviewers and villains floating in space. Appropriate space-themed epic music accompanies. Title sequence fades to black. ''

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">We cut to a parking lot near a stream with a satellite in the background. We see PawDugan crouched on the hood of his car with a laptop by his side. Suddenly, a pounding sound is heard. Paw lifts up his head and opens his eyes as he continues to listen to the sound from the satellite. He then checks his laptop to see an image of Earth and some graphs, shuts it, hops in his car, and races out of the parking lot. ''

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">We then see the anomaly in space before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic waking up in his bedroom looking shocked. He briefly looks around before he begins to dress himself in his normal attire and head to his filming room. His voice-over begins: ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC (vo): Critic’s Log. Star Date: Umm... Thursday. It’s been one year since our battle with Malachite. We won, and yet I feel a certain unease. The death of Ma-Ti left a hole in my heart that can’t be filled. The critics have returned to their jobs, and, for them, life goes on. But for me, the house feels empty, like my 26-year old freeloading Indian child has just left for college never to return. (He looks at a portrait of Ma-Ti, a still where he's screaming from the Battlefield Earth review) It’s a feeling I’m not used to. (He then dials his phone)

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Film Brain: Hello?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Hey, Film Brain.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Nostalgia Critic! How wonderful to hear your voice! (worried) What have I done wrong?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: What?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Well, it’s just that whenever you contact one of your reviewers, it’s either to criticize them or fire them. PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME, MR. CRITIC!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: No. No. No. It’s not that. I just… I just need somebody to talk to.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Oh, well, anything in particular?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: I don’t know. It’s just… You ever wonder what it means to be forgotten? To be cast aside?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Well, now that you mention it…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: I didn’t think so. It’s just... (sighs) Ma-Ti, you know. I’d never thought I’d end up missing him.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: You’re probably feeling guilty.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Nah, that’s not it.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Okay...

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: I feel… powerless. It’s like everything I do has a negative impact on somebody. I... (long pause) I just wish there was a way I could fix it.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: How? You dumped his ashes into an oatmeal can and then launched him into space.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Yeah, that was a weird request in his will.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Which you wrote.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: He would’ve have wanted it that way.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: After his death.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: As I had to.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: In his blood.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Well, if you had a pen...

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Critic, you have to come to terms with the fact that Ma-Ti is part of that complete breakfast in the sky now.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: (sighs) Look, I can see I’m bothering you. Just go back to making reviews.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">FB: Of course, and if you ever need someone to talk to again-

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Critic hangs up and looks at the portrait again when the doorbell rings. He answers it to see a man in a suit. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Man: (played by Jim Jarosz) Nostalgia Critic?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Yeah?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Man: You’re under house-arrest.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: What? Under what charges?

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Cut to a courtroom. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Terrorism! Murder! And a complete disrespect for absolutely brilliant filmmaking. These are the crimes by the internet personality “Nostalgia Critic,” and I will not rest until he faces the cool hand of JUSTICE!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge (played by Barney Walker): …Who are you?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: I am Terl. Last survivor of the once proud and mighty Psyclo empire, and I am here to prove the Nostalgia Critic is a renegade and terrorist. Roll the footage. <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">(Cut to footage of the  <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Battlefield Earth <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""> review, as well as <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Kickassia <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""> and <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Suburban Knights <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">, all dubbed as 'File Footage)

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl (vo): Not only is he responsible for the destruction of my home planet, but he also invaded a micro-nation, stole valuable goods, and besmirched my cinematic masterpiece, Battlefield Earth.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: I demand the execution of the Nostalgia Critic! I demand justice!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge: Mr. Hurl…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: TERL!!!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge:…Whatever. From what I understand, your movie got 2% on Rotten Tomaters.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: I demand justice! These internet reviewers clearly have too much power.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge: It’s a moot point, anyway. The Judiciary Committee has already voted. When they pass the SUCKA Bill…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: SUCKA Bill?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge: Stop the Unstoppable Copyright Killers Act, reviewers like the Nostalgia Critic won’t even be in business anymore.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Then the Critic goes unpunished?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge: The Nostalgia Critic will be charged with 17 hundred and 64 violations of the FCC regulations.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: FCC REGULATIONS?!? That’s outrageous! (Stands up and points at the judge) Remember this well, stupid humans: There will be no peace between our planets as long as the Nostalgia Critic lives! I vow that I will fol…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">He is then suddenly interrupted by a random ad.  <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Announcer: (voice of Brentalfloss) This vow has been brought to you by Energoda. It’s not an energy drink. It’s not a soda. It’s Energoda.

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">At this point, we see the proceedings on a TV set being watched by a mustached man. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Wait. Did you just place a commercial over my dramatic speech?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Judge: Cut backs. Governments sometimes get extra money for advertisements. (He smiles as the phrase “Eat at Mega-Pizza” appears below him; a bell dings as well)

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Well, how many times is that going to hap…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Announcer: This question is brought to you by Energy Chips. They’re not energy. They’re not chips. Actually, yes, they are.

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">The mustache man turns off the TV. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Commercial Break 

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Cut back to mustache man, known as Lame R. Prick (played by Jim Troken), talking with a man in glasses (played by Orlando Belisle). ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Lame R. Prick: This is an abomination. These critics are consummate snowball artists.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Glasses man: (in a nerdy voice with a slight lisp) Yes, sir.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Prick: People think they’re watching reviews, so they tune into these bozos who put on scatalogical rants filled with pop cultural references.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Glasses: Sssome people might think you’re overreacting. Some are asking if there’s a need for SUCKA. I mean, I know you’re their sponsor and all; but a lot of people don’t see Internet critics as a threat.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Prick: These charlatans are threatening freedom and making it harder to protect our corporate oligarchies. Smurfs 2 may have to be canceled.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Glasses: (gasps)

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Prick: And what about the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies? There could be no more squeak-quels.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Glasses: With all due respect. I think audiences' disinterest…

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Prick: Inconceivable! Chipmunks eating poo is the epitome of high art!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Glasses: You paid someone to write that?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Prick: I wrote it myself! Find this Terl fellow immediately. He may be of some use to us. Now to draft some Internet policy. <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">(Prick starts tapping his computer screen; he has no clue what he's doing) <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Oh, I can’t turn it on. Someone call the IT guy. (Picks up the phone as the glasses guy looks on) I know. I can’t turn it on. No, really. I don’t know where the 'on' button is. Really. Really.

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Cut to Paw’s room as he rushes to his laptop. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: (putting on a headset) Emergency mee-Emergency meeting, guys. Emergency meeting. Somebody wake up Joe. (Cut to a drowsy Angry Joe) This is an emergency meeting of the Space Research Committee. Roll call.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR!: CR, present.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">That Sci-Fi Guy: (yawns) That Sci-Fi Guy, present.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: Angry Joe?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: (still drowsy) Ready to kill you.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: Then let this meeting commence. Astro Semper Fidelis!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR: Fidelis!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">SFG: Fidelis!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: Yeah, uh, what they said.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: OK. Since we started the Space Research Committee, we have had one goal on our minds.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: To get rich.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: No, to boldly find what no man has ever found before.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: And get rich off it.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: And for all the time we spent night after night, what have we encountered?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: Rocks.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR: Rocks.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">SFG: A shitload of rocks.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: Then there was that thing you thought was a UFO...

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR: But that was a rock.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: Well, take a listen at what I heard today.

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">He plays the pulsing sound as everyone intently listens. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">SFG: OK, I am running a scan.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: I’ll see if I can use my satellite to get a lock on it.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">SFG: Uh, all preliminary scans check. This is legit.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR: Listen to the pulses on that thing.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw: The gravitational pull on that thing has to be stupendous.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">SFG: Whatever it is, it’s gigantic.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: OK. Tracking complete. Source point is confirmed as… Jupiter.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">CR: Jupiter?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Joe: Yeah, and, uh, is it me or does it look like it’s getting bigger?

''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Paw looks puzzled as we cut back to the Critic’s house. NC checks outside for someone, then checks his ankle bracelet. He takes a deep breath and tries to leave his house but gets shocked in the process. ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Doh! Stupid bracelet! <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">(He then shuts the door as his phone rings)  ''<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Hello? ''

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: (in his spaceship and shot at a slanted angle; sound familiar?) Greetings, you pathetic pile of man-animal!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Mom?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Oh, you may have evaded intergalactic law, Rat-Brain, but you’ve not evaded me.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Mom, have you been drinking again?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: It’s Terl!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Who?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Terl! You did a review of my movie. You blew up my planet. You practically destroyed my entire species.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Who?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: Terl, your arch-nemesis! T-U-Double R-Double L. You know what that spells?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Tigger?

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: TERL!!!

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">NC: Oh, you’re the dick you got me under house arrest! I have to wear this stupid-ass bracelet because of you.

<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Terl: It's the least you deserve, Rat-Brain!

NC: Where are you calling from, anyway?

Terl (vo): (we see an exterior shot of his ship floating through space) My ship, of course. Not quite as cozy as your home, (back inside the ship) but it will suffice until I see your day in court.

NC: And when's that?

Terl: Uh, last I looked... 20 years.

NC: What the fuck? Why so long?

Terl: Apparently, they didn't think the case was very important.

NC: Or they thought YOU weren't very important. Did they even believe you were an alien? You look like Coolio trick-or-treating as Jack Sparrow.

Terl: Oh, so that's how it is. Well, I will make you pay for destroying my life. Consider this my vow.

Critic suddenly hears a thump downstairs.

Terl (vo): I will not rest until your body is in ashes. Oh, there's no place high or low. I've marked every by-way and path you know! I will climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow!

NC: (Starting to head downstairs) Hey, listen, can you legally do anything to me?

Terl: No...

''Critic hangs up. Ominous music plays as he walks downstairs but he sees nothing. He starts to head back upstairs when suddenly...''

Voice: Critic.

NC: ...Ma-Ti?

''The Critic turns around to find a shadowy figure sitting in his chair. He slowly approaches the figure and grabs him, revealing a possessed-looking Spoony.''

NC: Spoony! What are you doing here? Have you lost your mind?

Spoony: (sounding a bit like Ma-Ti throughout this scene) Help me, Critic! Take me home!

NC: Spoony. Spoony, we are home. My home. Get out.

Spoony: Then there's still time. Search for my body. Find the hole.

NC: OK, there is no way I am reaching for your hole.

Spoony: The hole. It's coming!

NC: Please say no more about your coming hole.

Spoony: (putting his hand on Critic's head as Ma-Ti did before) Remember. Remember.

NC: I think you need a doctor. (Spoony falls on him, his hand still on NC's face as they both lay on the floor) Ah. Now I need a doctor.

Cut to Linkara reading a comic on his couch.

Linkara: I just don't know, Paw. You want to take my spaceship to go investigate some beeps in space?

Paw: It's not just beeps in space! The government's trying to cover it up! I tried calling NASA about this, but they treated me like I was crazy.

Linkara: What'd you tell them?

Paw: That I'm an internet reviewer who needs a spaceship.

Linkara: Sounds sane to me.

Paw: Oh, come on! You're the only reviewer I know who has a spaceship. Where'd you get that thing anyway?

Linkara: Oh, it's explained in my videos. ...You have watched my videos, right Paw?

Paw: ...Course I do...

Linkara: Then tell me, what's Mechakara?

Paw: ...Jambi's magic words?

Linkara: It's my psychotic robot double! How does my theme song go?

Paw: Um... "I met you on a Thursday..."

Linkara: What do I review, Paw?!

Paw: ...Lamps?

Linkara: Goodbye, Paw. (Hangs up)

''Paw goes back to work, trying to find out more about that mysterious sound. Back in Minnesota, Linkara then sees a news report on TV.''

Reporter (v/o by Holly Christine Brown): And in other news, police are baffled by a string of shootings in the Minneapolis area. The targets are all white males in their 20s who work online from home and have ties to the comic book industry.

Linkara: Huh! Glad that doesn't affect me any. (There is a knock at the door) Coming! (at his front door) Lamps. Who is it?

Robot voice: Special delivery.

Linkara: I didn't order anything.

Robot voice: ...Candygram.

Linkara: Must be from another admiring fan. Well, buck up. 

(We see the front of the door with Post-It saying "RENT DUE! -Management")

Mechakara: Linkara!

Linkara: Yes I'm... (As he opens the door, he finally notices who it is) gonna go get him. (He tries to leave, but Mechakara's hand blocks Linkara from shutting the door)

Cut to Spoony being examined by Dr. C. Tease (Elisa Hansen) and Dr. C. Block (Antonella "Nella" Inserra)

NC: Yeah, the doctor's looking at him now. We don't know what's wrong with him. Oh, hold on, I got a call on the other line, Sage. Hello?

Linkara (vo): (lasers shooting in the background) Critic!

NC: Linkara?

Linkara (vo): Critic! Help! He's gonna kill me!

NC: Look, Linkara. I need to go. The doctors need to talk.

Linkara (vo): Critic, NO! (NC hangs up as the doctors begin to discuss their findings)

Dr. Tease: Well, from all outward appearances, Spoony seems to be completely normal.

Dr. Block: Yes. "Normal."

Tease: All except for his saxophone-shaped penis.

NC: Penis?

Block: Yes.

Tease: But we all know about that.

NC: We did?

Block: Of course.

Tease: The problem seems to be inside his head.

NC: Which head?

Tease: His brain.

Block: Not his penis.

NC: Penis?

Tease: No, but thanks for offering.

Block: We shall have to examine Spoony's head.

NC: His brain?

Tease: No, his penis, but we should do that too. Make a note of that.

Block: I think we'll find that Spoony is suffering from an acute case of CCFCP.

NC: Which is?

Tease: Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs.

Block: It's a technical term. You can find it in the DSM-4 right next to Fruity As A Nutcake.

Tease: And when abbreviated, it has the exact same number of letters as the word "penis."

NC: Penis?

Tease: Maybe later. Don't worry. (The doctors lift up Spoony from his chair, placing each of his arms around their necks) We'll take good care of Spoony. Especially his head.

NC: You mean penis.

(Tease slaps him)

Block: Pervert! (The doctors leave to take Spoony to their examination room)

NC: (out loud to himself) Why do I talk to people?

Cut to Terl's ship

Henchman: Sir, direct call from... you-know-who.

Terl: (obviously concerned) Send it to my office.

''We see a brief shot of Terl's ship before cutting to Terl inside a dark metallic room. He kneels down before a hologram of an Emperor Palpatine-esque character played by Rob Walker.''

Terl: What is thy bidding, Executor?

Executor: There is a great disturbance in the hole.

Terl: ...Have you tried Preparation H?

Executor: Not that hole. (Points up) It.

Terl: Oh, that.

Executor: Yes. I sense a great disturbance in the Spoony One. The hole's reach is strong in him. He must not be allowed to turn.

Terl: He's just a critic.

Executor: In our line of work, critics are a dangerous thing.

Terl: But if he could be turned?

Executor: Then he could be a valuable ally.

Terl: Yes, and with the Critic under house arrest, there'd be no one to stop us.

Executor: Then so be it. Everything must go according to plan. The hole must remain anonymous. Soon there will be a new order. Without a critic to stop us, the Internet will be ours, and then we shall have ... peeaacccce.

Terl: Soon the Critics will be crushed, and the Spoony One will be one of us!

Executor: Wait, that's totally my line.

Terl: What?

Executor: We're doing Jedi now, right? You totally stepped over my line.

Terl: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were doing Sith!

Executor: No, we're doing both. See, you're doing Vader. I'm doing the Emperor. Sorta of a catch-all.

Terl: Oh, I get it now. Maybe we could start over and...

Executor: You know, I think that ship has sailed. Just forget about it. Find Spoony.

Terl: It'll be difficult. I'm not exactly sure where he is. Hold on, I've got Hologram Waiting.

Executor: You will not put me on hold-

(The hologram switches to Lame R. Prick)

Terl: Hello?

Prick: Hello. My name is Prick. Lame R. Prick, and I hear you're having a problem with... critics.

Terl: Yeah. So?

Prick: I think we can come to an arrangement that has both our interests in mind.

Cut to Linkara being thrown to the floor with a finger trap on.

Mechakara: Don't worry, you pathetic organic vermin. (He holds up Malachite's Hand) Once the secret power behind this is deciphered, (we see Mechakara standing) all of your petty meat-bag troubles will be over with. Nobody will even know you're gone. (He shuts the door, leaving Linkara, who faints on the floor)

The anomaly continues to grow as an image of Gort the Robot appears.

Robot: IT'S CALLING YOU...

The Critic wakes up in his bed shocked again.

NC: Who? Who's calling me?

He lies down then looks to his side to find The Last Angry Geek wearing a Jedi robe lying next to him.

LAG: (in a British accent a la Sir Alec Guinness) I think you know.

The Critic screams three times and gets out of bed.

NC: Last Angry Geek! What are you doing here? How'd you get inside my house? Didn't you try to kill me last year?

LAG: This is about Ma-Ti. Your front door was unlocked. And yes, I would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you pesky kids.

NC: Well, why are you here to talk now?

LAG: All in good time, Critic. First, there is urgent business I must take care of. (They both intensely stare at each other. Cut to Critic looking pissed off in his room as we hear a toilet flush. We see LAG come out of the bathroom) I apologize for any horrors you may face in there, Critic. Taco Bell is a harsh mistress.

NC: Well, thank you for the lovely gift. Can you go now?

LAG: No, there is something important that we must discuss.

NC: Tft. Yeah. Ma-Ti, right? What do you have to say about him?

LAG: Why, Critic? Why did you leave Ma-Ti in that oatmeal can?

NC: We all thought he was dead. We cremated him. That usually does the trick.

LAG: Only his body was dead. Critic. His character survived.

NC: His what?

LAG: His character. That part of him that lives on in his role. Darrin from Bewitched. Becky from Roseanne. Doctor Who. James Bond. Clarice. Dumbledore. Different bodies, but the character survives. As he survives... (points at NC) in you.

NC: (after a long pause) What the hell are you talking about?

LAG: Share your thoughts with me. Critic. A Nerd Meld: our minds as one.

NC: You want to go inside my mind?

LAG: Yes.

NC: ...Do I have to?

LAG: (quickly) YES!

NC: Okay, okay. (LAG reaches for him when Critic grabs his arm) Just, if there's any naked images of Orlando Bloom in there, just know I thought he was a girl.

LAG: We all did, Critic... We all did.

NC: All right. All right.

''LAG places his fingers on the Critic's head. He melds with the Critic as we see Ma-Ti's death again.''

LAG: He spoke of your friendship. The needs of the many... outweigh...

NC: ...the needs of the few.

LAG: Shut up, I'm talking.

NC: (annoyed) Sorry!

LAG: (continuing to meld; after a while, he concludes:) There's nothing in there.

NC: Oh, come on. That's a little harsh.

LAG: No, I mean, there's nothing of Ma-Ti in there. I apologize, Critic. I did not know. He never melded with you. (starts to walk away) And thus, everything he is or ever was... is lost.

NC: (thinks for a moment, then goes after LAG, saying this off-screen) Wait. Maybe not.

Cut to a house exterior as we move into space.

SFG (vo): You know, guys, this could be the greatest discovery of our time. Something this massive and powerful could change everything.

CR (vo): Hey, uh, you don't think this thing could be related to Spoony, do you?

Paw (vo): I don't know, but until we do, we may want to keep this thing under wraps. You never know who might be listening.

SFG (vo): Oh, come on. Nobody's listening to a bunch of geeks, and besides, I got all the equipment to study this thing.

A giant laser looking contraption starts warming up.

SFG (vo): If something goes wrong, we'll still have everything documented. God strike me down if I'm wrong!

The laser shoots down towards Earth and blows up that house - Sci-Fi Guy's house.

Paw: (getting concerned) Sc-Sci-Fi-Guy! Sci-Fi... What happened? Joe, satellite feed.

Joe: (looking at his terminal) ...Dude, you are not going to believe this: His house just wiped out. It came from wherever that signal came from. (looks at his camera) I think he's dead.

Paw: (in a dramatic manner) No. No. No. (looks up to the sky and shakes his fist) SCI-FI... (is quickly interrupted; his demeanor changes on a dime) Oh, hang on. Hang on. I got another call. (he's happy and smiling) Hey hey hey, Mom. Hey, hey, everything's good. I'm kinda in the middle of something, Mom. Can you give me a call back? Ok. L-Love you. Bye Bye. (blows a kiss; he then quickly reverts back to his original demeanor, looking up again) ...GUY!!!

''Cut to "security footage" in blue tint of Ma-Ti at the final battle from Suburban Knights as he approaches Gandalf Spoony. The Critic and Last Angry Geek watch from NC's computer bay.''

Spoony: Just where do you think you're going, Ma-Ti?

Ma-Ti: I'm here to help the Critic!

Spoony: It's far too dangerous...

Ma-Ti: (Vulcan pinches him) I have no time to explain, Spoony. (Holds his hand to Spoony's head and whispers into his ring:) Remember.

NC: Spoony. Of course! Spoony has his character.

LAG: One dead, one flown over the cuckoo's nest. Both lost. I do not like this, Critic. Something's amiss.

NC: Amiss? What do you mean something's amiss? Everything's finally starting to add up.

LAG: Where did you get that battle footage? Who filmed it? Why is so well edited? When did Ma-Ti find the time to do this? There's no continuity. Things are starting to unravel, Critic. I sense a disturbance in The Plot.

NC: The what?

LAG: The Plot. Think of it as an unseen hand writing our every move. It guides us, surrounds us, directs us, gives our story arcs purpose. I've been studying The Plot for some time now, hence the smelly robe.

NC: Yeah. (waves his hand in front of his face) I was going to ask about that.

LAG: In a perfect world, The Plot should flow, but now... I have to go.

NC: Again? God, how many chimichangas did you eat?

LAG: (annoyed) No, I mean, I must leave! I'm sorry.

NC: Leave? But why, we're finally starting to solve the problem here.

LAG: No, Critic. They're only beginning. (Turns around to reveal he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt) I sense a great evil. I must confront it alone, but if I should fail - (in his normal voice) and given how I'm dressed, that seems more than likely - (back in his accent) it will fall to you and your friends to defeat it in a suitably heroic fashion. Find Spoony. Listen to everything he has to say. All hope now lies with him.

NC: (quickly looks away for a half-second) But I can't with the...

He turns around to see LAG's not there anymore.

LAG: (Pops up from below, speaking normal again) No, just kidding, I'm still here.

NC: Oh! (chuckes) That's good.

LAG: See ya. (he leaves)

NC sees the footage again and ponders.

Cut to Spoony being examined by Dr. Tease and Dr. Block as Dr. Tease hooks up wires to his head.

Tease: Now, I don't want you to be alarmed, Spoony. This is just a device to monitor your conscience. Whatever you think will appear on the screen.

Block: Oh, and just so you feel comfortable, we invited a few of your friends.

''Cinema Snob, Luke Mochrie, and Bennett the Sage enter. They all say their lines at the same time.''

Snob: Hey, sexy.

Luke: Hey! You're looking good. How are ya doin'?

Sage: Hey, how's it going, man?

Spoony: Cinema Snob. Sage. Luke. What are you doing here?

Luke: Oh, uh, Cinema Snob is taking me under his wing. He's teaching me how to be a, um, (reads his notes) "pompous, slimy, cynical know-it-all", just like a real critic.

Snob: And you've chosen a very good teacher.

Block: OK, here's how it works-

Luke: That read was flat and unconvincing!

Snob: Nicely done.

Luke: Thank you.

Block: (confused) ...Here's how it works. You subjects will ask Spoony a series of questions so that his subconscious will answer them here. (motions to the computer screen they have)

Tease: We'll begin with some rudimentary questions. Gentlemen, proceed.

Sage: OK. (Holds up a card) Um, Spoony, what are you thinking about right now?

Spoony: Umm...

Computer Screen: Friday by Rebbecca* Black._

(*Yes, Rebecca is spelled wrong. This is how it shows up in the movie.)

Spoony: Wait a minute, I never said that!!

Tease: But your mind did!

Block: Isn't science embarrassing?

Spoony: My mind did not say that.

Computer: Yes, It did._

Spoony: No, it didn't!

Computer: Yes, It did._

Spoony: No, it didn't!!

Computer: You're still thinking about it._

Spoony: Well, now I am because the damn machine put the song in my head!

Computer: Liar._

Snob: All right. All right. Now, let's get real. Spoony, how often do you listen to Rebecca Black?

Spoony: Never!

Computer. 12 Times a Day._

Luke: Why do you like her so much?

Spoony: I don't!

Computer: She reminds me of my long lost sister._

Sage: Wait a minute. You had a sister?

Spoony: No!

Computer: Yes._

Sage: And she reminded you of Rebecca Black?

Computer: Yes._

Spoony: (getting frustrated) This isn't happening!!

Snob: Spoony. Were you sexually attracted to your sister?

Spoony: What the fuck kind of question is...

Computer: Yes._

Tease: (writing down notes) This is gold!

Spoony: (agitated) Can we change the subject, please?

Sage: All right. All right. All right. All right. ...Spoony, what do you really think of Highlander 2?

Computer: Wasn't that bad._

Snob: Mazes and Monsters?

Computer: Tom Hanks is dreamy._

Luke: The last 4 Final Fantasy games?

Computer: Guilty pleasures._

Luke: Wow. You are such a phony!

Spoony: (angry) Moving on, please!!

Block: Uh, the machine works. Get to the real questions.

Snob: Hmm. (To Luke) Remind me to ask him if he's a transvestite.

Computer: Yes._

Spoony: DAMN IT!

Snob: I love this thing.

''Cut to Critic's front door where someone holding lingerie and other kinky clothes - S&M outfit, perhaps? - knocks. The Critic opens the door. We see it's...''

Nostalgia Chick: Hello! What part of Rocky Horror Picture Show crossover review did you not understand?

NC: Uh. Come on in, Nostalgia Chick. It's a long story. (she enters but briefly stops when NC points at those clothes) You're gonna wear those, right?

NChick: Nnnope.

''NC sighs as they both go into the house. Cut to NC walking downstairs with a cup of coffee.''

NC: Yeah, I always knew I'd pay for my crimes against humanity. I just thought it would be someone from humanity, you know. I mean, I really... (Sees the Chick at his computer) Who are talking to?

NChick: No one.

Todd in the Shadows: (On the other end) I swear to God, if you call again, I will get a restraining order-

Chick shuts him off.

NC: (Sighs) Really? You're still after that Todd in the Shadows guy?

NChick: I don't know. (almost becomes infatuated, thinking of Todd) There's just something about a guy in a mask whose clearly hiding some deep emotional damage. Sexy, you know?

NC: (sits down in his recliner) Oh, you mean, like the mystery about why he has the hots for Obscurus Lupa?

NChick: Uh. That Bozo the Cow? What does that 10-dollar box-dying hair tard have that- I mean, he has the hots for her?

NC: (after giving Chick a puzzling look, he sets down his coffee) What really concerns me is this whole Spoony/Ma-Ti thing. That and these weird dreams I've been having.

NChick: Oh, you're concerned about your dreams now?

NC: Yeah, I know it sounds stupid but at the same time, a lot of weird, stupid stuff has been happening, it's kinda hard not to notice. The especially weird thing is that every time I get one of these dreams ... I feel like it's calling me someplace.

NChick: Calling you...

NC: I know. I know it sounds crazy. It's totally insane, but every single time I get one of these dreams, I feel like it's calling me to someplace important, someplace where I belong, someplace ... where I can make a difference. (grows really concerned as Chick looks on) I don't know what's going on, but... I just want to find out what's calling me.

NChick: (goes over to NC and kneels next to him) Critic. Do you think that maybe you could ... find the energy in you so you could ... give me Lupa's phone number so we could prank call her?

NC: (after a few seconds) Yeah, I could use the entertainment. (Chick is happy as they both go to prank Lupa)

Cut to Spoony's interrogation.

Block: Spoony. I want you to try and remember what happened when you entered the Critic's house.

Spoony: Well, I, um...

The lights start flickering, and the computer starts becoming static-y.

Tease: Increase span width to his brain! Get us back in sync.

Block: That's what I'm doing!

Spoony: What's going on?

Tease: It's all right, Spoony. Everything's fine! (To Dr. Block) Everything's not fine. (To Sage) Ask him the questions from Set B.

Sage: (holding up the cards) OK, um... What is your name?

Spoony: Spoony.

Computer: Ma-Ti._

Everyone looks confused.

Tease: Keep asking!

Sage: After the fight with the Gauntlet, you left Arizona. Where did you go?

Spoony: What do you mean? I never left.

Computer: Orbiting the Planet Jupiter._

Luke: Jupiter?

Snob: Why were you at the Critic's house that night?

Computer: Phone Home._

Sage: Phone Home?

Snob: Spoony, where do you think we are right now?

Spoony: What? In this room.

Computer: The Jovian Moon of Europa._

Cut to Obscurus Lupa as we hear the Chick's voice before cutting to her.

NChick: (Southern accent) And so, as the head of the FAA, we would like for you to stop dying your head that horrible red so our pilots will no longer be blinded by your hellishly slutty colors.

Lupa: Ooh. Thank you, Mrs. Secretary, and so long as we're talking about air space, you might want to put Nostalgia Chick on your maps. Her obviously padded bra is much too large. And if an Argentinian soccer team crashes under her breasts and are forced to eat themselves...

NChick: (hangs up) Damn, she's good. (Critic curiously checks out her bra then looks away) Hey, what's that?

She sees the black computer with only the phrase "Hello.".

NC: Did you push anything?

NChick: No...

Doctor's office

Sage: How did you get to Europa?

Spoony: What are you talking about??

Computer: Through the hole._

Snob: The hole?

Critic and Chick

NC: (Typing, not speaking) Hello?

Computer: Is this the Critic?

NC: That depends. Who is this?

Computer: Ma-Ti.

NC (both he and Chick look disbelieving) Ma-Ti, huh? Back from the dead?

Computer: Ask Spoony, He'd Remember. (Critic and Chick look concerned) Why did you abandon me, Critic?

NC: Turn this off.

NChick: (presses a button) I can't.

NC: What?

NChick: (starts frantically hitting many buttons) I can't. It won't let me!

Computer: Why did you leave me to die?

Doctor's office.

Block: Of course, wormhole theory! It's the only way he could travel.

Tease: It's the only logical explanation.

Sage: But how does that work?

The computer starts showing mathematical equations.

Luke: What's going on?

Block: He's... showing us...

The Critic's computer says "Remember," which then repeats itself on the screen.

NC: See if this is happening on your computer.

NChick: Yeah. (Heads upstairs)

Back to the doctor's office, as the equations become more complicated.

Snob: Looks like Stephen Hawking's grocery list.

Tease: Who knows what's in this guy's head?

Block: It could take eight Will Huntings to decipher this hole.

Spoony: (becoming worried) I don't think I like this...

The Chick goes to her laptop computer to find the same equations and Remember screen.

Block: Spoony, where is the hole?

''Black out. The pulsing sound from the "hole" starts pounding again. Spoony now looks possessed as star charts start showing up on the computer.''

Snob: What's he doing?

Tease: He's searching through star charts.

Block: Our computers don't have this information!

''Spoony starts shaking. Meanwhile, the Critic stares angrily at the "Remember" screen then tries to turn off the computer. He can't. He then tries to unplugs it but struggles doing so. Eventually, he pulls the plug out of the socket and sighs relief, tilting his head back while sitting down, but the images keep popping up, much to his dismay. He stands in fear. Spoony continues to shake vigorously as the computer zooms in on the "hole." The others in that room being to fear for Spoony's safety. Chick returns downstairs. ''

NChick: It's on all of the compu... ters... (notices the computer screen)

''They back away slowly from the computer as the Critic starts to hide behind Chick. Snob tries to restrain Spoony as the computer comes closer to the hole's location.''

Tease: Spoony, is this the hole? (She points to the screen as the anomaly from before comes on screen and grows bigger)

Computer: Yes._

''Both computers explode. Spoony has now passed out. NC and Chick come back up from ducking out of the way of the explosion.''

NC: (pointing at Chick) That was definitely meant for you.

NChick: (looks back at NC, giving an exasperated sigh) Uh!

To Be Continued...

Part 2

''Open in Prick's office. He's playing Angry Birds on his iPad as Glasses Man comes in, holding some data printout.''

Glasses: Uh, sir. This just came in from the NSA. Interesting activity all over the net. We thought it was a worm overriding all the ASL systems, but...

Prick: I told you. I just write Internet policy. I don't understand it.

Glasses: Sir, I think you should see this. (Hands him a sketch of the "hole.")

Prick: Where did you get this?

Glasses: From the mind of a D-List internet celebrity.

Prick: Contact Terl. We leave at once.

''Cut to the Doctor's office with Spoony knocked out. Snob is out of the room, Sage is eating a hot dog, and Luke holds a can of soda.''

Block: (Sighs) I'm concerned about Spoony.

Tease: He's sedated but his brain is still downloading vast amounts of information from somewhere.

Sage: How much information?

Block: Physically speaking? Enough that it will make that weiner of yours about twice the size of Chicago and three times the height of Mt. Everest. (Sage stops eating)

Luke: (to Sage) Wow, you are hung!

Block: You see, most critics only use 5% of their brain, but Spoony is at 92%.

Sage: Well, why not pull the plug and wake him up?

Tease: Because whatever he's hooked up to is still pumping.

Block: Have you ever tried to unplug a fire hose when it's still attached to the hydrant? (Makes splashy noises)

Luke: Well, what happens if his brain fills to 100%?

Tease: A boom..

Block: Boom.

Tease: Boom.

Sage: JESUS!

Tease: Now you see the conundrum?

Sage: Well, we have to do something. I don't want to see my friend's head explode.

Tease: Oh, don't worry.

Block: We have a contingency plan. (Tease opens up an umbrella)

Snob: (entering) How's Spoony holding up?

Luke: Not good. Ask Sage about his weiner.

Snob: (confused, disgusted) No!

''Quick zoom of the door from the outside. Prick and Glasses burst in.''

Snob: Um, can we help you?

Prick: In the interest of National Security, we are here to confiscate your spoon. (camera briefly pans to Spoony and then back on Prick)

Sage: What?

Prick: (a la Walter Peck from Ghostbusters) Shut this off. Shut this all off.

Tease: Shutting this off would have extremely dangerous consequences.

Prick: I'm not interested in your opinion, you gaggle of quacks. JUST SHUT IT OFF.

Tease: Something out there is talking to Spoony, and we don't know what.

Block: Pulling him out of this coma can have dire consequences.

Luke: Yeah. Tell him about Sage's weiner.

Sage: (nervously chuckles at Prick) That might sound weird out of context...

Prick: SHUT IT OFF!!!

Glasses: Right.

Snob: (stopping him) My friend. Don't be a douchebag.

Glasses: Um, I'm not much of a medical doctor...

Prick: Neither are they. They got an honorary degree from the Freudian University Gift Shop.

Snob: Is that true?

Block: Absolutely NOT!!!

Tease: I got mine out of a cereal box!

Prick: SHUT IT OFF!!!

Glasses: (moving past Snob) OK!

''Tease makes an explosion gesture as Glasses reaches for the plug. Everyone cowers behind Prick as Block opens her umbrella. Glasses pulls the plug; once he does, red sirens start going off.''

Glasses: Oh, shit!

''Everyone looks concerned as Spoony's eyes open to reveal a white glow. He lets out a fiery blast through his mouth that explodes through the ceiling. We then see a montage of red orbs floating around Chicago set to a remake of Mick Smiley ' s "Magic" (only in this case, "magic" is replaced with "science".) It looks very much like the 'spirits released' scene from Ghostbusters. We also see cameos from other reviewers: Welshy's hat is changed, Diamanda Hagan's sandwich gets replaced by a hand (which she continues to eat), Rap Critic's toothbrush is replaced with a twig, Handsome Tom's desk is moved to the other side of his room, and Suede's sword is replaced with a stuffed toy. The Critic and NChick start to notice the orbs outside his living room window as they come crashing through, knocking them down.''

NC: (From the floor, he holds up his phone - the only part of him in the shot) That's it! I've had enough. (Presses a button on his phone)

''Film Brain is suddenly teleported out of his home via a Star Trek beaming device. Mechakara starts to leave Linkara's home as police sirens are heard.''

Phelous: (holding a vial of blood) Now that I got that stupid horror review out of the way, I can get back to what I normally work on: The cure for cancer!

JewWario is teleported while playing a Nintendo game.

Phelous: Almost done, but if I get interrupted, I'm never finishing... (he gets teleported)

SadPanda: (being teleported from his computer; he sounds "happy") Oh, fantastic.

Cut to Linkara's apartment as we hear a knock from outside.

Voice: Police!

''Mechakara is teleported. Critic and NChick stand up as the reviewers are teleported to his location including: Paw and JewWario, then Joe and Marzgurl. They're followed by Todd in the Shadows, which NChick smiles at, followed by Obscurus Lupa, which Todd smiles at and NChick groans at. They're followed by: SadPanda, Phelous, Film Brain, Mechakara, CR!, and 8-Bit Mickey. They don't look very happy (except for Film Brain of course)''

NC: (hesitantly) Hello again.

Cut to Terl's ship, where he kneels before The Executor.

Terl: We have Spoony.

Executor: Excellent. And we have also successfully tested our new weapon.

Terl: And it reached Earth?

Executor: With impeccable accuracy. Oh, it will take a while to regenerate for a second use, but everything is going exactly as I have foreseen.

Terl: Nothing can stop us!

Executor: Yes. You would need a bizarre combination of reviewers, nerds, gamers, and internet personalities to defeat us now.

Terl: And 8-Bit Mickey!

''Cut back to the Critic and his band of "reviewers, nerds, gamers, internet personalities, and 8-Bit Mickey." Naturally, they don't look too convinced. Mechakara, in particular, looks very impatient.''

NC: So, as you can see, this is bigger than we've ever tackled before. It's not only threatening us. It's also threatening our dead people that we've thrown into space in oatmeal cans. This is big. Now, I know I've never asked anything of you guys before...

Silence.

Todd: Did he really just say that?

NC: But we have to come together and make things right. Now, Spoony seems to be the major link here. Where is he?

Snob, Luke, and Sage enter.

Snob: In Federal Custody.

NC: Federal Custody? Well, where the hell were you?

Snob: In Federal Custody!

NC: Damn. He must be somewhere where we can't track him.

Cut to a house basement where Spoony is being taken by Prick and his men.

Spoony: Wait! What's going on?

Prick: We're putting you into cardboard freeze.

Spoony: Isn't that just another term for putting me in a cardboard box?

Prick: Lower him in.

Spoony: Wait, no! Ah! (and in he goes; from inside the cardboard box:) Wait, I don't have a Wookie to soothe or a hot princess to kiss!

Prick: (To Agent 1) You, inform General Terl he has his prize. (he leaves; to Agent 2) And you, follow me. We have a critic to crush. (They leave)

Back to the Critic.

NC: All right, then we have no time to lose. We have to go save him. Let's do it.

Lupa: Uh, no offense- actually, a lot of offense- Why the hell should we trust you?

NC: Oh, come on. When have I ever lied to any of you guys?

JesuOtaku suddenly enters.

JO: Oh my God, you guys! I won a car! (She's suddenly disappointed to see everyone, and everyone looks at her the same way) ...I don't check my mail that often.

NC: (after a long pause) Cinema Snob, fill her in.

Snob: (to JO) All right, you're gonna love this...

NC: OK, I lied a few times. And I know I've made a few mistakes in the past...

8-Bit Mickey: Thousands.

NC: And sometimes I've lead you into danger...

Phelous: Always.

NC: But at least I had the best intentions in mind...

JewWario: Yours!

NC: And things have always turned out OK.

Everyone but Mechakara: NEVER!

NC: But this isn't about me this time, all right?! It's about Spoony! And Ma-Ti! And whatever it is out there that's turning our world upside down! Something is going on out there. Ma-Ti is alive. And for once in our lives, for once in MY life, I actually have a chance to account for one of my mistakes. I have a chance to actually do something right. Please. I'm-I'm beggin' ya here.

JO: Well, it would be good of us to help out our fellow reviewer, but maybe I'm still riding the high of winning that car.

Everyone: Yeah.

SadPanda: And if the world goes down the bidet, there will be no one left to watch our reviews.

Everyone: Yeah.

Sage: And then there will be no one left to criticize!

Everyone: Yeah.

Film Brain: And then we won't get paid!

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: That's the selfish spirit! Linkara, what do you say?

Mechakara: Risk Assessment Analysis indicates the probability of your success to be minimal, ensuring your failure and my victory.

Everyone stares for a moment or two...

Everyone: ...YEAH!!!

NC: All right, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna fight science-fiction with science ... science! Only those two doctors who were analyzing Spoony can tell us what's going on. Where are they?

Snob: Um, yeah. About that.

Sage: They kinda got themselves arrested...

Snob: ...by assaulting a federal agent...

Sage: ...and a cop...

Snob: ...who they stole his gun from...

Sage: ...and used it against him...

Snob: ...to steal a squad car...

Sage: ...in exchange for...

Snob: ...an ice cream truck...

Sage: ...and high-tailed for Tijuana...

Snob: ...where they were picked up by the Mexican Federales...

Sage: ...dressed as nuns.

Snob: They're gonna be gone for a long time.

NC: Boy, that's quite a routine you worked out there!

Snob: Thanks.

Sage: We worked on it in the car.

Luke: You did awesome.

Phelous: Well, that's just great. Anyone else know a scientist batshit crazy enough to know what's going on?

Film Brain: Wait, Critic. Where'd you get the beaming device? The one that brought us here?

NC: Oh, I stole it.

MarzGurl: From who?

The Critic thinks for a moment before we cut to our culprit in his lab (with bubbling sound effects).

Dr. Insano: So, the critics have come home to roost, eh? But what makes you think I want to help any of you in any way?!?

NC: (on the phone from his computer) Oh, come on, Insano. You know just as well as I do your ass is on the line. If we don't stop this thing, it's gonna be anarchy and chaos. The world's gonna be turned upside-down.

Insano: Precisely, which will make it all the more easy for me to take over!

Lupa: Or it could turn you into a hippo's ballsack.

Insano: Good point... Very well! There's only one explanation for what's going on here, and I think I've figured it out.

Joe: Good. So what's with all these anomalies then?

Insano: The answer is quite clear. We're dealing with... (dramatic turn) a Plot Hole!

Everyone: ...A Plot Hole? (note how NChick is constantly rubbing Todd's arm and fawning at him the whole time)

NC: What do you mean, a Plot Hole?

Insano: I'm talking about a portal that shoots out nothing but inconsistencies and mistakes. (Turns on a projector, and everyone turns around to see what it projects: the space anomaly we're now familiar with and a "Plot Hole" caption underneath it) Right is wrong! Wrong is right! Forwards is backwards, and backwards is forwards! It's a gateway to madness, and it's out of control. (cut to NC intently pondering what Insano's saying) Any outcome could occur, and anything that was impossible before is possible now.

Paw: But what started this Plot Hole?

The slideslow shows the battle between Ma-Ti and Malachite.

Insano: Well, you see... when Ma-Ti's ring collided with Malachite's Hand, the resulting explosion ripped a hole in the Space Story Arc Continuum (Shows a hole on a map of stars with several circles around saying "bad", as if it was drawn by a toddler), thus filling the Story Arc with all these little pockets of chaos.

Sage: Well, that's why we wouldn't notice all the PAINFULLY OBVIOUS inconsistencies around us. (turns to Mechakara standing behind him) Isn't that right, Linkara?

Mechakara: Indeed. (Sage turns back ahead and smiles)

Insano: (turning off the projector) Yes. It also explains why Spoony could transform into me in Kickassia, even though we're obviously two completely different people!

JewWario: But wait- That was in the past...

Insano: Oh, Jew-Luigi, once again, you're not thinking fourth-dimensionally. Time isn't a straight line. It's more like a David Lynch movie: a wondering, meandering thing that goes in all directions. And if you're very lucky, by the end, you'll see some boobies and maybe some little people.

NC: Dr. Insano. What is inside the Plot Hole? What is through the gateway of madness?

Insano: I don't know. But what I do know is: if it isn't stopped soon, all logic and consistency will go right out the window. The world will be turned on its head, never able to recover. All will be lost.

Todd: (with NChick rubbing his chest) Insano, we don't have a lot of equipment on our side... (Puts her hand down) Is there any chance we can borrow some of yours? (her hand returns to before)

Insano: Heh! You delinquents already stole from me one time, and trust me when I say it will NEVER happen again!

Phelous motions to SadPanda, who walks up to Insano.

SadPanda: Dr. Insano, I'm curious. What does any of this have to do with Ma-Ti and Spoony? And please, give the explanation that would make you talk the longest. (He snaps his fingers, and everyone behind him - save for Mechakara - starts grabbing equipment)

Insano: Well, that is one of the great mysteries, isn't it? I dare say the greatest and most important mystery that remains to be solved. (Finds an erase board with a mathematical equation ending with "CERTAIN DEATH!") Nobody knows what joins these three seemingly separate things. But figure out how Ma-Ti, Spoony, and the Plot Hole are connected, and you may very well save the human race. Fail... (dramatic pause) and it will be your doom. So, are there any other questions I can help... (Sees everyone and everything gone) '''Oh, son-of-a-bitch! '''This is why I need mad scientist insurance. He even took the novelty slot machine! Who does that?

''Cut to the reviewers putting together their spaceship: tinkering with the gadgets, MarzGurl straightening a plaque that reads: "USS EXIT STRATEGY To Boldly Flee Where No Man Has Fled Before", Sage puts a beer in a mini-fridge, Critic and Paw working on his commander's chair, etc. Panda just nods approvingly. They then marvel at their finished product, The USS Exit Strategy (which is the Critic's house with rocket thrusters jutting out.'')

NC: Beautiful. Isn't it, SadPanda?

SadPanda: It makes me vomitous with loathing.

NC: Thanks for sharing. All right, let's get moving, people-

Paw: Wait. Wait. Wait. If we're going into space, I need a proper attire. (Takes off his headphones and puts on another set of headphones with large Vulcan ears attached)

NC: You're such a geek!

Paw: I find that illogical.

NC: And that's why you're undateable. All right, let's get moving, people. (Sits in his command chair) By God, with a ship in my command and a crew to dispose of...

MarzGurl: Don't you mean "at your disposal?"

NC: Sure. Nothing can stop us!

Except for some approaching cars that we see in the Critic's driveway.

NC: Engineering, how we doing down there?

Cut to the engineering bay, where CR!, Joe, and NChick are.

CR: The adaptive interface link is online, the impulse power is nominal, and the gravitronic positronic generator is about to reach its peak.

NC: ...What?

CR: We can go in about 5 minutes.

NC: All right, (claps his hands and rubs them) let's get ready to launch!

Marzgurl: Uh, Critic. There appears to be some very angry men approaching from outside.

NC: Jehovah's Witnesses?

Marzgurl: Angrier.

NC: (sees Prick and his men on the scanner as it reads "Douches Detected" - they're right outside NC's front door) Crap, we're not ready to go yet. Mickey, stall them!

Zoom in on 8-Bit Mickey and his mustache before cutting to Prick and his men.

Prick: (a la Peck again) Knock this down. Knock this all down.

Agent 2 (Ed Glaser): We can't. We don't have a battering ram.

Prick: Use your foot.

Agent 2: In these shoes? These are Johnson and Murphy Venetians.

Prick: I don't give a shit if you're wearing Jimmy-Fucking-Choos!

Agent 2: You really should have called a SWAT team.

Prick: Check the back. (the other two leave as Prick continues knocking)

''The reviewers do some last minute checking as the agents approach the back door. 8-Bit Mickey is there to greet them, dressed in a black suit like them.''

8-Bit Mickey: I'm sorry, gentlemen. This area is off limits.

Agent 2: Says who?

Mickey: Section 6.

Agent 1 (Greg Michaud): Wait. We're Section 6.

Mickey: Then you should know.

Agent 2: What district are you from?

Mickey: District ... 9.

Agent 1: That's a movie.

Mickey: 12.

Agent 1: That's Zimbabwe!

Mickey: So?

Agent 2: So you're a white man with an Italian Jew-fro living in the African jungle?

Mickey: You racist?

Agent 1: Sir, get out of the way.

Mickey: Look, look, gentlemen. (Reaches into his suit pocket) All your questions will be answered if you look right here (Points at what looks like a MIB neurolyzer and turns it on, but it's really a...)

Agent 1: That's a vibrator.

Mickey: (punches both of them with it) Goat fuckers! (Prick jumps in, pointing his gun at him) Thaaaat's a gun.

Prick: We're here to shut you down, munchkin!

Mickey: (stung) I'm sorry. What did you just call me?

Prick: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't hear me all the way down there, can you, little fella?

Mickey: (removing his sunglasses) That's a height joke. I wouldn't go for the height jokes.

Prick: Oh, someone insecure about his height? Perhaps I should get you a booster seat and a Happy Meal.

Mickey: (getting angry) I really wouldn't be saying such things... if I were you.

Prick: Maybe.... just maybe... you should talk to the hand (which he holds up) ...'cause the head all the way up here can't hear you ... Shorty!

Mickey gets progressively twitchy before cutting to the Critic, who's bored.

NC: The hell is taking him so long?

Mickey: OK... (Enters with blood all over him and holding a decapitated hand; everyone in the room looks shocked) So, apparently, Spoony is not on Earth. He's on a hidden base somewhere on Europa. I think, that's the last thing Prick's head said before I shoved it into a weed whacker. Anyhoo, we should be able to catch him if we leave now, so let's go. (he leaves; NC is still speechless)

Snob: (To NC) Looks like somebody called him short again. (NC nods)

Paw: Mickaaay! Good one, man. (Mickey high-fives him with Prick's hand; here we notice "Help Me" written in blood on the back of Mickey's shirt) Dah! (Throws the hand away)

NC: (presses a button on the chair) Engineering, let's get going.

CR: (To Joe) Give me a 150 M's and prepare for warp boost.

Joe: Aye-Aye. (Puts a Super Mario Mushroom into the engine; we hear the sound effect of Mario growing larger. We then see the ship's power display show 150 CCs of power)

NChick: But Critic, won't this violate your house arrest?

NC: Why? I'm not leaving the house. JewWario, take us out.

JewWario: Aye Sir! (he holds up a Nintendo Wii steering wheel and begins to "steer")

The Strategy lifts up off the ground into the sky and blasts off to the tune of "Reach for the Stars" by Richard Harvey.

NC: (leans forward in his "best" James T. Kirk impression) Set a course for Europa.

''The Strategy manages to get into space. We cut to Terl's ship.''

Henchman 1: Uh, sir. The Critic is no longer in Earth's atmosphere.

Terl: What? Impossible! Where is Prick? Put him on screen. (He and the two henchmen look up at the screen to see Prick... or what's left of him. Luckily, we don't. Everyone promptly groans)

Everyone: Oh! God!

Terl: Turn it off! Turn it off!

Henchman 2: Oh, Jesus! No!

Henchman 1: Where on Earth was his nose?

Terl: Those critics are monsters! Everybody to your panels. (He turns around, addressing his henchmen, as we see his giant view screen behind him) Keep your eyes on every single one of Earth's radars. He is not going to escape me this time, you hear? Nothing gets past my cunning eye! (Except the Exit Strategy that flies right behind his back) You hear me? Not one blasted thing, Critic! (The Exit Strategy hits warp speed and leaves... THEN Terl turns around and sees nothing. A long pause - he knows he's whipped) ...Right! What else could go wrong?

Henchman 1: Sir, the Executor would like to speak with you.

Cut to a grumpy Executor and a nervous Terl, who tries to stop his hand from trembling.

Executor: Critic's gone?

Terl: (tepidly) Mmm-hmm.

Executor: Prick dead?

Terl: (quickly) Well, not uh- yeah.

Executor: You pissing yourself with fear?

Terl: (squeaking) Definitely!

Executor: You have failed me for the last time, Terl!

Terl: Well, now if we're doing Empire, that's definitely my line..

Executor: Thus, I am sending you a new master. One that will keep you on... schedule.

Terl: My Lord?

''The pod bay door opens revealing... General Zod, who enters in slow-motion.''

Terl: Pray, who the devil are you?

Zod: KNEEEEEEEL!!! (with the now-familiar hand gesture)

Terl: Oh dear, he's foreign. Hello, Neil! Nice to meet you. (imitates Zod's hand motion)

To Be Continued.

 Part 3

''The screen is black as we see flash cuts of a diagram of some contraption in blue before we cut to moving through the stars. The Gort Robot suddenly appears in a dream-like state.''

Robot: SEE THE DREAM. BUILD THE DREAM.

''Cut to CR in Engineering who appears to have been daydreaming. Startled, he turns around to see Film Brain and Lupa working. Nostalgia Chick walks by them, suddenly bumping into Lupa.''

NChick: (bored sounding) Sorry, whore!

''CR leaves after a few seconds, still unsure of what's happened to him, and we cut to him at a desk sketching out the "dream" device. A sleepy JesuOtaku enters.''

JO: Oh. Oh, hey!

CR: Oh, hey, JO. What are you doing up here?

JO: Um, I was looking to get some more pens. Uh, what are you doing up here?

CR: I-I don't know. I just had this oddly specific daydream. I had to get it all down on paper. It was almost like a voice was...

JO: (interrupting him) ...talking to you?

CR: (chuckling) Yeah, and it was giving me blueprints on building...

JO: ...building a machine.

NOTE: this next bit is done with quick editing.

CR: (concerned) ...But...

JO: ...you...

CR: ...only...

JO: ...got...

CR: ...half...

JO: ... ...of...

CR: ...it?

JO: ...Does your half look like my half?

''She hands him a sketch of half the machine that she's been holding onto for some reason. He puts his half together with hers, and they fit perfectly.''

CR: You had the same dream.

JO: Yeah.

CR: How can we both have the same dream?

''They both look deeply concerned as they look back at their drawing. Cut to a static transition to Paw on video, entitled Pawavision - yes, this IS the Panavision camera logo, just SLIGHTLY changed.''

Paw: Hey, everybody. Paw here. I figure as long as we're going to the outskirts of the universe to fight evil that might possibly destroy all of humanity, I might as well make a V-Log about it. Anyway, like I said, my name is Paw, the most logical member here (points to his Vulcan ears), and, uh, we found the Nostalgia Critic, who's still trying to get his ankle bracelet off.

''He zooms in on NC sitting in a chair with Phelous holding his leg in one hand and a saw in the other. JewWario and Film Brain watch.''

NC: All right. Are you sure this isn't going to hurt?

Phelous: Oh, of course not.

NC: 'Cause it looks like it's gonna hurt!

Phelous: Oh, no. It'll be like ripping off a band-aid...with a saw.

NC flinches as Phelous is about to cut until...

JewWario: Wait a second. I think I have a better idea.

Video footage cuts to NC's ankle bracelet being teleported off with the beaming device.

NC: Hmm. Nice.

Phelous: (dejected) Ah, I can still cut your foot off, right?

CR: Huh. That was easy enough. But I can't quite tell where it went to...

''Film Brain groans as the camera moves on him. He farts out the ankle bracelet, which disgusts both him and JewWario.''

Paw: (To JewWario) Hey, uh, that was pretty good thinking.

JewWario: Oh, well, thank you very much! I've been learning all sorts of sci-fi details. Well, you know, I figured that since I'm the ship's navigator, I'd learn from the expert.

Paw: Buzz Aldrin?

JewWario: No- (Pulls out a book) The "Tao Ta Kei." (the book is subtitled: The Only Way To Be Takei) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on Chapter 3: "Loving Your Joystick." (He opens and finds something intriguing, like it's a Playboy centerfold. Phelous and Film Brain look on, both bug-eyed. J-Dub says with his best George Takei impression:) Oh my!

Static transition to Snob and Luke.

Paw: Well, as you can see, Cinema Snob has been teaching Luke the ways of the Z-Grade movie reviewer.

Snob: Yes. You see, Luke, there's one secret to making any low-budget film tolerable.

Luke: Clever writing?

Snob: Tits! Take this for instance. This is a little project I've been working on. (Snob shows Luke a book filled with... well, let's let Luke describe it:)

Luke: Oh, those look like zombies ...dressed in Confederate uniforms ... fighting women in bikinis.

Snob: It's a period piece. I need a little something to fall back on once reviewing... takes its course.

Luke: (concerned) What do you mean?

Snob: Well...

As Snob is about to explain, Mechakara walks by them both, muttering to himself.

Paw: Oh, hey, hey, hey. It's everyone's favorite comic book reviewer. (Mechakara slowly turns to Paw's camera) Oh, come on, Linkara. Say something crazy, like this is all like a really bad comic book.

Mechakara: Death is only a shadow of what awaits you. (he walks away)

Paw: Ha ha. Always a funny guy.

''Static transition to CR and JO on a bed working on the "dream" device, or "plot device" as dubbed by a fan. CR is also wearing a Geordi LaForge-like visor on his eyes.''

Paw: And here's CR and JesuOtaku! (they do a quick wave) Hey, what are you guys working on?

JO: Uh, well, we both had the same dream like someone was telling us to build something, so we decided to... literally start building it.

Paw: Really? You both had the same dream?

CR: (he lifts up the visor, but he's still wearing his glasses underneath) Um, yeah. It was mostly just visions of blueprints and, uh, some sort of low-incoherent voice.

JO: Uh, yeah. It was like being stuck in shop class with William Hurt.

CR: Yeah.

Paw: So, uh, what will this thing do? (reaches for the machine)

CR: (swats Paw's hand away) Well, we don't know. We think it's supposed to either read or manipulate brain waves, but, as you see, we're still putting it together.

JO: Yeah, uh, it's kinda funny 'cause I'm not really good with all this technical...

''There is a suddenly burst as the camera shakes. Paw puts the camera back on JO, who is now dressed as Radical Edward from ''Cowboy Bebop.

Paw: JO? You OK?

JO: (hyperactive) Edward is fine, thank you!

Mambo music starts playing; this is pretty familiar music, but I don't know the exact song title. HELP!

Paw: Edward?

JO: Why are we just focusing on one project when we can be working on several? I'm gonna make an engine that not only works on water but also replicates it into 32 different flavors!

CR: JO? Are you OK?

JO: (taking CR's visor and zaps it a few times with her... whatever it is she normally carries with her; imitating said device:) Peew! Peew! Peew! (she then the visor back to CR)

CR: (putting the visor back on) Holy smokes! I can see so much better with these. It's like I can see right through the wall that- (is a bit taken aback) 8-Bit Mickey's watching My Little Pony?

Mickey: (offscreen from the next room) And damn proud I am!

JO: Oh, cold fusion. (as she zaps another machine part four times) You are easy, peasy, lemon-squeezie. Ha ha ha ha!

''CR incredulously looks at her. Cut to Terl's ship floating in space.''

Zod: (vo) The critics are quite adept. (cut to inside the ship as Zod looks around at the screen in front of him; Terl is behind him) Their homeowner strategy obviously puts them at quite a distinct advantage. Yes! We must fight fire with fire! (he turns around to address Terl) Terl, order your men to transform this vessel into a house!

Terl: A what?

Zod: A house. A fortress of solitude mighty enough to make the son of Jor-El cream his tights.

Terl: But why?

Zod: The critics got it right. They must make their work their home and their home their work. Transform this place at once.

Terl: But that would take hundreds of hours and manpower we don't have.

Zod: Nonsense. It can be accomplished with a simple George Lucas-style wipe. Observe!

The scene does a "Lucas-style" circle wipe into the duo in their new living room/ship, as they look around.

Terl: Wow! That was amazing!

Zod: Indeed.

Terl: I especially like the plant in the corner. (They look left as we cut to the houseplant in question)

Zod: (v/o) Yes. It really ties the room together.

Terl: But we still aren't any closer to catching the critics!

Zod: I am working on a plan even as we speak.

Terl: Ha ha ha. Well, while you were busy working on your plan, I've already set mine into motion.

Zod: Oh, and what plan is this, Chia-Head?

Terl: Well, General Crud, while you were off playing Martha Stewart, I've been busy inserting a traitor into the Critic's ranks.

Zod: Traitor? You used your brain. (Terl smiles boastingly) And just who is this traitor?

Terl: Oh, I won't tell you who the traitor is or when he'll attack, but he's close. REAL CLOSE! The Critic will DIE before these eyes and he'll know, HE'LL KNOW that it is I, General Ferdinand Von Terl, who encompasses his doom!! Ha ha ha ha ha! (Zod holds in a chuckle) Ha ha ha ha ha! (cut back to Terl; after a long pause...) What's so funny?

Zod: Ferdinand? Your name is Ferdinand?

Terl: Yes! It's a proud name. One that commands respect.

Zod: (laughing) Maybe in a flower shop.

Terl: Shut up!

Zod: (girly voice) "Oh, could you help me with my bouquet, Ferdinand?"

Terl: Shut up!

Zod: (girly voice) "Oh, everyone, could you please flee? Flee in terror from the terrifying Ferdinand!" (starts to crack up)

Terl: (pissed off, he leaves the room) I HATE THIS TEAM-UP!

Zod: (reaching for his smart phone) Oh, I am totally tweeting that!

''Cut to the Exit Strategy moving through space before we cut inside to the ship's bridge. Everyone is asleep on the floor with the Critic sleeping in his command chair. He adjusts himself and hits the right arm rest.''

Computer: Oxygen disabled. (Critic adjusts himself again and hits the left arm rest) Oxygen enabled. (and again, the right side) Oxygen disabled. (...and again, after a pause, the left side) Oxygen enabled.

''Cut to Todd sleeping next to Lupa. He sits up to talk to her.''

Todd: Uh, OK, Lupa. (she opens her eyes and looks ahead, not back at Todd yet) I think it's time I tell you something I've been keeping a secret for a while: I'm madly in love with you.

Lupa: (sarcastically) NO!

Todd: Yeah, I know. I know I've hidden it well, but I think it's time I let you know how I feel.

Lupa: Well, that's good.

Silence.

Todd: So, um, will you go on a date with me?

Lupa: Well, you know, Todd, that's kind of a tough question to think about.

Todd: Well, if you need time to think about-

Lupa: No.

Todd: ...Well, that was quick.

Lupa: (she sits up and looks at him face-to-mask) Look. I'm sorry, Todd. I-I just wouldn't feel right seeing someone who hides his face.

Todd: Oh.

Lupa: It's just... well, you know, it's hard to feel secure with someone who's insecure about himself. You know what I mean?

Todd: (obviously feeling broken-hearted) Yeah, I guess so. Sorry I woke you.

Lupa: Really, I'm sorry-

Todd: Good night, Lupa.

''He lies back down, as does she. As he tries to settle in, NChick suddenly lies down next to Todd.''

NChick: I, on the other hand, totally respect your need to hide your poor broken soul.

Todd: What?

NChick: You just need someone to help you lower your defenses. (she starts caressing his hoodie) Someone to understand you. Someone who loves a project. Mystery is sexy- (she grabs the hoodie as if she wants a kiss) Oh, God! Let me fix you.

Todd: (holding her back) Look. I'm flattered. Maybe even a little creeped out, but it's just a phase.

NChick: A phase?

Todd: You don't really like me. You just wanna know what I look like.

NChick: You know what? I will prove to you that I love you more than any woman ever has or ever will, or, by God, I will kill in the process!

''She gets up and leaves. 8-Bit Mickey suddenly lies down next to Todd.''

Mickey: Look, Zorro. Can you take your love triangle outside?

Todd: Outside is a cold, heartless vacuum.

Mickey: Yeah, and so is Lupa. (they both head back to sleep)

NChick moves past NC, who lets his arm fall on a panel.

Computer: Now deploying all food rations.

We pan down to Snob and Luke next to each other.

Luke: Hey, Snob.

Snob: Yeah?

Luke: I was thinking about what you told Paw. You know, about the future. You really think our time is at its end?

Snob: The world is changing, kid. The internet is changing. Even if we survive this witch hunt, we can't chase the Zeitgeist forever.

Luke: Yeah, I guess. But we're critics, right? I mean, the world always needs critics

Snob: People say that, but, in the end, they'll go see whatever stupid crap that gets put out. Look at Michael Bay.

Luke: Sure, he's got his millions. Big deal. We've got something better.

Snob: What's that?

Luke: A family. (Snob gives him a strange look) A very dysfunctional family, but ... look at it this way. There are thousands of people all around the world united by a few ethernet cables, a keyboard, and a hatred for Michael Bay. That's a beautiful thing.

Snob: I suppose. He is a douchebag.

Luke: Snob. Promise me something.

Snob: (looks over at Luke) Yeah?

Luke: Don't let it end. Not like this. We have a right to bitch and moan like anyone else.

Snob: True, true. I'll tell you what: you get my back, and I'll get yours. (extends out his hand).

Luke (shakes his hand) Deal.

JewWario: (leering at them) Oh, that is so Takei. (Goes back to reading that book again)

''We cut to another spacecraft flying through hyperspace. It is being piloted by the Gort Robot. He sees his computer say: "Target Acquired. Destination: Europa" Hmm... ''

''Cut to NChick at her computer. Film Brain enters, groggily.''

FB: Hey, Nostalgia Chick- Are you chewing coffee?

NChick: (she does indeed have a cup of grounds on the table and a spoonful in her hand; she looks back at FB) Hmm? Oh, um, (looks back at her laptop) I was just up all night writing a very heart-felt emotional email to, um, Todd.

FB: (looks a bit taken aback) It's over 3 gigabytes!

NChick: Yeah, I'm having a really hard time sending it over this crappy internet connection.

JO: (popping up, still as Edward) That's because Linkara was using the bandwidth all night long, hogging it like a bee! (she skips around, snorting like a pig) Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. (she leaves)

NChick: We'll see about that. (she pushes Film Brain aside as she heads to the Internet room. Cut to the outside where she pounds on the door) Hey, Linkara! Stop hogging all the bandwidth! Some of us have things to obsess over...

''She sees an extension cord coming from the door. She enters in the room and finds it going under the bed. As she stands on one side of the bed, Mechakara pops up on the other side. He's talking on an intercom, holding Malachite's hand.''

Mechakara: All right. I have it here. Now tell me the secret of its power.

Terl: (vo, on the other end) Not yet. Lay low for now, and when the time is right, STRIKE! And then the galaxy will know the fearsome name of Ferdinand Von Terl!

NChick: (quietly) Ferdinand?

''Mechakara spots her saying this. She does a quick wave and runs for the door, but he closes the door and block her way. He holds up a drill as she looks terrified. Cut to outside the room again.''

Film Brain: (knocking on the door) Nostalgia Chick. Linkara. You know there's a meeting downstairs and... (There are mechanical sounds and NChick screaming as the lights flicker. FB looks disgusted) I'm gonna leave you two alone. (and he does)

Cut to everyone in the basement: Snob and Luke continue gawking over Snob's 'period piece', Paw is bopping away on his headphones, Edward Otaku is still acting giddy, ...and the Critic is growing bored.

NC: What the hell is taking them so long?

A shocked-looking Film Brain enters and stands next to SadPanda.

SadPanda: Film Brain. You look like you heard two people having sex.

FB: How would you know?

SadPanda: I'm French. We know.

NC: (to FB) Well, are they coming?

FB: Well, that's a loaded question.

NC: What?

FB: Oh, nothing. They're getting busy- KEEPING busy with heterosexual- EXTRACURRICULAR ass-tivities- ACTIVITIES!

NC: (looks over weirdly) Whatever. I'm just making sure we all know what the plan is before we start going in.

Mickey: Yeah, get to Europa, save Spoony, see what's up the hole, then have a sexy dance party.

NC: I don't recall a sexy dance party.

Mickey: Are you saying we don't need a sexy dance party?

NC: Well, I didn't say that, but...

NChick: (offscreen with a now mechanized voice) Apologies. (Everyone looks over to the stairwell. We zoom in to see her now dressed as Seven of Nine from Star Trek Voyager; Mechakara is with her) We were distracted.

NC: It's about time. Where were you?

Mechakara: Counting the approximately four hundred and twenty five point six two billion stars that comprise this galaxy.

Lupa looks suspicious.

NChick: And using that number to estimate the travel time to Jupiter.

Joe: (to Sage) Dude, they were so doin' it. (Sage nods)

NC: Fine. Lupa, fill them in. The rest of you, back to your posts.

Everyone leaves.

JO: Look, everybody! I built a thermal detonator!

Sage: Oh, goody! Let's play!

JO: Go long, Bennett! (she goes to throw the device to Sage)

There is a small explosion off-screen as Lupa approaches NChick.

Lupa: All right, uh, Nostalgia Chick, we need to...

NChick: The carbon unit known as Nostalgia Chick is now void. I am Seven of Eleven.

Lupa: (long pause) Okay... All right, the plan is that we approach...

''She and Mechakara leave. Lupa looks on, as J-Dub enters.''

JewWario: Everything OK?

Lupa: Does something seem strange about those two?

JewWario: Pfft. It's just the after-glow. Just bask in their shimmering hormones. Mmmm....

Cut to Terl's house ship.

Henchman: General. The Critic's ship is about to reach Europa.

Terl: Excellent! Set a course for-

Zod: (quickly interrupting) Set a course for the Jovian Moon.

Terl: What are you doing?

Zod: My ship, my rules.

Terl: It was my ship before you turned it into Better Homes and Gardens.

Zod: Go to Yellow Alert.

Terl: No. That's too soft. Go to Magenta Alert.

Zod: There's no such thing as Magenta Alert!

Terl: Yes, there is. It's a like an Orange Alert, but not quite a Red Alert.

Zod: Is there an alert for an annoying anus who won't shut the hell up?

Terl: Yes, it's called a Your Face Alert!

Zod smacks him; then Terl twists Zod's nipples, which prompts Terl to scream before they start bitch-slapping each other..

Terl: Ow! Watch the neck beard. (cut to the henchmen looking embarrassed) Stop it! Not so rough!

The Exit Strategy approaches Jupiter, with the appropriately placed piece "The Planets - Jupiter" by Gustav Holst playing.

NC: (looking at his ship's screen with Sage leaning in) There it is. Planet Jupiter. And behind it: Europa.

Marzgurl: (she leans in) Actually, that's Europa, and Jupiter is behind IT. ...You did go to school, right?

Mickey: Uh, Captain. I'm picking up life signs all over the planet.

NC: But that's impossible. Europa is an icy moon with an iron core. It always has been since its discovery by Galileo in 1610. (Turns to Marzgurl to flick his thumb behind his teeth to boast)

Mickey: Well, that's what the scanner says.

Paw: Wicked fascinating!

Mickey: I've also located the base where they're most likely holding Spoony.

Sage: Captain. As ship's counselor, I must warn you: I'm sensing hostility from that moon.

NC: OK. First of all, just because you hung out for more than two seconds with those scientists on Earth doesn't make you ship's counselor. Second, being ship's counselor doesn't give you psychic powers like Counselor Troi.

Sage: Don't doubt my powers! I'm sensing cynicism.

NC: All right. If you're so psychic, why don't you go down to the moon and locate Spoony with your "psychic" powers?

Sage: (suddenly worried) I'm sensing that's a bad idea.

NC: Get down there, Dionne Warwick. You too, SadPanda. You said you're a doctor of some sort.

SadPanda: Actually, I just said I watch Doctor Who a lot.

NC: It'll have to do. (Standing up) I, of course, will lead the away team with...

Phelous: (comes over, getting angry - when is he not?) Oh, no, you don't, Critic! Not this time!

NC: What do you mean?

Phelous: I'm sick of playing second banana to you!

NC: You wanna do what to my banana?

Phelous: Kickassia. The quest for the gauntlet. I'm sick of it! This time, I'm in charge.

Paw: (coming over and putting his hand on Phelous' shoulder) Uh, buddy. I don't think that's such a good idea...

Phelous: Why not?

Paw: Well, look at what you're wearing. (Phelous is wearing his usual red polo shirt)

Phelous: Yeah, so?

Paw: Well, it's just... the guys in the red shirts, they tend... to be...

Phelous: To be Captain, yeah!

Paw: Well, maybe in Next Gen, but in the old series-

Phelous: Oh, SHUT UP, Wesley! Now, as Lord Commander High Crown Captain, I'm demoting you all to petty officers. Any problem with that?

NC: (after a long pause, he scoffs) It's your funeral, Captain Canuck.

Phelous: All right, now I'm in charge. Panda, Sage, you're with me. (he walks off to, I assume, Engineering to be teleported; Sage and Panda follow)

Paw: Did that fucker just call me Wesley?

Cut to the aliens' control center.

Henchman: Sir, the critic reports have just reached Europa.

We pull back to see Zod pushing Terl's face into the couch.

Zod: Excellent! Go to Red Alert!

Terl: Magenta!

Zod: Shut it!

''Cut to the basement where Spoony's box is located. Phelous, Sage, and SadPanda teleport in. Sage is doing a Charlie's Angels pose, Phelous holds up his fists, and Panda, now dressed as the 11th Doctor, is covering his head.''

Phelous: All right, as your newly elected supreme squad commander, I say we split up. Now this may take a few hours...

Sage: Hey, uh, Phelous? (Whistles to motion to the box behind them)

Phelous: Huh. That works.

They shake the box, and Spoony falls out.

Sage: (putting his hand over Spoony's arm) I'm sensing very little life in him.

SadPanda: Stand back. I am apparently a doctor. (checks his pulse while touching Spoony's shoulder) He's dead.

Spoony twitches; the other three react.

Sage: I thought you said he was dead!

SadPanda: He's dead to me. As are you.

Sage: (sad) Oh...

Cut back to the Exit Strategy.

NC: Phelous, SadPanda, Sage: Come in.

Paw: Sir, we've lost contact.

NC: Ah, great.

Back to the basement.

Sage: Spoony. Spoony. Just relax. You've had shipping and handling sickness.

Spoony: (still a bit distraught) I can't see.

Sage: It's probably because your eyes are closed. (which they are)

Spoony: (opening his eyes) Oh, hey!

Sage: Are you OK?

Spoony: I don't know. My mind's been feeling really crowded lately.

Sage: You have Ma-Ti's character inside your brain.

Spoony: That red-blooded son-of-a-bitch! It's his revenge for all those impressions I did of him. (as Ma-Ti) Those were terrible impressions. (as himself) Shut up! (as Ma-Ti) You shut up! (as himself) Shut up!

''Sage looks at SadPanda, confused. Panda shrugs. Back to the Exit Strategy.''

Mickey: Captain, incoming ship. Apparently, it's another house.

NC: What? On screen.

''We see the exterior of another house floating in space. It's Zod and Terl in their mansion.''

To Be Continued.

Part 4

Back on the Exit Strategy.

NC: Paw, report!

Paw: Uh, three-bedroom, two-door garage, siding could use a little work...

NC: I mean who's on it?

Paw: Oh, um, yeah, um... (checking his scanner again)

Cut to Terl.

Henchman: Sir, the Critic's ship is requesting contact.

Terl: Let them eat static.

Back on the Exit Strategy.

Paw: Sir, all I'm getting is static.

NC: Go to Spoiler Alert!

(The siren for Spoiler Alert goes off. It also says "Plug Ears. Close Eyes")

Snob: Should I arm the photon red shells? (to Luke) It is so cool we have that.

Luke: Yeah!

NC: Not yet.

On the villians' ship.

Terl's henchman: They still haven't raised their shields, sir.

Terl: Of course. We are one big happy home-owners association. Ah, Critic, my old friend. Have you not heard the PsyClown proverb that says that revenge is a dish best served luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth? (Zod looks confused) Well, it's very luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth... (whispering) in spaaaaace! (Zod still looks confused) Oh, bite me. It's fun.

Cut to the basement, when Phelous and SadPanda put Spoony's arms on their shoulders as the guys prepare to leave.

Phelous: All right, let's get you out of here.

Voice: Ahem!

''They stop to see three of Terl's henchmen are holding guns. The other three look at Sage.''

Sage: (remembering) Oh, um. I'm sensing impending danger.

''Panda smacks his head. Back on the Exit Strategy, Mechakara looks at NChick/Seven of Eleven as she inconspicuously places her hand on a device. On the villians' vessel...''

Zod: Are you sure this is going to work?

Terl: You give these critics too much credit. They're not smart. They're just a pile of pop-culture referencing peons. Watch this.

On the Exit Strategy.

Paw: Sir, incoming transmission from the mystery house. They say they're fellow critics.

NC: What? From where?

Paw: From ... the Food Network?

NC: What?

''Cut to Terl and Zod. Zod is pressing his eyes, facepalming as Terl speaks.''

Terl: (with girly voice) Hello! This is Rachael Ray. Yummo! We were, um, out of sugar, and we were hoping we could borrow a cup of yours.

8-Bit Mickey: What are you doing in space?

Terl: (vo) Uh, it's a special crossover with, um... ...Oprah!

''Terl motions to Zod to play along. Zod is hesitant.''

Zod: (woman voice) Um, that's right, girlfriend. You win a car!

Marzgurl: (To NC) If we give them the sugar, we'll have to lower our shields.

Terl: (vo) Oh, come on. Lend us a cup, and I'll show you how to make a chocolate tart in 30 minutes.

JewWario: Ooh! That does sound good.

NC: Paw?

Paw: Scanning. Their sucrose levels are normal.

Mickey: I don't buy it.

Zod: (vo) Oh, just give us the sugar, you little shit, or I'll disembowel your goddamn guts and chew on it like a Soylent Snickers bar in Hannibal Lector's candy factory!

Paw: Well, that does sound like Oprah!

Mickey: Yeah, we better do what she says.

NC: All right. Put some sugar in the laser banks and fire it over.

Marzgurl: (clenched teeth) But then our lasers will be useless!

NC: (to Marzgurl) You want to mess with the queen of daytime talk? (back straight ahead) Lower our shields.

''Lupa continues to stare suspiciously at NChick. As NChick turns some dials on a device, Lupa motions to Joe.''

Lupa: Does that look suspicious to you?

Joe: Hmm. (Looks at Mechakara) Oh, no, he always wears that brown hat. (Lupa can't believe what she's heard)

Terl's henchman: Sir, they're lowering their shields.

Terl: Raise ours.

Mickey: Their shields are raising!

NC: That bitch! Fire red shell torpedoes.

Snob: I can't!

NC: What?

Snob: The torpedoes are down!

NC: Lasers.

Snob: You turned them into PIXIE STICKS!

NC: Raise shields!

Marzgurl: Too late.

Terl: FIRE!!!

''Their mansion fires lasers at the Exit Strategy, which carves into the outside panels. Everyone shakes around. Film Brain screams. JO is gleeful.''

Terl: Ah, ha ha! Stupid humans!

NC: Report!

Mickey: Weapons offline! (quickly looks at his panel, then back to NC) Shields are down! (and again) And we lost Dish Network!

NC: Damn!

Mickey: I know, I really wanted to see Game of Thrones, too.

NC: Cinema Snob, can we fire back?

Snob: Um, according to this red light that means "no", um... no.

NC: Engineering?

CR: (vo) This is CR. I'm not available right now because the engines exploded. Please leave a message at the blood-curdling scream. (screams)

NC: JewWario, you're the navigator! Do something!

JewWario: Well, if there's anything Nintendo has taught me, it's ... "Do a Barrel Roll!"

''He does so with everyone screaming. Once they stop rolling, NC points at J-Dub.''

NC: Don't do that again! Report!

Mickey: I'm nauseous, Captain. (collapses on the floor)

Paw: Sir. The enemy wishes to discuss the terms of our surrender.

Everyone looks concerned.

NC: (hesitantly) Onscreen. (Zod appears on screen; NC gets up from his chair and walks to the front of his screen) Zod!

Terl: (offscreen) No, no, no! (pushes Zod aside as he enters the picture) I told you before. This is my show. My show! (Zod is not amused throughout this whole scene)

NC: You?

Terl: So, Critic! You remember me. I can't help but feel touched.

NC: Tigger?

Terl: '''TERL!!! OH MY GOD!!!''' I JUST TALKED TO YOU A FEW DAYS AGO!!!

NC: Curl, what is the meaning of this attack?

Terl: Ha. Methinks the lady doth digest too much! Ha ha!

Zod: That's "protest," you moron! Your Shakespeare is terrible.

Terl: Shut it, Spandex!

NC: (sighs) What do you want?

Zod: We wish for you to beam aboard this vessel and face the wrath of Zod. (Terl bumps him) And Terl.

Terl: But mostly Terl!

NC: And if I refuse?

Terl: Then you can say goodbye to one of your friends down below.

NC: Ha, like they'd be stupid enough to...

Sage: (vo) Critic, uh. we (as soon as he speaks, NC grimaces; cut to Sage and the others) kinda sorta got ourselves captured. But don't worry, I'll use my psychic abilities to control them. (puts his hand out; one of the henchmen hits it with his gun) Ah!

NC: Listen, Wurl! You can't be serious.

Terl: Oh, but I am. And just to show you just how serious my intentions are, I will now kill one of the hostages.

NC: Wait. Don't you want to haggle?

Terl: Guard. Kill one of them. I don't care which.

''In the basement, one guard draws a knife. The other three back away from Phelous.''

Phelous: (sarcastic) Uh, yeah. I feel the love in this room! (the guard repeatedly stabs him with the others watching in horror the whole time as blood starts flying everywhere) Oh, ah! Ah! Ah! (as the guard starts to get up, Phelous coughs) Oh, why would you do that? (the guard returns and stabs him some more with him groaning and choking more) Oh, that hurts so MUCH! (the guard can't believe it, so more stabbing) Oh, COME ON- (the guard looks relieved) Oh, that wasn't so bad- Ow! Oh, I think I'll be all right, though. (even MORE stabbing as the others are now annoyed) Yeah. I'm dead. Go away. ...I shouldn't have said that, should I? (and STILL more of the same)

NC: Sage! SadPanda! Phelous! What's going on?

SadPanda: Sir, Phelous is... (another stab) thankfully dead.

NC backs away in horror and falls in front of his chair.

NC: You Psyclone bastard. You killed my flunky! Oh, you Psyclown bastards! You killed my flunky!

Phelous then stands next to NC on the ship.

Phelous: You were saying? (NC stands up)

NC: Phelous? What are you doin' here?

Phelous: I'm a red shirt: every time one dies, another one always comes back.

NC: Huh! That explains a lot actually.

Terl: There are other hostages, Critic! Some not so easy to resurrect. Do you want them to die, too?

NC: All right. All right. Just give me a minute to inform my crew.

Terl: I give you 60 seconds for you and your valiant crew.

Zod: Yeah, that's a minute!

Terl: "Yeah, that's a minute!" That's what you sound like, you know. (to NC) But never you mind! For whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dings and vowels against the Wheel of Fortune or to take arms against...

NC: Yeah, cut off his audio.

Terl: ...Jeopardy- (He is put on mute)

Mickey: Well, you heard the man. Get over there, buddy.

NC: (Snob and Marzgurl grab him) Hey, hey, hey. (he shakes them off) We're not doing that!

Mickey: Well, what are we doing?

NC: Paw, what do we know about these guys?

Paw: Well, according to the Junior Woodchucks Guide to Astronomics, they are highly specialized.

NC: Meaning?

Paw: Well, logically, no one knows how to do anything except their own job.

Snob: So, their tactical weapons officer...

Mickey: ...can only fire the weapons.

Marzgurl: And nobody else can.

NC: Engineering. (we cut to Engineering where CR and Joe are) Does the transporter still work?

CR: Yeah, but I'm afraid it's very badly damaged. I can only put rough coordinates in, and I'm afraid we can only beam in two at a time right now.

NC: Joe, would you like to shoot something?

Joe: Why, yes, Critic. Yes, I would.

NC: Good. I have a plan. Let me get my battle armor on. Something... dreadful.

Marzgurl: You mean...?

NC: Oh, yeah! Meet me in Engineering.

JO: Wait, Critic! I have invented these: power enhancing energy gloves! They increase your body strength by 12 hundred percent. I shall now demonstrate on... Paw Paw! (punches Paw who gets blasted to the wall)

NC: (grabbing the gloves from JO) OK, I think I like this crazy Otaku! All right. Joe, meet me in Engineering. Everyone else... (looks back at his screen) Act like you're still listening to him.

Terl: (unmuted) ...to sleep, perchance to cream! Aye, there's the tub.

Sage, Panda, and Spoony look worried as they still face the guards.

CR: (to NC and Joe) You guys ready?

NC and Joe: (offscreen) Ready.

CR: Energizing. (and he begins the teleportation process)

Terl: ...and the play's the thing, wherein I tickle the ball sack of the king and...

Joe is teleported into Terl and Zod's living room; once he speaks, Terl and Zod look behind them.

Joe: Excuse me! Which one of you is the tactical weapons officer?

''Terl and Zod point to the henchman on Joe's left. Joe shoots him in the head, holsters his gun, smiles, and quickly teleports out. Zod and Terl are confused. Cut to Sage's group as the energizing sound is heard again. The henchmen turn around to find the Critic... totally decked out in a Judge Dredd uniform (with a really huge right eagle shoulder pad, I must say.)''

NC (doing his best Stallone impression): I AM THE LAW!

''He starts rapidly firing his gun killing all the henchmen and conveniently not killing Sage, Panda, or Spoony. He then continues to yell while still shooting the dead henchmen.''

NC: (Stallone voice) Court's adjourned.

Cut to Zod and Terl.

Zod: What the hell just happened?

Terl: He just shot our tactical officer.

Zod: Well, get another one!

Terl: We don't have another one!

Zod: What?

Terl: Well, if we had one, why would we need another one?

Back to the Critic.

NC: CR, I'm sending you their coordinates. Beam them out and then me.

SadPanda: Well, this was fun.

The three are teleported out.

Zod: Well, what are we supposed to do now?

Terl: You're the pajama-wearing big shot. You think of something!

Zod: Well, the more we stand here talking about it, the more we give them a chance to think of something!

''They suddenly realize the critics are still listening. Terl motions to be cut off. Marzgurl then takes charge.''

Marzgurl: All right. This side, get all weapons back online. This side, try and get into contact with the Critic.

Phelous: (interrupting) Wait a minute. I'm in command here! Everyone- do what she says.

Terl: (to the henchmen) You have five minutes to find somebody who understands our weaponry!

Zod: Or, at the very least, get us the ship's owners manual.

''Three more henchmen fire at the Critic, who fires back, and somehow no one is falling dead. The Critic blocks some shots with his shoulder pads but someone shoots him in the helmet. He continues to fire rapidly and then hides behind a box.''

NC: CR! Where's that damn beaming?

Cut to CR with JO, Film Brain, Joe, and Paw all over his shoulders.

CR: Um, I'm sorry, Critic! The teleporter has a high energy bearable matrix.

NC: ...What does that mean??

CR: IT WON'T WORK!

NC: Well, make it work, dammit! (shoots some more)

CR: All right, um, I think this might work. Energizing!

NC: Ha ha! (stands up) Now you see me, now you don't! (nothing happens for a few seconds. So the Critic shoots the middle henchman, who falls dead; the others retaliate as NC hides again) CR!!!

CR: Damn it. OK, um, I think I figured out the problem. Try this one.

NC is successfully teleported out.

Terl: (to one henchman) You there. Report.

Henchman: Well, this guy (motions the other henchman standing next to him) used to flush cherry bombs down the toilet.

Terl: (shaking his hand) Congratulations, you're our new tactical officer. Zod, how's the programming coming?

Zod: (reading a manual, almost sounding like Marvin the Martian) "Congratulations on purchasing your new Illunium 36 Explosive Space Modulator. We're glad you had the..."

Terl: Don't read the first page! (Rips it out) It's filler!

Zod: "After completing the parts on page one, you will next want to..."

Terl: Oh, Goddamit!

''They both hunker down to get back the ripped page. Meanwhile, NC is teleported to an open field on Europa; he looks around.''

NC: ...Still not the ship.

In Engineering.

Joe: You're outside the building, Critic. It's OK. The scanners say there's no guards out there. (some guards start shooting NC) Oh, wait. The red dots are THEM, and the green dot is YOU! Oh, there are a TON of guards out there! LOTS. (more guards pop up from the field, and the Critic frantically fires) Oh, look, there's more of them! The screen looks like a cherry pie!

On the main deck.

Marzgurl: Cinema Snob, how are those weapons coming?

Snob: Well, the popcorn maker's working. We could always steam their faces with it.

Marzgurl: Phelous. Suggestions?

Phelous: Oh, NOW someone wants advice from the red shirt, huh? Well ... (he is struck down by lightning)

Marzgurl: Clean up!

Terl and Zod are frantically flipping through the manual.

Zod: Oh, this is taking too long! Put on the video tutorial. No. no, you got it in French!

The tutorial announcer speaks in French; the graphics are in French as well.

Terl: Oh, mon dieu!

Zod: Find someone who speaks French!

''The guards shoot at the Critic some more when, suddenly, a few laser blasts come out of nowhere, attacking the guards. NC turns to see it's the mysterious spaceman dressed as Gort.''

NC: What the hell?

''The Gort Spaceman gives him a salute and leaves. The guards continue to fire as NC hides behind a bush. He feels around his uniform and finds the energy gloves.''

Joe: (vo) Good thinking, Critic!

The guards overhear this and spot him.

NC: Remind me to kill you later!!

Joe: (to others) ...I don't really have to remind him, do I?

''The others shake their heads "no." NC struggles to get the gloves on. He then faces them.''

Gloves: Bullet Dodge.

''NC blocks all the guards shots with the gloves. The guards then throw their guns down and charge towards the Critic. He then continues to punch them around with the gloves. Naturally, NC starts to get a little cocky.''

Gloves: Battery Low.

NC: (continuing to punch them) Woah, Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on. Woo hoo!

Gloves: Battery Dead.

''Another guard charges at him; and the Critic throws a punch, only to slightly pat him on the chest. He tries to punch some more, but he's still there. NC then pats him frantically and nervously until he pats him on the back.''

NC: You know, um... (punches the guard in the jaw and runs away)

Cut back to the French tutorial.

Zod: I can't understand a thing he's saying!

Terl: Engage the French translator.

The translator suddenly appears on screen, and it just happens to be...

Benzaie: Bonjour! I am your French instructor! To continue this lesson in French, please press 1!

Terl: That doesn't even make any sense!

Zod: Why would we want to learn French in French?

Back in Engineering.

Film Brain: Isn't there something we can do?!?

CR: I'm trying, but right now, we can only beam objects and not people.

JO: Ooh! I'll be right back. (she leaves)

''The guard catches up to NC as they struggle a bit. JO suddenly reappears with a large silver gun.''

JO: This is the OMG-WTF 9000. It can shoot 9,000 volts in one smackeroo! I think I shall test it on... Paw Paw! (shoots Paw, shocking him in the process as he falls to the ground) And that was just a minor setting.

Film Brain: (shocked) I'd say that works.

CR: Bombs away.

''The OMG-WTF 9000 is teleported out of JO's hand, who continues to giggle. The gun then lands out in the field near NC and the guard. As it lands, it shoots a blast at a rock, disintegrating it. NC and the guard look at each other before making a dash for the gun. They both reach it and struggle for it as more guards run towards them.''

Terl: No. Push the buttons up here. The red ones. Maybe they do something. (Explosion) That just blew up Venus. Fuck. They're going to miss that. Zod, how is the video coming?

Zod: I don't even know what he's doing right now! He's just dancing around naked!

Benzaie: (rapping) ''Yo! My name's Benzaie / And you know that I'm always kissing guys ...''

Cut to Todd looking at Mechakara and NChick as they just stand around.

Todd: Hey, we could use a little help, you know!

Mechakara: We are providing tactical moral support.

Seven of Eleven: (blankly) Go team. (Todd doesn't know what to think as he gets back to work)

''NC and the guard continue to struggle for the gun. Critic finally gets it and disintegrates the guard. The other guards flee in terror.''

NC: Don't run, don't run! I want to be your friend!

Marzgurl: Jut all of our auxiliary power into laser cannons. Luke, get me an update on those torpedoes. Phelous- (he holds up his finger only to get shot in the head) ...Clean up!

Terl: (onscreen) Ha ha! Well, my withering subjects, it seems we have our weapons systems back online! (the guard behind him gets blasted across the room) Two minutes. (screen shuts off)

NC continues to fire until the gun suddenly stops.

Computer: Overheated.

''He tries blowing on it as the guards chase after him. He gets cornered by another guard and shockingly tosses the gun. The guard catches it and fires another guard who disintegrates next to NC. NC runs away as the guard has trouble controlling the gun as it fires at three more guards; they're eliminated as NC continued running. They finally corner NC as one guard hits the head of the one with the 9000.''

Henchman: Sir, the Critic has been spotted on the moon.

Terl: What?? Beam me down there. This time the day will be mine!

Zod: (flipping through the manual) Come back here, you Muppet!

CR: OK. I think I figured it out. Energizing.

NC is teleported out as Terl is teleported in his place.

Terl: Ah ha! Oh! (he ducks from a blast from the 9000)

''NC is teleported in ... Zod's location.''

Zod: What the hell??

NC: Shit!

Zod: Fill his dangly bits with holes!

NC: CR!!!

''He is teleported again ... to the door on the other side of the room.''

Zod: Shoot him!

NC: Oh, for God's sake, CR!!!

''He is teleported once again, with Terl taking his place again and being shot at. NC is successfully brought back to Engineering with his back to everyone.''

Lupa: Critic!

''He turns around and flinches; then the others flinch. He sighs relief and walks up to CR.''

CR: Well, you're welcome. (NC smacks him) Ow, bitch!

NC suddenly gets a gun pointed at him by the just-teleported Terl.

Terl: Ha ha. Got you now, Rat-Brain! How are you gonna get out of this one? (Paw and Mickey point their guns at him; after a few beats, Terl timidly replies:) Beam me back.

He is teleported back to Zod, who looks at his screen when he hears NC.

NC: (v/o) Guess what, buckaroos?

On the villains' screen, we see NC without his jacket on, resting his left arm on Snob's shoulder.

Snob: Our weapons are back online.

NC: Our weapons are back online.

Snob: And I know how to use them.

NC: And he knows how to use them.

Snob: Unlike the idiot who put sugar in the laser banks.

NC: Fire when ready!

''Terl frantically presses a few buttons. Cinema Snob is then teleported.''

Luke: No!

''NC falls down. Snob is teleported to Zod's location.''

Zod: Vamonos!

Their house ship escapes.

NC: What else could happen? (Spoony falls down on him) I hate sci-fi!

To Be Continued.

Part 5

''We open with the Last Angry Geek flying in a combination Star Wars X-Wing / Babylon 5 Starfury, complete with an R2 unit robot. He listens to a transmission.''

Executor: (v/o) Greetings, Terl. I- Woah. What have you done with the place?

Terl: (v/o) Do you like it?

Executor: (v/o) Yes. Especially that plant in the corner. Really ties the room together.

Terl: (v/o) Anyways, we lost the Spoony One, but we may have gotten someone better.

Executor: (v/o) Very well. Ship it via ground overnight delivery.

LAG: Q3, set a new course.

Q3: (makes R2-D2's beeping noises)

LAG: We're following the prisoner.

Q3: (beeps)

LAG: Oh, you're just bitter because I wouldn't buy you that iPad you were flirting with.

Q3: (beeps)

LAG: Because she was a whore!

Q3: (beeps)

LAG: You leave my ex-wife out of this!

Q3: (beeps)

LAG: No, I will not buy you that coffeemaker that sent you the nude photos.

Q3: (beeps)

LAG: Seriously, Match.com. You might be surprised!

''They fly off before we cut to a mourning Luke, sitting at NC's dining room table. Film Brain then enters and puts his hand on Luke's shoulder.''

Luke: I just can't believe he's gone.

FB: You mustn't blame yourself. (he sits down next to Luke and "comforts" him) Sure, if you had only jumped in one second earlier, you could have pushed him out of the way. And I'm not going to lie: we would have preferred if you were taken instead of him. But hey, at least you're here safe and sound whilst he's probably being tortured to death. You can take comfort in that, right?

Luke: GOD! You're horrible at this!

FB: Who knows? Maybe... maybe he's all right somewhere.

Luke: You don't know that. Lord knows what kind of tortures they're subjecting him to right now.

''Cut to an unconscious Cinema Snob lying on a bed as sultry saxophone music plays. A sexy woman (played by Jillian Zurawski) holds a cookie tray, sits down next to him and stuffs a cookie in his mouth.''

Snob: (waking up) The hell? I think I'm in the wrong movie.

We then see a white-haired man in a suit played by Rob Walker, known as Christopher Clod, on the other side of the room

Clod: California is rather nice, isn't it? (to the woman) Intern. (claps his hands) Leave us. (Clod motions her to the dorr as she leaves, but not before feeding him a cookie. He then mouths...) Call me. (...and does that hand pose where it looks like a phone receiver... you know the one)

Snob: (still wondering what's happening) Who are you?

Clod: (stuffed mouth) My name is- (coughs) Uh, excuse me. (he finishes his cookie) Delicious. My name is Christopher Clod. I am head of the Motion Picture Association of American Artists.

Snob: I remember you. You're that senator who quit his job and said he'd never become a lobbyist... and then you became a lobbyist.

Clod: Hmm-hmm. Oh, please! I prefer the term "film enthusiast," Bradakin.

Snob: (curiously) How do you know my real name?

Clod: Oh, I know many things about you, young Bradakin. I've been following your career with great interest.

Snob: Really?

Clod: Oh, yes. Your talents are wasted, I'm afraid. The critics don't understand your full potential. They're afraid of it.

Snob: What do you mean?

Cut to them walking through the hallway.

Clod: You see, Bradakin, we are providing the world with hours and hours of entertainment, the likes of which only the M-P-Triple A can provide.

Snob: And so that gives you the right to shut down anyone who doesn't agree with you?

Clod: Oh, Bradakin. I love diversity more than anybody, but we have our own interests to think of.

Snob: Like with SUCKA.

Clod: Ah, yes. The Stop the Unstoppable Copyright Killers Act. That is but one method, yes.

Snob: But isn't Hollywood still making record amounts of money?

Clod: Yes, but we can make more. You have no idea how tough it is out there, young Bradakin. Why, I've had to sell off one of my six summer homes. We can barely even afford to pay our own writers.

Snob: Hollywood barely pays their writers to begin with. That's why they went on strike.

Clod: Yes, but now we can afford to pay them even less. (he opens a closet door as Snob looks on) Look at her, young Bradakin.

We see a woman (Dayna Munday) sitting on the floor wearing an office suit, glasses, and chains around her neck while holding a laptop.

Clod: Can you deny this poor woman her dues?

Woman: (English accent a la Oliver) Please, sir, may I have a paycheck?

Clod: Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry. (in a somewhat sarcastic tone) Pirates.

''Clod shuts the door, leacing her in the dark. We cut to Clod and Snob in a well-lit room, standing in front of a window.''

Snob: Well, that sucks and all, but... what do you want from me?

Clod: Your talents are wasted, I'm afraid, young Bradakin. You spend your time reviewing Z-Grade porno flicks; but, in reality, you can fulfill your dreams of becoming a real filmmaker.

Snob: What do you know about my dreams?

With remote in hand, Clod turns on an ad on the TV. Snob is surprised to see this: 

Woman (Jori Laws): Hi, Bradakin. I want to be your head of lighting. (she gives a "thumbs up")

Man (Jason Laws): Hi, Bradakin. I want to be your pyrotech. (lights a cigarette lighter and weirdly stares at it as an explosion occurs behind him)

Snob: Woah!

Clod: (he suddenly pops up behind Snob and puts his hand on his shoulder) Think of it, Bradakin. Real lights. Real equipment. Key grips and best boys.

We see more people in the ad, including: "Jamez" as the "cinematographer," Holly Christine Brown as "script supervisor," and Justin & Haley Barnes and Terrence Bellinger as "production assistants" - the last three motion Snob to come into their world.

Clod: The noose is tightening around the critics, Bradakin. If not from us, then from someone else. Here, you'll have (cut to stock shots of...) a fully furnished apartment, a home to finish writing your magnum opus. (back to the room as Clod hands Snob a check) Here, I'll even give you a little starting money.

Snob: (incredulous) Is that as many zeroes as I think it is?

Clod: Oh, I'm sorry. Not enough? Here, let me add a couple. (writes some more on the check) Just remember: (he pinches Snob's cheek) Don't spend it all in one place. (in that sarcastic voice again) Pirates. (he leaves as we cut to a different "angle" of the room; Snob follows)

Snob: And what if I refuse?

Clod: Oh, you're free to leave whenever you wish. All that I ask is that you think about it. Just remember: When you leave... (pushes a remote turning the apartment hologram off, revealing a holodeck) ... so does the dream.

''Clod leaves leaving Snob to ponder. The screen goes black as we see the Plot Hole continuing to grow. We then cut to the Critic standing at his window, intently watching the stars roll by.''

Film Brain: (offscreen) Critic? (at the doorway, he enters the room and stands next to NC)

NC: How's Luke?

FB: Upset like the rest of us. I mean, what's gonna happen? To Spoony? Cinema Snob? To everyone?

NC: I don't know. I mean, I thought I did but... ever since that plot hole showed up, everything's been... changing.

FB: Changing?

NC: What if everything's been building up to this? All the reviews, all the madness, all the chaos in life. What if everything's been building up to just one single choice? (we see a close-up of NC, as if we're looking on the other side of the window) And what if that one single choice falls down to just one person? And what if that one person... is me?

FB: Well, I can't think of a better person for it to fall upon than you. (he smiles)

NC continues to ponder as FB eventually places his hand on his shoulder.

NC: Don't go Brokeback on me.

''FB quickly takes his hand off. Cut to Lupa sitting on the floor of Engineering in the dark looking concerned. Todd shows up and kneels across from her.''

Todd: (sighs) All right, Lupa. What was so important you needed to talk to me about? (sarcastic) Because if you want to give me another chance...

Lupa: It's not that.

Todd: (quickly) Oh, please. I want you to give me another chance. I want you to want me to give you another chance.

Lupa: Look. Somebody shut down these torpedoes. And according to the computer banks, the last people with access to the backing controls were the Nostalgia Chick and Linkara.

Todd: (confused) But why would either of them do that?

Lupa: I don't know. Maybe without you, she thinks she's got nothing left to live for or something.

Todd: See, why can't you be like that?

Lupa: Look. I need you to keep an eye on them. You need to watch what they do.

Todd: Why are you even asking me?

Lupa: Because... because you're the only one I know who would believe me.

Todd: (after thinking it over...) OK, but I'm only doing this for you.

Lupa: Thank you. (Todd leaves) And be discreet.

Todd: (off-screen) Oh, please. I am a ninja! (cut to him loudly banging on their door) HEY! LINKARA! NOSTALGIA CHICK! ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS OR EVIL IN THERE? (He shrugs and enters to find the two on their intercom, talking to...)

Terl: (vo) Soon, our evil and suspicious plans will be complete!

Todd: Uh... (They spot him) What was that?

NChick/Seven of Eleven: We were simply discussing our plans to exterminate the carbon units aboard the USS Exit Strategy.

Todd: So... does this mean you don't want a relationship anymore?

Seven of Eleven: Affirmative.

Todd: (looking relieved) Oh, thank God!

Seven of Eleven: We simply wish to turn you into a mindless automaton bent on serving our will.

Todd: Are you sure that's not a relationship?

''She holds a drill as Todd looks concerned (deja vu, much). Cut to the bridge. The crew is trying to see what's happening in another room, especially Mickey, who tries hopping up and down to get a better view. NC is about to enter the room, but his intercom goes off.''

NC: Hello?

Lupa: Critic. Can I talk to you?

NC: What is it? (cut to Lupa in Engineering) We're about to see what CR and JO put together.

Lupa: I can't talk over an open channel. Meet me in Engineering.

NC: (sighs) Really? You want me to come all the way down to Engineering?

Lupa: Just do it.

NC: (annoyed) Fine. (he walks across the bridge to a door that leads right to Engineering on the same floor; he enters) What is it?

Lupa: We have a saboteur on board.

NC: A tiger?

Lupa: Not a sabre TOOTH, you idiot! A traitor!

NC: Oh, Lupa. Come on.

Lupa: I'm serious! Someone is assimilating the crew one by one.

NC: Nobody is assimilating the crew.

Lupa: How do you know?

NC: ... OK, fine. I'll call at three random crew members right now. (on intercom) Linkara. Nostalgia Chick. Todd. Get inr here. (robot noises are heard) We'll see who's crazy. (turns around; he looks nonchalant while Lupa is stunned) You three. Have you noticed any suspicious behavior around here?

Mechakara: No. (camera pans to...)

Seven of Eleven: No. (camera pans to...)

Todd: (now dressed as RoboCop with a robot voice) None whatsoever.

NC: There now, you see? I told you you were paranoid. Back to your duties. (The three leave with RoboTodd making slow movements and loud mechical noises) (to Lupa) You know, sometimes you just have to open your eyes. (He leaves, leaving Lupa baffled)

''We see CR and JO's finished invention and a sleeping Spoony on a couch wearing a wired helmet. NC joins everyone in the room, pushing them out of the way.''

NC: OK, so what is it?

CR: Well, as best as we can describe, it's a dream amplifier.

NC: OK, and what does it do?

CR: ...It amplifies dreams.

NC: Thank you, Captain Obvious!

JO: (gleefully to CR) Yay! You've been promoted!

CR: Basically, we can use it to watch the dreams of anyone aboard the ship; and we, of course, plan to use it on Spoony.

NC: Uh-huh, and where did it come from?

JO: From the voices in our heads!

NC: (shocked) I believe that.

JO: I also invented these: (she holds up a pair of...) power enhancing rocket boots! They're like gloves, only for feetsies. I shall demonstrate on... (looks around to find...) Paw Paw!

Paw: Oh, God! No!

''She thrusts the boots with her hands, sending him through the ceiling. She gives them to NC.''

NC: (promptly handing the boots to Lupa) The thought occurs to me that this might not be entirely safe. (to SadPanda) Doc, what do you think?

SadPanda: Juno is overrated.

NC: (after a pause) I mean, about Spoony.

SadPanda: Spoony would agree with me.

NC: No. I mean, about his treatment.

SadPanda: Stop watching Juno!

NC: WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT JUNO?

SadPanda: I'm trying, but... "Best Screenwriter?" Really?

NC: ...Is this thing safe?!?

SadPanda: If there's anything House M.D. ever taught ,it's that there's nothing safer than risking a patient's life with experimental treatment that will surely kill him if I am wrong. (holds up a pack of pills and pops one) Painkillers?

NC: Oh, don't mind if I do. Now, (takes a painkiller and says, with full mouth:) who wants to volunteer?

Film Brain: (being hooked up; this also includes attaching a small gas mask over his mouth) Why do I have to do this?

CR: Well, what we need is a blank slate. An innocence of sort. Someone whose brain lengths are so low...

SadPanda: (interrupting) You're an idiot! And if you die, most of us won't miss you. Now, are you allergic to shellfish?

FB: No.

SadPanda: Penicillin?

FB: No.

SadPanda: Peanuts?

FB: No.

SadPanda: 12,000 volts of electricity rushing through your motor cortex?

FB: (scared) Very!

SadPanda: That's nice.

''He turns the machine on, shocking Film Brain. He is now in a void of white light and is dressed as Neo from The Matrix, complete with sunglasses and leather jacket. Several orange doorways are placed on his sides going on into infinity. He looks around and takes off his glasses.''

FB: Woah! Where am I?

CR: You're in Spoony's perception. (v/o as FB walks in his new surroundings) Everything and everyone that Spoony has ever known is represented in that realm.

SadPanda: Painkillers?

CR: Ah, grazie! (he and NC take one as Mechakara pushes Panda aside)

''Film Brain enters the door called "Perception." A brick wall appears as the Critic appears in a spotlight. We also hear Camille Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre playing.''

Perceived NC: Hello! I'm a compilation of high-pitched screaming and in-jokes that go on too long! (the real Critic is appalled) Look! I'm making my living by screaming mindless obscenities! Dick! Shit! Fuck! I can say words that a fifth-grader learned! Ha ha ha ha! (wildly laughing)

NC: I don't sound like that, do I, Phelous?

Phelous: That's Grand Admiral Phelous, and the answer to your question is... (is crushed by a safe; everyone reacts... by not reacting)

Perceived Joe: (he moves into the spotlight toting machine guns, bullets, and a bandana) Hi! I'm obsessed with violence and anarchy, probably because my mother didn't hug me enough! Ha ha ha ha ha! (shoots his guns)

Joe: (upset) Hey, I love my mama!

Perceived Joe: Ha ha ha ha ha! (is quickly replaced by...)

Perceived Linkara: Nyeh! Nyeh! Don't take me outside or else my skin might sparkle.

Mechakara: His voice is much more annoying than that. (everyone looks at him; he sighs) I mean, "I don't sound like that. Nyeh. Nyeh."

Everyone is satisfied, save for Lupa, who motions to JewWario to follow her out of the room; they leave.

NC: All right, enough of this. Film Brain. See if you can locate Spoony's subconscious.

FB: This one says "Super Ego."

Joe: (v/o) That's probably how Spoony views himself.

JO: (v/o) Spooky!

Joe: (v/o) Hey, quit hogging all the painkillers!

JO: (v/o) Num num num num num num num!

''Film Brain enters the door into a dark room with a metal-looking device. His eyes soon bug out. Why? Suddenly, a very skinny and nearly naked Spoony with a mullet and speedo (a la Dune) appears.''

FB: (shocked) Ew, God! Fucking Hell! (this as Spoony continues his dramatic posing) God! Ew. Ew. I don't want to do it again, but I'm vomiting in my mouth.

NC: Yeah. I'll bet Nostalgia Chick really sympathizes with that. (looks around to find her) Hey, where'd she go? (the others look around too)

Cut to Lupa and JewWario in Engineering.

JewWario: So, uh, what's up?

Lupa: (handing him the boots) I need help, (J-Dub is promptly almost on the ground, struggling to get back up since the boots are so heavy) and you're the only one dumb enough to believe me.

JewWario: Oh, thank you. (eventually, he sets the boots off to the side)

Lupa: (at the computer) Is there any way to get a complete transcript of all the internet activity aboard the ship? I tried the usual route, but it looks like it's encrypted now.

JewWario: Oh, um, yeah, yeah. There's a, here- (takes over for Lupa) There's a back door. (typing) Right... there. There you go.

Lupa: Woah. Look at all the furry porn.

JewWario: (typing fast) That must be Joe's.

''Cut to a dark room. Cinema Snob enters to see Clod watching something on TV. Snob sits down next to Clod.''

Snob: What are you watching?

Clod: Manos, the Hands of Fate.

(movie) The Master: ...darkness upon thy faithful, to live eternally in her keeping.

Snob: You know, it's amazing. When you get down to it, it's really a film about a family losing its soul.

(movie) The Master: Thou hast taught us, O Manos, and we hath listened. Give ear to our words, O Manos...

Snob: Too bad it's an awful film.

Clod: Nonsense.

Snob: What do you mean?

Clod: This film was funded by a Texas fertilizer salesman. He put his very life's savings into it. His life. His all. By all accounts, it's a complete and total abject failure. And yet, by making something so awful, so wretched... he created something good. Something that lives on. Something that will... endure.

Snob: (scoffs) You want me to write something good for you? All I know is crap.

Clod: Nonsense.

Snob: Yeah? I have a screenplay called "Cannibal Confederates vs. Amazon Girls a Go Go." That's the best I can come up with.

Clod: (by the end of this part, the camera zooms in on him) Have you ever heard of a director called Uwe Boll? He figured that all you truly needed was the will to create. Through tax-dodge schemes and direct-to-video releases, he figured he could turn any video game franchise into his own personal playground. How ironic that the very things you critics rail against have made him a cult sensation. No matter what your friends say, people love him precisely because they hate him.

Snob: I don't understand.

Clod: Fame is fleeting, but infamy lasts forever. It's a technique only a true master can perfect.

Snob: ...And I can learn this technique?

Clod: (turns to Snob) Not from a critic.

''Meanwhile, Linkara FINALLY manages to escape his closet and crawls out. Film Brain continues to explore Spoony's mind.''

NC: (vo) Hey, Dazed and Confused. You gonna make it to Spoony's subconscious anytime soon?

FB: I think I found it.

''He enters the "Subconscious" door into a dark realm. He sees an image of Spoony's head with the Plot Hole inside his neck. Everyone looks with intrigue. The Plot Hole eventually takes over the camera angle and suddenly speaks.''

Voice: Welcome.

FB: Who are you?

Voice: I am the beginning, the end, the intermission. I am the one who is in all places at once.

FB: ...Ma-Ti?

NC looks concerned.

Ma-Ti (voiced by Rob Walker from here owards. Sorry, Bargo fans): Yes. That is what they used to call me.

NC: Film Brain, ask him what he wants.

FB: Ma-Ti. What is it that you want?

Ma-Ti: ...The Critic. All of your questions will be answered if you just bring him to me.

FB: Bring him where?

Ma-Ti: To the Plot Hole. It is where he belongs. It is where he has always belonged. (NC ponders, perhaps more so than before) It is... his destiny.

''Mechakara motions to Seven of Eleven and RoboTodd to turn off something. RoboTodd does as we hear whirring noises power down... the oxygen in the ship, maybe?''

To Be Continued.

Part 7

''Luke is on his bed at his laptop. He suddenly hears a voice as the spirit of The Last Angry Geek appears.''

LAG: (phony spooky voice) Luuuuuuke! Luuuuuuke!

Luke: Last Angry Geek?

LAG: Luke, you must go to the internet. There you will find Master Oan, the high brow reviewer. He will teach you the ways of the Plot.

Luke: Internet? High brow reviewer?

LAG: There you'll find the means to defeat Darth Snob, the douchebag who defeated me.

Luke: I-I can't do that. I can't kill my best friend. That's impossible.

LAG: Luke, nothing's impossible. You simply have to swallow your humanity, leave your body and shove a molten laser sword down your best friend's esophagus. It's the only civilized way.

Luke: Maybe there's another way. Maybe there's still some good in him.

LAG: He is more corporate now than man. Twisted and evil, while you're still pure and innocent.

Luke: I can't do it. Isn't there anyone else? I'm surprised Film Brain wasn't interested.

LAG: Well...

Cut to Film Brain sitting and screaming in the corner of a room, rocking back and forth.

FB: 'AAAAAHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!!' (he does this throughout the scene)

LAG: Will you calm down?! I'm not trying to scare you! I want to... inspire you to help you defeat the dark side! (getting frustrated) Stop yelling, you British sissy boy! Oh, forget it! (he waves up his hands and leaves)

Cut back to him with Luke.

LAG: Heeeee wasn't available. Find Master Oan, listen closely and guard your emotions (phony spooky voice) for they could be made to serve the Executor... Woo! I'm a ghost, Luke... (fades out)

Luke starts to search the internet as we cut to Terl and Zod's ship.

Terl: (v/o) Executor, we- WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?! (Executor appears on the ship's screen) You look like a melted candle!

Executor: My battle with the critics has left me scaaaaarrrred! [that's "scarred", by the way, not "scared"]

Zod: The Death Bomb is nearly complete.

Executor: Goooooood! Then your work here is finished, my friends. Remain on the command ship and await my further orders. With our vast armada, nothing can defeat us now.

Terl: What of the critics and the Snob?

Executor: It is of no concern. Soon the critics will be crushed and the Snob is now one of us. This calls for a celebration. Throw a big Hollywood coke party. Funnel all that money that we should have been giving to those screenwriters.

Zod: Excellent! We'll need a reliable source of entertainment. I'll put an ad on Craigslist!

Terl: With all due respect, Executor, I don't feel safe throwing a party while the Critic still lives.

Zod: Nonsense! You heard the man. We're invincible! It's party time!

Terl: I don't want a party!

Zod: Well, we're going to do a party!

Terl: (whiny) We never do anything I want!

Executor: Hey! Don't make me separate you two.

Luke manages to find Oancitizen aka Master Oan at his home, reading the Encyclopedia of Science Fiction. Oan suddenly notices Luke.

Oancitizen: Oh, hi, um... Luke, right?

Luke: Hey, Oancitizen. Um, this is going to sound weird but ... I'm in space, and this ghostly apparition just came to me and said that you should be a mentor, and I...

Oancitizen: Wait. Wait. You want me to be... a mentor? You want me to allure over to you my intellectual prowess and always be right in your eyes? (he starts to get giddy, as only he can) I knew this day would come. One moment.

''He dons a headset of Yoda's ears. He then leaves his room and suddenly appears sitting next to Luke on the bed.''

Oancitizen: Hi there.

Luke: Wait, how did you do that?

Oancitizen: Nothing can stop my true calling of being a mentor.

Luke: Yeah, but how did you get here?

Oancitizen: Jump cut. (says this pretty fast) Well, technically, jump cut combined with parallel action; it's ver- very Stephen Scharf. I'll give you the book later. Anyway, jump cut. One of the many tools of the Plot.

Luke: The Plot! Yes, that's what I need to know. Master Oan, will you teach me the ways of the Plot?

Oancitizen: Of course. Help you I can. (does a flat Yoda impression) Mmm hmm hmm hmm. (stands up) But it will take months of training. Long grueling hours spent in the swamp, hauling me around, eating lousy porridge, giving me a sponge bath whenever I-

Luke: (stands up to interrupt him) Uh, I only have a few minutes.

Oancitizen: Oh. Well, in that case, take this.

He tosses Luke a syringe; Luke reads the writing on it.

Luke: "Alex Proyasac -- A Lifetime of Training in a Single Syringe." (holding the syringe with both hands with the needle sticking up in the air) Is it safe?

Oancitizen: (grabbing Luke's hands) I certainly hope so.

''He thrusts the tube into Luke's head as a blinding light takes over. Luke finds himself flying through space as Oancitizen shows him several images and clips of films as he speaks.''

Oancitizen: (v/o) You're probably wondering why I keep appearing in your thoughts. It's because I've inserted myself in them. I am here to teach you about the Plot. (we see clips from A Trip to the Moon) A character's strength flows through the plot, but beware the dark side. (pictures on money appear) Protectionism. Stifling creativity. Selling out. These lead to the dark side. (we see...) Darth Snob was seduced by the power of the Dark Side of the Plot. (The Executor appears, as does a Manos clip) He thought infamy would make his work last forever, but he forgot something very important.

Luke: (v/o) What's that?

Oancitizen: (v/o) Bad art is a distraction. Great art changes people.

Luke: (v/o) But how can we change people if there's so much crap?

Oancitizen: (v/o) Patience. For every two dozen Phantom Menaces, there is a Return of the King. For every two-bit Shyamalan, (here, we see...) a Stanley Kubrick is born. For every poor soul who groans during (likewise, pics of...) an Adam Sandler-funded Rob Schneider vehicle, there is a child (cut to a silhouette of a stag in shadow) crying life-affirming tears when Bambi's mom is shot. (at this point, we see Luke look around at more clips of films like Birth of a Nation, Night of the Living Dead, and A Trip to the Moon again) Somewhere out there, a film student is finding out what Rosebud means for the first time. A man is pausing as Fredo prays the Hail Mary on a boat over Lake Tahoe. A woman grasps her heart as Bogie's love flies off into the foggy night. All it takes is one moment to change a person. And that one moment... no matter how fleeting... is worth a thousand Transformers.

Luke: (vo) I think I understand.

Oancitizen: (vo) That's it, Luke. I know you can beat them, but you must stay true. Remember- ...the plot can be what you make of it.

''More arthouse cinema is shown as Luke (and the audience for that matter) beholds their greatness. A blinding light brings Luke back to his room as he pulls the tube out of his head.''

Luke: I'm ready.

''Oancitizen nods as they leave together. Cut to the reviewers gathered in the basement.''

NChick: Todd, um, I really don't think this is going to work out.

Todd: I know.

NChick: You know, you're a really nice guy...

Todd: I know.

NChick: And it's not you. It's me.

Todd: I know.

NChick: I'm glad we had this talk.

Todd: I'm glad you did, too. (They shake hands)

Lupa: (to Todd) Can you imagine if you ever did date her?

Todd: Pft. Yeah. In what parallel universe would that happen?

''We see Marzgurl in front of JO, who is holding a cardboard drawing of their plan attack that looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. It even says "Drawn by Edward!!!"''

Marzgurl: The Executor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come. Based on our information, we know he has constructed a space station: a Death Bomb designed to destroy the critics and to seize control of the plot hole orbiting Jupiter. It is located near the hole. It is relatively unguarded... except for this ginormous armada of heavily armed ships. (Joe and Lupa gulp) We believe that a stealthy assault will cripple the fleet and expose the Death Bomb to our attacks, but most importantly, we have learned that the Executor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of its construction. (in a serious tone) Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Sage: (after a long pause, confused) What the hell's a Bothan?

Marzgurl: Nobody knows. They're all dead.

SadPanda: All right, well, what's the plan then?

Marzgurl: For that, we go to "God Emperor... (reads her hand) ...Most High Major Captain Lord Phelous."

Paw: We have really got to stop letting him promote himself.

Phelous: (with that should-be-trademarked sarcastic voice) Using the information provided by Film Brain (Angry Joe clears his throat) and the Bothans, we'll use a special attack force led by Marzgurl. (Continually tapping the board with the marker) Now this attack force will sneak aboard Zod's ship and disable the armada from the main control room. But to do this, we'll need a distraction.

Marzgurl: Any volunteers?

NChick: I'll do it.

Todd: Really?

NChick: Yeah. Dealing with ... (flicks her hand at Todd's face) that has made me realize: why get stuck with a man when I can stick it to the man?

Joe: Count me in.

Luke: (v/o) Me too.

''Luke and Oancitizen enter. Luke is now dressed as, you guessed it, Luke Skywalker.''

Joe: Oh, hey, Oancitizen. You want to go on a violent sneak attack with us?

Oancitizen: Sure. I can milk this cameo for a few more scenes.

Marzgurl: Excellent! Phelous, since you're leading the space attack, I guess that means you're promoted to ... Jesus. Are you capable?

Phelous: Capable? This is the greatest day of my red shirt life...

''He suddenly explodes. The camera pans over to see that he reappears on Marzgurl's other side.''

Marzgurl: Think you can handle it?

Phelous: Oh, yeah.

Marzgurl: Great!

FB: Wait a second. We didn't give the Critic a chance to offer his contribution.

The crew looks to the side to find the pondering Critic in his chair in the corner.

NC: My contribution I'll give swiftly, once I think of it, in the confines of my triple protected bunker.

Everyone rolls their eyes.

Sage: I sensed he'd say that.

Joe: Well then, let's DO this! For the Bothans!

Everybody: FOR THE BOTHANS!

''NC nods approvingly but suddenly looks concerned as he continues to ponder. ''

''Meanwhile, over at the Death Bomb, we see the armada of ships as well as Zod and Terl's house ship. We cut to inside the ship as the henchman are seated on the couch holding Coca-Cola cans and looking bored.''

Terl: You know, when he said "big Hollywood coke party", I'm not exactly sure this is what I had in mind.

Zod: Come on, guys. It's a party! Don't you guys know how to act at a party?

Terl: Oh, is that what you're calling this? I've seen Amish funerals more exciting.

Zod: Oh, come on. We have music! We have dance!

Terl: Music? Look at this place! It's like a rave run by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Zod: Oh, please! On Planet Krypton, Zod threw many a wicked kegger.

Henchman: Do you have any keggers here?

Zod: No drinking while on duty!

Henchmen: Aw!

Zod: Come on, you guys! Perk up! (they are still bored and Zod sighs) I'll go get Apples to Apples. (he leaves)

Terl: Well, you enjoy the festivities. I'm off to scour the lonely recesses of deep space for more D-List internet critics.

Henchmen: Take us with you! Take us with you!

Terl: No! Stay here and party! (he leaves)

Henchmen: (dejected) Oh!

Back on the Exit Strategy.

Mickey: Sir, we're within range. Two sectors away.

Phelous: (he's cocky throughout this whole part, sitting in the Captain's chair very lazily) Can they track us?

Mickey: Not yet, sir.

Phelous: Good. Prepare the away team for beaming. (hits the intercom on the chair arm) Critic, I hate to interrupt your bunker time, but the real heroes are ready.

NC's chair is empty.

Phelous: (v/o) Critic?

NC heads upstairs, making sure no one sees him, and is about to head out the door. But someone does notice...

FB: Critic! Where are you going?

NC: ...You know where I'm going.

FB: You can't just leave us now. We need you! I need you. You're like a hero to me.

NC: Oh, come on, Film Brain. I'm no hero.

FB: Yes you are! You're the best critic there is.

NC: I'm not even a good critic! All I do is yell and scream at things I don't like. What kind of critic does that?

FB: You gave us a voice, a place to call our own.

NC: And how many Ma-Tis will it take? How many crappy laws were invented because of my bullshit? Cinema Snob was right. Nothing lasts forever. What are you gonna do when the bottom falls out of this bullshit?

FB: That's for us to decide.

NC: Well, I've made my choice.

FB: And what if it's the wrong choice?

NC: (sighs) Something is out there, Film Brain. Something is calling me. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe it's something. Maybe it's something where I can be useful. Maybe it's something where I can make a difference. Maybe it's something where I can actually do something meaningful and not just hurt people! Whatever it is, it has the answers I'm looking for. It has the truth.

FB: What if the truth will haunt your dreams for all time?

NC: Did you really just quote Orlando Jones from The Time Machine?

FB: Pft. No, I was quoting the trailer. No one saw that piece of crap.

NC: My point exactly. Nobody needs me. (goes towards the door)

FB: Critic, if you go in that thing, you may never return.

NC: (sighs and looks back) Return was never an option. (FB's eyes widen, startled) Goodbye. (we cut to FB's reaction as the Critics opens the door and we see the air being sucked out, but the Critic walks back past Film Brain because...) Forgot that leads to space.

''Film Brain looks sad as CR! comes upstairs.''

CR: Hey, you're looking chipper. Listen, can you watch Engine Room for me? Uh, much like James Kirk in "Space Seed," I've got something big, burly, and revolting I need to, uh, exile. You know what I mean? OK.

Cut to a still-despondent Film Brain in Engineering, where Luke appears at his side.

Luke: It's the Critic, isn't it?

FB: The team's not here. Wait outside.

Luke: I know. I'm not going with them.

FB: What? Where are you going?

Luke: (hands him a piece of paper) You need to beam me there.

FB: (he reads it) But that's...

Luke: You MUST!

FB: But they'll kill you!

Luke: Listen to me. You're not going to believe me, but you need to hear me out. This goes against everything that life, the universe, and everything says is common sense; but if I don't make it back and the Critic gets stuck there, you're the only hope for the internet.

FB: (after a pause) You're right. I don't believe you.

Luke: You're going to have to try your best.

FB: But what do you want me to do?

Luke: Trust in the Critic, then trust in me, then trust in yourself... to do the right thing.

FB: And what IS the right thing?

Luke: Keep a close eye on Spoony. You'll figure it out.

FB: (hesitantly prepares the teleportation) See you around, Dudley Do-Right.

Luke: Later, Spotted Dick.

''Luke is teleported out as CR! comes back in.''

CR: All right, now that that's done, strike team... (pats FB on the shoulder; FB leaves as CR sits back in the chair) Let's get rolling.

Back on the house ship, Zod is reading the Apples to Apples box.

Zod: "A hilarious game where everyone's opinion counts..."

''The teleportation sound is heard outside Zod's door. He slowly approaches the door and opens it to reveal Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen dressed as Ursa and Non from ''Superman II.

Zod: Ursa! Non! I haven't seen you since Planet Houston (pronounced "Hoosten"). What a wonderful surprise!

NChick: Darling. So good to see you.

Zod: Kisses. (they exchange a couple of air cheek kisses) Oh, well I simply must introduce you to everybody. Everyone! I want you to meet two of my closest friends: Ursa- whose cruelty even extended to the children of Krypton- and Non. He's a mindless apparition whose only means of communication is wanton violence and destruction. (Oancitizen is about to speak...) He's also a mute. That's very important to know. (Oan is disappointed; the henchmen clap their cans) So tell me, tell me. What are you doing here? Oh, don't let me know. You're the entertainment. Oh ho! Craigslist, you've done it again. Tell me, will you sing?

NChick: (as Oancitizen nods) No.

Zod: But Non is nodding "yes".

NChick: That means "No" on Krypton.

Zod: No, it doesn't.

NChick: They changed it.

Zod: When?

NChick: After you left.

Zod: But you were with me when we l-

NChick: WIKI it!

Zod: Oh, well, I simply won't let you leave until you sing the number one 1983 Kryptonian single. Oh ho! Let the musical mirth begin! (he leaves for a minute)

Oancitizen: (to NChick, smugly) Oh no. We have no choice. We have to sing.

NChick: I'm singing. You're not. It will give us away.

Oancitizen: But they need to hear my musical pipes.

NChick: They're gonna break your musical pipes if you don't keep quiet.

Oancitizen: Fine. ...Do you even know the number one Kryptonian hit from 1983?

NChick: Well, thanks to Mechakara... (a computer screen appears in front of her face as her Borg-ness downloads the song) ...I do now.

Oancitizen: You should get that looked at.

Meanwhile, Darth Snob approaches the Executor.

Executor: I thought I told you to get me an Egg McMuffin.

Darth Snob: A small rebel force has reached its way into the sector.

Executor: Yes, I know.

Darth Snob: I feel that my apprentice is among them.

Executor: Young Mochrie? Strange. I did not feel his presence. Are your thoughts on this matter clear, Lord Snob?

Darth Snob: Clear as Pepsi. Crystal Pepsi.

Executor: Yuck. That shit's nasty.

Darth Snob: (obviously upset) I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that!

Executor: Very well, then. When he comes before you, you will bring him before me.

Darth Snob: He will come to me?

Executor: Yes. I have foreseen it.

Darth Snob: How?

Executor: He's standing right next to you.

The camera pans over from Darth Snob to reveal that Luke is indeed next to him.

Darth Snob: (trying to fool the Executor) My master, I have brought you my apprentice.

Executor: Sure you did. (to Luke) Welcome, young Mochrie. I look forward to completing your training. By now, you must know your friend can never be turned from the Dark Side of the Plot.

Luke: Your over-confidence is your weakness.

Executor: Your faith in the internet is yours.

Darth Snob: My hope that Crystal Pepsi will make a resurgence is mine! (Luke and Executor are both confused) What? I feel like I hand to contribute something.

Back on Zod's ship

Zod: OK, we're starting this party over. Hit it!

This will lead us into the film's signature musical number, "Distraction." During the first four instrumental opening bars, w''e see a teleporation in the house as the guards ready themselves. We see it's Angry Joe and Marzgurl dressed respectively as Solid Snake from Metal Gear and Major Kusanaji from ''Ghost in the Shell.

Joe: Snake's in the house, bitches!

NChick: (Singing) (Verse 1) There’s a fire going on / But the party’s just begun / So keep your focus looking at me tonight

A guard sneaks up behind them, but Joe shoots in the head without looking back.

NChick: (Singing)So the world’s about to end / Gonna party with my friends / And ain’t nobody gonna say it’s not right

''Oancitizen dances behind NChick throughout this as Joe and Marzgurl continue to shoot the guards. The Critic is also seen exiting the ship through his garage inside his car, which is modeled just like Doug's Mazda 3.''

NChick: (Singing) (Pre-Chorus)And I know... nothing’s gonna stand in my way / No matter the people may say / Just don’t turn around and keep looking straight / And I see... that everybody’s starting to yell...

Marzgurl: It says the control room is this way. (shooting occurs as they run away) Detour!

NChick: (Singing) How the world around you’s going to Hell / I’m here to tell you all it’s just fate / (Chorus)I’m a distraction / Of pure satisfaction / Keep your eyes all on me / For what you’re gonna see / Will redefine the height of attraction

''NC approaches the plot hole, but Terl shoots at him with his own personal ship. NC is not happy.''

NChick: (Singing)I’m a distraction / And I’m ready for action / So the world’s gonna blow / Stop complaining and go to the show / (Verse 2) There’s explosions in the sky / And the neighborhood is fried / But you don’t have to join them in all the fuss / Act like nothing’s going wrong / And just keep playing my song / Until there’s nothing left around here but us

Oancitizen picks up a microphone wanting to sing, but it's taken by...

Zod: (Singing) (Pre-Chorus 2)And I know... something’s gonna happen tonight / All the stars around us start taking flight / But there’s something that invites me to stay / (The henchmen applaud as Zod pauses them; Oan is naturally upset that he can't sing)'Cause I’m drawn... to the rhythm of the music they play / And we’re all gonna die anyway / So enjoy it while you can, come what may

Zod and NChick: (singing) (Chorus 2) We’re a distraction / Of pure satisfaction

Meanwhile, with the strike team...

Marzgurl: More guards are coming.

Joe: Stealth mode.

Marzgurl turns invisible, and Joe hides under a box.

Zod and NChick: (singing)There’s a war going on / But in here, we all won / ‘Cause nobody is slowing the traction

The guards pass Joe's box.

Guard: Hey, did we always have a human size box here?

''Joe shoots him and gets out only to find the other two ready to shoot. They're both knocked out by Marzgurl, who turns visible afterwards.''

Joe: They always said I could see through women.

Marzgurl: At least it's not a box.

Joe: Hey! That box is like family. (pats the box) She didn't mean it.

Zod and NChick: (singing)Take a step, come inside / Buy a stub, ride the ride of your life

Zod: (singing) (Bridge) Nothing ever will come from saying never / So join the fun wherever it is

''Oancitizen fights with NChick over the microphone as NC continues to be shot at by Terl. He then stops as Terl passes over him.''

Zod: (singing)There’s a power that’s growing by the hour / I’m positive I don’t want to miss / I’m a distraction…

Joe and Marzgurl enter another room.

Joe: Did you see that plant?

Marzgurl: Yeah. It really tied the room together!

Joe: All right, CR. We're in.

CR: Override code: 723485. And you have to remember to turn the manual controls both at the same time.

Joe and Marzgurl: 1-2-3 Turn.

The duo turn the controls, but the guards come back.

Marzgurl: Guards.

They close the doors as the guards ready their guns on the other side; but they don't know what to do:

Guard 1: Should we break it?

Guard 2: I don't know... Does he have home owner's insurance?

A grenade rolls out of the door. The guards scream as it explodes.

Zod and NChick: (singing) (Final Chorus)We’re a distraction / Of pure satisfaction / Keep your eyes all on me / For what you’re gonna see / Will redefine the height of attraction

''During this line, NC and Terl face each other as they prepare to joust. NC's car lets out some smoke. (We also see an Autobot symbol on the trunk lid, as well as a Coexist bumper sticker and a personalized TGWTG Illinois license plate)''.

Zod and NChick: (singing) I’m a distraction / And I’m ready for action

NC and Terl charge at each other, lasers a-blazing.

NChick: (singing) So the world’s gonna blow / Stop complaining and go / Just start watching the show / 'Cause there’s no more to know / Here we go!

NC: (his lasers stop) Shit. I'm out.

Terl: Ooh hoo hoo! And now, Critic, revenge will be mi- (a laser shoots his ship that sends him hurtling through space) Ah hoo hoo wee!

NC turns to see the mysterious Gort spaceman in his ship.

NC: Yeah. Klaatu Barada- Whatever.

He continues to head for the Plot Hole.

Zod: (singing) I’m a distraction,

NChick: (singing) He’s a distraction,

Zod and NChick: (singing) We’re a distraction,

Oancitizen: (eventually takes the mic from Zod, singing) We're a distraction!!!

''The song ends. Everyone is shocked as NChick smacks Oancitizen in the head.''

Henchman 1: Hey, he spoke!

Henchman 2: Non doesn't talk!

Zod: Destroy that fantastic tenor!

NChick: (to the ship's intercom) Time to go.

''As Oan mouths to himself, "Fantastic!", the two are teleported out. The other guards catch Joe and Marzgurl as they are also teleported out.''

Joe: (as they leave) We're not retreating! You surrendered!

Back on the Exit Strategy.

Phelous: All right, let's begin this attack. JewWario, take us into firing range.

JewWario: (ecstatic) Yes, sir!

Phelous: And no barrel rolls.

JewWario: (disappointed) Yes, sir...

Back with Zod.

Guard: Sir, enemy ships closing in.

Zod: What? Put it on screen. (the Exit Strategy comes onscreen) Well, we'll show them who gets the best of Zod. All ships, target that house and FIRE!

The entire armada aims at each other and starts shooting itself apart.

Zod: (shocked) WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

Terl: (walks in) Well, I hope you've been having better luck than I have. I've been having a bit of a losing streak. Oh, by the way, (as he now notices what happened out there) DID WE JUST DESTROY OUR OWN ARMADA?!?

Zod: We'll assign blame to you later. Man the weapons!

The two house ships start firing at each other as we cut to Film Brain watching Spoony. All of a sudden...

Spoony: (in a trance) It's a trap, you know. Going into the hole won't solve anything.

FB: What?

Spoony: He's been lying to you. Nothing in the hole can save us. It's going to destroy us all.

FB: What do you mean?

Spoony: (Ma-Ti voice) NOTHING! Nothing. He'll get what's coming to him.

FB: What? What's coming for him? Tell me what's in there. TELL ME!!!

''Film Brain tries shaking Spoony to wake him but to no avail. He sits back down as he eyes the Dream Amplifier. Cut to the Executor.''

Executor: That's right. Your friends are walking into a trap. It was I who allowed them to know the secret location of this base. It is quite safe from your pitiful bandwidth.

Luke: But many Bothans died to provide us with that information!

Executor: You don't even know what a Bothan is, do you?

Luke: Sure I do... They're those three eyed things.

Executor: That's a Gran.

Luke: A pancake face?

Executor: Sullustan.

Luke: Not a Tribble.

Executor: That's Star Trek, you fool.

Luke: Well, whatever they are, a lot of them died because of you.

Executor: It matters not. If you do not join me, you will meet your Bothan friends soon enough.

The Exit Strategy continues to fire lasers and Mario Kart red shells.

Phelous: Yes. Fire the photon red shells. Arm the lasers. Do as I say! (a safe falls down from the roof, but it misses him) Oh, no. Not this time. (avoids a missile) Yes! Finally a red shirt is going to do something- (blocks lightning with a pie pan) OTHER THAN DIE! (a car drives right by him) Who let that in here? (he sits back in the chair) All right, full impulse, shields on maximum, (to the camera) and shake that camera more for dramatic effect!! (he nods approvingly as the camera shakes more)

The Critic drives his car straight INTO the plot hole.

To Be Continued

Part 8

Back on the Death Bomb.

Executor: Your fleet is lost; and soon, the hole will be ours.

Darth Snob: It is useless to resist.

Luke: You're wrong. So long as someone resists, you haven't won.

Executor: Oh, we shall see. Now witness the fire power of this fully armed and Windows-compatible battle station! Fire at will, Commander!

''The Death Bomb's laser cannon comes out and charges up, ready to fire at the Exit Strategy. The critics look worried as the Executor looks with glee. All of a sudden, the cannon shuts off.''

Executor: (stunned) What the hell?

Luke: Oh yeah. I should've told you: I put sugar in the laser cannons. Apparently, they're great for taking out laser banks.

The cannon coughs out a smoke of sugar dust.

Executor: (upset; after a few seconds, he says...) Snob.

Darth Snob: Yo!

Executor: Kill him.

Darth Snob: 'Kay!

''Snob and Luke activate their lightsabers and battle. The two houses continue to fire lasers at each other.''

Zod: The Death Bomb is non-functional! Our ships are gone! I-I-I think I'm having an asthma attack-

Terl: Move aside, son of Joe! It's time we do things MY way! Maximize power to the shield! Intensify forward fire power! Target that bridge only! And SOMEONE get me the complete works of Shakespeare! I've got some quoting to do! (the house ship hits the Exit Strategy) Ha ha ha ha! From smell's fart, I stab at thee! Ha ha ha ha!

Film Brain straps himself back into the Dream Amplifier and activates it, putting him back into the realm with Ma-Ti / The Plot Hole.

Ma-Ti: Welcome back, Film Brain. I didn't think you had it in you.

FB: (undeterred) What's in the plot hole?

Ma-Ti: Oh, nothing much. Just... a reckoning.

FB: With what?

Ma-Ti: The past, the present, the future, and the Critic's... destiny.

''A blinding white light fades in. Once it fades out, we see the Critic asleep on a couch as he awakes in shock. He sits up to find that he is back on Earth... in his regular living room.''

NC: Where am I? (a plot hole portal hovers nearby as he looks around the room) I'm in my living room. ...Really? So THIS is the big twist? The plot hole was my home the whole time? Yeah, real original, guys! Real nice! I totally didn't see this coming. You "blew" my mind. What a let down. (he notices his laptop on the couch) Well, I might as well check my email while I'm here.

''While on his laptop, he finds a page entitled "To Boldly Flee by Doug and Rob Walker." He also sees what he just said written down (*except for a few changes) in a script format. The reaction is obvious:''

NC: What the hell?

''He then hears a noise nearby and stands up nervously waiting who it is. A figure walks in brushing his teeth and it turns out to be ...himself? ''

Doug Walker/The Writer: Oh my god!

Meanwhile, Snob and Luke continue their battle as Luke kicks Snob's knee.

Executor: Goooood. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let it flow mindlessly through you like a Youtube commenter.

Darth Snob: Master Oan has taught you well

Luke: (bringing down his saber) I will not fight you, Cinema Snob.

Darth Snob: Really? 'Cause my bruised kidney disagrees with that.

Luke: I feel the good in you. The dramatic conflict. You feel there's still hope for real cinema.

Darth Snob: It's too late for me, Luke. Not after Transformers 3!!!

Snob slashes at him some more.

Executor: (off-screen) Good. Gooooood. (on-screen, now seen eating popcorn) Hey, listen. You all want anything? Maybe some, uh, hot dogs or some more popcorn? (looks briefly down off to the side) Oh crap! I forgot my wallet. You know what? Don't go anywhere. I need to take a pee break. I got a bladder the size of a thimble and a prostate the size of a grapefruit. I'll be right back. (he wheels his chair off screen)

The Exit Strategy continues to get ravaged while Terl gleefully celebrates.

Terl: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is the hour of our crepe suzette! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Phelous: Fire photon red shell!

Some more Mario Kart shells are fired, but they bounce off the house ship.

Mickey: It's no use. Their shields aren't weakening. The red shells aren't strong enough!

Phelous: Damn it! Isn't there anything stronger than a red shell?

JO: I have an invention!

Paw: Aaaaahhhh! (he promptly runs away)

Edward JO holds up a diagram of a Mario Kart flying blue shell, which she gives to CR.

JO: It's the only thing more powerful than a red shell. If we simply build...

''The ship is rocked, which causes JO to fall into a broken panel. This shocks her, which reverts her back to her normal self.''

CR: JO, these are brilliant!

JO: What?

CR: Do you think you can build it under a minute?

JO: What are you talking about?

CR: The... The plans. The torpedo.

JO: Badass. Who made these?

CR: You did!

JO: Hon, I can't even make toast.

Another explosion occurs that shakes the crew.

CR: (grabbing JO by her shoulders) Damn it, JO. You did this! You! Now think! There has to be a way!

JO: I don't know. OK, if, uh, everything I said before was right and everything I'm saying now is wrong, ...maybe you should do the opposite of whatever I say?

CR: (after a beat) JO, you're a genius.

JO: Heh. Your glasses are funny.

CR: (hands her a screwdriver from his inside jacket pocket) Can you use the tool? (she quickly drops it - MAN, she's uncoordinated) No. Paw, you ever wanted to do surgery on a red shell?

Paw: (scared) Is she gonna test it on me?

CR: No.

Paw: (relieved) Fascinating.

CR: All right, let's go.

''The three go off to construct the blue shell torpedo. Back with the Critic and the Writer; both are still wondering what the hell just happened.''

NC: Who are you?

Doug: (stammers) I-I-I-I'm the writer.

NC: Then who am I?

Doug: I guess the character. It's a little surreal and kind of terrifying. (starts to leave) I'm gonna get a shot of Rumple Minze. You want anything?

NC: Tell me what's going on here!!

Doug: (sighs, then sits down on the couch while NC remains standing) OK, um, you were a character that I created for an online media show. I don't mean to brag, but it was a pretty big hit. (he chuckles, but NC still looks confused) And so I was writing the yearly anniversary of the creation of your character and the site it was on. And in the anniversary, I write in that you go inside this anomaly; and the only thing I could think of that'd be really cool inside that anomaly is if you meet up with the writer: Me. (after an awkward pause...) ...And here we are.

NC: So I'm just a character?

Doug: Well, you were at first, but now... you're something else.

NC: What?

Doug: Evolved.

NC: What do you mean?

Doug: Think about it. Would the dictator from Kickassia actually give a shit about his friends? Would the money-grubbing egomaniac from Suburban Knights actually give a crap about a dead Indian boy? (NC wiggles his hand and rocks his head back and forth as if to say, "Maybe") I didn't expect that when I started writing you long ago; but ever since then, you've changed. You've literally leapt off the page and taken on a life of your own. It became less of me writing you what to do and you telling me what to write. (NC is still confused) And seeing where we are, I guess that leaves us with one last choice. (he briefly shifts his eyes off-screen; NC notices and looks in the same direction to see the front door leading to the outside)

NC: What's out that door?

Doug: Reality.

Meanwhile, the Ma-Ti plot hole fires a laser at Film Brain that knocks him to the ground.

FB: Why are you doing this?

Ma-Ti: Because I want you to suffer. I want EVERYthing to suffer, just as I have suffered! And I want it to happen by the Critic's hand.

FB: We came to save you, Ma-Ti. The Critic cares about you!

Ma-Ti: You cared about NOTHING! And the critic was the worst. I was a joke to him. '''A pansy! A pussy!''' You think I didn't know? Always sending me on stupid missions? Goat porn? REALLY? Well, now his final mission will be his last.

''Back with Snob and Luke. Snob is looking around, trying to find Luke, who is hiding.''

Darth Snob: You cannot hide, Luke. It's not that big of a room.

Luke: I will not fight you.

Darth Snob: You know there is nothing left for us, Luke. Only failure. Join me and I can complete your training. Imagine what we can accomplish in the Hollywood system. Together, we can rule the film world as total corporate sellouts. (Luke starts to tremble a bit) Yes. Your thoughts betray you. You have concern for your friends, especially for... the Critic. (Snob realizes what's happening) So, the Critic's in the hole. Your failure is now complete. Once we have him on our side, we'll turn him into the next Tommy Wiseau!

Luke: (comes out of hiding, whipping out his lightsaber) SNOB!!

Darth Snob: Aw, shit.

''They clash some more as Luke brings Snob down to the floor and knocks his lightsaber out of his hand. Luke raises his to strike him down, but he hesitates.''

Executor: (clapping) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Goood. Gooooood. This is better than Dancing With The Stars. Now, strike him down and take his place by my side.

Darth Snob: (raising his head up from off the floor) Wait, what?

Executor: Yes.

Darth Snob: Uh, that wasn't in the company contract.

Executor: Oh, come on. You know I've gone through 14 other assistants already. (to Luke) But you... you, Luke. Yes, you. I've got a feeling about this one. You're going to be my number one guy.

Luke sees Snob's empty hand, looks at his own hand and remembers that handshake from before.

Snob: (in flashback) I'll tell you what: you get my back, and I'll get yours.

Luke: No. (tosses his lightsaber aside, which apparently lands on a cat on the ship since we hear a yowl of some sort) You failed, your highness. I'm a critic. An artist... like my father before me.

Executor: Your father was just an improv comedian on Canadian television.

Luke: And Whose Line is it Anyway?!

Executor: That wasn't exactly Citizen Kane, kid.

Luke: Hey! That man did things with Richard Simmons that nobody else would do, and I'm just as brave.

Executor: (after a long, dramatic wait...) So be it... critic.

The crew struggles on the Exit Strategy as CR, JO, and Paw attempt to put together the Blue Shell.

CR: OK, JO. Uh, what wire? Red or blue?

JO: Red?

CR: Paw, go with blue.

Paw: (sighs) What angle on the sensor array?

JO: Positive 12.

CR: Negative 21.

As Terl continues gloating, Zod is seen behind him with folded arms, rolling his eyes.

Terl: Ha ha ha ha ha! Pickle me. Do I not laugh? Prick me, do I not squee?

''A screen on Terl's computer that shows the battle also says "Intruder Alert". We see a disfigured and really pissed off Mechakara roaming the halls of the ship and looking directly at the camera. Zod leaves with concern as Terl continues to laugh.''

NC: What do you mean, "reality"?

Doug: Out there is a world that has no structure, no plot, no story arcs, no themes, no purpose. (points at his computer) In this world, I've given you purpose. You have reason to exist, a point in being here. But out there, you'll be the dealer of your own destiny. Everybody's future is unknown. Just reality, the great mystery.

NC: Yeah? What happens in the story?

Doug: Then the world I've created for you and all the people in it... will disappear.

NC: How?

Doug: Every character has a purpose. If not, why would you write them? Every single detail., every single word, everything in the background all serves a greater goal. But if even one of those elements leaves, if one evolves beyond the story, then the story disappears. It's like a house of cards: You take one out, the entire thing falls apart. You're that card.

Sage enters where Film Brain and Spoony are, holding up an empty pill bottle.

Sage: Hey, do we have any more painkillers? (he suddenly notices FB hooked up and shakes him, trying to wake him) Dude! Film Brain. Film Brain! Come on, wake up!

''He looks around then takes off his hat. Meanwhile, FB is still reeling from the laser blast.''

Ma-Ti: Soon the Critic will make his choice, and I know what that will be. It'll be the choice that destroys us all. His fame will die, as will we. A useless joke long forgotten.

FB: But Ma-Ti, the Critic's changed!

Ma-Ti: You LIE!!! There's no room for change in his heart! There isn't even room for a fucking heart! The Critic is cold and HEARTLESS! Just like his friends.

FB: You think I don't understand? To be the lackey? To be the butt of everyone's jokes? For goodness sakes, I'm British! Our only contribution to culture is comedic crossdressing and spotted dick!

Ma-Ti: Yeah, that stuff's nasty.

FB: But I've seen the good in him. People can change.

Ma-Ti: Just like you will change. From living... to dead.

The Plot Hole charges up, but then the background changes to storm clouds as a figure drops in.

Ma-Ti: What?

The figure is Sage, now dressed as Tetsuo from AKIRA.

FB: Sage?

Sage: My psychic powers can't do shit in the real world; but here, it's a whole other story!

Ma-Ti: Back off, Dragon Ball Z!

Sage: (bursts out energy) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ma-Ti: (being shaken) Woah! Woah!

Sage: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ma-Ti: Wooah! Aaaaah! (He disappears)

Back on the Death Bomb.

Executor: If you'll not be turned, then you will be destroyed! (he shocks Luke with lightning bolts from his fingers; Luke drops to the ground, writhing) You cannot fight what we have bought. (Snob stands next to him and looks on) You cannot protest what we have silenced! (shocks Luke again) You will pay the price for your lack of vision. OUR vision! One vision and none other. (more shocking) Ah, made you look. (flicks a small shockwave before shocking him more at full blast)

Luke: Cinema Snob, help me!!

Executor: Now, young Mochrie... You will die.

Darth Snob: (thinking) Hmm. He did try to kill me; then again, he does have a damn good dental plan. (Executor rolls his hands gleefully while he shocks Luke, but Snob eventually decides to do the right thing) Nooooo!

He tries to pick up Executor, but he's too heavy.

Executor: Uh, what are you doing? What- stop that! This is really embarrassing for you. It's not like you can lift me. You're like 5-foot-nothing.

Darth Snob: You know something? You're right.

He turns Executor, pointing his shockwaves towards a mirror that reflects the waves right back at him.

Executor: AH!!

''Executor is hit by his own electricity, which sends him flying into a wall. Snob helps Luke up.''

Snob: Come on, kid. (takes off his helmet) Some films are worth fighting for. (the two leave the room)

The crew continues to shake in the ship as Terl continues to laugh.

Terl: Fire! Death! Burn! Bleed!

As Terl says this, Zod exits a room only to be choked by a hand.

Mechakara: Remember me?

Mechakara tosses Zod onto the guards and slams his head into the couch; Terl, meanwhile, is oblivious to all this.

Terl: All the world's a page! Our skittles now have melted, Critic!

Paw, CR, and JO continue to construct the Blue Shell.

JO: Tab A into Slot B.

CR: (to Paw) Slot A into Tab B!

Terl: You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to DIE!!!

Mickey: Shields collapsing! One more hit, and this ship is sunk!

Phelous: Doesn't anyone have any bright ideas??

Linkara: (vo) Oh, I do!

We see the front of the Exit Strategy as we zoom out to find what's coming up behind it: Comicron-1.

Linkara: Nimue. Raise the force wall. Clear the neutron blasters firing and charge the forward lance. All right, now they got something else to shoot at.

Comicron-1 fires at the house ship.

Terl: Ah. Game's a footloose, eh? Fire!

They fire a laser at Comicron-1, damaging it.

Marzgurl: Sir, Linkara's been hit!

Terl: Cry "Halibut" and let slip the cods of war!

Mechakara: (grabbing Terl by the back of his neck) Remember me? "Metal moron," I believe, were your words.

Phelous: CR, where's that damn torpedo?!

CR: (as he, Paw, and JO finish construction, he loads the weapon into the launch bay and shuts the door) Lock and load.

Phelous: (as we dramatically zoom in on his face, he quietly commands:) FIRE.

''The flying blue shell fires out and starts swerving towards the villains. They look on... and know they're whipped.''

Zod: (to Terl) Come on, let's hear it.

Terl: ...You know, for once, I got nothing. Sucks to be us.

''The Blue Shell hits dead on. setting the house ship on fire. We then cut to the Death Bomb, where the Executor stands up from being blasted with his own lightning.''

Executor: (on intercom) General Zod.

Zod: Yoo hoo!

Executor: Get down here this instant.

Zod: Uh, don't think that'll be a problem actually.

The crashing house ship is seen outside Executor's window, heading straight toward him.

Executor: ...Oh, it's just as my fortune cookie predicted.

''The house ship crashes into the Death Bomb right under the wick. Linkara, Snob, and Luke teleport onto the Exit Strategy. Both Snob and Luke look at the screen and see the crash remnants.''

Snob: Boy, did I bet on the right horse!

Terl, Zod, and Mechakara emerge from the wreckage.

Terl: (dazed) Ha, it'll take more than that to stop me!

Mechakara: Where is the Executor?

Zod: (he points to various places around them) There... and there... and there... and a little there.

SadPanda: (picking up a device found on the floor) Hey, what does this thing do? (he presses the button)

A buzzer suddenly begins going off from inside Mechakara's chest- the thermal detonator he had swallowed earlier.

Mechakara: To be...

Zod: Or not...

Terl: To BE!!!!

''The thermal detonator... detonates... setting off the Death Bomb's wick and causing a massive explosion, which destroys the entire station.''

SadPanda: Well, whatever it is, (tosses the detonator behind him) it wasn't mine.

Back with the Critic.

Doug: It's up to you, Critic. The world of endless possibilities, the great mystery... or a world where you know you have meaning and purpose. It's up to you.

''Critic stares at him before moving slowly to the door. Sage helps Film Brain up.''

Ma-Ti: It doesn't matter. You're too late. The Critic will leave us... as I knew he would.

FB: No, he's better than that.

Ma-Ti: We shall see.

''The Critic approaches the front door. He opens it to reveal a bright light and steps outside with a smile on his face to see the bright new world ahead of him. He then checks his ankle and finds no bracelet on. He prepares to step outside. Throughout this whole part, we hear Holst's "Jupiter" piece again (*The same music adapted to "I Vow to Thee, My Country")''.

Ma-Ti: And here... we... go.

''He puts his leg out in front of him but finds that something is stopping him. He holds this position for a long time. He soon sighs and puts his leg down.''

NC: Eh. It was probably just as phony anyway. (he then walks backwards and shuts the front door)

Ma-Ti: What? Impossible! It simply isn't POSSIBLE!!!

NC: (returns to the living room, to Doug's surprise, and confronts the plot hole; we can see Film Brain and Sage inside of it) Ma-Ti? I know you're in there, and I know you can hear me! I just wanted to say: I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I should've treated you like a real person, like with some respect and shit. And I didn't. I know that I made a lot of mistakes in the past.

Ma-Ti: Yeah. No shit.

NC: Dick. But hurting you was the biggest one. I know you need closure just like I need closure. So, for God's sake, Ma-Ti, let's close this fucker!

Sage: Ma-Ti, people can change. And so can you. You can make the choice to leave this place and be at peace.

FB: There's nothing more to hold onto. It's time to let go.

NC: You saved the world, Ma-Ti! You saved us all!

Ma-Ti: ...All I ever wanted was to be useful.

NC: You can be useful, Ma-Ti! You have been useful! Just see it! (pause) You did good, Ma-Ti. You did real good.

Ma-Ti: ...You're right, Critic. You and your friends. You were right about everything. ...Goodbye.

''The plot hole disappears into the image of Spoony's neck as everyone smiles with relief. Suddenly, the world darkens as shaking sounds start happening. The Plot Hole starts growing more outside the two ships.''

NC: (to Doug) What's happening?

Doug: Uh, well, since Ma-ti left, there's no one in the plot hole to keep it stable. It's totally out of control. You're kinda screwed.

NC: OK. Your story sucks!

Doug: You suck!

Sage: (pulling Film Brain away) Come on, we got to go.

FB: But what about Spoony? He'll die if we leave him!

Sage: It's too late. Come on!

FB: No!

The plot hole continues to grow out of control...

Phelous: JewWario, get us away from that thing. Maximum warp!

JewWario: I can't! We're out of mushrooms!

Phelous: Fantastic.

Back to the Critic.

NC: (to Doug) Come on, come on! Think of something!

Doug: I'm just as lost as you are. That's why it's a plot hole.

NC: You're the writer! Tell me what to do!

Doug: You're the character. You tell me what to do!

Back on the Exit Strategy.

Marzgurl: It's getting bigger!

Sage: (entering with FB) It's unstable. It's out of control.

Mickey: ...We're not gonna make it. Are we?

The Plot Hole grows closer...

NC: Well, there's got to be some way of stopping this thing. HELP ME!

Deep Voice (off-screen): Well, you know what they say: If you can't beat them, join them.

''The Gort spaceman teleports in. He takes off his helmet revealing... ...The Angry Video Game Nerd!''

Nerd: That's right- It was me the whole time!

NC: (not suprised) Oh.

Nerd: ...Oh? What do you mean "Oh?!"

NC: Well, I think the audience figured it out pretty early. I mean, who else could it be?

Nerd: (flabbergasted) It could've been anybody! Like, maybe... LordKat?

NC: Oh, please, in that outfit?

Nerd: All right, smart ass. Well, how do you expect to fix the situation, then?

NC: ...Kay, that I don't know.

Nerd: All right, well, good luck with that. (starts to put his helmet back on)

NC: No, wait, wait, wait! (Nerd takes his helmet off again) Do you have any pointers?

Nerd: Well, if you can't shrink it...

NC: (realizing) That's it... If you can't beat it, then... I need a radio. Can you get me a line to Earth?

Nerd: Sure. Radio Dead Air. Do you copy?

Sure enough, at his post is...

Nash: Operator. I mean- This is Nash, ready to assist you.

NC: Nash, I need you to transmit a message to... the universe.

Nash: OK, well, I could, yeah, um... but I got a Hot Pocket in the oven, so...

NC: Just DO IT!

Nash: All right, Jeez! (turns on his camera, which says "Live to the World") Dick.

NC: Right. People of the World. Critics everywhere! There's only one way to officially stop this thing once and for all: we have to make the plot hole bigger!

The Crew: ...WHAT?

NC: You heard me! It feeds on things that don't make sense. I want you to point out every inconsistency, every film flub, every mistake that has never made sense to you in your entire life! And it doesn't have to be movies. Every mystery, every bitter confusion, every little thing that has never made sense to you, every lack of logic! Shout it! Shout it as loud as you can! Trust me! It's the only way!

Linkara: (pause) In Justice League: Cry for Justice, why did they put Prometheus' helmet back on? That's the source of all his power!

Phelous: Why is it that when Kevin Baugh's hitting people with swords, I pop out from behind the shed...?

Everyone starts discussing various things- not only those aboard the ship, but everyone, everywhere...

Dena: The Silent Hill movie?

Blockbuster Buster: Oh my God, in Spider-Man 3, when the butler comes out of nowhere...

Dena: What is up with that Underground Cult fire?

Blockbuster Buster: ...it was the Green Goblin all along!

MikeJ: That wasn't a ghost in Three Men and a Baby!

Blockbuster Buster: I mean, the butler had like one minute of screen time!

MikeJ: It was a cardboard cut out!

Y Ruler of Time: Mr. Miyagi says that...

Smarty: Well, there was Dragon Wars when...

Y Ruler: ...lost in the second movies...

Smarty: ...armed during one of the big fight scenes in the middle of the film...

Bjork (Victoria Turner): I believe in Santa Christ! ...Wait...

Chester A. Bum: Why is it CR says he can only beam out two people when later he clearly beams out three?

MegaGWolf: Why is called American Football when they primarily use their hands??

''Everyone's voices start reverberating all over the city and all over the globe. The plot hole approaches the ships as the crew watch on the bridge with concern.''

JO: (vo) I guess this is it...

Luke: (to the group at large) Hey, remember your first review?

FB: Mine was Equilibrium.

Sage: That wasn't smart.

FB: No. The fanbase absolutely hated it...

Snob: I liked it.

Todd: Blah Blah Blah by Kesha was mine.

Marzgurl: The Last Unicorn.

NChick: Pocahontas.

Joe: I don't even remember my first review. I just remember being really angry, and loving every minute of it.

Linkara: Hey, remember the Man Who Fell to Earth review? That was brilliant!

Oancitizen: Thanks. Alone in the Dark was pretty good, too.

Lupa: That was a great crossover.

Mickey: So was this.

Phelous: For the Bothans.

Everyone: For the Bothans!

''Epic music starts to play as the two ships head into the plot hole. Everyone watches nervously. Todd and Lupa hold hands. NC and Nerd watch as the Exit Strategy goes through.''

NC: My God... What have I done?

Nerd: What you had to do, Critic. Like you always do. Turn death... into another chance to blow shit up.

NC: Well, I guess this is it. (Nerd nods) So, where did you get that device to communicate with JO and CR?

Nerd: Stole it from Insano.

NC: Pft. Of course. Guess he was good for something.

Nerd: Hm. Yeah.

They both shake hands.

NC: See you on the other side, man.

Nerd: Nice working with you, Critic.

''He puts his helmet back on and teleports out. Critic approaches the Plot Hole as it starts to pound again.''

NC: (vo) Somebody has to merge with it. Somebody has to keep it safe.

''He punches the plot hole as it starts to bond with him as Doug looks on. A bright light starts surrounding the entire world. Finally, the Nostalgia Critic fully merges with the plot hole and disintegrates. A blinding light brings us to an open field where the rest of the critics, all out of costume, stand up confused.''

FB: Where are we?

Snob: We're back on Earth. This is where Ma-Ti fought Malachite- where the Critic started this whole mess.

JewWario: Is there any sign of Spoony?

NChick: No...

Sage: (somber) I guess he didn't make it.

''Film Brain looks saddened. Suddenly, Christmas bells are heard.''

Luke: What the hell?

A blinding explosion occurs and the critics see something in the distance.

Santa Christ: Ho ho ho ho ho!

Mickey: Santa Christ!!

Marzgurl: What are you doing here? (Oancitizen is confused beyond belief, mouthing "What the fuck...?")

Santa Christ: Well, I was making my toys up in North Jerusalem when I heard a knock on the door. Now I'm not sure where it came from, but the name tag said "To Santa Christ, From The Nostalgia Critic." Tell me- Do you know who this is?

A figure wearing a white sheet behind him reveals himself to be Spoony.

FB and Sage: Spoony!

Santa Christ: Oh ho ho ho ho!

Film Brain and Sage run over to Spoony.

Spoony: Santa Christ tells me you all risked your lives to come save me, but why would you do this? It is illogical.

Sage: Because the needs of the plot outweighs the needs of the logic. Hey, I am good at this!

FB: Don't you remember?

Spoony: Remember. Remember. (To Film Brain) Clarence. Your name is Clarence.

Santa Christ: ...Close enough! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Spoony reunites with everyone, with the "I Vow to Thee My Country" music playing again.

JewWario: But, but Santa Christ, I don't get it- How did we get here?

Dr. Insano: (emerging from behind Santa) I can answer that one.

Lupa: Dr. Insano! We thought we'd never see you again!

SadPanda: Some of us hoped we'd never see you again.

Insano: Well, you can't keep a good mad scientist down.

JO: But how is that possible? I thought the plot hole destroyed everything.

Insano: No! It merely swallowed everything!

CR: But, but I don't understand.

Insano: The plot hole created havoc because we used to live in a universe that made sense, but now the hole is the universe, there is no conflict!

JO: But that doesn't make any sense.

Insano: Nothing does! Isn't it great? Crazy is the new normal!

CR: But, but what about the inconsistencies?

Insano: Oh well, there will always be inconsistencies. More plot holes to find, but it's the little surprises that make life worth living! So celebrate them. Enjoy them. Without them, life would be boring!

Luke: But I don't want to live in a giant mistake.

Insano: Well, tough shit! Nothing's perfect, kid. Your movie's just begun, just like all of ours, so make it a good one, mistakes and all.

FB: So that's it? You just hitched a ride here to give us this giant plot dump?

Insano: Well, there's that, and ... (Points a machine gun at them) GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF!

The Exit Strategy flies off into the sunset.

Luke: Well, I guess that's that.

Spoony: (To Luke) John!

SadPanda: Well, what do we do now?

Voice: Well...

The critics look behind them to see...

AskThatGuy: My place isn't too far away from here. You know what that means?

Snob: Big, low-budget, independent film Coke party!

Cut to AskThatGuy's house where rock music is heard and everyone is partying in the basement, including a shirtless Mickey.

Todd: You know, I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.

Lupa: Yeah. (She waves at Phelous who waves back)

Todd: Yeah. Something beautiful.

JO: Hey, hold on just a second, yeah. (On the phone) Uh, hey Nash. Hey, hey hon. You know what, I will be- I will be home very soon. You know what, when I get back, we'll watch some Cowboy Bebop together. How's that sound? Yeah. I know you don't like the Edward episodes, but you know what, that's Ok. We can skip those. (Turns to her side to reveal red highlights in her hair) Edward doesn't need to watch Edward on TV!! (Back to normal) What? No. What, What did I say? I didn't say anything.

Linkara: (To NChick) So you think you'll ever find true love again?

NChick: I don't see that happening at the moment. I really got to stop chasing all these jerks who just reject me anyway. (Joe flaunts his Superman shirt next to her and put his arm around her) Uh, as if!

Joe: Bitch! (walks away)

NChick: (suddenly interested) ...Hey... (Goes after him)

Snob: (To Luke, after putting cocaine on his teeth) OK, so if we're going to do this movie, we need 20 confederate soldiers to wear zombie make-up and 20 women to wear nothing.

Luke: Yes, sir!

''Snob motions to Mickey to dance. Film Brain looks off to the side. The spirit of the Nostalgia Critic appears, followed by The Last Angry Geek, followed by... Hayden Christensen? They look confused, but LAG shrugs. Sage pats Film Brain on the shoulder as they leave. The three spirits disappear. We then leave the critics as we move into space one more time. The plot hole comes in view.''

NC / The Plot Hole: I... am the Nostalgia Critic.

The end credits roll as we watch some more takes from Rob Walker as the Executor.

Executor: Oh, it's just as my fortune cookie predicted. I can't believe my hairstylist predicted this. And here I thought it was going to be throat cancer. Oh, grape nuts. Oh, I wish there some way to blame this on pirates. Well, at least he's punctual. I always knew I'd go out like the Wizard of Oz. Mommy! The only thing I regret is the series of events that lead me to this moment. And here I thought it was going to be natural causes. Houses. Why did it have to be houses? Really? I'm going out like this. My psychic predicted the housing market would crash, but I never figured it would fall on me. Hey, I think that's my time share. Oh, hey look. It's the plant in the corner. Oh, I didn't foresee this. Oh, wait. There it is. Crush my house. Still got it. Oh poop. My sister always said I would have a house drop on my head. If they make a movie about me, I want myself played by Anthony Hopkins. Silence of the Lambs. Really. Good stuff. Remains of the Day. Did you see that one? Marvelous. Marvelous. Good bye. If they make a movie about me, I want my part played by Will Smith. ''Independence Day. ''Doesn't get any better. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to ''MIB3. ''True, you couldn't get Tommy Lee Jones, but he looks about 112 now. He looks older than me. It's gonna be good. See it. Goodbye. Well, at least I go out looking gorgeous. *smiles*

He and Doug laugh as the credits finish.

In an after credits scene, That Sci-Fi Guy emerges from the rubble of his destroyed house.

That Sci-Fi Guy: Ah, man! The land lord is gonna be pissed...

The new Channel Awesome logo closes us out.

The End.