MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time X

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): You know, I may have been a bit too harsh with The Land Before Time IX and all of its CGI. Really, it's not so bad, not in comparison to this monstrosity! No, this one absolutely takes the cake, it's absolutely everywhere and completely unavoidable. But my apologies, I'm already jumping the gun, I haven't even begun introducing us to this beast yet. So here's our opening, and geez, this is it, you guys, it's been ten movies and they really want you to know it. I mean, look how big the number 10 is, look how bright red everything is. Anyway, here's our typical opening narration.

Narrator: Though very different from us in many ways, these ancient giants resembled us in some ways, too. They ate, they fought, they played, they slept...sometimes perhaps, they even dream.

MarzGurl (vo): Okay, I get it, dinosaurs function just like we do, you don't have to list everything they do. Next, you're going to tell us that they poop and have sex like us, too. So Littlefoot has this ominous dream of some variety, and oh, Lord, there's that god awful 3D effect I was talking about, and this is just the beginning. So longnecks are floating around everywhere and the sky gets real bright or something and then he wakes up. Well, apparently, he's not the only one having this dream, his grandma and grandpa have the same dream.

Grandpa Longneck: I think this feeling has something to do with the sleep stories I've been having.

MarzGurl (vo): Weird name, it almost makes me think they're watching soap operas in their sleep. They tell him that this means they'll be going on an adventure soon. I just want to know...why? The narrator was trying to tell us that dinosaurs do a lot of the same things we do. How often do people have the exact same dream? How often do all those people decide to get up and go wandering aimlessly into the middle of nowhere together at the exact same time because of said dream?

(Footage from the first Land Before Time is shown)

MarzGurl (vo): You know, I've really grown to dislike all the mysticism surrounding The Land Before Time movies now. There was hardly a touch of mysticism in the first movie, what with Littlefoot occasionally hearing the loving voice of his mother, but she was mostly saying the exact same things to him that she'd said while she was still alive, but this movie, mystical dreams, previous movies with space aliens who can poof wherever they want whenever they want to make green food appear out of nowhere? This is getting all a bit too weird for my tastes.

(More clips from The Land Before Time X are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): Anyway, this actually marks the first movie where Littlefoot goes on a separate adventure from his other four friends in his group. He tells his friends that he'll be leaving with his family and that it's probably only a longneck thing. Actually, he does more than just tell them, he sings it to them.

Littlefoot: (singing) I'm going to go adventuring

Petrie and Ducky: (spoken) Adventuring?

Cera: (spoken) Adventuring?

Littlefoot: (singing) I'm going to go adventuring, and who knows what I'll find?

MarzGurl (vo): So off he goes right alongside his grandma and grandpa. You know, here's a question: I thought everybody was escaping to the Great Valley because the outside world was simply changing too greatly and becoming far too perilous. It was, like, this was the time when Pangaea was breaking up and we might have been coming across the early setting of the Ice Age. Why, then, does this Mysterious Beyond look pretty darn beautiful and slightly less than perilous, aside from the occasional crocodile trying to snatch up Littlefoot, of course, but that's just to be expected, right? Speaking of the croc, Littlefoot gets saved from it by a much larger longneck named Sue, and guess what? She's been having the same dream, too, and thus begins the major joining together of other longnecks from all corners of the globe to God knows where. Ohhh, good Lord, how much awful CGI can they shove in?! The other kids can't stand that Littlefoot got to go on an adventure without them, so they venture forth after him on their own.

Cera: (Land Before Time II) What could go wrong?

MarzGurl (vo): What could go wrong, really? See, they end up in that swamp Littlefoot nearly got eaten in, and the kids almost become a meal themselves, but not before the most awkward and unnecessary conversation ever written.

Cera: But I'm not sure which rock to step on next. This one's closer, but it looks sorta slippery.

Ducky: That one is farther away, so you might not make it. You would step in the icky goo again and that is bad.

Petrie: But if she slip on close one, she maybe fall in all the way, and that may be worser. Me think she can get to farther one, she good jumper.

Ducky: I am not saying she is not, but what about if that rock is as icky and slimey as this one?

Petrie: (gasps while Cera growls) No think of that!

Ducky: You have to think of everything when you're in an icky, gooey place like this.

Petrie: Oooh, that very good point, but which rock next?

MarzGurl (vo): You see, even the crocodile got sick of hearing it after awhile. Petrie, despite being a flyer, manages to be eaten, but is saved completely by accident when Cera conveniently breaks what is obviously a very flimsy tree and it hits the croc over the head, good going. The gang rests for the night at a boulder which everyone watching the movie can tell immediately is not a boulder. We don't find out until the next morning, however that this isn't just any not- boulder, it's a Sharptooth. Okay seriously, does anybody really believe that the Sharptooth wouldn't have noticed the kids for the ENTIRE night, or that the kids would somehow wake up before he did when he was obviously sleeping there long before they were? After hiding in a small cave, they lose the Sharptooth and instead cross paths with an old buck-toothed longneck by the name of Pat. Quite honestly, this might be the coolest guy in the whole movie. He's about the equivalent of a 16-year-old man who can still get around just fine and is cool to all the youngsters he stumbles across. I like this guy, but Cera tells him that they're fine on their own, so he takes off. Geez, Cera, don't you know a cool guy when you see one? Going back to Littlefoot and the army of longnecks sliding down CGI hills as if they were on roller coaster tracks, we find that they're here, wherever here is. Looks like their goal was to reach some random crater in the middle of nowhere.

Littlefoot: But what could make a hole this big?

MarzGurl (vo): It's implied that the sun, at some point, had fallen from the sky and made the hole; in fact, Pat later confirms this story, suggesting that longnecks once saved the world by standing in one location and holding the sun up on top of their heads. Yeah, I'm sure they did, and I'm sure the sun totally caused this crater. Okay look, I know these are dinosaurs who are running on old fantastical myths and legends, but just think about the audacity of it all.

(A photo of the sun and Earth is shown from outer space)

MarzGurl (vo): I mean, first of all, just how big is the sun? Well, for one thing, it holds 1,300,000 Earths, so yeah, I'm going to say that something a lot smaller hit the earth there.

(A labeled diagram of the Sun is shown) 

MarzGurl (vo): Secondly, just how hot is the sun? Well, just away from the surface, it's 6,000 degrees Kelvin; inside at the core, it's 14,500,000 degrees Kelvin. You know what? Yeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that no longneck ever saved the Earth from the sun falling from the sky.

(Back to clips from the movie)

MarzGurl (vo): But hey, you know, whatever, the simple-minded ones want to believe that's their prerogative. Oh, now here's where things get interesting. Littlefoot stumbles across this jerk kid named Shorty, and when I say stumble, I mean that literally, like Shorty trips Littlefoot on purpose. That's when a longneck named Bron, and get it? Bron, because he's a Brontasaurus? Whatever, the joke doesn't work because Brontosauruses don't actually exist. Anyway, Bron shows up and gently scolds Shorty. This is when we learn through Grandma and Grandpa that Bron is Littlefoot's dad. Really, Universal, really? Ten movies in and now you want to introduce us to Littlefoot's dad? Okay, so what excuse does Bron have for not being in Littlefoot's life for the last nine movies?

Bron: Your mother and I knew we were going to have a hatchling.

Bron (vo): See, we wanted to raise you in a safe place. So before you were even an egg, I went off to find a new home for all of us. When I got back, the earthshakes had changed everything. It took me so long to find where the nest had been; nothing was left, but a crack in the earth as deep as a mountain is high. As I searched for your mother and the young one I knew had been born, the great circle rose and fell many times, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

Bron: I finally met someone who told me about...about your mom and a Sharptooth, but he had no word about you, so I kept searching.

Bron (vo): And then one day, I met a group of young longnecks wandering in the wilderness, with no grownups to protect them. At first, I hoped one of them was you. I soon realized that wasn't the case. They came to depend on me, so I stayed with them, took care of them. And then, some others joined up with us, and some more and some more. In time, we were a herd.

Littlefoot: You mean, you're-you're the leader of a whole herd?

Bron: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

MarzGurl (vo): Okay, okay, I guess I can understand that. Wait, no! No, no, no, no, don't sugarcoat this! Don't try to soften it for me! I realize he said he was going out to make a place for his family, and when he came back, Littlefoot's mom was gone, but really, did he really have to leave her? My guess is when he says he wasn't even an egg yet, then Littlefoot's mom was one of two things: pregnant or planning for parenthood. If she was pregnant, he should've stayed with her, after all, I didn't see anything wrong with the place they were living in previously until the landscape changed. If she wasn't pregnant, then why couldn't she have just traveled with him? You know, because I wouldn't say to my significant other, "Why don't you go find us a house? I don't need to see it or inspect it before I get there, just get it for us and I'll settle there." Either way, it didn't make sense to separate. After that, he gets back to the same place where he'd left Littlefoot's mom, and she's gone and he was never able to find her nor Littlefoot. Um, why not? Did he not know about the Great Valley? Seems like everybody was headed that way to me, why would he have not thought to start heading for the Great Valley when he found his loved ones weren't there when he left them? I mean, c'mon, it's not like the directions to the Great Valley were all that hard. Let's see, how did it go again?

Littlefoot's mom: The bright circle must pass over us many times, and we must follow it each day to where it touches the ground. / Past the great rock that looks like a longneck, and past the mountains that burn.

MarzGurl (vo): So okay, go West everyday, pass a dinosaur-shaped rock, and pass some volcanoes. Those directions aren't hard! They're so easy that even Littlefoot was able to figure it out pretty much entirely on his own. If Bron never found Littlefoot, it's because he never tried, and even once Bron got himself to become the leader of a whole herd, why would he not then take that herd to the Great Valley? Isn't it supposed to be this amazing utopia? Does he not want to make sure all the orphan longnecks grow up safely? What's with this guy?! Littlefoot has fallen into his deadbeat dad's lies! No matter, because he's plenty happy about it, and now he's going to sing for us.

Littlefoot: (singing) It's nice to have a dad that you could be with

Bron: Hah!

Littlefoot: (singing) To share a part of each and everyday / Who you can talk and joke and play and eat a tree with / Who wants to hear the things you have to say

MarzGurl (vo): Back with Pat and the rest of the four friends-oh yeah, because they all agreed to let Pat help them go get Littlefoot-Pat finishes telling the kids about how longnecks totally held up the sun in the sky on top of their heads when he accidentally burns the living hell out of his foot by stepping into lava. Wait, wait, wait, why did he think it was ever a good idea to lead a group of kids through lava? Was there really no other way to get there? I mean, Littlefoot's family passed through that swamp earlier, the same one the rest of the kids passed through, but I don't recall any of the other longnecks passing through dangerous, actively volcanic territory, but despite the fact that Pat took them through the obviously dangerous territory, the kids refuse to leave him and his seared foot behind, so even though he's now slow and a liability, they decide to stick with him, good job. Back in that hole that the sun totally hit when it hit the earth, Littlefoot is feeling torn between his new family and his old family. This is when he sees Shorty stumble off on his own outside the crater and Littlefoot pursues him. Turns out, Shorty is kinda jealous of Littlefoot since now he's taking all of Bron's attention after all this time, after all, Shorty had been with Bron for much longer, but Littlefoot knows exactly how to fix this.

Littlefoot: I-I thought, maybe, we could be, like...you know, like brothers.

MarzGurl (vo): And...it was that easy! Not a single other sentence had to be exchanged, now Shorty is all smiles and they walk back together as if they're going to go share some ice cream, but those smiles are interrupted by a Sharptooth! Luckily, this is the exact moment when the other kids and Pat show up. Pat distracts him while the kids head for the crater. Another Sharptooth shows up and Littlefoot's dad jumps in for the rescue. The fight continues, but suddenly, all the longnecks in the crater start lining up staring into the sky like mindless drones hoping to be teleported back up to their mothership, and then in all the excitement, the Sharptooths are also bewildered with whatever the hell is going on, too bewildered to eat, in fact. This even gets them to take off running. Now at first, everything may seem super mystical, but to me, it just seems like an incredibly convenient series of events. The longnecks may think that they're saving the world by holding the sun up in the sky on top of their heads, but from what I see, it just looks like a bunch of natural occurrences going on all at once. I mean, look at this, we have the early beginnings of a possible tornado, a solar eclipse, an electrical storm, a meteor shower, and an Aurora Borealis all at the same time. Quite frankly, these things happening all at once would be what freaks me out the most, not the concern that the sun was going to fall from the sky and that I might have to catch it with my face, but it all kind of ends all at once and the longnecks take the credit for saving the world. Now Littlefoot is faced with an entirely new problem, whether or not to stay with his dad rather than going back to the Great Valley with his friends and family, and oh, dear God, the awful CGI is back!

Petrie: (singing) Sometimes, friends have to leave, it very sad, but true / But this, me do believe, friends still a part of you

MarzGurl (vo): Uh, I have a question, why not bring your dad and his herd back with you to the Great Valley? Anyway, he confronts his dad who's excited to spend time with his son, but Littlefoot decides against going back with him. His dad is utterly heartbroken. Wait, no, he can't be, how could he be? You know, this problem would be really easy to solve, bring your herd to the Great Valley! Seriously, your herd will love you, you will get to be with your son! Is there some reason why you can't go to the Great Valley?

Bron: Hey, who knows? One of these days, I might drag my whole herd over to the Great Valley for a visit.

MarzGurl (vo): If you can visit the Great Valley, why can't you stay in the Great Valley?! Geez, somebody remind me why Bron was introduced to the series, please, because it seems pretty pointless to me. It would have been a lot better if we could have just assumed that Littlefoot never had a dad ever! No, really, I maybe would have preferred it that way! And the movie ends on more awful CGI effects as Littlefoot, his friends and his family all walk back to the Great Valley together.

What more can I say about this movie? A legend about longnecks sharing the same dream and saving the earth from the falling sun is pretty bizarre, the CGI effects are awful as usual, and no matter how nicely they tried to write Littlefoot's dad, I will never be tricked into believing he was destined to be a great father, because it seems like there were choices he could've made that never even crossed his mind. Really, Littlefoot's dad never needed to get introduced, and this is just another nail in the coffin that is The Land Before Time movie series. At least we're nearing the end of this horrendous series of movies, but this is when we need to hold on to hope the most. It's time to push on forward and through.

(The credits are shown)