Nimrods Are Forever

(We do the usual opening, though with a different version of the usual theme song, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, this video marks the 50th I've produced, and the 25th episode of our strange and soul killing commentary on the human condition. We've laughed. We've cried. We've cried. We've cried. Okay, seriously, I think Kleenex should be sponsoring me at this point. And even after all this time, we as a species keep finding new ways to reach new lows. My job security is directly tied to the myriad ways in which my fellow man alarm and confuse me, and I'm probably the only person on the planet looking forward to Alzheimer's. So this week, we're going to be looking at another cross-section of the crazy. A special collection of the absolute best of the absolute worst. This would normally be the part in the episode where I'd elaborate, but that doesn't work as we don't have a specific theme this week. So it looks like it's time for another Great Moment In Stupid History.

(We come to our cartoon of the episode, "Great Moments In Stupid History")

Nash (vo): This little slice of no-shit-there-I-was comes from my hometown of Charleston, South Carolina. It's a tale of two great and immortal institutions of this fair town. The first is the Citadel, one of only six military academies like it in the United States. The Citadel has a long and proud history (Stick Boy in a naval cap) of training future officers of the Armed Forces. (Stick Boy salutes) But most of you are probably only familiar with the name due to newspapers in the 90s covering it's chronic vaginaphobia. The second institution is the Coburg Dairy, and more specifically, the Coburg Cow. Installed in 1959, the rotating bovine has been one of Charleston's most recognized landmarks. Which...tells you a lot about Charleston. So what brings together a grand military academy and a piece of chintzy Americana? Well it seems among seniors preparing to graduate from the Citadel, there is, I promise you this is absolutely true, (Stick Boy is shown riding on the Coburg Cow) a rite of passage involving scaling the sign and riding the damn cow. And since nobody would be caught dead doing this sober, this task is usually undertaken (a bottle of alcohol appears in Stick Boy's hand) blind, stinking drunk. All well and good until a cadet fell from the cow a full one and a half stories, (Stick Boy falls off the cow) breaking his damn fool head, though...he survived. (Stick Boy raises the bottle in triumph) As a result, the cow now bears a sign (arrow pointing to the warning sign) that reads, roughly, "Warning! Do not ride the cow, you fucking nimrod or you will break your idiot skull!" (the last few lines not read are "Did your mom live under power lines or something?" Next clip is of a guy riding the rotating cow) But, even clearly marked, to this day cadets still attempt this most bizarre of all rodeos. Your future military leaders, America.

Nash: Well, now that I've managed to enrage the local military academy, let's dive into the stupid, stupid news. Our first story this week comes from good old Port Richey, Florida, where instead of receiving gifts on his birthday, a 64-year old man decided to give a gift to local children. A gift...of nudity. Wow, we are not fucking around this week, are we?

(The report is titled "Pasco man, 64, accused of flashing school bus")

Nash (vo): Jack Snyder decided cause it was his birthday, it was okay to be naked. So when a school bus passed him on the street, he decided his best option here was to drop trou, and vigorously shake his hips at the young whippersnappers.

(A clip from the Simpsons shows up of an old guy dancing around with his pants around his ankles)

Old man: The old gray mare/She ain't what she used to be/Ain't what she used to be/Ain't what she used to be

Nash: You! Are! 64-years old! You saw man land on the moon! The Vietnam War! Watergate! Gary Glitter! Bad example! Look, my point is when you have been on this planet for almost seven decades, you've been here long enough to learn the rules. One of which is "don't show your junk to children!" And no, "because it's your birthday" is not a good excuse for public exposure! Why is this so hard?! (realizes what he said) Not what I meant! Moving on. It's off to San Francisco, California, where three teens had a horrifying encounter when the world of the living collided with the world...of a guy masturbating in the closet!

(The report is titled "Stranger Discovered Pleasing Self In Teen's Bedroom")

Nash (vo): When the three youngsters heard deathly moaning in the night, they first thought they were being visited by a free floating, full torsoed apparition. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that it was only 28-year old Tyler Brown naked and masturbating in a closet! Because who hasn't made that mistake?

Nash: Well, maybe that's what ghosts do sound like?

(A medium is on stage talking to an audience while the background noise is of a ghost moaning while jerking off sounds are heard)

Nash: Okay, maybe not. What the fuck is wrong with this guy!? There's a time and a place for all things! A time to be born, a time to die. A time to reap, a time to sow. But the place to do your reaping and sowing is not in a stranger's closet! And, what's more, when you do so with such vigor and energy that you are mistaken for a howling messenger from the beyond, you're going to be noticed! And arrested! From there, if you do any more moaning, I'm not sure it's gonna be in ecstacy! Let's get away from the naked man jerking off in the closet...and move on to our next story. You know, I like my Irishmen like I like my coffee: covered in bees! Worst...segue...ever.

(The report is titled "IRISHMAN STUNG IN MIDNIGHT BRUSH WITH BEES")

Nash (vo): After a night at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, Irish expatriate and amateur beekeeper Andrew Short decided it was time to transfer a hive of 8,000 bees to the roof of his home. And it might have worked out fine, save for the fact that Short was, in technical terms, completely shitfaced.

(The Chicken Dance comes on)

Nash: Once again, it's time to do the math. This, (Bottles of various alcoholic drinks are shown), plus this, (a beekeeper taking out a hive of bees) equals fucking this! (The bee mask scene from the Wicker Man remake is shown) Because Short was drunk, he had not properly secured his beekeeping outfit. And also because he was drunk, he managed to shake the hive like a Polaroid picture. And, yet again, because he was drunk, he managed to do all this while halfway up a ladder! Anyone else seeing a pattern here? Well so is he. A pattern of 60 bee stings along his upper body and face. What the fuck!? Is drinking and driving not dangerous enough anymore? Now it's drinking and beekeeping? What's next, drinking and trying to fuck a bear? (the Bearfucker scene from Super Troopers is shown) I should not use words. Next up, we head to Portland, Oregon, where one man has accomplished the impossible: taking porn to a new low.

(The report is titled "DUII Driver Plows Through Crime Scene Tape")

Nash (vo): Police found Kevin Signalness drunk behind the wheel of a car. Of a stolen car. Of a stolen car he crashed into a crime scene where a 14-year old was shot! But, that's not all! When they pried his gigantic, sneering forehead off the dashboard, they discovered his pants unzipped, and a porn magazine laying in the passenger seat.

(Nash is preparing for a douchequake)

Nash: Oh no! Look out! It's a douchequa--what? (talking to someone off camera) What's that? Uh huh. Oh! Oh. Oh, okay okay. (back to the audience) Uh, folks, I'm, uh, I'm being informed that due to the massive earthquake in Japan, uh, we here at What The Fuck Is Wrong With You have decided that it's time to retire the douchequake.

(Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" is played as clips of previous douchequakes are shown in tribute. Douchequake! 2010-2011)

Nash: (voice breaking) We'll miss you douchequake. (getting back to normal) Anyway, back to the story. What the sweet and sour fuck is wrong with you?! I mean, aside from the fact that you (the mugshot of the guy in question is shown) look like you share DNA with a potato, (back to Nash) you have used up all the wrong! It's all gone, there is no more wrong left! Because of you, I'm serious, because of you, this morning, Donald Trump actually started speaking sensibly! That's how much of a wrong shortage there is! I don't know what you were attempting to accomplish, but I do know one thing: If you are trying to find out whether or not Hell has an express lane, you are well on your way to finding out! But, just wait. We've got one more this week, and it's a doozy. Batshit crazy? You're soaking in it! Literally!

(The report is titled "Man high on bath salts thought he was being chased by electricity during burglary, police say")

Nash (vo): From East Hanover, Pennsylvania, Seth Thomas Sanders took a relatively new drug, a synthetic methamphetamine that's sold as, I shit you not, bath salts. He then undertook a rampage that led him to abandon his car, break into a house, then a garage, then run down the highway and jump onto the hood of two cars, one of them a marked police cruiser. And why? Because, and I'm freaking quoting here, "he thought his car was melting, and that electricity was following him."

Nash: Wow. This...wow. I mean, I know we have managed to mix drugs into just about every other damn thing on earth, but bath salts? Seriously? Were the whip-its just not giving him the rush he was looking for anymore? or maybe it's a, it's a subtle plot to trick methheads into bathing more often. I'm not sure, but whatever it is, holy fuck! Will people even remember crack anymore?

(A clip from Pee-Wee's anti-drug ad is shown)

Pee-Wee Herman: This is crack.

Nash: Yes yes, thank you, Pee-Wee. Anyway, how high do you have to be to think that electricity is chasing you? It's insentient! It doesn't bear a grudge! It's fucking electricity! I mean, look! (he reaches down and takes out a cable) I can take this a/c cable, and I can smack it around, (smacking his hand with the cable) and the electricity won't get ma--! (a bolt of lightning comes out, then zaps by him, making him duck) Oh, fuck me! (he gets electrocuted by the lightning)

(We are experiencing technical difficulties. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up)

Nash: Uh, yes. So that happened. Um, on the downside, I can't remember 1999. But on the upside, I am looking forward to seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time. Well, as this is our 25th episode, we're gonna do something a little special and open up to some viewer questions about the show, how we do things. You know, stuff you're curious about. So, let's get to our first question.

(The questions are read like they're from Ask That Guy With The Glasses. The first one is "What kind of camera do you use?")

Nash: Nice! Well, uh, I use a Canon HV20. Um, it's a little older and it uses, uh, mini-dv tapes as opposed to flash memory, but, as you can see, we do get a nice picture out of it.

("I noticed your guitar in episode 17. What kind is it?")

Nash: (taking out his guitar) Well, this is Laura. Um, she's a custom Stratocaster I actually built myself. Uh, she's got parts from a couple different Strats, uh, for example, the neck here is from a 1985 Japanese, uh, contemporary Stratocaster. Um, and the pickups are from--

(Space Guy interrupts)

SG: Boring!

Nash: What?

SG: Boring! Yawn! Snoozeville! No one cares about this, man! Get to the good questions!

Nash: (Putting away Laura) What good questions?

SG: You know, the juicy ones! The fun ones! Not the ones about your...strange, little, wooden, wire contraption thingie.

Nash: Okay, yeah I put a filter on the questions because I didn't think some of them would be appropriate for the show. I mean, they can ask--

SG: Well there you are! Turn that off and let's get to some good stuff here!

Nash: Okay. Fine! (Nash takes his phone out and presses some buttons) It's off. Let's see what comes up next.

("What is Space Guy's real name?")

SG: That's a very good question.

Nash: Hey

SG: What?

Nash: Can we not completely rip off That Guy With The Glasses here? Please?

SG: Touché. Well, in answer to that, my name is actually a very complex sequence of multifrequency tones. The best approximation of which I can manage for human ears would be, let me see...

(He then proceeds to speak his true name which is quite understandably unintelligible. We get a clip from Big Trouble In Little China where Thunder's (I think) head swells up before he explodes, a robot's head exploding from the movie Scanners, the screen goes into negative colors, and the other head exploding scene from Scanners. You know the one. Nash is stunned silent by this) Yes.

("How did you and Stickboy meet?")

Nash: (Stick Boy is next to Nash) Why don't I let him field that one? Stick Boy, how did we meet?

(Stick Boy ponders, then it cuts to a swampy scene with Nash scared for his life, Stick Boy holding a katana and wearing a viking helmet. Frogs are heard ribbiting and the Flash Gordon theme playing in the background)

Nash: Oh Stick Boy! We have a million frog demons between us and the palace! You must defeat them all, and I will cower along with you as your sidekick! And then, I will weep softly while you make love to Princess Spacehooters!

(Back in reality)

Nash: Okay, and now for the non-fiction version.

(Nash and Stick Boy are in the park, SB holding a sign saying "Will debase self for food.")

Nash: You, uh, want a job?

(Back in the present, Stick Boy is mad and flips him off, his hand being censored)

Nash: Classy.

("Arlo appears to be wearing a military shirt. What branch and rank is he?")

Arlo: Why thank you for noticing!

Nash: Uh, that wasn't the question. The question is, what branch did you get your uniform from.

Arlo: (looks at the stripe on his shirt) The Army!

Nash: Aren't those stripes from the Marines?

Arlo: Salvation Army.

Nash: Explains so much.

Arlo: What?

Nash: Nothing!

("Do you pitch or catch?")

Nash: Well I usually tend to--(catches onto the question) excuse me, what?

("Have you accepted Augustus Gloop as your personal lord and savior?")

SG: That's a rather personal question.

("Do you put it in the pooper?")

Nash: Yeah! I mean, yeah it's a personal question! Not do I put it in the poo--

("I have ten million cats. Would you like to eat them?")

Arlo: Would I!

SG: What's going on?

Nash: Hey, you were the one with the bright idea to turn the filter off!

(Bring back Crystal Pepsi!")

SG: Well turn it back on!

Nash: (pressing buttons on his phone) I'm trying! It's not working!

("Do you suck dicks?")

SG: What the hell kind of computer are you using, a PS3?

Nash: Oh ha ha, really topical. I suppose you could do better?

("Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!")

Arlo: Would I!

SG: Computer, make this stop!

Computer: Ackowledged. Activating Ultimate Nullifier.

SG: Uh-oh!

Nash: Uh-oh?

("It puts the lotion in the basket. It does this when it's told.")

SG: Well, um, when I said, um, make "this" stop, I think the, uh, computer interpreted my command a little broadly.

Nash: How broadly?

SG: Did you ever see Tubgirl? (editor's note: DON'T!!)

Nash: ...That's pretty broad.

("Show us your birth certificate!")

Nash: Bottom line it for me!

SG: Well, um, imagine a twinkie the, uh, size of New York. And then--

(Before he can finish, all of the universe is blasted into a white void. Nash, Stick Boy, Space Guy and Arlo are stuck in the white void)

Nash: So you have, uh, reduced all of reality to...an endless void. Good job.

SG: I suppose this means there's only one thing left to be done.

Nash: You don't mean...?

SG: Yes. Yes, there's...simply no other option.

Nash: Yeah. Yeah, uh...I guess you're right.

(The void turns into a pink background with stars as Caramelldansen comes on, everyone but Nash, well, caramelldansen)

Nash: Well, that's all for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.

(Then he joins in on the caramelldansen as we go to the credits)

Final quip: Hey, I WROTE it and I have no fucking clue what happened there.

(One last replay of the Bearfucker clip)