Wild Wild West

(We start off the episode with the green band for a coming attraction before coming to Jim Jarozs and Tamara Chambers on the couch with gloves on her hands)

Jim: Jessie, why don't you hang out with anyone? It's like...you don't want anyone to get close to you.

(He reaches out to Jessie's hand, only for her to pull away.)

Narrator: A reclusive shut-in...with a powerful secret.

(Jim touches Jessie's hand and gets a jolt)

Jessie: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly strong...to the point of being invincible. No one should have that much power.

(Jim is shown lifting a huge piece of machinery with just one arm, making her quite concerned. We then cut to Malcolm Ray coming out of a car while also wearing gloves)

Narrator: An eccentric businesman...

Doug: Hey Elsa, think you're gonna take off those gloves today?

Narrator: ...moving up in the world.

(Malcolm touches Doug with his bare hand. Doug is shown stumbling around the room)

Malcolm: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly sick. Usually...to the point of death.

(Doug soon falls down dead)

Narrator: A mysterious stranger (Fard Muhammad) who knows why.

Stranger: (Talking to Jessie on the phone) I've been following you for some time. I know what you are.

Narrator: And a battle...

(Jessie and Malcolm are in a dimly lit room with the Stranger)

Jessie: Tell us what's going on here.

Narrator: ...there's no turning back from.

Stranger: It's all very simple. The two of you must destroy each other.

(Malcolm and Jessie are now walking towards each other, taking their gloves off)

Narrator: See the most disturbing film of the year. Not because of its commentary. Not because of its psychological portrayal.

(Jessie and Malcolm reach out to touch each other)

Narrator: But because it's not...based...on...anything.

(Jessie and Malcolm look at the camera)

Both: What?

Narrator: I said it's not...based..on anything.

(The two run back inside and dump out old comics onto the floor)

Jessie: It has to be based on a comic!

Narrator: It's not based on a comic.

Malcolm: It's gotta be based on a movie.

Narrator: It's not based on a movie.

Jessie: Maybe it's based on a show that wasn't bad, wasn't great, but still deserved more of a chance.

Narrator: It's not based on Pushing Up Daisies.

Jessie: Damn it!

(We're back in the dimly lit room)

Malcolm: How can we take a gamble on something without a fanbase?

Stranger: You'll just have to be interesting.

Jessie: No!

Stranger: Unpredictable.

Malcolm: No!

Stranger: Not relying on nostalgia.

Jessie: You inhuman monster!

(The Stranger laughs evilly)

Narrator: Starring...

A Black Guy Who Was Always Written As a Black Guy

Malcolm: Wait, I wasn't originally written as a white dude?

Narrator: No.

And A Woman Who Was Always Written As a Woman.

Jessie: Wait, I wasn't originally a white dude?

Narrator: No.

Malcolm: How are we supposed to cause controversy on the internet?

Narrator: You actually have to say something new... (The two gasp) relevant... (gasp!) and rely on word of mouth after it comes out.

Both: NOOOOOOOO!!

Narrator: Face the horrors of... Something Original. It's like a bad dream.

(The Nostalgia Critic soon wakes up from that bad dream and looks around before seeing the DVD for Wild Wild West)

NC: Oh thank god.

(And we come to the opening!)