Disorganized Crime

(Instead of the usual opening, we get a Law & Order style opening with Nash narrating)

Nash: (narrating) In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime, and the internet jackasses who laugh at the offenders. These are there stories. (the full subtitle is now Law & Order: What The Fuck Is Wrong With You? After the familiar dun-dun, we go to Nash in his room with glasses on reading a file)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Crime stories. We sure do love our cops and robbers, don't we? Most of the time they're tense tales of intrigue, planning and careful maneuvering. You have your bank heists, your murder mysteries, your manhunts. Every flavor of lawbreaking imaginable. But that's just what you see in the movies. Some of them are even based on true events, and they make us think of crime as this glamorous enterprise where only the smart survive. Yeah, get that idea right the fuck out your head. Nine times out of ten, criminal endeavors isn't so much "The Usual Suspects." It's more like what would happen when that idiot friend of yours--you know, the one who says he'll survive the zombie apocalypse? Yeah, that guy. It's when your idiot friend thinks he's come up with a foolproof plan for a really sweet score...and the end result is usually this.

(A clip of security footage of a man trying to grab money from the register at the store, only for the clerk to fend him off shouting HE ROBBED ME!)

Nash: Thus is the state of every ciminal out there, a powder keg of pure fuckwit just waiting for a chance to shower everyone in idiot shrapnel. That's what we're looking at this week. (regarding the file in his hand) Oh, this? This isn't the case file on idiot crime. This is the index. This...(he pulls out a larger folder with a grunt) is the case file! Get comfy.

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History of Crime")

(Stick Boy has an apple in his hand)

Nash (vo): When we were first starting out, (Stick Boy's about to eat the apple, only for another Stick Boy to steal it while saying "Yoink!") humanity did pretty much whatever it could get away with. If you had something someone else wanted, they'd try to take it. (Stick Boy's mad while the apple core is thrown out) If you couldn't keep it, (He now tries to eat a banana, but the other Stick Boy yoinks that as well) it belonged to them. (Stick Boy now gets an idea) If they couldn't take it, (Stick Boy now acts like he's gonna eat a grenade, but the other one says "Psyche!" and runs off) that usually meant they weren't ever gonna be taking any damn thing ever. (the grenade blows up, taking Stick Boy) Well, usually. Eventually, we'd had enough of this bullshit and came up with codes of law. One of the earliest on record was the Code of Ernamu (I may be wrong on that one) in ancient Sumeria. Some of the tenents included the penalty for murder, which was death. Or the penalty for stealing...which was death. Or the penalty for cutting off someone's foot, which was ten pieces of silver. (Stick Boy is shown with no left foot, holding a bag of money and needing a crutch) Uh, yeah. We weren't exactly talking the Bill of Rights here. (Stick Boy has a thought bubble forming) So, even with the Rule of Law, why does crime occur? Well, people want what they don't have. (A sports car appears in the bubble) When those wants are sensible, (Stick Boy's now in the car driving along while shooting a machine gun) the crimes are sensible. (Crazy Stick Boy now thinks of the moon) When those wants are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, (CSB passes by Stick Boy reading the newspaper on a bench, riding a rocket) the crimes are gonna make about as much sense as trading chickens for health care. And that's where we come in.

Nash: Right then, where do we begin this week? Lemme see. (he reaches into the folder and pulls a file out) Ah, the case of the four-foot penis. Eat your heart out, Encyclopedia Brown.

(The report is titled "Police seize four-foot penis.")

Nash (vo): Hands down, this has got to be one of the best headlines we've ever had. "Police seize four-foot penis." I'm literally in awe of that one. Anyway, 46-year old Jason Hadlow's prized Indonesian penis statue was taken by police from his furniture store after people complained about the giant dick in the window!

Nash: (to the tune of "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window") How much is that penis in the window?

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): Oh, but it gets better. Hadlow has started a Facebook community to get his gigantic manhood back entitled, "Free Willy." (a zoom in of the penis statue picture) I also love the caption under the picture, "Not the stone penis in question, but the only stone penis we had in our picture archive."

Nash: So this of course begs the question, why in the skinny blue fuck did you have a four-foot penis in front of a furniture store!? The hell does one have to do with the other? (Imitating a Midwestern man) Oh look honey, there's a giant penis over there. You know, I think we need a new sofa. (Nash shrugs, then goes to normal voice) Also, you can debate the right or wrong of the police seizing his penis. And I'd never thought I'd have to say those words, but plain and simple, spare us your cock! You know what belongs in the display window of a furniture store? Tables! Chairs! Maybe a lamp! Not a giant penis! Well, let's move from a tremendous dick to a tremendous douche as a store robbery goes awry when the crook forgets one important thing at the scene: her kid.

(The report is titled "Police: Woman robs store, flees without child")

Nash (vo): And the story is from Ocala, Florida. Of course. 29-year old Shannon Cooper was accused of stealing $65 worth of stuff from a Dollar General including fabric softener, Icy Hot, and fake nails. When confronted, Cooper ran like hell. And left behind her 2-year old child. How very "Raising Arizona" of her.

(A clip of the Snoat Brothers is shown)

Gale Snoats: Where's Junior? Where'd we leave him? (the two look up at the car ceiling, getting the idea, then scream)

Nas: What the fuck is wrong with you, lady!? You steal from the Dollar General, get caught, run off with the loot, but you forget your kid! Is it just me, or is Mother's Day gonna be a little awkward in that household this year? Look, I can get being in a bad spot and needing to provide for your family, but that would entail an emphasis on the family you're providing for. Fortunately for the kid involved, she was kind enough to leave behind her wallet as well. Cops tracked her back to where she was hiding, which was of course, her house. I don't get why crooks do that. It's not like hide and seek. Your house isn't home base and if the cops catch you there, you can't argue the rules with them. "Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! You can't catch me! I was safe! You can't get me!" Our next story is a robbery with a little more ambition, but not enough effort made into the planning. From Connecticut, two thieves attempted a bank robbery...by phone.

(The report is titled "Bank robbery suspects call ahead with demand for cash")

Nash: 27-year old Albert Bailey and an underaged accomplice decided they wanted to rob a bank without all the fuss and bother of actually...robbing a bank. The solution: phoning it in!

Nash: (holding his fingers out like a phone, using a surfer voice) Wachovia? Yeah, I need $1 million in small, unmarked bills, um, a direct route to the airport. Uh, no dyepacks. I don't wanna see one single dyepack! Um...oh yeah, and a large Pepsi!

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): The heist went about as well as you might imagine. After being told when and where the idiots would show up to pick their money, shockingly, both were arrested.

Nash: Protip, kids. When robbing someone, don't warn them in advance you're going to be robing them! See, if you're not actually there with a gun, you have no leverage! Just expecting someone to give you money because you think they should is like expecting it to start raining blowjobs! Because you think it should.Now while he did have a teenage accomplice in the bank, the kid was unarmed and, what was it, lemme think? Oh yes, a kid! That's about as threatening as an all day Smurfs marathon. If you're going to rob a place, at least have the goddamn common courteosy to get off your ass and make some effort! Lazy fuckers! Oh, and speaking of lazy fuckers, nothing is more frustrating than driving in traffic with other people who insist on doing shit while behind the wheel! Put on make-up while driving, they text while driving, they cook meth while driving! Wait...

(The report is titled "Driver burnt after 'Shake & Bake' meth lab explodes in car")

Nash (vo): Oh sweet Jesus. From Sikeston, Missouri, a man was cooking crystal meth...while fucking driving down the highway! (Nash holds up a sing saying "Blink, Blink") Officers only noticed the man when his portable meth lab up and exploded in his face, causing him to leap out of the moving car while on fire! Jesus, this isn't so much as "Breaking Bad" as it is Benny Hill.

Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you!? As stupid enough as it is to cook meth in the first place, to do so while driving is a feat of idiocy rivaled only by...the works of Mark Millar! For those of you out there who have no idea what goes on in a meth lab, I'll let a scientist explain.

(We get a clip from Ghostbusters)

Egon: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Nash: So yeah, mixing toxic chemicals while driving: bad fucking idea. But apparently, this is a thing now. Yeah, driving while cooking meth in a soda bottle, it's called "shake & bake." Isn't that cute? It's a cloud of toxic fumes! In a hilt! Look, you wanna burn your brain out on that shit, have fun! But don't turn your goddamn vehicle into a rolling fucking time bomb! Think we've gone about as looney toons as possible? Nope. We've got a bonus story from Whatcom County, Washington, that is that is the encore from last week's "That Doesn't Go There," combined with organized crime. The result? A (only the word is said like Shrek) donkey (normal voice) brothel! (wincing) Oh Jesus, not again!

(The report is titled "Whatcom County man arrested in animal cruelty case")

Nash (vo): Federal agents have discovered what appeared to be brothel where they recovered a number of animals who were being used for, and I quote, "Crimes too disturbing to describe." Wow, mankind. Just...wow.

(A clip from the movie "The Truth About Cats & Dogs")

Abby Barnes: You can love your pets, but just don't love your pets.

Nash: Sweet Aunt Jemima, are you shitting me?! Peoples of the world, please attend carefully. Somewhere among humanity, there's a man who thought to himself, "Setting up a place where people can pay to fuck animals. Best idea ever!" Not only that, not ONLY that, people from around the world from as far away as England, showed up to enjoy the absolute best in nightmare fuel! The fuck is wrong with you!? You can have whatever debate you want about animal cruelty, and the meat industry, and yadda yadda yadda. But when you throw fucking into the whole shebang, that's it! No mas! There's no valid place in the conversation for you! Christ, there's no valid place in the human race for you! I hear Mars is a lovely place this time of year! Why don't you just give it a looksie? That's it. Tha-that's officially it. I-I don't know what's going on out there. I don't know what causes all this high flying jackassery, but I do know they need my help.

(Nash gets up and leaves the room.)

(Dun-dun! The scene transitions are now done like Law & Order. First one: 128 King Street, Tuesday, April 27)

(Nash is driving a police car down the road when the police band comes on)

Dispatch: 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12, please respond to domestic dispute at the corner of King and 3rd.

Nash: No worries, I'm on the case.

Dispatch: Um, who is this?

Nash: Just a concerned citizen out here doing his part.

Dispatch: Sir, this is a restricted frequency.

Nash: That's okay. It's coming in fine on the radio in this police car here.

Dispatch: ...Sir, how did you get a police car?

Nash: Um, no time for that now, uh, there's a domestic dispute! Justice away!

(Owens Trailer Park, Corner of King and 3rd, 3:23 PM)

(Nash is sitting in the car in a trailer park as wah-wahs are heard. A football bounces off the car, then a familiar dog house, and finally poor Snoopy!)

(Reported gang violence, Broad and 5th, 4:48 PM)

(We're now in a GI Joe cartoon)

Flint: Yo Joe! (other Joes come out charging including Lady Jaye and Shipwreck, shooting guns while Cobra soldiers led by Major Bludd shoot back)

Cobra troops: Cobra!

(Nash is sitting in the car as lasers whiz by. He just takes a donut out to eat as he enjoys the show.)

Shipwreck: Yo Joe!

(Officer attacked by angry alien pants, 17th Street, 5:15 PM)

(Nash is fighting the Trousers Cosmit, hitting it with his hammer as Drowning Pool's "Bodies" plays)

(Officer reasons with alien pants, Waterfront Park, 5:38 PM)

(Nash and the Trousers Cosmic are sharing a donut with each other. Nash lets it have a bite)

(Officer realizes alien pants have slobbered on donut, 5:42 PM)

(And they're right back at trying to kill each other, same song playing)

(Officer has lost his GPS unit, 6:15 PM)

(He somehow ended up in the age of dinosaurs as a t-rex and triceratops fight in the background. Nash just shrugs and gets another donut)

(Officer hears song on radio that reminds him of ex-girlfriend, 6:38 PM)

(Nash is in tears as he sings to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car")

(Officer joins raid on organized criminal safehouse, 6:55 PM)

(We're now at the Battle of Yavinin in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope)

Wedge Antilles: All wings report in.

Red 10: Red 10 standing by.

Red 7: Red 7 standing by.

Red 3: Red 3 standing by.

(Nash is still in his car, holding the radio)

Nash: Uh, Red 69 standing by. (the ships fly on to the Death Star, including Nash's van) So, uh, what are we doing? Um, what's that thing?

(All Points Bulletin, 7:37 PM)

Dispatch: All available units, be on the look out for suspect driving erratically at high speeds. Vehicle is registered to a Lindsay Lohan.

Nash: Yeah, I quit.

(Nash goes back to his room, sitting down)

Nash: Well, you know what they say: Those who can, do. Those who can't....scream "fuck" on the internet. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.

(And we come to the credits, the last song being the Dead Kennedys' "I Fought The Law")

Final quip: Seriously, a donkey brothel. Someone thought that was a good idea.

(One more clip of Nash crying and singing to the song on the radio before just breaking down)