Disney's Alice in Wonderland

 (We start off with the Critic doing some spring cleaning)

NC: Why does spring cleaning always have to come after winter? The hell is this?

(NC has picked up a hard drive with the label of Old Home Movies.)

NC: Oh my God, I thought I had these destroyed after Wilsongate. Well we'll soon fix that. Where's my evidence destroying hammer?

(A strange looking creature (played by Malcolm Ray) gets NC's attention. The camera cuts to his face and then quickly to the screaming Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Malcolm again, then Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Malcolm, Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(...guess what happens...)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Carrotjuice: Hey, I'm Carrotjuice! Don't be upset.

(Cut to NC, who looks frightened and confused)

Carrotjuice: Today's the greatest day ever! In fact, let's give each other gifts! (yanks the hard drive out of NC's hand) YOINK!

NC: HEY!

Carrotjuice: Toodles!

(Carrotjuice dashes of with a cartoon sound effect, while NC tries to chase him)

NC: Get back here, you evil Nesquik bunny! (NC gets sucked into some sort of hole) WOAH!

(Cut to NC falling down into someplace)

NC: WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA-

(The screen cuts black and then we a groaning Critic wake up to see Tamara Chambers dressed up in an Alice costume with black hair and a Poison Mushroom necklace.)

NC: Oh my god ... the maid cafe of the Addams Family

Malice: (In a British accent) Hello, my name is Malice. (Lends NC a hand) Are you quite alright?

NC: Yeah, fine. I was just looking for a-

Malice: A black rabbit?

NC: Y-yeah...

Malice: Carrying a hard drive?

NC: Yeah!

Malice: And you escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back it will prove to the world that you're not a pyschotic maniac?

NC: That's a hard no but two out of three ain't bad. So have you seen him?

Malice: Oh yes, he went that way.

(Carrotjuice jumps around sparatically, yelling before running away)

NC: Hey!

(And a chase begins as NC chases Carrotjuice while Malice quickly follows suit. They soon reach a small door.)

NC; Oh, what the hell's going on here?

Malice: Here, (Hands NC a bottle) drink this. It will make you tolerant for overused cliches 10 times smaller.

NC: What the hell are you talking...Oh forget it. (Drinks substance)

(After drinking the substance both NC and Malice shrink down as the bottle slams on the floor behind them surprising both of them)

NC: What? Is this some some sort of LSD land?

Malice: You're not too far off actually.

(NC opens the door)

Malice: It's Burtonland.

(NC is clearly shocked at all the Burtonish visuals)

NC: Oh Christ!

(Cut to the show's opening intro)

(Cut back to NC walking through Burtonland with Malice)

NC: Oh, my god, look at this place! It's like a coloring book if the only crayon available was gray.

Malice: Oh, calm down, It's not all that bad. At least it's creative!

NC: Yeah, the first million times - sure, but the million and one-the-th-eth... (sighs) It's just as bad as when he took over Disney's Alice in Wonderland.

(Malice is surprised) But, I loved that cartoon!

NC: (sighs) No, not that one! I hate the fact I have to make that distinction now! No, I'm talking about Disney's "Tim Burton's" Alice in Wonderland!

(Cut to the Alice in Wonderland opening)

(Malice is confused) But, wait, I thought that was a big hit. If it's so bad, why did it make so much money?

(Doug dressed as Burton's Mad Hatter appears out of nowhere)

Danny Elfman: I can answer that!

NC: (dusgusted) Oh, god, it's Danny Elfman!

Danny: What's the matter critic? I thought you enjoyed my musical compositions.

NC: Yeah, for the first ten years! Now all your stuff sounds like the filler music you skip on soundtracks.

(Background music starts)

Danny: Oh, but critic! Don't you know that kind of repetition is what makes Burtonland so popular?

(NC and Malice are confused)

(Danny starts singing the Tim Burton song)

Danny: It's Tim

Burton,

there's spyrals everywhere!

It's Tim,

lets get you fucked up hair!

(NC gets the Chester A. Bum wig)

Danny: It's Tim,

where everything is styled oversubstance but it looks good so who cares?

It's Tim!

(NC takes off the wig)

Danny: It's Tim,

Burton,

all angles are askew!

It's Tim,

with bulky lenses too!

It's Tim,

where all supporting characters are kings holding the movies on the wings and all the leads are 'bout as interesting as glue!

It's Tim!

(NC looks disgusted)

Danny: This world of such uniqueness has been donned a million times,

a dark and gloomy outlet for some nerdy guys to whine!

And, though that's saying little,

here's to think it's saying more,

it's selling much more whiteness than a rich albino whore!

(NC and Malice are frightened by a picture of a naked albino woman)

Danny: We needs,

we wants,

the making of a ton

of loot,

and anything that's new -

it's rare,

and, yes, the style's showing that it's rare, since all the profit's clearly there, and will it get old, we don't care, to try something different we won't dare, 'cause our supplies of working apes are making millions by the share!

TIM

BUR-

TON!!!

Malice: (uninterested) Very good, um, we're looking for the Black Rabbit and--

Danny: And now, the rendition with the whimsical choir that can only sing in vowels! OOO-OOO-OO-OO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!

Malice: I beg your pardon, this doesn't help us.

Danny: OOOOO-LA-LALA-LALA-LALA-LALALALALALALALALALA-LAAAAAA!

Malice: If you could just tell us--

Danny: OOOH-OOH-OOOOOOH-OOOO-OOO-OOOOOOOH!

Malice: (calm) Well, I tried to be nice... (pulls out gigantic kitchen knife) Excuse me... (goes towards Danny Elfman)

(Nostalgia Critic is scared, disgusted and frightened)

Danny: (in the background) Oh my god, what are you doing? Oh, god not that! Oh, no, put that back to my body! Oh, no, I need that! I needed that! Oh, god! Oh, Jesus Christ! I've never felt so much pain! Alright, I didn't need that! OOOOOOOH!

Malice: (Comes back covered in blood) Well then, he says we just follow that route. (Points right)

NC: (He is disgusted) Goodie... You go in front of me, while I start the review.

Malice: Very good. (Leaves)

NC: (to the audience) She seemed so nice! (Follows her)

(Footage from the movie is shown)

NC: (vo) So we see the young Alice, being awoken by nightmares, as her father tries to put her asleep while discussing trading and business.

Alice: (on the footage, doing a surprisingly better performance than her adult counterpart) I've seen... Strange creatures...

Alice's father: What kind of creatures?

Alice: There's a dodo bird, a rabbit, in a waistcoat...

Alice's father: You're mad, bonkers, off your head.

NC: (In a very deep voice) I think this calls for a good bleeding, that's what solves every problem in this time period!

NC: (vo) So, father-so-perfect-he-surely-has-to-die-soon dies soon after Alice's 19th birthday. This leaves her with a mother who is certainly a product of the times, who is not willing to accept Alice, because, of course, she's ahead of her time, and doesn't realize that the "ahead of the time" cliche has been done so many times that actually makes it behind the time.

Alice's mother: Where's your corset?

Alice: I'm against them.

Mother: But you're not properly dressed!

Alice: Who's to say what is proper? What if it was agreed that "proper" was wearing a codfish on your head, would you wear it? To me, corset is like a codfish.

NC: (In an irritating high itched voice) AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "TIRED OPPRESSION FOR TIRED FREE SPIRITED WHIPPERSNAPPERS"!

Mother: And no stockings!

NC: OOOH! MOST UNORTHODOX!

Alice: I was wondering what it would be like to flirt.

NC: OOH! HOW UNCIVILIZED!

Alice: My father sometimes said he believed in six impossible thing before breakfast.

NC: OOH! HEAVENS TO BETSY!

Hamish Ascot: When in doubt, remain silent.

NC: OOH! MUCH BETTER!

Woman: Do you know what I've always dreaded? Ugly grandchildren.

NC: OOH! HOW VERY PROPER!

Alice: But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish.

NC: HOW OBVIOUSLY NOT STUCKUP AND WROOOOONG! I HOPE NO OTHER CHARACTER IN ANY OTHER MOVIE EVER MADE REPEATS WHAT SHE DOES IN THIS FILM! THAT WHAT WOULD BE WRRRRRRRRRRONG!

NC: (Back to normal voice) Umm, yeah, bad screenwriting 101 guys, a good writer focuses on what a character is, not what a character isn't. We know that Alice isn't following the north and isn't going to be told what to do. Well, okay, that's all fine and good, but, what is she then? Umm... Blander than bread?

Alice: (Does some more emotionless acting)

NC: Umm, are you sure she is not a product of the emotionless victorian era?

Woman: The guards have planted white roses when I specifically asked for red.

Alice: You could always paint the roses red.

NC: And, of course, as it goes, all the thing that Alice will come across inevitably will work their way into her fantasy world as well. Like the owner complaining about the white roses, talking to Tweedlekinda and Tweedlesorta, and, of course, what seems to be an insane society needing to be challanged.

Hamish Ascot: Will you be my wife?

Alice: But this has all happened too quickly.

NC: (vo) So she turns down the proposal of one of the lesser weasleys, mostly because... She sees the white rabbit? Wait a minute... So, they're clearly establishing that none of this is a dream and it's all... Reality? Okay, despite the fact that this is clearly going against what the original book was doing, why would all of these obvious symbols that worked it's way into the fantasy be presented? I mean, what's the point of it's all real?

(Cut to NC walking with Malice)

NC: I mean, it's suddenly being like...

(Santa Christ walks by)

NC: Oh, hey Santa Christ!

Santa Christ: Hello!

NC: What are you doing here?

Santa: I don't know!

NC: (Shrugs)

(Back to movie footage)

NC: (vo) So of course, Alice follows him down the rabbit hole, and things look pretty promising, as the wacky and non-sensical spirit of Wonderland seems to be shining through.

(Alice finds and drinks from a bottle that says "Drink Me")

NC: (vo) Yeah, now all she needs is a script that says "Write Me".

(Alice shrinks after drinking from the bottle)

NC: (vo) She of course shrinks down, wearing... a convenient mini dress that she had on her? Maybe she was gonna play goth barbie later, and enters the rather grey and blury world of Wonderland. (NC starts singing to the tune of Willy Wonka's Pure Imagination) There is no life I know phoned in lie computer generation.

White Rabbit: I told you she's the right Alice.

Dormouse: I am not convinced.

NC: (as Alice) Oh, I'm sorry, "Eek!" or "Emotional Reaction!" or... I don't know. I'm sticking with nothing.

Dormouse: She's the wrong Alice!

Tweetledee: Well, I suppose she might be...

Flower: Absolem will know who she is!

Tweetledee: Alice, come with me.

Tweetledum: Come on, it's not even your turn!

NC: You'll notice quickly that all of the characters speak to her like they've encountered her before... And, that's because, they have! Yeah, I bet you thought you were going to get the story of Alice in Wonderland, didn't you? God, I don't know how the fuck you got THAT stupid idea! (Shows shot of the poster)

(Back to movie footage)

NC: But, no, this is a semi-sequel, not based on the semi-sequel because all the logic they semi-throw in semi-makes no sense... They inform her that the Red Queen has taken over Wonderland with her evil Jabberwocky, and that this ancient calendar, which is never wrong, predicts that she will defeat it.

Caterpillar: It knows everything that has happened, from the beginning.

Tweetledum: It also predicted the day you slay the Jabberwocky.

Tweetledee: That can only happen with the Vorpal Sword.

Tweetledum: No other sword san slay the Jabberwocky.

NC: Oh, yeah. It's another "prophecy" story. Ya know, WHY are these SO popular? Why does everybody go along with something just because "the prophecy says so"? What reliable source do these prophecies come from? Who writes them? How do we know we can trust them?

(cut to a scene with a black guy sitting on a chair, rearranging ome papers)

Voice: Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy.

Black guy: I told them to check that wierd calendar thing I made up.

Voice: What about Narnia?

Black: I don't know? Beavers shall lead the way to Bednods and Broomsticks kids with the Lion King?

Voice: Toon world?

Black: A chosen one.

Voice: Matrix?

Black: A chosen one!

Voice: Phantom Menace?

Black: A CHOSEN ONE!

Voice: Jesus?

Black: Umm, let's leave that one up to interpretation, I don't see anyone going to crazy with that.

(Cut to NC with Malice)

NC: Hey, is it me, or does that guy look familiar?

Carrotjuice: NOPE!

NC: Oh, okay, it must be one of those-- HEY!

Carrotjuice: W-HEY, W-HEY, W-HEY! (runs away, then NC and Malice start chasing him) Oh, happy day, oh, happy day. (Looks at clock) Ooh, I'm late!

NC: What's he so happy about anyway?

(Two mime looking people pop up, having miniature finger seizures)

NC: (Scared) GAAAAAH!

Malice: Who in the world are you?

Tweetledepp: If you're looking for strangers, you need to look harder.

Tweedlecarter: For he's Tweedledepp and I'm Tweedlecarter.