Rango

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Rango."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(Raises finger like a gun) Reach for the- SPOILERS!

There's this lizard called Rango.

And he-

Off-screen Voice:

Hey. Hey, you.

Chester:

(looks off-screen) What?

Off-screen Voice:

Come over here.

Chester:

(to camera) 'Scuse me one moment. (goes off-screen) Yes? (gets punched) D'oh! (He falls down and Raoul Puke comes on-screen)

Raoul:

Alright! If there's anyone who should be reviewing this movie, it's me!

"Why?" you may ask. There are two reasons.

(Holds up two fingers) Number one! I don't want it told by some eccentric nutball who's stoned off his ass!

...What?

(Holds up four fingers) Number two! This movie should be reviewed by me because... Well, I'm in it!

You heard me correctly! I'm in it! And they didn't even give me credit!

Well, maybe that's because I'm not exactly in it. It's a lookalike. A phony!

One of the many impersonators of Raoul Puke.

Just like that idiot with the big forehead online.

But perhaps I should explain in better detail.

Alright. So you have this lizard.

He talks for...some god knows why reason.

And of course my initial thought is, "I'm in the middle of a goddamn reptile zoo!"

And I sort of am.

I mean, it's a lizard. He's in a cage... (shrugs) There you go.

You see, he is a pet lizard in a car, and he falls out of the car.

The cage breaks, and who does he run into? Me!

That's right! I'm sitting there, driving the car with my wolfman attorney in the back.

Where'd he go anyway?

And suddenly, this lizard flys in front of the windshield!

And I simply look at the lizard and say, "I knew it!"

That's it! That's my big cameo!

What a friggin' rip-off!

Clearly I should have been the star of this movie!

It has talking animals and images that make no sense!

That's my everyday life.

Instead we follow this lizard, who has a voice similar to mine but not as sexy, as he comes some town in the wild west.

That's right. Lizards are cowboys now.

There's other animals there too, like squirrels, rabbits, and squirrels.

But this begs the question: If the lizard was just some pet animal in a kid's cage, then how the hell can they talk and build civilizations?!

I'll tell you how! The writer takes some acid and it is.

Kiss my acid, you flaky movie!

If a movie like this is gonna be this trippy, you might as well give us the drugs to fully enjoy it!

Chester:

(sounding dazed) I got some drugs...

Raoul:

(looks down) Shut up. (kicks)

Chester:

Ow.

Raoul:

So, yeah, we went from an artsy drug-house film to a western.

(sighs) Again?

How many movies have done that already?!

(counts) One.

Too many!

So it turns out this western town is in great need of water.

In fact, water is pretty much their currency. It's how they buy things.

Oh great, now we're ripping off "Dune"!

Which isn't a bad idea, considering how nobody saw it.

But it turns out somebody steals the water, and they call in Rango to solve the case!

Why?

Because they made him sheriff!

Apparently he fooled everybody into thinking he's a fearsome outlaw when really he isn't.

Just like Hunter S. Thompson fooled everybody into thinking Raoul Duke is a fictional character.

Ha ha, right.

So he gets everybody together to go and find the water.

Meanwhile, there's this Mariowlchi band that's playing about how he's going to die.

(singing) "Ai yi yi yi! We're building up to a letdown!"

So they come across a bunch of moles that apparently stole the water.

But Rango steals the water away from the moles, so the moles call upon their most fearsome weapon: Bats!

(panicking and flailing) Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?! They're great survivors!

But then they figure out that the moles didn't steal the water.

It was done by the evil mayor, who everybody could tell was gonna be an evil mayor.

If there's anything I've learned in all my years, it's: (leans in) Never trust a turtle.

Good advice.

And just when Rango is about to reveal the mayor's plan, a giant snake comes in and reveals that the sheriff is not a sheriff!

He's a lizard. (gasps)

So Rango walks through his path of despair as the rest of the characters say, "So long! We look forward to your obvious ethical turnaround in ten minutes!"

But then Rango comes across Clint Eastwood. (pause) I'm totally serious. Comes across Clint Eastwood. Like I said, where are the drugs?

And so, Clint Eastwood tells him, (imitating him) "No man can escape his own story. But he can hire a different voice actor to replace his part."

And Rango says, "You're right!"

So he goes back to the town and gets everybody to help him.

They even get a bunch of the bats together and make the snake think they're a hawk.

And the snake looks up and says, "We can't stop here! This is hawk country."

But then he finds out that the hawk was nothing but a bunch of bats!

And the snake says, "We can't stop here. This is...not hawk country."

And then through a bunch of...boom bang boom, Rango gets a waterpipe to the town and fills it with water, hopefully drowning those little critters to death.

And so Rango lives happily ever after.

And of course I say to myself, "Bullshit! You promised me he was gonna die!"

Isn't there a car to squash him into roadkill?

But then the owls tell us, (singing) "Ai yi yi yi! We ripped you off big time!"

Horseshit! When you tell me that a lizard is gonna die, I expect a lizard to die!

Couldn't Clint Eastwood have shot him or something?!

No! He's probably like, (imitating) "I have to make another movie that shows life's a bitch and then you die."

So, bottom line? "Rango" was a very pretty movie that had an overcomplicated storyline that could have been a lot simpler.

Did I mention the director of "Pirates of the Caribbean" did this?

This is Raoul Puke, father of Fozzie journalism saying... (He bends down and picks up Chester's cup) ...I have a cup.

...I still have a cup.

Never trust a turtle.