Tekken: Blood Vengeance

(After the opening to the Spoony Experiment, we come to Spoony in his room)

Spoony: Yes, they made another Tekken movie. (Showing the dvd for Tekken: Blood Vengeance) Basically just as soon as I finished reviewing the live-action movie. (Pointing to the poster of the other Tekken movie) And you know, I really don't get it. I mean, I kinda liked that movie, but apparently, everyone else from the fans of the games to the people who made the video games called betrayal on the live-action. I mean, yeah, it almost entirely disregarded the completely shit storyline from the video games. (sarcastic) Oh, darn.

(A clip of Lee's ending from Tekken 5)

Spoony (vo): Because you know the plot of the video games is just untouchable, it's on par with Lord of the fucking Rings and shit. Lemme tell you something, (clips of the anime is shown) you're never gonna sell an audience with a story that opens with "dad drops his son into a volcano to teach him to be a man. And he also runs a multinational corporation that's secretly building an army of boxing kangaroos."

(Lei's face to face with Roger)

Lei: You're kidding me. Is this some kinda joke?

Spoony (vo): The anime was about as close to the video game's story as you can get, and, guess what? The plot of the video games is fucking stupid! But, again, (Clips of the live-action movie are shown) people hated the live-action movie because it wisely dispensed with the nonsensical Devil Gene business and the other supernatural elements. Instead, making the insane decision to focus on (sarcastic) shock, gasp, martial arts, my god! The movie ditched the overwrought sins of the father Japanese melodrama and focused instead on tons of exciting action? Those bastards! (the screen page flips to the poster) When producers decided to produce a new 3D Tekken movie, they were very clear they weren't gonna pull a repeat of the live-action. (page flip to a news report on the movie) Tekken project leader Katsuhiro Hirada said, (highlighting a quote) "There was a Hollywood Tekken movie, but please forget about that. (sarcastic imitation) Yeah, that good movie. Please forget that." (page flip to another part of the report) "That doesn't have anything to do with it this time." And here's my favorite part. "We want to make a movie everyone can enjoy, though. Not just Tekken fans."

Spoony: (holding a bottle of Captain Morgan) Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh, Hirada-san! You just invented the Tekken: Blood Vengeance drinking game! Every time something happens in this movie that you have to be a fan of the video games to understand, (holding up the bottle and shot glass) take a shot! Let's do this!

(We're treated to a scene of a quiet Japanese street when a blur speeds by. That blur is Ling Xiaoyu riding on Panda)

Ling Xiaoyu: 1 minute 12 seconds left! (wherever Panda goes, a trail of dust follows them)

(This sudden stupidity is too much for Spoony that he just drops the glass and drinks out of the bottle while Xiaoyu and Panda speed towards the bike rack at school, drifting into it and coming to a stop. Spoony stops drinking after a bit)

Spoony: She rides a panda to school. Fucking finally, these movies are starting to make sense, right?

(Playing the Panda scene again)

Spoony (vo): I mean, okay! Where did she get a panda? Why? Nobody in this movie even questions the presence of this panda and trust me, the first words out of anyone's mouth at seeing this is guaranteed to be, "Holy shit, where the fuck did she get a panda?" It's never questioned and it's never explained! Hell, it's never even mentioned in this movie at all! She's got a panda!

(Oreo is now sitting in Spoony's lap)

Spoony: You can't do that! You can't just introduce a character into your movie riding a panda into school and not explain that shit! I established my fucking dog in storyline and I do internet reviews! Come on!

(A clip of Panda's story from Tekken 5 is shown)

Spoony (vo): Not that it makes much more sense in the video game, believe me, cause in the game, Heihachi trains the panda how to fight in order to act as [Xiaoyu's] bodyguard. A clip of Kuma's ending in Tekken 5 is shown) Yes, Heihachi trained a bear. How to fight. Take a shot.

Spoony: Look, I know I'm harping on it, and I'm so sorry. It's just fucking killing me with this panda. Giant pandas, when they're inclined to run, which isn't often, are clocked at a top land speed of 20 miles per hour. They're not the fucking Road Runner. And they're one of the world's most endangered species. I'm pretty damn skippy it's illegal as hell to own one as a pet. It's not like she's fucking hiding it, either. She's riding it down the street!

(Clip of The Big Lebowski)

Walter Sobchak: And also let's not forget, let's not forget, Dude. That keeping wildlife, (the Panda scene is shown while he's talking) um, you know, domestic, within the city...that ain't legal either.

Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger now?

(Xiaoyu takes out some bamboo for Panda to munch on)

Spoony (vo): And it's not like it's the only time you see the panda either. This is a major character in the movie. It's on the fucking dvd cover! Look, it's Jin! Nina! Panda! It's so out of place and just plain weird to have a panda in this movie that even though I know it's in the film, everytime it shows up I'm like, "Wait, what, a pan--where the fuck?" You'll see what I mean. Anyway, the movie kicks off with action as a woman on a motorcycle weaves through traffic, when suddenly... (Lights on a semi trailer in the middle of the road go on, making the bike rider stop)

Nina Williams: Heh. An ambush. Cute.

Spoony (vo): Um, no, that's a semi truck.

(Nina then decides to play Chicken with the truck)

Optimus Prime (audio): My name is Optimus Prime.

(Suddenly there's a huge explosion on the freeway, taking the bridge out while Nina does a three point landing unscathed)

Spoony (vo): Okay, no, no! Flag on the play! Illegal explosion! Unless she's from the planet Krypton, can somebody explain how the fuck she did that? (replaying the explosion) What in the hell even happened there? She crashed her motorcycle and that somehow took out a semi. Fucking Terminator couldn't have pulled that off.

(Coming out of the trailer, somehow relatively unscathed as well, is Nina's sister, Anna)

Nina: Well now, it's my dear sister, Anna.

Anna Williams: Nina, it's been a long time, hasn't it?

Spoony: (regarding how Nina spoke that line) Okay, nobody on the planet Earth talks like that. I'll show you. Hey Miles, come here! (Opening the door to the room is his older brother, Miles. Oreo's on his lap getting petted while Spoony speaks like Nina) Ah, if it isn't my younger brother, Miles, whom I've known all my life. So good of you to join me on the show which I host. The Spoony Experiment.

Miles: Get a job. (leaving the room)

Spoony: Farewell then, my dear little brother, Miles. No doubt we'll meet again soon when I will enact my poorly explained vengeance upon you. (And he does an evil laugh)

Nina: Well now, it's my dear sister, Anna.

Spoony (vo): These are Anna and Nina Williams, (the two sisters fight each other) two sisters who absolutely hate each other. Why? Never explained in the movie. (Take a shot!) They fight for a little while until Anna's soldiers arrive and surround Nina.

(Several armed soldiers in body armor surround Nina, laser sights aimed at her)

Nina: Look at this. You think you got me cornered.

Spoony (vo): Um, well, yes, actually.

(Gunshots are heard as we jump to the movie credits if the scene went down realistically. However, Nina jumps over Anna, backflips and then jumps off the bridge)

Spoony (vo): Nope, not the Matrix. Not at all. Nothing like the Matrix.

Nina: Till next time, sweet Anna. (she then shoots a grappling hook at the bridge)

Spoony (vo): So what was the point of sitting in traffic in a semi? As-as what, as an ambush?

Nina: An ambush.

Spoony (vo): How is this an ambush? How do you ambush someone with a semi? If Anna knew where Nina was going, and knew the highway she was taking so far in advance she was waiting for her in a truck, why didn't she just set up her armed soldiers to gun her down when she drove past? Why not carry a gun herself? Why is she in a silk evening dress if she's planning on getting in a kung-fu fight?

Anna: To be honest, I didn't think it would be so easy. Now we just have to wait for Jin and the Mishima Zaibatsu to make their move.

Spoony (vo): The two ladies retreat back to their home bases to report to their bosses. Nina goes to the Mishima Zaibatsu which is now run by Jin instead of Heihachi, because Heihachi was killed in a fight we never actually see in the movie, and only ever happens in the video game. (Take a shot!) And Anna goes to the G Corporation, which is owned by Kazuya.

Anna: This is from Kyoto. (She snaps her fingers to make the monitor show info)

Spoony (vo): I have no idea what's going on except that everyone's looking for some guy because he's got a genetic thing, and they're trying to make another genetic thing because...science, or something. I don't know.

Kazuya Mishima: Last thing I want is for Jin to find out.

Anna: That won't be a problem. We're using an organic approach. (she snaps her fingers again to change info on the monitor)

Spoony (vo): How does the computer know how to interpret her snapping her fingers as seperate highly complex tasks? (The info on screen shows Xiaoyu's picture)

Anna: I have the perfect candidate.

(Back at school, Xiaoyu's met by Ganryu)

Xiaoyu: Whoa!

Ganryu: Xiaoyu Ling of Class B!

Xiaoyu: Um, I'm not late! I have seven seconds left!

Ganryu: You have been summoned to the principal's office, now! (pointing his thumb at the school)

Spoony: (imitating Ganryu) The director of this movie has no idea what subtlety is! (pointing his thumb the same way as Ganryu at the word "is")

Spoony (vo): Oh look, Ganryu's in this movie, and...he's a gym teacher? Okay, I'm not even sure how to classify this one because, um, that's definitely not what he is in the video game. I'm confused now. Are we following the video game or not? Um, new rule! If having knowledge of the video game makes you understand the movie less, take two shots! (Take 2 shots!)