The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1987

(Todd plays Bruce Hornsby and the Range - "The Way It Is" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1987 A year-end review)

Todd: At the end of every year, Billboard Magazine publishes their list of that year's Top 100 songs. They've been doing this since 1959, and...I went ahead and went through them all. [Grabs stack of Top 100 lists and plops the stack onto the keyboard] Now, I love these lists. I love going through every year and getting a real accurate snapshot of the popular music of yesteryear; what is was really like, checking out the true classics and the well-remembered period markers and the forgotten gems and, of course, the outright crap. And since I know what pays the bills, you can guess which one of those we'll be talking about today. So let's take a nice, close look at the Top 100 songs of... [Rustles through pile and pulls out list from...] 1987.

Video montage beginning with and set against Wang Chung - "Everybody Have Fun Tonight. Video clips that follow include Bon Jovi - "Living on a Prayer", Tiffany - "I Think We're Alone Now", The Bangles - "Walk Like an Egyptian", U2 - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody", Heart - "Alone", Beastie Boys "Fight for Your Right", Whitesnake - "Here I Go Again", Madonna - "Open Your Heart", George Michael - "I Want Your Sex", Janet Jackson - "Control", Billy Idol - "Mony Mony", Duran Duran - "Notorious", Huey Lewis and the News - "Hip to Be Square", and Kim Wilde - "You Keep Me Hangin' On"

Todd (VO): 1987—what the fuck is going on?

Wang Chung: Everybody have fun tonight.

Todd (VO): Well, I'll tell you, not a whole lot. This was not a good year for the pop charts if this list is any indication. Sure, there were a few classic 80's hits in there, but for the most part, this list is just crap. Anyone who thinks the 80s is nothing but DayGlo fashions and new wave hairdos, all I can tell you is expect a lot less Flock of Seagulls and a lot more Richard Marx. It was hard for me to find ten songs distinct enough to be even worth hating. Whatever shock and energy that'd been provided by MTV at the beginning of the decade, is at this point beginning to devolve into a big gloopy mess of synthed cheese. And that's a trend that's going to continue as we move into the utter horror that is the early 90s.

Todd: How bad is this list? Here's all you need to know—[brief clip of "(I Just) Died in Your Arms"] the Cutting Crew have two songs in the Top 100. And meanwhile I wasn't expecting to see any like Sonic Youth or anything, but I don't think it's that far out of line for me to ask to see a little something from contemporaneous bands like [quick shots of the albums released that year by...] R.E.M., the Cure, New Order, or freaking Aerosmith! Seriously, Sting is too left-of-the-dial for 1987. That's how bad it was. But you know what? This is the year I picked, and we're gonna power through it. So don't disturb this groove, don't dream it's over, we're counting down...

Video clip of Michael Jackson - "Bad", which serves as the interlude through the countdown

Todd (VO): The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1987.

Michael Jackson: ...and the whole world has to answer right now Just to tell you once again who's bad

Todd (VO): #10

Todd: Now here's a justly forgotten piece of pop culture ephemera.

Video of Lipps, Inc. - "Funkytown"

Todd (VO): No, not this. You know what this is. This is "Funkytown", the 1980 disco classic from one-hit wonder Lipps, Inc. Not one of my favorite songs admittedly, but one that's certainly earned its place in pop culture history because it's one of the most maddeningly catchy songs ever written. All you have to do is hear a couple seconds of it, and you know you'll be hearing it over and over again in your head for the rest of the week.

Todd: Oh, and by the way, [thumbs up] you're welcome.

Todd (VO): And part of the reason why it's so catchy is its sense of restraint. and an impossibly tight, controlled groove accented by the track's incessantly memorable beeping keyboard hook. [Imitating hook] Deet-deet-deet-deet-deet, deet-deet-deet-deet-deet.

Todd: So yeah, I can't think of a quicker way to ruin this song than to pump it all up like it's on steroids.

''Video of #10. Pseudo Echo - "Funkytown"''

Todd (VO): This fine band with the overenthusiastic keytar player is the Australian group Pseudo Echo, and they are basically a poor, poor, poor man's INXS. Like I said, I wasn't a huge fan of the original, but it certainly worked better as a disco track than a jamming 80s rock tune, specifically by a band who let their keytarist pick the single most awful, blaring preset on their Casio.

Todd: You know, I've always felt bad for bands whose only hit was a cover. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Alien Ant Farm.

Todd (VO): But when your one hit was covering someone else's one hit, you've taken the lameness of being a one-hit wonder and multiplied it exponentially. At least some one-hitters can say, "yeah, we covered Michael Jackson or Simon & Garfunkel or NWA or someone cool."

Todd: But Pseudo Echo's only claim to fame is covering "Funkytown"...badly. Ugh.

Todd (VO): Pseudo Echo—a one-hit wonder without the wonder. Good riddance.

Pseudo Echo: Won't you take me down to Funkytown!

Interlude

Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: The year was 1987 and the world belonged to Gregory Abbott.

''Video of #9. Gregory Abbott - "Shake You Down"''

Todd (VO): Gregory-Abbott-mania was in full effect. You couldn't walk down the street without seeing dozens of Gregory Abbott t-shirts, backpacks. Little girls ran screaming at Gregory Abbott every time he stepped out in public.

Todd: ...I assume, at least. I mean, I wasn't really paying attention at the time. Most of the songs I knew came from Sesame Street. I just kinda figured that's how it was because [consulting list] Gregory Abbott is right at #3 on the list. #3—higher than Michael, higher than Madonna, higher than Prince and Bon Jovi, U2, Whitney, Janet, George Michael—higher than all of them. And that's astonishing to me because...I've never heard of this song. Have you?

Gregory Abbott: And you know...

Todd (VO): I mean, I guess you might have if you were there. But I sat through quite a few VH1 80s marathons and this song has apparently had virtually no staying power. But still, it's not hard to see how this got so popular. Abbott had the smoldering good looks of [image of] C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man, and he had a singing voice so good, he might be able to place 9th on a bad season of American Idol.

Gregory Abbott: Oh! I've been missing you

Todd: I've been missing you... [points finger in mouth]

Gregory Abbott: ...and the way you make me feel inside Eenie meenie miney mo...

Todd (VO): Oh no, oh no, BIEBER FLASHBACKS! AH! AH!

Todd: This is what happens when you let Quiet Storm ballads be written by people who probably spent the entire 80s wearing Cosby sweaters. Seriously, "shake you down"?

Todd (VO): I get "love you down", "lay you down", "rub you down" maybe, but "shake you down"?

Todd: I might not have known what Usher meant when he said he'd break you down, but I do know what shaking someone down means. [Picture of a holdup] A shakedown is extortion. Gregory Abbott is threatening to mug you. Isn't that right, Bob Seger?

Video of Bob Seger - "Shakedown" Bob Seger: Shakedown, breakdown, takedown Everybody wants into the crowded light

Todd: Yeah, Seger knows what he's talking about. Oh, by the way, "Shakedown" by Bob Seger? [Consults list] Another hit from 1987 this was bigger than.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: Now here's a question. How do you take a band like this [Clip of Chicago - "25 or 6 to 4"], and then get them to spend more than a decade making this?

Video of Chicago - "You're the Inspiration" Chicago: You're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration

Todd: I...I don't know how that happens. All I know is that, even though I think I have a pretty good tolerance for 80s soft rock, I can... I can not deal with Chicago. If Chicago had had ten hits this year, I'd have put them all on the list. They only had one, so that's what's making it on here.

''Video of #8. Chicago - "Will You Still Love Me"''

Todd (VO): Chicago are the Nickelback of the 80s. It wasn't just that they were bad, it was also that maintained such an unblemished and consistent track record of being completely awful yet inexplicably successful from the very beginning of the decade to the very end. This was off their eighteenth album. Other bands might've had smellier shit, but no one had more of it.

Todd: 1987 finds Shitcago very, very deep in their suck period, but it also finds them at a deeply uncertain place in their history. [Image of Peter Cetera] They were still reeling off the loss of longtime frontman Peter Cetera, and they were struggling to answer a very, very serious question—could they still suck without him?

Todd (VO): Well, through hard work and perseverance, they proved that they could suck harder than ever. They had not yet begun to suck! They were gonna suck all night and suck every day.

Chicago: 'Cause I can't go on...

Todd (VO): But go on, they did. And they continued to stink up the joint right through the 80s and even into the 90s, forever staining the good name of their namesake city.

Todd: Seriously, the Windy City has suffered through [images of] the Chicago Fire, Al Capone, and the horrible, still-lingering infestation of Cubs fans. Hasn't that city suffered enough?

Interlude

Todd (VO): #7.

Todd: One thing that I promised myself when I put this list together was that it was going to have all the songs that I legitimately hated the most, not the easiest targets or the ones that gave me the most material. I mean, look at this...

Video of Bruce Willis - "Respect Yourself" Todd (VO): It's Bruce Willis. Bruce freaking Willis singing and dancing and people are actually listening to this. I guess he was moonlighting as a singer. Too bad his music career died hard. Hah, hah.

Todd: Oh, good times. Well, anyway, here's Lionel Richie with "Ballerina Girl".

''Video of #7. Lionel Richie - "Ballerina Girl"'' Lionel Richie: Ballerina girl...

Todd (VO): See, that's the problem with this list. Most of the worst songs of this year aren't hilarious or wacky, they're just dull as shit. Lionel Richie's "Ballerina Girl" is a father-daughter song so saccharine and sentimental and boring it makes "Butterfly Kisses" sound like "Enter Sandman". I realize there's a place in this world for quieter songs, but this song is so slow I think the tempo is written in negative numbers.

Todd: And it's not like Lionel Richie was ever the most exciting performer to begin with. I mean, his big hit from that album...

Video of "Dancing on the Ceiling" Todd (VO): ...was "Dancing on the Ceiling", and that was his party song. [Unenthusiastic] Oooh, party, party time, woo, gettin' crunk up in here. Yeah, ain't no party like a Lionel Richie party, yeah.

Todd: So when Lionel wants to take things down a notch, that's when you know you start to get worried.

Lionel Richie: I'm never gonna break your heart...

Todd: Well, wait a minute, and this literally occurred to me right before I sat down. If this is a father-daughter song, that means that Lionel wrote this for Paris Hilton BFF/tabloid magnet/useless human being Nicole Richie. Does that make this song utterly hilarious in hindsight? Oh, you better believe it!

Lionel Richie: [against images of Nicole Richie with Paris Hilton, Joel Madden, in a dress and bikini that would look better on anyone else] Ballerina girl, you are so lovely...

Todd: Ah, they grow up so fast. Alright, let's move on before I fall asleep.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #6

''Video of #6. Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam - "Head to Toe"'' Lisa Lisa: Head to toe...

Todd (VO): Oh, God, I hate it!

Todd: Yeah, I'll be honest. This song is on the list entirely for those first few seconds.

Lisa Lisa: Head to toe...

Todd: Uggghhh. Terrible

Lisa Lisa: Ooh, baby, I think I love ya From head to toe

Todd (VO): Not that the rest of this song is any good. I have no idea what made Lisa Lisa any kind of acceptable pop star to anyone. Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam had several minor hit songs through the latter half of the 80s, most of which were completely unlistenable. That her production team called themselves Full Force is a joke to me, considering the fact that everything I've ever heard from them is painfully weak and completely lacking in force.

Todd: Oh, except for this.

Lisa Lisa: Head to toe...

Todd (VO): Yeah, that one off-key blast of bad synth and bad singing unfortunately does hit you with full force. Lisa Lisa allegedly comes from a Latin hip-hop background, but I don't hear it. I just hear an overly chipper Fame reject doing a bad Paula Abdul impression. And what bothers me the most about all this...

Todd: ...is all the reviews I've read comparing this to Motown. Motown? Seriously? How?! What about this sounds anything like Motown?!

Lisa Lisa: 14 karat love, you are my jewel of the Nile When we make love diamonds are forever

Isley Brothers: [image of single cover of "This Old Heart of Mine"] Maybe it's my mistake To show this love I feel inside

Todd (VO): Oh, okay. I guess I do hear it.

Todd: So yeah, this sounds exactly like Motown...except without the tight musicianship, the soulful singing, or the longevity.

Todd (VO): Seriously, why would I wanna listen to Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam when I can just listen to [brief clips of...] the Cult or the Jam?

Lisa Lisa: I think I love you from head to toe...

Todd: Oh dear lord. Make it stop.

Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam: Ooh baby, I think I love you You got to know-ow-ow...

Interlude

Todd (VO): #5.

Todd: It really pains me to have to put a band that I actually really like on this list. Like, I've actually seen them in concert and they're great. [Sigh] But this is an honest list, and it's gotta be what it's gotta be.

Video of Genesis - "Invisible Touch"

Todd (VO): Alright, 1986 and 1987, big years for the band Genesis. Probably the height of their fame, five hit singles off their Invisible Touch album, [shows video of "Land of Confusion"] four of which I really like, including, of course, the world-conquering classic "Land of Confusion". [Video of "In Too Deep"] Now if you were going to guess which of their songs I don't like, judging by the rest of this list you'd probably pick the slow adult-contemporary ballad "In Too Deep".

Todd: But you know what? I think I actually kinda like "In Too Deep". In fact, I think it's the most moving pop song of the 1980s. [Fades into clip from American Psycho] It's about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock.

Patrick Bateman: Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

Todd: No, instead of the dull easy-listening piece, I went with the edgy, angry single. What kind of critic am I?

''Video of #5. Genesis - "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight"'' Phil Collins: Because tonight, tonight, tonight

Todd (VO): I'll tell you what kind of critic—the kind that hates "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" by Genesis. This song is apparently about drug addiction, and if they intended to make a song that sounded as appealing as heroin withdrawal, they succeeded. Most of the songs on this list are too bland, but this is the complete opposite. I cannot believe the same public that put Bryan Adams and Whitney Houston on the pop charts also wanted to hear this crushingly unpleasant song and its highly questionable lyrics.

Phil Collins: I'm going down, going down, like a monkey

Todd (VO): What? "Going down like a monkey"?

Todd: Do monkeys "go down"? [Long pause] How do you know that? Yeah, like a lot of Phil Collins's angry music, "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" is just a dull, discordant slog of a song, and unfortunately there's no [imitates signature drum riff from "In the Air Tonight"] to kick things into gear.

Todd (VO): And don't try to tell me that the ugliness of this song is somehow Genesis going back to their prog roots. This isn't progressive, it's just a mess. [Short snippet of West Side Story] I liked "Tonight", [Snippet of Smashing Pumpkins song] I liked "Tonight, Tonight"...

Todd: ...but "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" is one "tonight" too many.

Phil Collins: Tonight, tonight, tonight...

[Clip from South Park] Stan: Get off the stage, Phil Collins!

Interlude

Todd (VO): #4.

Todd: Alright, 80s music. You think of 80s music, what are you thinking of? You're thinking of hair metal

Video of Bon Jovi - "Living on a Prayer" Jon Bon Jovi: Whoa...we're halfway there...

Todd (VO): We are halfway there, Jon Bon. Specifically, '87 is about the halfway point between hair metal's [Album cover of Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil] dynamic birth and its [Cover of Winger's In the Heart of the Young] sad, well-deserved death. So we've got both sides of it right here. On one hand, you've got the stuff that's aged pretty well, like Bon Jovi and Whitesnake...

Todd: ...and on the other end of it, you've got Europe.

''Video of #4. Europe - "Carrie"'' Europe: Carrie, Carrie...

Todd (VO): Europe is one of the cheesiest bands in history. Their lead singer was named Joey Tempest, for God's sakes. I think even Journey was laughing at them. [Video of "The Final Countdown"] Now Europe, of course, is best known for their cheese classic "The Final Countdown", and a lot of people will tell you that's one of the worst songs of all time. I think it's kind of charming in its ridiculousness. "Carrie", however, is as bad a hair ballad as you're gonna find. This is humiliating to listen to. This song is completely and utterly useless. Even if you have a girlfriend named Carrie, you can't sing it to her—it's a breakup song. You can try it, but I don't think it'll go over very well.

[The song plays over clips of the movie Carrie]

Todd: They are all gonna laugh at you, Europe. They should.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #3.

Todd: So, how do you take a band like this...

Video of Jefferson Airplane - "Somebody to Love" Jefferson Airplane: Don't you want somebody to love Don't you need somebody to love

Todd: ...and then eventually get them to make this?

Video of Starship - "We Built This City" Starship: We built this city

Todd (VO): I don't have any answers for this one either. "We Built This City" is the song everyone thinks of when they pick on Starship. But their big hit in '87... [plays video of...] ...was "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" off the Mannequin soundtrack, if you can believe that, and that song is really, honestly, and truly...

Todd: ...one of my favorite songs of the decade. No, I'm not kidding. [Consults list] Let's see what else we got on this list. We got..."Mandolin Rain", that's a good song; "Always" by Atlantic Starr, also good; "Didn't We Almost Have It All" by Whitney Houston, all good songs. So I've made my point, right? It's not like I hate everything out of the soft-rock genre. I do like some of it; it's just... I have a line. So going back to the original question—[Clips of Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4" and "You're the Inspiration"] who turned this into this? This guy!

''Video of #3. Peter Cetera & Amy Grant - "The Next Time I Fall"'' Peter Cetera: Next time I fall in love

Todd (VO): Peter Cetera is one of the true real-life villains of the 80s, right up there with [images of...] Ayatollah Khomeini, Pablo Escobar, the guy who shot the Pope. Peter Cetera is a war criminal, Peter Cetera made the stock market crash, Peter Cetera killed my dog.

Amy Grant: ...like I wanted to before

Todd (VO): ...and apparently Peter Cetera was also worried that he might not be able to suck as hard without Chicago, so he actually recruited a contemporary Christian singer to duet with him—a move so evil, I cannot believe James Bond never showed up to assassinate him.

Peter Cetera and Amy Grant: [lyrics on video] Next time I fall in love I'll know better what to do Next time I fall in love Peter Cetera: Whoo-ooh-ooh! (??)

Todd: And what else is there to say about this song? It's bland, it's boring. Here's a list of synonyms for bland: List is shown: bland, blah, boring, dull, dull as dishwater, flat, flavorless, ho hum, humdrum, insipid, monotonous, nerdy, nothing, pabulum, sapless, tame, tedious, unexciting, uninspiring, uninteresting And that's it, that's all I have. This song is just a giant beige avalanche burying you in suck.

Peter Cetera: Next time I fall in love It will be with you

Todd: And with that, I think we've finally exhausted our supply of bad cheesy soft rock from the 80s. Now I'm not promising the rest of the list is gonna be good, obviously, but at the very least, it'll be a more animated level of bad. Thank God. Let's get to it.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #2.

''Video of #2. Glenn Medeiros - "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You"'' Glenn Medeiros: Nothing's gonna change my love for you You ought to know by now how much I love you One thing you can be sure of...

Todd has his head down, pounding the top of the keyboard

Todd: I hate this list, I hate this list, I hate this list so goddamn much. It's just a stupid, stupid idea. I hate this list.

Glenn Medeiros: If I had to live my life without you near me

Todd: This song makes my skin crawl. My mother loves it.

Glenn Medeiros: Hold me now, touch me now

Todd (VO): Glenn Medeiros was a Portuguese-Hawaiian kid who was 17 when he won a local radio contest. He cut a record and, out of nowhere, it got big. And you can tell this was a record never intended for mass consumption because everything about this record screams "I was meant to be seen by a few friends and family and that's it!"

Glenn Medeiros: You don't have to change a thing I love you just the way you are

Todd (VO): Uh, Mr. Medeiros, call for you from Billy Joel's lawyers on line two.

Todd: And, of course, the lameness of this song is augmented by what has to be the saddest, sorriest excuse for a music video ever witnessed by man. I'm not sure that I didn't accidentally find the [karaoke track plays on video] karaoke video for this instead. You gotta give credit for them for making a video that's look exactly like the ad for the compilation CD this inevitably ended up on. [List of tracks fly by] Order now and get all of these classic hits. Medeiros had one more hit—a duet with Bobby freaking Brown, of all people—and then he mercifully disappeared and the world did its best to forget he ever existed.

Todd: But now we've cleared out all the boring ones, right? I mean, that's gotta be it. There's no way that I can top that for bad easy-listening schlock. There's no more. We're done, right? [Long pause] Prepare yourselves.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #1.

Todd: Okay, some acts, no matter how big they get, you don't see them on the pop charts. [Images of...] Yo-Yo Ma does not have any pop hits, the Wiggles do not have any pop hits. And it's not like those acts are unpopular, it's just...you don't see them on the pop charts because they don't go on the pop charts, they don't belong on the pop charts, and if...if you saw them on the pop charts, you be like, "Whhhaaa...?" It'd be hilarious, but it wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. It just...couldn't...happen.

''Video of #1. Kenny G - "Songbird"''

Todd (VO): Oh no. No way. No way! I refuse to believe that the general public of 1987 put actual literal elevator music on the hit parade. No, no, no, no, no.

Todd: 1987, you have gone too far! I legitimately did not believe that Kenny G had any hit songs.

Todd (VO): I mean, I know my parents have the Kenny G Christmas album, possibly in an attempt to keep us from getting too excited about Christmas, but...on the radio? On television with an actual music video?! Why?! It's bad enough to listen to—who would wanna look at it?! He's just standing there! He's not doing anything, he's just playing his stupid saxophone!

Todd: There's not even any lyrics! Screw this, I'm gonna come up with my own lyrics.

Todd (VO): ''[to tune] Kenny G, he's a stupid-looking guy And he plays his goddamn saxophone It makes me want to die He's playing...'' Oh, why am I sitting here listening to Kenny freaking G?!?! Why am I doing this?! God, make it [long bleep]

Todd: There you have it. 1987—the year that brought you Kenny G. Screw this year, screw this entire overrated decade! I'm out. [Gets up and leaves]

Closing tag song: Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"

''THE END 1987 is owned by Prince's "Sign o' the Times" This video is owned by me''