Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

(We start off with Todd in the Shadows, in the light, in front of his computer)

Todd: Hmm, what to do, what to do? There doesn't seem to be any massively terrible pop songs I need to review right now. Well, I suppose I can finish off that Top 10 Worst Songs List of 19--(Suddenly his Skype alert goes off) Lupa? Lupa?

(Instead it's Film Brain)

FB: Hi, Todd!

Todd: (dejected) Oh... Hi, Matthew.

FB: So Todd, the fourth year anniversary's coming up. Do you wanna do another crossover?

Todd: Oh absolutely, I really enjoyed watching Sunday School Musical. Okay, maybe not enjoyed...

FB: Don't you wanna wait and see what movie I have planned?

Todd: No it's cool, I trust your judgement. What is it?

FB: Oh, nothing. Just (taking out the dvd of...) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

Todd: (he takes out a shotgun and cocks it) Bring it on.

(Now we get to the opening of Bad Movie Beatdown with Todd playing the piano version of Ready To Roll)

(Suddenly Todd busts into FB's hotel room)

FB: Aah!

Todd: Let's do this!

FB: Didn't you have...a weapon?

Todd: They would not let me take it on the plane. So, why did you pick that movie to review? Cause of its butchering of decent pop songs?

FB: No, I just like seeing my fellow contributors in pain.

Todd: Yeah, I figured after the whole Rap Critic thing with Big Mama's House and all that. How can you stand all this crap?

FB: (steepling his hands) Because I'm insane.

Todd: Yeah, no shit. Well, let's get this over with.

Todd (vo): In 1958, struggling songwriter Ross Bagdasarian found himself a winning gimmick after discovering he could make his voice sound funny by increasing the speed of the recording. He built three cartoon characters to fit the high pitch: Alvin, Simon and Theodore, the Chipmunks. They were a big hit in the 50's, a big hit again during the 80's, and revived one more time by a live-action movie in 2007. (clips from the first movie play) And despite a terrible marketing campaign that prominently featured a scene where Alvin eats shit, I actually didn't think that movie was that bad. It actually had a few funny jokes, had a decent running plotline about making fun of the miserable behind the scenes machinery of teen pop stardom, and it was self aware about the silliness of making a live-action Chipmunks movie. Now keep in mind there's no way it could've actually been good, per se, but when you got the movie versions of (posters of) Gardield, Underdog or the Smurfs to compare it to, I maintain you could do worse.

FB (vo): I agree, and I largely put this down to ex-Simpsons writer Jon Vitti being one of the writing team. I've watched it twice: once as a review candidate and once for this review before you harp on me, and it's harmless. It's not exactly great, but you could certainly do far worse. And honestly the kids loved it because it made a whopping $360 million dollars worldwide, so a sequel was inevitable.

FB: Enter the Squeakquel, which is exactly what you think the first one would be and then some. And as someone who's watched all three Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, I can tell you that this, by far, is the worst.

Todd: You actually saw the third one? Is that even out on dvd yet?

FB: I saw it in the theater in a professional capacity.

Todd: Are you sure you're not obsessed?

FB: You shut up! I'm not obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks!

Todd: ...Why don't we go on to the review?