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Ask ThatGuy Episode 22 (September 5, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, G’Day mate! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: I am in a tight and enclosed room at the moment and I have severe claustrophobia. What should I do?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The answer is get out of that room. What are you, stupid? If you’re afraid of enclosed spaces then don’t be in enclosed. Now let’s say you’re in a situation where you can’t out of that enclosed space.That means you were stupid enough to get in that enclosed space to begin with. In which case means you deserve to be there. God doesn’t reward stupid people. Only those who make fun of stupid people. Like me. Yes.

Narrator: Do you have any world records?

ThatGuy: Yes. I hold the world record for the amount of times I have been asked that question. I hold this record because I actually pay someone to ask me that question over and over again. Here’s a picture of what he looks like. [Shows a picture of someone screaming] Extraordinary!

Narrator: If what goes up must come down, where the fuck do my balloons go?

ThatGuy: They go to balloony heaven. A magical word where all balloons go to die. In balloony heaven there are no clowns or carnival folk. Nor are there little children who tug at their strings and pop them. There is only helium, lots and lots of helium. Which the balloons use to get high. Hence the phrase ‘high as a balloon’. I’m not wearing any pants.

Narrator: I very recently fell out of my bed and landed headfirst. I am now suffering from immense and epic amnesia. What is my name?

ThatGuy: Your name is Adam and you are my personal slave. You fell out of someone else’s bed because you where looking for other slaves and obviously got amnesia. But now you must return back to me and do all my evil biddings. Such as cooking and cleaning. Fixing my car. And of course giving me all of your money and credit cards. We use to do this all the time and you’d laugh and laugh. So please, come on back to my home so I can mentally and emotionally break you again. And for any of you who think I might be lying. Shut up. I have a good thing going here.

Narrator: The police said that I can't drive at 200 mph. Why?

ThatGuy: Because traffic cops are fucking dicks! This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End