Give Me Everything

(Todd plays "Give Me Everything" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: PITBULL ft. NE-YO& YAYER - "GIVE ME EVERYTHING" A pop song review)

Todd: More club shit?! Seriously?!

Video for Taio Cruz - "Dynamite" Taio Cruz: I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

Todd (VO): Okay, expanding on my thesis from my last episode, you know this [Clips of Britney Spears - "Till the World Ends"], this [Chris Brown - "Yeah 3x"], and this [Not sure on them, please help]? This kind of music is probably dying.

Todd: I wanna say that it's because the economy's in the crapper and we don't need to hear any more successful billionaires bragging about what a good time they're having, but it's probably just overexposure. I don't think we're gonna have a [footage of...] Disco Demolition Night or anything, and there's [clip of "Smells Like Teen Spirit"] no Nirvana coming along to sweep everything away; the world's just kinda getting sick of it, especially after last year, when these songs utterly dominated. Now today, [clips of Foster the People - "Pumped Up Kicks"] one of the most stereotypically hipstery songs I've ever heard is vaulting into the pop charts, [Lil Wayne - "How to Love"] and Lil Wayne has released an acoustic ballad. The times they are a-changing. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. After all, people will always wanna have a good time...

Video for Pitbull - "Hotel Room Service"

Todd (VO): ...and one person who steadfastly refuses to let the party die is a very, very pale Hispanic man who goes by the stage name Pitbull, a man who has scaled to the top of the pop charts despite a tragic birth defect that causes him to speak entirely out of one side of his mouth.

''Video for Pitbull - "I Know You Want Me" Pitbull: I know you want me You know I want cha

Todd: I first became aware of Pitbull back during

Video for Daddy Yankee - "Rompe"

Todd (VO): ...his debut in 2004, and I didn't really get into him partly because I was only vaguely familiar with popular music at the time, and partly because of my painfully limited high school Spanish. I mean, hell, I don't even know what "rompe" means.

Daddy Yankee: Rompe, rompe, rompe Bien guilla'o

Todd (VO): Wait a minute. Wait a minute, this guy isn't Pitbull. Who the hell is this?! [Album cover of Talento de Barrio] There was another of him?! How is that even possible?!

Todd: No, no, no, I did hear a song by Pitbull back then.

Video for Pitbull ft. Lil Jon - "Culo"

Todd (VO): Yeah, that's the one. But I didn't really get to know him until [Video for Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull - "I Like It" a couple of years ago when he was suddenly everywhere. Now I've touched on Pitbull and his work before, but I've never done a full review of one of his songs, partly because I'm not sure he has any of his own songs—he just seems to guest on other people's songs. In the past few years, I've seen him [Clip "DJ Got Us Falling in Love" damn near ruin Usher's best tune, [Clip of Pitbull ft. T-Pain - "Hey Baby (Drop It on the Floor)"] somehow make T-Pain sound uncool...

Todd: ...and remember that blessedly brief [Clip of Ricky Martin - "Livin La Vida Loca"] Latin pop craze of the late 90s? Well, Pitbull seems to be using his star power to engineer every single artist from that genre. [Montage of Pitbull featured alongside...] Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez, Marc freaking Anthony all suddenly back with hits. And if I suddenly see [Cover of Por Amor] Menudo on the pop charts again, I'll know why.

"I Know You Want Me"

Todd (VO): Well, he's omnipresent enough that I had to give him this full episode because it's pretty safe to say that I'm not much of a fan. Compared to his closest peer Flo Rida, Pitbull has admittedly more personality, but far fewer lyrical skills. Now I probably shouldn't say this while Soulja Boy and will.i.am are still around, but...

Todd: Pitbull may be the worst lyricist in mainstream radio today.

Pitbull: Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey Look like King Kong

Todd (VO): Some might excuse his tendency towards bad punchlines as something caused by English not being his first language, but that's not true because for one, he was born in America, and...

Todd: ...for another, he doesn't seem to be all that good at Spanish either.

Pitbull: [Spanish lyrics translate] I'm going to make you feel good You have a big mouth Come and play

Todd (VO): Sir, I really hope that was a wonderful compliment in your culture that just didn't translate very well. [Video for "Hey Baby (Drop It on the Floor)"] Now Pitbull has one of two songs—the "let's have fun at this party" song, and the "let's pick up chicks at the party" song.

Todd: His newest song is [single cover] one of the latter, something called "Give Me Everything" featuring R&B crooner Ne-Yo.

Clip from The Matrix  Neo: Whoa.

Todd: No, [single cover of "Miss Independent"] Ne-Yo. Nee...nay...I don't know. Maybe it's transliterated from Japanese? Honestly, I've always kinda liked Ne-Yo. [Clip from Ne-Yo - "Closer"] He can be a little boring sometimes, but maybe he's on the hook. Actually this might be okay. Who knows? So, Pitbull, please try not to ruin this song.

Video for "Give Me Everything" Pitbull: Me not working hard? Yeah, right! Picture that with a Kodak Or, better yet, go to Times Square Take a picture of me with a Kodak

Todd goes to computer, prints something out, and brings it back

Todd: Pitbull, a list of words that rhyme with Kodak: sad sack, pitch black, ice pack, gun rack, racetrack, blackjack, ass crack, wolfpack, hijack, knick-knack, paddy whack, heart attack, smoke attack, ladies ponies at the track, it's my chocolate attack...HOW HARD IS THAT?!

Todd (VO): Even ignoring the double rhyme, what was the point of those lines? Did Kodak pay him for product placement? Was something in those lines meant to be funny? Was there a punchline in there somewhere? Was he trying to brag about being in Times Square? So what? [Footage of street vendor] This guy's in Times Square too, doesn't mean anything!

Todd: This was the first...five...seconds of the song!

Todd (VO): The music wasn't even loud or anything so you could ignore it! He even enunciated more than he usually does because he wanted you to hear it! Why?!

Todd: Goddamn. Hey, Ne-Yo, you've got a way with words. Take the mic away from this idiot, give us the hook.

Pitbull: Pitbull, Nayer, Ne-Yo That's right Ne-Yo: Tonight I'm a la la you tonight

Todd: What?

Ne-Yo: I'm a gnaw log you tonight

Todd: What?

Ne-Yo: Aminal of you tonight

Todd: What? Why are the horrible opening lines perfectly enunciated, and yet I can't make out the first line of the chorus?! Sorry, whatever. Keep going.

Ne-Yo: Tonight I want all of you tonight Give me everything tonight

Todd (VO): Geez, could you try to sound a little less depressed?

Todd: [singing sadly] Give me everything tonight

Ne-Yo: Give me everything tonight For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Todd (VO): "We might not have tomorrow"?

Todd: Uh...why not?

Todd (VO): Have the aliens invaded? What do you know that we don't, Ne-Yo?

Todd: Or...oh, no. [Clip from "Party Rock Anthem"] Has the LMFAO horde of ironic hipster dance zombies taken over the country?! We're doomed! We're doomed! Oh, wait. Heard LMFAO's followup single.

Clip of LMFAO - "Champagne Showers" LMFAO: Champagne showers

Todd (VO): Yeah, I don't think the world's in danger of being taken over by LMFAO-mania anytime soon.

Todd: Carry on.

Pitbull: Ima make you feel so good, tonight Cause we might not get tomorrow

Todd (VO): Look, I don't know why singers pull out this apocalyptic stuff when they don't really believe it. Now that's the same problem I had with his verse on that Usher song.

Clip from "DJ Got Us Falling in Love"

Todd (VO): See, Usher genuinely believes we might not have tomorrow; Pitbull just wasn't on the same wavelength.

Pitbull: My life is a movie, you're just TiVo

Todd: Year later, still stupid.

Todd (VO): So that's kind of my problem here too. You see, Pitbull doesn't really believe we might not have tomorrow; he's going to the same party every goddamn night.

Clip from Anchorman  Ron Burgundy: And in no way is that depressing.

Todd: Besides, Pitbull, you're a celebrity, dude. You got fame, money...charm? You gotta be able to do better than, "God, you should have sex with me because, you know, we might be dead tomorrow," or something. Try harder. Do something to make yourself look cool.

Pitbull: Baby, baby, and it ain't no secret My family's from Cuba But I'm an American Idol Got money like Seacrest

Todd: [head in hand] Okay, first off, Ryan Seacrest is not an American Idol, he's the host of American Idol. [Picture of Seacrest] I refuse to live in a world where Ryan Seacrest is considered an idol. ''[Google search for ryan seacrest fansite. Did you mean: literally anything else?]'' Seriously, who the hell idolizes Ryan Seacrest? The point is..

Todd (VO): do you really, really wanna compare yourself to Ryan Seacrest?

Todd: You wanna pick someone with a little more street cred, like [pictures of...] Lawrence Welk...or Hitler? Ah, enough of Pitbull, back to Ne-Yo.

Ne-Yo: For all we know, we might not get tomorrow Let's do it tonight (said as "tonoit")

Todd (VO): Tonoi...okay, that's another thing that's bugging me. What's with the weird Australian accent all of the sudden?

Todd: Or am I mishearing that?

Ne-Yo: Let's do it to annoy

Todd (VO): Oh, okay. Makes sense for a Pitbull song.

Ne-Yo: Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey Give me everything tonight Give me everything tonight

Todd: Seriously?

Ne-Yo: Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey Give me everything tonight

Todd: Well, okay.

Cut to Obscurus Lupa, who's doing dishes. Todd: [grabbing her from behind to her horror] Hey, give me everything tonight! [She grabs a rubber lizard and hits him until he goes away]

Todd (back to the chair): Ow. Think I'm wearing her down. No, seriously...

Todd (VO): ...why does, like, every third song I review on this show sound like a sex offender wrote it? Is Billboard secretly sponsored by roofies? ''[Billboard logo...brought to you by: Roofies! We put the "hip" in "Rohypnol"!]''

Pitbull: Think about it Cause if you slip, I'm gonna fall on top of yo girl (hahaa)

Todd (VO): Don't laugh at your own jokes, Pitbull.

Pitbull: I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin' I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Todd (VO): Ha, "locked up like Lindsay Lohan"

Todd: She has serious drug problems. Oh, by the way, I wanted to share this little news item with you. [News article about...] Yes, she's actually suing for defamation of character. I like it—fight stupid with stupid. And I appreciate there's officially one other person than me who has actually listened to Pitbull's lyrics, so thank you for that, lawyers o' Lohan.

Pitbull: Pitbull, Nayer, Ne-Yo That's right Ne-Yo: Tonight

Todd (VO): Oh yeah, I forgot, there's another person on the track.

Todd: A newcomer by the name of...Nay-yeah...

Pitbull: Nayer

Todd: Nay...whatever. Now I have no idea who this is...

Todd (VO): but she gets to be on a song with two established artists, that's a pretty big deal. So this Nayer girl's, that's...gotta be a big boost for her career.

Todd: She ain't bad lookin' either. This girl might be the next big thing. Yeah, come on. Give us a hot performance, girl!

Nayer: Don't care what they say All the games they play Nothing is enough 'Til they handle love

Todd (VO): Um...

Todd: Could you speak up?

Todd (VO): Music's kinda drowning you out.

Todd: Project.

Nayer: ...tonight I want you to stay I want you tonight Ne-Yo: Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey

Todd: [clapping] Okay, great job, great job. There, everyone applaud, what a wonderful effort, we got a nice participation trophy for you somewhere. All right...

Todd (VO): ...put the famous people back on.

Todd: Geez, real star-making performance there.

Pitbull: Can't promise tomorrow But I promise tonight Dale [picture of Dolly Parton (Dolly!)]

Ne-Yo: Give me everything tonight

Todd (VO): Okay, I know he's smiling, but he sure doesn't sound like he's having fun.

Todd: No, this song needs, like, an [clips of...] Usher, a T-Pain, a...a Michael Bolton perhaps.[from the Lonely Island song]

Clip from "Jack Sparrow" Andy Samberg: Michael Bolton Michael Bolton: Yeah...

Todd (VO): But not this guy. Actually, you know, the more I listen to this song, the more I think Pitbull's not really the problem with this. The problem's Ne-Yo. Pitbull is a horrible, horrible lyricist, but at least he's always up for a good time.

Todd: I got to admit, I'm kinda groovin' to this despite myself.

Pitbull: But I might drink a little more than I should tonight And I might take you home with me, if I could tonight And, baby, Ima make you feel so good, tonight

Todd: Yeah, have some awkward, had-too-much-to-drink sex...tonight. Yeah, that's exactly what you hope for from a party, I can get behind that, but...Ne-Yo?

Todd (VO): You know, he's not bad, I think he's a decent songwriter, not a bad singer at the very least. But...you know, listen to his stuff.

Todd: He's not really the guy you go to to get the party started, you know?

Video for "Mad" Ne-Yo: We're fighting this war, baby When both of us are losing

"Sexy Love"

Rihanna - "Hate That I Love You" Ne-Yo: I can't stand how much I need you

"Miss Independent" Ne-Yo: And her bills are paid on time

"So Sick" Ne-Yo: Gotta fix that calendar I had that's marked July 15th Because if there’s no more you there’s no more anniversary

Todd: [bottle in hand] WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! [blows party favor] PARTY!!!!!!!! Y'all gon' make me lose my mind! Up in here, up in here!

Todd (VO): The guy just sounds sad. The guy he's supporting is a moron. No, this doesn't work for me.

Todd: I tried, I've given this song everything I had...tonight. But final verdict—[thumb down] no.

Todd (VO): I mean, yeah, this song isn't that bad. Not a terrible song, certainly compared to other things Pitbull's done. Maybe if they some other guys to perform it, I'd appreciate it more. But like I said, I'm glad there's a lot less party club music on the charts anyway.

Todd: In fact, I'm looking down the Top 10 right now [looking at the Top 10 of the week], and I think I see an actual rock band in there. Yeah! We're sick of these "party party party tonight" songs. Let's see some rock n' roll!

Video for Hot Chelle Rae - "Tonight Tonight" Hot Chelle Rae: Tonight tonight There's a party on the rooftop Top of the world

Todd: For crap's sake. [Walks off]

Pitbull: Cause we might not get tomorrow

Closing tag song: Annie - "Tomorrow"

''THE END "Give Me Everything" is owned by J Records This video is owned by me Thank you to Lupa (and Lindsay'' for filming it)

Outtake with Lindsay and Todd (and a dog)