Legend of Zorro

(The episode opens with clips from The Mask of Zorro as the parody of Zorro theme song sung by Doug Walker is played.)

Out of the night when summer films were shite, 

Came the movie known as Zorro,

It was bold and risque, 

'''Zeta-Jones... fuckin' A, '''

'''Complete straight A's for Zorro. '''

Zorro (2x) 

'''Winning box office with ease. '''

Zorro (2x) 

His wife a total cock-tease.

(Then it cut to the clips from its sequel, The Legend of Zorro.)

Six years too late, on a cruel twist of fate, 

Came a less impressive Zorro, 

He was drunk and depraved 

Made us crave the Gay Blade, 

'''Twas a sad day for poor Zorro. '''

Zorro (2x) 

'''With slapstick that sucks shit. '''

Zorro (2x) 

'''A kid, goddammit, a kid. '''

Zorro (2x) 

'''Stunts like a fucking cartoon. '''

Zorro (2x) 

'''A lame ass-sucking buffoon. '''

Zorry (x12)

(Then we come to the opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Director Martin Campbell has been getting a bit of a reputation as a savior of franchises.

NC: (vo) Not only did he revive (cue posters of GoldenEye and Casino Royale) the James Bond movies from total destruction twice, but he also brought the classic (cut to clips from...) Zorro back from the grave in The Mask of Zorro. In a time when everything was CG explosions and disaster films, this gave us actual stunts, developed characters, comedy, drama, oldcomers, newcomers. It was a reminder of how summer movies were supposed to be done, and, of course, it was a big hit, so big that everyone involved went on to do other things. The spotlight was suddenly on these people, and they didn't want this to be the only thing they were associated with. [beat] (Posters for Original Sin, America's Sweethearts, Spy Kids 3D, The Haunting) But then, after a few shitty movies, they said, "Yes, yes! We do want to be associated with this! Remember when we were good here? Remember when you loved us here? Well, we're gonna help you relive those moments all over again with a sequel." [beat] A mere seven years later. [The year 2005 is shown as a caption]

NC: Way to ride that hot streak, guys.

[Clips from The Legend of Zorro are shown as NC speaks]

NC (vo): But, hey, even if something came out six years too late, it doesn't mean it necessarily makes it a bad product. [Chuckles] No. The fact that it's a bad product is what makes it a bad product. Where the first film had a bit of an edge to it with family members being killed off and disembodied heads in jars, this one plays like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon. No drama, no logic, and stunts you'd see at a Six Flags Stunt Show than a high-budget sequel. It was a pretty major letdown.

NC: But it's one thing to talk about it, it's something else entirely to experience it. So, let's take a look at Hollywood's shitty-ass... [Pretends to use a sword to carve a Z shape] Z-quel.

[The movie begins]

NC (vo): So California's on the verge of becoming the 31st state as an election is held to hopefully merge the Union. (One of the ballots is marked with a Z instead of a check, showing that it's being signed by Zorro) Insert immediate stupid as Zorro apparently votes in the election. That must've been an interesting registration form to fill out.

(We cut to Doug dressed up as Zorro and Malcolm Ray with a sombrero, mustache and poncho)

Malcolm: Okay sir, if you could just please fill out your...

Doug Zorro: HAHA! (he just paints a Z on the registration form)

Malcolm: Sir, that's a Z. (Everytime he puts a new one out, Doug Zorro just paints another Z on it) We're going to need your full name. Those won't count as--(fed up with the constant Zs) Okay, whatever. (And then Doug Zorro paints a Z onto his own face)

NC (vo): But a villain with two frozen bacon strips on his face comes to steal the ballots by... shooting their hats off.

Padre Felipe: State your business, McGivens.

Jacob McGivens: I haven't voted yet.

Felipe: Aw, I'm sorry you're too late. The polls have already closed.

NC (vo): (As McGivens) Don't mess with me, boy. I caused the Top Hat Massacre of 43.

(McGivens snaps his fingers and several other goons appear with rifles pointed)

NC (vo): Of course Zorro, played by Antonio Banderas, comes in to save the day.

(The goons shoot at Zorro, all of them wildly missing their shots)

NC (vo): (as Goon) Sir, what do we do? He has no hat to shoot! (as McGivens) Then God help us all! (normal) They literally try to steal the election by putting the votes a carriage with the world's strongest fucking horses. (The horses power through a brick arch like it was made of paper) That's solid brick! What kind of steroid oats are you feeding these things?

(Zorro manages to get back the ballot box and is cornered by one of the goons. Zorro smacks him in the face, making him fall crotch first onto a wood beam, with Zorro reacting to it)

NC (vo): (as Zorro) Oh yeah, we did the 90s crotch reaction. And it's 2005. (McGivens kicks Zorro off the platform) (normal) Oh, and get a load of this denial of reality.

(As Zorro is falling, he whips onto one of the beams above it, then swings under and through the platform, kicking the guy above him. NC is quite confused, even with diagrams!)

NC: No!

NC (vo): [McGivens] lands on a cactus so we can have this awkwardly painful reaction shot. (McGivens is panting with cactus quills on his face) Jesus, even Wile E. Coyote who's had God knows how many reactions to cactus is like...

(Cut to a picture of Wile E. Coyote)

Coyote: Yeah, that was weird.

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