Alice Through the Looking Glass

(After the Channel Awesome logo, we cold-open on NC rummaging through some drawers)

NC: I know I left it here somewhere... (opens one drawer and brightens up) Ah, here we go! (picks up and looks at what he found: a DVD of Alice in Wonderland (the original animated version)) The original classic! You know, when did Tim Burton and Johnny Depp become the people you call to tone down the imagination?

(He gets up and starts to leave, taking the DVD with him. A mirror is shown with his reflection in it as he leaves. Suddenly, however, Malice appears in the mirror!)

Malice: Critic!

NC: (turning around) Malice?

Malice: We need your help right away!

NC: Oh, my God! Tell me all about it!

Malice: Well, there's great trouble brewing in– (she is interrupted, however, as NC leaves, slamming the door shut) Twat.

(NC sits down on the couch and turns on the movie. As the opening credits play, however, Malice appears on the TV screen, brandishing her knife. NC groans)

Malice: (threateningly) Don't make me go curiouser on your ass.

NC: Oh, come on, Malice! I know I'm doing a Disney live-action remake month, but they didn't even do an animated Through the Looking Glass movie!

Malice: Yes, but the animated Alice in Wonderland looks more like Through the Looking Glass than the live-action Through the Looking Glass.

NC: Sadly, true.

Malice: Besides, a lot has changed: Tim Burton's gone, everything's more bright and colorful, even Johnny Depp's better.

NC: Really? All that happened?

Malice: It's only two out of those three things, yes.

NC: (sighs) All right, how do I get there? Do I eat something or go through a magical door?

Malice: (holding up remote control) No, you use this technologically-advanced time machine to go anywhere you'd like.

(In NC's room, a time machine (actually, the Talent Replacer 9000) appears, making beeping sounds as it does)

NC: (deadpan) Gee, how magical.

(NC walks up to the time machine. There is the sound of electricity crackling coming from the machine, followed by an explosion. When it clears, NC is seen walking through a beautiful, pastoral setting, much to his surprise. He sees green grass, flowers, trees and a running stream. Malice is also standing there, holding the remote control in one hand and her knife in the other)

Malice: Well, what do you think?

NC: (nods) I think this might actually work.

(Cue the 2018 opening intro, then we return to the pastoral setting with NC and Malice)

NC: Wow! (behind him, Malice raises her knife to stab him in the back) I just can't get over how beautiful everything looks! I mean, it's bright, it's colorful...

(He sees Walter Banasiak, wearing a Red Power Ranger helmet mask, and Dinosaur Rob beating each other up)

NC: ...surreal! I mean, dare I say it, there's a sense of wonder here!

Malice: (putting away knife and walking forward) Good, I didn't want to have to cut off your balls and feed them to my wildebeest.

NC: It sounds like you did.

Malice: I did, but I won't. (walks off)

NC: Eh, that's progress.

(NC follows Malice while Walter and Dino Rob strangle each other. We then are shown the house of Carrotjuice (which, for some reason, has a Russian flag on its roof). Cut to the inside: the room has multicolored walls with various photos and pictures of rabbits and bunnies. Carrotjuice himself is sadly looking at a picture of ginger bunnies. On the table nearby him, there is a bust of Lewis Carroll and his book "The Best of Lewis Carroll")

NC: (rubbing his forehead) So, remind me again what the urgent matter is.

Malice: Carrotjuice is sad.

NC: ...And?!

Malice: His entire family died in a fire.

NC: Recently?

Malice: No, long ago. And we have to stake our entire world upon making him happy again.

NC: Okay, look, i-i-it sucks that he's sad. Really sucks, but...it happens. People cope!

Malice: No, we have to go back in time to cause his family's death.

NC: Huh?

Malice: As well as causing every horrible thing that's ever happened in our world.

NC: What?

Malice: While trying to learn a lesson about not being able to change the past, but being rewarded for changing the past.

NC: Repeat of previous "What"?

Carrotjuice: It's mad! Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

NC: Yeah, but there's a difference between mad and dumb! Mad is being concerned that a pocketwatch is two days slow or everybody's cheating to win a race that everybody wins. Dumb is trying to take those simple, charming ideas and turn 'em into a big action end-of-the-world thriller!

Carrotjuice: But... (makes a "wipe a tear off the cheek" gesture) I'm sad.

NC: (annoyed) I don't care that you're sad! If anything, it pisses me off that all our problems are centered around a dumb, moping jackass!

Carrotjuice: Bunny.

NC: Asshole is what you are!

Malice: Well, you're obviously no help. Come on, Carrotjuice. (Carrotjuice gets up from the chair as she leaves the house) Let's go back in time and almost cause the end of the world to perk you up.

Carrotjuice: (hands his picture of bunnies over to NC) Here.

(He leaves as well. NC stares at the picture for some seconds... throws it onto the floor and sits himself down on the chair. A loud sound of glass shattering is heard)

NC: (to the camera) Yeah. (takes out the Alice Through the Looking Glass Blu-ray) That's pretty much what happens.

(The Disney Live-Action Remake Month intro is played, but this time with comparison of the animated and the Johnny Depp versions of the Mad Hatter. Then, we are shown the title of the 2016 movie Alice Through the Looking Glass, before going to its clips)

NC (vo): The sequel to the unfortunate live-action hit, Alice in Wonderland, happily didn't win over audiences or critics. On the one hand, it's very easy to see why: it's continuing its lame attempt at making Wonderland...

NC: Oh, sorry. (finger quotes) "Underland". However did I confuse those two?

NC (vo): ...into a rebellious, action-packed resistance movie. Like its predecessor, it has virtually nothing to do with the Lewis Carroll books, but, to its credit, it does actually have seeds of what Alice in Wonderland was.

NC: Okay, they're seeds growing under a brick house of dumb, but they're still seeds!

NC (vo): Is it a shame, then, that this one made less money despite it having more elements from the books than the original, or is this series just getting inevitably what it deserves?

NC: Let's take a closer look. This is Alice Through the Looking Glass.

(The film opens in 1874. On the way to London, the ship is cornered by the Malay pirates in the Strait of Malacca. And this ship is captained by Alice Kingsley)

Alice: Surrendering my father's ship...

NC: Okay, when I said there's elements of the original, I didn't mean right away.

NC (vo; sighs): Yeah, Alice is the captain of her own ship now. And she's about as commanding as Keira Knightley leading pirates. Between the two of them, I don't think they could lead a school of fish.

Alice: Hard to port, Harper!

NC (vo): I'll give credit to Alice, played again by Mia Wasikowska, there is at least a little investment in her performance. Though, granted, after the last film, an agressive blink would be welcomed at this point.

(A small clip from the 2010 movie is shown, showing Alice before the fight with Jabberwocky)

Alice: That's enough chatter.

NC: Whoa! Tone down there, Daniel Day-Lewis!

(Alice manages to return to London and meets with her mother Helen. At evening, they are shown attending the Hamish residence)

NC (vo): But she doesn't have much to work off of as, once again, she plays the ahead-of-her-time outsider who must prove she's tough and independent before proving she's interesting or has a personality.

(As Alice and Helen enter the mansion, they see many guests that have arrived. NC overdubs all of the guests with "Most unorthodox!" and "This is most unorthodox!". After that, Alice is shown speaking to her ex-fiancé, Hamish Ascot)

NC (vo): Hell, the cliched pomous uppity-cocks have more personality, if you really think about it.

Hamish: No other company is in the business of hiring female clerks. Let alone ship's captains. (chortles along with his partners)

NC: (as Hamish, chortling while showing off his teeth) Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! My teeth can't get any bigger, (takes out a big round glass) but my monocle certainly can! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Hamish: There will be no further expeditions. You will start in files, but in time. (shrugs, raising an eyebrow)

NC (vo; as Hamish): My transition of Billy Zane (???) is almost complete. (as Alice) But my transition into the NBC peacock is almost complete! (as Hamish) Let's just agree with sillier than anything we're going to see in Wonderland. (as Alice) Underland. (as Hamish) Oh, yes. Stupid movies.

Alice: Your father set those shares aside for me.

Hamish: He gave them to your mother, who sold them to me a year ago while you were gone. Along with the bond on the house.

NC (vo): House bonds, stock shares, company ownership... Alice in Wonderland, everybody!

NC: (looks in "The Best of Lewis Carroll" book) At this point, in the original book, she just got done...

(John Tenniel's illustrations to "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" are shown as NC describes the events)

NC (vo): ...talking with flowers and met a queen on a giant chessboard.

(Back to the 2016 movie)

NC (vo): But hell with that shit! Here, she's wondering whether or not she wants to sign over her father's ship to save her mother's house.

(Alice retreats to the garden and cries)

NC (vo): Eh, but it's in the garden. That's...kind of the same thing!

(Cut back to Alice talking to her mother who has sold Alice's shares in her father's company)

Helen: A sea captain is no job for a lady. You can't just make things however you want them to be.

NC: Clearly, you've never met the writers of these movies.

(Alice sees a blue butterfly in the garden, thinking it's her old friend, Absolem, and follows her to Hamish's study with the looking-glass on the wall. She locks the door and reaches out to discover her hand can go through the mirror)

NC (vo): We do eventually get into... (sighs) Underland, as the caterpillar, now a butterfly, leads her to the looking-glass where she crosses over.

Guard 1: (behind the door) It's locked. Someone's in there. Who's in there?

Guard 2: (behind the door) Who's in there?

(Alice climbs on the fireplace)

NC (vo): (feigned concern) Oh, no, the guests are trying to get in through the locked door! Hurry, Alice, before...

NC: (hesitates) ...they get in and ask what's going on! Why is this urgent?

(Going through the mirror, Alice sees a huge room and meets up with its inhabitants: Humpty-Dumpty and the chess pieces. Then, Absolem shows her another door. Alice walks out of it and falls out of the sky right into the flower bed in front of her friends)

NC (vo): Believe it or not, we actually do partake in some Wonderland-ish material: knocking over Humpty Dumpty, bickering with chess pieces doors leading to the sky... So this is what Alice in Wonderland could have be- Oh. Bullshit plothole.

Alice: What's the matter?

White Rabbit: The Hatter's the matter.

Tweedledee: But he's going darker.

Tweedledum: Denies himself laughter.

Cheshire Cat: (appears out of thin air) And no scheme of ours can raise any sort of smile.

(We see the flashback of the Mad Hatter frolicking around the Wonderland with Bayard the dog, the Dormouse and the March Hare, when suddenly, he sees a little paper hat and gets really depressed that he forgot about his family)

NC (vo): Yep. The Mad Hatter is feeling sad because he came across a blue hat that reminded him of his family, killed by the Queen of Hearts.

NC: ...Not sure why Alice was brought in to deal with this.

(Alice walks to the Hatter's house)

NC (vo): Maybe her slight sense of acting direction can set off Depp's complete lack of acting direction.

Mad Hatter: (shows a little hat to Alice, speaking with a lisp) I found this. So if this hat survived...my family must have, too.

NC (vo): Yeah, if Depp's Hatter acting in the first one was the equivalent of (The picture of Gellert Grindelwald as portrayed in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is shown) his Fantastic Beasts performance, then this one is definitely his Mordecai performance.

Mad Hatter: I never said I was sorry when I had the chance.

NC (vo): It's like if Willy Wonka was too drunk to find a job, so he became the local Ronald McDonald. He looks beyond lost.

(The Hatter's skin starts becoming more pale after Alice says it's impossible to find his family)

Mad Hatter: You are not...you.

(He angrily drives Alice out of his house)

NC (vo; as the Mad Hatter): There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and it's from this movie that's full of shit.

NC: (tiresome) So, because I know you're all invested, why don't you remind us of the plot again, Alice?

(The White Queen shows Alice her old clock through which she can enter the Grand Clock of All Time)

Alice: Find Time's castle, borrow the Chronosphere, travel back in time to Horunvendush Day, save the Hatter's family from being killed, and thereby save the Hatter.

NC: (as Alice) And then get McFly to kiss at the prom so my picture will come back.

White Queen: And if your past self sees your future self, everything would be history.

NC: (after a pause) That really doesn't sound worth the risk.

NC (vo): I mean, I like the Mad Hatter...actually, I don't even like him, but even if I did, it's not worth risking the entire frigging world! You know, 'cause it's...the entire frigging world!

Dormouse: Hatter's counting on you.

Cheshire Cat: We all are.

NC: Why?! You really are making a mountain out of one of these! (A photo of a mole digging in manure is shown)

NC (vo): He's depressed. Sucks. Grab him some Prozac, get him laid and show him some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, minus this episode. (A shot from the episode "Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse", showing Will Smith hugging Uncle Phil, is shown briefly)

NC: The end of the world does not need a factor into this!

(In the Ocean of Time, Alice finds out a palace and climbs on the moving large clock hands to get to the other side)

NC (vo): She goes to the center of time, as she is the only one who can do it because she's not from around there...

NC: Oh, those restricted rules that limit the imagination of Wonderland...I'm sorry, (finger quotes) "Underland"...

NC (vo): She also discovers that Time is a he, played by Sacha Baron Cohen.

Time: (overhears Alice) Who is there? I saw you. How did you get in? It is impossible.

NC: Really? It was...

NC (vo): ...a literal hop and a skip.

NC: I don't see where the impossible comes in.

(Various clips of Time are shown)

NC (vo): Despite not being in the books, this character does surprisingly bring a similar charming goofiness that would probably be found in them. It's actually refreshing to hear ideas and word play centered around time being explored.

Time: Everyone parts with everything eventually. (introduces his servants) These minuscule artisans are my Seconds.

Alice: Thank you for your use.

NC (vo): If Alice came across Time in the books, I feel like this is probably how it would go.

(Alice tells about her goals while Time moves the hands on the Grand Clock of All Time that is on his chest, fast-forwarding the conversation)

Alice: (speaks quickly) You see, the Jabberwocky killed his family on the Horunvendush Day...and I killed the Jabberwocky on the Frabjous Day...and I'd like your permission to borrow the Chronosphere. It is imperative that...

Time: (stops) Huh?

(A certain someone enters Time's castle through a heart-shaped entrance)

NC (vo; sighs): But again, it doesn't last long, for guess who shows up again?

NC: No, really. They want you to guess before they reveal her.

(The Seconds are shown addressing the person who has entered)

Wilkins: Shall I announce you?

Red Queen: (offscreen) Oh, no mind! I shall announce myself.

NC: (feigned amazement) Who could it be?!

NC (vo): A performer who used to be subtle, but gave it up for screaming and crazy hair- (The Mad Hatter is shown) The other one. (The Red Queen is revealed) There you go!

Red Queen: (calls out) Tick-Tock! (in another clip) I want her HEAD!

NC: Oh, my God... Can we get that fast-forward thing back from earlier? These are the parts that really need it!

(The Red Queen makes a deal with Time)

NC (vo): It looks like Time has fallen in love with the abusive Queen of Hearts, played again by Helena Bottoming-out Carter, as it looks like she still has it in her contract to have the camera two inches away from her at all times.

Red Queen: (to TIme, as her face is really close to the camera) I could get even with my sister. And we could rule the past, the present...

NC: Okay, you look like Pennywise about to French me. Please stop confusing the camera for your toothbrush!

(Alice is shown approaching the Chronosphere and taking it)

NC (vo): Alice decides to take control of the Chronosphere to go back in time to save Hatter's family, but not before battling Time's minions.

(Several of Time's giant minions chase Alice through the clock room, as Alice attempts to run through the moving clock gears. Video game music plays over this scene. Eventually, Alice gets into the Chronosphere and begins flying right towards Time and the Red Queen)

NC: (as Alice) I have to stop this from turning into a Les Mis reunion. (Images of Time, the Red Queen and the White Queen are shown, along with their actors' characters from Les Miserables) I can't hear Russell Crowe sing again!

(Alice, flying the Chronosphere, disappears. This causes Underland to start changing from day to night very quickly, which Underland's inhabitants notice)

Bayard the Hound: She must have the Chronosphere.

(The sky changes to day again)

White Queen: Our hopes flow with you.