The Joker: Practicing the Scar Story

(A text card reads: "And now, the Joker practices his infamous 'Origin Story' before starting a life of crime.")

(Doug appears, in white makeup, a wig, red scars, and a costume, voice and mannerisms akin to Heath Ledger's Joker.)

JOKER: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father was...a race car driver. And he would like to race around all day! And then one day, he came home. And I asked him to play with me, and he says, "No, I'm tired, son. I'm tired." And I said, "What, do you need a nap?" and he says, "No, I'm just tired of racing altogether." And I said to him, "How could you be tired of racing? You're a race car driver!" So my father gets in the car, turns on the ignition, RUNS OVER MY FACE AND--wait, no, that makes no sense. -My father was...a Chinese jet pilot. And my mother was...an airline stewardess! And one day, he doesn't get his packet of airline peanuts. Oh, he doesn't like that. So he gets out his in-flight magazine, gives her the biggest PAPER CUT YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE--wait, no, that doesn't work. -My sister used to...make fun of me. So, I RAN OVER HER FACE WITH A RACE CAR--wait--no! God, I gotta get off that! -My cousin...was addicted to Twinkies. And every day, he would just force them down my throat! So one day he takes a Twinkie, holds it up to my little mouth, and says, "Let's put some delicious cream filling on that face!"—-That doesn’t seem very threatening… -My…kitten…has a urinary tract infection. And she goes wee-wee all over the place! So I grabbed her by her little paws, held a knife up to her mouth, and said…"Bad kitty! Bad!" And then she scratched me! (scoffs) Annoying! So I RAN HER OVER WITH A RACE CAR and-aw, that almost worked. Why did I watch Dukes of Hazzard today? -My father's…sister's…husband's…uncle's…nephew's…chiropractor—Vanessa—had a dog. The dog was…an alcoholic. So one day the dog comes from work, holds a knife up to my face, and says—what the hell am I talking about? -My father…was Rick James. That's right—I'm half-black. I cover it up with the white makeup because I have identity issues. Just like Michael Jackson! You know what? My father was Michael Jackson! I am his chimp, Bubbles. -My father was…(exasperated, and quickly) a Peruvian llama slayer. -A male stripper. -A manager at a Taco Bell. -Miss America. -No, no—Miss Universe! Yeah, that's good! -And her had a knife…a banana. -A gun. -Five guns! -A nuclear warhead! -Syphilis. -A race car—no! -A race car…with syphilis. -And he takes the knife to…my goldfish… -My toaster. -My Chia Pet! -My high school sweetheart, Jamie! Which—that's—a girl's name in this case. I mean, I don't—I just don't swing that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that! -And he laughs…cries… -Eats pork! -Hoots like a monkey! -Does that thing where you're can't really tell if they're smiling or frowning, the…(demonstrates)…you know, that. -Sings the entire soundtrack of High School Musical. Just the first one, though! He-he didn't see the other two. He just had a feeling they would lack a certain…je ne sais qoui about them. …And he tells her that! -He holds it up to her and says…"Whatcha talkin' about, Willis?" -"Bang, zoom, to the moon!" -"Lucy, I'm ho-oomme!" -"Snap, Crackle, Pop—RICE KRISPIES!" -"I love the Power Glove…it's so bad!" -"I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it—" Oh, God. - ARGH! (exhausted) My father was Hitler. -My uncle was a woman. -My father…was my mother. - OOH! I got these by falling on a rake! -I failed out of sword-swallowing school. -This is what happens when you eat too many Altoids at once! -I fell into a vat of chemicals, and I just came out this way! Nah, nobody would buy that… -My dentist…was a duck. What does that even mean? -You wanna know how I got these scars? I'll tell you! …In song! (The Joker plays a single out-of-tune guitar chord while singing) -Never open a bag of chips/With a chainsaw… -(The Joker's theme, "Why So Serious?" begins to slip its way into the background and builds higher and higher as the Joker climaxes.) -My father was…a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. Oh, he doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her—laughing while he does it—turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife—"Why so serious?!?" Sticks the blade in my mouth—"Let's put a smile on that face!" And… -(Music abruptly stops) -No, that'll never work. You know what? I'll just say I'm an asshole. (The Joker holds up a pencil.) -Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do with this?