Diatron-5 (with Spoony!)

(After the opening for Anime Abandon, we cut to Spoony running for his life up to his room and dialing 911 on his phone)

Spoony: Yeah 911? You gotta send help! There's a fucking maniac outside my room! He's gonna make me review a knock-off shitty anime! (silence on his end) Stop laughing!

(A knock on the door, making Spoony's mouth open in horror as Bennet the Sage calls out)

Sage: (singsong) Spooonnyyy!

(Spoony runs up against the door, holding onto it with his back, then cut to a shot of Sage with a devilish grin on his face)

Spoony: Fuck you, you creepy sonovabitch! You're not making me watch another Korean chop job!

Sage: Spoony, you can't keep me out forever.

Spoony: Well the fuck I can! You can just rot out for all I--

Sage: (sounding much closer) Spoony! (Spoony looks and sees Sage is in the room) Another winter has come, Spoony. (he holds out his hand to him) It is...inevitable.

(The camera moves in close on Spoony as he cowers in the corner)

Spoony: No! No! No, no! Nooooo!

(the next shot is of Spoony crying into his hands while Sage pats him on the back)

Sage: So, Diatron-5.

(Clips of Space Thunder Kids is shown)

Sage (vo): Some of you may remember mine and Spoony's video some years back talking about Space Thunder Kids.

(A procession of tanks is shown for 25 seconds)

Sage (vo): Rest assured, it was a complete turd pile. But in covering the video, I feel that maybe we may have misreperesented what Space Thunder Kids is.

Spoony (vo): In the vaguest description possible, Space Thunder Kids is the result of producer Jospeh Lye recutting existing Korean knock-off cartoons into one unruly mess of a movie. This sort of explains why characters shift appearance on a whim and why plot lines were introduced, only to be swiftly abandoned.

Sage: There was no way Space Thunder Kids was going to be anything other than a complete mess. So, considering that, it doesn't seem so...horrendous.

Spoony: (groaning) Barely.

Spoony (vo): Now, Diatron-5, on the other hand, doesn't have that excuse. It's presented entirely as it was intended, skull-fucking incompetence and all. It's damn near pitiful how everything about this movie is so awful, you'd think even the most hapless idiot would get at least something right, even by sheer accident.

Spoony: Where do you keep finding this garbage?

Sage: Spoony, that's not the question you should be asking. No, what you should be asking is, "haven't I seen this before?"

(A shot of the Earth Fleet ship)

Spoony: (with dawning horror) No! It's not! (shots of the ship's crew are shown, everyone completely still. Spoony is now double facepalming) It is! It's the same goddamn beginning as Space Thunder Kids! (Sage pats his back)

Sage (vo): Actually, it's not quite the same. While Space Thunder Kids' beginning was filled with dead air, Diatron-5 is filled with a loud, grinding score. Thankfully, they managed to tone it down so we can hear this "brilliant" dub.

Computer: Haley's Comet will pass here in ten seconds with hundreds of meteorites

Tech (if anyone knows some of these names, fill them in if you can): Ten seconds? Does that mean we can avoid the collision with the earth?

Computer: You may feel at ease.

Sage: Say Spoony, between Diatron-5 and Space Thunder Kids, which has the worst opening?

Spoony: (morose) They're both...just...awful.

Sage: Oh, come on, what kind of answer is that? Alright, like, um, a gun pointed to your head and you had to choose between the two, what would you choose?

Spoony: Death sounds wonderful right about now.

Sage: Fine, if you're gonna be like that, maybe next time I won't force you to watch another Korean knock-off show, then what'll you do?

Spoony: Be happy?

Spoony (vo): It's actually kind of funny to see this scene in it's original context, complete with redundant shots of that same crew member falling ass over head backwards. Though one does wonder why the Captain sounds like he's talking through a bullhorn.

Captain: Maintain the stability of the fleet. Pay attention to your own security.

Sage (vo): Apparently, this space force is dependent upon a so-called "girl genius" to maintain the planet's defenses. How, exactly, is never explained, but given the people that are at the control boards, I think I can understand why they outsource the help.

Radar tech: (sounding like Gomer Pyle) Huh? Well that's a strange looking bleep. Wonder what that is? Uh, Commander, there's a strange looking object on the radar.

Captain: Strange object?

Radar tech: Yeah, it looks like a spaceship or something.

Sage: (acting like the guy) Well gee golly gosh, Commander, looks like we're in for an intergalactic hootenanny!

Spoony (vo): The ship that Cpl Gomer Pyle saw on the radar manages to evade their sensors by, laughably, hiding behind some asteroids. I'm not even gonna ask how it's possible that ship is moving like that, because I'm more interested in how they managed to sneak one of their agents into a meteorite that crashes down on the nearby planet, so he can incapacitate the girl genius, who's somehow responsible for the planet's space defense force. You heard what I said.

Spoony: And if you somehow forget the girl genius is in this movie, oh, don't you worry because this film will leave you plenty of reminders.

(clips of people talking about the girl genius are shown)

Captain: The threat of attack from outside forces is automatically percepted by the sensory powers of the girl genius.

Professor Lukotang: It's all due to the girl genius, you know. She has the highest IQ on the earth. More than capable of dominating the automatic defenses.

Joel: Where is that location?

Bunny: Let's see, um, that's right about where that girl genius lives.

Joel: Girl genius?

Sage: Hey buddy, don't act so surprised. I mean, it's possible there's a girl genius. Just like I'm sure that somewhere out there in the universe, lead spontaneously transforms into gold.

Sage (vo): Well, the agent manages to slip through the "impenetrable defenses" of the girl genius's mansion, and bulldozes his way into her room where he shoots her, prompting his General to contact the planet and laughably demand surrender in tribute.

Enemy General: Your girl genius has been shot by our agent. From now on, I shall be your leader! I shall personally take command of your star defense fleet. Prepare to welcome me. Maybe then you can keep your lives.

Captain: Ha! Not without the approval of the Space Immigration Office.

General: Is that so?

Sage: Yeah, that's so! We have a system here in place, buddy. If you wanna take over our planet and oppose military rule, you have to run it through our immigration office. (realizes how stupid that sounds) What?

Spoony (vo): And the Space Thunder Kids flashbacks continue as we launch into a poorly animated and choppy space battle. Highlights include a robot crab that pinches cannons shut, loud soaring ships despite being in a vacuum, and a robot that hurls unprotected crew members into space to die screaming, horrible deaths.

Spoony: I can relate.

Sage: Come on, you're just being maudlin. For the past three years, I have shown you the worst titles I know of, and leave you a pitiful shell of the man you once were. One would think you'd be used to it by now.

Spoony (vo): It seems like the bug robot has the entire starfleet on the verge of defeat, and with the girl genius's life hanging by a thread, Professor What's-his-face and the two assistants decide to take matters into their own hands.

(The Professor and the assistants are riding in a rather unique car)

Professor: Ha ha ha, what do you think of my automobile, huh?

Bunny: It's not an automobile, but an armored tank, professor!

Professor: Ha ha ha, it does come in handy!

Joel: Are you gonna fight the enemy with this tank, Professor Lukotang? (I may be wrong on the name)

Lukotang: Certainly not! This is my private automobile!

Sage: Then why the fuck are you riding in it, numbnuts!?

(Dr. Insano steps in)

Insano: Hey, the man built himself a tank, let him enjoy it! I know I enjoy cruising the streets in my own personal jet-powered segway! Hehehehehe! Bitches be flocking like pigeons on spilled popcorn.

Spoony: They flock to you...on a segway?

Insano: A-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, a jet-powered segway, thank you very much! Oh, normally I wouldn't be caught dead on one of those, but, the man at the dealer wasn't giving me many options, and I will be goddamned before I'm seen trying to cruise for betties in a fucking zapcar!

Sage: Isn't there, like, something you should be working on right now?

Inano: Ah yes, indeed. Those nanobots aren't gonna build themselves. Ooh, that's an idea. (trailing off as he gets further away) Now how to reduce the memory to input such a code as to bridge the midichlorian gap and to...

Sage: How the fuck do you live with that guy? (Spoony just shakes his head)

Spoony (vo): The three make their way to some giant robot named Diatron-3, that maybe the professor built? The pilot is yet another robot who has the voice of Tristan from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, and he blasts off to fight the insect bot to the tune of what sounds like an ice cream truck jingle.

Spoony: Oh yes, I mean every word I said.

Lukotang: Is everything ready, Bifon?

Bifon: Everything is ready, sir.

Lukotang: This is an urgent mission. Win this one!

(The two shake hands)

Bifon: Aye-aye, professor!

(The ice cream truck jingle is heard as Diatron-3 blasts off into space)

Spoony: (rubbing his temples) I hate you so fucking much!

Sage (vo): While the robot does battle with the robot in the robot, the rest of of the three are still stumped as to how they can cure the girl genius. Apparently the bullet that was fired into her was coated with a deadly bacteria. Why the fuck it needed to be coated with bacteria when a bullet to the head can kill most anybody, I don't know. However, the head doctor has a means of fighting the infection: by pulling a Fantastic Voyage and sending a team of shrunk down people to fight the infection. Unfortunately, this plan is overheard by some shifty eyed doctor who tries to make a break for it. Luckily he's stopped cold...from doing god knows what.

Joel: Now let's see who you really are. (he takes off the doctor's mask and cap to reveal the assassin that shot the girl genius. Spoony and Sage mock recoil)

Sage: It's...some guy we've never seen before.

Spoony (vo): Professor What's-his-face calls for the retreat of Diatron-3 and the robot pilot, uh...Bifon?

Lukotang: Bifon, there's been a change of plans. Withdraw immediately.

Bifon: Withdraw? But why?

Spoony (vo): They retreat back to the planet and are prepared to be shrunk down to fight the infection in the girl genius. And for some reason, this scene is backed with what sounds like two people playing ping pong in an echo chamber.

(The aforementioned sound is heard as Diatron-3 shrunk down)

Sage (vo): Bifon...? Is injected with Diatron-3 into the girl genius. And for some reason, the body of the girl genius is actually another world entirely. Complete with caves, a starry night sky, and impish looking creatures. Are these supposed to be the infection? How are these sentient? And how did they come across the materials to make spears in a fucking human body?

Sage: (holding out one hand) I mean there's stretching a metaphor, (then the other) and then there's being amazingly supid.

Spoony: And it doesn't end there, folks. It...never ends.

Spoony (vo): Apparently an "evil empire," dubbed the Red Empire, has taken over the girl geinus's...body, or this world, or whatever the fuck this place is supposed to be? I cannot believe this was intended for any viewing audience outside of a P.O.W. camp. The Red Empire's forces are led by...ugh, Combat Commander Marie, who launches an attack on Diatron-3, and promptly destroys it.

Lukotang: Ooohh, that robot doesn't have any brains! How can he lose with superior weaponry?

Doctor: How can that robot crumble so easily like cookies?

Lukotang: Watch your mouth, Dr. Bearrrrrr!

Spoony: (confused) ...Come again? (the line repeats, making Spoony mad) Okay, I've resigned to the fact the voice acting in this movie is beyond incompetent, but I refuse to accept the fact that this was an acceptable line by anyone's standards!

Sage: Spoony, you don't understand.

Spoony: What is there to understand? This is beyond incompetent! This is beyond all rational thinking and logic!

Sage: No, seriously, you don't understand! Dr. Bearrrrrr is the character's name, see?

(The ID badge is zoomed in to show Dr. Bearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Spoony: Oh. Carry on, then.

Sage (vo): With the robots destroyed or captured, the professor sends Bunny and Joel off into the girl genius to save the day. By the by, I think the guy's name is Joel. But everytime it's uttered, it sounds like Choal.

(Bunny and Joel are flying through...space?)

Bunny: Ah, it's more beautiful than I imagined!

Joel: Wake up, Bunny. We're not here for sightseeing, you know?

Bunny: Oh, Joel. I just wanna enjoy the scenery. You're too fussy!

Sage (vo): It seems that one of the main components of the robot they're piloting, Diatron-5, has veered off course, and Bunny and Joel are left to try and find it. Without this crucial component, they are unable to transform into Diatron-5's robot form and be left...(we cut to a waterfall) What!? There are waterfalls inside the girl's body? (trees and flowers are shown) And look, there are trees and plants, and...(a group of hunters appears over a cliff) who the fuck are they!?

Samba: You're surrounded. Throw down your weapons and surrender! And maybe we'll let you live!

Bunny: Joel, that's the White Soldiers. They're on our side.

Sage: One, why the fuck does Bunny know who they are, and not Joel? Two, do you mean to tell me that those are supposed to be white blood cells? Three, how the fuck did you manage to make even less sense than Space Thunder Kids!?

Spoony (vo): Realizing that they're all on the same side, Bunny and Joel are led to the...king? Of the girl genius's body? And, there's like, I don't know. There's noodles growing on trees, and bread? When did this turn into a fucking Care Bears knockoff?

(Children are scooping up ice cream out of an ice cream river. You read that right.)

Child 1: It's strawberry ice cream!

(Spoony and Sage are quite disgusted)

Child 2: I'm gonna get a bucketful and take it home!

(One of the kids falls into the ice cream river)

Child 3: Look at him, he's all covered with ice cream!

(Spoony and Sage are still quite disgusted at the scene, Spoony on the verge of throwing up)

Child 4: Get out of there! You're going to get the ice cream dirty!

(Spoony's brought back to tears again, Sage's hand on his back)

Sage: (regretting it) I am...I am so sorry.

Sage (vo): Why is there a fucking Candy Land inside a girl's body? Why is there fucking river made of ice cream? And why does the king of this...land sound like a drunk Mexican laborer going through puberty?

King: It used to be a very peaceful place before the Red Soldiers started receiving heavy artillery support from the outside. Now we're like a moth in a flame.

Spoony (vo): The king sends his best warrior, Samba, along with ten other men to help Bunny and Joel destroy the Red Empire. As they split off to attack, Joel and Bunny come across Bifon, who has since been reappropriated into a service bot for Combat Commander Marie, and I can't believe I just said that sentence. Back with Bunny and Joel, Bifon swears revenge and man, does he ever get it.

Bifon: You horrible villain!

Marie: What!?

Bifon: Ha! (he shoots at Marie, then drop kicks her instead)

Marie: I'm gonna get you--(drop kicked) Aaah! (Spoony and Sage just watch) Ouch! Oh, I'm gonna get you! (Bifon trips her by running into her legs. Bifon begins literally kicking her ass and laughing with perverted glee, Spoony and Sage still dumbstruck) Guards, come quick! Guards! Guards, come take this thing away! (before the guards get there, Joel and Bunny knock them out. Bifon's still giving her that asskicking) Ouch! Forgive me, forgive me! I was wrong! Stop it! Ow!

Spoony: I...I don't even know what to say. What the fuck did we just watch?

Sage: I don't think...I've been rendered speechless so many times by just watching something. There's something...something has to be at work here, alright. There's no way this was just lost in translation. This has to be intentional. Let's just...move on.

Sage (vo): Bunny and Joel force Marie to get them an audience with the Red Empire's leader, who turns out to be Mr. Spock. However it seems that Emperor Spock has captured Samba and the rest of the White Soldiers, and tricks Joel into falling into a pit with Great Cthulhu at the bottom.

Marie: Stand back! I'll give you one more chance! Are you gonna be eaten by the virus, or are you gonna be my loyal servant, hmm?

Sage: Waitaminute. If that's the virus, then who the fuck are you guys!?

Spoony: I mean, were they always there? Were there always little people inside her body with, like, ice cream springs and castles?

Sage: And kings that sound like Mexican laborers?

Spoony (vo): Emperor Spock just says "fuck it" and forces Joel into the Cthulhu pit. Luckily Joel finds a convenient tunnel and escapes into an underground stream. He's washed ashore in...the Neutral Zone? And he's found by these two, whose existance is never really explain. Though they typically don't like outsiders in their land, they decide to make an exception and help Joel out.

Sherry: All the useless things in this universe are piled up here. There's nothing, nothing really that's of any use. It's all been thrown away as waste, you see?

Spoony: So, if this place is where all the waste goes, does this mean that Joel just washed up in the girl genius's ass? (the two of them shudder when they think about it)

Sage (vo): In the mother of all conveniences, Joel finds the main controller to Diatron-5, and is now able to transform into the title of the movie. Meanwhile, though, it seems that the Red Empire has found where Joel had run off to, and kills the woman Sherry, leaving her man, Crackle...no, really, his name is Crackle, to grieve. What could be an emotional scene is rendered completely silly because the soundtrack sounds like an autotuned fly got into Vangelus's recording studio.

(The synthesized music in question plays as Joel and Crackle mourn Sherry)

Spoony (vo): Wanting to take revenge, Crackle joins Joel in his assault on the Empire. The assault looks completely one-sided as Joel pilots the transformed Diatron-5 through every defense thrown his way. Realizing he's lost the day, Emperor Spock decides to initiate the fortress's self destruct sequence, but Crackle won't let the Emperor retreat to safety that easily.

Crackle: Ha ha ha, I'm gonna stay here and watch you die!

Emperor: What?

Crackle: I know that's what Sherry would want me to do.

Spoony: Oh yes, killing yourself in a petty fashion is exactly what your girlfriend would want you to do...if your girlfriend was Bella Swan.

Sage (vo): While the Emperor manages to gain the upper hand by nearly tripping Crackle into the Cthulhu pit, he only ends up winding a snack for the Thing That Should Not Be. With the fortress crumbling around them, Joel insists that Crackle come with him and escape. But Crackle declines and instead shoots something that makes the fortress explode. With Bifon the robot and Bunny still trapped inside somewhere. Wow. What a douche.

Spoony (vo): However, the day is still not yet won as there's still the invading force from earlier to deal with. Yeah, I completely forgot about them, too. With the girl genius cured, I think, Diatron-5 is excreted out of her body through a tear, and regains it's original size before blasting off into space to fight the invaders. All to the warbling tune of some garage band that are making up the lyrics on the spot.

(The "theme song" of this movie plays as Diatron-5 goes to fight the alien invaders, flies around the earth, and then freeze frames in a pose as THE END comes on)

Spoony: Yep. That is literally how it ends. No denouement. Just, The End.

Sage: Alright. I'll admit. That one was...particularly bad, and I apologize for it. But wasn't it fun to rip it a new one? (Spoony gives him quite the mean look) Tell you what, next time, I'll pick one that's less--

(Spoony's had enough and reaches out to strangle Sage)

Sage: (strangled, subtitled) Next time, if I survive this, will be on Kite. 'Til next time.

(and we come to the credits at last)