Tonight...

(Todd plays "Tonight..." on his keyboard. Text appears reading: "ENRIQUE IGLESIAS ft. LUDACRIS - "TONIGHT..." A pop song review)

Todd: We got a bad one tonight, folks.

Video for "Tonight..."

Todd (VO): Oh, boy, do we ever. I know bad songs are what I do, but...something like this only comes along once every couple years. And I know, all I do is bash bad music, but...

Todd: ...I don't even know if I can properly rage at this one, 'cause...at some point, you just run out of hatred 'cause...when it gets this bad, there's just no point anymore. I mean, I wasn't even angry the first time I heard this song; I just laughed.

Todd (VO): You know, I don't want to make it sound like, "it's so bad, it's good," or, "it's a guilty pleasure," or anything, 'cause...

Todd: ...I certainly don't get any pleasure out of this. It's just, when I laughed, it was like the bitter "I give up" kind of laughter, 'cause...this shit just keeps getting worse and worse. And...I didn't expect to change anything, you know, but...this song really struck me in the face with the fact that nothing I say matters and no one is listening to me, 'cause...you know, if they were, for one thing, we would've gotten rid of Enrique Iglesias a long time ago.

Video for "Bailamos"

Todd (VO): For me, Enrique is the definition of a singer who adds absolutely nothing to a song. The reason he's the only one who survived the end of the late 90s Latin craze is because he had the least personality, so he had an easier time adapting to new trends. The only interesting thing about the guy was the mole, and he doesn't even have that anymore, so I don't know why we need him around.

Todd: I thought we actually had gotten rid of him for a while, but...

Video for "I Like It"

Todd (VO): ...last year he was bigger than ever once he got on the T-Pain-style club anthem bandwagon. No more of the quivering, sensitive, romance-novel-type lover shtick. Now he's a guy who can collaborate with the idiotic likes of Pitbull.

Todd: Matter of fact, I think the new song was inspired by Pitbull.

''Intercut clips of "Tonight..." and Pitbull - "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"'' Enrique: I know you want me Pitbull: I know you want me

Todd: Huh. Maybe there was some kind of brain-switching accident or something. It would explain how Enrique wound up performing such a pinnacle of witlessness as this. You know, I forget sometimes that a lot of you don't listen to pop music, you don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I should get to the point.

Enrique: I know you want me I made it obvious that I want you too So put it on me

Todd: "Put it on me." No, it gets better.

Enrique: You know my motivation Given my reputation Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude But tonight I’m loving you Oh you know That tonight I’m loving you

Todd: Would you like to hear the uncensored version?

Enrique: But tonight I’m fucking you Oh you know That tonight I’m fucking you Oh you know That tonight I’m fucking you

Todd: This is not a song. This is an ad for Mace.

Enrique: Damn I like the way that you move

Todd (VO): Ladies, they're out there, and throwing your drink in their face is just a waste of alcohol. Say it right with Mace. (Check out our new SuperSoaker model!)

Todd: You know, as a comedy reviewer, this is where I'm supposed to put in a funny analogy, you know.

Enrique: But tonight I’m fucking you

Todd (VO): "Oh, my God, I can't believe he said that. He's so bad, that's like if he..."

Todd: If he what? If he what? I...I can't come up with anything worse. That is the bottom of the barrel until we come up with a song that actively exits your speakers and humps your leg.

Todd (VO): I don't know how I, a guy with absolutely no game whatsoever, got into the business of criticizing the pickup lines of men who are far more successful with women than I am, but... You know, this is not even a pickup line, really.

Todd: I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to offer something to a girl when you come onto her? Like, I'm not a fan of [clips of...] the Ying Yang Twins' "The Whisper Song", and I'm not a fan of John Mayer's "Your Body Is a Wonderland".

John Mayer: Your body is a wonderland

Todd (VO): But I understand that they are offering you mind-meltingly good sex and a certain level of emotional intimacy, respectively.

Todd: Enrique isn't offering you shit! Absolutely nothing.

Todd (VO): And it's not just those two songs either. Even the most abysmally worthless songs I've ever heard in this genre sound better now.

Video for David Guetta ft. Akon - "Sexy Bitch" Akon: Damn, yous a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch.

Todd (VO): Say what you want about that—at least it's a compliment!

Video for Akon - "I Wanna Fuck You" Akon: You already know I wanna fuck you.

Todd (VO): You know what? Say what you want about that song, too. At least it's a request!

Video for Young Money - "BedRock" Lloyd: Call me Mr. Flintstone I can make your bed rock

Todd (VO): Oh, my God, "BedRock" is like a Shakespearean love sonnet in comparison.

Todd: Yeah, I mean, Enrique does try to compliment the girl a little...in the dumbest way possible.

Enrique: You're so damn pretty...If I had a type, then baby it would be you.

Todd: Or, in other words, "you're not my type."

Enrique: I know you're ready...If I never lied, the baby you'd be the truth.

Todd: What?

Enrique: If I never lied, the baby you'd be the truth.

Todd (VO): Is that some kind of zen thing?

Todd: The fuck did that mean? There is no way I should have trouble comprehending the lyrics of a song entitled "Tonight (I'm Fucking You)"!

Enrique: Here’s the situation Been to every nation

Todd (VO): Okay, yeah, yeah. I know there are guys out there who are so manly and charismatic,...

Todd: ...that they can just tell their newest conquest that sex is gonna happen and it happens. I feel confident in saying that person is not Enrique.

Video for "Hero" Enrique: Would you cry if you saw me crying

Todd (VO): Yeah, I'm not saying Enrique is an unattractive guy. I'm sure even without the fame and money, he could plow his way through more women than I've ever met in my entire life, but... [Back to "Tonight..."] this, this is just not who Enrique is. [Clip from "Sexy Bitch"] I mean, when Akon does this, it's awful. Painfully awful, but you can't really get mad at him, 'cause he's Akon, that's what he does, but not Enrique.

Todd: Enrique's always been, you know, the smooth Latin lover kind of guy. You know, like, [imitating Enrique] "I must teach you ze ways of, how you say, ze romance." You know, [picture of couple doing tango] this, not [picture of naked Quagmire] this! You know, I think I lost the ability to believe he could pull this off when the song opened with Enrique's willowy falsetto cooing delicately like the lonesome whip-poor-will through the open countryside.

Enrique: Yoooooooooooooooooooooou

Todd: Yes, sir, when Enrique starts yodeling through his nose, the panties drop.

Footage of Julio Iglesias

Todd (VO): I mean, his daddy Julio knew how it worked. You never saw him doing anything like this.

Julio: To all the girls I've [bleep] before

Todd: I mean, come to think of it, maybe it's kind of a good thing that Enrique is such a wimpy, unthreatening kind of guy, 'cause this song is kind of, um...how do I want to put this...rapey?

Enrique: But tonight I’m fucking you

Clip from Aqua Teen Hunger Force  Hand Banana: Tonight...you.

Todd: It's...it's a little rapey. I mean, something like this could easily be taken as a threat. Like, a legitimate felony-level threat. And ladies, if you ever get to meet Enrique Iglesias, I'm sure he's charming, go talk to him, but...just keep your hand over your drink...and keep a friend close by, is all I'm saying.

Shot of MTV News page about the debut of "Tonight..."

Todd (VO): Let's see what Enrique himself says to justify this. "It's probably what a lot of guys and girls think about at times, but they don't have the guts to say."

Todd: Enrique, there's a reason I don't say, "tonight, I'm fucking you," to every girl I like, and it's not 'cause I don't have the guts. Seriously, were you raised in the wild? Society does have rules, you know. [Picture of toilet] This is a toilet, Enrique; we do our business in here. [Picture of woman] This is a woman; shake her hand, say "hi", don't fling your shit at her.

Enrique: But tonight I’m fucking you

Todd (VO): Oh, nice video, by the way. If you wanted to make a sex tape, Enrique, just leak one out, all right?

Todd: And yeah, Ludacris does a guest verse. Look, I love Ludacris, I'll listen to Ludacris in anything, I can't hate on him. But, seriously, he's on, like, every song. If you record a song in your basement and put it on your MySpace page, it'll have Ludacris on there somehow by the time it uploads.

Video of Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris - "Baby"

Todd (VO): He was on a Justin Bieber song. Why? What does he have to do with Justin Bieber? Nothing, he was just on it because he's on anything.

Todd: I mean, my keyboard comes with a Ludacris setting on it.

He adjusts the setting and pushes a key

Ludacris: Move...move...move, bitch

Todd: As far as this particular verse goes, it's not that it's bad. It's certainly the best part of the song, but it sounds like Snoop Dogg's verse on "California Gurls"—he can make anything sound good, but he was obviously not trying.

Ludacris: Tonight I’m gonna do Everything that I want with you

Todd: Again, a little rapey.

Ludacris: You got that body that make me wanna get on the floor Just to see you dance And I love the way you shake that ass Turn around and let me see them pants

Todd: Those are some well-fitting pants. I love the way those look, you have to tell me where you got them.

Ludacris: Turn around and let me see them pants

Todd: Luda, you know you can see pants from any angle, right?

Ludacris: Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude

Todd: But where's my paycheck? [Ka-ching, image of money being exchanged] Thank you, thank you, have fun with your song, Taio Cruz or whoever's song I'm on today.

Enrique: But tonight I’m fucking you

Todd: And tonight, he's...you know, I just don't think it's appropriate for a pop song to have the f-bomb right in the chorus.

''Video for Cee-Lo Green - "Fuck You!" Cee-Lo: Fuck you

Todd (VO): Okay, besides that. Hey, wait a minute. [Clip from Glee] Cee-Lo has to rely on Glee to claw and fight his way to the Top 10, [back to "Tonight..."] and this pile of turds gets in there, no problem?! God, this world.

Todd: You know, it'd be one thing if Enrique was trying to be clever or funny like Cee-Lo, but...it's not even that. It'd be better if he was trying to be cheaply provocative. But...it's not shocking, it's just depressing. It's a sad commentary that this song, despite being one of the worst I've ever heard, is only somewhat stupider than most of the songs I cover. Tonight he's fucking you, and on behalf of pop music listeners everywhere, after this I think I agree that we're all pretty much fucked. Thanks for that, Enrique.

Enrique: Yeah, tonight I’m fucking you

Ludacris: Could you change the station please?

Closing tag song: Enrique Iglesias - "Escape"

''THE END "Tonight..." is owned by Universal Music This video is owned by me''