Richie Rich

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (A current image of Macaulay Culkin is shown briefly) Oh, Macaulay, why do you keep popping up here?

(More images of Macaulay Culkin plus movie posters for “Getting Even with Dad,” “The Pagemaster” and “The Good Son” are shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): I’m sure you’re a nice guy. Hell, you were probably a nice kid. But MAN, did you pick some dumb, dumb, DUMB movies!

NC: And we’re here to look at another stinker with “Richie Rich.”

(The title screen for the movie “Richie Rich” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): Culkin seemed like the perfect kid at the time to show us a subject matter I’m sure would’ve gone over really well today: How the one percent live. Brought to you by the ingenious visionary director of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” “Richie Rich” brings to the big screen a story nobody demanded to see from an actor clearly going through puberty based on a comic strip that younger kids have never heard of. With those credentials, how could you not green-light this?

NC: Well, time is money, so let’s start spending. This is “Richie Rich.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So back in the ‘90s when we still had an economy, a young boy is born to a millionaire named Richard Rich. The boy’s name? Richie Rich. You know, you ever wonder if either the father or son would have a different life if their parents named them Poor E. Broke? (Accompanying text for the name appears on-screen)

Chester A. Bum: (audio clip with his image at the bottom right of the screen) Hey, that’s my legally born name!

NC (voiceover): We see them go through the typical rich kid jokes, like playing catch while doing business meetings, genetically altering a dog’s body to have money signs on it—creepy—, even building a giant mountain portrait of themselves. (sarcastically) Oh, people of today’s current financial status would just love this film! (normal) But his (Richie) life isn’t all just fun and games; there’s also the importance of keeping up the illusion that his life is not all fun and games, like having him do a ribbon cutting at a tool factory. Fitting, as many would consider this character to be a united tool. (There is a screenshot of the side of a pickup truck labeled “United Tool”)

Richie: (addresses the crowd) On behalf of my dad, thanks for the wrenches. I know my dad loves socket wrenches, I know I love socket wrenches. And if my mom knew what a socket wrench was, I’m sure she’d love it, too.

(The crowd laughs at the subtlety of Richie’s statement)

NC (voiceover): So as you may have noticed by this point in his life, Culkin is sounding less like the kid from “Home Alone” and more like the sped-up audio of Sylvester Stallone.

Richie: (addresses the crowd) I’d like to stay, but I gotta go do my homework. It’s been real.

NC: (as Rocky Balboa from “Rocky,” sounding a bit higher pitched to mock Richie’s voice) Yo, Adrian, come on, let’s go ice-skatin’!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): He also has a loyal butler named Cadbury, and no, he doesn’t talk like this. (A brief sound clip of a clucking chicken is dubbed over Cadbury when he speaks) But he does manage to keep a close eye on little Richie.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie sees some kids playing nearby and starts to walk on over to them, but he is stopped by a bodyguard named Ferguson)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ferguson: (to Richie) This area is not secure, sir.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: Don’t touch him!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ferguson: It’s my job to protect him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: Very well, Mr. Ferguson. But grab him like that again, and YOU will need protection.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (speaks as a foppish British person while showing off a bicep) We British are known for our strength and athletic abilities.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Richie Rich waving to the crowd before he takes off in a helicopter)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Diane Pazinski: Poor kid.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dave Walter: Poor kid? What are you talking about? He’s the richest kid in the world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Diana Pazinski: You don’t have children, do you, Dave?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as (Dave) My wife can’t conceive. Thanks for that salt in the wound.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(As the helicopter takes off, Richie looks down in a bit of sadness at the children playing a ball game below)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Narrator: It was then that Richie realized there was something missing in his life. Something simple. Something money could not buy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip from “Citizen Kane” is overlaid over the footage briefly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Charles Foster Kane (from “Citizen Kane”): (whispers) Rosebud.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): The movie will get to that stuff later, but for now, his dad is back from a business trip, only to find that he has to leave again.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: (to Richard Rich, Sr. while putting a phone on hold) Excuse me, sir. It’s a telephone call. The President.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: What country?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: This one, sir.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: (to himself) Oh, God. Probably needs another loan.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (scoffs) Yeah, that joke doesn’t date this movie at all—! (He rethinks to himself) Actually, it kind of makes it timeless.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But don’t worry. We have that guy who is supposed to be huge from “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” but then messed up by choosing movies like…well, “Richie Rich.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Professor Keenbean (Michael McShane) shows off a latest invention of his to Richie in a laboratory, which is a sticky black tar)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: Ten times sticker…(He knocks on an anvil that is sticking to the tar on a wall)…than the strongest adhesive known to man. I call it “Cementia”!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): His job is to sort of be the Q of the movie, making all sorts of gadgets and weapons that (sarcastically chuckles) I’m sure will not make an appearance in the film’s climax.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A tiny robotic honeybee is let loose so that Keenbean can demonstrate it with a controller)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: A honeybee working overtime couldn’t pollinate like this baby. Behold RoboBee.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Yes, you never know when the world might need a RoboBee in their lives. The possibilities are just so limiting! Actually, doesn’t that sort of look like the bee from “Simon Sez”? (A clip of the robotic bee in “Simon Sez” is shown) In fact, don’t the inventors of those things look suspiciously similar, too? (Footage comparison between Professor Keenbean and the monk Micro from “Simon Sez” is shown briefly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (comes to a realization) My God. Could it be there’s some sort of conspiring connection between “Simon Sez” and “Richie Rich”? (Camera close-up on his face before a dramatic music sting is cued up, and then the camera pulls back to normal before he dismisses on the idea) Aw, who gives a shit?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): We then meet the villain of our movie. How do we know he’s our villain? Because he’s played by John Larroquette. And let’s face it; if John Larroquette ever played the good guy in something, your movie would just die faster.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Lawrence Van Dough (Larroquette) is having dinner with the Rich family)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Lawrence Van Dough: (to Richard Rich, Sr.) Your donations are costing the corporation over a billion dollars a year, and I think it’s just time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): He’s their advisor and doesn’t like how charitable their donations are and how wasteful their inventions may seem.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Professor Keenbean has run in to show Richard Rich, Sr. an invention (the Smellmaster 9000, to be specific), and Richard stands up to demonstrate it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: We have glass to help us see better and hearing aids to help us hear better. Why shouldn’t we have something to help us smell better?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie stands up and goes over to tell his father)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: This thing’s way out of whack. Can I be excused? Thank you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (mock’s Richie’s voice) Hey, yo! I’m like a mini Tony Danza here!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Van Dough and Richie’s parents walking together inside the home)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: If I may, might I suggest that you consider beefing up your security system?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: Oh, I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Lawrence. I mean, after all, all of our real valuables are locked in the Rich family vault.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: Vault?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): So he makes the incredible discovery that the Rich family…is rich! And that taking control of their vault might make him even richer. Though to be fair, it looks like he’s pretty rich already. He just fired a limo driver for parking too close to a puddle of water. How much more money do you need??

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Van Dough) Oh, I just want enough to buy a…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Quick clips from the climax of “2001: A Space Odyssey” are shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Van Dough) …spaceships, go to the edge of the universe, travel through the outer rim, have an existential journey itself, and become the next evolution of mankind; therefore, being in control of all the universe.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Van Dough) But I bet you call me selfish for wanting that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Richie entering an office area and speak aloud)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Dadlink on.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Two doors on the wall pull away to reveal three monitors above some shelving)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Locate Dad.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A computerized face that resembles Professor Keenbean starts to speak, but not before spinning around once and expanding its eyes for some reason)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Computer Face: Hiya, Slugger.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(NC recoils back in fear at the sight of the computer face)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Computer Face: Locating Dad now.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Don’t you just love early CG technology that’s trying to look hip, but instead just gives you diarrhea of fear?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Locate Dad.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The computerized face spins around once and expanding its eyes before speaking)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Computer Face: Hiya, Slugger.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): And why do his pupils get better? (He does a camera close-up on the expanding eyes) It’s like he’s looking to suck out my soul!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Computer Face: (after it spins around once) Hiya, Slugger. (A demon noise is added to when the face’s eyes expand)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (reacts with fright) D’AHHH!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Richie does what most kids would do around that age: gives his dad a call when he has a zit. (Beat) D-Did you do that growing up?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: (appears on Richard Sr.’s phone screen and shows his chin closely) I’m getting a zit. What do you think?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: Could we talk about this later?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Oh, sure, Dad. I’m sorry. I’ll see you tonight.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Rich, Sr.: (waves goodbye) Bye.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: See you. (Richard Sr. turns off his screen)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): See, this is one of the problems with the movie. The Richie character is so bland that we don’t really know what to make of a scene like this. Is it funny because he’s talking to him at such a delicate time, or because he’s bringing it up to him at all? Most kids don’t act this way, but we have no idea if that’s the way the character is or if the writer just doesn’t know much about kids. Nothing else about Richie himself is noticeably that strange, so we don’t know who’s the one who’s supposed to be acting out of line here: the father or the son. It’s like the “Animaniacs” joke.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip from “Animaniacs” is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Wakko: Knock knock.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dr. Scratchansniff: Who’s there?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Wakko: Max.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dr. Scratchansniff: Max who?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Wakko: Max wants to come in and go crazy!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dr. Scratchansniff: (looks at the audience confused, then back at Wakko) Okay, now that’s not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Wakko: It does if you know Max.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dr. Scratchansniff: But I don’t KNOW Max!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Wakko: If you did, you’d be laughin’!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Same thing here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): We see how Richie lives, but really, we know nothing about him; just that he has a lot of stuff, so a lot of these jokes fall flat. Some of the rich jokes are funny, but if you can’t gauge the reaction of the character this stuff is being bounced off of, you yourself don’t know how you’re supposed to react. All we ever get is that he wants to get out more, so he manages to bring in...well, let’s call them what they really are: a bunch of tokens. The token black kid, the token fat kid, the token cool kid, and the token girl…kid.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Gloria (the Token Girl): We know who you are.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tony (the Token Cool Kid): What, no chopper? (He and the other kids laugh to themselves)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Heavenly music plays as NC speaks in a deep voice)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) And God said unto Noah, “Bring me one of every stereotype, and you will have your crappy ‘90s movie.” And Noah said…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Noah Antwiler (aka Spoony): NO! (He folds his arms)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) And God struck him down with lightning. (Lightning strikes Spoony, making him explode before we cut to a “The End” title card) The End.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Fake end credits for “Noah and God” is shown (with a Photoshopped image of Spoony’s head over Adam in the Sistine Chapel painting) with the following credits: Jodie Foster as Claire Stalling, Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lector, Scott Glenn as Jack Crawford, James Levine as Jame Gumb, and Anthony Heald as Dr. Frederick Chilton)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Background Singers (from “Different Strokes”): Now the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Richie tries to befriend them, but in a very strange strategy, they decide it’s best NOT to befriend the incredibly rich child. (scoffs) Yeah, I mean, what could they possibly gain hanging out with the richest kid in the world? (scoffs again) So stupid!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Gloria: So what are you doing here?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Well, I was wondering maybe I can play with you guys.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Gloria: Play? (She speaks toward the other kids, gathering them in a huddle) No, I don’t think this is such a good idea.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Omar (the Token Black Kid): Alright, alright.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Gloria: Okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Omar: Alright.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(All the token kids turn to look at Richie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Token Kids: NOT!! (They laugh)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (clutches his heart) D’OOOH, they got me with the “Not!” card! Even though technically they never said anything positive to have the “Not!” card follow it, OHHH, it still hurts!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): I wish there was something I could do to combat it or fight back, but…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: …By GOD, it’s just too cool! It’s the perfect defense! It will never not be popular as long as I live! (Enraged, he shouts) NOOOOTTT!!! (He then falls forward onto his desk and sobs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But the walking Sunny D commercial finally agrees to meet up with him and, needless to say, they’re impressed.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Token Kids: Whoa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Omar: It ain’t no house; it’s a whole ‘hood!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (chuckles and folds his arms) I’m the black one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: Luncheon is served.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Pee-Wee (the Token Fat Kid): Alright! Food! I like this place.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Pee-Wee, points to himself) I’m the fat one! Food is my only identity!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: Master Richie was of the opinion that his guests deserve a break today. (He turns around to open double doors to reveal the inside of a McDonald’s-themed restaurant, which delights the token kids)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: I believe that’s bad screenwriting for “Insert your plug here.” (The screen fades to black) No, goddamn it!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Commercial break)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip of Bill Cosby advertising a popsicle is shown with NC dubbing over him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Bill Cosby) The Jello Pudding Pop is the best kind of pudding pop—(An animated hand grenade lands below Bill) Oh, my goodness, a grenade. (The grenade explodes)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (wipes his hands after a job well done) Had enough of those.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So they (Richie and the token kids) ride ATVs, speedboats, the Iron Wolf from Six Flags Great America that they’re not going to use in their backyard, it’s a whole lot of fun. But he (Richie) then comes across some bad news. Apparently, Larraquette put a bomb on his parents’ plane and they crashed into the ocean. They manage to stay afloat, but sadly, nobody can find them. With them out of the way, Larraquette thinks he can run the businesses and shut down the factories that he finds pointless. (He speaks sarcastically snobbish) But WHAT’S THIS? A child taking over the industry??

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (still sarcastically snobbish) Well, not since “Hero Peak” have I seen business ethic so inspired!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie arrives to have a one-on-one meeting with Van Dough)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: (offers an ordinary seat to Richie) Please, have a seat.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie refuses the offer and instead goes to his dad’s office chair to sit down in it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Okay, I’m not gonna lie; that was pretty badass.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: How much stock do I own?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: 51 percent of the voting stock.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: Yes, but you’re not of legal age to exercise your voting right.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cadbury: I stand in loco parentis and guardian ad litem to Master Richie. And accordingly, I give him full proxy power and authority.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Cadbury) Like a motherfucking boss, sir.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Richie is now running things, and, like always, he does a good job of it. You know, wouldn’t it be more awesome in one of these movies if the hero just crash and burns the company?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Clips from the “Moneyball” trailer start to play, starting with the fake “From Columbia Pictures” title card)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Commentator: Billy Beane has tried to reinvent a system that has been working for years.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Casey Beane: Hey, Daddy, do you think you’ll lose your job?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The fake title card “He Lost His Job” is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Grady Fuson: You’re discounting what scouts have done for 150 years?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The fake title card “People Hated Him” is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Billy Beane: (to himself) What the hell am I doing?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The fake title card “What the Hell Was He Doing?” is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Grady Fuson: It’s just not working out.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The fake title card “It Just Didn’t Work Out” is shown)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(More clips from “Moneyball” is shown before we get the final fake title card: “Brad Pitt is ‘That Stupid Guy With the Dumb Idea That Didn’t Work’”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Back to the movie, Richie is in a board meeting with executives and Van Dough offering a proposal)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: Some employee downsizing.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Downsizing. You mean fire people.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: It is our job to cut the fat.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: My father never fired anybody. He always said that when people are secure in their jobs, they work harder, they work happier, they work better.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! Nobody has a perfect hiring record! You’re going to make mistakes and hire the wrong people, like people who are under-qualified or over-qualified, or put a fucking bomb on a plane and blow your parents up! Don’t you think that’s a firing offense, you mental laxative of a movie?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: All those in favor of my motion… (He raises a hand, though nobody else does as an executive slurps down a milkshake (which everyone gets))

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: All opposed? (Everyone raises their hands)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Daniel Plainview (from “There Will Be Blood”): (audio, dubbed over Richie slurping down a milkshake) I drink your milkshake!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(In a film transition, a magazine cover spins toward the camera and stops to reveal Richie on the cover of People Magazine (being read by Van Dough) and given the title “Sexiest Man Alive”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, maybe from NAMBLA Weekly.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: I hate that kid.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So he (Van Dough) thinks of another way to take him down. He has the butler Cadbury arrested for…I don’t know, making his eggs smaller or something.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Police Detective: We received an anonymous tip and searched the Rich mansion. Bomb parts, detonation devices found in Herbert Cadbury’s room. You’re under arrest for the murder of Richard and Regina Rich.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So he’s framed for blowing up the folks, but Richie tries to break him out with one of the scientist’s inventions.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Richie at the police station and handing a brown bag to the police chief)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: I want you to give this to my…uncle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Police Chief: Let me see this. (He takes the bag and empties it, revealing a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste and a notepad) What’s this?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Very special toothpaste. He has really sensitive teeth.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as the police chief) Well, this is Chicago, and it is Cook County, so I’ll allow it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A police officer lets in a few inmates into a cell)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Police Officer: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes to do whatever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Baby Plucky Duck (from “Tiny Toons”): Eeeeewwwww.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cadbury is seen trying to brush his teeth, yet the toothbrush corrodes in reaction to a special liquid (which is one of Keenbean’s inventions) that can literally eat away anything; one of Van Dough’s goons then tries to choke Cadbury with a white rag before a fight scene begins)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So he (Richie) gives him the stuff just in time to have a thrilling…off-screen battle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(During the off-screen fight, a garbage can is thrown against the wall before we hear a toilet flush and Cadbury recovers from the fight)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Huh. That saved us a lot of money. So he breaks out and they put together that Larroquette is behind everything. But Larroquette also finds out that the vault he wants to get into is voice-activated by the parents. And guess who they just found?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ferguson: (reads the message “Your father has been found” on the Dadlink) Oh, my God, they’re alive. (He makes a phone call before we see the Computer Face once more)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Computer Face: Dad found.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Mario from “Super Mario 64”) It’s-a me-ah! Mario Pitali!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (normal) So he (Richie) calls in the Burger King Kids Club and, in an ironic twist, Culkin is actually trying to break into the house this time. Oh, I do hope his head gets burned by a flamethrower.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to the kids trying to free Professor Keenbean, who is tied up in a chair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: Richie! You wouldn’t believe what they did to me! It was inhuman!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): They see that the scientist has been kidnapped—wait, nobody was guarding him?—and he sees if he can whip up a diversion to distract the guards. What does he use?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Diane Kazinski: (is outside viewing through a pair of binoculars) Bubbles?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A huge pile of bubbles start foaming out from a fountain)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (from his “Return of the Nostalgic Commercials” video): (audio) FUCKING BUBBLES!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Guard: (notices the bubbles) What the heck?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): And by the way, what the hell is up with the ADULT MOTHER STAYING BEHIND while the young little kids go in to save the day?? Maybe she sees them like the canary you send in before entering a coal mine. This calls for a fat guy moment.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(As the kids escape to the outside, Professor Keenbean stops to speak)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: (to the kids) You guys go on ahead. I’ll be just a second.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Gloria: Okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Professor Keenbean reaching into a refrigerator and then standing up to take a huge bite out of something)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: (speaks with a mouth full of food) My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (utterly confused) …What?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Mayan vengeance? (Accompanying text plus an image of a couple Mayan tribesmen appears below him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Mighty pensions? (Accompanying text plus an image of a bar graph appears below him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Ma’s infections? (Accompanying text plus an image of a woman blowing her nose with a tissue appears below him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Marty’s steakhouse? (Accompanying text plus an image of a BBQ dinner meal appears below him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: CHEEEEWWWW!!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But it turns out Larroquette found the parents and forces them to open the vault with their voice-activated combination.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard and Regina Rich: (singing in a duet) Singing our song, side by side!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Security System Voice: Code accepted.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Hey-hey! I don’t get that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the rest of the kids fight off the bad guys with those (sarcastically laugh) wacky inventions. Or, how do you say it again?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Professor Keenbean: (with food in his mouth) My inventions!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Yeah, those. As we discover that the vault is not filled with riches, but more precious memories. And to the film’s credit, they do turn out two funny lines in a row here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: (is confused) Where are the gold bars? The diamonds? The…negotiable bearer bonds? The money? (He whips out a gun and points it at the Riches) Where’s the MONEY?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard Sr.: In banks. Where else? (The caption “Funny Line 1” appears onscreen with a “Ding!”) And the stock market.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: (to his henchmen) Shoot them. Shoot them now, please. (The caption “Funny Line 2” appears onscreen with a “Ding!”)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: What’s the matter, Mr. Van Dough? Can’t do it yourself?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: On this occasion, I think I’ll make an exception. (He shoots at Richie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie’s parents yelp in fright, yet nothing happens to Richie (he’s wearing bulletproof clothes thanks to one of Keenbean’s inventions))

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richie: Cool!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Van Dough fires at Richie again repeatedly, yet nothing happens to Richie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: AIM FOR THE HEAD! God, how come nobody in kids films ever aim for the head?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So they (Richie and the parents) escape out of the vault to have a thrilling climax on Mount Douchemore.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie and the parents are on the golden glasses of Richard, Sr.’s face on the mountain, far apart from each other)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard, Sr.: Alright.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Regina: Come on, Richie!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard, Sr.: Come on.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie slides down toward them safely)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(An audio clip of the musical score from “North by Northwest” plays over the climactic scene)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Van Dough bracing to climb up a ladder and shoot at the parents until we see that Richie is at the top)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard, Sr.: (off-screen) Now, off you go.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Regina: (off-screen) Oh, cut the crap and stop pushing.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Van Dough is about to fire his gun at Richie (to which he and the parents gasp), but nothing happens after he pulls on the trigger several times)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Van Dough: (softly to himself) Shit.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Well, there’s your PG rating, folks. Aren’t you glad all you parents in the audience had to be dragged to this flick just for that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Richie pushes the ladder back with his feet, making Van Dough fall backwards onto a hanging platform and injure himself; Ferguson aims a laser at the parents and fires, but it misses and strikes at the stone face of Regina instead, breaking off a piece of the nose)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Regina: Oh, my God, my nose! I look like Michael Jackson!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (acts defensive) Hey, Culkin testified for Jackson! I’m sure he takes great offense at that! Hence why he’s…still in this…movie—Oh, who cares? They knock out the bad guy, he serves his community service, and Blandie Bland finds out that his friends are the real riches.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Richard, Sr.: (speaks proudly to his wife) Now our son really is the richest boy in the world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Regina: (smiles) He has friends.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So I guess that means he doesn’t need the money and he’ll be handing it over to some sort of charity—or we’ll just roll the credits.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Hey, if it ends the movie faster!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): I guess this isn’t like the worst Culkin film or anything; it’s got a few memorable moments and one or two funny lines. But the main character is so bland and the story itself is so phoned in, that it’s pretty hard to get invested. I will admit I did sort of like the butler character, as he seems much more protective and caring than Richie’s parents, but…yeah, how about Richie’s parents?! Did they ever learn anything? Did they ever discover how to raise their kid better? Was there ever a story arc? Did they find out anything about their money or their son? I don’t think this movie cared enough to answer that question. Hell, I don’t even think it cared enough to ask it! It’s just a last-ditch effort to cash in on a kid celebrity’s status before his testicles drop!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: If you want to get rich in life, start saving your money by NOT BUYING THIS PIECE OF CRAP! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave, but then returns to lean in) Or play the stock market; that usually helps, too. (He then finally leaves the room)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">THE END

<span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">Channel Awesome Tagline—Professor Keenbean: My inventions!