49

Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 49 (March 27th, 2010)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book and lets out a wookie noise, dubbed over) Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Considering any and every comment you post on the Internet can be used against you in the future, will anyone be able to run for president?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Actually, no. People can run for president despite whatever comments they leave online. Just look at Barack Obama. / [indicates a jump cut] (leaning in) Need we forget that he used to be a Klansman. / And he left ALL SORTS of horrid remarks online: / white power, "destroy all the blacks", and so on, so forth... / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: / How can Barack Obama be a Klansman if he himself is BLACK? / Well, the answer is simple: (leaning in) THEY'RE FUCKING MORONS! / Thus, Barack Obama was allowed to be a Klansman. / Now I KNOW what else you're thinking: / Why would Barack Obama want to be a Klansman to BEGIN with? / Healthcare benefits. / Ironic, isn't it? / (quietly) Yes.

Narrator: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

That Guy: Well, I think so, Brain; but where are we gonna find rubber pants our SIZE?

Narrator: If Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are both in love together, how could a frog and a pig have sex together?

That Guy: Well, it's actually not that complicated. / For example, let's say that this pipe is Kermit the Frog (which he holds up); and this hole (his left hand comes into view; a hole is made with his thumb and index finger) is Miss Piggy. I'll demonstrate for you... (with a happy look, he then starts to push the mouthpiece through the hole; but just as it reaches the destination... we immediately cut to a picture of a group of young puppies, perhaps Labradors, on a big blue cushion, looking SOOOOO cute. Superimposed over this at the bottom of the screen is a caption in yellow letters with black borders: "Too Graphic To Show." The music suddenly has switched to a faux-tropical instrumental - the same one Doug has used many times before. Over all this, we hear someone off-screen - guess who? - screaming:)

Man: OH MY GOD, THAT'S SO HORRIBLE! THAT'S THE MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!

That Guy: (back on screen; original music returns) I bet you'll never eat pork the same way again. / Or vaginas. / With onions. / (winks at the camera)

Narrator: Whenever I ask someone a difficult question, they say, "Who knows?" If "who" knows everything, then why should we ask you all these questions and not him?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Well, the reason you should ask me is because Who is not always around. / In fact, most of the time, he's playing in a Major League Baseball game. / Now you might be asking yourself, "What position does he play?" Well, he plays first base. / So you might be saying to yourself, "Who's on FIRST?" / Insert Abbott-and-Costello routine here, and we're done. / (leaning in) With onions.

Narrator: Hello?

That Guy: I'm sorry. Wrong number. You've reached the Sex Hotline for sheep. (cut to a close-up of That Guy "baa-ing" three times; the sound effect is dubbed over him. Every time he "baas", his eyes light up; when he's not, he smiles. Plus, Doug's standard erotic music is playing also. Jump cut back to normal; piano music resumes) Sssssssaucy.

Narrator: Why don't Game Boys have penises?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Oh, they do; but, much like a turtle, it sort of retracts in and out. / And thank God for that. / (leans in) Have you ever SEEN a Game Boy's penis? / It's positively disgusting! / It's ORANGE. Why would a Game Boy penis be orange? / Now, Game MEN: (brief chuckle) THEY'RE well-hung. / Theirs are orange, too; but they're all (uses his hands to elaborate) nice, rigid, and CRUNCHY. / (looks up) Or did I just put a Cheeto on one? / (leans in) Either way, it was delicious. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: / How would I know what a Game Boy penis looks like if I wasn't some sort of a pedophile? / Well, (brief chuckle, then he suddenly turns stoic) I'm sick. (holds for a few seconds)

Narrator: Are you a lesbian?

That Guy: (chuckles) Oh, I wish. / Then all I would have to do to get aroused is look at myself NAKED. / True, I wouldn't have a penis to stroke; but, then again, that's what Game Boys are for. / (brief stammer) I mean, Game Men! / (digitally altered to sound deeper) I'm sick.

Narrator: Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

That Guy: (chuckles, looking off-screen to the right; then he punches the camera with his right fist)

Narrator: Who? What? Where? Why?

That Guy: Your mother, sex, a trash can, and because she's an UNBELIEVABLE whore. / (leans in) Incidentally, did you know that trash can sex is some of the best sex EVER? / How do you think Oscar the Grouch was conceived? / (leans in) Though there ARE rumors that he's not actually a person and some sort of mutated sexual disease. / But it's still hot all the same! / (leans in) Incidentally, don't touch him. You, uh... WILL get crabs. / And a brand new sexual disease simply known as... "the nibbles." / Don't ask. You'll... just know when you have it. / (makes a facial expression where it looks like he's quickly vomiting, I think...)

Narrator: Who shot first: Han or Greedo?

That Guy: Sleep with somebody. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END