Felix the Cat



(A view of the NC's room, his chair sits there empty. A few seconds later, he picks himself up the floor, almost delirious.)

NC: Just do yourself a favor, and GO. Just go. Click on something else. Really! You don't want to stay here. You won't survive it. (chuckles) I barely survived it! I barely survived... (laughs quietly, mumbling before yelling) This movie's HORRENDOUS! It's horrendous! It's just ungodly! Unnatural! (Yells while slapping his hands on his desk) IF A PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT MADE A MOVIE....AND THAT MOVIE TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS IS THE PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE!!! (calms down, takes a deep breath)...."Felix the Cat."

(The movie version of the Felix the Cat Theme starts playing and clips from the movie are shown)

NC V/O: I know what you're thinking: "What, that black and white cartoon from God knows when? How could a movie based on THAT thing be as horrible as I'm making it out to be? How could some innocent animation from the '20s possibly effect someone in the most horrendous ways you can imagine?"

NC: Pfftt.....(laughs, squealing)...you've been warned!

(Opening begins)

NC V/O: Okay, (sighs) so we start off this movie with--

NC: (quickly interrupts) You sure you don't want to turn back? There's still time! I'm sure Angry Joe has a good video! (pauses for a few moments before speaking again) Okay...

NC V/O: So we start off this film about the classic 2-D animated character with, of course, some classic 2-D anima--(The screen pans out, showing a large 3D head of Felix the Cat) What the fucktopus?!?

Felix: Oh, hi everybody! Glad you could make it!

NC: And hundreds of screaming kids go running out of the theater.

Felix: (as his mouth stays wide open as he speaks) You see, I just got back from the land of Oriana.

NC V/O: (talking over Felix, sarcastically) Wow, you almost had actual lip movement there that time! Keep it up, and your mouth might actually close a few times when you say a sentence!

Felix: Come to think of it, I don't even know if I could get back there myself.

NC V/O: And, in case you're wondering, no, there's no other 3-D animation in the entire picture. So, really, this is completely pointless. It's like watching that annoying Mario head at the opening of [Super] Mario 64. (A clip of Mario's head from "Super Mario 64" is shown) Yeah, it looked nice then, but it's awkward and disturbing now!

(Felix and Mario appear side by side)

Felix and Mario (dubbed by NC): Which one of our voices is more annoying?

NC: (visibly disturbed) Don't make me choose!

NC V/O: Okay, so after we're done with Cat Headroom, we finally get our title, Felix the Cat. (He sarcastically cheers) Yayyy. We then see the land of Oriana, where Princess Oriana... bit of an ego trip there, is busy running her country when she's suddenly interrupted.

Grumper: Ahem, I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Princess Oriana: I always have time for you.

Grumper: It's this increase in credits you've created, it's just unheard of.

Princess Oriana: I'm so glad you agree.

(A door opens and a woman named Madame Pearl comes in)

Madame Pearl: Ooh, it's happened! I should have known! I saw all the signs!

NC V/O: (disgruntled) Oh god, this movie's gonna hurt. OK, so you might notice, well, to be perfectly honest, ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES! Yeah! Actually, everything wrong with this film you can sum up in literally the first two minutes! Firstly, the animation is obnoxious; it needs Ritalin. Second, it has the same problem as "The Magic Voyage" (poster for said movie appears); it's just constant noise all throughout the film! It never takes a break!

Madame Pearl: The Duke of Zill. He's gotten through the impasse with a whole army! He's almost here.

Duke of Zill: Invade the city!

NC V/O: But surprisingly, this film is even worse!

NC: Why?

NC V/O: Because the sound mixing is so bad that half the time, you can't even make out what they're saying.

(Various clips play, proving indeed how poor the sound mixing sessions were)

NC V/O: (as a clip from "The Magic Voyage" is shown) Give "The Magic Voyage" some credit; I at least heard every piece of shit dialogue that was written! (Back to the movie) Third, the lip movements almost never match what the characters are saying. Look at this scene; the guy never closes his mouth!

Grumper: I will delay them for as long as I can. I'm old. They won't harm me.

NC V/O: How does he form consonants?! But hey, seeing how we can't hear what the characters are saying half the time, anyway, I guess it doesn't matter.

NC: (Holds up two fingers) That's two minutes. Two minutes, and already I want to stab a puppy and eat people! PRAY FOR THE APOCALYPSE PEOPLE! WE HAVE EIGHTY MORE MINUTES OF THIS SHIT!

NC V/O: OK, so what I could gather over the underwater audio is that the princess' uncle...(as name appears) named Zill...

Jeffrey Lebowski (from "The Big Lebowski"): That's a name no one would self-apply where I come from.

NC V/O: ...is in the process of taking over her kingdom.

Grumper: May I remind you, Princess Oriana, that since you've disbanded the army, there is now no defense against such a possibility.

Princess Oriana: Thank you, Grumper. I don't need to be reminded.

NC V/O: Uh, haha. Clearly you do, because that was a pretty jackass move. You got rid of your entire army? WHO DOES THAT!?

NC V/O: (as Grumper) Uh, princess, why did you dispose of our army?

NC V/O: (as Princess Oriana) Well, when in the history books has anyone ever taken a government down?

NC V/O: (as Grumper) Uh, hehe. You're joking, right?

NC V/O: (as Princess Oriana) But even if someone did try to break in, I would just hold my dress on both sides and think happy thoughts. Doesn't that sound the most logical?

NC V/O: (as Grumper) This conversation makes me feel drunk.

NC V/O: (normal) So they try to get her out through a hidden tunnel, but the Doctor Who robots are close in on their tails.

Princess Oriana: We can't let the cube see us.

NC V/O: So they outwit the... evil...boxes...

(clip from The Nerd Vs. NC: The Final Battle plays)

AVGN: Oh, don't you talk about my boxes! I like boxes!

(back to the movie)

NC V/O: ...and come across a room where a machine that can jump dimensions is kept.

Princess Oriana: I do hope the Dimensporter still works. It's so old.

NC V/O: Wait a minute, "so old?" You mean you have an ungodly powerful dimensional transporter and you never use it?!? What the fuck is wrong with this bimbo?!?

NC: (as Princess Oriana, holding an imaginary cup) I've been using it to make hot chocolate! (is slapped in the face)

NC V/O: But the machines grab her before she can get it to work.

(The robots go after Princess Oriana and Madame Pearl)

Kid Icarus (from "Captain N: The Game Master"): (audio) Princess, the palace is under siege!

Princess Oriana: (struggles to break free from the cluthes of two robots) Let me go!

(suddenly - yes, really - a tear falls from Oriana's face and floats in the air, becoming magical)

NC V/O: (reacts to the magical tear) What the hell?

(The tear comes to life and starts up the transporter)

NC V/O: Um... thank God that 1980's music video tear suddenly turned gold and activated the machine.

NC: (is baffled) It happens!

NC V/O: Good buttery God, her tears are incredible! I mean, if that's what they can do, imagine what her snot could be capable of!

(NC flicks a booger from his finger, as an explosion surrounds the room - There's your answer, NC.) 

NC V/O: So the tear goes to a totally different dimension...on its own, it's alive, yeeaaghhh...and it looks for a dimension not nearly as strange or surreal as the one they're currently in. (the scene shows the tear crossing dimensions, landing on a yellow bag) Does it come to our world? Well, I'm gonna say no on that, because even though it looks like our world, there's cars in it like our world, there's even humans in it like our world, (cut to a shot of Felix the Cat doing god-knows-what with his yellow bag) there's a talking cat who walks around with everyday people and carries a magical bag that he can, somehow, morph into anything! So, clearly, it's not our everyday normal world!! Why does this get me so angry? Well, because it raises the question: Why the fuck did we have a different dimension in this movie?! Why couldn't Felix just be in Oriana, the strange world?? He's already strange; he's a talking cat!! It's not like the real world meets something odd and whimsical. IT'S WEIRD-ASS SHIT MEETING WEIRD-ASS SHIT!!! So this plot point has no purpose! It's just wasting time, something you'll find this movie is very, very good at!!

FELIX: (admires the golden tear on his face) Oh! Mmmmm! (thinks it's a firefly and smacks his face to squash it, but the tear floats away) Ah!

NC V/O: So as you can hear, Felix's dialogue is about as complex as an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Oh, hell, even they had more respectable dialogue than this crap!

(Felix chases tear while making annoying noises, including "Stop!" "Whoo!" and "Uh-oh! Whah!")

NC: (mimicks Felix's dialogue) Ooh! Hah! Hee! Hoh! Hah! Hahahaha! Ha!

NC V/O: So while felix is chasing the magical, flying golden tear...

NC: (takes off his glasses to rub his face in anguish) Someone had to write that...

NC V/O: ...two scientists are watching him because apparently, they want control of his magic bag.

Poindexter: Yes, Uncle. This must be something really big, if he's got his bag.

Professor: Hee hee yes, YES! The bag! I've always wanted that bag. Perhaps this is an ideal oppurtunity for me to acquire it!

NC V/O: So this may sound weird but... I think "Felix the Cat" has way too much story. There's, like, a million things going on at once in this movie. (The movie poster for "Inception" appears briefly) You're not directing Inception; it's "Felix the fucking Cat"!

(An unnecessary musical number starts up as a family of foxes look at Felix's bag under which he is hiding)

Background Singers: Sly as a fox / You got me under you're spell.

NC V/O: Uh, does this really warrant a song? It's just some foxes looking at a bag. Why does this lend itself to musical accompaniment?

Singers: And you just outfoxed yourself / The way I knew you would.

NC V/O: They must be learning from the Randy Newman School of Pointless Song Writing!

(Footage of the fox family plays again)

NC V/O: (as Randy Newman, sings) Foxes / They like looking at bags / And then they walk away / So their tails are gonna wag... (speaks as Randy) you pay Randy now.

(Back to the movie)

NC V/O: He (Felix) follows the tear down a hole where he sees the remains of an old mine.

Felix: I think I'm starting to fall for you, (laughs to himself; he comes across a skull) Boy, could you use a Big Mac! Huh? (laughs again, but this time it sounds very maniacal, very sick-minded, isn't it?) Bleaaah!

NC V/O: Boy, Felix is kind of sick, isn't he? Does he always laugh at the dead when he comes across them?

NC: (mocks Felix while pointing off-screen camera left): Ha ha ha ha, you stupid skull! Ha ha ha ha! Alright, time to get some reading done, ahem! (pulls up a history book titled "History's Monsters" and opens it before pulling back his head to laugh) Ha, ha ha ha! Stupid people who died at the hands of Joseph Stalin! Bleaaah!

NC V/O: So he finds himself in the Dimensional jumper-upper and gets sent to Oriana.

Golden magical flying tear: Oriana

(Felix walks out of the Dimensporter and stumbles about)

NC V/O: But he's trapped in a room and uses his magic bag to drill his way out.

(Felix drills through the wall and looks into it)

Felix: Uh-oh.

(A rush of water goes gushing into the room; however, a series of strange underwater creatures go marching through.)

NC V/O: OK, this is making the Yellow Submarine look sober. It's just pointless nonsense on top of pointless nonsense! In fact, what was that line used to describe iocane powder in "The Princess Bride"?

Westley (from "The Princess Bride"): It is odorless, tasteless and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

NC V/O: Yeah, that's this movie! That's this fucking movie!

(Cut to Felix on the machine after getting out of the water, changing his bag into a scuba-diving suit)

NC V/O: By the way, I should point out that Felix's magic bag has no logical reasoning to it. He just sort of looks at it, lasers come out of his eyes, and suddenly, it transforms into whatever he wants. There is no limitation or understanding of it at all. We don't even know where it came from or how he got it. He just starts out with it and, hey, it's a magic bag. Don't question it. You know, maybe that would work better in the 1920's...

(Cut to a clip from one of the silent Felix cartoons from the 20s')

NC V/O: ...when animation was new and it horrified people.

(NC appears in black & white)

NC:(imitates a guy from the 20s' watching Felix) Oh my god! A cat doing things with a bag! Hide your children!

NC V/O: But when this came out, it made as much sense as...it does now.

(Cut to Felix cleaning his scuba mask and looking at a short bearded man with a wide moustache)

Pim: Howdy, stranger.

NC V/O (as Pim): I speak for the trees.

Pim: Why don't you just follow me? Eh, by yourself, you'd get in a lot of trouble around here.

(Felix follows Pim through a creepy-looking forest; Felix looks up at a pterodactyl-like creature hanging from a tree branch as its eyes glow red and it makes noise, but it doesn't move)

NC V/O (sarcastically): Look out! That's painted into the background, so obviously, it's not gonna move.

(Felix bumps into Pim, who tosses him into the swamp water, where he gets trapped in some red, round object that's kind of like a bubble)

NC V/O: But the old man traps him in a... cherry sperm... and hands him over to a circus entertainer who wants to exploit his magic bag. Meanwhile Dr. Wiley and Dr. Honeydew try following Felix so they can capture his magic bag as well.

Professor: Felix is definitely over his head this time! Ha ha ha.

(Poindexter presses buttons, which causes a computer to transform into a helicopter thing)

NC V/O: (as a "Transformers" background singer with accompanying text) Changeformers: Less Than You'd Expect.

NC V/O: (normal) While that's going on, the entertainer tries to force Felix to show how to use his magic bag.

Wack Lizardi: What is your name?

(Felix defiantly crosses his arms and looks away)

Wack Lizardi: Alright, let's try again. What is your name?

(Pim does God-knows-what on a trash can, hopping on either foot, but it looks like he's... well...)

NC V/O: What the fuck is he doing?

Wack Lizardi: Heh heh heh, that's real good. Listen, pussy cat! You wanna eat? Then you work!

Felix: My name is Felix!

(Pim continues to do whatever he's doing on the trash can)

NC V/O: Stop that! You're getting way too much enjoyment out of whatever you're doing!

(Pim continues hopping on either foot for no reason at all)

NC V/O: (laughs) What did they even tell the person who was animating this?

NC V/O: (Imitates a director speaking to an animator) Alright, I want you to make it look like he's dry-humping a trash can. No questions damn it, No questions. I have a very specific vision!!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So the show slash circus slash thing that the entertainer runs finally begins, and—you’re not gonna believe it—it’s really loud, obnoxious and annoying!

Chorus: Who is the boss? The Duke of Zill, of course! Who never gathers moss? The Duke of Zill, of course!

(At one point during the song, we see an overlaid image of Princess Oriana covering her face with both hands in despair)

NC (voiceover): (reacts to the appearance of Princess Oriana) What the anus? (Beat) Okay, I have no idea why they just showed her face right there, but let me tell you, it sums up the movie! That’s the face I’m gonna make throughout the entire flick!

(The circus sequence is played again with a different song dubbed in, this time with NC overlaid on the footage and mocking Princess Oriana’s expression of despair)

NC (voiceover): (sighs) This whole sequence is like a bad fever dream after watching Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

(Cut to a clip from “The Wall” sequence of Pink Floyd: The Movie which intercuts with footage of the audience in “Felix the Cat: The Movie”)

Pink (Bob Geldof): Are there any queers in the audience tonight? Get them up against the wall!

Choir: (dubbed over the audience in “Felix the Cat: The Movie”) ‘Gainst the wall!

Pink: There’s one in the spotlight, he don’t look right!

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): But Felix performs, and it turns out he’s a big hit with his magic bag. Why he doesn’t just turn it into a semi-automatic and blow the shit out of everybody, I don’t know! But he does make the Fraggle Rock gremlins look happy.

Wack Lizardi: (to Felix) You did good, eh? You’re a born performer, eh? (laughs)

NC (voiceover): We then see the princess is forced to perform while dancing inside a bubble.

(Cut to a quick clip from NC’s video “Return of the Nostalgic Commercials” featuring Bubble Thing)

NC (voiceover): FUCKING BUBBLES!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Princess Oriana does a sultry kind of dance inside the bubble)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Why is it princesses can never seem to get out of bubbles? (He cuts to a clip from “Dragon’s Lair”) Like Princess Daphne. Don’t all they have to do is pop it? I mean, this isn’t rocket science! (Cut back to the movie) In fact, this whole movie seems like a lost Don Bluth game, “Dragon’s Suck!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Princess Oriana out of her bubble and walking with the small metal robot guards as Felix watches in hiding)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: (speaks in her thoughts almost indistinctly, again due to the movie’s poor sound mixing) I must be strong. Perhaps if I can hear…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): What? What? What? I-I-I-I can’t hear. What?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: (speaks in her thoughts) …mercy on my people.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Guess what? That constant pounding sound coming from the robot is not vitally important to hear! Maybe the inner thoughts of one of our main characters holds a little bit more weight, but not likely.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Felix having grabbed two creatures that look like a mix between mice and lizards, known an "Mizzards" in the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: I…gotcha! It’s all right. I’m not gonna hurt you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he befriends these two mice who, for some reason, dress up like lizards and, for some reason, can chew through metal…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (chuckles while remaining calm) It’s…it’s not even worth questioning.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): …as they let him out and lead him up to the Princess’ cell.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: This may sound crazy, but I’m not from around here. I followed a tear with an image, your image inside it, and here I am because of you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: The tear! The Dimensporter! The other dimension! Then it did get through.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, because apparently, tears in badly animated movies have the power to start up dimensional transporters (cut to a clip from “The Legend of the Titanic”) and talk with dolphins with the help of magical moonbeams! (Back to the movie) How come tears are, like, mythical Stargates in these films?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: (opens up a book before we cut to photos inside of it) When my father was still alive, there was a small army, more for ceremonial occasions than anything else. But there was one person who didn’t like the way things were: my uncle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dissolve to a flashback of Oriana’s uncle working in a lab with an assistant and creating a metal robot guard)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Oriana’s Uncle: It worked! It will revolutionize my work. I…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The robot becomes active, launching itself out of the lab and causing a fire it, leaving Oriana’s uncle unconscious)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lab Assistant: Err, it wasn’t supposed to do that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Fade back to the present day on a photo of the Duke of Zill)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: He was horribly disfigured.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wait a minute.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC rewinds the footage to the lab scene in the flashback and he focuses in on the unconscious Uncle)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He’s not horribly disfigured, HE LOOKS FINE! What, did he get a pimple in that fire and he was too embarrassed to show it off?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: My father had entrusted me with the royal secrets and the location of the Book of Ultimate Power. It’s this book that the Duke so desperately wants.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): The Book of Ultimate Power. Yeah, why don’t you just call it a more obvious name, like “The Goody Good Good That People Really Wanty Wanty”?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: My poor country! I fear time is running out for it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: We will get out of here. I promise you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): Yeah, so again, even though the king and queen are totally dead, she still technically calls herself Princess. How does that work? If you’re the ruler of a nation, you’re a fucking queen! You know, we never did hear her first name. Maybe she legally changed it to Princess (He demonstrates this with a caption “Sarah Oriana” and crossing it off with a red line before showing the caption “Princess Oriana”) just so she can keep the title! Given the fact that she threw her armies out—even though there’s a crazy-ass uncle who wanted her dead—it wouldn’t surprise me! So while they’re (Felix and Oriana) trying to figure a way out, the two doctors are trying to figure a way in.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Professor and Poindexter approach a ticket booth)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Poindexter: Uh, excuse me, Miss. How much is it to enter this establishment?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ticket Vendor: Four credits for adults, two for children.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Poindexter hands the vendor two wrenches, and she takes them)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ticket Vendor: Yeah, okay, okay. Enjoy the show.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He paid with wrenches? (shrieks) WHY WOULD HE PAY WITH WRENCHES?! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m trying, movie! I’m really trying to understand you! But you just don’t add up!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): This whole movie is like a beating on your child’s brains! If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I’d say “GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Wack Lizardi appearing from behind a curtain to address the audience; NC has a brief caption that says “Dracula’s Shadow?” and points to Wack Lizardi’s shadow on the curtain that doesn’t remain consistent with Wack’s movements)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Wack Lizardi: Alright, ladies and germs. Step right up and see the greatest and the latest, right in our ring.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Felix has a brilliant plan, I guess, which is blowing a bunch of bubbles out of his saxophone and somehow, they float away on that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Duke of Zill: (speaks as he gets up from his throne and tumbles down to the bottom of the steps) How did Wack lose the front? They’re escaping! You let them outsmart you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the Duke of Zill) Curses! I knew someday bubbles would be my undoing!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Oriana and Felix having made their escape, and Felix lands on the ground with his bubble popping)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: Oh!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So they get away along with Stinky Pete (Pim)—who I guess is a good guy now—but the Skittles Electric Parade is on the go, and they (our heroes) have to get a move on. So they come across the Professors who were trying to steal the bag, but Felix steals it right back.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Felix whistles, and his bag obeys the whistling command and bounces itself back over to him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: (to Professor) I don’t suppose you have anything that belongs to me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Professor: I was bringing it to you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sarcastically) Wow, so they were really essential to the story.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): (dubs over the Professor) Give me the bag.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (dubs over Felix) No.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): (dubs over the Professor) Okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The caption “END STORY ARC!” is shown with a “Ta-Da!” sound effect)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): So they come across a hair forest…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m not questioning it. Why should you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): But even more strange creatures come to do strange things.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A bat-like creature that appear only as a head swoops down with Princess Oriana screaming at the sight of it, but Felix fights it off)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: Princess, are you OK?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: (is on all fours, exhausted) Yes, I think so.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Princess Oriana) Oh, that one pussy scream really seemed to take a lot out of me.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(More of the bat-like creatures chase after Pim before our heroes approach a giant leader that has the same head as those bat-like creatures, but with a full body as well)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Pim: It’s the head Headhunter!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Princess Oriana gasps)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sighs) It’s like if Dr. Seuss really hated children and wanted to give parents a way of punishing them without necessarily beating them, and yet the psychological scars would still be the same.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The bat-like creatures with just heads continue to attack and cause chaos while being able to return to their full bodies)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Listen to that cheap ‘80s music. Does this match at all?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (singing to an instrumental version of "Danger Zone", which sounds like the score, the lyrics appearing as NC sings) I went through the RANDOM ZONE! Gonna take you right into the RANDOM ZONE!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Felix has another brilliant idea: Hats! (Long beat, then breaks down) I just don’t GET YOU, MOVIE! I DON’T GET YOU!! I’m convinced. This movie is where somebody’s drug money went! They had to hide it somewhere, so how about a film that obviously had no effort put into it whatsoever! And on top of that, nobody would ever see!!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: It’s genius! (points to his head with both fingers) PURE DIABOLICAL GENIUS!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, thank God, we’re almost at the end, OK. So the uncle comes across our heroes and forces them to show where the Book of Power is.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Duke of Zill takes the book and picks it up to open it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Duke of Zill: What is this? Some kind of joke? (He reads the following words inside the book that magically appear) “Truth”? “Love”? “Wisdom”? I’ve been suffering and waiting all these years for this crud?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Hey, at least those years were in flashback. We had to sit through a whole hour and a half for this weak-ass twist!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Duke of Zill: Master Cylinder! [I have] something in mind for you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): And speaking of weak-ass twists, just as the uncle threatens them with a giant killer robot, Felix literally throws the Book at him, and…that actually defeats him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Duke of Zill: Wait, no! (His robot army disappears one by one) My army!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, nothing like showing truth, love and wisdom than by tricking your enemy with all your hatred through the dumbest and most barbaric of idiotic methods!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Truly, we learned a lot from this movie.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sings with accompanying text) RANDOM ZONE!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So Felix tries to go back to his dimension, but it turns out none of the gold the professors brought is able to pass through.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the Dimensporter.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: But Princess, I don’t have any gold.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Princess Oriana: You’re wrong, Felix. You do. You have a heart of gold.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC screams in frustration, utterly disgusted by the cliché)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Felix: Righty-O!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(As the movie ends with a fade to black before the credits roll with the 3D Felix head appearing alongside them, NC explodes in a torrent of agitated screams that build in anger and frustration as he points to the camera)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): OH, FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY’S DAY BALLOON! YOU ARE SHIT ON A DICK!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: This movie…this movie…I mean, MY GOD!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): It is horrendously bad, beyond annoying! Every second is like a kick to my ballsack! The story, the characters, everything about it is like a little kid jumping on her bed screaming! It’s just loud, grating, and makes no sense! It’s one of the worst, people. One of the worst I’ve ever had to sit through! It is a piece of…DAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: There are no words to describe it! There’s only one single, solitary image! (The picture of Princess Oriana covering her face in despair is overlaid briefly over him) Thank you! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. RUN, MY CHILDREN! RUN! YOU ARE FREE! FLEE THIS HORRIBLE CAULDRON OF ASS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (The sound of children screaming is heard as he quickly gets up to leave)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Channel Awesome Tagline—(Felix laughing)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A clip of Pim hopping on either foot on a trash can is shown one last time)