Rise of the Commercials

(The original intro suddenly gets interrupted by TV static, and the screen suddenly goes to black, save for one little white dot. After a while, pop-up ads start appearing onscreen. The ads disappear, and the white dot grows turns into film projector static, until a "loading circle" appears. The projector static resumes, and then a clip of the soundwave from the intro to The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror V appears on top of the screen. Finally, the "I O Donuts" image from Nostalgia Critic's t-shirt appears onscreen.)

Announcer: There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. We are controlling the video. If we wish to annoy you, we'll add obnoxious pop-up ads. If we wish to infuriate you, we will load the video even slower so that all you can see is that annoying circle (cue the loading circle). If we wish to confuse you, we will satirize a show that was popular in the 60's, but you'll still kinda get it because you saw it on The Simpsons Halloween Special. For the next half-hour, sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery of...Nostalgic commercials.

(Footage of various commercials)

NC (voiceover): They're back, and they're ready to sell you their shit. Nostalgic Saturday morning commercials are practically a lost art. In that there's no more Saturday morning cartoons to play them with.

NC: Thanks, non-stop kids-ploitation media! (Various channel logos appear onscreen.)

NC (voiceover): But nevertheless, there was still a strange otherworldly feel to the ads of the 80's and 90's, and even some more recent ones too. So today, we're gonna take a look at their bright, colorful, sugar-coated, brain-cell killing awesomeness in all its glory. Because commercials are reviewable too. What makes them memorable, what makes them laughable, and what makes them memorably laughable.

NC: So, seeing how the first one I called "After These Messages", the second one "We'll be Right Back", the third one "!", and the fourth one "The Fourth One", this one I'm calling... "The Quickening".

(We are treated, like in the previous commercial specials, to a compilation of ABC's clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages...

Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages...

Clay Dog (sings): After these messages...

(The title "The Quickening" is shown.)

Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back!

Skip It
(TV static transition to:  Skip It  commercial)

Singer (audio): ♫ Hey now, kids! Come gather 'round, see what just skipped into town. ♫

NC (voiceover): Yeah, you all know this one. Go ahead and sing along.

Announcer (singing): ♫ Skip It, Skip It, you want to jump to the top. ♫

NC (singing): Skip it, skip it...

Announcer (singing): ♫ A skippin' and a screamin' and bop-shoo-bop. ♫

NC (voiceover): This is the classic ad for a toy that was pretty much just jump rope for a disposable income.

Announcer (voiceover): ♫ But the very best thing of all: there's a counter on this ball. ♫

NC: Wow. That is the best thing of all. Remember when you had to count? Remember the fucking terrible days where you actually had to count?

NC (voiceover): Not only do I get to stay in just one place for hours, but I get to not think of numbers while doing it.

NC: This thing's the new iPhone 6.

NC (voiceover): As much as I love this ad, have you ever known anyone that was good at it? I mean, fucking anyone? I sure didn't. Nobody I knew could ever get the hang of this damn thing. If they really wanted to get it right, they would have advertised it like this...

(Cut to a parody of Skip it called Trip it with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers playing the kids.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Hey kids, see the new toy in town? To get you more acquainted with the ground. It's Trip It, Trip It, smashing faces into asphalt.

(Malcolm trips and falls onto the pavement.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Trip It, Trip It!

(Tamara falls on top of Malcolm. "FUN")

NC (singing like the announcer): Sue the toy brand, it's their fault!

(Malcolm looks on the back.)

NC (singing like the announcer): Cause the very best thing of all is the numbers on the ball ("1-800 DON'T SUE"; that's "1-800-366-8873">1-800-366-8873">1-800-366-8873"). Maybe you can take those bastards to court, sue the little fuckers right down to their shorts.

(A lawyer, played by Jim Jarosz, shows the CEO, played by Doug, a paper with the words "FALSE ADVERTISEMENT" written on them. The CEO shrugs as a truck drives past the screen with the words "AMERICAN JUSTICE" written on the side, stripping the CEO of his shirt and pants. Malcolm and Tamara laugh with cigars in their mouths as money falls all around them).

(A screen showing the product with the words "Trip it" is shown.)

NC (voiceover as the announcer): Trip it, it's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

NC (voiceover): Well, it's still a catchy song that won't be leaving anytime soon.

Announcer (singing): Skip it Skip it, come on everybody let's skip it!

The Incredible Crash Dummies
(TV static transition to:  The Incredible Crash Dummies  commercial)

Announcer (voiceover): It's the Incredible Crash Dummies!

Slick and Spin: Sure! (crashing into the bullseye) Whoa!

NC (voiceover): So there's this strange period of time when the crash test dummies, which were originally PSAs for seatbelt safety, got their own toys made.

Junkman: I'll smash their fun!

Spin(?): Gotta run!

NC (voiceover): It was...weird. There was like an evil dummy who wanted to stop their crashing...

NC: ...because that was a thing, I guess...

NC (voiceover): ...but in theory, it was still kind of cool, because it was the only toy you were expected to break.

Junkman: Break?! Where's the brakes?!

Spin(?): There aren't any.

Junkman (falling onto the bullseye): Whoa!

Announcer (voiceover): The Incredible Crash Dummies!

NC (voiceover): Even though every commercial ended with the same line...

Slice: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt!

NC (voiceover): Isn't it a little ironic that you're learning about car safety by being encouraged to crash a car?

NC: This is actually kinda sick.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, maybe that one went through the windshield or that one's fucking bleeding to death. Innocent fun!

NC: Maybe I'm reading too deep into it. I mean, after all, it's not like there was a torture chair to live out your sadistic fantasies.

Announcer: With the crash and bash chair!

NC (voiceover): What the Christicles? Holy shit!

(Scenes of the dummies being dismembered)

Child voice: Nice body slam!

NC (voiceover): What does any of this have to do with car safety?

Voice: Hey dummy, give me a break? Whooahh.

(The dummy parts going flying at a screen with the words "SMASH".)

NC: Okay. There's playful violence, and then there's Saw. This is Saw water that you're in.

Spare Tire(?): CRASH TEST!!!!

Announcer: These guys really take a beating!

NC (voiceover): Whatever fucked-up part of our brains liked this, it was a hit for a while, even if we...should probably be concerned why.

Slice: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt!

(Billy from the Saw series pops up.)

NC (as Jigsaw): Or I'll kill you!

TMNT
(TV static transition to:  TMNT  commercial)

Cameraman: 3-2-1!

Michelangelo: Hey there, sports dude!

(NC moans in terror at the TMNT 3 reject puppet.)

NC (vo as Michelangelo): I'm the melting ass animatronics from Ninja Turtles 3.

Michelangelo: Basketball: Slam dunking Donnie --

NC (voiceover): God, how did they go from Jim Henson's puppetry to a dead-eyed corpse with fishing line poled lips like Mr. Ed???

Michelangelo: In football, TD Tossing Leo's making sure the Foot aren't having a ball.

NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing is, you can tell this is when they were running out of ideas for stuff to put the Ninja Turtles on. In the early 90s, they were literally on everything. No, I mean fucking everything.

Michelangelo: Like lively six pack low fat Yogurt.

Leonardo: Excellent!

NC (vo): So, it's pretty obvious this is when we were getting to the point where they had very few options left.

Raphael: Friends, are you in the market for a new car? Mike's Cowabunga Surf Buggy!

Michelangelo: Welcome back to the International Turtle Games!

Raphael: There I was, on safari in deepest Africa!

Michelangelo: YEEHAW! Dudes! I just love the Old West!

NC: It's kinda like saying, "Remember when Batman took up baseball? Or Wonder Woman took up bowling?" (We see photoshopped images of the two scenarios... then actual comics featuring these scenarios.) Ok, those were actually real things, but it still feels wrong!

Raphael: It's Crazy Clowning Mike!

Michelangelo: Chief Leo, leader of the Turtle Tribe/Bandito Bustin' Mike/It's Raph the magnificent!

Raphael: Hey, the rabbit pops up!

NC: But wait! There's more! Uh... uh... There's (cue photoshop images of...) Ninja Turtles accounting! Ninja Turtle tool booth operator! And last, but not least, pregnant Ninja Turtles. (as Michelangelo) Like preggers-bunga!

Raphael: Things weren't going too well, ok?

NC: We swear! It's all part of the original source material! Practically nothing has changed! It's not just an attempt to have you to buy it as a gift or something!

Raphael: Bodacius Birthday Turtles! Just what I always wanted.

Singers (off-key to Happy Birthday): Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

NC: (pause) Enjoy your fumes.

Raphael: All yours for no money down, no installments, you just pay for it!

(TMNT 1987 logo appears.)

Singers: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

NC: We're out of ideas!

(Caption appears below the logo)

HBO Feature Presentation Bumper
(TV static transition to:  HBO 1982 Feature Presentation Bumper )

NC (vo): Oh my god! This may be the greatest bumper for anything ever!

NC: Ok, so you're about to watch something on HBO. What do you usually see before it starts?

(Current HBO Entertainment bumper, the short static "Aaaahhhh", plays.)

NC (unimpressed): Fucking riveting. You wanna see what they had back in the 80s?

(The 80s bumper begins to fly over a cityscape as the music begins to build.)

NC: What whimsical whimsy of wonderment is this?

(The bumper continues to fly over the city.)

NC: By god! It feels like I'm flying!... Over a model of Micro Machines but still flying!

NC (vo): The music just keeps getting bigger and bigger! What magical realm are we being transported to?

(The bumper finally starts to fly into outer space as the music builds to a crescendo.)

NC: Yes? YES?

(A starburst in space and the HBO logo appears with the Feature Presentation theme playing at a full orchestra.)

NC: HBO, of course!!!

NC (vo): Nowhere else will you find ingenious entertainment mixed in with pointless boob shots!

NC: But wait a minute. Could there be something even more magical in the "O"?

(On cue, as the HBO logo rotates in front of the screen, multiple colorful streak begin to rotate around the "O". As the camera moves inside the "O", the Critic is taken aback in wonderment. A shot inside the "O" sees more of these colorful streaks. Cut to a quick shot of David Bowman going through the stargate in "2001: A Space Odyssey". Finally, the words "HBO Feature Presentation" form from the streaks of color.)

NC: Fucking amazing! I mean, fucking amazing!!! What would you rather watch before seeing anything? This?

(Current HBO Entertainment bumper plays)

NC (vo): We're incredible, I guess. Ahhhhhhh....

NC: ... Or flying like fucking Peter Pan through a Godzilla model of wonder? HBO? You gotta bring this back. I don't care if you have to throw in Tyrion Lannister or something, just for god's sakes bring this back! Even if the movie you're watching is goddamn Jack and Jill... it'll be a little bit better with that intro.

(We see the final form-up of the logo one more time. As the "HBO Feature Presentation" caption appears, a picture of Tyrion Lannister pops up on the screen.)

Tyrion (NC vo): Yeees.

Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise"
(TV static transition to: Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise" commercial)

Girl background singers: Diaper Surprise!

NC: Heh?

Girl background singers: (To the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel") ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, feed your babies water, press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Uhh... I don't think that's how that works.

Background girl: Look! A magic charm!

NC (vo): Was this like the missing line that Rocky's coach (a picture of Mick appears) used to say?

NC (as Mick): Ya gotta drink water and crap me yummy-wummy delicious charm bracelets!

Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, stars and hearts and flowers, look inside, which charm did you get? Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Eew...

Blue-haired girl: Charming!

NC: Listen...girls in wigs...I just think you're kinda giving kids the wrong idea.

NC (vo): I mean, what if a parent is like...

(The critic is holding a blanket in the shape of a baby. The screaming baby from one of the eSults can be heard.)

NC (in dad's voice): Uh-oh. Somebody needs their diaper changed.

NC (in mom's voice): No, no! Let me! I've been waiting for this for so long!

(He puts a diaper in front of his face.)

NC: (wearily) Kill me...

Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy ♫

NC (vo): No. Just--just no.

Girl background singers: ♫ Press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫

NC: Just no!

Polly Pocket
(TV static transition to:  Polly Pocket commercial)

Polly Pocket: ♫ I'm Polly Pocket! Wanna see what's new? ♫

NC (vo): Polly Pocket. Wasn't this ingenious? It's a tiny girl who lives in a world that's also a compact. Good Jesus, that's like the ultimate combination of girls' toys! It's dolls, dollhouses, and make-up all rolled into one! It's the ultimate trifecta!

NC: You'll be vomiting pink for a week!

Singers: ♫ Polly Pocket has fuzzy pets, it's true! ♫

NC (vo): Nothing really wrong with these now that I'm looking back at them growing up, but being a boy back then, I of course hated watching these commercials. I mean, they're just so girly! What do you even do? You open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around?

NC: Bor-freaking-ing. Now boys, we, of course, had alot better shit. Like...

Mighty Max
(TV static transition to: Mighty Max commercial)

Singers: ♫ Mighty Max! Mighty Max! ♫

NC: Hell yeah! This was completely different, and so much better!

NC (vo): You open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around!

NC: A million times more advanced than Polly "Pissing" Pocket!

NC (vo): Just look at how into it this kid is getting! He's a little fucking psycho!

(We see a boy playing with the Frankenstein playset.)

Boy: Me want brain!/Woah! Watch out for that first step. Ahhhh/It's over, Mighty Max!

Announcer: Will Mighty Max get fried? His fate is in your hands!

NC (vo as the boy): Now where's that butterfly whose wings I was gonna pull off? Muahahaha!

Announcer: Each sold separately. Mighty Max figure included. From Mattel!

NC: But hell, that wasn't the end of it. We had other super masculine toys back then. Like...

Creepy Crawlers
(TV static transition to: Creepy Crawlers commercial)

Background singers: ♫ Cree-ee-eepy Crawlers ♫

NC (vo): Hell yeah! Here we go!

Announcer: It's the Creepy Crawler oven!

NC: Oh well, if it's just an oven, I don't know....

Boy #1: The Creepy Crawler SUPER Oven!

NC: WHAAAAAAAAA!?!?

NC (vo): Yes, before everything was EX-TREME, everything was SU-PER! (Text appears for both words, with pictures of the Super Soaker and the Super Nintendo for the latter.) But they meant totally different things, so don't you forget it.

Boy #2: And now you can make your own Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers! (He pulls out a small wax figurine of the original MMPR era Black & Red Rangers.) Cool!

NC: Uh, to be fair, they look (voiceover) less like Power Rangers and more like skinless human beings... who got White-Out spilled on them. (back to the couch) But it did capture their non-existent personalities pretty good.

Boy #2: It makes super-sized bugs super fast!

Boy #1: That's why they call it the SUPER oven!

NC: Yeah! Now THAT'S how you do a boy's toy! There isn't any girls toy out there that's even remotely close...

Easy-Bake Oven
(TV static transition to: Easy-Bake Oven commercial)

Female Announcer: Announcing the new Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center! Making even MORE treats for you!

(The Critic looks horribly confused.)

NC: ...Well, our version was better! We couldn't eat ours! And live! (A beat as he begins to realize something) You know, I'm beginning to think that boys' toys were just girls' toys painted a different color and given less options... I feel so used.

Female Announcer: The new Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center comes with everything you see here! Light bulb not included.

(A picture of the Creepy Crawlers box appears beside the Easy-Bake oven.)

NC (vo): HOW COULD I NOT SEE THIS?!?

Campbell's Soup Snowman
(TV static transition to: Campbell's Soup Snowman commercial)

NC (vo): Ah, yes. Can't forget this one around the holidays. A little snowman comes in and gets warmed up to a bowl of Campbell's Soup. Only to reveal that it was just a little boy the whole time.

(As the snowman eats the soup, the snow melts and the boy is revealed underneath.)

Announcer: Nothing melts away the cold like a delicious, hot bowl of Campbell's Soup.

NC (vo): A cute concept and all, but my biggest question is who the fuck left their kid outside so long that he would become a snowman? That's just horrible parenting! In any other world, I don't think this would fly over so smoothly.

(Cut to a skit where a smiling father (Doug) opens the front door of his house on a cold, snowy day.)

Father: Alright, kiddo! I think that's enough playing outside. Time to come on in.

(The kid (Tamara) is frozen solid, holding the Trip-It toy from earlier.)

Father: Need a little help there? Okay.

(He brings her inside. The kid is still stiffer than Anna as an ice statue, and it appears that unlike Anna, no Disney-style warm hug from Elsa or act of true love will help this girl.)

Father: Oh ho ho, well you were having a lot of fun out there, weren't you? (silence) Indeed, but now it's time to stop playing with your toys, so... (He tries to grab the Trip-It.) No, no, come on, honey. Come on. Come on! (He snaps off one of her gloves, taking her hand along with it.) Oh ho ho, somebody's growing up. (He puts the toy and the hand down.) Okay, well, why don't I make you a bowl of your favorite Campbell's Soup? (The other glove snaps off on its own.) I'll take that as a yes. (He picks her up. Cut to the dinner table.) There you go, honey. A bowl of your favorite... (The kid falls over, face first, into the bowl of soup.) ...Oh, Christ. (He lifts her back up for a quick moment, and then lets her head drop back into the bowl. Without another moments notice, he runs away, leaving the kid face down in soup. Back to the commercial...)

NC (vo): Well, it's still classic in many people's eyes, and I think it's gonna be for a while longer. Just... don't try it at home.

Singer: ♫ Let it snow, let it snow. ♫

(The commercial ends with the tagline "Never Underestimate the Power of Soup".)

Announcer: Campbell's.

The "Lazy" Commercial
(TV static transition to: The NC)

NC: Those are good and all, but every once in a while you'll come across a commercial that's so ridiculous and so stupid, you swear they're not even trying. Like this one!

(Smash cut to the commercial break...)

(...and smash cut back to the Critic.)

NC: (shakes his head) That was just lazy.

Sunny Delight
(TV static transition to:  Sunny Delight commercial)

Kid #1: (hitting paddle ball on the beach) Me me me me! Here it goes!

(A mother takes out a jug of Sunny Delight from the groceries.)

NC (vo): Here you go! Everyone's seen this classic before.

Kid #2: (as he and the rest of the kids return home) What's to drink?

Kid #1: (opening refrigerator) Let's see. We got soda, OJ, purple stuff.

Kid #3: Sunny D! Alright!

Kid #1: Yeah!

NC (vo): Of course. It was always Sunny D. Which is good, seeing how the mother always buys a fucking one-ton of them. How many varying sizes of that shit do you need?

Kid #4: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...and two kinds of Sunny D!

Kid #5: Alright!

NC (vo): The weird thing about it is not that in every commercial they always picked the Sunny D. That's kind of a no-brainer. The weird thing is that in every single commercial, they push aside the exact same drinks in precisely the exact same order.

Kid #1: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...

Kid #6: Got some soda, OJ, purple stuff...

Kid #4: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...

Kid #7: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...

Kid #8: We've got soda, OJ, purple stuff...

Kid #9: We got OJ, cola, some purple stuff...

NC: What the hell is this?

NC: How can so many homes have the exact same thing and so many kids dismiss them in the exact same lineup?

Kid #1: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...

NC: Maybe it's like... a code. Like, if we hear it enough times, we'll figure out it was the missing combination to like the Stargate or something.

Laser Tag Rocky
(TV static transition to:  Laser Tag Rocky commercial)

Lazer Pro 9000
(TV static transition to: Lazer Pro 9000 commercial)

NC (vo): Actually, believe it or mot, this one possibly could. This was an add for Lazer Pro 9000.

Announcer: It was a typical summer day. Three kids in such a "fun"...

NC (vo): And of course, by "kids", we naturally mean 30 year olds going through some quarterlife crisis.

Customer #1: You lookin' for somethin'?

Kid #1: A "coke"(?)!

(All of a sudden, one of the customers has a Lazer Pro gun replacing his three Coca-Cola cans.)

NC (vo): Wait a minute! So there two commercials going on here? There's actually a product placement in the product placement.

Customer #1: You lookin' for somethin'?

Kid #1: A "coke"(?)!

NC (vo): And the rest of the commercial isn't tied to Coke in any way. It's not like Coke presents Lazer Pro 9000. It's just kind of a strange out-of-nowhere bit of name dropping, which is ironic seeing how they didn't exactly say the name very well.

Kid #1: A "coke"(?)!

NC: A COKE!

Kid #1: A "coke"(?)!

NC: I always TALK like I'm on a trampoLINE!

Customer #1: You got a "vussle"(?)?

Kid #1: Now I do! GO!

NC (vo as one of the kids): We will fight for our six-pack of artificial flavors and freedom!

(And the battle begins.)

NC (vo): So, I'm not gonna lie; I'm just assuming this future takes place in the same one that Crossfire does--a future focused on the revolution of a plastic triggered uprising--it's gonna change the world!

Summer's Eve "Freshness"
(TV static transitions to: Summer's Eve "Freshness" )

Girl: Mom can I ask you something real personal?

Mom:Hmmm

Girl: Do you douche?

NC: (stifling a laugh) What?

Girl: Do you douche?

NC: (stifling a laugh) I'm sorry, I know that's unbelievably immature, but this is coming from a time period when women's commercials didn't talk about...women's things. They always used kind of this code word known as "fresh".

Girl #2: Do you ever feel not so fresh?

Girl #3: Sometimes, I just don't feel fresh

Girl #4: My best friend told me it's a real fresh feeling

Lady: Feeling fresh is like a gentle breeze

Girl #5: It's natural to want to feel fresh

NC (voiceover): But then every once in awhile, you just get a commercial that jumps straight to the point like....

(Cut to a black screen with the words "Why douche?" written on chalk)

Announcer: Why douche?

(NC tries not to laugh)

Girl #6: You can't buy douche any more effectively.

Nintendo
(TV static transition to: Australian Nintendo commercial)

NC (vo): Hey! Nintendo! The greatest family friendly system ever!

NC: God, I remember when they used to make it look like it could make (vo) your house soar!

(Cut to clip of What's it Like? Commercial where the house blasts off.)

NC: Or it could blast (vo) you out of your seat!

(Cut to Nintendo Wireless Controller commercial where the wrestlers arms shoot out of the TV and the kid jumps back.)

NC: Or it could open up a world (vo) of imagination you never thought possible!

(Cut to Iron Sword Commercial where Koros the barbarian enters what looks like a world of danger.)

NC: God, I adored those whimsical commercials.... so go ahead! Show us what's in store for this one!

(Cut to the Australian commercial, as we see the blocky man looking through the screen with a sort of air of menace.)

Blocky Man: WE ARE NINTENDO.

(Cut to Critic looking shocked.)

Blocky Man: ULTIMATE TV GAME SYSTEM.

NC: (Visibly shaken up) Who're you...?

Blocky Man: WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS.

NC: (Still scared stiff) You don't look friendly...

(Cut to the Zapper scene, where the kid is playing Duck Hunt.)

Blocky Man (vo): YOU CANNOT BEAT US. AIM YOUR ZAPPER GUN.

(Then rising from the bottom of the screen is the Duck Hunt Dog with a scowling look in his eyes. NC leaps back!)

Duck Hunt Dog: YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

NC: Duck Hunt Dog, why are you so scary now...?

(Cut to the ROB scene, where the kid is playing Gyromite.)

Blocky Man (vo): EVEN WITH YOUR... ROBOT... PARTNER...

(As the Blocky Man speaks, a Smick creeps in from the left side of the screen. NC again is shocked at the sudden appearance!)

Smick: YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(Cut to see the kid now playing Mario, and him getting hit by a Lakitu's spiny bombardment.)

Blocky Man (vo): SCORE ONE MILLION.

(And lowering from the top is a Lakitu... I think, and the cloud speaks.)

Cloud: YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(NC is now even MORE afraid of these suddenly menacing Nintendo creatures.)

NC: Can I play some Mario no--

(But he's interrupted by the Blocky man speaking, and his eyes widen, as we cut to the scene where the kid is playing Mario and facing off against Bowser.)

Blocky Man (vo): DISCOVER NEW WORLDS.

(And appearing from the right is a Bowser like creature with a 2.5D head! NC Leaps in surprise!)

Bowser: YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(NC is now almost to the point of wetting himself....)

NC: Are you stealing my soul while I watch you?

(We then cut to a montage of the DHD, the Smick and the Cloud all saying that frightening tagline, "You cannot beat us." We then finally see Blocky Man with all four of the monstrosities! As they speak in unison, we zoom in on the fear filled and getting more fearful face of NC.)

Nintendemons: WE ARE NINTENDO, WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(Cut to the end, with the Nintendo Logo and the tagline. NC, with a terrified look on his face, then quickly gets up, and walks to the nearest bathroom, and closes the door. Then with a scream of the greatest fear he's had since the Arnold-Baby of Junior, he releases his bowels! NC has been literally scared shitless! He then walks out, and sits back down, the look of fear still frozen on his face. He then motions for the commercial to continue.)

Nintendemons: WE ARE NINTENDO, WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS.

(NC then gets up again for another quick trip to the toilet.)

Nintendemons: YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(And once again, NC voids his bowels, screaming!)

Apple "1984" Mac Ad
(TV static transition to: 1984 Macintosh commercial)

Big Brother:

NC (vo): Yes. Apple will save us from the terrifying 1984-style future, for as we can clearly see today, no longer are people lined up like cattle for hours and hours on end (photo of a large crowd lined up outside an Apple Store awaiting the release of the latest iPhone model), no longer will people dress alike in cold colorless environments (pictures of Apple Store employees all wearing identical blue shirts, as well as the bland white walls of an Apple Store), no longer will any cultish-style groups gather together to honor a grand controversial leader (pictures of: 1) people wearing iPhone hats, 2) a man with the Apple logo shaved into the back of his head, and 3) Steve Jobs), and most importantly, no longer will we be brain-dead, lifeless zombies who plug ourselves into the machine of life we can also call "The System" (pictures of people in public and on trains listening to music or texting on their smartphones).

NC: Thank you, Apple. You have done well.

(An evil looking version of the Apple Logo comes in from the left as the Critic performs a sinister Kubrick Stare and appropriate music plays.)

'''Evil Apple Logo: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!! YOU CANNOT BEAT US!!'''

Canada Puppet PSA
(TV Static transitions to the Canada Puppet PSA )

(The Concerned Children's Advertisers logo appears.)

Announcer: A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers.

NC: Oh thank God, another Canadian commercial! They'll calm us down from all this "open your mouth, close your eyes" controversy.

Announcer: Why do you think your mommy or daddy are always telling you, "Don't put that in your mouth?"

(Two light blue fuzzy puppets appear on screen. One is clearly a boy and the other is clearly a girl.)

NC: God damn it, Canada!

Boy Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫

Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫

(NC takes off his glasses and buries his hands in his face.)

Boy Puppet: ♫ Don't stuff it in your face ♫

Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't stuff it in your face ♫

Boy Puppet: ♫ Though it might look good to eat ♫

Girl Puppet: ♫ Though it might look good to eat ♫

(NC hits the side of his head with his fist in frustration.)

Boy Puppet: ♫ And it might look good to taste ♫

Girl Puppet: ♫ And it might look good to taste ♫

Both Puppets: ♫ You could get sick! Ick! ♫

(I don't know how to describe the expression on NC's face.)

Both Puppets: ♫ Reeaaal quick! Ick! ♫

NC: Really? You're looking for a word to rhyme with "sick", and that's the best one you can come up with in this scenario???

Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth. ♫

Boy Puppet: Uh uh.

Girl Puppet: ♫ Till you ask-- ♫

NC (vo): God, do they have to look so possessed while singing it too? It just doesn't add to the overall feel of the experience!

(The Boy and Girl Puppets are joined by other puppets.)

All Puppets: ♫ If you don't know what it is, don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick! ♫

NC: (looking annoyed) Just play it, you all know it's coming.

(A scene from the commercials about rape plays.)

Grandma: It's a rape whistle.

(Back to the NC)

NC: Canada!

NC (vo): Canada: I make fun of you because you have nothing else to make fun of.

All Puppets: ♫ Don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick! ♫

Lion Puppet: Always ask someone you love before you put anything in your mouth.

NC: Except if that something in your mouth is the person that you love.

(The audience starts booing.)

NC: (shouting over the boos) Thank-you for watching my commercials special. Tune in next time where I hope to lose even more of you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and remember...

(NC plays the audio from the commercial, waves his finger, and does a small dance as he gets up to leave.)

Channel Awesome Tagline—

Ha! Rookie.