Atop the Fourth Wall: The Movie, Part 1

Opening credits

Insert AT4W theme lyrics here

---

Linkara’s old apartment. There is a knock on the door. Linkara answers. It’s Allen.

ALLEN

Good afternoon, Mr. Linkara. My name is Allen Park. I’m with the United States government.

Linkara slams the door on him. Allen sighs and knocks again.

ALLEN

(chuckles) Would you believe that’s not the first time that’s happened?

LINKARA

(smiles) Won’t be the last time, either. (angry face) Now go away!

He starts to slam the door again.

ALLEN

I’m here to talk to you about your spaceship.

Linkara reluctantly opens the door.

LINKARA

How do you know about that?

ALLEN

Well, our first clue was when it came into orbit. Now, may I come in?

Linkara sighs and lets him into the apartment.

ALLEN

Thank you. So, I hear your fans are voting on what to name the craft.

Linkara shuts the door.

LINKARA

Yeah. They’re going for Vigilant, though I think I’m gonna go with Comicron instead.

ALLEN

Defying what the people voted for. (tsk) Never a good idea.

LINKARA

Yeah, but it’s not their ship, now is it?

ALLEN

Then why did you put it up to a vote to begin with?

LINKARA

(sighs) Is there a reason you’re here?! I mean, I figured the government was gonna come around eventually when they found out I had a spaceship, but I thought it was so they could put a bullet in my head and then take it!

As he talks, Linkara moves to the front of a closed window.

ALLEN

Speaking of popular votes, that is what all of the top brass wanted to do to you.

LINKARA

You’re here to kill me.

ALLEN

No, no! Not at all. See, I said that’s what they wanted to do with you. However, a low-ranking agent spoke up in your defense; said we could trust you with it.

Allen sits on the couch.

LINKARA

Who spoke up in my defense?

Allen adjusts his tie and smiles.

LINKARA

Oh. Why? I don’t think I’ve ever met you before.

ALLEN

You haven’t. But I actually did something they didn’t do.

LINKARA

What’s that?

ALLEN

I watched your show, Linkara.

LINKARA

You watched my show and you didn’t wanna shoot me?

ALLEN

You’re not dangerous. I don’t think you’re a threat to this country, or anyone, for that matter. You’re a guy who reviews comic books on the Internet and fights robots and monsters. Personally, I think it’s better to be on your good side. So I’m here to offer an alternate solution - and I highly recommend you take it.

Linkara folds his arms.

LINKARA

I’m not handing over the ship.

ALLEN

(chuckles) Oh, I didn’t think you would. But here’s how this is going to work: you stay out of our way, and we’ll stay out of yours.

LINKARA

That’s it?

ALLEN

That’s it. Don’t use it for military affairs in a foreign country, don’t try to bring it down on us because a bill passed that you don’t like, and don’t try to threaten us with it. You stay out of our way, we’ll stay out of yours.

LINKARA

And if I refuse?

Allen stands up.

ALLEN

And if you refuse…then there’s a sharpshooter less than a hundred yards away with that bullet you mentioned.

Linkara looks out the window.

LINKARA

(sighs) Fine. I accept.

ALLEN

Splendid. I’m going to act as your liaison with the government. Here’s my card.

Allen hands Linkara the card, which he gives a quick look.

ALLEN

We’d like to have monthly progress reports from you. You’ve run into some individuals who pose a threat to this world, and we wouldn’t mind taking that information off your hands, before and after your confrontations.

LINKARA

Okay, whatever. You know the way out.

Allen nods and heads out. He stops in front of the door.

ALLEN

Look, you’re understandably unhappy. I get that. But I wanna be your friend. I think you’re a good person, and that we can trust you. I’m gonna try to appeal to the government to give you a little more leeway and a few less snipers outside your window.

LINKARA

I appreciate that, sir. I appreciate all you’ve done. But I can assure you that we are never going to be friends.

---

A local bar. Linkara and Allen are sitting next to each other and drinking. Linkara is obviously drunk.

Captain: FOUR YEARS LATER

LINKARA

You are the best friend ever!

ALLEN

Linkara, I said I would try to get you the chair, not that I would.

LINKARA

You will get me the chair, because you are the best friend ever who gets me the best gifts ever!

Linkara pats Allen on the shoulder.

ALLEN

Linkara, I got you a comic book last year.

LINKARA

And it was a good comic book! And in my line of work, I take what kinda good comics I can get. Now then! Why are you not drinking alcohol right now? It is my birthday tomorrow, and we are supposed to be celebrating!

ALLEN

Would that I could, Linkara, but I have to monitor the Caelestis’ communications with Earth tomorrow, and I cannot be hungover for that.

LINKARA

Why do you wanna go to Jupiter? You know what’s in Jupiter? Nothin’! Just broken chunks of a house that I blew up! Did I ever tell you about the time I saved the day by blowing up a house in space?

ALLEN

(chuckles) Yes, you did. Several times, in fact. You also said that I don’t owe you any more presents after I got the snipers recalled.

LINKARA

They did that because I saved the world from the Entity! Me! Because I’m awesome!

Linkara slams his glass on the table.

ALLEN

You’re also drunk.

LINKARA

I am drunk, because I am awesome!

Allen stands up.

ALLEN

All right. I’m taking you home.

Linkara struggles to stand upright.

LINKARA

(chuckles) You are not taking me home. You are going to drink with me, and tomorrow, we are gonna watch bad movies together. Screw Jupiter!

Linkara nearly falls over. Allen holds him steady.

ALLEN

Linkara, you are drunk. I am taking you home.

LINKARA

No no no no! I am taking you home, because I can teleport! NIMUE, beam us back to the apartment!

They both dissolve from the scene.

---

Both characters reappear outside Linkara’s current apartment. Linkara almost falls over again.

ALLEN

Wha… (sighs) What about all that whiskey you just took a swim in?

LINKARA

(chuckles) It’s okay, they owe me there. I always buy up half their supply when I’m reviewing Marville.

Allen shakes his head.

ALLEN

All right. Well, come on, birthday boy. Let’s get you to bed, okay?

Allen helps him walk across the hallway.

LINKARA

Okay.

ALLEN

Okay.

LINKARA

Hey, Allen?

ALLEN

Yeah?

LINKARA

Thank you for getting the snipers recalled.

ALLEN

(chuckles) No problem, Linkara. You sleep well, birthday boy.

---

Linkara’s apartment. Linkara is in bed asleep, his hat on crooked.

LINKARA

Mm, Sinnamon…

---

Back to the hallway.

ALLEN

(yawns) Hey, NIMUE?

NIMUE (off-screen)

Confirmed.

ALLEN

Would you mind taking me back to the bar? I kind of left my car there.

NIMUE

Request accepted. Prepare for teleport.

ALLEN

Thank you, NIMUE.

Allen is teleported away.

---

Linkara’s apartment. Linkara shudders in his sleep, breathing heavily, evidently having a nightmare. Scenes of his past battles in grayscale flash by in rapid sequence. He awakes gasping for breath. In a few seconds he calms himself down and grasps his head exasperatedly.

LINKARA

Happy birthday to me…

He turns on the television. A report from the Global News Network is on. A picture of the Caelestis is shown.

LORI PRINC (Doug Walker)

…has indicated that he is in good spirits. Independent Space reports that the spaceship Caelestis will be approaching Jupiter today after an historic three month journey. Its speedy arrival is thanks to the development of the Mac Fail Drive, which drastically increases its speed. Development of the Mac Fail Drive was made possible thanks to the sale of advanced technology by former president N. Sano…

Dr. Insano’s picture is shown with the captain ‘Dr. N. Sano.’

LORI PRINC

…who created the unorthodox method of space travel.

Cut to an interview with Dr. Insano. Caption: ‘Recorded 4 Months Earlier’.

INSANO

I can’t believe you idiots actually bought this stuff! I mean…yeah, it worked, but who the hell wants their spaceship looking like Better Homes & Gardens? Whatever. Your hard-earned tax money’s now going into my pocket, where I will use it to genetically engineer crossbreeds of armadillos and tarantulas! (crazed laugh)

Linkara rolls his eyes and turns off the television. He gets out of bed and stops in the living room, hungover.

LINKARA

Ugh…

POLLO

And good morning to you, Linkara.

LINKARA

Well, it is morning, but the jury’s still out on ‘good.’

POLLO

I’m guessing, then, that wishing you a happy birthday will beget you a similar response. Bad night?

LINKARA

Yeah, a bit. But hey, it’s a new day and all that.

POLLO

A new day and a new review that needs to be put together. I’ve selected something suitably awful for you to work on, and I’ve put a pot of coffee on.

LINKARA

Thanks, man.

POLLO

I never said the coffee was for you.

They both look to see Eliza on the floor with a mug.

ELIZA

What?

LINKARA

Do you guys ever stop and ask yourselves, ‘how did I get here?’

ELIZA

I was created by your mad scientist as a Christmas present. I stick around because the coffee is good and you’re funny.

POLLO

And I got here because you originally built me to do the reviews. Instead, you’re my cash cow, since I get to be your producer.

LINKARA

I feel so loved right now.

POLLO

Ah, we’re just ribbin’ you, man. I made the coffee for both of you. Regardless of how you’re feeling, I think it’s going to be a great day. Drink up, film the review…then let’s watch some bad movies with your lovely blue friends.

LINKARA

Right, right, right, right…

Linkara sits on the couch, Thermos in hand.

LINKARA

Okay.

He types a bit on his laptop and looks at that week’s kindling - BloodGunn #1. He sighs, taking a sip of coffee and shaking his head. After looking at the first page, he brings out a flask of whiskey from his shirt pocket and drinks.

LINKARA

Yep… (huffs)

---

Later, Linkara is in position going over his script as Pollo prepares to film the review. They begin.

LINKARA

(clears throat) …Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And boy howdy, do we have a really bad one today! I am, of course, talking about…

He suddenly has a brief flashback to encoutering Vyce’s ship and freezes up. He gets up off the couch and leaves the room. ‘90s Kid is in the corner by the closet.

‘90s KID

Uh, dude, don’t we have to, like, film the episode?

LINKARA

No. I, um…I need to go take care of something. Stay there.

‘90s KID

It’s where I always am!

---

Linkara is at the bar again, forlorn.

BARTENDER (VIDEO GAME CONFESSIONS GUY)

Well, I’d ask you if you wanted me to leave the bottle, mate, but I don’t even think you finished that one drink so far.

LINKARA

I like to stare at it. It makes life seem much more dramatic when I do.

Linkara looks up.

LINKARA

Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like the Nostalgia Critic?

BARTENDER

About thirty times a day. Has anyone ever told you you look like Harvey Finevoice?

LINKARA

He’s like, fifty.

BARTENDER

Sure he is.

The bartender leaves. Linkara continues to stare at his shot. Allen arrives, just ending a phone call.

ALLEN

(sighs) All right, Linkara, I have ten minutes. Would you like to tell me why you pulled me away from monitoring the most important space flight in the last decade?

LINKARA

Well, you’re not the first people to go to Jupiter.

ALLEN

Well, we’re the first not to be backed by an evil organization, at the very least.

LINKARA

Oh, no! Just the US government! Nothing evil there.

ALLEN

(sighs) Linkara, I know you didn’t pull me down here again just to criticize the United States government.

LINKARA

(pause) It’s my birthday today, you know.

ALLEN

Yes. I’m aware. We were here last night celebrating. Were you so drunk that you forgot, or are you just upset that I’m not getting you that thing you wanted?

LINKARA

It would not be that hard to get me Captain Kirk’s chair, and you know it. But it’s not just that.

ALLEN

Then what the hell is it?!

LINKARA

(pause) Allen…why do you work for the government?

ALLEN

…What?

LINKARA

Why do you do what you do?

ALLEN

Because I’m a patriot, I guess…

LINKARA

Could you be a little more specific?

ALLEN

Because…because I believe in this country, and the ideals it stands for. Sure, it doesn’t always live up to those standards, but…I believe in helping out as many people as I can. Look, Linkara, what are we doing here?

LINKARA

What am I still doing here?!

ALLEN

You’re drunk again, aren’t you?

LINKARA

No, no, I’m not. It’s just…I’ve been thinking a lot lately about…my life, what I’ve seen, what I’ve done. And it just… I dunno! There’s just something naggin’ at the back of my head. Maybe I’m finally just realizing now how not normal my life is. For cryin’ out loud, I own a magic gun!

ALLEN

Where’d you purchase that, anyway?

Linkara glares at him.

ALLEN

Sorry.

LINKARA

Allen, what the hell am I doing with my life?

ALLEN

I’m…I’m not sure what you mean.

LINKARA

What do I have going for me that makes me wanna see my next birthday?

ALLEN

Well, you’ve got a lot of people who’d be sad to see you go. Me included.

LINKARA

You can’t just live for other people. That’s not living. You need something for yourself, Allen. What have I got going for myself?

ALLEN

Well…you have a good life. You have a family, you have friends, you have things that you enjoy, that you’re excited about.

Allen places a hand on his shoulder.

ALLEN

Look, you think your life isn’t that normal? Really, it’s all about dealing with hardships, and everybody has to deal with those. Frankly, I think life’s worth living for its own sake.

LINKARA

Hmm. Some days, I agree with you. Others… (sighs) I dunno. Maybe I called you out here for nothing. Maybe I’m just having an early midlife crisis. I’ve just…been thinking a lot about myself and my life, and…I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve been thinking about ending the show, because…I’m not certain why I’m still doin’ it.

ALLEN

Possibly. But you are appreciated, though - I can assure you of that. My superiors are certainly glad that you’re around.

LINKARA

Your superiors want the spaceship that I have in orbit with the big gun pointing down.

ALLEN

Yes, but they are much happier that you have it rather than someone else.

LINKARA

Sure they are…

ALLEN

You are moody today. Would Captain Kirk’s chair help?

LINKARA

…Maybe.

Allen stands up.

ALLEN

All right. Well, I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, go home. Watch movies with your friends. Watch the Caelestis reach Jupiter.

Allen makes his exit.

LINKARA

Uh-huh… If you guys find a monolith out there, I call dibs!

ALLEN

Mm-hm…

Linkara is startled as a man with a crazed stare, an eyepatch, and a curly yellow wig is now bartending.

LINKARA

What happened to the other guy?

BARTENDER 2

Other guy? There was no other guy! You’ve been drinkin’ all day! You’re seein’ things, mate! One minute, you come in, you’re talkin’ to no one, (devolves into gibberish). Boy, can I tell ya somethin’! At the end of the day, who cares, man? Who cares? You haven’t paid your bill yet, and that’s all I care about, so (gibberish)! Here…

He pulls up a fancy bottle.

BARTENDER 2

Make yourself useful. Tell me what you think. Celian.

Linkara gets up and backs away slowly.

BARTENDER 2

You’re not better than me!

---

The Caelestis is in the midst of its journey.

ROMERO

Houston, this is Caelestis. We have entered Jovian territory. Estimated arrival to Galilean moons is two hours and fourteen minutes. All lights are green. No sign of any problems. Sensor contact reports that the debris field is exactly where we thought it would be. Looking forward to hearing back from you in an hour or two. Caelestis out.

LOGAN

I still can’t believe this. (sighs) I mean…okay. A year of planning this trip, three months to get there, and then, right before we get there, it’s like, ‘Hey, can you deviate from your flight plan and check out this debris field that’s left over from some madman that tried to take over the world?’

ROMERO

Steady on, Logan. We knew this was a possibility.

LOGAN

Yeah, but they didn’t need to wait ‘til the last minute to tell us. I mean, if just one of those pieces of debris hits us…

ROMERO

It won’t! We’ll be moving in parallel to the dispersal pattern, and we’ll be matching the velocity of the debris.

LOGAN

(sighs)

ROMERO

Plus we have automatic sealants to take care of any pinpricks in this baby’s haul.

LOGAN

I wish I shared your confidence.

ANDREWS

Don’t worry about it, man. We’re not gonna find anything out here. The death bomb was…

LOGAN

The death bomb! The death… They seriously called it that?!

ANDERS

The death bomb was practically vaporized. It’s all just junk floating out in…

LOGAN

Yeah, if one of those pieces of junk punctures of hull…

ROMERO

I think somebody is cranky this morning. I think somebody needs to sit in the comfy chair!

Logan and Evelyn stare at each other. Logan relents and sits in the chair.

LOGAN

This’ll never not be weird.

ANDERS

We’ve been out here for three months, and only now do you decide to comment on that?

LOGAN

We’re sitting in a living room!

ANDERS

We are sitting in a state-of-the-art spacecraft, and we are ready to make history! Now, I don’t care if it happens in a shower stall or a La-Z Boy, as long as it gets us there and gets us home! Now put on your grown-up astronaut pants and give me a readout on engine consumption!

LOGAN

(huffs) Sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh…energy consumption’s nominal. Look, I’m just saying that the universe is a strange, strange place.

ANDERS

Yet better strange than boring. Okay, we’re coming up on the debris field now. Not seeing anything on initial navigation… We should be smooth sailing.

ROMERO

I would not be so quick with that assessment, Anders.

ANDERS

Why is that?

ROMERO

I’m detecting a power source out there.

A light on the control board blinks. (note: the label below this light reads 'blinkenlichten', or 'blinking light')

ANDERS

How can anything still have power out there? It’s been floating in space for a few years now.

ROMERO

Uh…well, let’s find out. It’s a small object; it’s a foot, foot and a half long; and the power is very faint. Logan, do you think it’s small enough to bring on board?

LOGAN

Yes, but at the highest possible quarantine until we can identify. And then keep your finger on the button so you can flash it into space at a moment’s notice.

ROMERO

Agreed. Anders, maneuver us closer on standard fuel and prepare the grapple arm.

The ship heads further into the debris field.

---

A rented space? Nash arrives at the door.

NASH

Hey, Linkara. Happy birthday.

LINKARA

Hey, dude. Where’s Calluna? I thought she was coming with you.

NASH

Yeah, she was, but there was some kind of emergency with the Nostalgia Critic. They called in a whole bunch of people to deal with it.

---

Cut to Nostalgia Critic’s studio. Critic is rocking back and forth crying into a pillow.

CALLUNA

For the love of God, Critic, why did you watch Garbage Pail Kids again?! What were you thinking?!

CRITIC

I don’t know! I thought it would get better with age!

BENNETT THE SAGE

Critic, open the door before you are permanently traumatized!

CRITIC

I don’t know what happiness is anymore! Joy is a lie! A lie!

---

Linkara answers his cellphone. Nash sits at the counter, where Lupa and MarzGurl are serving snacks.

NASH

Hey, so what’s on the agenda for the evening?

LUPA

A little brandy, talk of sophistication, and a treatise on Satra vs. Spinosa.

NASH

…Birdemic?

LUPA

Mm-hm! And The Amazing Bulk! You will laugh. You will cry. You will poop your pants.

MARZGURL

Probably not a good idea to do that on somebody else’s couch.

LINKARA

Are you sure you don’t wanna come, Harvey? You’re perfectly welcome to.

Harvey is on Comicron.

HARVEY

Nah, someone’s gotta stick around here and make sure this new reefer doesn’t blow the ship up when you screw in a lightbulb. Besides, I’m not really good with crowds unless I’m the center of attention.

LINKARA

All right, but tell ‘90s Kid that if he’s not gonna watch movies with us to go up there and keep you company.

HARVEY

Oh…good. The idiot’ll keep me company. Ain’t that bat city.

LINKARA

Well, it’s either ‘90s Kid or the Mats.

A Cybermat passes by on the ship floor.

HARVEY

Point taken. Enjoy your flicks, kid. I’m out.

LINKARA

I’ll try to. Bye.

Linkara hangs up and watches his guests make conversation.

---

Screams are heard from the Caelestis.

---

Allen is in his office, stressed.

EMPLOYEE (DADKARA)

Sir?

ALLEN

Is there any word?

EMPLOYEE

No, sir.

ALLEN

We were supposed to hear back from them over an hour ago. Are we still receiving a signal from the ship?

EMPLOYEE

Yes, sir. It’s delayed, of course, but we’re still getting readings on the ship and the crew.

ALLEN

Am I to call, DC?

EMPLOYEE

For now, it’s at your discretion if you’d like to bring him in.

ALLEN

Contact some observatories. Give them the coordinates. See if we can’t get a better picture of what’s going on out there. If we haven’t heard back in a couple hours...I’ll make the call.

EMPLOYEE

Yes, sir.

Employee leaves the office. Allen looks at a printout of the AT4W logo pinned to his bulletin board.

---

Linkara, Lupa, MarzGurl, Nash, Angry Joe, and Cinema Snob are huddled around the TV watching The Incredible Bulk.

LINKARA

Well…that was somethin’.

LUPA

I know, right? It’s glorious!

SNOB

That thing looks like the Grimace if he stuck steroids up his ass.

JOE

I’m gonna be down to a 24-pack of beer!

LUPA

And it’s awesome!

POLLO

As a floating blue robot made from a water heater, I can safely say that was the most unrealistic thing I’ve ever seen.

LINKARA

Well, it was amazing, so at least it did live up to its title.

SNOB

Welp, time for my movie selection!

LINKARA

It’s not gonna be Caligula again, is it? I’m almost thirty, and I still felt like I needed an adult after that.

SNOB

No, no, no, no. I learned my lesson after that one. It’s gonna be Salo.

NASH

(whimpers)

There’s a knock on the door.

LINKARA

Finally, the pizza’s here!

MARZGURL

Didn’t we order that before we started watching The Amazing Bulk?

SNOB

(chuckles) Just as well. You’re definitely gonna want some food while watching Salo.

LINKARA

Well, at least cold pizza is better than no pizza.

He gets up to answer the door.

NASH

You only say that because you have no taste buds.

Allen’s at the door.

LINKARA

You’re not pizza.

ALLEN

I’m saucier than pizza. We need to talk. May I come in?

Allen slaps photographs of the Caelestis crew onto the counter.

LINKARA

When was the last time you made contact with them?

ALLEN

Going on six hours now. Telescopes and biological readings tell us that they’re out there, but for whatever reason, they’re just not answering.

JOE

Couldn’t their communications just be out?

ALLEN

Yeah, well, we thought of that, but the Caelestis is equipped with two backup communication stations that they’re supposed to use should the first one go out. It is possible that all three are out, but highly unlikely, considering one of them is on a system completely separate from the ship’s main power.

LINKARA

Do we even know if they’re still alive?

ALLEN

We’re tracking the astronauts’ vitals. I mean, it’s delayed, of course, but all things considered, they should’ve checked in by now, and they seem to be perfectly healthy.

SNOB

Should we even be looking at this? This seems like classified top secret government document stuff.

LINKARA

Ah, wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like anyone here is gonna be tweeting this or something.

Lupa sheepishly hides her iPad behind her back before anyone notices. Tweet reads ‘Secret government documents lol #spacesuitsarecalledpoopysuits’

LINKARA

So what do you want me to do about it?

ALLEN

As far as I know, you’re the only person on Earth with a spaceship fast enough to get out there and see what’s going on.

LINKARA

Yes, Comicron-1 can be out there in a few hours, I guess.

ALLEN

Perfect! When do we leave?

LINKARA

(laughs) I didn’t invite you.

ALLEN

Linkara, the United States government has a large, vested interest in this project, and as a representative of said government, I’m coming with you.

LINKARA

Well, that’s nice, Allen. But I’m a little uncomfortable with an agent of the United States government stepping on board a ship that said government would like to take away from me.

ALLEN

Linkara, do you think for even a second, even if I wanted to take your ship from you, that I would have any idea how it works?

LINKARA

…Okay, fair enough point. I guess one more person isn’t gonna make a difference. Pollo, rev the…

NASH

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Who said anything about one more person? I wanna come on and help!

LINKARA

Wait, I don’t…

MARZGURL

Some astronauts up there are in trouble, and I don’t think any of us wanna see them hurt or killed.

LINKARA

Well, nobody does, but I…

JOE

Yeah, Linkara. Something bad may be going down out there. In that case, you’re gonna need a weapons expert.

LINKARA

I’ve used weapons before!

SNOB

And I’m drunk enough to think this is a good idea!

LINKARA

Guys! Look, I’m not against you guys comin’ along with me, but we don’t know what’s goin’ on up there! This could all be for nothing!

LUPA

Yeah, but the last time we went to space, it wasn’t exactly happy fun times. I’d like to go when we’re not actually being shot at.

NASH

I never get to go to space!

JOE

And plus, you’re not blackmailing us or threatening us or promising non-existent cars, so that’s a plus!

MARZGURL

Linkara, we’re your friends, and people need our help. Let us help you!

Linkara struggles to make a decision.

LINKARA

All right. Let’s all go into space.

ALL

Yeah! All right!

SNOB

And I’ll bring Salo so we can watch it along the way! (laughs)

---

The group teleports aboard Comicron-1.

JOE

Hmm, I see you’ve done some redecorating since I’ve last been here!

LINKARA

Yep. Everything used to be controlled by a single console, which is kind of problematic when the one console explodes in your face. NIMUE,what’s our status?

NIMUE

Standard orbit now in effect. Awaiting further instructions.

HARVEY

Kid! You didn’t tell me you were bringin’ company.

LINKARA

Harvey, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Harvey.

MARZGURL

Do you usually keep lounge singers on your spaceship?

LINKARA

Only at parties. I mean, something’s gotta entertain you guys on the trip there.

HARVEY

I usually fly the ship for the kid. I was just makin’ some adjustments before we got underway. (to Joe) You’re the guy who helped us take out Vyce that first time, aren’t ya?

JOE

That’s right! Name’s Joe. Nice to meet ya.

They shake hands.

LINKARA

Joe, I think you can handle the weapons. Harvey will show you the systems. Nash!

NASH

What now?

LINKARA

When they’re done, Harvey will bring you around to engineering. You know technical stuff. You should be able to handle it.

NASH

…I hit things. They get fixed.

LINKARA

Good for you! As for everyone else, here’s the rest of the bridge.

The remaining group follows him.

NASH

Hi, I’m…Nash.

HARVEY

I’m Harvey. I hate the hippie hair.

Handshake. Nash looks around.

NASH

…Sorry? Do Sinatra’s people know about this? I thought we weren’t doing the copyright infringement thing anymore.

HARVEY

(chuckles) I like you, Nash. You got spunk.

NASH

You’ve got a rude way of saying hello.

HARVEY

I find it’s a lot easier to find out who a person is by insultin’ ‘em than by just sayin’ hello. Anyway, here’s how the engines work.

Allen is on his cellphone.

LINKARA

And this is the science station! It does science. …I think. I don’t know, I haven’t tested this thing out yet.

The lights go out when he touches it.

MARZGURL

Or it’s the lightswitch.

‘90s KID

No, dudes! Just rerouting some power.

The lights turn back on. ‘90s Kid jumps into the scene.

‘90s KID

Had a gnarly idea about how I could redirect power from the sensors to the guns!

LINKARA

I believe you are all familiar with ‘90s Kid.

‘90s KID

I think most people are familiar with the most radical person on your show.

LINKARA

Okay, quick question. So how exactly are we supposed to shoot our enemies if we don’t have the sensors?

‘90s Kid starts to answer but can’t come up with anything.

‘90s KID

Okay, obviously there are still a few hiccups in my idea. No need to be buggin’.

LINKARA

We’ll save modifications for when we get back.

‘90s KID

Buzzkill.

Linkara walks away.

‘90s KID

Dude! You’re Obscurus Lupa!

LUPA

Yeah…?

‘90s KID

You reviewed Simon Sez!

LUPA

I repeat, yeah…?

‘90s KID

And you loved it!

LUPA

Well, yeah, I did... Actually, now that I’ve been reminded of that movie’s existence, that’s the movie we’re gonna be watchin’ on the way.

LINKARA

MarzGurl, you will be second in command. I need you to keep Allen from taking pictures of the ship.

ALLEN

Your trust in me never ceases to warm my heart, Linkara.

LINKARA

And punch anyone who says anything stupid.

MARZGURL

Punching hands ready!

LINKARA

Lupa, ‘90s Kid, you guys will be in charge of figuring out a plan about what to do in case…I dunno, aliens or something attack the Caelestis and we have to fight them.

‘90s Kid gives an enthusiastic thumbs up.

LUPA

Why me?!

LINKARA

Because you’re smart and you can probably kick my ass.

LUPA

Yeah, not probably.

LINKARA

Mm-hm. All right! Allen, how much do you know about the Caelestis mission?

ALLEN

Everything. I’m even well versed in the theories behind creating its engine.

LINKARA

You work the science station. Coordinate with NIMUE.

Allen complies. Linkara sits in the captain’s chair and uses the communicator.

LINKARA

Pollo, this the bridge. Before you get down there, what’s the status of the engines?

POLLO

Ready and waiting.

LINKARA

Good to hear. All right. Joe, set a course for the…

Snob sneaks up on him.

SNOB

Hey! What do you got for me, chief?

LINKARA

Cinema Snob. I, um…uh… You’re the comic relief.

SNOB

Can do, sugar tits! Hey, I’m hilarious! All right!

LINKARA

All right, everybody get comfortable. Joe, set a course for Jupiter, standard speed by one half until we’ve cleared orbit, and then punch it to standard by seven.

Linkara’s hand is trembling.

MARZGURL

Hey, are you okay?

LINKARA

What do you mean?

MARZGURL

Your hand’s shaking.

It stops.

LINKARA

Huh.

JOE

Course laid in.

LINKARA

All right. Take us out.

JOE

Right.

The ship lurches forward, sending everyone toppling over.

JOE

Whoa! Okay, note to self… (chuckles) this is inverted controls. Great.

MARZGURL

I think we’re gonna need a minute to learn how to fly this thing.

LINKARA

Okey dokey! Uh…NIMUE, why don’t ya scroll up some tutorial videos for us?

Video is brought up.

NIMUE

Tutorial system engaged. Step 1: Crash Avoidance.

LUPA

Ooh, and when that’s done, queue up Simon Sez.

NIMUE

Accessing database. Queueing film: Simon Sez, starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook.

LINKARA

NIMUE, cancel that order.

‘90s KID & LUPA

Aww!

---

The grappling arm on the Caelestis grabs a piece from the debris field.