The Master of Disguise

(NC Opening)

(We fade in from the intro to the NC at his desk, his head down and his hand covering his face in dispair.  He says nothing for several seconds.  He slowly moves his other hand to press a button on his desk that reveals a quote over his head.)

It never ended and it was only 80 minutes - Roger Ebert

(He pushes the button again)

An awful, stillborn comedy - Entertainment Weekly

(He pushes the button again)

If it was a free cable movie, I still wouldn't have recommended it - Richard Roper

(He pushes the button again)

The third worst comedy I have ever seen - Mike Nelson

(The last quote disappears as the critic notices it.  He pushes the button one more time to pull the last quote back up.  He shudders in fear.  A beat later, he addresses the viewers.)

NC:  To review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review. Because there is only so many times you can say 'That's not funny!'. And on top of that, only so much that a person like me could take. So... rather than look at this film as a comedy, I'm instead going to look at it as... cinematic suicide. A film that wants to die, and tries everything in its power to die. That way when I shove it up Dana Carvey's anal passage, I will feel no guilt whatsoever. With that said.... Master of Disguise.

(The movie's intro plays)

NC (vo):  I call this movie the crowning acheivement of failure from production company Happy Madison. This is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that despite someone like Sandler having many different talents, he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them. And thus, Happy Madison has wanted to help other comedians make money with no identifiable effort whatsoever, and because this has atom bombed career after career after career.

NC:  I don't know what they do! Maybe it's like one of those Harry Potter Ring-rate ripoffs that just come in and suck out all the funny out of you. And one of those often funny comedians that seem to suffer from Happy Madison's touch of death is Dana Carvey!

NC (vo):  This was an SNL castmember who had a great talent for impersonation and an all around upbeat feel to him. He even had a couple of hit movies with his friend Mike Myers in Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. But his rising star was having trouble finding a solar system to call its own and alot of his projects were starting to tank. And whatever measley speck of hope he had left was sodomized and buried when he wrote and starred in this fucking hunk of shit. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 1%. And according to what I hear, a lot of their statistics have a 1% margin of error.

NC:  That bad people!!! That bad!!! So, let's see why all of.... this (all the quotes from before appear again) is warrented. This is Master of Disguise. (beat)  Really? Just 1%? (The Rotten Tomatoes graphic appears with a 1% right next to it.  The Critic hides his head in his hand in fear)