Batman v Superman

(We start off today's episode on a rainy night as the Nostalgia Critic turns on the Joe Signal. He scans the skies before seeing Angry Joe hovering above him. Joe lands and the two square off against each other)

NC: You ready?

Joe: Yeah. Let's do this.

(We then cut to the office of Zack Snyder (played by Walter Banasiak) where he's at his computer. The door is heard opening as NC and Joe stare him down)

Zack: Ah, hey, guys. What's up?

(Joe cracks his knuckles loudly before we go to the NC2016 opening. After that, we cut to Joe and NC sitting at Zack's desk)

Zack: So, what do you think of our prequel to DC's Avengers Part 1? We accomplished what Marvel did in several movies with just one movie, with the exact same results.

NC: (gritting through his teeth) I'd rather we saw a good Batman v Superman movie.

Zack: What? I thought you liked it.

NC: No!

Joe: Kind of.

Zack: But you did like it?

NC: No.

Joe: Kinda!

Zack: Well, then, what's the problem?

Joe: People have been waiting years to see this team-up.

NC: Yeah, and the choices you made were just so...so...

Joe: DC!

(The logo for the movie is shown)

NC (vo): This is arguably the most anticipated comic book movie of all time, in that people have been waiting to see it before it was even announced. (Comics of Batman and Superman together are shown) There have been several comics where Batman and Superman have been together, (Clip from the Superman episode, "World's Finest") as well as cartoons. (Clips and posters of Batman 1989, Superman 1978, The Dark Knight, Superman Returns, Batman Forever and Man of Steel) But, despite so many Batman and Superman movies, there had never been one of them together. (Picture from Avengers: Age of Ultron) However, with the Marvel crossovers proving to be exceptionally successful, DC thought it was time to throw their hat into the ring, and use this as a means to start their own DC Cinematic Universe. Despite a very strong opening, its box office dropped a shocking 68% the following weekend. How bad is that? (Poster of) Batman & Robin 's second weekend had a 63%. Wow. That means more people went back to see that film rather than Batman vs. Superman. What the hell have you done, Zack?

Zack: All right, well, why don't you start from the beginning of the film?

Joe: All right!

(NC takes out the DVD for Batman Begins)

Zack: Wait a minute, you're just playing a few minutes from Batman Begins.

NC & Joe: Exactly!

(SPOILERS! jump onto the screen while doing the Batman 1963 horns. We then cut to Doug Walker and Tamara Chambers as Thomas and Martha Wayne being killed by Malcolm Ray while Tamara as a young Bruce Wayne cries out)

NC (vo): After seeing a flashback we've seen so much I'm surprised there's not action figures of it (The transition has a Dead Parents Action Set), we cut to yet another flashback of Bruce driving through Metropolis while it was being destroyed by Zod.

(Doug as Bruce Wayne is shown shooting a gun around while running to a phone as explosions go off as he gets a phone from his car)

Bruce: Hey, Business Associate, you have to get out of Metropolis.

(Malcolm is that Business Associate totally unaware of Zod's ship outside the window)

Malcolm: Why? (He looks outside and sees the ship blasting into Metropolis) Oh, wow, good thing you called me. I never would've looked out the window to notice that.

(That's when the building he's in explodes and his body lands in front of Bruce)

Bruce: I will avenge you, Man the Audience Barely Even Knows, as well as all the lives we're now acknowledging might be Superman's fault!

(The transition now has a sign of a sign that says "Metropolis Lives Matter" as we cut to Tamara in a bathtub)

Joe (vo): Flash forward a year later, as, thank God, Lois figures out Clark Kent is Superman, and they discuss their future together.

(Joe as Clark Kent is shown coming in with a bag of groceries)

Lois: Clark, I'm concerned. People have been shot to death in the desert and they're blaming you for...some...reason. Hey, Zack, what's that about?

Joe: Yeah, what's that about?

Zack: Well, if you can't see how they'd mistake Superman shooting people to death...

NC: Yeah, who do they think he is, Batman?

Zack: I don't think I have to explain the obvious. Besides, this leads to a very deep conversation.

Lois: I just don't know if what you are doing is right, or if it is right, it's just going to make things worse.

(She hears water splashing, and turns to see Clark, now standing in the bathtub)

Lois: You're standing in the bathtub.

Clark: I'm standing in the bathtub.

Lois: I feel like we were discussing some very important issues here.

Clark: But, I'm standing in the bathtub.

Lois: Yeah, good point.

(Clark takes off his jacket and bends down as the scene transitions, with a picture of Clark and Lois and the caption "Tub Rub", to Lex Luthor (played by Trevor Mueller))

NC (vo): But it looks like one of the people intimidated by Supers is Lex Luthor, played, remarkably without an apology, by Jesse Eisenberg.

(Luthor approaches a man, played by Malcolm Ray)

Luthor: Hey, Mr. Senator Man! Look what I got! (Points to a chunk of Kryptonite) A shiny green rock that can weaken Kryptonians! (Suddenly, Luthor is behind the Senator) I'll let you have it if you give me access to Zod's ship.

Senator: You seem completely unbalanced. Why would I give you access to any of that?

(Luthor runs back to face the Senator, and holds up a pack of Jolly Ranchers)

Luthor: Because I've got Jolly Ranchers!

Senator: Sold.

(Luthor shoves a Jolly Rancher into the Senator's mouth)

Luthor: Cherry!

Senator: Cherry.

Luthor: By the way, Wonder Woman's in this movie.

(Luthor and the Senator face the screen, as Wonder Woman, played by Tamara Chambers, walks by the scene)

Wonder Woman: Hello.

(Luthor pours the rest of the jolly ranchers on the senator)

Zack: Okay, so, what's the problem?

(Angry Joe is about to punch Snyder, until the Critic holds him back)

NC: First: Jesse Eisenberg. Second: if Superman took down military satellites trying to track him, why the hell didn't he take Zod's ship, a weapon from Krypton, away from them?

Angry Joe: Third: Jesse Eisenberg. Fourth: there's no reason for Luthor to hate Superman here. In the comics and movies, Superman foils his evil plans constantly. So it makes sense to try and kill him. But in this movie, if anything, Lex Luthor benefits from Superman as he said he has contracts to rebuild everything that was destroyed. His motivations are completely backward.

Zack: Well like everyone else, he's afraid of Superman's massive power and ability to destroy.

NC: (beat) He makes Doomsday later. That's like five Supermans with a fist for a brain.

Angry Joe: And what's that other thing? Oh, yeah. (simultaneous with NC) JESSE EISENBERG!

NC: (simultaneous with Angry Joe) JESSE EISENBERG!

Zack: Okay.

NC (vo): Whether you want to call him Lex Luthor Jr., or whatever, this is a beyond awkward performance.

Angry Joe (vo): Even at his corniness, Lex is a powerful, charming, diabolic mastermind. He always had a cool attitude, a business like mindset, and a suave calculating demeanor.

NC (vo): This guy is like Roger Rabbit if he was a supervillian.

Zack: Well, at least he introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne. That will really get them hating each other.

NC: Yeah, but why?

NC: (vo) We have a vague understanding of why Batman hates Superman, but there's really no reason Superman should hate Batman. (Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent see each other, and walk towards each other, grabbing each others' shirt collars, glaring)

Clark: (angry tone) Nice to meet you, Bruce Wayne.

Bruce: (angry tone) The pleasure's all mine, Clark Kent.

Clark: I hear Batman is trampling on civil liberties, making people live in fear, thinking he's above the law.

(The music for "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" starts to play, showing Superman's Stats: Trampled on Civil Liberties = 29,385, People Living in Fear of Him = 3.5 Billion, Times Working with the Law = 0)

Bruce: I hear Superman is powerfully dangerous, putting tons of people in harms way, and if there's even a 1% chance that he's unstable, he must be destroyed.

(The music plays again, showing Batman's Stats: People Who Think He's Powerfully Dangerous = 2.7 Million, People Harmed by Him = GOD KNOWS, Psychiatrists Who Say Dressing up as a Bat is WAY PAST 1% Unstable = 9, 254,902,764)

Bruce: By the way, Wonder Woman's in this movie.

(Tamara as Wonder Woman walks by again)

Wonder Woman: Hello.

(Lex Luthor suddenly appears with a cartoony sound effect)

Luthor: Howdy, boys! God, I love bringing people together. This reminds me of the time--

(Luthor continues talking incoherently)

Bruce: Who's the pipsqueak?

Clark: That's Lex Luthor.

Bruce: Noooo!

Clark: Afraid so.

Bruce: Does he ever shut up?

Clark: I don't know. Let's ask him.

(Luthor is interrupted when Clark and Bruce both backhand him in the face. Luthor falls down, and gets back up, now having two black eyes)

Luthor: Well, I guess I had that coming. See you later, boys. Smokin'!

(Luthor runs away in a cartoony way, with his neck stretching as his body runs away, before being jerked out of the frame).

Clark: This is like a bad dream, man.

Bruce: No, that's my department.

Clark: What?

Bruce: Yeah. I want most people to say "He was such a good Batman that he could do most of it in his sleep", so, I do most of it in my sleep. In fact, this is a dream sequence right now.

(Now Clark's head is replaced by a horses and is voiced by Malcolm Ray)

Clark: No kidding.

Bruce: Yeah.

(Bruce let's go of Clark's collar, and starts clutching his head as the background changes into a trippy effect. A high pitch echoing voice starts speaking)

Voice: SUBPLOTS, FUTURE CHARACTERS, THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YET, SO IT MUST BE CLEVER!!!

(Wonder Woman walks by again)

Wonder Woman: Hello.

(Bruce sits up with a start, and Alfred (played by Jim Jarosz) sits up beside him)

Alfred: Master Wayne, what is it?

Bruce: (sighs) I just don't know, Commissioner Alfred. I just feel like the motivations of the next film are being figured out before the motivations of this film.

Alfred: Well, that's still not going to get me grandchildren anytime soon.

Bruce: (sighs) Not this again.

Alfred: Yes, this again!

(The scene transitions with an explosion to the Batmobile driving as explosions are happening beside it)

Joe: It gets even weirder when Batman is chasing down some criminals that have the Kryptonite, and Superman literally stops right him in his track for pretty much no reason!

(Superman lands in front of the Batmobile, bringing it to a sudden stop)

Batman: (waving) Well bye only weakness that can kill (points as Superman) you!

Superman: I hate you!

Batman: Why?

Superman: Because your a vigilante.

Batman: You're a vigilante! I hate you because you are responsible for a ton of deaths!

Superman: You're responsible for a tons of death!

Batman: That's ridiculous! I value human life much more than you ever will!

(As Batman talks, he shoots two guys that come up behind him, and has the Batmobile ram one down)

Superman: Just stop hypocritting where I'm hypocritting. Go back to Gotham. It's literally across the street!

Batman: Tell me something? Do you bleed?

(Superman comes up to hit Batman, only for Batman to panic)

Batman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We're cool. We're cool.

Superman: Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen, detective, if I'm so bloodthirsty as you say I am, why haven't I killed you already?

Batman: Because I intimidate you? (Superman gives a "what" expression on his face) Boo?

(Superman flies off with Batman watching)

Batman: You never answered me. Do you bleed? You will.

(Superman comes back)

Superman: What did you say?

Batman: Nothing. Nothing.

(Superman flies up, only to ground pound the Batmobile and fly off again)

Batman: Oh, real mature!

(And we go to commercial)

(We come back from commercial, at Zack's office)

Zack: Okay, so you guys don't think Batman and Superman have enough reasons to hate each other. But hey, you gotta give me credit. Lex Luthor, his plan's pretty amazing.

(NC and Joe look at each other before asking the big question)

Both: How?!

(Superman flies into the Capitol as Lex Luthor bounces around before pressing a button on a remote to blow it up)

Zack: By inviting Superman to the Capitol building and blowing it up, causing people to hate him more.

NC: But even in the movie, they know he didn't do it.

Joe: And why would Superman use a bomb? He doesn't need one!

Zack: But it's okay because it scares Superman into exile.

NC: W-was that Lex's plan?

Zack: ...I dunno. (Joe is flabbergasted) I mean, yes, yes, that's exactly what he wants.

Joe: Why does he make another Kryptonian, then?

(Shows Lex popping up and down all over Zod's ship before approaching the camera, and holding up his hand. It shows a close up of his hand being scanned, and the words "Totally Kryptonian" appear on the bottom. The door opens and Lex walks in).

Joe (vo): He tricks the "incredibly advanced" Kryptonian technology using fake fingerprints, and forces it to (Shows the computer screen with Lex jumping up and down and a photo of Rob Walker's Zod. The words "DNA Cocktail" appear at the bottom) genetically combine his DNA with that of Zod's

Computer (voiced by Tamara Chambers): You know, genetic mutation is forbidden by Kryptonians.

Lex: They're all dead, so it doesn't really matter.

Computer: Even though your fingerprints convince me otherwise, I'll roll with it.

NC: Don't you wish this is how all "advanced technology" worked? (He pulls out a phone)

Phone: This phone is password protected.

Joe: Yeah, but the guy who owned it died.

Phone: Oh, okay. Here's all his info.

NC: Jackpot!

Zack: Oh hey, whose phone is that?

Joe: Oh it's yours.

Zack: What? Ah hey, gimme that! (He tries to reach for the phone, but NC and Joe keep him from doing so by pushing him back)

NC: Oooh, look at all the Spartan porn.

Zack: I don't need this! I'm friends with Christopher Nolan!

(We cut to Clark in the mountains)

NC (vo): So while in exile, Clark comes across his dead father (played by Rob Walker with Kevin Cotsner's face super imposed over his own) building a snow fort. This is either because: a) He's a ghost, b) Clark's hallucinating, c) More inconsistent Kryptonian technology, or d) If this is really your biggest question through all of this you're on Quaaludes.

Johnathan: Man up.

Clark: Okay.

Joe (vo): Meanwhile, Luthor's men (Walter and Malcolm) sneak up on Lois and kidnap her.

Lois: Oh, oh, don't worry. This happens all the time. I brought my own chloroform. (She blots a rag with chloroform and inhales it, knocking herself out)

NC (vo): And she wakes up on top of Lex's building.

Lex: Hello, my dear.

Lois: A-ha! I knew it! Through my journalistic skills, I figured out it was you, thus completing my essential role to this film. (And she feels quite proud of herself)

Lex: Oh you figured out that Lex Luthor was the bad guy, huh? Real brainscratcher there. Nobody else would've figured that one out. (Lois's smile starts to fade) You really solidified yourself as a necessity there. You know what I was doing while you were figuring out that incredible info? Figured out who Superman was, figured out who Batman was, and I planned two kidnappings to take place on the night that he was planning to finish him off. (He looks behind him and the Bat Signal comes on) See? See? There you go. And you know what the best part is? I did all of that offscreen! So even I don't know how I did all this impossible shit!

Lois: Um...

(Lex is now putting on a familiar purple jacket)

Lex: Phew, is it chilly up here or is that just the cold uselessness of your character?

Lois: Hey! I'm really important!

Lex: Oh yeah, sure. Let's get to the one thing that we know you're good at.

(He pushes Lois off the building and walks away. Superman speeds on by and saves Lois)

Lois: Thank you! I really am important!

Superman: It's over, Luthor.

Lex: Your mama says blah!

Superman: Says blah?

Lex: No, but she will when I slit her throat.

(He holds up a picture of Tamara as Martha Kent being scared while the picture reads "How come you always know where LOIS is but not me? -Mom")

Superman: Mama!

Lex: Now go kill Batman because I think it'd be cool!

Superman: Okay!

(Superman then flies out to meet Batman for their battle)

Batman: This is it. We barely have a reason to hate each other except we hate the fact that the other one kills. I'll kill you for that!

(The two scream and charge at each other. Just as they're about to strike, we cut back to the office)

Zack: Eh? Ehhh? (Joe and NC are facepalming) Pretty high drama, huh? Look, isn't this it? Isn't this what you've always wanted to see?

NC: Yeah, it's what we've always wanted to see

Joe: But, not why we wanted to see it.

NC (vo): We want to see Batman and Superman fight because they have different ideologies we enjoy. One is dark and aggressive; the other is kind and hopeful. Seeing two points of view that are different, but we identify with, is deep and conflicting drama.

Joe: But Superman is fighting to save his mom, and Batman is fighting because he pretty much does what he does. I-It's not an epic fight if the motivations weak. It is the literal definition of forced.

Zack: Yeah, but it isn't so cool the way Batman swings im around like a yo-yo?

(Shows Batman swinging Superman around)

NC & Joe: (unsure) Yeah

Zack: And isn't it cool the way Superman (Batman holds out his hands as Superman punches him offscreen) punches him across the building.

NC & Joe: (unsure) Yeah

Zack: And isn't cool how Batman sprays him with Kryptonite gas, so just minutes later, he can stab him with Kryptonite spear!

(NC goes to speak, and then stops)

NC: Wait a minute. Why, didn't he just stab him to with the spear first?

Zack: Huh?

Joe: Yeah, this a battle of brains, as well as brawns. Why didn't Batman just stab him in his first move?