The Worst Films of 2015 (Brad and Dave)

Introduction
Brad: It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we get to remember the shit we watched.

Dave: Well, it's good 'cause we get to purge it all out, and then we start right into January horror movies.

Brad: Yes. We start right into the January movies that, come January next year, I'm gonna have to remind myself that I even fucking saw.

Dave: [looking at list on a sketchpad] That's half my list right there, like, "oh, yeah, I saw that."

Brad: Yeah, and with my list, I... it was more, what am I going to leave off? Because it's been suggested before that we make these twenty, and I don't wanna do that.

Dave: It's too much. It's too much, 'cause what happens is, your top three bad ones really stick out, but the next seven, it's really a battle to figure out what order you put 'em in. It's not like "this was definitely the fourth worst movie of the year," it's more "what movie pissed me off the least?"

Brad: Yeah, it's kind of turned into...I don't wanna do twenty because I feel like you have to think about it more when there's ten. You really have to be like, "yeah, some real shit's getting left off," but it takes more effort to condense it into ten.

Dave: Yeah, because...I think, on the list you sent me of movies I'd seen that I'd reviewed on the site that I didn't like, there was like 16 movies. And I'm sure I've seen four other movies this year that I didn't like.

Brad: Outside of the Midnight Screenings.

Dave: Yeah, that I could add to the list, like, I didn't see Jurassic World at the Midnight Screenings, I saw it on my own, I didn't like it. I could add that and probably a few others to it, but the fact of the matter is, it's like, there were some...that were on the list that even you sent me, it was like, "oh yeah, you didn't like this," and it's like, yeah, I didn't like it, but...

Brad: It was just me sending you every single one that had a negative review. And since we were living in kind of a post-Pure Flix world, [laughing] that's a funny thing to say. Since we're living in a post-Pure Flix world, I judge things differently now. Now there's...it's less ranking which one pissed me off the most to "#10 pissed me off, but not as much as the rest." There's a lot more objectivity thrown in there as well.

Dave: It's like, am I gonna give this one slack because I liked this one performance in it? It's like, I hated the writing, but the acting was good. Or it was really well-filmed, but it was still a shitty movie.

#10
Dave: #10, Aloha, which could be higher on the list. I mean, it was a fucking shitshow of a movie.

Brad: Uh-huh. We're at a Krasinski movie tomorrow.

Dave: Yeah, and that's the thing. I was like, I really didn't like that movie, but all I remember in that movie was how amazing John Krasinski is. Like, off the top of my head, this was like, Krasinski was awesome! So I wanted to give it some slack, so I put it at 10. It's a shitshow of a movie. It's Cameron Crowe's...easily his worst movie. It's an amalgam of everything he's done before, plus a little bit of WarGames.

Brad: [laughs] This sounds...everything I hear about this movie sounds amazing. WarGames, John Krasinski speaks only with his facial features, there's a satellite...

Dave: Bill Murray's the bad guy.

Brad: Yeah, Emma Stone is, like, Hawaiian or some shit.

Dave: She's supposed to be half-Hawaiian. A half-Hawaiian redhead.

Brad: This sounds like the best film of the year.

Dave: It's just a fucking hot mess of a movie. But the intentions there are still good, and it's still got some of that good Cameron Crowe dialogue. But there's just too much...it's like the screenplay must have been for an eight-hour movie, but the studio just started cuttin' shit.

Brad: I didn't see it, which is a phrase I'm sure is gonna come up a lot during this. I didn't see it, but also, all I remember about it was us getting out of the theater, and you guys were in the middle of your review when whatever the fuck I was at that night got out. So I get out, you see us walking there, and you lean out the car and just scream "goddammit!" And then Ryan or Brian, whoever I was with was like, "well, I guess they didn't like it," and I say, "well, he went back in the car, maybe we didn't hear the end of that. It could've been, "goddammit, that was fucking underrated!'"

Dave: It was...I could go on a whole rant about Cameron Crowe right now, about how...he used to be one of those filmmakers that like, I would look forward to Cameron Crowe movies. And the last few, it's just been like, Cameron Crowe, quit writing the same movies.

Brad: Stop making "so what" movies.

Dave: Yeah, and that's really what they are. It's like after Almost Famous, he's just like, "ah, fuck it."

Brad: Yeah.

Dave: And for the most part, they're still like...We Bought a Zoo is not a great movie, but it's not a bad movie. It's very just...watchable. Aloha was bad. Aloha was a bad movie, and it's heartbreaking when someone whose work you used to respect, and still can look back and respect quite a bit of it, you just look at it and go "ooh..."

Brad: There is nothing on my list that I can even come close to saying something like that about. Like, my #10, um... We were talking earlier about looking at things slightly more objectively, and this movie at #10 did really, really piss me off. But there were other movies, there were a couple movies that maybe pissed me off more. Okay, for instance, Unfinished Business and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 aren't on my list, and I had...when I was looking at #10, it was like those two movies and this one. And honestly, where I came down is, at least Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Unfinished Business, bad as they are, looked like something you would see in a theater. It's like, okay, these are terrible, but I don't feel like I'm watching a TV movie. My #10 is The Loft, which, did...

Dave: I've heard all about this fucking movie.

Brad: Yeah, honestly, yeah, 'cause me and Sarah were at that, she was telling you all about it the other day.

Dave: Yeah.

Brad: It was...there is no reason why, even as a fucking January movie, there was no fucking reason that we were seeing that shit in a fucking theater. That movie was...it was like some awful fucking pilot for, like, a sexy cable show that's not fucking sexy, and it's got dialogue in it where everyone is kind of speaking in double entendres that make no sense. Like, "oh, I see you're holding the queen of hearts. Don't stab me with those ace of spades." What does that fucking mean?! I don't know, I think they're blackmailing people. I don't know.

It's all like rejected Christian Troy dialogue from Nip/Tuck. That's really what this fucking movie seems like.

Dave: Like someone just walked into the Nip/Tuck writing room, picked all the pages up off the floor, uncrumpled them, taped them together into a screenplay?

Brad: Nip/Tuck is a show where a woman answered the door holding a cat, and Christian Troy says, "nice pussy." So that made it in that show, and this fucking shit just seems bad enough for even, like... The final season of Silk Stalkings is better than shit you see in this movie. We ranted about this movie hardcore when we were outside the car, and I don't know if we pre-video ranted about those other movies, but me and Sarah just had to with this movie, so that's my #10.

#9
Dave: Yeah. Well, since we touched on it a minute ago, my #9 is Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

Brad: Have at it. That movie sucked ass.

Dave: It did, and I understand it didn't make it to your list, 'cause... Honestly, the last six months, I haven't been able to go see that many movies, so I missed a lot of bad ones because my job kept me safe.

Brad: Maybe in the back of my head, I was like, "well, it'll be on Dave's list."

Dave: Yeah. God, that was a piece of shit. What really stung about Hot Tub Time Machine 2 is, the previews looked terrible. The movie didn't look good. There was nothing that looked good about this movie. But what stung about it was, the first one's a really good movie.

Brad: I loved the first one.

Dave: The first one's a good, solid comedy. The second one's not.

Brad: It's hard to believe that that movie has the same director and the same writers as the first film.

Dave: And for the most part, the same cast. I think what it was was, the first one, they wrote this intimate little movie about rediscovering your self, and the second one, they're like, "let's go to the future and just bat for the fucking fences."

Brad: Well, it was...everyone who had learned their lesson in the first movie seems to have forgotten that in this film. They're all stereotypes of the characters they were in the first film. Yeah, you had dickheads in the first one, but at the end of the day, the first movie had heart. The second one's funniest sequence is a rape scene.

Dave: And I'll give the rape scene credit. It was funny, mostly the fact that I was sitting there going, "are they actually fucking doing this?"

Brad: Apparently, they are.

Dave: Yeah, and...the one thing I'll give the second one, it had the benefit of Adam Scott as the straight man.

Brad: Which is always a magical thing.

Dave: Yeah, Adam Scott's great. And it's one of those...I can't blame the performances from anybody in that movie. It's just so shittily written. Even the first one had...it had some stupid fucking teenage gross-out stupid humor, but it was in small doses, and it worked for the movie. And this one, that was just what they had.

Brad: No, I totally agree. It was a group of talented people coming together to fall on their faces in a way that's up there with Caddyshack II.

That honestly goes into my #9, which also has...

Dave: Caddyshack II? Are we bringing it back?

Brad: Yeah, you know, it had its anniversary re-release this year...27th anniversary? No, mine's Vacation. This one just flat-out pissed me off.

Dave: I know. You ranted about that movie for like a week.

Brad: I did. I did. It was...where do I even start with this fucking movie? This is a movie that seems like it was written by people who just didn't even see the other movies. Even the bad sequels to Vacation, like European or Vegas Vacation. Even that, it is humor that is not existent in those other movies. There's no jokes in it. At least Hot Tub Time Machine 2, Unfinished Business, things like that, they had jokes, they just weren't very funny. This doesn't have jokes, it's just gross-out humor. It's supposed to be funny because he's holding a handful of pubic hair, and he thought it was a sponge.

Dave: And that's not what the...the originals are all... And the fact that it's Rusty, and Rusty's that much of an id... Rusty was the straight man!

Brad: Yeah! If anything, talk about needing Adam Scott for a role!

Dave: You know what? Fuck that. I love Adam S...

Brad: Needing Anthony Michael Hall?

Dave: Damn right! Damn right! He's alive, he's working, it'd be great.

Brad: Yeah, no, this just turns him into like...he's flopping around, there's turbulence on the place, his face lands in some titties, and it's funny 'cause it's supposed to be awkward. Like the first movie...the first movie had a couple of raunchy things in it, but there was always... Okay, when Clark is eating the sandwich that's been peed on, that's part of the joke, but the joke isn't just dependent on he's eating a piss-stained sandwich, it's that he's holding this while trying to act smooth while making eyes with Christie Brinkley. There's more to that joke than...

Dave: It's not "ooh, pee!" It's, "oh, God, don't do that, man."

Brad: And he spits it out, throws it on the ground. There's more to the jokes in that movie than just something R-rated is happening. And this was...I don't know how they fucked this up. I mean, the only parts that got kind of a chuckle out of me were the opening credits that's playing "Holiday Road" and when Chevy Chase shows up in it later. That's a few seconds' worth of "heh."

Dave: Yeah.

Brad: But this movie...this was during the Brad and Sarah Show, and this was by far the worst, and we saw Pixels that week.

#8
Dave: Fantastic 4'.