Simon Sez

NC: Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, after the smash hit of Double Team...

NC (vo): ...that is to say everyone wanted to hit and smash it after they were done watching it, I guess studio executives thought Dennis Rodman was the next big action star. Ok, let's be honest, he struck out once and they wanted to try it one more time to see if there was any more potential money they could squeeze out of him.

NC: That sad attempt is known as Simon Sez.

(Clips from the movie play)

NC (vo): The great tragedy about Rodman is that he's actually not that bad of an actor. Ok, he's no Godsend(?) or anything, but when you compare him to the competition (aka Shaq and Michael Jordan), he's the Gregory Peck of basketball acting. But sadly, we kept seeing him in half-baked scripts with half-baked dialogue and probably- let's be honest here -a half-baked Dennis Rodman. And this is one of the fruits of Hollywood's ever-misfiring loins, bringing us the typical over-the-top schlock that goes into such half-assed celebrity vehicles.

NC: It's a tough one to watch but SOMEBODY'S gotta get through it. Let's get this over with and ...

Obscurus Lupa: Hey, Critic! You can't possibly review this clunker without me!

NC: Goddamn it! Why do I always leave the ability to interrupt my reviews open?

Lupa: This movie is a classic disaster. It's like watching an incredibly bloody car wreck: horrible to witness, but also really funny.

NC: (confused) OK. Look. I appreciate the help, but I'm doing this alone.

Lupa: Oh. OK! I'll just take off then.

NC: (surprised) Really?

Lupa: Yeah. Why stick around if you clearly don't want me here?

NC: Wow. I've never had that happen before. Usually, whenever a reviewer interrupts me, they want to do the review with me, I tell them to piss off, and they just stick around. We do the review together. I've never had someone actually listen to me before.

Lupa: Well, maybe you've been hanging with the wrong crowd, Critic. Later.

(Dramatic violin music suddenly plays)

NC: Wow. This. This is a new experience for me. One of the reviewers actually listened to me. I-I don't know how to take this. It's kind of overwhelming. Well, I'll tell you right now. This gives me a whole new outlook on lif... (Lupa pushes the screen aside) Ah!

Lupa: So, as the credits roll, we see we're in for a bigger schlock-fest than you think.

NC: (Pushes the screen back) Fuckin' hate you!

Lupa: I know.

Lupa (vo): You may notice that one of the first things we see in this film is the classic late 90s ploy of spelling the title wrong.

NC (vo): Simon Sezzzzzz. Jesus. What's the point of spelling it that way, anyhow?

90s Kid: It's because poor literacy is KEWL!!!

Lupa: That it is 90s Kid.

90s Kid: Dude! Can I be in your crossover?

NC: No.

90s Kid: Oh, come on. I've already got the script written out and everything. "Lupa and 90s Kid start making out." Oh. This is my fanfiction. ... Oh, here we go. This is the real script. "90s Kid and Lupa start making out."

(NC cuts him off)

NC (vo): And you can see we're clearly in for a treat with not only Dennis Rodman being the star, but also co-starring Dane Cook.

Lupa (vo): Clearly the meeting of two titans. The two people you can't stand to see in a movie alone together at last.

NC (vo): It's also starring famous stunt actor and fight choreographer, (sees the name Xiong Xin Xin) this guy! Yeah, I don't know how to pronounce his name, but if you ever get a Scrabble hand with three X's in it, you'll know what to do now.

Lupa (vo): So, in Europe, we see a surveillance camera mounted to a robotic fly piloted by our comic relief.

Macro: Say, Simon. Why does a European police car call themselves Interpol, anyway? Why don't they just say Europol?

Micro (John Pinette): I had a Europol at the doctor's office once. I couldn't sit down for a week.

Lupa: (vo): Wow. Hard to believe that one of the writers on this was the star of "My Boyfriend's Back."

NC (vo): Ah, how the low and useless have managed to ... stay exactly where they are. So it turns out an evil colonel of ... whatever is intercepted by an evil crime boss of ... whatever in an attempt to get an evil ...

NC: Hmm. Twenty bucks says microchip.

Lupa: Twenty bucks says computer disk.

NC: You're on.

(A car chase ensues)

Lupa (Girl's voice): Hey, Joey, you watching?

NC (Uninterested boy's voice): Yeah

Lupa (Girl): You watchin,' Joey?

NC (Boy): Yeah.

Lupa (Girl): Joey. Joey. Joey.

NC: (Boy): Yeah.

Lupa (Girl): You watchin'. Get a load of this. (Watches motorcycle do a flip) Wee! D'You see that, Joey?

NC (Boy): Yes, Kimmy.

Lupa (Girl): I totally did that backflip.

NC (Boy): I know, Kimmy.

Lupa (Girl): It was totally pointless but I totally did that backflip.

NC (Boy): Got it, Kimmy.

Lupa (Girl): Will you date me now?

NC (Boy): NO!

(Back to the review)

NC (vo): So, the colonel is cornered by a villain named Ashton, who keeps his kookiness to a minimum now, but trust me, his koo-koo-for-cocoa-puffs moment is right around the corner.

Ashton: You don't call. You don't mail. You don't carry a pigeon. What did I do?

Lupa (vo): So our main character Simon, played of course by Dennis Rodman, intervenes in the most undercover camoflauge he can find.

(Simon then rides his motorcycle over a dock to another one)

Lupa (vo): Good to know he's not attracting any attention on his top secret mission.

NC (vo): I know, he's under attack by the bride from Kill Bill.