Planet of the Commercials

Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by...

(Suddenly, NC pops up, smiling widely and wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" shirt)

NC: ...COMMERCIALS!

(He holds up a remote control and pushes a button. The sound of static is heard, and then, as per tradition, the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers are shown)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "This Episode Brought to You by Commercials!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

PetSter
(TV static transition to: PetSter commercial)

Commercial Announcer: This is a PetSter.

NC (vo): Hey, parents, want to put the hair your Roomba sucks on top of it and say it's a pet? Enjoy.

(In the commercial, a boy and a girl clap their hands, and the PetSter comes to them)

Announcer: And this is the kid who got it to come.

NC: Oh, it's that kind of toy. Okay.

NC (vo): I guess when I heard he got a robotic pussy, I should've put this together.

Announcer: His sister made it go right or left just by clapping her hands.

NC: (wide-eyed amazement) Just like a real cat!

(We then see NC's cat, Chaplin, sitting on a chair)

NC: Hey, Chaplin!

(NC claps his hands repeatedly, but Chaplin doesn't respond. NC then claps a second time, but Chaplin still ignores him. Then the word "FUN" pops up in yellow)

NC: FUN!

[...]

NC (vo): Yeah, a weak toy for a weak commercial, definitely puts the "pester" in "PetSter".

Announcer: ...are sold separately, by Axlon.

(A shot of Chaplin appears in the corner)

Chaplin (voiced by Doug): I'm PetSter.

Lloyd (voiced by Brad): No, you're not!

Flintstones Vitamins
(TV static transition to: Flintstones Vitamins commercial)

Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! ♫

NC (vo): Ah, a timeless classic. If you were around my age, you probably grew up with Flintstone Vitamins. Hell, maybe even younger, as they still seem to be around. One of the biggest draws to them was this cute little commercial with this catchiest-as-hell jingle.

Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong and growing... ♫

Commercial Announcer: Preferred by more moms than any other children's vitamins.

NC: Most dads would agree, too, (becomes nervous) if he ever came back home. He just went out to get Flintstones Cigarettes, right?

(Cut to a clip of a Winston's Cigarettes sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Wilma Flintstone lighting up cigarettes and smoking them. Yep, The Flinstones was once sponsored by a cigarette company!)

Fred: ♫ Winston tastes good, like a... (clicks cigarette lighter twice) ...cigarette should. ♫

(Cut back, quite jarringly, to the Flintstones Vitamins commercial)

NC (vo): Actually, it is funny that these characters are being used to sell healthy products, considering the huge amount of unhealthy products they've sold in the past.

(Cut to another clip of another Winston sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Barney Rubble taking a "Winston break" as they each take a Winston cigarette from the carton to smoke)

Fred: Winston is the one filter cigarette that delivers flavor twenty times a pack.

(Now cut to a commercial for Busch Beer, also featuring Fred)

Fred: When you're due for a beer, Busch does it.

(Now cut back once again, again jarringly, to a more kid-friendly commercial, showing an ad for a Flintstones placemat from Denny's)

Commercial Announcer: Now Denny's has a placemat collection featuring the Flintstones.

NC: Hey, (points to screen) you know they're in the same ballpark!

(Cut back to the Busch Beer commercial)

Fred: Ooh, there's a lot of Busch gonna be sold!

(Suddenly, a broad zoot hat with a feather in it appears on top of Fred's head, along with the phrase "PIMP LIFE" appearing at the bottom)

NC (vo): Regardless, this is still a nice commercial with a nice song that's sure to stay in your head.

Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong... ♫

Girl Singer: ♫ ...And groooowing. ♫

NC: And that's why we're interviewing the composer of that commercial today! (suddenly becomes confused) Wait, what?

Voice: That's right!

(NC looks to his left (the viewer's right) to see who said that: it's the Chart Guys (played by Rob and Malcolm), who rise up beside him)

Chart Guy 1: The chart says people want more intellectual conversation.

Chart Guy 2: So you're going to interview the man who scored the music for this commercial.

NC: But I don't want to interview some dumb, lousy–

Chart Guy 1: Before you continue, I should point out (points behind NC) he's right behind you.

NC: (awkward pause) Huh, that bit died.

(He then looks behind him. Sure enough, he spots the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins commercial jingle, Michael Salvatori)

NC: Hi there.

Salvatori: Hi there, I'm Michael.

(The Chart Guys sink back down)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

Salvatori: (pointing to him) You remember it so I don't have to.

NC: (feeling embarrassed) Yes, I... (low voice) never realized how lame that sounded until you said it. (cheerfully) So tell me about writing the Flintstones Vitamins jingle.

Salvatori: Well, it all started when we were approached to compose the Flintstones Vitamins commercial,

My Buddy & Kid Sister
(TV static transition to: My Buddy & Kid Sister commercial)

Announcer: My Buddy and Kid Sister. Each sold separately.

(We zoom in on My Buddy)

Chucky: (audio) GIVE ME THE POWER I BEG OF YOU!!

Announcer: From Playskool.

Cadbury
(TV static transition to: Cadbury commercial. It shows the Cadbury Bunny clucking like a chicken)

Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!

(The rabbit then moves aside, revealing a nest full of Cadbury Creme Eggs)

Announcer: You're looking at a very unusual kind of egg.

NC (vo): It ain't Easter yet, but chances are you remember this one. The Cadbury Bunny is a trademark every holiday season for the Cadbury Creme Eggs. With his adorable look, constant clucking, and ability to shit candy that tastes like chocolate, and, let's be honest, a little like actual shit.

NC: Yeah, I know a lot of people liked this product, but I never understood it, especially after watching the commercials!

NC (vo): Because, let's face it, the candy never looked as good as it did here. I mean, look at that! It's like if the chocolate could had an orgasm; it looks like the tastiest thing you could imagine! The actual product?

(With a look of disgust, NC opens his own Cadbury Creme Egg, revealing that it looks solid yellow, rather than the white/yellow appearance of a real egg in the commercial)

NC: Well, I'll give it this: (The camera cuts to a closeup of this product he holds) it does look like an abandoned pregnancy.

NC (vo): Even if you tried to do it delicately, to get that slow, gooey look...

(Looking quite sick, NC tries to do it as they do in the commercial. Again, it doesn't quite look like the commercial)

NC: It looks like Plastic Man's semen; it's like the most unappealing thing ever!

NC (vo): Even the Bunny's final cluck sounds like a warning not to buy them!

Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!

NC: Like, "You'll be soorrry!"

NC (vo): There was actually a controversy long ago because they made the size smaller over the years. Good! The less of this Oompa-Loompa turd you can put in your body, the better!

Announcer: Why they're the best thing to come along since the Easter Bunny, and when he's gone, they're gone.

(The words "THANK GOD!" appear over the screen)

NC (vo): What's interesting is these are the American commercials for the Cadbury Bunny, but Cadbury is a British company. I'm kinda wondering what the bunny looks like in the UK.

(As if on cue, we then cut to a commercial for Cadbury in the UK. It is quite different, in animated cartoon form. It shows a mole wearing glasses running through a forest, but tripping on a rock. As he falls to the ground and slides forward, he loses his glasses and slides up to a female brown rabbit wearing a ribbon around her neck and holding the mole's glasses in one hand and some Cadbury chocolate in the other)

Cadbury Bunny: (sultry female voice) Take it easy, Mr. Mole. (puts Mr. Mole's glasses back on his face)

NC: (stunned) Wwwwhooooa...

(The female Cadbury Bunny is seen saying the company's tagline, "Take it even easier...")

NC (vo): Britain's bunny is a little...um, boobier...

(A montage of clips of commercials is shown, showing the Cadbury Bunny showing the product to various forest animals, all of whom swoon over her. In one, she shows the product to a beaver)

Cadbury Bunny: Haven't you heard of Cadbury's Caramel?

Beaver: (shaking his head no) Mm-mm.

Cadbury Bunny: (unwrapping some) See as the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate (breaks the product in half, revealing caramel inside) melts with that dreamy caramel...

(In another, she shows the product to a pair of weasels dressed like news reporters, who also become smitten over her)

Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel.

NC: (softly as he nervously shakes his head) Their Cadbury Bunny makes me think wrong things. Things I shouldn't do to bunnies.

(In yet another commercial, a hare, who was racing a tortoise, gets distracted by the Cadbury Bunny and starts swooning over her)

Cadbury Bunny: See how the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate melts into smooth, golden caramel.

(She holds it out to the hare, who blinks his eyes and his tongue drops out, panting)

NC (vo): For years, all Americans had was (An image of Lola Bunny from Space Jam appears in the corner) Space Jam to quench the growing bunny sex thirst. There was this treasure trove for a select audience the whole time?!

Cadbury Bunny: (to a beaver who had almost finished gnawing on a tree) Hey, Mr. Beaver, why are you beavering around? (The beaver stares, wide-eyed, at the Cadbury Bunny, with his flat tail erect)

NC: (shaking head) That was not a mistake. None of this is by accident.

(In yet another commercial, a nicely-dressed white rabbit, wearing a derby, a vest and a bowtie, and holding a case in his hand, runs up to a sign pointing the ways to "This way" and "That way", and looks around quite nervously. Yeah, this is the White Rabbit, as in from "Alice In Wonderland")

White Rabbit: I'm late for a very important date!

Cadbury Bunny: Hey, Mr. Rabbit. Why are you so twitchy?

(This whole time, the White Rabbit becomes twitchy, but this time with excitement, as he becomes smitten over her. He eagerly adjusts his bowtie for her and blushes)

NC (vo; as White Rabbit): Oh-ho, you make me wanna grow genitalia to explore!

[...]

NC (vo): Whether it's a cute bunny who likes to cluck, or a cute bunny that likes to... "Happy Snowman!" (A picture of Olaf from Frozen is shown) ...these are interesting commercials, to say the least.

Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel.

Beavis: (audio from Beavis and Butthead) Bo-yo-yo-yo-yoing. (giggles)

Pioneer Chicken
(TV static transition to: Pioneer Chicken commercial)

Announcer: Hey O.J., you sure do love that Pioneer Chicken.

NC: This aged great.

[...]

(Suddenly, he yelps as he sees Michael Salvatori again, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily)

NC: Where did you come from?

Salvatori: Well, your Blu-ray shelf enjoyed my story so much, he said I should come over and share it with you.

Shelf: He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.

Salvatori: Thanks, Shelf. Ten million strong...

Shelf: And groooowing.

Popsicle
(TV static transition to: Popsicle commercial)

NC (vo): Quiznos' Spongemonkeys too normal for you? Maybe you should try the Good Humor Popsicle commercials. These ran from the late '90s to the early 2000's. To enjoy them is simple.

NC: Press "play" on your controller. Do any assortment of these drugs.

NC (vo): And enjoy your new reality.

[...]

NC (vo): How the hell did that meeting go?

NC: (as a spokeperson) We need a catchphrase for these popsicles!

NC: (as another spokesperson) Well, how about "Popsicles! Ho-Ho!"

NC: Will you marry me?

NC: (in a low satanic voice) Everything is coming together!

[...]

NC: What can one say but "Popsicle! Ho-ho!"?

Popsicle Logo: POPSICLE! HO-HO!

Announcer: From Good Humor.

Panda Cheese
(TV static transition to: Panda Cheese commercial)

NC (vo): So... I don't usually do commercials from Egypt, but trust me when I say this one deserves the attention. It's for a product called Panda Cheese. Sounds harmless enough, but their ads are uniquely intimidating. It usually starts with two or more people, one asking the other if they can get some Panda Cheese. When the person declines, this happens.

Male Singer: ♫ Just you know why. ♫

Male Singers: ♫ Just you know why. ♫

Chargertron
(TV static transition to: Chargertron commercial)

Male Singer: ♫ Switch on Chargertron ♫

NC: Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest song you will ever hear for a toy commercial!

Male Singer: ♫ Switch on Chargertron, robots like you've ever seen, switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines ♫

[..]

(Suddenly, he yelps as he yet again sees Michael Salvatori, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily)

NC: How, how?!

Salvatori: Amazing how that hole led to a kingdom of mole people who were nice enough to bring me back.

Mole (voiced by Doug): He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.

Salvatori: Thanks, Mole. Ten million strong...

Mole: And groooowing.

Domino's Pizza (with The Noid)
(TV static transition to: Domino's Pizza commercial)

Announcer: This is the Noid.

NC (vo): Sometimes younger people ask me why certain things caught on. Once in a while I have to say "I have no goddamn clue." The Noid commercials for Domino's Pizza is one of those times. Animated by the late, great animator, Will Vinton, it always was impressive on a technical level...

NC: ...but... I just didn't get it.

NC (vo): What was the Noid? Why did he want to ruin pizzas? Why is he dressed like he's ready to lure children into his van?

NC: And the biggest question out of the all the pizzas to ruin, why...

NC (vo): ...Domino's?! Isn't that already pretty ruined pizza?

Announcer: A Noid hates hot quality pizza. He loves to make your hot pizza ice cold.

NC (as the announcer): So he doesn't need to stop by...

NC (vo) as Announcer): ...this place often, I mean, if your pizza's glowing there's clearly something wrong with it, or... again, it's just Domino's.

Announcer: The Noid's a wicked wizard, who make pizzas old and cold.

NC (vo): Nevertheless, his popularity exploded, with T-shirts, action figures, there was even a Nintendo game on him! What was the plot? Cause the fatality of Little Caesar?

NC: Why the hell are we celebrating a pizza terrorist?

NC (vo):

NC (vo): (sighs) I don't know why this was a thing, but it was animated nice and I guess harmlessly silly, uh, again, if you keep your kids far, far away.

(Pictures of The Noid and the Domino's Logo with the caption "Which One?" appears)

NC: Either.

Announcer: Avoid the Noid. Domino's Pizza Delivers, call now.

(A clip from the episode "Deep Throats" from Family Guy plays on the top left of the screen)

Mayor West: Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.

Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber
(TV static transition to: Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber commercial)

Cliffhanger Video Game
(TV static transition to: Cliffhanger Video Game commercial)

Man: Talk to your aunts.

NC (vo): This is an ad for a game version of Cliffhanger, the old Sylvester Stallone movie

ALF Plush & Storytelling ALF
(TV static transition to: ALF commercial)

Announcer: Storytelling Alf. Extra cassettes sold seperately. Batteries not included. New from Coleco.

ALF (voiced by NC): Ha ha! Kill me.

Gainomax
(TV static transition to: Gainomax commercial)

NC (vo): This is an ad for a protein drink.

NC: Can't you just tell?

(NC shrieks and tries to change the channel, but the Gainomax Monkey appears on every channel and NC puts down the remote)

NC: Okay, I'll just let you leave when you're nice and ready.

(Beat)

Gainomax Monkey: I'll be back at the end...

NC: Of the commercial?

Gainomax Monkey: ...of you! Enjoy Gainomax.

NC: Will it heal my scars?

Gainomax Monkey: No.

NC: (sighs) Okay.

Britain Driving Safety PSAs
(TV static transition to: various Britain Safety PSAs)

NC (vo): If you disturb easily, warning: These are from Britain. Yeah, Britain's PSAs in the last few episodes I've done have gained quite a reputation of being...

(Cut to a clip from Electricity Football PSA)

Andy: No!

NC (vo): ...unpleasent to say the least. So let's see how this latest batch goes over.

Girl: If you hit me at 40 miles an hour, there's around an 80% chance I'll die.

NC: Charming.

(The footage of the little girl is reversed and starts going up the road)

NC: Oh, I do hope they show this during Thomas & Friends.

Girl: (gasps)

Girl (vo): Hit me at 30, and there's around an 80% chance I'll live.

(The It's 30 for a reason slogan appears)

NC:  Or how about better the lesson of just DON'T HIT ANY KIDS?!

NC (vo): Sheesh, a good message but, man, how about a positive way to get the idea across? Okay a cute cartoon, this should be better.

British Announcer: The Boy who didn't stop, look and listen.

NC: Of course that's the title!

British Announcer: He loved to play Football all day, but the boy didn't cross in a safe place, the car hit him at quite a pace, and now he cannot play Football. Cause his leg broke in more than one place.

NC: Ugh, I'm gonna see if their neighbor Ireland has some any more chipper PSAs.

Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA
(TV static transition to: Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA. It begins with some kids in school ready to leave to go home for the day, while in the background, a female singer sings a sentimental version of "Sweet Child o' Mine")

Female Singer: ♫ She's got a smile it seems to me... ♫

NC: (shrugs) Well, seems more pleasant.

(In the ad, a man is seen running out to his car, while all the children from the school walk through some woods at the edge of the road, where some picnic grounds are set up. Meanwhile, the man, now in his car, drives along down this road)

Female Singer: ♫ Now and then when I see her face / She... ♫

NC: Is this even a PSA? It looks more like a car commercial.

(Earlier in the commercial, one boy is playing with a toy car, which looks rather like the one the man drives. A girl calls out to the boy and he puts the car away in his backpack)

Female Singer: ♫ ...memories / Where everything... ♫

NC (vo): Yeah...

NC: I think it is. It certainly feels more like one.

NC (vo): A bunch of kids playing outside, a parent coming to pick them up in a shiny vehicle, a kid holding a toy of that vehicle...

NC: All right, I can review this. This is a charming little car commercial.

(The boy drops his toy car on a sloped surface and watches it run down the hill, while the full-size car drives at a very fast clip down the road toward a turn in the road, behind which lies a stone wall. All the while, the gentle version of "Sweet Child o' Mine" continues in the background)

NC (vo): It's honestly very soothing, with a nice song and cinematography...

(Suddenly, however, the mood shifts dramatically as the car suddenly starts rolling end over end, out of control, crashing through the stone wall, behind which lies the picnic grounds where the children are! NC widens his eyes in shock, while the man screams as his car rolls right at the children, who all scream helplessly!)

NC: (leaning back in his seat in terror) Oh, my God!

(As the car is within inches of the children, the boy with the toy car stares at it, bracing for the inevitable!)

NC (vo): OH, MY GO–!!

(We abruptly cut to some shots of kittens and cats (including the PetSter from earlier), accompanied by a message reading "KITTIES – So We Won't Get Demonetized" at the top of the screen. Pleasant piano music plays during this. Then we cut back to the commercial, showing the end of the crash, as the children all lay dead and the boy with the toy car drops his hand open and the toy car falls out on the ground)

PSA Announcer: Since 2000...

(Cut back to the now-empty classroom)

PSA Announcer: ...speeding has killed a classroom of our children.

(NC stares in open-mouth horror. He is so stunned by what he just saw that he can only muster a very tiny whimper. Then we cut back to the end of the commercial, as we hear the end of "Sweet Child o' Mine" and the phrase "Shame on You" is displayed)

PSA Announcer: Shame on you.

NC: SHAME ON ME?!?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, AND YOU GAVE ME...

(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again)

NC (vo): ...PANCAKE KIDS!!

NC: I thought that was a car commercial, but it was (holds up and shakes index finger) the waving of a BLOODY ''SKELETON FINGER!! ''

NC (vo): What if the person watching doesn’t drive? What if they’re unable to drive? What if they’re kids?! JESUS, DID KIDS SEE THIS?!? Apparently, this got so much backlash, it was allowed to only be shown after 9pm!

NC: NO SHIT! What the hell would you tell your little boy watching that?!

NC (vo): (freeze-frame on the little boy) “Look, Billy! That’s the last face you can make before you’re 'carred' to death!” (footage of kids before crash is shown again) How the hell would anyone go back to watching their family shows after seeing this?!

(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown again, before cutting to a post-commercial bumper for “The Wonderful World Of Disney”)

Announcer: We now return to The Wonderful World Of Disney.

(Back to the commercial before the crash)

NC (vo): There’s no coming back from that! It’s just too extreme! It’s too intense!

(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the children is shown one more time)

NC: STOP MAKING ME WATCH YOU, YOU WELL-MEANING PSYCHOS!!!

(The message "Shame on You" is shown one more time)

PSA Announcer: Shame on you.

NC: That's it! (throws up arms) That's it! (points to screen) Ireland is the new Britain! The order now is...

(Cut to a shot of the map of Ireland)

NC (vo): ...Ireland is (The British flag is superimposed over the map) the new Britain...

(Cut to a shot of the map of Great Britain)

NC (vo): ...and Britain is (The Canadian flag is superimposed over this map) the new Canada!

NC: So now, the question is, who's gonna be the new Ireland?! ''(points at screen) Who's gonna be the new Ireland?! (looks to his side) Do you'' have any idea?

(Suddenly, he yelps startedly as he once again sees Michael Salvatori, the man who composed the Flintstones Vitamins jingle, sitting next to him, grinning creepily)

Salvatori: Amazing that life was discovered on Mars the moment I landed there, and they were nice enough to fly me back to my home planet.

(Two martians are shown standing nearby and speaking to NC)

Perplex: (subtitled) He's surprisingly interesting the more you listen.

Salvatori: Thanks, Perplex. Ten million strong...

Martian: (subtitled) And groooowing.

[...]

(NC runs back to the door and the panda from the Panda Cheese commercials appears in front of him)

Male Singer: ♫ Just you know why. ♫

Male Singers: ♫ Just you know why. ♫

(NC screams at the panda and runs away from him, then he screams again as the monkey from the Gainomax commercial appears in front of him and the video abruptly ends)

Channel Awesome Tagline - Male Singer: ♫ Switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines ♫