Planet of the Commercials

Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by...

(Suddenly, NC pops up, smiling widely and wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" shirt)

NC: ...COMMERCIALS!

(He holds up a remote control and pushes a button. The sound of static is heard, and then, as per tradition, the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers are shown)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "This Episode Brought to You by Commercials!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

PetSter
(TV static transition to: PetSter commercial)

Announcer: This is a PetSter.

NC (vo): Hey parents, want to put the hair your Roomba sucks on top of it and say it's a pet? Enjoy.

Chaplin (voiced by Doug): I'm PetSter.

Lloyd (voiced by Brad): No you're not!

Flintstones Vitamins
(TV static transition to: Flintstones Vitamins commercial)

Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! ♫

NC (vo): Ah, a timeless classic. If you were around my age, you probably grew up with Flintstone Vitamins. Hell, maybe even younger as they seem to be still around. One of the biggest draws to them was this cute little commercial with this catchiest-as-hell jingle.

Kid Singers: ♫ We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong and growing... ♫

Commercial Announcer: Preferred by more moms than any other children's vitamins.

NC: Most dads would agree, too, (becomes nervous) if he ever came back home. He just went out to get Flintstones Cigarettes, right?

(Cut to a clip of a Winston's Cigarettes sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Wilma Flintstone lighting up cigarettes and smoking them. Yep, The Flinstones was once sponsored by a tobacco company!)

Fred: ♫ Winston tastes good, like a... (clicks cigarette lighter twice) ...cigarette should. ♫

(Cut back, quite jarringly, to the Flintstones Vitamins commercial)

NC (vo): Actually, it is funny that these characters are being used to sell healthy products, considering the huge of unhealthy they've sold in the past.

(Cut to another clip of another Winston's sponsor plug, showing Fred and Barney Rubble taking a "Winston break" as they each take a Winston cigarette from the case)

Fred: Winston is the one filter cigarette that delivers flavor twenty times a pack.

(Now cut to a commercial for Busch Beer, also featuring Fred)

Fred: When you're due for a beer, Busch does it.

(Now cut back once again, again jarringly, to a more kid-friendly commercial, showing an ad for a Flintstons placemat from Denny's)

Commercial Announcer: Now Denny's has a placemat collection featuring the Flintstones.

NC: Hey, (points to screen) you know they're in the same ballpark!

(Cut back to the Busch Beer commercial)

Fred: Ooh, there's a lot of Busch gonna be sold!

(Suddenly, a broad zoot hat with a feather in it appears on top of Fred's head, along with the phrase "PIMP LIFE" appearing at the bottom)

My Buddy & Kid Sister
(TV static transition to: My Buddy & Kid Sister commercial)

Announcer: My Buddy and Kid Sister. Each sold separately.

(We zoom in on My Buddy)

Chucky: (audio) GIVE ME THE POWER I BEG OF YOU!!

Announcer: From Playskool.

Cadbury
(TV static transition to: Cadbury commercial. It shows the Cadbury Bunny clucking like a chicken)

Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!

(The rabbit then moves aside, revealing a nest full of Cadbury Creme Eggs)

Announcer: You're looking at a very unusual kind of egg.

NC (vo): It ain't Easter yet, but chances are you remember this one. The Cadbury Bunny is a trademark every holiday season for the Cadbury Creme Eggs. With his adorable look, constant clucking, and ability to shit candy that tastes like chocolate, and, let's be honest, a little like actual shit.

NC: Yeah, I know a lot of people liked this product, but I never understood it, especially after watching the commercials!

NC (vo): Because, let's face it, the candy never looked as good as it did here. I mean, look at that! It's like if the chocolate had an orgasm; it looks like the tastiest thing you could imagine! The actual product?

(With a look of disgust, NC opens his own Cadbury Creme Egg, revealing that it looks solid yellow, rather than the white/yellow appearance of a real egg in the commercial)

NC: Well, I'll give it this: (The camera cuts to a closeup of this product he holds) it does look like an abandoned pregnancy.

NC (vo): When you tried to do it delicately, to get that slow, gooey look...

(Looking quite sick, NC tries to do it as they do in the commercial. Again, it doesn't quite look like the commercial)

NC: It looks like Plastic Man's semen; it's like the most unappealing thing ever!

NC (vo): Even the Bunny's final clucking sounds like a warning about not to buy them!

Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!

NC: Like, "You'll be soorrry!"

NC (vo): There was even a controversy long ago because they made the size smaller over the years. Good! The less of this Oompa-Loompa turd you can put in body, the better!

Announcer: They're the best thing to come along since the Easter Bunny, and when he's gone, they're gone.

(The words "THANK GOD!" appear over the screen)

NC (vo): What makes this interesting is that these are the American commercials for the Cadbury Bunny, but Cadbury is a British company. I'm kinda wondering what the bunny looks like in the UK.

(As if on cue, we then cut to a commercial for Cadbury in the UK. It is quite different, in animated cartoon form. It shows a mole wearing glasses running through a forest, but tripping on a rock. As he falls to the ground and slides forward, he loses his glasses and slides up to a female brown rabbit wearing a ribbon around her neck and holding the mole's glasses in one hand and some Cadbury chocolate in the other)

Cadbury Bunny: (sultry female voice) Take it easy, Mr. Mole. (puts Mr. Mole's glasses back on his face)

NC: (stunned) Wwwwhooooa...

(The female Cadbury Bunny is seen saying the company's tagline, "Take it even easier...")

NC (vo): Britain's bunny is a little...um, boobier...

(A montage of clips of commercials is shown, showing the Cadbury Bunny showing the product to various forest animals, all of whom swoon over her. In one, she shows the product to a beaver)

Cadbury Bunny: Haven't you heard of Cadbury's Caramel?

Beaver: (shaking his head no) Mm-mm.

Cadbury Bunny: (unwrapping some) See as the thick Cadbury's milk chocolate (breaks the product in half, revealing caramel inside) melts with that dreamy caramel...

(In another, she shows the product to a pair of weasels dressed like news reporters, who also become smitten over her)

Cadbury Bunny: Take it easy with Cadbury's Caramel.

NC: (softly as he nervously shakes his head) Their Cadbury Bunny makes me think wrong things. Things I shouldn't do to bunnies.

Pioneer Chicken
(TV static transition to: Pioneer Chicken commercial)

Popsicle
(TV static transition to: Popsicle commercial)

NC (vo): Quiznos' Spongemonkeys too much of a hassle? Maybe you should try the Good Humor Popsicle commercials. These ran from the late '90s to the early 2000's,

NC: What can one say but "Popsicle! Ho-ho!"?

Popsicle Logo: POPSICLE! HO-HO!

Announcer: From Good Humor.

Panda Cheese
(TV static transition to: Panda Cheese commercial)

NC (vo): So... I don't usually do commercials from Egypt, but trust me when I say this one deserves the attention. It's for a product called Panda Cheese. Sounds harmless enough, but their ads are uniquely intimidating. It usually starts with two or more people, with one asking the other if they can get some Panda Cheese. When the person declines, this happens.

Chargertron
(TV static transition to: Chargertron commercial)

Male Singer: ♫ Switch on Chargertron, robots like you've ever seen, switch on Chargertron, supersonic machines ♫

Domino's Pizza (with The Noid)
(TV static transition to: Domino's Pizza commercial)

Announcer: This is the Noid.

NC (vo): Sometimes one person asks about something I never caught on. Once in a while I have to say "I have no god damn clue." The Noid commercials for Domino's Pizza is one of those times.

Announcer: Avoid the Noid. Domino's Pizza Delivers, call now.

(A clip from the episode "Deep Throats" from Family Guy plays on the top left of the screen)

Mayor West: Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.

Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber
(TV static transition to: Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber commercial)

Cliffhanger Video Game
(TV static transition to: Cliffhanger Video Game commercial)

Man: Talk to your aunts.

NC (vo): This is an ad for a game version of Cliffhanger, the old Sylvester Stallone movie

ALF Plush & Storytelling ALF
(TV static transition to: ALF commercial)

Announcer: Storytelling Alf. Extra cassettes sold seperately. Batteries not included. New from Coleco.

ALF (voiced by NC): Ha ha! Kill me.

Gainomax
(TV static transition to: Gainomax commercial)

NC (vo): This is an ad for a protein drink.

Britain Driving Safety PSAs
(TV static transition to: various Britain Safety PSAs)

NC (vo): If you disturb easily, warning: These are from Britain. Yeah, Britain's PSAs in the last few videos I've done have a reputation of being...

(Cut to a clip from Electricity Football PSA)

Andy: No!

NC (vo): ...unpleasent to say the least. So let's see how this latest batch goes through.

Girl: If you hit me at 80 there's around an 30% chance I'll die.

NC: Charming.

(The footage of the little girl is reversed and starts going up the road)

NC: Oh, I do hope they show this during Thomas & Friends.

Girl: (gasps)

Girl (vo): Hit me at 30, and there's around an 80% chance I'll live.

(The Think! for a reason slogan appears)

NC: How about the lesson of NOT HITTING ANY KIDS?!

NC (vo): Yeesh, a good message and all

British Announcer: The Boy who didn't stop, look and listen.

NC: Of course that's the title!

NC: I'm gonna see if their neighbor Ireland has some pretty chipper PSAs.

Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA
(TV static transition to: Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA)

NC: STOP MAKING ME WATCH YOU, YOU WELL-MEANING PSYCHOS!!