Bridge to Terabithia

(The opening)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, ever since I did my Princess Hate video, I kinda maybe sorta said I'd do Bridge to Terabithia at some point. The responses have ranged from "Oh boy, when're you gonna do that?" to "If you touch that timeless treasure I will impale your testicles on a set of toothpicks." Ha! Joke's on you! I haven't felt any feeling down there because of scenes like this!

(Clips of Suburban Knights and TGWTG Team Brawl in which NC's balls are abused)

NC: Well, I'm not one to disagree with other people's opinions... unless they're stupid and not mine. This is Bridge to Terabithia.

NC (vo): Based on the beloved children's novel from the 70's, Disney decided to use this story as a means of realizing that their family death toll is a little too high -- at least in age. We can kill 'em younger, can't we? Isn't that our goal? To show kids what a beautiful world it is by making them realize death can take it away from them at any moment? When you wish upon a-- The reaper's coming, bitches! Hide!

NC: But to be fair, that's not the only reason to find it underwhelming. The others? Well, let's take a look at Bridge to Terabithia.

NC (vo): We open with our main character named Jess, played by Josh Hutcherson, who lives next to a greenhouse run by his father Robert Patrick, still upset he'll never be allowed to do a role as good as the T-1000. But at least he's been working on his Red Green impression.

Jack: They make them the same. You know, these vegetables are part of our livelihood. You got your chores done?

Red: You ever notice how winding your window down by hand makes you look lower-middle class?

NC (vo): Jess is getting ready to participate in a track race today. The only downside? He doesn't have the right shoes.

Mary: You could hardly call them sneakers anymore. I threw them out.

Jess: What?

Mary: There's a perfectly good old pair of Brenda's that I put out for you.

Jess: These are girls' ones.

NC (vo): Oh, come on. Just write "Friendship is Magic" on the side, and at least the bronies will leave you alone.

(Movie clip continues as Jess stares at an ant and his family talks in the background)

NC (vo): Wow. Apparently the movie's already so bored, it decided to follow an ant. That's a bad sign. But Jess's plan to cover up his shoes doesn't work as the stock bully gang is ready to pounce on him.

Scott: Sweet sneaks, Aarons. You wear your sisters' hand-me-down underwear too? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep. Know what that is? My loser detector.

NC: Um... zing?

Gary: He asked you a question, twinkle toes. You're dead meat.

NC: (in goofy voice) Huh-huh. I hold[?] my insults towards after-school specials of the 80's.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: There's a million wild and wonderful ways to say no

NC (vo): Actually, this does bring up one of the major problems with the movie. The book was written in the 70's, which is fine. But if you're gonna update to present day, you have to do exactly that: update it. And some of the dialogue here is clearly very dated. I mean, when's the last time you ever heard a kid say "dead meat"? But this kid acts like it's the holy grail of insults that nobody will ever be able to top him on. Listen to him. He's obsessed with the phrase.

(Spliced-together clips of Gary Fulcher saying "dead meat")

NC: (in goofy voice) "Dead meat"! Huh-huh! I'm so texting that zinger to my friends! (phone rings, NC answers)

Guy on other end: "Dead meat"! Hilarious!

NC: Yeah, I know!

Guy on other end: Huh-huh!

NC: Huh-huh!

NC (vo): We then see the entrance of our other lead Leslie, played by AnnaSophia Robb, who I swear is the first human being to be physically photoshopped to look like a plastic Disney product. I'm serious! Look at her! Make a toy out of that face! It'll sell!

Leslie: I don't use my Barbies much anymore. If you want, you can have them.

May Belle: Thanks.

Leslie: (voiced over by NC) What do I need them for? I am the Barbie.

NC (vo): She's like a compilement of lesser child stars to create the ultimate in purified Disney unholiness.

NC: I hear there's even a plot among the Disney Princesses to take away all her enchanted perfections.

(Cut to shot of Tiana, Cinderella, Ariel, and Snow White in a warehouse looking at picture of Leslie Burke)

Cinderella: First we'll start with her cheekbones.

Snow White: Yes. Then her perfect little eyes.

(A rustling off-screen, and the four Princesses look angrily at the camera)

Cinderella: Ariel. Deal with it.

(Ariel pulls out a glock and fires at the camera, cutting back to the movie)

NC (vo): But is she just as perfect and endearing as the other Disney female leads? Does this movie like to dress their heroines like an imploding Punky Brewster?

(Clip of Leslie beating Jess in a relay race)

Jess: (voiced over by NC) But wait! I'm wearing girls' shoes! Shouldn't I, like, absorb their power?

NC (vo): So it turns out Leslie lives right next door to Jess. But he doesn't let that quirky nothing-wrong-with-herness get the best of him, as he's got the hots for someone else: a teacher played by Zooey Deschanel, star of the hit television show Filler after the Mindy Project. Check your whitest friends for listings.

Ms. Edmunds and students: (singing) Why can't we be friends/Why can't we be friends/Why can't we be friends/Why can't we be friends/I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown...

NC (vo): Um... Are you sure this movie wasn't meant to be called "Bridge to Non-offensia"? This world is so blandly upbeat, I'd swear it was a gum commercial.

(Clip of Leslie offering Jess a stick of Juicy Fruit)

NC: (looking flabbergasted) ...Really, Disney? You don't have enough money for backing that you had to go to Juicy Fruit?

Spokesman Voiceover (by Malcolm Ray): Juicy Fruit -- The Gum of Contrived, Unmotivated Disney Moments Everywhere

(Classic Walt Disney Pictures jingle plays as on-screen caption changes to "That Just Bought Us 5 More Disney Sequels!")

NC (vo): While Jess still has the hots for "500 Days of Blandness", he does find his interest in Leslie does seem to grow as he finds out more about her, especially when the teacher calls her up to read a paper she's very fond of entitled...

Teacher: "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus" by Leslie Burke.

NC (vo): Wow! Um... this reading brought to you by the Incredibly Ironic Institute of Pulling at Your Collars Going "Nyo-ho-ho-ho!"

Leslie: "I'm floating in silence. Above me, there's nothing but shimmery light, the place where I've come from, and will go back to when I am done here."

NC (vo): Oh, come on! This is like John Bobbitt's favorite song being "Walk Like a Man"!

Leslie: "...where a school of silver fish wait. As I swim through the water, bubbles burst from me, wobbling like little jellyfish as they rise.

NC: Uhhh, what does his father grow in his greenhouse again?

NC (vo): Actually, this would be an interesting idea if he fantasized like this, as the credits make it look like that's actually sort of the angle they're going for. Like maybe his drawing is the visual style of his fantasy. But strangely enough, the rest of the movie is done with 3D CGI. So this is the only time this style is ever used. Yeah. Kind of inconsistent, huh? It's like if, for some reason, I change up styles in the middle of the review to reflect something like Frank Miller.

(Shot of NC on a rooftop with a sprawling city as the backdrop; there are bandages on his face, and besides him stands Malcolm Ray dressed in Nazi attire; everything is in black and white, with sirens and gunshots in the background)

NC: Hey, Samuel L. Jackson.

Malcolm: I'm a Nazi for some reason.

NC: I in no way question that.

NC (vo): He starts to hang out with Leslie more and more, and they find they have quite the rapport. And by "rapport", I mean she says something enchanting and he stares at her with awe.

Leslie: Show me that you hear us!

(Movie's musical score swells)

NC: Okay. Can we have a name for this look? You know, this one? (imitates Jess's enchanted face)

NC (vo): That dumbass expression when something says something that the movie obviously wants to shove in your face was magical so they give an awkward, quiet pause?

(Caption appears on-screen reading "Whimsical Digestion")

NC (vo): "Whimsical digestion". Those painful moments where a character has to reflect on just how wondrous the movie they're in is.

(Shot of NC making the "whimsical digestion" face several times)

Leslie: Race you to the end of the road. On your mark, get set, go!

Leslie: (voiced over by NC) Come on! Over here is a moment anyone not going through a midlife crisis would find pointlessly endearing!

(Clip of Jess and Leslie running down a grassy road)

NC: Oh-ho! Running's magical!

Leslie: Hey! Look at that! Cool!

Jess: That's been there forever. I wouldn't trust it.

NC (vo): With foreshadowing music like that, I think we could call it the death rope.

(Clip of Leslie swinging from the "death rope")

NC (vo): Okay. Even as enchanted moments go, this is really pushing it. It's a friggin' rope! When you look back on childhood, you might see this as something more remarkably innocent, but when you're a kid... it's a friggin' rope!

Leslie: Let your head hang back and watch the clouds.

NC (vo): Well, maybe Jess can pop some sense into her overly whimsical ways-- Oh, come on! Is fucking everything gonna be like this? Is every little mundane thing gonna be an incredible adventure of laugh and whimsy? Imagine if I did every little mundane thing like this!

(Close-up shot of NC making the "whimsical digestion" face into the camera; a pan out shows him sitting on the toilet gaily waving his arms around, complete with fart noises; outside the bathroom, Rachel Tietz and Malcolm pound on the door)

Rachel: Come on, Critic! We really have to go!

NC: But it's so whimsical in here!

Malcolm: Live your childhood fantasies somewhere else!

(The toilet is heard flushing, and NC emerges with a pout)

NC: You guys are so not enchanting.

(As NC walks past, Malcolm slips into the bathroom and closes the door)

Rachel: Oh! Wha-!

(Rachel presses her ear to the door and hears Bridge to Terabithia's sweeping musical score)

Rachel: OH, COME ON!

Malcolm: Wheeeeeeeeee!

NC (vo): So Leslie, being so inspiringly wow, suggests that they make their own little world.

Leslie: We need a place. Just for us. What if there was a magical kingdom that only we knew about?

Leslie: (voiced over by NC) One we can use a ton of false advertising to trick Narnia fans into seeing.

Jess: Leslie!

Leslie: Come on!

Jess: Wait up!

Jess: (voiced over by NC) Help! Your talk of obvious fictional worlds in a public forest during the incredibly sunny daytime is scaring me!

Jess: What am I looking for exactly?

Leslie: Just close your eyes, but keep your mind wide open.

Jess: What do we call this place?

Leslie: Terabithia.

Leslie: (voiced over by NC) I'm so perfect and inspired, I came up with that fitting name in one try. I also have an idea for a young adult series that rips off Battle Royale.

Jess: (voiced over by NC) Sounds trite.

NC (vo): Leslie continues to make up details about her fictional world. But is it me or is her dedication sounding less charming and more psychotically specific?

Leslie: Too bad for them. They got so close.

Jess: What are you talking about?

Leslie: To the kingdom.

Jess: What's that?

Leslie: That's the sound of the prisoners rattling their chains.

Jess: What prisoners?

Leslie: The prisoners of the Dark Master.

(Shot of NC looking disturbed)

Leslie: Jess, you and I have been sent to free them. Prisoners of the Dark Master! We have come to free you! See them? Up there?

Jess: Yeah.

Leslie: Do you? Really?

NC (vo): Yeah... Maybe a little too into our little world, aren't we?

Leslie: Warriors.

Jess: Try dragonflies.

Leslie: No, they're warriors. We rule Terabithia, and nothing crushes us! You better not let the Terabithians hear you.

Jess: I don't know this game.

Leslie: What game? This is for real.

NC (vo): Why do I see years later a very disturbing reunion when they meet up again?

(Cut to a sketch of future Jess (played by Doug Walker) and Leslie (Rachel) at a dinner table)

Future Jess: Well, Leslie, thank you so much for dinner. You know, it's so good to see you've been doing so well after all these years.

Future Leslie: Of course, Jess.

Future Jess: God, it takes me back to when we were little kids. Oh, hey! Remember that, uh, fantasy world we made up when we were younger?

Future Leslie: Terabithia?

Future Jess: Yeah, yeah. God, those were magical times. Remember how we used to pretend we used to live there?

Future Leslie: What are you talking about? I'm still there.

Future Jess: ...What?

Future Leslie: The Terabithians miss you, Jess. They would like their king to rule with their queen once more.

Future Jess: ...Oh, wow! Look at the time! Uh, I gotta go do some, uh, sane things... away from you.

(Future Jess backs into the door and quickly lets himself out; future Leslie goes into another room where Malcolm is rope-bound to a chair)

Future Leslie: Let me show you more about Terabithia.

Malcolm: Please, I'm hungry and I need food!

Future Leslie: This is where the evil trolls live. Do you see?

Malcolm: No!

Future Leslie: Do you see?

Malcolm: No! There's nothing there! Those are blank slides!

Future Leslie: Oh, dear. The Terabithians are telling me that someone might need another scrotum waxing.

Malcolm: I mean yes! Yes! I see! I see!

Future Leslie: Oh, good! I thought you'd be like all the others that didn't see.

(Future Leslie and Malcolm look off-screen toward a pile of skeletons)

Future Leslie: We rule Terabithia, and nothing crushes us.

(Malcolm cries as we go to commercial)