Conquest of the Commercials

(We have the ususal intro, but it is interrupted by NC)

NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the opening.

(quickly cut to NC sitting down on his couch)

Segata Sanshiro
(TV static transition to Segata Sanshiro campaign.)

NC (vo): Okay, we've gotta get the bad taste of that commercial out of our heads. So lets travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro! The most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing: If you're off to play baseball, he beat the shit out of you, and say "Play Saturn!" instead!

Baseball kid: せがた三四郎. . . (Segata Sanshiro...)

Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo): Going out dancing tonight? Fuck that noise, you're playing Saturn now!

Party Guest: せがた三四郎. . . (Segata Sanshiro...)

Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo) Hey look, it's Santa! Oh shit, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!

Kid: (crying) せがた三四郎！(Segata Sanshiro!)

Segata Sanshiro: うわあ！(ARGH!)

(Kids start crying)

NC (vo): When he wasn't pounding the console into you, both figuratively and literally, he was winning soccer games, beating skaters without skates, killing zombies, falling in love, and training to his kickass theme song!

Singers: せがた三四郎！せがた三四郎！セガサタン、シロ ！(Segata Sanshiro! Segata Sanshiro! You must play Sega Saturn!)

NC (vo): This guy is AMAZING! He's like Chuck Norris realized! You know, like if you have Chuck Norris and took out the homophobes stuff you'd have Segata! He's like a myth they talk about in stories, if that myth had a physical form that can punch you! He's one of the phenomenal things to hit television!

NC: Sadly though, every myth has to die.

(Cut to the final Segata Sanshiro commercial about the unveiling of the Dreamcast)

NC (vo): Eeyep! They actually killed off Segata in the only way Segata can die: Stopping a nuclear warhead from destroying Sega by jumping off a building, propelling back with his own feet and launching it into space! It was... pretty emotional.

Sega Girl: (crying) せがた三四郎！！ (Segata Sanshiro!!)

(The missile heads into space with Sanshiro with Captions translating (which I am doing.))

Segata Sanshiro: セガサタン、シロ ！(すすり泣き) セガサタン、シロおお！！ (You must play Sega Saturn! (sobs) You must play Sega Saturn!!)

(The missile explodes, killing Segata. RIP Segata Sanshiro: 1997-1998)

Announcer (vo): せがた三四郎は、君たちの心に. (Segata Sanshiro will live forever in our hearts.)

(NC Cries)

NC: We will never forget you, Segata! We'll ironically forget the Sega Saturn, it's not around anymore, BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON!

NC (vo): He's one of the awesome series of commercials ever, and I proudly support a beating of me, if it means seeing more of his incredibleness!

Singers: セガサタン、シロ ！(You must play Sega Saturn!)

(NC salutes to the late Sanshiro.)

Note: Transcription not yet complete