Three Cups of Tea

Title Card: And now, a review of Three Cups of Tea by Nagisa Momoe.

Nagisa: THIS FANFIC WAS THE CHEESE! So it starts off like "Steve likes to see him." Nagisa mimics the Blue's Clues theme song - silly Nagisa, this is Steve Rogers.

Nagisa: And then they're like "Steve took Peter's virginity earlier!" And then it's like... Nagisa badly mimics the sound of two people doing...you know what

Nagisa: And Peter's just like, it's a guy who's also a spider you know, and it's so cool! And he's just like... “S-Steve, ah, ah-”

Nagisa: Steve's like "So good for me, babe~" And then Peter starts crying like... Nagisa makes distressed, squeaky mewling sounds

Nagisa: And Steve's like 'stop crying'... But then his tongue is like... Imitation of inappropriate sounds again

Nagisa: AND IT'S SUPER GENTLE TOO! And he's treating Peter "fine like silk but fragile like paper"... Even though Peter was apparently able to lift a building off of himself. Nagisa mimics the sound of concrete breaking

Nagisa: And Steve's just like "kissy kiss! Mimics kissing

Nagisa: And Peter releases come streams like BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! And then Steve's like "Way to go! Good baby boy!" And Peter's like: mimics humming

Nagisa: And then another guy pops up, and it's TONY STARK! HOLY FUCK! IRON MAN IS IN THIS FANFIC! And he drags Peter into his workshop.

Nagisa: And it's brutal! Goddamn! And he's got the same "good baby boy!" and everything, and he's hard-fucking-core! And he makes Peter yell: "MR. STARK IT HURTS SO GOOD!" And they're like "Bucky is different." And Bucky is like, a fucking WINTER SOLIDER! He's this mysterious man! You just wouldn't believe it, it's just right for Peter! Mimics yet more inappropriate sounds.

Nagisa: And Peter's like "HNNNNNNNGGGG!" And then he's like "Your actual name is James so I'll call you that!" Sound of squeaky moaning again

Nagisa: And the narrator's like "He's safe with Steve, complete with Tony, home with Bucky." And everyone reading's like... Mimics the sound of intense sobbing

Nagisa: And then they're like "They make breakfast." Sounds of bacon frying.

Nagisa: And then it's like "Safe. Complete. Home." And then it's like the end, and everyone is like..."WHOO! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! WE DID IT! WE WORE OUT PETER'S PARKER!" ...So it was good. Nagisa collapses