Tekken (2010)

(Before we get to the episode, a warning is placed. WARNING: The following episode contains scenes of strobe lighting. Your head may explode. Viewer discretion is advised)

Spoony: So after suffering through this horrendous anime, (pointing to the dvd for the anime Tekken) I guess the next thing to do is to cover the live action Tekken movie. (Holding the bluray copy of the live action movie) And really, I have a hard time believing it could get much worse.

(Suddenly Film Brain)

FB: Hey! I was gonna review that!

Spoony: Well tough noogies, Film Brain. Because this is a Tekken movie, and I am the Lord of Tekken!

FB: Oh yeah? (holding onto a game token) Well we'll just see about that.

Spoony: Well hang on a second, what are you doing? (Film Brain puts the token in and now it says "Here comes a new challenger! FB also has his fists put up) Hey! You can't do that! This is my show!

FB: Well it takes two to Tekken. (holding the dvd) So let's do this thing! Roll the intro!

(Now we come to the opening for the Spoony Experiment. At the end, we also get the graphic for Bad Movie Beatdown 3)

Spoony: Yyyyup. There's a live action Tekken movie found filling up space at your local video store with the rest of the direct to video trash.

Spoony (vo): Actually, direct to video is unfair. This was actually a theatrical release. (The Japanese poster for the movie is shown) Just not in the USA. No, this movie premiered in Japan where it made less than a million dollars at the box office which is pretty painful when you consider this film had a $35 million budget.

Spoony: That's right, when even Japan doesn't give a shit about your video game movie, you should probably cut your losses.

FB: Although maybe Japan figured that after Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, this was going to suck. Hard. I mean, look at the people who worked on this movie.

(Cut to a clip from the movie, showing the director is Dwight Little)

FB (vo): The film's directed by Dwight H. Little, who has put his name on (as he speaks, the posters of the movie pop up) Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Murder At 1600, and, um...Free Willy 2? (The movie now goes to a clip that shows the Screenplay is by Alan B. McElroy) The writer is Alan B. McElroy, who authored such cinematic blights as (the posters appear for each movie named) Spawn, The Marine, and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.

FB: With credentials like that, it's not a question of "will it be bad," but "how much?"

(Now we go to the movie showing lights around the world going off)

FB (vo): So the film begins by explaining how after a huge World War, governments fell and coporations took control as the world descended into anarchy. Shown in stock footage from films such as The Siege and XXX.

FB: Borrowing footage from those crappy movies in the first 30 seconds is not a good start.

(Back to the movie as our hero of the story, Jin Kazama, narrates)

Jin (narrating): Eight companies survived and divided up the world. Those companies were collectively known as Iron Fist. The American territories fell to the mightiest corporation of all: Tekken.

Spoony: So there's a company called Tekken, which is Japanese for iron fist, in a collection of companies also called Iron Fist. This must make things terribly confusing for the Japanese.

FB (vo): So we meet Jin, played by Jon Foo. We then have this very odd flashforward to events later in the movie with Jin fighting in the Iron Fist Tournament.

FB: It's like they were trying to reassure the audience, "Don't worry, it is actually a Tekken movie."

Spoony (vo): Flashforward out of the way, we see Jin getting chased in the slums, known as the Anvil, which lies on the outskirts of Tekken City.

Spoony: Of course it's called Tekken City. What in the hell else are you gonna call it?

Spoony (vo): If nothing else about this sequence, you can tell that noted freerunner Cyril Raffaelli worked on the action sequences for the film, because that's how Jin outruns his pursuers.

FB (vo): If you've seen District 13, the move should be quite familiar. Jin manages to evade his pursuers. He works as a smuggler getting illegal items, including for this resistance outfit.

Bonner: Hey, this is real music, not that corporate shit they play in the city.

Jin: What was that song you were playing last week? The, uh, Roaches?

Bonner: The Beatles. You see what I'm talking about? Loss of art. The end of creative thought.

FB: Yeah, they were influenced by the Monkees. And by the way, a video game adaptation probably shouldn't be complaining about a lack of creative thought.

(The leader presses a button on a round device)

Leader: 20,000 gigs (in that case, 20 terabytes (TB)), get some serious speed with this.

Jin: For what?

Bonner: Secret internet. New underground off the Tekken subgrid.

Jin: Sorry I asked.

Bonner: If we had a choice, free market, justice system. Now everything's Tekken.

(Cut to a clip of Edgar Friendly from Demolition Man)

Edgar: I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon, and butter, and buckets of cheese, okay?

Bonner: Keep the change.

(Bonner throws down a roll of red bills. Jin picks up his payment)

Jin: What's this, Bonner? You said global dollars.

(Bonner throws down the global dollars)

Bonner: We good?

Jin: Now we're good.

Spoony: (holding colored cards) I will not accept your crummy Bison dollars! Only global dollars for me!

Spoony (vo): As Jin walks by an open call for the Iron Fist Tournament, we get our first look at Heiha--(after looking at him, he laughs)

Spoony: (in a goofy voice) Hey kids! It's the Kooky the Klown Show! (imitating circus music, then imitating a clown) Uh-huh, how you doing, children?

FB: Don't laugh. That's Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat. (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa He looks like he could still suck out your soul if he needed to.

Spoony: I know, I know! But he has all this wealth and he styles his hair like that?

Spoony (vo): (noticing Heihachi's eyebrows) Oh my god! And look, he has the huge eyebrows, too!

Spoony: (having the eyebrows from the anime review) They are, after all, the Mishima family tradition.

Spoony (vo): So the eight corporations that run the world, known as Iron Fist, are going to participate in the Iron Fist Tournament in Iron Fist City where the Iron Fist corporation is the reigning champion. We also meet Heihachi's son, Kazuya, and even though he was not thrown off a cliff in this movie, their family relationship is still quite tense. Possibly because he didn't get the same fucking goofy haircut as his father.

Spoony: And by the way, (showing the game version of Kazuya on the left) this guy doesn't look a single goddamn thing like he does in the game. It's like they went down a checklist of really obvious villain traits and just gave him all of them. The only thing he's missing is a set of fucking demon horns.

FB (vo): But Heihachi wants to give opportunities to his son, so he gives Kazuya control of the stormtroopers, sorry, Jackhammers in charge of security.

FB: This guy is totally trustworthy. I'm sure he won't use his power to betray you later.

FB (vo): The future is also remarkably more Demolition Man than first thought because it turns out that oranges, coffee and chocolate are all smuggled items gotten from pimps. So what the hell do these people eat? Taco Bell?

(Quick clip of Demolition Man)

John Spartan: Lord knows I wouldn't mind a burrito.

FB (vo): Okay, we get an answer when Jin returns home to his mother, Jun.

Jun: You hungry? I've been rationing protein squares.

Spoony: Protein squares? That's what I like to call pop-tarts.

FB: Mm, sounds...delicious.

Spoony (vo): An argument is sparked about Jin's smuggling, yadda yadda. What's the over/under on how long she's got to live? Because her life expectancy right now is shorter than Uncle Ben's.

FB (vo): Ultimately, Jin throws a hissy fit and storms outside despite curfew, and he encounters Kara, his...girlfriend, I guess? (Jin and Kara are getting it on in) Who cares? It's time for gratuitous sexy time!

Spoony (vo): This scene is really annoyingly intercut with Kazuya breaking into the rebel compound and killing everyone. (scenes of the lovemaking are shown in between shots of Kazuya tearing the base apart) They also take this opportunity to break into Jin's home looking for him due to his smuggling.

Jackahmmer: Sir, we've located the insurgent in Sector 9.

Kazuya: Burn everything.

Jackhammer: But sir, our men are still in there.

Kazuya: I don't care. Destroy it!

FB: He's an evil villain stereotype. He doesn't care about his own men, even when that probably wouldn't look good to daddy dearest.

Spoony (vo): Jin gets home just in time to see the whole place get blown the fuck up by a cruise missile. (Jin's home is blown up by a missile, blowing him back) (mock sadness) Noooo! You will live on in our hearts, Jun! All two minutes of you.

Jin: I should've been here. She asked me not to go.

Kara: It's not your fault.

(Cut to a clip of Spider-Man 1)

Peter Parker: The last thing I said to him, he tried to tell me something important. And I threw it in his face.

(Now a clip from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: There's nothing you could've done, Luke, had you been there. You could've been killed, too.

FB: As you can tell from those clips, this story is breathtakingly original and not generic at all.

FB (vo): Jin goes through his mother's possessions and finds his mother's old ID when she used to work for Tekken, and swears vengeance on Heihachi. He figures the best way to do this is to compete in the open call for a place in the Iron Fist Tournament. There we meet Steve Fox, played by direct to video favorite Luke Goss, who has a bit of a thing for the word "wanker."

Big guy: To hell with this.

Steve: Wanker!

Steve: You're a bunch of wankers, every last one of you!

FB (vo): Jin's opponent in the cage is Marshall Law, and he's been eating fighters for breakfast.

(Another clip of Spider-Man 1)

Bonesaw: I got you for three minutes! Three minutes of playtime!

Jin: I'm going to Iron Fist and you're in my way.

Spoony: (still pissed about "you're in my way") Oh shut the fuck up, you--!! (calms down) Sorry, heh. Sorry, reflex.

Spoony (vo): You know how Marshall Law is obviously meant to be Bruce Lee in the video games? Yeah, forget about that, because the filmakers didn't notice. He looks nothing like him, he acts nothing like him, and he doesn't fight like him. (cut to a clip of The Clones of Bruce Lee) Hell, the Clones of Bruce Lee were more Bruce Lee than this guy! Hey, quick, Jin, find some grass!

FB (vo): Despite receiving a firm asskicking, Jin suddenly has memories of his mum training him, and he promptly turns the bout in his favor. Steve wants to be Jin's manager.

Steve: What's your name?

Jin: Jin.

Spoony: Apparently he missed the huge crowd chanting his name.

FB: And while we're on the subject, how will the crowd know his name if it was unannounced?

Spoony (vo): Elsewhere, despite having incestuous threeway sex with the beautiful Williams sisters, Kazuya still can't get his jealousy for his father out of his head.

Kazuya: What's the old man waiting for? I'm his son. His heir. Tekken should be mine. Now.

Spoony: (imitating Kazuya having sex) Yeah, fuck my father. Fuck him, ahh! (acting like he finished too quick) Oh, oh god. I'm sorry, that happens all the time.

FB (vo): His father is none too pleased about his son's reckless shaggery.

Heihachi: Winning Iron Fist means power and prestige for Tekken. And honor for the Mishima name. Winning here means we win in the world.

Spoony: I am still amazingly confused what winning a tournament means in the grand scheme of political power and economics. How does winning a martial arts tournament influence any of that?

FB: You gotta admit that if they just took this idea a few steps further and have companies fight for control of each other, that would be very interesting. And it would certainly bring a whole new meaning to the term "hostile takeover."

FB (vo): Jin is taken to Tekken City. He'll fight alongside Raven, Eddie Gordo, Sergei Dragunov, the Williams sisters, Christie Montiero, Miguel Rojo, Yoshimitsu, and the reigning champ, Gary Daniels' Bryan Fury. The footage here is so blatantly taken from later in the movie because they're punching Jin in the face. Jin meets them for the first time and using the same thinking with his penis that got him here in the first place instantly moves to Christie and obviously stares at her...um, moves.

Christie: You know it's rude to stare.

Jin: Sorry, I was just admiring your toes.

Christie: Excuse me?

Jin: I mean, bogwai chan* requires very precise foot placement and the way you spread your toes, it's, um, impressive.

[Editor's note: Not sure what he said there, but going with what it sounded like]

FB: Ooh, bad form at the start but good recovery. Jin's obviously a bit of a player.

FB (vo): And I do mean that by the way, because Christie is Jin's love interest for the movie. What about Kara? Just forget about her because Jin doesn't give a flying fuck. Ten seconds of staring at Christies butt is enough to make him ditch fidelity.

Spoony (vo): So it's time for the Iron Fist Tournament to begin, starting with Eddie Gordo vs. Raven, who are chosing using the video game method of random character selection.

Announcer: Raven vs. Eddie Gordo! In the first round of the Iron Fists Tournament. (a caption below says "Iron Fists?")

Spoony (vo): Ha ha, wait. They actually have random stage selection, too? They even set up a little castle for them to fight in with a mountain backdrop. Oh, this is adorable! UFC needs to set up little styrofoam battle locations instead of a boring old cage. I'd love to see mixed martial arts battles take place in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Oh, and is Raven really gonna fight with his glasses on? That seems...unwise.

FB (vo): The fight scenes in this movie are actually quite decent, despite the fact we barely know anything about these fighters. Unfortunately, they do have a tendecy to be over very quickly as Raven soon knocks out Gordo. Up next is Jin vs. Miguel. The fight is pretty much in Jin's favor, except for a period when Miguel gets the upper hand, when Jin has another vision of his mum that helps him fight back and win.

FB: I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.

FB (vo): Jin is such a mama's boy in this movie. Everytime things aren't going his way, his mum shows up for advice. It's bloody repetitive!

Kazuya: Congratulations on a spectacular fight. There's something familiar about your style. Did your father ever fight in Iron Fist?

Jin: Didn't know my father.

Kazuya: Well, not uncommon in the Anvil.

FB: Foreshadowing!

Spoony (vo): Christie sneaks Jin out to a nightclub and (noticing Christie's...pants) oh my god! This woman is a walking ass shot! Her pants ride so low it's like staring down the Grand Canyon. She's about one step away from assless chaps. No wonder Jin keeps following her. They even throw in a dance scene for more ass shots for fucksake! They sneak back, but Christie says she needs to sleep. Look at that guy's face. That is a man with the most savage case of blueballs ever.

FB (vo): The lights suddenly cut out--(the lights begin flashing in the room) aaah, incoming seizure!

Spoony (vo): Jin's being attacked by the Williams sisters who, in case you forgot, are assassins by trade. God, this scene is an instant headache. It reminds me of that shootout from Alone in the Dark, except this was better done in that movie.

Spoony: When you're making Uwe Boll's direction look good, you seriously fucked up!

Spoony (vo): And whose bright idea was it to have them fight him barehanded? You could have picked any other way and it would've worked better.

Spoony: I dunno. Shooting him, bombing him, maybe a nice, discreet poisoning. Am I missing anything, Matthew?

FB (vo): No, not really. I like the poisoning one actually because that's a lot more discreeet. A guy beat up in his dressing room is not gonna look like an accident.