The Smurfs 2

(We start off with the Sequel Month: The Sequel title card before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic, who's still upset at having to review these stinkers)

NC: (flatly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) Blue-related pun, I don't know. I just wanna get this review over with.

(Clips of the movie are shown)

NC (vo): After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash-hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone–

NC: Actually, let's make this easier. The upside is it made a lot of money.

NC (vo): And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.

NC: And seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you–

(We cut to Andre the Black Nerd's room, who is not speaking in his nasally nerd voice on the phone while eating almonds)

Andre: What up, homie? Hey, put me down for $200 on the Patriots losing, aight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying? (NC is quite confused at what he's seeing) When you gonna come back here with my bone, a'ight? I gots to get high. Man, (in his nerd voice) Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer (normal voice) and I can't do that unless I get blazed as fuuuck. Hey, man, Imma have to call you back. There's a White Walker present. (he hangs up) Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.

NC: Um, hi, Black Nerd. I was reviewing Smurfs 2 and was wondering–

Andre: Oh, I get it, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?

NC: W-w-well, I don't know about my ass's punk qualities, but–

Andre: Here's what's wrong with you, man. You think this all there is to me, think I'm all just Smurfs and Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and Tiny Toon Adventures and shit?

NC: I-I-I don't know.

Andre: I'm a grown-ass man. And what about you? You sit around all day watching '80s and '90s kids TV shows and movies?

NC: (mumbling) I don't know.

Andre: That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. Imma pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that Imma sell on eBay... that fell off a truck. You ain't hear that from me. A'ight, man. Peace, loser. (stands up and leaves)

NC: Yeah, that's right. You better run.

(Andre comes right back!)

Andre: What'd you say, punk?!

NC: Nothing! Nothing!

Andre: Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way, (nerd voice) call me when you do a Smurfs: The Lost Village review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp! (normal) Ya punk-ass motherfucker!

NC: Well, I'll show him who's got a life. I'm reviewing Smurfs 2! (nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in)

(The movie begins, with a book on Smurfology)

NC (vo): The film opens with Smurfology... Isn't that the church Tom Cruise belongs to?

Narrator: The evil wizard Gargamel was concocting a diabolical plan!

NC: (nodding) Definitely the same church.

NC (vo): ...as the narrator gives the backstory of how their only female, Smurfette, entered their group as a creation of Gargamel to infiltrate them.

Narrator: Papa saw the good in her. He turned her into a true blue Smurf.

NC (vo): Uh, what did he do to her in there? Is it the same treatment Link gets when he goes into that woman's house to regain life?

NC: 'Cause if so, this'll be more than a PG.

NC (vo): But it seems like she still may have a little bit of evil in her.

(Smurfette turns from blue to gray, which means she's evil again, and she encounters some Smurfs)

Clumsy: She's got a Dragon's Wand!

(Smurfette shoots the Smurfs and laughs evilly along with Gargamel (played again by Hank Azaria) and Azrael the cat. But it's revealed it was all a nightmare, and Smurfette wakes up)

NC (vo): (as Smurfette) Oh, it was all just a bad movie.

Papa: (enters his house) Smurfette, you okay?

NC (vo): (as Papa) I heard you from my peeking porch outside your window.

Papa: (comforting the crying Smurfette) There, there. Everything's going to be fine.

NC: (as Papa) Now, I'm sure you were gonna take a shower or something, so why don't you get to that?