Begging the Question

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Constant viewers will have been here through a cavalcade of crazy. Over and over and over, we've taken the snapshots of life that play out like mental train wrecks, moments in people's lives that act like tombstones for their dignity. And each time I leave this chair, put down the camera and go out into the world--Yes, it does happen, shut up.--I'm always left with one single burning question, one recurring thought, one constant quandry. It is this: (echoing) WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!? (normal voice) Why do people do this stuff? When faced with the option to order chicken parmesan, or Peking duck, why do they instead choose to set fire to the waiter? Why do people keep finding new and unusual things to stuff in their butts? Why does a man wake up one morning and think to himself, "Yes, today is the day I shall finally make love to a squid?" Why why why why!? Not following me? Well, looks like this is the part where I elaborate. (he turns to his computer, then turns his head back to the camera) Why!?

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History of Cognition")

Nash (vo): Human beings are gifted with the capacity to understand causality, the link between cause and effect. It's one of the basic fundamentals of reason and logic. (Stick Boy is standing on a cliff, holding a rock) We can observe that a rock is released from your hand, (the rock falls off the clif) it drops. (Stick Boy is using a magnifying glass under the sun to roast a copy of Glenn Beck's "An Inconvenient Book") We can observe that if an object is heated, it burns. (Stick Boy is now holding a remote in front of a yapping dog) We can observe that that if you drop a burning rock on the neighbor's dog, it finally shuts up. (Stick Boy presses a button, but the burning rock falls on him, the dog still yapping) What this means is that, eventually, we learn to predict the outcomes of our actions. This method forms the basis for pretty much every learned skill we acquire. Everything from tying our shoes to sending a man on the moon. While our innate curiosity is vast, it's also curbed by our understanding that some things just shouldn't be done, lest we suffer for them. Yet every single day we face examples of our fellow man disregarding this innate means of self preservation, but giving it the finger just for good measure. (during that sentence, a clip is played of a man taking a taser to his arm and dropping like a bag of rocks) While to most, if not all of us, it would seem like a bad idea, (Stick Boy's by a switch while Crazy Stick Boy has wires connected to his crotch, covered by a CENSORED bar) you can be assured that somewhere in the world right now, someone has a high voltage line wired straight to their junk. (Stick Boy just shrugs and pulls the switch to on, only to get crushed by a burning rock)

Nash: Well, now that I've given my quandry a little context, it's time to hit our first story. From Tempe, Arizona, a man shows us there are limits to loving your country. And that limit is usually...your penis.

(The report is titled "Chandler Man Arrested on Suspsicion of Masturbating in Front of Woman who was Dressed as Statue of Liberty")

Nash (vo): When tax time rolls around, most of us face it with dread, but not 42-year old Kevin Theriault. Local accountants often advertise with women dressed in Statue of Liberty costumes, and old Kevin went out to show his appreciation...by dropping trou and displaying to Lady Liberty his own personal rockets red glare.

Nash: Wha...what the fuck? Who gets turned on by the Statue of Liberty?

(We cut to a clip of Ghostbusters 2 with the guys at the Statue)

Pete: Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Ray: Wonder what?

Pete: Whether she's naked under that toga.

Nash: That doesn't count! Anyone who willingly had sex with Sigourney Weaver does NOT get a vote in this matter! But, it gets even better. Kevin didn't do this just the once. No no, he happily rang his Liberty Bell three times at the woman over the course of a few weeks! And I must ask here, why!? What possible world was the outcome of this going to be anything but, "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your cell mate, Big Charlie?" Next time instead of jerking off at the mascot, why don't you do what everyone else does: get fucked by Uncle Sam. Next in our tour of the madness, we head to New Zealand, where...argle flargle blargle! No, that-that's not a typo on the teleprompter, that's...the best approximation of what the hell happened.

(The report is titled "Naked man threw tennis balls at cars")

Nash (vo): An unnamed man turned up in an Auckland suburb with an armload of tennis balls...and nothing else. Not even his clothes. He pelted passing cars with his balls, of which type, take your pick, until police arrived at which point he violently attacked them until he had to be restrained.

Nash: (struggling to come up with words) I got nothing. Brad Pitt, help a brother out!

(We cut to a clip of Se7en with Brad Pitt's character, Det. David Mills, talking to the killer, John Doe)

Mills: When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around reading Guns & Ammo, masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "wow, it is amazing how fucking crazy I really am?"

Nash: Thanks, Brad! What the fuck is wrong with you!? If you head out of your door with fuzzy, green, bouncy objects, not to mention tennis balls, and you find yourself attacking traffic in suburbia, take a deep breath. (Nash takes a deep breath) Count to three. And understand you need a tractor trailer full of medication! Next on our tour through Crazy Town is a stop at a familiar location. A while back, we did a story about a man who went on a mad rampage in an attempt to escape...electricity, brought on by hallucinogenic bath salts. Time for the sequel!

(The report is titled "Cops: woman high on bath salts trashes hotel room")

Nash (vo): 42-year old Tammy Winter went absolutely bugfuck in an Indiana hotel room and when police finally arrived, she explained she needed to write on the walls to keep out the evil spirits. And why? Well, it wasn't brought on by Mr. Fucking Bubble.

Nash: Okay, every time this drug comes up in the news, it's usually involving a trail of brain melting insanity left in it's wake, so I cannot help but ask, why would you use it!?

(We cut to a scene of Nash smoking a pipe)

Left Nash: I don't know Bob, I'm not feeling nothing yet, are you absolutely sure that--

(Right Nash is a demon headed monstrosity)

Right Nash: I am the devil! I am the devil! I am the devil! I am the devil! I am the devil!

(Left Nash is quite scared and tosses the pipe out)