Pixels

(We start off today's episode of the Nostalgia Critic with a music video.)

Adam Sandler

"The Adam Sandler Song"

Dying Slowly Records

Dir: Christopher Columbus

(NC is dressed like Adam Sandler and playing an acoustic guitar)

You used to love me when I did SNL (Poster for Saturday Night Live: The Best of Adam Sandler)

Now you want me to suck cocks in Hell

There was a time I made hit after hit (Posters of The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy and 50 First Dates)

But now my career is slipping into shit (Poster for Jack and Jill)

What the Hell happened to me?

I used to be the clown prince of comedy

I used to say "they're all gonna laugh at you!" (Picture of "They're All Gonna Laugh At You!")

And now I'm just praying that you'll laugh at me (Poster of The Cobbler)

You kids don't understand why your parents liked this

But back then my films...eh...were still kinda hit and miss

Happy made you happy but The Waterboy sucked (Posters of Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy)

Zohan was a go man, but then Little Nicky sucked (Posters for You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Little Nicky)

Grown Ups made you throw up while Click mostly made you sick (Posters of Grown Ups and Click, as well as people throwing up)

And Jack and Jill's a cinematic dicing of your dick

I did a few serious films (Posters of Punch-Drunk Love, Spanglish and Funny People)

You didn't get them but you thought I was okay

But I rather stick to crappy plots

That were popular in '98

Sandler: Tell me if you recognize any of these.

Quirky underdog meets a hot attractive babe

But some unfunny bullies try to stop my goofy ways

My quirky sidekick and/or grandma help me on my path

While using an annoying voice and jokes about my ass

Sandler: Come on guys, you liked it the first 18 times. Surely you'll like it 56 more.

What the Hell happened to me?

I made you laugh while you were high in 1990

Now you treat me like a jerk

and I only make movies to get Rob Schneider work

Rob Schneider: Hey thanks buddy, but you forgot to put me in Pixels.

Sandler: Well that's because you wouldn't do blackface for me.

Schneider: Seriously, Sandler, even I have standards.

Sandler: No you don't.

Schneider: Yeah you're right. (And he gets kicked off stage)

What the Hell happened to me?

Please tell me I'm not this generation's Pauly (Shore)

My movies have become a chore

And even (Drew) Barrymore cannot save me anymore (Poster of Blended)

(Inane gibberish)

I don't know why I've angered all of you

Oh please god save me Hotel Transylvania 2 (Poster of Hotel Transylvania 2)

I do the same thing that I've been doing for years

So what has changed now to get me all these tears?

(He begins crying until someone in the audience (Doug) calls out)

Man: No, Adam! Don't you see? Even your idiot characters from the past have figured it out. Your audience itself has grown up but you yourself have not grown up.

Sandler: What are you talking about? I got a lot older.

Man: No, Adam! Your audience has discovered new things, so you must discover new things! Evolve your craft! Try something different! Use your movies as something more than just an excuse to go on vacation! I mean look at your latest publicity photo! (Picture of Adam Sandler looking upset) Even you're sick of you! Try again, Adam Sandler! Try!

Sandler: I see what you're saying. I should be even more predictable.

Man: Oh, uh, no.

Sandler: More unfunny!

Man: I definitely didn't say that.

Sandler: And even more racially insensitive!

Man: Oh Christ, I'm just gonna sit down.

Sandler: (walking off) Hey Schneider, can you do redface?

Schneider: Can I?

(And we finally come to the opening of the Nostalgia Critic!)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to. Well ever since I did my clipless review of Jurassic World, a lot of people have been requesting to do another recent movie. And surprisingly, it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey.

Tamara: (off-screen) Thank God!!

NC: Oh come on! Ball gags are surprisingly comfortable!

Tamara: (off-screen) How would you know?!

NC: (pause) Research. No, that movie is the Adam Sandler non hit, Pixels.

(Pictures of comments requesting NC to review the movie are shown)

NC (vo): Left and right, people have been asking me to review this, and at first, I didn't really get why. Okay, there is nostalgic value seeing how it ties into video games of the 80s, (posters for Master of Disguise and Eight Crazy Nights) and I have ripped apart several Adam Sandler productions, but I think the real reason is it's one of the worst reviewed films of the year. The internet has gone insane with how much they hate this movie. It's this year's (poster of) Fantastic 4 (2005). I mean before this year's Fantastic 4 (2015). (The movie's RottenTomatoes page is shown) Yeah it looked bad, but 17% bad? That's lower than Waterboy (35%), That's My Boy (20%), and Little Nicky (22%).

NC: Jesus, it's worse than those? That's like having (picture of) Hitler and then finding out there's a Nega-Hitler (Nega Hitler wearing a blue shirt compared to Hitler's brown shirt). A Hitler that did even worse than Hitler. (A clown wig and nose are added to Nega-Hitler) And wasn't funny...

NC: So, without further ado, let's take a look at--(The Elephant in the room pipes in singing Futurama) Yes, let's first address what everyone's already talking about: How similar this concept is to an episode from Futurama.

NC (vo): (A clip of the original short film of Pixels is shown) Despite the movie being based on a short film, (pictures from the Futurama episode, Anthology of Interest II, are shown), there's an episode of Futurama where video games of the 80s attack their city that's pretty damn close in comparison to this. But I'm choosing to judge this on its own merits. Because much like (posters of) Osmosis Jones and Inside Out, even if it's been done before, what matters is what they can bring to it that's new and good.

NC: And Adam Sandler movies are so the exact opposite of this that there's actually an app for it now. (Holding up his phone)

Elephant: There is? (He walks over to NC)

NC: Oh yeah, it's called the Appler Sandler. His films are so easy to make now that you can literally phone them in. Uh, let's see here. (We come to the Appler Sandler app) Normal voice Sandler or Annoying Voice Sandler (Picture of Billy Madison).

Elephant: I'd rather rub my balls on a cheese grater than listen to his annoying voice.

NC: Normal voice it is. Uh, let's see here. Bland hot girlfriend or really bland hot girlfriend (Picture of Virginia Venit from Happy Gilmore)?

Elephant: What's the difference?

NC: One gets a crying scene.

Elephant: I guess that one.

NC: You got it. (He makes his selection)

Elephant: Wait, what are those?

NC: Oh, those are add-ons that come no matter what. (Those add-ons being...)

NC (vo): Kevin James, Suckered In Celebrities (in this case Peter Dinklage), Pity Cameos from SNL Alumni. (Other add-ons include: A Script by a Third Grader, Farts, Poops, Pee. All on Screen at Once)

NC: The only thing left to choose is funny (Happy Gilmore) or Unfunny (Blended).

Elephant: Oh my God, I never knew we had a choice! Choose funny, man!

NC: All right! (Every time he tries to click on the Funny button, it moves out of the way) Hey, what the? Come on!

Elephant: Come on!

NC: Jesus Christ! Why would you throw so much time, effort and money into something if you're not gonna make it funny? You painfully obvious metaphor! (He puts the phone down)

(The elephant sighs and clicks Unfunny. The screen blue fills in as the words BEGIN SANDLER SUCKFEST flash on screen)

(Scene then changes to an arcade back drop with Jim Jarosz as young Sam Brenner (Adam Sandler) and Tamara as young William Cooper (Kevin James))

NC (vo): It starts off with a younger version of Adam Sandler and Kevin James in an arcade competition. Where we insert Adam Sandler app number 162: Sweet Old Lady (played by Malcom), who delivers our first joke.

William: Look. It's Grandma.

Granny Malcom: Yoo-hoo (while holding a bottle of Yoo-hoo. I am not making this up)

(Movie pauses. Critic appears in front of the screen)

NC: That was the first joke people. She says yoo-hoo while holding up a bottle of Yoo-hoo. A hundred and ten million dollar budget, and that is their opening joke. You know, why don't you just be honest and say..

William: Look. It's Grandma.

Granny Malcom: Fuck you bitches. I'm smoking your money. (proceeds to smoke a cigar while burning money with it.)

(Scene of Sam Brenner playing against young Eddie Plant (played by Tamara))

NC (vo): Sandler loses to a kid named Eddie which means Eddie's gameplay will be put in a time capsule and launched into space. This brings us to present day (Sam now portrayed by Doug) where Sandler app number 229: Down on His luck Has-Been Who People Think Will Amount To Nothing, is having a conversation with Sandler app 465: Supportive Best Friend and Binge Drinking Idiot Kevin James (shows actor with Kevin Jame's head photo-shopped on actual head.). Who is President of the United States.

(Screen shakes as the words "BULLSHIT OVERLOAD!" are on screen. The critic's phone short circuits because of it.)

NC: Yup. Even the app couldn't handle something that dumb. Kevin James is President of the United States. (Phone sparks up while wheezing out "Bullshit!") In a country that's actually kind of considering electing Donald Trump (shows picture of said person) as our next president, even we can't be fucking stupid enough to except this as a reality.

NC (vo): And the weird thing is, he still plays it as the idiot best friend like he always does. He doesn't act like a president at all.

NC: Which is why, just to give you an idea on how lazy this is, I'm going to switch out Kevin James with Obama. (NC does so on the app, confusing Sandler but he just shrugs it off). Now tell me if this makes any sense whatsoever.

Obama (played by Malcom): Now, Adam.

Sandler (I know he's Sam Brenner, but I'm still calling him Sandler for this): Uh, Bernie please, I'm a totally different character now.

Obama: Yeah sure. So Adam, I'd like to help getting drunk, while helping my loser friend at a bar, but I uhh need to overcome this outburst I had while screaming at school children because I can't read.

Sandler: (awkward pause) That's really in our movie?

Obama: That's really in our movie.

Sandler: Shouldn't you be doing like presidential stuff, that kind of thing?

Obama: Oh, I do. Like when our country is under attack, I make a cake with my wife.

Sandler: (awkward pause) That can't be in our movie.

Obama: Page 22.

Sandler (reads the script) It's in our movie.

Obama: I'll give you a call when I need you to replace our military.

Sandler (Facing the audience): If your still in the theater folks, I salute ya.

NC (vo): Sandler goes to a customer's house to fix their TV, but finds the owner, played by Michelle Monaghan (Character's name is Violet, played by Tamara), is crying in the corner of the closet while sipping champagne out of a sippiecup. Yeah, a sippiecup.

Sandler: Oh, is that your kids?

Violet: No, he's twelve.

Sandler: Then why do you have-

Violet: (gasps and hits Sandler with sippiecup) How dare you?! I can never see us becoming a couple. Never! EVER!

(Nostalgia Critic pauses again and steps in front of screen)

NC: Okay, who's the fucking idiot who keeps falling for this? The couple who acts like their not going to get together but everybody else in the world knows they're going to get together? Who's the one Fucking idiot who keeps falling for this and encourages this cliche!? (a hand hesitantly rises up, and a nuke strike against person attacks him) Thank you, there's one less in the world.