Too Smart For Strangers

Brad appears on-screen, wearing a really tacky button-down shirt, a sort of do-rag, and an eye-patch.

Brad: (in a pirate voice) Arr, I'm Bootlegger Bill, the DVD pirate, sailing from sea to sea in search of -- (sighs, speaks in his normal voice) No. No, no. (removes the pirate accessories) No, no, no. Ugh. I'm not doing this as a character, sorry.

Shot of Brad's hands throwing random DVDs onto the floor.

Brad: (voiceover) In this series, we'll be looking at my vast collection of DVD bootlegs, the stuff that hardly ever aired on television - if at all. (now shown fully, examining some of them) These are the DVDs too weird to be categorized into any of my other series, so hey, I'm giving 'em their own spotlight. And today, we start with Too Smart for Strangers, starring Winnie the Pooh. (shows it to the camera)

Random clips from the special are shown as Brad talks.

Brad: (voiceover) Hey, kids! Do you have that unfortunate problem of, well, getting kidnapped? That's unfortunate, because you should have paid attention to what these 40-year-old men in animal costumes had to say. Too Smart for Strangers is a 1985 TV special by the Disney Channel, featuring our favorite ashed-down forest creatures singing, dancing, and talking about potential rapists.

Pooh Bear: (singing) Too smart for strangers, that's me, Winnie the Pooh!

Brad: (voiceover) Of course, for Winnie the Pooh, it's easy to avoid strangers, when you already know everyone in the woods.

Brad: Oh-ho, I remember the days when parents used to let furries warn us about strangers! (voiceover) I might take this guy more seriously if he were in a good Winnie the Pooh costume, but Jesus! Sometimes, making your suit blink isn't a good thing! He meets up with Piglet so the two of them can talk strangers.

Pooh Bear: A stranger is something a Piglet is not!

Brad: Hear that, kids? As long as the stranger is dressed like a piglet, it's okay.

Pooh Bear: There are good strangers and bad strangers. And some strangers - the bad ones - want to hurt kids! And bears!

''Clip from 'The Country Bears'. An anvil crushes a model on Christopher Walken's desk.''

Christopher Walken: Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been crushed!

Brad: Honestly, if a stranger were to fuck with a bear, that'd probably be the last time you heard from that stranger anyway. (voiceover) Personally, I'm having trouble listening to their message due to the explicit 'beaver' onscreen. Both of them continue their conversation about strangers indoors so they can talk over a pot of honey, not like there wasn't an endless source of that already outside. I like how honey is to the Pooh series what coffee is to the Coleman Francis movies.

Brad: Okay. You've got my attention. What do I do if I'm approached by a stranger?

Pooh Bear: Number one - say 'no' to strangers!

Brad: Yeah, but what if the question is, 'do you not want me to kidnap you?' (voiceover) Don't take their word for it, though, listen to the guy who walks around with the sound effect of a cartoon erection!

Tigger: (bouncing onscreen) Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Brad: (voiceover) Tigger and....Olivia from The Cosby Show?.....are also having a deep discussion about strangers. It's quite a coincidence, every animal in this forest is talking about the very same weird topic.

Tigger: You should avoid unsafe places.

Roo: What are they?

Tigger: Places where there are no other people around. Look. (The places that Tigger mentions are shown onscreen.) There are alleys, construction sites...

Brad: But if there's no people around, there's also no strangers! (Brad grins and taps his head in a gesture that clearly says 'I'm thinking'.)

Brad: (voiceover) We start getting examples from the real world of kids bumping into strangers.

Tigger: (voiceover) Karen knows she stayed too late, and she doesn't want to get in trouble. So she decides to take a shortcut.

Brad: (voiceover) What's worse, walking into an alley, or a guy in a tiger costume secretly watching your every move?

Guy in alley: Hey kid, come here.

Karen: NO! (races away)

Brad: Aw, c'mon, he was just wondering if he was pulling off his new mustache look! (voiceover) Well okay, what's the next thing she should do?

Tigger: (voiceover) Well, what do you know, Karen told her dad all about what happened!

Brad: You should still be worried. (whispers) That's not really her father. (voiceover) But that example wasn't enough, so here's another.

Guy: Well, well, aren't you pretty, little girls. What are your names?

Tigger: Okey-dokey, now, what would you do?

Brad: Uh...tell him he was great in The Stepfather?

Tigger: No, no, nope, Roo! Uh-uh!

Brad: (voiceover) Okay, unhinged cokehead tiger, what should I do?

Tigger: Then scream, and kick, and bite, fight with all your might, and try to get away.

Brad: Are you afraid to say the term 'go for the nuts'? 'Cause we are trying to give good advice here. (voiceover) After that talk on how weird strangers are, Tigger safely returns Roo to her mother, who walks around naked in an apron.

Pooh Bear: My, my, I certainly learned a lot from Tigger and Roo.

Brad: (voiceover) But unfortunately, Pooh learned nothing about eavesdropping. Honestly, a bear and a pig aren't enough to keep me from strangers. I need an asexual rabbit who does magic tricks!

Rabbit: Watch our friend Timmy, and see if you can find the trick.

Guy: Hey, kid, come here a second. I seem to have lost my dog somewhere around here, and I was wondering if you might help me try to find him.

Timmy: No, sorry, I can't do that. (bikes away)

Brad: Or you could tell him that you haven't seen his dog and then run away, you rude ginger little shit! (voiceover) Anyway, a couple of kids get approached by a roaming John Cusack, and another almost falls for the whole 'I'm a friend of your mother' trick. But the smartest person in the woods is always the owl, so let's see what he says!

Owl: (snoring in his chair)

Brad: (voiceover) Oh, never mind, he appears to be suffering a stomachache from eating too many Tootsie Pops. Owl's job here is to tell the kids what they should do if they're left home alone.

Brad: Oh, that's easy enough, just tie two strings to a paint can and wait up top the staircase. (laughs) WOW, that was an easy joke. (voiceover) Let's look at some examples of kids who are left home alone.

Kid: (answers ringing phone) Hello?

Brad: (voiceover) Have you checked the children?

Owl: What would you have done?

Brad: Well, I know what I would have done: not leave my five-year-old kid home alone! (voiceover) The advice that's given is to hang up on the strange caller, then call your neighbor to have them come over to the house. Now why wasn't the neighbor babysitting them in the first place?

Brad: And what if it was the neighbor who did that perv call? Is everyone this stupid?

Kid 1: I'd never tell anybody my name.

Kid 2: I wouldn't tell them my mom wasn't home.

Brad: (voiceover) But then again, we would invite a strange cameraman inside to ask us these questions. So Mr. Owl-vedere starts singing, and it takes on a whole new meaning when you pretend that he's singing about masturbation precautions.

Owl: (singing) When you're home alone, with no one else around, experiences show you'll be safe and sound, if you follow the advice that I have found...

Brad: (voiceover) Ugh. Where's Rabbit? Haven't seen him in awhile.

Owl: You certainly got here in a hurry!

Rabbit: Oh, yes! I wanted to be sure we told the kids about tricks.

Owl: Hmm, go right ahead!

Brad: Silly Rabbit, tricks are for......(groans) You know, there is such a thing as giving me too easy jokes to work with. (voiceover) Rabbit tells us about the tricks people use to get inside the kids' houses.

Owl: (voiceover) Now that man is a stranger, and he wants to talk to Sarah's mother. But Sarah's mother isn't home.

Owl: If you were Sarah, what would you do?

Brad: (voiceover) I'd ask Larry King for his autograph, and then hope this creepy doll scares him away? A'ight, let's go back to Owl's place.

Owl: Whooooo's there?

Tigger: Who-hoo-hoo-hoo do you think it is? It's the one and only Tigger!

Owl: Oh-ho! Well, that's no stranger. That's my friend Tigger.

Brad: Ha-ha. So obviously, not only is a piglet costume okay, but a tiger costume as well. I hope you pervs are taking notes. (voiceover) Seriously, though, here's an easy fix: don't leave your grade-schooler home alone! There!

Brad: Oh, Lord. What else are we gonna talk about? Weird people in the park? Strange behavior at the drive-in?

Piglet: I think we should tell our friends that danger doesn't always come from strangers. It can be from someone you know.

Brad: That's right, kids, EVERYONE wants to abduct you!

Pooh Bear: Oh, Piglet, you're right. People, you see, every day, might want to....touch you.

Brad: Yeah, and....! Wait...what?!

Pooh Bear: Well, there are certain private places on your body that nobody is supposed to touch, except you.

Brad: (jaw drops slowly in horror)

Pooh Bear: Sometimes, your parents might touch them if they're dressing you or bathing you. Or, the doctor has to touch them when he's examining you.

Brad: (still a bit disbelieving) You know that the doctor can also be guilty of.... (sticks up two fingers)

Piglet: Oh, b-b-but, is there touching that's not okay, Pooh?

Pooh Bear: Oh, yes, Piglet, and that's the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside.

Brad: Stop. STOP. STOP THIS NOW. PLEASE. STOP.

Pooh Bear: If anybody trues to touch you anywhere in a not-okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them no!

Brad: (laughs uncomfortably) Yeah, most rapists tend to listen to the word 'no'. (laughs again) JESUS CHRIST, KIDS, KICK THEM IN THE BALLS AND RUN!

Piglet: I'm not very good at saying no. Could you show me how?

Pooh Bear: Here's how!

Brad: Wait, what? Oh, no....

Pooh Bear: (singing) Say no, stop that, it's not okay with me! No, don't do that, I have the right, you see....

Brad grimaces.

Pooh Bear: (singing) My body is my very own, that's how it's got to be! I've learned this is the time to say it's not okay with me!

''Jillian is shown. Her jaw drops in pure disgust.''

Pooh Bear: (singing) No, stop that, it's really not okay!

''Lloyd is shown. He stares expressionless into the camera.''

Pooh Bear: (singing) No, don't do that, take your hands away!

''ROB the Robot is shown. He also stares blankly into the camera.''

Pooh Bear: (singing) I know I'm not at all to blame, I've done nothing bad...

''A Mr. Bill bobblehead doll is shown. He gazes into the camera with his trademark 'oh no' face.''

Pooh Bear: (singing) And now I'm going right away to tell my mom and dad!

Brad: (visibly scarred) There's a montage of kids getting touched, isn't there?

''Sure enough. Nothing really bad is shown, however. It IS a Disney kids' special....''

Kid 1: No!

Kid 2: No, don't touch me!

Kid 3: Don't touch me there, or I'll tell!

Kid 4: If you touch me again, I'll tell my dad.

Kid 5: No! Stop touching me!

Kid 6: Don't touch me!

Brad: (voiceover) Yes, tell them no, and don't run, but slowly walk away. Don't buy into Pooh and Piglet's advice? Just take Rabbit's word for it.

Rabbit: Always tell your parents or someone you trust when someone tries to touch your private parts.

Brad: Thank you, magic rabbit who dresses like Jack the Ripper! (voiceover) So that's the end of Pooh and friends warning us about stranger danger and abduction. Notice how Christopher Robin is absent from this special. Just saying, he's probably been kidnapped. And way to go out on a molestation topic, for the love of Christ! To be perfectly honest, I think the best advice they could give is for these families to move out of town, because apparently, all of its citizens want to either kidnap or touch your children!

Brad: As for me, I'm gonna go lock my doors, because I'm agoraphobic now! Thanks, guy in a bear suit whose name is another word for feces!

''Credits. A clip of Piglet singing backs them.''

Piglet: (singing) I'd say no, stop that, that is what I'd say! No, don't do that, it's really not okay! I know I'm not at all to blame, I've done nothing bad, and now I'm going right away to tell my mom and dad!