Drop Dead Fred

The Nostalgia Critic is checking his tab when he sees the audience. NC: Hello, I'm Doctor Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today's film is a very tragic case. It is a sad movie that is under the delusion that it is, in fact... (checks his tab) funny, charming, whimsical and filled with a lot of heart. The reality is that it is a vile, vomit-inducing shitfest that should never be seen by man. The name of this movie is simply Drop Dead Fred.

Clips of the movie are shown

NC: (Voiceover) What a depressing case this is. This movie doesn't know if it wants to be for adults, children or the mentally handicapped. It is unpleasant, unfunny and quite frankly unwatchable.

NC: What are its symptoms, you may ask? Well, let's take a closer look.

NC: (Voiceover) We start off with a girl having a fairy tale read to her by her mother.

Little girl: Did they live happily ever after?

Mother: Of course, Elisabeth.

Little girl: How do you know?

Mother: She was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.

Little girl: What a pile of shit!

NC: (Voiceover) Well, we're off to a good start as we cut to our credits that "surprisingly" are written in crayons. We see that this movie stars... Phoee-bey Cates... Phoey-bey... Phoee... that chick from Gremlins, and is accompanied by Rik... May-all... Maiall... Mayaiall... that guy from The Young Ones, and is directed by... Oh, fuck you. Let's just jump to the movie. We cut to a mere 21 years later as we see the girl has grown up into an insecure woman named Elisabeth. This "hilarious" comedy pulls all the comedic stunts. Like having her husband be an adulterer, having him leave her, having someone steal her purse, a totally different person steal her car, resulting in her being late to work, and ending up losing her job.

Judge: You're fired.

NC: But that's nothing. Wait til she finds out that her cousin burned to death in a fire... in a church.

NC: (Voiceover) So while leaving her job, she comes across an old childhood friend named Mickey, who "somehow" recognizes her as an adult.

Mickey: It was back when we were little kids. We were little kids. Do you remember what you did to my grandmother?

Elisabeth: I didn't do anything to your grandmother.

Mickey: (chuckling) You said the same thing back then. You said that Fred did it.

Elisabeth: (reminiscing) Drop Dead Fred.

Flashback to her childhood

Young Elisabeth: (offscreen) Oh grandmother!

''Grandmother is splashed with yellow paint. Return to the present.''

Elisabeth: (seemingly pleased) Drop Dead Fred.

Elisabeth then makes a weird face that comes under the Critic's notice.

NC: (Voiceover) Wo, Wo, Wo. Wait a minute.

Close-up of Elisabeth's weird face.

NC: (Voiceover) What is up with that face? That's the "horse that just passed gas" look.

NC: Okay ladies. If you want your men to stop looking at that chick from Gremlins, just get them a poster of this.

Cut to a close-up of Elisabeth's weird face with the Critic making dumb, childish sounds.

NC: (Voiceover) So they take a stroll down Exposition Street as she comes across her close friend named Janey, played by Carrie Fisher.

Janey: Now I want you to use my formations* with me. *''I actually don't know which word she is saying there. Feel free to correct me if you know that word.''

Elisabeth: Janey!

Janey: Come on, just do it. Repeat after me. I don't need a man to complete my life.

Elisabeth: I don't need a man to complete my life.

NC: Uh, no offense, but I wouldn't take any self-help advice from Carrie Fisher. Have you seen the cover of her book?

Cut to an image of Carrie Fisher's novel Wishful Drinking.

NC: (Voiceover) So Elisabeth's overbearing mother comes in and forces her to stay at her house. Why? Because she's overbearing. Not logical.

Elisabeth's mother: I made up your bed.

Elisabeth: Oh!

Elisabeth's mother: Oh? That's all you say to me is oh?

Elisabeth: Thank you, Mother!

Elisabeth's mother: That's a good girl.

''Elisabeth comes to her room. She turns the light on. The room is bright pink. The sound of a lightsaber is superimposed in the scene to emphasize the brightness.''

NC: (covering his eyes, in pain) AAAAHHH! Too much pink!

NC: (Voiceover) So as she falls asleep in her old bed, it turns out mommy built her room with a flux capacitor, as she goes back in time and remembers when she was a child.

''During the flashback of her childhood, the ceiling light suddenly turns on and... a hand comes out from under Elisabeth's pillow to stressful music.''

NC: (Voiceover) Oh my God. Freddy Krueger is out for revenge.

The hand taps young Elisabeth's head and retreats under the pillow.

NC: That's nothing. You should see the deleted scene.

''Cut to a scene from A Nightmare on Elm Street, passed of as the "deleted scene", when Freddy Krueger swallows someone through a hole in a bed (overdubbed with a girl's scream)... before the hole spits out a geyser of blood. We then cut back to the actual movie.''

NC: (Voiceover) No. That's not Freddy Krueger but, out of an old jack-in-the-box, something even more wicked this way comes. Annoying British humor.

Fred: Boo! Hello, Snotface! (suddenly disgusted after seeing Elisabeth) Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You're all older. You're even uglier. Uck!

NC: Please, tell me that's not the performance you're going with.

Fred: (talking to a plush) No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

Fred then starts violently ripping the plush to shreds while screaming.

NC: (Voiceover) Oh wow! This person needs to die.

Fred: (taking Elisabeth with him) Come on!

Fred is then seen sliding down the banister and hits his crotch against the newel post.

Fred: (in pain) Who put that there? (realizing, to Elisabeth) Oh. I forgot to give you something.

He then picks his nose and wipes the snot on her face.

Fred: Hahaha!

NC: You know, there's a thin line between funny and godawfully horrendous. (pause) Luckily, he comes nowhere near that line. He's just godawfully horrendous.

Fred comes back in the house walking on his hands, because he stepped both of his feet on dog poop.

NC: (Voiceover) Have you realized she's taking this crazy madman in her house just a little too well? HOW ABOUT A REACTION TO ALL THIS?

Fred: Let's write: Mother sucks!

Elisabeth: I have a better idea. Let's play a game.

Fred: A game?

Elisabeth: How about Hide and Seek?

Fred: GREAT! I LOOOOVE HIDE AND SEEK!

NC: You are the heinous of comedic laughter.

Fred: I'm gonna hide in a place where you'll never, ever find me. Bye bye!

NC: (Voiceover) So she tricks him into going away as her mother is not pleased with what she finds the next morning

Elisabeth's mother: I didn't want anybody to walk on my carpet.

Elisabeth: Yeah, I know.

Elisabeth's mother: But, here I am, scrubbing away at what can only be described as dog... mess.

NC: (Voiceover) But unfortunately, the devil's ballsack appears for "more hilarity".

Fred: (surprised) Oh my God! Is it? It is! The Megabitch.

NC: (Voiceover, impersonating the Joker) Oh, do you know this, Batman? What do you get when two talented actors are given a script written by a horse's scrotum? THIS MOVIE, Ooohooohooohooooooh!

Fred stands near Elisabeth's mother's face, unknowingly to her.

Elisabeth's mother: (speaking to her daughter) I think it's a lovely day.

Fred pretends to choke heavily on the mother's breath.

Fred: The Death Breath. She killed me with the Death Breath. Be gone, evil one.

NC: (while chewing a box) Um. Um. This scenery is wonderful. Um. Um. Oh hey. There's even more background I can chew. (gets up from his chair and goes offscreen)

Fred: (going toward the fridge) Maybe there's a stake in there. We can try and puncture her heart.

''The mother closes the refrigerator door on Fred's head. He then tries to get his head out of the fridge, much to Elisabeth's shock. When he succeeds to unstuck his head, it is as flat as a pancake.''

NC: (Voiceover) And now, you know where the whole budget for this movie went: into that one stupid effect. Was it worth it, film? Was it?

Fred then looks up the mother's skirt.

Fred: Wow! (to Elisabeth, while pointing up) Cobwebs.

Elisabeth laughs.

NC: (Voiceover) Yeah. I remember the last time I laughed at my mom's cooch.

Elisabeth: (talking to Fred) Piss off!

Fred: Gotcha! That was not the magic word.

Elisabeth's mother: (thinking her daughter insulted her) What did you say to me?

Fred: She told you to piss off. What, are you deaf?

NC: (Voiceover) So, if you haven't guessed yet, Elisabeth is the only one who can see her imaginary friend. Which would suggest that she's absolutly insane.

Elisabeth's mother: She's absolutly insane.

NC: (Voiceover) But the movie suggest that Fred is there to help her. As you can plainly see in psychological healing scenes like this one.

(UNFINISHED)