Tainted Love

(Nash is at his computer when the door opens and closes, the person coming through being Stick Boy, looking quite depressed)

Nash: Oh hey look, we need to work on the topic for this week's show cause I got nothing right now and I...What's your problem? (Stick Boy has an idea bubble that reveals Obscurus Lupa) *sigh* Not this again. (and he pops that idea) Look, if you get us slapped with a restraining order this close to Valentine's...(he gets an idea) Hey, that's it. I know exactly what to do. (Stick Boy smiles) We'll do a Valentine's Day episode. (Stick Boy gets mad and leaves the room) What?

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. So it's Valentine's Day again, the time when we buy all the chocolate, flowers and jewelry we can...in the hopes that in a month from now we'll be rewarded with a steak and a BJ. (thumbs up) But for most people, Valentine's Day is also an occasion to remind the ones we care about just how much they really mean to us. In honor of that, this week we'll be looking at stories of people who attempt to do just that...in the most horrible, stupid ways possible. So where'd all this hearts and flowers mumbo jumbo spring from? Well, that sounds like my badly written cue to elaborate?

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Valentine's Day")

Nash (vo): The history of Valentine's Day is sketchy at best. It's generally regarded as a remembrance of St. Valentine. But there are numerous Valentines on record and no one's quite sure which one is the St. Valentine. The most popular candidate for the role was a Roman named Valentinus, who attempted to convert Emperor Claudius II to Christianity. (We cut to Stick Boy) In reward for his efforts, he was stoned, (Stick Boy gets stoned) clubbed, (Stick Boy gets clubbed) and when that didn't kill him, he was finally beheaded. (Stick Boy's eyes go wide before a sword slices his head off) If only we could get the same treatment for people who tried to convert us to new car insurance. It wasn't until the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer that Valentine's Day became associated with romantic love. Chaucer essentially invented ancient traditions of love in connection to Valentine's Day in his work, "Parliament of Fowls." So each year, you have to spend hundreds of dollars to placate the love of your life with gifts of gold and Godiva, just remember it's all the fault of his ye oldy ass. (the picture of Chaucer says "Suck it, bitches.") In the time since, Valentine's Day has become much more commercial. One of the largest big profit days for greeting cards, flowers, and of course, pregnancy tests. But at the end of the day, it's all about hoping to be lucky enough for just one little shot from Cupid's arrow. (Stick Boy gets hit with it) Just remember that love hurts.

Nash: Right, now that we're in the spirit, it's time to look at some love, love, love, love, crazy love. Emphasis on the crazy. First we're off to Waseca, Minnesota, where a man proves the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost...than to have tried to blow up your ex-girlfriend's ladyparts.

(The report is titled "Man Accused Of Planting A Bomb In Sex Toy")

NC (vo): 37-year old Terry Allen Lester left a going away present for his ex-girlfriend when he moved out. A vibrator in a box labled "Merry Christmas." Except the vibrator was filled with gunpowder, bbs, and buckshot. And if that's not stupid enough, police say the device lacked any ignition source.

Nash: Okay, I'm gonna demonstrate just how idiotic this was. (he takes out a flashlight) First, I'm gonna take a standard electronic device, this flashlight. (he unscrews the top) Then, I'm gonna fill it with gunpowder. (he does so) There we are. (he screws the top back on) Now, notice how it's not exploding? (he turns the flashlight on and off) That's because there's no spark because the batteries are gone. I mean, I could flick this switch all day, and--(BOOM!) aaah! How do I never see this shit coming?

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): Anyway, if that wasn't dumb enough, Lester was caught because he had bragged to friends that he would deal with ex-girlfriends by, you guessed it, "putting a bomb in a vibrator." (the mugshot is zoomed in) But I suppose when your mullet has more personality than you do, subtlety is not your strong suit.

Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you!? Who does that? Who tries to make a bomb out of a dildo!? I mean every man wants to make his girl's bajingo go boom, but this is taking it a bit literally. Not only that, but the plan is based on the precept that the woman you're dating is the sort who, after finding a random sex toy lying around her house, will immediately try it out on herself. If you were involved with this sort of woman and they broke up with you, then consider yourself lucky! Next up, we're headed to Australia where a woman attempted to go the extra mile for her man. Unfortunately, she also attempted to run over a cop along the way.

(The report is titled "Couple charged with drunk driving")

Nash (vo): From Port Melbourne, Constable Wayne Wilson pulled over the couple as part of a routine DUI checkpoint. When the man was being processed for drunk driving, the also drunk woman tried to reason with police. And by "reason," I mean "tried to mow them down with the car." Who says love is dead?

Nash: So ladies, if you're not sure what to get your boy for Valentine's Day, why not pick him up a little vehicular felony?

(Clips of car related shenanigans are played to the tune of "Stand By Your Man")

Nash: (mock crying) It's beautiful, man! (realizes the camera's on, then clears his throat) Back to the story. Ladies, when your man is getting written up for driving drunk, and you take it upon yourself to inflict four wheel vengeance on the arresting officer, we have a term for that. It's not "being thoughtful" or "showing how much you care." It's "you're not fucking helping!" When your exit strategy involves grinding your tires into a cop's face, you need two things: a strong cup of black coffee, and an extra strength dose of calm-your-ass-down! Now, while we're on the subject of Valentine's Day, it's important to remember to also show your friends and family how much you care. The woman in our next story does just that, only in the creepiest way possible.

(The report is titled "Mummy fried - woman sets fire to house while trying to reanimate long-dead sister.")

Nash (vo): From Russia, a 69-year old woman set an apartment building on fire when she attempted to restart her 73-year old sister's heart by wiring her to the electrical mains. That's dumb enough, but her sister had been dead for over a year.

Nash: (he's holding onto a skull with electric posts with a battery cable clamped to one) Okay kids, if you try to wire up a corpse to electrical power, it's not going to bring them back from the dead. It's going to cause--(he connects the other clamp to the free post and BOOM!) daaah! Nobody...say...a fucking...word.

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): What makes this story even more bizarre is that while the woman had plotted ways to return her sister to life, she kept the body preserved with gasoline.

Nash: Time to do the math. This, (a gas pump is shown) plus this, (a clip from Frankenstein with the doctor shouting "It's alive!") equals fucking this! (a house explodes) While the article does point out the woman in question had a history of mental problems, I somehow cannot comprehend how nobody noticed that her sister was missing, the apartment smelled like gasoline, or, most importantly, the woman was so packed full of nut she could've doubled as a Snickers bar! When sweet old Ida Mae from 4B is fucking around with the fusebox and nattering on about how there's no more room in Hell, it's time to pick up the phone and CALL SOMEBODY! Now, while Valentine's Day is traditionally a day for lovers, the man in our next story will have a little trouble with that this year. And every year. Forever. Men, brace yourselves.

(The report is titled "VIDEO: Kentucky man goes to doctor for circumcision and his whole penis is removed")

Nash (vo): From Louisville, Kentucky, Phillip Seaton went in for a routine circumcision, but when he awoke, he discovered he paid for the six inch and got the foot long at no additional charge.

Nash: Let me give you some idea on what transpired here. (he takes out a hot dog and scissors) This, (snips off a small end of the hot dog) is a circumcision. And this, (he snips the rest off, save for one end) is what happened to Seaton. Any questions? (BOOM!) Daah! Oh, come on, that one didn't even make any sense!

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): The doctor responsible, Urologist John Patterson, claimed Seaton's penis had a cancerous growth. But instead of getting a second opinion from an oncologist, or even waking the patient up to ask permission, he just upped and nipped it in the bud.

Nash (vo): What the fuck is wrong with you!? Yes, I know cancer is serious. Yes, I know it requires immediate treatment, but before you slice the dick off someone, at least find out if they're okay with it first! Seriously, you can pretty much say to any man, "your penis or your life," most of them will have to stop and think about it first. Regardless, it's probably a good sign you're not cut out to be a doctor if you skip over informed consent and and jump straight to cock a doodle don't. But hey, at least it's bad as it can get--(realized what he just said) why did I just say that? Why why why why why why why why why!?

(The report is titled "

Nash (vo): From Ocala, Florida, ugh, 29-year old Victoria Bynes went to her boyfriend's home, doused his crotch in gasoline, and lit it on fire, resulting in second and third degree burns?

(Nash is shocked, as well as clips of surprised animals to the tune of "Hide and Seek")

Nash: Okay, so if a third degree burn extends through all layers of skin, and the penis is mostly muscle, then...ah, damn! Damn, damn, damn, owie! (and he shudders at the thought) Anyway, no reason was given in the story for the attack, but I'll tell you this much. Her boyfriend did something. If a woman has gone so far as to set fire to your penis, you done did something! Regardless, if your woman is holding a can of gasoline, a match, and a crazy look in her eye, then if you love your junk, the first words out of your mouth had damn well better be "I'm sorry!" (Stick Boy comes in, still sad) Oh come on, still? Look, this is getting silly. Besides, there's nothing you can do about it from here. You have to actually be there to settle this with her, so why don't you just let it go, and we can get back to work, (Stick Boy gets a lightbulb and leaves) and then...(the door closes) Oh that can't be good.

(A clip of a plane taking off as we get to our montage)

(Step One: The Classic)

(Lupa opens her door and sees Stick Boy with a heart shaped box of chocolates, only for her to close the door)

(Step Two: The Cusack)

(Lupa opens the door and sees Stick Boy wearing shades, holding a boombox, closing the door again)

(Step Three: The Ruxpin)

(Lupa opens the door again and Stick Boy now holding a teddy bear. She steps back for a second and throws a bucket of water at him)

(Step Four: Complete Desperation)

(Lupa opens the door and it's Stick Boy, only now he's got a wedding ring)

Lupa: Okay, you and me have to have a talk, little man!

(The two are now in her room)

Lupa: Look, I know you're really into me. Trust me, I get it. (Hearts float over his head) But seriously, have you thought this through? At all? (and that brings him back down) For example, do you have a place to live? A source of income? Do you have a job other than getting abused by Nash? (Stick Boy was about to say something, but realizes he can't, and shakes his head) And moreover, I'm three dimensional, and you're flatter than the American Idol preliminary. Have you ever thought about what the kids would look like? Heck do you even have the equipment for that? (Stick Boy looks down) Hey, come on, you'll find someone out there for you, just give it time. Just know that that person is not me. Not...me. So we can agree that you won't come back here, and I can agree that I won't answer the door with a flamethrower next time. Deal?

(Stick Boy smiles, then while he's walking down the street, he's sad. Until he sees something that gets him smiling: a stop sign, putting hearts in his eyes. He comes back smiling to Nash, who's on the computer)

Nash: Oh, you're back. Well, there's other fish in the sea, if it wasn't meant to be, blah blah blah...(he notices Stick Boy's happy face) Wait, what are you smiling about? (Stick Boy's son comes in bouncing wildly, having a red octagon face, confusing Nash) That's all the time we have for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (still confused about the kid) How!?

(We come to our credits, the song being the J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks")

Final quip: Please god, no one e-mail me about how one goes about fucking a stop sign.

(Stick Boy's sitting in Nash's chair eating a sandwich when someone shouts at him)

Voice: Hey!

(That voice belongs to Todd in the Shadows)

Todd: You been looking at my girl, you little blue headed ball of crap? (Stick Boy's quite scared) If I catch you going anywhere near her, I will personally set fire to your eye sockets with nothing but my pure hatred! You hear me!? (Stick Boy runs out of the room, the sandwich staying in the air before falling) Yeah, that's rght, you better run! What a nice guy. Good talk.