Fox Kids

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by 2018 NC title sequence. Open on NC sleeping on the couch, snoring and all, surrounded by various pop culture memorabilia of all kinds. Lying on the floor, Tamara and Malcolm are wide awake, unable to sleep because of NC's snoring; from their perspective, it sounds like all kinds of loud noises: a jackhammer, an elephant trumpet, a Tarzan yell, a Howie Long yell, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex roar. Suddenly, outside, the moon explodes, turning into a sun, looking like the one from Teletubbies, and NC is wide awake and smiling; he puts on his glasses)

NC: MORNING! (brushes his hand in front of his friends' faces, to their annoyance) Wake up, wake up! Wake up, wake up! It's Saturday morning!

Tamara: (groggily) Critic, we didn't get much sleep.

NC: Too excited for your bowl of (takes two bowls of...) Lucky Frosted Cocoa Trix! (gives them to his friends) It's part of a complete breakfast!

Malcolm: (disgusted) From where, Dairy Queen's dumpster?

NC: Now, don't be like that. I poured you each a bowl of that last Saturday in preparation for this!

Tamara: You mean this has been out for a week?!

NC: It helps open up the flavors.

(Malcolm looks toward his bowl, looking rather sick; the cereal is a very moldy green)

Tamara: (giving NC her bowl) I had a big dinner.

Malcolm: (doing likewise) And I'm vegetarian. I'm pretty sure that used to be alive.

NC: (shrugs) Suit yourself. (eats the cereal himself)

Tamara: Okay, Critic, can you explain why we're up at dick o'clock in the morning?

NC: (laughs with his mouth full) I forgot at your humble age, you know of the ritual of Saturday morning.

(Shots of kids watching TV are shown)

NC (vo): You see, Saturday morning used to be a special time for kids, we often have friends sleepover the night before and then wake up to the majesty of television: (a collage of Saturday morning cartoon shows are shown) Saturday morning cartoons, each one filled with brain-rotting material coaxing us to buy teeth-rotting material. Unfortunately, TV did its job too well, and the following generation said...

(Cut to a shot of 24/7 kids' channels: HBO Family, Starz Kids & Family, Nicktoons, Boomerang, etc.)

NC (vo): ..."Let's just have this shit raise our kids 24/7." Thus, every second of every goddamn day was already Saturday morning cartoons, and they got rid of them years later. Society sucks!

Malcolm: Okay, we're not ten years old; we had Saturday morning cartoons, too.

Tamara: We're just wondering why we're here this Saturday morning?

NC: Oh, well, that's because we're paying homage of the best in Saturday morning awesomeness, "Fox Kids"!

(A montage of clips of various Fox Kids shows is shown)

NC (vo): In 1990, the then-still-young Fox Network aired its Saturday Morning lineup of shows called "Fox Kids". It included bumpers, PSAs, catchy songs, and, of course, some of the best kids shows to ever aired on TV. Eventually branching out to Monday through Friday as well, Fox Kids lasted twelve years, an unbelievable run when you consider its counterpart, (image of...) the Disney Afternoon, lasted only seven years. While half of these shows can still be viewed today, some of them have sadly never gotten the DVD release or were never to be aired again. So keep in mind, we're not going to look at every single show that aired on Fox Kids, because, like I said, this is twelve years of material. We're just going to look at the most unique, inspired, and... (hesitates slightly) memorable parts of the greatest Saturday morning line up there was.

NC: So, with our sugar-coated poison in hand...

Tamara: (pointing to her right) ...younger kids wanting to watch what the older kids are watching...

(Suddenly, Walter Banasiak and Heather Reusz from "Top 5" come in)

Heather: Hey, guys!

Walter: Can we watch the show, too?

Malcolm: ...and an overprotective parent who thinks if it's not Sesame Street, it's bad for them...

(Barney Walker walks in and speaks to Walter and Heather)

Barney: I'm sorry, kids, but you're too young to see this kind of stuff.

Heather: (disappointed) I'm older than half of them over there!

Barney: Shoo, shoo.

(NC, Malcolm and Tamara wave good-bye as Walter and Heather leave in disappointment)

Walter: I hate you! You're not even my real father!

Barney: (to NC and his friends) Kids, are you enjoying Saturday morning?

NC, Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison) Yes, Dad. (Malcolm and Tamara roll their eyes as they say this)

Barney: That's good, I'm going to make some waffles on the stove just for you.

(He leaves. NC, Tamara, and Malcolm look puzzled)

Malcolm: Do we have a stove?

(They jump by the sound of an explosion of the stove and hear Barney scream)

NC: We'll figure out how that happened later. This is Fox Kids!

(As he eats the cereal, the intro to Fox Kids plays; NC, Malcolm and Tamara dance and sing along)

NC, Malcolm and Tamara: IT'S ON FOX!

(An explosion occurs as we transition into the list of shows to come)

Bobby's World
(The opening titles for this are shown)

NC (vo): Let's start with one of their earliest staples, Bobby's World.

Malcolm: Oh, I've seen this. It's like if Calvin and Hobbes were made by Ned Flanders.

NC: Hey, it's a lot more than that.

Tamara: It sounds pretty accurate.

NC: Yeah, okay, it's pretty accurate.

NC (vo): Bobby's World was based on the little boy voice that comedian Howie Mandel did for his popular stand-up.

(Cut to a clip of Howie doing the exact voice)

Bobby: That's my name! (giggles)

NC (vo): And because the '90s were a strange time where crude comedians got kid-friendly shows, (posters of Waynehead, Life with Louie, Camp Candy, Little Rosey and Rick Moranis in Gravedale High are shown) he was given one of his own. Just look at how awkward he is in the live-action openings.

Howie: Hi, everyone, I'm Howie, welcome to Bobby's World! And you know what I really hate? Of course you don't because you don't know me. You know what I hate?

NC: (as Howie) GERMS! God, I hate germs!

NC (vo): While certainly aimed at a younger demographic than the other Fox Kids shows, Bobby's World showcased the imagination of a little boy misinterpreting what adults say. Either that or he swallowed all his mother's NyQuil, either way, neat. The characters included Howie as his father, with the Jew-fro, rat-tail haircut...

NC: ...Common?

NC (vo): The cast of Fargo as his mother, his older brother representing the '90s trying to kill the '80s, and his older sister representing the 80s refusing to die. Along with Uncle Ted, who gives an obligatory fart joke...

Bobby: How can you make bubbles without putting your face in the water?

Uncle Ted: Tell ya what, Bobbo, let's just keep that our little secret, okay?

NC: POO!

NC (vo): Bobby had children's fantasies often based on movies a kid his age wouldn't see yet. Looks like somebody read the kid-friendly version of Die Hard.

Tamara: So, was it any good?

NC: It was... hypnotizingly unoffensive.

NC (vo): It's for little kids, so it's simple, but imaginative. It even had the first Saturday morning character get pregnant, and we even see her progression throughout the season. Little touches like that stand it out just enough. And I guess kids thought the same thing, as it was one of Fox's longest-running shows. Add a catchy-as-hell theme song, and you got a decent start to the Fox Kids lineup.

Tom and Jerry Kids
Tamara: That's cool and all, but how about some more violent stuff?

NC: Well, you're in luck, 'cause this network also had Tom and Jerry...

Tamara: YES!

NC: Kids.

Tamara: I retract that "YES!".

Peter Pan and the Pirates
NC: It's a cannonball of imagination waiting for you.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Malcolm: That's all fine and good, but what about the poor people who demand a series about demonic fruit? (NC and Tamara stare at him) I had no segue into the show.

Singers: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!

(Attack of the Killer Tomatoes opening clips)

NC (vo): So, um, because we apparently demanded it, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was given its own cartoon series, Based on the B-Movie comedies, it did have some of the original characters like Igor, Terra, that Parachute guy, and even John Astin for reprising his role as a mad scientist who made the evil vegetables.

Malcolm: Fruit.

NC: It's 2018, nobody used that term anymore.

NC (vo): But for many kids, the most memorable part of the show was the theme song, but, goddamn, that's a catchy theme song.

Singers: ''Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes!''

Little Shop
NC: But I know what you're thinking, "If Beetlejuice got a cartoon, why not Little Shop of Horrors?

Tamara: Because no one was thinking that.

NC: Just for that, the plant raps!

Tamara: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NC: (while Tamara is still yelling) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(Cue the cartoon opening and title card)

The Tick
NC:  But for my money, the best superheroes always shouted-

Malcolm: Oh! Can I say it? I've always wanted to say it.

NC: ( Shrugs and decides to let him ) Go ahead.

Malcolm: ( clears his throat )  FORK!

NC: It was one word. It was one  goddamn word!  With five letters! YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAY FIVE LETTERS!!!  ( He starts hitting Malcom with his hat ).

Tamara: (Points at them) This is nice.

(The show's t itle shows and the theme song plays  )

Goosebumps
NC: YOU ALL KNOW I’M RIGHT!!!

Godzilla: The Series
Walter: Hey kids, remember this incredible writing?

(Clip of Godzilla (1998))

Nick Tatopoulos: That's a lot of fish.

Heather: They made a show out of it!

NC: OH GOD!

(Everyone angrily shushes him)

Beast Wars: Transformers (and Beast Machines: Transformers)
Walter: YOU STAY AWAY FROM THIS, MICHAEL BAY!

Digimon (and Monster Rancher)
Heather: And then there was Digimon!

NC: Yeah, okay. (He sits back down as Malcolm smiles with joy)

Angela Anaconda
Heather: And then there's Angela Anaconda.

(The opening theme song plays and it looks like pictures of faces from black and white newspapers pasted onto a child's Microsoft Paint project.)

Angela: (singing) My name is Angela, hey, hello, welcome to my very own show.

(Cut back to everyone looking horrified by how the animation looks)

Heather: Did any of us actually watch this show?

NC, Tamara, Malcolm and Walter: (in unison) NO!

Heather: I can see why! (She points the remote at the screen and turns the TV off)