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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 37 (June 21, 2009)

''That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.''

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Barev! [Armenian for "hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. I actually went up and asked a fifth-grader to find out. / [indicates a jump cut] I kneeled down to the little girl, or, (looks up and thinks) at least, I PRAY it was a little girl... / and I asked her, "Am I smarter than you?" (pauses) And she said, "No. You're a dumbass. / In fact, EVERY single question you've ever answered on your show is wrong." / (chuckles) But, as we all know, fifth-graders are inherently MORONS! So that doesn't count. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: "Doesn't that show Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? have a lot of smart fifth-graders on there?" / Well, remember that that show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy; and anything he's on cannot be the least bit intelligent. / He's a redneck, you know? / He listed the warning signs quite clearly. / In fact, if you actually WATCH the show Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, then you are PROBABLY a redneck. (pauses) And stupid. / Yes.

Narrator: Is the Phantom of the Opera there inside your mind?

That Guy: Yes. And, quite frankly, I think he overstayed his welcome. / (looks up and taps his head with his mouthpiece) You hear that, Mr. Phantom? It's time for us to part. (no jump cut)

The Phantom (Michael Crawford, taken from the Broadway recording): DON'T GOOO!!

That Guy: (still looking up) I'm sorry, but that's just the way it has to be.

The Phantom: So be it! NOW, LET IT BE WAR UPON YOU BOTH!

That Guy: (looks back at camera) He's an odd man.

Narrator: What is in my father's gun? Is it candy?

That Guy: (holds up his hands) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... it's ICE CREAM. / Yummy, delicious ice cream. / And the only way to get it (he holds his pipe up above his head with the mouthpiece slanted down towards his mouth, as if holding a gun up with the barrels pointing down at him) is to pour it upside-down and let it drop into your mouth. / (leans in and points mouthpiece at camera) Sometimes it gets a little jammed in there; but, luckily, (holds up his pipe as a guide) there's a little trigger that you can push that actually dispenses the ice cream quite well. / By the way, if there's a man with wings and a harp talking to you after you eat that ice cream, just tell him That Guy With The Glasses sent you. / I'm very well-known up there. / (chuckles) I'm up to 1,500 lawsuits and counting. (gives a thumbs up with his left hand and a happy face. Once he does, a "Bing!" sound effect is heard; and we see the words "I'm Evil!" on-screen with red background)

Narrator: What if Beethoven never existed?

That Guy: Then we would NEVER have those delightful Beethoven movies. / And Charles Grodin would never have a career. / (looks up) Pretty much like he doesn't right now, so nothing much would change. / Oh, except the world of music would be altered; and we'd probably be playing instruments on our toes. / (looks up) Pianos could only be played by uncircumsized people. / (back at camera) And violins would be made out of Amish children. / So, actually, quite a lot would change. / (leans in to the camera in a hushed tone with his left hand to his mouth) But don't tell Beethoven that! He's already got a big ego... and he's deaf... and he's not alive. / (normal position) I'm glad we had this talk.

Narrator: What would happen if you farted during a prostate exam?

That Guy: Oprah does a jumping jack. Who'd have thought?

Narrator: What will you do when you run out of ways to say "Hello"?

That Guy: Probably go on a killing spree. / After all, I DO need a lot of Amish boys to make my violins. / And, thankfully, I only have (holds up two fingers) TWO more ways to say "Hello" left. So, look for me in the news, people! / That, or I'll just stop saying, "Hello." Either way works.

Narrator: If I dress up like you for Halloween, would you sue me?

That Guy: (chuckles) Of course not. What do you think? I'm just some sort of egomaniac that goes out and sues anybody that dresses like me? (laughs for a bit) No...

Narrator: Now I know my "ABCs." Next time, won't you sing with me?

That Guy: (angry) That wasn't "ABCs"; that was "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star!" / (really heated, pointing pipe at camera) I'LL SUE YOU! I'LL SUE ALL OF YOU! / Especially anyone who dresses up like me on Halloween! / (points finger at camera) Especially this guy! (cut to a photo of Hugh Hefner with the Girls Next Door at the Playboy Mansion) / (normal position and tone) See you in court.

Narrator: Spit or Swallow?

That Guy: Quite frankly, I think what I do with MY toothpaste is my own business.

Narrator: Can this question be any more obvious? That Guy: It sure can. Watch! / (music changes to Stars And Stripes Forever, and we see a massive fireworks display. Coming into view are the words, "CAN THIS QUESTION BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS????" Over this, we hear Doug give an announcer-style voice, deep and altered, with some sentences blending into each other)

Announcer: Obvious! OBVIOUS! OBVIOUS!! Yes, this question IS so obvious. It's OBVIOUS and beautiful. Spam is your friend. Canadians do NOT want to eat you. OBVIOUS!! (cut back to That Guy as normal music resumes)

That Guy: Too subtle? Fuck you. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END