Reimu's Look Back at Nicktoons

(NOTE: This is a sequel to Reimu's Top 11 Mindfucks. Read that story before you read this one.)

Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it! Guys, what was the one thing we all grew up on? (picture of...) Super Soakers? (picture of...) Sega? (picture of...) The corrupt forces of scholastic education? No! It was Nickelodeon! We have Nickelodeon in Gensokyo, and it was basically the same as it was for you guys in America back in its heyday. So taking a page from the Nostalgia Critic again, this is my look back on Nicktoons!

(Intro to the review, using a 90s Nickelodeon station identification promo, with footage of Reimu dancing and other goofy things superimposed over it)

Reimu (voiceover): Nick nick nick nick na nick nick nick! Nickelodeon! Nick nick nick nick na nick nick nick! (beat) NickelOOOOOOOOdeOOOOOOOOOOn!

(Footage of 90s Nickelodeon advertising)

Reimu (voiceover): Nickelodeon started in 1979 in Columbus, Ohio as the evolution of Channel C-3, the Pinwheel channel, on their QUBE interactive cable station. 24/7, Pinwheel showed (footage of...) Pinwheel, a crappy rip-off of Sesame Street, led by Dr. Vivian Horner, the co-creator of The Electric Company. Way to go. As time went by, Nickelodeon evolved into its own special thing, carrying (footage of You Can't Do That on Television, Danger Mouse, and Count Duckula) British and Canadian shows. In 1985, it was bought by MTV Networks, and it added (footage of...) older adult shows on the new Nick at Nite. But what we're looking at today happened in 1991, when Nickelodeon decided to make original cartoons. These were dubbed Nicktoons!

Reimu: Let's take a look at one of my favorites, Ren &amp; Stimpy.

The Ren & Stimpy Show
(Footage of The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show plays)

Reimu (voiceover): This was one of the first "rude" cartoons on TV, and people got into such an uproar over it.

Reimu: I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid, but I did anyway!

Reimu (voiceover): Look at all these disturbing close-ups! None of this had been done before on any children's cartoon show, and John Kricfalusi made it possible. You go, John K. Anyway, the show's about a chihuahua named Ren who sounds like Peter Lorre, and a stupid cat named Stimpy.

Ren: You sick little monkey!

Reimu (voiceover): I honestly admit, Ren is way better than Stimpy. I find it hard to describe the adventures they go on, so I'm just gonna take a go and say it's like walking down the street while stoned and having just watched a Bob Clampett cartoon. Oh, and a bunch of dirty jokes. And gay undertones. And of course, gross out humor.

(Footage of The Ren & Stimpy Show: Veediots! on SNES is shown.)

Reimu (voiceover): I've always had a bit of a problem with the video game they made out of this show. I can handle how it was in the episode, but for some reason, Stimpy's mouth here is DISGUSTING.

(Footage of the show)

Reimu: Now let's talk about Rugrats.

Rugrats
(Footage of Rugrats)

Reimu (voiceover): Even though it aired on Nick Jr. from 1994 to 1997, Rugrats is not for little kids. It's a show about babies for older kids. Think of it like anime. A show starring cute characters for older children and teens. One year old Tommy Pickles, his three year old cousin Angelica, his two year old best friend Chuckie Finster, and his OTHER best friends Phil and Lil DeVille can all hear each other speak, but the adults don't. Well, except for Rugrats in Paris

Chuckie: No!

Reimu (voiceover): One of my favorites has to be when Chuckie dreams about this...

Chuckie: Hey! Spike's not supposed ta talk! What's going on, Tommy?

Tommy: (with a weird clown face) I'm not Tommy! Hahahaha!

Chuckie: (wakes up) Aaaah!

Reimu: Classic. How about this part?

Chaz: Ah untroubled sleep for the innocent.

Reimu: Just wait for it...

Chaz: Stu, I didn't know you were coming over!

Reimu: Here it comes...

Stu: (with a weird clown face) I'm not Stu! Hahahahaha!

Reimu: It never gets old!

(Chaz wakes up screaming) Chaz: Aaaah!

Reimu: And the sting at the end is PERFECT..

Chuckie: And don't you try to scare me with that clown face again, dream Tommy. That's just silly.

Reimu: (trying not to laugh) I know, right?

Reimu (voiceover): Of course at one point, we all always wondered what these kids would look like when they eventually got older. I think everybody imagined that. So what Klasky-Csupo did was make a Rugrats special called "All Growed Up" for the 10th anniversary, and then turn THAT into a series called All Grown Up!

Reimu: Which everybody seems to hate. But I like!

(Footage of that show.)

Reimu: The kids' personalities have changed a lot.

(A few clips of Angelica from the show)

Reimu (voiceover): Angelica, for one, has gotten nicer. The twins, Phil and Lil, no longer eat gross stuff. Tommy has hair. Chuckie's not that much of a wuss anymore.

Reimu (voiceover): Okay, now that's over. Prepare yourself for the scariest, ugliest, most horrifying creation that Nickelodeon studios has ever produced.

== Doug == (Fade to black, then footage of the show Doug plays)

Reimu (voiceover): (demonically) DOUG! (normal) That was a joke, by the way. Unlike a certain someone, I never thought that much negatively of Doug.

Reimu: I mean, it's just a show about a kid in middle school with a big imagination. Perfect for background ambience while you're doing homework... or getting stoned.

Reimu (voiceover): My favorite character has to be Doug's sister Judy. She's a stoner hippie artist, as I like to put it. Bluffington must be Gensokyo. Everybody has weird Western names. Can you say, Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine, Bud Dink, Porkchop, or Patti Mayonnaise? What's next? Patchouli Knowledge, Orange, or Flandre Scarlet? Urgh. Also, because Jim Jinkins wanted to make everyone unique and stand out, everybody has unnatural skin colors.

Skeeter: Yo, man, let me take care of this.

(clip from ReBoot)

Bob: ReBoot!

Reimu: Blue lives matter!

Reimu (voiceover): The entire soundtrack is a capella, which I find pretty cool.

(A clip is shown with the soundtrack beatboxing)

Reimu: Pretty jazzy and beatboxy. Bum bum bum ba bum!

Reimu (voiceover): Both Doug and Roger are voiced by the same guy, by the way. And does anyone think Roger looks familiar?

(A quick shot of Lucas from The Wizard)

Reimu: LUCAS! Darling!

Reimu (voiceover): Doug was like a cross between Arthur and The Simpsons. But whereas The Simpsons got funny and Arthur was educational, Doug was pretty boring. And a living hell. For anyone named Doug, that is. Oh boy, guess what the next show is!

Rocko's Modern Life
(Footage from Rocko's Modern Life)

Reimu (voiceover): Rocko's Modern Life! This is my favorite Nicktoon and cartoon of all time! Well, minus (footage of SpongeBob) the show a lot of the staff who worked on this one went on to create. (footage of Rocko) The show stars an adorable little wallaby named Rocko. He's recently moved to the US from Australia.

Reimu: For some reason, I've always wanted to see what life was like for him in Australia. That'd be a - dare I say - more interesting show than the actual show. That's not to say I don't like it; I love it!

Reimu (voiceover): Of course since this was the '90s and the PC-ness of everything was lax, Rocko has an Australian accent. Which is flippin' adorable!

Rocko: There you go mate. Good as new.

(Reimu mouths the word "d'awwwwww" before going onto her next point)

Reimu: Must've been the battle of the boomerangs, koala bears, and wallabies. You know, the great war of the Australian stereotypes. (beat, then speaks dramatically as photoshopped stills of the following is shown) WHEN THE DINGOS FLEW HIGH INTO THE NIGHT, ATTACKING THE ARMIES OF SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE! But the ancient league of Foster's bombed all the alligator hunters, leaving nothing but the kangaroos and eucalyptus leaves to brave the darkness!

Reimu: Or so I've heard.

(Text "DIRECTLY COPIED FROM NOSTALGIA CRITIC" is shown underneath her for a brief moment.)

Reimu (voiceover): He makes friends in a steer named Heffer and a turtle named Filburt and his wife Dr. Hutchinson, a cat with a hook for a hand. And he lives next to Ed and Bev Bighead, who are voiced by the same guy, making Bev sound like a smoker. And the rest is like talking to a little girl with autism in the '90s.

Parent: (offscreen) Hey, kid, what do you wanna see on TV?

Kid!Reimu: (not looking at the Parent and hanging her head; speaks in a kid voice) I don't know.

Parent: (offscreen) Have some candy.

(Candy is thrown at Kid!Reimu, who greedily eats it. There is a brief close-up of her widening her eyes with a "ding!" sound.)

Kid!Reimu: (excitedly, over footage of the show) I wanna see an adorable little wallaby with a cute as hell voice! Then I wanna see him bite his nails, because that's just kawaii! Then I want them to tell me garbage day's dangerous!

Rocko: Garbage day is a very dangerous day.

Kid!Reimu: (excitedly) And then I want him to become the boss of the store he works at and let the power go through his head! (laughs hysterically, then immediately falls asleep)

Reimu (voiceover): I'm gonna attempt to describe what this show's like. For example, there's one episode where Rocko is visiting his uncle, Gib Hudson, who's a cowboy living in Texas on a cattle ranch. He doesn't smile at all, by the way. But that's not the weird part. No, the strange part is this!

Gib: (slams the door open on Rocko) Is that you ratso? You sure got fat, boy... [...] WHAT!? You ain't got the sense the good lord gave a cow-pie! Well GET IN HERE!

(Reimu is apparently aroused by this guy)

Reimu (voiceover): So for as... fucking weird as this gets, at least we get to hear him SING.

Gib: (singing) Now sit down...

(Reimu's jaw drops open)

Gib: (singing) Saved a whole truckload of cattle, ridin' high up in his saddle...

Reimu: I'm dead now.

(Footage of the show plays as Reimu comes to and resumes talking)

Reimu: Rocko's Modern Life is crack, rock cocaine, in a visual form aimed at children. That's all I need to say. Next show.

CatDog
(Footage of CatDog)

Reimu (voiceover): CatDog, created by Peter Hannan, is a show about a cat and a dog conjoined. This means they can't use the bathroom. Their parents were eaten by a fish or something. So this means they live with a mouse named Winslow, who sounds pretty familiar, if you ask me.

Winslow: What are you, nuts?

Reimu (voiceover): He's voiced by the same guy who voices Rocko, except he has a Brooklyn accent instead of an Australian accent now.

Reimu: (in imitation of Winslow) Garbage doi shawh is a dangaraws doi!

Reimu (voiceover): Back to the show. CatDog's always getting scammed by Rancid Rabbit and bullied by the Greasers; Cliff, Lube, and Shriek. Of course Shriek is the only girl. And is it me or does Cliff have sort of a speech impediment?

(A montage of Cliff saying "youse" instead of "you" is shown)

Reimu: I'm pretty sure he does.

Reimu (voiceover): One of my favorite episodes is the one where CatDog gets fleas and they have to share a flea collar. When Cat goes to sleep without the flea collar, he dreams he's in a darkness made of fleas and attempts to call out to Dog for help. But this happens.

(Dog has insectoid eyes and two pincers for a mouth)

Monster Flea!Dog: (in a SatAM Dr. Robotnik voice) Hiya... (laughs)

Reimu: For some reason, it's not scary at all to me. It's just funny as fuck. Probably because his voice is all demonic and creepy and he's just giving a friendly "Hiya!"

Reimu (voiceover): Some other episodes I like are (footage of...) the one about the cat club, (footage of...) the one where they're in the Mean Bob movie, and (footage of...) the one where they're looking for a third member to make decisions for them.

Bird: I am definitely not a kleptomaniac.

Reimu: Is it me, or does that guy sound like...

SpongeBob SquarePants
(Footage of SpongeBob SquarePants)

Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob SquarePants! Created by the former Rocko's Modern Life staff, this show's about a happy sea sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

SpongeBob: I'm ready!

Reimu (voiceover): He goes to work at the Krusty Krab, where he flips Krabby Patties for his greedy boss Mr. Krabs. Working alongside SpongeBob is a depressed octopus named Squidward Tentacles, who's also SpongeBob's neighbor.

Squidward: How did I get surrounded by such loser neighbors?

Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob's best friend is a dumb yet lovable sea star named Patrick Star.

Patrick: Well it may be stupid, but it's also dumb!

Reimu (voiceover): SpongeBob's other best friend is a squirrel from Texas named Sandy, who loves science and karate and has to wear an air suit when she goes places outside of her Treedome.

Reimu: I relate to her the most, minus the air thing.

Reimu (voiceover): And they have to deal with tough, nail-biting drama like "How will Mr. Krabs' daughter Pearl go to the prom if her date stood her up?" "How will we have fun if Mr. Krabs banned karate?" "How are we gonna get our favorite TV show back on the air?"

Mermaid Man: I wanna eat my meatloaf!

Reimu: Dude, it doesn't even taste good.

Reimu (voiceover): This show's still going on today. It became terrible after the first movie when the creator, Stephen Hillenburg, left, but after the second movie when he returned, it's gotten good again. It's strange to think that even if we're from different countries, we enjoyed Nickelodeon all the same. It had a lot of loud and bizarre shows and a lot of quiet and subtle shows as well. It was like the mood swings of children's programming. And we loved it. Every last bit of it.

Reimu: Nicktoons were different, surreal, and one of a kind, making it the one thing we all grew up on. And trust me when I say I'm not REALLY as weird about the whole Gib Hudson thing as I let on. I mean, it didn't leave nearly an impression as you may think.

("Wallaby of the West" plays, and Reimu gets a glazed look in her eyes)

Reimu: Oh my God... he's singing... THIS IS AWESOME! THIS IS AWESOME! HE'S KICKASS, HE'S KICKASS- (the song stops) I have no idea what just happened. I'm Reimu Hakurei - a miko who remembers it!

(The song starts again. Reimu looks like she's on LSD and falls backwards, taking her chair along with it.)