Some Jerk with a Camera: Star Tours (1987-2010) w/ Spazz Master and The Wire

[Preface]

[At the Country Bear Jamboree exit in Magic Kingdom, Jerk appear from the right holding a digital camera as a recording device.]

Jerk: Star Command, I'm detecting increasing levels of sappiness. Oh, greetings everyone. My name is Some Jerk with a Camera and welcome to Some Jerk with a Camera, where I review the attractions and paraphernalia of Disneyland and sometimes other theme parks on location from those parks themselves. I am thrilled and honored beyond words to be one of the newest members of the Channel Glasses... That... Awesome... with the Guy... Thing... Family. I'm currently hard at work on a brand new batch of episodes which will premiere in 2015. But, in the meantime, I thought I'd show you my back log!! [silence, crickets chirp] Good question, crickets. What you're about to see is the very first episode I ever did. First uploaded in February 3rd of 2011, it pretty much speaks for itself. Enjoy! [walks to a statue of a Waiter Bear] Ahh! A Bear!!

[Titles: Jerk stands in front of an art gallery of Disneyland theme parks]

Jerk: To all who come to this happy place, welcome. I'm Some Jerk with a Camera.

Jerk [v/o]: Disneyland, USA. Who doesn't love this place? It's a home away from home for kids of all ages, a passport to worlds unknown, a tent pole of the American zeitgeist, a place I'd like to point towards when they bury my carcass, a joyous land of--

[Cut to Jerk holding a bottle of orange juice]

Jerk: $4.29 FOR AN ORANGE JUICE? YOU BUNCH OF FU--

[Cut to Jerk driving in his car]

Jerk: Yes, you can't really love something unless you're willing to mock it for all it's worth. Just look at your children. And that's why this show is devoted to the joys and the frustrations, the trials and tribulations of the attractions and paraphernalia--ations of the second happiest place on Harbor Boulevard, next to that Swedish massage parlor down the street.

[Jerk snaps his fingers and now she's at the Jungle Cruise dock. We hear a car crash in the distance.]

Jerk: Ughh! God that hurts. For my very first episode, I'd like to review a peculiar piece of park paraphernalia, the very first movie ever based on a Disney theme park attraction. It's a story about a lonely band of rogues outcast from society, desperate creatures forced to scrounge for whatever they can get while constantly at each other's necks. It's a story of their quest for redemption and their rise to power. I refer, of course, [Poster of said movie is shown] to The Country Bears.

[Cut to clip from The Critic, a parody version of The Country Bear Jamboree plays]

CBJ: We're the bears that sing for Duke, doo-dah doo-dah.

Jerk: [long pause] [train blow] What?

Jerk [v/o]: Yes, before the Pirates movie, there was the Country Bears movie, based on Country Bear Jamboree. If you've never seen Country Bear Jamboree, it's... pretty much what you see in your head when you hear the words "Country Bear Jamboree." What a strange choice for a first movie. I mean granted, these guys inspired the revered Chuck-E-Cheese House Band like the Beatles inspired Oasis and granted that you've all heard of the Country Bear Jamboree...

[Cut to clip from The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing]

Homer: It's like a freaking Country Bear Jamboroo around here.

Jerk [v/o]: But does anyone actually... like it? Was anyone begging for this to be adapted to the silver screen? This is corny, cornier than corn itself. If the entire state of Iowa ate nothing but corn for a year, you know, for a change, their sewers wouldn't be half as corny as this shit.

Henry: Yes folks, we only have high-class stuff on this show.

Jerk [v/o]: I mean, if you're like me, then the only reason you've seen it so much is because the line for Splash Mountain was too damn long and you just for the love of God wanted some air conditioning.

Jerk: Well, movie theaters have air conditioning, too, so why not? [pause] Here's why not?