MarzGurl Discusses The Land Before Time XI

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MarzGurl (vo): We're closing in on the end of the series. Here's The Land Before Time XI, and for a movie series that hasn't been basing most of its content on scientific fact, it sure is pretending like it knows what it's talking about.

Narrator: Our vast universe is filled with objects of incredible size, objects separated by distances too great to measure. But, it's also made up of many millions of particles far too small to see. And these tiny things are just as important to life as the large ones.

MarzGurl (vo): I also love this comment from the narrator.

Narrator: But small things can be very important. The dinosaurs of the Great Valley knew that.

MarzGurl (vo): And following that statement is a long series of events that suggest that no, they didn't understand that small things were as equally important as big things. We see our main characters hovering around some tree with some amazingly delicious flower buds. Apparently, they aren't allowed to eat them until some day called Nibbling Day. Why? I don't know, it seems they only recently found this tree. Anyway, they have to wait until everybody is there to feast on it. Cera insists that she was the first one to find the tree, but everybody remembers that it was technically Littlefoot first. That's when she makes a strikingly mean comment, even for Cera; She starts making fun of him for being so short.

Cera: I'm just saying you're not exactly normal sized for a longneck, are you?

Littlefoot: I-I'm still growing.

Cera: Oh, is that what's happening? Huh, it's taking awhile, isn't it?

MarzGurl (vo): I don't get it, you're all about the same age, none of you have grown. It's not like Ducky and Petrie are surpassing him in height or anything, so really, I don't get it. Only now after Littlefoot has had the name Littlefoot for ten straight movies does he get a size complex? That's bullcrap! In the meantime, we start spending some time with Cera's dad. Huh, that's weird, nobody cares about Cera's dad.

Tria: Topsy, is that really you? (gasps) Topsy, it is you!

MarzGurl (vo): Oh...oh, we're being introduced to some lady threehorn. Great, just what this series needed. And just what is this fine lady's name?

Topsy: Tria?

MarzGurl (vo): Oh, I get it: Tria, Cera and Topsy, Tri-cera-tops. This is crap! Well, Cera catches the two of them being flirty and gets jealous and pissed off. This isn't anything new. A little while later, nobody can manage to make Littlefoot feel any better about being small, so in a fit of frustration, he tries to snag a bite off the top of that tasty tree, but guess what? He's too little to grab at it, haha! He falls through the tree and this, somehow, knocks every single flower off every branch on the tree. Littlefoot passes out and wakes up to find a tiny longneck eating a flower off his nose. Not only that, but he's surrounded by a ton of these little suckers. And somehow, this small group of tiny dinosaurs managed to eat all of the flowers. Something here tells me that those little guys aren't really very likely to be able to finish off an entire tree full of flowers. And here comes the rest of the Great Valley come to see what happened to the tree, so Littlefoot tells the partial truth and says he saw the tiny longnecks come out and eat all the flowers from the tree, never mind the fact that Littlefoot was the one who caused the flowers to fall from the tree to begin with. Now, how about we sing about how much we hate tiny things?! That sounds like an amazing number!

Topsy: (singing) Creepy crawlies

Ducky's mom: (singing) Creepy crawlies

Rainbow face and club tail: (singing) Everybody hates those little creepy crawlies

Tria: (singing) They tickle and they bite

Ducky's mom: Oh!

Petrie's mom: (singing) They sneak around at night

Tria: Oh!

Topsy: (singing) Everything about them is just not right!

MarzGurl (vo): You know, in every single movie, the adults somehow manage to prove that they're far less rational than the children are. Take this movie, for example, the adults start scouring the Great Valley for tiny things because they think they're gross or evil or whatever. In the process, they start bumping over each other, getting stuck in stuff, and chasing after their own tails. Yep, these are the geniuses running the place. But the kids? Hell, they have this whole "taking things maturely" thing figured out, naturally. In the process of looking for these tiny dinosaurs, Littlefoot falls through a hole just his size, and what's down here? Why, it's the tiny dinosaurs, of course. He doesn't take to it very well. We watch him run down through this horribly rendered 3D corridor where he finally stops and gets to know the family of tiny longnecks. They seem alright, they even recognize him, and on top of that, knowing these tiny dinosaurs is giving him some boost of self confidence regarding his size complex, but for some reason, Littlefoot lies.

Skitter: I ate a treesweet off your nose. I stood right on top of you.

Littlefoot: Sorry, not me.

MarzGurl (vo): I really don't understand the point of this lie, I mean, usually when you lie, its to get out of something bad or to benefit you in some way. For this reason, his lie seems really pointless to me. I don't get it, why would he want the tiny longnecks to think he wasn't there? I mean, they obviously seem to be taking to him well, mostly. Since they started to get along, Littlefoot starts bringing the tiny dinosaurs some fresh green food. As you can imagine, Littlefoot has stayed up all night feeding them in the dark, so he starts sleeping throughout the course of the day. Sure, that doesn't make him obvious. This continues for awhile, all the while, Cera continues to be jealous of Tria. It's more irritating than anything, and past that, there really isn't anything exciting happening. But finally, after enough movie time passes, Littlefoot's friends follow him to meet the tiny longnecks. They all, of course, decide that they aren't so bad, even Cera starts happily getting along with one of them (Lizzie) and finds that they have a lot in common with one another, which is when they decide to start singing about it.

Cera: (singing) Dads can be a problem, dads can be a pain / They always act just like they think you've got no brain

MarzGurl (vo): Oh yeah, these tiny longnecks have a dad (Big Daddy). He's pretty hardcore, actually, have you seen the jaw on this guy? It's amazing, he's the manliest tiny thing I've ever seen! Anyway, now that all the kids have been hanging out all night with the tiny dinosaurs, they're all sleepy during the day. Again, how is anybody not noticing their behavior? I mean, the adults seem to notice they're sleepy, but they don't ever put two and two together, like,"Gee, seems like none of our children have been getting enough sleep, should we ask them what they've been up to that's been keeping them awake at all hours?" Of course, no questions like that ever come up, but we do get some time with Tria and Cera. Tria gets all up in Cera's business about the attitude she's been giving, and suggests that they both just try to be friends. This seems to work. Okay, conflict over, now what? Well finally, the kids get caught, sort of. Cera's dad catches them awake and he tells them to go back to sleep. This keeps the tiny dinosaurs from being able to eat, so when the kids don't deliver them food, that's when one of the little dinosaurs goes out hunting for grub. Of course, since Cera's dad is awake, he sees them and chases them right back down into their hole. At that very moment of the night, he rallies the adult troops and starts a plan of attack on the tinysauruses. The kids don't like it, even Tria doesn't like it, but Cera's dad is all in a huff about it and he suddenly wigs out at the woman he supposedly is starting to love. Hah, classic, I love how this character manages to push away everybody who could possibly ever love him. Well, Littlefoot can't handle this anymore, so while the adults are about to push a rock on top of the tiny dinosaurs' hole, Littlefoot decides to clear up the mess about how that one tree really became so bare.

Littlefoot: I'm the one who pulled all the treesweets off the treesweet tree!

MarzGurl (vo): And that's all that's needed to be said. Past that, nobody gripes at him, nobody punishes him or anything, they're just satisfied and start going back to their own business. Well, too late, it doesn't matter, because the rock crumbles and falls on top of the tinysaurs' hole, anyway. Littlefoot feels bad and then sings about it.

Littlefoot: (singing) If only I could start all over, and take things back somehow / I wouldn't have lied or tried to hide, if I knew then what I know now.

MarzGurl (vo): At this point, the tinysaurs have to figure out something else to do with their lives, so they go off looking for another exit to their little underground cave. They find an exit, all right, and it happens to be to the Mysterious Beyond, where they manage to find Sharptooths immediately. And apparently, the cave is so big that these Sharptooths can fit right in!

Skitter: But those Sharpteeth are headed toward the Great Valley!

MarzGurl (vo): So what if they're headed for the Great Valley? That entrance was covered up by a ton of rocks, what are they even gonna do once they get there?

(The Sharpteeth enter the Great Valley by squeezing through a hole in the rocks)

MarzGurl (vo): Oh, okay, never mind, I guess that rock was no big deal. Hey wait, if these guys can just waltz on through, why is it that the tinysaurs can't get back out? Wow, I'm confused. Well, Littlefoot's off being sad because his friends are mad at him, Cera makes Tria feel better, and then she goes out to tell the others to apologize to Littlefoot. It's not exciting, it's just a bunch of loose ends trying to resolve themselves. But that's when the Sharptooths start wreaking havoc! The animation right around here gets really rubbery, it's kind of uncomfortable to look at. Anyway, despite the fact that there's all these adults around who are as big as, if not, bigger than these Sharptooths, it's actually the tinysaurs that return to save the day...with tickling. Man, I really wish I was making that up. So since everybody saved each other and the Sharptooths run off, the tinysaurs end up staying in the Great Valley in the company of everybody else, and the following year, they all eat the sweet tree flowers together in a big, scary, poorly rendered 3D group. And thus, the story ends, along with a reprise of what was probably the worst song in the movie.

Big Daddy: (v/o; singing) Stupid stompers, clumsy clumpers / Eating all the treestars with their giant chompers

Lizzie: (v/o; singing) They're always everywhere, their noses in the air

Skitter: (v/o; singing) And if they squish and squash us flat

Big Daddy: (v/o; singing) They just don't care!

(Cuts to MarzGurl, who's sporting a new look)

MarzGurl: So, that was The Land Before Time XI for you. Now, it wasn't the worst Land Before Time movie I ever saw, but that doesn't mean it was a good movie, and tinysaurs? Really, I can think of a lot better plot points to add to a movie than tinysaurs.

(Suddenly, Juno the Sorceress pops in)

Juno: HAHA! I have returned! It's taken me nine movies, but I'm back! After all, there is nothing out there that can stop Juno the Sorce-wait, wait a minute, who are you?

MarzGurl: I'm MarzGurl, who are you?

Juno: I'm Juno the Sorceress, and there's no way that you're MarzGurl!

MarzGurl: I'm afraid it's true. Have we met before?

Juno: Well, it isn't true! The person I'm looking for has blue hair and this stupid jumpsuit thing going on, and you're definitely not her.

MarzGurl: Wow, that outfit sounds awful. Anyway, I don't know why we're arguing, it's obvious that I'm not who you're looking for.

Juno: But you just said you were.

MarzGurl: Well, maybe you're just thinking of another MarzGurl, I mean, it's a pretty popular name online.

Juno: No...no, I don't think it is, actually. Anyway, no matter, I'm here to disrupt your viewing of The Land Before Time XI!

MarzGurl: Oh, sorry, you just missed it.

Juno: I did?

MarzGurl: Yeah, and quite honestly, it really wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen.

Juno: It wasn't?

MarzGurl: Nah, but it's not really something I want to sit through again, you know.

Juno: Oh, well, if that's the case, then I won't trouble you with it. I'll just be getting out of your hair now. Oh, and if you do happen to see a girl with blue hair and a dumpy, black jumpsuit, do be sure to let me know.

MarzGurl: Will do, miss...uh, what was the name again?

Juno: I'm Juno the Sorceress!

(Juno waves her scepter and disappears)

MarzGurl: Well, that's that-

Juno: (off-screen; slightly muffled) Hello, can you help me for a moment? I think I just poofed myself into your closet!

(Credits are shown)