Apocalypse How?

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Exclusive to the Suburban Knights DVD - Note: at times, the actor's name is listed here for when they are speaking out of character.

We begin with footage from the Suburban Knights trailer, at the point where we hear:

Nostalgia Critic [NC]: Stand, ...reviewers... of the Internet!

''The trailer continues right up until we see the SK title screen. At this point, enter our narrator, as background music from the movie fades up underneath:''

Doug Walker (voice-over): Hello, this is Doug Walker, [a pic of Doug dissolves in and slowly zooms in, too] a.k.a. That Guy with the Glasses. And I am, for lack of a better word, the director [cut to more trailer scenes] of the seven-part online movie Suburban Knights. This is the third-year anniversary of the comedy site, thatguywiththeglasses.com. [cut to the scenes from the Year One Brawl] The first year, we got several of our producers together for a brawl. Aaaaaand it was a big hit. [we see the scene where 8-Bit Mickey clotheslines Angry Joe; then we cut to bits from the 'Kickassia' trailer] The second year, we got our producers together for the invasion of a micronation in Reno. Aaaaaand it was also a big hit. [cut back to the SK title screen, followed by behind-the-scenes (BTS) footage until noted] So the pressure was on to make the third-year anniversary even bigger than the other two. Both were shot with the producers in [cut to a graphic where we see the Year One title screen, next to "= Shot in 1 Day"; underneath, the Kickassia'' title graphic next to "= Shot in 4 Days". Underneath that is the SK logo, next to "= Shot in 4 Days". Each part comes in step-by-step]'' only four days as scheduling could allow, and this time would be no exception. [back to BTS footage] This would be tricky, seeing how the script, now written by both me and my brother Rob Walker, clocked in at [the screen darkens a bit so that the graphic "2 Hours and 8 Minutes" can dissolve in] just a little over two hours. [back to Kickassia trailer, which also darkens to show "1 Hour and 30 Minutes"] The longest Kickassia ever reached was an hour-and-a-half. [back to BTS footage] But, as always, we wanted to outdo ourselves. The plan was to prepare more, shoot a lot of my scenes later, and choose locations that would be more accomodating than the rocky grounds of Reno. This... did NOT go according to plan.

''The BTS footage fades as the tail end of the Suburban Knights is brought up. Also dissolve in is the title, in old-style-English font and in two sections: "Apocalypse How? [in big tan letters] A Filmmaker's Fart of Darkness [in smaller white letters]" - these fade out, as does the music. After a few seconds, we fade in on a series of stills as follows: Todd [Nathanson] In The Shadows and Film Brain [Mathew Buck], from their reviews, and Lindsay Ellis and Lewis Luvhaug [Linkara] in candid photos.''

Doug (v/o): Problems began with scheduling. There was a big debate about who could come, when they could come, and what week all of them would be available to shoot. Because of this, [at this point, we dissolve from Linkara to a zoom-out of the front page of the script: Dungeons and Critics (Working Title) By Doug and Rob Walker] the script was delayed and constantly changed. And let's be honest: it's kinda hard to write for people [dissolves to a table at a Denny's where Ed Glaser, [Angry] Joe Vargas, Justin Carmichal [JewWario], Lewis, and Brad Jones [Cinema Snob] are in conversation] you're not entirely sure are gonna be in your movie or not. This meant we didn't have a lot [dissolve to a wide shot of Doug filming Todd & Film Brain "fighting" each other] of time to check out our equipment, despite the fact that we were now using a new camera. [cut to more of the Kickassia trailer] And, again, we had to use the mic that we used from Kickassia to cut down on wind resistance. [cut to the Walker house with Bhargav Dromanraju shooting some of the equipment needed for filming] Bargo filmed the behind-the-scenes footage. [Bargo turns the camera on himself, in extreme close-up]

Bhargav [Bargo] Dronamraju: [in dramatic fashion, complete with drawn-out pauses] Day One. Pick-ups. And explaining the schedule. [fast pan-around to:] DOUG!

Doug: ''[in his computer chair. At first he looks surprised. He quickly starts "crying"]'' We're all gonna di-i-i-iie! [sobs for a bit, then says with a high-pitched whine:] We're all gonna die... [he trails off as Bargo pans back to himself]

Bargo: Yeah, so everything's going pretty well. [Cut to Bargo at the wheel of his van at the nearest Holiday Inn on transporation duty]

Doug (v/o): We had trouble again on the days of picking people up. Despite the fact that [dissolve to a stock photo of a partly sunny sky] two days ago called for sunny skies, [we fade to black] THIS is what we got: [cut to a shot of what may be downtown Chicago under a deluge of early-evening rain; sounds of rainfall for a few seconds] ...causing several flights to be delayed and even cancelled.

''Cut to a nearby restaurant with some of the producers - including Noah Antwiler [Spoony], Phelan Porteous [Phelous], Allison Pregler [Obscurus Lupa], Luke Mochrie, Mathew, Rob, and Doug - and perhaps Lewis and Brad, too, but we don't see them here - hanging out. They look on as Lindsay and Joe are about to engage in a "friendly" competition. Not sure if Bargo filmed this, but he might've have.''

But for the producers who did make it in, this didn't dampen their spirits... or their lust for arm-wrestling.

With everyone looking on, and Noah even waving around some money, we see that Joe easily defeats Lindsay in a right-handed match.

Joe Vargas: Wow! Been working out!

''Cut to later, when it's "Take 2", as the on-screen graphic shows. This time, it's left-handed.''

Joe: Wait a minute! ''[he starts laughing because he's having a harder time now. After a while, Rob's right hand comes in, while he's on the phone, to try and help Linsday win]'' Hey! ''[Eventually, Joe tries to grab Lindsay's left biceps to distract her. In turn, she quickly grabs Joe's left wrist with her right arm and quickly brings him down with a thud. Some people react with a few surprised laughs]''

Lindsay Ellis: That's what you get!

''Cut to "Take 3", so says the graphic. Now Lindsay is taking on Rob, left-handed. This one is pretty one-sided.''

Lewis Luvhaug: (off-screen) Over The Top 2.

Rob Walker: [as he is about to win] The pain! [he eventually does win, as Lindsay drops her head in shame]

We cut to later where Lindsay and Allison are preparing to square off in a right-handed match.

Unknown: Oh, I expect to see fan-fic of this.

''"Take 4" begins as some of the other producers cheer on the women, who are locked in battle. Doug, Rob, and Noah are each waving money in their hands. Dissolve to "Several Minutes Later..." as the guys are now cheering on Allison, who looks focused as opposed to Lindsay - she's straining. Dissolve to "Several More Minutes Later..." when it's still a stalemate as Lindsay screams out while someone else ululates.''

Unknown: Come on, Lupa, go Over The Top! ''[Joe eventually "makes it rain" on the combatant's hands. We dissolve again to later in the match, and it doesn't seem like either one has made any progress:]''

Unknown: Oh my God!

Unknown: Not since Stallone...

Joe: It's Lupa! Now it's Lindsay! ''[We dissolve again. And still, no change:]''

Rob: You shouldn't be turning me on right now. ''[Some of the others laugh. We dissolve AGAIN, and the women are still pretty even]'' Would somebody please, dear God, do it? We're getting bored!

Bargo: Yeah. ''[We see Joe trying to tip the scales in favor of Lindsay. It doesn't work as we see YET ANOTHER dissolve]''

Rob: If you lose, Lindsay, Dune is the better movie.

Lindsay: No! ''[This gets some action into the match, And after one FINAL dissolve... we see that Allison is finally gaining ground]''

Bargo: Someone win! Someone... [in what seems like an eternity, Allison finally takes down Lindsay's hand] Oh!

Allison Pregler [Lupa]: [raising her hands in victory] WOOOOO!

Unknown: Dune is the better movie! [said as Bargo laughs]

Lindsay: The pain! [as Joe tries to console her]

Doug: Lindsay's like, [imitating Rocky Balboa] "Cut me, Mick! Cut me, Mick!"

Allison: That was the most awkward arm-wrestling ever.

''We cut to the Denny's where it's "Take 5!!!!!!" for Lindsay. Bargo is filming as she prepares to take on a familiar French foe left-handed.''

Benjamin Daniel [Benzaie]: This is my weaker arm, and I'm really tired and...

Lindsay: My weaker arm, too.

Ben: I've been awake for the past twenty-four hours.

Lindsay: I'm a girl. ''[We cut to the match, and Ben quickly dispatches Lindsay in just a few seconds. Lindsay lets out a strained cry of disgust.]''

Bargo: [sarcastically] Wow! That was really surprising.

Lindsay: He's a strong little Frenchman.

Ben: Dude, I can lift anybody on this table.

Lindsay: [taking him up on the offer] All right, let's do it. ''[We cut to a few seconds later as we see Ben lift up Lindsay over a foot up off the ground. She's almost crying out because she didn't expect him to be that strong - frankly, no one else did. As he sets her back down, she almost falls over backwards on her heeled boots, which gets the attention of some neighboring customers]''

Ben: Land on your feet. Make sure you land on your feet.

Lindsay: I'm wearing heels!

''As she collects herself, off-screen, we hear someone [possibly Ed Glaser] say, as the caption reads: "This is not the place to pick up chicks." Ben and Lindsay laugh. Cut to later, and Ben's not done. We see Ben pick up Lewis at the same level he did Lindsay.''

Lewis: Put me down now. [Ben does so] Oww.

Bargo: Benzaie's cut, man!

Lindsay: Benzaie is cut.

Bargo: Shit! Watch his back!

Ben: Linkara's pretty heavy, though. I couldn't keep...

Bargo: [camera pans back to him] Benzaie's my bodyguard, shit!

''We cut to inside a hotel room inside the Holiday Inn, where the production meeting with the cast is underway. Doug and Rob are "Going Over the Shooting Schedule" (thank you, graphic) to everyone else.''

Doug: All right, it's pretty much... In a way, it's gonna sorta be like Kickassia in that the four days we shoot, it's just gonna be...

Rob: Straight through.

Doug: All... yeah, it's just gonna be straight through. Uh, but the good news is- I'll tell ya as I get to the schedule here. Okay, Wednesday, that's tomorrow: uh, everybody's gonna be in the lobby waiting to leave at 7:00. Not... not 7:10, not seven- [blabbers a bit] 7:00. And we're gonna make it to, uh, my house. At my hou- we're gonna shoot all the indoor scenes, which is- you know, that's both Team One and Team Two. And, uh, we're gonna shoot all the indoor scenes where we all meet up, we get into costumes... / [jump cut] So bring your costume with you. You'll be able to change there.

Rob: We have rooms you can change in. All hidden cameras will be removed. [chuckles from some]

Doug: [holding his pinky finger to his mouth] Well, most of them.

Unknown: (off-screen) Ohh....

Doug: Thursday, the weather is supposed to be good. And that's gonna be Team One. We're gonna be in the lobby at 6 AM. This is something where we need as much daylight as possible 'cause we're shooting a lit. Now, the other thing with that is that, anytime, whatever, I make a big speech, or we have somebody that's saying a lot of lines that lives here, we're just gonna shoot that stuff later so we can get our scenes done. / Uh, Friday, that's gonna be Team Two. So that means that, on Thursday, everybody in Team Two, you get that day off. You don't have to worry about anything.

Unknown: (off-screen) Nice.

Doug: Saturday is the big climax. That's the- you know, that, that's all the scenes in the field. So that's us in the field, leaving, telling Ma-Ti to piss off. And then, uh, the big climax where Ma-Ti comes back and tells us to piss off. Possibly gonna be the most physical. Yes?

Why do you hate us?

Rob: I, I will address this one. And unlike some teams who get a break So all complaints can be directed to my FIST!!

Doug: Sunday is totally free. Monday is totally free. Those are totally reserved

Rob: Comas.

Rob: Pray.

Rob: I'm not joking.

Noah Antwiler: Who Killed Doctor Insano?

Rob: That is a Hail Mary pass.

Doug: You know, they said today was gonna be thunderstorms; it's just rain.

Day 1:

Bargo: Just now starting production: principal photography.

Noah: I'm not in this room.

Doug: Ready, and go. [the cast follows the pencil as Doug moves it up and down for a few seconds] Good!

Rob: I wasn't feeling it from you, Brad.

Doug: I didn't believe that nod.

Bargo: This is the first time I'm seeing this. This is...

Rob: Disgusting.

Bargo: Wow, you're, like, going to a wedding.

Bargo: I killed your father.

Bennett White [Sage]: I look like I'm being pooped out of a moose!

Bargo: Pedobear: The meme is alive. Can you do the claw? [Sage does so] Yes!

Bargo: And Dr. Jones.

Brad Jones: I'm very tired right now, Shorty. (laughs)

Bargo: (whispering) That's Holly [Christine Brown], the site administrator! Whataya got there?

Holly Christine Brown: (whispering) Highlighters! Four colors! Yeeaahh!

Bargo: Is it just me, or does it feel like we're pre-gaming for a Halloween party?

Holly: It kinda does.

Doug (v/o): So the first day of shooting had begun, And for the most part, it went rather well. ...when they could.

Bargo: People don't realize that the majority of acting is waiting. Waiting for an absolution... that may never come.

Doug: Musicals, there's gayer.

Noah: Rent is my most hated musical.

Noah: I hate Spring Awakening.

Lewis: Well, excuse me... maybe knights shouldn't go around bashing each other in the head!

Doug: That's why there had swords: to cut flowers!

Lewis: No!

Spoony: No, you shall not pass!

Bargo: All right. Good stuff.

Doug (v/o): And then, Day 2 happened. Day... Fucking... Two.

William Dufresne: Hi, I'm Suede. We're here in the bright, sunny, sun-drenched beaches of Chicago. So, surprise, everyone! Yay! (chuckles)

Bargo: So, yeah, Bemis Woods is closed. And now, we're in a desperate situation.

Lindsay: Who's bitching?

Lindsay: They have these permit things; and I swear to God I told Doug, "You've gotta get a fucking permit for every single place you go. They might charge you, but you won't regret it cuz at least it'll be open." I was, like, freaking out...

Bargo: I'm thinking the whole haunted-house/murder-mystery last-ditch effort would be the best thing to go.

Doug (v/o): so we had to keep principal photography to the narrow street.

Bargo: Ensign, what is that? It looks like a Rob. A Rob Walker.

Doug (v/o): And guess who was right in the middle with little covering ourselves?

Bargo: This is Benzaie's warm-up routine when it's cold out here...

Bargo: Look at that sexy motherfucker.

Doug (v/o): People could see their breath... where I had to show my bulbous, goosebumped legs. God, this joke wasn't worth it.

Bargo: It is now hour Three-ish... sit-pile, which is nice. Keeps us warm.

Bargo: It's finally time for Sage's scene. I mean, Suede's.

William: Did you just call me Sage?

Bargo: I'm like the third person to do this.

Doug (v/o): harsher than ever.

Doug: It's just beginning!

Bargo: Damn!

Rob: Day Three: we come back!

Lewis: When it's warmer!

Doug (v/o): But as we checked the weather reports Because of this, the shots had to be done that day.

Bargo: We're all miserable!

Doug (v/o): And getting colder and colder and colder. Our line producer, Holly, said that we need to move or people are going to freeze. I couldn't have agreed more. We white-knuckled everything else we had to do. Shooting what we absolutely needed.

Doug (v/o): But the day wasn't over. The mood was quiet, very quiet. Even Lewis, who practically breather videomaking, was having a hard time keeping a chipper attitude.

Phelous: Big.... strong hands!

Everyone else in Team One: SHUT UP!

Ben: Aparently, I need to try the Car Bomb.

Doug (v/o): Then another ball dropped.

Bargo: Luckily, we have two extra day We may have to do split teams. With the weather the way it is

Mike Michaud: We're gonna have problems with the departures

Bargo: And this is Mike, our CEO

Mike. Hey.

Bargo: we're in the process of possibly making THIS the feature. Hey!

Doug (v/o): I spent most of the days making calls in bed. I didn't brush my teeth. I was pretty fucking gross. I was convinced I had totally doomed this production.

Joe: Lupa, give me more room! God!

Allison: Sorry!

Doug (v/o): to discuss the future of the production, which we all could see was undeniably shaky.

Rob:

Doug:

Rob:

Doug:

Rob:

Doug:

Rob:

Mike: Still, they're all together.

Rob: I'm not entirely against it.

Doug: Rob brought up a good point that- as a company,

Mike: I honestly just say we go the documentary approach. And then... I don't know.

Doug (v/o): The only one missing from that meeting was Holly, who was also pretty busy herself. When she heard about the decision we were going to make, we'd let the producers decide.

Doug (v/o): We gathered everybody in a room. And then, this happened:

Doug: Okay, so, we've been talking it over, and... pretty much... But I wanted to see with everyone here, A lot of us were not wearing much. I could tell people were getting cranky.

Justin Carmical: What if we crumple it up and throw it at you?

Doug: I'll take it as a "no."

Joe: We've already talked about it.

Rob: You guys are aware we could have rain.

Todd Nathanson: I can't promise we won't be cranky, but we will do it!

Joe: I can promise we won't be cranky.

Joe: We are giving up everything in order to finish the production. SO if we just work to get to a single goal

Lindsay, Doug, we want to help.

Lewis: We are at your disposal.

Bennett: We might be miserable on the set; but the day after, we'll look back on it and say, "That was fucking awesome."

Lewis: I'm doing a speech, I'm doing a speech. Doug...

Lewis: YOU are That Guy with the Glasses. There would be no Nostalgia Chick. There would not have been so many of us.

Doug: Uh, hearing that gives me so much motivation.

Bennett; Slow clap. Slow clap.

Doug (v/o): In light of all this, I think Holly said it best when she said this:

Holly: I just want to take this opportunity to say, "I fucking told you so."

Bargo: how are you gonna utilize them more?

Doug (v/o): Everybody started chipping in. Lindsay and Ed strongly suggested Even Allison haned over one of her camera batteries. The other actor, Jim Troken, The role of the houseowner But even with all that said, Well, as luck would have it, the sun started to shine again. "Never listen to the weather report" so that we wouldn't show the fact that we're all clearly wearing warm pants.

Rob: He just doesn't decide to use that shot.

Rob: Maybe Doug should, you know, take his pants off more often.

Bargo: If only.

Lewis: Only this.

Bargo: All right, and that's a wrap!

Orlando Belisle Jr. [Malachite]: I'm okay! I'm okay!

Doug: I just realized, why don't we use that take,

Orlando: Can we still do the backflip?

Doug: Orlando wants to do this.

Doug: Everyone quiet! And go!

Elisa Hansen: Where did you get this hair?

Orlando: Umm, my dad is from Belize

Bargo: I'm sorry.

Doug: Hey, guys, is this a funeral going on?

Spoony: For not all tears are an evil.

Noah: That's what he says.

Doug (v/o): As Day 4 came, things went a LOT smoother.

Cloak 1: This slide was not made for the husky gentleman.

Film Brain: It's not a cloak! IT'S FILM BRAIN!!

Todd: I don't care! I can't see a thing!

Rob: This was the result of Suede

Rob: That was with your scabbard.

Brian: Not a proper anniversary until Rob gets badly hurt.

Rob: Next ear, you're a cameraman.

Noah: Okay.

Snob: They're catching up!

Doug: Ready, and go!

Cloak 1: Cloak 2, don't be a hero!

Brian: Well, professionally.

Doug: I couldn't hear over a plane!

Cloak 1: Look into them!

Rob: We're gonna have the cops called! "There's some little girl under attack!"

Joe: I thought there was more

Elisa: Okay, well, we can still use more and redo it more loosely.

Doug (v/o): Despite her saying, and I'm quoting here, "I want to do it AGAIN!!", we

Bargo: We're about to get... Team Two is finished Yay!

Justin: So excited! SO excited. The shoot went really well. And uh,

Doug (v/o): Lindsay, Lewis and I 

Bargo: So what do we have here, Lupa?

Allison: We got it from Target. It was on sale.

Ben: He hasn't done a French impression yet?

Bargo: But he won't because that's the kind of man he is!

Bargo: Day's coming to an end. Almost. Yeah, it's nice. Film Brain just left.

Doug (v/o): We had the wrap party at my place.

Rob: No more dropping beer! That's alcohol abuse!

Bargo: This is a... pretty interesting night.

Doug: Two things really, really pulled me through. The first one

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