17

Ask ThatGuy Episode 17 [August 15, 2008]

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, [Salutes in sign language]! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: Recently I've been listening to the song "End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M and for some reason the song seems to describe our current reality. Do you think REM was right, and that it's truly the end of the world?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. My answer is yes, I do believe it’s the end of the world. For you see the Iraqis have not enjoyed the fact that we invaded their home. So all the Iraqis will come together in one gigantic group. And form a giant Iraqis Man. He will be like Godzilla but Iraqis. And when our armies try to stop Iraqis Man he will fire little Iraqis at us. They will be strapped with explosives and they will blow the shit out of us. But Iraqis Man will need more weaponry thus he will go and find the weapons of mass destruction. Which were in Iraq all along. Where you may ask? In the back of Saddam Hussein’s fridge. No one ever thinks to look in the back of the fridge. And that is where Osama Bin Laden is hiding too. In the back of the fridge. Iraqis Man will destroy the United States and eventually the world. And when there is nobody else but Iraqis Man he will sit down and watch his favorite movie, Road House. Because, as we all know, that is every Iraqis’ favorite movie. What Iraqis can resist Patrick Swayze? You might ask, how do I know all this information? Because REM told me so. And they are never wrong. Except when they are not right. I apologize for wasting these precious moments of your time. If you’d like to get your moments back please go to this address [a web address pops up] and you’ll find that all your moments are waiting there. And you’ll get a full refund on the time I wasted. Sorry.

Narrator: How can I spot a rick roll?

ThatGuy: You can’t. I won’t lie to you about your chances. You have my sympathy. I admire its purity.

Narrator: What time does the 7:00 movie start at the movie theater?

ThatGuy: Well certainty not a 7:00! I mean you have to sit through the previews, the movie trivia. And that little thing that you think is a preview but it’s just an add to turn off cell phone. Fucking hate those things! In fact, I remember going to a movie once that was really just a giant advertisement for turning off your cell phone. Two and half hours simply to built up to a punch line that said, “Please turn off your cell phone before the movie.” We thought we were watching the movie but it was really just a phone advertisement. And the funny thing is the two hour phone advertisement was actually better than the two hour movie that we saw. So in answer to your question, if a movie starts at 7:00 it’s really about to begin at about 9:00. But if I were you I would stay for the phone advertisement and leave right before the movie. Because the phone advertisement really is the best part. Enough though I just said it was terrible a moment ago. But I don’t care. My life is a lie. [He cries for a second]

Narrator: I am going to die in 24 hours. I need to know what I am going to do before I die. Should I go off killing people I always hated or should I do some other random activity?

ThatGuy: Oh please, don’t kill people that you always hated. Do something more random, like…killing people you never met. That’s a lot more random and at least you can take some people with you. It’ll be a funny story to talk about when you’re burning in the flames of Hell. Yes!

Narrator: How come when guys brag about how big their penis is, it's no big deal, but when I tell people that my vagina is a foot long they all laugh at me? Don't guys like that?

ThatGuy: [He looks shocked] I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End