Dr. Insano and the Bum Conquer Canada

(After the title card, we cut to Dr. Insano and Chester A. Bum standing in an apparent hotel room. Chester has a derpy-looking face as Insano speaks.)

Dr. Insano: Tremble, plevians, at the demonic intellect of Dr. Insano! I am here to conquer this pathetic country starting with this convention, ConBravo. And to help me, I have hired a henchman. What was your name again?

Chester: Chester. Chester A. Igor! (Does Igor impression) Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo! (pauses) Should I not do that?

Dr. Insano: He's as dumb as a bag of hammers, but he works cheap! And so, we're going to conquer this pathetic nation one by one by destroying the nerds who inhabit this hotel. (looks at Chester) What say you, Chester A. Bum?

Chester: You're paying me?

Dr. Insano: In TimBits, yes.

Chester: HOORAY!

(Cut to the two in an elevator)

Dr. Insano: We've arrived! Time to conquer this pathetic country!

(They head out of the elevator)

Chester: We're on Floor 1, not Floor L!

Dr. Insano: It's the way they do things in Canada. "L" is French for one.

(As they walk through a corridor...)

Random girl: Change?

Chester: (runs over) Ya got change?!

Random girl: Change? Change?

(Cut to her handing it over)

Chester: Anything! C'mon, gimme! (gets it) Ohh, it's Canadian! (tosses change on floor)

(Cut to another corridor)

Chester: What is it? I think we're going to a dea-ler room. Oh, good, 'cause I could use some more drugs!

(Dr. Insano checks out a robot)

Dr. Insano: Now we see the true advances of science.

Chester: (to girl holding light) Oh, looky! This looks just like a replica of a light! That's incredible! How long did it take to make that? Does it talk?

(Cut to... Doctor Doom?)

Dr. Insano: At last we meet! Do you truly think your intellect can match the demonic mind of Dr. Insano?

Dr. Doom: (sounding muffled) I rule a country. What do YOU do?

Chester: (hand to ear) What?

Dr. Insano: I'm taking over this country! Therefore, it is mine!

Dr. Doom: (still muffled *Ed. note: Not sure if correct*) My half and your half. I win.

Chester: What?!

Dr. Insano: Oh yes? Well, (Chester: What?!) look over here. I have cut off the Thing's hand!

Chester: Ooh, that's pretty badass!

(Cut to Chester looking a miniature coffins. He picks one up)

Chester: What tiny little people do you think have to die to fit in this?

Dr. Insano: I buried my first test subject rat in one of those.

(And cut to a stand full of video games)

Random guy: We've got lots of video games!

Chester: D-Do you have that one game that, ah, Spoony really likes? Ah, Final Fantasy 26?

Dr. Insano: It's almost like the Japanese don't know what the word final means. (Holding Klonoa 2) I had a bad case of Klonoa one time. But I got a lotion.

(While Chester admires jewellery or something...)

Dr. Insano: (holding a purse-like bag) Where does this go, I wonder?

Chester: I think they call that a medieval toilet.

Dr. Insano: Why don't I have a purse that's Armor Class 5?

Chester: (wearing a long bracelet) What do you think? Is it me?

Dr. Insano: I don't know whose it is, but it's definitely not yours.

Chester: Oh, good, then it's definitely mine. (He puts it into his jacket and walks off...only to cautiously put it back when he sees the woman occupying the stand holds a big golden hammer) That person means business! H-Here you go... We cool, we cool.

Dr. Insano: (checking a gun) Yes... Phase plasma, 40-watt range... (Chester has wandered in wearing a Spiderman mask; Insano looks through the gun's scope) Scope is crap!

Chester: I got bitten by a spider!

Random guy: Dr. Insano, how do you feel about science?

Dr. Insano: Science is wonderful! Science is what will help me conquer this nation. You will all kneel before me.

Random guy: Are you announcing your campaign for Prime Minister?

Dr. Insano: No, actually, I've learned that you do not actually elect Prime Ministers - they're appointed. What kind of backass way is that?

Chester: That's as crazy as making your money plastic!

(Cut to the two looking at Star Wars merchandise)

Chester: (holds up R2-D2 and Darth Vader plushies) I don't remember R2-D2 and Darth Vader being the same size!

Dr. Insano: I don't remember Jabba the Hutt being Han Solo's height either, but they changed that all they wanted.

Random girl: (to Chester) Have you and the Nostalgia Critic found the Necronomicon yet?

Chester: Oh, it's the most horrifying thing that's ever happened! I can't possibly talk about it unless it comes out on a Suburban Knights DVD, hopefully in two weeks to a month. Thank you for asking!

Random guy: (to Insano) Do you do experimentation?

Dr. Insano: 'Course I do experimentation!

Same guy: Do you do homosexual experimentation with fans who wear blond wigs?

Chester: That's how I got where I am!

Dr. Insano: I'll get back to you on that.

Chester: (to guy) Erm, are you willing to pay for some experimentation?

Same guy: I have bus tickets. Ah, do those count?

Chester: I-If I can live on the bus.

(Cut to a girl handing Chester a dollar)

Random girl: Hey... It's a dollar.

Chester: It's Canadian! (throws it into her bag)

Random girl: Nice shot!

Random guy: Wow, that was impressive!

(Cut to Chester checking a guy's shirt, which has a red circle with a line down the middle on black with two white dots on each half.)

Chester: I-I don't know what that is. (Guy tries to explain) I think that's the first thing I saw when I was born.

Random guy: Dr. Insano for Prime Minister!

Dr. Insano: Damn straight!

Random guy: Dr. Insano at 2015!

Dr. Insano: Say what you like - I can't possibly be more evil than Stephen Harper.

Random guy: Before you take over Canada, might as well learn about your competition. (Hands Insano what looks like a disc)

Dr. Insano: (reads) "The Red Panda Crime Cabal"? Am I taking this or not?

Random guy: Take it!

Dr. Insano: Oh wow!

Chester: (takes it) I'll take it! It's my job! (looking at it) This is some really old, sagging superheroes! Look at that. (shows camera)

Dr. Insano: Looks like they're not quite ready to be photographed yet, like oh...

Chester: Yeeeaaahh.

(Walking through the con...)

Dr. Insano: Consider yourselves conquered.

Random girl: I will not consider myself conquered!

Chester: Right on, sister! Right on! (He fist bumps her, then shakes his hand) Ow, your ring!

Dr. Insano: I loved you in Pride and Prejudice.

Chester: With zombies! (Suddenly spots the previous Dr. Doom sans mask) So that's who Dr. Doom was! (Zooms in on him with caption "Featherweight") Look at that! Wow, that's... that's not at all what I thought he looked like!

Dr. Insano: Oh my God, his face is hideous and disfigured!

Chester: Put the mask back on! Put the mask back on! Good God! (Doom takes off his glasses to put mask on) You can't see without your glasses? You're gonna be a horrible supervillain! Hang your head in shame, you dsyfunctional Phantom of the Opera!

Dr. Insano: HA!

(Chester checks out artwork of a person with branches growing out of their skin)

Chester: Th-This happened to me once. Ah, I-I took some pills for it. Illegal ones. Actually, that's what started it too.

(Chester holds up a beetle-looking action figure to Insano)

Chester: I-I think that's from your Human Spider experiment!

Dr. Insano: Oh, let's not mention that again. It didn't end well.

Chester: (points at figure) I don't wanna know where that part goes.

(Insano spots some women)

Dr. Insano: Aha, school girls! (Girls laugh) Just how old are you, ladies? 'Cause no matter what it is, I'll change the age of consent in this country.

(Chester looks at more art)

Chester: Oh, hello! (Stares at picture of woman with big breasts)

Dr. Insano: (pulls him back) Enough, Bum! You'll grow hair on your palms.

(Insano spots a strange foam boob picture thing *Ed. note: Seriously, I don't know*)

Dr. Insano: Oh no. Oh, this can't be. (Cut to him looking at apparent bath beads while Chester touches the...boobs) It's some kind of artificial moistness.

Chester: Actually, I'm getting some artificial moistness in my pants right now!

Dr. Insano: (as Chester says that) Oh no, you dropped one.

(Chester holds the boobs to his chest and plays them like drums, then...)

Random guy: Dr. Insano! (They both look over to see a scientist-looking man, caption reads "Dr. Holocaust") Dr. Insano: Is this the one known as Dr. Holocaust I've heard so much about?

Dr. Holocaust: Yeeesss!

Chester: It's your much more talented twin brother!

Dr. Insano: My God, he put way more effort into his costume than I did. (Dr. Holocaust sticks out his hand)

Chester: I'm very impressed!

(During the following exchange, Chester goes back and forth between the two)

Dr. Insano: It seems I have an opponent in the next election! The game is on!

Dr. Holocaust: I think it's quaint how you think there will be an election!

Dr. Insano: What?! Why wouldn't there be?

Dr. Holocaust: There's not going to be any voting, Insano. I will simply conquer this country and the rest of this miserable world!

Dr. Insano: Oh please! I have the support of the people! (Gets crowd to cheer)

Dr. Holocaust: But I have their fear! Mwahahahahaha!

Dr. Insano: I have a mob. Get him! (Chester lunges and tackles Dr. Holocaust, punching him, as Insano shouts about victory. Cut to Chester with two fans)

Random guy: Chester, she wants your autograph!

Chester: I need something to write on. Eh, hold on. (He holds the paper and pen against the woman's breasts) Ehh, there we go! (checks signature) Th-That wasn't such a hard surface! I kid, I kid, I joke.

(He then sees a woman with an alien baby from "Alien" "bursting" from her chest)

Chester: OH MY GOD, it's like you're having sex backwards! John Hurt, you don't look at all how I remembered you! D-Don't you wanna have that looked at? You know, he's a doctor. (points at Insano)

(Cut to a guy wearing a Captain Falcon outfit handing Chester some change)

Random guy: Got some change for you!

Chester: Oh, let me-- (sounds annoyed) Is it Canadian? (looks at it)

Dr. Insano: Worthless!

(Chester sees it is, grumbles, and tosses it)

Dr. Insano: When I take over this country, we shall convert the currency into Insano dollars!

(Chester gets a picture with a fan)

Chester: (looking at camera) What is that? I don't know what that-- (flash goes off) Ahh!

(Chester checks more art, this time one of the "Fear and Loathing" variety)

Chester: Look! It's Raoul Puke! Imagine that! He takes what I see and articulates it!

Random guy: (to Insano) Would it be too much to get a photo of me bowing to your power?

Dr. Insano: Certainly! As well you should! (Pictures get taken) And while you're down there...

(A man hands Chester, you guessed it, Canadian change)

Chester: What is it? I... How many times do I have to do this joke? It's Canadian! (laughs, tossing it to the floor)

Dr. Insano: We need new material.

Chester: I know! (to fans) You need to show up to the rehearsals!

(Cut to Chester holding a Lucario plushie)

Dr. Insano: Would you quit molesting the plushies? (Chester puts it down)

Chester: Okay, I'm sorry. It's a hobby!

(Insano looks at some jewellery)

Dr. Insano: It's a very bad idea to market jewellery that looks like fortune cookies.

Random girl: (As he picks it up) With a real fortune!

Chester: Real fortunes, really?

Dr. Insano: Yes!

Chester: (reads fortune) Our...finances...will...fluctuate. Wow, I know that's wrong!

(Chester holds up a doll)

Chester: It looks like someone ran over a brownie and he was very hurt. (to Insano) It sorta looks like your son, actually.

Dr. Insano: Hmm, wrong color.

(A girl at a stand hands Chester a pin with a cartoon design of Link on it)

Random girl: I've got a present for Bum!

Chester: Ooh, I get a present here! Look at that! L-Looks like the Nostalgia Critic if he actually wore tights.

(As they walk...)

Dr. Insano: I've had enough of these smelly masses!

(They head into a corridor and spot a Reptile cosplayer)

Dr. Insano: Oh, dear God! It's Reptile!

Chester: He doesn't look like a ninja turtle!

(Insano and Reptile do a battle pose for pics)

Dr. Insano: Good? Yeesss.

Chester: (pops in from the side) Smoky! (pops out)

(Reptile then gets out a camera)

Dr. Insano: Oh, you want a picture?

Chester: I'll take the picture! (Seen holding camera backwards) Smile! (flash goes off) Ahh!

(Cut to them walking in the lobby; Insano approaches a group of women)

Dr. Insano: Ladies...

Chester: (looks at one of their toy guns) How do you get the orange tips off 'em? (*Ed. note: Couldn't make out the rest, sorry*)

Random girl: Well, I can take it off...

Chester: Alright. (excited) Oh, take it off! Take it off!

(They head to the exit)

Dr. Insano: There's other nerdy things happening out here. Observe! (They walk to some fans) And now we're outside for the rare breed of nerd that actually can stand the touch of bare sunlight on their skin.

(Chester goes to some guys sword-fighting)

Chester: Hello! W-What are you doing?

Random guy: Fighting!

Chester: Fighting?! I love fighting! Can I fight someone? (He then holds two very fake swords and spins them) Okay! Woah, okay, you're gonna get it-- (His opponent lunges) Woah! Oh, cocky mother, aren't ya?

(Chester flails and swings at the guy, then the guy points at the ground)

Guy: Look, change!

Chester: (looks at ground) Change where?! Where's ch-- (gets hit) Oww! (He keeps flailing and swinging until Insano steps in)

Dr. Insano: Stand aside, Bum. I shall handle this. (He holds one sword) Engarde, weirdly hatted person! (He then throws things at the guy) Two science! Two science! (pauses) I win! (The guy tries to kick him) Ray gun! Ray gun!

Chester: Tag me! Tag me! (He gets tagged and charges at the guy, screaming, only for the guy to step aside. He falls down)

Dr. Insano: I have used science and ingenuity to defeat all who oppose me! (Chester is up and charges at the guy. Once again, the guy sidesteps, letting him go past) ...Whereas he is simply stupid.

Chester: (exhausted) Okay. I'm gonna do this the Dude in the Suede way. Touch the sword. (The guy does show and Chester drops it) Oh, I'm vanquished! Okay, you win.

(As they walk again, a random guy laughs at them)

Chester: Don't laugh at me! I'm very sensitive!

(As they walk past an indoor pool...)

Chester: The one place you will never see the comic con nerd: A place where you can get exercise.

(Cut to them in a video gaming room with fans)

Dr. Insano: Wait a minute, who's Spoon?

Chester: Really, there's only Spoon?

Dr. Insano: What kind of stupid name is that?

Chester: That's a coincidence for some reason. I don't know why, though.

(Insano spots someone)

Dr. Insano: Look! It's that Puke fellow.

(Cut to a Duke/Hunter cosplayer with the caption "Raoul Puke?")

Chester: You really let your hair grow long! (checks his hair) So, ah, what brought on the cousin It look?

Duke/Hunter: Let's just say the last few years have not been kind.

Chester: Ahh. Yeah, with you dying and all, I guess I could see that getting in the way, yeah...

Duke/Hunter: (nodding) Oh yeah.

(While leaving the room...)

Dr. Insano: Begone! Begone!

Chester: Begone! All of you begone! (looks at girl, flirting) You can hang around. Hey.

Random girl: Hey.

Chester: Whatcha doing?

Same girl: I'm good. How are you? (A guy comes up and puts his arm around her)

Random guy/boyfriend: Not too bad.

Chester: Eh, okay. (quickly leaves)

(In a table gaming room...)

Chester: (to table) Oh, you playing Texas Hold 'Em? I love that game! (sets a die down) All in! (Chester then looks at a zombie book)

Dr. Insano: It's a reference to role-playing games.

Chester: Wait, wait, role-playing? You mean where people dress up in different costumes, then pretend they're someone else? (Fans agree) That's stupid!

Random guy: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Dr. Insano: We are conquering this nation!

(Caption reveals this random guy is Keith Apicary)

Chester: Oh my God, where's your hair going?! (touches Keith's balding head)

Keith: Ah, I--

Chester: Ew, it's sweaty! (wipes hand on Keith's shirt)

Keith: I have an advanced hairstyle for my age. I'm-- I'm over that. I don't need it anymore. I'm evolving.

Chester: (looks at his shirt) You got a hole in your sweater. Can I make that bigger? (tries to)

Keith: No!

Chester: I might live in there.

Keith: No!

Chester: I'm gonna try to get in there. (He puts his foot to the hole, making Keith bend over in the process) I need to see if I can get in... It doesn't really work yet... A-Actually, it's sort of working. Wow!

Dr. Insano: I've had enough of this foolishness! Bum, you're fired!

Chester: What?!

Keith: Am I hired?

Dr. Insano: How much do you wa-- How much do you charge?

Keith: Uh, nothing. I'll do it for free.

Dr. Insano: Wonderful!

Chester: No! No!

Dr. Insano: You're hired!

Keith: Ah, nice!

Chester: (to Keith) You're takin' my job! He's takin' my job! (to Insano) I thought we had something! I thought we had something special!

Dr. Insano: You have a smell of cat urine! That's all you have.

Chester: So does everybody here!

Dr. Insano: Begone! (Chester runs off crying)

Keith: So, ah, what do I do?

Dr. Insano: Well, typically we're going to take over this nation, and I will rule with an iron fist, and, ah, all who oppose me will be sent to obedience domes.

Keith: Oh. That doesn't sound like fun. Well, when I'm Rambo and I got no rules, it's summer vacation all the time, so-- (Chester appears behind attempting to strangle him and does so)

Chester: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Keith: Oh...

Chester: (to Insano) See? He can't even fight back!

Keith: (to Insano) Y-You didn't tell him I'm 150 pound behemoth.

Dr. Insano: Rambo, conquer him!

Chester: (Has his arms underneath Keith's arm pits and makes mocking gestures) I am an idiot! I don't know what I'm talking about! (Makes chatty puppet hands) Do do do! Do do do! This is all I do, 'cause I'm a horrible listener! Na na na!

Dr. Insano: (shakes head) I don't think I need either one of these idiots. I shall find someone else to take over Canada. (walks away)

Chester: (still doing gestures) Ohhh, that makes sad now...

Keith: (to Chester) Hey, let's team up and fight against him.

Chester: That's a great idea! Let's kick his ass!

Keith: Yeah! (They charge, Chester yelling, and punching is heard. Cut to them beating Insano in the lobby, then...)

Random guy: Change!

Chester: Change?!

Keith: Where?

Chester: (As both look on the ground) Where's change?! Where's change?!

Keith: I'm colorblind. I can't see this carpet!

(And in another corridor...)

Chester: Okay, Insano. You're running for presimitit. You have a crowd here. Make your presimitit speech!

Dr. Insano: If you vote for me, I shall demand total obedience. (Chester starts to hum) You will hang on my every word and do exactly as I say.

Random guy: You sound like Harper!

Dr. Insano: You will work in my mines. (Chester has started to officially hum "The Star Spangled Banner") You will work in my factories building robots for which I will conquer the rest of North America.

Random guy: I'd rather vote for Keith!

(Keith starts saying stuff about if you're gonna be a plastic surgeon *Ed. note: Whaatt?*, but meanwhile, Chester's really getting into the song, going into opera-style. The crowd cheers and claps as he continues, climbing onto a table. This cultimates in Keith "singing" along with him as though the two are squaring off.)

Chester: (finishes) Play ball!

(Keith holds up a pitcher of water in celebration, splashing the crowd and Chester)

Chester: (jumps off table) I'm melting! Melting!

Dr. Insano: Bum, I hate to tell you this, but that was the wrong anthem.

Chester: Oh, crap. Ah, I'll try again. (starts singing) Oh Canada... (The crowd starts singing the rest as he falters, then cut to him conducting them. Insano shouts "Again!" before the final verse and cheers erupt when the song ends.)

Chester: That was all me singing now! Wasn't that something? I sounded like a whole crowd!

(And cut to the two wandering another corridor)

Dr. Insano: Well, I think we've completely brainwashed these pathetic masses.

Chester: I was brainwashed from birth.

Dr. Insano: Indeed. So, my conquest of Canada is now complete. I am now your one and true ruler. Until next time, I shall take over Mexico.

Chester: (cheerfully) And I helped!

(Cue credits)