Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials

(NC sits in his recliner and wearing his “I O Donuts” (the “O” being a donut) T-shirt while flipping TV channels before addressing the camera.)

NC: Hey, kids! You wanna waste some time? You must if you’re watching one of my videos! It’s time to review some commercials!

(Clips of various nostalgia commercials start playing.)

NC (vo): Yes, the commercials of the ‘80s and ‘90s are back, here to give us that joyfully awkward world of colorfully selling out. Oh, what joy these bring. Even the worst ones can manage to summon a smile to a nostalgic mind. I love ‘em, I love ‘em, I love ‘em.

NC: And were going to look at 'em again today, so seeing how one special was called "We'll Be Right Back" and another one was called "After These Messages", this one I’m gonna entitle… “Exclamation Point.”

(The clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC start playing.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages...

Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages...

Clay Dog (sings): After these messages...

(The title "!" is shown.)

Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back!

E.T. Board Game
(TV static transition to:  E.T. board game )

Announcer: It’s here! The E.T. board game.

NC: Oh, God, at last!

Announcer: Now you can pretend to help E.T. go home.

Girl: You’re safe, E.T.

Announcer: And sometimes, you can fly!

(A kid lifts the E.T. pawn off the ground and holds it high up as though the pawn were “flying”.)

Boy #1: Wow!

NC (vo): Really? We’re including flying in a board game now? You know, moving from square to square doesn’t technically count as flying.

NC: (pretends to play on his board game) Hmm, “Move two spaces.” (lifts his pawn high up) OOOOH, I’M FLYING, I’M FLYING, I’M FLYING, I’M FLYING, OH MY GOD, I’M FLYING, I’M FLYING, I’M FLYING -- (lands his pawn on a space) Awwwwww. (lifts the pawn up again) OOOOH--

Boy #2: (as E.T.) E.T. phone home.

Announcer: Sometimes you can fly.

Boy #1: Wow!

NC: Wow, indeed, easily-impressed little boy!

Boy #2: Danger!

Announcer: Sometimes you can hide.

(A boy places a plastic ghost sheet over the E.T. pawn.)

(The caption “As a Clansman????” is shown along with a trampoline sound effect.)

Boy #1: Go up to the spaceship.

Announcer: The one that helps E.T. the most wins.

NC: And the loser has to play the video game!

(Cut to a clip from “E.T. the Extra Terrestrial” in which Gertie and E.T. scream in fright at the sight of each other, and the cover for the infamous E.T. Atari game is posted beside them.)

NC (vo): Even though I see no reason to make a board game on E.T., this commercial does manage to capture the magic and drawn-out boredom of the original.

Announcer: E.T. Board Game, from Parker Brothers. Also sold separately, the E.T. Card Game.

NC: (laughs) Oh, yeah, I’d love to see E.T. in a card game!

(Cut to a clip from a TV poker tournament.)

Man: (with E.T.’s head superimposed over his own) No, he didn’t, *Bleep*! (stands up to leave)

Announcer: Some assembly required.

Cabbage Patch Kids
(TV static transition to:  Cabbage Patch Kids )

Announcer #1: What’s happening in the cabbage patch?

NC (vo): Oh, great. More from the world’s ugliest pin cushions.

Announcer #2: Why, see? She’s having breakfast!

Girl: Yep, she’s very hungry!

(The girl squeezes the wrist on the baby doll, and it starts crying along with real tears coming out of its eyes.)

Announcer #2: Uh-oh! She’s crying real tears!

NC (vo): Well no shit, you’re squeezing her hand, ya sadist!

Girl: No one will kiss her tears away. (Kisses the doll on the cheek, which stops its crying, and a heart blossoms from the doll’s face.)

Announcer #2: Wow!

NC (vo): Woah! OK, I guess her shockwave kiss solved everything!

Man: (audio) Sonic Boom! (An explosion is heard as the heart blossoms from the dolls face and the girl kisses it on the cheek.)

Announcer #2: Wow! You made her stop crying!

Girl: (cradles her doll) I’m her mommy.

NC (vo): I guess I never got that about girls' toys. Why would you want a baby to cry all the time? I mean, laughing or giggling--OK, I understand that--but crying? That’s a royal pain!

(NC pretends to hold a baby in a blanket as it is crying, and he doesn’t look very happy.)

NC: (as a mother) This is just what I’ve wanted to do ever since I was a little girl. (The “baby” continues crying.) SHUT UP!

NC (vo): And I guess as is the way of things, you give birth and raise a little girl so you can immediately prepare her from childhood to start doing the same thing. Hey, if I raised a kid who didn’t blink and looked like a deflated potato, I don’t think I’d win Parent of the Year.

Announcer #1: Each purchased separately. Batteries not included.

Grape Nuts
(TV static transition to:  Grape Nuts cereal  commercial)

Background Singer: ♫ Morning is your time. ♫

NC (vo): I love this commercial, because you literally have no idea what it’s advertising until they just say it.

Background Singer: ♫ That’s part of life. Everything you do. ♫

NC (vo): All you know is that whatever it is, it gives you a great lust for life.

Background Singer: ♫ Everything you do. ♫

Announcer: Grape Nuts.

NC (vo): Oh, Grape Nuts! Of course! Because when I think of appreciating all the miracles that life has to offer, I think of a cereal that tastes like cardboard and feels like shitting needles.

Announcer: Post Grape Nuts cereal. You know when you’ve got it good.

NC (vo): Yes, clearly, this is a woman who has it good. She’s on vacation in a log cabin all by herself, no friends, no family, sipping the last drop of the most boring cereal the world has ever created. Clearly, this is the closest thing to nuts that she’s ever going to get to touch.

Background Singer: ♫ Yes, (continues singing as the following tagline is shown) you know when you’ve got it good. ♫

(The caption “And you don’t” appears below the tagline.)

Hanes Underwear
(TV static transition to:  Hanes underwear  commercial)

(An old woman at a factory run by all female employees examines the elastic on a man’s briefs.)

Trainee #1: What are you doing, Inspector 12?

Inspector 12: Comparing our new Hanes waist span with Fruit-of-the-Loom, trainee.

NC: Because this is who you trust with your underwear, right, guys?

NC (vo): A bunch of aging old lesbians who like to snap your band like it’s a prostitute’s bra strap.

Inspector 12: Now pull Fruit-of-the-Loom’s band.

(The trainee pulls on the Fruit-of-the-Loom band.)

Trainee #1: It’s weaker.

Trainee #2: Of course!

NC (vo): Seriously, I’m all for women in the work world, but there isn’t one guy in there! It feels a little odd.

Inspector 12: Here, pull it. They’ll know our comforting waist band fits better. For one thing, it’s stronger.

Trainee #1: Wow, is it?

NC (vo): I mean, how would you like it if nothing but men were looking at women’s underwear all day?

NC: (as a male employee, holding a woman’s bra and calls off-screen) Hey, Tom! Get over here and feel this bra!

The Other Guy: (walks in as another male employee dressed in a winter jacket and holding a cigar in his mouth) What, what?

NC: You gotta feel this bra! Come on, feel this bra, man!

The Other Guy: All right.

(Both start to feel the bra.)

NC: It’s really nice, yeah, is that nice? Isn’t that nice? Oh, yeah.

The Other Guy: It’s a pretty good bra.

NC: A good bra, yeah. I like this bra. Really nice bra.

The Other Guy: Soft as felt.

NC: Very nice, very soft, and…

The Other Guy: Very pink.

NC: Very pink, yeah.

The Other Guy: Like flowers.

NC: Yeah, pretty flowers. Like a petunia. You know, I think petunia.

The Other Guy: I say it’s more like a buttercup.

NC: No, more like a D-Cup, yeah. Man, I can touch this thing for hours.

The Other Guy: Hours.

(A few seconds of silence as they both continue examining the bra.)

NC: Plenty of hours.

The Other Guys: Lotsa hours.

NC: Hours.

NC (vo): Well, I guess if the Hanes fits, wear it.

Trainee #3: Hanes wins the battle of the band.

Inspector 12: That’s why we put our name on it, kid.

Announcer: (speaks along with the tagline at the bottom of the screen) Hanes Fits Better than Fruit of the Loom.

NC (vo): (as a trainee) We need to get laid. (as all the trainees) Yeah.

Kool-Aid Koolers
(TV static transition to:  Kool-Aid Koolers drink )

Announcer: It’s the Kool-Aid Koolers with 20% juice!

NC: (confused) Wait a minute, what?

Announcer: It’s the Kool-Aid Koolers with 20% juice!

NC: This is juice that’s 20% juice? (pauses to contemplate on this) Well, what the hell’s in the rest of it?

Background Singers: ♫ Icy fruit is super juicy! ♫

Announcer: With 20% juice!

NC (vo): (as the announcer) That’s right, kids, 20% juice! It also includes 50% corn syrup, 20% Yellow Number 5 and 10% God we don’t know what, but the FDA was asleep. Drink it while it’s still identifiable!

Background Singers: ♫ Kool-Aid Koolers make it Kooler! Rock and rollin’… ♫

NC (vo): (laughs) They’re just so happy about it, too! Is it really worth celebrating that one-fifth of your product is actually what you say it is? It’s a little disturbing!

NC: It’s like advertising Pepsi with 20% soda and 80% rusty nails, or Quaker Oats with 20% oats and 80% Donald Rumsfeld.

NC (vo): Oh, well. If Chicken McNuggets can make a big deal about having actual white meat chicken in there, I guess anything’s worth celebrating.

Announcer: With 20% juice!

Background Singers: ♫ Kool-Aid Koolers make it Kooler! ♫

LEGO Maniac
(TV static transition to:  LEGO  commercials)

Background Singer: ♫ I know a boy, his name is Zack. ♫

NC (vo): Ah, yes! Zack, our favorite Lego Maniac.

Background Singer: ♫ He’s Zack the Lego Maniac. Zack, Zack, he’s a Lego Maniac. ♫

(Cut to another Lego commercial featuring another Lego Maniac boy.)

Background Singer: ♫ Jack, Jack, he’s a Lego Maniac. ♫

NC (vo): Or…was it Jack?

Background Singer (from the first commercial): ♫ Zack, Zack, he’s a Lego Maniac. ♫

NC (vo): Wait a minute, is it Jack or Zack? Here (in the first commercial), it’s spelled “Zack,” but in this commercial (the second one), you definitely hear a “J.”

Background Singer (from the second commercial): ♫ His name is Jack, he’s new in town. Lunchtime is when he gets down. ♫

Background Singer (First commercial): ♫ Zack. ♫

Background Singer (Second commercial): ♫ Jack. ♫

Background Singer (First commercial): ♫ Zack. ♫

Background Singer (Second commercial): ♫ Jack. ♫

NC (vo): In fact, is that even the same kid? (The two boys are compared side by side.)

NC: My God. It’s like they produced these children in the same factory that made child singers!

(An image of a factory is shown featuring the current Disney pop stars and the Jonas Brothers; there’s even a sign labeled “Child Stars: Now with more Jonas Brothers!”)

Background Singer (First): ♫ He’s sent his cosmic fleet to Mars. He’s out there cruising with the stars. His mind is lost in outer space! A Legoland basket case! ♫

NC (vo): So, obviously, there was a ton of commercials based on this legendary Lego Maniac, but it does make me wonder what this iconic toy god among children went on to do.

NC: I mean…where do you think he is right now?

(Cut to a music video showing Adult Zack’s current life.)

Singer: ♫ His Grandma’s house is where he stays. It’s been 10 years since he’s been laid. At 35, his world’s a wreck, collecting unemployment checks. He’s still obsessed with Lego, see? It gets much dark in therapy. He checks his list off every day of bullies he will blow away. Zack, Zack, he’s a psycho maniac. Zack, Zack, he-- ♫

(Zack presses a button, and an explosion occurs; all is silent, and then he crosses “Obnoxious Singing Narrator” off his list.)

(Back to the commercials)

NC (vo): Well, we’ll still remember you in this timeless commercial in the most likely unhealthy obsession you probably had.

Background Singer (from the first commercial): ♫ Zack, Zack, he’s a Lego Maniac. Zack, Zack… ♫

Announcer (for the first commercial): Legoland Castle, Airport, Cosmic Fleet Voyager sold separately from Lego Systems.

(An explosion occurs, presumably by Adult Zack, shaking the camera.)

Ghostbusters Toys
(TV static transition to:  Ghostbusters Toys )

Background Singers: Ghostbusters!

NC (vo): Has anybody noticed that the Ghostbusters toys were some of the most creative toys ever made? I mean, look at these! These were freakin’ awesome!

Boy #1: (as one of the Ghostbusters) You see anything weird? (Bends a large football player toy figure forward to reveal a large monster mouth coming out of his back.) Grrrr! (as one of the Ghostbusters) It’s Tombstone Tackle!

Boy #2: Ah, a friendly garbage man! (Manipulates his toy by placing the garbage pail onto his head to reveal a bug’s head and sprout wings.) P.U.! It’s Terror Trash!

NC (vo): And as you’d imagine, they were advertised well, too. But I have to admit there is one part that just rubs me the wrong way.

Boy #3: (as a villain with all the ghost toys together) Get him, boys!

Boy #4: (as the Ghostbusters) Ghosts!

Boy #3: (as a blue ghost) Funny guy, watch him scream! (Inserts the blue ghost toy into Dr. Spengler’s behind, making his torso spin rapidly.)

NC: (scared pause) …Am I the only one disturbed that that’s possible anal rape? I mean, it’s not like we didn’t see the ghosts in the movie do something like this, so I find it very unnerving.

Boy #3: (as a blue ghost) Funny guy, watch him scream! (Inserts the blue ghost toy into Dr. Spengler’s behind, making his torso spin rapidly.)

NC (vo): Hey, my body would do that, too, if Boo Berry was doing me from all sides!

(The spinning is once again played.)

NC: And now, because I don’t know any better, the Top 10 Out of Context Ghostbuster Lines That Go with This Commercial!

(Text displaying just that appears on screen, followed by a brief numbered countdown interspersed with corresponding clips from Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II before which the commercial clip of the toy’s torso spinning is replayed each time, starting with “10”.)

Dr. Venkman: Well there’s somethin’ you don’t see every day.

(“9”)

Winston: I have seen shit that’ll turn you white!

(“8”)

Dr. Venkman: You’re not sleeping with it, are you, Ray?

(“7”)

Dr. Venkman: You’re scaring the straights!

(“6”)

Dr. Venkman: He slimed me.

(“5”)

Dr. Spengler: I think they’re more interested in my epididymis.

(“4”)

Dr. Venkman: We get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble!

(“3”)

Janosz Poha: Why am I dripping with goo?

(“2”)

Dr. Venkman: You don’t want us exposing ourselves!

NC (vo): And the #1 best out-of-context “Ghostbuster” line to be associated with this commercial is…

Winston: That’s a big Twinkie.

NC: Play me off, Paul! (In a final callback to an older review, he starts dancing as Paul Shaffer’s band plays him off.)

NC (vo): So, despite the fact this this scene is a little risqué, the Ghostbusters toys were some of the best toys out there, and the commercials always show it. (The spinning torso toy clip is shown, to which NC speaks unnervingly.) All of it.

Dr. Venkman: (audio) This is what you do with our spare time.

Lite Brite
(TV static transition to:  Lite Brite )

Background Singers: ♫ Lite Brite, Lite Brite, turn on the magic of colored light. ♫

NC (vo): Yep, I think every kid, at some point, had a Lite Brite. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the jingle, maybe it’s just a cool idea, but everybody remembers this toy.

Background Singers: ♫ Make a sign to say “Good night.” ♫

NC (vo): And, of course, every single kid in the entire world did the exact same thing.

NC: You made dirty pictures with it!

(Images of naughty but censored Lite Brite images are shown.)

NC (vo): Don’t act like you didn’t do this! Every little kid did! Boobies, penises, and anything else we thought was naughty made it onto the Lite Brite screen!

NC: It was like the kid’s version of Craigslist. Nothing but perversion as far as the eye could see.

Background Singers: ♫ Lite Brite, Lite Brite, turn on the magic of shining light! ♫

NC (vo): My personal favorite is when they used it to spell out words, but it was nice stuff, like “Happy Birthday!” or “Here’s Suzy.” Couldn’t they use it for inventive scenarios?

(Images of fake Lite Brite screens with the phrases “I want a divorce,” “Surprise! U have cancer!!!” and “It’s not your baby” are shown as the jingle plays.)

NC (vo): Even if we didn’t use it correctly, Lite Brite was, and always will be, a pretty cool toy. And this is a pretty cool commercial to go along with it.

Background Singers: ♫ Turn on the magic of shining light! ♫

Announcer: Lite Brite, from Milton Bradley.

(The caption “Use Responsibly” is shown over the toy’s display screen.)

Golden Crisp
(TV static transition to:  Super Golden Crisp  cereal)

(Sugar Bear is relaxing on a lounge chair next to his cereal.)

Sugar Bear: Ah, it’s with my Super Golden Crisp cereal.

NC (vo): Hey, it’s the continuing adventures of Sugar Bear! Kids nowadays may not know this, but cereal commercials back then were actually sort of like…well, serials! They were soap operas with cliffhangers and lingering storylines. Half of the commercials ended with “To Be Continued.”

NC: And it was sugar-coated awesomeness!

NC (vo): But by far, one of the weakest ones has to be with Sugar Bear. Just take a look.

(A snake, a crocodile and a tiger approach Sugar Bear from the jungle foliage.)

Snake: Now we’re turning the tables on you.

Crocodile: How’s that sweet wheat?

Tiger: On the double!

All three: ‘Cause you’ve got triple trouble!

(Sugar Bear grabs hold of his cereal box and clutches it tight.)

Announcer: Will Sugar Bear lose his Sugar Golden Crisp? (A red question mark flashes on-screen.)

NC (vo): (sarcastic) Well, gee, what the fuck do you think’s gonna happen? Golly, could it be like every other commercial where he just eats the goddamn cereal and saves the day? Is that even a possibility?

Announcer: You can solve the mystery with action-packed Sugar Bear flipbooks!

(Two kids use a flipbook to find out the answer.)

NC (vo): Look at that, they just showed you what happened! They don’t give a shit, they know that we know, so might as well come out and display it!

NC: I mean, is it even worth going through the flipbook to see what happens? I mean, we all know what the outcome’s gonna be. Go to the last page! We all know what’s gonna--

(NC looks in surprise to see a fake image of Sugar Bear holding a shotgun and standing over the bloody corpses of the three bad guys.)

NC: (is shocked) J-Jesus.

NC (vo): I don’t care, I still love Sugar Bear, and I look forward to him kicking some more ass with his laid-back attitude. But-- (cut back to the fake image again) J-Jesus.

Pop-Tarts
(TV static transition to:  Pop-Tarts  commercials)

Background Singers: ♫ Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts! ♫

NC (vo): Ahh, Pop-Tarts commercials were always the staple of the ‘80s and ‘90s, with its retro fashion and retro music.

Background Singer: ♫ Real fruit, real hot/Hot, hot, hothothothot! ♫ (A dog barks four times with the music.)

NC (vo): And, of course, that confusing-as-hell tagline.

Background Singer: ♫ So hot, they’re cool/So cool, they’re hot! ♫

NC: So hot, they’re cool; so cool, they’re h--WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

NC (vo): How can something be so hot, it’s cold, or so cold, it’s hot? It’s like saying they’re so great, they suck; they suck, so it’s great! I never got it!

NC: It’s like one of those Zen riddles you’re never supposed to really figure out.

(Cut to an image of two monks standing on a hill together and speaking with speech balloon.)

Monk #1: What is so hot, it’s cool, but is so cool it’s hot?

Monk #2: Pop Tarts?

Monk #1: IT’S NOT POP TARTS!!!!

(Cut to another Pop Tarts commercial)

Announcer: You can get ready for something wild when you bite into Kellogg’s Pop Tarts.

(A woman bites into a Pop Tart, and red lights shoot out of it.)

NC (vo): (as the announcer) Explosive radiation! (normal) God, those things aren’t fucking around. That nearly took her head off! Look at that, I think bits of her brain just flew out there!

(Cut to a classroom scenario)

Teacher: Lindsey, why were you late for class?

Lindsey: (appears with a mutilated face) Pop Tarts!

(Back to the commercial)

Announcer: For a taste that’s better than ever!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Toys
(TV static transition to:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  toy commercial)

Announcer: Introducing Leatherhead!

NC (vo): Alright, now we’re talking! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys! Always a favorite!

Shredder: Leatherhead! These are your targets! The friends of the ninja turtles! (to a rabbit ninja toy) Usagi Yojimbo!

NC: Wait a minute, what was his name?

Shredder: Usagi Yojimbo!

NC (vo): (misinterprets) You Suckey Your Jimbo? That sounds a little perverted.

Shredder: Leatherhead!

NC: Actually, even “Leatherhead” sounds a little dirty. It sounds like the name of a gimp from an S&M dungeon.

Announcer: Now you can get a pop-up display stand inside specially marked packages of turtle figures! Great for displaying turtles when they’re not eating pizza!

NC: (puzzled by that last line and acts as the announcer) …We just thought we’d remind you that the turtles ate pizza! (shrugs in confusion)

NC (vo): As much as I love the turtle toys and the commercials, there was always one thing that drove me nuts: They never got the same voice for Shredder! The voice for Shredder in the commercials was never the same voice as from the show. I mean, they didn’t even try!

Shredder (TV show): I’ll take care of them once and for all!

Shredder (Commercials): Destroy them!

NC (vo): That sounds NOTHING like the original Shredder! Hey, while they’re at it, why don’t they go with this voice?

Johnny (from The Room): (dubs over Shredder) They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they trick me and I don’t care anymore.

Raphael: Whoa! Better watch the old blood pressure, Shredhead!

Johnny (from The Room): (dubs over Shredder) Chicken, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep cheep cheep cheep! Cheep! Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeep! (Donatello just stares blankly) How is your sex life?

Announcer: Great for displaying turtles when they’re not eating pizza! From Playmates!

Johnny (from The Room): (audio) Bitch!

Barbie Dancers
(TV static transition to:  Barbie Dancers  commercial)

Announcer: Dance, my friends! Do the Barbie!

NC (vo): Yes, notice how the Barbie, in no way, involves bending your arms or legs?

Background Singers: ♫ All over town! ♫

Two Girls: (to the camera) We’re into Dance Club Barbie!

Background Singers: ♫ To the hottest TV stand… ♫

NC (vo): Oh, God, even that was too complicated for the doll to do! Look, for the dancing toy, couldn’t you allow just a little more movement outside of the “I’m trying to step on a bug while I have a headache” move?

Background Singers: (as the doll pretends to dance in place) ♫ Boppin’ Barbie! It’s Dance Club Barbie! ♫

NC: (mocks the dance moves and talks in a higher pitch) Ohh, a spider! (pauses while continuing dancing) God, I need aspirin!

Two Girls: We’re into Barbie!

Announcer: Now the Barbie Dance Club T-shirt and video, with a special appearance by Paula Abdul.

NC (vo): (laughs) Oh, now THAT would be interesting!

NC: (as Paula Abdul while holding a wine glass and speaking as though drunk) Oh, you know, y-you’re trying. I know you’re trying so hard, but, honey, I just don’t think you’re Barbie material.

“Simon Cowell”: (speaks off-screen simultaneously with Paula) Paula, get a reality check. She’s god-awful, she shouldn’t be here. She should commit suicide. She’s that awful, she’s just a god-awful person. I think she should kill herself.

NC: (as Paula Abdul, arguing with “Simon” simultaneously) Oh, no, YOU be quiet. You be quiet. It’s all made up. (starts whining incoherently) You wanna make out?

“Simon”: Later. I’m doing Seacrest.

(The Dance Club Barbie kit is shown briefly.)

Hot Wheels
(TV static transition to:  Hot Wheels  commercial)

Announcer: What’s hot? Hot Wheels! What’s cool?

NC: Pop…Tarts?

Monk #1: IT’S NOT POP TARTS!!!!

Announcer: Light Speeders!

NC (vo): Oh, my God, I hated these things! Anyone who had these, you got gypped! OK, so these cars don’t run unless you put these spotlights on them…

NC: (claps his hands once) …and there’s your problem! Why would you want to do that?

NC (vo): What are they, solar cars? Who thought this up? So that means that every time you put the light on it, it moves a centimeter, and you have to put that stupid light on it the whole entire time or it doesn’t move. And trust me; it’s a lot harder than it looks! You get it to move a centimeter, then another centimeter, and then you throw the goddamn thing away!

Announcer: Super techno curves!

NC (vo): Oh, and you got those bridges where it always got stuck. Guess why?? Because the fucking light wouldn’t shine through! So you always had to push it with your fucking toe or something! (speaks through his clenched teeth) GOD, I HATED THIS TOY!

Announcer: Take off, with a speed of light…

NC (vo): Bullshit!

Announcer: The future is here.

NC (vo): Bullshit!

Announcer: Now!

NC (vo): Bullshit!

Announcer: Light--

NC (vo): Bullshit!

Announcer: Speed!

NC (vo): BULLSHIT!

Announcer: So hot, so cool.

NC: Now you’re ripping off Pop Tarts! Who does that?!

Announcer: Batteries not included. Not for use with some cars. You put it together. New from Mattel.

NC (vo): BULLSHIT!

Transformers
(TV static transition to:  Transformers  commercial)

Background Singers: Transformers!

NC: Alright, Transformers!

Announcer: Now the greats are back as classic Pretenders!

NC: Wait, what?

NC (vo): (confused) Wait, they’re people now, w-what…now they’re robots, they’re dinosaurs, too? What? Wha-hey, n-now, what, they’re cars? What? Wait, how is this classic? I don’t remember this. Wait, why are they people? I don’t get that. Who are they? I--

Background Singers: Transformers!

(The commercial ends.)

NC: (sits there speechless) Well, that cleared everything up. Buy that!

Teddy Ruxpin
(TV static transition to:  Teddy Ruxpin toy )

Teacher: Show and Tell time.

Girl: (whispering to another girl) Another teddy bear?

Boy: My teddy’s name is Teddy Ruxpin.

Teddy Ruxpin toy: Hi, my name is Teddy Ruxpin.

NC: (points to the camera in fright) D’ahh! The devil!

Teddy Ruxpin toy: Can you and I be friends?

(Camera closeup on the toy that glows red eyes.)

Teddy Ruxpin toy: (speaks demonically) I haven’t forgotten you, Critic!

(NC screams and scrambles to find his remote before changing channels.)

Alpha-Bits
(TV static transition to:  Alpha-Bits  commercial)

Announcer: Why are Alpha-Bits fun to eat? Because you can eat--

Teddy Ruxpin toy: (appears suddenly and speaks demonically) Critic!

(NC yelps in fright and switches channels again.)

Squeezit Fruit Drinks
(TV static transition to:  Squeezit Fruit Drinks  commercial)

NC (vo): Here’s a fun game to play at home. Count all the phallic symbols!

(A crowd of people are sitting together as though watching a ball game, and everyone is holding various things that would imply being phallic symbols, like squeezing a football, the neck of a camera with a flashbulb on it sticking upward, and holding a hot dog that flies out after being squeezed; NC reacts in surprise and is disturbed.)

Background Singer: ♫ The squeeze is on, the squeeze is on, the Squeezit, Squeezit, Squeezit Fruit Drinks. Squeezit, Squeezit, Squeezit Fruit Drinks. Don’t need a glass, don’t need a straw, great for a serious fun! ♫

(The caption “And now the ORGASM!” is shown as popcorn flies all over the place, covering the crowd.)

Background Singer: ♫ The squeeze is on, the squeeze is on. ♫

Announcer: For fruity fun, just squeeze it!

NC: (draws a breath to say something, but pauses) ...No comment.

Background Singer: ♫ Squeezit! ♫

Pretenders Transformers
(TV static transition to:  Another Transformers commercial )

Boy: I’m a skateboarder! I’m a…

(The boy transforms to reveal a Transformer robot underneath his skin.)

Transformer Robot: …Transformer!

Announcer: New Pretenders Transformers are here!

NC: Oh, these again. OK, let’s see if they explain it any better.

Background Singers: ♫ Best through the power, the power of Pretender Transformers! ♫

Announcer: And look! There are evil Deception Pretenders, too!

Background Singers: ♫ Pretender Transformers! ♫

(The commercial ends)

NC: ...Nope!

PSA
(TV static transition to:  A PSA commercial )

Mary Tyler Moore: (her face appears on a TV screen) Finally, we have found a cure for diabetes.

NC: (is ecstatic) What?

Mary Tyler Moore: (appears as herself on a couch after the camera pans up from the TV screen) I can’t wait for the day I make that announcement.

NC: Cocktease!

Mary Tyler Moore: For over 16 years…

NC: No, I’m sorry! You lost me! You totally lost me at that fake out! I don’t care what you’re promoting. In fact, you know what? I’m gonna give five people diabetes right now! (dials on his cell phone and holds it up to his ear) Yeah, it’s the Critic. Inject them! (hangs up with a smile before noticing the camera) Oh, it’s just a little side project I got going. (chuckles, then pauses to reflect on what he just did) Good God, I might be horrible.

Slim Suit
(TV static transition to:  Slim Suit  commercial)

Announcer: Introducing Slim Suit. Just put it on to take weight off.

NC: OK, folks, get ready for the dumbest thing you have ever seen!

Woman #1: …could ever think I could lose weight while watching TV.

Woman #2: Can you believe we’re losing weight by talking on the phone?

NC: …No. No, I can’t. In fact, I’m going to call “lying” on that.

Announcer: Just put it on to take weight off. It’s that easy!

NC: (laughs) No kidding! The Slim Suit can help you lose weight by doing absolutely nothing!

NC (vo): What, does it take off an ounce of weight a week or something?

Woman #3: Six hours ago, I was absolutely panicked because this dress was too tight, so I knew to wear my Slim Suit, and now my dress fits perfectly.

NC: (sarcastic) REALLY? Six hours of wearing the Slim Suit can make you go down an entire dress size! Gah, that’s incredible! I bet all of you other “idiots” out there were trying to “exercise” or “eat right.” (Laughs and makes an “L” with his hand on his forehead.) Loser! (laughs)

Announcer: And with amazing Slim Suit, one size fits all.

NC: Yeah, especially for people like this guy-- (cut to an incredibly obese bearded man using a computer) Most. One size will fit most.

Announcer: Yes, everyone can look great in Slim Suit.

NC: OK, now that’s definitely a lie.

NC (vo): (laughs) Look at this girl. You know she’s got a date to the prom.

Announcer: It’s simple: The more active you are, the more Slim Suit works for you.

NC (vo): Oh! NO SHIT! The more you exercise, the more Slim Suit will help you lose weight!

NC: Yeah, it’s pretty subtle that way. It’s almost as if you…don’t need it at all!

Announcer: It’s the shape-up plan you don’t have to hassle with. Just put it on to take it off. Take it easy, or take it to the max!

NC (vo): (as the announcer) Professionals also recommend these magic beans, mixed with a placebo brought to you by the tooth fairy…when you’re in Oz.

Announcer: For everyday wear or every night, you can actually wake up weighing less. No harmful pills or starvation diets.

NC (vo): And all you had to sacrifice was your fucking common sense!

Announcer: Because of the incredible demand for Slim Suits, supplies are limited.

NC (vo): Yeah! We only made five of these, because we thought only five people would be dumb enough to buy it! You proved us wrong, America!

Announcer: So order now, to put Slim Suit on to take weight off. Your Slim Suit comes complete with a Pounds-Off program at no extra charge.

NC: Wait, wait, wait! What program? You said all we had to do was sit on our asses. What, is there a…time-scale that’s sitting on our asses?

Woman #1: Slim Suit works. I lose weight every time I wear it.

Woman #4: Thanks to Slim Suit, I actually lost weight while sleeping.

NC: It truly is the work of an artist. A “con” artist, if you will.

(Various nostalgic commercials start playing again.)

NC (vo): Well, folks, I don’t think I’m gonna top this bit of insanity, so I might as well call it quits here.

NC: Thanks for joining me in my commercials special and remember: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—

(NC’s house explodes while he’s inside it.)

(Adult Zack puts down his explosion button and crosses “Obnoxious High-Pitched Critic” off his list.)

Singer: ♫ Zack, Zack, he’s a psycho maniac. Zack, Zack, he’s a psycho maniac. ♫

Johnny (from The Room): (audio) Bitch.

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline—

Winston: That’s a big Twinkie.