DVD-R Hell: Poochinski

DVD R' HELL: POOCHINSKI



CS (vo): On the one end of the failed TV pilot world, you've got look well. The smart funny series from Conan O'Brian, starring Adam West that sadly never made it to series; and, on the other hand, you've got “Poochinski”!



CS: Hmmm, just saying the name “Poochinski”, screams or barks cancellations.



CS (vo): It's a notorius 1990 TV pilot starring Peter Boyle as a detective killed in the line of duty, whose soul is transferred into the body of a bulldog. It would have made a great double feature with “Krishna Cop!”, except that was only a sketch on “In Living Colour”; this was actually intended as a television series.



(the main titles start)



CS (vo): It starts out seeming like a typical 80's-early 90's cop show: a sweet jazzy soundtrack, the nighttime skyline...and, this.

There isn't much recovery after seeing this title.



Poochinski: “''Hey! Who's this?''”



Casey: “I'm Casey, the new dispatcher.”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poochinski: “''Casey? Anyone ever tell you you've got a real sexy voice?''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Anyone tell you you have a stupid name, Poochinski?

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: I like that this is his last name before he turns into the dog. I guess he's grateful that his last name wasn't “Analcystburg”!

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS(vo): This is always a good sign too: when your title character is credited last. Uhm, written by Brian Levant?

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Well, now I know we're in good hands. This guy directed “Problem Child 2”, “The Flintstones” “Snow Dogs” and “Are We There Yet?”. What? Was Shawn Levy unavaialable?

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Speaking of directors, the pilot is directed by Will Mackenzie, who gave us a few episodes of “Scrubs”, but 63 episodes of this...

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">??: “''You just said okey-dokey-smokey? Ah, that's my favourite catchphase!! Oh, that is (neatorriffic?)!!”''

<p align="CENTER">

<p align="CENTER">(a guy laughs)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Poochinski is partened up with yuppie detective Robert Mckay, layed by George Newbern: an actor with the amazing ability to never age in 20-plus years.

<p align="LEFT">Poochinski first meets the bulldog when he saves him from street kids.

<p align="LEFT">This is what I want to see in a half hour comedy series: animal cruelty!

<p align="LEFT">Luckily, he scares them off by being Peter Boyle and badass.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Kid: “What's the T, grandpa?”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''Easy, fella! I lost my head, you know. When you get to be my age, you forget things like: “Whether or not this gun is loaded?” Well, there's only one way to find out!''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Shit! I already use the “can't shoot a kid” reference and the “beware children to play a video”.

<p align="LEFT">Well, here it is again!

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Kid: “''You can't shoot a kid! Can't you, fucker?''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Immediately, Poochinski hits it off with the bulldog and...Well, at least, this is a sexier scene than Mitchell! Seems like the dog is the only person in this show who likes Poochinski.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Shriver: “''Hey, Poochinski! Finally found somebody to kiss ya? Ha ha ha ha!''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''Hey, Shriver! Don't let the word get around! I wouldn't want anyone to think I've been unfaithful to your wife!''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): You know, so far, the show isn't terrible. I could get behind a gritty cop show with Peter Boyle and a bulldog.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: One of my favourite Dirty Harry movies was “Sudden Impact”, in which Harry pals around with a bulldog named “Meathead”. It was awesome!

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Shit! This show even has Frank McRae, playing the captain; as he did in “48 Hrs.” and “Last Action Hero”.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: That's a good sign for me and yes, I really do like “Last Action Hero”. But the, this show...Well...

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “He breaks wind constantly!”

<p align="LEFT">Frank: “The dog?”

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “Sergent Poochinski!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): I guess to the show's credit, we don't see him farting all the time, but the fact that we have to hear about it secondhand, somehow makes it more juvenile.

<p align="LEFT">Poochinski and McKay try to hit it off a little bit, but it doesn't work.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''Hey! Would you see a picture of my latest? Nice, huh? You get to meet a lot of great broads when you work vice.''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Yeah, it's really not that hard to pick up a prostitute, wheter, wheter or not you work on vice.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): The two cops then witness an attempted robbery and, while McKay gives chase, Poochinski saves the dog's life; which causes Poochinski to get hit by the robber, then slammed into another car and, before they can send out for haunts Dale Brooke's brain, Poochinski's spirit floats into the dog.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="CENTER">(scene)

<p align="CENTER">

<p align="LEFT">CS: The hell's with the haunting “Twin Peaks” score! Am I gonna see the dog go undercover at one-eyed Jack's casino next?

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Here's where the story loses me though: Poochinski saves the dog's life; thus causing Poochinski to get killed, but when his soul transfers to the dog's, the dog's former subconscious no longer exists! Making Poochinski's sacrifice to the save the dog's life completely unnecessary, because the dog himself is now technically dead anyway! It isn't until the funeral scene where we get to see the dog talk.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: And I don't know what I was expecting...Probably the “Look Who's Talking Now”, boy and his dog route where you only hear the dog's voice while real animals do the acting...But I wasn't expecting this...I don't think anybody was.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “Ah!” (he get scares)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo (as a fake dog): “Surprise!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: That's terrifying; but, at least, the scene leads to one of the only highlights of this show.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): A 20 year old weather bulletin.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Yeah, try paying attention to the severe weather bulletin; while this is going on on-screen.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: (clears his voice and start to sing “Everybody Loves Somebody” by Dean Martin) “Everybody loves somebody sometimes/Everybody falls in love somehow”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “Poochinski!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): You know, H.R. Pufnstuf's dick would be less terryfying than this dog. He even starts to get sick when he finds out his partner has been desks.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “What are you gonna do now?”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poochinski: “Well, first I'm going to try licking myself and, then I'm gonna catch my killer; and you're gonna help me!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Every revenge plot needs priorities: this one's is licking balls apparently.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Poochinski and McRay make it back to the police station, where Poochinski returns to his old tricks.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(Scene)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Great! Now he can molest women without them knowing about it. Perfect!

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): I don't know what's more disturbing: the fact that he's fucking her or the fact that she seems to be enjoing it.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(scene)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): What's interesting is that because the dog can't walk and talk at the same time, McKay has to carry him around everywhere. They return to Seinfield's Apartment building, where McKay also lives and I've never be happier in my life to see Huckleberry Hound.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “''Look at yourself! You're a dog!''”

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''I'm a cop! Need I remind you who caught the North Hill's strangler or a post office bomb-outs?”''

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “When you were making college, not wearing one!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “I'm a better cop before, lazy you'll ever be too!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): You don't even use your four legs. I'm guessing that even in a chase scene, McKay would also have to carry you. He kicks Poochinski out, but then he returns with the help of sexy Amy Yasbeck, McKay's love interest. She decides to stay for dinner and Poochinski tries to help set the mood with a little music.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(Poochinski put the song “Everybody Loves Somebody by Dean Martin in the background)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Good work, that sets the mood about as well as Cannibal Holocaust.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): McKay fights with Poochinski in the bedroom, which really confuses Yasbeck.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Yasbeck: “Is everything okay?”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “Fine, straining the dog.”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Oh, okay. I'll go back to cooking dinner for the man yelling at something in the bedroom and brandishing a gun. But, after all the terryfying puppetry, it just now starts to hit him that the plot line should probably depress him.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “What's the matter, Poochinski?”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''Look at me! I've become a dog! It's all thinking in now.''”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: No, it's too late to get dramatic. You can't do ball licking and piss jokes before the drama of your situation occurs to you.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “At least, you haven't lost your sense of humour.”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): That's because there was nothing to lose.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “Maybe stay home and arm wrestle...Now, these are good force: digging up bones.”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Well, you managed to work a radio; not every dog can do that.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Well, with only 4 minutes of the show left, might as well, wrap up that hole avenge my death thing; but not before a rabies joke.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: “You're still upset about that rabies shot, aren't you?”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(Poochinski growls)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Luckily for them, the same bandit strikes at the same place in broad fucking daylight. I like how the dog doesn't seem too terrybly enthused about cathcing the guy, almost like even the dog doesn't want to be in this show. While McKay fights Jim Jones, the dog, for a lack of better term, barks orders at McKay; until finally biting the guy in the crotch.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(Poochinski bites the balls of the thief)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): So, case closed! End of the show! But not without an extra touch of wackiness.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Poo: “''Hmm, loafers! My favourite!''

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Robert: ''“Hey! Hey! Drop it! Drop it! Drop! Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad!”''

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: Wow! A shame this was only a pilot. There are so many unanswered questions...No, seriously! There are!

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS (vo): Did Poochinski have any family members anyone close to him who, probably, would like to know he's still alive? There were people at the funeral I'm sure someone there would be interested in knowing he's in the body of a talking dog. He mentions a girlfriend a couple times, but we only see her in the picture. And, speaking of pictures, at the end, we see Poochinski being awarded after his killer's arrest. Does that mean the police force now know he's a talking dog? And, if Poochinski's soul transferred to the body of the dog, did the dog's soul transfer into something else? Because as I see it, this dog dies just so Poochinski could makes piss jokes.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">Shriver: “Hey!”

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">CS: So many questions that I really don't care about. The show's not funny. I'm not surprised that it didn't go to the series, but I am kind of surprised that it even aired in the first place...But, on the plus side, I guess it's not as depressing as “Turner & Hooch”.

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">(End credit)

<p align="LEFT">

<p align="LEFT">NBC Announcer: “Coming up next, Farrah Fawcett stars in the NBC miniseries based on the true story for rich girl: “The Barbara Hutton Story”, only on NBC.”