Godzilla

NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Remember in 1994 when Stargate came out?

Footage of Stargate the movie NC (voiceover): For those who don't, the build-up was incredible. They showed us this magical gate that could teleport us somewhere else. Where did they go? What did they find when they got there? You had to go see the movie to find out.

NC: Wow, I wonder what it could be. This is gonna keep me awake all night, I, I'm gonna see the movie right now just to find out! Placecard: One Screening Later... NC: HOLY CRAP WAS THAT STUPID! So what, aliens invented the pyramids, are you nuts? Yeah, all those Egyptian morons with their brilliant, groundbreaking designs, they had nothing to do with it! It was just aliens!

A still shot of Ra from Stargate NC (voiceover): And the ruler of the known universe is that chick with the dick from The Crying Game?

NC: BLOW ME! It's the last time I ever watch a movie by these jokers again! ...say, you remember in 1996 when Independence Day came out?

Footage of Independence Day NC (voiceover): It was done by the same idiots who did Stargate, but look. All it showed in the advertising was the white house being blown up, that's it, nothing else.

NC: Whoa, how the hell does that happen? This movie must be good! I mean, sure they messed up with Stargate but maybe this'll be a good one. Besides, I just gotta know how the White House blows up. I'm gonna go check it out right now! Placecard: One Screening Later... NC: SON OF A BITCH! THIS MOVIE'S EVEN WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE! So what, the President of the United States gets in a jet to fight off aliens? Are you high? God, that's it, I'm done. I am never watching another movie by these morons ever again! ...Ever! The trailer to the American Godzilla movie starts up; it says "From the creators of Independence Day" NC: Nope, nope, not interested. Nope. The trailer continues

Fisherman: I got a bite! Hehehehehehehehehe!

NC: No, no, I don't care, no. ''The pole gets torn out of the fisherman's hand, and a huge bulge in the water appears. NC--and the other fishermen--looks on intently. The bulge moves toward the dock, flanked by something sticking out of the water on both sides, and ends up pushing through the fisherman's dock, as he runs away; the trailer ends as the other fishermen look through a chain link fence at Godzilla's huge eye, and the title coming on screen'' NC: ...GODDAMMIT! Curse my hunger for wanton destruction!

Footage of Godzilla NC (voiceover): Alright, so even though the filmmakers made two horrible movies before, Godzilla hooked us all in with its clever advertising. How? Because they never showed the monster. You had to see the movie in order to see the monster. So advertisers thought up the brilliant strategy of describing the monster for us, like vehicles that said "His foot is as long as this bus." Or billboards that said "His head is as big as this sign." It was downright genius.

NC: Alright guys, so ya suckered us in yet again. But please, please...can you TRY and give us a good movie this time? I mean, it's Godzilla! It can't be that difficult to make something that's just so unentertaining- Placecard: One Screening Later... NC: OH YOU SHITKNOCKERS! YOU DID IT, YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! You made Godzilla even less credible than he already was! Somebody get these two schmangs(?) an award for sucking! AAAASS!

NC (voiceover): So if I had to sit through this pile of dino droppings, I figure you oughta share the pain with me. The film starts out with, oddly enough, a monster attacking the Japanese. Haven't seen that before. ''A scene of someone speaking Japanese is over-subtitled with "Shitty movie off the port bow!" Then some people scream, and it's subbed "Shitty movie! Shitty movie!"'' NC (voiceover): After that scene we get our next horrible disaster, Matthew Broderick. He plays our main character called Nikko Titopolous.

Nick: It's Tatopoulos!

NC (voiceover): Whatever. He plays as a nerdy white guy who wears glasses and is socially weird.

NC: Gee, that sounds like the nerdy white guy who wears glasses and is socially awkward from Stargate! Or the nerdy white guy who wears glasses and is socially awkward from Independence Day! But don't you worry, this character is far, far different. ...he is much more annoying than any of those other guys.

NC (voiceover): So the job of Mr. Metropolis-

Nick: It's Tatopoulos.

NC (voiceover): Whatever. -is to study earthworms and how they grow over a certain period of time. This leads to him getting the clever nickname of "The Worm Guy."

NC: Matthew Broderick plays a wormy person? Finally, some ideal casting.

NC (voiceover): So the military comes and takes him to a piece of land in Panama, where they want him to analyze something a LITTLE bigger than an earthworm.

General: Here's your sample. Study it.

Nick: What sample?

General: You're standing in it. The camera pans out and shows Nick standing in one of Godzilla's footprints

NC: They want him to inspect the footprint of a giant chicken?

NC (voiceover): Though giant poultry is NOT on his list of study specimens, Mr. Testosterone-

Nick: It's Tatopoulos.

NC (voiceover): Whatever. -agrees to study whatever made that hole in the ground. Meanwhile, in Tahiti, that French guy from The Professional interviews one of the survivors of the monstrous shipwreck. He pulls out a lighter and shows it to the survivor

NC: Whoa...a lighter...I've seen giant radioactive lizards the size of a kingdom, but a lighter? That gets my attention.

French guy: What did you see, old man?

NC: ...okay, apparently fire translates English into Japanese. But I digress.

French guy: What did you see, old man?

Old man: Gojira...Gojira...Gojira...

NC: This seems threatening at first, but take a look at what Godzilla actually translates out to. The same Gojira scene is played, but is subtitled to make the old man say "Nice Lighter."

NC (voiceover): Next we cut to New York City where a woman, named Audrey, wants to try and get a reporting job from an anchor she's working for, played by Harry Shearer.

Audrey: He said he'd consider me for the job? What else did he say?

Kaymen: Why don't we talk about it over dinner tonight? Your place.

Audrey: Mr. Kaymen, you're married.

Kaymen: Yes, and you're very beautiful, have I ever told you that before?

NC (voiceover): Wow, subtle. Do you think he tries that on every woman he meets?

NC: Hi, my name is Charles, my hobbies are marriage, cheating and having sexual intercourse with you. You wanna have dinner?

NC (voiceover): And then we cut to ANOTHER location in Jamaica.

NC: Jesus, how many locations are there, it's like they got kicked out of every country that they tried to film in.

NC (voiceover): Where it turns out Bowser is still on the loose, as it turns out he attacked yet another ship. And much like this movie, it was dragged under. What could this giant perversion of nature possibly be?

Nick: This animal is much too big to be some kind of lost dinosaur. A hybrid, caused by the fallout on these islands.

Woman: Uh huh. Like your earthworms?

Nick: Yes, yes. I believe that this is a mutated aberration.

NC: (mimicking Matthew Broderick) Just like my career! I'm acting!

NC (voiceover): Next we cut to Audrey's friends, played by a very annoying Vicky Louis and an even more annoying Hank Azaria.

Vicki: I'm telling you, he is dirt! He's a douchebag, pukecrap, gutterslime dog chunks!

Hank: Hey hey, I'm eating, you don't see I'm eating?

NC: (bad New York accent, mimicking Hank) Come on, can't you see I'm tryin' to be New York here, badda-bing-boom-bang, Jets and stuff.

NC (voiceover): She's suddenly distracted when she sees Mr. Tapdancelous-

Nick: It's Tatopoulos.

NC (voiceover): Whatever. -on the TV screen. Audrey makes googly eyes at the screen; NC mocks her NC (voiceover): While that's going on, we see the mayor of New York and his aide appeasing the city. Tell me if these two look familiar at all.

Gene: Mayor Ebert!

Mayor Ebert: Thank you! He puts two thumbs up

NC (voiceover): Oh, they're spoofing Siskel and Ebert, I see. Apparently Mayor Ebert is an anger-obsessed screamer who spends most of his time eating candy, while his aide Gene is a slimy little yesman who blindly agrees with anything he says.

NC: Take that Siskel and Ebert, how dare you have an opinion!

Pics of Siskel and Ebert, then footage from other Emmerich-Devlin films NC (voiceover): But I don't get it, why are they making fun of these two in the first place? They're like America's most-loved critics. Oh, maybe it's because they never gave thumbs up to any of your movies. Well maybe if you got your thumbs out of your asses and started producing good films, we'd agree with you. But dude, they don't even take advantage of this. Godzilla footage again NC (voiceover): Even Gene Siskel, the critic they were satirizing, asked the question: A picture of Siskel, and the words he said, on the screen NC (voiceover): If you're going to go through the trouble of putting us in a monster movie, why don't you at least take the advantage of having the monster either eat or squash us?

NC: Hey that's a good point. Here's your shot to really get back at these critics who hated all your films, in a monster movie no less, and you don't even have the monster kill them or rip them to shreds? That's really bad when you're getting criticized by the critic you're criticizing because you didn't criticize them enough. ...try saying that three times fast!

NC (voiceover): But the director's not the only one preying on the innocent, Godzilla finally arrives, showing his face in New York and running a-prehistoric-mok. Look out, it's Cloverfield, and it's 8 years early! So he romps and stomps and even goes past a news station where voice actress Nancy Cartwright sees him walk by.

Nancy: I think your story just walked by the window.

NC: Okay, wait a minute. Nancy Cartwright, Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria...is this just a Simpsons reunion?

NC (voiceover): What's next, the cast of Scooby Doo is gonna show up?

The mystery machine is superimposed over a New York street Shaggy: Like zoinks Scoob, look out, it's Godzilla-(smash)

Scooby: Hory shit!

Shaggy: Like, you said it Scoob!

NC (voiceover): So he roars and screams and tears up good chunks of the city, and then out of nowhere, he suddenly disappears.

Soldier: After his initial attack, he uh...disappeared.

NC: He suddenly disappears? How can you lose track of a 20 story high dinosaur!

Nick: It's perfect, and island, water on all sides, and like no other island in the world, this is a place where he can easily hide.

NC: ...a city of 8 million people is a good place to HIDE?! This isn't like The Bourne Identity where he can just blend in to his surroundings.

NC (voiceover): My guess is that a giant prehistoric lizard is probably gonna stand out! A shot of Godzilla, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat, superimposed over a busy New York street NC (voiceover): So they look over the damage that the amazing, disappearing Godzilla left behind.

Reporter: In what city officials are referring to as the WORST act of destruction since the World Trade Center bombing-

NC: Uh, yeah, the uh, World Trade Center Bombing. I'm sure that's the ONLY huge disaster that New York will ever...um...alright I'm bailing out of this one. He pulls an unseen lever and an alarm goes off, with the words "Joke Aborted" over the reporter's face

NC (voiceover): We see that Godzilla has left a long line of destruction, even caved his way through the MetLife building, haha, that's funny. But, wait, really look at this. How is it possible that that thing is still standing?

NC: New York architecture isn't just one of those big paper things you rip through at the beginning of a football game! It's a little more complicated than that!

NC (voiceover): So while the city is being evacuated, our heroes try to think of a way to lure the monster out so they can get a good shot at it. They then come up with a brilliant idea. FISH! Of course, giant piles of fish. Because as we all know, lizards do NOT EAT FISH! THEY EAT BUGS! What are you, crazy?

NC: You'd be better off putting a giant ant farm in the middle of the city you retards!

NC (voiceover): So our brilliant and obviously un-lizard prone hero looks over this amazing sight.

Nick: That's a lot of fish. The soldier he's talking to simply looks at him

NC: ...what?

Nick: That's a lot of fish.

NC: That's a lot of fish. He sits back, trying to understand why the line was said NC: ...I dont get it. That's a lot of fish, so? I mean, is that meant to be funny? They left a pause at the end for the audience to laugh, I mean, but...what's the joke? I could've just as easily said "That's a hat, that's a wall." That's a lot of fish, I mean how is that funny? You could've said a lot things there like- They show the scene, but with speech bubbles superimposed over it NC: (mimicking Nick) I got a fishy feeling about this, or it's like shooting fish in a barrel out here. Back to NC NC: I mean, it wouldn't have been funny. But at least it would have been actual jokes! That's a lot of fish, you could spend YEARS trying to figure out why that's supposed to be funny and not get anywhere. That's a lot of fish, you could literally just put. In. Gibberish. And that at least would've been a little bit funnier.

NC (voiceover): He looks over the amazing sight, turns to the other guy and says... Speech bubbles again NC (voiceover): Poppity pop pop pop.

NC: And that would've actually gotten some kind of laugh. Just NONSENSE off the top of my head is funnier than these guys trying to willingly produce written humor. THIIINK!

NC (voiceover): So, after Mr. Tinmanopoulos-

Nick: It's Tatopoulos.

NC (voiceover): Whatever. -makes his brilliant remark, guess who comes to dinner.

The ground cracks because Godzilla is underneath it NC: Wow, I guess Bugs Bunny is lost again.

Bugs: (voice overdubbed on the scene) I knew I should've taken that left toin at Albuquoikue.

NC (voiceover): No, it's the poorly computer generated Godzilla, in all his unconvincing pixelization! Nick takes a picture NC (voiceover): (pretending to speak for Godzilla) Did you get my good side?

Godzilla leans down and sniffs Nick NC: Please say he eats Broderick.

NC (voiceover): No, not today. Apparently someone also forgot to tell Godzilla lizards don't eat fish, as he takes the bait literally hook-line-and-sinker. But the military attack, which means of course more stomping and running around the city.

Nick gets knocked to the ground, and a statue gets knocked over, looking as though it will hit him NC: Hit him John Adams, do our country proud! It doesn't NC: Woe to the Union!

John Adams: I am so pitifully embarrassed.

NC (voiceover): Look, he's even breathing fire. Just like a real lizard would do! Look at this scene, it's practically ripping off every single flying scene ever done in motion picture history. Montage of scenes from this movie cut together with ones from other movies NC (voiceover): But it turns out the military REALLY sucks at their job because they actually turn out to destroy more of the city than the monster does. Seriously, I don't get how they can't shoot this thing. I mean is he really that hard to miss*? I especially love this scene where the monster ACTUALLY MANAGES TO FAKE THEM OUT. Dude, this isn't a game of tag, just use any of your basic five senses to find him. ''Nelson Muntz' "Ha ha!" is dubbed over the scene where the helicopter is destroyed'' NC (voiceover): After he starts dry-humping a building, Godzilla manages to--I'm not kidding--disappear again.

(*The use of "miss" instead of "hit" happens in the video)

NC: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE IDIOTS? Are they just looking at their shoelaces when he's around, I mean wake up!

Soldier: We did nothin' to him.

Nick: Oh, that's not true. We fed him.

NC: Ahahahahaha, several good soldiers just lost their lives. ...Dick.

NC (voiceover): So after that we see Audrey, as she comes across Mr. Tackanovahumpashirerickydickyhamstermasterpollywollywannabingbangsupercalifragilisticnickknackpaddywhackgiveadogabananafannafofrescahickorydickoryhocketypocketywocketyangelinafrancescathethird.

Nick: It's Tatopoulos!

NC (voiceover): Whatever. As they decide to catch up on old times.

Audrey: You're still mad at me?

Nick: Well, you left without a phone call, no letter, nothing, all this time...yeah, yeah, I guess I am still a little mad.

Audrey: That was 8 years ago. Some people change.

Nick: Most people don't.

NC: Um...I'm sorry, but uh, you ARE aware that there was just A GIANT RADIOACTIVE MONSTER ROAMING THROUGH THE CITY, RIGHT?

Nick: 8 years is a long time. Can I make ya a cup of tea?

Audrey: Sure, that'd be nice.

NC: By the way, did ya see all that fish? There was a lot of it!

NC (voiceover): She stares over as apparently her exboyfriend keeps a lot of pictures of her lying around. Most women would find this creepy, but the script's out of touch reality suggests she finds it charming. So charming that she steals a videotape of top secret information from him so she can post it all over the news.

NC: Wow, what a whore.

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, as helicopters continue to search for plot, Broderick comes across a stunning realization. Godzilla is pregnant? How can that be, males can't lay eggs.

Nick: Not if he reproduces asexually.

NC: Wow, how dramatically convenient!

Nick: The blood that I collected revealed that the creature is either about to lay eggs...or already has.

NC: Gentlemen, we could have sequels. Horrible, horrible sequels!

Nick: These eggs are gonna hatch very quickly.

Scientist: How could you possibly know that?

Nick: Fish. The fish that we found on the subway. He's not collecting all this food just for himself.

NC: And I don't think I need to remind you gentlemen that that was, in fact, a lot of fish.

NC (voiceover): But the army doesn't listen to Broderick's pleas as they learn that he accidentally leaked information to the news and is booted off the assignment. Audrey tries to apologize for being a bitch.

Audrey: It was a terrible thing to do, I never should've done that.

Nick: Good luck with your new career. I really think you have what it takes!

NC (voiceover): (mimicking Nick) I thought we had something, I thought we had fish! (normal) But Jean Reno pops up as it turns out he's part of some secret French organization, as they set out to stop Godzilla because they care about the Americans.

NC: Can you believe us to expect such a thing? I mean not the giant radioactive lizard, the French trying to help Americans! Puh! Ridiculous.

NC (voiceover): Because the fish plan worked SO well the first time, the military plans to do it again, only this time they're luring the monster out into Central Park, because as we all know, no one can survive Central Park in the middle of the night. Godzilla comes out for the 11TH RAINY DAY IN A ROW and again falls for the bait. (talking for Godzilla) Alright...I'm just going for the fish. We cool? We cool? (they fire at it) Oh you cocktease! (normal) With some more explosions and obnoxious kabooms, Godzilla runs through the city yet again. (talking for Godzilla) I'm starting to think you don't like me very much. Godzilla jumps into the water

NC: Oh good, he jumped into the Hudson River, he'll be dead in a matter of seconds!

NC (voiceover): But the Green October is standing by and to zap this rap-scale-ion back to kingdom come. The torpedoes hit Godzilla NC (voiceover): (speaking for Godzilla) I just wanted to be on Broadway... (normal) You'd think that'd be the end, but nope! Our heroes drive into the demolished subway to find the next of eggs that Broderick was talking about. But wait, how are the French gonna pass by as Americans?

Guard: Who you boys with?

Nick: We're with the 3-2, sir.

Guard: I didn't ask you, soldier. (to the French guy) You got a problem talkin'?

French Guy: (in Elvis accent) Why no sir, I'm fine.

Guard: Alright. Keep it moving.

French guy: Thank you very much. (normal accent, to Nick) Elvis Presley movies. He was the king.

NC: Eh, it could be worse. He could've done his Jerry Lewis impression. Same scene, with NC dubbing over the French guy with a bad Jerry Lewis impersonation

French guy: I just wanted to ride on the underground choochoo with the wheels and the sparks and the LADY!

NC (voiceover): So they come across a destroyed Madison Square Garden where they make their discovery. (pretending to be Nick) Quiet, I think I hear fish! (normal) Faster than you can "green eggs and ham," our heroes come across a nest of Cadbury eggs from Hell. But the eggs start to hatch, and rather than just shoot the damn things, the French do what they're best known for: Give up and scram.

NC: And this is the part of the movie I like to call "Guess what part of Jurassic Park they're stealing from!" Montage of Jurassic Park scenes played against Godzilla ones, illustrating the rip-offs, set to oldies rock

NC (voiceover): It seems that behind every door there seems to be a blockade of monsters. Broderick should know, he checks all of them. Montage of scenes of Nick finding Godzilla hatchlings NC (voiceover): Once again the mystical gumballs of doom seem to give the monsters the slip, as they get out of the building just before the military blows it to smithereens! So THIS should be the end of the movie, right? No, because Godzilla actually resurrects himself back to life. A logo comes up saying "Truly, he is the son of GODzilla" NC (voiceover): So this leads to yet ANOTHER chase scene where our heroes race across the city in a taxi. "Turn the meter off, turn the meter off!" You know, they outwit this thing just a few too many times. He breathes fire at them, they just turn around. He corners them in a tunnel, they just turn on their headlights. THEY GET TRAPPED INSIDE HIS MOUTH...

NC: Hey, got a quarter? The car flies out of his mouth

NC (voiceover): (pretending to be Nick) I know this may be a bad time to mention this, but do you guys remember all that fish? Wasn't that something? (normal) So he gets tangled up in the Brooklyn Bridge as the military throw everything they got at him.

Random soldier: Direct hit, but the target is still moving sir.

General: Well circle around and fire again!

NC: Just blow shit up, it's all we know how to do! ...Sheesh, what the hell else can they throw at the damn thing? Use the anvil! An anvil is superimposed over Godzilla's head NC: Use the ocean liner! Same with the ocean liner NC: That's it, bring on the sink, boys! A kitchen sink is "dropped" on Godzilla

NC (voiceover): After the creature FINALLY goes down, we get that lame scene where I guess you're supposed to actually feel sorry for it. ...I've had more emotions for my toilet brush.

NC: What have we become? A crowd cheers NC: Eh, I guess we'll never find out. Hooray!

NC (voiceover): So Audrey and Tittease get together, Gene gives Ebert a "vulgar" thumbs down, and even our French friend manages to say au revoir.

French guy: Thank you for your help, my friend. (NC pretends to speak for him) Maybe one day I too can be fascinated by fish. (normal) And they all live happily ever after.

NC: OR DO THEY?! A scene of a leftover Godzilla egg hatching NC: I don't think so. He pulls out his gun and shoots the hatchling

NC (voiceover): In my world, this movie is over. Why?

NC: Because this movie bombed big time! Finally bringing down the reign of special effects disaster movies that were, in and of themselves, disaster movies.

Footage and posters of subsequent Emmerich-Devlin movies NC (voiceover): True the same director tried to lure us back with shitty movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 BC, but audiences are FINALLY learning their lesson about avoiding this group's crap. And if by chance you think that their latest disaster movie, 2012, might finally be that one good disaster film you think they might make...

NC: Just remember--

Tom: Don't you believe it!

NC: God I love that cartoon. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!

After the credits Nick: That's a lot of fish.