Santa Claus: The Movie

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, as we come to the end of December, we look at our last Christmas movie.

(Douchey McNitpick pops up from the bottom right of the screen)

Douchey: But Christmas is over! (NC, still smiling at the camera, grabs a gun off-screen and fires at Douchey) AH! (He runs offscreen)

NC: We come to our last Christmas movie “Santa Claus.” Ah, the timeless tale with the Tool Man himself, Tim Allen. Gah, I can’t wait to see this wonderful classic again—

(Footage from “Santa Claus: The Movie” is presented instead)

NC (voiceover): That’s the big Lebowski, what the fuck? Wait a minute, this isn’t the Tim Allen movie; this is something completely different! What is this, from the ‘80s? What the hell am I watching?

NC: I’m sorry; I’m totally unfamiliar with this film. What else did this director make? (A movie poster for “Supergirl” is shown) Oh, great! That’s fantastic! Once you’ve directed “Supergirl,” you can’t possibly direct a good movie after that! (The movie poster for “Somewhere in Time” appears from the bottom left of the screen, and he shoves it aside) No good movie at all!

(The title screen for “Santa Claus: The Movie” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (Voiceover): Yes, it’s the ever-growing cult classic “Santa Claus: The Movie,” starring Dudley Moore, John Lithgow, and yes, The Big Lebowski himself, David Huddleston. It’s a strange bizarre little film that promises to be odd and awkward all the way to the very end. Why is this movie continuing to gather such a weird yet growing audience?

NC: Well, let’s close out December to find out. This is “Santa Claus: The Movie.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So we open in sort of a Viking-ish village where we actually discover the origin of Santa Claus. Oh, you mean we’re gonna talk about the actual Saint Nicholas and what we historically know about him? He’s a fat guy with toys; we’re running with that angle.

Anya (Santa’s wife): How does he find time to make all those things? He makes time. What could I tell you? It gives him pleasure.

NC: He hasn’t put out in weeks, has he?

“Anya”: (shouts from the camera at NC) SHUT UP!

NC (Voiceover): So Santa doesn’t have all his magic powers yet; he’s just a normal guy who makes little carvings and toys for all the kids in the village. So he leaves the set of “Fiddler on the Roof” and goes to deliver more toys. But as the storm gets worse, his reindeer start to get weaker and have a hard time carrying on.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: (to his reindeer) Donner! Now, listen! Over there, there’s food and warmth! Here is where you freeze to death! Now, come on, my good boys! Come on!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Anya: Claus! Come back! I can’t see you!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: Oh, my God! Anya!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): You know, I appreciate your dedication, but you may have to consider the fact that YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE! I mean, these are two living animals, and your wife that you are killing to make this delivery! I think little Suzy can go without a My Little Creepy for one year!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: (huddles close to his wife for warmth) Anya! Anya, please!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): I mean, there’s celebrating determination, and then there’s just madness!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Seriously! Who would risk their life just to deliver a bunch of toys—?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A door opens off-screen, and then closes; in comes Santa Christ, who enters NC’s room and leans against the wall exhausted)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Background Singer: (sings to the tune of “The First Noel”) Santa Christ, Santa Christ / You will love Santa Christ…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (approaches Santa Christ gladly) Santa! Holy balls…!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: (interrupts) W-W-W-W-W-W-W-Wait. Just…one moment. I…oh. (He pants a bit and brushes the snow off himself before spreading his arms wide in joy) OH-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho! I had to withstand three snowstorms, two tornadoes and a tsunami just to give your Christmas gift. Here! (He hands NC a black Sega Genesis player)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: It’s…it’s a Sega Genesis.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: Yeah?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: I…I already got one.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: (Beat) From who?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: You!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho! Of course! Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A long, awkward pause occurs between the two)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: So are you gonna take this thing or not?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Oh! (He gladly takes the Sega Genesis) Oh, yeah, thank you. Thank you. I’m, uh…Yeah, very, very grateful for that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Another long awkward pause occurs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: So how about that weather, huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: I nearly died.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: That’s right, that’s right. Uh, can I get you anything while you’re here?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: (shrugs) Nope.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Yet another long awkward pause occurs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Christ: Alright, yeah, well, see you. (He takes his red Santa hat puts it on before leaving)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Background Singer: Santa Christ, Santa—

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A door slams)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (thinks to himself for a bit before starting to leave and shake his Sega Genesis in the air with one hand) Hello, eBay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So just when it looks like the Christmas equivalent of “When the Wind Blows,” suddenly a bright light appears, bathing them in a heavenly glow. (Beat) Clearly, they are dead.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A group of elves approach the sleigh while holding candles)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So little elves come out through the light—though I use the term a little loosely, as one minute, they’re the size of G.I. Joes, and in the next, they’re…just kind of short—and they take them into the magical world of the North Pole.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: (in in wonder about the inside of the workshop) What is this?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dooley (an elder elf): They’re Christmas toys, waiting for you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: What have they got to do with me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dooley: You’re going to give them to your children. You have all the children of the world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: I won’t live long enough for that.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dooley: Both of you will live forever.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Um, am I the only one who finds this a little threatening at times? I mean, granted, these people did save them from death, but then they’re like…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as the Dooley) “You live here now.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa) “What?”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): (as Dooley) “You deliver toys for all eternity.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Claus) “I didn’t agree to this.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) “You will live forever.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Claus) “I have some questions about all—”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) “Or we could throw you out in the snow to die. Would you like that better?”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Claus) “No.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) “Alright then! Get to work, slave; we’re not paying you anything.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): (normal) So he (Claus) comes across an elf named Patch, played by Dudley Moore. His job in this movie is to push his vengeance and make as many bad elf puns as possible.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: [It] gives me a real feeling of elf confidence.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Are we elf-conscious?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: He just needs a little elf control.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Isn’t it elf explanatory?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: I don’t like elf assurance.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: I’m entirely elf taught.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Heaven helps those who help their elf.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Well, it’s elf explanatory.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: You know how in “The Smurfs” how they would replace every other word with the word “Smurf”? (He chuckles a bit) Uh, yeah, let’s—let’s just imagine for a millisecond that that was remotely funny. IT STILL WOULDN’T WORK!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Speaking of Smurfs, have you ever noticed that there’s no female elves in this place? Mrs. Claus seems to be the only woman for miles around.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) Your wife will also be our impregnated elf queen.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Claus) What?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): (as Dooley) Uh, nothing. Toy-making time!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (normal) So Santa Slave gets ready to go out on his first trip, but first, the outfit has to look right.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Anya: Green is just not his color. What about, um…?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Red.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Anya: Red! Perfect! Matches his cheeks and everything!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Yes, you’ll sell a lot more Coke that way.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): But before he gets to his sleigh, we get…this scene.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(An elder elf gazes into the stars, following a ball of light across the sky)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Astrologist Elf: Going closer now. Two more degrees north by northwest…NOW!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The ball of light shines down through a tower upon the group of elves huddled together, who admire it in great awe before snowflakes start to fall on them; a few of the elves nearby the astrologist elf are happy to see this and congratulate each other with handshakes and happy comments)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (chuckles a bit) Uh, does someone want to clue us in on what the hell just happened? A bright light shines in, it snows, they do nothing, and then they congratulate themselves for it.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A joyful dance begins with all the elves and both Santa and Anya dancing together)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Are these just, like, the world’s most excitable weathermen?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as a weather forecaster) And if you look at our five-day forecast, you’ll see that we get RAAAIIINNN! (A screenshot of a rain forecast is shown briefly before we see NC dance jovially in his seat)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So just as Santa gets ready to go, a character simply known as the Ancient Elf comes out to wish him good luck. And yes, he is played by Burgess Meredith.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ancient Elf: (to Claus) The Prophecy has come to pass, that there would come to us a Chosen One, and that he, having no child of his own, would love all children everywhere.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, movie, lighten up! Even Jesus doesn’t get this much build-up in most Christmas specials!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ancient Elf: From this day on, now and forever, you will bring our gifts to all the children in all the world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Mickey from “Rocky”) I want you to eat sprinkles and crap me Christmas cookies!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: How can I do so much in just one night?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ancient Elf: Time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Endless night, eternal working, this job is sounding better and better!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Claus starts to take off with his sleigh and guides his reindeer up into the sky)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Claus: Come on! Come on! Don’t be afraid! Come on! Feel the wind in your faces, boys!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So through the years, he travels around the world, gives toys, poses in front of shoddy blue-screens and soon, all the children know the name of Claus.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa) I was wondering if you would kill me today.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) Not today! Back to work.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa) I hate my life.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dooley) It hates you!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa, who sounds exasperated) Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (normal) The people even start to write stories about him.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dooley: (reads off a piece of parchment) “He had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa Claus: What? Is that how they think I look?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Anya: Well…you kn—…the cookies.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: And trust me, you being interpreted as a strong muscular Santa is not everything that’s cracked up to be. (A movie poster for “Santa with Muscles” is shown briefly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But for all the good that’s being done, Santa realizes he needs a second in command. So he hires Patch to run the place with some of his new inventions to make toys faster.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Patch’s automated manufacturing machine successfully creates a wooden tricycle; Patch laughs for joy at the success of his invention)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Patch) I’ve invented Japan!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(All the elves cheer for Patch, who approaches Santa and receives a handshake from him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (normal) So Santa supports Patch’s attempt to put quantity over quality—that’s the American way—and later, Santa comes across a little child who seems to be homeless. Imagine, out of all the years he’s been doing this, he FINALLY comes across a homeless child! I guess he deserves special attention to all the other homeless kids that don’t exist in this world.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: But it’s Christmas Eve. Don’t you know what that means?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: Yeah, it means you’re out of a job until next year, you and the rest of the winos.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Don’t you know who I am? I’m Santa Claus!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: Right, and I’m the Tooth Fairy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Well, at least I can tell if I’m a boy or a girl.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Well! I guess I’ll just have to do it my way.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Santa summons a spell that quickly transports himself and Joe to Santa’s sleigh up on a rooftop)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Alaka-child-abduction!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: Holy cow! How’d you do that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: See? What’d I tell you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So Santa takes him or her on the sleigh and shows off what he can do. But then they’re suddenly spotted.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Santa is inside a house, and a little girl approaches him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cornelia: Are you him? Are you Santa Claus?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: (to himself, smiles) Boy. I hate it when this happens.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Santa, grins and aims his gun at the camera) Santa has to make sure that you have a silent night. (He fires his gun before we quickly return to the movie)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But it turns out the girl has met the boy—at least, I think it’s a boy; he’s called Joe…though that could mean Josephine…anyway—because she used to leave food out for him. So Santa drops him off there for them to get better acquainted. But it turns out the toys that Patch made are all starting to fall apart. Patch, of course, watches in horror.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A boy drags a red wooden wagon behind him; the handle comes off before the wagon rolls out into the street and gets run over by a school bus)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A clip from “Arthur” intercuts with footage of the wooden toys falling apart)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Arthur Bach (from “Arthur”): (is drunk and laughs) Now that’s funny! (He continues laughing while a crying girl from the movie is being picked up and held up by her father) That’s funny. Tell me, has there been a death in your family? This is funny stuff here.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): And…in a bizarre couple of scenes, kids actually start beating up the boy and girl, because…they said they rode with Santa?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: (as he’s being repeatedly thrown at a wired fence) He’s not a creep! He’s a great guy!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Bully #1: Bullies doesn’t! I hate crap!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Bully #2: His presents suck!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Bully #3: What do you care? Nobody ever gave you nothin’!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): First of all, how do you know the kid isn’t lying? Couldn’t anyone say they rode with Santa? Second, if they do believe him, WHY ARE THEY BEATING HIM UP? HE RODE WITH SANTA! THAT’S FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Kid #1, speaks toward camera right) Guess what? I flew with Superman!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as Kid #2, speaks toward camera left) Oh, yeah? Well, he saved a plane my dad was on, and it made him airsick! I’m blaming you for some reason! (He punches in the air as though “punching” Kid #1)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): The girl doesn’t have much luck, either.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Girl #1: (to Cornelia) Everyone knows he gives out shoddy cheap toys.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Girl #2: My parents gave me a doll where she says whole sentences on a cassette. You don’t have any parents, so nyah! (Cornelia smacks the girl on the upper arm) Ow!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (laughs) Dude, she fucking judo chopped that kid!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Girl #2: So nyah! (Cornelia smacks her on the upper arm) Ow!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Also, how do you make the word “Ow!” sound forced? I don’t know, but this kid found the way.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(NC repeats footage of the word “Ow!” several times before we see Girl #2 shove back at Cornelia to start up a fight and a sound effect of a cat fight is heard in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So it turns out Santa has to fire Patch as his Number 2 guy. I’m not gonna lie, this is a really hard to watch scene.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Patch, how can I say this?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: You see, I think that, um…red…(He takes off his red apron) red just…just isn’t my color, you know?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (sarcastically sympathizes) Aww, he spared Santa having to say it and gave up the job himself. That is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: (to all the reindeer) Oh, boys. I’m gonna miss you. You know that, don’t you?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Oh, what, now he’s leaving?! I take it back; THIS is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! Could they make it any more depressing than that—(One of the reindeer sheds a tear) OH, JESUS!! THE REINDEER ARE CRYING?! (He sings while sad) Fa la la la, la la la la! (Accompanying text appears onscreen) We then cut to John Lithgow, playing the business head of a toy company. Actually, let me rephrase that: John Lithgow playing the alien from “ThirdundefinedRock [From the Sun]” playing the business head of a toy company.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z. (Lithgow): Cowards!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Swine!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Commies!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): He is beyond over-the-top in this movie. He’s so evil that he puts nails in teddy bears! I’m not even kidding; he’s called into court because he put nails in his teddy bears! How the hell do you get nails inside teddy bears?! It’s not just a mistake; you have to make a concentrated effort to make that happen! The only thing more complicated would be getting Sean Connery inside of a bear—! (Brief footage from “The Avengers” of a board meeting with everyone dressed in teddy bear costumes is shown)Well, they pulled that off. He seems like the perfect guy for Patch to go work for.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: (to B.Z.) Don’t you believe in Santa Claus?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Why should I? He never brought me anything.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: That’s because you were probably a naughty boy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Yes. I guess I was…no angel.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So…you know this guy is a bad person, and yet you still want to work for him? Welcome to Corporate America, folks.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Just let me use your toy factory.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: To make what?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Something special.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But to be fair, his business model could use a little work.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: What would it cost?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: (confused) Cost? Cost whom?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z: The people who…who buy the toy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Well, nothing. We’re going to give them away free.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(B.Z.’s face turns beet red and chokes as though ready to go into an outburst)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: (intrigued) Oh! Oh, that’s fantastic! How do you make your face so red so fast?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: FOR FREE?!?!?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (laughs) You know, I’m just imagining his acting coach behind the…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): …camera giving him advice.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (as John Lithgow’s acting coach) Okay, John, that was good, but I feel like you’re holding back a bit. Let’s go REALLY out there this time. Do as I do. (He begins to sputter in rage in an over-the-top fashion) Okay, now here’s the “For free?!” line. Let’s go really subtle on this.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: FOR FREE?!?!?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (still as the acting coach, is stunned and speechless for a moment) Oscar.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But Lithgow does finally come around to agreeing, and Patch makes a magic candy that can make people fly. And he makes sure—just like Santa—that every kid gets one over the holidays.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cornelia watches a commercial on TV at home)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: (in the commercial) Well, the Patchwork Present comes from me. You’ll find it under the Christmas tree. And best of all, you will agree is that it’s absolutely free.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Miss Tucker: (steps into the room) Cornelia, your step-uncle has just dropped by for a minute. Go and wish him a merry Christmas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): “Step-uncle”? There’s such a thing as a step-uncle? Isn’t that sort of like having a step-friend?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cornelia: (has entered a different room to speak toward a turned-around office chair) Merry Christmas, Uncle.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The chair spins around to reveal B.Z. sitting there)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: (smokes a cigar) It certainly should be. (He laughs evilly)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cue the Evil Popcorn Guy (from “Free Willy”) gag along with an evil music sting)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Yes, so Lithgow is the girl’s step-uncle—Seriously, even Spell Check doesn’t recognize that word—as the candy takes off like mad, which makes Patch think this somehow will get him in Santa’s good graces. Odd strategy, but Lithgow has other plans.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: (to Patch) What would happen if you were to juice up the formula a bit?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: It would make them fly.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Fly? You are some terrific ELF! (Getting an idea, he quickly goes to open a book at his desk and write down something)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: I mean, I can convert the…I can convert the-the machines to do candy canes in a week or two, and then I suppose…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: What’s the ad campaign? Tomorrow, strike while the iron is hot!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: But it’s a year ‘til Christmas.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: (senses a revelation) That’s it. We’ll bring it out on March 25th, and we’ll call it…Christmas 2!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (chortles and waves a hand in dismissal) Oh, we already have that, except the men suffer much more for it. It’s called Valentine’s Day.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Actually, I take it back. This is a good idea, as long as I get to give it the subtitle!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (forms the number 2 with one hand) Christmas 2:

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ricky (from “Silent Night, Deadly Night 2”): Garbage Day!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Phelous: Let it go.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: I know. (He looks down in sadness)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So as they work on Christmas 2…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Ricky (from “Silent Night, Deadly Night 2”): Garbage Day!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (Voiceover): …Santa sits in his chair and contemplates how his delivery service is being outdone by Lithgow’s business.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: (speaks while an audio clip of the piece “Lacrimosa” from Mozart’s Requiem plays) The world is a different place now, Anya. You don’t see it. The people don’t seem to care about…giving a gift…just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend’s eyes.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">The Dude (from “The Big Lebowski”): Do you mind if I do a J?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Maybe this fella B.Z….he’s smarter than I am.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">The Dude (from “The Big Lebowski”): (after smoking a joint) Fuckin’ A.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Maybe I’m…maybe I’m just an old fool.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Brandt (from “The Big Lebowski”) looks downward in grief)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So we cut back to the little boy and the little girl—Okay, seriously, three years have passed in this movie; do they ever age?—and it turns out her (speaks sarcastically) step-uncle (normal) drops by to reveal his evil plan.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: (to Dr. Eric Towzer) Santa Claus is FINISHED! (Joe and Cornelia eavesdrop by listening through a secret door) I’m taking over Christmas! (He pours brandy in both wine glasses for himself and Towzer) By next December, they’ll be writing to me! (He clinks glasses with Towzer’s) B.Z.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): (as Dr. Eric Towzer) More Pabst-Blue Ribbon in a brandy glass?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Outside, Joe accidentally sneezes)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): But Lithgow heard that incredibly forced sneeze and they capture the boy. They tie him up at the factory when suddenly, we find out that there’s a major flaw with the new flying candy.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dr. Eric Towzer: The candy canes exploded! They react in extreme heat and turn volatile.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(We see that Cornelia is listening in secret in a cupboard)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: We’ve got millions of dollars pouring in every day, most of it in cash! Cash, man!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Towzer: This stuff can kill people.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: Are you going soft on me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): What, not killing millions is going soft?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(B.Z. and Towzer are at the front door while Cornelia sneaks out to listen in some more from the kitchen before she runs upstairs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z.: We’ll take the cash and let the ELF taste the music. (He and Towzer laugh evilly before the front door is shut)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: Mmm, that laugh was subtle, but it’s no “FOR FREE?!”

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">B.Z. (from earlier in the film): FOR FREE?!?!?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So the girl notifies the police and gets Lithgow arrested, while also calling Santa to help. But Patch finds the boy tied up and lets him go. Fearing the worst, Patch decides to take his flying machine—filled with the candy canes in the back—to the North Pole. But Santa is on his way to stop them before it blows, so he pulls off the most pointless of stunts that he can.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: It’s Santa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Patch: Santa! (Santa begins to guide his sleigh in a giant circular motion in the air, starting from the underside of Patch’s flying machine) Santa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The flying machine soon explodes, making Joe and Patch fall)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cornelia: Joe!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Joe and Patch safely fall into Santa’s sleigh in the nick of time)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): What was the purpose of that? Why did he need to do a loop? Wouldn’t it make more sense if he just stayed under them at the same speed and then caught them after it blew up? God bless the useless Christmas miracles.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Cut to Santa’s workshop with Cornelia, Santa, Joe and Anya standing together)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Cornelia: (to Santa) Can I stay? Just ‘til next Christmas. Please?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe: And you can give her a lift home next year.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Santa: Well, Dooley?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Dooley: As if I don’t have enough to do. Now I’m going to have to be a school teacher.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Joe and Cornelia: School?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Santa, Anya and the elves all laugh)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): Oh, ho-ho! Now we’ve moved them to kidnapping! This has got to be the creepiest North Pole ever put to film! Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! (Everyone begins dancing around the workshop joyously) At least that would be what happened if this all wasn’t just a hallucinogenic dream followed by death.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The joyous dance scene fades into the blizzard scene from the beginning of the film with Claus and Anya huddled together, freezing to death)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: (chuckles as he speaks) Okay, okay, that’s not the real ending, but wouldn’t that be awesome?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC (voiceover): So that’s “Santa Claus: The Movie.” It’s stupid, it’s corny, and it has a lot of slow moments, but to its credit, I do kind of admire it at times. I know that sounds weird, but there is sort of an atmosphere to it, and I actually do find myself enjoying the actor who played Santa. Okay, he’s not a traditional Santa, he doesn’t have the deep booming voice, but he can carry a film pretty well. The silly moments are enjoyably silly, and even when it doesn’t work, you can still feel the effort these people put into it. You always feel like they’re trying hard, even when it fails. So on the whole, a goofy movie, but I’ll admit I’m glad I saw it. If you’re in sort of an odd mood and want to see a film that takes itself either too goofily or too seriously, well, then this is the Christmas flick for you.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">NC: So thanks for watching all throughout December. I hope you enjoyed it, and…wait a minute. Next month is January! (He spreads his arms wide) You know what that means! (Beat) STAR TREK MONTH!!! (He makes a pose before getting out of his seat and leaving while the “Star Trek” theme music plays in the background)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">THE END

<span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">Channel Awesome Tagline—B.Z.: FOR FREE?!?!?!