Midnight Screenings: The Smurfs

(Jake and Irving are in the backseat. Brad and Jillian are off camera in the front seat.)

Brad: Okay, just go ahead.

Jillian: You gotta say what you saw so people aren't confused.

Brad: They can look at the look on their face.

Irving: They can tell by our faces what the fuck we saw.

Brad: You want to tell Jerrid what he was missing since he couldn't make it?

Irving: Yeah, a kick to the testicles when I see him next. Fuck yeah. Enjoy your Kenny Chesney. You're not gonna have any balls left after this. Thanks a lot!

Brad: What about you, Jake?

Jillian: You'll have to get him out of Trace Adkins.

(They laugh)

Jillian: Sorry.

Irving: Dammit.

Jake: I just don't fucking care anymore.

Brad: This movie broke you?

Jake: At this point, you having me go to that fucking movie is a personal fucking insult. I'm done with- I am done with this fucking website. You take the rest of it and you shove it FIRMLY up your fuckin' ass! I am done!

Brad: Now, I didn't see the movie so I didn't know it was gonna be bad.

Jillian: You are the devil!

Irving: Wow, really?

Brad: Are you guys just pissed off cause you couldn't see it in 3D?

Jake: Oh yeah.

Irving: That's the only good thing about this movie! I got a three dollar rebate because I didn't have to go see it in 3D!

Brad: (laughing) You came into our theater before yours started.

Jake: Yeah, I went into Brad and Brian and Sarah. Fucking assholes were about to enjoy a very good movie that I wanted to see. Heaven fucking forbid I see a good fucking movie this goddamn summer! I'm one for fucking seven. One for fucking seven!

Brad: So it was-

Irving: This one takes the fucking cake. There is not a worse movie you're going to see in the next ten years.

Brad: Yeah

Irving: I would rather have my testicles shaved by a blind ninety year-old monk with Parkinson's! It's be a safer bet than seeing this going to see this fucking movie again.

Brad: So was it worse than you guys thought it would be?

Jake: I'll put it this way: I am now a fanboy of Priest. (They laugh)

Irving: Oh goddamit.

Brad: So were you guys the only ones there?

Irving: No!

Jake: Fuck no we weren't the only ones there!

Irving: There were goddamn grown ass adults.

Jillian: Not fucking?

Jake: There was, like, a guy and his sons. I have my own issues with taking kids out to a midnight screening. Whatever, fuck it. There was some dude and some lady. They looked older. They sat behind me and Brian. What-the-fuck-ever.

Brad; So did it have, like, the origins of the Smurfs or whatever?

Jake: Alright, here's the fucking movie.

Brad: Uh-huh?

Jake: (Through clenched teeth) GOD!

Jillian: (As Brad's laughing) You broke him, Brad.

Jake: The fucking movie involves Clumsy Smurf being a fucking idiot the entire fucking movie, tripping over everything, wooooo, so goddamn funny. He leads Hank Azaria, fucking Gargamel, to their little mushroom village, whatever the fuck it's called. He breaks through some invisible barrier and the wreak havoc so all the Smurfs run away. And Clumsy Smurf - Oh this is where it gets funny! - goes the wrong way! Because, I mean, in his defense, he didn't know because there was a couple of vines over the big red "Do Not... Go This Way" sign. So he trips over it and the other Smurfs are like, "You fucking idiot, you ran the other way!" Oh I'm sorry. "You smurfing idiot, you ran the wrong way!" Now we gotta chase this smurfing asshole all the way to smurfing New smurfing York smurfing City.

Brad: And they use the word "smurf" like that?

Jake: ALL THE TIME!

Jillian: You should've drank every time they said "smurf."

Jake: All the time!

Irving: We'd be dead! We would have alcohol poisoning within the first five fucking minutes!!

Brad: In place of the word "fuck" the say "smurf"?

Irving: In place of the word everything! Everything! Smurfalicious! Smurftastic!

Jake: This is smurfalicious. This is smurftastic. This is... there was one-

Irving: This is smurfing smurfing fucking, smurfing smurfing smurfing great, smurfing smurf!

Jake: Yeah. There was some other word that I can't- it was like a long word.

Irving: "I smurf you." "I smurf you."

Jake: Yeah, there was that. I can't even remember, I'm so mad. There was some word that was, like, "Incredulous", or something like that where they're like "InSmurfulous." They use the word "Smurf" so much, you don't honestly know what the fuck they're talking about!

Brad: Marklar!

Jake: Yeah exactly, Marklar.