Fox Kids

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by 2018 NC title sequence. Open on NC sleeping on the couch, snoring and all, surrounded by various pop culture memorabilia of all kinds. Lying on the floor, Tamara and Malcolm are wide awake, unable to sleep because of NC's snoring; from their perspective, it sounds like all kinds of loud noises: a jackhammer, an elephant trumpet, a Tarzan yell, a Howie Long yell, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex roar. Suddenly, outside, the moon explodes, turning into a sun, looking like the one from Teletubbies, and NC is wide awake and smiling; he puts on his glasses)

NC: MORNING! (brushes his hand in front of his friends' faces, to their annoyance) Wake up, wake up! Wake up, wake up! It's Saturday morning!

Tamara: (groggily) Critic, we didn't get much sleep.

NC: Too excited for your bowl of (takes two bowls of...) Lucky Frosted Cocoa Trix! (gives them to his friends) It's part of a complete breakfast!

Malcolm: (disgusted) From where, Dairy Queen's dumpster?

NC: Now, don't be like that. I poured you each a bowl of that last Saturday in preparation for this!

Tamara: You mean this has been out for a week?!

NC: It helps open up the flavors.

(Malcolm looks toward his bowl, looking rather sick; the cereal is a very moldy green)

Tamara: (giving NC her bowl) I had a big dinner.

Malcolm: (doing likewise) And I'm vegetarian. I'm pretty sure that used to be alive.

NC: (shrugs) Suit yourself. (eats the cereal himself)

Tamara: Okay, Critic, can you explain why we're up at dick o'clock in the morning?

NC: (laughs with his mouth full) I forgot at your humble age, you know of the ritual of Saturday morning.

(Shots of kids watching TV are shown)

NC (vo): You see, Saturday morning used to be a special time for kids, we often have friends sleepover the night before and then wake up to the majesty of television: (a collage of Saturday morning cartoon shows are shown) Saturday morning cartoons, each one filled with brain-rotting material coaxing us to buy teeth-rotting material. Unfortunately, TV did its job too well, and the following generation said...

(Cut to a shot of 24/7 kids' channels: HBO Family, Starz Kids & Family, Nicktoons, Boomerang, etc.)

NC (vo): ..."Let's just have this shit raise our kids 24/7." Thus, every second of every goddamn day was already Saturday morning cartoons, and they got rid of them years later. Society sucks!

Malcolm: Okay, we're not ten years old; we had Saturday morning cartoons, too.

Tamara: We're just wondering why we're here this Saturday morning?

NC: Oh, well, that's because we're paying homage of the best in Saturday morning awesomeness, "Fox Kids"!

(A montage of clips of various Fox Kids shows is shown)

NC (vo): In 1990, the then-still-young Fox Network aired its Saturday Morning lineup of shows called "Fox Kids". It included bumpers, PSAs, catchy songs, and, of course, some of the best kids shows to ever aired on TV. Eventually branching out to Monday through Friday as well, Fox Kids lasted twelve years, an unbelievable run when you consider its counterpart, (image of...) the Disney Afternoon, lasted only seven years. While half of these shows can still be viewed today, some of them have sadly never gotten the DVD release or were never to be aired again. So keep in mind, we're not going to look at every single show that aired on Fox Kids, because, like I said, this is twelve years of material. We're just going to look at the most unique, inspired, and... (hesitates slightly) memorable parts of the greatest Saturday morning line up there was.

NC: So, with our sugar-coated poison in hand...

Tamara: (pointing to her right) ...younger kids wanting to watch what the older kids are watching...

(Suddenly, Walter Banasiak and Heather Reusz from "Top 5" come in)

Heather: Hey, guys!

Walter: Can we watch the show, too?

Malcolm: ...and an overprotective parent who thinks if it's not Sesame Street, it's bad for them...

(Barney Walker walks in and speaks to Walter and Heather)

Barney: I'm sorry, kids, but you're too young to see this kind of stuff.

Heather: (disappointed) I'm older than half of them over there!

Barney: Shoo, shoo.

(NC, Malcolm and Tamara wave good-bye as Walter and Heather leave in disappointment)

Walter: I hate you! You're not even my real father!

Barney: (to NC and his friends) Kids, are you enjoying Saturday morning?

NC, Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison) Yes, Dad. (Malcolm and Tamara roll their eyes as they say this)

Barney: That's good, I'm going to make some waffles on the stove just for you.

(He leaves. NC, Tamara, and Malcolm look puzzled)

Malcolm: Do we have a stove?

(They jump by the sound of an explosion of the stove and hear Barney scream)

NC: We'll figure out how that happened later. This is Fox Kids!

(As he eats the cereal, the intro to Fox Kids plays; NC, Malcolm and Tamara dance and sing along)

NC, Malcolm and Tamara: IT'S ON FOX!

(An explosion occurs as we transition into the list of shows to come)

Bobby's World
(The opening titles for this are shown)

NC (vo): Let's start with one of their earliest staples, Bobby's World.

Malcolm: Oh, I've seen this. It's like if Calvin and Hobbes were made by Ned Flanders.

NC: Hey, it's a lot more than that.

Tamara: It sounds pretty accurate.

NC: Yeah, okay, it's pretty accurate.

NC (vo): Bobby's World was based on the little boy voice that comedian Howie Mandel did for his popular stand-up.

(Cut to a clip of Howie doing the exact voice)

Bobby: That's my name! (giggles)

NC (vo): And because the '90s were a strange time where crude comedians got kid-friendly shows, (posters of Waynehead, Life with Louie, Camp Candy, Little Rosey and Rick Moranis in Gravedale High are shown) he was given one of his own. Just look at how awkward he is in the live-action openings.

Howie: Hi, everyone, I'm Howie, welcome to Bobby's World! And you know what I really hate? Of course you don't because you don't know me. You know what I hate?

NC: (as Howie) GERMS! God, I hate germs!

NC (vo): While certainly aimed at a younger demographic than the other Fox Kids shows, Bobby's World showcased the imagination of a little boy misinterpreting what adults say. Either that or he swallowed all his mother's NyQuil, either way, neat. The characters included Howie as his father, with the Jew-fro, rat-tail haircut...

NC: ...Common?

NC (vo): The cast of Fargo as his mother, his older brother representing the '90s trying to kill the '80s, and his older sister representing the 80s refusing to die. Along with Uncle Ted, who gives an obligatory fart joke...

Bobby: How can you make bubbles without putting your face in the water?

Uncle Ted: Tell ya what, Bobbo, let's just keep that our little secret, okay?

NC: POO!

NC (vo): Bobby had children's fantasies often based on movies a kid his age wouldn't see yet. Looks like somebody read the kid-friendly version of Die Hard.

Tamara: So, was it any good?

NC: It was... hypnotizingly unoffensive.

NC (vo): It's for little kids, so it's simple, but imaginative. It even had the first Saturday morning character get pregnant, and we even see her progression throughout the season. Little touches like that stand it out just enough. And I guess kids thought the same thing, as it was one of Fox's longest-running shows. Add a catchy-as-hell theme song, and you got a decent start to the Fox Kids lineup.

Tom and Jerry Kids
Tamara: That's cool and all, but how about some more violent stuff?

NC: Well, you're in luck, 'cause this network also had Tom and Jerry...

Tamara: YES!

NC: Kids.

Tamara: I retract that "YES!".

Peter Pan and the Pirates
NC: It's a cannonball of imagination waiting for you.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Malcolm: That's all fine and good, but what about the poor people who demand a series about demonic fruit? (NC and Tamara stare at him) I had no segue into the show.

Singers: ♫ Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! ♫

(Attack of the Killer Tomatoes opening clips)

NC (vo): So, um, because we apparently demanded it, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was given its own cartoon series, Based on the B-Movie comedies, it did have some of the original characters like Igor, Terra, that Parachute guy, and even John Astin for reprising his role as a mad scientist who made the evil vegetables.

Malcolm: Fruit.

NC: It's 2018, nobody used that term anymore.

NC (vo): But for many kids, the most memorable part of the show was the theme song, but, goddamn, that's a catchy theme song.

Singers: ♫ ''Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes!'' ♫

Little Shop
NC: But I know what you're thinking, "If Beetlejuice got a cartoon, why not Little Shop of Horrors?"

Tamara: Because no one was thinking that.

NC: Just for that, the plant raps!

Tamara: NOOOOOOOO-

NC: (while Tamara is still yelling) YEEEEEEEE-

(Cue the cartoon opening and title card)

Singers: ♫ Little Shop, Little Shop. Take me to the-- ♫

The Tick
NC:  But for my money, the best superheroes always shouted-

Malcolm: Oh! Can I say it? I've always wanted to say it.

NC: ( Shrugs and decides to let him ) Go ahead.

Malcolm: ( clears his throat )  FORK!

NC: It was one word. It was one  goddamn word!  With five letters! YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAY FIVE LETTERS!!!  ( He starts hitting Malcom with his hat ).

Tamara: (Points at them) This is nice.

(The show's t itle shows and the theme song plays )

Goosebumps
NC: YOU ALL KNOW I’M RIGHT!!!

Godzilla: The Series
Walter: Hey, kids, remember this incredible writing?

(Clip of Godzilla (1998))

Nick Tatopoulos: That's a lot of fish.

Heather: They made a show out of it!

NC: OH, GOD!

(Everyone angrily shushes him as the title shows and the theme song plays)

Walter (vo): Godzilla: The Series was a direct continuation of the 1998 Godzilla movie. It featured some actors of the film lending their voices to reprise their role.

NC: Including Bart Simpson?

(Everyone shushes him again)

Heather (vo): Thankfully, Matthew Broderick wasn't one of them, but his character... What?

Walter: Tatopoulos.

(Walter and Heather try to pronounce his name)

Walter: It's Greek, ha-ha!

Heather (vo): ...did return. The only surviving offspring of the Godzilla that attacked New York in the movie imprinted onto Nick as its parent, and thus, they used him as a government sponsored Pokémon to fight other giant monsters.

NC: That's so stupid, I'm surprised it wasn't in the '98 film.

(Everyone turns to him about to shush him, but don't and think about what he said or agree with him)

Heather: So am I.

Walter (vo): The series was received pretty well by fans of Godzilla, but honestly, following the '98 film, there was nowhere to go but up. We did get some great kaiju fights in the show, though. So I guess I can look past Godzilla's Dick Tracy chin.

Power Rangers in Space (and Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy)
NC: I guess it's better than any of the Power Rangers shows-

Walter: And then there's Power Rangers in Space and Lost Galaxy! (NC groans)

Singer: ♫ Set controls to outer space, now-- ♫

(Power Rangers in Space opening clip plays)

Walter (vo): Power Rangers in Space wrapped up the series' initial run and was supposed to be the series finale. As we know, that didn't happen.

NC: Much to our regret.

(Tamara takes NC's hat and slaps the back of his head)

NC: (Pause) I don't like it back here.

Walter (vo): What on the surface seemed like Star Trek Lite actually became one of the most popular and well received seasons in the show's history. They went much further with character development than they did with most of the previous seasons. There were decently deep arcs for a kids show, that featured the red ranger's long lost sister being brainwashed as the Power Rangers' main enemy, and even more multidimensional villains. There's plenty more to talk about with this season, which finished the Zordon era and ended up saving the franchise. But some of you may just know it for their crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cowabunga... I guess.

Malcolm: Hey, we have a deal: no Next Mutation unless (points to NC) he's fully being tortured!

NC: (rubbing his head) It's okay, just the mention of the idea hurts me.

(Shows clips of Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy)

Walter (vo): The next season, Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy, kept the outer space theme, but began a new phase in the PR legacy. Starting here, every season introduced a new cast with new powers, Zords, etc., and that became the status quo for the series moving forward. Saban's big plan to get this phase going? Sword in the Stone in space! ... Woo? Actually, this season's pretty good, I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Young Hercules
Heather: But I know what you're thinking, "Those shows needed a lot more Ryan Gosling as young Hercules."

Tamara: It's actually amazing how much we weren't thinking that.

Heather: Well Fox Kids was!

Malcolm: (pause) I was thinking that.

(Everyone slowly turns their heads towards Malcolm and looks at him as if he's demented as the theme song and clips of the show play)

Heather (vo): Yup. There was a spin off of the Kevin Sorbo show starring a young Ryan Gosling. I always speculated this was just another Goosebumps episode he was in.

Walter (vo): It is scary enough.

Heather (vo): What else do you need to know about this show? Well, I think this clip says it all.

(Cut to clips of an interview between Ryan Gosling and interviewer Jake Hamilton for the movie Gangster Squad)

Jake Hamilton: What is a performance that you've given? Something that you're insanely proud of?

Ryan Gosling: My work on Young Hercules.

Jake Hamilton: Really?

Ryan Gosling: I had a fake tan. Leather pants. Was fighting imaginary monsters, they weren't really there, but I was acting like they were there.

Tamara: My god! I think we're all in a Goosebumps episode!

Beast Wars: Transformers (and Beast Machines: Transformers)
(Cut to clips of Beast Wars: Transformers)

Walter (vo): We also can't forget about Beast Wars. This was one of my favorite childhood shows. It traded in cool cars, trucks and jets for animals, like rats and ants!

(Walter smiles as everyone else stares at him awkwardly)

Walter: Believe me, it's way cooler than it sounds.

Walter (vo): This was my generation's Transformers show, and I absolutely loved it. Beast Wars, along with ReBoot, was among the first all-CG animated series. The early computerized look doesn't hold up all that well, but for the time, it was revolutionary and set the show apart from most other things on TV. The stories were great, the characters were great, it was just a really solid animated series. That being said, 'YOU STAY AWAY FROM THIS, MICHAEL BAY! YOU HEAR ME?! DON'T YOU DARE DEFILE RATTRAP, TIGATRON OR OPTIMUS PRIMAL'- For more on this series, you can check out my | top 5 best episodes, right here on the channel.

NC: If my face isn't on it, I don't watch it.

Walter: Like I haven't heard that before.

(Clips of Beast Machines: Transformers plays)

Walter (vo): Beast Machines: Transformers was the less popular sequel series to Beast Wars. It took place almost immediately after and was dark, sobering and kind of depressing at times. You know, for the kids. The change in tone and design wasn't something anyone was asking for, but it did end all the stories that started in Beast Wars and has gained a small, dedicated following over the years.

Digimon (and Monster Rancher)
Heather: And then there was Digimon!

NC: Yeah, okay. (He sits back down as Malcolm smiles with joy)

Angela Anaconda
Heather: And then there's Angela Anaconda.

(The opening theme song plays and the show looks like pictures of children from black and white newspapers pasted onto a child's Microsoft Paint project.)

Angela: (singing) My name is Angela, hey, hello, welcome to my very own show.

(Cut back to everyone looking horrified by how the animation looks)

Heather: Did any of us actually watch this show?

NC, Tamara, Malcolm and Walter: (in unison) NO!

Heather: I can see why! (She points the remote at the screen and turns the TV off)