Tromeo and Juliet

[Episode begins with the Cinema Snob wandering across the hallway talking on his cell phone.]

Cinema Snob: The hell do you mean my beard isn't thick enough? What? You want me to wear a prosthetic beard?

[Meanwhile, Oancitizen is walking across the same hallway reading "Make Your Own Damn Movie" by Lloyd Kaufman.]

Oan: "Chapter Four, Get Your Women Naked and other Valuable Casting Tips."

CS: Listen, I can't act if I feel like I have somebody's pubes glued to my face. [Notices Oan walking in front of him.]

Oan: "Chapter Five, Pre-Production: A Key to Your Future Therapy."

CS: Listen, I'm going to have to call you back. I'm going to have a moment with this guy. [hangs up] Hey!

[Oan puts his book down and sees Snob in front of him. He responds in shock. They stare at each other as the suspense music stirs up.]

CS: Aren't you that guy who ...

[Oan makes a clean getaway and runs back down the hall opposite of Snob's direction. In the next shot, Oan appears again this time from the hallway behind Snob. He looks behind to see Oan.]

Oan: These hallways curve back around.

CS: Don't try to run away from me. You and I have something we need to talk about.

Oan: [Trying to avoid Snob] Um, So I conferred.

CS: [He's got Oan pinned against the wall] And I just have to say, how DARE you! How DARE you! How dare you threaten the good people of Serbia for making such a courageous political satire as "A Serbian Film."

Oan: Well, I guess I got carried away there.

CS: And whats more, I demand an apology.

Oan: Um, sorry I tried to attack Serbia.

CS: No, not for that, for bashing Gerry.

Oan: Um ... What?

CS: I know that it's difficult film to read, but Gerry moved me to tears with its vision of two guys walking in a desert for ninety minutes. It is a piece of such depth and humor that deserves none of your petty, baseless slander.

Oan: While still fairly derivative of Tarkovsky, but still ...

CS: Also, you're a pussy for taking down that Sasha Grey video.

Oan: Look, as flattered as I am that you're familiar with my work and hate it - Frankly, I don't want to be seen with you.

CS: What?

Oan: Nothing personal.

CS: What the hell, am I not pretentious enough for you?

Oan: Well, no, that's the thing. You're plenty pretentious, and bearded and dark-haired, and suited and you're known for having a ... lovely voice.

CS: Look, if this is about what I think it's about ...

Oan: Frankly, it is. And the more distance between us, the better.

CS: Oh, come off it. We're nothing alike. Your suit is ... green.

Oan: [unimpressed] Dankeshen.

[In the middle of the conversation, Linkara walks by.]

Linkara: [monotone] Hey, you two, everyone likes crossovers and they all want you to do one together.

CS: Who the hell is "they"?

Oan: And how are we defining "everyone"?

Linkara: I don't know, everyone, they, do something together. Something pornographic AND pretentious. So, here. [Linkara gives a DVD to Oan] Do it. You crazy kids knock yourselves out.

[Oan and Snob look at the DVD and moan.]

Oan and CS: Oh, fuck!

'''This transcript is barely complete yet. Please finish.'''