All Creatures Great and Dumb

(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)

Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit...up...if...(he notices that the room seems a little bigger) Is it just me or did it get a little bigger in here? Anyway, we live in an amazing world. The complexity and diversity of life is beyond number. Earth is home to thousands of different species of mammals, reptiles, birds, insects. Why, at any given moment, your own body is home to billions of microscopic organisms just flooding every single artery, vein and organ. Now, let's take a sec for that realization to dawn on our obsessive compulsive audience members, and...ah, there it is. See, I can actually sense when I've snapped a soul across the internet. It tastes like candy. Back to the point. Humans share the earth with an incredible number of animals and for the most part, we've learned to live in balance with them. Unfortunately, anyone who's ever tied a firecracker to a cat's tail, uh, burned ants with a magnifying glass, or ordered lamb fries proves that we as a species are not exactly ready for prime time. And of course, animals will respond to our dickery in kind, responding in an abundance of comedy. Still not getting it? Well, this is the part where I elaborate. (the letters HD come up as Nash spreads his hands out) In High Definition! (the letters are still there) Could...could someone get this thing out of my face?

(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Animals")

(Stick Boy is shown)

Nash (vo): In the earliest days of human civilization, domestication of animals became an important part of everyday life. (a wolf appears next to Stick Boy) One of the earliest animals to be domesticated was the canine. (A word bubble appears over Stick Boy as he says "I am man. I have dominion over all things.Yea, and you shall obey me.") Though one can only imagine that the early attempts did not go well. (the wolf grows at Stick Boy, then a dust cloud appears over them as the wolf attacks) There were also herd animals, beasts of burden, even household pets. (Stick Boy tosses a doggy treat at the wolf, saying "FETCH!") Again, probably involving a lot of trial and error. (The wolf attacks again and Stick Boy lets out a Wilhelm scream) Since then, the animal kingdom has been intertwined with human existence. Studies of animals often teach us important things about ourselves or how the world works as a whole. We've learned that some animal venoms are natural anti-coagulants, that birds have an organ in their heads that allows them to find magnetic north, (a clip of a walrus...having fun, a censored bar over his junk) and that the walrus is truly the envy of every man alive. Wow. He's really going at it there, isn't he? So, since animals are so important to our lives, we've obviously learned how to live in balance with our brothers in the jun...(a picture of a heavily deforested area)...gle. Oh. Well, what about our fellow creatures in the (a polar bear is shown clinging onto a small patch of ice in the Arctic) Arc...tic, yeah, um, yeah. Okay, Surely we're at harmony with the animals (a picture of an oil spill is shown) of the sea--Oh, come on! (Stick Boy is shown laughing while watching a monkey smoking a cigarette on TV) Sadly, for every person with an ounce of sense and compassion, there are just as many who get all giggly when they see a monkey smoking. (the wolf appears again) We have no problems being turds to each other. Being turds to other species isn't a great leap. (And Stick Boy gets attacked again)

Nash: And speaking of being turds to other species, let's get to our first story where a pair of hunters embark on a quest for the most dangerous prey of all: squirrels! (and he facepalms)

(The report is titled "Lincoln men cited for chasing squirrels with blow darts, bow")

Nash (vo): From Lincoln, Nebraska, two men who apparently grew bored with reruns off Hee Haw were arrested for chasing squirrels down a city street with blow guns and bows and arrows! Obviously, they were following the Griswold family school of pest control.

(We cut to a clip of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)

Grandpa: Squirrel! (everyone starts freaking the hell out and running out of the room)

(Back to the report)

Nash (vo): The story goes on to note that not only were they shooting sharp, pointy things in the vicinity of nearby children, the whole rampage of jackass was started because one of the men claimed the squirrels were chewing through his brake lines.

Nash: Yes, because we all know; Squirrels are masters of assassination. What the fuck is wrong with you? Even if it had screwed up your brakes, how exactly is this gonna fix a damn thing? Something tells me that a guy who tries to solve the problem of fuzzy tailed rats with archery isn't exactly Green Fucking Arrow. On top of that, if it never once occured that firing projectiles in the vicinity of children could've turned out badly, your brakes are the least of your problems. If you're concerned about stopping something, next time, start with your own stupidity! But not everyone considers animals the enemy. Our next story is about a man with his heart firmly in the right place. His sanity on the other hand was last seen in a Ford Pinto with a broken GPS.

(The report is titled "Animal-rights activist pleads guilty to violating court order")

Nash (vo): From Missouri, animal rights activist Jason Miller officially lost the plot when, in an effort to stop the killing of deer in local parks, he sent the county director a sternly worded letter. And the severed head of, you guessed it, a deer. Finally, the mystery of Bambi's mother is solved.

(A clip of Bambi is shown with him looking for his mother)

Bambi: Mama, where are you?

Nash (vo): It's okay! She's a martyr to the cause!

Nash: (facepalming) Oy. How do I best explain this one? Ah. Here's you. (one side is Cletus from the Simpsons) And here's the point. (the other has a dart board. Nash smacks Cletus off to the side. Glass is heard breaking) Any questions? You're advocating to stop the hunting of deer, so you behead a fucking deer? It's like advocating for celibacy by becoming a hooker. Of all the possible ways you could've made your case, I'd rank sending someone a severed deer head just slightly beloooow sticking a live piranha in your ear, or shitting yourself in public. Please, stop helping. Scared that if you tried to escort a little old lady across the street, you'd eat her! In any case, it's good to remember that when you antagonize wild creatures, you won't always prevail. Now, before we discuss the next story, I'd like to advise all the men in our audience watching right now to brace themselves. And don't be afraid to cry if you need to.

(The report is titled "Katipo bites skinny-dipping tourist")

Nash (vo): We're given a rather innocuous headline for this New Zealand story. "Katipo bites skinny-dipping tourist." What's a katipo you ask? Why, it's a highly venomous spider. (A picture of a katipo is shown) Where was the guy bitten? (a picture of a sausage is shown) Yes.

Nash: (sharp inhale) Ah, damn! See, I told you, I even knew it was coming, and it still hurt. So, you may be wondering how this turn of events came about. The man claimed he was out swimming in the nude, came back to the beach to sleep, and woke up with the, um, swollen sausage. Now, the katipo makes its habitat in sand dunes and only attacks in self defense. So how could this have possibly happened? I have a theory.

(Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" plays as we zoom in on a hole in the desert. Eventually a spider from Arachnophobia jumps at the camera)

Nash: Hey, if somebody stuck their junk through my front door, you'd be pretty damn sure I'd be freaked out about it, too! He's just lucky the little bastard was using venom and wasn't packing a shotgun! In any event, next time you go out swimming naked in the wilderness, remember, there's always something lurking nearby that will gleefully make you a eunuch. Next up, we have a story about what happens when you go out for a nice, leisurely drive. With a shark.

(The report is titled "Details emerge about shark seen in pickup truck")

Nash (vo): Sure as night follows day, there's always a Florida story. From St. Petersburg, a pickup truck was spotted on the highway with a 9' bull shark in the back. No word yet about how many traffic accidents followed in his wake.

Nash: But who could this mystery driver have been? Who would dare cruise with a marine predator in tow? (A picture of Batman fighting a giant shark with a lightsaber is shown) Good guess, but no. It was a guy named Josh Lipert who caught the shark, then just decided to plop it in the bedliner. Because surely, driving down the highway with a goddamn shark in your pickup truck couldn't possibly be a bad idea! I can see it now.? (as a kid) Daddy, can sharks come out of the water to eat me? (as dad, mock driving a car) Oh goodness, son, no. They only--SHAARKK! (brakes screeching are heard before cutting back to regular Nash) Look, I know you're really excited to catch Jaws there. I do. But don't just motor around with it glaring at everybody. You are singlehandedly ensuring that child psychologists will be able to put their own kids through college. If you caught it, then you need to put a tarp on it. Yeah, that joke's never gonna get dated. So, wow. We've almost got through an entire show about animals and we haven't had one single story about besti...

(Just as he gets the word out, a report titled "British man in court over 'pornographic' sex squid snap")

Nash (vo) ...ality.

(He pulls a pillow over his face and screams into it. Back to the report)

Nash (vo): What? What!? What the fuck!? Apparently, Andrew Dymond of Wales was arrested for having pictures of a man having sex with a dead squid! However, prosecutors had to amend the charges after admitting to the fact that the squid could in fact be an octopus. (sarcastic) Oh, that makes it all better, then.

Nash: What the fuck is wro...? (he's just about at a loss for words at this stupidity) It's a fuckign squid! You don't stick your dick in a squid! Who the hell looks at a dead squid and thinks to themselves, "Oh my god, I must fuck that?" And if this could have possibly been some strange attempt at hentai, you're doing it wrong! Now if you're out there saying, "So he fucked a dead squid. What's the worst that could happen?" Yeah, let's think that one through a second.

(A picture of Cthulhu rising out of the sea is shown)

Nash: Exactly! And when that fetid corpse of a squid gives birth to the End of All That Is Or Ever Will Be, just remember it's all because of one guy couldn't resist the allure of fucking a dead cephalopod! Jesus, you can get the same experience by spending a night with Kim Cattrall! (a picture of her is shown, followed by screams) People have such a fucked up perspective on animals.? I bet animals don't nearly have the same take on us. Actually, why don't we find out?

(The Indiana Jones theme begins to play as he gets out of his chair. A clip of a plane taking off is shown as we go to our first stop, Sydney, Australia. Nash is at an aquarium talking to someone)

Nash: Okay, what I'm trying to do here is get an idea about how different animals view humanity. I was wondering if you have any insights or observations you'd like to share.

(He was talking to a platypus who's swimming in water)

Platypus: Well, humans. You got it all going for you, haven't you? Don't have to put up with an externalized reproductive system.

Nash: Well, no, not exactly.

Platypus: What about a ducked bill and webbed feet? And this ridiculous fucking tail! What am I gonna do, build a dam?

Nash: Honestly, I don't know all that much about--

Platypus: Well, your anatomy actually makes sense. You don't have venomous spurs. What am I supposed to do with these things? Do I look like a goddamn cobra to you?

Nash: No...?

Platypus: Oh, god! What am I? What the fuck am I!?

Nash: Um, I'm just gonna go.

Platypus: What am I?

(Next destination is Kingston Falls, New Jersey. Nash is in a bar)

Nash: So what's been your take on humanity? (He's talking to Gremlins who are pretty much having a raucous time) You think we're funny? (More gremlin shenanigans) What, I'm not kidding. (Smoke is coming from below Nash and he catches the smell of something burning) What's that smell? (he looks down) Ah, I see you've caught my shoes on fire. (And he screams in pain while the gremlins laugh)

(Next stop is Billings, Montana. Nash is on a ranch)

Nash: Alright, so what's your take on humans? (He's talking to a horse, who just chews on hay) Any insights? Maybe observations? (The horse just remains silent) Great. One animal that won't talk is a horse. ("Ironic" plays) Oh, shut up!

(Suddenly the platypus jumps at him)

Platypus: What am I!?

Nash: Aah! (he ducks out of the way of it and crashing is heard. Next stop is Tokyo, Japan)

Nash: So, what do you think of mankind? (Turns out he's talking to Godzilla who speaks through roars) Really? I don't think every human wants to destroy all monsters. (Godzilla roars again) Well, yes, they did have that one movie titled that. But come on, it wasn't entirely unprovoked. (Godzilla roars again) Well you did destroy Tokyo. Repeatedly. (Another roar) Wait, no, no, I didn't mean it like that. Come on, I'm sure there was plenty of blame to go around. (Godzilla's had enough, runs at him and jumps. Nash knows he's doomed) Oh, fuck!

(Godzilla proceeds to stomp a mudhole in him and walk him dry. Next time we see Nash, he's in his room with a wrap on his head covering his right eye, a bandage on his left cheek, and his right arm in a sling. He's also quite dain bramaged)

Nash: That's week for this all. This am Nash saying...oooowww! (he falls off his chair and onto the floor)

(We come to the credits as Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla" plays)

Final quip: Please spay or neuter your dead squid today.

(One last clip of the platypus)

Platypus: What am I? What am I!?