Mary Poppins Returns

(The Channel Awesome logo and 2019 NC title sequence play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about one of my favorite movies of all time, Mary Poppins. No, let's not, because...why?

(Footage of Mary Poppins is shown)

NC (vo): There's nothing I can say about how awesome this movie is that millions of people haven't said already. It's a masterpiece of beautifully matched contradictions. It's colorful and obvious, yet dark and mysterious. It's energized and happy, yet slow-moving and patient. It has one of the worst fake accents of all time coming out of one of the most likeable characters of all time. It has some of the best songs ever written, sung by some of the best performances ever given, so much money, effects, care and effort from two polar opposite creative geniuses for an innocent little kids' story. Fred Rogers used to say it seems better to be deep and simple than shallow and complex. This movie seems like the definition of deep and simple, a one-of-a-kind mashing that can never be duplicated.

NC: But because we like to award Disney slumming it, (Posters of the various recent live-action Disney remakes are shown) let's try anyway!

(The title for Mary Poppins Returns is shown, before also showing its clips)

NC (vo): Mary Poppins Returns is the latest of a long line of unnecessary Disney sequels/reboots. You might be wondering, "Well, which one is it? Sequel or reboot?" Fear not, it sucks at both. Made 54 years after the original premiered, this was an attempt to recapture the magic and fresh ideas of the timeless classic. I guess it's not a complete loss of an idea. After all, there were more Mary Poppins books. There was even a hit Disney Broadway musical that had the author, P.L. Travers, overseeing the production.

NC: (chuckles) Don't worry, though. It doesn't try any of those smart ideas.

NC (vo): It instead tries to continue the story with a brand-new tale that somehow does the exact same thing the original did, except bad, and stupid, and bad.

NC: Well, I'm not accepting any Mary Poppins that isn't practically perfect in every way! That's why I'm calling in some very special help. (Whimsical music starts to play, as NC becomes entranced) Subtly beautiful music? That could only mean...!

(He runs over to a window to look outside. In the sky, Mary Poppins (Tamara) is floating downwards on her umbrella. The sight of Mary Poppins makes NC extremely happy)

NC: it's Mary Poppins! The original Mary Poppins!

(Giggling, he runs over to the front door as Mary Poppins comes in. NC remains in a giddy mood whenever Poppins is present)

Mary Poppins (Original): Hello, Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Hello, Mary Poppins!

Poppins (Original): Fix your posture. We're not sloths.

(NC stands up straight) 

NC: Sorry, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): There's a good boy. (Strokes NC's cheek and lightly slaps it, causing NC to squeal in delight) Right, I hear someone's smearing my good name.

NC: Yes, right in there.

Poppins (Original): All right, let's go. Spit-spot!

(She walks away)

NC: Oh, she said "spit-spot"!

(Poppins and NC walk into the review room, where Poppins puts down her suitcase and notices the film starting, showing the Disney logo in a gray London setting)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Oh, they think they're being unique by changing the logo again.

Poppins (Original): You know, if you do that too many times, it's just not unique anymore, is it?

NC: No, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): Let's change that right up.

(She brings out an old typewriter from her suitcase and sets it down on the table. NC turns to the camera, still amazed)

NC: Wow!

Poppins (Original): (typing on the typewriter) First, we'll put the logo back to the way it originally was. You don't have to rely on cheap gimmicks when you're actually good.

NC: Or practically perfect in every way!

Poppins (Original): Quiet, now.

NC: Yeah, cool.

Poppins (Original): Now, what's this?

(The film's first scene is briefly shown, showing a lamplighter named Jack lighting several lampposts in London, and then showing the opening credits)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Lin-Manuel sings a song about lighting lamps, and then it cuts to paintings behind the opening credits.

Poppins (Original): Well, that's peculiar. Shouldn't that be the other way around so that it flows better?

NC: Why...I suppose it would! (Poppins resumes typing) Oh, Mary Poppins, you really do fix everything!

(Suddenly, comical-sounding violin music is heard, confusing NC and Poppins) 

Poppins (Original): Good gracious, what is that?

NC: It sounds like an annoyingly dumbed-down score that's confused for whimsical. (Gasps in horror) That could only mean...! (Runs out of the room and towards the front door, where Poppins is somehow already standing there) How did you get here?

Poppins (Original): I've always been here. Now, where is that dreadful music coming from?

(The front door opens to reveal a sinister version of Mary Poppins (Aiyanna), wearing the clothes of Emily Blunt's Poppins)

Poppins (Sinister): Hello, Mary.

Poppins (Original): Well, if it isn't Poppins 2.0..

Poppins 2.0.: I understand you want to change our Disney formula.

NC: Hey, hey, you stay out of this, Reboot...quel! We're trying to fix what you botched up!

Poppins 2.0.: A lot of things have changed since you last showed up, Mary. Disney is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Poppins (Original): Powerful enough to steal from Star Wars?

Poppins 2.0.: We own Star Wars.

Poppins (Original): (legitimately impressed) Oh, very impressive.

NC: Hey, we don't care how much you own. You can't recapture the magic of dancing chimney sweeps...

Poppins (Original): Tea parties on ceilings...

NC: ...and snapping to get a job well done!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, well, now in Disney, when you snap your fingers, something very different happens.

(She prepares to snap her fingers)

NC: No, don't do it! (Poppins 2.0. snaps her fingers, causing the original Poppins to turn into dust and be wiped out of existence, much to NC's horror) MARY!! NOOOOOOO!! (Falls to the ground in despair)

Poppins 2.0.: Well, she was practically boring in every way.

NC: (looks up in anger) She was a timeless TREASURE!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, please. She was from the 60s. Children have no interest in seeing anything from an age with no cell phones. She needs an update, and I...am...that...update.

NC: You have no idea what children want!

Poppins 2.0.: We're Disney. We tell them what we want.

(Having revealed herself to have apparently seized control of Disney in NC's world, she looks at NC's DVD shelf, which has several classic Disney movies on it. NC looks on in horror as the classic movies are wiped out of existence as well)

NC: No! Lion King! Dumbo! Aladdin! Sleeping Beauty!

Poppins 2.0.: All replaced, my dear boy. (The DVD covers of all those vanished films' live-action remakes, even the upcoming Lion King remake, are now shown on NC's shelf) Mmm, it feels so scrumptious.

NC: You can't just erase these timeless classics like they never existed!

Poppins 2.0.: I already have. Now get on with the review. And don't try to alter the Disney formula, because if you do, I have a lovely ashtray with your name on it. Spit-spot.

(As sad piano music plays, a completely sad NC gives into Poppins 2.0.'s demands and slowly walks back into his room to start the review)

NC: This...is the new and improved... (Speaks in a high-pitched voice as he starts to cry) ...Mary Poppins.