How to Be a Pirate: Parrots

Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer.

Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” [fade out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo] coming from Dead Skull’s Pub!

''We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig (and - fake- parrot on his left shoulder) and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera.''

Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard.

And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. [raises his glass and looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, lads? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me.

Today, [leans out of shot to see his beer on the counter] we’re gonna be looking at… [leans back in and points to the parrot] PARROTS. [The caption bottom-screen says: PARIS] No, no; PARROTS. [the correct caption appears] There ya go.

A pirate without a parrot is like Sarah Palin not wanting media attention: inconceivable.

Every pirate has had a parrot at some point, and every parrot has had a pirate at some point.

Except for Sinister Jack McGee, who had himself a singing naked Indian. [pauses] That was weird.

But, needless to say, [points to the parrot] a parrot is an important part ta any pirate accessories. [looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, McAdams?

McAdams: You smell like the Devil‘s ballsack!

BDB: Aargh, ya mother rapes donkeys!

[looks back at us] One hell of a boring speaker, too.

Man‘s so dull, he’s put more people to sleep than the Catholic Church.

But anyway, the most important thing about [points to it] ya parrot is ta keep him on your shoulder.

[points to it again] This little fella kept flying away all the time. I guess he doesn’t like the smell of bacon and ass. [Bill raises his left shoulder, as if the parrot is trying to fly away; so he holds it back down by grabbing its head] There!

So if, for some reason, ya have a hard time keeping your parrot there, there’s [holds up two fingers] two options:

You can either train the parrot and get to know his psyche until ya two are [holds up crossed fingers] the best of friends…

Or you can use [holds up a roll of…] duct tape.

I use duct tape.

[no tape as he points to the parrot] He won’t be going anywhere. [looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Angela?

Angela: Is that a man-eating cock on your face or just your face?

BDB: Die, ya carnivorous hag!

[looks back at us] The woman’s as sharp as ice cream.

Incidentally, [points to it again] this little fella’s name is One Beak Bob.

[strokes its feathers] I got him cheap at Parrots ‘n Other Things.

The “Other Things” were whores.

He didn’t cost me much, either; and he can say so many various things!

Come on, Bob! Show ‘em what I taught ya!

Bob: Rawk! Shiver me timbers!

BDB: Ha-ha-ha! Isn’t that cute?

Hey, Bob, ya want a cracker?

Bob: Rawk! Bob want a cracker!

BDB: Ha-'''HA! '''Ain’t he wonderful?

Hey. Bob, ya think we should blow the man down?

Bob: Rawk! Blow the man down!

BDB: [laughs heartily] Ya see, he says so many wonderful things! [looks at him]

Bob: Rawk! Death to the blacks!

BDB: [is speechless; looks back-and-forth at Bob and at us, then stammers] I-I-I-I don’t know why he says that.

It’s only once in a while; and, to be honest, I think that’s why I got him at a discount.

Bob: Death to the blacks!

BDB: Shut up, Bob!

He can’t help it. It’s how he was raised! [looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Jonathan?

Jonathan: You are the anus of life.

BDB: You’re the anus of life!

[looks back at us] Short bastard couldn’t get in a fight if he tried.

Man’s so small, he could use a Cheeto as a battering ram.

But seriously, if ya just overlook that one incredibly racist comment, you’ll find that he’s a very, very nice parrot.

Bob: Rawk! [as Bill looks at him] The skinheads were right!

BDB: [speechless again] Okay, that one’s new.

Seriously, I’m telling you for real; there’s no cause for alarm. He’s actually a very, very kind animal.

Bob: Obliterate the Jews.

BDB: Now, whaddaya say, Bob, we tell them about what we did last night?

Remember that fine lass that we saw over there by the bar?

Bob: Rawk! Say, honey, would ya like a Jolly Roger?

BDB: [laughs] He does remember! [laughs some more]

He’s always repeating things that he hears other people say.

Bob: Rawk! That’s $30 a minute, bub.

BDB: [speechless again] Ok, ok, that’s enough, Bob.

Bob: Rawk! If you want a spanking, that costs extra.

BDB: [getting frustrated] Be quiet, Bob.

Bob: Rawk! If you make people watch, they have to pay, too.

BDB: Bob!

Bob: Rawk! Oh my God, that’s the tiniest thing I’ve ever seen!

BDB: Ok, you’re on thin ice, Bob.

Bob: Do you seriously please women with that thing?

BDB: [looking at us] I swear that never happened.

Bob: Rawk! Let me guess: ya can’t get it up.

BDB: [grabs the parrot by the head and tears it off his shoulder] I think it’s time we said goodbye [reaches out and grabs an old pistol] to One Beak Bob!

Bob: [Bill points the pistol at Bob] Once you stop crying, we’ll try again! [the pistol fires, and Bob is dead; Bill looks off screen-left]

BDB: Hey, cook! [tosses Bob’s body off] Here’s some real meat for ya meatloaf!

Ach! Ya just can’t get good parrots anymore. [looks overhead-right] Isn’t that right, Mrs. Shue?

Mrs. Shue: Quiet! I‘m calling your mother at the zoo!

BDB: GO TA HELL AND STAY THERE!

[looks back at us] That old hag is one to talk!

Her boobs hang so low, you could play tetherball with them.

Aargh, they act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Bloodbeard Joe.

Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?!'' [when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and froth, addressing the crowd]''

BDB: Shall I tell ya about the greatest pirate who ever lived, Bloodbeard Joe? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time]

They say Bloodbeard Joe needs no gun to kill. After he‘s done shaving, he just uses the strands of his beard as throwing daggers. [the patrons are pleased]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe created Optimus Prime by making love to a pick-up truck. [they shout]

Patron: Why would he make love to a pick-up truck?

BDB: [pauses to think] Why wouldn’t he make love to a pick-up truck? [they shout again as Bill laughs; he then breathes in and does one last:] Ha!

They say Bloodbeard Joe created the Red Seas by passing a kidney stone. [Hooray!]

Bloodbeard Joe could give himself a vasectomy and still be more of a man than any of you. [Hooray!] Ha-ha!

Everyone thinks that the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg. [pauses] But, in reality, it was Bloodbeard Joe just ta see James Cameron get an Oscar! [they shout]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe is so strong that, when he stomps his foot, the earth splits in half. [Woooow.]

They say that, if there was ever a fight between Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Campbell… Bloodbeard Joe would still win somehow! [Hooray!] Ha-ha!

Bloodbeard Joe’s teeth are so mighty that he could make a fortune just chewing gold and spitting out pieces of eight. [they laugh]

They say that Bloodbeard Joe once pointed his gun at the moon and fired. [pauses] And that‘s why the moon has craters! [they shout; he laughs]

So I’d like everyone to raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”]

Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us] See ya soon. [takes another drink as the announcer speaks:]

Announcer: This was [we dissolve to the title card] “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh.

''The title fades, and the first credit screen airs. The music fades but restarts as Bill appears again:''

BDB: Aargh! Have you heard stories about Bloodbeard Joe? I bet ya have.

Just send it [BloodBeard@ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com appears on the bottom of the screen] to this address right here, and it just might make it into the next episode.

But send them quick because… I want them quick! [shrugs and takes another drink]

Second credit screen and CA stinger.

THE END