The Shining Mini-Series

(The opening of Nostalgia-Ween begins with a stop-motion segment of Jack Skellington dressed as the Nostalgia Critic as he runs through a forest and comes across the holiday trees of Christmas and Halloween. A third door stands between them with the Nostalgia Critic's face on it. Jack looks at the door with intrigue and opens it. Suddenly, someone holds a gun out and shoots him. The shooter reveals himself as Pennywise from It.)

Pennywise: Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha!

(Jack lies dead as the Nostalgia-Ween logo appears)

(We then cut to a box being placed on a counter.)

NC: (wearing a red flannel shirt) Ah, I tell ya. Nothing like moving into a new place, doing some heavy lifting, stretching the muscles. Isn't it great, guys?

(Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz are nearby placing bigger boxes on the couch.)

Malcolm and Rachel: (unenthusiastically) Whee.

NC: (looking at himself in the mirror fixing his teeth) I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I mean why keep filming all my stuff at home when I have a perfectly good location just waiting to be used.

Malcolm: Were we always filming at your house?

Rachel: Yeah, to be honest, it was actually really inconsistent where we were.

NC: What's important is that we have this fantastic location built on top of a harmless Indian burial ground that rests below the hulking remains of a burnt down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans...and vampire puppies. So why don't you guys get busy putting together those very heavy props while I figure out where to put this delightful Halloween ornament. (said ornament is a puppy dressed as a pumpkin) Oh, and if you guys could place them in the order of my favorite props to my least favorite props, that'd be great.

(Malcolm and Rachel leave Critic behind as evidenced by the door closing)

NC: Fine! Your loss! You don't get to take notes with me as I watch the highlight of any Nostalgia-Ween: the Stephen King mini-series!

(The Hallelujah chorus plays as we see an image with Stephen King's head photoshopped on an eagle next to the words "The Stephen King Mini-Series!" in front of fireworks and the American flag)

NC (vo): Yep. Nothing like celebrating the holidays by attacking a man who's done absolutely nothing to me and is making his living by entertaining others. Oh, we'll show him, won't we, Pennywise?

Pennywise: (from Stephen King's "IT") Ooh, yes.

NC (vo): We all know he's had some classic stories, but he's also had some classic blunders. And nowhere are they more spotlighted than in the overly long and overly goofy mini-series. Only this time, the idea is not to get one of his ideas to the screen, it's rectifying a version that he's hated for years.

NC: That, of course, being The Shining.

(title card for The Shining mini-series shows up)

NC (vo): Most are aware of the Stanley Kubrick adaptation, or as the Brits like to say, "Q-Brick". And for the most part, audiences seem to enjoy it. That is, of course, except for King. Yep, the guy who loved 2012 and Death Race couldn't stand the theatrical release of The Shining. So what to do? Release his own version on TV in 1997 with a teleplay written entirely by him.

NC: It's sure to have some Kingly awkwardness and I'm here to take notes on it for my next review. So, what are we waiting for? Let's dive into the Wish You Overlooked Hotel with The Shining.

NC (vo): So our story takes place not in Maine? What the hell is going on here?! As we open with Jack, played now by Steven Weber, being instructed how to handle the boiler room when he becomes the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. Oh, and I don't mean briefed. I mean instructed with every single detail.

Pete Watson: This is your pressure gauge. It's got a safety valve. And this is your stop valve. So here's what you gotta do. This son of a buck has been rusted shut. No safety valve. Keep rated for 160. Every night, last thing.

NC (vo): You know, oddly enough, King, the inner workings of a water boiler described by Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) in the hopes that your obvious setup for the climax will seem less silly isn't as riveting as you think.

Pete: Well, yeah.

NC (vo): But at least he has some history to welcomely scare the shit out of the new housekeeper.

Pete: We had this lady here last summer. Slit her wrists. Then there was this last caretaker, Grady.

Jack: What about him?

Pete: Shotgun. Both barrels. (sticks two fingers in his mouth as if the barrels of a shotgun.)

NC: Jeesh. I hope you don't say this on all the hotel tours.

(We cut to a picture of the large kitchen)

NC (vo, imitating Pete): And over there is the kitchen where Old Mary McCrede cooked her husband. (Audience screams) Pipe down. He was delicious.

NC (vo): Jack then talks to the owner of the hotel played by the shaking head of Elliot Gould.

Stuart Ullman: The board has decided to put an alcoholic less than a year away from his last drink in charge of one of the greatest resort hotels in America. May I be frank?

Jack: Oh, why stop now?

Stuart: It makes me sick!

NC (vo, imitating Stuart): Here are the keys! Enjoy your stay!

Jack: I'll not only be taking care of the Overlook, but I'll be taking care of myself and my family.

NC (vo): While Jack assures our mystery theater actor that he's no longer on the sauce, we see his boy and wife waiting eagerly at home, played by Courtland Mead and Rebecca De Mornay.

Wendy: Did your dad get the job?

Danny: Uh-huh. He and the man he talked to didn't like each other, but he got it.

Wendy: Are you sure?

Danny: Uh-huh.

Wendy: Yay!

NC (vo): That's right. In this version, the parents are totally aware that the kid is psychic, and the reaction is, "Eh." I guess when you get down to it, it is kind of a legit reaction. I mean what's he have to look forward to? (cut to an image of a neon sign saying "Psychic Reader Open") An apartment with a neon sign on top of the Walgreens?

Danny: (playing with a toy airplane) Pilot to tower, pilot to tower, got to make an emergency landing. (Wendy looks outside at him through the window)

NC (vo): This makes Jack's wife, Wendy, think back--quite randomly the more I think about it--to that terrible night when her husband had been drinking too much. Or at least badly imitating a guy who's been drinking too much.

Jack: Look at this mess! Oh, here's the phone and this what I come back to? Answer me you damn pho--I'll fix you!

NC (imitating Jack): Slurred cliches and monotone anger! The only thing to make this more obvious is an empty bottle of... (Wendy holds up a bottle of alcohol) there we go!

Wendy: I don't believe you. What did you do to Danny?!? (cut to Danny lying in bed with bandages on him) I'm never going to another emergency ward, Jack. Thought you could stop on your own.

Jack: I was wrong.

Wendy: If anything ever happens again, I am packing my bags and I'm leaving.

Jack: You're right. It's gotta end. One way or the other.

NC (vo): (in monotone imitaing Jack) As you can see, I'm really torn up about it. (normal) But his son, Danny, is having his own issues outside, as his imaginary friend Tony tries to communicate with him.

Tony: Danny! Danny! (cut to Tony who is just hovering in place) Hi, Doc.

NC (vo): Pfft, really? So Tony all this time was an awkwardly hovering version of the Encyclopedia Britannica kid? I don't think anyone could have predicted that from the Kubrick version.

NC: I always thought it was a demonic rendition of the Frosted Flakes mascot. (we see such an image of Tony the Tiger with demon horns, sharp teeth, and other things to make him look demonic)

Danny: What do you want?

NC (vo): But Tony shows him some scary images of what's to come, like a killer hose!

(Said hose is done in bad CGI with fangs lunging towards the camera)

NC (vo): Wait, what? (shows killer hose again and sighs) You know, King, you have a talent for taking things that are very obviously not scary and...keeping them very obviously not scary. I mean, what are you going to do? Try to make croquet scary, too? (Danny sees a croquet mallet with blood on it in Jack's car) Oh, for God's sake, just because you put blood or teeth on something doesn't mean we're automatically gonna be frightened by it!

NC: I mean, can you think of an instance where you just took something random you put teeth or blood on it and that instantly works--(shows poster for Teeth)--D'AAHH, that was different!

NC (vo): It turns out the (sarcastic voice) horrifying croquet mallet was just another one of Danny's visions. Though Jack does seem to be struggling as he finds himself calling his AA sponsor, who loves reminding him of stuff that he apparently already knows.

Al Shockley: Well, you know what they say at the AA meetings, don't ya?(skip)You know what they say at the meetings, Jack.

NC: Well, if he knows, why are you telling him?

NC (vo): But it's still tempting for him as he finds himself as he finds himself drawn to local pubs like the Tavern Tavern.

(Jack looks into the window of the tavern as one of the patrons just turns in his stool and raises a toast to Jack)

NC (vo): (as the tavern patron) Here's to hoping randomly toasting people outside my window doesn't lead to ironic consequences. I'm benign. (normal, as we see the Torrances driving to the hotel) So they make their way to the hotel as they play their favorite driving game: What the Hell Did My Son Just Say?

(and just like NC said, Danny's hard to understand in these clips so correct me if I got them wrong)

Danny: Elmer works in a day care.(skip)It was a Donner dinner.(skip)Am I the only one you ever met?(skip)Overlook's just a summertime hotel.

NC (vo): Of course it doesn't help that his teeth look like someone Photoshopped Napoleon Dynamite's mouth onto it. (audience boos)

NC: Well, he does! Funny-looking children have just as much a right to be made fun of as any other person--(cut to a picture of Doug Walker as a kid posing with a Disneyland mascot) Hey, where'd you get that?!?

NC (vo): They approach the hotel and everything for the most part seems pretty welcoming.

(as we see some of the topiary animals, we hear the theme from Edward Scissorhands playing)

NC (vo): Here they come across Dick Hallorann.

Wendy: Nice to know you, Mr. Hallorann.

Dick: Dick, please. (telepathically communicates with Danny) Well, Doc, you gonna give me a hand or you just gonna stand there?

NC (vo): So Dick, of course, explains that Danny and him share the same psychic power that he refers to as the Shining. And that if he ever needs help, just to use his power to contact him.

Dick: There may be a half a dozen times I've seen things.

Danny: What were they, Dick?

NC (vo): Now, I, of course, am too sophisticated to make any jokes about a tiny little boy talking to a big black Dick, but for the record, I'd like to show you how many opportunities I had to make a joke.

Dick: Gimme a blast. (skip) You gonna come down to St. Pete with me. (skip) Nobody's gonna tell your daddy anything. (skip) Just look the other way and count to ten. (skip) I bet you just about glow in the damn dark. (skip) Just promise me you won't go in. (skip) This is between you and me.

Danny: What do you want me to think?

Dick: Anything as long as it's hard.

NC: I should get a medal for how many I'm avoiding.

(A door is shown closing on its own)

NC (vo): Oh by the way, be scared, a door closed. (An audience fake scares) But that's not the important part. The real juicy stuff is that we have a hotel to tour.

Pete: Well there's a pantry back there, there's a vegetable bin here.

NC (vo): And tour.

Pete: Dining room seats 200, used to seat almost twice that many.

NC (vo): And tour.

Dick: The elevator's the easiest way to the service area.

NC (vo): And tour.

Pete: That would be in one of the smaller freezers. You get to that through the pantry.

NC (vo): And tour.

Dick: The master bedroom, madame.

NC (vo): Oh my god, are you gonna show us every goddamn room!? How about some scary stuff?! I mean aside from by the way, the door closed. (fake scares) I mean we're over an hour in and the scariest thing we've come across is a hose and the Encyclopedia Brittanica guy! Tell me you're trying harder than this!

Pete: Gotta get movin'!

NC (vo): Oh thank god.

Dick: So you wanna see more of this place--

NC (vo): NOOOOOO! Jesus Christ, the boom mic in the reflection (arrow pointing to boom mic is shown) is more exciting to watch than this! I mean at least try to make excuses how it's a ghost mic or something. Hey, it's about as scary as a hose or the Encyclopedia Brittanica kid! Can't you give us something? (One of the benches on the porch starts to rock on its own) BETTER THAN THAT! But finally, the guy gets going and they start looking after the place. (Jack is pulling the rof apart and discovers a wasp nest that starts stinging him) And he's off to a bang-off start as he accidentally comes upon a wasp nest and gets stung.

Danny: (holding the wasp nest) Can I keep it in my room, mom?

Wendy: Do you think that's...?

Jack: It's fine, it's fine. They're all dead, guaranteed.

NC (vo): Hey, come on, I thought the only wasps we need were the three right in front of us. Oh well, they're looking over a big, creepy, scary hotel. You know this'll lead to a lot of other scary possibilities. Like...bringing groceries into the hotel, putting them away, reading a childrens book, putting that away, discussing the childrens book immediately after they read it--really?

Wendy: You're doing so fantastic.

NC (vo): Oh, we finally do get some form of suspense when Danny locks himself in the bathroom. (Jack and Wendy break through the door, finding Danny staring up at the ceiling while drooling) Oh no, another Miracle Whip binge!

Wendy: Danny!

Jack: Wake up now! (Danny wakes up)

Danny: Tony was here! He was here!

Jack: There's no Tony! There's no imaginary pal who comes and shows you the future, now will you stop that crap!?

(He ends up shaking Danny hard enough to make him hit his head on the toilet, making him cry out)

NC (vo): So, what are they gonna do after this bit of excitement? Talk about it, of course!

Jack: I just got scared because, um, I thought...you know what, I don't know what I thought.

NC: Oh, Jesus. DO SOMETHING! I mean, how far along are we again? (A caption pops up saying 1:15 Without Commercials) DO SOMETHING!

NC (vo): Okay, great, so they finally decide that Danny should go to a doctor, fair enough. But what kind of doctor should he go to?

Wendy: There's one Sidewinder that's supposed to be good. He's not a pediatrician, he's a GP, but--

NC (vo): Oh my god, are you serious!? I filed taxes more exciting than this!

Wendy: You know what scares me?

NC (vo): Yeah, the idea that nothing scary will happen?

Wendy: Your anger.

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, Lord knows that's much more scary than the insane ghost downstairs constantly messing with your hotel! Yeah, literally! All sorts of weird stuff is going on downstairs and where are our caretakers? Finding out how many different ways they can say sorry!

Jack: Sorry. How many ways can I say it?

NC (vo): Oh, I don't know. I'm sure you'll film every one that comes to mind, though! I mean seriously, are the ghosts just patiently waiting for them to notice what they're doing?

Jack: Wendy...

Wendy: I don't want this to be an angry place, Jack.

Ghosts: (voiced by NC) Uh, guys, you know we're doing a lot of creepy stuff down here. Turn the lights on and off, jukebox, moving things. Pretty scary. Okay, uh, whenever you guys get a minute, feel free to come on down and take a look at it and, uh, maybe be terrified. If not, um, just have a good night and enjoy your conversation and, uh, yeah, good luck with your little problem there. Again, scary, very scary. Boo.

NC (vo): We do at last get a little bit more action as the wasp nest suddenly comes alive again.

Jack: Aah!

Wendy: You said it was safe, Jack! You said it was safe!

NC (vo): (A clip from a Mega Man game is shown) God, it's like the replenishing bees from the Mega Man games. They just never die!

(Clip from Amazons Attack)

Linkara (vo): (as Batman) Bees. My god.

Danny: (crying) But you said the wasps were dead!

Jack: I know I did, honey. Stay here with mommy, I'll be right back.

NC (vo): But that was way too much excitement for part one. So let's level it out with the incredibly exciting actions of going to the kitchen, getting a container, trapping them in it, taking them outside, going into the living room, retrieving your camera, taking pictures of the wounds, and talking about how you can possibly use this to maybe get some insurance money from it.

Jack: I think $5,000 a sting should do it, huh, don't you think?

NC (vo): WHO CARES!?

NC: We're an hour and a half in! The other movie had (clips from the Kubrick movie) an elevator of blood, two scary girls, and...(the scene with the guy in the furry suit) whatever the fuck that was!

NC (vo): And aside from the ghosts once again closing the doors every once in a while, nothing creepy is happening at all!

NC: What next, they're gonna terrifyingly tinker with the thermostat?

(A thermostat is shown going from 72 degrees to 71, followed by a scare chord)

NC (vo): So as we begin part 2, which I'm sure a lot of people saw seeing how part 1 was so riveting, we finally see Danny goes to the doctor.

Doctor: How did Danny break his arm?

Wendy: His father did. Jack didn't mean to hurt him, but he was drunk.

NC: Didn't we go over this? The flashback, remember? (vo) Drunken Christian Bale hurting his son, we saw all this! (normal) Why does this need to be repeated?

Doctor: So your family's mending?

Wendy: I think it is, doctor, we're trying to move on.

NC (vo): This moment of pointlessly long writing brought to you by (a picture of The Stand is put in) Stephen King. Helping young kids reach the top shelf for 40 years. (a picture of a little boy standing on a giant-sized copy of The Stand is shown) God, even when a set-up for a scary moment happens, look what they do with it.

Ghost voices: Danny. Join us. Danny.

Danny: Shut up, do you hear me? Just shup up!

Wendy: Danny! It's snowing! Honey, come take a look. It's snowing!

(The family comes outside to enjoy the snow)

NC (vo): Hey, thank god! Satan and his demon army can be dealt with later. It's snowing! (and he laughs)

NC: God I can't take this shit! (Facepalming. His phone rings and he picks it up) Yes?

(On the line is Rachel sitting in a car with Malcolm)

Rachel: Hey Critic, we felt really bad about abandoning you while you're moving everything.

Malcolm: Yeah, you did. (He gets smacked for his sass) Ah!

Rachel: We were wondering if you wanted us to come back and help you out?

NC: (channeling Jack Nicholson) Rachel, *ahem* let me explain something to you. Whenever you call and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me and it'll take time (squeezing his squeaky toy) to get back to where I was! You understand?

Rachel: What got into you? Aunt Flo in town?

NC: *sigh* We're gonna make a new rule. Whenever you hear me typing like this... (typing on his laptop, putting the phone to it)

Rachel: How can I hear you typing if you're miles away?

NC: Whether you don't hear me typing, whatever the fuck I'm doing, when I am in here, I am working, and that means you don't call! Now you think you can handle that?

Rachel: I'd like to say you used to be so nice, but that wouldn't be correct.

NC: Why don't you start by getting the fuck out of here?

Rachel: Because I'm not in the same room with you.

NC: BEAT IT! (he hangs up)

Malcolm: Good! No moving day. Let's go celebrate with some pumpkin tacos.

Rachel: The Shining.

Malcolm: What?

Rachel: The Shining, the movie. Where Jack Nicholson goes crazy?

Malcolm: You'll have to be a little more specific.

Rachel: Kubrick movie. I think he's gone crazy and is reenacting the Kubrick movie. We have to do something before he goes too far!

Malcolm: Oh hell no, I'm not doing that!

Rachel: Why?

Malcolm: Do you know what happens to the black guy in that movie?

Rachel: ...No.

Malcolm: What happens to ALL black guys in scary movies?

Rachel: ...No.

Malcolm: Well let's just say it doesn't end well.

Rachel: Well let's just say if something happens to the Critic, then we're out of a job!

Malcolm: I wanted to try the Pumpkin Burger from McDonald's!

Rachel: Drive!

Malcolm: Fine. But if they're out of Pumpkin McNuggets, I'm blaming you.

(And we go to commercial)

(And now back to the show)

NC (vo): So I know you're all blown away with that snow scene but, sad to say, some actual suspense seems to enter the picture when Danny is tempted to go in Room 217, which he is forbidden to go in.

Tony: Doc! What are you doing here, Doc?

Danny: They're like pictures in a book.

Tony: Doc, if you give them the chance to become more than that--

Danny: I can go in if I want to. Go away. Leave me alone. (Danny closes his eyes and when he opens them, Tony disappears)

Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): Oh, good. To find out how you can own the new Encyclopedia Britannica...

(a fire hose lunges out to Danny)

Danny: Tony! Where are you? Help me!!!

Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): I was talking to the people at home.

(the hose lies motionless)

Danny: Just a hose. Stupid.

(the hose comes back to life as Danny runs away, then we see pictures of an Encyclopedia Britannica set with the phone number 1-800-235-1500)

Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): Just call this number and we'll send you this free booklet.

Jack: Danny. What are you doing?

Danny: Nothing, Daddy.

Jack: "Nothing, Daddy." What are you doing in Mr. Ullman's office?

NC (vo): Oddly enough, most of the transition of Jack turning crazy is done surprisingly pretty flowingly, that is except for this one moment where I think a page was out of place or something because suddenly he's in full nut mode with no lead-in at all.

Jack: What have you got behind your back?

Danny: Nothing, Daddy.

Jack: "Nothing, honey."

(Danny gives Jack the room key)

Jack: You're not supposed to go into any of the guest rooms! (skip) What should we do about a little boy who cannot keep to the rules?

Danny: Daddy, I didn't go on the--

Jack: Men... fffollow the rules.

NC: (imitating Jack) They also say their "f"s vvvery difffficully.

NC (vo): Oh, and just when you thought this movie couldn't get any more drawn out, any more boring, any more tediously long-winded, we get a twelve minute conversation about marriage without any scares, any action, or any suspense whatsoever.

Wendy: What has happened to us, Jack?

Jack: Please, please try to bear with me.

Wendy: I hate this place now.

Jack: I'm just interested in the papers I found down the (unsure of this word).

Wendy: Is stress the reason you don't want to make love to me anymore?

NC (vo): ENTERTAAAAIIIIN!!! ENTERTAAAAIIIIN!!!

Wendy: We didn't have much back in Boulder, but we were pretty happy.

Jack: I know how much I bitch things up for myself.

Wendy: I'm not talking about the guest room.

Jack: You won't be sorry.

(Cut to NC with an angry, almost possessed face, similar to Jack's in the Kubrick film)

Jack: I do. The booze, my temper, George Hatfield. (skip) Your husband lost his last chance because his son sees things sometimes?!

Wendy: That is so unfair and you know it!

Jack: The situation is unfair!

NC: Derob... Derob...

NC (vo): So after that terrifying bit of horror, we finally get to where the real scary shit lies in all this, the real terrifying heart that it's all been building up to: the plants don't have snow on them anymore!

(clip of the foaming mouth guy from the Last Airbender review)

NC (vo): Oh, and you know what's even scarier? Having them be totally still while playing animal sound effects over them.

(Jack starts to run away from the animal topiaries as animal sound effects play in the background.)

NC (vo): Jesus Christ, I'm gonna piss myself!

(Jack stands up and turns around to see the topiaries have snow on them again.)

NC (vo, imitating Jack): Ooh, I'm gonna write a Doctor Who episode about this! (NC then mimics Curly's whoop-whoop sounds from The Three Stooges.)

NC (vo): And because breaking in the first time went so well, Danny decides maybe doing it again will turn out even better consequences. And, wouldn't you know it, something actually a touch scary does occur here.

(Danny pulls back a shower curtain to reveal a decaying woman in a tub of dirty water.)

NC (vo): Josh Holloway? So that's where you went after Lost.

Woman: Hello, Danny.

(Danny runs out of the room screaming and goes into the hall)

NC (vo, deep voice): Knock knock. (as Danny) Who's there? (deep voice again as two arms reach out and pull Danny back into the room) ZUUL MUTHAFUCKA!

NC (vo): When the parents come across him, they notice he's not his usual cryptic self, but rather a more unusual cryptic self.

Jack: Danny?

(Danny has bite marks all over him.)

NC (vo): Hey, Danny, way to get to first base!

Wendy: You bastard!

Jack: Wait, I never...I

Wendy: Danny. (Skip) If you so much as lay a finger on him again I will wait until you're asleep and I will kill you.

NC (vo): Of course she figures out it wasn't Jack and asks him to go figure out who did it (beat) after five minutes of talking about it of course!

Danny: We have to get out of here.

(NC takes off his glasses and rubs his face in disbelief)

Jack: What are you talking about?

Danny: This place was bad. Everything bad that happened here is still here.

NC (vo): Stop talking about it and just show us what's fucking scary!!!

Danny: But if we don't go soon, we might not be able to go at all.

(The screen starts to fade to black)

NC (vo): Oh, look! A commercial! I do hope they're still talking when they come back from it!

(After the break, we cut back to the kitchen where the conversation is still going.)

NC (vo): And they are. WHAT THE HELL?! Are you fucking serious?! The conversation was so long that it literally needed a commercial break?!

NC: Look, in books, I know stories are carried through a lot of dialogue and obviously a lot of words. That's the medium. But film is a visual medium. Show, don't tell!

NC (vo): I mean, by God, imagine if Georges Méliès, instead of showing his voyage to the moon, just talked about it the whole time!

(Cut to a picture of Méliès that is captioned, "Georges Méliès Speaks of His Underwhelming Sounding Idea)

NC (vo, as Méliès): So they got in this very flat, strange looking device that kind of looked like a penis and launched it into the moon. Oh, the moon, by the way, has a face on it, and it actually hits the face in the eye. Ho, ho! This would be rather unbelievable if we were to see this visually, but... nah!

(Cut to NC with an angry, possessed face again, even more disturbed)

NC: Derob! Derob!

NC (vo): So Jack decides to go up there and carve himself a witch.

(Jack grabs a croquet mallet from behind the banister.)

NC (vo, imitating Jack): Say, this looks like the most intimidating weapon around here.

(Jack pulls back the shower curtain to find the tub empty. Suddenly, the door to the medicine cabinet opens.)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, because you've already closed a door 186 times, maybe the 187th will catch us off guard.

(Jack re-enters the bathroom to find that something is in the tub this time)

NC (vo): Alright, let's get some exciting, scary and... (Jack bolts out of the room) or run away like a pussy.

(Jack catches his breath in the hall.)

NC (vo): Well, that's enough stuff for this scene. Let's go back to more talking!

Wendy: Did you break the CB?

Jack: It wasn't broken when you got in there?

NC (vo): RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

NC: Why would you hint at the scary thing we already saw?! You showed it! You showed it in close up! You showed it far away! You showed it at every angle imaginable! Okay, not every angle. You know, (pushing up at his chest) ha ha, TV. But at the same time, we know what it looks like! We know what's scary about it! So why would keeping it in the shadows scare us when we know exactly what's in there?! WHY?!?! (NC hangs his head down in frustration) I need a drink.

(NC walks off screen and we suddenly find ourselves in a bar.)

NC: God, I need a drink. Fuck my goddamn soul for just a shot of Cupcake Vodka. (NC starts to channel Nicholson again as he talks to the bartender who, apparently, has just arrived) Why, hello there. Kind of dead tonight isn't it?

(NC starts to laugh as we see that the bartender is Dominic from Video Game Confessions)

Dominic: Yes it is, Mr. Critic. What'll it be?

NC: Well, I'm so glad you asked me that. It turns out I have a lot of lost time to make up for, and it's on account of this miniseries, and I tell ya, it keeps getting worse.

Dominic: Do tell, Mr. Critic. Do tell.

NC: For example, Jack pretends he doesn't see...

NC (vo): ...anything as tensions start to rise.

Jack: I've got to pump the boiler!

Wendy: Look at your son! Can't you see the bruises on his neck? Are you blind?!

Danny: Stop it!

NC (vo, imitating Danny): I wanna overact, too!

NC (vo): So Jack goes and smashes the radio as well as the snow scooter and pretends like he doesn't know what's going on, resulting in a six minute conversation about how they're stuck.

Wendy: We could learn as we go, Jack.

Jack: Baby, we could listen to the weather and we can pick a time when they're calling for 3 or 4 days without snow.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jack: And if the forecast is wrong...

NC (vo): Fuck the conversation. You can say this in four words. "We're stuck! Oh, nutbunnies!" Why is this so hard?! But things get suspenseful, I guess, when the hedge sculptures start to come to life.

(The horribly made CGI topiaries slowly start to walk towards Danny playing in the snow.)

NC (vo): Wow. Not since The Happening have I been so not afraid of plant life. I'm so glad the CG artist from The Langoliers still got work. Things get even more hectic when one of the rooms locks Wendy inside. Why? I mean, what's the point when you really think about it? Even if they do catch up to him, what are they going to do? Give him poison ivy?

(Wendy breaks the window of the door to unlock it and while running down the hall, trips over the vase she threw.)

NC (vo, as the ghosts): Oh, hey, that wasn't us. You're just a clumsy clod.

(The topiaries start to close in as Wendy and Jack rush to check on Danny)

Wendy: Danny!

NC (vo): And, once again, what is this all building up to?

Wendy: Danny!

Danny: Hi, Mom!

(We see that the topiaries are gone)

NC (vo): Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

Jack: You're... you're jumping at shadows, babe.

NC: You know, some people like first film version of The Shining, some don't, and I can understand either. But at the very least, you have to acknowledge it created a surreal, scary environment. And as soon as this version started, it was clear it was much more interested in talking about that scary world than it was actually showing it. And that was three GODDAMN HOURS AGO!