Alone in the Dark

(NOSTALGIA CRITIC looks passed out with a laptop on his lap, he uses the text-to-speech program to deliver his dialog)

Critic: Hello, I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don't have to... (beat) Well, it finally happened; I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me that I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sourkraut named Uwe Boll.

(Pics of Uwe Boll are shown)

Critic: He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game movies like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. His gimmick is that he excersizes German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax right off... He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them.

(Cuts back to CRITIC)

Critic: Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his most famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review--

(SPOONY enters)

Spoony: Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for YEARS! Critic: How did you get in here? Spoony: I'm from the future... Critic: What? Spoony: I'm just kidding, I... broke in.

(SPOONY sits down, CRITIC looks relieved, then confused)

Critic: Well, not that I would want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless we could find someone--

(LINKARA enters)

Linkara: Hi, guys! Critic: Oh, Jesus, no... Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky...

(cut to searchlight with CRITIC's face on it, cut back to CRITIC, SPOONY, and LINKARA)

Critic: Why did I install that? Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony... Spoony: Hey dude, look what I can make the nostalgia critic say... (types on CRITIC's laptop) Critic: I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear women's clothing.

(LINKARA snickers, CRITIC pushes SPOONY away)

Critic: Well I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. What do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight? Linkara: Sounds great... Spoony: Totally looking forward to it... Critic: Goody...

[UNFINISHED-- I only started this so others could finish this)