Wonder Woman

(The 2017 NC opening plays)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, we got a little bit of a tradition going on here. Every single time a DC film comes out, I always have to review it, because let's face it, DC films give you hope...the hope that one day, they'll actually make a good DC film. (An audience boos, while a smiling NC stands up and shakes his butt at the camera; his pants have the words "DC Sux" written on them) DC movies suck! DC movies suck! DC movies-- (He is suddenly whipped on the butt by a lasso) OW!

(He turns to see that Wonder Woman (Tamara) has come into the room, holding the lasso)

Wonder Woman: Not anymore.

NC: Wonder Woman! I'm just about to talk about your inevitably crappy movie.

(Wonder Woman uses her lasso to rope NC close to her)

Wonder Woman: That was the old DC. This DC brings back what we loved about our classic heroes.

NC: Okay. Look, Jessie the Cowgirl, I heard this shtick before. "Oh, this is the DC film that's gonna change everything! This one looks so good! But the trailer looks so great!" Well, you know what? I'm not falling for it! The only film I'm getting excited for this year is The Emoji Movie!

Wonder Woman: What?

NC: What? (Realizes he's holding the lasso) Damn Lasso of Truth!

Wonder Woman: Come with me, and I'll show you I'm the hero that the DC movies have been waiting for.

NC: (Sighs) Are you sure about this?

Wonder Woman: Did the creator of Wonder Woman also create the lie detector?

NC: I don't know. Did he?

Wonder Woman: He did.

NC: He did?

Wonder Woman: Yeah.

NC: Huh. The more you know. (NC and Wonder Woman both smile at the camera as the caption "The More You Know" is shown with a comet) Okay, but give me a second. I gotta do the intro here first.

Wonder Woman: Well, what am I supposed to do?

NC: I don't know. Get us hyped up with a tonally inappropriate yet amazingly awesome electric guitar theme? (Wonder Woman nods, grabs an electric guitar, and starts playing a rocking tune, while NC stands next to her) You may be awesome, but you're not "Wonder Woman playing electric guitar" awesome! (He starts dancing as Wonder Woman continues playing)

(Various comic book images of Wonder Woman, as well as images of both DC animated shows and movies, are shown)

NC (vo): Wonder Woman has been a popular icon since the 40s, being one of DC's Top 3 most marketable brands. Yet while their Top 2 most popular brands, Batman and Superman, have gotten several movies and cinematic suicide notes in the past, Wonder Woman has strangely been absent. She had a hit TV series in the 1970s... (Footage of that show is shown) Hey, you may be cool, but you're not "Wonder Woman skating with appropriate helmet and knee pads" cool! (Cut back to an image of Wonder Woman in the animated Justice League) And made a few appearances in animation, but a cinematic movie never happened. Hell, they would make a film out of (poster of...) Steel with Shaq before giving her her own movie.

(A Marvel Cinematic Universe image is shown, before showing images of Wonder Woman in the DC Extended Universe)

NC (vo): But with cinematic universes being all the rage and DC trying to catch up with Marvel's success, they debuted the character in Batman v Superman, and she was said by many to be one of the few saving graces of the film. But could her kick-ass cameo translate well enough to make a big hit with both audiences and critics?

(NC sits back down on his desk)

NC: Well, let's take a look and find out. This is... (Notices there are two signs flying next to him, one saying "Anti-Feminist" and the other saying "Anti-Men") What is this?

(Holding the "Anti-Feminist" sign are Social Justice Peck (Rob) and his assistant (Heather) from the Ghostbusters review)

Peck: Hah! This movie's not nearly feminest enough, and we need to talk about it!

(Holding the "Anti-Men" sign with a fishing line are the Meninists (Malcolm, Jim and Jason) from the Mad Max: Fury Road review)

Meninists: Man-no!

Meninist Malcolm: We need to talk about how this movie isn't good, it'll end all female superhero movies!

Meninists Jason and Jim: YEAH!

NC: No, no, no! Forget it! I'm not grabbing any of your complain bait!

Peck: But there is so much to get needlessly upset about.

Meninists: Man-yes!

NC: Now look! (Grabs the signs) Other people can talk about the political, social, equal, not-equal, whatever issues. I just want to judge this movie as a movie. So piss off!

Peck: But as a feminist, I am deeply insulted!

Heather: I actually thought the movie was pretty good.

Peck: Shut up. I'm being offended for you.

Heather: Oh.

Peck: We need to talk about...

(Suddenly, Wonder Woman uses her lasso to attack Peck and Heather, causing them to run away. Wonder Woman then attacks the Meninists, also causing them to run away. NC grabs the lasso, pleased)

NC: Hey! Thanks, Wonder Woman! You fight for my right to wear satin tights! (Wonder Woman becomes confused. NC realizes he's holding the lasso and lets go of it) Damn Lasso of Truth! Now everybody knows!

Wonder Woman: Yeah, I don't think you could pull that off.

NC: Just start the review!

Wonder Woman: Right.

(She uses her spinning power to transport us to the movie, presented through reenactments. We are first shown a young Diana Prince at her island home)

NC (vo): We start off with our main character, Diana, as a child on the island of... (The caption "Themyscira" is shown as NC struggles to pronounce it) that...as she's raised by a society of Amazon women, who enjoy their bright, colorful landscapes and the beautiful...

(Diana and her mother, Queen Hippolyta (Aylanna), and her aunt Antiope (Heather), are shown standing proudly in the bright landscape of Themyscira, before Superman (Rob Scallion) and Batman (Doug) suddenly walk into the scene)

Superman and Batman: No, no, no, no, no.

NC: (Annoyed) Oh, God. (Does a face-palm)

Superman: What is this? Color? It's stupid, dude.

Batman: Yeah, yeah. And what's that? The sun? What DC movie have you been watching? (To Superman) Hey, can you get rid of that for me?

Superman: I'm on it. (He flies off to the sun and destroys it off-screen, turning the landscape into dark) No more sun.

Batman: All right, out of the way. Out of the way. I'm gonna make some changes here. (Literally jumps out of the computer video screen, as Fur Else starts playing) All right, all right, all right. (Walks to the color filter section, and turns off "Radiant color" to replace it with "Lifeless mush", "Puke brown", and "Grainy as shit") There we go. Much better, much better.

(The entire Themyscira landscape, as well as NC's room, has been turned into dark colors. Batman and Superman walk back into the scene, feeling proud of themselves)

Batman: Now that's how you do a DC film.

Superman: I thought it felt naked for a while there.

(Superman and Batman do a fist bump, as Diana, Hippolyta and Antiope, as well as NC, become annoyed)

Hippolyta: Will you get out of here? We are trying to do something different and better.

Batman: Oh, I'm sorry we're not Marvel.

Antiope: You can do something different and better and not be like Marvel.

(Superman and Batman are stunned)

Superman: Really?

Batman: I didn't know that.

Hippolyta: Archers!

(Several arrows fire on Batman and Superman, forcing them to leave)

Batman: Piss off, She-Ra!

(We cut to Diana being told a story by Queen Hippolyta, holding a book called "Mother Goose's Vengeful Gods")

NC (vo): Diana's mother, the queen of the Amazons, explains the history of where they came from.

(As Hippolyta tells the story, we are shown Photoshopped images of Zeus and Ares)

Hippolyta: Long ago, the god Zeus told the god Ares not to try and overthrow him. Ares agreed, but he was toad-slimed, and Zeus was like, "Bitch, I am Zeus", and he threw his Ares-gant ass out. (Zeus' wife throws Ares away (with the Wilhelm Scream being heard), and Ares gets crushed by a Monty Python foot) To make sure a psychotic monster like that never took over again, Zeus created the Amazons, and then he destroyed the Electoral College.

Diana: And I get to be an Amazon when I grow up.

Hippolyta: No, because I sculpted you from clay and brought you to life.

Diana: Really?

Hippolyta: No, but it's easier than telling you where babies come from.

Diana: But I want to be a warrior!

(Antiope comes in)

Antiope: She's right, sister. She's a frustrated princess, longing for more and going against her parents' wishes. If we stay this route, we'll be a Disney movie.

Hippolyta: Well, only if she saves a handsome man from the sea.

Antiope: Let me train her.

Hippolyta: No.

Antiope: You must!

Hippolyta: Okay.

(Beat)

Antiope: Wow, that was fast.

Hippolyta: It's a two-and-a-half hour movie. We gotta move it along.

Antiope: Okay, good point.

(We see Diana being trained by Antiope)

NC (vo): So Diana is trained as an Amazon, but her mother is afraid she'll find out the truth about who she is. The nice thing is, this is a DC origin story where not everything is told in the beginning. They save some of it as a mystery, a mystery that's answered in one movie rather than the sequel.

(Hippolyta appears)

Hippolyta: Don't ask about that.

Diana: I really think that I should.

Hippolyta: It's a two-and-a-half hour movie. People take bathroom breaks.

Diana: Okay, okay.

(A plane suddenly crashes into the island)

NC (vo): But Diana sees a plane crash into the sea and saves the pilot inside.

(Diana meets the plane's pilot Steve Trevor, who's played by Malcolm)

Diana: You're a man.

Steve: Yes. I'm World War I pilot Steve Trevor.

Diana: (Confused) Really? You're World War I pilot Steve Trevor? I just...I thought you'd be more Chris Pine-ish.

Steve: Look, there's not a lot of black people in this movie. If we played it for real, the only role that I'd have is the black Amazon.

(Diana turns to see Hippolyta and Antiope being joined by Acantha, also played by Malcolm. This creeps Diana out)

Diana: It's a good thing I saved you from that fake CGI effect.

Steve: Oh, don't worry. There's much more of those in this movie. Just look at this slow-motion bullet from an enemy soldier who followed me.

(A German soldier (Jim) appears alongside another soldier (Doug) and fires his gun. The bullet flies through in slow-motion, allowing Diana to grab it and look at it)

Diana: Huh. Yeah, that is really fake.

(She lets the bullet go, but it ends up hitting Antiope in the chest)

Antiope: Well, a lot good that training did!

(She falls down to the ground)

Diana: Auntie! Oh! If only there was some way I could deflect bullets!

(Antiope raises her head up)

Antiope: Seriously?

(Antiope ends up getting shot in the head)

Hippolyta: Archers!

(Several arrows fire on the German soldiers, scaring them away. We cut to Steve being held and interrogated by the Amazons, with one Amazon wearing a sign that says "Different Person")

NC (vo): So they use the Lasso of Truth on Steve to find out all about the great war.

Diana: Could this be the work of our sworn enemy Ares?

Steve: I...can't prove that it's not.

Diana: Mother, we have to stop him and his evil ways.

Hippolyta: No. Mankind is much too violent and dangerous. We're better off serving our crazy gods, who are so bloodthirsty, we literally have one named the God of War.

Diana: Steve, is there anything you're not telling us? They'll kill you if you don't confess.

Steve: Truth be told, I'm okay with that. I've always fantasized I would die on an island full of nothing but Amazon women. I just never thought it would actually happen. Though I could do without...that. (Looks at Acantha, who winks at Steve, creeping him out) Why did I agree to film that?

(We see Diana stealing a large sword and attempting to help Steve escape)

NC (vo): Diana doesn't listen, though, and she steals the sword of ultimate power, known as the God-Killer, and saves Steve from his prison to get him back to the war. But she's stopped by her mother.

(Diana and Steve are caught by Hippolyta, Acantha and the "Different Person" Amazon)

Hippolyta: Diana, what are you doing?

Diana: I'm off, Mother. I'm going to defeat Ares, fight in the great war, and become the hero everyone will soon call Wonder Woman.

(Beat)

Hippolyta: No one will call you that.

Diana: What?

Hippolyta: No one will call you that, like, nobody.

Diana: You mean they never worked that in, not even as a joke?

Hippolyta: Nope.

Diana: (Frowns) Oh, my God. We're gonna be Fan4stic. They never said their name either! We're gonna be Fan4stic?! Oh, my God!

Hippolyta: We're not going to be Fan4stic. Nothing can be as bad as Fan4stic. Just breathe.

Diana: Okay. (Takes deep breaths and calms down)

Hippolyta: I still think it's a bad idea for you to go. I'm the Queen of the Amazons, and I say you are not an Amazon.

Diana: Then...technically, you're not my queen, and I don't have to do what you say.

Hippolyta: Hmm...true. Okay, bye!

(She and the "Different Person" Amazon leave. Acantha winks at Steve)

Acantha: A-wink!

Steve: (Groans) I can't believe I filmed that twice.

(And we go to a commercial)

(When we return, we see General Ludendorff (Rob) and Dr. Poison (Heather) in a laboratory)

NC (vo): This lead us to the film's villain General Ludendorff and his partner Dr. Poison, who's kinda like a alternate version of Michael Crawford's Phantom of the Opera, half the face is covered, the acting is over the top and the voice is clearly that of a woman.

Dr. Poison: General, send in the next subject!

NC (vo): These two are trying to create a gas that can kill someone even if he wears a gas mask. Steve is aware of this and tries to get the information to war council member Sir Patrick.

Sir Patrick: Tell me, Trevor who is this young woman?

Diana: Diane, princess of Themyscira-

Steve: Prince. Diana Prince is her name.

Sir Patrick: Really? Because it sounded like she said Princess of  Thermyscira.

Steve: Emmmm...

Sir Patrick: D-Did you think I would just miss that part?

Steve: Uh, it's her maiden name.

Sir Patrick: Really?

Steve: Come on, men. Don't hide in the tresses like a pussy, get out there and fight like a pussy!!

NC (vo): Then rally around her as her god killer does exactly that, destroying a chapel, serving as the control base for a town of tortured people.

(electric guitar riff)

NC (vo): She makes her way to a party to kill General Ludendorff and Dr. Poison, but Steve says it'll result in tons of people dying. Thus, he stop her, resulting in tons of people dying. The very town she saved is now up in gas and smoke.

NC (vo): Wonder Woman says "Screw, harsh reality!", she wants her comic book bullshit back! So she finds General Ludendorff at his base and tries again to finish him off.

Ludendorff: Vhat are you?!

Wonder Woman: Shortning your subscription to life!

Dr. Poison: Here! I made these god pills, now you can totally fight her!

Ludendorff: Thank you, Herr Hamburglar!

(Ludendorff takes the god pills and becomes a strong god)

Ludendorff: Hah! Now I'm as strong as you!

(Wonder Woman punches Ludendorff six times and he doesn't die from punching)

Ludendorff: Not even a god can stop me now!

(Wonder Woman stabs Ludendorff with her sword)

Ludendorff: But the god with a really sharp object, that'll do!

(Ludendorff dies)

Wonder Woman: Good for me!

NC : But, as par for most movies nowadays, there has to be a surprise villain, Ares.

Wonder Woman: Wait, what?

Ares: Yeessssssss.

Ares: Hello.

Wonder Woman: This is a joke for the review, right? That's not really the god of war, right?

NC: No, it's totally in the movie, that is the god of war!

NC (vo): You see, he didn't cause people to start the war, but he did plan ideas for them to do it well.

Ares: You know it's awesome killing people. Your idea, not mine.

Ludendorff: Killing people would be awesome, and that's my idea, not Ares.

NC (vo): He creates war through humanities hunger for violence and he serves as thier muse for creativity.

Ares: Have you ever thought of a body crushing gas for peaceful purposes?

Dr. Poison: I'll create nickelback!

Ares (off-screen): No! Don't do that! Even I'm not that evil, just get to the gas, I mean, if it pops in your head, I don't know!

NC: Okay, so here's the thing, as much as I'm sick of a villain being a surprise at the end, it does kinda match this hero's journey.

NC (vo): Wonder Woman thinks it's a simple good vs. evil tale, but discovers things are not so black and white, hell, even this paticular war was not so black and white, so it creates more of a challenge for effical loyalty.

NC (vo): But here's the problem, Ares, the god of freaking war, and endity so powerful it took on Zeus...

Wonder Woman: ...is a pasty old British guy.

Ares: Hey, I am very intimidating! I onced asked a passed assult and I didn't say please.

Wonder Woman: You are as intimidating as the Monopoly guy!

Ares: Hey, we used our crappy effects to photoshop my head on a muscular body.

(Ares' head is shown photoshopped on a muscular body)

Ares: See? I am totally worth nightmares! And as you know, I had a bad dream last week I played cricket with no knee-pads, ho ho ho!

Wonder Woman: Oh, enough of this, Professor Plum!

Ares: Oh, someone served as a killer mustard.

Wonder Woman: I am going to kill you with my disintegrating sword, and brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates!

(Ares disintegrates her sword)

Wonder Woman: Well, what do you know? It disintegrated.

(Ares pushes Wonder Woman out of the window)

Ares: And now I will show you my real form which I'm sure you'll be more comfortable with!

(Ares tranforms into his real form)

NC: Alright, now this is what I'm talking about! This is the Ares from the comic, this is the god of war! This is...

Ares: Hello.

NC: ...still a old british fop!

Ares: Come on, just it's because this face under this armor doesn't mean I'm any less cruel! Look I'm going to throw things at her!

(Ares throws a metal door on Wonder Woman)

Ares: There, you see? That was  very intimidating! Fire, lighting all commanded by a Monty Python character, come on!

NC (vo): Things don't get any better when Wonder Woman realizes Steve is flying a plane filled with the poison gas into the air to blow it up, sacrificing himself.

Steve: Well, it could be worse. Could be killed by a dickless Doomsday.

(Steve fires his gun backwards and the plane explodes)

Wonder Woman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Ares: Wow, that pilot died really fast