Boys Beware!

NOTE: All dialogue (in the film and in Doug’s riffs) is voiceovered.

We hear an orchestra tuning up as we fade in on a CG red curtain.

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to “That Guy Riffs!” [which appears in hand-drawn letters] Today, we’ll be looking at a short called “Boys Beware,” an anti-gay film that deals with how the 1950s was… anti-gay. Enjoy. [starts mumbling] Mmm, yes… [music and visuals fade]

Fade in on the production logo: “Sid Davis Productions Presents” as music from the film plays.

Doug: Poor Sid Davis. He only produced two films: The Seventh Seal and this.

Dissolves to the title: BOYS BEWARE

Doug: The real dangerous book for boys!

Dissolve to this caption: “Produced with the cooperation of the Inglewood Police Department and the Inglewood Unified School District.”

Doug: We throw some of the best darn cross-burnings this side of the South. ''[at this point, the caption moves up slightly. After a few moments, when it starts to move back down, Doug notices this:]'' Okay, you scrolling down? Y-y… just-just gonna stay there? Okay, that’s fine. [after a few seconds, it moves back up again] Uh-you movin’ up? [stammers as the caption fades] Okay, you had your chance.

''Fade up on the exterior of a suburban police station. A man in a suit exits the front door and passes a young man who’s on his way inside.''

Doug: [as the man] Danny, I thought I shot you. [as the youngster] Nope, I survived! [as the man] Oh, okay then.

The man continues on his way out of the station, down the steps, and into his car parked on the street.

Doug: This man may seem like an everyday man when, really in fact, he is. [pauses] Sorry, we’ll try to being something juicier to you next week. [the man gets into his car and drives off, but we can’t hear the door being shut or the car running because of the music being played - this happens throughout the film] Talk about ‘silent running;’ I couldn’t even hear the door slam.

''We dissolve to a close-up shot of the man driving on the road, side view. He speaks as a v/o.''

Williams: I’m Lieutenant Williams…

Doug: Hi, Lt. Williams.

Williams: …a police officer attached to the Juvenile Division. I’m on my way to Monroe Junior High School to talk to a group of young people.

Doug: That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

As Williams drives along, we notice some young kids at a bench at the nearest traffic light, hitchhiking.

Williams: That looks innocent enough, doesn’t it? Lots of young people hitchhike. Seems like a good way to get from one place to another?

Doug: It does?

''We dissolve to another kid hitchhiking in a different location. He’s your “typical” kid from that era: white T-shirt, pegged-up jeans, well-groomed hair…''

Williams: But sometimes, there are dangers involved that never meet the eye.

Doug: Dangers that lie in The Twilight Zone.

Williams: Let’s take the case of Jimmy Barnes.

Doug: No!

Williams: Jimmy played baseball all afternoon, and he didn’t feel like walking home; so he decided to thumb a ride. [a driver eventually notices Jimmy at the intersection, slows down, and allows Jimmy to enter his car]

Doug: But that’s not the only thing he’s going to thumb. [laughs] If you got that, then you’re gay. [Jimmy gets inside, and the two drive off] Ah, yes, this is before the invention of parenting.

Williams: He’d done it a hundred times before, and he didn’t think anything was unusual when the driver struck up a friendly conversation. ''[Doug snickers as we dissolve to a ride-along shot of Jimmy talking with the driver. The driver is wearing dark clothes, a dark hat and sunglasses]'' In fact, he seemed like a real nice guy. He asked Jimmy if he played baseball in the park often. Jimmy told him they practiced three times a week and played a rival group on Friday afternoon. [this plays under what Doug says next] The stranger was a good listener, too…

Doug: He then asked if he liked gladiator movies.

Williams: …and had only seen minutes before they pulled up in front of Jimmy’s house. [that’s what happens on-screen]

Doug: Where Jimmy’s two fathers were waiting.

Williams: When Jimmy got out, the stranger gave him a friendly pat. [on his shoulder]

Doug: I won’t say where, though. [chuckles] Again, if you got that, you’re gay.

Williams: Then he told him he’d see him again, as he always drove by the park on his way home.

Doug: [as the driver] I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what?!

''The driver moves off as Jimmy enters his home. Dissolve to the next day where we see Jimmy walking alone in a park, tossing his baseball glove in the air and catching it.''

Doug: Jimmy spent many an afternoon confusing throwing a glove around, wishing he had friends.

Williams: Sure enough, [the driver waves at Jimmy, who waves back and gets inside the car again] the following day, when Jimmy finished playing ball, well, the man was there waiting.

Doug: [as Jimmy] Hot damn! I’ve never been in a convertible before! [as the driver] Really? Well, I guess you’re not ready then, aren’t you? [the driver slides over from the passenger seat to the driver seat for Jimmy, and the two leave] Let it be known that gay men have a horrible tendency of remaining fabulous.

We dissolve to a drive-in restaurant as the two are just leaving.

Williams: They stopped at a drive-in, and the stranger treated him to a Coke. During their conversation, he told several off-color jokes. [Doug snickers] But Jimmy had heard others before; and, well, it made him feel big to so easily win the confidence of an older person.

''Cut to a nearby park as we see swans wading in a small lake. We then pan over to see Jimmy and his friend fishing on the side of the lake.''

Doug: [as the driver] You hear the one about the black Jewish female Pollock who wasn’t a human being? [as Jimmy] It’s the 1950s! That’s every joke I hear! [after a few seconds…] Yes, little do you know that gays and pedophiles are the exact same thing.

Cut to shots of them fishing and eating a picnic lunch.

Williams: The following Saturday, they went fishing together. By now, they were using first names. Ralph said it was more friendly.

Doug: [as Jimmy] Thanks a lot, Mr. Gaylord! [as Ralph] Please, call me Flaming. [the man gives Jimmy a sandwich] Ya like popsicles? [close-up of Jimmy eating the sandwich]

Williams: Jimmy hadn’t enjoyed himself so much in a long time.

Doug: [chuckling] Little did he know that the best was yet to come.

Ralph then reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out something.

Williams: Then, during lunch, Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures.

Doug: Whoa!

Williams: Jimmy knew he shouldn’t be interested; but, well, he was curious. [Doug snickers again] What Jimmy didn’t know was that Ralph was sick. A sickness that was not visible like smallpox…

Doug: Or dark skin.

Jimmy looks unsure what to think or say about what he’s just seen.

Williams: …but no less dangerous and contagious: a sickness of the mind. You see, Ralph was a homosexual…

Doug: [screaming] AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

We dissolve to the two walking away from the park.

Williams: …a person who demands an intimate relationship with members of their own sex.

Doug: [as Ralph] We can’t stop here! This is bat country.

Williams: But by now, Jimmy felt a fondness for Ralph; and they continued to go places together. [dissolve to them on a miniature golf course] Ralph was generous and took Jimmy many interesting places and did many nice things for him.

Doug: He took him to the most horrible hangouts, like the manicurist and Mamma Mia!

Dissolve to them presumably walking to Ralph’s apartment.

Williams: He bought presents and even gave him money, but payments were expected in return.

Doug: Oh, boy.

Williams: You see, Jimmy hadn’t recognized Ralph’s approach soon enough. When Ralph first asked Jimmy to go fishing alone, he should have discussed it with his parents or teacher.

Doug: Ralph now uses his telepathic gay powers to keep Jimmy from leaving.

We dissolve to the police station from before, where we see Jimmy and his parents walking out.

Williams: Finally, Jimmy told his parents; and they reported it to the Juvenile authorities. Ralph was arrested, and Jimmy was released on probation in the custody of his parents.

Doug: [as Jimmy’s dad, who consoles his son] Don’t worry. We’ll wash the gay out of you.

We dissolve to a basketball court, as we see kids playing some b-ball while a man in a suit watches from a nearby park bench.

Williams: But all homosexuals are not passive. [Doug chuckles] Some resort to violence, as in the case of Mike Merritt.

Doug: Mike Merritt: the very name invites douchebaggery.

Williams: In the heat of competition, no one noticed the man who sat and watched.

Doug: I think that’s the coach.

Williams: And when the game broke up and the others left, Mike decided to stay and practice a little longer.

Doug: Wait, is Mike the kid or the predator? Be more specific, movie; I can’t judge BOTH of them unfairly!

Eventually, the stranger catches the b-ball from one of Mike’s missed shots and shoots along with him.

Williams: The stranger joined him. He was friendly; and, well, it was better than playing alone.

Doug: He just got done eating kittens and rubbing himself in chicken blood.

Williams: Then after a few shots, Mike realized he had already overstayed his time and suggested he better leave. [we notice here the stranger’s also wearing a bow-tie; okay…] The stranger told him if he’d like to stay longer, he’d be glad to drive him home when they finished. Sounded great to Mike! A chance to play longer and get a ride home, too!

Doug: Of course, he had no idea that Chris Hansen’s Dateline Special was just a phone call away. [as Mr. Wiseau while we have a close-up of the stranger] I play in my tux because I went to the Tommy Wiseau School of Sports! [laughs like him, too; after a few seconds, he says this as Mike] Didn’t Sonic Says tell me something about this?

The stranger notices his watch and motions Mike to come along with him.

Williams: When they finished, the stranger told him he’d make a fine player someday if he got lots of practice.

Doug: Despite his whiteness.

The two leave the court together in the stranger’s car.

Williams: The companionship, the praise, the friendly attitude dispelled any misgivings Mike might have had about going with a stranger. He probably never realized until too late that he was riding in the shadow of death.

Doug: Odd name for a car.

Williams: But sometime that evening, Mike Merritt traded his life for a newspaper headline.

We dissolve to a close-up of two kids gathering newspapers together for their paper routes on bicycles.

Doug: News flash: Gays, pedophiles, and the Devil are all the same!

Williams: As Denny and Jerry got the papers ready for Jerry’s afternoon delivery, they only casually noticed the two boys that raced by in the afternoon traffic. [which they do]

Doug: [as one of the kids] Huh. Well, that’s casual.

Williams: And they didn’t pay much attention to the car that drew up shortly afterwards, until the man called them over.

Doug: Why would he call them that? [as the driver] Have either of you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Williams: Had two boys been by on bicycles? The boys nodded they had. Could they recognize them if they saw them again? Well, Denny guessed he could. “Then, hop in!“ the man said. “Those are stolen bikes!” [underneath Doug‘s next line] Without giving it another thought, Denny got in; and the car sped away.

Doug: [to the tune of the Batman theme] Nana-nana-nana-nana, nana-nana-nana-nana, DUMBASS!

Williams: Jerry watched. He’d been told many times if a friend got in a car with a stranger to write down the license number. [note that he does this very smoothly without showing much emotion]

Doug: Or tell him not to get in the car.

Williams: It didn’t seem to apply, but… well, fortunately, he marked it down.

We dissolve to a few minutes later with Jerry on his paper route.

Doug: Jerry knew something was wrong when Denny called the next day and said he wanted to go floral shopping and watch Gilmore Girls.

Williams: When we delivered a paper to Denny’s house, he asked his mother if they caught the boys that had stolen the bicycles.

Doug: [as Denny’s mother] The fuck are you talking about?

Williams: Denny hadn’t returned, so he told her the story and gave her the paper with the license number.

Doug: [as Denny’s mom] Well, why didn’t he hitchhike like usual? That’s the safer method.

Williams: Being a careful parent, [Doug snickers] she decided to call the police. [we dissolve to a couple of policemen on motorcycles stopping someone in a rather convenient location, as Doug will explain shortly] Jerry supplied the necessary information, and the stranger’s car was quickly spotted. It was a good example of how important it is to always get the license number and description of any stranger who takes a young person off alone, no matter what they tell you.

Doug: Good thing he happened to be driving into that dead end for no apparent reason. [the driver of the car steps out and is ordered to be searched] Yeah, I can see why they deleted this from Leave It To Beaver.

Dissolve to a public restroom at another outdoor location.

Williams: Public restrooms can often be a hangout for the homosexual.

Doug: There’s a good start of a story!

Williams: Bobby and his friends hadn’t noticed the man who had been in the restroom when they changed. [that man, dressed in practically all-black, walks behind them]

Doug: [as the bird who flies over the boys] Beware, boys, beware!

Williams: And as it was late, he suggested they take the shortcut under the pier. But the others preferred to take the more traveled way home.

Doug: Well, it’s better than waiting for that kid from Myspace.

''Bobby eventually leaves to go home. After a few seconds, the stranger turns around and walks a good distance behind him. We dissolve to a close-up of the stranger’s feet as he walks on the beach by the pier. At this point, the music is more sinister; it starts with some timpani.''

Doug: Always keep in mind the homosexual’s feet often have musical accompaniment. [as Bobby] I can hear your musically bulbous footsteps!

Williams: When Bobby recognized the stranger as the man in the restroom, the shortcut under the pier didn’t seem like a good idea at all. [after noticing the stranger, Bobby looks off and shouts and waves as if he sees someone he knows and quickly runs off]

Doug: [as Bobby] I’m gonna take the shortcut through the venomous snake pit. [the stranger looks on, as we hear Doug in a Dr. Claw impression as the stranger] I’ll get you next time, Bobby! Next time!

''We cut to Bobby, who really did see his friends, run up to them. The music changes back to the “bright and shiny” music from the beginning of the film.''

Williams: After all, it’s more fun to stay with your friends anyway. Bobby had made a wise decision. It may have saved his life.

Doug: And, even better, kept him straight.

We dissolve back to the lieutenant driving along.

Williams: The decision is always yours…

Doug: Hetero or HELL!

Williams: …and your whole future may depend on making the right one. So, no matter where you meet a stranger, [we dissolve to presumably Lt. Williams’ neighborhood as he parks his car] be careful if they are too friendly as they try to win your confidence too quickly and if they become overly personal. One never knows when the homosexual is about.

Doug: [laughs] Yikes!

Williams: He may appear normal, and it may be too late when you discover he is mentally ill.

Doug: Wow!

Williams gets out of the car, looks at his watch, and walks away to the front door of his home.

Williams: So keep with your group, and don’t go off alone with strangers unless you have the permission of your parent or teacher.

Doug: [as Williams] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to whip myself for thinking about an episode of Bosom Buddies. Remember: prejudice is wrong unless against the right people. [we dissolve to the ending production logo: “The End / A Sid Davis Production”] You should never question authority. Paranoia is your friend, and anything different '''IS EVIL! '''Good night! And enjoy fearing this world though you’ll never understand why!

''Music and caption fade. Credits roll.''

THE END