Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES)

NOTE: Incomplete transcript; still in progress

Exclusive to The Best of TGWTG Vol. 2 DVD

''We start on a close-up of an alarm clock, turning from 9:59 to 10AM. On a wide shot of his bedroom, a fake alarm rings; we see The Nostalgia Critic sit up in his bed, conveniently wearing his hat and white shirt with a (weird) smile on his face. Bright classical music begins and accompanies these next scenes. Close-up on his dresser top where he takes his glasses off the counter. Close-up on his face as he puts on his glasses, still weirdly smiling. We see his closet next as we reaches in, grabbing his jacket and tie. Next are a few quick shots of him putting on the jacket and adjusting his tie and hat; when he finishes, he points at the camera with a very happy (and again creepily weird) expression on his face. Cut to NC exiting his room and down the hallway; the next shot, he's holding the camera in front of his face as he walks and smiles. Cut to a POV shot of him grabbing a milk jug from the fridge and closing its door. Next, we see him at his dining room table eating a bowl of Cheerios 2, the box sitting on the table, thoroughly "enjoying" his meal. Cut to a wide shot of him leaving the dining room when he suddenly notices something on the counter; he picks it up and examines it. The next shot is a POV of the Super Nintendo version of The Blues Brothers game. Back to the previous shot, where he lifts up his arm as if to say, "Oh, of course! How could I forget?" He exits out of shot. Cut of a shot of him walking down a small stairwell, laughing and smiling all the way. Close-up of the game being placed inside the SNES holding dock; afterwards, NC gives it a few loving taps. Cut to the main shot for this review: NC sits down on the edge of his recliner in his living room (still eerily happy) as he reaches down, grabs the SNES controller, and looks slightly off to screen-left as if he's ready to play the game. The classical music stops.''

Caption screen: "10 Minutes Later..."

''Cut to NC in his chair, but the mood is... different. He only has on one jacket sleeve, his tie is almost at a 180-degree turn, and his hat is turned sideways. And he is furiously angry at the game, shaking the controller with both hands. As such, epicly-dramatic classical music is playing throughout this. Severely frustrated, NC throws down the controller, addressing us and wildly pointing his fingers at the camera in anger:''

Nostalgic Critic: '''FUCK THIS GAME! FUCK this game! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! [at this point, he ducks down to grab his gun off the floor] FUCK IT!! FUCK IT!!!''' [with gun in hand, he reappears and ragingly ululates while firing off eight gunshots in the air. The music stops. Exhausted, after a few seconds, he sighs and does a facepalm before looking back up and begrudgingly addressing us:] Well, you did it. Ya bought the DVD; '''good for you. [looks off screen-left for a sec] I guess that means we have to give you something a little extra''', don't we? [looks off again, then mocking enthusiasm] How 'bout a review? Yes, we all enjoy reviews, don't we? [looks off screen-right and exaggeratedly strokes his goatee] Now, what should it be? Hmm... [holds up index finger] I know!! How 'bout a video game [starting to shriek] that really pisses me THE FUCK OFF?!?! Cuz that's all you wanna see, isn't it?! You just wanna see me be angry! [waving his arms over his head like a... well, monkey] Dance, monkey, dance!! [after a few seconds, he sighs again and gives up] Well... waste no time beating around the bush. Let's just take a look at the game that we humans used to call: Blues Brothers. [the music from the video game begins]

Cut to the title screen fading in, followed by game-play clips as NC voice-overs.

NC (v/o): But as of nowadays, people like to call it '''AN UNHOLY DICKSTORM OF SHIT CHEESE!! God,''' this game is awful. The worst thing to be associated with the movie since [cut to a still shot of a scene from:] Blues Brothers 2000!

Cut to NC on his chair, attire now in their normal positions, shaking his finger at us. [He'll be here for most of the review, unless noted. Also, there are normal cuts between game-play and NC unless noted]

NC: Oh, that's right! I fucking went there!

Back to game scenes.

NC (v/o): What makes this game so horrible? What makes you want to give yourself testicle surgery with a spatula?

NC: Well, [dejectedly sighs] I'm sure inquiring minds want to know. Let's take a look at... [brings up his controller] the Blues Brothers game. [looks off at his TV to start playing]

Fade up on the character selection graphic with "Jake and Elwood" standing on either side of a jukebox and smiling weirdly (like NC did earlier).

NC (v/o): First of all, just look at the Blues Brothers. Yeah, they got their basic likeness down; but when did the Blues Brothers fucking smile? Would you think the Blues Brothers were cool if they walked around everywhere like this? [cut to NC on his chair imitating the BB's smile as we hear him ridiculously guffawing; back to the screen, which now is highlighting the Brother to be selected] Well, I guess I gotta pick one of these guys; so let's go ahead and pick Elwood. [Elwood is highlighted and moves behind the jukebox as we hear:]

Game sounds: Rock-rock-rock-rock and roll!

NC (v/o): Really? That's his battle cry?

Game sounds: Rock-rock-rock-rock and roll!

NC: Sounds like Fozzie Bear if he was trying to go all metal. [imitates Fozzie somewhat and throws up the "Devil horns," finishing with another dumb look on his face] Wocka-wocka-wocka-wocka-wock and roll!

Stage 1 title screen appears.

NC (v/o): So, as you can see, we begin with Stage 1 and... [that screen fades out and we fade into the stage itself. With a faux curtain wipe, we see a landscape similar to that of Super Mario Bros. with rotating wooden planks, a spike pit, and records acting like Sonic coins. NC reacts:] Oh, yeah. Oh, this is exactly like the fucking movie. Yeah, with the spikes, the rotating platforms, it being set in the fucking forest... It's literally like watching the film! [jump cut to where Elwood is knocked around by a flying... something] Oh, look at that. Giant killer bees. Remember that from the movie? [jump to Elwood navigating around a rotating spike ball on a chain] Oh, hey, a giany spiky ball on a chain! Remember THAT from the movie?!

NC: What part of Chicago do you think this is supposed to be, Millennium Park? Hell, they got faces that shoot [cut to a photo of the Crown Fountain at said park] water at you, and it's not as strange as this shit!

NC (v/o): Let's see. You gotta get to a jukebox and... [Elwood jumps around, eventually touching the jukebox... rather quickly - you'll see why in a bit. Once that happens, an happy organ chord is played, the jukebox disappears, and a music note appears on-screen, signifying the end of the stage. NC is taken aback:] What, that's it? That's the end of the level? That's, like, the shortest stage I've ever played! [cut back to the start of the stage with an extreme close-up of the time left] Look, the clock starts off at 99 seconds; [cut to the end, similar close-up] and I finish at 84! That's 15 seconds. 15 SECONDS! The time it takes to put the game in the system takes longer than that! [cut to Stage 2 title screen] Okay, so after defeating that "epic" first stage, you move on to the second stage where you fight... [in the game, Elwood shoots records at one of the...] ...possessed killer lawnmowers. [after a few beats] What exactly IS the story of the game anyway? I mean, it doesn't give you a backstory; it just sort of tosses you in the middle of everything.

NC: [sets down the controller and grabs the instruction manual] I'm gonna check the instruction book, cuz I gotta know what kind of story has a possessed killer lawnmover in it. [after reading for a few seconds, he gives us a glaring look. Suspending all logic, he tries to bit into the book but quickly regains his composure and reads it aloud for us:] Okay. "The Blues Brothers... [cut to a slow scan of what he's reading] are back to play the blues. On the way to their first concert..." [cut to NC] "First concert," yeah, cuz they're a little-known, startup band. [back to the text] "...they encounter a jukebox and decide to listen to some good music. But as soon as they approach it, they get trapped by the evil machine! [cut to NC, who smacks his head against the manual; back to the text] Finding a way out will take the Blues Brothers through the sewers, warehouses, and the suburbs of many large cities..." [cut to NC, who address us:] OK, are they in the jukebox, or are they in the city? Cuz I don't know that many cities that have [cut to game play] spikes on the ground and possessed killer lawnmowers! Okay, well, maybe parts of Cicero, but EVEN THEN, that's a big stretch! [back to the text] "Can Jake and Elwood escape from the hungry jukebox and reach Chicago in time for the greatest concert of all time?" [back to NC] Not if they keep feeding us this bullshit story! [he tosses the manual over his shoulder]

Cut to game scenes that illustrate NC's points.

NC (v/o): OK, so the idea of each level is to reach the jukebox before the time runs out, which almost never happens because each level is, like, a minute long at most. I don't even get it. You're in a jukebox, but there's a jukebox inside the jukebox? How are you gonna get outside the jukebox if you keep going INSIDE the jukebox? Ah well, your main weapon is a bunch of records you collect to throw them at ease. Yeah, it's like that [cut to the title graphic of...] Aerosmith game, Revolution X. [brief shot of gameplay from THAT game as NC imitates the voice there] Where's music the weapon! Don't give up! [back to Blues Brothers and normal voice] I wouldn't mind so much, except they always make this obnoxious sound every time you collect a record. [we see scenes where every time Elwood collects a record, we hear a "Yeah!", in rapid succession] It sounds like someone hit Sam Kinison in the balls every tijme you get one of those!

[cut to a Photoshop image of a karate student in traditional garb hitting Mr. Kinison in HIS traditional garb in the balls; every time this happens, we hear the "Yeah!" effect. NOTE: That IS a pretty commonly-used hip-hop sample. Back to gameplay.]

NC (v/o):

NC: the fucking CONTROLS were easy to use!

NC (v/o): And even then, DAMN IT! Fucking chains! Don't explain why! Don't even introduce yourself! Come on, you fucking dog, MOVE!

NC: I swear this game is a sadist of expectations!

NC (v/o): Fuck it, I don't care!

NC: That's why I'm so FUCKING CALM!

NC: Wouldn't they close down these things due to safety hazards?

Dominic (v/o): Oy, what's this?

NOTE: Incomplete transcript; still in progress