The Ultimate Teacher

The Ultimate Teacher is the subject of the 25th episode of Anime Abandon, hosted by Bennett the Sage. The review was posted to ThatGuyWithTheGlasses on April 21st, 2012, and to YouTube on July 9th, 2014.

In this episode, Sage takes a look at comedic takes in anime, and how weird they can be, then proceeds to review one of the most batshit insane anime that practically anyone has ever seen.

Episode Transcript
(Anime Abandon opening)

Sage: As I said before in our last episode, the Japanese find many things funny, not just perverts and puns. Though that may be the bulk of their comedic repertoire, the Japanese have a soft spot for the screwball comedy.

(Cut to footage of FLCL)

Sage (VO): Titles like Excel Saga, Cromartie High School and, to a lesser extent, Fooly Cooly, have a sense of humor that may have been inspired by Jim Abrams and the Zucker Brothers, but behind the oddball imagery and the breakneck speed of the sight gags, often lies a satire on some facet of Japanese society or anime culture itself. This is where a lot of gags and jokes can get lost on an American audience.

(Cut to footage of Excel Saga)

For instance, in the last episode of Excel Saga—the entire premise of which was to push the boundaries of censorship on Japanese television—Excel, on one of her many long-winded and breathless rants, brings up a Sarin gas attack completely as a non-sequitur.

Excel: Even if we imprison little girls and unleash Sarin gas in the subways, the police are too busy having sex with their bosses—

Hyatt: It seems you have been suppressing some anger, yes?

Sage (VO): To an American, this would only be met with glazed looks and slacked jaws.

(Cut to Sage)

Sage: You know…kinda like the rest of Excel Saga.

(Cut back to Excel Saga)

Sage (VO): However, in Japan, this comment was referring to a 1995 terrorist attack in which a Japanese subway system was flooded with Sarin gas, killing 13 and injuring dozens of others. This was meant to be a transparently shocking statement solely to offend. The episode was never aired during Excel Saga’s initial run, and the statement has since been bleeped on the original Japanese audio.

(We hear the same rant again from Excel, except this time in Japanese with bleeps in the appropriate areas.)

Sage: It just makes you wonder how much of the context we’re not getting. And I think that’s what fascinates me about about anime comedies. So it’s with this mindset that I’d like to examine The Ultimate Teacher, made back in 1988 and dubbed in ’96…way back before anyone in America knew that anime could be funny.

(We cut to the show proper)

Sage (VO): I exaggerate of course, but between the piles of ultra-violent action shows that were shipped to the States, seeing something that had a bit of levity to it was a rare occurrence. As such, the dub staff didn’t quite know how to deal with comedy, both in terms of writing and performances.

Sage: So what we have here is an intentional comedy…played completely straight by its own actors. This is going to be hysterical.

(Cut back to the show)

Sage (VO): We begin on a lovely, bright day here in Japan. The monks are sweeping the temples, Chinese bicyclists ride by for…some reason, a black track star is jogging…with a spear…and a Native American complete in headdress rides the bus.

Sage (forced, nervous laughter, with a similarly nervous smile): It’s funny ‘cause they’re all stereotypes…

(Cut back to the same scene)

Sage (VO): That’s one of the weird things about Ultimate Teacher, for some reason or another, you see pointless racial caricatures pimping about for no reason.

Sage: Keep in mind, I said one of the weird things. There is much…much more weird to come.

(Cut back to the show)

Sage (VO): We cut to a run-down school that looks like a bombed-out meat factory in Cleveland. So…basically like any meat factory in Cleveland. You know you’re in a rough school if they actually have a burial plot for killed teachers!

Ultimate Teacher: How beautiful…

Principal: Uh-uh-welcome, I’m the principal! Uh-umm…hehe…

(The Ultimate Teacher turns around, his head taking up most of the shot)

UT: It’s beautiful! Truly beautiful! I feel right at home here!

(Cut back to a wide-eyed Sage. It seems he knows something we don’t…)

Sage: Is that Piccolo from Dragonball Z?

(Cut back to the show)

Sage (VO): Yup, that gruff, monotone voice that doesn’t fit the character at all belongs to none other than Scott McNeil. My God, Scott is horribly miscast as Thunder Hawk here. T. Hawk is supposed to be a goofy lunatic, but he sounds like a demon from the bowels of hell. The moments where he goes from hysterical laughter to granite-voiced hellion is nothing short of whiplash-inducing.

''We get said scene, where T. Hawk is plowing through students for some reason while laughing maniacally. As they fall like rain, Hawk lands gently on a stack of desks.)''

UT: First disciplinary action: Charley Horse Attack!

Sage (VO): Anyways, it seems T. Hawk is the new teacher at this godforsaken school, and the principal could not be happier.

UT: Behold, for I am the ultimate teacher!

Principal: Ultimate teacher?!

UT: A mind that can solve the most difficult problems!

Principal: What a mind!

UT: Stone justice for student delinquents!

Principal: What justice!

UT: And a body tough enough to withstand anything!

Principal: What a body!

(T. Hawk has spread eagled his cape open in front of the principal, and the principal falls at Hawk’s feet and kisses them. Cut back to Sage, doing an impression of McNeil.)

Sage: Hmm…never thought I’d say this to someone trying to blow me, but…higher!

(Cut back to the show)

Sage (VO): Well, so far, the show has been pretty out there, but nothing that really confounds.

Sage: Hmm! Ask, and ye shall receive.

(Cut back to our first truly strange moment of the show)

Principal: Why are you clinging to the wall?

UT: I just love the walls! Isn’t this a-a beautiful wall?

(T. Hawk slams his open hand against the wall so hard that the wall starts to spiderweb and collapse, an effect that carries to the ceiling. Various macabre things—most of them skeletons—fall out of the ceiling en masse.)

Principal: Ahh! Oh no, oh no, this won’t do at all! A-ha—oh, there you two are!

(A gremlin somehow comes out of the wall, too, among the myriad skeletons)

Gremlin: (giddy laugh) Free! Free at last!!

(As we pan out, we see a stone-faced T. Hawk and we see the hallway with skeletons and bats littering the hallway. The hallway looks like it was turned into a level from Ghouls N’ Ghosts. We cut to a dumbfounded Sage.)

Sage: Why do I feel like I just got my third eye opened?

(Cut to the show)

Sage (VO): There’s no context to this, whatsoever. There’s nothing that led up to what you just saw…and no one ever brings it up again.

(Cut to Sage)

Sage: Hell, I presented to you that we should stop calling this the “Big-Lipped Alligator Moment,” and start calling this a “Hitting the Wall and Skeletons and Zombies Start Flooding the Immediate Vicinity Moment.” Or HTWASAZSFTIVM for short.

(Cut to the show and T. Hawk creating massive amounts of mayhem and destruction)

Sage (VO): T. Hawk’s first day on the job goes about as well as you’d expect…if you were expecting a barrage of nonsense and fight posing. But the ruckus is brought to a halt when Botan from Yu Yu Hakusho steps in.

Botan: I am the leader of all the gangs at Emperor. My name is Hinako Shiratori.

UT: NOOOOOOOO!!! YOU…NO!! IT CAN’T BE!!

(Cut to Sage)

Sage: Keep trying, Scott! Eventually your belching out the words will match the lip flaps sooner or later!

(Cut to the show)

Sage (VO): Botan launches a first strike, but she’s no match for Botan’s secret move: a dreaded cramp!

(T. Hawk, in slow-motion, reaches for Botan’s calf in mid-air. He rolls down her sock and uses his thumbs to apply pressure to her calf, creating said cramp. Politely, he rolls her sock back up before they both land, Botan’s leg compromised.)

Hinako: Come on!

(Botan tries to stand, but the cramp is too much)

Sage (VO): T. Hawk goes in for the kill, but Botan frags him good with a move straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.

UT: THE COUP DE GRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!!!!

(As T. Hawk unleashes a flying kick towards Botan, reminiscent of Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, Botan parries the kick and opens the window behind her, causing T. Hawk to fly out the window.)

UT: Oh…shoot!

(T. Hawk plummets to the ground, smashing through what looks like a bridge, and creates a crater in the ground. We cut back to Sage who is stuffing popcorn and has an open Diet Dr. Pepper in his left hand. He takes a swig of his cola, and then we cut back to the show.)

Sage (VO): You know…this is probably the hardest show I’ve ever tried to review because no matter what I say, the material is just gonna outshine me. So you know what? Fuck it! I’m with you guys!

(Cut to Sage, with another handful of popcorn in his hand.)

Sage: Call me Bob Saget because all I’m gonna do is show you clips. I don’t care if this is lazy, this is too damn entertaining for me to care! (Said while quaffing popcorn) Now watch this shit.

(Cut to the show)

UT: What color are your panties? Are they white? Beige? (T. Hawk raises his staff or…is it a shinai?) Flower patterned? Are they chalky? Or string? Made of cotton, knit, or flannel?! Whatever could they be?

(With a single stroke, T. Hawk exposes Botan’s panties…only to be greeted by a pair of bloomers with a small lucky cat medallion on them. As Botan screams in fear, T. Hawk is similarly taken aback by the fact that he was met by bloomers instead of the expected panties. Both continue to scream as Botan’s skit daintily falls to the ground. Cue a shocked look from T. Hawk, then cut back to Sage, taking another swig of his drink.)

Sage: Mm. Now watch this shit!

(A random student with a bokken is assaulting T. Hawk’s nether regions, removing his own underwear [or are they his own bloomers?], but to no avail, as there are more pairs underneath. He tries continuously, and the animation is looped no less than nine times. He continues his efforts as we cut away to other scenes outside the school. Cut back to Sage who is still watching intently, taking another swig of Doc.)

Sage: Oh, shit! Here comes the best part!

(We see the result of the student’s efforts: T. Hawk is standing on a literal mountain of gym bloomers triumphantly, his cape wafting in the breeze. Cut back to Sage.)

Sage: Now watch this shi—

Rob Walker: Sage! What the fuck are you doing?!

Sage: (gasps, with fake shock) Jerry tops! It’s the man! (Eats another handful of popcorn)

RW: Oh, can it, you fucking prick! I can’t let you keep going with your review like this!

Sage: Why not?

RW: Sage, no one wants to watch you watching whatever shitty anime you pulled out of…God only knows what hole! This isn’t reviewing! It’s Tosh-point-fucking-oh!

Sage: (mouth partially full) The Ultimate Teacher is beyond reviewing. It’s nonsense piled upon nonsense, and I, for one, think I should enjoy myself a little! What the fuck am I supposed to do with this, anyway?

RW: Anything but this! Dear Christ, why did we hire you, anyway?!

Sage: Sex appeal?

RW: Ohh! Oh god! It’s like a boa constrictor eating a suckling pig!

(Sage, a mouth full of popcorn again—and with some sticking out of his mouth—makes sassy head tilts in Rob’s…direction?)

RW: I mean it, Sage. I’m not gonna let you off the hook for this one.

Sage: Have you even seen what the fuck’s going on here? How in the hell am I supposed to review this?

(Cut to another strange scene with what looks like a muscle-bound pro wrestler breaking out of what looks like a cabinet. He also has a microwave on his head. He screams and puts a student in a deliberate choke hold. As this chaos is going on, we cut to Rob who is looking intrigued, but more than a little puzzled. Cut back to the show where Botan is in a supermarket.)

Hinako: Kosuke! Ryuichi!

(She stops in the middle of the aisle and watches as a Chinese-looking man—replete with long, thin mustache and narrow topknot—charges at her with a supermarket carriage full of boxes of ramen. We cut back to Rob who reaches for a bucket of popcorn of his own. He starts munching away as well.)

Student: If I’m killed by a microwave oven, I’m never gonna live it down!

(The student is still in the chokehold, but manages to close the microwave door and start it.)

Student: Power…ON!

(The microwave starts and the wrestler screams in anger. Cut back to Rob who is intently watching now, scarfing popcorn. His mind seems to have been changed.)

RW: Hey Sage. You got a copy of this I can borrow?

Sage: Yeah, I’ll—I’ll upload the file later.

RW: Carry on, then.

(Yep, his mind is changed by this glorious insanity. We cut back to the show and resume business as usual. As usual as business is around here…)

Sage (VO): There’s no way to talk about The Ultimate Teacher with any kind of depth. There’s just so much that happens within its 50-minute runtime that any kind of summary would just devolve into a kid crashing his toy cars together. And yet, all of what happens is…strangely…compulsively watchable. Like you’re witnessing the wildest human id run rampant through an animation studio.

(Cut to Sage)

Sage: If you thought this was going to be just some kind of goofy farce of an anime about a teacher trying to wrangle in some unruly students, be prepared to be cock-slapped with this little tidbit: I didn’t even get to the part with the genetic human experiments plot point!

(As Sage messily stuffs his face once more, we cut to the show again.)

Sage (VO): Yes, T. Hawk here is the result of a genetic experiment that crossed his human DNA with that a of a cockroach. Because WHY THE FUCK NOT?

(Cut to Sage, going back to his bag)

Sage: I mean, yeah. The guy’s part cockroach. And the scientist who created him? He’s part spider.

(Cut to the show which…I think I’ve been thoroughly mind-fucked by this insanity.)

Scientist: In order to bring you down, I had my genes recombined with those of a spider, the cockroach’s greatest enemy! I have been reborn as a spider man!

(We get a closeup of what looks like a drill or something attached to spider-scientist’s butt. Cut back to Sage.)

Sage: Oooohhh, Sony Pictures gonna sue somebodyyyyy!

(Cut to the show)

Sage (VO): Yes, I’m aware that I’m glossing over a bunch of stuff that happens in the show but, really? Do you need me to elaborate the plot point about how Botan kicked people’s asses because she wears little girl underpants? And how T. Hawk torments her about it?

(That’s what those bloomers were?! -Ed.)

Sage (VO): Or how about the last 20 minutes of the show is just one gigantic, climactic fight scene that just keeps going…and going…and going.

(Cut back to Sage)

Sage: Mm—if you thought the battle in Revenge of the Sith was indulging, at least that was broken up by other scenes! This is just 20 minutes of them punching each other and a bunch of sight gags!

(Cut to said fight scene)

Sage (VO): Watching The Ultimate Teacher is like a Jackson Pollack painting: you don’t know what you’re looking at exactly, but you will be damned if you can look away. It’s almost beyond description how much chaos and utter ridiculousness is captured here in frame. It takes a special kind of person to legitimately enjoy Ultimate Teacher for what it is, so seek this out accordingly.

(Cut to Sage)

Sage: I mean, for every scene I brought up and showed you guys, there’s at least three others that I didn’t.

(Cut to the bloomer scene again, but this time, T. Hawk speaks)

UT: Lucky Kitty Shiratori Pride Smashing Corps ready!

(A contingent of men march towards Botan with stances like sumo wrestlers, wearing the same kind of bloomers that both T. Hawk and Botan wear.)

UT: Charge!

(The flunkies follow a pattern: they take three steps towards Botan, and then pelvic thrust at her. Um…I don’t…OK. They eventually surround her, and…actually there’s more of them than just that line. We cut away as Botan is hopelessly outnumbered, and back to Sage, who has a nice, balanced diet: a can of Dr. Pepper in one hand, and the VHS in the other.)

Sage: Context is for the weak. Now, I know this isn’t my typical anime review, but this isn’t your typical anime, now is it? But to those of you who feel cheated out of a proper review, I have some good news: my next episode will be a historic one, as we delve into probably my most requested anime as of yet.

(Sage produces a VHS of Akira!)

Sage: ’Til next time…

(Cut to black and credits)

Footage Provided By

 * The Ultimate Teacher
 * Excel Saga
 * FLCL

Post-Credits Stinger
(We get a post-credits stinger with Rob)

RW: Sex appeal! Sure Sage (chuckling), it’s the sex appeal. (Rob breaks down into a belly laugh.)

Doug (VO): Well, it was for me! (Leans into camera frame) I think you’re sexy…