Escape from the Commercials

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, but suddenly, Shia LaBeouf appears in the logo, while the words "DO IT" appear below)

Shia LaBeouf: Do it!

(Then the NC appears, blocking the logo, wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" t-shirt)

NC: Do it!

(He holds up a remote control and pushes a button. And then, like always, we are treated to the same old opening: the clay-animated "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers from ABC)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "Do It!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Shaq Fu
(TV static transition to: Shaq Fu commercial)

Announcer: Shaquille O'Neal, aka Shaq!

NC: Well, anything with Shaq's name on it has to be of quality.

(A montage of commercials showing Shaq is shown, starting with his appearance in an ad for Carnival Cruise Lines, as a Chief Fun Officer)

Shaq: The Carnival 30-Minute Tour!

(Cut to a commercial for JCPenney's, also featuring Shaq)

Shaq: Go big at JCP!

(Cut to Shaq in an Age of Beard commercial)

Shaq: With the Age of Beard, I got my mojo going strong!

(Another clip of the Carnival commercial is shown, showing the (ahem) Chief Fun Officer in the...)

Shaq: Pool! (dances)

(Cut to a clip of Shaq in an ad for Medea Vodka)

Shaq: It's the award-winning Medea Vodka with the world's only personal programmable LED display on the bottle.

(The words on the displays on the bottles read, "SHAQ'S BOTTLE")

NC: Yeah, I guess you'd need some vodka after watching his movies. (a shot of the poster for Madea Gets a Job appears in the corner) As well as some choice words written in lights.

(Cut back to the vodka bottles, with the words reading, "WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK FOR BOO 2")

Shaq: What will your Medea bottle say?

NC: Okay, so, what do we have this time?

(A coach is addressing a team by gesturing toward a wall on which Shaq is displayed)

Coach: This... is your target!

(Cut to footage of the video game Shaq Fu as the coach laughs maniacally)

Commercial Announcer: Introducing Shaq Fu.

NC: Ah, yes, the palette cleanser after watching Kazaam.

(More footage is shown by the coach)

Coach: But first... / Enforcer of justice... / Register– (gasps)

NC: What's even up with this guy?

NC (vo): It's like he's so ashamed to be advertising this product his body is rejecting the idea.

Coach: Justice... / Register– (gasps)

NC: (as the coach) This is Shaq... Fu! It's really... good! I really recommend... Oh, God, I'm going to Hell!

NC (vo): No wonder the villains in this game lost; they couldn't even understand who they're going up against.

Coach: Shaq! / (?) / Sized ''22! (shudders)''

NC: (as the coach) All right, be on the lookout for a guy, sized ''22! (shudders)''

Commercial Announcer: Introducing Shaq Fu. Kung fu, Shaq style.

NC: What exactly is "Kung fu, Shaq style"?

NC (vo): Is it throwing away all left over copies of (Poster for the following pops up:) Steel nobody bought, while building a fort behind (Image of Shaq drinking Pepsi appears in the upper-left corner) Pepsi cans and (Image of Shaq drinking All Sport appears in the upper-right corner) All-Sport?

NC: Hmm, let me check the instruction book.

(He examines the instruction book for the game, which reads exactly as NC described it previously, that it is indeed about throwing away all left over copies of Steel while building a fort behind Pepsi cans and All-Sport)

NC: Wow, lucky guess.

NC (vo): This ad is every level of '90s, with its need to feel EXTREME, wide-angled closeups, black Wonder Woman – I think that was a thing; (One black woman in the room looks like she is wearing Wonder Woman's attire) it's funny for the time period it came out in.

Coach: Sized 22!

NC: It's corny, but a lot (shudders) of fun!

Announcer: Kung fu, Shaq style.

(The coach laughs insanely as the camera focuses on the cover for this game)

Announcer: Sega Genesis and Super NES.

(The shot of Shaq as Carnival's Chief Fun Officer in the pool appears in the corner)

Shaq: Pool! (dances)

Mr. T Cereal
(TV static transition to: Mr. T Cereal commercials. They are animated, and we start with the one that begins with Mr. T on the cereal box coming alive: "Mr. T Cereal Talk No. 1")

Announcer: New Mr. T breakfast cereal.

NC (vo): Speaking of celebrities that were disturbingly on everything...

(In another ad, Mr. T and four kids slide down the wave of T-shaped cereal and land on the ground, stretching out their arms)

Male Singer: ♫ Teamin' up with Mr. T Cereal! / Let's get it on the team, / Team that knows how cool... ♫

NC: Look! (imitates soaring) They're making a T! That means they're the cereal now! (Beat) I don't know, just buy it. Mr. T is on it!

Male Singer: ♫ Teaming up with Mr. T! / Golden sweet crispy T's, / One bite... ♫

(As the song continues, one girl eats the cereal and gives a slightly derpy look in the camera, smiling)

NC: Look at this girl's face.

NC (vo): That's a face that says "I'm being held hostage until you buy this damn thing".

NC: Better Morse code your way out of this one.

(The freeze-frame of the girl's face is Photoshopped so her eyes are blinking "The T Stands for Torture" with the Morse code, beeping included)

NC: (smiles) This is also one of the few cereal commercials that included the PSA.

(We cut back to the animated ad "Mr. T Cereal Talk No. 1" that shows Mr. T addressing the viewers in front of the school)

Mr. T: Mr. T here, and today, I'm talkin' 'bout school.

NC: Oh, hey, hey! I was just kidding! They really did PSAs in these?

Announcer: Mr. T breakfast cereal presents (Mr. T takes out the letters that say...) Mr. T Talk No. 1.

NC (vo): Don't ask where No. 2 is. Apparently, the cereal wasn't popular enough for another commercial.

NC: Which is good, 'cause I had him teaming up with Pee-Wee Herman talking about crack. It was weird.

Mr. T: (to the schoolchildren) So study hard, listen to the teachers, and learn something new every day.

(Back to the previous cereal commercial)

NC (vo): But hell with that ad. We want the one where Mr. T keeps his lines to a two-word minimum!

Background Singers: ♫ Teamin' up with Mr. T! ♫

Mr. T: (to the camera) It's cool! (His face fades into a cereal box)

NC: Yeah. It is cool. But after all the...

NC (vo): ...songs and stunts and action going on saying how amazing it is...

NC: ...do you have anything else to say about it?

Male Singer: ♫ Teamin' up with Mr. T! ♫

Mr. T: (in the exact same shot) It's cool!

NC: (annoyed) That's literally the same recording! You used the same recording twice!

NC (vo): You really couldn't record him just saying "It's cool" in a slightly different way? What do you think the story behind this is?

(We're shown Mr. T, played by Adonis Knight (yes, this is really KJ, by the way), addressing the camera in front of a blue background)

Mr. T: So eat Mr. T's cereal. It's cool!

Director (Doug): (offscreen) Um, that's great, but there's a lot more script to read.

Mr. T: What? I don't say anything, unless I get paid by the syllable! You think I can't see into the future? Look at this cartoon!

(A clip from one advertisement shows Mr. T walking in a swamp and spinning the alligator around)

Mr. T (vo): You should call it "Mr. T and the Twits"! And I don't have long til this shit gets soggy like my nasty-ass cereal!

Mr. T: My popularity is gonna expire. I gotta store enough for the winter.

Director: (offscreen, sighs) Can't you just say "Stay in school" or something?

Mr. T: Oh, you mean like, "Stay in school, so you won't have to do commercials..."

Mr. T (vo): "...for nasty cereal that tastes like crusted rabbit shit?"

Mr. T: I pity the spoon!

(Another commercial shows Mr. T riding in a bus full of kids that don't move a muscle)

Mr. T (vo): "Stay in school, unless you wanna live in a bus with a bunch of kids in spandex tights!"

Mr. T: That's creepy. People would ask more questions.

(The other ad shows Kim doing acrobatics in the cartoon's intro)

Mr. T (vo): Look at this girl. She's swinging on her vagina. How could she do that? That's the devil's work. I know this check can't last long.

Mr. T: You want me to say more? Pay me.

Director: (offscreen) That's all right. I think we got all that we need.

Mr. T: (takes a closer look) Is that camera on?!

Director: (offscreen) Yep.

Mr. T: You motherfu-

(Jump cut to a Mr. T Cereal box)

Announcer (Malcolm): Mr. T Cereal is part of a complete breakfast. And remember: stay in school.

Mr. T (vo): (overlapping the announcer) You pay me! You pay me, goddammit! You don't get PSAs for free! You better give me a cameo in Creed III! (The poster for Creed II is shown, but with Mr. T Photoshopped onto it, and instead of Creed II on the poster, it reads "Creed III")

NC (vo): Yeah, it's silly, but it's Mr. T silly. And that's the coolest kind of silly there is. For me, I'll always have a soft spot for Mr. T Cereal and its commercial, too.

Male Singer: ♫ Teamin' up with Mr. T! ♫

Mr. T: It's cool!

Background Singers: ♫ Teamin' up with Mr. T! ♫

Pee-wee Herman (from Pee-wee's Big Adventure): (audio) I pity the poor fool who don't eat my cereal! Ha-ha!

Street Machine
(TV static transition to: Street Machine commercial. It is set in a futuristic land, and we're first shown a girl getting a video call from a boy)

Boy: I'm gonna beam down to the dunes.

Girl: I'll race you. (puts her helmet visor down and starts riding on her bike)

NC (vo): Here's a bike ad from the 80s, but it's supposed to be set in...THE FUTURE! It's an amazing time where people can unpause footage, mannequins of Matt Frewer wearing loose black shield helmets are all the rage, and bikes are so fast, they beat people beaming down to a planet.

Background Robotic Singers: ♫ Street Machine! ♫

(The girl arrives to the tunes to find the boy teleporting there)

Girl: What took you so long?

(The boy shrugs)

NC: (as the boy) Yeah. Pity we have...

NC (vo; as the boy): ...nowhere to go ever since the apocalypse hit.

NC: (as the boy) Do you wanna make sandcastle again? (offscreen, as the girl) That's all we ever do!!

NC (vo): Yeah, for a product called "Street Machine", there's not really any streets to use it on, is there? But it's great down neon hallways and giant dreidels covered in saran wrap!

NC: (in a booming voice, as this caption appears again) THE FUTURE!

NC (vo): Like a lot of 80s sci-fi ads, it was weird, made no sense, but was shiny; it was the most high-tech thing ever made!

Singer: ♫ Front brake... ♫

Background Robotic Singers: ♫ Street Machine! ♫

Singer: ♫ Quick stop... ♫

Background Robotic Singers: ♫ Street Machine! ♫

Girl: (to a boy) What took you so long?

NC: Slowest beam ever, by the way. What took that damn thing so long?

(Cut to a clip from Spaceballs)

Commanderette Zircon: Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

(The boy shrugs. The commercial ends with showing the Street Machine bike by Mill's Fleet and Farm and the slogan...)

Singer: ♫ Murray moves you! ♫ ("Moves you" echoes several times)

NC: (confused by the intonation) Weird catchphrase.

Singer: ♫ Murray moves you! ♫

NC (vo; as the singer): (repeating every sentence in the same tone) Did you see the film Lost in Translation? It was really good. He totally should have won that Oscar. (The footage of Sean Penn winning the Academy Award as Best Actor in 2004 for Mystic River is shown. Bill Murray isn't seen applauding in support in the split screen of five nominees) I mean, look at him losing it. He looks so bummed out. You know Sean Penn's gonna get another one anyway. This was Murray's big chance. What a bunch of pretentious assholes. I play politics.

(The commercial is shown again)

NC (vo): It's pretty stupid, but it's 80s sci-fi cheese stupid. I can't act like I don't get a giggle out of it.

Singer: ♫ Murray moves you! ♫

Artilleray and Beam Blasters
(TV static transition to: Artilleray and Beam Blasters commercial from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe; it opens with Skeletor firing a laser at someone with a sword)

Announcer: Now Skeletor charges into battle...

(The laser hits the swordsman, blowing him up; cut to a Skeletor toy on an artillery-type deal being played with by a boy)

Announcer: ...with awesome Artilleray!

NC (vo): Oh, come on!

NC: That's just how (poster of...) Matthew McConaughey says "artillery". Artilleray?

Boy playing with Skeletor: Nothing can stop it!

(Another boy is seen putting a beam-type armor on a He-Man toy; the beam lights up like a flashlight)

Announcer: Nothing, except Beam Blaster! It actually fires a light beam to stop Artilleray!

NC (vo): "Light beam", that's a fancy way of saying, "We just put an awkward flashlight on He-Man's chest."

Boy playing with He-Man: Fire! (flashes the beam, knocking down Skeletor somehow)

Announcer: And block Skeletor!

NC (vo): Yeah, that's not the first time he blocked Skeletor. Remember when they both hit on (image of...) Lion-O at that bar called The Extending Sword?

Announcer: New Artilleray/Beam Blaster set, the first light action weapons ever!

NC: Surprisingly, that's not a very big deal. They're not gonna redo the opening like...

(The title is altered as NC describes it based on the commercial...)

Singers: ♫ He-Man! ♫

NC (vo; as the intro announcer): ...and the Masters of the Dim Reflecting Hand Lamps!

(He-Man is seen charging up as he holds up his sword)

He-Man (voiced by Doug): I HAVE THE BATARAAAAAANG!

(Back to the commercial)

Announcer: But only with a bull's-eye to the evil eye!

NC (vo): You know, outsmarting those must not be that difficult.

NC: (as Skeletor, shining a bright camping flashlight in front of the camera) Ha-ha, I got you now, He-Man!

(As He-Man, NC is seen clapping his hands twice, and the light is out)

NC: (as Skeletor) Damn your palms! (Suddenly, a laser is fired at him, blowing him up)

Boy playing with Skeletor: Give up, He-Man!

Announcer: Figures sold separately. You supply the batteries.

Singers: ♫ I have the power! ♫

NC (vo): A pretty standard commercial for a pretty standard product. I expect more from the Masters of the Universe.

Announcer: The first light action weapons ever, from the Masters of the Universe!

Energizer Bunny
(TV static transition to...two ladies drinking coffee?)

Lady #1: I love the taste of your fresh fruit coffee.

Lady #2: But it's not fresh fruit. It's nutri...

(A pink toy bunny appears on the table before the ladies and slides across it, beating on the drum)

Announcer: Still going.

NC: Yep. Most of us know the Energizer Bunny, but do you know where he started?

(One of the first Duracell ads is shown)

NC (vo): It was actually a parody of a Duracell commercial, which had a bunch of pink bunnies with batteries going out, but showed Duracell lasted the longest.

(The first Energizer commercial with a similar concept is shown)

NC (vo): Well, Energizer shat on that noise, saying they weren't even invited to this test, and not only does their battery make the pink bunny go longer, but their pink bunny has shades!

NC: (gasps mockingly) That means he's in cahoots with attitude! Attitude!

(The bunny "marches" across the black screen with the Energizer logo)

Announcer: They keep going and going...

(The bunny actually continues to slide down to the shooting set)

Director: Stop the bunny, please.

Announcer: ...and going, and...

(More ads are shown, having the same concept: a fictional product is "advertised", but the bunny interrupts it by marching across the screen)

NC (vo): It soon became a running joke as it brilliantly interrupted other commercials. Yeah, you thought you were watching something else, but suddenly...still going.

(One commercial shows two divers underwater)

Announcer #1: ...into an amazing world. Humans...

(The Energizer Bunny appears, drumming as usual)

Announcer: Still going. Nothing outlasts the Energizer.

NC (vo): Yeah, you never knew when he was gonna pop up and ruin a product that maybe you wanted to buy.

(Cut to a commercial starting with a woman thinking about objects that appear in the bubble above: a crying baby, a ringing telephone, and a barking dog)

Announcer #1: Tension headaches this bad need a pain reliever this good. (The medicine appears in the thought bubble) New extra-strength Darnitol.

NC: Oh, really? That sounds like it might be really helpful...

(In a bubble, the Energizer Bunny knocks the medicine out of its way)

Announcer: Still going.

NC: Goddammit! I wanted to buy that! It soothes my head from your dumbass drum!

NC (vo): This bunny is rude. These people are just trying to do their thing, and he keeps getting in the way of it! How would you like if you were just going along your everyday life, and suddenly...

(Cut to NC sitting on the toilet silently and tapping on his phone. Just as said, the Energizer Bunny appears, freaking NC out)

Announcer: Still going. Nothing outlasts the Energizer.

NC: (overlapping the announcer) D'AAAHH!! Ah! A bunny! A bunny! Oh, my God! Oh! A bunny! A bunny! Oh, get it away! A bunny!

(Another ad is shown, with a villain interrupting the meeting by shooting a laser beam at the diagram of the Energizer Bunny)

NC (vo): Eventually, they started hiring assassins to take them out. Shit, this battery business is hardcore!

Villain: (at the control panel, watching the bunny on a monitor) Mr. Energizer Bunny. Your hippity-hoppity days are over! (presses a button to activate a laser)

(We cut to a 1994 commercial that features the Energizer Bunny in a Star Wars setting, showing footage from Episode V)

NC (vo): They were pretty funny for a while, but suddenly, Darth Vader couldn't even take him out. What the shit is this?

Emperor Palpatine: (speaking to Darth Vader kneeling before him) There is a great disturbance in the Force.

(The bunny appears in a carbon-freeze chamber in Cloud City, with smoke coming out)

Emperor Palpatine: Get his battery.

Darth Vader: All too easy.

NC: Why does the Empire even need his battery?

NC (vo): Is it like the Force, 'cause there's a positive and a negative side? This is stupid!

Emperor Palpatine: Get his battery.

NC (vo; as Vader): That seems kind of thrifty. (as Palpatine) While you're at it, close down Bea Arthur's cantina and give Han Solo a name. We are the Empire!

(Vader and the bunny begin a duel. Vader breaks a pipe, and the smoke comes out of it. This, unsurprisingly, doesn't harm the bunny in any way, and he slides around as Vader...fails to strike him down!)

Darth Vader: Impressive.

NC: Boy, Luke's looking like a little bitch by comparison now!

NC (vo): He got his ass kicked by a guy who can't even take out a toy bunny? Vader probably looks at the monkey with cymbals like...

(The classic cymbal-banging monkey toy is Photoshopped onto the stairs)

Darth Vader: Obi-Wan has taught you well.

(Vader's lightsaber deactivates, and it is revealed that it runs on batteries which energy has run out)

NC (vo): But the bunny beats him, because the Empire can't afford better batteries for his lightsaber!

NC: Health care and batteries. That's always where the cuts are.

(Vader raises his fists into the air and screams in frustration as the bunny moves away)

NC: Eh, still more dignified than when he screamed "No".

(This very audio is played over the footage of Vader screaming)

NC (vo): They were funny at first, but got old kind of fast. Nevertheless, this bunny stayed an icon, no matter how annoyingly long it kept going.

(The end of the Star Wars ad is shown)

Announcer: It keeps going and going and...

Vader (audio): NOOOOOOOOO!

PayDay
(TV static transition to: PayDay commercial that opens with a young man calling somebody on the phone and holding a candy. The woman that answers isn't shown fully, only the lower part of her face is seen)

Woman: Hi. Who's this?

NC (vo): I guess "getting your nuts off" didn't always have the same meaning. In this PayDay commercial, a sex hotline gets probably the strangest caller ever.

NC: (nods) And that's saying a lot, given this line of work!

Woman: Who's this?

(A man covers the caption "Caramel Peanut Bar" on his PayDay wrapper with his finger)

Man: Uh...Mel.

NC: (as the woman) Well, your credit card information says "Frank", so I'll just call you Frank.

Woman: Mmmm, what do you think about, Mel?

Man: (eating the candy) Something sweet.

Woman: Mmm, like what?

Man: Caramel.

NC: (as the woman) ...Okay, I'll go with that.

Woman: But caramel's so different. Would you like to deal with that?

Man: I've done covering it with roasted peanuts.

NC: (as the woman) Mmm, did you say "roasted penis"? (as the man on the line) No, roasted peanuts. (as the woman) Oh. Um, am I getting punked by George Washington Carver? (as the man on the line) Who's that? (as the woman) He was a guy who did a lot of things with peanuts. (as the man on the line) Tell me more. (as the woman, astonished) Who are you?!

(The image of a candy bar covered in peanuts breaking in two, revealing caramel, is shown)

Woman: Mmmm. Roasted peanuts in creamy caramel. Oh, wow. You're making me so...

NC: Confused? Concerned? Confused?

Woman: (smiling) ...hungry.

(The candy bar appears in close-up with a tagline, ending the commercial)

Announcer: What you want is a PayDay.

NC: (shrugs) I guess we'll accept this as going well.

NC (vo): What a weird-ass ad. It's very clear why this guy needs to call a sex hotline, but why the hell is he wasting his time talking about PayDays? Christ, imagine he came up with another type of candy!

(Cut to a skit that features Malcolm sitting on the couch and listening attentively to his phone)

Tamara: (on the phone) Hi. Who's this?

Malcolm: Um... (takes out a bar of Almond Joy and covers the "y") Almond Jo.

(Again, we only see the lower part of the caller's face with lipstick on Tamara's lips)

Tamara: Mmm. What are you thinking about, Almond Jo?

Malcolm: Something sweet.

Tamara: Mmm, like what?

Malcolm: Something long and brown.

Tamara: (her smile goes down) I'll do my best with that.

Malcolm: I just want to put a great big nut in it.

Tamara: (starting to regretting this) Again, I will do my best with that.

Malcolm: Depending on how long and brown it is, sometimes two big nuts.

Tamara: I really think there's better hotlines for you.

Malcolm: I don't mind saying that I like a lot of fudge-packing.

Tamara: I don't mind saying that you're really making me regret my job.

Malcolm: And the more coconut I can fit inside, the better.

Tamara: Okay, well, I'm allergic to coconut, so I'm gonna go. Buh-bye!

Malcolm: Wait, wait, wait, no! I was just talking about Almond Joy.

Tamara: Ooohhh! (chuckles) I'm so sorry. I thought this was all stuff you were into.

Malcolm: Oh, no. I'm actually into necrophilia.

(We only hear the sound that means the caller hung up. Malcolm just shrugs and addresses somebody on his left)

Malcolm: I bet you want an Almond Joy.

(This somebody is a skeleton in a blonde wig)

Malcolm: Yeah, I like the quiet type.

(The commercial is played once more)

NC (vo): A dumb ad with a dumb setup and a dumb punchline leaves only one conclusion: this is pretty dumb.

Woman: You're making me so...hungry.

Announcer: What you want is a PayDay.

Chubbles and Chiggles
(TV static transitions to: Chubbles and Chiggles commercial)

Little Girl: When you may see full trouble...

Children: ♫ Cheer up! Here come Chubbles! ♫

(These toys are plumpy polar bears in hoodies with blinking noses and electronic sounds)

NC: Hey, kids! Ever wanted to cuddle up with a toy...

NC (vo): ...that looks like the butthole monster from The Wall? (The image of the worm judge from Pink Floyd - The Wall is shown)

NC: Your mouth says no, but your nightmares say yes.

Little Boy: Need a little giggle?

Children: ♫ And Chiggles, too! ♫

(The Chiggle slides on the table; it is a similar toy, but more fluffy)

Announcer: Chubbles giggle at just about any change of life.

(After a little girl closes the curtain, the Chubble blinks with its nose)

NC: (winces) That's giggling, huh?

NC (vo): Your giggles sound like a security alarm when someone's breaking into your house. You know, that classic pleasant sound?

Little Boy: Chiggles giggle, too! (The Chiggle blinks with its eyes in turn)

NC: Okay, these things are horrifying, right?

NC (vo): I feel like only David Lynch's kids would find these adorable. To the rest of us, they're uncomfortably disturbing!

(NC stares at the Chubble for some seconds as the creepy music plays. Each cut moves NC and the Chubble closer to the viewers. All of a sudden, the toy blinks with its nose)

NC: (frightened) D'AAHH!! God, that's scary!

(The clip from the 2018 Netflix show The Haunting of Hill House is followed, showing the little Nell Crain Vance lying on the couch and looking at the ceiling)

NC (vo): It's like what Nell sees when she's trying to sleep in The Haunting of Hill House!

(We cut several times between Nell hiding under the blanket and the Chubble to make it look she's watching at this toy. When the Chubble "giggles", we smash to black as the scream is heard. Back to a commercial, showing the boy clapping and laughing, with the Chiggle blinking with its eyes)

Announcer: It's fun to have the Chiggles around, because Chiggles giggle at most any sounds.

NC: (grinning) If not, these things will scare you into sleep paralysis!

(Both the Chubble and Chiggle toys are shown)

Announcer: Chubbles and Chiggles. Perfect friends for you.

Little Girl: 'Cause when Chubbles giggle at Chiggles... (Both toys blink with their respective body parts)

Little Boy: ...Chiggles giggle, too!

NC: Chubbles and Chiggles are also two STDs you can get if you're not careful.

NC (vo): Eh...I don't like these things at all, and the ad doesn't make them any less menacing. Just get away from this shit as quickly as possible.

Little Boy: ...Chiggles giggle, too!

Announcer: Each sold separately from Animal Fair.

(Before the commercial ends by fading to black, we quickly cut to a "giggling" Chubble and the scream from before is played again)

Star Trek V on video
(TV static transition to: Star Trek V on videocassette commercial; it opens with a man running up to a counter in a video store)

Man: Hey, do you have any Star Trek V tapes left?

NC: (confused, shifty-eyed) I'm pretty sure you mean another movie.

Black woman: (also coming up to counter, where she taps her finger on it) Where is the Star Trek V video?

NC: Don't tap your finger at me, you entitled bitch; it's Star Trek V!

Old man: You got Star Trek V?

Younger man wearing Star Trek V t-shirt: (making a Spock hand gesture) The Final Frontier?

NC: Okay, you two look like the people who'd be more excited for this.

Another woman: Pleeeeease?

Two women: Any Star Trek Vs?

(Now these customers are starting to be given copies of the movie)

Black man: (taking copy) Ooh, thank you.

Man with coat over his shoulder: (taking copy) Great.

NC: ...You do know it's Star Trek V, right? (holds up hand with all five fingers displayed) Five??

Another woman: (taking a copy) Thanks.

Another man: (taking a copy as well) Fabulous.

Teenage boy: (taking a copy, too) Yes!

NC: ...Star Trek V?! They physically go looking for God?!?

Woman with a baby: (taking a copy) Oh, thank goodness.

NC: (holding up hand) Oh, trust me, lady. I know, I have five babies at home. Star Trek V is perfect for them. It puts them right to sleep.

(Montgomery "Scotty" Scott (James Doohan) beams down to the counter)

Scotty: Would you happen to have Star Trek V?

NC: Wow, Shatner was such a cheap-ass director, he didn't even get you a copy?

Cashier: Yes, sir.

Scotty: ''(holding up the VHS for the movie) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. (The cover is shown in close-up with the tagline "Beaming Down December 21st")'' So tell your dealer you want to see it!

NC: Why the hell do you have to tell your dealer?! It's clearly...

NC (vo): ...the biggest hit in the world, according to everybody!

NC: (as the cashier) Man, who would've thought? We're all out of...

(The photo of an empty shelter in the mall is shown)

NC (vo): ...Star Trek V and Barb Wire.

NC: They didn't do shit in the box office, but apparently, they're the voice of a generation.

NC (vo): Talk about missing the mark. This commercial had no idea how to advertise this movie. It just comes off as unbelievably desperate.

Scotty: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

NC: (as Scotty) You know, the one where...

(The clips of the following are shown)

NC (vo; as Scotty): ...I bumped my head, we all sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and Uhura does that feather dance?

NC: (as Scotty) Oh, Christ, what am I doing? (pretends to throw the VHS away) Take that away from me!

NC (vo): This is definitely one of those ads that's so bad, it's good.

NC: It makes no sense, but it's a pretty good laugh.

Scotty: ''Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. ''So tell your dealer you want to see it!

(James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd himself, appears in the top-left corner)

James Rolfe: I'm sorry. I just got rid of my last copy.

Kellogg's Corn Flakes
(TV static transition to: Kellogg's Corn Flakes commercial. It starts with a boy sprinkling the cornflakes out of the box, but his father takes it)

Father: Oh, I see you've got my Kellogg's Corn Flakes again.

NC: It only figures the whitest of cereals would have the whitest of commercials.

Father: You know, cornflakes are Daddy's cereal, son. And I'm afraid you'd have to come up with a pretty convincing argument to get me to change my mind. (sprinkles the flakes into his bowl)

NC: (raises index finger) Problem number one. A kid is trying to steal his dad's cornflakes. (Beat) Since friggin' when?!

NC (vo; as the boy): Hell with those marshmallows and chocolate! I want the taste of soggy cardboard left out in the rain!

NC: Second... well, just watch.

Father: You'd have to come up with a pretty convincing argument to get me to change my mind.

(As the father sprinkles the flakes, three men in a street gang attire (one is carrying the boombox) enter the kitchen and start... rapping)

Gang Leader: (rapping) ♫ Kids love cornflakes, get what they like! ♫

Gang: Huh!

Gang Leader: (rapping) ♫ They eat it in the morning, and they... ♫

Gang: (rapping) ♫ ...eat it at night! Night! ♫

(NC is seen lowering his head upon seeing this)

Gang Leader: (rapping) ♫ It ain't just for Mommy, it ain't just for Dad... ♫

Gang: (rapping) ♫ All kids like it, and they like it real bad! Bad, bad, they like it real bad! ♫

Gang Leader: (rapping) ♫ So you can't keep your kid out of Kellogg's Corn Flakes! ♫ (closes the door as they leave)

NC: (as the father) Well, you convinced me, son. I am never buying this cereal again.

NC (vo; as the boy): You see, Dad? This is how lame our cereal is; we got these guys for mascots!

NC: At least Toucan Sam never rapped.

(Cut to a 1992 commercial featuring Toucan Sam rapping with a rhino)

Toucan Sam: (rapping) ♫ Another Fruit Loops, and... ♫

Rhino: (rapping) ♫ And I got great taste like... ♫

Toucan Sam: (rapping) ♫ ...Like me, Toucan Sam! ♫

NC: Oh, never mind. This was a...weird time.

NC (vo): I don't even follow. Were these guys just waiting for someone randomly to say they need to be convinced that cornflakes could be eaten by kids, too? Was that, like, their lifelong goal?

(Cut to a skit showing the rappers' gang trudging down the street, with Walter Banasiak playing their leader and Doug carrying the boombox)

Malcolm: I don't get it, man! We've been wandering these streets for years and years? Why are we doing this?

Walter: I told you. One of these days, a grown-up is gonna need convincing that cornflakes aren't for kids, and then, our amazing rap will save the day!

Doug: But why? I just don't get why it's such a big deal.

Walter: (slaps Doug on the cheek) Don't ever question the cornflakes again.

Malcolm: I'm tired and hungry. I haven't eaten since we ate our fourth member.

Doug: I miss Funky Spoon.

Walter: Get it together, guys! Someone's gonna need convincing one of these days, I just know it!

Father (audio): Oh, I see you've got my Kellogg's Corn Flakes again. And I'm afraid you'd have to come up with a pretty convincing argument to get me to change my mind.

(All while it is played, the gang livens up, overhearing this)

Walter: Where's that coming from?!

Malcolm: (pointing offscreen) That house!

Doug: Go!

(They run off. As the audio of the beginning and the ending lines of the rap is heard, we see the caption "One Corn Flakes Rap Later". After this, the gang is shown returning to their previous position)

Doug: (addressing the boy offscreen) Oh, and don't forget: Cornflakes are for kids!

(The gang laughs...and breaks down in tears)

Walter: Oh, my God! It finally happened!

Malcolm: After years, we finally did our rap!

Doug: IT'S OVER!!

(The gang cries some more. They eventually calm down)

Walter: I think we wasted our lives.

Doug: There's no "think" about it.

(The commercial plays again)

NC (vo): Totally crazy and dated in all the wrong ways, this is a lame way to wake up to a lame cereal.

Father: Well, that was pretty convincing, son. (laughs as the boy gives him a smug look)

(TV static transitions to NC)

NC: Setup joke about reviewing a nostalgic commercial that's a real commercial here.

(As before, we cut to black to see a commercial or nothing. After some seconds, we return to NC)

NC: Punchline!

Quiznos Subs
(TV static transition to: Quiznos Subs commercial; it features those hideous abominations known as... (shudder) the Spongemonkeys with huge eyes and toothy mouths; one plays the guitar while another comes up close to the camera to sing what appears in the speech bubbles)

Spongemonkey: (singing obnoxiously and horribly off-key) ♫ WE LOVE THE SUBS!!! ♫

NC: (shuddering) Oh, yeah. These damn things.

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ 'COZ THEY ARE GOOD TO US! ♫

NC (vo): In the early 2000s, Quiznos tried something hauntingly different by introducing the Spongemonkeys. They were Photoshopped acid dreams that looked like villains from Wonder Pets. If you feel they look ungodly and unnatural, fear not, their heavenly voices will win you over.

Spongemonkey: (singing not at all heavenly) ♫ THE QUIZNOS SUBS!! THEY ARE SO GOOD, WE'D EAT THEM RAW. BUT EATING RAW SUBS IS BARBARIC! ♫

(Now the Spongemonkeys are wearing Viking helmets for no reason)

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ WE ARE NOT THE HUNS!! ♫

NC: Ah, thank you for clarifying that. You know, I was looking at you and saying, "I recognize you from somewhere: history books. I recognize you from history books." Clearly, I've seen you in a picture of some sort. The Huns! It must be the Huns. I've seen you in so many history books as the Huns, but you have clarified you are not the Huns. Thank you. Thank you for making that clear. Non-Huns. (After a pause, he becomes frustrated) WHAT THE HELL–

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ THEY ARE TASTY, THEY ARE CRUNCHY, THEY ARE WARM BECAUSE THEY TOAST THEM!!! THEY GOT A PEPPER BAR!!! ♫

NC: (somewhat creeped out) Unless that's a place where Pepper served me alcohol, I'm not interested.

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ THEY GOT A PEPPER BAR!!! ♫

(A montage of movie clips is shown, starting with The Avengers)

Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.

(Cut to a clip of Jurassic Park)

John Hammond: We have a T-Rex.

(Cut to a clip of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery)

Therapist (Carrie Fisher): We have to stop.

(Back to the Quiznos ad)

NC (vo): It only figures a restaurant that appeals to stoned teenagers would have marketing by stoned teenagers. This must have been made up at the last minute while somebody was coming off of Quaaludes.

NC: (as a leader-type) So, what's your ad, person getting paid thousands of dollars to represent us? (as stoned person) Um... Uh... Spongemonkeys! Yeah... Uh... And they got a song... Goes like this, which I'm totally not just making up right now, um... (singing obnoxiously with his hands up) WE GOT NEW SUBS! THERE WAS A SPECIAL PRICE... (as leader-type again) You had me at "Spongemonkeys". (as stoned person) I've waited all my life for someone to say that.

NC (vo): You can even hear the announcer being like...

Announcer (Doug): Quiznos has all-new subs that– Oh, God, what is that? I didn't know that was attached to garbage like that. I thought this was a respectable company! Oh, hell, no, I'm outta here! (Car door is heard slamming shut; muffled inside) Tear up the contract, I don't care! (Car is heard revving up and zooming away) Don't follow my car, I'm not coming back!

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ THEY GOT A PEPPER BAR!!! ♫

NC (vo): It makes no sense, and I guess that's the point, but to their credit, I do remember it. And so do a lot of people. It is what it is. I just don't know what it is.

(The company's logo is shown with the slogan)

Spongemonkey: (singing) ♫ THE QUIZNOZ SUBS!!! ♫

Announcer: Quiznos! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm... Toasty!

Hook toys
(TV static transitions to: Hook toys commercial. A figurine of Captain Hook's ship is shown)

Chorus: (chanting) Hook! Hook! Hook!

(A hook hand tears the screen in half, and we're shown the Peter Banning action figure flying in the air)

Children: Hey, Peter Pan!

NC (vo): Like any hit movie, Hook had action figures to sell, and they had commercials to go along with them.

Boy: (imitating Peter pushing Hook off the deck) Man overboard! (imitating Hook) I can't swim! (Another boy is shown observing this with a wide smile)

NC: Okay, that kid is getting way too much...

NC (vo): ...joy out of Hook dangling there.

NC: He looks like, for the first time, he's feeling shoe power!

NC (vo): Power over plastic Dustin Hoffmans that he would eat upon ridicule!

NC: (nods, grinning) He will taste like victory.

Boy: (imitating Rufio charging at Hook on the raft) Bangarang! Can't catch me now! (imitating Hook) Out of my way, Rufio! (makes the Hook figure to push Rufio aside)

NC: Boy, they really downplayed Rufio's death, didn't they?

Boy: (imitating Hook) Out of my way, Rufio!

NC (vo): Honestly, I feel like a lot of these scenes could be more faithful to the movie.

(Cut to a skit that shows two kids (Jim and Tamara) playing with three action figures (Peter, Hook and Rufio) on the floor)

Announcer (Doug): Now, for preschoolers, Playmobil Hook action figures!

(The girl imitating Rufio and Hook fighting...and Hook impaling Rufio through the chest)

Boy: (imitating Peter) Hook! Noooooo!

(The girl puts Rufio into Peter's hands, and both she and the boy sob during the reenacting of the sad scene)

Girl: (imitating Rufio) You know what I wish?

Boy: (imitating Peter) What?

Girl: (imitating Rufio) I wish I had a dad...like you.

(The girl slightly throws the Rufio figure on the floor, and both kids silently cry. Suddenly, we cut to the close-up of three figures, with the upbeat piano music resumed)

Announcer: Playmobil Hook action figures. (A clip of Julia Roberts' Tinker Bell is shown) Because if a grown woman lusted after a teenage boy all these years, I guess creepy is the new cute.

(The commercial plays out again)

NC (vo): Nevertheless, it's a lot of fun and captures most of the spirit of the film pretty well. A decent toy ad based on a decent movie.

Announcer: Hook figures and attacker raft sold separately. You put it together! New from Mattel.

(Two clips, one from the movie and another from the Top 11 Best Avatar Episodes, are shown at the same time)

Dante Basco/Rufio: You man! You stupid, stupid man!

New Kids on the Block
(TV static transitions to: New Kids on the Block merchandise commercials. Footage of the group performing in concert is shown)

Female Announcer: It's New Kids on the Block!

NC: Yeah, can't act like this wasn't a huge thing.

(More concert footage is shown, followed by their doll forms along with their names. A young girl then shows off her New Kids on the Block collection)

NC (vo): New Kids on the Block had so much merchandise, it was hard to keep track of. But these creepy-ass stalkers will try!

Fangirl #3: I'm their #1 fan! I got all the Kids, a new stage and the New Kids on the Block phone!

NC: (as a girl) I don't even go outside anymore! The dayball hurts my eyes!

(The 900 number commercial with the New Kids on the Block is shown next)

NC (vo): Gotta love it when the New Kids actually made it into an ad themselves.

Donnie Wahlberg: It's 24 hours a day on a brand new hotline!

Danny Wood: Just pick up your phone and call. It's 1-900-909-KIDS!

(Every one of the Kids is shown in close-up during this snippet of the ad)

NC (vo): These guys must have graduated from Nottingham School of Acting, because all of their acting is being nodding hams! (as Jonathan Knight) Look at me, I'm nodding! (as Joey McIntyre) I'm nodding on the phone, girl! Whoo! That's right, I'm nodding! (as Jonathan Knight and Donnie Wahlberg) We're both nodding! Isn't that something? (as Danny Wood) I'm nodding like a dog! All right, I'm serious again. I'm deep.

NC: But the best of these ads are the ones...

NC (vo): ...that pin the fangirls against each other to see who's the scariest.

Female Announcer: Who's their #1 fan?

(Three fangirls describe the items that are shown in the next commercial)

Fangirl #1: I'm their #1 fan! I've got all five concert kids with all five personal interview cassettes.

Fangirl #2: I am! I've got all five concert kids with their cassettes and the New Kids stage.

NC: (as a fangirl) I'm their #1 fan because I'm gonna pay for all their unemployment bills when they're not popular anymore! That's not just dedication, that's practical.

NC (vo): Seriously, how far can these obsessions go?

(We are shown a parody of this ad, starting with Ayanna Wade playing a fangirl)

Fangirl #1: I'm their #1 fan because I collected samples of Johnny's hair to add to my (brings out a...) voodoo doll. He'll go out with me if he doesn't want his testicles in a blender. (giggles)

Fangirl #2 (Heather Reusz): I'm their #1 fan because I've collected enough of Danny's blood to make several clones. (Several fetuses with Danny Wood's head Photoshopped onto them are shown in flasks) Soon, my army of Dannys will rise! (laughs maniacally)

Fangirl #3 (Tamara): I'm their #1 fan 'cause I have Donnie tied up in my storage room.

(Somebody's muffling is heard, and the fangirl's smile turns into an angry and scary frown, as she storms into the closet to address the person that's apparently Donnie)

Fangirl #3: Shut up! Shut your damn mouth! I know you'll love it here! (takes a canister full of gasoline and pours it on Donnie) I have gas out there that I'll charge. You'll entertain! And I know you love living here! You're gonna marry me, we'll have a big wedding! You will BURN if you don't marry me! (takes a lighter) I swear you will burn--!!

(She clicks the lighter, and BOOM! Back to the commercial)

Female Announcer: Who's their #1 fan?

Fangirls: (via split-screen) I am!

Female Announcer: New Kids on the Block concert kids come with cassettes!

NC (vo): A little obsessive, but I guess that was the intent. This ad did a good job making sure everyone tried to be their #1 fan.

Female Announcer: Stage, clothes of kids and accessories sold separately.

(All three fangirls from the parody skit line up to look at the camera)

Fangirl #3: (charred, smoke coming out) Who do you think the #1 fan is?

(The fangirls' smiles change into Kubrick stares to an ominous choir. Fade to black)

Terminator 2 Action Figures
(TV static transitions to: Terminator 2 action figures commercial)

Announcer: Terminator's back!

NC (vo): Yeah, remember when hard R films had kids toys?

NC: How did Batman Returns get in trouble for having Happy Meal toys, and yet a movie with...

(A scene of Todd getting stabbed through the mouth by the T-1000 is shown)

NC (vo): ...countless impalings have these at every Toys R Us?

NC: What can we say? We though the sequel would be more for kids after seeing the first one!

(A scene from The Terminator is followed, showing the T-800 cutting his arm open to reveal his robot mechanisms)

NC (vo): (idiot voice) A FAMILY product!

(The T-800 figure is shown riding in a car)

Announcer: Fight evil with his mobile assault vehicle.

NC: Yeah, remember that from the movie?

NC (vo): I think you're confusing that with Arnold's other vehicle from Batman & Robin. (The Freezemobile from this movie is shown) A film that should have been R on principle!

(The footage from the movie that shows T-1000 in his policeman form fades into the action figure, which is...much bulkier)

Announcer: Disguised as the policeman, evil T-1000 aims to destroy.

NC: Boy, his shapeshifting's improving, 'cause that looks like...

NC (vo): ...nothing like Robert Patrick. It looks more like Tom Arnold escaping questions about Roseanne.

(A boy's hand presses the T-1000 policeman figure's hand like a lever, and it opens a pack of dynamite. One stick flies into a brick wall and crushes it)

Announcer: Evil T-1000 aims to destroy.

NC: Hey, wait a minute. Didn't the movie kind of address this?

(A clip from the second movie is shown)

T-800: It can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts. It doesn't work that way.

NC (vo): Bullshit! Kenner disagrees, he can totally do that now! I think he'd have to be, seeing how their stabbing weapons look like a melting Washington Monument.

Boy: (imitating T-800, as the figure rides away in a motorcycle) Terminated...this time.

(The other commercial shows a contraption that can fill the T-800 form with a grey liquid)

NC (vo): Here's another one that's kinda cool: actually pumping Arnold up with human flesh over the endoskeleton.

Boy: Battle damage!

Announcer: Add flesh compound.

Boy: Terminator created.

NC: There is one drawback, though.

Announcer: Terminator!

Boy: (showing a figurine that only has an ammo belt on) I'm back!

NC: (nervous) Uh, I don't think you're ready to fight yet!

NC (vo): Arnold still got clothes before kicking some ass! (A brief clip from the sequel shows T-800's point of view, where a waitress sees his naked body and smirks at it) Granted, you might be looking for a lot of these looks, but you know, with that package, I don't think you're gonna get much.

(A clip from Dogma is shown)

Metatron (Alan Rickman): I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

NC (vo): Oh, well, despite not being a ton like the movie, the commercials are still pretty creative and captured the tone of...an R-rated gorefest. Seriously, this is so weird.

Boy: (putting a helmet on T-800 before firing a weapon from a machine) The party's over, T-1000. Adios, amigo.

NC (vo; as a boy): Or, wait, was it... (sighs) He said something in Spanish. I don't know. Nobody will remember it.

(The metal doors with the movie's title close, ending the commercial)

Ask Zandar
(TV static transitions to NC)

NC: When you're a toy company, you have to ask the question "What are girls most likely to play with?". Dolls, fashion...

(The Ask Zandar commercial is played, showing three teenage girls speaking to a plastic toy magician in a glass ball)

NC (vo): ...a wizard in a bubble that can predict the future...

NC: A usual! (Beat, still smiling) What was that last one?!

Announcer: Ask Zandar. Wave your hand and he speaks.

NC (vo): "Ask Zandar" is a dating game. No need to rewind the video, I'll repeat it. It's a dating game. About which boy likes you.

Girl #1: Ask him, ask him! Ask Zandar!

NC: This game clearly understands every girl's need to talk relationships with a warlock.

Girl #2: Zandar, am I going to the prom with a geek? Please say no. (waves her hand over the ball)

Zandar: Excellent chance.

(The other two girls laugh mischievously while the second one pouts)

Girl #3: You're going to the prom with a geek!

NC: Lord knows there's no geeks in this room. Ask the wizard another question!

Girl #1: (waving hand over the ball) Do I have a secret admirer?

Zandar: Absolutely.

(The other girls ooh and smile at this "possibility")

Girl #3: He knows everything.

NC: (as one of the girls, waving hand) Is there a future for me and Bobby?

Zandar (voiced by Doug): That's a definite no.

NC: (as the girl, sighs and dials a number to call) Hello, Bobby? It's Melinda. I think it's time we broke up. I really thought we were going somewhere, too, but Zandar told me there was nothing for us. (Pause) Zandar, a magic toy wizard that predicts the future. (Another pause) Could you say that again? Your voice became distorted because you were yelling so loud. Hello? Hello? Hello-

(Back to the commercial)

Announcer: Wave your hand and he speaks. Guess what he predicts, and the winner gets the special fortune granted.

NC: (as another girl, waves hand) Should I pull the plug in Grandma's life support?

Zandar (Doug): Absolutely.

NC: (as the girl) Hmm. That seems a little harsh. She might pull through-

Zandar (Doug): (offscreen) Do it! That bitch has lived too long!

NC: (as the girl, scared) Yes, Master!

Announcer: You will get a phone call about this.

(The girls hear a phone ringing in their room, gasp and smile. One girl in particular bugs her eyes out, which is pointed out by a green arrow)

NC (vo): Look at this girl's face. She isn't amazed the phone rang, she's amazed she stayed in this room so long with too nutballs listening to plastic Gandalf! It cuts before she bolts out the room, slamming the door!

Zandar: Excellent chance.

NC (vo): It's a ridiculous ad for a ridiculous toy, and my prediction is, this will be found at a lot of garage sales.

Announcer: "Ask Zandar", the talking wizard game.

Zandar: Definitely.

(After the commercial ends, we're shown a clip of Gandalf the Grey from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring trembling with tranquil fury)

Pokémon Ball Blasters
(TV static transitions to: Pokémon Ball Blasters commercial. It begins with a black-and-white city shaken by a boy that's holding a picture of it. We then cut to a trash can revealing many Pokémon figurines)

Announcer: Pokémon are everywhere. They're invading!

NC (vo): Well, seeing how many of you were triggered by my joy of Pokémon being destroyed...

NC: (holding something) Safe Place Ball, protect me from reality! (When NC hits it on the floor, a bubble appears and covers him)

NC (vo): ...I guess it only makes sense to look at another Pokémon commercial. This one's for a product called...

(The ending of the commercial is shown)

Announcer: (speaking at a fast pace) Pokémon Ball Blasters...

NC: (shifts eyes in confusion) What's it called?

Announcer: Pokémon Ball Blasters...

(NC sits there with a frozen smile, apparently interpreting this as something else)

NC: I...can't believe I actually have another opportunity to play this, but...

(Cut to a small clip of Mego's Ball Buster commercial)

Father: (to the mother) You're a ball-buster! (The mother turns to the camera and winks)

NC (vo): Okay, to the commercial's credit, I think the item is called "Ball Blasters".

NC: ...Which isn't a ton better!

NC (vo): Apparently, their popularity is so amazing, even Mickey Mouse has to chide them.

(The Pokémon figurines are standing on the sidewalk as the leaves are moving around them. We cut to a black-and-white footage of people trying to walk in the storm)

Announcer: Their whirlwind power blows them away.

Falsetto voice: Oh, no!

NC: Yeah, you know just Bob down the hall was the one who recorded that line.

Announcer: ...blows them away.

Falsetto voice: Oh, no!

(NC, imitating a studio worker, sits down the couch)

NC: (offscreen, as the director) Hey, Bob, our actress couldn't make it in today. Can you just imitate Princess Peach turning into Mr. Bill?

NC: (as Bob, after hesitating a bit) Oh, no!

NC: (offscreen, as the director) Great. Go back to cleaning the toilets. (NC/Bob stands up to leave)

NC (vo): Even Pikachu sounds like he's half-assing it.

Announcer: Can they be mastered?

(A boy's hand takes a Pikachu figure, and it lets down a distorted "Pikachu" that appears as the word next to him)

NC: Shouldn't he be more excited and less...questioning?

(That snippet is replayed. We cut to an animated Pikachu standing in the hall and smoking, depressed. Doug voices both him and the offscreen director)

Director: Come on, Pikachu. Say it.

Pikachu: I'm tired. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Director: Come on, just say it.

Pikachu: You know I used to play Hamlet at the Poké-Theater?

Director: Just say it! I don't even care if you act like you mean it!

Pikachu: (sighs) Pikachu?

Director: Ha! You said the thing that makes us billions! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Pikachu: I hate everything.

Director: Me, too.

(Back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Well, there's definitely one kid that takes this ball thing pretty seriously.

(A very awkward image is shown: Pokémon are jumping inside the joyful boy's pants)

Announcer: You can put Pokémon power in your pocket.

Boy: Gotta catch 'em all!

NC: Kid, he means the pocket in your pants, not your drawers!

NC (vo; as the boy): These suckers are gonna be blasting my balls all throughout math class!

NC: I'm not sure Poké-testicles is a fetish, but if it is, (The clip from the PayDay ad is shown in the corner) we know there'a hotline that'll take 'em up on it.

NC (vo): I guess it's a pretty standard commercial ad and there's nothing annoying about it, but...yeah, it's a little awkward. It's an okay commercial, just don't ask what makes this kid squirtle.

Boy: Gotta catch 'em all!

Announcer: Pokémon Ball Blasters, Power Figures and talking Pokémon each sold separately from Hasbro.

Love's Baby Soft
(TV static transition to: Love's Baby Soft commercial; it opens with a woman holding up a lollipop with a rose on it; this commercial's video quality is much older than most, as NC explains)

NC (vo): Here's an old-school one, all the way from the '70s.

NC: Ah, the '70s. They knew what was sexy back then.

(A montage of shots of sexy '70s imagery is shown)

NC (vo): Charlie's Angels, Wonder Woman, long hair, tight pants. For all its faults, this is a time period that knew how to be hot.

NC: So, (rubs hands together) what sizzling angle are they taking up here?

Announcer: There's one person nobody can resist, and that's a baby.

NC: ...Unusual start.

Announcer: So Love made Baby Soft, with the innocent scent of a cuddly, clean baby.

NC: (stunned) I-I mean, I don't... What?

Announcer: In foaming bath, body lotion, body powder, and body mist. So innocent, it may well be the sexiest fragrance around.

NC: (nervously) Okay, all right, uh, I'm not Jacob from Twilight. I don't look at a baby...

(The woman with the lollipop is shown again)

NC (vo): ...and imagine them at a bangable age.

NC: I just look at them and see a baby!

Announcer: ..that grew up very sexy. Love's Baby Soft.

NC: (shaking head) Love's scaring me right now.

Announcer: Because innocence is sexier than you think.

(NC sits there with a shocked expression)

NC: I never thought of innocence as sexy because I never wanted to! In fact, is an innocence kind of the opposite of sexy? Like, the direct opposite? If you...look in a dictionary or something...would you just say it... (stutters) This feels wrong!

(The commercial ends with a slogan that is shown onscreen)

Announcer: For your baby at Christmas.

NC: Wait, so now my lover's a baby, or it's actually for babies? Both are insanely unsettling. I just want to know what kind of creep I'm dealing with!

NC (vo): This is every layer of "eww" I think you can legally show. It's crazy how this starts off so alluring and quickly turns into super "ewww"!

Announcer: There's one person nobody can resist, and that's a baby.

NC (vo): It's hard to even know what to say! Why do the most disturbing commercials always require babies to be in them?! (A shot from Little Baby's Ice Cream ad is shown)

NC: Does the Agency of Creepy-Ass Commercials just meet up and say, "Not creepy enough! Stick some babies in there!"

Announcer: ...with the innocent scent of a cuddly, clean baby.

NC (vo): This is ewwie. This is so ewwie. I don't like watching it, I don't like thinking about it, it's just...eww! Eww, eww, eww, eww! Shame on all of you and the "eww" you have let loose on the world! EWWW!!

Announcer: Because innocence is sexier than you think. For your baby at Christmas.

NC: (sighs) Look, if there's anything I want to leave you with before I take off here, it's that... Commercials can be creepy, commercials can be scary, commercials can made by very disturbed people...

(After a pause, probably realizing there is no alternative to this sentence, NC gets up and leaves in silence. The end credits start to roll, but then cut back to NC's couch)

NC: (offscreen) Why do these always end so dark?!?

(The credits resume rolling)

Channel Awesome tagline - Black Woman: Where is the Star Trek V video?