Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC)

(After the opening sequence, we fade in to the Critic wearing a sweater and reading a book near a fireplace.)

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Merry Christmas. I know a lot of you were expecting me to have some sort of big explosion of joy and cheer like I do all the other years, but...a lot of people have been saying, "That was kinda scary, and not really keeping with the Christmas spirit." So, to keep me more relaxed, I have a Chill-Pill patch, so it'll keep me completely under control. (The camera shows a Chill-Pill patch on the back of his neck.) So, this year, it'll be a bit more traditional. We have a fireplace, decorations... we even have snow. (Snowflakes start falling -- indoors.) I have no idea how that's possible.

(Malcolm and Tamara enter to applause from the right)

NC: Why hello, Malcolm and Tamara! Got some cookies and eggnog for us this holiday season?

Tamara: Yes, to relax us in this time of...This isn't right.

NC: Huh?

Tamara: This is Christmas. You should be able to celebrate it however you want to.

NC: Sorry, Tamara, but I don't want to scare the sweet people at home with my disturbing obsession. I want to be relaxed, soothing, marketable. That's what people like.

Malcolm: Yeah, you weren't here the previous years. Trust me, this is for the best.

Tamara: (Sighs) This isn't right!

(Tamara exits)

Malcolm: (Whispering to Doug) You're doing great!

(Malcolm follows Tamara out)

NC: And seeing as we are having a much more calm and subdued Christmas, we're going to celebrate with a traditional calm, subdued Christmas special. Here's a little ditty I like to call "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"...Mostly because it's called "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer".

Narrator (v/o): And that's me, Jake Spankenhiemer.

NC (v/o): Spankenheimer? It sounds like a porno that takes place in an S&M dungeon.

NC: (with a German accent) Guten Tag, I am Spankenheimer, und this is my lover, Fuckfinugen.

Mel: Grandma, if this store were mine, I'd sell it.

Grandmother: Cousin Mel, this store will never be yours.

Jake: Oh yeah!

Mel: I'd like to know where Grandma is.

Male cop: She's right, we can work the Santa angle later.

Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.

NC (v/o): Wait a minute! Did she just say old broad?

Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.

NC (v/o): What the hell kind of Christmas special is this?

(Suddenly, without the Chill Pill patch, NC grabs Tamara, and screams in her face! His ensemble is different, his trademark black jacket and tie are back, but he's clad in a green one piece costume which looks kinda like a footy pajama, he wears a red mohawk wig, and facepaint with red ornaments on his cheeks, and trees on his eyes! The background flashes red and green *apologies to epileptics.*! Tamara is understandably SCARED OUT OF HER WITS! Then suddenly, it transforms into... a music video? NC stands alone in a spotlight...)

NC: (Singing) I'm full of Christmas Semen. I don't know what it is but it's HOT.

It's like Heaven's orgasm, inside an oatmeal cookie shot.

(As he sings these lyrics, he slowly zooms in as Malcolm and Tamara both look wary and frightened.)

NC: And when I put my Santa hat on, it's a needle full of Christmas glee!

(He motions towards a Santa hat then appears to inject himself with a needle full of what looks like strawberry jelly. Malcolm and Tamara are even more scared!)

NC: Coating my house in frilly shit, and Disney trademarked intellectual property!

(He gestures towards a pair of moving doilies, as he stalks towards Malcolm and Tamara, and holds up a "copyright document" which says in big bold red print, "THE MOUSE OWNS CHRISTMAS," as what appear to be Mickey and a Disney Princess rise up behind him, and then in a thunder clap, look at Malcolm and Tamara with glowing red eyes!)

Malcolm/Tamara: (Jumping in fear) AHH!

(They make a run for it! They run away as the background changes to a snow-filled area with three pine trees, and a log cabin in the distance. And NC continues with his insanity!)

NC: Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING!

And I fu-FU-FU-'FU- FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! '

(He dashes towards a neighborhood with one house that looks like it has Christmas lights up...)

NC: Setting up the lights so my (The lights illuminate to make it look like it's singing with Critic!) FUCKING HOUSE SINGS!

Cause I'm FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS!

(Malcolm and Tamara run, as NC skips behind them merrily!)

NC: If Christmas was living, I'd fuck it to death!

And then consume its body for its Christmas Breath!

(Tamara and Malcolm run in the hopes to lose this maniac! NC Pirouettes across the field, and then stops in the center!)

NC: Cause it's GROWING! I'M NOT STOPPING!!

And I fu-FU-FU-'FU- FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! '

(With each "Fu", the scene behind him explodes! We then see someone dressed like Jesus standing on a "stage" with a crucifix behind him.)

NC: (Talking) Ladies and Gentlemen! Jesus Christ on the electric guitar!

(And Jesus *which this is a missed opportunity, because it totally shoulda been Santa Christ* begins playing a rock rendition of "Jingle Bells!")

NC: APPLAUD! YOU APPLAUD GODDAMMIT! HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS!!!

I'll buy all things red and green, accumulating mountains of debt.

(Tamara and Malcolm try to flee, only to be blocked by a gingerbread man)

Gingerbread: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!

NC: I'll let it ruin my life, making it the best Christmas yet!

(With another explosion NC and Jesus rise up behind them on top of a giant Christmas tree)

NC: And I'll play those Christmas carols, until my ears will bleed with Christmas cheer!

(Turns his head to show his ears are bleeding)

NC: It'll scare the shit out of you, but it's only getting bigger every year!

(NC pops up behind Tamara and Malcolm, his head on top of a snowman's body, screaming and scaring them away)

(cut to NC pirouettes next to a Christmas tree, before grabbing and humping it 'till it explodes)

NC: Cause it's SNOWING! I love SHOPPING!

And I fu-FU-FU-'FU- FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! '

(Next we see the Rankin/Bass Rudolph and Hermes from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who look up with fear as NC comes in smashing the stop motion set to death)

NC: I'll let those stop motion special scare the shit out of me!

Cause I'm FUCKING BAT-SHIT CRAZY ABOUT CHRISTMAS!