The King and I

(We do the opening for the Nostalgia Critic before we come to him in his room)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk a little history. (the crowd boos) Shut up! You're gonna learn something!

(A picture of Anna Leonowens is shown)

NC (vo): In 1862, Anna Leonowens was given the opportunity (a picture of Mongkut) to teach the many wives and children of Mongkut, the King of Siam. She accepted and later wrote a series of memoirs about her experience called "The English Governess and the Siamese Court." The memoirs were...controversial to say the least. Many saying she exaggerated or downright fabricated her influence on the King, and that she reduced a man who was a Buddhist monk for 27 years into a cruel, extreme, even violent monarch. Years later, Margaret Landon wrote a fictionalized, or...

NC: (finger quoting) "...even more" fictionalized version called...

NC (vo): ..."Anna and the King of Siam," again reinforcing Anna as the revolutionary and Mongkut as the harsh, eccentric ruler. Thailand finally said, "Hey! We've had it up to here with your bullshit! We're going to write our own version for English readers, which will later become Mongkut the King of Siam, and our writings will be placed in the Library of Congress for all you readers to see the truth. Maybe then, America will know the true history of our beloved ki--(suddenly interrupted by a picture of the stage play)--goddamn it!" (Clips from the 1956 movie play) Rogers and Hammerstein's "The King and I" came out, glorifying Landon's book, making her story more popular than it's ever been. So the controversy about one side telling the story continues from here on.

NC: But then another adaptation came out, this time in animated form under the same name, The King and I.

(Clips of the animated movie play)

NC (vo): Animated by Warner Bros. and released in 1999, this movie surely would offer a new outlook on history and myth. Not unlike something like The Prince of Egypt did: Taking a relatively famous tale, but updating it with modern dramatic storytelling while still coming from a different but respectful point of view.

NC: (Taking out Mongkut The King of Siam) Perhaps Thailand's dignified look on their beloved King will finally come to light. So tell me, how does this look back on history begin?

(We start off with a stormy night as a dragon attacks a ship. Anna and her son Louis are huddling together)

Louis: What is it, mother?

Anna: A dragon!

(NC throws the book out and without looking, shoots it with his gun, making pages rain down)

NC: This is the King and I.

NC (vo): Did I see that right? I mean, did I REALLY see that right?! A dragon?! We're starting off the King and I with a FUCKING DRAGON?! What band of bum-diots produced this cinematic idiocy- (Rankin/Bass is credited)

NC: Oh gee! Now it makes sense!

NC (vo): (Clips from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Rankin/Bass; the same animation team who made those stop-motion specials that put more emphasis on the stop than the motion. (Clips from Frosty the Snowman)  And produced a whole slue of what I like to call "awkward-mation." The cartoons that were never good, but you were just so fascinated by how strangely they moved that you have no choice but to keep watching. (Animated King and I clips)  This film doesn't even have that distinction. It has good animation.

NC:...To an extent.

NC (vo): It's good Warner Bros. animation trying to be good Disney animation resulting in BAD Warner Bros. animation.

NC: But honestly, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Let's look at how this film begins.

NC (vo) The governess is being transported to Thailand  during a nasty storm. (Anna trying keep her books on a table, while in the background, Anna's son is seen jumping off the ship through the porthole) Clearly, she's already doing a bang-up duty of her job, as her son is climbing the edge of the boat for his pet monkey. I'm sure she'll do great looking after those kids.

Captain: I should've known it was you.

(Anna and the captain pull her son on board)

Anna: Louis, are you alright?

(Cut to two men watching Anna on the ship through a magic mirror in a dark cave)

NC: (vo) (doing impression of the evil queen from Snow White) Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the loosest adaptation of all?

Kralahome: I'll use this English school teacher to help me de-throne the king.

NC: (vo) Actually, this is the evil prime minister, Kralahome. (cut to scenes of Kralahome in Rodgers and Hammerstein's the King and I) In the original film, he's a stone-faced traditionalist who believe's in the old ways, trying to help the king run a good government but still keep true to his traditions.

NC: This one comes... pretty close. (vo) Here, he's an evil wizard who wants to de-throne the king by using his magic powers to take over all of Siam. Oh, and the Japanese didn't fire at hospitals. (shows clip from Pearl Harbor) What? What?

NC: (vo) Upon hearing that the school teacher is arriving, he come's up with a plan so evil, that it makes rats jump out of his shadow. You heard right, rats jump out of his shadow.

Kralahome: I'll cleverly convince her that our king is a barbarian! (rats jump out of his shadow)

NC: Isn't that like one of the missing Grinch lyrics?

NC: (doing impression of Albert Hague from How the Grinch stole Christmas, singing a parody of You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch) (singing) You're a mean one, Kralahome. You have rats in your shadow. You dance as horribly as a drunk Ricky Ricardo, Kralahome. Thank god the person this is based on is dead and he has no estate to sue you, because if they could, he probably would.

Master Little: No, I don't get it. You're right, but you gonna explain it to me now, huh?

NC: (vo) He also has a sidekick, voiced by Darrell Hammond, named Master Little. Why does he have a sidekick in this version?

NC: Because everybody has a funny little sidekick in this movie! In fact, we can probably just go ahead and start the funny little sidekick count! The monkey (1) Most racist interpretation since Breakfast at tiffany's (Master Little) (2) The Dragon (3)- Eh, okay, we won't count him. But yeah, I'd say let's address the white elephant in the room, but we don't need to..It's one of the funny little sidekicks coming up!

(cut back to the Dragon attacking the ship)

Sailor: What is it?!

NC: (vo) (sigh) And speaking of awkwardness that needs to be addressed, Kralahome does indeed send a dragon to attack them- which doesn't make sense seeing how a second ago, he said he wanted her (Anna) for his plans, so why is he trying to scare her away- and Anna has a foolproof way to fight him off: whistling. (Anna starts whistling) You heard right!

NC: In fact, I'm gonna be saying that a lot in this review. (pulls down graphic with the words YOU HEARD RIGHT written on it) I'm just gonna have it on standby.

NC:(vo) She starts whistling.

Louis: Mother, what are you doing?!

Anna: I'm whistling.

(Monkey mumbles something that sounds like "Whistling?")

Anna:That's what I do when I'm afraid.

NC: (vo) Which of course leads into the famous song.

(The Dragon breathes fire at the ship, which circles around Anna and Louis, and then turns into snakes)

Anna: (singing) Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect. And whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect, I'm afraid.

NC: (vo) Now, in the original (shows clip from Rogers and Hammerstein's The King and I) she tells her son she whistles because she's afraid to meet the king, and sometimes her nerves get to her. (cuts back to the scene in the animated movie) Here, IT'S A FRIGGEN DRAGON! Kill it with fire, spears, rocks, but not a musical number! You should be singing about the wonders of a semi-automatic!

Anna: And whistle a happy tune, (twirls around) and every single time-

NC (vo): Oh, and twirling. Yes, twirling will confuse the savage beast! (Cut to T-Rex from Jurassic Park) Where dinosaurs always based their sight on movement, (cut back to dragon) dragons apparently base their sight on...not-movement. So I guess they eat a lot of rocks. But you want to know the really bizarre thing about all of this? And trust me, it's not an easy sentence to say considering what we put on the screen. No, no. The really bizarre thing about all of this is...IT WORKS!

NC: (pulls down YOU HEARD RIGHT! sign)  Yeah, the monster disappears! (Cut back to scene where the characters whistle and sing as the dragon vanishes in a flash of lightning)

NC (vo): I guess whistling and twirling are now permanent editions to the Naval Defense!

(Cut to the deck of a naval ship with three sailors (Played by Doug Walker, Jim Jaroz and Dayna Munday). A roar is heard from a dragon offscreen)

Sailor (NC): Oh my god! A monster! Quick, you know what to do!

(The sailors begin whistling and twirling to the same song in the film, only for the offscreen dragon to breathe fire on them in response. A quiet cough is heard in the background. Cut back to the film)

NC (vo): So they make it to epca Thailand where Anna is finally introduced to the king, his high fiving panther (Funny Little Sidekick Count: 3), his penis' resime, their cuddly sidekicks (Funny Little Sidekick Count: 4) and of course... his possible multiple wives? Yeah, in the original there's no mistake. They're definitely his wives but here, they never clarify whether these are wives or servants. I guess it doesn't matter either way as we can assume he's putting his dick in them but still, clarity would be nice.