Wiggle

Todd plays "Wiggle" on the piano

JASON DERULO ft. SNOOP DOGG - WIGGLE A pop song review

Todd: I literally just heard this song for the first time, like, a couple days ago.


 * Video for "Wiggle"
 * Snoop: Hey yo, Jason

Todd (VO): I usually stop to think about a song for a while before I decide to review it, but this, just one was... I dropped my drink when I first heard this song. Yeah, it's gonna be one of those episodes, folks. Prepare yourself.

Todd: Yeah, it's another Jason DeRulo song. I'm really sorry. I...


 * Clip of "Talk Dirty"

Todd (VO): ...did not expect to be reviewing another one this soon after the last one, so this might seem a little redundant. But if you need a recap,...

Todd: ...here's what I think about the guy in general.


 * Clip of "Whatcha Say"

Todd (VO): Jason DeRulo is a talentless hack; an emotionally retarded buffoon entirely devoid of wit, charisma, or anything resembling a functioning brain cell; an artist of stunning incompetence whose noxious, simpering vocals depend entirely on lazy Auto-Tune that somehow still emphasizes his pathetic inability a single note on-key in his reedy, punchable throat. He's a malformed rat being clumsily unable to even walk upright who's too stupid to even pity. I wish he'd come to terms with the fact that he's a semi abundant with pig sewage and will stop polluting the world with the audio dumpster juice he calls music.

Todd: I don't like him. Artistically. I don't know what he's like personally. And I feel weirdly alone in this.


 * Respective clips of "Loyal" and "As Long as You Love Me" by...

Todd (VO): I mean, I hate Chris Brown and Justin Bieber, but you know, that doesn't make me special. I'm not gonna blow anyone's mind by saying I think they suck. [Clip of "Trumpets"] But I think I may be the only person who really, genuinely loathes Jason DeRulo. I guess because he kind of blends into the background and people don't notice him enough. Well...

Todd: ...you'll remember this one, trust me.


 * Clip of...

Todd (VO): In the few months since I reviewed it, "Talk Dirty" has continued to be played just as much as ever, and my criticisms of it stand. The premise doesn't make any sense, it exposes a lot of ugly attitudes towards woman and other cultures, and of course, DeRulo's atrocious on it as always.

Todd: In other words, "Talk Dirty" is probably my favorite Jason DeRulo song to date.

Todd (VO): There is much wrong with it obviously, but if you can get past Jason DeRulo's voice, Jason DeRulo's lyrics, Jason DeRulo's personality, and of course, racism, you'll actually find a lot to like about "Talk Dirty", specifically a beat that is probably the best you'll hear in a mainstream radio hit right now. That comes from [brief clip of live performance by...] world beat fusion group Balkan Beat Box, and it is an inspired choice of sample that "Talk Dirty" steals and actually improves in some minor ways, like the orchestra bits and lead-up to the chorus. And that's probably why, though he never really stopped charting, "Talk Dirty" was the first in a while to make people actually remember DeRulo's name. I even heard goddamn ads for [album cover] his newest album, which, in actuality, is just [cover of Tattoos] his last album with some newer tracks mixed in.

Todd: I assume this was done to help cement DeRulo's new direction.


 * Clip of "The Other Side"

Todd (VO): See, DeRulo had always worked in the electronic dance-pop side of R&B, but [clip of performance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!] "Talk Dirty" took him more towards sleazy, down-n-dirty hip hop. And why not? [Clip of "Look at Me Now" by...] Chris Brown made that exact transition when he couldn't play the unthreatening boy next door anymore after everyone found out he was a douchebag. [Clip of "Stupid Love"] And DeRulo was even less credible as a man of romance. Why not play up the sleazy side of his persona?


 * Video for "Wiggle"

So we get his newest song, "Wiggle", which is about every rapper's female body part, [picture of...] the shin.

Todd: [reading note] Excuse me, I misread that. The butt. The buttocks are what this song is about. Take a listen.


 * Snoop: Hey yo, Jason
 * Say something to her
 * Holla at her

Todd: Yeah, Jason. Say something. Really impress her.


 * Jason: How do you fit all that in them jeans?

Todd (VO): Well, this is...

Todd: ...already going downhill. Not the only time, [brief clip of the Black Eyed Peas'...] the song in mind is "My Humps", by the way.

And wait for it... Wait for it...


 * Jason: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
 * Jason and Snoop: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle

Todd presses his hands tight into his face

Todd: Excuse me, I'm just trying to smother myself with my own hands.


 * Jason: You know what to do with that big, fat butt

Todd (VO): I love how the music cuts out and lets that lyric sit there like a protracted, lingering fart.


 * Jason: You know what to do with that big, fat butt

Todd (VO): 'Cause really, what response is there but a long stretch of awkward silence?

Todd: No, let's all just stop what we're doing and think about the horrible, awkward thing that just happened, maybe while glaring in his direction.


 * Jason: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
 * [Crickets chirp over silence]

Todd: Oh, and let's listen to that beat.

Todd (VO): Now, remember how good I said the beat was in "Talk Dirty"? Yeah, well, lightning didn't strike twice obviously. Let's take a listen here.

Transcript in progress