The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Avengers: Age of Ultron."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(singing) There are no strings on-- Spoilers!

There's these guys called the Avengers.

They're sort of an underground thing. Maybe you've heard of 'em.

And they join forces again to find Loki's long, evil stick! (pauses) ...Not that one.

But when Iron Man grabs the stick, he gets this terrible vision.

All his friends are dead, and they tell him that it was his fault and he could've stopped it!

So what does he do?

Creates the evil thing that's gonna destroy us all even though he could've stopped it!

This guy's supposed to be a genius, right?

So he takes the stick and creates this artificial intelligence known as Ultron.

And Iron Man is like, "Now Ultron, I want you to create peace for the world!"

"The only way to create peace is to destroy humanity!"

"Oh, I probably should've programmed in that not being an option."

"Too late. I'm evil now." (runs off yelling)

"You know, for a smart guy I'm pretty dumb."

So Ultron goes after Magneto's...not kids.

Unlike in the X-Men movies where they're...not his kids either.

And the two of them are like (in Russian accent), "We want to destroy Tony Stark!"

"That's what I want to do! (aside) As well as the rest of the human race."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Very well, I will not follow through on what the rest of your plan is and assume that it will benefit me."

"Oh, it will! (aside) If you like to be dead."

"What?!"

"Nothing! The air conditioning in here..."

So Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch...who I never think are called Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch go after the Avengers and start messing with their minds!

"Black Widow! I need you to stop the Hulk from going nuts!"

"I can't. I'm going nuts too!"

"But you're the only one who knows how to calm him down, and for some reason you never taught anybody else how to do it!"

"Well, it's not like you made anymore Iron Man suits for people to wear!"

"Are you for real?"

So Iron Man gets his super-duper-mega-kablooey suit!

Which there's about a dozen other times he probably should have used that at.

And he uses it against the Hulk! ...The Hulk, not Ultron.

Because that's really when I wanna see that suit: Not in the big climax, but to tell the Hulk to calm down.

That suit and Ultron... Peanut butter and jelly-- How did you miss combining these two?

It's okay, though. I got high later. I saw it in my own head.

Actually, I'm still seeing it. It hasn't stopped yet.

Why hasn't it stopped yet?!

So they all take a break from fighting to go and make Hawkeye more interesting.

And Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch suddenly decide to switch sides!

"We want to be on your side!"

"Well, that seemed kinda sporatic."

"Not as sporatic as Black Widow and the Hulk falling in love."

"Oh, she just wants more attention so she can get a toy line."

"She doesn't have a toy line?"

"Well, they said no boy would buy a Black Widow toy."

"Maybe because there are no Black Widow toys!"

"Can we just go back to pretending there's no prejudice in the world?"

"Oh, the Fox News approach."

"Bingo."

So Iron Man, clearly not learning his lesson, decides to make another artificial intelligence in a body.

But through the logic of...comic book science, it seems to work out okay!

(suddenly appears out of thin air) "I am silly-looking purple man with a cape!"

Why am I not laughing my ass off at you?

"You just gotta own it. Like, we will own Ultron!"

Okay, that's why I'm not laughing at you! ...Also, I'm stoned off my ass and you look normal to me.

So Ultron decides to lift a city into the air and smash it down into the Earth like a meteorite.

And the Avengers are like, "We must break this island up into a million pieces! Which, even by this movie's logic, should do some real damage to the Earth, but-- Look! More cameos from S.H.I.E.L.D.!"

(goes by waving) "I'm Samuel L. Jackson and I'm still awesome. Bye!"

So they finally destroy Ultron and everybody seems to be okay except for the Hulk.

"Hulk! Where are you going in that jet?"

"Even though I'm big, green monster who cannot think, I'm suddenly thinking now and I need time to myself."

"No, Hulk, we know what this really is. You just want your own movie again!"

"The other two did so poorly. I just need to know there's a chance!"

"Then why are you flying away from me?"

"Because we both know you're never getting a movie. You can't even get your own toy line!"

"Goddammit!"

(offscreen) "It's not easy being green!"

"Shut up!"

So it looks like they're finally adding more people to the Avengers, with none of them being Spider-Man or Wolverine, so I don't give a crap.

The End!

So "Age of Ultron" was amazing and it makes me wanna create my own superhero!

He's a blue man brought to life with five magic rings that represent all the elements.

I'm gonna call him Howard the Duck!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, it will go to getting Ghost Rider in the next movie! Who doesn't wanna see Nicholas Cage in the Avengers?