Barney's Great Adventure (NC)

(The Channel Awesome logo and opening titles play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's two kinds of Barneys in the world. One is an obnoxious dinosaur nobody likes to listen to, and the other is purple. OOOOHHH!!!

(Screaming "OHHH!!!", NC jumps up from his seat and runs around in a circle around his portrayer, Doug's father, Barney, pointing his fingers at him repeatedly, much to Barney's irritation, all while silly music plays in the background. NC then sits back down again)

NC: This is Barney's Great Adventure.

(The title for this movie is shown, followed by clips of this movie, along with the original Barney and Friends TV show)

NC (vo): Barney is one of the most fascinating children's icons who ever existed, not because he had much lasting value for kids or adults, but because of the raw, undiluted hatred everybody had for him. Unless you were somewhere between the ages of one and five, chances are, you despised this early '90s educational phenomenon. Everywhere you looked, you either saw Barney...

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Animaniacs, showing the Warner siblings cowering at the sight of a Barney-like character (Baloney), who laughs, only to suddenly have an anvil drop on him)

NC (vo): ...or someone making fun of Barney.

(Cut to a clip of In Living Color involving a purple dinosaur (this one very much an actor in a costume), with a girl riding on its back)

NC (vo): There was no one who saw him as just okay.

(Cut to a clip of a Barney-like dinosaur character on a TV show in an episode of The Simpsons)

NC (vo): You either liked him as a little kid...

(Cut to a clip of the "Jurassic Park" music video by Weird Al Yankovic, in which Barney is seen dancing, but a Tyrannosaurus Rex bites his head off, causing blood to spurt from his body while he flails his arms around)

NC (vo): ...or loathed him at every other age. It was kind of amazing.

(Footage of Barney's Great Adventure resumes being shown)

NC (vo): And I'm not gonna lie, I hated this lumpy prune with mouth-guard teeth, too.

NC: (looking up in thought) But it wasn't until recently I started asking myself, "Why?"

NC (vo): I mean, it's for little kids. We don't find ourselves getting this upset at Sesame Street, Dora, Super Why or...

(As he says this, images of all those children's shows NC described are shown, followed by an image of Caillou, which NC doesn't mention by name, and instead mentions the next image being shown...)

NC (vo): ...Word Girl, but something about Barney just ignited a fire within most viewers who have little kids and were forced to watch it. Hell, even people without little kids found themselves repulsed by his... ability to delight toddlers? Yeah, it is weird that we got so angry at this. What's the best way to figure out why he irked people so much? Well, clearly, it's to be irked for an hour and a half, checking out his 1998 cinematic dino dropping. So let's really take a look at why this dead-eyed Mr. Eggplant had really got under people's skin.

NC: (shrugs) Though I think it's safe to say we all have better things to do. Let's willingly take a look at Barney's Great Adventure. (beat) I can't believe I actually said those words out loud.

(The film's logos are shown: Polygram Films and Lyrick)

NC (vo): I am sorry to say I got the pan-and-scan version, as it's the only one I was able to find. This is especially tragic as we'll miss half the action...

(Cut to a shot of the chariot race from Ben-Hur, with Barney at the reins of the chariot in question)

NC (vo): ...during the chariot race.

NC: Not that you need widescreen to see the incredible visuals this movie starts off with!

(Those incredible visuals are...a black screen with a voiceover of Barney and his dino friends)

Barney (Bob West): It looks like everybody's here.

B.J. (Patty Wirtz): Oh, man, this is gonna be so cool.

Baby Bop (Julie Johnson): Oh, I can't wait to eat popcorn...

NC: (looks around confused) Did Barney kidnap me and this is the point of view from my blindfold?

NC (vo; as Barney): Ohh, boy! We're gonna make so much money ransoming off your body parts. Let's count how many toes you have left. One...that was fun! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

(The opening credits are shown in front of a scenery with a large bridge over a river. After that it cuts to the family of the main characters driving to their grandparents)

NC (vo): I'm not sure why it opened with that, seeing how it cuts to the credits pretty quick with a tonally bizarre lounge song playing us in.

Bernadette Peters: (singing) Barney...the Dinosaur...comes knocking-

NC: I keep expecting a half-drunk singer to be like...

(Cut back to the opening with the picture of a variety show singer edited in)

NC (vo; as the singer, drunk): Let me tell you why Barney will leave you after you fail the pregnancy test.

Marcella (Kyla Pratt): Are we there yet?

(Cut to the inside of the family car)

Dad (Alan Fawcett): No, not yet, Marcella.

Abigail (Diana Rice): Oh, it's taking too long.

NC: (as the dad, "driving") We'll get to the end credits soon.

Cody (Trevor Morgan): What's your hurry? They’re dumping us for a whole week.

Dad: Oh, come on, Cody, you're gonna have a great time.

Bernadette Peters: (singing) Oh, I fail to understand...

NC: Sheesh, are we in the cinematic universe of Ordinary People? I thought we'd be singing about Math by now!

(Abigail makes the Barney doll kiss Cody's cheek)

Cody: Get the doll out of my face.

Marcella and Abigail: Talk to the hand because the face ain't home, leave a message at the tone. Beep. (Both of them laugh)

NC: (nodding) I too thought it was brave to make us hate these characters before we even learn their names.

Marcella: That's Barney.

Cody: (annoyed) The whole world knows it's Barney, and he's a stuffed doll!

Dad: Batteries not included.

(The mother and the girls are laughing about this)

NC: (laughing) I love the look the father gives, as if to say...

NC (vo; as the father): My God, you laughed at that? I mean, I find it funny, because I'm drunk. What's your excuse?

(The family reaches Merrivale, where the Apple Day Festival is coming up. A cut into the car shows that the mother is now the driver)

NC (vo): They see there's an apple festival, after changing drivers offscreen...

(Quick cut to a baffled NC, as the caption "Random" appears below him for a split second)

NC (vo): ...but it doesn't look like they're gonna have time for it.

Mom (Jane Wheeler): Don't count on it, okay?

Cody: Oh, great. The one good thing to do in town, we're probably miss it.

NC: No one ever gets how awesome apples are. (image of a Slipknot performance is shown with apples edited over every head of the group members) Remember when Slipknot wear apple masks? That was the shit.

(The family reaches the farm of the grandparents, who are happy to see them arriving)

NC (vo): Their son Cody, though, doesn't seem to be getting into the farm's spirit.

Cody: You don't need cable TV at a farm, Cody. Great scenery.

NC (vo): Cody is played by Trevor Morgan, who you might remember as the bully from The Sixth Sense and, no kidding, Jurassic Park 3. (The scene where Settler's son watches Barney from the latter movie is shown) The one that actually had Barney the Dinosaur in it!

Dr. Grant: This is T-Rex pee? How did you get it?

Eric: You don't wanna know.

NC: (holds up index finger, then looks at the back cover of the DVD box) Ah, so that's the Barney golden shower song I heard so much about.

(Cody grabs the Barney doll away from Abigail and runs around the house with Marcella and Abigail chasing after him)

NC (vo): Cody takes the Barney doll away and runs around the house with it. Honestly, this is nicer than his usual prank of locking kids in rooms with dead people.

(The clip from The Sixth Sense is shown, with Cole Sear having been locked in his room by a bully Tommy, with the mother pulling on the door)

Lynn Sear: (pounding on door) Cole! Honey, honey, can you hear me?!

NC: Who am I kidding? I'd rather be trapped in that room than one with Barney!

Abigail: Cody, where is he?

Cody: (arms crossed, sarcastically) Why don't you "use your imagination"?

(Abigail and Marcella shut their eyes hard, while Cody snickers, refusing to believe this)

NC: I know I'm only five minutes in, but Cody's my favorite character.

NC (vo): I totally want him to be an insult comic at...

(Cut to a shot of a young girl with tears in her eyes)

NC (vo): ...toddlers' birthday parties, along with (image appears in the corner of...) Linus from Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

NC: (holding up index finger) Tell me you wouldn't pay money to see that!

Cody: (confidently) Gee, no Barney.

(Suddenly, however, the shower in the bathroom turns on, getting a surprised Cody's attention)

NC (vo; as Barney): (singing creepily to "I Love You, You Love Me") You diss me, (Abigail and Marcella open their eyes, also surprised) I kill you, / All you've heard about Hell is true!

(Turning around very slowly, Cody reaches for the shower curtain to pull it back, but suddenly, the curtain abruptly opens from the inside, revealing the full-size Barney, who laughs. NC, nonplussed, shrugs and then screams at this sight)

NC: I mean, what else can you say but... (screams again)

Barney: (stepping out of the shower) It's so nice to have a shower after a long car trip.

NC (vo; sighs): So, looking at this eye-a-saurus after all these years, it is hitting me with more clarity why it's so easy to dislike him.

NC: One of the biggest reasons: he's creepy-looking!

NC (vo): When you compare him to, say, (image of Disneyland's...) Disney characters or (image of...) the Muppets, who spent years trying to perfect their designs, you can start to tell why.

NC: First off, the eyes.

(Shots of Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service, Rapunzel from Tangled, and the titular characters from Calvin and Hobbs comics are shown)

NC (vo): They're the most expressive part of the face, so either making them very large and complex or smaller and simpler can make a big difference.

NC: Barney's eyes are both big in the wrong way and small in the wrong way.

(Back to the film)

NC (vo): The actual size of his eyes are tiny, but not simple enough to leave a gentle impact. Yet his pupils are huge and literally glassy, always looking dead stone or possessed by Yoshi Satan.

NC: On top of that, his weird-ass teeth!

(The Disneyland characters and Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem are shown)

NC (vo): Again, Disney and the Muppets rarely incorporated that much dental, unless they want them to look intentionally weird.

(Another montage is shown, this one of shots that shows characters smiling widely: Garfield from the comics, the Joker from Batman TAS, the Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine, Luffy from One Piece, Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove, Smiler from The Emoji Movie and NC himself from the title card of Alien vs. Predator review)

NC (vo): You probably noticed a big smile with a lot of teeth often comes across as domineering, or even a little scary. (as NC's picture shows up) Heck, just look at this asshole! And not making them sharp, if anything, kind of makes it even more creepy.

(A shot of Sonic from the infamously released trailer of Sonic the Hedgehog movie... is shown, followed by images of sharks with HUGE human teeth)

NC (vo): Remember when Sonic had normal-looking teeth? Remember when sharks were Photoshopped with normal teeth? It didn't help anything, it just made shit scarier!

NC: So before Barney even says a word, you're already put off by him!

NC (vo): But, books and covers and all that. Maybe his personality has more charm than I remember.

Barney: A towel, please.

NC: (grinning) Well, Barney bathing naked in front of little kids is certainly a good start.

(Cody is speaking to Barney in the barn)

Cody: Real dinosaurs don't laugh. (imitates Barney's chuckling while Barney laughs himself) There aren't any real dinosaurs anymore. (Barney continues chuckling)

NC: You know, maybe that's another big factor. I mean, that kid just insulted Barney, and all he did was laugh!

(Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop and SpongeBob and Patrick from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie are shown)

NC (vo): Which for some characters could work, but for Barney, you know he's just gonna be happy, and that's it.

NC: And believe it or not, even for little kids, that's not very relatable.

(Clips from Why, Charlie Brown, Why? and Arthur are shown next)

NC (vo): Think about, like, other children's icons stayed with you, because they showed they were more than one emotion.

(A clip from Mister Roger's Neighborhood 's episode that was released in the wake of Robert F. Kennedy's assassination in 1968 is shown)

NC (vo): Mr. Rogers could talk about sad things like death, depression, difficult emotions.

Daniel: What does "assassination" mean? (Lady Aberlin exhales, knowing this won't be easy to explain)

(Cut to a clip from the 1983 episode of Sesame Street that was released after Will Lee (the actor who played Mr. Hooper) died)

NC (vo): Big Bird could feel awful when he finds out he's never gonna see someone ever again.

Susan Robinson: When people die, they don't come back.

Big Bird: (voice breaking down) Ever?

(Another clip of Why, Charlie Brown, Why? is shown)

NC (vo): It's not just one emotion a great children's character can express. It's a gamut of emotions that all kids feel.

(Cut back to Mister Roger's Neighborhood)

Mr. Rogers: To understand those feelings and to better respond to them is what I feel is the most important task in our world.

(Back to Barney's Great Adventure)

NC (vo): Barney would never feel sad or angry or confused; he was just happy all the time, which, after a while, comes across as phony and...even kind of shallow.

NC: And don't get me wrong, I know it's weird to analyze something meant for, like, little, little kids, but part of this analysis is figuring out why everyone else hated him so much.

(More clips from Arthur and the 1983 Sesame Street episode are played)

NC (vo): Part of that may be because we remember relating to other kids in media, because it taught us how emotions and conflict work, as well as numbers and letters. And all they had to do was simply have more than one emotion. Imagine Barney having any other emotion other than happy. It would be crazy, because neither his physical nor emotional design support it. He couldn't have the conversations they had on Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers, because there was so little to him.

NC: Imagine if they did, it just turned out insane!

NC (vo; as Barney): Hi, kids! What does "assassination" mean? (Beat) Is that when someone gets killed in a surprise way? That's what happened, you know. That man killed that other man.

NC: (shakes hands negatively) I can't even keep going, it's just too uncomfortable to process!

(Two more clips from Mister Roger's Neighborhood and Sesame Street are shown)

NC (vo): Yet Daniel Tiger, a sock puppet does it, and it feels more genuine because he isn't obnoxiously happy all the time. Kids can process their emotions, as well as information, without even knowing they're doing it. And Barney flat-out rejects that. All of that, in my opinion, is why he gets on so many people's nerves.

NC: (stunned) Wow. That's impressive. Only a minute of him being on screen, and I figured out why he's such a pain in the ass to everyone. (prepares to leave) Well, I guess I don't need to finish the rest of the movie, and...

NC (vo; as Barney): Wait! You still have an hour of a movie to cover!

NC: But I just found out why you were so annoying. And...surprisingly knowing that doesn't make you any easier to watch.

NC (vo; as Barney): Come on, don't make me quote other serious subjects that shows better than me covered!

NC: Oh, come on, it can't be that awkward...

NC (vo; as Barney): You mean Mr. Hooper died and he's never coming back? Ever? Why not? Ho-ho-ho-ho! Why won't he ever come back?

NC: (disgusted) Okay! God! Your lack of emotional diversity is terrifying!

NC (vo; as Barney): Oh, good! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

NC: (shakes head in shock) I weep for you.

NC (vo; as Barney): Good! Because I can't.

(NC leans forward, frowning)

NC (vo; as Barney): Ho-ho-ho-ho! Kill me.

(In the barn, Barney and the kids play, swinging on ropes)

Barney and Kids: (singing) Imagine, imagine...

NC (vo): So Barney sings about imagination while being happy, whimsical, shoving those who deny him...

Barney and Kids: (Barney kicking his legs out as he swings) Imagine, imagine, and you can be...

NC: (snickers) Well, that was awkwardly staged.

NC (vo): I hear less Barney and more of the guy inside the suit saying, "I CAN'T SEE SHIT! PUSH ME TOWARDS SOMETHING SOFT BEFORE I BREAK MY FRIGGIN' SPINE! (A crash sound is heard) MY FRIGGIN' SPINE!!"

Marcella: (singing) It's with me everywhere I go...

(Barney pushes Cody into a wheelbarrow, takes him for a small ride and drops him out of it)

NC (vo; as Barney): Take this, punk. I'll show you what happens to those who leave my cult. Where's my impaling pitchfork?

Cody: My imagination...is you're about to disappear.

NC (vo): Cody tries imagining Barney away to make him disappear.

(Cody closes his eyes really tight)

NC: (shaking head) Forget it, kid, we've been trying that for years.

Cody: Barney the Dinosaur is not in this barn!

(Suddenly, there is a screen wipe to a later scene, showing the farmhouse at night)

NC (vo; makes a startled yelp): George Lucas took over directing!

NC: Wait, that can't be. (An image of Jar Jar Binks appears in the corner) Barney is actually there.

(The kids and their grandparents are seated on the front porch, with Grandpa Greenfield (George Hearn) and girls sitting on a porch swing)

NC (vo): Cody tries telling his grandparents that there's a dinosaur in their barn and...weird surprise...they don't believe him.

Cody: (spreading out his arms to approximate size) He's very big.

Grandpa Greenfield: Oh, sure, he's big now, but you just wait. These fads come and go.

NC: (nodding) That's the first word of comfort I can relate to in this movie.

Grandpa Greenfield: Cody, I first met your grandmother when I was about your age. (singing, with music in the background) Keep the love light glowing...

NC: A dinosaur in the barn? (waves dismissively) That sounds silly.

NC (vo): A fully-orchestrated song on the porch out of nowhere? That's cold, hard reality.

Barney: (running up) It's beautiful!

(Startled, Cody falls over)

Barney: Whoops. (comes over to help)

NC: (as Barney) Oh, look, he fell! (Camera zooms in on him) By accident. (Eye twitches)

Barney: (helping Cody up) Sorry.

Cody: Sure you are.

NC (vo; as Barney): Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I don't have you marked for death until Tuesday!

Barney: Ralph, a little guitar music, please?

(Ralph, the family dog, wags his tail over a guitar sitting by the front door. Pleasant music plays on it)

NC: I find that highly suspect. Ralph has no guitar pick.

Barney and the girls: (singing) Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

NC (vo; as one of the girls) Wait a minute, is this the same melody for "ABC"?! Barney's music is a lie!

NC: Actually, it is.

(In the corner, an article from the Associated Press is displayed: "Lawsuit Says Purple Dinosaur Owes For 'I Love You' Song")

NC: Fun reading. Google it.

Marcella: Come on, Barney, we're gonna go play in the attic.

Abigail: We're pretending it's a castle.

(The two girls get up from the swing and run into the house, Barney following, while Cody stays outside)

Abigail: I'm gonna be the princess.

Marcella: I'm gonna be the knight.

NC: The torture chamber sounds most apropos.

NC (vo): Cody doesn't want to make-believe, though, so Barney suggests that he wish upon a star.

Cody: (looking up at the sky, as a huge star floats through it) I wish I could have a real adventure this summer. Do things that no one else has done before. That would be cool.

NC: (crossing his arms) Careful what you wish for...

(Cut to a clip of Jurassic Park 3, showing Eric (played by Trevor Morgan, the same as Cody) getting carried off by a Pteranodon)

NC: (smugly) I make no promises that's my last JP3 joke.

(Back to the Barney movie)

Cody: How's that for a wish, Barney? (turns around to see Barney gone) Barney? (looks around)

NC (vo; as Barney, singsong voice): Sleep with one eye open, Cody! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (normal again) The falling star lands in the barn, which turns out to be an egg. The next morning, Cody dresses for a Disney Afternoon commercial, but is shocked to discover not only that Barney is still around, but the film is not above a poop joke.

(Cody accidentally steps in a bit of poop on the ground, much to his and the NC's collective disgust)

NC: God, this is a Lucas movie!

(The footage of Cody stepping in the poop is shown again)

NC (vo; as Cody): Aw, man, Peeyousa! (normal) Downside to having an orchestra play "Old MacDonald"? It can make a C sound like an F sometimes.

Barney and the girls: (singing and dancing a bunch of chickens) With a cluck-cluck here / And a cluck-cluck there / Here a cluck, there a cluck / Everywhere a cluck-cluck...

NC: Barney's Great Brothel (A shot of the poster, with the word "Brothel" instead "Adventure", is shown) was an unpopular working title, but they still managed to keep those lyrics in.

NC (vo): They find the egg in the barn and try to figure out where it came from.

Cody: It's too big to come from the chickens.

Marcella: Maybe it was a big, giant chicken.

(Everyone, including Barney, stares at her)

NC: (snickers) Even Barney had a look, like...

NC (vo; as Barney): "Bitch, you for real? Hoo-hoo-hoo, shut up." (normal) They go to ask the grandparents what it is and– (Baby Bop runs up to them) OH, GOD, HE PROCREATES!

Baby Bop: (waving) Oh, hello! (A small piece of her green skin falls off) My name is Baby Bop!

NC: (as Baby Bop) I'm shedding...

(The camera zooms in on the green piece falling off)

NC (vo, as Baby Bop) ...as you can see from this green falling off me!

NC: (as Baby Bop) Fool, this isn't even my final form!

Baby Bop: And I'm looking for my blankie. Do you know where my blankie is?

NC: (nodding) It's wherever the script is, I'm sure.

(And with that, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes)

NC (vo): So the kids tell the grandparents about the egg. The grandparents say a bird lady down the way might know what kind of egg it is, so they decide to go there.

(The kids travel by horseback through a forest as whimsical-sounding music with a choir is heard)

NC: Forgiveness. We seem to have entered Edward Scissorhands' Jurassic Flicka...Park.