Christmas with the Kranks

(After the opening, we see a Nostalgia Critic, looking very irritated)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"!

(The title is shown, before showing clips from the movie)

NC (vo): This is based on the John Grisham novel. Yes, (cover of "The Firm" by John Grisham is shown) that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system, that, I guess, he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the 50s, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous!

NC: It's so bad I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible.

Voice: Wish?!

(After a small explosion, Santa Christ, along with Malcolm and Tamara dressed as elves, appears)

SC: Did somebody say "wish"?

NC: No. No, no, no. I'm not doing that, Santa Christ, no. I am not going to dignify this review with any kind of effort whatsoever.

Tamara: Well, we put this costumes on for no reason. (Malcolm and Tamara take off their Santa hats)

Malcolm: Care for an Yuletide hamper?

Tamara: You know it.

(They leave)

SC: Wait! Discip-elves! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes! Critic, what's going on?!

NC: This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good I want to devote as little effort as possible to it! (A sad music starts playing) Like the good old days, you know. Before I had a budget or a studio...just talked in from the camera, I didn't have to try as hard. Things were easier and better then.

SC: Well, the said way you were going to put effort into would've made that happen. BUT since you're not interested... (Starts to leave, but NC stops him)

NC: NO! No, no, no! No! I want to give this film the same shit-port delivery it gave me!

SC: Very well, then.

(Dramatic music plays and thunder starts rumbling. NC puts his hand on Santa Christ's shoulder) 

SC: By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snob crossover yet to brought to be back...

NC: Yeah, sorry about that.

SC: Dick. ...I send you to the past!

(An explosion sends NC and SC to...Doug Walker's parents' hallway)

NC: No, this is just my folks' place.

SC: NOT just your folks' place! Your folks' place in 2007! (Beat. NC is overjoyed) A.D.

NC: You mean I can see...?

(NC and SC go into a room with yellow walls, where the first episodes of this show were filmed. We see an NC from 2007, wearing an other black cap and a red shirt, but he's without his red tie. He notices his current self)

NC: It's young me!

Past NC: Holy shit! (He stands up) What's going on here?

NC: Hey, you wanna travel to the future for a day?

Past NC: Really? I get to see all the new ideas Hollywood comes up with?

NC: That's right. All three of them.

Past NC: I'm in!

SC: Come with me, you slightly overweight scamp.

(SC and Past NC disappear back to 2015. 2015 NC sits back down)

NC: Ah... Hello, shitty camera. Hello, shity lights. Hello, shitty movie. This is the cheapest possible review I can give to you. No budget, no cutaways, just one asshole piece of shit talking to another asshole piece of shit. This is Christmas with the Kranks.

NC (vo): The movie opens with a convention center doubling as an airport (LA Convention Center based on what we see), where two parents, played by Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen, are saying goodbye to their daughter who's just off to join the Peace Corps. As we also say goodbye to the only bit of human decency the film will offer us.

Nora: I just need a couple of things from Chip's.

NC (vo): They stop by the store to pick up some items. Or rather... Curtis has her husband go in to pick up some items.

Luther: I didn't bring the umbrella.

Nora: Oh, I need that stuff from Chip's.

Luther: I didn't bring the umbrella.

Nora: Well, I still need it.

(Luther walks in the heavy rain when a car goes through a big puddle and splashes on him)

NC: (as Tim Allen) Eh.. should have done Santa Clause 4.

NC (vo): But he doesn't get the right stuff, so she sends him in again until he gets it right.

Nora: Did you talk to Rex? The butcher.

Luther: I didn't think of asking the butcher where the chocolate was! (Nora is speechless) But I will.

NC (vo): Our main characters, everybody! The Kardashians are too down-to-earth for you. Well, sit back and enjoy these charming a-holes.

"Santa": I really think you need an umbrella!

Luther: You know why I don't want one of your stupidest umbrellas, because I--

(He is cut off when the overhang breaks and dumps a torrent of water on him, causing him to constantly splutter)

NC: You know, there's slapstick, and then there's crapstick. (Beat) I'd much rather eat crapstick rather than watch any of this!

(He reaches for something, but realizes there's nothing on his table)

NC: Oh, right, I don't have any visuals. Um... (Proceeds to "eat" the said "crapstick") Om-nom-nom-nom... Crapstick.

NC (vo): Fed up, he goes to the office to figure out how much they spend on Christmas each year. And, just to give you an idea of what kind of movie we're in for, this is the kind of music they play throughout the entire thing.

(Said music is orchestrated strings with the calculator punches and dings mixed in)

NC (vo): Yep. That Einstein for babies score accompanies the whole film. It's like this music throughout the entire review.

NC: (singing) Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.

NC (vo): Seeing how much money they spend every year, Allen has an idea.

Luther: I'll be right back.

Nora: (giggles) Make sure you shut the curtains.

NC (vo): So she mistakes "I'll be right back" for "I want sex on the table"...

NC: ...a common error...

NC (vo): ...as he explains they should cancel their Christmas party and go on a cruise instead.

Luther: The most luxurious ship in their fleet. Cammen Islands. (acts like he's snorkeling) Snorkeling!

NC: Uh, was that snorkeling or chloroforming? Granted a heavy dose of it would be welcoming at any time.

Nora; Well we can still give our charitable donations to children hospital and of course the church.

Luther: No, this is a total boycott.

Nora: It's $600.

Luther: It's a total boycott.

NC: Yeah, it's part of a complete asshole package. Look, there's even a part where you can sign up for ISIS. Don't you just sympathize with these people?

NC (vo): She horribly agrees, as she forgot we have to put up with them throughout the entire picture, as Allen writes a pointless letter, saying he is not participating in Christmas to his coworkers. He says he's not angry and bitter, yet he so angrily and bitterly hands the letters out.

Luther: I'm not angry, and (waves the letter around in a coworker's face) I... will... not yell "humbug".

NC (as Luther): (pretending to wave a piece of paper around) No, really, I'm not angry, not even the slightest. Say, what's that? (slaps an imaginary person)

NC (vo): Curtis also lets the aunt from "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch" know, and, immediately, anger starts to spread.

Nora: We're not gonna do Christmas this year.

Merry: (scoffs) How do you simply not do Christmas?

Aubie: She's not ordering Christmas cards either.

NC: (as Nora) Don't you know? Christmas is about not embracing variety, and shame those who do!

Nora: We're taking a break! One year off, no Christmas whatsoever. (Merry and Candi are left speechless)

NC (vo, as Candi): I told you this would happen if we let refugees in. (normal) Their block is not especially happy, either.

Luther: We're not buying a Christmas tree this year.

Randy Scanlon: Sorry we had to go up on the price.

Mr. Scanlon: We're making less per tree than last year.

Luther: It's not about the money.

NC: Even though you...clearly said that it is about the money.

(A clip from "Back to the Future" is shown, showing young BIff knocking on young George's head. NC is startled by this)

Young Biff: Hello?

NC: What the hell?

Young Biff: Hello? Anybody home?

NC: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. I cut to random film clips a lot more in the past.

Darth Vader (from "Revenge of the Sith"): NOOOOOOOO!

NC: Yeah, got it.

Ash Williams (from "Evil Dead"): Groovy.

NC: I'm good!

Peter Venkman (from "Ghostbusters"): He slimed me.

NC: Knock it off!

Kevin (from "Home Alone"): AAAAAAHHH!!

(NC gives up on this)

NC: Okay, maybe some of the traditions of the past are a little much, but you know what? It's still great to be back in the good old days!

Sandra Walker: (offscreen) Son, when are you gonna stop swearing?

NC: SHUT UP, MOM! PEOPLE ARE GONNA FIND THIS CHARMING!

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): The boy scouts go and tell the head of the block, played by Dan Aykroyd, about the Kranks abandoning Christmas.

Vic: Becker's at it again.

Luther: Evening, Vic.

NC (vo, as Vic): Enjoying the randomly placed snow puddles the sun didn't melt for some reason?

Vic: But I gotta tell you, a lot of the neighbors are pretty upset.

Luther: If you're trying to make me feel guilty, get off of me.

NC (vo, as Luther): You're just upset because my (picture of) Home Improvment bumped and saved Soul Man.

Vic: Perfect time to put up Frosty.

NC (vo): But, of course, he doesn't stop there, as every house in the block apparently hangs up some giant Frosty decoration...

NC: Oh, come on, you know what never has and never will be a thing?

NC (vo): ...and the Kranks refuse to hang theirs, spreading more misery to the easily offendable.

Walt Scheel: Still working for the Man, huh? Thought they would've made you partner by now.

Luther: I gotta get to work.

Walt Scheel: Have a good one, old man. (Luther freezes in place)

NC (vo): Wow! That's some prime-meat asshole right there.

NC: (as Luthor) Can I have yesterday's asshole? (normal) No, no. You deserve the crème de la crème asshole, straight from the witch's vagina!

Luther: Bah, humbug.

Daisy: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge.

Dox: Wal-Mart called. Said I had to buy my own cheap perfume since Santa Claus isn't coming this year.

NC: (as office worker) Well, at least our Starbucks cups are still celebrating Christmas... (a red Starbucks cup is shown) (as Luthor) Oh, my God! YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM!!

NC (vo): Get a load of this. The neighbors actually line up outside their house, demanding Frosty.

NC: ...Do any of these people work?

Neighbor: We're here for Frosty!

Nora: Oh, they're gonna come back! (hides under the blanket and whimpers)

NC (vo): Oh, come on, lady. Olive Oyl wouldn't overreact this much!

(Nora is calling Luther)

Nora: They want Frosty.

Luther: Well, they can't have him.

Nora: They won't go away.

Luther: Well, don't give them Frosty.

NC (vo): Now, giving in to a demand that would take seconds of no effort is working out great in this stress-free Christmas that we apparently wanted!

Nora: I am the one trapped here, I am the one dealing with this!

NC (vo): Christ, she'll react less to Michael Myers approaching the house!

(Nothing happens. NC looks around)

NC: (raises his voice) I said, "She'll react less to--" Oh, that's right. I don't have any actors. Um... Well, I'll move the camera... Nope! Nope. I'm keeping it still. Simple old days... Um...

(Cut to NC playing Nora with Jamie Lee Curtis' face instead of NC's face)

NC: (as Nora) Mike Myers, you may be the serial killer, but these people want me to hang a snowman! They're much more dangerous!

(Now, it's Michael Myers' mask)

NC: (as Myers) If only I could get you this afraid of me.

NC: (as Nora) Sorry, Mike Myers! It's Christmas Town!

(A long pause. NC removes Curtis' face)

NC: You know, the past is a lot more awkward than I remember it.

NC (vo): She tries driving away, but the neighbors, with clearly sacrificing the art of having a social life, chase her down.

Neighbor #2: Give us Frosty! Please! Indulge me for a second!

(Nora, scared out of her wits, closes the car window on neighbor's hands. The latter falls, but his gloves are still stuck in the window. Nora is scared even more and screams)

NC: (after a beat) You know, "crapstick" is too good a word for this. How about something more fitting, like, um..."slapshit"? Enjoy your slapshit, everybody, which is, (yells) again, something I much rather do than watch any of this!

NC (vo): So to feel better, they go to get a tan from this sexy Oompa Loompa, which, of course, leads to even more confusing comedy.

(One customer suddenly comes in and sees Nora in her lingerie)

Customer: Wow! Wow! Excuse me.

NC (vo, as customer): Oh, sorry. I'm an unexplained mere voiced pervert you'll never see again.

NC: ...Comic gold?

NC (vo): Apparently, they thought the joke would work (chuckling) so well that they actually do it again, only this time, with the perverted priest.

Father Zabrieskie: It's a mall, Nora. I'm Christmas shopping.

Nora: Of course you are.

Daisy: Jeez, lady, make up your mind.

(Father Zabrieskie actually looks at Nora's chest before she covers it with her towel. NC is, well, less than amused)

NC: (after another beat) Notice that awkward silence that's accompanying this entire scene? That's because you're laughing SO HARD at this ingenious setup that they're actually allowing you to laugh at it! It's all considered that way!

(Luther, already tanned, appears)

Father Zabrieskie: Luther?

Luther: Father Zabriskie? Um... (finally realizes that they're in embarrasing situation) Hey.

NC (vo): Yes, because tanning is not God's way! Or...the way of all these onlookers, (four arrows point at them) who clearly have never left their homes and have no idea what's supposed to be inappropriate in the real world. Hell, it even makes the front page of the news. I am not shitting you! The front-page news! What the hell is going on here?!

Nora: (reading the paper) "They're preparing for a cruise, according to unnamed sources."

NC: Okay. I haven't been to (an arrow points to subtitle "Of Oak Park and Riverside" on the newspaper) Oak Park or Riverside recently, as they're not that far away from me, but...this counts as front-page news to them? Seriously?

(A rock appears to the right of NC)

NC: (yelling) Stop the presses, everybody! A rock! (a red caption "ROCK!" appears below) Oh, my God, this is the biggest story ever since (picture of) squirrel! We're on bigger than squirrel! Lockdown, everybody! We have to address the elephant in the room!

(And then The Burger King appears over the shot to an angelic chorus, scaring NC once again)

NC: D'AH! Oh, that's right. I've got up those memes I always tried to force.

M. Bison: Of course!

NC: Okay, did that connect to anything--

(And then appears...what do you think?)

Voice: Big Lipped Alligator Moment!

NC: Yes, it is, but--

(A photograph of Chuck Norris is shown against a firework background)

High-pitched voice: A-CHUCKA-NORRIIIIIS!

NC: Just like that, but--

Charlie: I was frozen today!

NC: Not that this has to do with what I'm reviewing!!

Voice: Boomer...will live.

(A moving drawing of Casper the Friendly Ghost appears, and NC frantically tries to shoo it away)

Casper: TIMING!

NC: STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOOOOP!!!

(As NC pleads for the forced memes to stop, some more of them are shown)

Nick: That's a lot of fish.

Cornelius: Rrrrheumatism!

Dr. Smith: Spiiiiders!

NC: Christ! I thought all these repetitive traditions would be great, but, I'm sorry! I gotta return to effort!

(Santa Christ enters the room, and NC stands up)

SC: What?! You can't go back in!

NC: Why not?!

SC: Because you're supposed to learn your lesson by the end of the video. We're not even halfway through! (points down) Look at little red border*. NC: I don't care! I need to go back, right now!
 * (Note: he means that if someone is watching the video on YouTube, the red border would mean what part of the video is already watched)

SC: Ugh. Fine. But we're violating the screenwriting lessons of Chris Columbus.

(They go back to 2015. Then we see Doug Walker's parents, Sandra and Barney, pop out from behind another door)

Sandra: Let's never have him in the house again.

Barney: Agreed.

(And we go to commercial)

(Commercial ends. In 2015, Past NC is watching something while clicking the mouse. He's appalled and disgusted by it at the same time. The current NC enters the room)

NC: You. Out.

(We see that Past NC is watching the much-despised Hocus Pocus review)

Past NC: What have you done?!

NC: What?

Past NC: Your...reviews! They have more variety, actors and visuals!

NC: Well, yeah. We got evolved in order to stay relevant.

Past NC: I'm seeing reviews where there wasn't even one white wall! (beat) That's your identity! (current NC sighs in annoyance) And some of these don't even have clips from the movie!

NC: Yeah, it's a different kind of review, and they get a lot of hits.

Past NC: But that's not traditional! How the hell can you do a review with no clips?

NC: (with a smug expression on his face) ...Similar to how other critics did for hundreds of years?

Past NC: No! It's not a review! It's just sketches! You're not saying anything about the movie at all!

(NC watches a small clip from this review)

Winifred (played by Doug): '''Our writing is atrocious and makes no goddamn sense! / But you'll laugh because we always used synchronized movements!'''

NC: Yeah, no commentary in this latest.

Past NC: Who knows what this might lead to? Crossovers, anniversary specials, (NC gives his 2007 self a look that clearly says "You don't say") a pointless feud with an angry gamer! And all of them will bomb!

NC: Okay, I don't have time for this.

(He kicks 2007's NC out of his house. Santa Christ is already waiting for him)

NC: Go back to saying "Bat-Credit Card" twenty times!

(SC prepares to send 2007 NC back to his own period, but the latter persists)

Past NC: No! I am not done here yet! (returns to the house through another door)

SC: Well, I tried. (leaves)

NC: (sits back down his chair) So, in an effort to (vo) make you as comfortable as possible, this scene happens.

Candi: It's Bev Scheel, she went for a checkup yesterday. The cancer's back for the third time.

NC: Whoa!

Candi: This could be her last Christmas. (hugs Nora)

Nora: (softy) Sweetheart.

NC: Yikes! (beat) Well, okay I guess we have to take the time to show how this affecting everyone, (Quick jump cut to Luther accidentally stepping on a cat) or we can just return to the goofy music and silly shenanigans!

Walt Scheel: If it isn't old Scrooge himself.

NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. It cuts directly to that, literally after twenty seconds; twenty seconds of them suddenly talking about cancer! Jesus Christ, the bedside manner of this movie is on par with the Canadian PSA.

Woman from PSA: It's a rape whistle.

NC: Merry Christmas!

NC (vo): They even have the balls to cut back to the husband of the cancer patient being an asshole again. What is this movie trying to do?

Walt Scheel: I try to be, old man.

Luther: Stop that.

Walt Scheel: Stop what?

Luther: Stop calling me old man. You're, like, 10 years older than me.

Walt Scheel: Am I?

Luther: Yeah.

Walt Scheel: Well, prove it.

Nora: Walt. I just heard about Bev. I'm so sorry.

NC: You know, if we could bottle this movie and drop it on our enemies, nobody would touch us.

NC (vo): So later on, on the most evenly light block in town, a bunch of carolers come to sing for the holidays. This causes the Kranks to duck and cover for some reason.

(As carolers are singing, Luther and Nora are hiding in the house. Whoever wrote that in the original movie script, you should have re-read that through)

NC: (flabbergasted by how stupid this is) Who the hell does this?!

NC (vo): I mean, I'm not a fan of country music, but that doesn't mean I am going to act anything like this if somebody played it!

(Suddenly NC hears country music and starts ducking down to avoid it. Tamara is revealed to be playing the country music on her laptop)

NC: (continuing to dodge the music) Tamara!...Stop playing that music!

Tamara: Why?

NC: (now dodging behind the corner) Just do it!

(Tamara shuts the music off)

NC: (sighs) Don't ever force me to have those incredibly normal spasms again!

(NC leaves the room as Tamara mutters "freak" under her breath)

Carollers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! (cuts to a close up of Vic's face) Oh what fun it is to ride--

NC (vo): Okay, can we never cut back to Ackroyd singing ever again?

Carollers: Oh, what fun is to sing a sleighing song tonight, hey!