OMG

(Todd plays "OMG" on his keyboard. Text appears reading: USHER ft. WILL.I.AM - "OMG" A pop song review)

Todd: Peace up, a-town down!

''Video of Usher - "Yeah!"

Todd (VO): I had never really bought into Usher before, but he changed my mind in a big way in 2004 with his multi-Platinum Confessions album. Four #1 singles, all of which I really like, especially his worldwide smash "Yeah!" And it's lucky for me I did like that song, because anyone who didn't was probably miserable in the summer of 2004, 'cause that song was everywhere. You could not avoid the guy. By the end of that year, Usher was established as one of the biggest stars of the decade.

Todd: And then...I don't know.

Video of "Love in This Club"

Todd (VO): He just couldn't seem to keep up the momentum. In the next five years, he only had one real major hit—some not-very-good song that I think was about having sex in public or something.

Usher: I wanna make love in this club...

Todd (VO): And worse, he introduced the world to, and put his official backing behind Justin [demonic] Bieber, which in other countries, would earn him a public flogging.

Todd: But you know what? That was then, and this is now, and right now Usher is back and bigger than ever with his album Raymond v. Raymond—an album inspired by the pain and heartbreak caused by the recent breakdown of his failed marriage. In fact, I'm gonna call it right now—Raymond v. Raymond will go down as one of the great breakup albums of all time, up there with [images follow] Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks, Marvin Gaye's Here, My Dear, Springsteen's Tunnel of Love, Beck's Sea Change; and you can see him reveal all that raw emotion on the album's first single, "Daddy's Home".

Video of Usher ft. Plies - "Hey Daddy (Daddy's Home)"

Usher: I ain't gotta do a lot of flexin Shorty you already know what it is And girl tonight we gonna do a lot of sexin Can't nobody do your body like this

Todd: Okay, maybe not that first single. I must've been talking about the second single

Video of Usher ft. Nicki Minaj - "Lil Freak"

Usher: By the way, you got right on it With the chick you wanted And now you in the corner kissin' on a girl I-I I'm bout to have a ménage with these here ladies...

Todd: Okay, maybe not that one either. But I'm sure we get to feel all those searing intimate details on the third single, [cover of single] "OMG", which I assume stands for Overwhelming Marital Grief. No, it stands for exactly what you think it stands for, and not in the sense of "OMG, my life is falling apart because my wife left me." No, it's "OMG, there's a hot girl over there who I'd like to touch with my genitals." And if that makes it sound like some generic club song, let me assure you that it is not. In fact, "OMG" is one of the most bizarrely horrible songs that I've ever heard. In fact, "WTF" would be a better name for it, and I'm gonna do my best to try and explain why, so let's just start with it.

Video for "OMG", zooming in on TV

Todd (VO): Now here we can already see that...wait a minute. Is this the video for "UHF"? [Shows clip from Weird Al Yankovic - "UHF"] No, I guess not. Wishful thinking on my part. Anyway, we begin with a blast of synth-fuzz that sounded like somebody fell asleep on their keyboard...

Todd: ...which, believe me, is not as comfortable as it sounds.

Todd (VO): And then we get to...

will.i.am: I did it again So I'm gone let the beat drop

Todd: Wait a minute. Where do I know that from? [Shows clip from video of Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow"] Oh, right, one of my least favorite songs ever. There's the first indication of the problem right there. This song was written by Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am, and believe me, it sounds like an Usher song written by will.i.am in that it's a series of half-baked musical ideas married to idiotic cliches slammed together without any thought of coherence or transitions. [Brief clip of "Imma Be"] And no, we don't need to illustrate. Let's get to the song.

Usher: Baby let me love you down There's so many ways to love ya Baby I can break you down

Todd: Wait, say it again?

Usher: Baby I can break you down

Todd (VO): "Baby I can break you down"? Is that a threat? What does that even mean?

Todd: Alright, we're already off to a bad start. My only conclusion, listening to those lines, is that when you're as rich, famous, and attractive as my close personal friend Usher here, you no longer have to pay attention to the things you say to women. There are allegedly "so many ways to love you..."

Todd (VO): ...but the one he chose to highlight was "breaking you down." I'm not sure what "breaking you down" entails, but I'm pretty sure that, at the very least, it's a felony.

Todd: Unfortunately for me, I don't really have much reference for social interaction outside of Top 40 pop songs. It's probably why I don't have much luck picking up chicks on the Internet.

Todd in front of computer

Todd: Baby let me love you down. There's so many ways to love ya. Baby I can break you down. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Obscurus Lupa: Todd, I'm serious. Stop calling me.

Back to keyboard

Todd: Hmm, yes, well...

Usher: you make me want to say Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ohh my gosh

Todd: Wait, did I hear that right?

Usher: Ohh my gosh

Todd: "Gosh"? That's what the G in "OMG" stands for, "gosh"?

Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh!

Todd: What are you, a Jehovah's Witness? You know, you can say "god" on the radio now. They had that ruling, they took it off the "Seven Dirty Words" list? What, are you afraid people are gonna hear take the Lord's name in vain? Your last single was about banging two chicks at once. It's a little late to be courting the Southern Baptist crowd.

Usher: [followed by chorus of "oh"s] Oh my gosh

Todd (VO): What's going on here? What's that sound? Who's chanting in the background? Did they record this at a pep rally? [Todd does tomahawk motion with hand] Who are these people supposed to be? Are they cheering Usher on as he picks up this girl at the club? Does the nightclub have a wall of bleachers with people shouting, buying hot dogs, doing the wave? That screaming audience might've been a decent musical idea, except they just let it keep going, and they crank it up so it overpowers the entire song. I...I can't hear anything.

Usher: I fell in love with shawty when I seen her on the dance floor

Todd: Guys, could you keep it... could you keep it down a little. You're being...a little loud. Trying to...trying to hear...trying to hear the song, could you just...lower...the volume...guys! Guys! Stop! Okay, to be fair, the crowd does quiet down eventually. In fact, they stop the chanting right about...here.

Usher: Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow

Todd: [laughs uncomfortably] Ho...boy. Um...okay, you know how, like sometimes in sitcoms [Clip from HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER], you'll see where they have that one joke where the whole room suddenly goes quiet right before the main character says something really embarrassing?

Ted Mosby: I'm wetting my pants!

Todd: Right, that's like what happened here. The crowd suddenly just goes dead quiet right at the single most humiliating set of lyrics I've ever heard.

Todd (VO): All it needs is a laughtrack. In fact, I'm not sure the crowd wasn't, like, playing a prank on him.

Todd: [motions to "crowd"] Stop. ''[The crowd cuts out as Usher sings aforementioned lyrics. Todd chuckles]'' Awesome.

Todd (VO): Although let's not blame the crowd for this. Usher's the one that said it, despite the fact that he's a grown-ass man! First, "gosh!", now "boobies"?! What are you, nine?!

Todd: How does this even happen? To sing those lines, to write those lines, to conceive of those lines, to help record those lines, TO HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THOSE LINES, YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE ONE OF THE STUPIDEST HUMAN BEINGS EVER TO WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH! [Thinking about it] Hmmm

[Back to computer]

Obscurus Lupa: [as Todd repeats lyrics] Todd, Todd, Todd, stop. Oh, my God, I will get a restraining order if I have to.

Usher: Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow Girl you know I'm loving your, loving your style

(Buzzer: NOT A RHYME)

Todd: [hitting button] Oh, my God, I'm hitting the "not a rhyme" button as hard as I possibly can. No, no, no, no. Style is in no way, shape or form an acceptable rhyme for wow! In fact, that's probably why your wife left you! [Pulls out more papers] Here, it's right in the divorce papers, look. "Petitioner files for divorce on the grounds that respondent rhymed style with wow."

Usher: Girl you know I'm loving your, loving your style...

Todd (VO): Okay, I will admit it. I do think that's a pretty awesome bass line. [Todd plays bass line on keyboard] Still, whatever good things are happening at the bottom of the track are undone at the top of the track by what sounds like a fax machine bleeping constantly. [Todd plays top part] Bottom line, don't put the copy machine in the recording booth; or at the very least, don't use it during a session.

Usher: There's so many ways to love ya Got me like, ooh myy gosh I'm soo in love I found you finally

Todd (VO): Wow, does that line belong in a different song.

Todd: [over-the-top] At last, I've found you finally, my true love. Yes you, nameless woman who I know nothing about. You have everything that I've ever looked for in a woman, pow-pow-pow-bootie girl. I, Usher, have literally met no other woman in my life who has these qualities. [Chanting resumes] Ugh, these guys again. At least they're not breaking out the vuvuzelas. [Sure enough, they do] Okay, seriously, I can't take this anymore. Let's skip to the guest rap verse from will.i.am. And no, I'm not the biggest fan of will.i.am as a rapper, but at least it'll break up the monotony.

will.i.am: Feel so hard for honey out of all the girls up in this club This one got me whipped, just off one look, yep I fell in love This one something special, this one just like dynamite

Todd: It sounds exactly the same!

Todd (VO): In fact, the first couple times I heard this, I didn't even realize I wasn't still listening to Usher! What's the point of including will.i.am at all?! And how is even capable of reproducing a part meant for Usher?!

Todd: He's Usher! You know, Usher?!

Todd (VO): The singer...with the voice?! "Got the voice to make the booty go smack", that Usher?! Why is he singing three notes at the bottom of the scale?

Todd: This is not a good use of your Usher!

Usher: you make me want to say Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ohh my gosh

Todd (VO): Oh, that's what she makes you wanna say?

Todd: She makes you wanna say, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, [continues at computer as Obscurus Lupa rubs her temples] oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, [back to keyboard] oh, oh, oh  Ohh my gosh"? Does she really, you stuttering, repetitive dolt? Okay, I gotta be honest...

Todd (VO): ...I find this song kind of fascinating in spite of myself. I attempt to leave it on, even though as noted, it's all kinds of bad. More than any quote-unquote "confessions", this tells you everything you need to do about why Usher can't maintain an adult relationship.

Todd: OMG, Usher. STFU

Usher: Oh, oh, oh my Oh, oh, oh my, my, my, my, my, my Ooh my

Goofy: Gawrsh!

[He stumbles and falls]

Closing tag song: Pavement - "Shady Lane"