Wreck It Ralph Vs Angry Birds

(We open on a Taken parody, with Donnie as the Liam Neeson character. His phone rings.)

Neeson: Hello?

Phone guy: Bryan?

Neeson: Yes?

Phone guy: There's something I have that you want.

Neeson: Want?

Phone guy: Yes.

Neeson: Alright, listen here. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom I can tell you I have no money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I've acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you return what is mine, that'll be the end of it. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Then I will hunt down your family and kill them, then your pets, co-workers, even that waitress you've been eying at the Red Lobster. You know that fuzzy little squirrel you've been feeding birdseed too? I'll kill him, and all of his fuzzy grandchildren. Then I'll kill the birds, every crow, lark and starling on the whole Eastern Seaboard, maybe even kill a few seagulls, a couple of fish as well. Then, when it's all said and done, I'll dig up their rotting corpses, use the necronomicon, bring them back to life just so I can kill them all over again. Only this time, I'll throw in a few orphans and some kittens.

Phone guy: Dude, I just wanted to give you your pizza.

Neeson: Oh is it here?

Phone guy: I'm at the front door!

(takes the pizza)

Phone guy: You're a dick. (Neeson tries to close the door) Hey! That's $15.73.

Neeson: I told you, I don't have any money. However would you be interested in a very particular set of skills? (glare) Your loss.

(cut back to Donnie and Rebecca watching it)

Donnie: I think it works.

Rebecca: Got to the point.

Donnie: Yeah.

(credits, instead of Aung Lang Syne, it's a slower, dark western-rock riff)

(cut to the writing room, Donnie's optimistic as usual)

Donnie: So how'd we do?

Tacoma: Well they liked the brevity of it?

Donnie: Perfect!

Tacoma: But they thought it was short on story.

Donnie: What's to complain about? A guy orders a pizza, he gets it.

Tacoma: I know we called it Taken And Delivered, but I think we delivered a little too quickly.

Rebecca: I knew we should have had the pizza arrive late, it would have built tension.

Tacoma: I just don't think ransoming a pizza is much to hinge a plot on.

Rebecca: Maybe if it was a lasagna?

Tacoma: Or a human!

Rebecca: Ick! This isn't Silence Of The Lambs.

Tacoma: Actually, Hannibal Lector delivering pizzas isn't such a bad idea.

Donnie: We'll save it for Christmas. Anyway, we got Thanksgiving coming up. Now in honor of the occasion, I was thinking something timeless, classic and a little nostalgic. Let's say... Wreck It Ralph.

Tacoma: (gently) Hey! Let's say... no.

Donnie: What? Why not?

Tacoma: It's Thanksgiving, Donnie.

Donnie: So?

Tacoma: We have a life!

Rebecca: We're tired, we could use the day off.

Donnie: (knowingly) Oh, and what are you gonna do on Thanksgiving?

Tacoma: ...stuff.

Donnie: And you?

Rebecca: (deer in headlights) More stuff.

Donnie: You guys don't have anything planned do you?

Tacoma: Don’t you have a wife?

Donnie: She’s with relatives.

Rebecca: Then, why are you here?

Donnie: (now it's his turn to look beaten) It was part of the... pre-nup.

Tacoma: And, what about your family-

Donnie: They were part of the pre-nup too.

Rebecca: That’s one big pre-nup.

Donnie: Yeah, it was kind of a big family affair! Everybody was invited to talk about it, except...me. (sad sympathetic pause) But it doesn't matter, you're the only thing I got, so please?

Tacoma: Tell you what, if we can't find something else to do, we'll do it. But that's not a guarantee.

Rebecca: And we will find something to do.

(cut to The Parental Disappointment Tango)

Tacoma: (on the phone) Hey mom! No, it's me. No, the other one. Um, that's your cousin. ...sister.

Rebecca: C'mon skype, don't fail me now. [skype loads, types] Mom, Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? [beep] Paris? Don't suppose you have- [beep] “in case you're wondering we don't have an extra ticket”.

Tacoma: Niece. Dog! Yes!, yes, hi I just figured that we should... no. No! I shouldn't have to pay to talk to my own mother. Yeah, alright, that seems fine, 99 cents for the first minute, 2 dollars for each additional minute.

Rebecca: “Saw your video online”. Well, as you can see, my acting career is keeping me busy. [beep] “It looks like America's Funniest Home Videos”. Well, at least you laughed?

Tacoma: Yeah, that's fair, go ahead and get an oven timer. [to the camera] She's searching her kitchen. And searching. And search- this could take a minute, let me check my bank account.

Rebecca: “Was it supposed to be a comedy?” Yes! “Needs work.” Love you too. (sits back in sad)

Tacoma: ...I think I hear a lawn-mower.

(cut the two of them depressed on a couch)

Rebecca: Can I ask you something?

Rebecca: Is this really what you thought you'd be doing with your life?

Tacoma: My family never thought so.

Rebecca: You don't talk about them much.

Tacoma: My dad was into sports medical equipment, they called him the Jockstrap King.

Rebecca: Did you work for him?

Tacoma: For a while. You see the thing is, I was an investigative journalist.

Rebecca: Really?

Tacoma: Oh yeah, fresh out of college I won my first Pulitzer. Exposed one of the biggest Ponzi schemes in the specific North West. Even sent the ringleader to jail.

Rebecca: Your father must have been so proud.

Tacoma: My father was the ringleader. (tbc)