30 Years of EPCOT - The 1980s

Preface
[Fade in to Jerk in front of Innoventions]

Jerk: Great Glittering Galaga! [notices us] Oh, hi! Some Jerk with a Camera here, and welcome to Part 2 of my 3-part retrospective of the first 30 Years of Epcot. [Supertitle: First released on November 24, 2012!] This episode covers the 1980s at Epcot. Ah, remember the 80s? I don't, they ended when I was 6, but best I can tell, it was a magical decade when Ronald Reagan took up breakdancing, Donkey Kong smashed watermelons live on stage, and of course, Captain EO sold Rubik's Cubes full of cocaine to the Nicaraguans with a 23 Skidoo! [not as enthusiastic] And also, Epcot Center celebrated its first seven years of existence, or something... [cheery] Enjoy!

Episode
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Previously on acid:

(cut to a psychedelic amalgamation of images: from creepy kaleidoscopes, to distorted, slo-mo clips of the 1982 opening special, to Jerk repeatedly colliding with the wall in the Italy pavilion.)

Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, you find yourself in ’82.

(cut to a montage of images and videos of the opening day ceremonies, with the EPCOT Overture playing underneath)

Jerk (v/o): So after all the pageantry and hoopla surrounding the 1982 Grand Opening of EPCOT Center, how exactly did the public react to this bold new vision?

(cut to the Jerk outside the now-defunct Odyssey)

Jerk: It was immediately a runaway smash success, and even more immediately a crushing, disappointing failure.

(As with the DCA retrospective, the music slows down on the word "Crushing".)

Jerk (v/o): Oh, sure, the shiny new park attracted the curious crowds at first, but generally, after walking through EPCOT's 300 acres just to experience all 13 educational rides and attractions, their feet were just a little too tired to come back for more.

(Cut to a clip of the original 1966 Epcot plans film)

Walt Disney: Here in Florida, we have something special we've never enjoyed at Disneyland: The blessing of size.

(Cut to Jerk in front of the Morocco pavilion)

Jerk: Yeah, that "Blessing of size" has violated more feet than Quentin Tarantino! Generations of podiatrists have based their whole careers around treating EPCOT victims, and my feet have been threatening for several hours now to secede from my legs, tunnel their way out of my shoes, and start a new life somewhere.

Jerk's Right Foot: And we'll do it, too!

Jerk: You don't have the guts! Quentin Tarantino's out there somewhere!

Right Foot: He's not real, you just made him up to scare us!

Left Foot: We demand some dignity down in here!

Jerk: (as the feet are quibbling) What?!

Right Foot: Yeah, Lefty's right!

Left Foot: Why do you always have to undress us at the airport, pervert?! There's no way that's a real rule!

(Spoken simultaneously)

Right Foot: ''We demand some relief from your [???] sorry ass. We pedal extremities are a proud, noble race!''

Left Foot: ''Would it kill you to clip my nails once in a while?! [???] get mad at me! We demand to be cut loose!''

Jerk: I hate it when they get sore.

Right Foot: Cut loose!

Left Foot: (leading a chant) Cut footloose!

Both Feet: CUT FOOTLOOSE!!

Jerk (v/o): But here's what's even sadder. There's actually a reason they made Epcot so criminally, ungodly big. They deliberately left a ton of empty space between these pavilions because they actually thought, if Epcot was successful enough, they could eventually still build Walt's city of the future around them. That's why they called the place EPCOT Center, so it could serve as the centralized hub for the community. But it was not to be. The place quite simply had too many fires to put out. It was too big, too bland, too boring, too corporate, no thrill rides, not enough stuff to do.

[Cut to an interview with NSYNC's Lance Bass for VH1's I Love the 80s 3D]

Lance Bass [who the Jerk proclaimed Expert of Boring]: It was the most boring place I've ever been to in my life.

Jerk (v/O): It certainly developed a cult fanbase, because, frankly it was too unique not to, but to the general public, it really was Fantasia to Disneyland's Snow White in the worst possible way. While Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom surrounded their guests with escapist entertainment, Epcot wouldn't even let you see the sweet-ass dinosaur robots without trapping you in Educational Film: The Ride.

[Cut to a clip from the original 1982 Universe of Energy]

Narrator: More that 80,000 photovoltaic cells generate electric currents to help power your traveling theatre cars. [Supertitle: They seriously made guests sit through half an hour of this crap just for five minutes of dinosaurs.] So, in a sense, you've been "riding on sunshine."

[Joel and the cast of MST3K pop up from the bottom of the screen in their normal movie-watching positions.]

Joel: These select few are making three cents a day.

[Cut to Jerk standing in front of the American Adventure pavilion.]

Jerk: And let's be perfectly honest. I don't know about you, but [screams] NOBODY THE FUCK GOES ON VACATION TO LEARN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

[Jerk's screaming "Learn shit" tirade travels, through various Google Earth images, all the way back to the West Coast, where Mikey Insanity and Rosenhacker are in DCA in front of Cars Land]

Rosenhacker: Did you hear something?

Mikey: Who cares? I'm on vacation! [leaves, but not before a Radiator Springs racer speeds by in the same direction]

Jerk (v/o): Disney learned that lesson the hard way, and never made that mistake again, until they made that mistake again [Disney Institute], and again Animal Kingdom], and again Disney's California Adventure]. [Cut to Jerk standing within the Germany pavilion]
 * The Disney Institute was a combination resort and learning center,  specializing in workshops in 'the business behind the magic' through seminars, workshops and presentations for people majoring in fields like animation, horticulture, culinary arts, photography, and television. Of course, this concept never caught on, and it was turned back into a hotel, the Saratoga Springs Resort and Spa.

Jerk: Apparently, even Disney refuses to learn lessons at Disney Parks. They're like that annoying uber-geek friend you have who won't shut up blathering about his geeky obsessions all the time, until you just want to say, "Shut up, shut up, nobody cares about theme park trivia!" But you can't even strangle the guy, [obviously he's talking about himself]  'cause you can't reach your hands through the mirror! Because Mickey Mouse lied to me again! And that rat bastard will pay. Oh, yes. [eerie close on his face, as his speech turns demonic and the light darkens] He will pay. [sudden close out as the screen brightens again] So anyway,

[cut to a montage of what happened in Epcot between 1983-1986]

Jerk [v/o]: Despite the sorry fates of the Africa pavilion and the Axis rides, EPCOT did still manage to open three more pavilions in its next two years, all of which helped give the place some much-needed identity. World Showcase got the beautifully opulent Morocco pavilion, while Future World got the charming future-themed Horizons, and the even more charming original Journey into Imagination, featuring Epcot's first ever marketable characters: a whimsical old inventor named Dreamfinder, and his creation, an even whimsical-ler cute purple dragon named Figment!

[cut to Jerk standing outside Journey into Imagination ride]

Jerk: Yeeeeah, that's another thing, the park had no recognizable characters at first. They had Dreamfinder and Figment wandering around, but no one even knew who those were until the ride opened. If you wanted to meet Mickey Mouse or Goofy or any of the classic Disney characters, you had to go to the Magic Kingdom. So guess what?! [sarcastic chuckle, then deadpan] People did.

Newscaster: EPCOT will be the place for parents to drive the kids, not the other way around.

Jerk [v/o]: How do we make this big expensive gamble of a park a surefire success? I know, let's shut out literally the most successful thing we've ever done! Let's take the freakin' symbol of our ENTIRE company, and lock him up in the Magic Kingdom, like he's grandpa at the old folks' home!

[cut to a still of the Toontown retirement center]

Geriatric Mickey [voiced by Garrett Snook]: Back in my day, mice were mice, broads were broads, and every cow's lower jaw was a xylophone!

[There's a loud crash!]

'''Jerk [v/o]: THERE YOU ARE, YA RAT BASTARD! COME HERE! COME HERE AND TASTE CHAINSAW!'''

''[As the chainsaw revs, and Geriatric Mickey is torn to shreds, there's a supertitle that reads: "One of the following companies paid Jerk to do this to Mickey. See if you can guess which one!" as we cut to commercial]''