Bonk



So, I'm sitting there tending bar, when in walks an older friend of mine: Bonk. Now, Bonk is a little fella and needless to say, we did have to stack a few stools on top of each other for him to reach the bar. But, he got there okay.

And... I looked at him and he looked kinda sad. And I said, "Ay, Bonk. What's wrong?"

And he says, "Well, just... trouble at home, you know?"

And I asked, I said, "Well, anyone in particular?"

And he said, "Yeah. My wife. My wife, she's.... she's been giving me real trouble."

And I said, "Oh, really? Well... What's been going on?"

And he said, "Well... She's just been bonking everybody."

And I said, "Excuse me?"

And he said, "She's just been bonking everybody."

And I said, "Oh. Well, that... that is a problem. How many people has she... 'been bonking.'"

And he says, "Oh, just... too many to count. I mean, it's basically people she doesn't like."

And I say, "Really? She's... She's bonking people she doesn't like?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And I said, "...Do you think there's some sort of weird psychological issue there?"

And he says, "No no no, that makes complete sense to me. It's not that complicated. She doesn't like the person, she bonks 'em!"

And I said, "Well... Sounds complicated to me, but whatever. Not my affair."

So, I said, "This-This... bonking around, this-this disturbs you?"

And he said, "Not at first, but... she's just... been bonking too many people. I mean, it's gotta be giving her a headache after a while."

And I said, "Giving HER a headache?! What about YOU?! You must have a migraine over this!"

And he said, "Well, it wasn't too bad at first. But, now it's just getting a little annoying. Especially when she started doing the animals."

I said, "...She started bonking animals?"

And he said, "Oh, yeah! Dinosaurs, mostly. We mostly live around dinosaurs."

And I said, "So... You're wife's been bonking people and dinosaurs?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And I said, "...Little dinosaurs or big ones?"

"No no no. Real big ones. It's impressive how many big dinosaurs she can bonk. I mean, it's just unbelievable."

And I said, "I know. I can... barely get my head around it myself. Uhm... You mean like T-Rexes and stuff like that?"

And he says, "Oh, yeah. She'll bonk the lot."

And I ask, "Doesn't that hurt her?"

And he said, "Well, the harder ones, yeah. But the really soft ones, the ones that are much softer skinned, that's-that's not as big a problem."

And I said, "Yeah, but... Yikes!"

So, I said, "Have you... Have you thought about going to-to couples counseling?"

And he said, "I could, but... you know... when you get down to it, I've bonked just as many people."

And I said, "Really?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And I said, "...Dinosaurs too?"

And he said, "Oh, yeah! Giant ones. Great big ones. You have no idea how hard it is to get up there!"

And I said, "Well, I can imagine, I can imagine... So, you're both bonking people and dinosaurs at the same time?"

And he says, "Yeah. At first I didn't have a problem with it, but I think it's just getting out of hand."

He looks at me and says, "And, I don't wanna blow my own horn, but... I give great head."

And I said, "Okay, stop it! Stop it!"

"I slam 'em like nobody's business. I mean, I slam 'em hard. They're barely able to open their eyes after I'm done with 'em!"

I said, "Okay, TMI, TMI."

So I decided to pry probably where I shouldn't have pried, but lord knows he already has.

And I said, "Well... How often do you two bonk?"

And he says, "I told you, all the time."

I said, "No no. Together."

He says, "What? ...You mean the two of us bonk each other?"

I said, "Yeah."

And he says, "...Well, never! Are we supposed to?"

And I said, "Well... That is one of the perks in being in a relationship. I mean, what's the point of bonking other people if you're not gonna bonk each other?"

And he says, "...Well... I'll give that a thought. But Lord knows I don't want her bonking other people when it's not needed!"

And I said, "You've-You've bonked other people when it's needed?"

And he says, "Yeah. Only when it's needed. Thou shall not bonk unless needed. I think that's the eleventh Commandment. If I feel somebody is not worth a bonk, I will not bonk them."

And I said, "Well... That's... very kind of you... I guess..."

He said, "I could bonk you real good!"

I said, "Okay okay! Don't go there, alright? Just don't."

And he says, "I can give you head like nobody's business."

I said, "Okay! Do not go there, okay? You do not wanna cross this line!"

And he said, "Okay okay! But needless to say, you would be out like a light!"

I said, "Thanks, thanks. I believe ya."

So, I just flat out asked, I said, "Well... Have you thought about talking to her?"

And he says, "Well, I can't now."

And I said, "Why not?"

And he says, "...She's given herself a concussion. She's in the hospital right now. They don't know when she's gonna wake up."

And I said, "OOOH! I--- Now the--- Bonk! I get it now, I get it now! Okay, now we're on the same page. I'm so sorry about that."

He said it was really hard seeing her on the bed, just sleeping, unable to communicate. Says she practically looked like an angel, absolutely beautiful.

I said, "Mr. Bonk, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry to hear all that."

And he said, "Well... Needless to say, when she wakes up, I'm probably gonna divorce her."

And I said, "Divorce her? Why?"

And he says, "Haven't you been listening?! She fucks everything that walks!"